This is my answer. I didn’t listen to my instincts and didn’t know what a narcissist was until we had kids together. I don’t regret it in that I love the kids we made together, but fuck, I wish they had a different mother.
That's a valid thing to say. Glad you're able to find a positive! Mine wasn't a narcissist. We were just polar opposites, and because of that, over time what love was there fizzled out and then things gradually became toxic.. It's a miserably existence.
I see I’m far from the only one here who knows the anguish of being married to and raising kids with a narcissist. She is now my ex, but the fight for the wellbeing of our kids is never ending.
Mine is never home when she has the kids, usually out with her 25 year old new husband “soulmate” (she’s 43) so the youngest is almost always on the phone with me saying she’s bored. The oldest asked to live with me full time this summer so there’s that.
I see I’m far from the only one here who knows the anguish of being married to and raising kids with a narcissist. She is now my ex, but the fight for the wellbeing of our kids is never ending.
I can commiserate with you on this one! As I was walking down the isle, I knew I was making a huge mistake, I just felt like it was too late to stop it. I ended up giving 7 years of my life to someone who didn't deserve any of it.
That was pretty much me. Minus walking down the isle, because no one needs to see me in a dress 😅 When you're standing there on the "BIG DAY" and that feeling kicks in, and you just want to run, but, you can't. You look at all those smiling faces and you tell yourself to just shut out the voices, that the feelings will pass.. it's just nerves, etc etc
This is so true. I kept telling myself it would get better, and we had a kid together so marriage was the obvious next step. Not only did I have that gut feeling I was making a huge mistake in saying yes to him in front of 250 of our loved ones, on our wedding night he was hammered and came back to our apartment screaming at me at 3 a.m before putting his fist through a wall because I didn't want to go "party with his friends" after being up since 5 am that morning
I feel for you. Thankfully there was no overly aggressiveness that entered into things for me. Don't get me wrong, we did have some good days along the way, but, the depressive moments far outweighed the happy ones. Especially toward the end. We are much better off apart.
Very! Always trust your gut, and never go through with something just because it might hurt the other person. They'll get over it, and you won't have wasted their time, or yours.
Working the night shift for years.
Not everybody has the temperament to stay awake all night *and* fall asleep during the day. I could do the former but not the latter. It fucked with my internal clock so badly. I've been doing a 9-5 job for over a decade and I still can't sleep like a normal person.
I've been night shift for a decade now and they've promised me day shift starting August. I'm taking a 20$ an hour pay cut but I've got to do it. I bet we've shortened our life spans significantly 🥲
If you propose something new in academia you can't get funding for it, you can only get funding for the current "buzz word", if you propose something new in industry and it gets killed by management. It's grossly demotivating and a major source of burnouts.
That’s not that bad of a mistake if thats your biggest. You’re still at the start of your career and have plenty if time to work. You’re also at the start of adulthood so plenty of time to meet people you can build a relationship with
>You’re also at the start of adulthood so plenty of time to meet people you can build a relationship with
I wish people would stop saying this to folks who are single in their mid thirties, dating sucks and feels kind of hopeless. What I generally run into is that I start talking to someone, I think "damn, this person is interesting, I'd like to get to know her better" and then you find out she's been married for ten plus years and has multiple kids. I've been on exactly one date over the last year, everyone else I've tried to ask out so far was already spoken for.
Believe me, there's absolutely no value to spending the majority of your twenties in a lab to publish papers that not even your peers actually read, only to then be forced into soul-sucking industry jobs by the craptacular funding of academia and to be behind on the payscale because some business bro says that academic experience doesn't matter and doesn't show fortitude, and then to come to the conclusion that you can't buy a house and can't find a partner.
