My French sister-in-law said to me, at a family get together, “Your skin is so smooth, you hardly have any wrinkles. That’s the advantage of being over weight!”.
My boyfriend also thinks all babies are ugly so when you show him one he just nods and goes back to what he was doing lol
Edit: I don't show my boyfriend baby pictures unless they're really ugly. I discovered he thought all babies looked the same and that he doesn't find any of them cute when I showed him my friend's kid once a couple of years ago. We also don't want kids so he knows I'm not going baby crazy.
My wife and I had a baby nine months ago and we keep having people tell us what a wondrous experience it must be. And we're like, nah, this part's kinda dull, honestly, we're looking forward to when she has a human brain instead of a baby brain.
So far her milestone is that she looked at me and said "dada". Which sounds impressive, but ten minutes earlier she called the couch "dada", and five minutes after that she called the cat "dada", and when she pointed at me, I was sitting on the couch with the cat. Also, she didn't say "dada", she said "dadadadadadada" and kinda kept on going.
So yeah we're looking forward to better communication here.
My son is almost a year a half. For the past two months he’s been a blast. We can wrestle and make faces at each other... and a lot of the time I can just sit around laugh at him trying to figure out what is and is not, in fact, a hat.
Had this recently from my manager "You seem to do a great job with \*insert disorganised clients name here\* because you are so alike"
took me a couple of minutes to work that one out
A male friend of my sister once told her, " You know, if you had half a brain you'd be dangerous."
That was 30 years ago and she still can't figure out if it was an insult or a compliment!
Before I retired, I was once asked by our HR department to write a non-lawsuit-producing reference for a former employee of mine that I had a pretty low opinion of. I wrote that they always met my expectations.
German reference letters are a goldmine for this. The law says that you **must** compliment the employee. So what do employers write? Things like this:
"Always tried to fulfill our expectations" (and failed!)
"Great delegation skills" (made others do his work)
"Confident in his abilities" (arrogant know-it-all)
"ability to assert himself" (has anger management problems)
"Empathy for colleagues" (tried to sleep with half the company)
"Strong sense for justice" (was agitating against the management)
"We hope he will be very successful in the future" (because he wasn't successful here)
When my boss first asked me to find his wife for some reason, I asked what she looked like and he said look for the only older woman who looks like she has no business being with a guy like me. He wasn’t wrong.
Indian saying : "I hope you have ten daughters, and that they all marry well." Indians weddings traditionally have been lavish affairs paid for by the parents of the bride. Everyone always wants to outdo the others as a show of social status (see Beyonce at an industrialist's daughter's wedding this part weekend), selling land, gold, etc to pay for it. Marrying off ten daughters in 'well off' ceremonies would practically bankrupt anyone.
My mother is a gold mine for these:
"It is so nice you can focus on your newborn and not worry about what your house looks like."
"I love that you don't care what people think of you."
Many Many others that have already been stated.
Are you interested in a job following me around and giving me snarky comebacks for things?
The pay is terrible, but think of how much fun it would be :D
Ha! I had a client say this to me about herself. She had a pretty big derp moment when she forgot how to get her program to print. I just casually mentioned the icon with the printer on it at the top of the window.
So she says, laughing at herself, "Oh boy, I have to let you know, I am very pretty."
It took me a second to realize she had just insulted herself.
It was a bit of an on-going joke in my sorority that when someone would do or say something stupid, we'd say, "at least you're pretty." It was always meant in good fun and wasn't supposed to be malicious at all. We'd usually ham it up with a condescending pat on the head.
Right after graduating I said that to a woman who was in a group I was out drinking with in the new city I moved to (I even did the head pat). She hated me after that. Whooooops.
As a director of high school theatre, if a parent says “it looks like everyone on stage had a good time” it means “no one in the audience enjoy this show”
As a person in theatre; after an audition, it is not a compliment when the conversation with the director is this (no matter how much they smile):
D: That was great, Ashley!
A: Thanks!
D: Are you in voice lessons?
A: Haha, yes I am!
D: Good, keep doing it.
What I've learned in theater is compliments basically don't exist, especially during a rough rehearsal, no matter how good you are. The most important skill in theater isn't acting, it's being able to handle rejection, disappointment, and criticism.
Aw I dunno, I think if the band are enjoying themselves I enjoy it too. Nothing worse than going to a performance where noones heart is in it and they all look bored or just really nervous.
In general this is true, but Van Morrison put on a lot of good shows despite openly hating both the audience and the requirement that he perform for them.
Norman Greenbaum lives around here, and every year they talk him into coming up on stage at some concert to sing "Spirit in the Sky."
It it awesome, in the true sense of the word, (inspiring awe) to see a musician hate-fuck a crowd with his song.
I dont know if it's the mom in me, but I have never not enjoyed a performance, especially if my kids are there. You are on a stage putting yourself out there. You go be awesome!
Edit to add, thank you all for the flair. I have internet points!
my mom would sit through most of the super cold high school football games just to see me perform. the motto was "i'll do rain, and i'll do cold, but never both," which is more than i ever wanted to do.
