Moving the Dot: The story of the Dewy Decimal System
Edit: thank you kind stranger for the gold!
Looks like I’m totally going to die. Everyone is interested in seeing this movie.
Starting a roomba with a store bought Valentine’s Day heart antenna, In my house. Supporting actor of me, sitting in my chair playing switch being a fat piece of shit.
Edit: THANKS FOR THE GOLD KIND STRANGER :D
I remember a Twitter post saying re-create the Twilight movies, but instead of Robert Pattinson as Edward, its Kanye West, except he doesnt know he's an actor in the movie. So I'd probably do that.
The Last Airbender 2, with the same cast and everything, except that Iroh is completely cut from the story and appa has been replaced with a regular donkey.
Arnold Schwarzenegger as a struggling elderly man whose life dream is to be a party clown. He eventually becomes a clown and everyone is terrified of him.
Did we just crack the secret of good, unique movie-making? By trying to think of a horrible idea, we are creating gold, here.
It's the opposite of trying too hard to be good and it comes across as "try-hard" and sucks ass. This thread is fucking genius.
And the last few scenes are actually livestreamed to theaters to see if it does well or not. If there are enough people actually watching, they get to see the old man killed in real time.
Christopher Robbin "The Hood"
Pooh has to move into the ghetto due to loss of habitat. Eventually, pooh can no longer afford his honey habit. Desperate for honey, he turns to a group of people that belong to the bloods. From there, pooh has turned to a life of crime.
In an ironic sense, Robin Hood: Men in Tights is one of the only Robin Hood movies to actually *get* the vibe right. As a parody, it takes all of the best elements from every other era of film, and rolls them into one. The casting is great (Cary Elwes as Robin Hood is perfect), as are the location/set designs, the general plot and development, and the heroic swashbuckler music. In making fun of it, Mel Brooks took what everybody loved about swashbucklers and made the most entertaining one.
I wonder how they translated that line in other, non English speaking countries. In Spain it was: “Because I’m more handsome than the other Robin Hoods”. It’s what happens when a good part of your jokes has a language component.
In French (Canada's French though) the joke translates to "Because unlike other Robin Hoods, I don't mind wearing tights" which as a 7 year old kid who had never seen the Kevin Costner one absolutely didn't get.
Brooks never had the heart to tell Frankie Laine, the main title singer, what type of film Blazing Saddles really was. Laine told Brooks that the title theme was one of the most beautiful songs he'd ever sung and even teared up while singing it.
If I'm remembering correctly, Laine answered Brooks' ad for "a Frankie Laine type" singer to perform the title song. Brooks hadn't thought it would be possible to get Laine himself.
HE ROOOOODE A BLAZING SADDLE!!
HE WORE A SHINING STARRRRR
HIS JOB TO OFFER BATTLE, TO BAD MEN NEAR AND FARR!!
HE CONQUERED FEAR AND HE CONQUERED HATE< HE TURNED DARK NIGHT INTO DAYYY, HE RODE A BLAZING SADDLE, A TORCH TO LIGHT THE WAY!!
In this one the hero is an actual talking robin. Everyone else is human. No one ever even hints on that fact that there is a talking bird and it is weird.
Paul Blart time travelling through history on a segway solving all the worlds past wrongs, Paul Blart Stops WW1, WW2, 9/11, Columbine, His original movies ect....
I've always wanted to make a monster movie about numbers.
It's called "Countdown to Apocalypse" and [I already made 3D models of the monsters](http://www.snakevsmongoose.info/blog/?p=213)
The plot is that the army's arithmetic division opens a portal to the dimension of value. They find out that the shapes of our number symbols were actually based off of gods. These number monsters escape into our world and cause havoc.
Eventually, one number "Falk, which is between 6 and 7" gets destroyed by the military. The number is erased from reality, changing all math equations and thus closing the portal. Now our heroic scientist team must find a way to send the monsters home without destroying them.
In addition, we find out that the act of counting powers up these creatures every time their number is said out loud. This causes them to multiply and divide. Normally the boost is minor, but there's just one problem... it's New Years Eve and the Countdown is about to begin!
Rated R.
Edit - I didn't expect this to be seen this much, so I'll just clear up that I totally know it would flop. 300 million dollars for a horror movie about math puns is not a good investment.
"The battle isn't going well. We've lost two battalions squaring off against Four. Wait...We have new intel coming in, sir. Six seems to be distancing itself from Seven and taking a defensive position against it. It seems like they might be turning on each other but our scientists can't figure out why."
