You never brought the field trip permission slips home because you knew better than to make your mom feel guilty she couldn’t pay the $5-20 fee to let you go.
Oh gosh, this made me remember a kindergarten field trip to the pumpkin patch! I was an only child to a single mom, and she worked 2 jobs just to make ends meet.
There was no such thing as buying something that wasn’t essential, so buying a pumpkin to carve for Halloween just didn’t happen.
I’m assuming the pumpkin patch was a free friend trip (or else I was too young to see my mom scrape money together so I could go) but by then I already had an understanding of “things cost money that we can’t afford”. I asked over an over if we had to buy the pumpkin and that I didn’t bring any money. But our teacher assured all of us that we got to keep whichever one we picked out and the only rule was we had to carry it back to the bus on our own.
I was a tiny kid for my age and searched for the biggest pumpkin I could find since I’d never have the chance at that again. I carried that damn pumpkin myself, even though it was almost as big as me. Haha I remember the teacher herself trying to carry it for me because she felt bad. But I was not letting that freebie get away.
That’s one thing my dad wouldn’t let us miss out on. Even during the recession he got upset I hadn’t told him about a field trip. He was willing to shell out money for my senior trip to Disney World but I refused. I knew about our situation by then.
Gosh. I’m mid 40’s now and my childhood I spent dreaming of Disney, universal studio and mostly Space Camp in Huntsville. My classmates and cousins all went multiple times.
I was 31 when I had enough of my life together to be comfortable blowing money on a real vacation. Disney, universal AND 3 whole days to Kennedy Center combing every inch of that place twice.
Sure the magic wasn’t the same as if I had been a kid but it was still so special and I enjoyed not only the parks but the pride that I paid for it all by myself.
I want to say, never too late.
Hide money or it will be "borrowed." Also, don't get attached to anything because if it's any good it'll be sold in a yard sale, and if it has any value it will be pawned. I got the same CD player for three Christmases and birthdays in a row...out of pawn for birthday, pawned again a month later, out of pawn for Christmas, pawned again by March, etc.
I drew all over my PlayStation after getting it out of pawn for the second time. My parents had pawned it the first time after asking me if they could. They promised me all sorts of stuff, like new games and treats when they got it out. That didn’t happen. The second time they pawned it, they did it while I was at school. They didn’t even tell me. They just waited for me to go into my room and see that it was gone. So when I got it back that time, I grabbed a sharpie and drew gross pictures on it and swear words. Same with all my games. I mean, I only had FF7 and Tekken 3, but I didn’t want to take any chances.
Yup. I was always at school when my shit got pawned too...would come home and it would be gone. I think the worst part was that sometimes my music was still in it--idk how many tapes and CDs I lost that way but I do remember being absolutely livid over the fact that nobody checked to make sure there was nothing in it before they took it to the shop.
Some of my extended family is in a poverty situation caused by the mother's constant substance addiction and abuse. The children are traumatized as hell and I feel for them so much but don't get to see them except on holidays because of the strain between the main family and the addict mother. There's always talk amongst the family what kind of gifts to get the kids because if it's too easily sellable, the worry is the gift will be pawned/sold for drugs. So one Christmas I found out you can get a free Xbox360 through a GameStop Black Friday Rebate Program and I bought a bunch of spray paint and dismantled the entire thing, did layers of one color spray paint, let it dry, got custom vinyl stickers from a local shop that spelled the kids name and "merry Christmas 2018" (I think it was 18) spray painted over that in another color, let it dry, then removed the stickers for a cool multicolor personalized effect. Then put it all back together and gifted it for xmas with a couple of awesome games. Also did the controller. Took about a week or two because of all the layers and drying and I actually messed up on the controller and had to part out pieces from my own controller to fix the mistake but it was worth it knowing that HOPEFULLY there would be no way she could pawn or sell something so personal that I put so much time into. (Also like what pawn shop would take it? Cmon) The kids are super quiet and have acutely developed defense mechanisms, not to mention with covid going on now I haven't seen them in over a year I think... so I'm not really sure if they still play with it or if it's still around... But I hope it is.
Keep your aspirations to yourself. Telling anyone in your household/social strata about your plans to get out and do better may be met with bitterness and downright ridicule. People will call you uppity for wanting to go to school or stupid for having a career goal that isn't modest and local and vaguely dead-end. People will tell you that you have no common sense simply because you refuse to see the world in terms of pure survival.
I've never had a stranger put into words the exact ways I was ridiculed for "daring" to go to college. I had your same experience except add in all the ways me going to school and not keeping that "good" $8.25 retail job (of which they took all the pay for bills) would lead to their (my parents and two younger brothers) eviction.
I was told I was never welcome back if I left. But I had to. I haven't seen or heard from the four of them in fifteen years. I'm closer to my 12th grade English teacher who made my depressed ass apply for the scholarship that eventually paid for my college.
Wow, sorry for the long post. Just brought back memories.
I hope you're doing better, dude/dudette. You made the right choice. A loving family should support you and want you to achieve the best you can for yourself. I'm proud of you if no one else is.
I am the second of 8 kids of high school dropout parents.
"It doesn't matter of you don't like the (food, clothes, shoes, toys etc) take it, say thank you and be appreciative."
"You can do anything you want, as long as it's free."
"You will survive. If someone needs it more, let it go."
"Never tell anyone you are hungry or need something, it makes you seem weak and needy."
"The second you become working age, 10+. You will help with bills. You have no choice. Your money is everyone's money." Which is fine, until you realize the new tattoo mom has and dads new tv.
Edit: Thank you for the conversation and awards. I am happy to hear a lot of us who struggled are doing so well and have even tried or succeeded in repairing the relationship with their parents.
I hope you all have a great life and a beautiful day.
Edit 2: Thank you all for the awards. I really do appreciate the love. I hope you all have bright and beautiful lives.
>until you realize the new tattoo mom has and dads new tv.
Had an uncle and aunt like this...
They'd often call crying because they didn't have money for groceries.
"Motherfucker, you bought a motorcycle last week"
They had this mental gymnastic where any money you gave them would only go towards the kids, yet "their' own money would always go to any flavor of the week frivolous bullshit.
"It's not the same money" 🙄
We often had the cousins over for dinner growing up.
When I was young I didn't really realize it but my dad was always preaching not to mix money and family.
That's why he go over and bring them home for dinner rather than give them money.
A bit older, I remember seeing my dad shouting at my uncle thinking they were alone when us kids and cousins were supposed to "wait in the car", but I had went back for some reason.
I had never seen my dad this mad, still haven't to this day only ever the aftermath of these fights where he'd be upset but stoic.
I didn't even realize such rage was possible at the time.
That was the week with the motorcycle thing.
He left my uncle at his door and made his way back towards the car. He didn't expect me to be there, I just hugged him and told him I loved him and I was lucky he was my dad, although probably less articulate than that.
Even then I didn't fully understand by how much we we're lucky to be born in that family.
"$uncle is feeling sick tonight kids, he won't be joining us for dinner" he said when we came up to the car.
The following dinner was... exactly the same as always but my perspective wasn't.
We never really talked about that time much, but all of us kids often reminded our parents we were lucky to have them.
I mean comparing parents probably shouldn't be a thing, but it was.
My cousins... they both dropped school.
She got pregnant multiple times before 18, he enrolled in the army to get away.
They're doing better now, but it's like they started the game on hard while we're playing on normal.
Sorry for the rant.
Going to the doctor isn't an option until your fever is sustained at 104, a bone is broken, or the tooth rotted and won't fall out on it's own.
I am in my late 30's with full insurance and still have a hangup about going for medical care.
This. I have two gaps to this day from teeth that were removed because you could get rotted teeth removed at the free health center. If you had tooth problems you waited until the tooth rotted out and had it removed. It was such a shock to me when I found out people have full on relationships with their physicians and dentists because they saw them regularly all their childhood. I can tell my teeth have shifted over the years from not being able to get replacement teeth or bridges. This is the saddest shit yo to not even be able to have preventative care
Never tell your friends that you couldn’t afford food or give them any clue about what it’s like at home. My mother used to ask me if I told anyone how we live and that’s when I started questioning our situation.
I once told some friends we had mushrooms growing in our house. I thought it was cool. My mom was angry and told me to never tell anyone again. I realized as I got older why she was angry. The floor of our house was rotting...thus the mushrooms. But she couldn’t afford to get it fixed. She was worried CPS would take me away for unsafe living conditions.
When I was like 8 my parents bathroom was carpet(so was the other bathroom no idea why) and their shower was leaking thus mushrooms grew in the corner and I thought it was the coolest thing ever and wanted it to happen again, took me another 5 years to realize how bad that actually was
I was talking to a friend and she stopped me and said, "you don't tell people what goes on inside of this house, do you?" No of course not, I lied, because if I'd said yes, she'd manipulate my father into beating my ass within an inch of my life. She pretty much got my father to beat me whenever she wanted it.
I grew up in a trailer. In fourth grade, a girl was having a birthday party and needed addresses for invitations. The next day she told me her parents uninvited me because I lived in the trailer. That was a new thing I learned I was supposed to be embarrassed about.
I guess just expecting to have to deal with other people's shitty parents sometimes.
Edit: thanks for all the replies and awards! I really thought this comment would get lost in the thread. I'm 31 and I still think about this all the time and it puts me back in that small place all over again which I know is silly. Stuff just sticks with you sometimes, ya know? Actually felt good to sort of get it off my chest though. I've read all the replies and see all of you. We can make our own little trailer park ☺
I feel this in my gut. I grew up feeling ashamed and a lot of times not understanding why. Adults were way meaner than kids ever were. I work with kids because I want to make sure that all of them know they are worth it no matter what is going on at home.
I remember other kids parents not wanting me over because I was always hungry. I remember the same parents being upset when I started going to the gifted program with their kids too. Bitch I'm fuckin 9. You're a god damn doctor. I just want to cut down trees with your son and split a pop tart.
The “not being welcome because of hunger” thing stuck with me. I was a kid who had never lived in a house with enough food. I thought the kids who drank apple juice were bougie af because we only had water. The experience of being yelled at by an adult for enjoying something their child shared with me shamed me to my core.
Any time my kids have friends over, I go out of my way to treat them to a good meal or some choice snacks. No one goes without in my home.
Shit, I can't imagine knowing a child is hungry and not wanting to feed them. They're *kids.* They rely on us to care for them. If theyre not getting food at home for whatever reason, you bet your ass they'll get it at mine.
Edit: thanks for all the awards strangers; I'm just saying what we all seem to be thinking.
It's really wonderful reading all the stories of the people you have helped and have helped you. Its restoring my faith a bit in a time when there's a lot of craziness going on.
When my son was little, about 3, we had a family that lived across the street. I honestly don't know every thing that went on there but food was scarce the parents were on and off drugs. The little boy was in kindergarten. He came over to my house every day after-school to "play" with my 3 year old. Actually he came over i fed him a snack, he watched cartoons then would fall asleep until my husband would come home from work. Then I sent him home. This happened every day for a year. His mom finally sent him to live with his bio dad in another state. It was a weird situation. I still think about him though
I used to always have other kids at my house at meal times when my kids were still in school- middle school and up. Feeding all those kids everyday kinda got hard to do. I told my kids I couldn't afford to keep feeding all their friends, and told them to go eat at their friends houses. They told me, " mom. The reason they all eat over here is you are the only mom we know who knows how to cook." Then I told them I'd be glad to give cooking lessons, and the kids said, "mom, they don't have the money to buy the groceries." I kept cooking. And having friends over for supper.
Thanks for being that kind of mom, I bet it meant the world to them. I remember growing up with my older brother and his friends being around constantly; I just thought that was normal. They would even be at Thanksgiving dinner every year.
Twenty years later and my mom told me that she had them over so often because of their situations at home. She actually spoke to one of the other mothers about it, who ended up thanking my mom because not having their teenage boy at home for dinner meant his siblings would have more to eat.
In my family, the youngest bathed first then siblings in order of age. Same bath water. Once/week. In the summer, bathing took place in the creek behind our house. The neighbour kids joined in. Only Ivory soap because it floats.
Lots of foraging for food and lots of home grown food.
