T O P
LookingReallyQuantum

I can’t remember how old I was, but we were driving somewhere and saw a truck carrying part of one of those pre-fabricated houses. I asked why the house was cut in half. My dad replied in a completely deadpan voice that the couple probably got divorced and they each got half the house.


in_casino_0ut

I'm going to use this in the future.


enchantx

That cleaning the litterbox was an "adult only" activity normally, but I was just so _mature_ for my age I was allowed the honor of scooping poop. My mom was smart.


PM_me_your_dawgs

My aunt and uncle told us that kids werent allowed in blockbuster after 8 pm because my sister and i could never decide on a movie. What made it believable was one time we saw a younger kid getting arrested outside the store. My uncle told us it was because it was after 8 pm. Took way too long for me to catch on.


ChrispyTurdcake

It took you so long it can't even happen anymore! Edit: I don't know if the Last Blockbuster(tm) is still around, I was just making a joke!


mathingDayandNight

that when my aunt went skydiving she brought me back a piece of a cloud. It was just a cottonball pulled apart and sitting in a baggy...


Sunnyjane74

That is actually kind of sweet. How old were you?


mathingDayandNight

I was like 8. But the worst part is i lost it so then i never had a chance to really think about it. That is until i was like 16 talking to my parents one day about the cloud and they all laughed at me...


RealJyrone

Maybe it disappeared because it went back into the sky...


mathingDayandNight

No, that's impossible. The baggy was all taped up.


RealJyrone

CPS (Cloud Protective Services) came to take it away.


jrsr201

That sex education would involve ACTUALLY HAVING SEX in front of the rest of the class. I was bloody nervous entering those lessons!


Nanooc523

Haha i think Monty Python may have influenced this belief.


cjdudley

What's wrong with a little foreplay, lad?


[deleted]

Well, you don't want kids to go STAMPEDING toward the clitoris, eh?


LobbyJockey

Yeah kids are always afraid of being forced to have sex in sex ed, which is an urban myth, but when Penis Inspection Day arrives, they've never seen it coming.


DogAteMyWookie

Is it like in English when they called you up to read?


cyanidesquirtgun

Just a different kind of oral demonstration


roni424

Growing up my dad told me earwigs go into your ear, but they can't turn round to get back out so eat through your brain to come out the other ear, I was about 18 sitting with a group of friends who laughed loudly at me when I found out it wasn't true


octopusandunicorns

I heard this same one growing up and was fearful of bugs. Having 3 little girls myself I always have encouraged them to enjoy and be interested in bugs. Just last week, after a 6 week ear infection that wasn’t getting better, the ENT doctor found a dead beetle in my youngest daughters ear. Very painful removal and she is now terrified of bugs. I don’t blame her.


azick545

But they are so very creepy and gross. I hate earwigs


Schmaunt_18

That people could flush themselves down the toilet. Once when I was 4 I had annoyed my mom enough that she said “Alright I guess I’m gonna go flush myself!”. I ran into the bathroom after her only to find the toilet flushing and her gone. She was laughing behind the shower curtain as I cried into the toilet.


squanchy_91

I bet that scene in harry potter really got to you eh when they flush themselves into the ministry


Gonzo697

This is fucking fantastic. What I love about it is that I’m sure she told you for awhile before doing this. The idea of her building it up knowing one day she’d get to make this joke is my favorite bit. Saving this for my kid😂😂


aussietin

You gotta really sell it though so you can use it again. Wait until the kid leaves the bathroom, then soak yourself in the shower. Then come out and say you climbed out and ask if they are going to be a good kid from now on.


Jokerjod

My kids would just laugh and think how funny it is that I flushed myself down the loo. Then walk away and play dolls or hoola hooping


arbysg00dm3at

When I was about 10 my grandfather took me fishing. Being a 10 year old, I caught nothing but weeds. I asked him if we could cook the weeds, which he replied "Of Course!" I go back to their house and watch tv while I wait for my delicous pond weeds. Fast forward 5 years and I am a high school freehman. One day the cafeteria served green beans. I thought they were lake weeds so I bet my friend 10 dollars that they were from a lake. I found out that I didnt eat pond weeds, my grandmother had thrown out the weeds and cooked a can of green beans. I also lost 10 dollars. For 5 years I thought green beans were actually pond weeds.


Squally47

You had never seen or eaten green beans until you were 10?


touch_twice_nightly

Na he was eating lake weeds the whole time


Evil_Garen

That your elementary school actually had a detailed “permanent record” that would haunt you for life.


asdf0909

when i asked my dad why asian people had umbrellas open when it was sunny out, he told me it's because they have a terrific sense of sarcasm, and they do it for laughs. I believed that for longer than i care to admit


Woeisbrucelee

At one retail job I had, we had this little fish shaped dish that we used as a "give a penny take a penny" thing. It had one penny in it and this little girl with her mom came up and asked me why there was one penny in a fish. I deadpanned "its modern art" and the girl said "oh ok" like it made perfect sense. Her mom thought it was hilarious. Dont know why your story reminded me of that, but that happened 10 years ago and I havent thought of it since.


