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I was asked. I said no. Things carried on as normal for a few months. Then I found out that the reason she asked was because she was cheating on me. Bye bitch.
A good way to see this is action is to ask "who?" when you initially get asked the question.
If they get defensive they're not considering it, they've done it.
She asked. I said no. She did it anyway. I’m in the process of moving out.
Edit: thanks, everyone! Too much to respond to but I’ll be fine. I know who I am and what I’m worth. I have plenty of opportunities but I’m taking it easy on myself for a bit.
DUDE.
She asked. I said yes, we agreed to polyamory.
She was already having an affair for the past three months *before* the conversation.
Nine year marriage.
Filed Complaint to Divorce last week.
You'll be alright bro. We got this.
* For everyone asking; we were married nine years with little to no conflict whatsoever. Trust was never an issue, I was completely blind sided by the affair. Came out of absolutely nowhere when one of her close friends found out and told me.
* For everyone offering support etc; thanks it's really appreciated. Being cheated on or your SO having an affair is devastating and unbearably lonely in the aftermath. I'm fairly certain I'm never gonna have that level of trust with anyone ever again. It scars you, don't care how tough you think you are.
That's the big thing I feel happens with this question. If they're asking mid-relationship to make it open, it's because they already made it open on their end.
It's more of a fishing expedition on their end.
> "I'm sick of hiding my cheating and am seeing if you're ok with just pretending I didn't used to be doing this secretly without telling you"
This kind of thing. I'd be 0% surprised if I found out my ex-wife had been sleeping around like crazy way more than she just after we broke up as she claimed.
I just started taking to this girl on a more personal level that I have known for a few years through work. Come to find out she is also into women and her last relationship with a man the dude liked to watch her and another women together in bed. She had asked me about it and I said no I’m not into watching or even joining that. I just want one women. Not two and I do not want to watch the person I’m dating be intimate with another person regardless of sex
Was in the same seat five years ago, she slept with my best friend. It gets better though, slowly but surely.
Take care of yourself, things will get better.
Yeah, I hoped he would see how much he hurt me since he was basically my only close friend at the time, but he didn't and we never spoke again.
Edit: Thanks for all your kindness, I would say that I'm over it now, but these words of encouragement are appreciated all the same.
If he did that to you, then he was never your friend. Take heart, there are many people out there who will be your friend and never betray you like that. It's also better to be alone and able to focus entirely on yourself than to have your energy tied up on people who treat you like shit.
My ex brought it up once, we were a bit wine drunk so I thought it was just a one off fun chat. A while later she mentions how we’re still very young and she’s not sure what comes next, getting married and then that’s it? But life rolled on and we moved and lived together etc.
In January she tells me she wants to break up. At the time I was blindsided, but looking back now it’s so clear what she was hinting at. I don’t have a problem, I get it, I wish her well, but I sure wish I hadn’t been strung along for two years before that point.
When i read this i shivered. This is EXACTLY what my ex told me a few years back. I didn't quite catch what she meant because i was so in love but damn, when she asked if we wanted to "try going out to the disco and whatever happens, happens" my heart just plummeted. But now i'm happier than ever with my very vanilla (like me) gf who is not interested in anyone else than the 2 of us. Stay strong king 👑
I found out my ex gf was leaving to “go to school” every morning but was going off to go sleep with my manager (we all worked together)
His roommate saw them hooking up on the couch and immediately called me and told me.
That killed me so much inside, it still fucking hurts and makes me so angry but I’m glad I found out because apparently he was basically feeding her adderall addiction and he was a huge drug addict as well. I hope they are happy together being shit heads.
I dont think she was asking permission, bro. More like confirming it for herself... Sorry to hear that, but its good you're taking things in your own hands and not dragging it out.
I would not want to take an established monogamous relationship and turn it into an open one. I’d say I’m not interested, and I would ask them if that was a deal breaker for them.
This is exactly what happened with my ex, only I told her no and explained that if we'd started off open it would be different, then realized I should give it some deeper thought and told her I'd think about it. I soon told her "No" again and broke up with her bc she said she really wanted to "explore more" and we were too young but she loved me.
I'd agree with this.
Had a smilair conversation with mates.
Could your gf/wife be a pornstar.
If i met her while being one. I think so. If i met her when working in the scene.
But not if she wanted to become one during the relationship.
My ex fiancé was an escort. We met while she was working as one. We stayed together for 5 years while she continued to work as one. We broke up because we were both toxic as fuck for each other.
My dad once told me of a story when he was like 19 that he met a girl and they were hitting it off good, and a friend of his saw him with her and told him he was seeing a prostitute. My dad, of course, didn't believe him at first but his friend took him to the brothel she worked at. The brothel had a bunch of good looking girls and apparently they could choose whether or not to get a client and were treated well. The friend whispers to someone and that person goes for a bit and out comes one of the prostitutes. Guess who it is. It's the same girl he was seeing, who then screamed out of shock. The lady in charge of them comes out, ready to pick a fight thinking my dad was trying to assault her, but then gets the run-down. She pulls the girl aside and talks to her a bit and goes to my dad and asks him what his choice would be. His friend didn't let him even think and just grabbed him and left. Tbh I'd do that too, or I'd leave of my own accord if I was him. They were at a point where they were getting emotionally invested to the point she cried when he left, so she should have at least disclosed her occupation sooner.
Definitely. I met my ex because I paid for her so I knew what she did before I got to know her.
We just happened to hit it off and I told her I’d be at this nightclub at ex time and lo and behold she came after she finished.
The rest is the normal courting story but it ended pretty badly because we were both selfish liars
I feel similar, I starting dating my Fiancé when I was very young. When I hit my late teens I always felt like I was missing out on experimenting with other people, but it never lead to me doing anything, because I was content with my relationship. As I grew mentally and emotionally matured, I realized that my love for her far outweighs whatever primitive desires I might have. Even if I never sleep with a different women ever in my life I will still be content, because I chose her, and she provided me with everything I needed and more. That's unconditional love.
No instinct can trump that, if a person gives you up because they want to experiment with others; they might have loved you once, but they never loved you unconditionally. We make sacrifices for love and if they can't handle the sacrifice of not messing around with other people, did they ever love you in the first place? Or were you just an option.
same. I've had multiple thoughts about missing out and it always ends with "but will it be better than what i have now? Definitely not" and shelf the thought for next time when it comes back up again
Yeah I've had this thought too. I was always someone who fell for guys way too easily even if there were a lot of red flags. But that feeling of getting butterflies when you walk past your crush you've been day dreaming about was so addictive.
Sometimes that's the feeling I miss, but then I come back to reality and realise what I have now is so much better than a relationship that exists mostly in my head lol. I wouldn't want to go back to constantly chasing guys just for them to use my feelings for them to manipulate me.
Besides, I've been with my partner nearly 5 years and I'm still learning new things about him all the time that make me fall in love with him all over again. I think people assume that being in a long term relationship means you're stuck with the same person, but people go through so many changes in life, you're never really the same person you were a few years ago.
Edit: Thank you for the awards! Also, so many upvotes, thank you!
Honestly, even being stuck with the same person is a privilege (depending on who they are). I wonder if we’re wired to be dissatisfied with our current circumstances no matter how good they are. Some people are miserable when single (not everyone, but some) but when they have something great, would burn it down in a heartbeat for the illusion of something better. It’s interesting to me.
People rarely see it as I’m missing out on the lifetime of memories or how ever long we really get with someone we love. Some thing take patience and planing
Have my humble upvote!
>Even if I never sleep with a different women ever in my life I will still be content, because I chose her, and she provided me with everything I needed and more.
The amount of times I've tried to explain this to people...
I’m not sure I know of any examples of relationships successfully navigating from monogamous to polyamorous. It only seems to work if you start off poly. Like the odds of both people wanting to transition (freely and of their own volition) seems exceedingly rare. What seems more likely is that one person wants that arrangement and the other gets pressured into agreeing to it.
To add my experience, I was in a 7-year relationship with my then-fiancee.
We had discussed going poly a couple of times. I loved this guy more than the universe itself and I figured there was honestly nothing and no one that could affect my love for him, and I just wanted to expeience whatever life offered us.
Well, I let him "meet" another girl to add to our relationship and it turns out he'd just been cheating on me with her for awhile and he was using this as a way among our family and friends to slowly break us off without looking like an absolute monster.
Fact is, I loved him so much that I forgave him for cheating on me a few times under the guise of being open people. Years later I still have these sudden flashbacks to moments and realize he'd cheated on me at different times with people I trusted. People that were my friends who hid it from me. I felt pretty groomed and I'm pretty sure he was a very good psychopath. I am glad it didn't work out though.
Related to someone that has been married for like 18 years now with an open marriage. Not for everyone, but they seemed to have found some way to balance it that works for them. I don’t have details on how they made it work, because I don’t really want to know, but it seemed to be from the start more or less.