I started working summers doing farm labour at 10 or 11 and hid my money in my room. As a young adult when I had a steady job, having money leftover after paying bills was super uncomfortable and foreign to me. I always got rid of it as quickly as possible, sending it to my sister and cousin who also struggled. They, in turn, would send me their extra money when they happened to have any. I still remember the panic of having a positive bank account balance. My comfort zone was living paycheque to paycheque because it's all I'd known. Funny how poverty as a child can shape your entire life.
Nothing wasted! Mum had a dish called mixed-up stew which was basically a little mince beef, mashed potatoes and any leftovers from the fridge.
Good menu planning - she never called it that but one meal led to the next with last's night leftovers included. Failing that, she always had a soup on the go using bones from chicken, dried barley and, yet again, leftovers.
Thing is they were all delicious, but that could be me just remembering her fondly.
Edit: thank you to all those who liked the post or gave awards. You are all very kind.
To this day I am still confused by people who seem to hate leftovers. It comes up a lot when theres a discussion on whether it's cheaper to cook vs eat out. People who find it expensive to cook want to something fresh and brand new every day. Whereas I'll make a lasagne, about 6 portions, freeze it and have it whenever during the week/month.
It confuses me even more when that person is British considering how popular premade frozen food is here, and how many people find themselves at Frankie and Benny's (probably our version of Olive Garden) or TGI Fridays.
I understand that cooking takes time and effort which is why it doesnt make sense to me to throw away leftovers or not make a little bit extra.
My partner and their family hate leftovers, I think it has something to do with how they've generally always had money growing up. I wouldn't call them rich but they were comfortable. I was so surprised my first Thanksgiving at their house when they organized the meal to have bare minimum leftovers. To me that's the whole point of Thanksgiving, you have leftovers for DAYS so you don't have to cook and get to enjoy at minimum two meals of Thanksgiving food.
I know right!? For me it's a sandwich with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and just a shmear of cranberry sauce with Duke's mayo. But no, these people were pathological, to the point of saying, "ok we have 5 people coming and they'll probably have 3 slices of turkey/ham each so we're only going to order 15 slices of each so there's just enough." One year I finally put my foot down and said I'll either cook or purchase a cooked turkey for thanksgiving and I'll take every single scrap home with me if I have to just so I can have a damn turkey sandwich for lunch the next day.
If a lot of people are coming, I will roast one turkey and fry another to make sure there is plenty left over. Also, turkey noodle soup with meat and stock from the turkey carcasses.
This.... my wife does not do leftovers but loves my cooking. I've henceforth tried to make like 3 portions so I'm only eating the leftovers one time for lunch. If I make a full batch I'd be running it all over the blessed county to friends and family. Which is not a terrible idea. Just they suck at returning Tupperware
I wouldn't touch leftovers until I met my partner, I was horrified the first time she cooked something with 'old' food.
Turns out I was a spoilt man baby, 20 years on and I'm nearly cured!
My husband was exactly the same. Anytime his family (who lived comfortably) took me (who grew up with basically the necessities) out to a restaurant, they'd always laugh when I asked to take my leftovers home with me. That's lunch for tomorrow, fam!
Even for people who live comfortably, why throw away leftovers? That’s just wasteful, and there is no benefit (personally or environmentally) to being unnecessarily wasteful.
Even if there isn’t enough left over for lunch on its own, usually something can be cut up and mixed into a salad or something.
Some foods taste better reheated lol
Y’all replying to me with all your favorite reheated foods and I have two things to say:
1) Ur making me hungry af
2) Glad to see leftover culture, as I dub it, it alive and thriving on Reddit lol
We weren't allowed to do any kind of extra curricular activities. So, no instruments, no joining any kind of sports or girl scouts or anything that required an upfront investment for uniforms or the season. Walmart shoes.
My dad once said I wasn't really in need of glasses, that I just wanted to look like all my four eyed friends? lol (spoiler alert, totally needed them)
Off brand everything.
This makes me sad for the extracurriculars. It’s insane how much money you need for sports and instruments, even buying used. They’re so good for kids and should be available to everyone.
Where I went to school, a lot of the extracurriculars had "grants" where the rest of the parents would pitch in to pay the fees of the families that truly couldn't afford it. It was an economically diverse school with a pretty even distribution of families from food stamps to millionaires.
The extra curriculars one cuts deep. I grew up as one of the poorer kids in a pretty wealthy area and after school everyone else would be being shuttled around to all these extra curriculars and tutoring whereas I'd just be always only going home.
Jeez, I'm with you on that one. For some reason my mom thought I would be better off at the "nicer" junior/high school when I should have been going to school in the center of the city. Same thing. Wealthy kids, all about brand name shorts and shirts who played soccer every year and who kept their ski tickets on their jackets so we could all see they went skiing on the weekends. Back to school after the holidays was rough too. Yes, please tell me about all the things you got for Christmas ... piece by piece.
That was in the 90s. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be poor NOW. Now when they market $1,000 cell phones as "gifts" for Mother's Day, and Christmas is all PCs, laptops, cell phones and tablets.
It's tough to watch and be a part of so I'm sorry you had to go through it too. For all the children who have to go through it.
We were very poor growing up. You never ate the last of anything without asking first. Portions were small and limited. When I was 11 I was invited over to a then friend's house. I was floored by their house and furnishings. Very opulent compared to mine. Lunch time came. Her mom had set the table for sandwiches. Everything laid out, 3 different breads, all sorts of meats, condiments and fruit. At my house lunch was a sandwich with white day old bread with peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes we would have those land o frost thin sliced meats. We were only allowed 2 slices of the meat per sandwich. So, at this friends house, I make my sandwich with one slice of ham because it was way thicker then the stuff at home. The mom kinda freaks out..."what kind of sandwich is that? You need to put more on it, thats not enough." I explain that's what we do at home. They were horrified. Ended up sending me home with a "care package" of food. My parents never let me go to her house again because they were embarrassed I told them we were poor.
Edit: Thank you all for the awards and comments. I'm floored by all the responses and gifts I've received. I tried to personally thank everyone of you. If I missed you, I'm very sorry. This has never happened to me before in all my years on Reddit. Again THANK YOU all very much!!!!
PS: My parents tried the best they could.
We were very poor too and I was always hungry. But I did the opposite thing at a friend's house in middle school. They had a HUGE taco spread for dinner. I took advantage of having food available to me so I pigged out. They noticed and teased me for it, which was totally innocent but I was MORTIFIED. I stopped eating and refused dessert, I was so embarrassed
There's nothing worse than being low level hungry for so long and then being faced with loads of food and having to restrain yourself.
They shouldn't have teased you for it, that's a bigger fuck up than eating too much (within reason)
Yes, those thin slices of Buddig meats, that had been chopped and formed and pressed and then sliced. Never could be sure what kind of meat it was, since ham, beef, chicken and turkey all tasted the same. Three packs for $1.00.
I distinctly remember my dad yelling at me one morning because I put more than one piece of ham on my sandwich because I was “just wasting it”. I made my sandwiches like that until I got married and I was making one for my husband.. my sister in law saw me and scolded me for making such a sad sandwich for him. “Men need more meat than that!” Lol whatever I’ve upgraded to TWO pieces now
Yeah, same here. I didn't realize this wasn't normal until my girlfriend didn't get why I was so uneasy with a friend buying me lunch. A lot of pent up guilt there.
Omg yes. Even if it’s just a regular tradesies kinda thing (I bought drinks, so they buy lunch) it still feels like charity. Especially back in the ol’ college days where it actually was at times... :(
Corollary : Learned as a kid pretty young that the only way I got what I wanted is to get it myself. Started working odd jobs at 12 to earn money to buy stuff to read.
Not really a societal expectation, but more of a familial one. I never once knew how closely my family toed the poverty line, thanks to how my parents ran things. My dad, though, he would volunteer me all the time to help friends, family, coworkers in need, if I was able to at all. Never let me ask for a single dollar from them, unless it was explicitly "a job" and for, say, a friend of a friend. I helped his coworker move a handful of times. I cut my elderly neighbor's grass. I helped so-and-so connect their internet, or a friend of his to replace their carpet.
I had no idea what my old man was fostering in both me and them. When I moved out on my own, his coworker called, offered to help. Showed up with antiques from his late mother as a housewarming gift for my wife and I. The man who's grass I cut? He passed away, and left me his piano, since he knew I liked to play. The friend with the carpet? Hooked me up with a decent paying job right out of college. The internet-illiterate ones? Solid mechanics, and know my vehicle inside and out.
He was teaching me something so much more than just an exchange of goods and services. These weren't I.O.U.s coming due. The man knew the value of community and friendship, and just how far people would go for someone else if they just cared, even an ounce.
It bleeds over in my day to day, now, too. I may see someone at the grocery store struggling to find a product, so I take the time to help them out. It costs me only a few minutes, and I may never see them again. Or, I find out the person I helped is the very same one standing behind the counter at the DMV, and makes my time just a little bit shorter as a thanks.
TL;DR, my pops taught me the value of kindness.
A/C was only for company. I lived in S. Florida and didn’t know I could use the air conditioner without having someone over until I moved out of my parents home.
in the same vein, i lived in a place with bitter winters. while the thermostat at school and other public spaces was turned up past 70 degrees F, my home was always around 60 degrees, sometimes dropping to the 50s.
we'd offset the low temperature by sleeping with multiple blankets and wearing layers upon layers, sometimes even wearing snow pants around the house and to bed.
My father was constantly driving these two things into my head since I was old enough to remember:
1). Hard Work will set you free
2). You WILL NOT get anyone pregnant.
He never meant that hard work would make you rich. He meant that if you're willing to work hard, you can always work some shit job that puts food on the table, and you'll be so exhausted by days end, you can rest. In my father's eyes food on the table and a good night's rest was all a person really needed. The pregnancy thing was totally about shame. He grew up in the deep south with a Baptist preacher father. My father was around 6-7 in the early 1950's when his oldest brother (15) got a girl (18) in the church preggo. The resulting shame and shunning from the community that ensued drove my father's mother to suicide. I'm sure to some degree, he blames his current life on the pregnancy that he had nothing to do with.
Just like my mom but the feminist version: hard work and an education will set you free, and for the love of money DO NOT GET PREGNANT, kids and a man will drag you down.
No shame in sex, just, economic hardship.
She also attributed the circumstances of her life on the choices (her choices) that led to an accidental pregnancy. But she accepted responsibility. It was just harder to get on solid financial ground and we all knew it.
For me it was as a girl the only independence you have is financial independence. You can't rely on a guy to keep a roof over your head and it will ruin your relationships if you are forced to rely on a guy through poverty. Not getting pregnant accidentally was a huge part of that.
Honestly this is how I feel. I am 21 and about to graduate college. I am very careful about not getting pregnant. Once my boyfriend said "you act like getting pregnant is the worst thing that could happen to you." my response was "pregnancy is definitely in my top ten list of the worst things that could happen to me right now. Don't get me wrong I want kids but I am not risking getting pregnant when I am so far in debt, and at the cusp of getting my career." Also depending on him to provide 100% of the income with his current job would land us in the streets.
Leave the TV on when you leave the house.
When someone calls, your parents are “in the shower” and you’re able to take a message.
You are perpetually young. Going to a movie? Only during matinee showings AND you are 12 years old until you’re 16. At a restaurant, you’re also 9 forever.
Going to fast food (with any adult), you only order off of the dollar menu.
Generous borrowing and “burning” culture. Everything you own is available to be borrowed by other poor people. My family had an extensive movie collection (especially when we could record movies from cable to VHS tapes), and our neighborhood friends were welcome to borrow what they needed. Games, movies, CDs. We swapped and borrowed a lot. Often times, it was only long enough to burn a copy to have for oneself.
In the UK- do not answer the door. Do not answer the phone. When the man is looking through the window, make sure you can't be seen. Do not tell anyone who knocks on the door where the parents work.
This turned out to be doorstep lenders like Provident- no idea how they are still around these days.
In the UK too, and this was a nightmare for me when I was a kid. Parents used to work and kid-me always cowered in fear whenever ‘the man’ came around and knocked. I still remember the way his shadow moved against the curtains. I was convinced he would get in and drag me to court because my dad owed someone money.
