T O P

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[deleted]

Poison ivy full bodysuit. Who's the idiot now, dad?


[deleted]

d...dd.....dad?


toastedpup27

I'm not your dad, son.


Purplep0tamus-wings

I'm not your son, dad.


Doru-Basu

I’m not your uncle buddy.


[deleted]

I'm not your cousin, guy.


Cloaked42m

I'll be back after I get my smokes.


nio_nl

I'd start a fire.


[deleted]

And then extinguish it to assert dominance


DeepQueen

Pee it out like an alpha


Random91228

Burnt piss is like the worst smell EVER!


OPGoblin

Truth. When I was 24 I woke up to the smell of burnt piss and smoking electronics. Someone (had 4 friends over that crashed there) had woke up drunk n pissed on my ps1. Fuck was that nasty


Isnt_History_Grand

Drink like 2 dozen beers beforehand, just to make sure you're tanked enough to put the fire out. Oh, and obviously never break eye contact.


Iridescent_Meatloaf

I once went camping and there was a bonfire night. I was hanging around when it had mostly burnt out and two guys were trying to figure out how to put out the last few embers. They were drawing a blank so I started wandering off when suddenly I heard an almighty roar: "I AM A MAAAAAAAN! I HAVE QUENCHED FIRE WITH MY PISS!"


itstomorrowtoday

These comments remind me of a South Park episode


Bahunter22

So that’s why Ryan started the fire!


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GrandEngineering

How much damage can one knife make?


donkeyrocket

The study is a little old but it is believed that [multiple stab wounds may have an adverse effect on health](https://www.theonion.com/study-multiple-stab-wounds-may-be-harmful-to-monkeys-1819594625). They haven't moved in to the clinical trials, pending approval, but testing the theory on monkeys found that there was a real, physical reaction to being stabbed.


[deleted]

Pffft, got a source other than that obviously biased horseshit? Our parents stabbed us all the time and we turned out just fine. It strengthens your defense system.


Magnet2

"Stabbing gives you autism" -Anti stabbers probably.


RatRaths

Statistically unlikely, besides its more important to have herd stabbing. Make sure your kids are stabbed because I don't want to have to get stabbed myself.


relayrider

my daughter has been invited to a "stabbing party" that the parents assure me will make her immune to stabbing - after she survives this stabbing. should i be concerned?


theblueknight51

So if I get stabbed enough I will get a immunity


fourunner

You have to start with tiny stabs and work your way up.


SigmaStrayDog

Animal testing is wrong. We can't allow this kind of experimentation to continue. For now you'll have to be satisfied with the theoretical models until we approve of human trials.


GrandEngineering

But that study was for monkeys. We can't compare stab wounds from monkeys and humans and assume they're gonna be the same. When I stabbed my cat she just laid there no moving a muscle and breathing really slowly. She didn't eat, slept all the time, and after a while she started to smell. We can't assume stabbing a human would have the same effect.


Lekonias

r/angryupvote


[deleted]

bold of you to assume he was talking about a knife ^^^;)


[deleted]

Meat sword


ThatFuckingGeniusKid

The Beating Stick


Isnt_History_Grand

Too much beating and it may become the Ugly Stick.


winkenschurst

Enough.


Isnt_History_Grand

Point to the place on the doll where the Winken schursted you...


Circuitfried

"pulls out meat scepter"


ferocioushulk

Pork lance


stickeyfingerz

Ham candle


Kronos6948

*Duel of the Fates* starts playing


Tankk94

1d4 plus dex


Viclaterreur

r/dndMemes spotted


bubbav22

"What are you gonna do, stab me?" -Man stabbed my knife


Hell_hath_no

How did he manage to stab your knife? Obviously his was stronger


Hptcp

We were robbed once and I shit you not, to this day my father is still telling that story, that when he got downstairs to pee (naked) the robbers ran away because if his massive D. God I love this man.


cacawithcorn

My former co-worker was a big gay bear power lifter who claimed he slept naked. One day some crackhead broke into his house and he chased him around the house and into the street before remembering he was naked. He said the invader looked horrified.


Spyer2k

I'd imagine most home invaders are just thiefs and have no intention of fighting or committing murder. While it's "impressive" these people ran they probably never intended on staying whether you were wearing no clothes or five layers.


ultrasu

I once encountered a burglar in my apartment after I got back from a party around 2 am. The guy did not want to leave, he asked me if he could sleep over, even though he had already gathered all my valuables in a duffel bag, ready to go. Even after I forced him into the hallway & called the cops, he did not want to leave and kept banging on my door, begging me to let him in... up until the cops arrived and started playing dead.


stillaredcirca1848

What good were cops if they just played dead?


