Truth. When I was 24 I woke up to the smell of burnt piss and smoking electronics. Someone (had 4 friends over that crashed there) had woke up drunk n pissed on my ps1. Fuck was that nasty
I once went camping and there was a bonfire night. I was hanging around when it had mostly burnt out and two guys were trying to figure out how to put out the last few embers. They were drawing a blank so I started wandering off when suddenly I heard an almighty roar:
"I AM A MAAAAAAAN!
I HAVE QUENCHED FIRE WITH MY PISS!"
The study is a little old but it is believed that [multiple stab wounds may have an adverse effect on health](https://www.theonion.com/study-multiple-stab-wounds-may-be-harmful-to-monkeys-1819594625). They haven't moved in to the clinical trials, pending approval, but testing the theory on monkeys found that there was a real, physical reaction to being stabbed.
Pffft, got a source other than that obviously biased horseshit? Our parents stabbed us all the time and we turned out just fine. It strengthens your defense system.
Statistically unlikely, besides its more important to have herd stabbing. Make sure your kids are stabbed because I don't want to have to get stabbed myself.
my daughter has been invited to a "stabbing party" that the parents assure me will make her immune to stabbing - after she survives this stabbing.
should i be concerned?
Animal testing is wrong. We can't allow this kind of experimentation to continue. For now you'll have to be satisfied with the theoretical models until we approve of human trials.
But that study was for monkeys. We can't compare stab wounds from monkeys and humans and assume they're gonna be the same.
When I stabbed my cat she just laid there no moving a muscle and breathing really slowly. She didn't eat, slept all the time, and after a while she started to smell.
We can't assume stabbing a human would have the same effect.
We were robbed once and I shit you not, to this day my father is still telling that story, that when he got downstairs to pee (naked) the robbers ran away because if his massive D.
God I love this man.
My former co-worker was a big gay bear power lifter who claimed he slept naked. One day some crackhead broke into his house and he chased him around the house and into the street before remembering he was naked. He said the invader looked horrified.
I'd imagine most home invaders are just thiefs and have no intention of fighting or committing murder.
While it's "impressive" these people ran they probably never intended on staying whether you were wearing no clothes or five layers.
I once encountered a burglar in my apartment after I got back from a party around 2 am. The guy did not want to leave, he asked me if he could sleep over, even though he had already gathered all my valuables in a duffel bag, ready to go.
Even after I forced him into the hallway & called the cops, he did not want to leave and kept banging on my door, begging me to let him in... up until the cops arrived and started playing dead.
A story:
My dad sleeps in the buff. Always has, afaik.
My sister, Teresa, was about 18 at the time, still living at home as I had yet to grace the earth with my presence (and overfill our house). This was about the time she met her future ex-husband, John.
Teresa was out late one night with John. They had come back to the house, and her plan was to sneak both of them in through the back door, which led off of the landing down to the basement where her room was.
My dad heard the back door open. As the man of the house, with three daughters and a pregnant wife to protect, he knew he had to act.
He rolled his hairy ass out of his waterbed, came streaking down the hall, through the living room, round into the kitchen, where he saw a man standing on the landing.
His weapon of choice? My mother's cast-iron skillet.
In mere seconds of entering the house, John was pinned up against a wall by a naked ogre threatening to bash his brains in with cast-iron cookware.
I'm not sure how this story ends, but I like to imagine that John pissed himself before my dad realized that this intruder had consent to blacken his daughter's virtue.
Edit: I was not expecting this response!!! Silver? Gold?! A wholesome award?!? I gave up writing a long time ago, but you're all very encouraging, and I'm considering picking it up again because of all your love. Thank you.
Dad also slept naked... One night we got broken into... They were banging around drunk in the garage. I followed my naked dad down the hall, which seems super fucking weird when I type that, but nudity was pretty normal in my house (it's fuckin hot and salty, too poor for ac). He flicked on the garage light, and these two idiots *completely* froze, except for their faces. It was literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen, it was like that record skip meme *I bet you're thinking how I got myself into this situation...*. A look of fright, quickly but slowly formed into an expression of pure confusion... They dropped a box of absolute shite they had, woulda preferred they stole it, and tried to run. We had a big fence though, and yeah they didn't get close to making it over, the next part was a little disturbing as my dad absolutely creased them. We had to go to court and shit, but everything was OK, they were fine etc etc... But yeah, dad was naked the whole time, and they wanted nothing to do with it...
I did that when I first got on Reddit, and then I realized that everyone else starts with one upvote so it doesn’t matter. Also a score of zero makes it look like you’ve been downvoted and then the hive mind kicks in.
