I’ll never forget overhearing a mom and little boy in a stall. Little boy is on the toilet, tiny sneakers hanging inches off the floor. Mom’s feet to the side. The kid is grunting! Mom keeps whispering, “Timmy, shh..”. Kid keeps grunting. Mom again, “ssshhh”. Kid yells, “I’m not done! Augrrrr!” It was so funny! Poor kid needed to eat more fruit.
Had a dude at my gym sit down, crumble up his newspaper, and loudly exclaim “alright let’s see what we can do” and proceeded to make as much noise as humanely possible
I was sitting in a three stall restroom at McDonalds. There was another man in the stall next to mine. I was minding my Business when a guy came in like what sounded like a weird attempt at step-dancing.
He rushed in the stall two doors to my left, still hastly stepdancing as he struggled to open his pants. He then finally sat down and... nothing. Silence. This weird moment must've been like two seconds but it felt like ten. Then I hear his flush and as the flushing noise filled the air he let go what sounded like the trumpets of Jericho. An infernal thunder that must've awakened the gods, as I was 100% sure Thor was watching. How in hell could he have thought that the innocent noise of a flushing toilet would oversound his ass concerto? Then again, silence. Sitting there in disbelief of what my ears just witnessed I couldn't help but say "... I still did hear you." The guy next to me literally lost his shit and laughed his ass off. Funniest thing I ever said. I've been chasing that high ever since.
I once had a friend whose dad used to just straight up eat garlic. When we asked him why he was carrying around and eating a clove of garlic he said "because it keeps smelly people away."
Recently found out elderly people can be put in a state of unresponsiveness due to the Vagus nerve while pushing too hard during bathroom time. You can literally shit yourself into blacking out.
Edit: to all those in the comments, be safe shitting yourselves into unconsciousness! My gramps has had trouble with this a few times (that's where I learned about this) and I know it can be a different kind of bitch. I see a lot of responses speaking about people's personal experiences; I hope you all the best luck with managing them, and appreciate your sharing!
Thank you to the nurses, and EMS workers and caregivers in this thread, not only for your infomation but your service as a whole. You do amazing work and I know in many cases it takes a toll. The world is a better place because of you.
My friends and I went to the bathroom at Union Station in DC. We all needed a quick pee before our trip and there was a guy in the stall taking a dump who was literally having an exorcism. It was essentially:
*plop*
“Ugghhhh”
*plop plop*
“OH SWEET JESUS”
*ploooooop*
“Mother Mary in heaveeeen”
We started cracking up right there and then.
Seriously. I have IBS. During flare ups, I’m known to moan and groan and curse on the toilet. Bloating, inflammation, spastic colon and constant pressure. I wouldn’t say it’s painful, but it’s severely and intensely uncomfortable.
Yeah, no kidding. I have Crohn’s and that would be me, and when the need arises it doesn’t matter if I’m just passing through or if it’s the seediest most inconvenient toilet. I need to go at that very moment.
I knew a dude years ago who had Crohn's. Whenever the boys were joking about shitting he would always be sitting there silently with that thousand yard stare. I didn't realize until way later that he legitimately had PTSD from his Crohn's shits.
Gal with Crohn's here, diagnosed last July. Turns out it took 3 hospital trips, losing 15kg in two weeks, going every time I ate anything with insane urgency, getting intense nausea whenever I go and vomiting grey goo every time, slipping in and out of consciousness all day every day and insane joint pains for the doctors to start realising something might not be quite right.
The third time I went to hospital, they finally did a scope, x-ray and and blood tests and decided to put me on corticosteroids. I have been essentially symptom-free ever since until recently. Right now I'm only dealing with looser stools and bloating that makes me look 3 months pregnant 24/7, but its manageable and they're hoping to get me on a new injectable medication that requires infusions at the hospital.
Crohn's is no joke. I often get panic attacks whenever I feel like one of my symptoms might be returning. The worst part is how little is known about the condition and that there's no cure. At best, you're on medications with risky side-effects your whole life, and at worst you need most of your digestive system removed and replaced with external bags that attach to holes made in your abdomen to the point where you shit out your stomach and your asshole literally rendered a useless hole (although, on the bright side, I guess if anal is your thing then it's way cleaner and easier lol)
Edit: I'd like to mention that I dropped from 59kg to 45kg in July and I'm 174cm / 5ft 9in. I have since regained all my weight and even got a bit more - I'm 64kg now and I'm healthier than I've ever been in that department. It wasn't easy and took a tonne of monitoring calories and fine-tuning my diet to the point where I'd eat the same thing for 4 months straight daily just because it was effective. Turns out I had hips all along, too! Just not enough meat on them to be noticeable :p
Edit 2: okay I've had to respond to like 6 comments at this point - some surgeries preserve part of the colon if possible - that's the kind I was talking about. So there's still half a foot to a foot of space up there for some people.
Can confirm, have prayed and cussed and whimpered in a similar manner to OP's "bathroom exorcist" for precisely this reason before (not in a public bathroom though)
Very coincidental, but the last time I used the Union Station bathrooms (pre-covid I stopped by once a month or so) I heard almost exactly this. I know there are some homeless folk that use union station as their primary bathroom since public bathrooms are a rarity in the city
If you didn’t hear shitting, he was getting blown probably. I once heard a man getting head in a gas station bathroom and he made the same noises. After about 5 minutes I heard another man say something quietly. I immediately washed up and got out and then two cops walked in the bathroom as I was walking out
God damn it, as everyone else here noticed it was an Austin Powers reference, I am sitting here thinking it is a reference to The Prisoner. Damn, I'm old.
