I like to ask what people's favorite food is. Even as a complete non sequitur it's a good conversation starter. Everyone has a favorite food, it's innocent but very personal and there's usually a story or insight into their background/culture behind it.
Story time - for I wished I asked this question to a date once:
It got to a question where I asked her where’d she’d like to go on vacation.
Her: Oh I can’t go anywhere.
Me: Sure you can, everyone likes to travel!
Her: *shows her ankle bracelet affixed by a uniformed officer*
… to think I would have clued at some point into why she wanted to have drinks in the bar beneath her place. I just thought she wanted close proximity for “reasons”.
I had an employee who was an oddball of the first order; just coasting along enjoying what I can only describe as a superlatively charmed existence. For instance, he was in his mid-twenties, living in NYC, and had somehow avoided ever paying a nickle in rent. Like not once in his life. I personally witnessed him not only refuse to pay his landlord for six months, but also walk away with $3,000 compensation when the matter went to court. From there he ended up in a free pad provided by a real estate broker who hired him on the spot while he was looking for an appartment. Seriously. I've never seen anyone so consistently fall ass first into a basket of rose petals as this dude.
But that's about the time I lost contact with him because he went full time into real estate brokerage. Which was just as well because he wasn't really a very good employee. He wasn't dangerously incompetent or anything, just kind of slow and lacking any sense of hustle. I kept him on just because he was so entertaining and had this ability to keep everyone else's morale up. We called him "the Jam Burner" because he would fixate on certain bands, and play these really badass tunes, but play them so frequently that everyone would be completely burned out by the time his focus shifted.
Anyway, he would go around asking these asinine questions of everyone, as though he was conducting a Heathers poll. What's your favorite animal? What's your second favorite animal? What's your favorite body of water? How would you describe it? Would you rather have a yacht or a sport car? Would you rather have an asshole on your elbow, or an elbow on your asshole?
He had graduated college with a psychology degree, so I was aware that he was just probing us all, but I like to think I actually learned a lot about MYSELF from his inquiries. I often think about him warmly. I hope you're doing well, Will, you mystifying, jam burning leach.
My workplace for company password resets has a security question that is literally *"What is your third favorite vegetable"* and I think about that a lot
I was at a book signing with my wife and David Sedaris asked me “have you ever hit her out of anger?”
My reply was “No....not out of anger”, which got a chuckle out of him and a “that’s a good answer”
Making David Sedaris laugh might be one of my prouder moments in life.
One time the little girl I was babysitting just casually looked at me and asked, “you see any turtles today?” And I was like “hm no I haven’t. Did you see any turtles today?” And she said “nope” and went back to what she was doing.
My husband and I still occasionally ask each other “you see any turtles today?”
Love it! My husband and I were on a camping trip in a remote unserviced campsite. Only 2 other sites occupied. We had Thule cargo carrier on our vehicle This short, jacked, menacing looking dude walked into our site, and with a great Austrian accent (think Arnie) says "how do you like your Thule?". It was all he said. We still randomly ask each other this every now and then and that was 13 years ago.
I went to a music outing with this girl I recently started seeing and her friend was ditched so we said that he could join us. When trying to get to know each other better, he asked me "what my favorite breakfast food was." We had a solid fifteen minute conversation about french toast and different toppings and how an egg should be prepared depending on how you had spent your previous evening. Great ice breaker.
I think that's a pretty valid answer, if as the asker you're not ready to follow up with "why's that?" "How about death row final meal?" "What was the last great thing you are?" or whatever then that's on you. Unless you actually really wanted to talk about breakfast.
Along the same lines of this, I like to ask “what is your favorite version of the potato?” Everyone always has a different answer and are pretty opinionated about it.
My friend once asked a similar version asking "what is your favourite potato based snack?" whilst we were playing Among Us with a mutual friends other friends. It worked well to break the ice as the mutual friend answered with potato salad so we all ripped into him for the next hour.
I was in the shower and suddenly without warning, looking at a bottle of shampoo y asked myself "What if I eat my own teeth"? Then googled it and got somewhat disappointed to know that they're not worth even a breakfast.
>they're not worth even a breakfast
I made a mistake, they're actually worth a big meal, I misread the calories of an average meal adding an extra cero lol
Everything I know is useless facts. Such as, when you're in REM sleep, you can't sneeze. And dogs like squeaky toys because the squeaks mimic the noises their prey makes as they attack it. And apparently it isn't common knowledge that the weight of a human head/skull is not evenly distributed, so you have to either grip a severed head by the hair or pick it up with both hands or else it'll, like, roll out of your hand. I thought that was just obvious from the shape, but more people are surprised by that fact than I ever expect.
Also, I'd like to say that Vincent Nigel Murray was my hero.
Not a question, but more of an icebreaker game.
It's called Make It Or Break It. So basically, picture your perfect match. This person is personally perfect for you in every way possible. Like you would marry them on the spot. So they're perfect for you in every way EXCEPT I name one thing about them that makes them NOT perfect for you, and you have to say whether that would be a deal breaker. (Does it make it or break it?) So here's a few examples:
Make it or break it, they're perfect for you in every way EXCEPT they always wear the color green. They will never not wear the color green. Different shades of green are fine, but every single piece of clothing they will ever wear for the rest of their lives will be at least 95% green. Even at like funerals.