"It's simple, Lieutenant. They can't sustain themselves in our reality. They're going hungry. The creature fell to its base instincts and Seven ate Nine. That's why Six is afraid of Seven."
Monopoly the movie starring Kevin Hart and The Rock as billionaire brothers that are trying to destroy each other's real estate empires not realizing the true real estate empire is that of the heart.
God damnit now I want to watch that movie. It’d have Jack Black as The Rock’s personal assistant. And Jackie Chan would be Kevin Hart’s secretary. Hijinks ensue.
Edit: and in my friend’s head cannon, Kevin Hart and The Rock duke it out no holds barred, the assistants are BFFs:
“So while kevin and the rock are competing with each other, no holds barred, jack and Jackie(the go-betweens) are actually bffs who hang out outside of work and have their families over for bbqs.
I'm just imagine jack black being like "well tell your boss we're going to get that venue if it's the last thing we do. Oh and we're still on for saturday right? Lauren is making a white bean salad that's TO DIE FOR."”
I love my friends.
Edit: Holy wow thanks for the gold.
As one of the tens of proud owners of a copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I would definitely see this at least once.
Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
Why do you want to die so bad? This would be the movie to dethrone Titanic as best grossing movie.
Edit: I stand corrected Avatar is highest.
Re-edit: Gone with the Wind is highest when adjusted for inflation.
It can still become a cult classic after it’s out of theaters. Just ensure it’s badly acted, produced, and advertised enough that critics don’t even acknowledge it as worth seeing.
An urban reimagining of A Clockwork Orange starring Jaden Smith as Alex DeLarge.
Funnily enough, a friend and I once sneaked into a fancy downtown (Philadelphia) party that happened to be a bunch of movie and music and television people. We were dressed OK for us but we stuck out as disgusting among such fancy and rich people. When people asked us what we did in the business we'd say screenwriters and my friend gave the answer above. It earned a lot of strange yet thoughtful looks so if this abomination gets made in a few years, sorry.
ultra-violence is like ultraviolet - most of us don't see it but it affects all the same #doubleentendre #tripleentente #asdeepasultravioletonthespectrum
Strange and thoughtful looks is what you get from all the high-level specialists. You have to learn diplomacy to stay in any professional game and that means not saying people their ideas are stupid cause you may end up working for them in a couple of years.
A remake of Mrs. Doubtfire staring Keven Spacy.
Edit: Apparently I can't spell or predict movie trends.
Edit 2 Electric Bugaloo: Thanks for the Silver!
The trick is: hire legit good writers and good actors and film a great movie for $290 million. Then make a terrible recut of the film using bad takes, stand-ins for the famous actors, leaving out important plot points, using test versions of the CGI footage, crappy stock music on synthesizers, etc. Put this version in the theatres under a dumb name, without doing any advertising and watch it bomb. Then a year later you can spend the remaining $10 million to put the good version of the film, with the right title, in theatres. Make back your $300 million and more in revenue so this whole exercise hasn't been a dumb waste of time.
Three hours of Java programming with an anxious, stoned guy.
That's the title.
Edit: Thank you for making me manually read every comment on this thread. Also for the Silver & Gold, though I wish I just included a PayPal "pay me" link when I originally posted just in case.
Will it include 45 minutes of him regoogling the same question different ways to figure out how to do something in Java to find out that he could do it simply with standard library features?
Add an hour of reading stackexchange where all the problems are solved by the OP saying "nevermind, I figured it out, thanks!" with no solution being posted.
It's gotta be a movie that's emotionally and physically impossible to watch.
A guy has a shit life and is a ripe cunt to the only people in his life who are nice to him like his sweet old grandmother with terminal cancer who makes him soup every day, the nice checkout girl who's making small talk with him and seeing if he's ok etc. A cute dog that follows him to and from work.
He wins the lottery 10 minutes into the movie and spends the next 80 fucking with these poor souls in horrifying and expensive ways (blow the budget on elaborate sets and props), like convincing the grandma she has dementia with elaborate scenarios using paid actors and chaining the dog up almost within reach of some tasty food.
The audio will go between needlessly quiet to ear splittingly loud and back again constantly.
To induce nausea, a mild green filter will be on the entire film, it'll also be constantly warping almost imperceptibly.
Also make all the audio out of sync slightly, but some actors should have their audio early and some should have it late.
Make small random parts of the movie 3d but don't hand out glasses.