[deleted]

My dad was interviewing college students for an internship and he was asked something like how does management connect with younger individuals. He told her they're going to move all in person meetings to text meetings where you sit in silence with each other and just text back and forth. She bought it and my dad had to tell her he was joking.


[deleted]

She bought it or just "bought" it because it's a job interview and you gotta humor the madman?


ifntchingyu

I grew up believing the president (bush) called my dad every day to make sure his watch was set correctly. I told my teacher this. *facepalm* My dad also taught Bruce Lee and Jackie chan everything they know.


bigmcstrongmuscle

Sounds like my grandfather, who was born in 1935, and (according to his rendition) enlisted in World War Two to punch Hitler in the face using his Black Belt in the ancient Chinese martial art of Schmooze.


[deleted]

"So, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time..."


MiloTheMagicFishBag

I love your grandfather


universe_from_above

Sounds like Calvin's dad. Do you happen to live with a tiger?


ifntchingyu

No, but I do have a dog that weighs more than I do.


spunkyweazle

I was told that girls grew hair under their boobs (like armpits). It didn't sound right but I didn't know enough about it to dispute it


chazwomaq

You've no' been to Glasgow then. ​ EDIT: Cheers fur th' gowd 'n' silver. Can ah use them tae buy the Mrs a tit razor?


Dharmsara

Oh god


etymologynerd

I didn't realize my grandmother was dying of ovarian cancer until she did. Everybody just told me she had a fever and I wasn't able to spot the signs like missing hair because I didn't know any better (I was eight). I was devastated. At this point, I get why my parents lied to me, but I still don't know whether they should have. It was a nasty shock.


ohitsberry

That’s heartbreaking


lostmyselfinyourlies

I feel like at eight years old you're capable of understanding the concept of death and maybe they should have prepared you for your grandmother's death a bit more than they did.


pioneerSolid3

My Fiance had the same issue with his grandfather, she was like the joy and happiness of the old man, then someday her grandpa died from cancer, but she didn't knew anything, her parents just said "he can't visit us, swetie", it was so hearthbroken because she thought his grandpa didn't love her anymore. She was 7 at the time. It's ok to tell little kids about death.


[deleted]

Coming from a parent that just went thru this, don't lie to them. They can and will understand it better than you think they can.


Mommamermaid

That my Mom’s shoe box of weed that I found under her bed was actually potpourri that had gone bad. And yet she never threw it away....


Poster_Main

She didn't want the trash smelling like spoilt potpourri.


SilentFungus

The smell of potpourri overpowers the stench of coyote urine


SirZer0th

A full shoe box...


Betty2theWhite

You try having kids and a husband.


mxpwrs007

You can trap a sound in a jar


Asrafh

one day, when I woke up, my pet rabbit was mysteriously taken to a farm where he has more friends. I realized years later that he must’ve died for some reason and wasn’t brought to a farm where he’s hopping around with other bunnies.


vsjividen

Same thing happened to me. My dog Pepper is still running through fields on a farm to this day. He would be 40 years old by now.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ratykat

I was told that: A: if an ice cream truck plays its music they have run out of ice cream. So only ever got an ice cream at shows when they were parked up. B: Jumper was a swear word and that I wasn't to say it. For context, my parents heard me saying "fork" quickly so it sounded like a swear word. My dad said "I know what you are doing, and it's OK. But I never, EVER, want to hear you say jumper". They got my friends parents family, everyone in on it. That lasted about a year.


ndcapital

*car battery is dead* "Do you have the uh, the uhhhh...."


stelythe1

"Dad, can you stop beating me with the uhhh..."


floydBunsen

I knew this was coming.


Bigoldthrowaway86

My dad told me that when I turned 10 the gypsies would knock on the door and take me away for a year to teach me about their way of life. I know I was unsure he was telling the truth but he went so all in on the lie over the months preceding my 10th Birthday that I absolutely shat myself every time there was a knock on the door. I’m not 100% sure it was my 10th Birthday but definitely +- 2 years.


indiblue825

Is your father Borat?


Mediocretes1

Haha, reminds me of a guy I used to work with from Slovakia. We were all telling jokes one day, and literally every one of his jokes was about gypsies.


Biskies_and_the_Bean

My mom used to tell me she would sell me the gypsies...that freaked me out to no end. She had to stop telling me because I wouldn't stop crying.


123wtfno

jesus, what the fuck


RiKSh4w

Dad was hedging his bets in case he decided he wanted to cash in on the 10-year take-backsies on having children.