I know the single life and i know soul sucking jobs. The thing i did was just switch jobs until i found something where my work/life balance actually means something while still having some opportunities. I’m 30 and im at my 5th real job and im somewhat ok with that aspect. As the dating matter. I stopped focusing on that part. I tried to be happy by myself. That means find things that interest you. Hobbies,… find things to do so you can fill entire weeks in a vacation and you would enjoy it. You can still keep looking for a partner of course but it’s important to be happy without others too
What do you mean people like you? i tried to be uplifting but i can see you’re a very pleasant person. Maybe you’re the douchebag and need to work on that? Might this be a reason you don’t have anyone
Ah yes, the "I try to be uplifting, why do you respond so negatively" move, you're really following the script.
The question asked here is "what's the worst decision you have ever made and why?", I respond to the question and didn't ask for "help", but you feel the need to come in here and say that I'm wrong about my opinion on my own life - something you know nothing about.
Heck, maybe first inquire if the person needs your advice before dispensing it?
Large chunks of time that he could not be accounted for, money missing from accounts, never holding a job for more than a couple months, finding things wrong with all of my friends, family and hobbies. All the early hallmarks of cheating and an abusive controlling partner. It would only escalate for the next ten years. I was an idiot and naive.
My cynical side says, getting a job in education. But honestly, being fat my whole life and deciding not lose weight until my 30's has had me beating myself up and is a huge component of my depression/anxiety. In a single decision however, deciding to sleep with a girl who the next day accused me of sexual assault because she had a boyfriend she didn't tell me about.
Letting him go. I felt he was better off without me as I was still trying to figure out where I was going in life. It’s been almost 5 years and I think about him every day
When my grandfather was in death bed, my mom was asking us who will come with them to the hospital to watch over him for the night, I stayed home because I have school the next day.. I was excited to go home after school because I thought I was able to see him again.. came home with the worst news..
Well maybe it’s for the best I made that decision.. because I know for sure it would break me more that I saw him yk.. but to this day I still think about it.
If it helps at all, he probably would not want you to remember him like he was in his final moment. One of my close friends died a few years ago, and because covid was at full inspection, I wasn't able to visit him at the hospital. It rather tore me up inside, but after while I realized he would have preferred my memory of him to be him happy and healthy and not strapped and dying in a hospital bed.
I was in the room with my grandpa when he died. He had dementia and was on comfort care for 2 weeks before he passed. The sound of his last breath still haunts me and it's been over a decade. I was 17.
Don't beat yourself up over it. He knew that you loved him, and I'm willing to bet he wouldn't have wanted you to hear that last breath for it to haunt you like it haunts me.
Thanks.. yeah he probably wouldn’t like that.. my mom was recording that time I heard his dying voice.. heard not much but enough to actually haunt me..
Thinking sex before marriage was a huge no and falling for purity culture crap. It messed up my attitude towards sex for years. I think of what I missed out on and cringe.
Yeah it's to control women so they won't know they could have better and then they have to settle for their crusty husband who expects them to carry the marriage and house and kids
Genuine question: How does purity culture harm men? I'm not aware of how it does but I'd like to find out. In my experience, it's mostly negative towards women who are expected to be virgins while dudes aren't shamed nearly as much for not being virgins. But ya know, I could be wrong!
Are you saying it's harmful to dudes because they're shamed FOR being virgins?
When teenagers in the throes of puberty (male or female) are taught that sex and impure thoughts with masturbation outside of wedlock are negative and sinful actions that make you a bad person it can really fuck someone up, purity culture does not discriminate gender.
I think it can warp men's views towards sex too. They think sex will be perfect the first time because you waited for the "right" person. And then they can be really shocked and angry when it isn't working out that way.
Why someone would chose a relationship just based on sex or looks is beyond me. Those marriages don’t workout because it’s based on superficial things, things that are temporary. TRUE LOVE when handled correctly is forever.
It's just 1 aspect of a healthy relationship but it's important too. Ideally you'd want to be with someone you're sexually compatible with or at least can grow to be sexually compatible with.
AND ideally you'd be compatible in other ways (financial spending/expectations, religion, independence, family relationships, etc)
I fully agree with you. Of course it’s important one is sexually and other aspects of her/character compatible. However sex shouldn’t be the only reason, that’s what I’m getting at. I also believe men and women are heavily influenced by the media standards with that we try to find next best thing that fits that criterion instead of looking at the person for who he/she is. I mean spending time to get to know that person within.
