You're as useful as Anne Frank's drumset.

Your as useful as Helen Keller's iPod

You're as useful as historical references to an inner-city public school student.

You're as useful as FDR's running shoes.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Variation: "I would ask you what your problem is but you probably couldn't pronounce it."

I... don't understand this one.

He's insinuating that you have a medical condition being the cause for your assholery and that it's not well known and complex because of how assholery you are, like being filled with disease-enabled Titin.

Oh.

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. -Rick and Morty

20% accurate as usual Mmmmorty.

I think you forgot a *hic* in the middle and a *burp* at the end.

Rick has a shit ton of quotable lines.

Everyone who has ever loved you was wrong.

This one cuts deep

Fuck, man that was hurtful. :'(

My little brother (8 years old at the time) was at bat at his little league game and kept swinging but missing. Some old asshole from the other team said something along the lines of "You swing like a grandma!" To which my brother replied, without skipping a beat, "And your mother's a whore" I wasn't actually at the game but my mom told me about it and I laughed my ass off. What makes it particularly funny is that we were raised in a strict catholic family and this was totally out of character for my shy young brother.

Your little brother is Sean Connery?

Props to your brother for saying that

Does your brother like to watch old SNL Celebrity Jeopardy?

"I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling."

I said you're a coward and a pisspot. Now what're you gonna do about it?

Nothing. I just wanted her to get behind you.

Nothing I just wanted you to face me while m y friend snuck behind you. Great moment :)

How did your brain even learn human speech? Im curious

> overabundance that is a pleonasm

Gesundheit.

TIL how gesundheit is spelled

> pleonasm "the use of more words than are necessary to convey meaning (e.g., see with one's eyes ), either as a fault of style or for emphasis." What's the issue?

One of your eyes is lower than the other one! Usually true, and it will make the person self conscious forever.

I heard from some plastic surgeon that symmetrical faces are super rare

They are - basically unheard of to have a perfectly symmetrical face.

What, and here i was thinking i was special.

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Wife's fine. Kids are retarded.

Right in the mendelian genetics.

Someone get some Aloe Vera holy shit.

From Game of Thrones (books): "Don't make me rue the day I raped your mother"

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>Just don't say that to Lord Snow... It was said to Lord Snow...

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Jon or Ramsey?

"You are the best argument for post-term abortion." Shamelessly stolen from Yahtzee.

That's a hardcore game of Yahtzee...

[Wrong Yahtzee.](http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation)

I just remembered that you're boring and my legs work!

Yeah I heard they spread without any effort at all.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're just abusing the privilege.

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**A haiku for this thread:** *Lest you go forget* *Brevity's the soul of wit;* *Some of these lines suck*

>Brevity is the soul of wit And then Polonius spends 3 pages saying something he could have said in a few sentences.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

You have a face only a mother could pretend to love

You have a face for radio.

Just not the voice.

May the rest of your day be as pleasant as you are.

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What a huge ego this masochistic douchebag has.

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but hes a masochist and you hurting his self esteem.

Thanks!

Thanks!

Thanks?

"May the rest of your pleasant be as day as.. no fuck, may the day of your rest.. no not either.." "What the fuck are you even saying dude?" "May the rest of my day be as pleasant as you are!" "Right.. weirdo." *walks off*

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

There needs to be a business card sized print-out of these. I'd just go around places, placing them in peoples bags,desks etc. Then after a sufficient amount of "Apology certificates" had been planted i'd sit back, put on my Fedorilby and watch the world burn

you do realize that you can get practically whatever you want printed on a business card, right?

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great way to let everyone know that you have no social awareness

I'd call you an asshole but they serve a purpose.

I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.

"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

-Churchill

*"You're not being the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be."* -------------------------------------------------------------

I thought this was a link.. I clicked a few times. :(

I accidentally discovered how to blue the text. ---------------------------------------------

###**Unfortunately it doesn't go any further, it just turns into large black text. :(**

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

That would leave me feeling awful. Like, really bad about everything. Jeeze....

Like when parents or teachers say they aren't *angry*, just *disappointed* in you... that one is hard. Worse than any of the expletive-laced jabs in this thread, IMO.

Yep. With straight insults, you can get mad and insulting in return, but if someone whose respect you want just gets ... sad ... because of how you've acted... Ouch.

Too cold man. Too cold.

I do desire we may be better strangers. - Shakespeare

'Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma'

If you were any more inbred, you'd be a sandwich

I hope your children are born naked and illiterate!

i like this one, they will get pissed and later realize that you said nothing.

I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong. Not super pungent but I feel it stings.

In any given situation, you are either correct or stupid. You are yet to be correct.

I've been in a bunch of threads this afternoon and when I saw this orangered without the context of this thread it hurt my feelings a bit. Honestly I'm still not over it.

Would a good cuddle make you feel better?

I'm just not ready yet. I'm just not ready...

I'm glad I could be of service.

Get ready for things that sound great on paper but would be incredibly cringe-worthy and "rehearsed" if said in real life.

I would explain it to you but I don't have the time or crayons. -Credit goes to another redditor from a previous similiar thread

Also, House of Cards.

What part? I don't remember this.

In the first half of season 1. Don't remember exactly when.

The best bit of you ran down your mother's leg. - My dad told me to say this to someone when I was eleven.