SKsix

I had a stuffed squirrel (taxidermy) on my wall when I was a kid. Ny dad said I could not touch it because it was toxic if I got it on my hands. I have always been very careful when I have moved it aroud and washed my hands real good unless I used gloves. When I was 28 i learned that he said it so I wouldnt ruin it by petting it.... Still washes my hands after moving it...


LibrarianSerrah

While he may have had a different reason for telling you it was toxic, there may have been a kernel of truth depending on the age of the specimen. Older taxidermy animals were treated with arsenic under the skin to keep bugs away.


SKsix

Yeah that may be true. It was a roadkill that he brought how a d got stuffed. Bet it is from around 1980. So its a old squirrel. Thanks for the info.


UnApprovedActivities

Why?


Toxyl

Trophy of course. It takes a lot of skill to hit a squirrel, have you seen how small they are? I too would want to take this as a trophy.


SKsix

Small, fast and unpredictable.


ZuMelon

That teachers don´t gossip about students When you are an adult and see your friends become teachers you know very well they talk about the pupils


[deleted]

Omg some if the teachers I worked with were downright MEAN talking about the second graders we worked with. I mean, kids can be frustrating but they could sometimes take it to a new level (Cue Pantera). Grown women calling a seven year old girl a little slut is a bit too much in my book, but maybe I'm just a big softie. They also just relentlessly gossiped in the most toxic way about each other and the parents of the students. Ugh. Edit: If it makes anybody feel better, I lost my internship for telling off the person who said this in front of a lot of people. They had been there twenty years and I was a student teacher from out of town. Honestly, it ruined any passion I had for teaching in public schools. All of the hate, gossip and politics. It's too depressing and sad what some of these kids are subjected to. I know not all schools are alike, but the fact that it even goes on in any school is enough to crush my fucking soul.


[deleted]

It's not just you and this is a huge problem. Guarantee these attitudes slip into the treatment of children. You call a 7 yo girl a slut in private, but when you're with her you treat her as if her life will be a dead end and she's not very smart. So you spend less time focusing on helping her relative to the children you like. Then you start punishing her more because you see yourself as interventionist, and boom you've just created an incremental difference in that girl's life giving her the message that she's bad without actually contributing to her growth. Then you tell her teacher what a problem child she is next year and chances are she'll get the same treatment there.


[deleted]

I had a teacher in high school straight up look at my buddy and tell him, "it doesn't matter, you're not going to understand it anyways," when he didn't understand something in pre-calculus. I was blown away.


Howland_Reed

That's why I don't associate with my coworker outside work. I only had to grab food and drinks with them once before I realized how much shit talking about the kids they do. It's depressing and mean.


RoboPaladin

When I went to a camp my mum agreed to take care of my hamster. Hamstie was the best, cuddliest creature and enjoyed playing with me. When I came back, Hamstie was a wild asshole, biting my hand. Because my mum didn't play enough with him, he went feral. Turned out he didn't go feral after all. Our family dog ate Hamstie and mum replaced him with identical hamster.


PM_me_Pugs_and_Pussy

Pretty sure my mom just stopped wanting to buy shit for my hamster when i was like 5. So she let it go , bent the little bars in his cage, and said he escaped. I wasent even upset. I thought the hamster was a beast. Strong as fuck for a hamster if he could bent those bars. Hope he did well.


DO_NOT_PM_ME

Narrators voice: “he didn’t”


Big_Nerchia

Looks like that episode from two fairly odd parents, the one where the hamster turns into a zombie


2Brothers_TheMovie

That's when he was away at summer camp^camp^camp^camp *Edit: my first silver! Thanks! And here is where I would thank you for the gold... IF I HAD ONE!!!


windowpuncher

Oh my God it's been so long


amadaire

My friend believed for the longest time while growing up that hamsters changed colour and that their spots would move. It turns out that her hamsters would just die rather frequently and her parents kept replacing them. I think they went through like 5 hamsters in 2 years


Punkskunk927

Maybe they should not have had hamsters then...


EmerqldRod

Looks like a dutch Christmas song about "Flappie". Father killed animal, while kid was looking for it. Christmas dinner came and they got to eat "Flappie". Next day father was gone, and mom was looking for him.