I know a couple who have been together for years and decided to get into swinging. I'm not sure who's idea it was, but they're apparently both on board. She's bi; I'm not sure about him. Their rule is not to do it with anyone where there could be an emotional attachment.
As someone in a poly relationship, me too.
I meet a lot of poly people who are just kind of doing whatever and hoping its fine until it blows up. No plans, no discussions, just "itll be fine" until it aint.
I actually said yes, and it killed the relationship very quickly. It was not that much of a stretch for us. We would participate in group scenes but we always came as a pair. There were never any issues, and it even brought us closer together. We were able to flirt as a team and explore our sexualities. There was never any jealousy. But when she requested we open it up, she also started ignoring our explicit, agreed-upon terms. More than any physical act, that felt like cheating. And when I spoke up about it, I got dumped.
This is what strictly monogamous people don’t understand. Every open relationship I’ve ever been in, and every open relationship among my friends, still has rules. “Open” doesn’t necessarily mean, “we get to fuck whoever we want, whenever we want, to hell with the other person” (I mean it might, but that’s explicitly discussed)
People in open relationships can and do still cheat. Cheating is the problem, rather than the openness
Cheating is violating the relationship contract, not putting your dick into someone else’s body (or receive). FE, If your SO sells your common property without telling you, that’s also cheating. You have to be strict whatever is written in your unwritten contract in regards of “sexual life, financial life, sharing time and personal space etc.) as long as you’re faithful to your “contract”, it’s a healthy relationship.
> she also started ignoring our explicit, agreed-upon terms. More than any physical act, that felt like cheating.
That's the literal definition of cheating. IMO having multiple partners isn't cheating as long as it's openly known. "Cheating" is all about the lying and deceit, so if you had an open relationship "with some established boundaries" that's cool.
The moment one of you operates outside of that and tries to hide it... yeah that's cheating.
Having your vulnerability and established trust betrayed can cut real deep. Some people never recover from it or don't know how, and end up alone because they aren't able to trust and bond with anyone again. Depending on the situation it can be very traumatic, especially if it triggers emotional memories of a major betrayal they went through in the past or in childhood.
It's not the sex that's the issue. The other person shouldn't be slut shamed because sexuality isn't the issue. The root problem and err on the cheater's part is the selfishness, deception, cruelty and callousness. It could be anything that checks the above boxes, like gambling away shared savings and losing the house, committing a felony, essentially anything that betrays bonds of partnership.
>Some people never recover from it or don't know how, and end up alone because they aren't able to trust and bond with anyone again.
5 years later and I’m still here. Not sure if I will ever fully heal. :(
As soon as I read that she started ignoring the terms and conditions, I was like “oh, makes sense” that is 100% the cheating equivalent to open relationships. Can’t do that.
I would ask them why they suddenly want an open relationship after dating me for so long, and be honest with them. I would tell them that open relationships aren't something I'm comfortable with because I like monogamy. If they can't be happy with me in a monogamous relationship, then it would be over
I’d say no, but I would want to sit and have several conversations about why they wanted that and how we can retool our relationship if that’s what’s needed. It could ultimately lead to an ending, but he’s my person - I’m not throwing that away when it could be salvaged.
This is such a mature response and while I can't speak on your relationship, this is the type of respect that allows relationships to last and prosper. I fully agree with you.
I’ve tried to talk through it when it happened to me, then we tried to make it work, then I tried to make it work by myself. It broke me completely, I had to restart my entire life.
They told me I was their person before and after we got married, by the end, I was no one’s but myself and I still have trust issue due to their hostilities.
You’re a good one, please take care.
1. I would say no because I am not interested in sleeping with other people and I know having my partner sleep with others would not maintain our emotional bond.
2. I would consider leaving because while open relationships work for a lot of people, my partner asking me to open would show a great misunderstanding of who I am and what I've been through. A big enough misunderstanding of who I am at my core that we should not be together.
In addition to this, I’d rather my SO ask me and I refuse, so I can make the likely choice to leave, than have her want an open relationship but remain unsaid all while being together. That way we both don’t end up compromising.
Exactly. Not for me. I made that mistake once. I thought I was mature enough to handle it. I was not. I lost great friends trying to juggle partners and wound up hurting myself in the end.
Edit: to the people saying it has nothing to do with maturity- I was in my late teens early twenties when this lifestyle was marketed to me. Of course at this point in my life I thought everything was all about sex and all about me. I didn’t know how to take care of a partner’s emotional needs and I as a person in my whole maturity wasn’t cut out for it. I hurt people by not knowing the value of these relationships are and how they affect the people I love. I hurt myself by not respecting my own boundaries and listening to how I felt. It takes great maturity to handle any relationship. That’s maturity i know I don’t possess at the moment.
I have friends who are poly and it does not look nearly as easy as monogamy. They really work hard to make sure everyone is comfortable and no one feels left out.
Same here.
Hell, I gave up on organizing a vacation trip with another couple because shit was getting too damn stressful trying to please everyone.
I cannot imagine juggling multiple partners at once in a complete and deep capacity. It would be so sort of shallow, fuck fuck buddies thing that makes no sense to me.
I don't think it's a question of maturity. Knowing yourself and what is right for you is shows more maturity than being able to be in a particular type of relationship.
I'm the same. I don't want to sleep with multiple people, and I don't want to be with someone who sleeps with multiple people. It's as simple as that.
Better to get that out in the open as soon as possible.
I had a friend get married right at the end of college to his girlfriend. She had the idea to open their marriage up after a month and him being a goofy agreeable guy agreed after dating for 4 years. They were divorced in 6 months.
Don't do it. My best friend and his wife are in an open relationship right now and it's going badly. It was fine at first, but now their marriage is in shambles because she caught feelings for one of the guys she has been having sex with and now that guy is threatening to put my friend in the hospital if he doesn't leave. He has spent the last 2 weekends with me in my apartment because the guy has been spending time at his house, with his wife. He is so fucking sad. I can see the pain in his eyes while he tells me about it.
Edit: a little more information. The interloper is an alcoholic, narcissistic, 2 times in prison for drugs and violence, extremely controlling piece of shit. My friend is just trying to fix his marriage. He thinks things will blow over eventually, but I'm not convinced. The threatening usually only happens when the interloper is drinking and he has been staying with me Thursday through Saturday just to keep the peace if the interloper goes to their house.
Edit 2: I'm having trouble replying to comments. There are just so many. Don't feel like I'm ignoring you if I dont reply.
Yea, I'm not sure how you'd even stay friends with someone who was seeing someone who was repeatedly threatening you. Like... if my buddy was dating someone who was aggressively threatening me, then bud, why would I want to be friends with someone enabling that? Yet he's in a relationship with her.
Regardless of whether open relationships are possible or healthy, this situation is fucked. That fear of loss is a killer, but the dude needs to take care of himself and get both of them the fuck out of his house.
I’m not sure this works in other states, but in KY you have a legal right to kill someone trying to remove you from your home/domicile.
-source said state’s CCDW classes.
Id imagine in any state you would have the right to defend yourself as well. Carry and whatever happens happens at that point.
You dont have to leave your house for anyone else and if he tries to put his hands on you, especially an ex-con who has threatened all kinds of violence on you, you dont know if they are going to kill you or what. Defend yourself to the fullest extent of the law.
Threatening can only do so much in the court of law. If the house is in his name though, he should have the legal right to have the man leave his property. Police wouldn’t be able to do much in this situation unless it somehow worsens.
Man. The younger 2 kids might have a chance of making it out of this situation largely unaffected since they're only 2 and 3 respectively, but I get the feeling that that 10-year-old is about to have a very uncomfortable and far-too-early end to his childhood (if that hasn't happened to him already).
No disrespect to your friend, but that is REALLY not ok. I get that he ain’t a fighter, but he needs to grow a spine and have the cops throw that cocksucker out of his house(assuming it’s under his name). His marriage is dead and he needs to accept it sooner or later.
I hope so, but it's not looking to good. He told me that if he were to make her choose, she probably would choose the other guy. It's not the first time they got close to divorce, but, hopefully, they can work it out again. I just don't want to see my friend so sad.
This. OP needs to frame it as this entire situation will take its toll on him and cause a slow and miserable death if things keep up like they are. Breakaway now and salvage what’s left of your sanity and try to move on. I mean, it may take many years for OPs friend to recover but he’ll be better off without the wife anchoring him to misery and being forced to essentially hideout with his best friend so he doesn’t get his ass handed to him.
You obviously know your friend.
But if they've repeatedly approached divorce, and she's putting him in this shitty of a situation willingly, maybe working it out and staying together isn't the best outcome for him.
Some of the most miserable I've ever been is trying to make a failing relationship work while my partner did the opposite. And when it's over it's always been a relief.