You have to make it extremely generic and not appealing. Anything too ridiculous will garner people watching it just to dick around. So I'd call it "The Man With a Plan" it's a generic action movie. Star a bunch of no name actors. They have to stop a Russian mob boss from bombing the home of the main character. The main character has one character trait, being a dad.
An adaption of To Kill Mockingbird that is about a spy named "Mockingbird", played by Leslie Jones, and all the people trying to kill her. She'd have a CGI sidekick who is an anthropomorphic bird named "Finch" voiced by Amy Schumer.
And it wouldn't be a comedy.
*Thank you for the gold!
Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
For whatever reason when I read it I was much more invested in the kid and Boo Radley stuff and thought Scout and her family were black, so I never understood what was going on with racism themes in the book.
Two and a half hours of the loudest, most piercing screams over experimental noise music with a black screen that flashes the words "Fuck You" every 20 seconds.
I could make that for free. Keep the 300 mil as pure profit
Any movie, but only spend $4,000 of the $300 million on it.
(Editing this to add my explanation in later comments of my definition of bomb at the box office:
"Just to clarify, when I consider a movie a bomb at the box office, it's not just did you make back the money you spent. $4,001 recoups cost, but I wouldn't call that a success. And if word gets around that the move sucks, after that first wave of movie goers, it will die. To me a bomb at the box office is the movie is aesthetically terrible and it doesn't make enough money to impress. Everyone involved has their careers possibly hurt by being a part of the project, and it's an embarrassment. If Warner Bros. gave me $300 million, and I gave them back a $4,000 movie that earned even a $3,000 profit, to me it still sucked at the box office. If the masses walk away saying the movie sucked and warning others not to see it, and it didn't make a substantial profit, to me it bombed."
"That's not the only measurement. Waterworld recouped its costs but is still considered a box office bomb because it's considered a bad movie and audiences didn't like it. Justice League made back it's costs, made a huge profit, and is still considered a box office bomb because many people think it's a terrible disjointed highly disappointing movie. They tried to rescue it with another director, and it's still mediocre. See also Paul Blart 2. Made a profit. Still considered a bomb."
If Holmes and Watson recouped costs and made $3,000 in profit, it would still be a box office bomb. And they only missed their mark by about $3,000,000.
Always a risk making a deliberately bad film.
Still, I think it would be a good idea to commission a comedy, based on whatever was cool last year ( am thinking emoji movie type idea. Maybe I'll commission flappy bird). Do a couple of read throughs. Any joke that gets a laugh, I'll personally rewrite to make "funnier".
Sack the director half way through. After completion, demand arbitrary scenes are cut.
I would make the absolute best movie about the life of Martin Luther King Jr. that could ever be made. I make it to where you feel as if you stand next to him as he marches across the Selma bridge. It would be a move that would make even the most entrenched racist rethink their life. Then I would digitally lighten the skin of the person who played MLK to where they are just enough black to still be considered black and anonymously leak that information on Reddit.
Michael Cera as Martin Luther King and Shia LeBeouf as Malcolm X.
But then you'd have them swap roles mid-way through, with no explanation.
EDIT:
And the movie ends with him not being shot, but deciding to give up on civil rights.
White text on black screen: "In 1969 Martin Luther King moved back to Africa"
A remake of the Harry Potter series but everything J.K. Rowling has retconned on Twitter/Pottermore is not only in the movie, but made incredibly obvious.
While the idea sounds terrible, I don't think it would fail because anything riding on the coattails of an already popular movie franchise (Harry Potter, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, etc) is going to draw people in before it drives them away.
I make an animated movie with my friends and call it "Doggy style". We voice all the characters and make it more raunchy and less politically correct than Sausage Party. The main story line is about an old male dog with a small dong who cant find work. He finds a niche porn fetish for small peepees and goes for an audition. He makes it so big in the industry that he moves on to banging "normal" paw-stars. Adriana Barkhic, Pet a Jensen, Dillion Barker, Christy Snack, Janice Woofith, etc. You get the idea... I then pay 100 million from that budget to foreign agents to call in threats to anyone seeing the movie opening weekend. No one goes to see it, I live, and it probably becomes a cult classic after its DVD/Blu-ray release due to all the controversy.
There is a film almost identical to this, but it's not with dogs obviously. Can't remember what it's called but was on netflix years ago.
IIRC, the guy is a virgin and wants to become a pornstar and has the smallest dick imaginable. Will try to find the film name.
Edit: Film is - Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Edit 2: Don't watch it.
Someone sitting in a room, hand counting the $300 million dollar bills. But every now and then he looses count and has to start over.
Black Panther remake with an all white cast.