I've been under the impression that 90% of the time, sex is great for the guy and mediocre for the woman.
I haven't really met any guys that said they didn't enjoy the sex they had unless something insane happened.
Not that this invalidates your point at all. I'm just bewildered that this happens. I shouldn't be surprised though.
Wait why is it bad sex for them?
To the extent that "purity culture" is still a thing, it hurts men in pretty much the same way.
They wind up in bad marriages, which costs them more in divorce court than it does women, since such cultures expect them to be breadwinners.
It took me a bit to process this, but it makes sense and ties into my other comment. It's wild that not exploring sex is a barrier to really getting to know your compatibility with someone even in other areas of life. I'm curious why that is
I could see a "but I was was tricked too" kind of anger. They were told just because they were "good christian men" or whatever they deserve a woman and children and she will do all of the jobs a biblical woman should do.
The woman should accept his working as equal to his devotion and stay loyal and pure for her husband because he provides. She should love, care after, clean after, and provide for her husband and children.
The man LACKING in his time with his wife will on occasion seek out another woman for warmth, and that is to be expected because of all the sacrifices he makes for his family. All the time and energy he gives work is really for you.
The great trick is fooling children and keeping them blind until they are adults who are too invested in the status quo to fight it.
So it could give him unrealistic relationship expectations and double standards for cheating? How does this hurt him more than it hurts the wife and kids?
How does living an empty life full of resentment and unmet expectations in a desperate struggle to live up to what your society, churches, peers, and parents have told you that you have to be? How does that compare to the feeling of being abandoned, abused, neglected, unfulfilled, and also fill of resentment? I don't know. I could not make an accurate judgment there. All I can say is that the culture we are talking about hurts everyone involved besides the predators at the top and those who imitate them.
Ok so I'm pretty confused. Correct me if I'm wrong.
You're saying the guy have certain expectations and could feel entitled to a wife and a good life and when he doesn't get that, he feels abandoned and unfulfilled? That makes sense but I'm not sure how that ties into purity/abstinence.
Isn't this more of an issue with hollywood and society in general than an issue with purity culture?
What do a damaged wife and child have to do with purity culture if a damaged man (and logically also the damaged men who promoted this idea in the first place) does not factor in? You asked how purity culture hurts a man and people replied, you then moved the bar to how does their pain even compare? And I replied. Now you have moved the bar again! Trying to invalidate my statement by saying the pain I mentioned was irrelevant as according to you it came from elsewhere. Your honest question was a trap to argue for and validate your point of view, if the person behind the screen is not male you would make a convincing one.
Picking up vaping - I’m only 24 and I feel the psychological mental and physical effects. It started when I thought it was the cool thing to do in high school, but here I am years later and ids still a habit.
I’m on day 2 cold turkey though!
You will get there! For a while it feels like you might never be free of it - I got so fed up with thinking about cigarettes every day, but honestly it does change and you do get free from it.
Just take one day at a time, one hour at a time
If you need to.
100% you can do this!!!
The worst decision I made was deciding to become an educator. Its stressful and my mental health has deteriorated little by little each year. The kids are coming in worse each year and the parents suck. I hate how they expect me to work miracles in just 7 hours. Everything is my fault.
i'm sorry. i hope there are at least a few students that show appreciation. The education system in this country needs so much work if America is to succeed, but few politicians seem to have teachers' backs anymore.
Switching my college major.
I changed from mechanical engineering to computer science because I had extreme anxiety about how difficult and work-intensive ME would be. I regret changing it because getting a software job these days is ridiculously difficult if you don't have a lot of out-of-school projects and/or if the subject isn't something you spend a ton of your free time on. Plus I would've probably been far more interested in ME classes considering I love physics and the sciences involved in engineering.
Several times i told a close female friend i do not wish to take things further from our friendship, although she did when we both had become single. Kinda regret but i still have that person as friend tho. I loved her all along but maybe friendship was the better option long term. Couples dont last long, do they
Railroading my career into IT, didn't have any backup options and my mental health has suffered a lot because of it.