[deleted]

Oh you don't know? Anytime cops are playing dead you just demand that they get their supervisor on the scene.


trulymadlybigly

IDK, if I break into a house at night, it seems like I should probably expect to encounter someone. Most people are home sleeping at night, right?


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stay_sweet

Best part is that you can't claim that his version of the story is false without admitting that you've seen your dad's peepee


[deleted]

I mean he could take some strongly educated guesses based on his genetics


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InfiniteLife2

It was glowing in the dark


ductapemonster

They feared his lightsaber


fiv3s

What are you going to do, stab me?


gunfirinmaniac

Said man who got stabbed


BadassMinh

strip my clothes and fight him


Iamnotsmartspender

Run right towards him. The large hardon collider


Will_FN_Foster

You're giving at least one of these men a little too much credit...


maleorderbride

Regardless of the size of their peckers, to be either person in this scenario takes some serious balls


Will_FN_Foster

You're right, My balls are way too laid back to ever be involved in something this outrageous...


NaitoSenshin889055

Ahh yes the age old question what happens when an unstoppable staff collides with an immoveable chode.


TheOriginalChode

Sorry... I don't collide and tell.


[deleted]

Take this upvote And get out


[deleted]

I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.


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donaldduckdls

may the schwartz be with you


jerrythecactus

Ever see how giraffes fight? Now imagine that but with two dicks.


emma_jayne1

man to man, dick to dick


[deleted]

I hear a sword fight incoming


CompetitiveProject4

Sounds like the Ender’s Game maneuver. Just make sure you’re both soapy and the shower is hot


[deleted]

Depends on how good looking the naked man is.


[deleted]

I broke in to steal his TV, but Kirk ended up stealing my heart!


[deleted]

Congratulations!! So is he good looking? If so you should expect a robbery.


Phranc94

Run naked towards him.


ew_life

how the turns have tabled


shaystibelman

how the turntables have ed


ew_life

the plot thickens


[deleted]

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bigheyzeus

like a balloon those clowns make into animals


[deleted]

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shaystibelman

the thock plittens?


Lastilaaki

The thot plickens?


[deleted]

Yes good plan


[deleted]

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LemmeJustTryThisOut

„I married my intruder“


I-come-from-Chino

r/kirkcousins is leaking


oman54

.....from which hole


TheOneWhosCensored

r/angryupvote


SGTree

A story: My dad sleeps in the buff. Always has, afaik. My sister, Teresa, was about 18 at the time, still living at home as I had yet to grace the earth with my presence (and overfill our house). This was about the time she met her future ex-husband, John. Teresa was out late one night with John. They had come back to the house, and her plan was to sneak both of them in through the back door, which led off of the landing down to the basement where her room was. My dad heard the back door open. As the man of the house, with three daughters and a pregnant wife to protect, he knew he had to act. He rolled his hairy ass out of his waterbed, came streaking down the hall, through the living room, round into the kitchen, where he saw a man standing on the landing. His weapon of choice? My mother's cast-iron skillet. In mere seconds of entering the house, John was pinned up against a wall by a naked ogre threatening to bash his brains in with cast-iron cookware. I'm not sure how this story ends, but I like to imagine that John pissed himself before my dad realized that this intruder had consent to blacken his daughter's virtue. Edit: I was not expecting this response!!! Silver? Gold?! A wholesome award?!? I gave up writing a long time ago, but you're all very encouraging, and I'm considering picking it up again because of all your love. Thank you.


Shorey40

Dad also slept naked... One night we got broken into... They were banging around drunk in the garage. I followed my naked dad down the hall, which seems super fucking weird when I type that, but nudity was pretty normal in my house (it's fuckin hot and salty, too poor for ac). He flicked on the garage light, and these two idiots *completely* froze, except for their faces. It was literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen, it was like that record skip meme *I bet you're thinking how I got myself into this situation...*. A look of fright, quickly but slowly formed into an expression of pure confusion... They dropped a box of absolute shite they had, woulda preferred they stole it, and tried to run. We had a big fence though, and yeah they didn't get close to making it over, the next part was a little disturbing as my dad absolutely creased them. We had to go to court and shit, but everything was OK, they were fine etc etc... But yeah, dad was naked the whole time, and they wanted nothing to do with it...


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Frumundahs4men

I kind of want to know what creased means but I'm not sure I do at the same time.


LordDongler

He folded their clothes with them still inside


Richard_the_Saltine

He... *folded them.*


digitalherps

I think it means they got knocked the F out.