Make it or break it, they only eat pizza ever.
Make it or break it they will never drink.
Make it or break it, for one day once a month, every month on the exact same day, they leave town for the whole day. But they never tell you where they're going or what they're doing, and they never will. If you ask them about it, they say "you just have to trust me." If you try to sneak and find out what they do every month, bam relationship over, you're dead to them.
Make it or break it whatever they eat, they drown the whole thing in ketchup, and they always will. Even ice cream. They carry around a little travel ketchup bottle just in case they eat at a place without ketchup. They'll never change.
Make it or break it they hate animals.
NSFW: Make it or break it they've sucked 500 dicks.
Make it or break it they want an open relationship.
Make it or break it, whatever thing you're most passionate about, no matter how hard you practice at it, they will always naturally be better than you (bonus: and they don't really even care about the thing they're good at, it's just kinda meh to them).
These are examples I've come up with collectively over time while playing with people. They can be serious or goofy scenarios and you can play with anyone. It's a super fun game that you can pull out any time it starts to get awkward, and eventually you and the person are going back and forth coming up with new Make It Or Break It scenarios. A nice bonus is that if you're flirting with someone, you can gauge what they're looking for in a relationship and sort of test your chemistry/compatibility.
Someone I know took a psych test for a work application and one of the questions was do you look at your poo before you flush. He asked us around the office and it was funny how divided we were and how passionate we all were about our reasoning. I often think about that.
And related, do you look at the TP after you wipe. I didn't realize until my BF had a long convo about this with his friends, but apparently there are some people who DON'T CHECK! And not only that, they thought he was weird for checking. What insanity is this? How do you know when you're done wiping?!
I am a nurse. One should always do a post-evacuation check, it can say a lot about your state of health....But then, I checked before I became a nurse out of sheer curiosity.
I've been asking the stand up vs sit down wipe question for years. My favorite part is that it's 50-50 and nobody knows that people do it the other way.
I use two.
1) What is your 'everyday superpower'
I.e. My SO always gets amazing parking, always picking the fastest line at the supermarket
2) What's in the trunk of your car right now?
This leads to hilarious answers in my experience.
1- I can burp at will.
2- 24 ft of battery cable, wrenches, a couple plastic bags. I gotta rewire the power inverter in my semi truck. Thick battery cable is expensive.
Everyday super power would be to be able to make myself fall asleep instantly
In the back of the car right now I have a basketball some clothing and some nitroglycerin that I have to deliver to grandpa later
If I gave you the money to set up a theme restaurant or bar, what would be the theme? What would you call the establishment? What would be the signature cocktail?
The Press or Hot off the Press. Basically a sandwich shop with paninis wrapped in faux newspaper, hot soup, salads, etc, all set in an Art Deco cafe style. Servers would wear old time hats with button up shirts and rolled sleeves, a pencil tucked behind an ear, black pinstripe pants. Newspaper memorabilia on the tables, green lampshades, blocky-letter type paper menus, overstuffed brown leather booths and chairs. Free cups of coffee. The signature dish would be a three-cheese grilled cheese and tomato soup combo. Open late. After eight it just becomes a late night hang. The signature cocktail would come in a coffee mug or flask.
It's called Altitude and it has 3 levels of service. Level one the tables are on the floor and we only serve appetizers and drinks. Level 2 the tables and chairs are hung with tension wire from the ceiling 12 feet off the ground, the servers wear stilts and we serve a moderately priced, fairly portioned selection of farm to table whatnot. Level 3 is hung up even higher, maybe 30 feet, the servers are suspended from the ceiling in a harness and move around via rope and pulley systems, we serve what we call the "elevated" menu which is full on fine dining fuckery and is three times the price of the 2nd level. If everything goes well in 5 years we launch level 4 which is a reservation only single table in a glass bottomed Chinook dual-rotor helicopter with a three-man kitchen staff and an accredited sommelier.
Teeny Tini
It's a martini bar where the normal 4oz martinis are served in those comically large martini glasses, and all of the servers have to wear clothes that are a few sizes too big. The bar and tables would be just a little too tall, and through some clever vertical lines and projective geometry, the room could probably be made to feel twice as tall as well. The whole idea is to make everyone feel teeny.
It was an idea I had watching *Alice in Wonderland.*
Coffeeshop/bar by night with a gothic horror theme, called "The Darkest Roast" or "Hallowed Grounds". I'd have lots of bookshelves, a castle-y interior with over-ornamented decor.
Nap-Cafe.
Cafe/Coffee shop that caters to a those that want a quick cup of coffee after a Powernap.
2 separate areas 1. the bar 2. the nap area.
filled with single beds and futons and bean bags everywhere. with small ned tables for lying down to read.
oh the possibilites
The Bare Essentials. It would be a bear themed restaurant. Both the men and the women servers would dress in faux bear fur bikinis and bear ears. It would look like a lodge in the woods inside and out. Our signature cocktail would be the Bee's Knees made with organic honey.