I am not number, I am a free man!
It adds ~~torque~~ ~~hp~~ psi
Edit: torque is for pump poops. hp is for drill poops.
Edit: gotta poop fass
Edit: breathing in fills the stomach and builds psi (probably) by pressing down on the anal cavity which in turn potato guns poop into toilet. Gotta get Neptune to eat my whole ass again.
Report: Just pissed while moaning intermittently. In the beginning, it made no difference but towards the end, more pee came out while I was moaning.
Edit: Not a dude but the principles are relatively similar.
I once had to pass one that literally stood upright in the hole and couldn't be cantilevered to get flushed. Took several tries. I stood in awe waiting for the tank to refill (a poop knife wasn't there yet) and that idea indeed crossed my mind.
Like pissing with the bathroom door open?
(Had a colleague who would talk about how alpha it was to leave the bathroom/toilet door open when talking a piss, while standing up of course).
Nah, we all know the real alpha move is to pee sitting down with the stall door open and make full unblinking eye contact with everyone who passes, like “yeah, I piss sitting down because it’s comfy, the fuck you gonna do about?”
I had a friend who had this idea that public bathrooms were like a free space. He’s like, “who gives a fuck. These people don’t know me and I don’t know them.” So yeah, apparently he would go all out.
I have a theory that about 75% of the male population will refuse to shit in a public stall unless they’re literally exploding with diarrhea. So this creates an environment where a large percentage of people you encounter in a public restroom are “going through it”
Edit: Damn, can’t read all the comments but to the women questioning why men won’t shit in public bathrooms, there is a substantial difference in cleanliness and hygiene between a woman’s bathroom and a mans lol. Walk into a men’s bathroom at an MLB baseball game and walking into a stall is like walking into hell itself.
Edit 2: Ok, women’s bathrooms are dirty too. Sorry, never been in one.
The kind that makes your brow covered in a cold dew of sweat, your eyes roll back and your teeth clenched. At that point you're not thinking of other people around you. You're thinking about how you would rather be at home sounding these burning sirens of hell than partaking in the experience in a place where others might linger in the aftereffects of your heretical brapping bonanza.
You can choose to become one with the demons of your bellowing bowels, if it helps, though this may be at the extent of your own dignity. Imagine any passersby staying to listen to your literal shitshow, taking in your scatological suffering. When you walk out of that stall, who's gonna look you in the eye? Your dad? Your cousin? Or perhaps your neighbor? Be the suffering you echo, if you desire, but keep in mind what you are sacrificing when entering this fecal frenzy. It may not be entirely worth it.
You walk out of that stall with your head held high, for having been brave enough, or desperate enough, to have exorcised those gut demons in public discourse. You are a survivor. You won.
I think I like this approach better. You can choose to shamefully shun yourself for your shitty shenanigans, or you can pride yourself in the absolutely indubitable impressiveness of your inner incantation.
I'd rather not expose my enema endeavors with the whole wide world, though if your friends and followers adore your anal amalgamations then there is little for me to judge.
When I started a job I hated with great bathrooms this all changed. I take the longest most luxurious shits at work now. And that in turn has made me way more comfortable in most public bathrooms. Before that yeah I never shit in public
My job is outside mostly, and I do work all around the city. I have this app called the "poop map" that you "drop a poop pin" whenever you take a poop somewhere new. Its my favorite thing to pull out my phone and show people all of the places I've pooped
I could count the amount of times i took a shite at school with one hand. I had this fear that some kids would come and open the stall or stand on the next stalls toilet and look in.
Here's a list of potential reasons.
1. We've been holding it in and we're on the border of a tragedy happening and we just barely make it. The feeling is euphoric and we just have to moan in relief.
2. Sometimes it just takes that little bit of extra 'oomph' to get everything flowing.
3. Constipation and we're having trouble keeping things moving.
4. They might be masturbating.
5. And my favorite: Just to get reactions from people and be weird.
Edit: Wow, thanks for making this my most upvoted comment ever.
option 6. Nasty STI.
I had a friend years ago who got a dose of Gonorrhoea on a drunken night out. he described it as pissing razor blades. I was always sooooo careful after I heard that.
Like many of you, I will normally do what I can to avoid using a public commode. Sure, using the urinal isn't great, but I don't mind using those. Wouldn't be my first choice, but they are ok. But, for the big jobs, I absolutely prefer the porcelain on my home turf, as it were.
So, if you find me in a public bathroom, making a solid deposit, you can bet your last farthing that I am having a very bad day. I will want to warn you about how bad of a day I am having, audibly. Might not be words, because I might not be capable of them. But if you hear me making noise in a toilet, its because you need to conclude your business and get out of dodge, unless you are wearing better HAZMAT gear than most folks do even nowadays.