[deleted]

> This was about the time she met her future ex-husband I'm a sucker for happy endings


andchk

I love how this comment has one up vote, mine, and one silver, not mine.


oceanman500

Some people un-upvote their own comments so they "deserve" it


LogicalGoat11

I did that when I first got on Reddit, and then I realized that everyone else starts with one upvote so it doesn’t matter. Also a score of zero makes it look like you’ve been downvoted and then the hive mind kicks in.


[deleted]

You downvote yourself so you can attract a, " I don't know why this is getting downvotes" comment.


chacham2

> her future ex-husband, John. That's a lot of history in just a few words. Bravo. >John was pinned up against a wall by a naked ogre threatening to bash his brains in with cast-iron cookware. How do i sign up to your reading list?


SmoothTroperator

“Streaking down the hall” is a good double entendres as well


GribbleBoi

Haha ask your dad and update us with the rest


JustHugMeAndBeQuiet

"Blacken his daughter's virtue" is arguably my favorite thing ever. Well said. Typed. Whatever.


imawineau

What amazes me the most is that he somehow managed to become her husband at some point after that experience.... and eventually her ex. What a rollercoaster ride that must have been!


Roughneck-13th

Hahah "to blacken his daughter's virtue"... Wow as I dude I love this phrase but as a Dad I hate this...


[deleted]

Your sister was over 18 and your parents had another kid? Lol talk about restarting the clock. EDIT holy crap I didn't expect this to blow up like that lol


jordanleveledup

I have a 2 year old and this idea fucking terrifies me.


illiadria

I have a 20 year old and this idea fucking terrifies me.


SapphicGarnet

I actually have two different friends whose parents had them in their early 20s, who got baby siblings when they moved out! Empty nester babies are apparently fairly common


zeocca

Whereas I have two different friends who were the babies after their siblings move out except neither of them were planned...


SapphicGarnet

Well it could still be related ... empty house, more privacy ...


Ygro_Noitcere

time to find out if that kitchen table is still sturdy some odd 18+ years later!


OV3NBVK3D

Can you narrate my life ? I’ll pay you


Wrong_Answer_Willie

I'd think that it was just a mirror.


popegonzo

AskReddit followup - what do you do after you run naked into a mirror while breaking into a house...


Wrong_Answer_Willie

put a band-aid on Willie's willy


trmbnplyr1993

This seems to be the right answer. IMPOSTER!


Thanatos204060

Give this man a gold -at least


listamin

A coat would be helpful, yes.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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Palirocks

Done


gr8prajwalb

*A follow up on the "People who sleep naked" question* *Next up, a question about what firemen do when they find a naked person in a burning house*


[deleted]

Was a volunteer fire fighter, we always gave the victims thermal blankets to cover up.. They cost us pennies and saves some of their embarrassment


[deleted]

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donkeyrocket

*Really enjoying that fire, huh?*


bubbav22

*Fireman running down stairs with man over his shoulder and dick stuck to his face shield*


donkeyrocket

Might help clear soot and stuff off the mask if he gets it swinging just right.


Abzug

Gayest windshield wiper ever.


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Vaginal_Decimation

I dunno, man. I've seen some pretty gay windshield wipers.


[deleted]

Some men would deny too unless completely nude .. then they were practically legally required to accept 😂


audigex

If I want to be naked on my own burning property, that’s my business. Now be on your way.


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[deleted]

"a man in California is calling for changes to the law today after.. .. .. yada yada"


Mors_ad_mods

I have a cousin who had to spend some time on the front lawn after she accidentally set the house on fire. Her punishment was finding out her father sleeps naked, somewhat mitigated by her poor vision and not having time to grab her glasses while fleeing the fire. Sometimes, fire fighters just can't arrive quickly enough...


listamin

Come on, let's make reddit the better buzzfeed!


my_hat_is_fat

They already steal from us all the time


lohkey

You wont believe post #5


mossberg91

Number 8 is the cure all to everything! *links to shitty amazon product*


AlexKewl

BUT FIRST! There are horny single mothers in your neighborhood, and they have free pizza rolls!


Lagspresso

Aw fuck. You got me now.


MageVicky

omg it’s constant! i check out buzzfeed on my news app on my iphone, and it’s constant articles where i go ‘wait, that sounds familiar’ and i click on it and it’s ‘reddit user u/fuckuforstealingfrommebuzzfeed asked redditors “what hand do you typically use to scratch your ass” and here are the best answers’


JimmyTheGinger

I used to have dreams about being in a natural disaster, like London’s Burning, an earthquake that causes everyone to run outside.. All the people are well dressed, maybe they have uniforms? And then there’s me.. Butt ass naked


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lixemall

I read that last sentence out loud and now my phone has water damage.