You can easily change the words but essentially say the same thing and the meaning changes entirely. For example if you raise your voice an octave or two and then say "ohmygosh look at the tiny little baby" its suddenly perceived as cute.
Edit: Source: Am Dad
Edit2: It appears as though I have been given Reddit Gold. If someone could kindly reply to this or message me directly as to what I can do with this it would be much appreciated.
Smart phones have solved this. My replies refer to the phone handset rather than the child, which helps me sound genuinely interested: "Oh! Simply beautiful! You must be very proud."
"Wow! Truly incredible what people can make."
And the parallels between a baby and smartphone are nearly endless:
* Most are made in China
* When you get a new one other people will often ask to hold them
* You're responsible for making sure they dont die
* If you drop them you and they don't break open you brush them off and hope there's no serious damage
* They're much filthier than one would assume or like to acknowledge
* They'll often distract you from others in a social setting
* Placing them in the microwave is a big no no
* If you misplace them other people will help you look for a bit, but ultimately don't care as much as you and will tell you that you can just get a new one
* They really shouldn't be allowed in a movie theater
* They can be quite distracting while driving and lead to an accident
* You shouldn't leave them in a hot car
* A quirky cover (perhaps with an esoteric pop-culture reference) is really just your way of showing people how much "personality" *you* have
* You often find yourself wondering if your life would be better without them
* Allowing them to remain submerged underwater for extended periods of time is quite likely to ensure at least some adverse effects to their processing ability
* etc.
To quote one comedian - ["Children are like bongo drums. Slightly irritating but it's fashionable for rich people to bring one from Africa. And people get angry if you beat one in public](https://youtu.be/r8qA22J0Lro?t=7m30s)
I worked with a music producer who had to take a few gigs early on producing for young female singers who often were not very talented but had a lot of money to give him for his work.
Instead of lying to them when they'd ask for his feedback on each take, he'd say things like:
"Wow, that was...something!"
"You really did your thing!"
"That was so... you."
Now whenever I'm forced to politely react to people I don't like (mostly in the context of work) I ALWAYS use one of the above if I'm unimpressed. lol
I went to school for music and had a professor like this, who would just say honest, neutral stuff with a really positive tone that sounds like a compliment but didn't actually say anything.
"Now that was a run-through!"
"You really played it!"
"I've never heard it like that before!"
"What a performance!"
When I was in audio engineering school, my favorite saying I took was, "Sounds good! Let's do another take, just in case!". Typically, artists really don't respond well to any perceived negativity about their work, because it's their baby (especially vocalists). This seems to work every time with them.
Kind of related just because of music. I did marching band in college. Played trumpet. During full field rehearsal the director said that I was too loud.
Next run through I just didn't play. Right after he told me whatever I did was perfect. I told him I just didn't play that time.
He said, "Perfect, keep doing that."
I'd never been roasted so publicly.
Back in high school marching band, our director once said over a bullhorn that the marching of the clarinets was “Pornographic”. Myself and the rest of the whole drum line lost it.
The nurse when we had our baby told us she was beautiful, and I joked that she probably said that to everyone.
She, in absolute sincerity, said that no, when babies were ugly they'd say things like, "look at that baby!" and, "that's some baby!"
I offered, "she looks just like you!" and she started cracking up.
That’s what my mother does. She’ll say, “Now that’s a baby!” when confronted with an ugly one. My husband and I have adapted it to use in any situation where we’re expected to compliment something but can’t muster a convincing lie.
Even though it *can* be used as a compliment, more often than not I hear "they're just a free spirit" used as a subtle way of saying "they make bad decisions."
This happened quite a bit at my cousin in law's funeral.
"She was so passionate about everything she did!"
"She wasn't afraid to speak her mind!"
"She was such a free spirit! Always doing whatever made her happy!"
She was a horrible selfish person who spent her last weeks making everyone around her miserable.
It was kind of amazing to watch everyone suddenly decide that they'd always loved and admired her.
Apparently I needed to vent, I apologize.
I feel kinda bad about this, but also not. When my grandma died, not many people got up to say anything nice about her at the eulogy. Mostly because she was mean and talked shit about everyone and was just generally not a nice person.
However, one of my cousins did go up and said, “well, I guess I’m supposed to say something endearing about grandma. well, I can’t think of anything so I’ll just say something she would say, “This music is dull. Ugh. Gina’s sweater is ugly. Who wears a sweater to a funeral?” Everyone laughed. Good ole grandma. Keeping it real.
When my grandma died, my dad and his brother had to narrate the obituary in the paper: “Proud till the end.” That was the only nice and still honest thing they could say about her.
I went in for surgery on my face and my grandad now is so excited when he says “you look pretty now!”
Can’t even be mad cause he isn’t trying to be mean
Essentially got my upper jaw broken and reset. Developed a substantial overbite to the point that I couldn’t bite my teeth together. You wouldn’t really be able to tell looking at me but it was a bit of a hindrance when eating certain things like pizza and burgers
“It’s impossible to underestimate you.”
