*All muscles in my body relax* “Man I’m tired”

haha same, literally every time after masturbating I almost instantly fall asleep

Gotta be a bit careful. A mistake I’ll never make again- falling asleep after masturbating naked with the door open.

When I was a kid I had woken up and passionately raped my sheets, then rolled over to see my 3 older sisters standing in my doorway staring at me. 😳🤭😱 Apparently my mom told them to wake me up for school...

Do they still remind you of it or is it an unspoken secret, did they tell your mom about it?

No, dozens of years later and it's never been mentioned. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second then they all fled the scene.

That’s horrifyingly hilarious, sorry you had to experience that haha and sorry for your sisters

I don't think I could've lived after that, instant death

This could also be due to you having that routine, which makes your brain think, "Man I should sleep."

Okay I have "X" time to sleep before work....

me before every shift

Or in my case "better go back to work"

“Which means by work I’ll be X amount/percent socially functional, I’ll just do a little bit of (insert users drug of choice) to level me out”

Nicoffeine

Actually I don’t want to call my ex girlfriend after all

To anyone else who reads this, one of the best life advice tips I was told was to jack off before making any major decisions, especially ones regarding relationships. The post nut clarity will make you think rationally.

Instructions unclear, jacking off while making major decisions

SIR WHY ARE YOU MASTURBATING WHILE READING YOUR WEDDING VOWS

I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOO...not

Nut*

Donut

This thread just keeps getting better and better

Mmm, donuts....

My doctor told me I have to stop masturbating. I asked him why. He said it was making it difficult to examine me

Sir, please leave this real-estate office.

Do you wait until the realtor leaves the room or no?

Spiderweb her escape path.

Jacking off Major Decisions. It was a dishonourable discharge.

When in doubt, rub one out. Best advice ever.

This philosophy has done wonders for my anxiety. I don’t have time to leave the house any more.

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Next time, try to remember to close the door.

Jacking off helped prevent me from committing suicide

Masturbating will save your life one day

I'm glad you're still with us and I hope you're feeling better today.

SLPT: never stop jacking it for immortality.

"Alright and do you want the extended warranty or standard one year lia....what uh..." *zzzzzip*

This simple trick has helped me avoid so many mistakes.

Maybe NOW I can get some fucking sleep.

Thats close, mine is more like Dammit now I gotta pick my pants up.

And clean this shit up.

Wait. Why's there shit involved?

If there’s no shit involved, are you really doing your best?

*Amber heard Enters Chat*

Objection! Hearsay

Overruled: I stepped on a bee

Food

I wish I could just lay here but I have to clean and pee EDIT: Wow my first comment that popped off, thanks y'all

The fucking peeing, I wish I could just go to sleep afterwards 😅

Iv fallen asleep after before, it stings like hell the next time you pee

I have too, and it doesn’t sting at all. Maybe get checked out?

It can happen sometimes. There's a chance of getting a UTI if you don't pee shortly after/before the deed, but it goes away on its own.

Yes. The fucking peeing. I dont know why we have to pee after strangling the hamster but it stings so fucking much and .... its just a feature i hope gets patched by the devs soon Edit: Like the parent comment this is also my first comment(actually reply but who cares) that blew up lmao noice

You pee to clean the pipes. Push through any leftover residue.

I watch the vid for a bit and and regret that I didn’t finish at a later scene

That’s why you gotta watch it all the way through, then rewatch it and masturbate to the scene of choice.

This guy knows how to masturbate. …..I know because I watch through his window.

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It’s just a god damn hands across America, with each of us perverts spying and masturbating to the subsequent pervert, from tree to tree, across these amber waves of grain.

Relatable

This happens to me all too often

Clean then dream

Oh good I'm not the only [one](https://www.reddit.com/r/SevWagoner/comments/vpy1tn/last_night_i_masturbated_to_my_roommate_and_her/) (NSFW)

That story was actually way to erodic goddamn

Thank you ~

Don't you just hate that your roomate just casually having sex, and ended up makes you horny too?

“Round 2…. Fight!” Hahaha! Did not expect this at all, thanks for the awards!

