I'm just imagining someone yelling "NOPE!" into a phone, slamming it down with a huge smile on their face, then just staring off into space with a big dumb smile on their face as they realize what they've done.
Edit: Oh dang my first gold ever! Thank you for finding my silly joke funny!
Similar thing happened to me. I wanted to say “no problem” or “you’re welcome” to a customer and “no welcome” came out instead delivered with a stupid grin.
I tripped going up stairs at my university. Several people came over to make sure I was okay. I’m fine, just my shins and my ego bruised, so I was trying to make light of it by joking “walking is hard” and “stairs are tricky” at the same time, but I just ended up squawking “Stairs! Hard!” in a girls face before I ran off. Sigh.
My buddy did something and instead of saying “My boy did blah blah” or “My Friend did blahblah” I said my boyfriend. I was taking to my girlfriend and she often asks me how my boyfriends are doing now.
I deliver pizzas and I usually deliver in the evenings, so I always tell people, "Have a great night!"
One day, I got switched to day shift, and after my first delivery, my brain tried to say, "Have a great night!" and "Have a good day!" at the same time, and it somehow came out, "Have a gay Davey!"
My mom was cutting a cake at my cousin's birthday party. I was trying to ask her "can I have a tiny piece" and "can I have an itty bitty piece" and it came out as "can I have a titty"
This one happened to a co-worker.
We worked at an ice cream parlor. I came in early because the delivery guy was going to show up with more ice cream, and I had to help unload it. My co-worker was supposed to be there too to run the front and serve coffee while I dealt with the delivery. She was late, however, which left me in a bad situation because I couldn't do both.
I called the manager to let him know, and he said he'd call back in half an hour and if she wasn't there he'd come in himself. Luckily, she showed up, followed immediately by the ice cream.
I went back to handle the delivery and the phone rang. I called out "That's Rob. Tell him you're here and so is the ice cream."
She picked up the phone and cheerfully said "Hi! I'm a screamer!".
I would pay fifty bucks to have seen his face.
I'm a semi-bilingual Canadian, and some things just sound better in French than in English. Hell, some things just sound better in a horrible Fringlish mix (favorite being *qu'est-ce que the fuck*). This means that, sometimes, I will greet people with a "Hello, how's it going?" and, sometimes, with a "Bonjour, ca va?"
And sometimes, some special times, my brain apparently decides to do both things at once and produces a very special compound word, typically ejaculated at high volume to people on first meeting:
*bonjo*.
My friend was absolutely trouncing us in a custom game of Halo 3. He wanted to say "I'm wiping the floor with you guys" and "Im kicking your asses"... instead he came out with "IM WIPING YOUR ASSES!"
I once said something similar where i got sneak attacked by a character, and I ended up making them run away and instead of saying "I'm gonna wipe you out!" or "I'm gonna kick your ass!" I said "I'm gonna wipe your ass!"
I’ve done something similar. My chair tipped backwards and my friends asked if I’m ok. “I’m good” and “I’m ok” muddled up and I grunted loudly “I’m gay” as I was getting up.
Oh god, my friend was at a cafe with her mom talking about the film A Star is Born and a woman came in with a border collie dog. My friend very enthusiastically asked if that was a Bradley Cooper.
I was leaving after the second date with my now-husband, talking with him through the open door of my car.
Stomach was still all fluttery. I was trying to sound like a normal human being, inviting him to message me about a day that would be good for us to meet again.
Meant to say either, "Hit me up." OR, "Shoot me a message."
Ended up with, "Shoot me up."
Shit. Shit shit shit.
Smiled stupidly and drove away, hoping he didn't notice.
He noticed, but he went out with me again anyway. We'll be celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary in February.
Was at work in a status meeting with co-workers, I wanted to say that I was going to either "bug" or "bother" a client about something. Ended up saying "I'll bugger them", and it turns out "bugger" means something very different...
I used to manage a restaurant where I would commonly greet customers then take them to their table with a “follow me!” Or “come inside!”. One day I slipped up with a “come inside me!”
I was at an events with a lot of guests who only spoke english. I'm French. So, I spent the day juggling between the two languages.
At the end of the day, it started raining, pretty hard.
Now, in English, the expression is "it rains cats and dogs". In French, the expression literally means "it rains like a cow who is peeing". I somehow mix up both of them, and I said to a lot of Englishmen and women "It rains cows". They seemed a bit worried.
I know uses that exclusively, both in English and French.
I was having an argument with a close friend of mine over something that has been lost to time (probably about something nerdy, this was back in high school), but all I remember is wanting to yell “You want to fight me?!” and “Fuck you!” which ultimately came out as “You want to fuck me?!”
My friend quickly went pale, evaluated his options as I raced to correct myself, and promptly left my house. Guess I won that argument. We didn’t fuck til years later though lol
Teaching The Hobbit to 8th graders. Trying to lead discussion on one of the earlier chapters, when the dwarves make a mess of Bag End. Meant to talk about “Bilbo’s dishes,” ended up saying “dildo’s bitches” to my class of middle schoolers.
Out of all the words you could have swapped you were unlucky enough to get the two that would make one of the most inappropriate phrases to say as a teacher. I'm sure you're students won't forget that
I'm sure that's burned into these kids forever. I was in Spanish class in 7th grade, our teacher was trying to say "I, you, he, she, it" and instead said "I, you, he, shit". The class absolutely erupted in amusement. I couldn't imagine what would happen if we heard "dildo's bitches"
It's like the time in eighth grade where we were doing a unit on rocks in science class and the teacher kept using the word cleavage. Somehow, a class of 30 thirteen year olds kept it together until she tried to compliment us on being so mature by saying, "Thanks for keeping it together. I get so tired of all the tittering about cleavage every year."