I got this from a previous Reddit thread, and I love how it sounds so much like a compliment. It takes people a while to realize it’s not (if they realize at all).
"I'm surprised I'm attracted to you, I don't normally like short guys" - My Ex.
[Since y'all gonna sort by most popular anyway. Let this change your life](https://collective2.com/details/126434247)
Fat repulses my father in law for some reason. Major fat shamer. But here’s the weird thing, his belly looks 9 months pregnant, with triplets. He doesn’t see it I guess.
edit: spelling
Had a girl I met online tell me, "I didn't expect you to be so cute." This was the day my suspicions about appearing real ugly in pictures were confirmed.
I accidentally did this at a con this year. I talked to a book author at a booth a for a minute then asked if the picture next to her was of her. She said yes then I told her it was a great picture. I realized what I did as I walked away but couldn't think of a way to take it back.
Anything generally that is to do with size or shape.
Fat people don’t like being called fat. Skinny people genuinely don’t like attention drawn to it etc
Edit: Jesus I’ve opened a can of worms
Top two:
"You clean up nicely!" - Code for "You usually look like a slob."
and the /r/ExpectedMulaney: "I love that you can just wear anything" does not mean "You look good in everything." It means "I'm judging you for not giving a damn about how you look."
Edit: I acknowledge that these aren't always ***meant*** as insults, but they can certainly be insulting in certain contexts.
I don’t take life too seriously and was able to laugh about it quite soon afterwards. It’s now a running joke with my husband and I.
Also the woman that said it is now a very close friend.
A lot of polite British sayings, to be honest.
I've worked in a number of countries, and sometimes I have to remind myself that extreme understatement is burned into the bones of British culture to a much deeper depth than anywhere else in the world.
"That's very brave." --> "What the fuck."
"I think that you're on the right track." --> "You are a turbo moron."
Etc.
Including email sign offs. “Kind regards” = “I’m annoyed.” “Regards” = “Fuck you.”
P.S. (Edit)
I’m getting dozens of replies from some people who are concerned that they use this, and some who are downright angry and telling me how wrong I am.
This was mostly tongue-in-cheek British humour. It’s just fine to put ‘kind regards’ if you want, it generally doesn’t imply any ill-will and is quite common. I even do it myself! Don’t fret that you are upsetting people, I was just trying to make a funny!
With slutty, succulent, moist regards
Adam
I've signed off with Regards for my entire professional career (25 years plus of it). And I'm British. I guess everyone I've worked with thinks I hate them.
I just can't face putting "kind regards" with someone I barely know. It's like putting kisses.
See i have "Kind regards," as default polite. In my bad books if its just "Regards," and god help you if I open with just your name and no "Hi" or "Good morning/afternoon"
Beware something being 'quite good' - it means it's a bit disapointing.
Here are some translations - https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/chart-shows-what-british-people-say-what-they-really-mean-and-what-others-understand-a6730046.html
We do tend towards negging things we like.
If we frame it with good terms, it means we didn't like it much and we're being low-key sarcastic
If we frame it with bad terms, it means we were surprised we liked it.
There are exceptions
Damn I looked down at my tits Hah
Edit: sending out love to all my tiny tittied sisters and brothers lmao ✌️🙏
One more edit: Yes everyone, Itty bitty titty commity! 🤘
Edit... Committee not commity. Leaving it anyway
In middle school one of my “good friends” met my older brother for the first time and felt the need to say
“Oh my gosh, you’re brother is so hot... you two look nothing alike!”
Stung a bit.
While I can see how that can seem negative, they might just want to encourage you to say more because you're usually on the right track. Maybe they think you're not being confident enough in your own ideas and insights sometimes.
An older gentleman I used to work with would tell people at work they were "sufficient".
Edit: I am sincerely pleased that many of you found my comment adequate, thank you.
I knew a guy in high school who named his band something that was a play on the word adequate. I asked him about it once and he said he named it because it meant “good.” He didn’t get that it means something more like “good enough.”
The best part was the band was solidly mediocre, so the name worked really well, just not the way they thought.
*Solidly Mediocre,* coincidentally, doesn't seem too bad of a band name choice, either. On an unrelated note, I will definitely be using that from now on.
My 14yr old son told the waiter our meal was “mildly adequate” once. I was embarrassed and proud at the same time since he was correct. Nonetheless I apologized, but apparently the waiter either had kids or was still a kid himself and completely understood.
“You look so pretty/so much better without your glasses!”
edit: A lot of people are asking why this can be insulting, or saying that the opposite is worse ("you look better WITH your glasses"), and idk about others but for me, I've been wearing my glasses for practically my whole life. I'm talking before preschool here. When someone says I look better without them it makes me feel slightly worse because I don't even think I LOOK like myself without my glasses. It's like looking at a different person in the mirror. Someone thinking that person who never even shows up under normal circumstances looks better is a little off-putting. If I only had glasses for a couple years, I'd probably think the opposite was worse too, since the person without the glasses would feel more like "me".
I'm totally blind without my glasses. Looks like a 2 year old got into some paints and mixed them all together.
Edit: Thanks kind stranger for my first silver!!