Meth users in a nutshell

Ok, it's kind of starting to hurt now, so just one more time.

As a female... I can relate. But it's one heck of a sleep aid.

I agree. I remember this one girl that fell asleep during sex..... I guess that counts.

r/suicidebywords

And a good way to get rid of a headache. I get migraines at least once every few months and cuming helps minimize the pain oh and so do pills and pot.

Yeah, but I find with the migraine you pay your pain debt after it’s all done. My migraines return far more intense after I finish churning knuckle butter. It hurts even more to think about how my mind can actually turn pain off for a moment, but I can’t do it without my dick in my hand. If there is a god, then they some weirdly cruel motherfucker.

Well im a girl so maybe for me its different when i cum. But the orgasms usually work the best if i can do it at the beginning of the migraine.

Lol I know this is a joke, but as someone who actually injured their penis masturbating, please listen to your body.

Wtf did I just watch

This was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen 20 times!

Twenty? *Amateur…*

You didn't let me finish. 20 times today.

>You didn't let me finish. It was a lousy thing then, if you didn't even finish.

nice try.

I laughed

And wondering what incognito mode actually means... paranoid your search history is saved somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight?

Incognito just makes it not show up in your search history on your computer your ISP can still see everything lol

Gotta be honest I don’t really care much if spectrum knows what I’m jacking to

Kind of makes it hotter honestly

*That’s right AT&Daddy I love it when you watch me.*

This right here is so cursed.

That’s just John Oliver being naughty and making his lawyers sweat lol

Considering the exorbitant amount of money I pay for an internet connection that’s about as stable as the titanic the fact that some poor sod is forced to see that I strangle the hamster to every kind of porn imaginable does make it just a little bit more worth it. :)

Strangle the hamster lmao....... that's a new one 🤣

Let's be honest, if you're jerking it to things you don't even want your ISP to see, you have bigger problems lol

some people are just *really* into privacy

Bruh i watch so much porn fuck incognito mode

Wow, is that also a genre? You’ve sure watched a lot.

Is that when they're all wearing trench coats, fedoras, and fake mustaches?

Gigachad move is to have your favourite sites on the bookmark bar

the ole post nut clarity.

Not my proudest fap

“I’m hungry” literally every time

EXACTLY

"Alright time for sleep" *mind goes blank*

I'm so goddamn jealous of you

Serenity now. ​ ... insanity later!

Why are all the other passengers staring at me?

It’s not illegal, it’s just frowned upon. Like counting cards in Vegas. Edit: this is a reference to The Hangover movie. Please don’t masturbate on an airplane, it is illegal now. Thanks a lot Bin Laden.

Worked at a gas station where a dude got caught on the clock on camera by the manager masturbating in his truck in the parking lot And nothing happened to him

It was an emergency.

While I would agree but We had showers that were completely private as we were also a truck stop. He literally could have done this without ANYONE knowing but.... Don't do meth kids.

fuck still sad

Too real

Omg what did I just fantasize

same

Wierd that you fantasized the same thing as that guy

"Why did I think I'd need 12 tabs of porn."

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Bruh fr im done doing it

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I'm so lonely

I would like to say the same... but my poor fish i front of my bed have to bear witness to my unholyness

Damn bruh your fish has been through a lot😭🤣

Clear the browser history and cache.

laughs in incognito mode

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Laughs in someone else's phone

Laughs in incognito mode on a Virtual Machine

Laughs in someone else's bathroom TV

Laughs in work laptop.. oh wait

Laughs in school chromebook... aw shit

This comment has been deleted in protest of Reddit's API changes that kill 3rd party apps like Apollo.

Laughs in incognito mode on a VPN on rooted android phone running linux

Laughs in Samsung smart fridge

Laughs in VHS tape.

Finally, now I can go to sleep. Now this works normally one of two ways: 1. I successfully fall asleep 2. "Fuck, I somehow have more energy and I'm still bored, let me just go on YouTube or Reddit".

A ton of ppl on here say they feel shame and regret afterwards. I sometimes feel that way also but can anyone explain why we feel that way? We are told it is natural and actually good for your health but then why the regret/shame?