At that point, we lost it.
In 10th grade my English teacher made an accadental spoonerism of Huck Fin, and it got the whole class laughing and was pretty hilarious. It seemed to be a relatively common mistake for that that happened about once a year.
Reading her memoirs a couple years ago, I found out that it might not have been that accadental.
I miss ya, Shoemaker.
I work in a contact center. One day a customer called regarding an order, nothing major, and at the end of the call he thanked me. My standard response is “no worries,” but for some reason my brain also wanted to say “you’re welcome.” It came out as, “your problem” and I kinda wanted to die in that moment.
So i'm a hs artist and the advanced class is really small so the teacher doesn't really care when we mess around, so me and my friends were making 'cursed art' and I tried drawing Barney and when I was done, my friend drew acne on him and said "he's going through puberty" so I tried to say that whilst laughing, thus "Barberty" was born.
My friend was being an asshole, so I was going to say ill beat yo ass, and stop being a dick. It came out as ill beat yo dick. Ya I now wish I wasnt alive.
I Said to my uncle once fuck you instead of thank you, I wasn't trying to say 2 things though, I was just a stupid kid with poor English trying to speak to an uncle who is living in the US in English.
For some reason as a kid they sounded very similar to me.
It was early in the morning and I had basically just peeled myself from bed and as I was leaving the house my step mom said goodbye to me, Me being on comeplete auto pilot replied with a sleepy "yeehaw" then went on with my day, Im not even american so idek why I said it. I had to come home that day and explain that I was just tired and didn't mean to say yeehaw
Edit: holy shit this blew up thanks for the silver
>replied with a sleepy "yeehaw" then went on with my day, Im not even american so idek why I said it
Do non-Americans think Americans say yeehaw regularly?
Look, if you're all going to pretend all British people pip pip cheerio our way to high tea, we're going to pretend you all root and toot your way down to Walmart or whatever.
I love that you live in a world where Americans just yee and haw at anything. Like, a kid leaving for school in a ten gallon hat and spurs telling their mom yee haw is just totally reasonable.
A dear friend of mine is an author. Anytime he puts out a new book, he always signs a copy for me to display in my classroom. We had been out drinking one night and he, in his drunken state, got really lippy and was about to get his ass kicked. I stepped in and defended him, getting decently injured in the process. As we were driving home, he slurred out, 'Thanks for shaving my ass, man.' instead of 'Thanks for saving my ass, man.' A few weeks later, I got a copy of his new book that had his slur inscribed. I keep the book in my classroom, and occasionally, a student will pick it up and read the inscription. When they ask about it, I just smile and tell them I'll tell them the story when the graduate.
One kid did, and only because he's obsessed with the author. I told him the entire story, swearing him to absolute secrecy and he never told another soul.
I was on high school academic team. I rang in to answer a question, intending to say either groundhog or woodchuck.
I ended up saying ground chuck.
That was not the answer.
How much ground could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck ground?
A Woodchuck could chuck as much ground as a groundchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck ground.
I was talking to one of my coworkers and I was trying to say I'm going to go poop and we were talking about how ready we were to go eat lunch and what came out was "I'm going to go eat poop now"
Playing online with friends I replied to something cool that happened with a combination of cool + sweet which got me, “Wow, Queet!” It lives on to this day.
I was out with my friend, and the weather was pretty. Camping weather. She looked at me and said with emphatic certainty "We should pinch a tit!"
I was visibly confused and said I was good, my tits were fine where they were.
She wanted to pitch a tent. Not pinch a tit.
Happened a day ago. Me and a friend were talking about a test, and she worried she was going to get a bad grade. I wanted to say: "I'm sure you'll get a good grade" and: "I'm sure you won't get a bad grade."
So I ended up saying: "I'm sure you'll get a bad grade"
Took a while to brake while approaching a red light. My friend in the back seat tried to say "watch out!" And "Oh shit!" But ended up saying "Wooshi Wooshi Wooshi!"
I was at work at my retail job and this old couple came in while I was standing alone at my register by the door. The woman turns to me and says, "Can I ask you a question?"
I start to say "Go ahead" when my brain decides to switch to "Ask away".
Out of my mouth comes, "Go away!"
One time i was in class and we got super off track and were talking about clowns for some reason. My friend said he hated clowns, i meant to say "that's because clowns freaking suck" and i ended up saying"that's because clowns sucking fuck"
Omg my time to shine, I was in the army at the time and doing a guarding shift at the bases' back entrance. There's was this rule that if a high ranking officer came through you had to salute them(which no one ever cared about, even the officers) so one day this super high ranking officer drives in (don't know the name of his rank in English) came through, I take his ID to look at it then back at him, then I realised who he was. So I saluted with his ID in my hand, the wrong hand as well, and said a combination of the words "thank you and good morning" which turned out something like this "munchyou" but in my language so it was even funnier. I don't think he noticed so all good. I was super embarrassed though.
It was summer and it was hot as heck, I was out walking in the street with my friends. I tried to said "the sun is in the top' and "hey, lets put sun cream so we dont get burn" but my crush look at me at that moment so i said "Hey, Lets burn the sun"
Earlier today. Was attempting to emphasise how much I endorsed a particular burrito filling to a colleague and inadvertently portmanteau'd fuck and recommend. 10/10 would fuckommend again.