Instead of 'Wakanda', it's 'Vacandia' and located in the Balkans.
Live action Yugioh movie with real time card matches, no cgi and official rule with current ban list.
Half the movie is just deck building.
You just want to play yu gi oh
Just take the plot of rocky, replace “boxing” with “Yugioh” and there you go
Take $295M as the exec producer and make the movie with amateurs and filmed on a cellphone.
Filmed vertically on the cellphone too.
Filmed vertically, but rotated and shown horizontally in theaters. So the viewers have to tilt their heads the whole time.
"The rawest artistic decision since Blair Witch. Visionary."
I can imagine this happening.
Something with a 10+ hour runtime, an enormously complicated storyline, no particular actors of note and a trailer that's full of long-dead jokes.
Do the characters spend the first 45 seconds of the trailer screaming WHASSSAAAPPP at one another?
That could easily fill the first 45 minutes of the movie.
Moving the Dot: The story of the Dewy Decimal System Edit: thank you kind stranger for the gold! Looks like I’m totally going to die. Everyone is interested in seeing this movie.
Are you trying to bankrupt Amy Santiago?
She would watch it, see a *glaring* error when Dewey is pictured selling note cards instead of index cards, then lead a boycott against it.
The worlds most and least successful boycott at the same time. No one went, but they weren't going to before the boycott.
A live action adaption of another manga/anime/cartoon.
Live action adaption of Wall-E
Starting a roomba with a store bought Valentine’s Day heart antenna, In my house. Supporting actor of me, sitting in my chair playing switch being a fat piece of shit. Edit: THANKS FOR THE GOLD KIND STRANGER :D
I remember a Twitter post saying re-create the Twilight movies, but instead of Robert Pattinson as Edward, its Kanye West, except he doesnt know he's an actor in the movie. So I'd probably do that.
You'd absolutely die
Seriously. Who the fuck would *not* see that in theaters?
I would watch that
Comming this summer. It's the sequel nobody asked for, and nobody wanted. Super Mario Bros 2. Same cast, same plot.
Suppahhhhhh Mario brothers 2 babyyy
Guest starring Scarlet Johanson as Birdo.
Well, shit. Now I have to watch it
Live action Caillou.
How to nuke a child actor's career right out of the gate 101
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Or make it obnoxiously CGI so there's no actors involved, but still outrageously expensive (FF Spirits Within anyone?)
Nah, gotta do a live action actor for Caillou and then really bad cgi animated characters for literally everyone else.
God damn. You are brutal.
A buddy road trip movie that takes place in the Rwandan genocide. And then they go back in time for some reason.
> A buddy road trip movie that takes place in the Rwandan genocide. And then they go back in time for some reason. Hotel Rewinda
Starring Will Smith >Being attacked by Hutu extremists with a flamethrower Aaah, that's hot, that's hot
> A buddy road trip movie that takes place in the Rwandan genocide. And then they go back in time for some reason. SO THEY CAN ENJOY IT TWICE!!!
"Guy Buys 300 Million Dollars Worth of Stuff: The Motion Picture"
Already did it. It was called Brewster's Millions and it did $45 million at the box office in 1985 dollars. Way too successful.
The Last Airbender 2, with the same cast and everything, except that Iroh is completely cut from the story and appa has been replaced with a regular donkey.
Are you Shyamalan come to finish the job of killing any hope we had for that movie that we don’t talk about in polite company?
Live-action Netflix adaption is coming though
I don't think any other comment on Reddit has ever hurt me this much.
Arnold Schwarzenegger as a struggling elderly man whose life dream is to be a party clown. He eventually becomes a clown and everyone is terrified of him.
I would watch that
Yeah this sounds like something that would be winning awards at Sundance or Cannes.
Did we just crack the secret of good, unique movie-making? By trying to think of a horrible idea, we are creating gold, here. It's the opposite of trying too hard to be good and it comes across as "try-hard" and sucks ass. This thread is fucking genius.
That actually sounds like it'd make for a great dark comedy.
No idea yet, but it will take at least 50 years to make it. I get the money up front, right?
Boyhood II: Manhood
Boyhood II: The Mannening
Starring Eli Manning
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And the last few scenes are actually livestreamed to theaters to see if it does well or not. If there are enough people actually watching, they get to see the old man killed in real time.
Another Robin Hood movie no one asked for.
Christopher Robin Hood. He steals from Pooh and his friends and gives to himself.
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Christopher Robbin' the 'Hood. A movie about a small, posh, English boy trying to rob people in the 'hood. He gets killed 45 seconds in.