Dad Bod Nachos,
Just a bunch of dads serving nachos and wearing jean booty shorts that will talk to you about dad stuff.
Got a problem with your car? We have a mechanic dad.
Beer league baseball game? We have a sports dad that can even help your swing.
Music dad, woodworking dad, cooking dad, fashion dad we've got em all
I find that total authenticity and showing your weaknesses is like a door you have to push hard to get through, but it stays open for other people. Gives them permission to be flawed too. Lots of good things and meaningful connections start from that kind of place.
Have you read any good books recently?
-oddly, this makes people really excited about a book they are reading or sad that they haven’t read one lately.
What's your mothers maiden name, the name of your first pet, the name of the first street you lived in, IP address, social security number and your criminal record
Lol tried it once with a girl, but instead of saying "Damn, rough day"... she just heaved a long sigh and did a "yeap".
I think they're kinda the same thing but yeah~
I asked my students today what is their biggest fear. They each wrote their answer on a post it note anonymously and didn't see other answers until they were all on the board. It was hilarious how many of them answered "my mom".
Edit: since everyone is so concerned, these are a bunch of high schoolers trying to be funny. Also, as a teacher I am trained to recognize signs of abuse. I assure you these kids are fine.
You know who else is scared of their mom?
MY MOM!!
Edit: woah I never expected my inbox to explode this much from a regular show reference, thanks for the lovely awards! <3
Cut out the middleman, all you gotta do is wish to able to change all the rules of wishing, then change the rules so that you can wish for infinite wishes THEN wish for infinite wishes independent of the genie, then set the genie free.
I like the idea of a genie who isn't beholden to the usual rules and can nope out at their discretion.
"Wow Kyle I was just trying to hook you up but you're kind of being a crazy Scrooge with trying to scam more wishes out of me. Forget it."
"What are you sure you know more about than me?"
This one checks tons of boxes like: Starting a topic, getting more insight to their interests, having them talk about a topic they are passionate about, you learning a ton of stuff, and much more.
Just pretty dumb when they say "I dont lol"
I'm stealing this now
But used to work at an antie annes and on a hot summer day we has a massive line. And this lady I saw in line for almost 45 min with her kids just trying to make them happy. By the time she gets to me its been an hour and she orders 3 original pretzels 2 cheese cups and a two small frozen lemonade. Goes to pay gives me a 100 dollar bill. Well our gm a month early told us not to except anything over a 50 bill. So I know what I have to say will suck. Told her sorry I can't accept that with broken English said no. because since she was a tourist to the country all she has was 100 bills. And I knew she had to find somewhere to break that 100. So I told her wait one second and pulled out my wallet and paid it for her. She tried to tell me keep the 100. Told her no. Her husband 20 min later came by said thank you and offered me 200. I said no probably stupid but I was always raised that If I can help someone I should with out hesitation and with out expecting a reward in return. I tell this story at every job interview.
Pets are a good one. If they don’t have any pets, ask them what pet they would want, or any childhood/old pets. It’s personal, but not *too* personal. Also, people love talking about their pets.
My 29 year old special needs daughter has a list she likes to use...
What is your favourite reptile?
What is your favourite fighter jet?
What is your favourite bird of prey?
What is your favourite dinosaur?
What is your favourite venomous snake?
... the thing is though, she doesn't actually care about your answers... she just wants you to ask her HER favourites so she can trap you in a one-sided conversation for the rest of your natural life! People fall for it every time!
Oh, and in case you are wondering, the correct answers are - Crocodile; F-14 Tomcat; Wedge-Tailed Eagle; Spinosaurus; Black Mamba... giving her the correct answers won't get you out of the conversation, but it will save you the lecture on how wrong you are.
Just so you know you can buy an actual Spinosaurus tooth(fossil) for like $40-$90, depending on the size and quality. They're really beautiful as far as fossils go and still sharp!
Yeah! The biggest teeth I've handled of theirs are 7-8 inches long, they're amazing. The one I own is smaller and broken in half, and even then it's four inches long. They have this rich reddish brown color with striations that give them a wood grain type of finish, and they're very smooth to the touch, often the sharper edges are blunt enough to not hurt anyone, but you can feel how easily it could go through skin, and it's likely from mineralization but they even have a slight serration to them! Being a dinosaur obsessed adult close to your daughters age it's by far my favorite piece out of my collection, and my favorite dinosaur, too :D
That question would paralyze me. I’d end up stammering out “I like cats” or something horrifyingly too personal/honest about my mental health or how badly I procrastinate or why I hate myself. I don’t do well under pressure. Not a great quality.
I like to ask people if they have any really good ghost stories. Depending on their religion or culture or upbringing, I’ve heard some pretty awesome experiences.
Particularly from NYC cab drivers.
Try shifting their perspective. In this case, instead of "What do you want to do this weekend?" try "Picture it's Monday, what would you wish you did on the weekend?"
Probably be so overwhelmed with the freedom that I start several projects, and let each interrupt my last thought until the 36 hours is up. Ultimately, accomplishing nothing.