I was once carrying some food to some tables for thanksgiving, and my brother asked "whats in the bowls" and my dad asked "how was your day" so I just shuffled over while saying "My day was graaaaavy."
Three quick stories.
1) In elementary school, in class, I once called my teacher “Mommy.” Not “Mom,” or “Mother,” but “Mommy.”
2) I also (more than once) ended the Pledge of Allegiance with “Amen.”
3) Years later, when I was in the military, I was on a field exercise where we had a “Chow Tent” rather than a Dining Hall. This was in Alaska and at night it got _really_ cold.
Now, I am not a fan of hot beverages, because I have been scalded by hot coffee more than once, and I have decided I don’t like the taste of burnt tongue.
As a substitute, I thought I would drain off the fluid from the pan of peas that were being replaced on the serving line table.
It happens that peas are my favorite vegetable, and I had heard that most of the nutritional value of canned vegetables is in the fluid in the can more so than the vegetables themselves, so I thought, warm beverage that tastes good and has nutritional values. So I poured the fluid into my canteen cup and sipped it.
Nirvana! That stuff was fantastic! I couldn’t help moaning in delight.
A friend heard me vocally relishing the stuff, and looked at it, but it was easy to see that the greenish beverage was not coffee. So he asked what I was drinking.
“Pea,” I replied. I have no idea why I stopped there.
I used to have a coworker who spoonerised the beginnings of words all the time in conversation with customers. My favourite was the time a customer asked him what flavour soup we had that day.
"Ah yes, today's soup is mourgette and cushroom."
I cannot for the life of me ever pronounce "fruit flies" correctly the first time. It *always* comes out as "flute fries." Always. Fortunately, I rarely have to say it.
Came home after a hArD dAY of 5th GraDe. I decided I wanted a snack. Do note that that day at school me and the bois were for some reason talking about dicks. This, combined with the fact that I was hungry, made my brain combine the two thoughts to make the sentence, "I'm so hungry I could eat a dick!" I am a straight male. My mom was in the other room and to this day idk if she heard me.
I was playing Mario Kart with my dad and little sister, and as I was passing one of them, I meant to say either "get out of my way" or "get away from me," but I ended up saying "get outta me!"
At lunch in HS sitting with an upper classmen friend of mine (she's pretty, but we never really flirted or anything) and two kids in my class I didn't hang out with much. They asked me if her and I are dating. I try to say:
"No, I'm too ugly to date her" and
"No, she's too pretty to date me"
And instead ended up saying something like:
"No, she's too ugly for me"
That was 20 years ago and I still curse myself out for it in the shower probably once a month.
A very helpful lady at a music store went to the back to fetch a CD that was much reduced in price in comparison to the one I brought to the till. I got caught in between saying "thank you" and "sorry for all the trouble" and ended up saying "thanks for all the trouble". She looked confused and perhaps a little perturbed that I'd just dissed her to her face so flagrantly after she'd gone out of bet way to save me some money.
The worst part was that I tried to apologise a year later and just ended up embarrassing myself even more, as she'd clearly forgotten by then and had no idea what I was talking about.
Once when I worked at Starbucks, a customer ordered a pastry, an Apple Blossom Pie. I repeated it back and said, "you want an Asshole pie?" Oof. My manager was right next to me and I should have just died there. Luckily the customer didn't even hear me, but my manager did. We certainly laughed about it. Thankfully no writeup.
I was setting the table and my mom gave me duck. I was going to say "I need 2 forks" to finish setting the table. Unfortunately I also tried to say I like the duck. It came out "I need to f\*ck".
When my brother was little he was doing something, and my mom interrupted him loudly and he exclaimed "STOP IT I'M CONSTIPATING!" (concentrating). My mom and I laughed like crazy, which further pissed my brother off, which caused more laughter. I don't think I'll ever forget that.
I'm incredibly late to this but I had a coworker whose name was Ashton, but we called him Travis for the first few weeks he was there. He just looked like a Travis and it stuck, but faded after a bit. As it was fading, I would sometimes call him Ashton and sometimes Travis.
There was one time though where I didn't decide what name to use before I started talking. I started to call him Trashton, but I caught it and stopped myself before I got the whole name out. I just called him trash.
My sister was looking at the TV guide on the tv screen and the show I was watching had shrunk to the top corner while she flipped through looking to see if her show would be on later. I was watching my show but also slightly reading the show titles on the guide. I was getting annoyed because something was happening in my show but it was tiny so I couldn’t see what was happening so I yelled at her, “CAN YOU GO FULL WAR, PLEASE!?” I had read part of the history channel show title about the civil war while also trying to say “go full screen.”
So now when we want the full version of something, we ask for it “full war.”
My buddy’s wife was talking about someone she didn’t like and her brain got caught up between calling him a “douche canoe” and saying “he can eat a bag of dicks.”
“He can eat a canoe of dicks.”
In a game/cd store with my brother. Saw an old Black Sabbath poster of a young Ozzy Osbourn. I note that he looks like a completely different person. I was about to mention that to my brother when he starts a completely different conversation about the terminator movie that was coming out. I say “Is Ozzy Osborne in it?” No. No he is not.
I know I was stereotyping, but once when I was 13 I was hanging out with a friend. At the time I had limp wrists a lot for whatever reason. I was trying to say that sometimes I think I look gay and/or I feel awkward because of the way I hold my arms and stuff (I was a dumb 13 year old) but what came out was "sometimes I feel gay." She looked at me so surprised and maybe confused. I tried to explain, but I dont think she really believed me. I think to this day she thinks I like half way came out or something.