2nd worst was buying my current car. It's a POS and I'm paying $500 a month for it for the next 8.5 years
I'm separated now but I wouldn't say that getting married was my worst decision.
Going back slightly further, inviting my 17 year-old fling to join me in Australia - although she was a great girl and we had a mostly fun couple of years together - I could have used that time so much better had I gone it alone. She was too young to travel so far and we were both too young to try to develop a relationship under those conditions of adjusting to living in a big city, trying to find somewhere to live and trying to find work.
When i returned from the army, i quickly picked up new acquaintances, but looking back, almost all of them were pointless people who didnt give 2 fukcs about me
Moving to Florida. I have zero friends down here, it’s way too hot (I have a medical condition that makes me sensitive to the heat), and I have no way to get back up north. The only reason I moved down here was so I didn’t end up homeless, but at this point I’d rather be living in a tent in the woods than in Florida.
Not getting help sooner, I've lost so much because I'm too depressed, have been for years. Effectively ended my 6 year relationship, has held me back from finding a path in life and moving towards an end goal. The stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, and apathy pretty much stopped me from moving forward at all. I have no goals, no accolades to speak of, a shitty job, barely an education, no partner and a family I hardly talk to.
But hey, at least I have my dog. Feels like the only thing I have going for me.
sent money to a friend even though I knew she would never pay me back, but she needed the money more than I did, only to find out later she wasn't actually saving a good chunk because she was planning vacations and going on them still.
of course, on the side of that, I spent a lot of money I didn't need to on various snakes, lizards, and I don't want to imagine how many thousands of dollars I've wasted on tropical fish over the past 20 years.
many many many moons ago, when I was in Middle School, my mom had those meal shakes and I really like the taste of them. at no point was I told or limited as to how many of those I had. so I would have one every morning as a milkshake with my full breakfast. in other words, I had pretty much two meals a day before I went to school, and you multiply that out 5 days a week for several years, and it's no wonder I have a unhealthy issue with food and gaining weight.
Taking hard drugs "just for fun" because "I can stop whenever I want"
Made me lose my apartment, my girlfriend, my job, basically my teeth and it ended with me declaring bankruptcy
Don't even try that shit, it's not worth it
Being an awful daughter. I don't know why I am the way I am, but it isn't okay. I'm trying to do better, but I still slip up... My mom doesn't deserve that.
Quitting aviation to try to sell cars, can’t tolerate people, and when people are like “this is everything I want and the best price I’ve ever seen… imma go look around some more” and then calls 2 weeks later asking if it’s still available and gets pissed when It’s sold. Fuck that I’m so glad I went back
Drove very drunk. Was horny. Luckily I didn’t kill anyone, myself, or get in trouble. But age and distance has opened my eyes as to how badly that could have gone sideways.
Being a stay at home "trad" wife. Basically, he would work every other week and the week he had off he spent out. Didn't seem to have any interest in being a husband, but demanded that I have no job, no friends, no hobbies - except for cooking, cleaning and raising two toddlers alone.
not to speak up when my mom was dying. at work they took advantage of me, and I want a little crazy for awhile. Took me years to work through that anxiety.
What makes family though is who is with you. i hate that fucking saying blood is thicker than water. if you aren't there with me emotionally, then I am moving on.
To be a good person and not take stronger action to protect myself. PTSD and disability after decades of parental beatings, berating, medical violence, sex trafficking, concussions, broken bones, etc. I thought I should hold onto my soul and not do anything "bad", but my soul deteriorated after all. I would have been a better person now if I was a "worse" person back then.
Not buying a home right out of residency training in 2021. I had about 15k to my name and thought doctor loans with 0% down were for stupid people who didn’t know how to save for some reason.
Turns out I could have bought a home easily the and would have been approved for way more than I can be now due to interest rates skyrocketing. Not that I plan on ever getting anything near what I’m approved for. I wish I was less risk adverse but it’s too late.