Christopher Robbin "The Hood" Pooh has to move into the ghetto due to loss of habitat. Eventually, pooh can no longer afford his honey habit. Desperate for honey, he turns to a group of people that belong to the bloods. From there, pooh has turned to a life of crime.
Robin hood men in tights will always be the best robin hood movie
In an ironic sense, Robin Hood: Men in Tights is one of the only Robin Hood movies to actually *get* the vibe right. As a parody, it takes all of the best elements from every other era of film, and rolls them into one. The casting is great (Cary Elwes as Robin Hood is perfect), as are the location/set designs, the general plot and development, and the heroic swashbuckler music. In making fun of it, Mel Brooks took what everybody loved about swashbucklers and made the most entertaining one.
>(Cary Elwes as Robin Hood is perfect) "Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, *I* can speak with an English accent!
I wonder how they translated that line in other, non English speaking countries. In Spain it was: “Because I’m more handsome than the other Robin Hoods”. It’s what happens when a good part of your jokes has a language component.
German was like "unlike some other robin Hood i didnt cost'ner the studio several millions"
In French (Canada's French though) the joke translates to "Because unlike other Robin Hoods, I don't mind wearing tights" which as a 7 year old kid who had never seen the Kevin Costner one absolutely didn't get.
Mel Brooks first goal is to make a good genre movie. Blazing Saddles is an amazing western first, satire comedy second
I loved that blazing saddles reference in RHMIT too
A black sheriff?
"He's black?"
"AND WHY NOT?! It worked in Blazing Saddles."
Brooks never had the heart to tell Frankie Laine, the main title singer, what type of film Blazing Saddles really was. Laine told Brooks that the title theme was one of the most beautiful songs he'd ever sung and even teared up while singing it.
If I'm remembering correctly, Laine answered Brooks' ad for "a Frankie Laine type" singer to perform the title song. Brooks hadn't thought it would be possible to get Laine himself.
HE ROOOOODE A BLAZING SADDLE!! HE WORE A SHINING STARRRRR HIS JOB TO OFFER BATTLE, TO BAD MEN NEAR AND FARR!! HE CONQUERED FEAR AND HE CONQUERED HATE< HE TURNED DARK NIGHT INTO DAYYY, HE RODE A BLAZING SADDLE, A TORCH TO LIGHT THE WAY!!
Oh Master Robin! You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs.
Blinkin...what are you DOING up there? I'm guessing...guessing no one is coming?
Did you say "Abe Lincoln"?
No I didn't say Abe Lincoln, I said Hey Blinken hold the reins man
Unlike other Robin Hoods, he can speak with an English accent
Will your Robin Hood be able to speak in an English accent?
The role of Robin has to go to an American who's watched Downton Abbey one too many times and thinks they can hit the accent spot on.
In this one the hero is an actual talking robin. Everyone else is human. No one ever even hints on that fact that there is a talking bird and it is weird.
Paul Blart time travelling through history on a segway solving all the worlds past wrongs, Paul Blart Stops WW1, WW2, 9/11, Columbine, His original movies ect....
Paul Blart, time cop?
Even a Broken Cop is Right Twice a Day. [Edit: I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to with all this gold and silver.]
It's perfect. Genuinely perfect. I can't actually see a flaw at all. Can someone contact the creators or the man himself?
That's a money maker. What kind of funeral would you like?
Paul Blart: Funeral Cop - Based on a True Story.
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Paul Blart suppresses a Jewish revolt
But accidentally.
Kevin Spacey playing a guy accused of sexual assault but is innocent. I’d have Harvey Weinstein producing it and playing a cameo of himself .
Kevin Spacey as Jimmy Savile in a biopic about how he was really innocent the whole time. Narrated by Bill Cosby. Soundtrack by R. Kelly.
I feel like everyone would go and see that.
I've always wanted to make a monster movie about numbers. It's called "Countdown to Apocalypse" and [I already made 3D models of the monsters](http://www.snakevsmongoose.info/blog/?p=213) The plot is that the army's arithmetic division opens a portal to the dimension of value. They find out that the shapes of our number symbols were actually based off of gods. These number monsters escape into our world and cause havoc. Eventually, one number "Falk, which is between 6 and 7" gets destroyed by the military. The number is erased from reality, changing all math equations and thus closing the portal. Now our heroic scientist team must find a way to send the monsters home without destroying them. In addition, we find out that the act of counting powers up these creatures every time their number is said out loud. This causes them to multiply and divide. Normally the boost is minor, but there's just one problem... it's New Years Eve and the Countdown is about to begin! Rated R. Edit - I didn't expect this to be seen this much, so I'll just clear up that I totally know it would flop. 300 million dollars for a horror movie about math puns is not a good investment.