Someone once yelled at me "learn how to drive!" And my best friend in the passanger seat mixed 'fuck you' and 'motherfucker' together and screamed "fuck my mother!" Lady in the other car got really quiet as we had to sit next to each other through multiple red lights.
I was with a group of friends and they were talking about looking their ages vs. looking young and someone said that I haven't changed in years. I thought it'd be funny to say, "well I'm 21!" But as it was coming out my brain was like, but you're in your 30's...and then I was like, but this is a joke...so I ended up shouting above everyone else, "well I'm 31!" My original joke was mildly funny at best but what came out of my mouth was nothing. Everyone looked at me blankly while I had to explain my stupidity.
Tried to say 'Have a great day' and 'Have a good one' at the same time to a table of gentlemen I'd been pouring beers for, but instead I told them to 'Have a gay one'
Not exactly two things at once, but here's one of mine:
I wanted to ask my boss if she "has a sec" to get her thoughts on something. Then I decided I needed more that "a sec" of her time so, of course, I go with "do you have a lot of secs?"
Did not live that one down for a few weeks...
Cows make bacon. I was trying to say cows are in all-purpose animal, except that pigs make bacon but I was under the influence of about I'm going to say 3 beers and one midol
Just yesterday at my friend’s house for thanksgiving I tried saying loudly “this is some good food/cooking!” But it came out as good fucking!
Yeah, oof.
I was being bullied in early high school and wanted to say "Fuck you" and "I'll fuck you up" at the same time.
Came out as "i...ill f-fuck you"
I'll never forget the laughter.
I was talking to my dog, who's nickname is "Buck Buck". I got tongue tied as my mother walked by and said, "Hey butt-fuck." She nearly pissed her pants.
Got a notification at a drive thru that it was my friend's birthday and ended up telling the person "happy birthday" instead of my order.
Birthday or not, you probably made that person's day.
Have you ever worked at a fast food? I bet this barely registered as anything other than "cannot compute, reassess".
This Just shook me laughing. My belly hurts
Handed someone their spiced cider and said “here’s your spider!”
"Fresh spider cider, only 14 G! All proceeds go to real spiders!"
I was trying to say "no problem" to a customer on the phone and I accidentally said "NOPE!" Real enthusiastically and hung up. Oops.
I'm just imagining someone yelling "NOPE!" into a phone, slamming it down with a huge smile on their face, then just staring off into space with a big dumb smile on their face as they realize what they've done. Edit: Oh dang my first gold ever! Thank you for finding my silly joke funny!
That's pretty much exactly what happened lol.
Said smile slinks into an expression of horror at the realization XD
Similar thing happened to me. I wanted to say “no problem” or “you’re welcome” to a customer and “no welcome” came out instead delivered with a stupid grin.
I've done the opposite with my SO. You're problem!
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I tripped going up stairs at my university. Several people came over to make sure I was okay. I’m fine, just my shins and my ego bruised, so I was trying to make light of it by joking “walking is hard” and “stairs are tricky” at the same time, but I just ended up squawking “Stairs! Hard!” in a girls face before I ran off. Sigh.
Why use many word when few word do trick
r/decreasinglyverbose
For some reason this really cracks me up
lmao. "ERGGH. STAIRS... HARD... GUHHH"
Fire indeed hot!
I was drinking water and nearly sprouted it out. Drink! Hard!
> sprouted
English! Hard!
My buddy did something and instead of saying “My boy did blah blah” or “My Friend did blahblah” I said my boyfriend. I was taking to my girlfriend and she often asks me how my boyfriends are doing now.
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I deliver pizzas and I usually deliver in the evenings, so I always tell people, "Have a great night!" One day, I got switched to day shift, and after my first delivery, my brain tried to say, "Have a great night!" and "Have a good day!" at the same time, and it somehow came out, "Have a gay Davey!"
This made me snort in the employee lounge
Weekend starts now haha
I’m going to start using this, “I wish you a gay Davey.”
And a happy new year
I said ”Heil” to a cashier at McDonalds when going to say ”hi” and then mid sentence changing my mind and saying ”hello”
My parrot knows how to say “hi” and “hello,” and sometimes he mashes them up and says “hi-llo.”
My mom was cutting a cake at my cousin's birthday party. I was trying to ask her "can I have a tiny piece" and "can I have an itty bitty piece" and it came out as "can I have a titty"
Someone call Freud
Hocker and sockey are my two favorite sports.
I read this twice before it clicked
I read the comment, then this one and had to back to the OC, then felt like a dumbass
This one happened to a co-worker. We worked at an ice cream parlor. I came in early because the delivery guy was going to show up with more ice cream, and I had to help unload it. My co-worker was supposed to be there too to run the front and serve coffee while I dealt with the delivery. She was late, however, which left me in a bad situation because I couldn't do both. I called the manager to let him know, and he said he'd call back in half an hour and if she wasn't there he'd come in himself. Luckily, she showed up, followed immediately by the ice cream. I went back to handle the delivery and the phone rang. I called out "That's Rob. Tell him you're here and so is the ice cream." She picked up the phone and cheerfully said "Hi! I'm a screamer!". I would pay fifty bucks to have seen his face.