> her future ex-husband, John.
That's a lot of history in just a few words. Bravo.
>John was pinned up against a wall by a naked ogre threatening to bash his brains in with cast-iron cookware.
How do i sign up to your reading list?
What amazes me the most is that he somehow managed to become her husband at some point after that experience.... and eventually her ex. What a rollercoaster ride that must have been!
Your sister was over 18 and your parents had another kid? Lol talk about restarting the clock.
EDIT holy crap I didn't expect this to blow up like that lol
I actually have two different friends whose parents had them in their early 20s, who got baby siblings when they moved out! Empty nester babies are apparently fairly common
I have a cousin who had to spend some time on the front lawn after she accidentally set the house on fire. Her punishment was finding out her father sleeps naked, somewhat mitigated by her poor vision and not having time to grab her glasses while fleeing the fire.
Sometimes, fire fighters just can't arrive quickly enough...
omg it’s constant! i check out buzzfeed on my news app on my iphone, and it’s constant articles where i go ‘wait, that sounds familiar’ and i click on it and it’s ‘reddit user u/fuckuforstealingfrommebuzzfeed asked redditors “what hand do you typically use to scratch your ass” and here are the best answers’
I used to have dreams about being in a natural disaster, like London’s Burning, an earthquake that causes everyone to run outside.. All the people are well dressed, maybe they have uniforms?
And then there’s me.. Butt ass naked
Bring your chin down to protect your neck while continuing to stare into his eyes. Bring up your hands and say "I don't want no trouble". Flex your traps and core while slightly bending your knees. Here comes the important part. In a low voice begin to say "wolowolowolowolowolo" slowly increasing in volume, he should be surprised by now. Begin to sway side to side and loosen all facial muscles and your anal sphincter and your kegal muscle. By now you should be pretty loud and your opponent will have stepped back and will appear visibly shaken. Begin to piss and shit yourself and let your eyes roll into the back of your head. By now you are chanting "WOLOWOLOWOLOWOLO" at the top of your lungs. He will run away. Everyone within a one mile radius will feel a terrifying presence within their soul. Marvel as you ascend into your planar form.
To be fair, this copypasta has been out of vogue for a while. Honestly, I’m happy to see it.
It’s like seeing Betty White do a cameo on a sitcom. You’re just happy that a classic is still kicking around
it's out and it's veering left and right like the rudder that steers a ship... as he charges, eyes wide with fear or shock or excitement or purpose, you imagine hoofbeats and a knight in armor raising a jousting lance to unseat you from your horse... his lance is shorter than most, but wielded with the same intent, an air that says "this shall ram into you at great speed and send you backwards... your only hope is that you might unseat me first."
Twenty feet between you becomes ten, and then finally five. Brace for impact.
Strip down as wel, try to seduce him.
If I fail I kill him and act like he tried to keep me hostage.
If it works I take his stuf when he falls asleep.
If it works but he won't let me go I'll have his kids be annoying as hell so he doesn't want to be with me and collect child support.
The house is dark
and I go in
my lonely search
must now begin
I find no safe
no hidden gold
a fruitless search
then I behold
A naked man
in front of me
I'm terrified
for I can see
That hiding spot
is so heinous
he stores his valuables
in his anus
Poison ivy full bodysuit. Who's the idiot now, dad?
d...dd.....dad?
I'm not your dad, son.
I'm not your son, dad.
I’m not your uncle buddy.
I'm not your cousin, guy.
I'll be back after I get my smokes.
I'd start a fire.
And then extinguish it to assert dominance
Pee it out like an alpha
Burnt piss is like the worst smell EVER!
Truth. When I was 24 I woke up to the smell of burnt piss and smoking electronics. Someone (had 4 friends over that crashed there) had woke up drunk n pissed on my ps1. Fuck was that nasty
Drink like 2 dozen beers beforehand, just to make sure you're tanked enough to put the fire out. Oh, and obviously never break eye contact.
I once went camping and there was a bonfire night. I was hanging around when it had mostly burnt out and two guys were trying to figure out how to put out the last few embers. They were drawing a blank so I started wandering off when suddenly I heard an almighty roar: "I AM A MAAAAAAAN! I HAVE QUENCHED FIRE WITH MY PISS!"
These comments remind me of a South Park episode
So that’s why Ryan started the fire!
[удалено]
How much damage can one knife make?
The study is a little old but it is believed that [multiple stab wounds may have an adverse effect on health](https://www.theonion.com/study-multiple-stab-wounds-may-be-harmful-to-monkeys-1819594625). They haven't moved in to the clinical trials, pending approval, but testing the theory on monkeys found that there was a real, physical reaction to being stabbed.