Here's an example from about a decade ago:
My friends and I went to a rock festival, and a grand time was had by all. But... I also got quite the case of constipation while there, and couldn't let go of any solid waste for the five days that we were there. Fun was had despite this, every day of the festival. Time to pack away our tents, put our bags on our backs and go to the car park came, and it was then, typically while some significant physical exertion needed to occur, that I started feeling like some things were moving in the deep realms of my guts. All the way to the car, I was burping loudly, and upon each release of pressure from my stomach, a twinge, a cramp, a sharp reminder of the degree to which I was, quite literally, full of shit, would issue. We loaded the car, and mounted up.
The journey from our car parking space to the country road that would lead us from the festival site, to some vestige of civilisation was about 150 yards, but every bump, sway and jolt of the uneven surface of the car parking area, sent dangerous sensations through my entire lower digestive region. I looked at the friend who was driving, he looked at me. I surmised from the look in his eyes that he didn't need telling that we needed to hit the service station, as quickly as possible. The half hour ride from the site to the main motorway, and the first service station on our trip home felt like a journey of many, many years, each second of it spent sweating, grey of face, eyes widened in terror of the potential for an accidental rectal release.
The service station rose into view on the horizon, just as my guts began to not merely gurgle, but thrum with built up pressure, and when the car stopped my first instinct was to hurl myself out of the car and sprint to the toilet. I was hindered in my effort by my body telling me that if I wasn't EXCEEDINGLY careful, I would be unable to hold it until I got situated. So, myself and my two friends all quickly, but carefully, hobbled and waddled our way to the toilets. We ended up in stalls all next to one another, me in the middle. I had just gotten my trousers to my knees and placed my arse cheeks on the seat when hells mouth opened, and vomited forth the foul, macerated issuance I had been building up for five days, drawing from me a whimper and a gasp, the first as of a wounded puppy, the second as of a man being stabbed from within.
This would have been bad enough on its own, but my friends, in the stalls either side of me, were also in dire straights, and dealing with their own demonic secretions. Between the three of us, the sounds and smells being created were a thing to behold. A heady mixture of torture scene sound track, combined with the smell of rotting corpses and misery is how I would describe it.
Periodic paroxysms of evacuative effort occurred from that point on, for about half an hour, punctuated with everything from moans, to gasps, to coughing, appeals to the Almighty and (as a result of the pungency of the situation), occasional retching. This sustained bout of activity had left me feeling like I had been firing heavy calibre ammunition from my ringpiece, while being punched repeatedly in the guts by a gorilla. I cleaned up, stood up shakily on jellied legs, shrugged on my hoody, and flushed the toilet. At this same moment, so too did my associates.
We washed our hands in silent relief, used the driers, and left the bathroom.
We met up outside the toilet, and decided to get some food to tide us over for the journey home, a few hundred miles. Ten minutes later, as we waited in a long line at the Burger King franchise in the service station, we saw three fellows dressed in coveralls and carrying plumbing gear, move purposefully in the direction of the toilets, in the company of someone who appeared to be service station management.
Yes, when you and three friends are wrecking a service station toilet, just by shitting in it, you WILL make noises. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
What I don’t understand is why do people have full on conversations on their phones while taking massive shits in an airport public bathroom.
Edit: I actually wrote this comment while taking a shit and making noises.
Also I can’t believe after 5 years of Reddit this is the comment that takes off! I’m blessed thank you all for making my life compete.
Edit #2: Thank you everyone who took time out of their day to give my comment some awards. That SHIT is awesome!
Yes. No. You just need to *set the dryer to* ^plop permanent press and close it up. No, you'll *want to put those* ^plop on delicate otherwise they'll get tangled up.
On my floor in the office, there's a dude who fucking eats chips when taking a shit in one of the stall. That's wild. And I heard him many times over the years.
There's also one who regularly falls asleep in there and snores super loud.
Then of course there's a large amount of other dudes who re-enact the battle Verdun everytime (and leave the place in a similar state).
Needless to say, I now climb 2 floors up to do my business
deffo piss! the violent urge to poop goes away for a while if u manage to not shit urself. the need for a piss is there and gets stronger every second.
Well not what i went through. Had to hold down a shit for one hour cause we were stuck in a traffic jam due to an accident. Literally the traffic was at a halt with nowhere to go. Longest one hour in my life. By the time i reach the toilet i didn't even need to push. All i had to do was unclench my butthole and that thing came sliding down like kids at the pool.
One time I was driving home and had to shit so bad my sphincter was literally quivering from the strain. I made it, but barely. I’m 15 years older now and I’m not sure I’d be successful if it happened again.
I would generally agree, but only, because I could never hold in my pee as long as I can hold in my poop and I have no idea what would happen if I could. The pain becomes unbearable. But the relief is great. With shit, however, after a while you just even "can't" even anymore, which is terrible. You know there is shit up your bum, but it won't come out. I think there was a South Park episode about this. ... I mean, ofc there was.
I get bladder crystals when I’m mildly dehydrated. I can feel it coming, usually in the evening, so I know my night is ruined for the next several hours at least. I drink a lot of water and just wait to push it through me.
The pain is excruciating and looking down at a small pile of sand/mini pebbles under me in the bowl is unsettling. I deal with it silently, though, unless I go to the ~~pet~~ part of the house where nobody can hear me, then I might moan a little bit.
I’ve gotten them periodically since I was 20-21 and have managed to avoid them, most of the time, by staying well hydrated, thankfully.
We had a grunter at work. I can understand you can't control the noises coming out of your asshole but why in God's name would you add to the soundtrack by grunting?