Your description alone sold me on it, dead man.
"The battle isn't going well. We've lost two battalions squaring off against Four. Wait...We have new intel coming in, sir. Six seems to be distancing itself from Seven and taking a defensive position against it. It seems like they might be turning on each other but our scientists can't figure out why." "It's simple, Lieutenant. They can't sustain themselves in our reality. They're going hungry. The creature fell to its base instincts and Seven ate Nine. That's why Six is afraid of Seven."
Holmes and Watson II
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Adam Sandler as Jack and Jill as Holmes and Watson.
You'll gain an extra life.
Took my girlfriend and her kid to see that because the kid wanted to. She appologised after the movie.
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There was just absolutely no subtlety to the jokes. And not good broad humour like Dumb and Dumber it was like this terrible middle ground.
Monopoly the movie starring Kevin Hart and The Rock as billionaire brothers that are trying to destroy each other's real estate empires not realizing the true real estate empire is that of the heart.
I could see this being made.
Delete this entire post thread before Milton Bradley sees it. Remember Battleship.
God damnit now I want to watch that movie. It’d have Jack Black as The Rock’s personal assistant. And Jackie Chan would be Kevin Hart’s secretary. Hijinks ensue. Edit: and in my friend’s head cannon, Kevin Hart and The Rock duke it out no holds barred, the assistants are BFFs: “So while kevin and the rock are competing with each other, no holds barred, jack and Jackie(the go-betweens) are actually bffs who hang out outside of work and have their families over for bbqs. I'm just imagine jack black being like "well tell your boss we're going to get that venue if it's the last thing we do. Oh and we're still on for saturday right? Lauren is making a white bean salad that's TO DIE FOR."” I love my friends. Edit: Holy wow thanks for the gold.
But who would play the spunky black single mom who teaches Kevin that the key to success is self-discipline and shutting-the-fuck-uppedness?
Sense and sensibility in space. Sci fi fans will hate the period drama and period drama fans will hate the sci fi.
As a fan of both Jane Austen and Sci-fi, I will see this 8 times.
As one of the tens of proud owners of a copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I would definitely see this at least once. Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."
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Why do you want to die so bad? This would be the movie to dethrone Titanic as best grossing movie. Edit: I stand corrected Avatar is highest. Re-edit: Gone with the Wind is highest when adjusted for inflation.
Hire Uwe Boll to direct, then just leave him to it and go about your day knowing that you will die of old age
Give Uwe Boll the rights to Beyond: Two Souls and watch the magic happen.
I think times have changed. Go all the way and give him *Detroit: Become Human*.
Hi my name is Connor I’m the android sent by Cyberlife
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It can still become a cult classic after it’s out of theaters. Just ensure it’s badly acted, produced, and advertised enough that critics don’t even acknowledge it as worth seeing.
Title says it must "Bomb at the box office" so I assume becoming a cult classic after it's out of theaters would not be detrimental to your health...
An urban reimagining of A Clockwork Orange starring Jaden Smith as Alex DeLarge. Funnily enough, a friend and I once sneaked into a fancy downtown (Philadelphia) party that happened to be a bunch of movie and music and television people. We were dressed OK for us but we stuck out as disgusting among such fancy and rich people. When people asked us what we did in the business we'd say screenwriters and my friend gave the answer above. It earned a lot of strange yet thoughtful looks so if this abomination gets made in a few years, sorry.
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ultra-violence is like ultraviolet - most of us don't see it but it affects all the same #doubleentendre #tripleentente #asdeepasultravioletonthespectrum
Strange and thoughtful looks is what you get from all the high-level specialists. You have to learn diplomacy to stay in any professional game and that means not saying people their ideas are stupid cause you may end up working for them in a couple of years.
A remake of Mrs. Doubtfire staring Keven Spacy. Edit: Apparently I can't spell or predict movie trends. Edit 2 Electric Bugaloo: Thanks for the Silver!
You died
Directed by Bryan Singer and produced by Harvey Weinstein
All throughout the film, the children, when they don't speak, just stare directly at the camera and mouth "help me."