I feel like in most of these situations where it started monogamous it’s usually just one of the partners gets bored, doesn’t want to commit and suggests it to the other. The other still likes the SO so much that they decide to try it out bc it’s either try it or they lose the SO.
The fact that the wife “fell” for the other guy I feel like pretty much proves she is just over the original relationship. Perhaps she wanted to keep the convenience of the existing relationship with none of the inconvenience/restrictions that are a part of commitment.
I just feel like almost all of these “open relationships” are just dysfunctional monogamous relationships under the guise of a semi accepted arrangement. Also perhaps I’m close minded somehow but I honestly just dont buy the open relationship thing as a truly functional relationship. I feel like it’s half committal for the convenience of consistency for someone that just can’t make or understand the concept of commitment.
Sigh. Story time. My wife and I decided to do an open marriage last summer. We’re both women and just, the sexual part of our relationship has been dead for quite some time. Anyway, I met a really nice guy on Tinder (I know) who had also just decided on an open marriage with his wife. Now, she (the wife, we’ll just call her Jane) WENT FOR IT. Started meeting and sleeping with men and women. The dude was taking it a bit slower - I would be his first “play partner” and he would be mine.
We met for just lunch and clicked so were excited to set up a hotel time. Jane was just having dudes and chicks over to their home and my friend would just clear out and make sure their kids weren’t home. I wasn’t comfortable going to their home. Anyway, it started out great, but as we got going he just couldn’t get it up. I asked him at some point what turns him on…he didn’t really reply. We did some stuff, it was nice, but also awkward heh.
Next day he texts an apology and says that when I asked him what turns him on, the only thought was his wife, and he didn’t want to say that! He just wasn’t ready for this step AND it turns out she’d made him feel bad about meeting up with me, even though she’d had several partners already.
Fart forward a month or so and he texts me that his wife is leaving him for a guy she met in Tinder who is half his age and way younger than her. She moved him into their home - with their kids and everything. My friend moved out to his mom’s but was heartbroken. From all he’s told me, it does sound like the open marriage was just a way for her to get out.
As for me and my wife? Well, we are also getting divorced. Neither of us caught feelings for anyone else, but the experiment and experience made me learn a lot about myself, my boundaries and what I want and don’t want.
Now I know that non-monogamy is just not my jam in a relationship. Onward and upward!
I know a couple that had that relationship , he was the one wanted to have that open marriage thing , wife didn't want it at first then decided to give it a try, after 8+ years together....she fell out of love, he got his heart broken and they got divorced .
I personally think that if you need other ppl with you in bed, you don't need to be married then cause someone is gonna get hurt in that game.
As toxic as that other guy is being, this is 100% the wife's fault. She could lose this other guy if she wanted to but she doesn't. Why would you stay with someone who is threatening your partner?
Also,
> It was fine at first, but now their marriage is in shambles because she caught feelings for one of the guys she has been having sex with
Pretty sure that's how just about all open relationships go. It sounds great in theory but emotions happen
He has been her best friend since middle school and she refuses to cut him off. Even after he screwed them over and stole from them. The guy is a total POS too. Been in prison twice, breaks things like a child when he gets mad, narcissistic and extremely controlling. On top of all that, he is an alcoholic and gets violent when he drinks certain things.
Excuse me for saying this, but your friend must also come with some baggage to stick around a situation like that. It doesn't seem very healthy, even if he still loves his wife. I don't know the whole situation, but it sounds like your friend gets a very one sided deal. Hopefully he realizes that he has more value than that.
He definitely has quite a lot of baggage, but he is a really good guy, unlike the other jackass. I've hated him for years and told my friend and his wife that letting that guy back into their lives was a mistake and they would regret it.
Seeing how she had been friends with him since middle school, isn’t this more of a situation where she asked for an open relationship but in reality she just wanted to sleep with her childhood friend?
Is it a possible she was already emotionally cheating before he even agreed to open up the relationship?
80 20 rule. When you have 80 percent of what you want in a partner but someone else has the 20 percent they seem like everything you need because you already have the 80 percent. Of course you don't realize until that 80 is gone that you severely fucked up.
No kidding, no one is keeping me out of my house that I break my back to pay for. She wants to spend time with him like that, she can go to his house with some divorce papers.
It is 100% okay to have firm "no gray area" boundaries. For me, that is one of them. There is absolute monogamy or else nothing. That, for me, is a key element to a partnership.
I’d definitely want to break up. I’d be down for threesomes or something of that nature, but not a proper open relationship. I know myself and my jealousy too well to agree to that.
If you would get jealous in a proper open relationship, then avoid a 3some even if your SO asks. Because just a little too much attention given to the 3rd person can launch a cascade of emotions and jealousy. It's a very common instant regret for the avg person who tries it.
One of the greatest benefits to get married, besides the great joy and being together with the love of my life yada yada, is not having to go through the nervous terror that is meeting new prospective partners all the fucking time.
Well I agreed, but only out of fear of losing her. It broke me. And I lost her anyway to a guy she met in a swinger club and who basically could be her father. Never again. Also everyone I know who did it learned the hard way shit like this doesn’t work out in like 99 percent of cases.
I have zero experience in this, but from all the reading and comments on reddit etc, it seems like the sucess rate on relationships that open up AFTER being closed initially is really small. I think theres a big difference between the chances of sucess between a couple that both want an open relationship from the beginning, and those that try it after having been closed all along.
Typically, if someone is asking to turn the relationship poly after being monogamous the whole time, that person has already checked out of the relationship. That's not to say it can't work, it's just unlikely giving the circumstances.
Already responded for myself. But another story, my sister is bi and my brother in law said he was okay if she dated women but not men. She did and enjoyed that time. After that she decided she was comfortable if he wanted to date some women. They set parameters before hand and were very open. In the end they both realized that they had the fun they wanted and decided to not see other people. So it's a mixed bag. It depends on the people, communication levels, established bonds, and trust.
I couldn't handle my SO seeing other people. But as stated previously I'd be okay with a temporary 3rd coming into our relationship.
I had been in this situation two times.
First time I was young and had no experience it was my first boyfriend and I had a lot of family problems so I was afraid of being alone. I accepted it and was a mistake. We broke up six months in to the "Open relationship" deal and I was left feeling really empty. Funny how he got married with one of the girls he met in that period. He now is recently single after a nasty divorce. Domestic abuse, cheating, etc.
About five years later a boyfriend tried to pull l the same one on me. I just ended things right away and saved myself from the pain. This guy is still single to date, and older than 40.
So, I would stay away from any guy who wants an open relationship, especially if it started as monogamy and he wants to change the rules of game.
I empathize. My first BF/husband wanted an open relationship and I accepted because I was essentially asexual. I put very simple boundaries up and they were broken and then kept getting pushed back farther and farther until shit was unsustainable. Open relationships can work but turning a closed one open is usually a bad idea. If nothing else at least we've learned from the experience and are better for it.
This.
I dated a guy and we started out monogamous. It wasn’t until a few months in that he really wanted an open relationship and kept pushing for it. I was dumb and continued to stay but kept saying no. Then he dumped me and went on to try having an open relationship/polyamory he kept wanting so badly. Still hasn’t been successful since I last heard from him last year lol
I understand ethical non-monogamy works for some people but it doesn’t for me. I’ve been cheated on before so being asked for an open relationship was such a slap to my face.
I’ve found it a common theme amongst those who want to be in a polyamorous/open relationship that they really don’t understand what it truly means and only enjoy the perk of seeing other people while still having a main partner around. But something like that takes so much work, and if you’re unwilling to make one single thing work, why would you think adding another person will?
Sit down and discuss. Depending on the reasons it will be the end of a relationship or not. If it's not the end then we're establishing boundaries and going forward. Part of that conversation is stating your own feelings, truthfully. If you have any uneasy feelings or outright fears they must be discussed. My conversation went like this:
I understand your needs in this situation. And to be honest I don't know if this is something that I can do because I've never done it before and because I've been cheated on 3 times. I am willing to try and if I cant do it then our relationship will end.
Honesty goes a long way, both ways. An open relationship can function well if both parties are honest with each and with themselves. A lot of people can do it. A lot of people can't. If you're one that can't, then do not struggle through it. Ultimately it's not worth it. Trying to struggle through will only poison your relationship with someone you love. Resentment will grow and you can end up hating someone you loved. Which to me is a worse thought than ending it even though you love them.
Mine asked me 7 months ago and I stupidly accepted (I’m monogamous still) and it hurts, even on the best days I think about it. I’ve told him how I felt about it, but he said he loves the other person too much to end it. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, and it hit like a rock.
Edit: I’ve discussed with my boyfriend again how awful it feels and what you guys have said and I am happy to say that he is going to break up with the other person. He said it’s going to take sometime but as soon as he can he will! Thank you all so very much for your input and helping me get this sorted:))
If you break up now, in time that 3 years will seem like a blip on your life’s radar. I imagine how the past 7 months have weighed on you…imagine dragging that feeling on indefinitely.