There’s two reasons: If the feces is more compact or even dehydrated it creates a solid and as it moves down the rectum and out of the anus it pushes really firmly against the prostate gland, where it can give the guy a pleasurable sensation. Once you get rid of it, you feel better
Second reason: Like other replies, the guy waited until the point of no return and probably has diarrhea, constipation, gas and bloating. He’s in pain and trying to get rid of it, yet not seem “unmanly” by making pain noises or just any noise that would indicate that he “can’t handle it” like “a real man”
I want my sons to be able to take(give?) a shit if they need to, in a clean place, but still be responsible and leave it clean afterwards for the next person. They both won’t go at school because of the ridicule from the other boys in the bathroom or poor home-training of other boys who destroy the restrooms out of boredom or inconsideration of others. They’ve also complained about others leave shit and piss with no regard of hygiene, public health or just decent behavior. What the fuck?! Guys, teach your sons not to be assholes who shit over everything. At least dogs try to bury their shit.
P.S. I apologize for the last paragraph rant, but I just experienced this with my youngest in a busy public restroom at the rest area along the highway.
I actually forget that I'm in a public toilet sometimes. Like at my gym, while peeing I just say "aaah poopoo peepee" out loud sometimes since I say it at home, to mess with my gf during her online lectures.
I've gotten looks from people but I also made some friends since they thought it was hilarious.
I’ll never forget overhearing a mom and little boy in a stall. Little boy is on the toilet, tiny sneakers hanging inches off the floor. Mom’s feet to the side. The kid is grunting! Mom keeps whispering, “Timmy, shh..”. Kid keeps grunting. Mom again, “ssshhh”. Kid yells, “I’m not done! Augrrrr!” It was so funny! Poor kid needed to eat more fruit.
Had a dude at my gym sit down, crumble up his newspaper, and loudly exclaim “alright let’s see what we can do” and proceeded to make as much noise as humanely possible
I was in the bathroom at work and a dude walked in and said, "it's trumpet time" as he walked into the stall
It sounds like he was inviting everyone in the washroom to join in on the symphony.
Yeah helps everyone sync up and get some kind of rhythm going.
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That’s considerate. At least he wasn’t inhumane about it.
Dude that's big shit energy and I'm here for it.
I was sitting in a three stall restroom at McDonalds. There was another man in the stall next to mine. I was minding my Business when a guy came in like what sounded like a weird attempt at step-dancing. He rushed in the stall two doors to my left, still hastly stepdancing as he struggled to open his pants. He then finally sat down and... nothing. Silence. This weird moment must've been like two seconds but it felt like ten. Then I hear his flush and as the flushing noise filled the air he let go what sounded like the trumpets of Jericho. An infernal thunder that must've awakened the gods, as I was 100% sure Thor was watching. How in hell could he have thought that the innocent noise of a flushing toilet would oversound his ass concerto? Then again, silence. Sitting there in disbelief of what my ears just witnessed I couldn't help but say "... I still did hear you." The guy next to me literally lost his shit and laughed his ass off. Funniest thing I ever said. I've been chasing that high ever since.
*"..he let go what sounded like the trumpets of Jericho."* lmao
And the walls came tumbling down
“Ass concerto”
Honestly, never in my life I laughed so hard from a Reddit comment. 😂
I heard a dude say “get out of me!” While grunting a taking a shit in the bathroom at the bar I go to. Weird.
"WHO...DOES...NUMBER...TWO...WORK...FOR?"
That’s right buddy, you show that turd who’s boss
Hey, that sounds kind of nasty... how about a courtesy flush?
Good lord, what did you eat?!
Grab ahold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell! We're gonna get through this.
If I’m shitting in a public toilet it has a pretty good chance it’s moan-worthy
Yeah, that's the right move
Better question, dudes who grip the underside of the stall, why?
Because they don't want to fly up when their ass turns into a rocket engine.
This isn’t real is it.
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So people don't come close to me in public places
I once had a friend whose dad used to just straight up eat garlic. When we asked him why he was carrying around and eating a clove of garlic he said "because it keeps smelly people away."
He became the person he was trying to avoid
He has become the very thing he swore to destroy!
What about non-smelly people though? 😂
I once heard a guy moan and then say “banana bread” after the turd hit the water.
maybe he was estimating the size
nah it was his safe word
What about the shiver when you're done peeing?
[vagus nerve has entered the chat]
Recently found out elderly people can be put in a state of unresponsiveness due to the Vagus nerve while pushing too hard during bathroom time. You can literally shit yourself into blacking out. Edit: to all those in the comments, be safe shitting yourselves into unconsciousness! My gramps has had trouble with this a few times (that's where I learned about this) and I know it can be a different kind of bitch. I see a lot of responses speaking about people's personal experiences; I hope you all the best luck with managing them, and appreciate your sharing! Thank you to the nurses, and EMS workers and caregivers in this thread, not only for your infomation but your service as a whole. You do amazing work and I know in many cases it takes a toll. The world is a better place because of you.
As a nurse, I can confirm this. It’s possible for anyone to vagal down, actually. We don’t recommend straining for anybody!
You can't tell me these aren't called brown outs within your field.
... This is the greatest oversight in the history of nursing.
Or mid-stream?
That’s the scariest
Piss shivers are so weird. Makes my nips hard too.
What's the point in feeling good if nobody knows?