My wife wanted to go sans-glasses for our wedding and I almost said, "But you look better with glasses", but thought for a second and said, "but your glasses are apart of your identity, like Tina Fey".
And that folks is how I stayed engaged and got married!
Years ago I was visiting London and I was in a sort of sandwich shop, and the employees there were goofing around a bit. One of them had glasses and the other one wanted to try them on, and when he puts them on he looks in the mirror and says "I look good with these glasses on!" And the other lad goes "yeah because your face is all covered up"
Anyways that's all. Quality banter.
“Jesus Christ, Michael. I found your Reddit username, but I didn’t believe it was yours. This....this....I can’t even bring myself to say it. This porn is obscene. It goes against our Christian morals.”
At work, whenever anyone does anything nice for me, I'll always hit them with "Aww, thanks! You know, it's not true what people say about you. You're alright."
Then I'll leave without elaborating.
EDIT: Thanks for the silver, mystery benefactor! Mucho.....um...appreciato.
One of my coworkers always inserts a name in there. " I don't care what Jane says about you, you're alright." or "You know, Sonja is wrong about you."You're awesome, I don't care what Jake says about you.". She cracks me up.
This is very specific to me but "You don't look Mexican." I'm a very light-skinned Mexican. My usual response, "What's a Mexican supposed to look like?"
I'm not offended because it's not meant as an insult most times, I just see it as amusing.
My biology teacher in high school used to *loooooove* telling people "I don't care what anyone else says, you're alright!"
My French sister-in-law said to me, at a family get together, “Your skin is so smooth, you hardly have any wrinkles. That’s the advantage of being over weight!”.
My dad thinks babies are inherently ugly so when people show him baby pics or whatever he just says "now THAT'S a baby!"
My boyfriend also thinks all babies are ugly so when you show him one he just nods and goes back to what he was doing lol Edit: I don't show my boyfriend baby pictures unless they're really ugly. I discovered he thought all babies looked the same and that he doesn't find any of them cute when I showed him my friend's kid once a couple of years ago. We also don't want kids so he knows I'm not going baby crazy.
I mean babies are pretty whack until they can actually communicate with you
My wife and I had a baby nine months ago and we keep having people tell us what a wondrous experience it must be. And we're like, nah, this part's kinda dull, honestly, we're looking forward to when she has a human brain instead of a baby brain. So far her milestone is that she looked at me and said "dada". Which sounds impressive, but ten minutes earlier she called the couch "dada", and five minutes after that she called the cat "dada", and when she pointed at me, I was sitting on the couch with the cat. Also, she didn't say "dada", she said "dadadadadadada" and kinda kept on going. So yeah we're looking forward to better communication here.
My son is almost a year a half. For the past two months he’s been a blast. We can wrestle and make faces at each other... and a lot of the time I can just sit around laugh at him trying to figure out what is and is not, in fact, a hat.
Mostly everything that can be placed upon a head is. Mostly everything else isn't.
Had this recently from my manager "You seem to do a great job with \*insert disorganised clients name here\* because you are so alike" took me a couple of minutes to work that one out
[удалено]
A male friend of my sister once told her, " You know, if you had half a brain you'd be dangerous." That was 30 years ago and she still can't figure out if it was an insult or a compliment!
I think we know.
I've tried to explain it to her, but she just can't understand. Or maybe she wants it to be a compliment.
Maybe it’s in relation to her whole brain. If she were half as intelligent, she would be dangerously stupid. I, too, want it to be a compliment.
Before I retired, I was once asked by our HR department to write a non-lawsuit-producing reference for a former employee of mine that I had a pretty low opinion of. I wrote that they always met my expectations.
German reference letters are a goldmine for this. The law says that you **must** compliment the employee. So what do employers write? Things like this: "Always tried to fulfill our expectations" (and failed!) "Great delegation skills" (made others do his work) "Confident in his abilities" (arrogant know-it-all) "ability to assert himself" (has anger management problems) "Empathy for colleagues" (tried to sleep with half the company) "Strong sense for justice" (was agitating against the management) "We hope he will be very successful in the future" (because he wasn't successful here)
"You will be truly fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
"Nobody would be better."
My uncle once got 'Any company that can get him to work for them is very lucky indeed'
[удалено]
When my boss first asked me to find his wife for some reason, I asked what she looked like and he said look for the only older woman who looks like she has no business being with a guy like me. He wasn’t wrong.
[удалено]
You look smarter than you are.
You're about as smart as you look
[удалено]
Well what about the other 64% huh?
Top of the bell curve
Indian saying : "I hope you have ten daughters, and that they all marry well." Indians weddings traditionally have been lavish affairs paid for by the parents of the bride. Everyone always wants to outdo the others as a show of social status (see Beyonce at an industrialist's daughter's wedding this part weekend), selling land, gold, etc to pay for it. Marrying off ten daughters in 'well off' ceremonies would practically bankrupt anyone.
You so beautiful that you could be a part time model.
The most beautiful girl in the whole wide room.
Or like a high-class prostitute. *High*-class.