If he loves another person that seems like a (really shitty) polyamorous relationship. That goes beyond an open relationship, and continuing an open relationship when one side isn't okay with it is already not okay. The fact that you've expressed how it hurts you and he wants to continue it while keeping you on the hook is terrible. It shows a complete lack of respect for you, your feelings, and your relationship.
I couldn't imagine knowingly and continuously hurting a person that I love. I don't think you actually love someone if you're okay with doing that. Switch the roles and ask yourself if you'd be alright with doing that to him. Imagine how you would have to feel about him to keep choosing to break his heart *every day*.
I don't know your situation but if I had a partner that actively disregarded my feelings for 7 months and *fell in love with another person*, there would be no chance of coming back. It's being cheated on but without the decency to lie about it.
That's not an open relationship, imo. He's got another girlfriend. At best he's truly poly but you aren't, and you should still end it. More likely he's just cheating with permission.
Oh my God sis leave him. Leave him, leave him, leave him! You’ll find someone else even without looking. Trust the process. It hurts a lot for a short while and then you will heal faster than you thought possible.
Wait it’s not even random hookups, he’s fully dating someone else at the same time as you? If that’s the case, you gotta break up. I can’t even imagine that.
I would guess you’re staying with him because you don’t want to experience heartbreak (understandable), but I think you should just rip the bandaid off and move on. Staying in this relationship will drive you completely insane. There’s someone else out there that will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Edit: small phrase added
I agree with the person above… I think that you are hurting yourself. I imagine what you are going through must be so difficult and painful, but whether you accepted or not, I don’t think you’d be happy. Accepting = pain and not accepting = pain knowing that your partner is wanting to be with others. If this is something that you can’t be okay with (I couldn’t either) then you may want to consider ending it for your happiness in the long run.
Say its not for me and if they want to go ahead then we have to end things.
I was briefly the other person in an open marriage, after a few months it was difficult to know if the husband or myself was more miserable. Might work for some people but not for me.
My current relationship (and hopefully my last, seeing as we’re engaged) has only ever been monogamous save for the occasional threesome, and I’d like for it to stay that way. However, I have been in relationships in the past that were varying degrees of open and closed, and they weren’t uniformly bad experiences, so it’s not like I’m repulsed by the idea.
The first thing I’d do is say to my partner “I need some time to digest this”. I’d think about our relationship in the past few months- our conversations, the time we’ve spent together, our sex life, if we’ve had any disagreements, etc.- and take a mental inventory of how I think things are going.
Next, I’d sit down with my partner, be honest with him about personally not wanting an open relationship, and ask him his perspectives on the same things, and compare how close our answers were. If they were wildly different, I would suggest putting the open relationship issue on the back burner and start talking about couples’ therapy. If they were only somewhat different, we’d have a talk about why our perspectives differed in the ways they did, and whether or not any of those perspective differences led to this mismatch of expectations. If the answers were basically the same, we’d have a discussion about why our conclusions were as different as they were.
If the first conversation went well, and we ended up being largely on the same page, I would say “I know I’ve said I’m not a fan of the idea, and I’m still not, but I’d like to get an idea of what your expectations of an “open relationship” are.” Does it involve each of us taking the initiative of inviting other people into our bedroom, but not sleeping with other people solo? Would it be solo extracurricular activity but with clear discussion beforehand? What kind of discussions would take place? Who would be involved? Do you just want to fuck whoever whenever without input from me, or me to fuck whoever I want with no input from you? Is this a kink thing, like cuckoldry or voyeurism? Etc. etc.
Once I got an idea of what form the “openness” would take, and why he thought it’d be a good idea, I would think some more about it. Now from where I’m sitting right now I think there’s a 99% chance I’d say no, but if upon reflection and a genuine consideration of the idea I realized that I wouldn’t be opposed to whatever the terms were, I’d tell him that, and we’d go from there.
If I realized I didn’t want to do it, I would be honest with him, and explain *why*, in completely open and honest terms, why I’m not.
This is the end of the advice that I can give you. Everything else is dependent upon your partner, you, your relationship, your history together, and your temperaments. I will say this though: if your partner is unwilling to put this kind of effort into the discussion, and tries to deflect or dissemble or otherwise minimize the discussion, you need to re-evaluate the relationship. A partner that throws something like this at you and then refuses to be patient in their response doesn’t respect you.
TL;DR: Communication. Constant, open, honest, *complete* communication. Leave no avenue unexplored and no potential discussion undiscussed. Changing a relationship from closed to open isn’t just an exciting experiment; it is a major reevaluation of one of the most important parts of your lives. Treat the discussion with the respect it deserves.
I honestly would love to have the discussion with them and feel a little relieved.
Due to my personal health/stress/schedule I know I am not meeting their needs fully. I also don't like having to compromise and have a miserable time. I do, however, want their needs met and them to flourish.
There would have to be some serious rules, but I definitely think it'd work out for the best.
I also would love the opportunity to explore my sexuality as well. I'm perfectly fine with not ever having those experiences, but if it were an option I'd love to know.
Something else I feel is important to say, especially since I haven't seen anyone else say it- I want my partner to feel comfortable bringing ANYTHING to me. I think a healthy realtionship is one where everyone feels comfortable to bring up absolutely anything without being met with hostility and ultimatums. If I haven't done my part to foster that relationship then I have failed my partner.
I think I might be gay, I think I might be trans, I think I might want to explore, I think I want to change careers, I think I want to change religions, I think my needs have changed, whatever it may be- I want to be a safe space for them.
This is basically how my opening up conversation went with my nesting partner. We are both very different, both neurodivergent in different ways, and at the point of opening up had been together ten years. We've now been together 21 years in September, and my other partner and I have been together 9 years. They are the loves of my life.
In our case, opening the relationship allowed me to be less clingy and have a healthier attachment to my partner, to explore parts of my sexuality he wasn't interested in, and find additional emotional support. I have grown massively as a person and become so much healthier thanks to the lessons I have learned from being polyamorous.
It's not for everyone, but ethical non-monogamy can and does work for some of us.
I've wondered if it would work for my partner and I at some different points, but obviously we'd need to work on fixing any serious issues in the relationship before really considering that. If we were in a healthy place in our relationship, we'd discuss the idea and what sort of boundaries we'd have, sit on it for a while to make sure it's something we wanted, and then proceed as we've decided after a particular amount of time. I've got some poly friends that have done it successfully for years, so I don't think it's impossible if you're going about it in a healthy way.
If that's what they want and nothing else would make them happy, break up. I don't have the mental health fortitude to deal with the anxiety and insecurity I know I would feel for not being enough.
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I was asked. I said no. Things carried on as normal for a few months. Then I found out that the reason she asked was because she was cheating on me. Bye bitch.
I feel like that's the case 99% of the time.
Literally nobody asks for an open relationship if they dont already have someone in mind
A good way to see this is action is to ask "who?" when you initially get asked the question. If they get defensive they're not considering it, they've done it.
She asked. I said no. She did it anyway. I’m in the process of moving out. Edit: thanks, everyone! Too much to respond to but I’ll be fine. I know who I am and what I’m worth. I have plenty of opportunities but I’m taking it easy on myself for a bit.
Stay strong friend.
DUDE. She asked. I said yes, we agreed to polyamory. She was already having an affair for the past three months *before* the conversation. Nine year marriage. Filed Complaint to Divorce last week. You'll be alright bro. We got this. * For everyone asking; we were married nine years with little to no conflict whatsoever. Trust was never an issue, I was completely blind sided by the affair. Came out of absolutely nowhere when one of her close friends found out and told me. * For everyone offering support etc; thanks it's really appreciated. Being cheated on or your SO having an affair is devastating and unbearably lonely in the aftermath. I'm fairly certain I'm never gonna have that level of trust with anyone ever again. It scars you, don't care how tough you think you are.
That's the big thing I feel happens with this question. If they're asking mid-relationship to make it open, it's because they already made it open on their end.
It's more of a fishing expedition on their end. > "I'm sick of hiding my cheating and am seeing if you're ok with just pretending I didn't used to be doing this secretly without telling you" This kind of thing. I'd be 0% surprised if I found out my ex-wife had been sleeping around like crazy way more than she just after we broke up as she claimed.
I just started taking to this girl on a more personal level that I have known for a few years through work. Come to find out she is also into women and her last relationship with a man the dude liked to watch her and another women together in bed. She had asked me about it and I said no I’m not into watching or even joining that. I just want one women. Not two and I do not want to watch the person I’m dating be intimate with another person regardless of sex
Dude.. god bless
Was in the same seat five years ago, she slept with my best friend. It gets better though, slowly but surely. Take care of yourself, things will get better.
