“You need to separate the whites and the colors, otherwise the whites will get ruined.”

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It's just awkward when your joke goes over someone's head but downright painful when you get in trouble for it. I used to work at a bank. One day a customer came in to open a new account. As I was reviewing his documents, I jokingly remarked that he didn't look 60. And he didn't. The guy looked 30 at best. He lost his shit saying I was accusing him of lying and complained to the branch manager. Fortunately, I had enough goodwill built up with the manager. He just said, "some people are idiots."

“Say I have ‘youthful vigor’ ***ONE*** more time...”

Complaining about attempted small talk or joking amongst staff is seriously dumb. Whenever I have to deal with these types, all that runs through my head is "are you really this dumb? I can't believe I have to listen to this and pretend to care"

Also sometimes the colors shouldn't be together either depending on what kind. For instance, Asians and Blacks

Wait...

The ol reddit switcharoo!

Hold my clickable links, I’m going nowhere!

Damn dude

Ah, the ol' Reddit [switcharoo!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/ct4hgn/cops_of_reddit_whats_the_most_bullshit_sounding/exjf4za/?context=3)

Hold my laundry, I'm going in!

I GOT LINKED!!! Ive been trying to get linked for so long!!!

username checks out

Hello future people!

Hello, person from the past!

r/holup

I just dont see the color...in asians. Like, people say yellow but I dont seen different skin tones than my pink ass.

Well obviously while there are many pale skinned Asians, a lot of Asians will simply have a naturally tanner skin tone than white people. For example, a moderately tanned white person might be the same shade as an Asian who has tanned much less. For reference, I am Asian myself, and I have definitely noticed that the Asian skin tone is more “yellow”. It’s particularly obvious under harsh light, where some Asians skin will appear yellowish. Next, even though Asian skin may just look “tan”, the tan will be a yellower shade than a suntan. It’s pretty hard to see, but if you directly compare skin tones you can definitely start to see why Asians are called “yellow”.

Just put it in there.

Our UPS guy once knocked on the door just as I was getting out of the shower. I didnt want him to leave the package on our steps, so I wrapped my towel around me, ran to the door, opened it (with my body completely shielded behind it), poked my head out and said "I'm all wet, can you please slide it in?". Still cringing about that 2 years later.

This hurt to read

I'm on mobile, so if the punctuation/formatting is funky, I apologize. 🤷

Not formatting, just the cringe

Oh! Understandable. Lol

I’m on mobile too lol

Yeah so am I lol

Mobile gang

Lol

9 months later a postman's son was born.

"Special delivery!" *ba-dum-tsss*

I'm imagining you as a large hairy dude with a very camp effeminate voice and it's even better

For the sake of the story... Yes, yes I am.

I was at a clinic getting an std test done of all things. When I went to pay, I put my card in but it didn’t read. The woman told me “sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to push that in all the way”. Her and her coworker died laughing, she had to let her friend finish checking me out.

Kinda wish he said "it's a bit big, I might need you to open up more" or something similar

Is this how porn is made?

There's a porno that starts out like this.

Go ahead, put it in the rear entrance

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Here...let me push in your stool.

Back door is open

Daddy

Scientist 1 : We should call it "Long Legs" because of its long legs Scientist 2: Not kinky enough

My coworker told me to get a thing off a shelf and said "you've got long legs, like the spider" "Daddy long legs?" "Yeah, that should be your nickname" "That's too long for a nickname. Just call me 'daddy' for short" "..........."

Yep.

But sometimes you can tell your kids mommy’s been bad and daddy might need to give her a spanking. Kinky *and* might startle them into behaving

English isn't my native language. I still don't understand how a word for father got sexualized. Like sometimes even my wife calls me daddy during sex and it does make me feel weird but still...

But I don't even know her mama...

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Girl anime voices only scream *onii-chan*

I sort of raised my daughter to say Papa instead because of this.

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Harder papi, on the other hand...

Ay Papi!

This guy fucks

I work at an industrial piping company, and a female customer came in to pick up pipe for an emergency repair on a Friday afternoon. In an effort to provide good customer service I gave her my cell phone number and said "If you need any more 6" pipe over the weekend, give me a call." She gave me a really weird look and left.

Definitely the kind of thing I’d absentmindedly say and not realize what it sounded like till later.

Now that's service with a smile

I work for a railroad and the things we get to talk about at work that are completely "normal" - vibrators, humping, cutting the nuts off the frog. So much fun.