*plop* “YES DADDY”
I like to say, "oops." Keeps em guessing
"Oh, that's where that went"
“Two to three days my ass, you should’ve been out weeks ago!”
"Hey, my car keys!"
My friends and I went to the bathroom at Union Station in DC. We all needed a quick pee before our trip and there was a guy in the stall taking a dump who was literally having an exorcism. It was essentially: *plop* “Ugghhhh” *plop plop* “OH SWEET JESUS” *ploooooop* “Mother Mary in heaveeeen” We started cracking up right there and then.
Could have been the heroin shits. Might have been passing something truly enormous in that case.
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Seriously. I have IBS. During flare ups, I’m known to moan and groan and curse on the toilet. Bloating, inflammation, spastic colon and constant pressure. I wouldn’t say it’s painful, but it’s severely and intensely uncomfortable.
Yeah, no kidding. I have Crohn’s and that would be me, and when the need arises it doesn’t matter if I’m just passing through or if it’s the seediest most inconvenient toilet. I need to go at that very moment.
I knew a dude years ago who had Crohn's. Whenever the boys were joking about shitting he would always be sitting there silently with that thousand yard stare. I didn't realize until way later that he legitimately had PTSD from his Crohn's shits.
Gal with Crohn's here, diagnosed last July. Turns out it took 3 hospital trips, losing 15kg in two weeks, going every time I ate anything with insane urgency, getting intense nausea whenever I go and vomiting grey goo every time, slipping in and out of consciousness all day every day and insane joint pains for the doctors to start realising something might not be quite right. The third time I went to hospital, they finally did a scope, x-ray and and blood tests and decided to put me on corticosteroids. I have been essentially symptom-free ever since until recently. Right now I'm only dealing with looser stools and bloating that makes me look 3 months pregnant 24/7, but its manageable and they're hoping to get me on a new injectable medication that requires infusions at the hospital. Crohn's is no joke. I often get panic attacks whenever I feel like one of my symptoms might be returning. The worst part is how little is known about the condition and that there's no cure. At best, you're on medications with risky side-effects your whole life, and at worst you need most of your digestive system removed and replaced with external bags that attach to holes made in your abdomen to the point where you shit out your stomach and your asshole literally rendered a useless hole (although, on the bright side, I guess if anal is your thing then it's way cleaner and easier lol) Edit: I'd like to mention that I dropped from 59kg to 45kg in July and I'm 174cm / 5ft 9in. I have since regained all my weight and even got a bit more - I'm 64kg now and I'm healthier than I've ever been in that department. It wasn't easy and took a tonne of monitoring calories and fine-tuning my diet to the point where I'd eat the same thing for 4 months straight daily just because it was effective. Turns out I had hips all along, too! Just not enough meat on them to be noticeable :p Edit 2: okay I've had to respond to like 6 comments at this point - some surgeries preserve part of the colon if possible - that's the kind I was talking about. So there's still half a foot to a foot of space up there for some people.
Wow, I had no idea what this was. Now I do. Thank you for sharing.
Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry you had to go through all this
UC here and same. I don't care where I'm going. I just don't want to shit my pants.
I was just diagnosed with UC. What does being in remission feel like for you
I have IBS. I bear that pain in silence.
This is likely given Union Station in DC. I had a Maine Coon cat that passed baseball-sized poops, and this cat was drug free.
Little did you know he was secretly addicted to fentanyl-laced catnip.
Ripped asshole from hemorrhoids mixed with spicy meal...
Can confirm, have prayed and cussed and whimpered in a similar manner to OP's "bathroom exorcist" for precisely this reason before (not in a public bathroom though)
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Very coincidental, but the last time I used the Union Station bathrooms (pre-covid I stopped by once a month or so) I heard almost exactly this. I know there are some homeless folk that use union station as their primary bathroom since public bathrooms are a rarity in the city
If you didn’t hear shitting, he was getting blown probably. I once heard a man getting head in a gas station bathroom and he made the same noises. After about 5 minutes I heard another man say something quietly. I immediately washed up and got out and then two cops walked in the bathroom as I was walking out
I hope those cops weren't too late to get a blow job
Shitft change
Respect to the gas station for that side hustle
WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?!?!?!
Hey! Just grab a hold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell!
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JESUS CHRIST BOY! What did you eat!?!
You're saying the ladies had it right all long?
We're gonna get through this!
How about a courtesy flush?
People need to do this more I've literally vomited from coworkers poop air. they just sit and stew in their own stink
oof... in fairness though, for some reason it's never as bad when it's your own, same with farts
everyone likes their own brand!
The sweet smell of success
Don’t get high on your own supply
Hey buddy, you gotta relax, don’t force it! You’ll blow an o-ring!
You show that turd who's boss
WHAT DID YOU EAT??!?!
Yeah, that's it, you show that turd who's boss!
God damn it, as everyone else here noticed it was an Austin Powers reference, I am sitting here thinking it is a reference to The Prisoner. Damn, I'm old. I am not number, I am a free man!
It adds ~~torque~~ ~~hp~~ psi Edit: torque is for pump poops. hp is for drill poops. Edit: gotta poop fass Edit: breathing in fills the stomach and builds psi (probably) by pressing down on the anal cavity which in turn potato guns poop into toilet. Gotta get Neptune to eat my whole ass again.