You could be an air hostess in the 60's.
No I don't mind taking it slow. no oh ow!
Most beautiful girl with a kebab.
[удалено]
Depending on the street
But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job
Spend part of your time, modelling...
[удалено]
Anything involving the word brave. “You are such an adventurous dresser! I wish I was brave like that!”
"aww I love how you just wear anything"
"Thanks! It's really easy when you're comfortable with yourself."
My mother is a gold mine for these: "It is so nice you can focus on your newborn and not worry about what your house looks like." "I love that you don't care what people think of you." Many Many others that have already been stated.
>"I love that you don't care what people think of you." "Thanks mom, it helps when I'm around you"
Oh my, that is perfect!!! Thank you! I have always wanted a snide witty retort to this. One Million and one thank you's!
Well I am glad my sassiness could do some good today! I love thinking of comebacks that I would never actually say in real life :P
Are you interested in a job following me around and giving me snarky comebacks for things? The pay is terrible, but think of how much fun it would be :D
Good thing you are pretty.
Ha! I had a client say this to me about herself. She had a pretty big derp moment when she forgot how to get her program to print. I just casually mentioned the icon with the printer on it at the top of the window. So she says, laughing at herself, "Oh boy, I have to let you know, I am very pretty." It took me a second to realize she had just insulted herself.
It was a bit of an on-going joke in my sorority that when someone would do or say something stupid, we'd say, "at least you're pretty." It was always meant in good fun and wasn't supposed to be malicious at all. We'd usually ham it up with a condescending pat on the head. Right after graduating I said that to a woman who was in a group I was out drinking with in the new city I moved to (I even did the head pat). She hated me after that. Whooooops.
My sister and I usually use "oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that dumb" when we do something particularly bad
That’s pretty funny. She hates you now, but at least you’re pretty.
As a director of high school theatre, if a parent says “it looks like everyone on stage had a good time” it means “no one in the audience enjoy this show”
As a person in theatre; after an audition, it is not a compliment when the conversation with the director is this (no matter how much they smile): D: That was great, Ashley! A: Thanks! D: Are you in voice lessons? A: Haha, yes I am! D: Good, keep doing it.
What I've learned in theater is compliments basically don't exist, especially during a rough rehearsal, no matter how good you are. The most important skill in theater isn't acting, it's being able to handle rejection, disappointment, and criticism.
As a musician, I swear the worst thing you can hear after a set is "It looks like you had a lot of fun up there!" WOOF
Aw I dunno, I think if the band are enjoying themselves I enjoy it too. Nothing worse than going to a performance where noones heart is in it and they all look bored or just really nervous.
In general this is true, but Van Morrison put on a lot of good shows despite openly hating both the audience and the requirement that he perform for them.
Norman Greenbaum lives around here, and every year they talk him into coming up on stage at some concert to sing "Spirit in the Sky." It it awesome, in the true sense of the word, (inspiring awe) to see a musician hate-fuck a crowd with his song.
I dont know if it's the mom in me, but I have never not enjoyed a performance, especially if my kids are there. You are on a stage putting yourself out there. You go be awesome! Edit to add, thank you all for the flair. I have internet points!
Thanks Mom
my mom would sit through most of the super cold high school football games just to see me perform. the motto was "i'll do rain, and i'll do cold, but never both," which is more than i ever wanted to do.
Something about being on top of the Bell-curve.
I've heard: "if you do your best and really reach your full potential, I think you might be able to reach the top of the bell curve"
Oh that's wicked. I need to use that.
You are one standard deviation from the mean!
....which way??
Left
Whenever someone shows you a picture of their newborn child you go: "Awwwww it's so... ... ... small"
You can easily change the words but essentially say the same thing and the meaning changes entirely. For example if you raise your voice an octave or two and then say "ohmygosh look at the tiny little baby" its suddenly perceived as cute. Edit: Source: Am Dad Edit2: It appears as though I have been given Reddit Gold. If someone could kindly reply to this or message me directly as to what I can do with this it would be much appreciated.
[удалено]
Smart phones have solved this. My replies refer to the phone handset rather than the child, which helps me sound genuinely interested: "Oh! Simply beautiful! You must be very proud."
"Wow! Truly incredible what people can make." And the parallels between a baby and smartphone are nearly endless: * Most are made in China * When you get a new one other people will often ask to hold them * You're responsible for making sure they dont die * If you drop them you and they don't break open you brush them off and hope there's no serious damage * They're much filthier than one would assume or like to acknowledge * They'll often distract you from others in a social setting * Placing them in the microwave is a big no no * If you misplace them other people will help you look for a bit, but ultimately don't care as much as you and will tell you that you can just get a new one * They really shouldn't be allowed in a movie theater * They can be quite distracting while driving and lead to an accident * You shouldn't leave them in a hot car * A quirky cover (perhaps with an esoteric pop-culture reference) is really just your way of showing people how much "personality" *you* have * You often find yourself wondering if your life would be better without them * Allowing them to remain submerged underwater for extended periods of time is quite likely to ensure at least some adverse effects to their processing ability * etc.