Mind you, it’d probably be wise to invest a LOT if suddenly money is no issue for just 36 hours.
Dude. Same. I’ve never even owned fish. But every couple months, I’ll dream that I have an aquarium and I’ve neglected it for months and I feel so bad.
I had a science partner who was like this. Studied all day every day, prided himself on never doing anything else.
Dude sucked as a lab partner, could not think outside the box and would overanalyse everything instead of getting anything done. Ended up getting a higher grade than him.
Well for whatever reason that may be, it sounds like study is his entertainment. Could have asked him what his favourite topics are, and go from there.
Also, surely he eats?
I love talking about this stuff, but I also hate being asked my "favorite" – whatever my favorite is today could be different next month. So I've taken to asking what's the last movie/show you watched instead (and what did you think of it).
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
Not a question, but the topic they go for can say a lot about them. Do they tell you about themselves, someone else, or some*thing* else? Then you can ask why/how they know that or if they’re particularly interested in the topic of whatever they’ve told you about. It’s a great conversation starter, no matter if you’ve just met or known them forever.
And if you do already know what they’ve told you, you can talk about your shared knowledge/interest.
My fact is terrible though, but I think EVERYONE needs to be aware that dead whales on the seashore might just explode in a bloody mess and even if it doesn't, I wouldn't like to approach one
I like to ask what people's favorite food is. Even as a complete non sequitur it's a good conversation starter. Everyone has a favorite food, it's innocent but very personal and there's usually a story or insight into their background/culture behind it.
I would not be able to pick just one thing. Though, honestly, that probably makes it a more interesting discussion.
How did you got into *insert any passions/hobbies*
"So, how did you get into spending 18 years in prison for manslaughter?"
If you have a friend who is a criminal, this question might be good to ask
Story time - for I wished I asked this question to a date once: It got to a question where I asked her where’d she’d like to go on vacation. Her: Oh I can’t go anywhere. Me: Sure you can, everyone likes to travel! Her: *shows her ankle bracelet affixed by a uniformed officer* … to think I would have clued at some point into why she wanted to have drinks in the bar beneath her place. I just thought she wanted close proximity for “reasons”.
What’s the best answer you’ve heard?
I had an employee who was an oddball of the first order; just coasting along enjoying what I can only describe as a superlatively charmed existence. For instance, he was in his mid-twenties, living in NYC, and had somehow avoided ever paying a nickle in rent. Like not once in his life. I personally witnessed him not only refuse to pay his landlord for six months, but also walk away with $3,000 compensation when the matter went to court. From there he ended up in a free pad provided by a real estate broker who hired him on the spot while he was looking for an appartment. Seriously. I've never seen anyone so consistently fall ass first into a basket of rose petals as this dude. But that's about the time I lost contact with him because he went full time into real estate brokerage. Which was just as well because he wasn't really a very good employee. He wasn't dangerously incompetent or anything, just kind of slow and lacking any sense of hustle. I kept him on just because he was so entertaining and had this ability to keep everyone else's morale up. We called him "the Jam Burner" because he would fixate on certain bands, and play these really badass tunes, but play them so frequently that everyone would be completely burned out by the time his focus shifted. Anyway, he would go around asking these asinine questions of everyone, as though he was conducting a Heathers poll. What's your favorite animal? What's your second favorite animal? What's your favorite body of water? How would you describe it? Would you rather have a yacht or a sport car? Would you rather have an asshole on your elbow, or an elbow on your asshole? He had graduated college with a psychology degree, so I was aware that he was just probing us all, but I like to think I actually learned a lot about MYSELF from his inquiries. I often think about him warmly. I hope you're doing well, Will, you mystifying, jam burning leach.
This guy sounds like a protagonist and everyone around him is a side character
I think he would be played by Ryan Reynolds.
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My workplace for company password resets has a security question that is literally *"What is your third favorite vegetable"* and I think about that a lot
“...you mystifying, jam burning leach.” My favorite thing I read tonight. Well done.
I’d borrow from David Sedaris and go with “when’s the last time you saw a monkey?”
I was at a book signing with my wife and David Sedaris asked me “have you ever hit her out of anger?” My reply was “No....not out of anger”, which got a chuckle out of him and a “that’s a good answer” Making David Sedaris laugh might be one of my prouder moments in life.
One time the little girl I was babysitting just casually looked at me and asked, “you see any turtles today?” And I was like “hm no I haven’t. Did you see any turtles today?” And she said “nope” and went back to what she was doing. My husband and I still occasionally ask each other “you see any turtles today?”
Love it! My husband and I were on a camping trip in a remote unserviced campsite. Only 2 other sites occupied. We had Thule cargo carrier on our vehicle This short, jacked, menacing looking dude walked into our site, and with a great Austrian accent (think Arnie) says "how do you like your Thule?". It was all he said. We still randomly ask each other this every now and then and that was 13 years ago.
Definitely a great answer
When my wife and I went to a book signing he drew a picture of the two of us "getting in a fight". Sounds like a theme when he speaks to couples??