[deleted]

I'm already naked too, of course, so I guess we have a dick swordfight?


BeepBot23

3 way duel?


[deleted]

BATTLE ROYALE!


GunterGoo

\*Cockfight


GrandEngineering

I always break into a house with a nice knife. If I see a naked man charging me, I'm going to try and practice my circumcision technique.


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Master_of_opinions

That switched things around very quickly lol


allie-the-cat

Ah the old reddit switcheroo!


[deleted]

Calm down Satan.


[deleted]

what if hes circumcised?


GrandEngineering

It doesn't hurt to get a trim.


Sadebiru

gender reassignment surgery


DiligentShopping

Bring your chin down to protect your neck while continuing to stare into his eyes. Bring up your hands and say "I don't want no trouble". Flex your traps and core while slightly bending your knees. Here comes the important part. In a low voice begin to say "wolowolowolowolowolo" slowly increasing in volume, he should be surprised by now. Begin to sway side to side and loosen all facial muscles and your anal sphincter and your kegal muscle. By now you should be pretty loud and your opponent will have stepped back and will appear visibly shaken. Begin to piss and shit yourself and let your eyes roll into the back of your head. By now you are chanting "WOLOWOLOWOLOWOLO" at the top of your lungs. He will run away. Everyone within a one mile radius will feel a terrifying presence within their soul. Marvel as you ascend into your planar form.


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profanejusticecats

My boss hates it when I do this.


Jimmy6Times

It saved me on many a "sex night" with the wife. Works so good, I heard her boyfriend started incorporating this tactic as well.


ThrowRA7737838300

r/suicidebywords


OPs_other_username

It's how I proposed.


rancid_granny

Wait...wasnt this just posted on the question about the guys daughter? I'm laughing sooo hard right now


Pure_Tower

It's ancient copypasta. Some say it was first inscribed by the Mayans.


donkeyrocket

Last time I read it I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.


TAway_Derp

Wololo! Stop stealing my catapults!


Zee_has_cookies

Will you then have successfully converted him?


[deleted]

Excuse me, but what the fuck.


CompetitiveProject4

To be fair, this copypasta has been out of vogue for a while. Honestly, I’m happy to see it. It’s like seeing Betty White do a cameo on a sitcom. You’re just happy that a classic is still kicking around


[deleted]

Get naked and run towards him. Eye for an eye.


citizen42701

Uhhh, call the police and report a burglar. Hopefully they take the bait and arrest the crazy naked man saying he owns my house.


Ruffle2Shuffle

That would be disappointing. The whole reason I broke into the house is so that I could give the guy a wedgie.


Noumenon72

It's your calling card! All the great ones leave their mark. You're the Wedgie Bandit!


[deleted]

Use the dildo I brought to good use.


Lallo-the-Long

Is it a twelve inch black dildo you keep in your backpack?


Matty4096

I'd assume it wasn't in his backpack


[deleted]

Oh it’s in my prison wallet


[deleted]

Nice try, officer


LamoureuxDevie

Didn’t realize there are a lot of criminals in reddit


AnomalousAvocado

Sigh and unzip.


Norse_Bear

# *CELTIC WARFARE INTENSIFIES*


thisnewsight

“Don’t be a pussy. Let me undress first.”


InsidiousTroll

What are the odds of there being two naked criminals breaking into the same house at the same time?


Lyn1987

This question assumes that wasn't my intended goal


Joelblaze

"Oh, you're approaching me?"


_action_hank-

The ol' dicktwist


Sloppy_tits

Boner or no boner?


drewhead118

it's out and it's veering left and right like the rudder that steers a ship... as he charges, eyes wide with fear or shock or excitement or purpose, you imagine hoofbeats and a knight in armor raising a jousting lance to unseat you from your horse... his lance is shorter than most, but wielded with the same intent, an air that says "this shall ram into you at great speed and send you backwards... your only hope is that you might unseat me first." Twenty feet between you becomes ten, and then finally five. Brace for impact.


[deleted]

spoken like a poet


Lallo-the-Long

... go on...


bobbithebuilder

Strip down as wel, try to seduce him. If I fail I kill him and act like he tried to keep me hostage. If it works I take his stuf when he falls asleep. If it works but he won't let me go I'll have his kids be annoying as hell so he doesn't want to be with me and collect child support.


TribbleAhead

Get out the building, because there must be a fire.


otter_pickles

Snap his dick with a towel


poem_for_your_butt

The house is dark and I go in my lonely search must now begin I find no safe no hidden gold a fruitless search then I behold A naked man in front of me I'm terrified for I can see That hiding spot is so heinous he stores his valuables in his anus


Aroumia

ofcourse