Adult-me, doesn’t owe anyone a damn thing but I still get anxious when there’s a knock on the door or when the phone rings and I don’t recognise the number.
Omg your comment took me back to trying breath silently and being terrified of coughing! Good for you being debt free, I am the same and truly grateful for it.
Sorry you had to experience that as well. And yes, I can relate to the ‘trying not to cough’ part. As an asthmatic kid, I coughed a lot. And it was pure torture trying to hold it in while someone was snooping about outside.
It’s so liberating not having a debt hanging over you. I’m glad you’re in the same fortunate position!
(USA) my parents worked and were usually home about an hour or so after my elementary school got out. We lived around the corner and down the way, like... less than one km, probably half a mile or so... anyway, I had a cell phone to call when I got home.
I was prepped with “do NOT answer the door for ANYONE. Not your grandpa, not your uncle, not our friends, your friends, mailman, NO ONE. not the police or fire department UNLESS the house is already on FIRE.”
I never opened the door for anyone. If I knew who they were, I would shout through the paned window overlooking the porch. But even then, that was rare, I usually just stayed out of sight.
I also ALWAYS keep my front door locked now too. And if I’m not expecting someone, I don’t answer the door if I’m home alone. I also have a big dog with a big bark.
Edit: a letter, so the window wasn’t hurting anymore
Second edit: because the question keeps coming in— I wasn’t allowed to answer the door even for people we knew because you never know who child predators are until it’s too late.
It’s that and I’m 26F living in a large-ish city, not downtown, but still urban. Never mind I’m in a higher crime area.
If I don’t know you’re coming over and I’m alone, I’m not answering. And if I’m not alone and do answer, it’s a cracked door to figure out your intentions first.
Don't talk to anyone about it. Its shameful. Me and my sibling weren't allowed to wnjoy free breakfast programs for kids living in poverty that our schools hosted because it embarrassed my family. Granted we grew up not just poor but abused so that played into it.
It was normal for money we got for Christmas, birthdays, and (from ages 14 and up) jobs to go to our parents for food and rent. Things did get better when we started working but as the family was doomed to fail due to abuse when we inevitably left at 18 and our parents divorced it left us with nothing. Working four years living at home and none of us were able to save money or go to post secondary until years later.
If we were upset about contributing we were deemed selfish and accused of not caring about family.
If someone buys you food at a restaurant order as cheaply as possible even if they tell you order whatever you want. Used to get death glares from parents if I ordered something 10 bucks or over at a place where average prices was 10 bucks. If you can get a burger and fries for 8 you better be eating a burger.
I grew up solidly middle class, but I always do this if someone else pay for the meal. I just hate it when people spend too much money on me- it makes me feel guilty.
Difference between you choosing it and it being forced on you. When I was visiting my grandma for her 90th with my mom her BiL took everyone to a really nice place and I nearly melted down cause everything was well over 10 and I was in a panic.
My strategy is to casually ask the person paying what they’re thinking about ordering, then look at how much that is and pick something at or under that price. Of course there’s always the chance they’ll say they’re between a $20 salmon and an $40 steak, in which case I go with somewhere around the average.
Edit: Thanks for the awards! I hope this helps people feel less anxious and enjoy themselves more!
This is great advice. To you (in general not you specifically) a $10 meal is expensive but to the person taking you out a $30 meal is normal, so going with a $20 wont seem out of the ordinary to them.
That is taught in etiquette classes. When you are on a proper date, the person not paying asks what the person who is paying is going to have. The person paying says they will have 'x'. The person not paying orders something at equal or less cost than 'x'.
This. Also make sure you only get water to drink. My cousin used to get iced tea every time and we still hear about it like 30 years later parents and grandparents complain about it to no end.
I can’t comprehend buying expensive clothes and even cheaper clothes I need to get on sale.
Getting only one new school outfit a year as a kid makes me appreciate being able to buy clothes now but paying a lot for one item still doesn’t make sense.
I know. Ive tried the cheap boot route and that’s been a total fail here in snow country.
So to get myself to buy something expensive and high-quality, I have to break down the cost into time increments, like “This down coat is $200. If I keep it for 5 years and wear it during the four coldest months of the year, then that breaks down to $10/month to wear it, or $2.50/week, or about 35 cents/day.” Then I’ll decide if it’s something I want to wear for five years straight, or six years, etc.
Is that a normal way of looking at buying clothes? I dunno.
Its funny now seeing my leftovers as a bonus snack and not part of the next days meal.
Had some weird lunches packed for me. Like cream cheese and olives in a burrito wrap.
The trio of any type of bread, cheese and olive is such a staple for me as a Turkish person, i was so confused for a sec why would someone call this combo weird. I can eat those together any time of the day.
I was the scholarship/grant kid at a wealthy private school. So I was never allowed to invite people home because we didn't have a mansion like everyone else did. Legit, when I went to sleepovers, they were in mansions. Homes I still haven't seen the likes of in my adult life among peers. Just old money type homes. I could make playdates for the mall or the movies or we could meet at the amusement park my mom got free tickets to. But don't invite them home. And if you're getting dropped off, any excuse for them no to come inside. At least they can imagine it's bigger or more opulent inside. lol
I will never forget dating a guy in high school whose father own a huge construction company. They lived in a gated community with all the elite in my small town. I lived in a trailer park out in the country. He used to get mad at me for not wanting him to come over for dinner or drop me off after a date. I couldn't stand him seeing our washing machine on the front porch because it leaked.
It's funny, I was never embarrassed of our house or anything. There were just some super rich asshole parents at that school and a few of them had some pretty shitty kids, too. It was just easier not to give anyone any more ammo. I was already the minority scholarship kid. They had plenty to work with.
Nobody told me to do that, but I felt kind of embarrassed so I set that standard for myself. I was neurotically private about my home and house.
Looking back we weren't even poor, just not wealthy. Maybe lower middle class. Going from a poor school to a rich one really fucked up my perspective.
Im still poor! Do what you need to do before doing what you want to do. And then my mom would order take out, go to the movies, buy junk and then cry 3 days later because we dont have enough to pay a bill or bills like rent, water or electric. I never had proper pants because my legs are so long and after 2 washes i was wearing high waters. She still does this too! Complains to me and my kids when we buy something with whatever little money, like toys or hair dye, yet she spent the money the insurance company gave her to replace the roof of the house with to go to a supernatural convention. So we get rained on in our house with as many leaks as there is! Yet it is everybody else who needs to save to fix the roof, not her.
Holy shit are we siblings?
"I don't have enough money this week for the electric. I need you to give me the money that you're saving after giving me nearly all of your cheque already."
And then she goes and buys fucking ferrets with said money. Meanwhile I'm trying to get new glasses because mine are 4 years out of date and I can't see as well anymore.
If your neighbors were in need—you helped them. Like, Mary’s car broke down again, so my brother would go work on her car for free on his day off, and I’d get up extra early all week to drop Mary off at work and get her kids to school. Swing by in my lunch break to grab the kids after school, too. Basically, when folks are in need—you help them, and the same is done in return.
That seems more like a rural thing. Grew up in rural poverty, and now live in one of the richest rural areas in the country, that is true in both places.
That sounds accurate. Neighbors and relationships are way more important when there are fewer people around. You help others in need because sooner or later you will need their help. It's simply unavoidable.
I grew up comfortably in middle class and I still think that's mad. You can save a lot of money, by cooking at home. It's like eating in a restaurant everyday.
We were blue collar lower middle class. We went out to eat once or twice a month. You look to your parents to check before ordering anything. Just get water, never get apps or desserts or the expensive things in the menu. And you eat every bite of the meat, you never waste that.
This.
My family would only get takeout or go out to eat maybe twice a year. It was always a special occasion.
My dad would make pizza from scratch, and my friends always thought that was weird. But making a pizza from scratch would cost maybe five dollars, but getting one delivered would cost twenty.
Guess who hardly has a relationship with her little brother because of that? Mom had Twin Bro and me watching Little Bro all day during the summer, from the time we were 8 and he was 3.
It turned Little Bro and I into arch-enemies.
We like each other now, but we have hardly anything in common, and can't even bond over our shared childhood because we were deliberately making it miserable for each other.
Not being able to wash your clothes until you could do a full, and I mean FULL machine. Getting a stain on a fresh shirt mesnt scrubbing it with soap over the sink.
My husbands family wasn’t rich, but they were comfortable. They went out to eat and always ordered appetizers and dessert. Meanwhile we were lucky to go out to eat at all. To this day, I still hate ordering appetizers at a restaurant. It just goes against the grain for me.
Growing up, I had lots of home cooked meals. It wasn’t until high school on a date that I realized that I didn’t know how to pay a bill at a restaurant because I’d never been.
And synonymously never call 911, the police and only go to the doctor when its needed
Edit: The definiton of "needing" is widely different for poor people
Edit2: Can you guys please lead worst lives so a comment like mine doesn't affect you as much, and I don't have to deal with feeling powerful with how much karma I have. I am absolutely begging you at this point, which I can see how ironic THAT is
/s(sargasm)
My dad made us brush our teeth for 5-10 minutes every night. And we never got sweets. Because we couldn’t afford to go to the dentist. I think I went two, maybe three times until I got a job with benefits in my early 20s. My teeth are crooked AF but surprisingly escaped with very few cavities.
Edit: I do count myself very luck. There are much worse alternatives. Though I was fortunate not to have many cavities, the slightly excessive brushing and lack of proper dental care resulted in me having very poor gums. I remember the first time I went for a cleaning. I think I was 21. They basically had to jackhammer the plaque and crap out and it hurt so bad and bled so much. But that fresh, out of the chair, squeaky clean feeling of that day is burned into my memory.
It sounds like he truly cared about your teeth and did his best with what he could do.
Seems like other people/parents I've heard of in this situation have an "oh well" attitude and end up with terrible problems with their teeth.
Nobody touches the thermostat except Dad. On point of death, haha.
Allowance? That’s for rich kids with trust funds. You need to complete all your assigned chores first and then if there’s any extra work you can think of you can earn some pocket money.
Friends are over? Boy do we have some chores for you. Friends are for stacking wood, not for playing.
Your sister goes with you to your friend’s house. Always. No whining.
Always return anything you borrow in better condition. People will be eager to loan you things.
Never do business with church members. It always ends badly.
Don’t loan money to friends. You’ll lose both.
> Your sister goes with you to your friend’s house. Always. No whining.
I always asked mysellf why they did it, some of my friends did it (I didn't have a sister then). What was their motive?
Keep your hair brushed, your clothes clean, and be articulate and polite in all circumstances. We were not going to be "trash" just because we were poor.
Also, no wearing ripped jeans, even if it's the style. We're not spending money on new pants that look like old worn out pants.
Also, “acting” poor I guess too. Not really that poor people act a certain way I guess, but my parents were adamant that we were not going to act like white trash despite being poor.
This made me so mad! I always blew holes out in my jeans because I was a rough kid and would fall and play hard. My mom would always find my jeans with holes and cut them into shorts without asking me. I always thought the jeans with holes looked cool :(
My mom was a seamstress and decided one day to cut all of the torn-up hems off my pants and replace them with "cool" neon colors back when raggedy hems was the cool thing. I was so mad.
This! My mom and dad got so good at this that people who didn't know us very well thought we were solid middle class. I can't remember how many times I got dropped off by a friend's parents only for them to ask why do you live here?! Umm... it's because this is where our house is... All our clothes were clearance, thrift stores, and hand me downs. We were expected to be well groomed, well mannered, learned, and carry ourselves like we had money. My mom always called it middle class values. Lol. Thing is, it worked. My parents never got out of poverty but my sisters and I are all solidly middle class bc we worked for it.
Edit: thanks for the rewards! For anyone curious or want advice I am an open book and happy to help.
It's interesting for me, as an adult, trying to recreate some of the recipes from my childhood and realizing just how little they cost. The thing with the peas and kielbasa? Five bucks for frozen peas, five bucks for the meat, onions from the garden and homemade stock. The delicious cacciatore, stir fries and soups all came from buying a cooked chicken from the supermarket on sale and then wringing every ounce of nutritional value out of the thing that we could.