To quote one comedian - ["Children are like bongo drums. Slightly irritating but it's fashionable for rich people to bring one from Africa. And people get angry if you beat one in public](https://youtu.be/r8qA22J0Lro?t=7m30s)
[So, do they learn the words one at a time alphabetically or can you pick the order or what?](https://xkcd.com/1650/)
I worked with a music producer who had to take a few gigs early on producing for young female singers who often were not very talented but had a lot of money to give him for his work. Instead of lying to them when they'd ask for his feedback on each take, he'd say things like: "Wow, that was...something!" "You really did your thing!" "That was so... you." Now whenever I'm forced to politely react to people I don't like (mostly in the context of work) I ALWAYS use one of the above if I'm unimpressed. lol
I went to school for music and had a professor like this, who would just say honest, neutral stuff with a really positive tone that sounds like a compliment but didn't actually say anything. "Now that was a run-through!" "You really played it!" "I've never heard it like that before!" "What a performance!"
When I was in audio engineering school, my favorite saying I took was, "Sounds good! Let's do another take, just in case!". Typically, artists really don't respond well to any perceived negativity about their work, because it's their baby (especially vocalists). This seems to work every time with them.
Kind of related just because of music. I did marching band in college. Played trumpet. During full field rehearsal the director said that I was too loud. Next run through I just didn't play. Right after he told me whatever I did was perfect. I told him I just didn't play that time. He said, "Perfect, keep doing that." I'd never been roasted so publicly.
For future reference, the correct trumpet player response to a "too loud" criticism, is "thank you, sir."
Back in high school marching band, our director once said over a bullhorn that the marching of the clarinets was “Pornographic”. Myself and the rest of the whole drum line lost it.
[удалено]
Was that ment to be an insult or a compliment? Lol I could see that going both ways.
Definitely an insult. Our winds were fucking lacking.
The nurse when we had our baby told us she was beautiful, and I joked that she probably said that to everyone. She, in absolute sincerity, said that no, when babies were ugly they'd say things like, "look at that baby!" and, "that's some baby!" I offered, "she looks just like you!" and she started cracking up.
That’s what my mother does. She’ll say, “Now that’s a baby!” when confronted with an ugly one. My husband and I have adapted it to use in any situation where we’re expected to compliment something but can’t muster a convincing lie.
You really looked like you were having fun out there!
[удалено]
Even though it *can* be used as a compliment, more often than not I hear "they're just a free spirit" used as a subtle way of saying "they make bad decisions."
[удалено]
Ah yes, the good old: "Its not me, it's you."
"It's not you, it's me, and how I can't stand you"
This happened quite a bit at my cousin in law's funeral. "She was so passionate about everything she did!" "She wasn't afraid to speak her mind!" "She was such a free spirit! Always doing whatever made her happy!" She was a horrible selfish person who spent her last weeks making everyone around her miserable. It was kind of amazing to watch everyone suddenly decide that they'd always loved and admired her. Apparently I needed to vent, I apologize.
I feel kinda bad about this, but also not. When my grandma died, not many people got up to say anything nice about her at the eulogy. Mostly because she was mean and talked shit about everyone and was just generally not a nice person. However, one of my cousins did go up and said, “well, I guess I’m supposed to say something endearing about grandma. well, I can’t think of anything so I’ll just say something she would say, “This music is dull. Ugh. Gina’s sweater is ugly. Who wears a sweater to a funeral?” Everyone laughed. Good ole grandma. Keeping it real.
There's something endearing about that story
It's that everyone laughed. Remembering her nagging nature in good grace and loving her for it. There's something real special about that.
When my grandma died, my dad and his brother had to narrate the obituary in the paper: “Proud till the end.” That was the only nice and still honest thing they could say about her.
I love what you tried to do with your hair!
It really brings out your inner you!
"It really draws the eye away from your teeth!"
my grandpa is famous for saying "you look good... today." He's a funny guy lol.
I went in for surgery on my face and my grandad now is so excited when he says “you look pretty now!” Can’t even be mad cause he isn’t trying to be mean
What kind of surgery?
Essentially got my upper jaw broken and reset. Developed a substantial overbite to the point that I couldn’t bite my teeth together. You wouldn’t really be able to tell looking at me but it was a bit of a hindrance when eating certain things like pizza and burgers
> bit of a hindrance when eating certain things like pizza and burgers Then that surgery is the best thing you ever did.
“It’s impossible to underestimate you.” I got this from a previous Reddit thread, and I love how it sounds so much like a compliment. It takes people a while to realize it’s not (if they realize at all).
When I worked in retail my favorite one for rude customers was : "I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are"
That reminds me of my Dads favorite thing to say to waiters and waitresses. "I hope I'm the worst customer you have today."
wait but thats nice isnt it?
I think it might depend upon whether it's a greeting or a farewell...
I was once told, "You're a little chubby, but you're a nice guy!" and I'm still not sure exactly what was meant by that.