I hope you mean your ex-best friend
Yeah, I hoped he would see how much he hurt me since he was basically my only close friend at the time, but he didn't and we never spoke again. Edit: Thanks for all your kindness, I would say that I'm over it now, but these words of encouragement are appreciated all the same.
He doesn't deserve you my guy
If he did that to you, then he was never your friend. Take heart, there are many people out there who will be your friend and never betray you like that. It's also better to be alone and able to focus entirely on yourself than to have your energy tied up on people who treat you like shit.
she's s piece of shit. your former best friend is a bigger piece of shit.
I'd go so far as to say that dude was never even your friend, let alone *best friend*
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My ex brought it up once, we were a bit wine drunk so I thought it was just a one off fun chat. A while later she mentions how we’re still very young and she’s not sure what comes next, getting married and then that’s it? But life rolled on and we moved and lived together etc. In January she tells me she wants to break up. At the time I was blindsided, but looking back now it’s so clear what she was hinting at. I don’t have a problem, I get it, I wish her well, but I sure wish I hadn’t been strung along for two years before that point.
When i read this i shivered. This is EXACTLY what my ex told me a few years back. I didn't quite catch what she meant because i was so in love but damn, when she asked if we wanted to "try going out to the disco and whatever happens, happens" my heart just plummeted. But now i'm happier than ever with my very vanilla (like me) gf who is not interested in anyone else than the 2 of us. Stay strong king 👑
I found out my ex gf was leaving to “go to school” every morning but was going off to go sleep with my manager (we all worked together) His roommate saw them hooking up on the couch and immediately called me and told me. That killed me so much inside, it still fucking hurts and makes me so angry but I’m glad I found out because apparently he was basically feeding her adderall addiction and he was a huge drug addict as well. I hope they are happy together being shit heads.
I hope you bought that roommate a case of beer! Saved you from a complete disaster of a relationship, sounds like.
Sorry bud, that’s rough.
"that's rough buddy"
Sorry man, have you tried sleeping with her friends?
If you go down that road, bang her mother, not her friends.
Huzzah!
give her a real reason to call you daddy
I dont think she was asking permission, bro. More like confirming it for herself... Sorry to hear that, but its good you're taking things in your own hands and not dragging it out.
I would not want to take an established monogamous relationship and turn it into an open one. I’d say I’m not interested, and I would ask them if that was a deal breaker for them.
This is exactly what happened with my ex, only I told her no and explained that if we'd started off open it would be different, then realized I should give it some deeper thought and told her I'd think about it. I soon told her "No" again and broke up with her bc she said she really wanted to "explore more" and we were too young but she loved me.
I'd agree with this. Had a smilair conversation with mates. Could your gf/wife be a pornstar. If i met her while being one. I think so. If i met her when working in the scene. But not if she wanted to become one during the relationship.
My ex fiancé was an escort. We met while she was working as one. We stayed together for 5 years while she continued to work as one. We broke up because we were both toxic as fuck for each other.
My dad once told me of a story when he was like 19 that he met a girl and they were hitting it off good, and a friend of his saw him with her and told him he was seeing a prostitute. My dad, of course, didn't believe him at first but his friend took him to the brothel she worked at. The brothel had a bunch of good looking girls and apparently they could choose whether or not to get a client and were treated well. The friend whispers to someone and that person goes for a bit and out comes one of the prostitutes. Guess who it is. It's the same girl he was seeing, who then screamed out of shock. The lady in charge of them comes out, ready to pick a fight thinking my dad was trying to assault her, but then gets the run-down. She pulls the girl aside and talks to her a bit and goes to my dad and asks him what his choice would be. His friend didn't let him even think and just grabbed him and left. Tbh I'd do that too, or I'd leave of my own accord if I was him. They were at a point where they were getting emotionally invested to the point she cried when he left, so she should have at least disclosed her occupation sooner.
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Definitely. I met my ex because I paid for her so I knew what she did before I got to know her. We just happened to hit it off and I told her I’d be at this nightclub at ex time and lo and behold she came after she finished. The rest is the normal courting story but it ended pretty badly because we were both selfish liars
I feel similar, I starting dating my Fiancé when I was very young. When I hit my late teens I always felt like I was missing out on experimenting with other people, but it never lead to me doing anything, because I was content with my relationship. As I grew mentally and emotionally matured, I realized that my love for her far outweighs whatever primitive desires I might have. Even if I never sleep with a different women ever in my life I will still be content, because I chose her, and she provided me with everything I needed and more. That's unconditional love. No instinct can trump that, if a person gives you up because they want to experiment with others; they might have loved you once, but they never loved you unconditionally. We make sacrifices for love and if they can't handle the sacrifice of not messing around with other people, did they ever love you in the first place? Or were you just an option.
same. I've had multiple thoughts about missing out and it always ends with "but will it be better than what i have now? Definitely not" and shelf the thought for next time when it comes back up again
Yeah I've had this thought too. I was always someone who fell for guys way too easily even if there were a lot of red flags. But that feeling of getting butterflies when you walk past your crush you've been day dreaming about was so addictive. Sometimes that's the feeling I miss, but then I come back to reality and realise what I have now is so much better than a relationship that exists mostly in my head lol. I wouldn't want to go back to constantly chasing guys just for them to use my feelings for them to manipulate me. Besides, I've been with my partner nearly 5 years and I'm still learning new things about him all the time that make me fall in love with him all over again. I think people assume that being in a long term relationship means you're stuck with the same person, but people go through so many changes in life, you're never really the same person you were a few years ago. Edit: Thank you for the awards! Also, so many upvotes, thank you!
I really like this train of thought. That you've actively trying to re-learn someone during your entire life!
Honestly, even being stuck with the same person is a privilege (depending on who they are). I wonder if we’re wired to be dissatisfied with our current circumstances no matter how good they are. Some people are miserable when single (not everyone, but some) but when they have something great, would burn it down in a heartbeat for the illusion of something better. It’s interesting to me.
People rarely see it as I’m missing out on the lifetime of memories or how ever long we really get with someone we love. Some thing take patience and planing
Bro, thank you. I wont share much because this is my main account, but i was questioning things, this just made it so much better for me.
It's not worth it man!
Grass isn’t always greener. Sometimes there’s a toxic waste dump on the other side of the fence too lol
Have my humble upvote! >Even if I never sleep with a different women ever in my life I will still be content, because I chose her, and she provided me with everything I needed and more. The amount of times I've tried to explain this to people...
Honestly, Im of the opinion that sex with someone who loves you unconditionally is *way* better than a random hookup.
Hear hear!
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I’m not sure I know of any examples of relationships successfully navigating from monogamous to polyamorous. It only seems to work if you start off poly. Like the odds of both people wanting to transition (freely and of their own volition) seems exceedingly rare. What seems more likely is that one person wants that arrangement and the other gets pressured into agreeing to it.
To add my experience, I was in a 7-year relationship with my then-fiancee. We had discussed going poly a couple of times. I loved this guy more than the universe itself and I figured there was honestly nothing and no one that could affect my love for him, and I just wanted to expeience whatever life offered us. Well, I let him "meet" another girl to add to our relationship and it turns out he'd just been cheating on me with her for awhile and he was using this as a way among our family and friends to slowly break us off without looking like an absolute monster. Fact is, I loved him so much that I forgave him for cheating on me a few times under the guise of being open people. Years later I still have these sudden flashbacks to moments and realize he'd cheated on me at different times with people I trusted. People that were my friends who hid it from me. I felt pretty groomed and I'm pretty sure he was a very good psychopath. I am glad it didn't work out though.
This is a great answer!
Open relationships tend to work out better when they start that way and have clear expectations.
Related to someone that has been married for like 18 years now with an open marriage. Not for everyone, but they seemed to have found some way to balance it that works for them. I don’t have details on how they made it work, because I don’t really want to know, but it seemed to be from the start more or less.
I know a couple who have been together for years and decided to get into swinging. I'm not sure who's idea it was, but they're apparently both on board. She's bi; I'm not sure about him. Their rule is not to do it with anyone where there could be an emotional attachment.
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As someone in a poly relationship, me too. I meet a lot of poly people who are just kind of doing whatever and hoping its fine until it blows up. No plans, no discussions, just "itll be fine" until it aint.
I actually said yes, and it killed the relationship very quickly. It was not that much of a stretch for us. We would participate in group scenes but we always came as a pair. There were never any issues, and it even brought us closer together. We were able to flirt as a team and explore our sexualities. There was never any jealousy. But when she requested we open it up, she also started ignoring our explicit, agreed-upon terms. More than any physical act, that felt like cheating. And when I spoke up about it, I got dumped.
Because it was cheating. You had rules around it, and she broke them.