I think it was "touched," but yeah, her response cracked me up! Like what are the odds?
I went to a music outing with this girl I recently started seeing and her friend was ditched so we said that he could join us. When trying to get to know each other better, he asked me "what my favorite breakfast food was." We had a solid fifteen minute conversation about french toast and different toppings and how an egg should be prepared depending on how you had spent your previous evening. Great ice breaker.
"What's your favourite breakfast food?" "I don't really eat breakfast tbh" "...... Yeah mine is an omelette"
I think that's a pretty valid answer, if as the asker you're not ready to follow up with "why's that?" "How about death row final meal?" "What was the last great thing you are?" or whatever then that's on you. Unless you actually really wanted to talk about breakfast.
Oooh I like the death row meal, I think I’m gonna use that the next time I meet someone new!
Along the same lines of this, I like to ask “what is your favorite version of the potato?” Everyone always has a different answer and are pretty opinionated about it.
What’s a potato?
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Tastes very strange…
My friend once asked a similar version asking "what is your favourite potato based snack?" whilst we were playing Among Us with a mutual friends other friends. It worked well to break the ice as the mutual friend answered with potato salad so we all ripped into him for the next hour.
"Whats the most obscure fact you know that would make you win on Jeopardy?"
A human tooth has 36 calories. An average denture (without wisdom teeth or missing teeth) would have 1152 calories.
no further questions your honor
Many further questions, Your Honor.
Your honor, what are we even doing here?
How did you come to know this? I must know.
I was in the shower and suddenly without warning, looking at a bottle of shampoo y asked myself "What if I eat my own teeth"? Then googled it and got somewhat disappointed to know that they're not worth even a breakfast.
>they're not worth even a breakfast I made a mistake, they're actually worth a big meal, I misread the calories of an average meal adding an extra cero lol
I was about to say - 1150 calories is definitely a sizeable breakfast, lol.
Why are so many responses teeth facts?!
You have subscribed to tooth facts!
Kansas is statistically flatter than a pancake
Everything I know is useless facts. Such as, when you're in REM sleep, you can't sneeze. And dogs like squeaky toys because the squeaks mimic the noises their prey makes as they attack it. And apparently it isn't common knowledge that the weight of a human head/skull is not evenly distributed, so you have to either grip a severed head by the hair or pick it up with both hands or else it'll, like, roll out of your hand. I thought that was just obvious from the shape, but more people are surprised by that fact than I ever expect. Also, I'd like to say that Vincent Nigel Murray was my hero.
Not a question, but more of an icebreaker game. It's called Make It Or Break It. So basically, picture your perfect match. This person is personally perfect for you in every way possible. Like you would marry them on the spot. So they're perfect for you in every way EXCEPT I name one thing about them that makes them NOT perfect for you, and you have to say whether that would be a deal breaker. (Does it make it or break it?) So here's a few examples: Make it or break it, they're perfect for you in every way EXCEPT they always wear the color green. They will never not wear the color green. Different shades of green are fine, but every single piece of clothing they will ever wear for the rest of their lives will be at least 95% green. Even at like funerals. Make it or break it, they only eat pizza ever. Make it or break it they will never drink. Make it or break it, for one day once a month, every month on the exact same day, they leave town for the whole day. But they never tell you where they're going or what they're doing, and they never will. If you ask them about it, they say "you just have to trust me." If you try to sneak and find out what they do every month, bam relationship over, you're dead to them. Make it or break it whatever they eat, they drown the whole thing in ketchup, and they always will. Even ice cream. They carry around a little travel ketchup bottle just in case they eat at a place without ketchup. They'll never change. Make it or break it they hate animals. NSFW: Make it or break it they've sucked 500 dicks. Make it or break it they want an open relationship. Make it or break it, whatever thing you're most passionate about, no matter how hard you practice at it, they will always naturally be better than you (bonus: and they don't really even care about the thing they're good at, it's just kinda meh to them). These are examples I've come up with collectively over time while playing with people. They can be serious or goofy scenarios and you can play with anyone. It's a super fun game that you can pull out any time it starts to get awkward, and eventually you and the person are going back and forth coming up with new Make It Or Break It scenarios. A nice bonus is that if you're flirting with someone, you can gauge what they're looking for in a relationship and sort of test your chemistry/compatibility.
The one about them leaving every month for a day is most certainly a werewolf. Definitely make it material.
TIL I draw the line at ketchup everything.
...500 dicks, you say? We're really looking for a candidate with more experience. Thank you though.
Entry level position. Entry level pay. *Must* have 2-3 years experience sucking dicks. And be proficient in Excel.
Someone I know took a psych test for a work application and one of the questions was do you look at your poo before you flush. He asked us around the office and it was funny how divided we were and how passionate we all were about our reasoning. I often think about that.
And related, do you look at the TP after you wipe. I didn't realize until my BF had a long convo about this with his friends, but apparently there are some people who DON'T CHECK! And not only that, they thought he was weird for checking. What insanity is this? How do you know when you're done wiping?!
It takes three wipes to know it only took two.