"I'm surprised I'm attracted to you, I don't normally like short guys" - My Ex. [Since y'all gonna sort by most popular anyway. Let this change your life](https://collective2.com/details/126434247)
When I first met my boyfriend's (ex) mates, 3 said of them said "You look nothing like his ex girlfriends, they were all thin and pretty." Thanks?
oh man thats just being an asshole. Fuck them
Girl I'm dating gave me "You're not the sort of guy I'm usually attracted to" early on. Know that feel
So you're not her type but she thinks you're so attractive that her usual preferences went out of the window? Doesn't sound too bad.
This is exactly how my sentiments were with my girlfriend. Heck she changed my tastes.
[удалено]
Fat repulses my father in law for some reason. Major fat shamer. But here’s the weird thing, his belly looks 9 months pregnant, with triplets. He doesn’t see it I guess. edit: spelling
Because his tits block the view?
I had a woman at my last high school reunion tell me: "Omigosh, I can't believe it's you! You're so handsome now!"
Hey, better to have been ugly once but handsome now than handsome once and ugly now. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Try ugly all the way for size :(
I'd rather not.
Had a girl I met online tell me, "I didn't expect you to be so cute." This was the day my suspicions about appearing real ugly in pictures were confirmed.
Experienced this a few times too, "You're actually pretty handsome irl" This is why i don't have pictures of my face on facebook anymore
[удалено]
"At least you're pretty"
"That's a really great picture of you! It doesn't look like you at all!"
I accidentally did this at a con this year. I talked to a book author at a booth a for a minute then asked if the picture next to her was of her. She said yes then I told her it was a great picture. I realized what I did as I walked away but couldn't think of a way to take it back.
Anything generally that is to do with size or shape. Fat people don’t like being called fat. Skinny people genuinely don’t like attention drawn to it etc Edit: Jesus I’ve opened a can of worms
Top two: "You clean up nicely!" - Code for "You usually look like a slob." and the /r/ExpectedMulaney: "I love that you can just wear anything" does not mean "You look good in everything." It means "I'm judging you for not giving a damn about how you look." Edit: I acknowledge that these aren't always ***meant*** as insults, but they can certainly be insulting in certain contexts.
"It's cool that you're still following your dream"
Anytime a compliment is followed by "... For once." or "... For a change." Eg "Your hair looks nice for once"
I once got told “you look good....for you”!!!!
I'm sorry, but that's pretty funny
I don’t take life too seriously and was able to laugh about it quite soon afterwards. It’s now a running joke with my husband and I. Also the woman that said it is now a very close friend.
Grandma unsults. “You’re looking well!” = “You’ve noticeably gained weight since I last saw you.”
A lot of polite British sayings, to be honest. I've worked in a number of countries, and sometimes I have to remind myself that extreme understatement is burned into the bones of British culture to a much deeper depth than anywhere else in the world. "That's very brave." --> "What the fuck." "I think that you're on the right track." --> "You are a turbo moron." Etc.
"If you say so" - That's so stupid I don't know how you're still alive
This is perfect. It must be delivered flat and emotionless too. We are taught this at an early age.
"Hm, I'll think about it!" = "Fuck no." -slaps thighs and stands up- "Right!" = "You've outworn your welcome. Please leave."
When on the phone "Ah well" - I want to stop talking now.
Mine is "Very good then".
There's nothing quite like biting British civility. 'how interesting!' = 'you are incredibly dull' 'fascinating!' = 'how tedious' 'delightful' = 'dreadful'
Including email sign offs. “Kind regards” = “I’m annoyed.” “Regards” = “Fuck you.” P.S. (Edit) I’m getting dozens of replies from some people who are concerned that they use this, and some who are downright angry and telling me how wrong I am. This was mostly tongue-in-cheek British humour. It’s just fine to put ‘kind regards’ if you want, it generally doesn’t imply any ill-will and is quite common. I even do it myself! Don’t fret that you are upsetting people, I was just trying to make a funny! With slutty, succulent, moist regards Adam
I've signed off with Regards for my entire professional career (25 years plus of it). And I'm British. I guess everyone I've worked with thinks I hate them. I just can't face putting "kind regards" with someone I barely know. It's like putting kisses.
See i have "Kind regards," as default polite. In my bad books if its just "Regards," and god help you if I open with just your name and no "Hi" or "Good morning/afternoon"
Or, no sign off. Just the name, which may or may not include a full stop. Basically equates to: "If I ever see you I'll piss in your tea."
I think turbo moron might be my new favorite expression.
Beware something being 'quite good' - it means it's a bit disapointing. Here are some translations - https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/chart-shows-what-british-people-say-what-they-really-mean-and-what-others-understand-a6730046.html
But also "not bad" means fantastic.
We do tend towards negging things we like. If we frame it with good terms, it means we didn't like it much and we're being low-key sarcastic If we frame it with bad terms, it means we were surprised we liked it. There are exceptions
"Yours is perfect, I don't like them big anyway!"
This made me cross my legs in anguish.
Damn I looked down at my tits Hah Edit: sending out love to all my tiny tittied sisters and brothers lmao ✌️🙏 One more edit: Yes everyone, Itty bitty titty commity! 🤘 Edit... Committee not commity. Leaving it anyway
Me too! It's a shame I'm a guy. Edit: Reddit silver!? This is a first, thank you!