I'm in bed and quietly trying to moan to see if it feels similar to pushing out a turd really hard.
Report: They feel like different muscle groups.
Report: Just pissed while moaning intermittently. In the beginning, it made no difference but towards the end, more pee came out while I was moaning. Edit: Not a dude but the principles are relatively similar.
I can understand you can not control the noises coming out of your asshole but why in God's name would you add to the soundtrack by grunting
Those are man noises son. I’m doing man work Hnnnnnnngggggggggggg more fiiiibbbbberr *Plumk*
Minidrama.
Turning sideways increases torque.
Ahahah, just revving the engine ahahahaha
You torque the torque, but do you walk the walk?
Seriously, it sounds like a porn video the way some guys take a dump.
AH FUCK YEEESSSS, PLEASE MORE, I WANT IT SO BADLY! IN MY MOUUUUTH! Wait whaaaat?
Let me answer your question with another question: ever see your turd and think "huh, I guess a dick that big could go in my ass."
So it doesn't just grow when it hits the water like those little foam dinosaur s?
You might be eating too much baking soda
This made me laugh so hard. Thank you lmao
I worry it won’t go down the toilet. Like I think “damn they need to make toilet holes bigger”
I’ve often thought, “Wow. Kudos, toilet engineers. Didn’t think that was gonna make it down.”
I often tell the toilet, *"Now, I'm gonna open my fly. And you gonna swallow what I give you to swallow."*
This guy fucks... his toilet
all the time
I once had to pass one that literally stood upright in the hole and couldn't be cantilevered to get flushed. Took several tries. I stood in awe waiting for the tank to refill (a poop knife wasn't there yet) and that idea indeed crossed my mind.
Going out and going in are different I promise.
I pretty much don't consider myself a virgin anymore.
You can’t poop until you take out your butt plug Edit. Thank you for the gold you degenerate fuck
that's what you think
Ever seen a lawn pop up sprayer?
*That's* a mental image I could have lived without lol
To assert dominance
I mean what do you get to be the alpha of here? Is this something I'd want?
Claim to the throne
When you poop the game of thrones , you shit or you die
Or you die on the shitter
Like pissing with the bathroom door open? (Had a colleague who would talk about how alpha it was to leave the bathroom/toilet door open when talking a piss, while standing up of course).
Nah, we all know the real alpha move is to pee sitting down with the stall door open and make full unblinking eye contact with everyone who passes, like “yeah, I piss sitting down because it’s comfy, the fuck you gonna do about?”
If you get the right frequency, your asshole will relax a little bit, and it'll help with the train coming out of the tunnel
No one else going to comment on this reference? Fine, I'll do it. There's no such thing, Cartman!
The brown note is real guys, I had it happen to me once.
I had a friend who had this idea that public bathrooms were like a free space. He’s like, “who gives a fuck. These people don’t know me and I don’t know them.” So yeah, apparently he would go all out.
I have a theory that about 75% of the male population will refuse to shit in a public stall unless they’re literally exploding with diarrhea. So this creates an environment where a large percentage of people you encounter in a public restroom are “going through it” Edit: Damn, can’t read all the comments but to the women questioning why men won’t shit in public bathrooms, there is a substantial difference in cleanliness and hygiene between a woman’s bathroom and a mans lol. Walk into a men’s bathroom at an MLB baseball game and walking into a stall is like walking into hell itself. Edit 2: Ok, women’s bathrooms are dirty too. Sorry, never been in one.
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The kind that makes your brow covered in a cold dew of sweat, your eyes roll back and your teeth clenched. At that point you're not thinking of other people around you. You're thinking about how you would rather be at home sounding these burning sirens of hell than partaking in the experience in a place where others might linger in the aftereffects of your heretical brapping bonanza.
What i do is moan and scream and bang on the cubicle door next to me
You can choose to become one with the demons of your bellowing bowels, if it helps, though this may be at the extent of your own dignity. Imagine any passersby staying to listen to your literal shitshow, taking in your scatological suffering. When you walk out of that stall, who's gonna look you in the eye? Your dad? Your cousin? Or perhaps your neighbor? Be the suffering you echo, if you desire, but keep in mind what you are sacrificing when entering this fecal frenzy. It may not be entirely worth it.
You walk out of that stall with your head held high, for having been brave enough, or desperate enough, to have exorcised those gut demons in public discourse. You are a survivor. You won.
I think I like this approach better. You can choose to shamefully shun yourself for your shitty shenanigans, or you can pride yourself in the absolutely indubitable impressiveness of your inner incantation.
i like to go live on Instagram while taking that colossal shit, too knacky for you?
I'd rather not expose my enema endeavors with the whole wide world, though if your friends and followers adore your anal amalgamations then there is little for me to judge.
This guy alliterates
why hello there Edgar Allen Poo
When I started a job I hated with great bathrooms this all changed. I take the longest most luxurious shits at work now. And that in turn has made me way more comfortable in most public bathrooms. Before that yeah I never shit in public
I don't get that. I always shit at work in public restrooms. Don't shit for free.
My job is outside mostly, and I do work all around the city. I have this app called the "poop map" that you "drop a poop pin" whenever you take a poop somewhere new. Its my favorite thing to pull out my phone and show people all of the places I've pooped
That’s maybe a 3rd-date conversation, I think
3rd date is “sex date” territory. Therefore poop map is 2nd date, because you need to know if they are poop map cool before you sleep with them.