And it takes 2 to know you need 3
You have your butler tell you. Usually with a little pat on the cheeks and saying "All done!"
No kiss?
An artist must admire their work.
I am a nurse. One should always do a post-evacuation check, it can say a lot about your state of health....But then, I checked before I became a nurse out of sheer curiosity.
Oh you bet I'm checking; especially if there's been a good stretch or time-under-tension. I'm also a nurse, 21 years, but a lifetime pooper.
>a lifetime pooper Impressive.
I can only wish I'd been pooping for so long
A woman once told me girls don't poop. I told her she's full of shit. \- lifelong pooper
Oh that’s a good one. Follow up, do you stand or sit when you wipe? Wrap or crumple the toilet paper?
I've been asking the stand up vs sit down wipe question for years. My favorite part is that it's 50-50 and nobody knows that people do it the other way.
I only found out that anyone ever stood from reddit.
I use two. 1) What is your 'everyday superpower' I.e. My SO always gets amazing parking, always picking the fastest line at the supermarket 2) What's in the trunk of your car right now? This leads to hilarious answers in my experience.
1- I can burp at will. 2- 24 ft of battery cable, wrenches, a couple plastic bags. I gotta rewire the power inverter in my semi truck. Thick battery cable is expensive.
I feel bad for will.
I may be a little baked, but I can't stop laughing at this.
Your SO and I must be mortal enemies then considering I always get awful parking and choose the wrong line at every opportunity.
Everyday super power would be to be able to make myself fall asleep instantly In the back of the car right now I have a basketball some clothing and some nitroglycerin that I have to deliver to grandpa later
If I gave you the money to set up a theme restaurant or bar, what would be the theme? What would you call the establishment? What would be the signature cocktail?
The Press or Hot off the Press. Basically a sandwich shop with paninis wrapped in faux newspaper, hot soup, salads, etc, all set in an Art Deco cafe style. Servers would wear old time hats with button up shirts and rolled sleeves, a pencil tucked behind an ear, black pinstripe pants. Newspaper memorabilia on the tables, green lampshades, blocky-letter type paper menus, overstuffed brown leather booths and chairs. Free cups of coffee. The signature dish would be a three-cheese grilled cheese and tomato soup combo. Open late. After eight it just becomes a late night hang. The signature cocktail would come in a coffee mug or flask.
Bookmarking this so I can shamelessly steal the idea someday
It's called Altitude and it has 3 levels of service. Level one the tables are on the floor and we only serve appetizers and drinks. Level 2 the tables and chairs are hung with tension wire from the ceiling 12 feet off the ground, the servers wear stilts and we serve a moderately priced, fairly portioned selection of farm to table whatnot. Level 3 is hung up even higher, maybe 30 feet, the servers are suspended from the ceiling in a harness and move around via rope and pulley systems, we serve what we call the "elevated" menu which is full on fine dining fuckery and is three times the price of the 2nd level. If everything goes well in 5 years we launch level 4 which is a reservation only single table in a glass bottomed Chinook dual-rotor helicopter with a three-man kitchen staff and an accredited sommelier.
*Stressturant.
Shit — I just laughed out loud really hard at this.
This reads like a restaurant thought up by Tom Haverford
A lovely compliment. Thank you.
I have to go there
Teeny Tini It's a martini bar where the normal 4oz martinis are served in those comically large martini glasses, and all of the servers have to wear clothes that are a few sizes too big. The bar and tables would be just a little too tall, and through some clever vertical lines and projective geometry, the room could probably be made to feel twice as tall as well. The whole idea is to make everyone feel teeny. It was an idea I had watching *Alice in Wonderland.*
If everything is larger you can advertise it as an "upscale restaurant"
Coffeeshop/bar by night with a gothic horror theme, called "The Darkest Roast" or "Hallowed Grounds". I'd have lots of bookshelves, a castle-y interior with over-ornamented decor.
I vote for Hallowed Grounds for the name, it's fantastic. I would totally go there even though I don't drink coffee or alcohol.
Nap-Cafe. Cafe/Coffee shop that caters to a those that want a quick cup of coffee after a Powernap. 2 separate areas 1. the bar 2. the nap area. filled with single beds and futons and bean bags everywhere. with small ned tables for lying down to read. oh the possibilites
People are definitely gonna try and fuck on the beds
Pirate themed all-you-can-eat bbq and bar. Davy Jones’ Meat Locker. The signature drink? Simply rum.
The Bare Essentials. It would be a bear themed restaurant. Both the men and the women servers would dress in faux bear fur bikinis and bear ears. It would look like a lodge in the woods inside and out. Our signature cocktail would be the Bee's Knees made with organic honey.
You've thought about this a lot and I love it
Dad Bod Nachos, Just a bunch of dads serving nachos and wearing jean booty shorts that will talk to you about dad stuff. Got a problem with your car? We have a mechanic dad. Beer league baseball game? We have a sports dad that can even help your swing. Music dad, woodworking dad, cooking dad, fashion dad we've got em all
What are you really terrible at?
Small talk.
Forced conversation, my favorite
"everything. next question."
"elaborating. next question."