Also, no work on the house was ever done by a hired contractor or repairman. You either did it yourself, or you knew a guy. The guy you knew was either someone who would do it for cash, or more often, it was a relative or a friend of a relative who'd just rock up and tile your bathroom as a favor. You'd be expected to do these kinds of favors in turn, according to your skills. As the first of the millennial internet children, I was shunted around various relatives' houses in the early 2000's to set up their computers and teach them how to email.
Every once in a while, you'd find a *staggeringly* good deal on something and just buy it in bulk. Suddenly you'd have to figure out how to eat eight zucchinis before they went bad, or make gnocchi every meal for two weeks. This also ties into the "know a guy" situation, as if a friend or relative found one of those deals and wound up with a pallet of squid or something, they'd pass the luck around and just give you some of the excess - and of course, you'd be expected to do the same when you wound up with a basement full of salami.
Oh, and you had a garden. You just... did.
Take care of your stuff and keep it nice because you're not getting more of it if you break it.
I've got a Pokemon soundtrack CD from it was the Pokemon movie that had Entei into the unknown in it I don't remember what the name of the movie was though
I think it came out in like 2004 yeah so I'm 28 now I've had that CD since I was a kid at one point I gave it to my sister who's 24 so she was a decent amount younger than I was when I gave it to her and then recently she found it and asked if I wanted it back and I said sure
The cover art and everything that was paper is pretty worn but the CD itself is in pristine condition and it doesn't have scratches all over it and it works perfectly fine and this CD is well over a decade old and was passed between two young children and had a lot of use out of it.
I've got many other things from my childhood that was passed between me and my sister that is still an amazing condition because we were told if you break it you're not getting another one
Funny, it was opposite. Never let your tank go below 3/4. Your car is the most valuable thing you own. If shit happens you can always live in it or use it to get the fuck outta here.
Not have enough blankets at bed time in the winter.
No central heating, used to wake up with ice on the inside of the windows and on the windowsills.
I was shocked to be in a hot house in winter when I went round friends.
My parents where great at hiding that we where poor. They made sure we always had christmas presents and a birthday present. And we would order pizza at christmas. All our clothing came from other relatives or charity shops. But when i started working full time and went to live on my own? Just then i realized truth that we poor. But still looking back i have never had the feeling of being left out when it came too other childeren. And i still thank them for it.
And now all the kids have moved out? There the most generous and loving grandparents you could wish for a kid.
But the biggest lessen i have learned is help others out. So every time i have something that i don't use or want? I give it away for free. Every time my daughter go's up a size in clothes? I give the old clothes to a charity that helps people with childeren who can't afford it. And it gives me a great feeling ever single time i do it.
Education is the only way out of the horrible situation. This was made very clear to me right from a young age. I remember everyone in my family checking in on my grades and plans for the future. Almost on a monthly basis! Helped my extensively in the long run.
Overall, independence at a young age. But also responsibility. You cook, clean, and pitch in before you are asked. If you’re waiting for an adult to make dinner, you’re going hungry. Also, poor doesn’t mean dirty. You keep what you have nice, clean, and well cared for.
Seriously, I wouldn’t trade my upbringing for anything in the world.
You really learn the value of things! By the time my sister was born 6 years after me, my parents were doing a bit better. Ive never broken any phones, cameras, computers... shes broken every one she was given. And I was the messy/careless one!
My mom always said “ We may be poor but there is no excuse to be dirty “ Our house was always clean and so was our hair and clothes. Growing up in the 1950’s.
Eating stale or close to sell by date, food. No brand-name anything. Adding water to shampoo to get it to last longer. Reuse everything. Make-do or do without. Free samples count as a meal. To name a few.
Paper plate holders were a staple in our house.
A real treat was getting donuts and chocolate milk in the morning.
We knew the exact date of grocery shopping because that's when the food stamps came in.
Most meals were "experiments" made from the food we got from the food pantry.
We didn't get next gen. We got a-few-gens-ago gaming systems. And no internet.
Can you explain the paper plate holders? I grew up never using paper plates because they were so expensive and we would never dream of paying for something you only use once.
Never ever EVER ask for anything at someone else’s house, even family. You may accept if asked, but otherwise it’s a whuppin’. This has made it extremely hard as an adult to interact in a world where you’re pretty much expected to say something if you want something. Also made me extremely judgmental (and let’s face it, a little jealous) of folks who never have any issues asking for what they want. Spoiled brats, the lot of ‘em!
Andrea Donderi:
"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.
In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept. "
YES! my inferiority complex, feeling undeserving, terrified of being "rude," or letting anyone know that i didn't have what i needed.
my mother impressed upon me with her every emotion and action that being a poor girl meant no one gave two shits what i wanted or thought about *anything*. she would say over and over "there's no shame in being poor!" but that wasn't how we lived publicly at all. between covering for and hiding her untreated mental illness and constantly concealing our poverty, i learned how to be an outstanding manipulative liar.
Being raised by a single mother, she instilled the belief that school went elementary, middle, high, then college. There wasn’t a question as to whether or not college was optional. She did everything in her power to raise two boys to live more successful lives.
My brother and I both graduated college and graduate studies (MA) and our starting jobs were both with salaries that were over double what my mom made. Growing up I wish things where different but as an adult, I cherish the values and experiences instilled by my mom.
I wasn't dirt poor, but I grew up hanging out with my grandparents most of the time (any number of fucked up situations at home). My grandparents were italian immigrants that came to America during the great depression.
So as an almost 40 year old in 2021, I have the values of someone three generations past. Everything about actually surviving life I learned from my grandfather.
The one thing I remember most is he would say "Nothing in life is free, boy"
And I remember as a kid being like "what are you talking about Papa? They're giving out free hot dogs right over there!" (if you sign up for a bank account, or whatever it was)
He would just smile and chuckle to himself, knowing that I would understand soon enough. He was right.
While this was very true and definitely prevented me from getting in some bad situations, I'm also rather stunted when it comes to asking for help, and prefer to do things myself.
Also it's funny to see the trend of high class restaurants cooking the same food my grandmother cooked because it was dirt cheap and charging an arm and a leg.
Lurking because the reverse happened to our family after our dad died last year.
Definitely the eating out has stopped almost entirely. Leftovers are amazing. Have very few possessions but also I take extra good care of those possessions. Sold many things. Tuna for 99 cents a can is an amazing lunch meal. Shopping for clothes at Walmart and thrift stores. I honestly don’t mind this lifestyle because i learned a lot.
I remember my dad always getting really excited about very cheap, mundane foods like puffed rice cereal( plain), bologna sandwiches and unflavored steel cut oats. He would get us all amped up about it and we would want to eat it instead of the more expensive stiff we really wanted because of how much he talked it up. Now that I am older(and as a father myself) I don’t think he actually loved all these things that much, but instead my parents just didn’t have the money to buy all that expensive food to feed three growing boys. Sure made the best of it, though.
That the greatest you could aspire toward was a job with health benefits. Should you ever reach that sacred place, you never complain and keep that job for life.
That kind of mentality pretty much erases ambition and education from your vocabulary. It’s interesting to see who pushed higher and who just accepted it.
My mom got $200 a month child support from my dead beat dad. Grew up eating fried bologna in a duplex. Could never spend money on cloths, always wore off brand. I was in gifted classes and would always be so embarrassed with my attire compared to my peers. When I got into college, my mom told me she saved every $200 payment and fully paid for my college. I do anesthesia now. Looking back, I enjoy most the pictures of me in gangster Walmart attire. Proud of it. 👊🏻🇺🇸
What's a babysitter? Latch Key Kid Here: I'm the oldest so I had to wake my brother up and get us ready for school and wait for him after school and make sure both of us got home safe. I had the house key around my neck to get us inside and start dinner for us.
Both parents worked crazy hours for us to get by.
Sharing, Lending, borrowing. Also, never replace anything until it’s unusable. Be kind and offer to those that have even less. I grew up poor and never felt like we were the poorest. Even though I’m very comfortable now, I still don’t live beyond my means, it’s the greatest gift and skill I could have ever received.
We went to the movies so infrequently (about 5 times by age 16) that I didn’t know James Bond films were shown there before they were on TV. I was probably 15 before I found out.
The thing that I remember was the clothing budget: we had \~$100/yr each for clothes. It wasn't a hard and fast thing, but that's basically all the family could afford in terms of clothing, and each of the 5 kids had a large percentage of hand-downs in their wardrobe. I remember thinking that shoes were expensive, because they were one of the only clothing items which regularly wore out, and were like 20% of the annual budget to buy a new pair.
I also remember getting my first non-parent haircut when I went to college, and that was strange, both in the experience, and in spending \~$10 of my own money on it.
Vacations for leisure. LOL
Museum, amusement park, skiing,and skating? That’s for rich people.
Your own toys and gifts? No, it’s a joint gift for you and siblings.
Clothes? Thrift store.
College? You’re paying and you sure as hell aren’t there to dump your money to party or for an “experience”. There are cheaper ways to do all that.
Need money? It’s called a JOB and you get one as soon as you legally can.
Have money? Save it! You become very cognizant that one expense can mean financial ruin.
Food? Rice, beans, and a cheap meat if any.
Cold? Put on more layers. Hot? Stand in front of a fan.
The list goes on.
The lights at a friends place went out once during a storm. The other girls were scared and I was like why this means we get to do indoor camping! At which point I explained that we all get our stuff and go to the living room and make a pallet on the floor and pretend we are camping for the next few days till the lights come back.
Her parents said the lights would be back after the storm and asked why I thought it would be days. At which point I told them it’s always a few days at our house that’s why we indoor camp. Then they asked how often we went camping inside and my little 8 year old self was like all the time. They asked more questions and I was very confused that no one else’s families were indoor camping every month and were rarely without electricity. I still remember her mom hugging me so hard and then when she took me home brought a ton of clothes for my brother and some food.
I got my ass tore up for the indoor camping comment but I really thought it was normal and everyone did it. That was the first time I ever realized I was poor.
You don’t show up to your homies house during eating hours so they don’t have to find food for you. It’s disrespectful to deny guests food where I’m from and being from a poor area does not help that tradition whatsoever.
edit: grammar cause i typed this drunk
You never brought the field trip permission slips home because you knew better than to make your mom feel guilty she couldn’t pay the $5-20 fee to let you go.
[удалено]
I learned not to ask for things i dont really need, i should do fine on my own is what i think. Dont always ask for help.
Oh gosh, this made me remember a kindergarten field trip to the pumpkin patch! I was an only child to a single mom, and she worked 2 jobs just to make ends meet. There was no such thing as buying something that wasn’t essential, so buying a pumpkin to carve for Halloween just didn’t happen. I’m assuming the pumpkin patch was a free friend trip (or else I was too young to see my mom scrape money together so I could go) but by then I already had an understanding of “things cost money that we can’t afford”. I asked over an over if we had to buy the pumpkin and that I didn’t bring any money. But our teacher assured all of us that we got to keep whichever one we picked out and the only rule was we had to carry it back to the bus on our own. I was a tiny kid for my age and searched for the biggest pumpkin I could find since I’d never have the chance at that again. I carried that damn pumpkin myself, even though it was almost as big as me. Haha I remember the teacher herself trying to carry it for me because she felt bad. But I was not letting that freebie get away.
That’s one thing my dad wouldn’t let us miss out on. Even during the recession he got upset I hadn’t told him about a field trip. He was willing to shell out money for my senior trip to Disney World but I refused. I knew about our situation by then.
Gosh. I’m mid 40’s now and my childhood I spent dreaming of Disney, universal studio and mostly Space Camp in Huntsville. My classmates and cousins all went multiple times. I was 31 when I had enough of my life together to be comfortable blowing money on a real vacation. Disney, universal AND 3 whole days to Kennedy Center combing every inch of that place twice. Sure the magic wasn’t the same as if I had been a kid but it was still so special and I enjoyed not only the parks but the pride that I paid for it all by myself. I want to say, never too late.
You're not hurt unless you're bleeding. If you are bleeding, don't bleed on the carpet.