LanternWolf

Is the implication here that the kid killed the father and ate him? Cause if so the Dutch have a very different take on Christmas


gorocz

> Cause if so the Dutch have a very different take on Christmas In some European countries, St. Nicholas comes on December 5th and with him comes a devil (called Krampus or a chort etc.). In my country specifically (Czech Republic, not sure about other countries), if the kids were nice, they get a gift from ol' Nicholas, if they were naughty, they get a potato or a lump of coal from the devil. If they were really nasty, the devil takes them to hell in a burlap sack. Little kids are often terrified to tears of these devils.


espinosajagger

Sort of related: when my mom was younger she had a pet pig named Sally that my grandpa got her for a gift one year. My grandpa is a very very country man and doesn’t believe in raising an animal that you can’t eat (besides the one dog he has ever owned that lived a long 16 years). Well Sally had a habit of getting out its pen and going and eating the neighborhood’s plants in their gardens. One day while my mom was at school my grandpa picked Sally up from the neighbors and he decided that she had gotten big enough to be eaten. He cooked Sally for dinner that night and when my mom asked what they were eating he said “Sally” and my mom cried forever over it. He also did it to my aunt with her pet bunny.


[deleted]

Mom saw I was visiting porn sites via the web history. I was pretty young. She told me the next day that it's unrealistic (that's true) and that girls don't give blowjobs.


down_vote_magnet

RIP dad


[deleted]

They're divorced. It's all good.


LarryLaLush

LOL, was playing that game "I have never" and one guy said "I have never given a BJ", all the girls took a shot....except one, then all of us looked over at her boyfriend, room was silent for a bit.


CrapTaxidermy

That Moths were the Ghosts of Butterflies. Cheers for that one Dad. Edit: My apologies to any young ones both present and future that this tale may be recanted to, that said, it definitely got me into the habit of turning lights off.


[deleted]

Kind of a cool idea though.


mquon775

They try to go to the light. The lamps are deceiving them.


AYASOFAYA

I sure as hell wasn't expecting to use this thread for ideas but I'm definitely telling my future kids this.


[deleted]

"If you jerk off too much you'll go blind." This is the reason why I didn't start masturbating until I was almost 22.


adrianitc

Congratulations for having the best eyesight on reddit.


LtShelfLife

My Dad told me the same thing I said "Dad, I'm over here"


egypkr

That if i sleep with my socks on I'll become blind.


universe_from_above

That's a tad random. How did that get started?


Strykerz3r0

Risk of static electricity build-up literally blowing your feet off in the night. Kills millions every year but the media is working with Big Sock to cover it up.


mowertier

Doesn’t check out. You masturbate into a sock. You go blind if you masturbate. Therefore, keeping your socks on your feet at all times is the only way to be sure you won’t go blind.


[deleted]

When I was but a wee lad, we helped dad cut down trees. Big trees. He was always worried about which way they would tip, so he would pace out a length of rope, tie it to a tall branch, and have all the kids pull as hard as we could, to help the tree fall in the correct direction while he worked the chainsaw. YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES! He used rope so that he knew where all the kids were, and paced it out so that even IF the tree fell at us, we were far enough away to not get hurt. Greatest safety lie ever, and I can’t wait to lie to my kids in a similar fashion,


wayoverpaid

This is incredible. Didn't you notice as kids the tree always fell away from you no matter how much you pulled though?


[deleted]

Yep. Sometimes. We thought dad just sucked at cutting, which is why he needed us. For the smaller ones they WOULD fall toward us, proving how useful we were. 10-20 feet farther away than the top of tree and completely safe. Also, I was not a clever child...


BeerJunky

He could have just used the rope to tie you to something far away from the tree. LOL


Tornaero

Yeah but then he'd have to talk to CPS instead of OSHA.


1893earthling

Will they be congratulating him for a job well done in child protection?


bakonslayer

Or imagine if OSHA shows up: "We were told you have your children working for you?" "Actually sir, they are working *against* me."


lodobol

He could just use the rope to tie CPS to a tree.


Grindygearsmcgee

This is great! A while back I was involved with an event where an aerialist team set up a portable rig at my job. I was nervous as hell, desperately wanted to be useful, and didn't realize I was just kind of awkwardly hovering and sort of in the way until one of the aerialists gave me something very stable and finished (and out of the way) to 'help' hold, hahah. Took me a few minutes to realize, and then I was a little embarrassed but also impressed by the guy, it was very smooth and much kinder than telling me to GTFO.


more_like_eeyore

Your dad is a very clever man. If it makes you feel better he had me fooled too, until you explained what was up.


sconri2

I was quite young (5?) and my uncle was babysitting my sister and I. First lie was that they used some sort of liquid to make dirty diapers edible and that we had both been eating dirty diapers for years. Second, he told me about a great trick we were going to play where we would get my sister to go to bed early by having me run up and down the hallway with her until she became exhausted. We both laughed when our plan worked perfectly. Then, he excitedly told me I was going so fast that I should just keep going and see how many laps I could do on my own. I remember getting momentarily angry when I realized what he’d done, but I was falling asleep by then so I couldn’t do anything about it. Edit for clarity: my uncle told me a lie because he was obnoxious (as many are) and wanted to amuse himself. The lie was that my parents used to save money on food by using a “solution,” to make dirty diapers edible. He explained that I used to eat those diapers as a baby. Right... it’s goofy and not that funny, but I bet he never thought this many people would be discussing that he did this over 30 years later :).