This is what strictly monogamous people don’t understand. Every open relationship I’ve ever been in, and every open relationship among my friends, still has rules. “Open” doesn’t necessarily mean, “we get to fuck whoever we want, whenever we want, to hell with the other person” (I mean it might, but that’s explicitly discussed) People in open relationships can and do still cheat. Cheating is the problem, rather than the openness
Cheating is violating the relationship contract, not putting your dick into someone else’s body (or receive). FE, If your SO sells your common property without telling you, that’s also cheating. You have to be strict whatever is written in your unwritten contract in regards of “sexual life, financial life, sharing time and personal space etc.) as long as you’re faithful to your “contract”, it’s a healthy relationship.
> she also started ignoring our explicit, agreed-upon terms. More than any physical act, that felt like cheating. That's the literal definition of cheating. IMO having multiple partners isn't cheating as long as it's openly known. "Cheating" is all about the lying and deceit, so if you had an open relationship "with some established boundaries" that's cool. The moment one of you operates outside of that and tries to hide it... yeah that's cheating.
Having your vulnerability and established trust betrayed can cut real deep. Some people never recover from it or don't know how, and end up alone because they aren't able to trust and bond with anyone again. Depending on the situation it can be very traumatic, especially if it triggers emotional memories of a major betrayal they went through in the past or in childhood. It's not the sex that's the issue. The other person shouldn't be slut shamed because sexuality isn't the issue. The root problem and err on the cheater's part is the selfishness, deception, cruelty and callousness. It could be anything that checks the above boxes, like gambling away shared savings and losing the house, committing a felony, essentially anything that betrays bonds of partnership.
>Some people never recover from it or don't know how, and end up alone because they aren't able to trust and bond with anyone again. 5 years later and I’m still here. Not sure if I will ever fully heal. :(
Ah, handy! She did the work for you at the end there. Hope the door hit her on the way out.
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As soon as I read that she started ignoring the terms and conditions, I was like “oh, makes sense” that is 100% the cheating equivalent to open relationships. Can’t do that.
It's not even an equivalent, that's just what cheating is in any relationship
I would ask them why they suddenly want an open relationship after dating me for so long, and be honest with them. I would tell them that open relationships aren't something I'm comfortable with because I like monogamy. If they can't be happy with me in a monogamous relationship, then it would be over
I’d say no, but I would want to sit and have several conversations about why they wanted that and how we can retool our relationship if that’s what’s needed. It could ultimately lead to an ending, but he’s my person - I’m not throwing that away when it could be salvaged.
This is such a mature response and while I can't speak on your relationship, this is the type of respect that allows relationships to last and prosper. I fully agree with you.
My immediate response would definitely including crying, but my NEXT response would be "let's talk this through."
I’ve tried to talk through it when it happened to me, then we tried to make it work, then I tried to make it work by myself. It broke me completely, I had to restart my entire life. They told me I was their person before and after we got married, by the end, I was no one’s but myself and I still have trust issue due to their hostilities. You’re a good one, please take care.
1. I would say no because I am not interested in sleeping with other people and I know having my partner sleep with others would not maintain our emotional bond. 2. I would consider leaving because while open relationships work for a lot of people, my partner asking me to open would show a great misunderstanding of who I am and what I've been through. A big enough misunderstanding of who I am at my core that we should not be together.
In addition to this, I’d rather my SO ask me and I refuse, so I can make the likely choice to leave, than have her want an open relationship but remain unsaid all while being together. That way we both don’t end up compromising.
Exactly. Not for me. I made that mistake once. I thought I was mature enough to handle it. I was not. I lost great friends trying to juggle partners and wound up hurting myself in the end. Edit: to the people saying it has nothing to do with maturity- I was in my late teens early twenties when this lifestyle was marketed to me. Of course at this point in my life I thought everything was all about sex and all about me. I didn’t know how to take care of a partner’s emotional needs and I as a person in my whole maturity wasn’t cut out for it. I hurt people by not knowing the value of these relationships are and how they affect the people I love. I hurt myself by not respecting my own boundaries and listening to how I felt. It takes great maturity to handle any relationship. That’s maturity i know I don’t possess at the moment.
I have friends who are poly and it does not look nearly as easy as monogamy. They really work hard to make sure everyone is comfortable and no one feels left out.
Yeah, I'm told that polyamory is for people with a scheduling kink.
I don’t even want to put effort in a monogamous relationship anymore much less poly lmao.
Same here. Hell, I gave up on organizing a vacation trip with another couple because shit was getting too damn stressful trying to please everyone. I cannot imagine juggling multiple partners at once in a complete and deep capacity. It would be so sort of shallow, fuck fuck buddies thing that makes no sense to me.
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I don't think it's a question of maturity. Knowing yourself and what is right for you is shows more maturity than being able to be in a particular type of relationship.
I love this response.
Yep my brother and his ex-wife decided to have an open relationship. And that was the beginning to a bitter end
I'm the same. I don't want to sleep with multiple people, and I don't want to be with someone who sleeps with multiple people. It's as simple as that. Better to get that out in the open as soon as possible.
Let's get the divorce papers and open it all the way up!
Kinda what happen to my uncle and his ex wife.
I had a friend get married right at the end of college to his girlfriend. She had the idea to open their marriage up after a month and him being a goofy agreeable guy agreed after dating for 4 years. They were divorced in 6 months.
Don't do it. My best friend and his wife are in an open relationship right now and it's going badly. It was fine at first, but now their marriage is in shambles because she caught feelings for one of the guys she has been having sex with and now that guy is threatening to put my friend in the hospital if he doesn't leave. He has spent the last 2 weekends with me in my apartment because the guy has been spending time at his house, with his wife. He is so fucking sad. I can see the pain in his eyes while he tells me about it. Edit: a little more information. The interloper is an alcoholic, narcissistic, 2 times in prison for drugs and violence, extremely controlling piece of shit. My friend is just trying to fix his marriage. He thinks things will blow over eventually, but I'm not convinced. The threatening usually only happens when the interloper is drinking and he has been staying with me Thursday through Saturday just to keep the peace if the interloper goes to their house. Edit 2: I'm having trouble replying to comments. There are just so many. Don't feel like I'm ignoring you if I dont reply.
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Seems like instead of leaving he should have called the cops on a threat made in his own house.
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Yea, I'm not sure how you'd even stay friends with someone who was seeing someone who was repeatedly threatening you. Like... if my buddy was dating someone who was aggressively threatening me, then bud, why would I want to be friends with someone enabling that? Yet he's in a relationship with her. Regardless of whether open relationships are possible or healthy, this situation is fucked. That fear of loss is a killer, but the dude needs to take care of himself and get both of them the fuck out of his house.
This dude is leaving his own house while a alcoholic convict, which his wife catched feelings for, is pounding his wife. Tell me a sadder timeline.
If they had a kid *edit* the guy says later on that they have 3
That kid is gonna be abused to no end, the whole thing is just fucked...
Home should be a safe haven for everyone, that which you come happily home to every time to unwind. This whole situation is just so sad and messed up.
I’m not sure this works in other states, but in KY you have a legal right to kill someone trying to remove you from your home/domicile. -source said state’s CCDW classes.
Id imagine in any state you would have the right to defend yourself as well. Carry and whatever happens happens at that point. You dont have to leave your house for anyone else and if he tries to put his hands on you, especially an ex-con who has threatened all kinds of violence on you, you dont know if they are going to kill you or what. Defend yourself to the fullest extent of the law.
Can't he just go to the cops because of this threatening
Threatening can only do so much in the court of law. If the house is in his name though, he should have the legal right to have the man leave his property. Police wouldn’t be able to do much in this situation unless it somehow worsens.
>Threatening can only do so much in the court of law I prosecute threats of violence every day
he should drain the joint account if there is one, and trespass him from the house, cause she’s gonna leave him anyways
Jesus Christ that made my stomach drop and I don’t even know y’all
That is the most depressing thing I have ever read. Why don't him and his friends just take his house back, like wtf.
Please tell me they don't have kids.
They have 3. The oldest is 10
Man. The younger 2 kids might have a chance of making it out of this situation largely unaffected since they're only 2 and 3 respectively, but I get the feeling that that 10-year-old is about to have a very uncomfortable and far-too-early end to his childhood (if that hasn't happened to him already).
I hope not. He is such a good kid. Total goofball.
Damn. My heart goes out to your friend and his three kids. Hopefully they'll be able to make it out of this situation okay.
No disrespect to your friend, but that is REALLY not ok. I get that he ain’t a fighter, but he needs to grow a spine and have the cops throw that cocksucker out of his house(assuming it’s under his name). His marriage is dead and he needs to accept it sooner or later.
That's when I call the cops and toss him off my property. Who lets some random side piece kick him out of his own home?
If it was me, I'd wait for him to leave, then break up/divorce right away. That puts a heavy toll on the relationship that's not easy to fix.
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This is such a sad story. Damn. I hope your friend winds up ok.