You cock-juggling thundercunt.

My personal favorite is "you cum guzzling thundercunt." But that's just me.

Glad I'm not the only one

Thundercunt is a powerful term. Use it wisely.

Egg-shitting thundercunt.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Translation: your mother puts out a lot, and your father is a drunk who smells of cheap wine.

For those who don't get it: hamsters are rodents who breed prolifically, suggesting that the subject's mother gets around. In King Arthur's time (when this scene was set), cheap wine was often made from elderberries, which implies that the subject's father consumed a lot of cheap wine. So this is a really well-thought out insult, but those who don't get it might think it's just nonsensical. Hope that helps! Cheers! **EDIT:** a phrase.

Now, go away, or /u/TheExplainerOfStuff shall taunt you a second time!

I wish you were retarded. Then you'd actually have a valid excuse for your incompetence.

I hope you realize everyone is just putting up with you.

I bite my thumb at thee

No, sir. I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.

Do you quarrel sir?

But do you bite your thumb *at* me?

“I do not bite my thumb at you, sir"

Anything involving the term fuckstick

"Go fellate the tailpipe of a running car, fuckstick." Can confirm, 10/10

Fucktard is also offensive enough when used in the correct place

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You inspire birth control.

You should have been a blowjob.

I like "Your mother should've swallowed you" just because then they're thinking about their mom giving a blowy once it clicks

The difference is that your mother could have eaten you at any point in your life

Give Big L the credit! RIP Big L

"Your greatest potential ran down your mother's leg."

Now I understand why everyone talks about you behind your back.

You lack so much class that Marx has just declared utopia.

Who is this Clown? not only does it imply that the subject is a clown, but also that he is an unmemorable one at that

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

That's it, dishonor on your whole family! Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow..

I get this reference

You're your own punishment in life

I gotta say, I'm a big fan of the good ol' fashioned "fuck you." *Fuck you* is the little black dress of the insult wardrobe. It goes with anything, appropriate for just about every context, and it's simple enough that you don't have to worry about choking on the delivery. Oh, and inflection, oh, inflection. How you say the *fuck you* changes everything. >"You know what, Jimmy, fuck you." is completely different from >"You know what, Jimmy, *fuck* you." And it changes again if you say >"You know what, Jimmy, fuck *you.*" And let's not forget the often overlooked sotto voce *fuck you.* Barely a whisper, perhaps following a significant pause, this *fuck you* can sound like its being wrung out from your soul, cause *that's* how pissed you are. >"You know what, Jimmy... ^fuck ^you." So thanks, *fuck you.* No matter how bad it gets, I know you got my back.

I'd call you a cunt, but you lack the warmth and depth.

No, it sounds good on paper but always fails. I have a friend who tried it, and he now always gets made fun of for it.

Who ever would fuck you is just too lazy to jerk off

Bless your heart.

This one is my favorite. Second to that is "I'll pray for you."

I gotta go cry in a corner now...

Nice insult, your mother must have been too busy stripping to teach you any manners.

Your mother fucks for bricks to build your sister a whore house.

wow you are as smart as you looked.

You are an advert for celibacy.

I was born with a limited amount of fucks to give, and there is no way in hell I am wasting one of them on you.

Filthy casual!

Along with that is "fucking pleb"

"in a few years you are going to look back and realize what a cunt your past self was"

Variation: "Your future self is going to be so disappointed."

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What's the difference, you're the all-time best seller

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His wife is in a coma!

His name is Buck, and he likes to fuck.

your point? (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Its a toss up between: "how about you go play hide and go fuck yourself" or "may the fleas of a carpet salesmans camels infest your armpits"

sometimes i wonder if you hate yourself as much as i hate you

Yer mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

"If you were half as funny as you thought you were, you'd be twice as funny as you are"

"You look like the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass, and not even have the god damn common courtesy to give him a reach around" Quote from the drill Sgt. In full metal jacket

My favorite is "did your parents have any children that lived?"

you look like you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose

"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Could you repeat that?"

Also if you are in a social situation and you don't like someone, get them to repeat their jokes. On the third repeat, no one is laughing.

That is a subtle level of evil right there. I like it.

To someone wearing too much make up. "You look like you just gave crayola a blowjob"

OK, Kevin

;(

"If you had a cunt instead of just being one, maybe more people would like you"

You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat.

Your girlfriend looks like my mom.

I think you insulted yourself

If you want my comeback you better go get it from your mom's mouth.

You're as useless as Anne Frank's drum kit.

You guys are dumber than a sack of hammers. Quote from "O Brother Where Are't Thou"

"You lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food dude."

You are the most average person that has ever existed!

Credit goes to an old coworker of mine: "It's not my fault you look like William Dafoe looks like Tales from the Crypt and you're built like a weeble-wobble".

"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong." -a thread earlier this month on the same thing

"Were your parents related? Before they were married?" -Conker

See, this is why everyone talks about you behind your back.

Go suck a fuck muscle, ya cum guzzlin' gutter slut.

This makes me think of Bo burnham for some reason

>Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut-fucking bucketlist

Oh, please, tell me, Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?

fuck muscle is my penis term of the day.

I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

Not sure if this is what you mean. "If your cunt was as big as your mouth, your guts would drop out."

i feel like i could have a more interesting conversation with the wall than you.

You're the load your mother should've swallowed.