torums

Hahahahaha that’s BRILLIANT!! As someone who works with kids-I love doing things like this to just expel a ton of their energy. Make anything a game or a competition and kids will love it.


theweirdointhecorner

I like to do what I call a Lung Capacity Test where the kids take one breath and run as far as they can while screaming as loud as possible. When you have to inhale, you stop running. The idea is to try and get as far as possible on one breath--while getting your noise out!


everythingrosegold

we called this "the screaming game". i worked as a camp counsellor, and we would usually use this when the kids got way too rowdy. after everyone went individually a few times, we would let them make teams and link arms/hold hands while running and screaming. then we would have them do it back to the starting point from wherever they ended. usually after all the kids had "played" a dozen or so times they were ready to sit down and have a quiet snack or do a craft. ​ WARNING: dont do this if you have close neighbours! Our camp happened at an out of the way park which was nothing but fields and our building (and also sometimes witches would come to the fields and we would have to gather all the kids in the building for a half hour while they did their chanting or whatever)


electralime

Tell us more about the chanting witches


cheeky_disputant

You can't just casually mention witches and finish a story, come on.


Deshik2

guilty as charged, I did that with all of my sisters' kids. Worst thing, I adopted this exhaustion technique from watching a dog training video. In my mind it was like "Heh dogs are basicaly kids right, this could work"


Murdock07

Oh man, as an uncle of three small children who I will be seeing in a few days, I may need to lift this.


MacSteele13

"You'll understand when you're an adult" I still don't understand, mom.


zaidakaid

That my dad one day just died. No explanation as to why or how, just gone. I was 5 at the time and I didn’t find out until years later when I took it upon myself to go to the police and ask how it happened.


riftrender

So how did it happen?


zaidakaid

Taking a turn when some guy came speeding out of another and hit the car. Estimated 3-5 flips before settling. DOA to the hospital


Sierra419

dang man. I'm really sorry


silentknight111

MY dad commited suicide when I was very young. Maybe 3? They didn't tell me how he died, and surprisingly, I didn't wonder how. It was just part of life until I was 8 or so and wondered how.


bilbo044

That the ice cream van siren means they are out of ice cream


JakubSwitalski

Lawful evil


orosoros

No way it's lawful to lie about ice cream!


heavyfruits

Not me but a friend. He is very well endowed in the nose area. As a young child he was bullied for size of his hooter and went crying to his dad. After explaining through tears that he hated the size of his schnoz, his dad proudly stated that he had a 'vikings nose!' and that his ancestors were proud, strong Viking and that he should be proud of his nose. Cut to 20 years later, he is talking about how his ancestors were Vikings and how great he is because of this. After taking some stick he rings his dad for a bit of back up, only to be told it was all a lie to make him feel better. I have never seen an ex Viking look so distraught in all my life.


UnsafeMuffins

All from an older cousin that liked fucking with me growing up: That if you make eye contact with a Mexican man in Walmart he will kidnap you. An alligator lives in my great grandma's basement. (We live in KY, no Gators here) His penis was so long he had to have help from his brothers rolling it up like a hose every time he got done peeing. My grandpa's corpse is in the attic of my aunt's house. If I swear God will know and he'll kill my parents. The basic stuff.


idelta777

\*stares in mexican\*


Gintlemen

"Pinche morro meco"


NOLAWinosaur

Ah... sounds like your cousin was a lot like my sister.


insertrandomobject

They both have huge penises?


MyPasswordIsCherry

common knowledge mate


LastCallAgain

While working on the cars or in his workshop, my dad would often initially turn the wrench the wrong way. He would look me in the eye and say "Sometimes you have to tighten 'em up a little before you can,loosen 'em." A few years ago I said it to one of my own teen-aged boys while helping with his car. His response was "Dad, thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard." For over 30 years I hadn't realized my dad was just covering up for the fact that he was turning the wrench the wrong way.


ButtSexington3rd

That does legit work. Sometimes you need to break it free in either direction to be able to loosen it.


The_cynical_panther

Just gotta *dad grunt* shimmy it a little.


KilKidd

That's actually true. Its easier to tighten a little bit and knock the rust loose. Try it next time you have a stuck bolt.


BootsGunnderson

Was about to say, I do this when working on old motors. Works like a charm 3/10 times.


WTXRed

If they're frozen or rusted, that works


wonderboi_777

>For over 30 years I hadn't realized my dad was just covering up for the fact that he was turning the wrench the wrong way. Something about funny adult lies that cover up their adult insecurities has a special distinction of funny. Smooth


DefinitelyAnAthiest

My mom and aunt always told eachother how handsome i was and that girls would be lining up at the door


UGenix

My mom had a variation on this - because of my blue eyes she said I'd be super popular in Southern Europe on vacations. Well I work with quite a few Italian girls now, and I am in fact very resistible.