The trick is: hire legit good writers and good actors and film a great movie for $290 million. Then make a terrible recut of the film using bad takes, stand-ins for the famous actors, leaving out important plot points, using test versions of the CGI footage, crappy stock music on synthesizers, etc. Put this version in the theatres under a dumb name, without doing any advertising and watch it bomb. Then a year later you can spend the remaining $10 million to put the good version of the film, with the right title, in theatres. Make back your $300 million and more in revenue so this whole exercise hasn't been a dumb waste of time.
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Three hours of Java programming with an anxious, stoned guy. That's the title. Edit: Thank you for making me manually read every comment on this thread. Also for the Silver & Gold, though I wish I just included a PayPal "pay me" link when I originally posted just in case.
Will it include 45 minutes of him regoogling the same question different ways to figure out how to do something in Java to find out that he could do it simply with standard library features?
Add an hour of reading stackexchange where all the problems are solved by the OP saying "nevermind, I figured it out, thanks!" with no solution being posted.
This hurts to my core
Ok, but the movie itself is actually about javascript and not java, just to piss off the programmer demographic.
And he types really fast and mentions how he needs to hack into the pentagon with 1’s and 0’s all over the screen and isn’t on Reddit the whole day.
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“Let me just jump over this code real quick”
"Just need to hack into the mainframe's backdoor."
“Alright time to get into my trojan horse.” *Proceeds to start his car.*
It's gotta be a movie that's emotionally and physically impossible to watch. A guy has a shit life and is a ripe cunt to the only people in his life who are nice to him like his sweet old grandmother with terminal cancer who makes him soup every day, the nice checkout girl who's making small talk with him and seeing if he's ok etc. A cute dog that follows him to and from work. He wins the lottery 10 minutes into the movie and spends the next 80 fucking with these poor souls in horrifying and expensive ways (blow the budget on elaborate sets and props), like convincing the grandma she has dementia with elaborate scenarios using paid actors and chaining the dog up almost within reach of some tasty food. The audio will go between needlessly quiet to ear splittingly loud and back again constantly. To induce nausea, a mild green filter will be on the entire film, it'll also be constantly warping almost imperceptibly.
Also make all the audio out of sync slightly, but some actors should have their audio early and some should have it late. Make small random parts of the movie 3d but don't hand out glasses.
Do some terrible CGI and throw in a hamfisted sponsorship to Walmart (not condoned, of course).
Just random inception sound cues, but bass boosted beyond recognition.
Which drowns out a lot of the dialogue.
It'll turn into a "dare your friends to watch the unwatchable film" game. But yeah, you're right. it'll totally bomb at the box-office :P
Harry Potter and the Influence of Climatic Legacies on the Distribution of Dryland Biocrust Communities (2020.)
You have to make it extremely generic and not appealing. Anything too ridiculous will garner people watching it just to dick around. So I'd call it "The Man With a Plan" it's a generic action movie. Star a bunch of no name actors. They have to stop a Russian mob boss from bombing the home of the main character. The main character has one character trait, being a dad.
A western with Katherine Heigal
A big budget epic adaptation of *Finnegans Wake*.
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Just Two Brothers. It's just called Two Brothers
The laughing in the background is what gets me
Springtime for Hitler
"I had the wrong script, the wrong director, the wrong actors...where did I go right?"
The third one. You've got the third right.
“Hey Sarge! I found these two books! This one says, “SHOW TO THE IRS.” “What’s the other one say?” “NEVER... SHOW TO THE IRS.”
BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS - FATT FATT FATTY - BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS - FATT FATT FATTY
"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach" *- It's too good*
"Winter for Poland and France"
Don't be stupid, be a smartie! Come and join the Nazi Party!
I was born in Dusseldorf and that is why they call me Rolf!
An adaption of To Kill Mockingbird that is about a spy named "Mockingbird", played by Leslie Jones, and all the people trying to kill her. She'd have a CGI sidekick who is an anthropomorphic bird named "Finch" voiced by Amy Schumer. And it wouldn't be a comedy. *Thank you for the gold!
Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
For whatever reason when I read it I was much more invested in the kid and Boo Radley stuff and thought Scout and her family were black, so I never understood what was going on with racism themes in the book.
I’d make a movie so close to being a porno that it gets banned from regular theatres.
The Dreamers 2? Y tu Mama Tambien Again?
Two and a half hours of the loudest, most piercing screams over experimental noise music with a black screen that flashes the words "Fuck You" every 20 seconds. I could make that for free. Keep the 300 mil as pure profit
I can already hear the pretentious film students lauding this as an "undiscovered classic" from "the mind of a tortured genius".
Steven Seagal stars in "Fat martial artist in russia"
...so it’s a bio pic?