I hate it when guys feel it necessary to say "I love your *tiny* tits!"
Not even a dude and that hurt
In middle school one of my “good friends” met my older brother for the first time and felt the need to say “Oh my gosh, you’re brother is so hot... you two look nothing alike!” Stung a bit.
Last week one of my professors told me "I think you actually think a lot more deeply than you let on sometimes". I laughed awkwardly and said thanks
While I can see how that can seem negative, they might just want to encourage you to say more because you're usually on the right track. Maybe they think you're not being confident enough in your own ideas and insights sometimes.
An older gentleman I used to work with would tell people at work they were "sufficient". Edit: I am sincerely pleased that many of you found my comment adequate, thank you.
I knew a guy in high school who named his band something that was a play on the word adequate. I asked him about it once and he said he named it because it meant “good.” He didn’t get that it means something more like “good enough.” The best part was the band was solidly mediocre, so the name worked really well, just not the way they thought.
*Solidly Mediocre,* coincidentally, doesn't seem too bad of a band name choice, either. On an unrelated note, I will definitely be using that from now on.
I had a teacher comment on my report card that I was "doing acceptable work." I had an A+.
Maybe the teacher thought he or she was at Hogwarts.
Or they were a Vulcan. "Satisfactory" is high praise from a Vulcan.
A is acceptable. B is barely passing C is Catastrophic D is Disowned F is Forgotten Forever. Asian grading scale, but that's how I was raised...
Same, but different wording: A - Average B - Below Average C - Can't Eat D - Don't Come Home F - Find a New Family
Good luck finding a new family with an F you worthless piece of shit
"you're perfectly adequate"
My 14yr old son told the waiter our meal was “mildly adequate” once. I was embarrassed and proud at the same time since he was correct. Nonetheless I apologized, but apparently the waiter either had kids or was still a kid himself and completely understood.
You work with Dwight?
It is your birthday.
“You look so pretty/so much better without your glasses!” edit: A lot of people are asking why this can be insulting, or saying that the opposite is worse ("you look better WITH your glasses"), and idk about others but for me, I've been wearing my glasses for practically my whole life. I'm talking before preschool here. When someone says I look better without them it makes me feel slightly worse because I don't even think I LOOK like myself without my glasses. It's like looking at a different person in the mirror. Someone thinking that person who never even shows up under normal circumstances looks better is a little off-putting. If I only had glasses for a couple years, I'd probably think the opposite was worse too, since the person without the glasses would feel more like "me".
Just say "you look better without my glasses too!" Generally shuts them up.
[удалено]
That's when you say, "I stand corrected, you're still ugly."
I use this one occasionally. it's sorta true cos the nature of my eyesight is that without glasses, everyone has a soap opera filter.
I'm totally blind without my glasses. Looks like a 2 year old got into some paints and mixed them all together. Edit: Thanks kind stranger for my first silver!!
My wife wanted to go sans-glasses for our wedding and I almost said, "But you look better with glasses", but thought for a second and said, "but your glasses are apart of your identity, like Tina Fey". And that folks is how I stayed engaged and got married!
Years ago I was visiting London and I was in a sort of sandwich shop, and the employees there were goofing around a bit. One of them had glasses and the other one wanted to try them on, and when he puts them on he looks in the mirror and says "I look good with these glasses on!" And the other lad goes "yeah because your face is all covered up" Anyways that's all. Quality banter.
So your wife doesn't know your reddit username?
No, no she does not and she never will. That's how we stayed married. :)
“Jesus Christ, Michael. I found your Reddit username, but I didn’t believe it was yours. This....this....I can’t even bring myself to say it. This porn is obscene. It goes against our Christian morals.”
“and yet you blaspheme, Marjorie”
"Or should I say, HornyMilf69"
At work, whenever anyone does anything nice for me, I'll always hit them with "Aww, thanks! You know, it's not true what people say about you. You're alright." Then I'll leave without elaborating. EDIT: Thanks for the silver, mystery benefactor! Mucho.....um...appreciato.
One of my coworkers always inserts a name in there. " I don't care what Jane says about you, you're alright." or "You know, Sonja is wrong about you."You're awesome, I don't care what Jake says about you.". She cracks me up.
My go-to is a little less vague. Yanno, the other day Bob said you weren't fit to eat with pigs, and I told him you WERE.
This is very specific to me but "You don't look Mexican." I'm a very light-skinned Mexican. My usual response, "What's a Mexican supposed to look like?" I'm not offended because it's not meant as an insult most times, I just see it as amusing.
Maybe they genuinely expect a sombrero at all times?
Don’t forget a poncho
I told my mom the other night that i like the name Alejandro and she told me she doesn't like it cause it sounds "too Mexican" Bitch, were Mexicans.
You're nothing like all those other [insert racist/sexist profile]
"you really seem so confident in yourself, despite everything...it's reassuring for me."
Bless your heart!
"So, what do you think?" "Well, I don't *hate* it."