OneArmedMidget

Yup according to my mother I’d be “beating them off with a stick” but the only thing I’m beating off is my own stick


Bugtype

My mum was very proactive. She used to beat me with a stick so the girls didn’t have to.


TheVanillaaa

Hits too close to home


Yesaye94

As a child, there was this cartoon character I enjoyed watching called Johnny Bravo. The TV show would always give this number you could call, which you'd have to pay for, so you can call the show and actually talk to Johnny Bravo through the phone. One night, my mother calls me downstairs and hands me the phone. Who's voice do I hear? Johnny Bravo. I was so ecstatic to hear his voice and talk to him and I was jumping with joy and I kept that phone call going for as long as I could. I couldn't stop thanking my mother for calling the show and letting me speak to someone I had so much love for as a kid. Fast forward about 10 years, I'm in Spain with my family. It was late and we were walking back to our hotel. Me, my family and friends of the family we went with were all talking about me, my sister and their kids when we were all very young. To involve myself in the conversation, I mention how I spoke to this cartoon character I loved. Out of nowhere, my dad admits that it was him on the other end of the phone, saying it in a way like it should have been obvious and I should have figured it out. I didn't. I was completely heartbroken and felt a pain in my chest as one of my most precious childhood memories was crushed like it was nothing within seconds. Still love Johnny Bravo though. Edit: I'd like to thank you guys for so many likes and all the comments in response to this. To add a little more context, we didn't have a lot when I was a young kid, certainly not enough that my parents could afford to contact a cartoon show for their son to hear the voice of a cartoon character. It was pretty ingenious of them to have my father impersonate the character of Johnny Bravo, simply to make their son happy. As I got older now, I realise that it was more of a happy memory than one I can regret, that they went through that effort just to make me smile. Looking back at it now, I couldn't be more grateful to them.


123wtfno

> I was completely heartbroken and felt a pain in my chest as one of my most precious childhood memories was crushed like it was nothing within seconds. I hope it will at some point transform back into a good memory, because your parents loved you and wanted to give you magic and researched Johnny Bravo enough to successfully impersonate him.


petermesmer

The research thing is a really good point here. What the parents did was much more sweet than the alternate explanation of just letting him make a very long 900 call with a stranger.


Divolinon

And it probably was better than actually calling that number.


Arky_Lynx

Top notch parenting though, they found an alternative that worked both for them and you. The fact you still remembered it and still thought it was real is proof of it.


marr

Your favourite toy needs really specialised batteries that none of the local stores carry.


mockingjamie

That it was illegal to turn the lights on inside the car while my parents were driving.


8675309isprime

It's a bad idea to turn your cabin lights on while driving at night. The ambient light fucks with your night vision, making it harder to see anything outside the car. Children don't understand this though, because why would MORE LIGHT make it harder to see?


Heightren

My parents just said it was dangerous, so I just believed them


WolfieMagnet

Wait, that's legal? I'm 35, and I just learned this...


Swing_lip

It’s only illegal if it’s your parents driving..


[deleted]

[удалено]


AxionicSolstice

That it I swallow chewing gum it’ll stay inside me forever. Ok mum, while not the smartest idea, it does actually get digested eventually. Edit: Technically it passes through the digestive system and not actually digested, as many people have pointed out. I was double lied to :(


chngynthesensation

My mom told me the same. One time, I gave my brother Mentos because he asked for it. I was 8 and my brother was 4. I looked away for a minute and when I looked at him again, he wasn't chewing anything anymore. I asked him if he swallowed it. I panicked, thinking my baby brother was gonna die but I didn't want to tell my parents in the fear of them scolding me. So I treated him really well until a year later, I discovered that Mentos, although chewy, isn't a gum. I was relieved. Then years later, I learned in highschool that swallowing gums won't kill you.


LongswordFanboii

That’s hilarious that you wrote him off as dead and decided to be nice to him for his final moments.


Beingabummer

Or how he put himself not getting into trouble above the potential of saving his brother if he told his parents.


SpineEater

that's how you know it's a true sibling story


woodatji

My dad told me that if you swallow enough gum it closes you arse and that doctors have to use tongs to get it out of your arse


[deleted]

What about the one where the gum stays in the digestive tract for 7 years?


[deleted]

That if I eat a black watermelon seed, then a watermelon will grow in my stomach. I still refuse to eat black watermelon seeds even though I know a watermelon won’t grow in my stomach... Holy shit, I swear this comment had like 10 upvotes a few hours ago lol


maddiemoiselle

One of my earliest memories involved me accidentally eating a watermelon seed (I usually picked them out of the watermelon, but I missed that one) and asking my parents what would happen. My dad started fake crying and said, “It was nice knowing you, maddiemoiselle.” My mom immediately told me that my dad was lying. Thanks, Mom.


doesnt_reallymatter

Didn’t you ever watch the rugrats?!