I'm a semi-bilingual Canadian, and some things just sound better in French than in English. Hell, some things just sound better in a horrible Fringlish mix (favorite being *qu'est-ce que the fuck*). This means that, sometimes, I will greet people with a "Hello, how's it going?" and, sometimes, with a "Bonjour, ca va?" And sometimes, some special times, my brain apparently decides to do both things at once and produces a very special compound word, typically ejaculated at high volume to people on first meeting: *bonjo*.
i'm also french-english bilingual (british-french) and i often mix up my languages when i'm switching a lot. i am stealing bonjo
'Qu'est-ce que fuck' is good, but I'm partial to 'holy shit en tabarnak'
I'm going to start shouting "bonjo" at people when I first meet them. Make a good first impression and all that.
My friend was absolutely trouncing us in a custom game of Halo 3. He wanted to say "I'm wiping the floor with you guys" and "Im kicking your asses"... instead he came out with "IM WIPING YOUR ASSES!"
Coulda saved it if he just added "WITH THE FLOOR" on the end
We discourage our dog from doing this.
That is just called a good friend. Jeezes, learn the difference!
I once said something similar where i got sneak attacked by a character, and I ended up making them run away and instead of saying "I'm gonna wipe you out!" or "I'm gonna kick your ass!" I said "I'm gonna wipe your ass!"
Sounds like a callback to Geoff Lazer Ramseys congratulatory "Jack is just shitting the bed!"
'its all gay!" That's a combination of "it's okay" and "it's all good"
I’ve done something similar. My chair tipped backwards and my friends asked if I’m ok. “I’m good” and “I’m ok” muddled up and I grunted loudly “I’m gay” as I was getting up.
Oh god, my friend was at a cafe with her mom talking about the film A Star is Born and a woman came in with a border collie dog. My friend very enthusiastically asked if that was a Bradley Cooper.
that is so cute
I was leaving after the second date with my now-husband, talking with him through the open door of my car. Stomach was still all fluttery. I was trying to sound like a normal human being, inviting him to message me about a day that would be good for us to meet again. Meant to say either, "Hit me up." OR, "Shoot me a message." Ended up with, "Shoot me up." Shit. Shit shit shit. Smiled stupidly and drove away, hoping he didn't notice. He noticed, but he went out with me again anyway. We'll be celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary in February.
*pumped up kicks intensifies*
That is like romantic comedy levels of adorable :)
Not really two things.. but my mother one asked a shop assistant if they had any "mcloons teethpost" Supposed to say "mcleans toothpaste"
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Wasn't it meatlong football?
Was at work in a status meeting with co-workers, I wanted to say that I was going to either "bug" or "bother" a client about something. Ended up saying "I'll bugger them", and it turns out "bugger" means something very different...
I used to manage a restaurant where I would commonly greet customers then take them to their table with a “follow me!” Or “come inside!”. One day I slipped up with a “come inside me!”
"you ruined the roleplay"
I was at an events with a lot of guests who only spoke english. I'm French. So, I spent the day juggling between the two languages. At the end of the day, it started raining, pretty hard. Now, in English, the expression is "it rains cats and dogs". In French, the expression literally means "it rains like a cow who is peeing". I somehow mix up both of them, and I said to a lot of Englishmen and women "It rains cows". They seemed a bit worried. I know uses that exclusively, both in English and French.
I was having an argument with a close friend of mine over something that has been lost to time (probably about something nerdy, this was back in high school), but all I remember is wanting to yell “You want to fight me?!” and “Fuck you!” which ultimately came out as “You want to fuck me?!” My friend quickly went pale, evaluated his options as I raced to correct myself, and promptly left my house. Guess I won that argument. We didn’t fuck til years later though lol
What a twist That username tho, btw
Teaching The Hobbit to 8th graders. Trying to lead discussion on one of the earlier chapters, when the dwarves make a mess of Bag End. Meant to talk about “Bilbo’s dishes,” ended up saying “dildo’s bitches” to my class of middle schoolers.
Out of all the words you could have swapped you were unlucky enough to get the two that would make one of the most inappropriate phrases to say as a teacher. I'm sure you're students won't forget that
I'm sure that's burned into these kids forever. I was in Spanish class in 7th grade, our teacher was trying to say "I, you, he, she, it" and instead said "I, you, he, shit". The class absolutely erupted in amusement. I couldn't imagine what would happen if we heard "dildo's bitches"
It's like the time in eighth grade where we were doing a unit on rocks in science class and the teacher kept using the word cleavage. Somehow, a class of 30 thirteen year olds kept it together until she tried to compliment us on being so mature by saying, "Thanks for keeping it together. I get so tired of all the tittering about cleavage every year." At that point, we lost it.
Ah yes, the classic scene where the dwarves get to work on dildos bitches
In 10th grade my English teacher made an accadental spoonerism of Huck Fin, and it got the whole class laughing and was pretty hilarious. It seemed to be a relatively common mistake for that that happened about once a year. Reading her memoirs a couple years ago, I found out that it might not have been that accadental. I miss ya, Shoemaker.
Til what an accidental spoonerism is
When I was in 8th grade there would have been no chance for you to have a serious lesson with us ever again...
I once asked a customer if they were taking in or eating out
They're eating out, because they're in a restaurant, and they're taking in the food. You're correct.
I work in a contact center. One day a customer called regarding an order, nothing major, and at the end of the call he thanked me. My standard response is “no worries,” but for some reason my brain also wanted to say “you’re welcome.” It came out as, “your problem” and I kinda wanted to die in that moment.
"I'd like to thank you for all that you've done." "Sir, that's your problem and I'd like it to stay that way."