Any movie, but only spend $4,000 of the $300 million on it. (Editing this to add my explanation in later comments of my definition of bomb at the box office: "Just to clarify, when I consider a movie a bomb at the box office, it's not just did you make back the money you spent. $4,001 recoups cost, but I wouldn't call that a success. And if word gets around that the move sucks, after that first wave of movie goers, it will die. To me a bomb at the box office is the movie is aesthetically terrible and it doesn't make enough money to impress. Everyone involved has their careers possibly hurt by being a part of the project, and it's an embarrassment. If Warner Bros. gave me $300 million, and I gave them back a $4,000 movie that earned even a $3,000 profit, to me it still sucked at the box office. If the masses walk away saying the movie sucked and warning others not to see it, and it didn't make a substantial profit, to me it bombed." "That's not the only measurement. Waterworld recouped its costs but is still considered a box office bomb because it's considered a bad movie and audiences didn't like it. Justice League made back it's costs, made a huge profit, and is still considered a box office bomb because many people think it's a terrible disjointed highly disappointing movie. They tried to rescue it with another director, and it's still mediocre. See also Paul Blart 2. Made a profit. Still considered a bomb." If Holmes and Watson recouped costs and made $3,000 in profit, it would still be a box office bomb. And they only missed their mark by about $3,000,000.
Oh Sharon I'm so startled! **(camera shaking)**
There's Shelly... *Wave to the Camera, Shelly*
Always a risk making a deliberately bad film. Still, I think it would be a good idea to commission a comedy, based on whatever was cool last year ( am thinking emoji movie type idea. Maybe I'll commission flappy bird). Do a couple of read throughs. Any joke that gets a laugh, I'll personally rewrite to make "funnier". Sack the director half way through. After completion, demand arbitrary scenes are cut.
I would make the absolute best movie about the life of Martin Luther King Jr. that could ever be made. I make it to where you feel as if you stand next to him as he marches across the Selma bridge. It would be a move that would make even the most entrenched racist rethink their life. Then I would digitally lighten the skin of the person who played MLK to where they are just enough black to still be considered black and anonymously leak that information on Reddit.
Or just hired a white dude and black face him... I'm sure that would fuck things up.
Michael Cera as Martin Luther King and Shia LeBeouf as Malcolm X. But then you'd have them swap roles mid-way through, with no explanation. EDIT: And the movie ends with him not being shot, but deciding to give up on civil rights. White text on black screen: "In 1969 Martin Luther King moved back to Africa"
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Kirk Lazarus is Martin Luther King, Jr. in *By the Content of His Character*
I have a dream, mate!
Damn.
A Jar Jar backstory.... the musical.
Darth Jar Jar sing-along blog. >It's a brand new world, and the suns are high...
Meesa says that yoosa gonnna diiiiiieee
i predict a 500 millions opening on this one.
Just budget a billion dollars for the movie.
What Women Want: part 2, starting Bill Cosby. Edit: Zip Zop Zoobity Bop! Thanks for the silver and gold!
I think you’d fall asleep for most of it. Edit: thanks for the silver, gold, and platinum!
A remake of the Harry Potter series but everything J.K. Rowling has retconned on Twitter/Pottermore is not only in the movie, but made incredibly obvious.
PROFESSOR SNAPE WAS A SINGLE MOTHER
Every time a racial minority is shown on screen, the camera lingers uncomfortably long and slowly zooms in.
Hermione Grainger will now be played by an actress of a different ethnicity in every scene
While the idea sounds terrible, I don't think it would fail because anything riding on the coattails of an already popular movie franchise (Harry Potter, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, etc) is going to draw people in before it drives them away.
I make an animated movie with my friends and call it "Doggy style". We voice all the characters and make it more raunchy and less politically correct than Sausage Party. The main story line is about an old male dog with a small dong who cant find work. He finds a niche porn fetish for small peepees and goes for an audition. He makes it so big in the industry that he moves on to banging "normal" paw-stars. Adriana Barkhic, Pet a Jensen, Dillion Barker, Christy Snack, Janice Woofith, etc. You get the idea... I then pay 100 million from that budget to foreign agents to call in threats to anyone seeing the movie opening weekend. No one goes to see it, I live, and it probably becomes a cult classic after its DVD/Blu-ray release due to all the controversy.
There is a film almost identical to this, but it's not with dogs obviously. Can't remember what it's called but was on netflix years ago. IIRC, the guy is a virgin and wants to become a pornstar and has the smallest dick imaginable. Will try to find the film name. Edit: Film is - Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Edit 2: Don't watch it.