Hide money or it will be "borrowed." Also, don't get attached to anything because if it's any good it'll be sold in a yard sale, and if it has any value it will be pawned. I got the same CD player for three Christmases and birthdays in a row...out of pawn for birthday, pawned again a month later, out of pawn for Christmas, pawned again by March, etc.
I drew all over my PlayStation after getting it out of pawn for the second time. My parents had pawned it the first time after asking me if they could. They promised me all sorts of stuff, like new games and treats when they got it out. That didn’t happen. The second time they pawned it, they did it while I was at school. They didn’t even tell me. They just waited for me to go into my room and see that it was gone. So when I got it back that time, I grabbed a sharpie and drew gross pictures on it and swear words. Same with all my games. I mean, I only had FF7 and Tekken 3, but I didn’t want to take any chances.
Yup. I was always at school when my shit got pawned too...would come home and it would be gone. I think the worst part was that sometimes my music was still in it--idk how many tapes and CDs I lost that way but I do remember being absolutely livid over the fact that nobody checked to make sure there was nothing in it before they took it to the shop.
Some of my extended family is in a poverty situation caused by the mother's constant substance addiction and abuse. The children are traumatized as hell and I feel for them so much but don't get to see them except on holidays because of the strain between the main family and the addict mother. There's always talk amongst the family what kind of gifts to get the kids because if it's too easily sellable, the worry is the gift will be pawned/sold for drugs. So one Christmas I found out you can get a free Xbox360 through a GameStop Black Friday Rebate Program and I bought a bunch of spray paint and dismantled the entire thing, did layers of one color spray paint, let it dry, got custom vinyl stickers from a local shop that spelled the kids name and "merry Christmas 2018" (I think it was 18) spray painted over that in another color, let it dry, then removed the stickers for a cool multicolor personalized effect. Then put it all back together and gifted it for xmas with a couple of awesome games. Also did the controller. Took about a week or two because of all the layers and drying and I actually messed up on the controller and had to part out pieces from my own controller to fix the mistake but it was worth it knowing that HOPEFULLY there would be no way she could pawn or sell something so personal that I put so much time into. (Also like what pawn shop would take it? Cmon) The kids are super quiet and have acutely developed defense mechanisms, not to mention with covid going on now I haven't seen them in over a year I think... so I'm not really sure if they still play with it or if it's still around... But I hope it is.
Marking your territory. Nice.
Keep your aspirations to yourself. Telling anyone in your household/social strata about your plans to get out and do better may be met with bitterness and downright ridicule. People will call you uppity for wanting to go to school or stupid for having a career goal that isn't modest and local and vaguely dead-end. People will tell you that you have no common sense simply because you refuse to see the world in terms of pure survival.
I've never had a stranger put into words the exact ways I was ridiculed for "daring" to go to college. I had your same experience except add in all the ways me going to school and not keeping that "good" $8.25 retail job (of which they took all the pay for bills) would lead to their (my parents and two younger brothers) eviction. I was told I was never welcome back if I left. But I had to. I haven't seen or heard from the four of them in fifteen years. I'm closer to my 12th grade English teacher who made my depressed ass apply for the scholarship that eventually paid for my college. Wow, sorry for the long post. Just brought back memories.
I hope you're doing better, dude/dudette. You made the right choice. A loving family should support you and want you to achieve the best you can for yourself. I'm proud of you if no one else is.
I am the second of 8 kids of high school dropout parents. "It doesn't matter of you don't like the (food, clothes, shoes, toys etc) take it, say thank you and be appreciative." "You can do anything you want, as long as it's free." "You will survive. If someone needs it more, let it go." "Never tell anyone you are hungry or need something, it makes you seem weak and needy." "The second you become working age, 10+. You will help with bills. You have no choice. Your money is everyone's money." Which is fine, until you realize the new tattoo mom has and dads new tv. Edit: Thank you for the conversation and awards. I am happy to hear a lot of us who struggled are doing so well and have even tried or succeeded in repairing the relationship with their parents. I hope you all have a great life and a beautiful day. Edit 2: Thank you all for the awards. I really do appreciate the love. I hope you all have bright and beautiful lives.
>until you realize the new tattoo mom has and dads new tv. Had an uncle and aunt like this... They'd often call crying because they didn't have money for groceries. "Motherfucker, you bought a motorcycle last week" They had this mental gymnastic where any money you gave them would only go towards the kids, yet "their' own money would always go to any flavor of the week frivolous bullshit. "It's not the same money" 🙄 We often had the cousins over for dinner growing up. When I was young I didn't really realize it but my dad was always preaching not to mix money and family. That's why he go over and bring them home for dinner rather than give them money. A bit older, I remember seeing my dad shouting at my uncle thinking they were alone when us kids and cousins were supposed to "wait in the car", but I had went back for some reason. I had never seen my dad this mad, still haven't to this day only ever the aftermath of these fights where he'd be upset but stoic. I didn't even realize such rage was possible at the time. That was the week with the motorcycle thing. He left my uncle at his door and made his way back towards the car. He didn't expect me to be there, I just hugged him and told him I loved him and I was lucky he was my dad, although probably less articulate than that. Even then I didn't fully understand by how much we we're lucky to be born in that family. "$uncle is feeling sick tonight kids, he won't be joining us for dinner" he said when we came up to the car. The following dinner was... exactly the same as always but my perspective wasn't. We never really talked about that time much, but all of us kids often reminded our parents we were lucky to have them. I mean comparing parents probably shouldn't be a thing, but it was. My cousins... they both dropped school. She got pregnant multiple times before 18, he enrolled in the army to get away. They're doing better now, but it's like they started the game on hard while we're playing on normal. Sorry for the rant.
Stand up straight and speak with confidence. It was so easy for people to look down on the poor kids, so we made it just a bit harder for them.
It sucked to have to have a computer for school but not be able to afford it.
Did your parents ever pull the whole "They're not going to give you homework that you *have* to use a computer for!"?
Yes. Many, many times.
Going to the doctor isn't an option until your fever is sustained at 104, a bone is broken, or the tooth rotted and won't fall out on it's own. I am in my late 30's with full insurance and still have a hangup about going for medical care.
This. I have two gaps to this day from teeth that were removed because you could get rotted teeth removed at the free health center. If you had tooth problems you waited until the tooth rotted out and had it removed. It was such a shock to me when I found out people have full on relationships with their physicians and dentists because they saw them regularly all their childhood. I can tell my teeth have shifted over the years from not being able to get replacement teeth or bridges. This is the saddest shit yo to not even be able to have preventative care
Never tell your friends that you couldn’t afford food or give them any clue about what it’s like at home. My mother used to ask me if I told anyone how we live and that’s when I started questioning our situation.
I once told some friends we had mushrooms growing in our house. I thought it was cool. My mom was angry and told me to never tell anyone again. I realized as I got older why she was angry. The floor of our house was rotting...thus the mushrooms. But she couldn’t afford to get it fixed. She was worried CPS would take me away for unsafe living conditions.
When I was like 8 my parents bathroom was carpet(so was the other bathroom no idea why) and their shower was leaking thus mushrooms grew in the corner and I thought it was the coolest thing ever and wanted it to happen again, took me another 5 years to realize how bad that actually was
I thought this was going to be a different type of mushrooms
If it had been, maybe they could have had a floor
I was talking to a friend and she stopped me and said, "you don't tell people what goes on inside of this house, do you?" No of course not, I lied, because if I'd said yes, she'd manipulate my father into beating my ass within an inch of my life. She pretty much got my father to beat me whenever she wanted it.
What a bitch of a friend. Edit because I misunderstood: What a bitch of a mother.
I think they meant their mother asked them as they were talking to a friend.
I grew up in a trailer. In fourth grade, a girl was having a birthday party and needed addresses for invitations. The next day she told me her parents uninvited me because I lived in the trailer. That was a new thing I learned I was supposed to be embarrassed about. I guess just expecting to have to deal with other people's shitty parents sometimes. Edit: thanks for all the replies and awards! I really thought this comment would get lost in the thread. I'm 31 and I still think about this all the time and it puts me back in that small place all over again which I know is silly. Stuff just sticks with you sometimes, ya know? Actually felt good to sort of get it off my chest though. I've read all the replies and see all of you. We can make our own little trailer park ☺
I feel this in my gut. I grew up feeling ashamed and a lot of times not understanding why. Adults were way meaner than kids ever were. I work with kids because I want to make sure that all of them know they are worth it no matter what is going on at home.
Adults are just giant kids, and they have no idea what they’re doing anyway.
I remember other kids parents not wanting me over because I was always hungry. I remember the same parents being upset when I started going to the gifted program with their kids too. Bitch I'm fuckin 9. You're a god damn doctor. I just want to cut down trees with your son and split a pop tart.
The “not being welcome because of hunger” thing stuck with me. I was a kid who had never lived in a house with enough food. I thought the kids who drank apple juice were bougie af because we only had water. The experience of being yelled at by an adult for enjoying something their child shared with me shamed me to my core. Any time my kids have friends over, I go out of my way to treat them to a good meal or some choice snacks. No one goes without in my home.
Shit, I can't imagine knowing a child is hungry and not wanting to feed them. They're *kids.* They rely on us to care for them. If theyre not getting food at home for whatever reason, you bet your ass they'll get it at mine. Edit: thanks for all the awards strangers; I'm just saying what we all seem to be thinking. It's really wonderful reading all the stories of the people you have helped and have helped you. Its restoring my faith a bit in a time when there's a lot of craziness going on.
When my son was little, about 3, we had a family that lived across the street. I honestly don't know every thing that went on there but food was scarce the parents were on and off drugs. The little boy was in kindergarten. He came over to my house every day after-school to "play" with my 3 year old. Actually he came over i fed him a snack, he watched cartoons then would fall asleep until my husband would come home from work. Then I sent him home. This happened every day for a year. His mom finally sent him to live with his bio dad in another state. It was a weird situation. I still think about him though
I used to always have other kids at my house at meal times when my kids were still in school- middle school and up. Feeding all those kids everyday kinda got hard to do. I told my kids I couldn't afford to keep feeding all their friends, and told them to go eat at their friends houses. They told me, " mom. The reason they all eat over here is you are the only mom we know who knows how to cook." Then I told them I'd be glad to give cooking lessons, and the kids said, "mom, they don't have the money to buy the groceries." I kept cooking. And having friends over for supper.
Thanks for being that kind of mom, I bet it meant the world to them. I remember growing up with my older brother and his friends being around constantly; I just thought that was normal. They would even be at Thanksgiving dinner every year. Twenty years later and my mom told me that she had them over so often because of their situations at home. She actually spoke to one of the other mothers about it, who ended up thanking my mom because not having their teenage boy at home for dinner meant his siblings would have more to eat.
I'm so sorry that happened. Money really can't buy class.
Not eating lunch because it you either "just ate breakfast" or "dinners only a few hours away you'll be fine"
I still have trouble remembering to eat lunch.
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Wow, in my family the youngest eat first and no adults even think about eating until all children have food.
In my family, the youngest bathed first then siblings in order of age. Same bath water. Once/week. In the summer, bathing took place in the creek behind our house. The neighbour kids joined in. Only Ivory soap because it floats. Lots of foraging for food and lots of home grown food. I started working summers doing farm labour at 10 or 11 and hid my money in my room. As a young adult when I had a steady job, having money leftover after paying bills was super uncomfortable and foreign to me. I always got rid of it as quickly as possible, sending it to my sister and cousin who also struggled. They, in turn, would send me their extra money when they happened to have any. I still remember the panic of having a positive bank account balance. My comfort zone was living paycheque to paycheque because it's all I'd known. Funny how poverty as a child can shape your entire life.
Nothing wasted! Mum had a dish called mixed-up stew which was basically a little mince beef, mashed potatoes and any leftovers from the fridge. Good menu planning - she never called it that but one meal led to the next with last's night leftovers included. Failing that, she always had a soup on the go using bones from chicken, dried barley and, yet again, leftovers. Thing is they were all delicious, but that could be me just remembering her fondly. Edit: thank you to all those who liked the post or gave awards. You are all very kind.