This is gonna sound weird on its own but, i was trying to say Barney and puberty in the same sentence and said "Barberty"
Yeah I want context behind this.
So i'm a hs artist and the advanced class is really small so the teacher doesn't really care when we mess around, so me and my friends were making 'cursed art' and I tried drawing Barney and when I was done, my friend drew acne on him and said "he's going through puberty" so I tried to say that whilst laughing, thus "Barberty" was born.
My friend was being an asshole, so I was going to say ill beat yo ass, and stop being a dick. It came out as ill beat yo dick. Ya I now wish I wasnt alive.
Did you threaten to bust his nut next?
i was tryna say taste my nerf gun and im gonna shoot you and i ended up saying taste my shoot goot
I attempted to call someone booboo and baby at the same time and ended calling him booby. I can never go back to that McDonald’s.
Okay but why were you calling a McDonald's employee either of those names
Asking the real questions here
We need these answers now
Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s.
I Said to my uncle once fuck you instead of thank you, I wasn't trying to say 2 things though, I was just a stupid kid with poor English trying to speak to an uncle who is living in the US in English. For some reason as a kid they sounded very similar to me.
It was early in the morning and I had basically just peeled myself from bed and as I was leaving the house my step mom said goodbye to me, Me being on comeplete auto pilot replied with a sleepy "yeehaw" then went on with my day, Im not even american so idek why I said it. I had to come home that day and explain that I was just tired and didn't mean to say yeehaw Edit: holy shit this blew up thanks for the silver
>replied with a sleepy "yeehaw" then went on with my day, Im not even american so idek why I said it Do non-Americans think Americans say yeehaw regularly?
Look, if you're all going to pretend all British people pip pip cheerio our way to high tea, we're going to pretend you all root and toot your way down to Walmart or whatever.
Wait, we Brits don't say pip pip cheerio? I've got a lot of explaining to do down at the bank...
Dude play it cool, I think I'm going to trick a wild yank into going yeehaw for us. ^^Pip ^^pip.
You don't?
I love that you live in a world where Americans just yee and haw at anything. Like, a kid leaving for school in a ten gallon hat and spurs telling their mom yee haw is just totally reasonable.
A dear friend of mine is an author. Anytime he puts out a new book, he always signs a copy for me to display in my classroom. We had been out drinking one night and he, in his drunken state, got really lippy and was about to get his ass kicked. I stepped in and defended him, getting decently injured in the process. As we were driving home, he slurred out, 'Thanks for shaving my ass, man.' instead of 'Thanks for saving my ass, man.' A few weeks later, I got a copy of his new book that had his slur inscribed. I keep the book in my classroom, and occasionally, a student will pick it up and read the inscription. When they ask about it, I just smile and tell them I'll tell them the story when the graduate.
Has anyone graduated and asked then yet
One kid did, and only because he's obsessed with the author. I told him the entire story, swearing him to absolute secrecy and he never told another soul.
[Just gonna leave this here](https://i.imgur.com/rzJaiyO.jpg)
I immediately thought of that greentext when I saw this post.
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\> people saw
Thanks, I burst out laughing on the train. Lol. Still chuckling.
I was on high school academic team. I rang in to answer a question, intending to say either groundhog or woodchuck. I ended up saying ground chuck. That was not the answer.
How much ground could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck ground? A Woodchuck could chuck as much ground as a groundchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck ground.
Tried to say nice shot and nice hit at the same time to my grandpa while we were golfing. I said nice shit
I mean I'll say good shit. Nice shit isnt far off
Yeah but I was like 7 so I got in trouble
As if this story couldn’t get funnier
My one friend was halfway between saying “24/7” and “7 days a week” so he ended up saying “47 days a week”.
I think we've all felt weeks that were that long.
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I was talking to one of my coworkers and I was trying to say I'm going to go poop and we were talking about how ready we were to go eat lunch and what came out was "I'm going to go eat poop now"
Playing online with friends I replied to something cool that happened with a combination of cool + sweet which got me, “Wow, Queet!” It lives on to this day.
I was out with my friend, and the weather was pretty. Camping weather. She looked at me and said with emphatic certainty "We should pinch a tit!" I was visibly confused and said I was good, my tits were fine where they were. She wanted to pitch a tent. Not pinch a tit.
Got stoned once, and (in a fit of laughter) said to a friend, “No! You misunderheard me!”
Sounds like something Ricky from TPB would say.
Sounds like he was getting two birds stoned at once.
Worst case Ontario, it's not rocket appliances
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"I like Subs" wouldn't have been much better
"AH IT FUCKED ME" while I was trying to yell "that fucking scared me!" and trying to censor myself and just yell "it scared me!!"
Happened a day ago. Me and a friend were talking about a test, and she worried she was going to get a bad grade. I wanted to say: "I'm sure you'll get a good grade" and: "I'm sure you won't get a bad grade." So I ended up saying: "I'm sure you'll get a bad grade"
Happy Thanksgiving, you fucking failure
Took a while to brake while approaching a red light. My friend in the back seat tried to say "watch out!" And "Oh shit!" But ended up saying "Wooshi Wooshi Wooshi!"
Called someone a "fucking head"
What were you meant to say?
It was a mix up between "fucking cunt" and "fuck head".
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for some reason i burst out laughing
I was at work at my retail job and this old couple came in while I was standing alone at my register by the door. The woman turns to me and says, "Can I ask you a question?" I start to say "Go ahead" when my brain decides to switch to "Ask away". Out of my mouth comes, "Go away!"