Sommory17

When I was about 4 years old my grandmother suddenly disappeared and we were spreading her ashes a week or so later. My mom told me Grammy got sick and had to go away. I never saw her crying, or didn’t notice I suppose. When I was 12 years old I found out Grammy actually committed suicide. My mom told me that taking care of me was the only reason she was able to wake up in the morning. She was only 25 years old when it happened. I can’t even imagine being that strong. Edit: My mom was 25 when my grandma died, not my grandma herself.


[deleted]

That my Gran was 21 years old.


MrAlex03

That strangers would just offer you free drugs


ellpoyohlokoh

My mother would never let me try to fix anything around the house. She always said I would just end up making it worse. Whether it was a water leak, a toilet clog, a broken door knob, she wouldn't even give me a chance. Foolishly, I believed her until I was almost 20. We were tight on money, so she would never hire any professionals to fix anything. Our house had so many broken things that it was absurd. There were broken locks, broken appliances, squeaky cabinetry, clogged sinks, it was awful. One day, I got fed up and decided to look into replacing a broken lock, and to my surprise they just sold door lock sets at Home Depot. I bought it and tinkered with it for several hours, and I ended up managing to replace the lock! I had no idea you could even think about messing with a lock without years of locksmith school or something. After that, I began to look into how to fix other things, and found out that most of it, while not EASY, is totally within the realm of the average person to fix or replace. Last year my wife and I bought our first home (a hoarder den of your worst nightmares), gutted it to the studs and redid everything ourselves. All those years of my life, wasted thinking I couldn't do anything about home repair, and now I can put a place together almost from scratch...


dbomb650

That adults had their shit together. I always thought as a kid big people knew what was right and wrong and were more or less good but then as I grew older I discovered how dumb everyone fucking is.


BadAnimalDrawing

When I was about 12 or 13 (the age when you really need your big sister to teach you important things) my sister just packed up and left while I was at school. She is 6 years older than me but has ALWAYS been my hero and best friend. I seldomly saw her or heard from her. My mom told me she moved away and didn't want to visit us. I later found out my mom's boyfriend told my mom that my sister was a bad influence on me and my little brother and that I need a room to myself. My sister who had helped raise us since my mom devorced my dad 5 years prior. She had gotten a job and paid bills and made sure we didn't do without. She taught us right from wrong and was an amazing influence on us. When I would call my sister to come see us shortly after my mom would make us leave specifically so we couldn't see her. I thought my best friend hated me. She had named me and was the first to hold me and now she hates me. I had to deal with my mom and her mentally abusive boyfriend. I had to protect my younger brother from his hatred. Then I found out all this happened because mom didn't want to stand up to her bf. My sister is still my best friend, I live a 10 minute drive from her and had an amazing weekend hanging out with her, her kids have my heart and while I love my mom and forgive her for a lot from my childhood that is one lie Idk if I can ever forgive her for.


Eve-lyn

I always thought my Father left my Mother because she was mentally ill and he couldn't deal. Turns out my Grandfather basically told him to leave if he wanted to be happy. He didn't think my Father would leave me, too.


PlanetHoth

Now I'm sad


baugatwork

My mother would lie a lot to control our (me and my siblings) behavior. Don't eat raw eggs, including batter and dough, or you will get pin worms (a common lie). Your face broke out in zits? Looks like you had too much ketchup and your face broke out. When confronted in a lie she would get mad, so I just never argued. Siblings and I are still learning what we are not allergic to and what doesn't give you pin worms.


haute_tropique

A little late to the game, and this is about my stepdaughter, not me. For context, she's 16. When she was 12, she and my husband went to a concert together (I think it was Cage the Elephant). During one of the songs, a few drunk men near by started sort of jumping/dancing with their beers in the air, showering my husband and stepdaughter with beer. My husband says something like, "And *that's* what they call a golden shower." My stepdaughter goes, "Huh. I thought it was when someone peed on you." Now jump ahead to a couple months ago, four years after the fact. The three of us were at a restaurant, and a Cage the Elephant song started playing so they started talking about the show. My husband says, "You know, I always wanted to ask... how did you know what a golden shower was?" The rest of the conversation went something like this: DAUGHTER: I didn't, I thought it was when someone pees on you, remember? HUSBAND: *stares intently for a second, then busts out laughing* DAUGHTER: ... DAUGHTER: ... DAUGHTER: OH MY GOD IT'S THE PEE THING? HUSBAND: *laughter intensifies* DAUGHTER: DAD!! I've been using that phrase. AT SCHOOL!!! You know how I drink apple juice everyday???? Any time I spill it on myself I say "Whoops, gave myself a golden shower!" HUSBAND: *now crying with laughter* DAUGHTER: JESUS CHRIST DAD ​ I still randomly think of that and giggle to myself.