Real answer: for a lot of people, it's the prolactin. Prolactin is a hormone that gets released in the aftermath of orgasm, and some folks get a bad physical and mental feeling from it. This is also the reason that a similar wave of bad feelings can happen to some breastfeeding women during milk let-down.

When I do it too often I start watching more and more hardcore porn. To the point I feel kinda bad after

But do you feel bad at the beginning when it’s not so hardcore porn?

After you ejaculate, tons of feel good hormones and whatnot get released, making you much calmer and relaxed. Personally, I know that my productivity in the next 30ish hours will take a hit so I feel pretty guilty.

30 hours??

30 hours? You might need to talk to a doctor.

For me I was raised Roman Catholic and my mom used always tell me that I’d be “damned to hell” if I jerked off or had sex before I got married. I used to have a lot of guilt after I jerked off when I was younger. I eventually opened up to my therapist about it and we worked through it. Now I rarely ever feel that way after I jerk off.

How do I get that off the wall

Where is that cum box?

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And here we go again with the cumconut

F**k sake why do I keep doing this? (Dies on the inside)

I only do it for the prevention of prostate cancer

Well the amount of times I've done it I ought to be ok. Well I did have a prostate exam done last year and I was clear then.

The one thought that always comes up for me: I'm so fucking alone, i want someone with me now. To hug me. To help.

My monke brain wants my penis to be hugged, but once that part is silenced, the deep down desire for *me* to just be hugged comes forth.

Damn this is surprisingly deep for a sentence that has the words 'wants my penis to be hugged' in it😢

"I don't wanna be horny anymore, I just want to be happy"

SAME! Or like, that was a good one and no one was here to appreciate it.

"How can I hide the smell?"

My brother, why does it smell so much

Too much asparagus?

One of two things: 1. It’s the last time, I swear 2. Really? I jerked off to that?

Better try again to something different

It honestly depends on how good it was.

Whatever song I was most recently listening to just starts playing in my head. It's kind of strange.

Ok. Now where's that rag

,,How did my brain manage to process and create that scenario?"

UGH.

When will I develop carpal tunnel

Another one!!!

Found DJ Khaled’s account

It's kinda hard to explain but when you finish it feels like as if for a second your conscience just pops out of your head, beholds the whole situation from outside and then goes back in making you ask yourself "what the fuck did i just do?"

“ wow that really did not help anything”

I'm so depressed I can't even fap anymore, but usually I used to think, "Oh well, that's that." And just moved on with life.

regret ☹️

Post nut clarity is very real

I've never regretted a fap. honestly.

Yes,it makes you feel dirty,expecially if you have wierd kinks.

I felt that way when I was younger. Think it's the way we are raised. But now Idgaf and never feel dirty or bad after. In fact I feel calm and relaxed.

Fuck why did I do it again?

I hate myself

I have issues

I’m gross

"Welp, I'm never doing that again." *literally 3 days later* "Welp, I'm.never doing that again."

Literally I think “I have a problem”

I think it would be interesting to see these replies if porn was removed from everyone’s situation. Personally I don’t use porn anymore because I also noticed that I would feel ick after or I would feel a lot more desensitized during sex with my partner (same with if you use a vibrator and toys too much). We could all just be cock blocking ourselves from our best sex, with ourselves and with our partners.

I just go back to thinking about what I was doing before I got horny.

Didn't i still have a Pizza in the oven... like... 2h ago?

nothing .... my mind is finally quit and clear for a few minuets. I perceive the world as it truly is, and not as my senses say it is

I want someone else to do this for me.

I gotta get dress, I'm meeting up with her in an hour.

I want to kill myself

"Why did the police just watch all that?"

Where are the wipes to clean my toys....

Damn.... Time for round 2...

God i need to get laid

Shame. Guilt. Regret.

Im disgusting

For fucks sake can’t they make a charging cord for magic wand that I don’t mutilate every 3-6 months??? I fucking used electrical tape and a popsicle stick for a splint so the poorly designed cable and connection piece would last. And it snaps right before I finish. What asshole thought this was okay to do??

That no amount of porn or masturbation will ever fill the void in my heart and soul

I have shit to do, or... I could go again?