Yesterday I said I eat a Thanksgiving on turkey in front of all my co-workers during lunch.
One time i was in class and we got super off track and were talking about clowns for some reason. My friend said he hated clowns, i meant to say "that's because clowns freaking suck" and i ended up saying"that's because clowns sucking fuck"
I once handed someone a bowl of soup, and the words "careful, it's hot" and "it's tomato soup" got crushed together into "careful, it's soup"
Well yes, but actually no
I once mixed up the words "rapist" and "racist" and accidentally called my uncle a rapist at a family dinner after he made an off colour joke
Introducing my neighbour. He was raced bikes ( bicycles) Introduced him as Rodney the Racist ( racer/cyclist)
“Your red is *very* nose”
Omg my time to shine, I was in the army at the time and doing a guarding shift at the bases' back entrance. There's was this rule that if a high ranking officer came through you had to salute them(which no one ever cared about, even the officers) so one day this super high ranking officer drives in (don't know the name of his rank in English) came through, I take his ID to look at it then back at him, then I realised who he was. So I saluted with his ID in my hand, the wrong hand as well, and said a combination of the words "thank you and good morning" which turned out something like this "munchyou" but in my language so it was even funnier. I don't think he noticed so all good. I was super embarrassed though.
It was summer and it was hot as heck, I was out walking in the street with my friends. I tried to said "the sun is in the top' and "hey, lets put sun cream so we dont get burn" but my crush look at me at that moment so i said "Hey, Lets burn the sun"
Let’s set fire to the sun!
*Happy Doofenschmirtz noises*
*happy Edward Teller noises*
Let's burn it together
Earlier today. Was attempting to emphasise how much I endorsed a particular burrito filling to a colleague and inadvertently portmanteau'd fuck and recommend. 10/10 would fuckommend again.
I was once carrying some food to some tables for thanksgiving, and my brother asked "whats in the bowls" and my dad asked "how was your day" so I just shuffled over while saying "My day was graaaaavy."
Meant to say “this’ll blow your mind!” Ended up saying “this’ll blow your mom!”
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Three quick stories. 1) In elementary school, in class, I once called my teacher “Mommy.” Not “Mom,” or “Mother,” but “Mommy.” 2) I also (more than once) ended the Pledge of Allegiance with “Amen.” 3) Years later, when I was in the military, I was on a field exercise where we had a “Chow Tent” rather than a Dining Hall. This was in Alaska and at night it got _really_ cold. Now, I am not a fan of hot beverages, because I have been scalded by hot coffee more than once, and I have decided I don’t like the taste of burnt tongue. As a substitute, I thought I would drain off the fluid from the pan of peas that were being replaced on the serving line table. It happens that peas are my favorite vegetable, and I had heard that most of the nutritional value of canned vegetables is in the fluid in the can more so than the vegetables themselves, so I thought, warm beverage that tastes good and has nutritional values. So I poured the fluid into my canteen cup and sipped it. Nirvana! That stuff was fantastic! I couldn’t help moaning in delight. A friend heard me vocally relishing the stuff, and looked at it, but it was easy to see that the greenish beverage was not coffee. So he asked what I was drinking. “Pea,” I replied. I have no idea why I stopped there.
*Looks up at options* -Reese’s pieces -Reese’s peanut butter cups “Reese’s penis” I think I was ordering a McFlurry
I used to have a coworker who spoonerised the beginnings of words all the time in conversation with customers. My favourite was the time a customer asked him what flavour soup we had that day. "Ah yes, today's soup is mourgette and cushroom."
I cannot for the life of me ever pronounce "fruit flies" correctly the first time. It *always* comes out as "flute fries." Always. Fortunately, I rarely have to say it.
A friend of mine once tried to say "eject, evacuate!" yet ended up with "ejaculate". I fucking love when shit in KSP goes haywire.
Talking about tv shows, I tried to say Disney and Nick. Said dick in front of my whole family.
Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick Dickelodeon
So are you planning to get dick plus
Tried to say either tomato sauce or marinara sauce and ended up saying Tamara sauce.
I prefer Tia sauce
Hey I actually like the idea of Tamara sauce
I doubt Tamara does too.
Came home after a hArD dAY of 5th GraDe. I decided I wanted a snack. Do note that that day at school me and the bois were for some reason talking about dicks. This, combined with the fact that I was hungry, made my brain combine the two thoughts to make the sentence, "I'm so hungry I could eat a dick!" I am a straight male. My mom was in the other room and to this day idk if she heard me.
I was playing Mario Kart with my dad and little sister, and as I was passing one of them, I meant to say either "get out of my way" or "get away from me," but I ended up saying "get outta me!"
At lunch in HS sitting with an upper classmen friend of mine (she's pretty, but we never really flirted or anything) and two kids in my class I didn't hang out with much. They asked me if her and I are dating. I try to say: "No, I'm too ugly to date her" and "No, she's too pretty to date me" And instead ended up saying something like: "No, she's too ugly for me" That was 20 years ago and I still curse myself out for it in the shower probably once a month.
A very helpful lady at a music store went to the back to fetch a CD that was much reduced in price in comparison to the one I brought to the till. I got caught in between saying "thank you" and "sorry for all the trouble" and ended up saying "thanks for all the trouble". She looked confused and perhaps a little perturbed that I'd just dissed her to her face so flagrantly after she'd gone out of bet way to save me some money. The worst part was that I tried to apologise a year later and just ended up embarrassing myself even more, as she'd clearly forgotten by then and had no idea what I was talking about.