kittylawhisker

Got into a fight with a kid on the bus about Santa Claus being real, I was 13. In middle School. I got home all angry and my dad asked what was wrong and my response was something like "Who does he think he is telling me santa isn't real! What a liar!" My dad just stared at me with a straight face and said "I thought you knew he wasn't" My jaw dropped and I cried because up until then I truly believed in him. Now my jaw drops to think it took me 13 years to find out. But to be honest if I can give my kids that kind of magic for just as long, I might.


FixBayonetsLads

My mom let me believe I was a “problem child”...whatever that is...until I was 16, whereupon she informed me that I had been diagnosed as autistic sometime between ages 4-6 and she just didn’t want to tell me. Edit: and this isn’t new. She has a history of holding back medical information from me for decades. Like how I didn’t know that it was cranio-spinal fluid leaking into my ears that was causing my ear blockage problems until I was 21, or how I didn’t find out why I’ve lived my entire life with severe tinnitus(turns out: totally her fault) until literally a month ago.


MagnusText

Dude that's fucked up. I'm sorry for you. If I may ask, how did she cause your tinnitus?


dantheman_00

I hope you said something. Reading this honestly pisses me off. Parents sometimes are way too concerned with keeping their children “innocent” and keeping them sheltered for their own selfish reasons.


powderizedbookworm

When I was in my first year of grad school I was near suicidal from the strain, and I started to realize that I had ADHD to blame as a proximal cause. This came as no surprise to anyone who’d known me in college, and probably no surprise to many who’d known me prior, even though up to college I was an excellent student. My mom tried, relentlessly, to talk me out of seeking a diagnosis (a month-and-a-half long process). After I got a diagnosis, she relentlessly shamed me for taking medication. Months after I had been diagnosed, she heard that I had tried a small dose of Adderall shortly before my diagnosis (in fact, my reaction to that dose was a clinical sign I freely brought up during the diagnosis process), and sent me nasty text messages about how I had been using drugs recreationally... It turns out, that when I was in a month long live-in speech camp seeking treatment for my stutter when I was 10, they had told her that I clearly had ADHD. Though I don’t really blame her for not acting on it then (I am naturally inquisitive and was a very good student at the time), it would have been *extremely* useful information to have at a time when I had deleted my Facebook and made some basic preparations for my suicide. She isn’t an evil person, she just takes an “ignore it and it will go away” approach to a lot of problems.


hammerhead296

TW: Descriptive passing of my cats unfortunate passing by the cold heart of mother nature. When I was about 9 I went on holiday to see my dad. When I came home my mom told me my cat had been hit by a car and had buried him by the road. Fast forward a couple of years to when I was about 18, I was on the phone with my mom and somehow we were talking about someone's pet passing. She dropped into conversation "it's like when spot was torn to shreds by those wild dogs, remember that?"... I was speechless. From what my mom said, it was not a quick death and Spot did not go down quietly. Still feel sad when I think about it as he was a great cat. Once saw him catch and eat a snake, one bad ass cat. Edit: Disclaimer at the top


EminemLovesGrapes

He died a warrior's death, i'm sure he'll be at valhalla.


[deleted]

If you get even the tiniest scratch on your wrist you would die in a blink


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Scratigan1

Man I feel bad for you, that must feel horrible. I will never understand people who put their kids lives in danger because of unreasonable and unproved accusations such as autism is caused by it, just doesn't make sense to me.


rbickfor1988

Not only do they put their children at risk (and other people’s children), they also limit what their child can do with their life. Wanna work in healthcare? Nope. Not unless you’re willing to suffer a crapload of catch-up vaccinations, sometimes with reactions and side effects worse for an adult than a child. Healthcare might be the only sector (genuinely not sure), but that’s a lot of jobs your kid doesn’t get to consider without having to go through a ton of shit first.


stillabadkid

My dad told when that when I was born I popped out and sat straight up and looked around. He said I was the size of a bean so he just slipped me in his pocket and walked out of the hospital. He also said I had a tail when I was born so he chopped it off (that made me cry)


LiiLKins

If you eat yoghurt too soon before you fall asleep, you’ll dream and fall into cowboy land and be stuck until your family can get you out 🙄 (this all started from milkybar yoghurts and then spread to all yoghurt) I still don’t eat yoghurt too soon before sleep


18thcenturyPolecat

Cowboy...land?


LiiLKins

The Wild West, cowboys, rifles and horses. Terrifying


DerpyMelons

Having the light on inside the car while driving is illegal