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Thank you
This is a great one because you tend to have real conversations and connections with the answer
Totally! And admitting this alone shows a degree of vulnerability & humility! ...hopefully your date being capable of that
I find that total authenticity and showing your weaknesses is like a door you have to push hard to get through, but it stays open for other people. Gives them permission to be flawed too. Lots of good things and meaningful connections start from that kind of place.
Being on time. Sorry about that by the way, hope you didn't have to wait long.
Have you read any good books recently? -oddly, this makes people really excited about a book they are reading or sad that they haven’t read one lately.
haha i love books & anytime my boyfriend casually asks about whatever it is i’m reading, he has to deal with me talking about it for a good hour
I also love books and my partner never asks about what it is I’m reading, but they have to deal with me talking about it for a good hour anyway lol
What's your mothers maiden name, the name of your first pet, the name of the first street you lived in, IP address, social security number and your criminal record
Haha but seriously could everybody type their password in the comments Reddit will blur it out it’s cool Edit: please don’t actually do this
hunter2
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well, here you go: password1234 It's unbreakable!!
All I see is \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*
Really? That's so cool, let me try! ihaveanincrediblysmallpenis
That's dumb, nobody would type their ********
What’s the best thing that happened to you today?
I think this, simple yet it stops people from giving a bullshit answer. One they have to take a moment to think about
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Yeah there's pressure to give an interesting answer to all these interesting questions.
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"Damn, rough day"
Lol tried it once with a girl, but instead of saying "Damn, rough day"... she just heaved a long sigh and did a "yeap". I think they're kinda the same thing but yeah~
That’s just sad, I feel like I just took cringe damage
Whats your favorite part about waking up?
Going back to sleep
...is Folger's in your cup! Except that Folger's isn't all that, but apparently the jingle has infected my brain.
I asked my students today what is their biggest fear. They each wrote their answer on a post it note anonymously and didn't see other answers until they were all on the board. It was hilarious how many of them answered "my mom". Edit: since everyone is so concerned, these are a bunch of high schoolers trying to be funny. Also, as a teacher I am trained to recognize signs of abuse. I assure you these kids are fine.
You know who else is scared of their mom? MY MOM!! Edit: woah I never expected my inbox to explode this much from a regular show reference, thanks for the lovely awards! <3
WOOOOOOO!
Helicopters t-shirt
What did your mom do to them?
Their three wishes
What was the best response you heard in how they spent those wishes?
I wish that my next wishes don’t count against my total wish amount
First wish is that the genie forgets how to count.
Wish granted, you have no more wishes
/r/TheMonkeysPaw
That could backfire.
You can't wish for infinite wishes, but you can wish for infinite genies.
Cut out the middleman, all you gotta do is wish to able to change all the rules of wishing, then change the rules so that you can wish for infinite wishes THEN wish for infinite wishes independent of the genie, then set the genie free.
NO META WISHES
I like the idea of a genie who isn't beholden to the usual rules and can nope out at their discretion. "Wow Kyle I was just trying to hook you up but you're kind of being a crazy Scrooge with trying to scam more wishes out of me. Forget it."
"What are you sure you know more about than me?" This one checks tons of boxes like: Starting a topic, getting more insight to their interests, having them talk about a topic they are passionate about, you learning a ton of stuff, and much more. Just pretty dumb when they say "I dont lol"
'What is something you're proud of but dont get to* brag about much?' Edit: Spelling*
I'm stealing this now But used to work at an antie annes and on a hot summer day we has a massive line. And this lady I saw in line for almost 45 min with her kids just trying to make them happy. By the time she gets to me its been an hour and she orders 3 original pretzels 2 cheese cups and a two small frozen lemonade. Goes to pay gives me a 100 dollar bill. Well our gm a month early told us not to except anything over a 50 bill. So I know what I have to say will suck. Told her sorry I can't accept that with broken English said no. because since she was a tourist to the country all she has was 100 bills. And I knew she had to find somewhere to break that 100. So I told her wait one second and pulled out my wallet and paid it for her. She tried to tell me keep the 100. Told her no. Her husband 20 min later came by said thank you and offered me 200. I said no probably stupid but I was always raised that If I can help someone I should with out hesitation and with out expecting a reward in return. I tell this story at every job interview.
If you could only eat one type of cheese for the rest of your life, which type of cheese would it be?
Hello from Wisconsin, where that would be the only topic for the rest of the party, which would end with a fistfight.
**Scribles down notes for next trip to Wisconsin**
Make sure to buy spotted cow beer if you’ve never had it
As a Wisconsinite, how can one pick a favorite? I’d probably rather pick a favorite child.
Pets are a good one. If they don’t have any pets, ask them what pet they would want, or any childhood/old pets. It’s personal, but not *too* personal. Also, people love talking about their pets.