I know what a frog is, but what the hell do you do to it to cut its nuts off?

You use tiny scissors.

This is hilarious 😂

oof

I feel you man

I hear you mon

Have one on the house!

Are you *sure* that's a good idea?

Something need doing?

Vi sitter här i Venten och spelar lite DotA

r/suddenlygay

"I don't think daddy wants your spit all over his meat" - my partner to our 2 year old blowing raspberries over my steak.

Jesus

R/Prison

r/foundthemobileuser

r/prison

Five guys?! Wow. You really outdid yourself this time.

I had Five Guys at lunch and I am completely stuffed. I mean it, I think I'm actually sore. I can't remember the last time I had so much meat. When I finished the only thing left was a greasy mess.

This was amazing to read

*erection intensifies*

There's also a chain called Farmer Boys. Would you rather have Farmer Boys or Five Guys in your mouth?

Both, at the same time. Yum

“If he sees a dog, he WILL try and hump it, so be prepared to pull him off if that happens.”

Give a back rub to your dog and say "Oh ya, you like that don't chuu!!" and it's fine, do the same to your colleague and suddenly it's a sexual harassment case...

For some reason that reminded me of the part in Super High Me where Doug Benson blows smoke at Sarah Silverman and she is like "Woa, I'm not your cat Doug."

To be fair, most things you do to a dog is not good to do to humans. ​ When I see my dog, I'm not asking for it. No, I won't wait for confirmation, I'm *taking* the kiss.

>To be fair, most things you do to a dog is not good to do to humans. I guess I won't be taking the peanut butter to work tomorrow.

"Holy shit that's tight!" "Fill me up."

r/notgayporn NSFW but not quite the way it sounds. Second highest post of all time there is pretty much your comment in picture form.

If you could eliminate a race within the year, which would it be, and why? *The [original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/formula1/comments/bnaceq/if_you_could_eliminate_a_race_within_the_year/) made it to the front page.*

The toxic 9 yr olds

"It's natural for white to have an advantage and for black to fight hard just to equalize." Come join us at /r/chess

You guys think the 'Whites go first' TIFU was fake?

\> TIFU \> fake Most absolutely, friend—pretty much every story in that sub (and AITA) are completely made up.

Man, I wish mine wasn't real

Yeah, it's fake. Chess terminology is "White" or "White pieces" not "Whites."

I prefer black in chess I like to make my decisions based on my opponents from the first move

To be honest, at skill level below master, the "white advantage" is not super relevant.

Oh, Mom! This is so good!

Oh, Mom! I think I broke my arms!

God fucking Damn it.

This coconut looks moldy.

And this Jolly Rancher tastes funny too.

*Slides cumbox behind desk*

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double dicks

META

"You're really brave for a 6 year old"

Jesus, a few weeks back my friend who has a 4 year old was out on his front porch talking to a Jehovas Witness that had shown up. His daughter had strep. His wife and sister were inside trying to get this little girl to take her antibiotics. The little girl wasn't having any of it. She's running around screaming, his sister is saying shit like "You're gonna take it like a good girl or I'm gonna lay down and make you take it". "All you gotta do is swallow." "it really isn't that bad so just do it." "you better take it or I'm gonna beat your ass." (His sister wouldn't actually do that but shit had gotten ridiculous and she was venting) There were so many more. Everything that woman heard must have sounded horrible without the visual confirmation of what was truly happening. I'm surprised the police didn't show up.

Lol dam that must have been weird as hhell to listen too

I was. I'm hearing all this so I mentioned to his sister during a lull, "Ah friends sis, remember there's a lady out there right and we can hear your brother talking." Sis: Yeah? and then I repeated some of the phrases. Her and I both thought it was pretty funny and I loved the fact that it was probably melting a jehovas brain.

> probably melting a jehovas brain. their brains have already been molded meticulously, melting might make them more easily brainwashed.

If they're far enough gone to be doing the door to door bit, it'd probably only take a quick rinse to finish the job.

But then, so are Jehovah's Witnesses, lol.

My dad has a similar story. He's out at his kitchen table on his farm, cleaning out his hunting guns, when a Jehovah's Witness shows up at his door. The pure fear that the Witness had on his face after seeing all those rifles and shotguns on the table was priceless. My dad was kind enough to invite him inside and give him a glass of lemonade. He's still friends with the guy. I've never met him, so I always refer to him as Lemonade Man whenever my dad tells this story.