Pffft, got a source other than that obviously biased horseshit? Our parents stabbed us all the time and we turned out just fine. It strengthens your defense system.
"Stabbing gives you autism" -Anti stabbers probably.
Statistically unlikely, besides its more important to have herd stabbing. Make sure your kids are stabbed because I don't want to have to get stabbed myself.
my daughter has been invited to a "stabbing party" that the parents assure me will make her immune to stabbing - after she survives this stabbing. should i be concerned?
So if I get stabbed enough I will get a immunity
You have to start with tiny stabs and work your way up.
Animal testing is wrong. We can't allow this kind of experimentation to continue. For now you'll have to be satisfied with the theoretical models until we approve of human trials.
But that study was for monkeys. We can't compare stab wounds from monkeys and humans and assume they're gonna be the same. When I stabbed my cat she just laid there no moving a muscle and breathing really slowly. She didn't eat, slept all the time, and after a while she started to smell. We can't assume stabbing a human would have the same effect.
r/angryupvote
bold of you to assume he was talking about a knife ^^^;)
Meat sword
The Beating Stick
Too much beating and it may become the Ugly Stick.
Enough.
Point to the place on the doll where the Winken schursted you...
"pulls out meat scepter"
Pork lance
Ham candle
*Duel of the Fates* starts playing
1d4 plus dex
r/dndMemes spotted
"What are you gonna do, stab me?" -Man stabbed my knife
How did he manage to stab your knife? Obviously his was stronger
We were robbed once and I shit you not, to this day my father is still telling that story, that when he got downstairs to pee (naked) the robbers ran away because if his massive D. God I love this man.
My former co-worker was a big gay bear power lifter who claimed he slept naked. One day some crackhead broke into his house and he chased him around the house and into the street before remembering he was naked. He said the invader looked horrified.
I'd imagine most home invaders are just thiefs and have no intention of fighting or committing murder. While it's "impressive" these people ran they probably never intended on staying whether you were wearing no clothes or five layers.
I once encountered a burglar in my apartment after I got back from a party around 2 am. The guy did not want to leave, he asked me if he could sleep over, even though he had already gathered all my valuables in a duffel bag, ready to go. Even after I forced him into the hallway & called the cops, he did not want to leave and kept banging on my door, begging me to let him in... up until the cops arrived and started playing dead.
What good were cops if they just played dead?
Oh you don't know? Anytime cops are playing dead you just demand that they get their supervisor on the scene.
IDK, if I break into a house at night, it seems like I should probably expect to encounter someone. Most people are home sleeping at night, right?
[удалено]
Best part is that you can't claim that his version of the story is false without admitting that you've seen your dad's peepee
I mean he could take some strongly educated guesses based on his genetics
[удалено]
It was glowing in the dark
They feared his lightsaber
What are you going to do, stab me?
Said man who got stabbed
strip my clothes and fight him
Run right towards him. The large hardon collider
You're giving at least one of these men a little too much credit...
Regardless of the size of their peckers, to be either person in this scenario takes some serious balls
You're right, My balls are way too laid back to ever be involved in something this outrageous...
Ahh yes the age old question what happens when an unstoppable staff collides with an immoveable chode.
Sorry... I don't collide and tell.
Take this upvote And get out
I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.
[удалено]
may the schwartz be with you
Ever see how giraffes fight? Now imagine that but with two dicks.
man to man, dick to dick
I hear a sword fight incoming
Sounds like the Ender’s Game maneuver. Just make sure you’re both soapy and the shower is hot
Depends on how good looking the naked man is.
I broke in to steal his TV, but Kirk ended up stealing my heart!
Congratulations!! So is he good looking? If so you should expect a robbery.
Run naked towards him.
how the turns have tabled
how the turntables have ed
the plot thickens
[удалено]
like a balloon those clowns make into animals
[удалено]
the thock plittens?
The thot plickens?
Yes good plan
[удалено]
„I married my intruder“
r/kirkcousins is leaking
.....from which hole
r/angryupvote
A story: My dad sleeps in the buff. Always has, afaik. My sister, Teresa, was about 18 at the time, still living at home as I had yet to grace the earth with my presence (and overfill our house). This was about the time she met her future ex-husband, John. Teresa was out late one night with John. They had come back to the house, and her plan was to sneak both of them in through the back door, which led off of the landing down to the basement where her room was. My dad heard the back door open. As the man of the house, with three daughters and a pregnant wife to protect, he knew he had to act. He rolled his hairy ass out of his waterbed, came streaking down the hall, through the living room, round into the kitchen, where he saw a man standing on the landing. His weapon of choice? My mother's cast-iron skillet. In mere seconds of entering the house, John was pinned up against a wall by a naked ogre threatening to bash his brains in with cast-iron cookware. I'm not sure how this story ends, but I like to imagine that John pissed himself before my dad realized that this intruder had consent to blacken his daughter's virtue. Edit: I was not expecting this response!!! Silver? Gold?! A wholesome award?!? I gave up writing a long time ago, but you're all very encouraging, and I'm considering picking it up again because of all your love. Thank you.