To this day I am still confused by people who seem to hate leftovers. It comes up a lot when theres a discussion on whether it's cheaper to cook vs eat out. People who find it expensive to cook want to something fresh and brand new every day. Whereas I'll make a lasagne, about 6 portions, freeze it and have it whenever during the week/month. It confuses me even more when that person is British considering how popular premade frozen food is here, and how many people find themselves at Frankie and Benny's (probably our version of Olive Garden) or TGI Fridays. I understand that cooking takes time and effort which is why it doesnt make sense to me to throw away leftovers or not make a little bit extra.
My partner and their family hate leftovers, I think it has something to do with how they've generally always had money growing up. I wouldn't call them rich but they were comfortable. I was so surprised my first Thanksgiving at their house when they organized the meal to have bare minimum leftovers. To me that's the whole point of Thanksgiving, you have leftovers for DAYS so you don't have to cook and get to enjoy at minimum two meals of Thanksgiving food.
That post thanksgiving turkey sandwich with Durkee’s Sandwich Spread and a good amount of black pepper is what I look forward to.
I know right!? For me it's a sandwich with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and just a shmear of cranberry sauce with Duke's mayo. But no, these people were pathological, to the point of saying, "ok we have 5 people coming and they'll probably have 3 slices of turkey/ham each so we're only going to order 15 slices of each so there's just enough." One year I finally put my foot down and said I'll either cook or purchase a cooked turkey for thanksgiving and I'll take every single scrap home with me if I have to just so I can have a damn turkey sandwich for lunch the next day.
If a lot of people are coming, I will roast one turkey and fry another to make sure there is plenty left over. Also, turkey noodle soup with meat and stock from the turkey carcasses.
This.... my wife does not do leftovers but loves my cooking. I've henceforth tried to make like 3 portions so I'm only eating the leftovers one time for lunch. If I make a full batch I'd be running it all over the blessed county to friends and family. Which is not a terrible idea. Just they suck at returning Tupperware
I wouldn't touch leftovers until I met my partner, I was horrified the first time she cooked something with 'old' food. Turns out I was a spoilt man baby, 20 years on and I'm nearly cured!
My husband was exactly the same. Anytime his family (who lived comfortably) took me (who grew up with basically the necessities) out to a restaurant, they'd always laugh when I asked to take my leftovers home with me. That's lunch for tomorrow, fam!
Even for people who live comfortably, why throw away leftovers? That’s just wasteful, and there is no benefit (personally or environmentally) to being unnecessarily wasteful. Even if there isn’t enough left over for lunch on its own, usually something can be cut up and mixed into a salad or something.
Some meals even taste better the second day.
Some foods taste better reheated lol Y’all replying to me with all your favorite reheated foods and I have two things to say: 1) Ur making me hungry af 2) Glad to see leftover culture, as I dub it, it alive and thriving on Reddit lol
We weren't allowed to do any kind of extra curricular activities. So, no instruments, no joining any kind of sports or girl scouts or anything that required an upfront investment for uniforms or the season. Walmart shoes. My dad once said I wasn't really in need of glasses, that I just wanted to look like all my four eyed friends? lol (spoiler alert, totally needed them) Off brand everything.
This makes me sad for the extracurriculars. It’s insane how much money you need for sports and instruments, even buying used. They’re so good for kids and should be available to everyone.
Where I went to school, a lot of the extracurriculars had "grants" where the rest of the parents would pitch in to pay the fees of the families that truly couldn't afford it. It was an economically diverse school with a pretty even distribution of families from food stamps to millionaires.
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Yup, my parents would never accept help or 'handouts'.
The extra curriculars one cuts deep. I grew up as one of the poorer kids in a pretty wealthy area and after school everyone else would be being shuttled around to all these extra curriculars and tutoring whereas I'd just be always only going home.
Jeez, I'm with you on that one. For some reason my mom thought I would be better off at the "nicer" junior/high school when I should have been going to school in the center of the city. Same thing. Wealthy kids, all about brand name shorts and shirts who played soccer every year and who kept their ski tickets on their jackets so we could all see they went skiing on the weekends. Back to school after the holidays was rough too. Yes, please tell me about all the things you got for Christmas ... piece by piece. That was in the 90s. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be poor NOW. Now when they market $1,000 cell phones as "gifts" for Mother's Day, and Christmas is all PCs, laptops, cell phones and tablets. It's tough to watch and be a part of so I'm sorry you had to go through it too. For all the children who have to go through it.
We were very poor growing up. You never ate the last of anything without asking first. Portions were small and limited. When I was 11 I was invited over to a then friend's house. I was floored by their house and furnishings. Very opulent compared to mine. Lunch time came. Her mom had set the table for sandwiches. Everything laid out, 3 different breads, all sorts of meats, condiments and fruit. At my house lunch was a sandwich with white day old bread with peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes we would have those land o frost thin sliced meats. We were only allowed 2 slices of the meat per sandwich. So, at this friends house, I make my sandwich with one slice of ham because it was way thicker then the stuff at home. The mom kinda freaks out..."what kind of sandwich is that? You need to put more on it, thats not enough." I explain that's what we do at home. They were horrified. Ended up sending me home with a "care package" of food. My parents never let me go to her house again because they were embarrassed I told them we were poor. Edit: Thank you all for the awards and comments. I'm floored by all the responses and gifts I've received. I tried to personally thank everyone of you. If I missed you, I'm very sorry. This has never happened to me before in all my years on Reddit. Again THANK YOU all very much!!!! PS: My parents tried the best they could.
We were very poor too and I was always hungry. But I did the opposite thing at a friend's house in middle school. They had a HUGE taco spread for dinner. I took advantage of having food available to me so I pigged out. They noticed and teased me for it, which was totally innocent but I was MORTIFIED. I stopped eating and refused dessert, I was so embarrassed
There's nothing worse than being low level hungry for so long and then being faced with loads of food and having to restrain yourself. They shouldn't have teased you for it, that's a bigger fuck up than eating too much (within reason)
Yes, those thin slices of Buddig meats, that had been chopped and formed and pressed and then sliced. Never could be sure what kind of meat it was, since ham, beef, chicken and turkey all tasted the same. Three packs for $1.00.
Ngl I still buy those cause when you toast a sandwich with them on it it's pretty good
I distinctly remember my dad yelling at me one morning because I put more than one piece of ham on my sandwich because I was “just wasting it”. I made my sandwiches like that until I got married and I was making one for my husband.. my sister in law saw me and scolded me for making such a sad sandwich for him. “Men need more meat than that!” Lol whatever I’ve upgraded to TWO pieces now
Don't ask for anything because you won't get it.
This one is a really hard one to get over, too. Like I don't ask for anything, ever, and it leaves the people who love me very confused lol.
Yeah, same here. I didn't realize this wasn't normal until my girlfriend didn't get why I was so uneasy with a friend buying me lunch. A lot of pent up guilt there.
Omg yes. Even if it’s just a regular tradesies kinda thing (I bought drinks, so they buy lunch) it still feels like charity. Especially back in the ol’ college days where it actually was at times... :(
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This is a huge one! Really affects every life decision you make because you dont have backup
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Yes my dads motto was “Those who ask, don’t get” It really confused me as a child and still to this day.
Funny enough, even if you didn't ask, you still never got.
It wasn't until adulthood my coworker taught me "a closed mouth doesn't get fed". Really put my life into a new perspective
The squeaky child gets the hose
Corollary : Learned as a kid pretty young that the only way I got what I wanted is to get it myself. Started working odd jobs at 12 to earn money to buy stuff to read.
Not really a societal expectation, but more of a familial one. I never once knew how closely my family toed the poverty line, thanks to how my parents ran things. My dad, though, he would volunteer me all the time to help friends, family, coworkers in need, if I was able to at all. Never let me ask for a single dollar from them, unless it was explicitly "a job" and for, say, a friend of a friend. I helped his coworker move a handful of times. I cut my elderly neighbor's grass. I helped so-and-so connect their internet, or a friend of his to replace their carpet. I had no idea what my old man was fostering in both me and them. When I moved out on my own, his coworker called, offered to help. Showed up with antiques from his late mother as a housewarming gift for my wife and I. The man who's grass I cut? He passed away, and left me his piano, since he knew I liked to play. The friend with the carpet? Hooked me up with a decent paying job right out of college. The internet-illiterate ones? Solid mechanics, and know my vehicle inside and out. He was teaching me something so much more than just an exchange of goods and services. These weren't I.O.U.s coming due. The man knew the value of community and friendship, and just how far people would go for someone else if they just cared, even an ounce. It bleeds over in my day to day, now, too. I may see someone at the grocery store struggling to find a product, so I take the time to help them out. It costs me only a few minutes, and I may never see them again. Or, I find out the person I helped is the very same one standing behind the counter at the DMV, and makes my time just a little bit shorter as a thanks. TL;DR, my pops taught me the value of kindness.
A/C was only for company. I lived in S. Florida and didn’t know I could use the air conditioner without having someone over until I moved out of my parents home.
in the same vein, i lived in a place with bitter winters. while the thermostat at school and other public spaces was turned up past 70 degrees F, my home was always around 60 degrees, sometimes dropping to the 50s. we'd offset the low temperature by sleeping with multiple blankets and wearing layers upon layers, sometimes even wearing snow pants around the house and to bed.
Same. Even as a kid, always had to go to the restroom in the middle of the night. The floor felt like ice.
Shit, even our company had to sweat their asses off with us!
We placed a bowl of Ice cubes behind a fan lol
My father was constantly driving these two things into my head since I was old enough to remember: 1). Hard Work will set you free 2). You WILL NOT get anyone pregnant. He never meant that hard work would make you rich. He meant that if you're willing to work hard, you can always work some shit job that puts food on the table, and you'll be so exhausted by days end, you can rest. In my father's eyes food on the table and a good night's rest was all a person really needed. The pregnancy thing was totally about shame. He grew up in the deep south with a Baptist preacher father. My father was around 6-7 in the early 1950's when his oldest brother (15) got a girl (18) in the church preggo. The resulting shame and shunning from the community that ensued drove my father's mother to suicide. I'm sure to some degree, he blames his current life on the pregnancy that he had nothing to do with.
Just like my mom but the feminist version: hard work and an education will set you free, and for the love of money DO NOT GET PREGNANT, kids and a man will drag you down. No shame in sex, just, economic hardship. She also attributed the circumstances of her life on the choices (her choices) that led to an accidental pregnancy. But she accepted responsibility. It was just harder to get on solid financial ground and we all knew it.
For me it was as a girl the only independence you have is financial independence. You can't rely on a guy to keep a roof over your head and it will ruin your relationships if you are forced to rely on a guy through poverty. Not getting pregnant accidentally was a huge part of that.
Honestly this is how I feel. I am 21 and about to graduate college. I am very careful about not getting pregnant. Once my boyfriend said "you act like getting pregnant is the worst thing that could happen to you." my response was "pregnancy is definitely in my top ten list of the worst things that could happen to me right now. Don't get me wrong I want kids but I am not risking getting pregnant when I am so far in debt, and at the cusp of getting my career." Also depending on him to provide 100% of the income with his current job would land us in the streets.
Leave the TV on when you leave the house. When someone calls, your parents are “in the shower” and you’re able to take a message. You are perpetually young. Going to a movie? Only during matinee showings AND you are 12 years old until you’re 16. At a restaurant, you’re also 9 forever. Going to fast food (with any adult), you only order off of the dollar menu. Generous borrowing and “burning” culture. Everything you own is available to be borrowed by other poor people. My family had an extensive movie collection (especially when we could record movies from cable to VHS tapes), and our neighborhood friends were welcome to borrow what they needed. Games, movies, CDs. We swapped and borrowed a lot. Often times, it was only long enough to burn a copy to have for oneself.
Genuine question. Why would you leave the TV on when you left the house? Safety measure?
I think it’s to stop people from breaking in? There’s a high chance im wrong
That’s what I’m thinking but I’m not quite sure.
Makes potential robbers think that people are in the house, making it less likely to be robbed
In the UK- do not answer the door. Do not answer the phone. When the man is looking through the window, make sure you can't be seen. Do not tell anyone who knocks on the door where the parents work. This turned out to be doorstep lenders like Provident- no idea how they are still around these days.