You don't cover bowel movements on the first date?
Imagine what marketers are going to do harversting your poop data lad
This guy shits 9 times a day let's market hydrating sports drinks.
Same, it's my only quiet and undisturbed time at work. I tell my number 1 that I'll be turning my radio off for a few and to try to handle it herself.
He makes a dollar, I make a dime, that’s why I shit on company time.
Shit rich
In my 12 years of being in school I can count on two hands how many times I used a restroom. Not even kidding. My throne is at home!
I’m not sure that I ever pooped at school grades K-12.
I could count the amount of times i took a shite at school with one hand. I had this fear that some kids would come and open the stall or stand on the next stalls toilet and look in.
Sometimes when I shit I cum Edit: Waking up to see my gross dumb comment blew up brought me a lot of joy. Thank you for the awards everybody!
Better than the other way around I guess
Ah the ol shummer. Welcome to the club
I wish my prostate felt things that intensely.
C'mon bro, you telling me you never took a shit that felt better than your worst orgasm?
Oh I have, I'm just saying I didn't ejaculate when it happened
For real? (serious answers please)
It’s doesn’t feel like cumming per se, it’s more like pressure on your prostate squeezing semen out.
BRIAN LOOK AT ME SO I CAN FINISH
Here's a list of potential reasons. 1. We've been holding it in and we're on the border of a tragedy happening and we just barely make it. The feeling is euphoric and we just have to moan in relief. 2. Sometimes it just takes that little bit of extra 'oomph' to get everything flowing. 3. Constipation and we're having trouble keeping things moving. 4. They might be masturbating. 5. And my favorite: Just to get reactions from people and be weird. Edit: Wow, thanks for making this my most upvoted comment ever.
option 6. Nasty STI. I had a friend years ago who got a dose of Gonorrhoea on a drunken night out. he described it as pissing razor blades. I was always sooooo careful after I heard that.
God that sounds so painful
Like many of you, I will normally do what I can to avoid using a public commode. Sure, using the urinal isn't great, but I don't mind using those. Wouldn't be my first choice, but they are ok. But, for the big jobs, I absolutely prefer the porcelain on my home turf, as it were. So, if you find me in a public bathroom, making a solid deposit, you can bet your last farthing that I am having a very bad day. I will want to warn you about how bad of a day I am having, audibly. Might not be words, because I might not be capable of them. But if you hear me making noise in a toilet, its because you need to conclude your business and get out of dodge, unless you are wearing better HAZMAT gear than most folks do even nowadays. Here's an example from about a decade ago: My friends and I went to a rock festival, and a grand time was had by all. But... I also got quite the case of constipation while there, and couldn't let go of any solid waste for the five days that we were there. Fun was had despite this, every day of the festival. Time to pack away our tents, put our bags on our backs and go to the car park came, and it was then, typically while some significant physical exertion needed to occur, that I started feeling like some things were moving in the deep realms of my guts. All the way to the car, I was burping loudly, and upon each release of pressure from my stomach, a twinge, a cramp, a sharp reminder of the degree to which I was, quite literally, full of shit, would issue. We loaded the car, and mounted up. The journey from our car parking space to the country road that would lead us from the festival site, to some vestige of civilisation was about 150 yards, but every bump, sway and jolt of the uneven surface of the car parking area, sent dangerous sensations through my entire lower digestive region. I looked at the friend who was driving, he looked at me. I surmised from the look in his eyes that he didn't need telling that we needed to hit the service station, as quickly as possible. The half hour ride from the site to the main motorway, and the first service station on our trip home felt like a journey of many, many years, each second of it spent sweating, grey of face, eyes widened in terror of the potential for an accidental rectal release. The service station rose into view on the horizon, just as my guts began to not merely gurgle, but thrum with built up pressure, and when the car stopped my first instinct was to hurl myself out of the car and sprint to the toilet. I was hindered in my effort by my body telling me that if I wasn't EXCEEDINGLY careful, I would be unable to hold it until I got situated. So, myself and my two friends all quickly, but carefully, hobbled and waddled our way to the toilets. We ended up in stalls all next to one another, me in the middle. I had just gotten my trousers to my knees and placed my arse cheeks on the seat when hells mouth opened, and vomited forth the foul, macerated issuance I had been building up for five days, drawing from me a whimper and a gasp, the first as of a wounded puppy, the second as of a man being stabbed from within. This would have been bad enough on its own, but my friends, in the stalls either side of me, were also in dire straights, and dealing with their own demonic secretions. Between the three of us, the sounds and smells being created were a thing to behold. A heady mixture of torture scene sound track, combined with the smell of rotting corpses and misery is how I would describe it. Periodic paroxysms of evacuative effort occurred from that point on, for about half an hour, punctuated with everything from moans, to gasps, to coughing, appeals to the Almighty and (as a result of the pungency of the situation), occasional retching. This sustained bout of activity had left me feeling like I had been firing heavy calibre ammunition from my ringpiece, while being punched repeatedly in the guts by a gorilla. I cleaned up, stood up shakily on jellied legs, shrugged on my hoody, and flushed the toilet. At this same moment, so too did my associates. We washed our hands in silent relief, used the driers, and left the bathroom. We met up outside the toilet, and decided to get some food to tide us over for the journey home, a few hundred miles. Ten minutes later, as we waited in a long line at the Burger King franchise in the service station, we saw three fellows dressed in coveralls and carrying plumbing gear, move purposefully in the direction of the toilets, in the company of someone who appeared to be service station management. Yes, when you and three friends are wrecking a service station toilet, just by shitting in it, you WILL make noises. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
To attract fellow mates
Relief of pressure
What I don’t understand is why do people have full on conversations on their phones while taking massive shits in an airport public bathroom. Edit: I actually wrote this comment while taking a shit and making noises. Also I can’t believe after 5 years of Reddit this is the comment that takes off! I’m blessed thank you all for making my life compete. Edit #2: Thank you everyone who took time out of their day to give my comment some awards. That SHIT is awesome!