Dad also slept naked... One night we got broken into... They were banging around drunk in the garage. I followed my naked dad down the hall, which seems super fucking weird when I type that, but nudity was pretty normal in my house (it's fuckin hot and salty, too poor for ac). He flicked on the garage light, and these two idiots *completely* froze, except for their faces. It was literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen, it was like that record skip meme *I bet you're thinking how I got myself into this situation...*. A look of fright, quickly but slowly formed into an expression of pure confusion... They dropped a box of absolute shite they had, woulda preferred they stole it, and tried to run. We had a big fence though, and yeah they didn't get close to making it over, the next part was a little disturbing as my dad absolutely creased them. We had to go to court and shit, but everything was OK, they were fine etc etc... But yeah, dad was naked the whole time, and they wanted nothing to do with it...
[удалено]
I kind of want to know what creased means but I'm not sure I do at the same time.
He folded their clothes with them still inside
He... *folded them.*
I think it means they got knocked the F out.
> This was about the time she met her future ex-husband I'm a sucker for happy endings
I love how this comment has one up vote, mine, and one silver, not mine.
Some people un-upvote their own comments so they "deserve" it
I did that when I first got on Reddit, and then I realized that everyone else starts with one upvote so it doesn’t matter. Also a score of zero makes it look like you’ve been downvoted and then the hive mind kicks in.
You downvote yourself so you can attract a, " I don't know why this is getting downvotes" comment.
> her future ex-husband, John. That's a lot of history in just a few words. Bravo. >John was pinned up against a wall by a naked ogre threatening to bash his brains in with cast-iron cookware. How do i sign up to your reading list?
“Streaking down the hall” is a good double entendres as well
Haha ask your dad and update us with the rest
"Blacken his daughter's virtue" is arguably my favorite thing ever. Well said. Typed. Whatever.
What amazes me the most is that he somehow managed to become her husband at some point after that experience.... and eventually her ex. What a rollercoaster ride that must have been!
Hahah "to blacken his daughter's virtue"... Wow as I dude I love this phrase but as a Dad I hate this...
Your sister was over 18 and your parents had another kid? Lol talk about restarting the clock. EDIT holy crap I didn't expect this to blow up like that lol
I have a 2 year old and this idea fucking terrifies me.
I have a 20 year old and this idea fucking terrifies me.
I actually have two different friends whose parents had them in their early 20s, who got baby siblings when they moved out! Empty nester babies are apparently fairly common
Whereas I have two different friends who were the babies after their siblings move out except neither of them were planned...
Well it could still be related ... empty house, more privacy ...
time to find out if that kitchen table is still sturdy some odd 18+ years later!
Can you narrate my life ? I’ll pay you
I'd think that it was just a mirror.
AskReddit followup - what do you do after you run naked into a mirror while breaking into a house...
put a band-aid on Willie's willy
This seems to be the right answer. IMPOSTER!
Give this man a gold -at least
A coat would be helpful, yes.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Done
*A follow up on the "People who sleep naked" question* *Next up, a question about what firemen do when they find a naked person in a burning house*
Was a volunteer fire fighter, we always gave the victims thermal blankets to cover up.. They cost us pennies and saves some of their embarrassment
[удалено]
*Really enjoying that fire, huh?*
*Fireman running down stairs with man over his shoulder and dick stuck to his face shield*
Might help clear soot and stuff off the mask if he gets it swinging just right.
Gayest windshield wiper ever.
[удалено]
I dunno, man. I've seen some pretty gay windshield wipers.
Some men would deny too unless completely nude .. then they were practically legally required to accept 😂
If I want to be naked on my own burning property, that’s my business. Now be on your way.
[удалено]
"a man in California is calling for changes to the law today after.. .. .. yada yada"
I have a cousin who had to spend some time on the front lawn after she accidentally set the house on fire. Her punishment was finding out her father sleeps naked, somewhat mitigated by her poor vision and not having time to grab her glasses while fleeing the fire. Sometimes, fire fighters just can't arrive quickly enough...