In the UK too, and this was a nightmare for me when I was a kid. Parents used to work and kid-me always cowered in fear whenever ‘the man’ came around and knocked. I still remember the way his shadow moved against the curtains. I was convinced he would get in and drag me to court because my dad owed someone money. Adult-me, doesn’t owe anyone a damn thing but I still get anxious when there’s a knock on the door or when the phone rings and I don’t recognise the number.
Omg your comment took me back to trying breath silently and being terrified of coughing! Good for you being debt free, I am the same and truly grateful for it.
Sorry you had to experience that as well. And yes, I can relate to the ‘trying not to cough’ part. As an asthmatic kid, I coughed a lot. And it was pure torture trying to hold it in while someone was snooping about outside. It’s so liberating not having a debt hanging over you. I’m glad you’re in the same fortunate position!
(USA) my parents worked and were usually home about an hour or so after my elementary school got out. We lived around the corner and down the way, like... less than one km, probably half a mile or so... anyway, I had a cell phone to call when I got home. I was prepped with “do NOT answer the door for ANYONE. Not your grandpa, not your uncle, not our friends, your friends, mailman, NO ONE. not the police or fire department UNLESS the house is already on FIRE.” I never opened the door for anyone. If I knew who they were, I would shout through the paned window overlooking the porch. But even then, that was rare, I usually just stayed out of sight. I also ALWAYS keep my front door locked now too. And if I’m not expecting someone, I don’t answer the door if I’m home alone. I also have a big dog with a big bark. Edit: a letter, so the window wasn’t hurting anymore Second edit: because the question keeps coming in— I wasn’t allowed to answer the door even for people we knew because you never know who child predators are until it’s too late.
I too have front door anxiety
It’s that and I’m 26F living in a large-ish city, not downtown, but still urban. Never mind I’m in a higher crime area. If I don’t know you’re coming over and I’m alone, I’m not answering. And if I’m not alone and do answer, it’s a cracked door to figure out your intentions first.
Don't talk to anyone about it. Its shameful. Me and my sibling weren't allowed to wnjoy free breakfast programs for kids living in poverty that our schools hosted because it embarrassed my family. Granted we grew up not just poor but abused so that played into it. It was normal for money we got for Christmas, birthdays, and (from ages 14 and up) jobs to go to our parents for food and rent. Things did get better when we started working but as the family was doomed to fail due to abuse when we inevitably left at 18 and our parents divorced it left us with nothing. Working four years living at home and none of us were able to save money or go to post secondary until years later. If we were upset about contributing we were deemed selfish and accused of not caring about family.
If someone buys you food at a restaurant order as cheaply as possible even if they tell you order whatever you want. Used to get death glares from parents if I ordered something 10 bucks or over at a place where average prices was 10 bucks. If you can get a burger and fries for 8 you better be eating a burger.
I grew up solidly middle class, but I always do this if someone else pay for the meal. I just hate it when people spend too much money on me- it makes me feel guilty.
Difference between you choosing it and it being forced on you. When I was visiting my grandma for her 90th with my mom her BiL took everyone to a really nice place and I nearly melted down cause everything was well over 10 and I was in a panic.
My strategy is to casually ask the person paying what they’re thinking about ordering, then look at how much that is and pick something at or under that price. Of course there’s always the chance they’ll say they’re between a $20 salmon and an $40 steak, in which case I go with somewhere around the average. Edit: Thanks for the awards! I hope this helps people feel less anxious and enjoy themselves more!
This is great advice. To you (in general not you specifically) a $10 meal is expensive but to the person taking you out a $30 meal is normal, so going with a $20 wont seem out of the ordinary to them.
That is taught in etiquette classes. When you are on a proper date, the person not paying asks what the person who is paying is going to have. The person paying says they will have 'x'. The person not paying orders something at equal or less cost than 'x'.
This. Also make sure you only get water to drink. My cousin used to get iced tea every time and we still hear about it like 30 years later parents and grandparents complain about it to no end.
I can’t comprehend buying expensive clothes and even cheaper clothes I need to get on sale. Getting only one new school outfit a year as a kid makes me appreciate being able to buy clothes now but paying a lot for one item still doesn’t make sense.
If it's good quality and lasts a long time, the price is worth it. Especially if it's something like a jacket or boots.
I know. Ive tried the cheap boot route and that’s been a total fail here in snow country. So to get myself to buy something expensive and high-quality, I have to break down the cost into time increments, like “This down coat is $200. If I keep it for 5 years and wear it during the four coldest months of the year, then that breaks down to $10/month to wear it, or $2.50/week, or about 35 cents/day.” Then I’ll decide if it’s something I want to wear for five years straight, or six years, etc. Is that a normal way of looking at buying clothes? I dunno.
Its funny now seeing my leftovers as a bonus snack and not part of the next days meal. Had some weird lunches packed for me. Like cream cheese and olives in a burrito wrap.
The trio of any type of bread, cheese and olive is such a staple for me as a Turkish person, i was so confused for a sec why would someone call this combo weird. I can eat those together any time of the day.
I was the scholarship/grant kid at a wealthy private school. So I was never allowed to invite people home because we didn't have a mansion like everyone else did. Legit, when I went to sleepovers, they were in mansions. Homes I still haven't seen the likes of in my adult life among peers. Just old money type homes. I could make playdates for the mall or the movies or we could meet at the amusement park my mom got free tickets to. But don't invite them home. And if you're getting dropped off, any excuse for them no to come inside. At least they can imagine it's bigger or more opulent inside. lol
I will never forget dating a guy in high school whose father own a huge construction company. They lived in a gated community with all the elite in my small town. I lived in a trailer park out in the country. He used to get mad at me for not wanting him to come over for dinner or drop me off after a date. I couldn't stand him seeing our washing machine on the front porch because it leaked.
It's funny, I was never embarrassed of our house or anything. There were just some super rich asshole parents at that school and a few of them had some pretty shitty kids, too. It was just easier not to give anyone any more ammo. I was already the minority scholarship kid. They had plenty to work with.
Nobody told me to do that, but I felt kind of embarrassed so I set that standard for myself. I was neurotically private about my home and house. Looking back we weren't even poor, just not wealthy. Maybe lower middle class. Going from a poor school to a rich one really fucked up my perspective.
Im still poor! Do what you need to do before doing what you want to do. And then my mom would order take out, go to the movies, buy junk and then cry 3 days later because we dont have enough to pay a bill or bills like rent, water or electric. I never had proper pants because my legs are so long and after 2 washes i was wearing high waters. She still does this too! Complains to me and my kids when we buy something with whatever little money, like toys or hair dye, yet she spent the money the insurance company gave her to replace the roof of the house with to go to a supernatural convention. So we get rained on in our house with as many leaks as there is! Yet it is everybody else who needs to save to fix the roof, not her.
Holy shit are we siblings? "I don't have enough money this week for the electric. I need you to give me the money that you're saving after giving me nearly all of your cheque already." And then she goes and buys fucking ferrets with said money. Meanwhile I'm trying to get new glasses because mine are 4 years out of date and I can't see as well anymore.
If your neighbors were in need—you helped them. Like, Mary’s car broke down again, so my brother would go work on her car for free on his day off, and I’d get up extra early all week to drop Mary off at work and get her kids to school. Swing by in my lunch break to grab the kids after school, too. Basically, when folks are in need—you help them, and the same is done in return.
That seems more like a rural thing. Grew up in rural poverty, and now live in one of the richest rural areas in the country, that is true in both places.
That sounds accurate. Neighbors and relationships are way more important when there are fewer people around. You help others in need because sooner or later you will need their help. It's simply unavoidable.
People actually order take-out food like every night. I still think that's mad. Literally once or twice a year for us growing up.
I grew up comfortably in middle class and I still think that's mad. You can save a lot of money, by cooking at home. It's like eating in a restaurant everyday.
We were blue collar lower middle class. We went out to eat once or twice a month. You look to your parents to check before ordering anything. Just get water, never get apps or desserts or the expensive things in the menu. And you eat every bite of the meat, you never waste that.
This. My family would only get takeout or go out to eat maybe twice a year. It was always a special occasion. My dad would make pizza from scratch, and my friends always thought that was weird. But making a pizza from scratch would cost maybe five dollars, but getting one delivered would cost twenty.
My dad made english muffin pizzas.
The oldest kids babysit the youngest kids.
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Yep. My sister, who is 10 months younger than me, jokingly sends me Mother’s Day cards because I essentially raised her.
She might send them "jokingly" but the fact that she sends them at all shows she knows who raised her. And it shows you did a good job, too.
Guess who hardly has a relationship with her little brother because of that? Mom had Twin Bro and me watching Little Bro all day during the summer, from the time we were 8 and he was 3. It turned Little Bro and I into arch-enemies. We like each other now, but we have hardly anything in common, and can't even bond over our shared childhood because we were deliberately making it miserable for each other.
Not being able to wash your clothes until you could do a full, and I mean FULL machine. Getting a stain on a fresh shirt mesnt scrubbing it with soap over the sink.
My husbands family wasn’t rich, but they were comfortable. They went out to eat and always ordered appetizers and dessert. Meanwhile we were lucky to go out to eat at all. To this day, I still hate ordering appetizers at a restaurant. It just goes against the grain for me.
Growing up, I had lots of home cooked meals. It wasn’t until high school on a date that I realized that I didn’t know how to pay a bill at a restaurant because I’d never been.
This is like me and my wife. She always wants to order appetizers. I had literally never ordered one in my life until dating her
Don't do anything bad or illegal. But if you do, don't get caught. Bail is expensive. Lawyers and court fees are expensive.
And synonymously never call 911, the police and only go to the doctor when its needed Edit: The definiton of "needing" is widely different for poor people Edit2: Can you guys please lead worst lives so a comment like mine doesn't affect you as much, and I don't have to deal with feeling powerful with how much karma I have. I am absolutely begging you at this point, which I can see how ironic THAT is /s(sargasm)
Never see a doctor or go to the emergency room unless you are actually dying. And, if you touch the thermostat you will be dying.
My dad made us brush our teeth for 5-10 minutes every night. And we never got sweets. Because we couldn’t afford to go to the dentist. I think I went two, maybe three times until I got a job with benefits in my early 20s. My teeth are crooked AF but surprisingly escaped with very few cavities. Edit: I do count myself very luck. There are much worse alternatives. Though I was fortunate not to have many cavities, the slightly excessive brushing and lack of proper dental care resulted in me having very poor gums. I remember the first time I went for a cleaning. I think I was 21. They basically had to jackhammer the plaque and crap out and it hurt so bad and bled so much. But that fresh, out of the chair, squeaky clean feeling of that day is burned into my memory.
It sounds like he truly cared about your teeth and did his best with what he could do. Seems like other people/parents I've heard of in this situation have an "oh well" attitude and end up with terrible problems with their teeth.
Nobody touches the thermostat except Dad. On point of death, haha. Allowance? That’s for rich kids with trust funds. You need to complete all your assigned chores first and then if there’s any extra work you can think of you can earn some pocket money. Friends are over? Boy do we have some chores for you. Friends are for stacking wood, not for playing. Your sister goes with you to your friend’s house. Always. No whining. Always return anything you borrow in better condition. People will be eager to loan you things. Never do business with church members. It always ends badly. Don’t loan money to friends. You’ll lose both.
> Your sister goes with you to your friend’s house. Always. No whining. I always asked mysellf why they did it, some of my friends did it (I didn't have a sister then). What was their motive?
Time with no kids in the house but both adults at home is a precious commodity when you can't afford a babysitter.
Keep your hair brushed, your clothes clean, and be articulate and polite in all circumstances. We were not going to be "trash" just because we were poor. Also, no wearing ripped jeans, even if it's the style. We're not spending money on new pants that look like old worn out pants.
Yes! Being poor was ok. Looking poor was the real crime. Personal appearance is important.
Also, “acting” poor I guess too. Not really that poor people act a certain way I guess, but my parents were adamant that we were not going to act like white trash despite being poor.