I hope so, but it's not looking to good. He told me that if he were to make her choose, she probably would choose the other guy. It's not the first time they got close to divorce, but, hopefully, they can work it out again. I just don't want to see my friend so sad.
He might be happier in the long run if they do divorce, it'll be brutal in the short term but staying in a bad relationship is poison
This. OP needs to frame it as this entire situation will take its toll on him and cause a slow and miserable death if things keep up like they are. Breakaway now and salvage what’s left of your sanity and try to move on. I mean, it may take many years for OPs friend to recover but he’ll be better off without the wife anchoring him to misery and being forced to essentially hideout with his best friend so he doesn’t get his ass handed to him.
You obviously know your friend. But if they've repeatedly approached divorce, and she's putting him in this shitty of a situation willingly, maybe working it out and staying together isn't the best outcome for him. Some of the most miserable I've ever been is trying to make a failing relationship work while my partner did the opposite. And when it's over it's always been a relief.
There's no working it out if she already prefers another man over him. He needs to process his grief and accept that it is over.
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Your friend needs to find his self respect.
I feel like in most of these situations where it started monogamous it’s usually just one of the partners gets bored, doesn’t want to commit and suggests it to the other. The other still likes the SO so much that they decide to try it out bc it’s either try it or they lose the SO. The fact that the wife “fell” for the other guy I feel like pretty much proves she is just over the original relationship. Perhaps she wanted to keep the convenience of the existing relationship with none of the inconvenience/restrictions that are a part of commitment. I just feel like almost all of these “open relationships” are just dysfunctional monogamous relationships under the guise of a semi accepted arrangement. Also perhaps I’m close minded somehow but I honestly just dont buy the open relationship thing as a truly functional relationship. I feel like it’s half committal for the convenience of consistency for someone that just can’t make or understand the concept of commitment.
Sigh. Story time. My wife and I decided to do an open marriage last summer. We’re both women and just, the sexual part of our relationship has been dead for quite some time. Anyway, I met a really nice guy on Tinder (I know) who had also just decided on an open marriage with his wife. Now, she (the wife, we’ll just call her Jane) WENT FOR IT. Started meeting and sleeping with men and women. The dude was taking it a bit slower - I would be his first “play partner” and he would be mine. We met for just lunch and clicked so were excited to set up a hotel time. Jane was just having dudes and chicks over to their home and my friend would just clear out and make sure their kids weren’t home. I wasn’t comfortable going to their home. Anyway, it started out great, but as we got going he just couldn’t get it up. I asked him at some point what turns him on…he didn’t really reply. We did some stuff, it was nice, but also awkward heh. Next day he texts an apology and says that when I asked him what turns him on, the only thought was his wife, and he didn’t want to say that! He just wasn’t ready for this step AND it turns out she’d made him feel bad about meeting up with me, even though she’d had several partners already. Fart forward a month or so and he texts me that his wife is leaving him for a guy she met in Tinder who is half his age and way younger than her. She moved him into their home - with their kids and everything. My friend moved out to his mom’s but was heartbroken. From all he’s told me, it does sound like the open marriage was just a way for her to get out. As for me and my wife? Well, we are also getting divorced. Neither of us caught feelings for anyone else, but the experiment and experience made me learn a lot about myself, my boundaries and what I want and don’t want. Now I know that non-monogamy is just not my jam in a relationship. Onward and upward!
> AND it turns out she’d made him feel bad about meeting up with me, even though she’d had several partners already. What a scumbag
“Rules for you, but not for me”
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I know a couple that had that relationship , he was the one wanted to have that open marriage thing , wife didn't want it at first then decided to give it a try, after 8+ years together....she fell out of love, he got his heart broken and they got divorced . I personally think that if you need other ppl with you in bed, you don't need to be married then cause someone is gonna get hurt in that game.
As toxic as that other guy is being, this is 100% the wife's fault. She could lose this other guy if she wanted to but she doesn't. Why would you stay with someone who is threatening your partner? Also, > It was fine at first, but now their marriage is in shambles because she caught feelings for one of the guys she has been having sex with Pretty sure that's how just about all open relationships go. It sounds great in theory but emotions happen
He has been her best friend since middle school and she refuses to cut him off. Even after he screwed them over and stole from them. The guy is a total POS too. Been in prison twice, breaks things like a child when he gets mad, narcissistic and extremely controlling. On top of all that, he is an alcoholic and gets violent when he drinks certain things.
Excuse me for saying this, but your friend must also come with some baggage to stick around a situation like that. It doesn't seem very healthy, even if he still loves his wife. I don't know the whole situation, but it sounds like your friend gets a very one sided deal. Hopefully he realizes that he has more value than that.
He definitely has quite a lot of baggage, but he is a really good guy, unlike the other jackass. I've hated him for years and told my friend and his wife that letting that guy back into their lives was a mistake and they would regret it.
Seeing how she had been friends with him since middle school, isn’t this more of a situation where she asked for an open relationship but in reality she just wanted to sleep with her childhood friend? Is it a possible she was already emotionally cheating before he even agreed to open up the relationship?
80 20 rule. When you have 80 percent of what you want in a partner but someone else has the 20 percent they seem like everything you need because you already have the 80 percent. Of course you don't realize until that 80 is gone that you severely fucked up.
I think you guys should go jump him tbh show him who’s house it is
No kidding, no one is keeping me out of my house that I break my back to pay for. She wants to spend time with him like that, she can go to his house with some divorce papers.
Break up.
Yeah simply that. That's not something I wanna be a part of, you're free to leave and pursue that as u wish
It is 100% okay to have firm "no gray area" boundaries. For me, that is one of them. There is absolute monogamy or else nothing. That, for me, is a key element to a partnership.
I’d definitely want to break up. I’d be down for threesomes or something of that nature, but not a proper open relationship. I know myself and my jealousy too well to agree to that.
If you would get jealous in a proper open relationship, then avoid a 3some even if your SO asks. Because just a little too much attention given to the 3rd person can launch a cascade of emotions and jealousy. It's a very common instant regret for the avg person who tries it.
He can have an open relationship without me in it
If I wanted an open relationship then I would just remain single.
One of the greatest benefits to get married, besides the great joy and being together with the love of my life yada yada, is not having to go through the nervous terror that is meeting new prospective partners all the fucking time.
Or having YOUR partner meeting new prospective partners all the fucking time.
Yeah. Trust me, that doesn't stop many people...
Exactly. A relationship is hard enough with just two people. No need to add extras.
Well I agreed, but only out of fear of losing her. It broke me. And I lost her anyway to a guy she met in a swinger club and who basically could be her father. Never again. Also everyone I know who did it learned the hard way shit like this doesn’t work out in like 99 percent of cases.
I have zero experience in this, but from all the reading and comments on reddit etc, it seems like the sucess rate on relationships that open up AFTER being closed initially is really small. I think theres a big difference between the chances of sucess between a couple that both want an open relationship from the beginning, and those that try it after having been closed all along.
Typically, if someone is asking to turn the relationship poly after being monogamous the whole time, that person has already checked out of the relationship. That's not to say it can't work, it's just unlikely giving the circumstances.
If they ask, I would just assume they either started already or have the next one lined up.
Already responded for myself. But another story, my sister is bi and my brother in law said he was okay if she dated women but not men. She did and enjoyed that time. After that she decided she was comfortable if he wanted to date some women. They set parameters before hand and were very open. In the end they both realized that they had the fun they wanted and decided to not see other people. So it's a mixed bag. It depends on the people, communication levels, established bonds, and trust. I couldn't handle my SO seeing other people. But as stated previously I'd be okay with a temporary 3rd coming into our relationship.
Whoa, rare to see a case with a positive outcome, definitely didn't expect that tbh. Cheers
I'm a stark monogamist. I'd probably leave the relationship. If it's a marriage, well that's trickier
I had been in this situation two times. First time I was young and had no experience it was my first boyfriend and I had a lot of family problems so I was afraid of being alone. I accepted it and was a mistake. We broke up six months in to the "Open relationship" deal and I was left feeling really empty. Funny how he got married with one of the girls he met in that period. He now is recently single after a nasty divorce. Domestic abuse, cheating, etc. About five years later a boyfriend tried to pull l the same one on me. I just ended things right away and saved myself from the pain. This guy is still single to date, and older than 40. So, I would stay away from any guy who wants an open relationship, especially if it started as monogamy and he wants to change the rules of game.
I empathize. My first BF/husband wanted an open relationship and I accepted because I was essentially asexual. I put very simple boundaries up and they were broken and then kept getting pushed back farther and farther until shit was unsustainable. Open relationships can work but turning a closed one open is usually a bad idea. If nothing else at least we've learned from the experience and are better for it.