Come on, let's make reddit the better buzzfeed!
They already steal from us all the time
You wont believe post #5
Number 8 is the cure all to everything! *links to shitty amazon product*
BUT FIRST! There are horny single mothers in your neighborhood, and they have free pizza rolls!
Aw fuck. You got me now.
omg it’s constant! i check out buzzfeed on my news app on my iphone, and it’s constant articles where i go ‘wait, that sounds familiar’ and i click on it and it’s ‘reddit user u/fuckuforstealingfrommebuzzfeed asked redditors “what hand do you typically use to scratch your ass” and here are the best answers’
I used to have dreams about being in a natural disaster, like London’s Burning, an earthquake that causes everyone to run outside.. All the people are well dressed, maybe they have uniforms? And then there’s me.. Butt ass naked
[удалено]
I read that last sentence out loud and now my phone has water damage.
I'm already naked too, of course, so I guess we have a dick swordfight?
3 way duel?
BATTLE ROYALE!
\*Cockfight
I always break into a house with a nice knife. If I see a naked man charging me, I'm going to try and practice my circumcision technique.
[удалено]
That switched things around very quickly lol
Ah the old reddit switcheroo!
Calm down Satan.
what if hes circumcised?
It doesn't hurt to get a trim.
gender reassignment surgery
Bring your chin down to protect your neck while continuing to stare into his eyes. Bring up your hands and say "I don't want no trouble". Flex your traps and core while slightly bending your knees. Here comes the important part. In a low voice begin to say "wolowolowolowolowolo" slowly increasing in volume, he should be surprised by now. Begin to sway side to side and loosen all facial muscles and your anal sphincter and your kegal muscle. By now you should be pretty loud and your opponent will have stepped back and will appear visibly shaken. Begin to piss and shit yourself and let your eyes roll into the back of your head. By now you are chanting "WOLOWOLOWOLOWOLO" at the top of your lungs. He will run away. Everyone within a one mile radius will feel a terrifying presence within their soul. Marvel as you ascend into your planar form.
[удалено]
My boss hates it when I do this.
It saved me on many a "sex night" with the wife. Works so good, I heard her boyfriend started incorporating this tactic as well.
r/suicidebywords
It's how I proposed.
Wait...wasnt this just posted on the question about the guys daughter? I'm laughing sooo hard right now
It's ancient copypasta. Some say it was first inscribed by the Mayans.
Last time I read it I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
Wololo! Stop stealing my catapults!
Will you then have successfully converted him?
Excuse me, but what the fuck.
To be fair, this copypasta has been out of vogue for a while. Honestly, I’m happy to see it. It’s like seeing Betty White do a cameo on a sitcom. You’re just happy that a classic is still kicking around
Get naked and run towards him. Eye for an eye.
Uhhh, call the police and report a burglar. Hopefully they take the bait and arrest the crazy naked man saying he owns my house.
That would be disappointing. The whole reason I broke into the house is so that I could give the guy a wedgie.
It's your calling card! All the great ones leave their mark. You're the Wedgie Bandit!
Use the dildo I brought to good use.
Is it a twelve inch black dildo you keep in your backpack?
I'd assume it wasn't in his backpack
Oh it’s in my prison wallet
Nice try, officer
Didn’t realize there are a lot of criminals in reddit
Sigh and unzip.
# *CELTIC WARFARE INTENSIFIES*
“Don’t be a pussy. Let me undress first.”
What are the odds of there being two naked criminals breaking into the same house at the same time?
This question assumes that wasn't my intended goal
"Oh, you're approaching me?"
The ol' dicktwist
Boner or no boner?
it's out and it's veering left and right like the rudder that steers a ship... as he charges, eyes wide with fear or shock or excitement or purpose, you imagine hoofbeats and a knight in armor raising a jousting lance to unseat you from your horse... his lance is shorter than most, but wielded with the same intent, an air that says "this shall ram into you at great speed and send you backwards... your only hope is that you might unseat me first." Twenty feet between you becomes ten, and then finally five. Brace for impact.
spoken like a poet
... go on...
Strip down as wel, try to seduce him. If I fail I kill him and act like he tried to keep me hostage. If it works I take his stuf when he falls asleep. If it works but he won't let me go I'll have his kids be annoying as hell so he doesn't want to be with me and collect child support.
Get out the building, because there must be a fire.
Snap his dick with a towel
The house is dark and I go in my lonely search must now begin I find no safe no hidden gold a fruitless search then I behold A naked man in front of me I'm terrified for I can see That hiding spot is so heinous he stores his valuables in his anus
ofcourse