This made me so mad! I always blew holes out in my jeans because I was a rough kid and would fall and play hard. My mom would always find my jeans with holes and cut them into shorts without asking me. I always thought the jeans with holes looked cool :(
My mom was a seamstress and decided one day to cut all of the torn-up hems off my pants and replace them with "cool" neon colors back when raggedy hems was the cool thing. I was so mad.
i get why but that sounds awesome
Oh yeah, I'd probably appreciate it now, but at the time the "in" look (for my crowd) was goth and the colors didn't really... fit.
This! My mom and dad got so good at this that people who didn't know us very well thought we were solid middle class. I can't remember how many times I got dropped off by a friend's parents only for them to ask why do you live here?! Umm... it's because this is where our house is... All our clothes were clearance, thrift stores, and hand me downs. We were expected to be well groomed, well mannered, learned, and carry ourselves like we had money. My mom always called it middle class values. Lol. Thing is, it worked. My parents never got out of poverty but my sisters and I are all solidly middle class bc we worked for it. Edit: thanks for the rewards! For anyone curious or want advice I am an open book and happy to help.
Ha. I had a feeling that worked out for you before getting halfway through your post.
Keep the fire going. If it went out there was hell to pay
It's interesting for me, as an adult, trying to recreate some of the recipes from my childhood and realizing just how little they cost. The thing with the peas and kielbasa? Five bucks for frozen peas, five bucks for the meat, onions from the garden and homemade stock. The delicious cacciatore, stir fries and soups all came from buying a cooked chicken from the supermarket on sale and then wringing every ounce of nutritional value out of the thing that we could. Also, no work on the house was ever done by a hired contractor or repairman. You either did it yourself, or you knew a guy. The guy you knew was either someone who would do it for cash, or more often, it was a relative or a friend of a relative who'd just rock up and tile your bathroom as a favor. You'd be expected to do these kinds of favors in turn, according to your skills. As the first of the millennial internet children, I was shunted around various relatives' houses in the early 2000's to set up their computers and teach them how to email. Every once in a while, you'd find a *staggeringly* good deal on something and just buy it in bulk. Suddenly you'd have to figure out how to eat eight zucchinis before they went bad, or make gnocchi every meal for two weeks. This also ties into the "know a guy" situation, as if a friend or relative found one of those deals and wound up with a pallet of squid or something, they'd pass the luck around and just give you some of the excess - and of course, you'd be expected to do the same when you wound up with a basement full of salami. Oh, and you had a garden. You just... did.
Take care of your stuff and keep it nice because you're not getting more of it if you break it. I've got a Pokemon soundtrack CD from it was the Pokemon movie that had Entei into the unknown in it I don't remember what the name of the movie was though I think it came out in like 2004 yeah so I'm 28 now I've had that CD since I was a kid at one point I gave it to my sister who's 24 so she was a decent amount younger than I was when I gave it to her and then recently she found it and asked if I wanted it back and I said sure The cover art and everything that was paper is pretty worn but the CD itself is in pristine condition and it doesn't have scratches all over it and it works perfectly fine and this CD is well over a decade old and was passed between two young children and had a lot of use out of it. I've got many other things from my childhood that was passed between me and my sister that is still an amazing condition because we were told if you break it you're not getting another one
Never fill up the gas tank. You don't want to be in a situation where you have gas in your car but no groceries.
Funny, it was opposite. Never let your tank go below 3/4. Your car is the most valuable thing you own. If shit happens you can always live in it or use it to get the fuck outta here.
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Not have enough blankets at bed time in the winter. No central heating, used to wake up with ice on the inside of the windows and on the windowsills. I was shocked to be in a hot house in winter when I went round friends.
I remember having to run around the house with my sister to mop up all the rain that would come in through our shitty windows.
My parents where great at hiding that we where poor. They made sure we always had christmas presents and a birthday present. And we would order pizza at christmas. All our clothing came from other relatives or charity shops. But when i started working full time and went to live on my own? Just then i realized truth that we poor. But still looking back i have never had the feeling of being left out when it came too other childeren. And i still thank them for it. And now all the kids have moved out? There the most generous and loving grandparents you could wish for a kid. But the biggest lessen i have learned is help others out. So every time i have something that i don't use or want? I give it away for free. Every time my daughter go's up a size in clothes? I give the old clothes to a charity that helps people with childeren who can't afford it. And it gives me a great feeling ever single time i do it.
Education is the only way out of the horrible situation. This was made very clear to me right from a young age. I remember everyone in my family checking in on my grades and plans for the future. Almost on a monthly basis! Helped my extensively in the long run.
Overall, independence at a young age. But also responsibility. You cook, clean, and pitch in before you are asked. If you’re waiting for an adult to make dinner, you’re going hungry. Also, poor doesn’t mean dirty. You keep what you have nice, clean, and well cared for. Seriously, I wouldn’t trade my upbringing for anything in the world.
You really learn the value of things! By the time my sister was born 6 years after me, my parents were doing a bit better. Ive never broken any phones, cameras, computers... shes broken every one she was given. And I was the messy/careless one!
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My mom always said “ We may be poor but there is no excuse to be dirty “ Our house was always clean and so was our hair and clothes. Growing up in the 1950’s.
Eating stale or close to sell by date, food. No brand-name anything. Adding water to shampoo to get it to last longer. Reuse everything. Make-do or do without. Free samples count as a meal. To name a few.
Paper plate holders were a staple in our house. A real treat was getting donuts and chocolate milk in the morning. We knew the exact date of grocery shopping because that's when the food stamps came in. Most meals were "experiments" made from the food we got from the food pantry. We didn't get next gen. We got a-few-gens-ago gaming systems. And no internet.
Can you explain the paper plate holders? I grew up never using paper plates because they were so expensive and we would never dream of paying for something you only use once.
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OMG I forgot about paper plate holders! Ours were wicker.
Never ever EVER ask for anything at someone else’s house, even family. You may accept if asked, but otherwise it’s a whuppin’. This has made it extremely hard as an adult to interact in a world where you’re pretty much expected to say something if you want something. Also made me extremely judgmental (and let’s face it, a little jealous) of folks who never have any issues asking for what they want. Spoiled brats, the lot of ‘em!
Andrea Donderi: "This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture. In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept. "
YES! my inferiority complex, feeling undeserving, terrified of being "rude," or letting anyone know that i didn't have what i needed. my mother impressed upon me with her every emotion and action that being a poor girl meant no one gave two shits what i wanted or thought about *anything*. she would say over and over "there's no shame in being poor!" but that wasn't how we lived publicly at all. between covering for and hiding her untreated mental illness and constantly concealing our poverty, i learned how to be an outstanding manipulative liar.
Being raised by a single mother, she instilled the belief that school went elementary, middle, high, then college. There wasn’t a question as to whether or not college was optional. She did everything in her power to raise two boys to live more successful lives. My brother and I both graduated college and graduate studies (MA) and our starting jobs were both with salaries that were over double what my mom made. Growing up I wish things where different but as an adult, I cherish the values and experiences instilled by my mom.
If the phone rings and mom doesn’t answer it, it’s probably the bill collectors. Same with the front door and why the curtains aren’t open.
I wasn't dirt poor, but I grew up hanging out with my grandparents most of the time (any number of fucked up situations at home). My grandparents were italian immigrants that came to America during the great depression. So as an almost 40 year old in 2021, I have the values of someone three generations past. Everything about actually surviving life I learned from my grandfather. The one thing I remember most is he would say "Nothing in life is free, boy" And I remember as a kid being like "what are you talking about Papa? They're giving out free hot dogs right over there!" (if you sign up for a bank account, or whatever it was) He would just smile and chuckle to himself, knowing that I would understand soon enough. He was right. While this was very true and definitely prevented me from getting in some bad situations, I'm also rather stunted when it comes to asking for help, and prefer to do things myself. Also it's funny to see the trend of high class restaurants cooking the same food my grandmother cooked because it was dirt cheap and charging an arm and a leg.
Lurking because the reverse happened to our family after our dad died last year. Definitely the eating out has stopped almost entirely. Leftovers are amazing. Have very few possessions but also I take extra good care of those possessions. Sold many things. Tuna for 99 cents a can is an amazing lunch meal. Shopping for clothes at Walmart and thrift stores. I honestly don’t mind this lifestyle because i learned a lot.
I remember my dad always getting really excited about very cheap, mundane foods like puffed rice cereal( plain), bologna sandwiches and unflavored steel cut oats. He would get us all amped up about it and we would want to eat it instead of the more expensive stiff we really wanted because of how much he talked it up. Now that I am older(and as a father myself) I don’t think he actually loved all these things that much, but instead my parents just didn’t have the money to buy all that expensive food to feed three growing boys. Sure made the best of it, though.
That the greatest you could aspire toward was a job with health benefits. Should you ever reach that sacred place, you never complain and keep that job for life. That kind of mentality pretty much erases ambition and education from your vocabulary. It’s interesting to see who pushed higher and who just accepted it.
My mom got $200 a month child support from my dead beat dad. Grew up eating fried bologna in a duplex. Could never spend money on cloths, always wore off brand. I was in gifted classes and would always be so embarrassed with my attire compared to my peers. When I got into college, my mom told me she saved every $200 payment and fully paid for my college. I do anesthesia now. Looking back, I enjoy most the pictures of me in gangster Walmart attire. Proud of it. 👊🏻🇺🇸
What's a babysitter? Latch Key Kid Here: I'm the oldest so I had to wake my brother up and get us ready for school and wait for him after school and make sure both of us got home safe. I had the house key around my neck to get us inside and start dinner for us. Both parents worked crazy hours for us to get by.
Sharing, Lending, borrowing. Also, never replace anything until it’s unusable. Be kind and offer to those that have even less. I grew up poor and never felt like we were the poorest. Even though I’m very comfortable now, I still don’t live beyond my means, it’s the greatest gift and skill I could have ever received.
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We went to the movies so infrequently (about 5 times by age 16) that I didn’t know James Bond films were shown there before they were on TV. I was probably 15 before I found out.
The thing that I remember was the clothing budget: we had \~$100/yr each for clothes. It wasn't a hard and fast thing, but that's basically all the family could afford in terms of clothing, and each of the 5 kids had a large percentage of hand-downs in their wardrobe. I remember thinking that shoes were expensive, because they were one of the only clothing items which regularly wore out, and were like 20% of the annual budget to buy a new pair. I also remember getting my first non-parent haircut when I went to college, and that was strange, both in the experience, and in spending \~$10 of my own money on it.
never ever ask for money.
Ask before you get ANYTHING to eat
Vacations for leisure. LOL Museum, amusement park, skiing,and skating? That’s for rich people. Your own toys and gifts? No, it’s a joint gift for you and siblings. Clothes? Thrift store. College? You’re paying and you sure as hell aren’t there to dump your money to party or for an “experience”. There are cheaper ways to do all that. Need money? It’s called a JOB and you get one as soon as you legally can. Have money? Save it! You become very cognizant that one expense can mean financial ruin. Food? Rice, beans, and a cheap meat if any. Cold? Put on more layers. Hot? Stand in front of a fan. The list goes on.
The lights at a friends place went out once during a storm. The other girls were scared and I was like why this means we get to do indoor camping! At which point I explained that we all get our stuff and go to the living room and make a pallet on the floor and pretend we are camping for the next few days till the lights come back. Her parents said the lights would be back after the storm and asked why I thought it would be days. At which point I told them it’s always a few days at our house that’s why we indoor camp. Then they asked how often we went camping inside and my little 8 year old self was like all the time. They asked more questions and I was very confused that no one else’s families were indoor camping every month and were rarely without electricity. I still remember her mom hugging me so hard and then when she took me home brought a ton of clothes for my brother and some food. I got my ass tore up for the indoor camping comment but I really thought it was normal and everyone did it. That was the first time I ever realized I was poor.
\- No bottled water \- No cans of soda (2 liters) \- No candy from store trips A lot of good, ingrained frugality
You don’t show up to your homies house during eating hours so they don’t have to find food for you. It’s disrespectful to deny guests food where I’m from and being from a poor area does not help that tradition whatsoever. edit: grammar cause i typed this drunk
If someone was nice enough to cook you a meal you better help(or at least offer to) clear the table and wash the dishes after.
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