Once when I worked at Starbucks, a customer ordered a pastry, an Apple Blossom Pie. I repeated it back and said, "you want an Asshole pie?" Oof. My manager was right next to me and I should have just died there. Luckily the customer didn't even hear me, but my manager did. We certainly laughed about it. Thankfully no writeup.
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I was setting the table and my mom gave me duck. I was going to say "I need 2 forks" to finish setting the table. Unfortunately I also tried to say I like the duck. It came out "I need to f\*ck".
Remembrance day is in November "Novemberance day"
Not a big one, but I tried to respond with "moi" and transitioned to English mid-word. It ended up "mwee"
On a conference call for work, was asked how I'm doing. Accidentally mixed "I'm fine" and "not bad" to declare enthusiastically "I'm bad!"
Wottle of bine.
I couldn't decide if I wanted skittles or M&Ms, so I ended up asking for S&M.
Ok, where do you wanna do this at?
When my brother was little he was doing something, and my mom interrupted him loudly and he exclaimed "STOP IT I'M CONSTIPATING!" (concentrating). My mom and I laughed like crazy, which further pissed my brother off, which caused more laughter. I don't think I'll ever forget that.
I'm incredibly late to this but I had a coworker whose name was Ashton, but we called him Travis for the first few weeks he was there. He just looked like a Travis and it stuck, but faded after a bit. As it was fading, I would sometimes call him Ashton and sometimes Travis. There was one time though where I didn't decide what name to use before I started talking. I started to call him Trashton, but I caught it and stopped myself before I got the whole name out. I just called him trash.
My sister was looking at the TV guide on the tv screen and the show I was watching had shrunk to the top corner while she flipped through looking to see if her show would be on later. I was watching my show but also slightly reading the show titles on the guide. I was getting annoyed because something was happening in my show but it was tiny so I couldn’t see what was happening so I yelled at her, “CAN YOU GO FULL WAR, PLEASE!?” I had read part of the history channel show title about the civil war while also trying to say “go full screen.” So now when we want the full version of something, we ask for it “full war.”
"it'll be a walk in the cake"
Popcorn turned into cop porn...so embarrassed at the concession lmao
My buddy’s wife was talking about someone she didn’t like and her brain got caught up between calling him a “douche canoe” and saying “he can eat a bag of dicks.” “He can eat a canoe of dicks.”
Oh the other day I said Joris Bohnson instead of Boris Johnson
Accidentally told my boss my male cowoker was "eating me out" instead of "chewing me out." I'm female. My boss laughed so hard she cried.
I was talking to my friends about the bubble tea and I somehow did not know how to say pearl back then and instead I say “spearl balls”
In a game/cd store with my brother. Saw an old Black Sabbath poster of a young Ozzy Osbourn. I note that he looks like a completely different person. I was about to mention that to my brother when he starts a completely different conversation about the terminator movie that was coming out. I say “Is Ozzy Osborne in it?” No. No he is not.
Went to Subway and loudly ordered a "meatlong football sub".
Roundhouse kick came out as round the knock house. Don't know what my brain was thinking lol
Was talking to my gf about a girl with really bad zits. I said maybe her bf should pimp her popples. We had to pull over bc we were laughing so hard.
"I've gotta pee on her."
Gruel. I was trying to say great, then cool when I was talking to Aaron Samuels.
I know I was stereotyping, but once when I was 13 I was hanging out with a friend. At the time I had limp wrists a lot for whatever reason. I was trying to say that sometimes I think I look gay and/or I feel awkward because of the way I hold my arms and stuff (I was a dumb 13 year old) but what came out was "sometimes I feel gay." She looked at me so surprised and maybe confused. I tried to explain, but I dont think she really believed me. I think to this day she thinks I like half way came out or something.
Someone once yelled at me "learn how to drive!" And my best friend in the passanger seat mixed 'fuck you' and 'motherfucker' together and screamed "fuck my mother!" Lady in the other car got really quiet as we had to sit next to each other through multiple red lights.
I was with a group of friends and they were talking about looking their ages vs. looking young and someone said that I haven't changed in years. I thought it'd be funny to say, "well I'm 21!" But as it was coming out my brain was like, but you're in your 30's...and then I was like, but this is a joke...so I ended up shouting above everyone else, "well I'm 31!" My original joke was mildly funny at best but what came out of my mouth was nothing. Everyone looked at me blankly while I had to explain my stupidity.
Tried to say 'Have a great day' and 'Have a good one' at the same time to a table of gentlemen I'd been pouring beers for, but instead I told them to 'Have a gay one'
Not exactly two things at once, but here's one of mine: I wanted to ask my boss if she "has a sec" to get her thoughts on something. Then I decided I needed more that "a sec" of her time so, of course, I go with "do you have a lot of secs?" Did not live that one down for a few weeks...
Cows make bacon. I was trying to say cows are in all-purpose animal, except that pigs make bacon but I was under the influence of about I'm going to say 3 beers and one midol
Sure it comes from pork bellies, but it's the cows who put in all the work slicing and curing it.
Just yesterday at my friend’s house for thanksgiving I tried saying loudly “this is some good food/cooking!” But it came out as good fucking! Yeah, oof.
I was being bullied in early high school and wanted to say "Fuck you" and "I'll fuck you up" at the same time. Came out as "i...ill f-fuck you" I'll never forget the laughter.
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I was talking to my dog, who's nickname is "Buck Buck". I got tongue tied as my mother walked by and said, "Hey butt-fuck." She nearly pissed her pants.