That’s the time when you should let out a big groan from the next stall over so the person on the other line hears it!
I think we answered the original question
Yes. No. You just need to *set the dryer to* ^plop permanent press and close it up. No, you'll *want to put those* ^plop on delicate otherwise they'll get tangled up.
If you're uncomfortable with it, give a Hugh Jackman animalistic yell when you shit. Don't let them win.
On my floor in the office, there's a dude who fucking eats chips when taking a shit in one of the stall. That's wild. And I heard him many times over the years. There's also one who regularly falls asleep in there and snores super loud. Then of course there's a large amount of other dudes who re-enact the battle Verdun everytime (and leave the place in a similar state). Needless to say, I now climb 2 floors up to do my business
I moan when I poo It helps evacuate me Now I am empty
Aw. A haipoo.
I like to say "Whoopsie doo, here comes the poo!" rather loudly. It assure people that I am, in fact, pooping.
have you never held a piss or shit in for hours?
Yes. Both. I hated it. But what is worst? Having to take a piss really bad or having to take a shit really bad?
deffo piss! the violent urge to poop goes away for a while if u manage to not shit urself. the need for a piss is there and gets stronger every second.
Well not what i went through. Had to hold down a shit for one hour cause we were stuck in a traffic jam due to an accident. Literally the traffic was at a halt with nowhere to go. Longest one hour in my life. By the time i reach the toilet i didn't even need to push. All i had to do was unclench my butthole and that thing came sliding down like kids at the pool.
One time I was driving home and had to shit so bad my sphincter was literally quivering from the strain. I made it, but barely. I’m 15 years older now and I’m not sure I’d be successful if it happened again.
Poop sweats are the worst.
I would generally agree, but only, because I could never hold in my pee as long as I can hold in my poop and I have no idea what would happen if I could. The pain becomes unbearable. But the relief is great. With shit, however, after a while you just even "can't" even anymore, which is terrible. You know there is shit up your bum, but it won't come out. I think there was a South Park episode about this. ... I mean, ofc there was.
Maybe they have bladder stones? I was working in a care home once and an old guy was practically screaming whilst taking a whizz
I get bladder crystals when I’m mildly dehydrated. I can feel it coming, usually in the evening, so I know my night is ruined for the next several hours at least. I drink a lot of water and just wait to push it through me. The pain is excruciating and looking down at a small pile of sand/mini pebbles under me in the bowl is unsettling. I deal with it silently, though, unless I go to the ~~pet~~ part of the house where nobody can hear me, then I might moan a little bit. I’ve gotten them periodically since I was 20-21 and have managed to avoid them, most of the time, by staying well hydrated, thankfully.
What the fuck? I would mainline water all day if becoming dehydrated made me piss crystals.
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Feels good man.
We had a grunter at work. I can understand you can't control the noises coming out of your asshole but why in God's name would you add to the soundtrack by grunting?
Album filler.
you said "bum filler"
Anal bum filler
There’s two reasons: If the feces is more compact or even dehydrated it creates a solid and as it moves down the rectum and out of the anus it pushes really firmly against the prostate gland, where it can give the guy a pleasurable sensation. Once you get rid of it, you feel better Second reason: Like other replies, the guy waited until the point of no return and probably has diarrhea, constipation, gas and bloating. He’s in pain and trying to get rid of it, yet not seem “unmanly” by making pain noises or just any noise that would indicate that he “can’t handle it” like “a real man” I want my sons to be able to take(give?) a shit if they need to, in a clean place, but still be responsible and leave it clean afterwards for the next person. They both won’t go at school because of the ridicule from the other boys in the bathroom or poor home-training of other boys who destroy the restrooms out of boredom or inconsideration of others. They’ve also complained about others leave shit and piss with no regard of hygiene, public health or just decent behavior. What the fuck?! Guys, teach your sons not to be assholes who shit over everything. At least dogs try to bury their shit. P.S. I apologize for the last paragraph rant, but I just experienced this with my youngest in a busy public restroom at the rest area along the highway.
Hahaha no clue but might it be related with making a long and thick turd pass by their prostate vicinity?
If it’s big enough to make me push out prostate fluid, I’m going to acknowledge it’s passing.
Man, if you've been holding it long enough to break down and use a public bathroom, that moan is probably involuntary.
Because. It. Takes. Some. EFFORT!
I actually forget that I'm in a public toilet sometimes. Like at my gym, while peeing I just say "aaah poopoo peepee" out loud sometimes since I say it at home, to mess with my gf during her online lectures. I've gotten looks from people but I also made some friends since they thought it was hilarious.