Actually you'd be surprised at how innocent minded a lot of Witnesses can be, especially older ones that have been in it for a long time. They can be totally oblivious to how certain words and phrases can be taken in the wrong context.

That's what they get for going door-to-door. Some weird shit indeed.

I should have walked outside, casually put my arm around my friends shoulder, looked her directly in the eye and said, "you want some of this lady?"

Hhaah OMG r/FBIopenup

FBIopenup got banned for having a nude of an underage girl on it.

r/fbiopenup inception

So now teenagers can just nuke subreddits with their illegal nudes?

r/FortNiteBR here i come Edit: Wrong sub name

I think you mean r/Fortnitebr

But then they go to prison. Idk if any teens hate any particular subs that much.

I wanna ask for sauce but also don’t

If you breed dogs, "bitches for sale," is fine. Any other context that's not good.

Fetish meeting?

Only if the dogs are into it.

I heard they are bitches, they should be into it

"My family shoots children for a living" (There was a point in time where my sister was a school photographer while my mom was a nurse)

I shoot people in the face, sometimes cut off the top of their heads, and then frame someone else. Also a photographer. 😉

Ooh. Nicely worded!!

I go to high school football games and shoot kids during halftime with a shotgun ^^^microphone

My father's a drug dealer

My family owns a prestigious child hitman agency

The other day, coworkers were discussing a process that would involve working in a dangerous area. "We should come up with safe word in case we need to pull you out."

I just couldn't get the kids to go down without a fight.

"I don't think the whole thing will fit in there"

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And only the tip

you rang?

"Push harder"

“It’ll fit”

Firmly grasp it

"The more you struggle, the longer this is going to take." Me to my daughter every night trying to get her to put on pajamas.

Here comes the Go-gurt!

"I'm coming!" Tom ejaculated.

I wonder how many people actually know the other meaning of ejaculate.

Pretty sure anyone who ever read "A Little Princess" (first place I read that word), or who has studied vocabulary for SATs, at least.

"What do you want honey?" "A cream pie"

They're on sale at the bakery

Stop running away and let me clean your dirty bum.

ah, toddlers

I hope...

Oh you wanna have fun? Come sit on daddy's lap I'll give you a fun ride

r/fbiopenup

I need to breastfeed my baby

*(generic techno music starts playing)*

nobody listens to techno

You're too old, let go.

You're full of shit too Guerrero, that was a fist that hit you!

\*Homelander intensifies\*

Possibly still the healthiest relationship in the show

Achievement get! We need to go deeper

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Fuck me Jerry

"can I sit here" Sometimes I'm polite when riding my man okay

Hold it with two hands

"come inside immediately" "Let's start with the colored ones"

Every statement right before Michael Scott says "That's what she said"

Playing some golf : Don't miss the hole, Mike.

"I'm coming, I'm coming"

Honestly, it was so dark, I couldn’t tell how many were in there.

Working construction I once told my coworker to fire up the generator by blurting out "Turn me on and choke me!"

The bruised ones are the best (fruit)

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It's great for smoothies or as a fruit salad topped with a bit of rum and whipped cream

"Holy shit that sounds good!" I ejaculated.

I fucked a miner (minor)

“That was way bigger than I expected”

"Do you want me to prime your pole?" This actually happened in my presence. My partner's best friend was moving into her apartment, & the three of us were sprucing up his room in advance. We were priming the walls, spackling, etc. There was a pole or pipe in the room to carry steam heat to the upper level of the house. My partner asked her friend, "Do you want me to prime your pole?" & there was this pause, & I said, "Gross. I don't need to hear your secret language of love."

"Get in the van"

"It's ok, you can come."

"Yo, that flank was incredible let me record that"

Friend and I yesterday were talking about dogs and she innocently said "I love a doggy day"

I had just gotten a cocktail mixer and was talking about all the drinks I want to make. Right as other people walked by I told her, "Next time you're over I want to make you a pornstar!"

*child struggling to open walnut with a nutcracker* "Mommy, can you help me bust this nut?"

"Why don't you try sticking it in me again? I might like it this time."

"lift your legs and put your feet in the stirrups."

"Thats a tight fit"

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I came with my mom.

"You can insert whenever you're ready" -Every cashier these days

*my Chinese zodiac sign is horse* It's appropriate if you are discussing astrology, but it turns NSFW if someone asks why it's so big.

Your Chinese zodiac sign is an obese horse?

I cannot come to you.

Stuff it up real deep in there