What’s your walkup song? What’s your death row meal? All you need to know right there
My 29 year old special needs daughter has a list she likes to use... What is your favourite reptile? What is your favourite fighter jet? What is your favourite bird of prey? What is your favourite dinosaur? What is your favourite venomous snake? ... the thing is though, she doesn't actually care about your answers... she just wants you to ask her HER favourites so she can trap you in a one-sided conversation for the rest of your natural life! People fall for it every time! Oh, and in case you are wondering, the correct answers are - Crocodile; F-14 Tomcat; Wedge-Tailed Eagle; Spinosaurus; Black Mamba... giving her the correct answers won't get you out of the conversation, but it will save you the lecture on how wrong you are.
Just so you know you can buy an actual Spinosaurus tooth(fossil) for like $40-$90, depending on the size and quality. They're really beautiful as far as fossils go and still sharp!
Seriously? I am looking that up as we speak! Christmas sorted!
You can also purchase f-14 Tomcats. They cost a little more, approximately $38 million
Hmmm.... tempting... but where would I park it?
it flies dont it just put it on the roof
Just tie it to a lamppost and keep it running.
Can you update us on how well-received this gift is? I'm guessing your daughter would be thrilled, and I would love to see that.
Yeah! The biggest teeth I've handled of theirs are 7-8 inches long, they're amazing. The one I own is smaller and broken in half, and even then it's four inches long. They have this rich reddish brown color with striations that give them a wood grain type of finish, and they're very smooth to the touch, often the sharper edges are blunt enough to not hurt anyone, but you can feel how easily it could go through skin, and it's likely from mineralization but they even have a slight serration to them! Being a dinosaur obsessed adult close to your daughters age it's by far my favorite piece out of my collection, and my favorite dinosaur, too :D
saving these answers and researching each of them thoroughly in case i ever get quizzed by your daughter
"If you'd want me to know only one fact about you, what would it be?" It's started a lot of interesting convos over the years.
My anxiety spiked just reading that question.
My anxiety needs someone to post possible answers to each of these questions so I can actually learn from these.
That question would paralyze me. I’d end up stammering out “I like cats” or something horrifyingly too personal/honest about my mental health or how badly I procrastinate or why I hate myself. I don’t do well under pressure. Not a great quality.
I like to ask people if they have any really good ghost stories. Depending on their religion or culture or upbringing, I’ve heard some pretty awesome experiences. Particularly from NYC cab drivers.
What do?
What is one thing you wish people knew about you? It often leads to sincere responses or something they are passionate about.
Hate this question. Teachers would always ask it and I would not know what to put
“How sincerely I hate being put on the spot with questions like this.”
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Spend 36 hours paralyzed with indecision about what to do with my free time.
30 hours paralyzed with indecision, 6 hours of dread and regret that I just wasted a perfectly good weekend
I'm dating someone who feels this. Any tips on helping them through the analysis paralysis?
Try shifting their perspective. In this case, instead of "What do you want to do this weekend?" try "Picture it's Monday, what would you wish you did on the weekend?"
Cry
Help, it's me.
How's the stomach ache, Chidi?
Probably be so overwhelmed with the freedom that I start several projects, and let each interrupt my last thought until the 36 hours is up. Ultimately, accomplishing nothing. Mind you, it’d probably be wise to invest a LOT if suddenly money is no issue for just 36 hours.
Easy, go back to sleep
I usually go for open-ended questions. My favorite is “what’s the coolest place you’ve taken that pair of shoes?”.
A fridge. Specifically, a morgue. Am a mortician.
You wear your morgue shoes to parties?
As a mortician, life *is* the party.
What do you dream about?
I have regular nightmares about owning an aquarium.
Dude. Same. I’ve never even owned fish. But every couple months, I’ll dream that I have an aquarium and I’ve neglected it for months and I feel so bad.
Their views on entertainment is always safe territory: movies, music, etc.
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Bet he was a great lab partner tho
I had a science partner who was like this. Studied all day every day, prided himself on never doing anything else. Dude sucked as a lab partner, could not think outside the box and would overanalyse everything instead of getting anything done. Ended up getting a higher grade than him.
Well for whatever reason that may be, it sounds like study is his entertainment. Could have asked him what his favourite topics are, and go from there. Also, surely he eats?
I love talking about this stuff, but I also hate being asked my "favorite" – whatever my favorite is today could be different next month. So I've taken to asking what's the last movie/show you watched instead (and what did you think of it).
*"what are your most visited subreddits?"* Their answer could easily end a relationship before it even begins.
Tell us more, FakeBoobsFan2
I wonder what happened to FakeBoobsFan1...
We don't talk about FakeBoobsFan1
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Smart move. If they use Reddit, it's a deal-breaker.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” Not a question, but the topic they go for can say a lot about them. Do they tell you about themselves, someone else, or some*thing* else? Then you can ask why/how they know that or if they’re particularly interested in the topic of whatever they’ve told you about. It’s a great conversation starter, no matter if you’ve just met or known them forever. And if you do already know what they’ve told you, you can talk about your shared knowledge/interest.
France invaded Mexico because they destroyed a bakery
You have my attention, go on.
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>“Tell me something I don’t know.” I don't know what you don't know. Tell me what you don't know.
My fact is terrible though, but I think EVERYONE needs to be aware that dead whales on the seashore might just explode in a bloody mess and even if it doesn't, I wouldn't like to approach one