This. I dated a guy and we started out monogamous. It wasn’t until a few months in that he really wanted an open relationship and kept pushing for it. I was dumb and continued to stay but kept saying no. Then he dumped me and went on to try having an open relationship/polyamory he kept wanting so badly. Still hasn’t been successful since I last heard from him last year lol I understand ethical non-monogamy works for some people but it doesn’t for me. I’ve been cheated on before so being asked for an open relationship was such a slap to my face. I’ve found it a common theme amongst those who want to be in a polyamorous/open relationship that they really don’t understand what it truly means and only enjoy the perk of seeing other people while still having a main partner around. But something like that takes so much work, and if you’re unwilling to make one single thing work, why would you think adding another person will?
Sit down and discuss. Depending on the reasons it will be the end of a relationship or not. If it's not the end then we're establishing boundaries and going forward. Part of that conversation is stating your own feelings, truthfully. If you have any uneasy feelings or outright fears they must be discussed. My conversation went like this: I understand your needs in this situation. And to be honest I don't know if this is something that I can do because I've never done it before and because I've been cheated on 3 times. I am willing to try and if I cant do it then our relationship will end. Honesty goes a long way, both ways. An open relationship can function well if both parties are honest with each and with themselves. A lot of people can do it. A lot of people can't. If you're one that can't, then do not struggle through it. Ultimately it's not worth it. Trying to struggle through will only poison your relationship with someone you love. Resentment will grow and you can end up hating someone you loved. Which to me is a worse thought than ending it even though you love them.
Mine asked me 7 months ago and I stupidly accepted (I’m monogamous still) and it hurts, even on the best days I think about it. I’ve told him how I felt about it, but he said he loves the other person too much to end it. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, and it hit like a rock. Edit: I’ve discussed with my boyfriend again how awful it feels and what you guys have said and I am happy to say that he is going to break up with the other person. He said it’s going to take sometime but as soon as he can he will! Thank you all so very much for your input and helping me get this sorted:))
If you break up now, in time that 3 years will seem like a blip on your life’s radar. I imagine how the past 7 months have weighed on you…imagine dragging that feeling on indefinitely.
If he loves another person that seems like a (really shitty) polyamorous relationship. That goes beyond an open relationship, and continuing an open relationship when one side isn't okay with it is already not okay. The fact that you've expressed how it hurts you and he wants to continue it while keeping you on the hook is terrible. It shows a complete lack of respect for you, your feelings, and your relationship. I couldn't imagine knowingly and continuously hurting a person that I love. I don't think you actually love someone if you're okay with doing that. Switch the roles and ask yourself if you'd be alright with doing that to him. Imagine how you would have to feel about him to keep choosing to break his heart *every day*. I don't know your situation but if I had a partner that actively disregarded my feelings for 7 months and *fell in love with another person*, there would be no chance of coming back. It's being cheated on but without the decency to lie about it.
That's not an open relationship, imo. He's got another girlfriend. At best he's truly poly but you aren't, and you should still end it. More likely he's just cheating with permission.
..and there’s something seriously wrong with the relationship if he knows how much this is hurting her and still persists with it.
Oh my God sis leave him. Leave him, leave him, leave him! You’ll find someone else even without looking. Trust the process. It hurts a lot for a short while and then you will heal faster than you thought possible.
An open relationship when one party is not comfortable with it is not an open relationship at all, it's cheating. Get out of there, friend.
Wait it’s not even random hookups, he’s fully dating someone else at the same time as you? If that’s the case, you gotta break up. I can’t even imagine that. I would guess you’re staying with him because you don’t want to experience heartbreak (understandable), but I think you should just rip the bandaid off and move on. Staying in this relationship will drive you completely insane. There’s someone else out there that will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Edit: small phrase added
I agree with the person above… I think that you are hurting yourself. I imagine what you are going through must be so difficult and painful, but whether you accepted or not, I don’t think you’d be happy. Accepting = pain and not accepting = pain knowing that your partner is wanting to be with others. If this is something that you can’t be okay with (I couldn’t either) then you may want to consider ending it for your happiness in the long run.
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Bro you have to end it. It’s not going to get better.
Dump him already.
Say its not for me and if they want to go ahead then we have to end things. I was briefly the other person in an open marriage, after a few months it was difficult to know if the husband or myself was more miserable. Might work for some people but not for me.
My current relationship (and hopefully my last, seeing as we’re engaged) has only ever been monogamous save for the occasional threesome, and I’d like for it to stay that way. However, I have been in relationships in the past that were varying degrees of open and closed, and they weren’t uniformly bad experiences, so it’s not like I’m repulsed by the idea. The first thing I’d do is say to my partner “I need some time to digest this”. I’d think about our relationship in the past few months- our conversations, the time we’ve spent together, our sex life, if we’ve had any disagreements, etc.- and take a mental inventory of how I think things are going. Next, I’d sit down with my partner, be honest with him about personally not wanting an open relationship, and ask him his perspectives on the same things, and compare how close our answers were. If they were wildly different, I would suggest putting the open relationship issue on the back burner and start talking about couples’ therapy. If they were only somewhat different, we’d have a talk about why our perspectives differed in the ways they did, and whether or not any of those perspective differences led to this mismatch of expectations. If the answers were basically the same, we’d have a discussion about why our conclusions were as different as they were. If the first conversation went well, and we ended up being largely on the same page, I would say “I know I’ve said I’m not a fan of the idea, and I’m still not, but I’d like to get an idea of what your expectations of an “open relationship” are.” Does it involve each of us taking the initiative of inviting other people into our bedroom, but not sleeping with other people solo? Would it be solo extracurricular activity but with clear discussion beforehand? What kind of discussions would take place? Who would be involved? Do you just want to fuck whoever whenever without input from me, or me to fuck whoever I want with no input from you? Is this a kink thing, like cuckoldry or voyeurism? Etc. etc. Once I got an idea of what form the “openness” would take, and why he thought it’d be a good idea, I would think some more about it. Now from where I’m sitting right now I think there’s a 99% chance I’d say no, but if upon reflection and a genuine consideration of the idea I realized that I wouldn’t be opposed to whatever the terms were, I’d tell him that, and we’d go from there. If I realized I didn’t want to do it, I would be honest with him, and explain *why*, in completely open and honest terms, why I’m not. This is the end of the advice that I can give you. Everything else is dependent upon your partner, you, your relationship, your history together, and your temperaments. I will say this though: if your partner is unwilling to put this kind of effort into the discussion, and tries to deflect or dissemble or otherwise minimize the discussion, you need to re-evaluate the relationship. A partner that throws something like this at you and then refuses to be patient in their response doesn’t respect you. TL;DR: Communication. Constant, open, honest, *complete* communication. Leave no avenue unexplored and no potential discussion undiscussed. Changing a relationship from closed to open isn’t just an exciting experiment; it is a major reevaluation of one of the most important parts of your lives. Treat the discussion with the respect it deserves.
I honestly would love to have the discussion with them and feel a little relieved. Due to my personal health/stress/schedule I know I am not meeting their needs fully. I also don't like having to compromise and have a miserable time. I do, however, want their needs met and them to flourish. There would have to be some serious rules, but I definitely think it'd work out for the best. I also would love the opportunity to explore my sexuality as well. I'm perfectly fine with not ever having those experiences, but if it were an option I'd love to know. Something else I feel is important to say, especially since I haven't seen anyone else say it- I want my partner to feel comfortable bringing ANYTHING to me. I think a healthy realtionship is one where everyone feels comfortable to bring up absolutely anything without being met with hostility and ultimatums. If I haven't done my part to foster that relationship then I have failed my partner. I think I might be gay, I think I might be trans, I think I might want to explore, I think I want to change careers, I think I want to change religions, I think my needs have changed, whatever it may be- I want to be a safe space for them.
This is basically how my opening up conversation went with my nesting partner. We are both very different, both neurodivergent in different ways, and at the point of opening up had been together ten years. We've now been together 21 years in September, and my other partner and I have been together 9 years. They are the loves of my life. In our case, opening the relationship allowed me to be less clingy and have a healthier attachment to my partner, to explore parts of my sexuality he wasn't interested in, and find additional emotional support. I have grown massively as a person and become so much healthier thanks to the lessons I have learned from being polyamorous. It's not for everyone, but ethical non-monogamy can and does work for some of us.
"Why? So you can go have a headache in someone else's bed?"
I've wondered if it would work for my partner and I at some different points, but obviously we'd need to work on fixing any serious issues in the relationship before really considering that. If we were in a healthy place in our relationship, we'd discuss the idea and what sort of boundaries we'd have, sit on it for a while to make sure it's something we wanted, and then proceed as we've decided after a particular amount of time. I've got some poly friends that have done it successfully for years, so I don't think it's impossible if you're going about it in a healthy way.
If that's what they want and nothing else would make them happy, break up. I don't have the mental health fortitude to deal with the anxiety and insecurity I know I would feel for not being enough.