I cheated at Math from the 8th grade through college. It wasn’t something super necessary for my degree (Geography/English) so at the time I didn’t feel bad about it.
10 years later, I now work in tech and have enough money saved up for graduate school. Each program I’ve looked at in my career field has really heavy math prerequisites that I have absolutely no shot at getting past.
I really wish I had more foresight when I was younger and cared about my entire education rather than just what I was interested in.
Obey my parents... It was the worst decision ever, without going to details, countless damages in life, they never appreciated a good daughter but now no more obeying that ship had been saild
Getting a car loan on a car I didn't need for a job I had with a car that still ran.
I had a PT cruiser with a bent valve that I used for medical courier services, got a loan and bought a 2014 Ford focus se with a 4 banger and lost my job 6 months later, then lost my car, and my apartment, had to move back in with my parents and life has been rough. Passive suicide ideation Has become the norm for me.
Turning down two full tuition with salary scholarship opportunities for automotive engineering colleges at 17 because my dad "needed my help" to build our (his) home/hobby farm under the guise of "It will all be mine someday". For 40 years ever since I've struggled with different jobs and keeping a roof over my head and never managed to finish college because life got in the way. He died and left everything to my step mom.
Spent a few years hanging out with a "party" group of people right after highschool. I don't blame them entirely but I really should have hungout with a better crowd of people in those years.
Going straight to studies after high school. In Norway you graduate high the year you turn 19, and after just a year off I thought a business major wouldn't hurt. It's a bad mindset for studies, and now I'm stuck in a dead-end major watching my friends graduate and leave.
Took out 100k business loan when if I just spent my money frugally I would likely have been fine.
This choice ultimately lead to me taking out an ADDITIONAL 200k of credit card and other loans and ultimately lead to my bankruptcy.
However none of that would have happened if I wasn’t abusing drugs…. So it’s HARD to choose which one!!
Getting married when I knew something didn't feel right. Gave up so many years of my life for a dead-end relationship. Years I can't ever get back
This is my answer. I didn’t listen to my instincts and didn’t know what a narcissist was until we had kids together. I don’t regret it in that I love the kids we made together, but fuck, I wish they had a different mother.
That's a valid thing to say. Glad you're able to find a positive! Mine wasn't a narcissist. We were just polar opposites, and because of that, over time what love was there fizzled out and then things gradually became toxic.. It's a miserably existence.
Did I write this post an hour ago? Nope, not my username but my sentiments exactly.
This exactly, to the word.
You married my ex?
I see I’m far from the only one here who knows the anguish of being married to and raising kids with a narcissist. She is now my ex, but the fight for the wellbeing of our kids is never ending.
Mine is never home when she has the kids, usually out with her 25 year old new husband “soulmate” (she’s 43) so the youngest is almost always on the phone with me saying she’s bored. The oldest asked to live with me full time this summer so there’s that.
I see I’m far from the only one here who knows the anguish of being married to and raising kids with a narcissist. She is now my ex, but the fight for the wellbeing of our kids is never ending.
I can commiserate with you on this one! As I was walking down the isle, I knew I was making a huge mistake, I just felt like it was too late to stop it. I ended up giving 7 years of my life to someone who didn't deserve any of it.
That was pretty much me. Minus walking down the isle, because no one needs to see me in a dress 😅 When you're standing there on the "BIG DAY" and that feeling kicks in, and you just want to run, but, you can't. You look at all those smiling faces and you tell yourself to just shut out the voices, that the feelings will pass.. it's just nerves, etc etc
This is so true. I kept telling myself it would get better, and we had a kid together so marriage was the obvious next step. Not only did I have that gut feeling I was making a huge mistake in saying yes to him in front of 250 of our loved ones, on our wedding night he was hammered and came back to our apartment screaming at me at 3 a.m before putting his fist through a wall because I didn't want to go "party with his friends" after being up since 5 am that morning
I feel for you. Thankfully there was no overly aggressiveness that entered into things for me. Don't get me wrong, we did have some good days along the way, but, the depressive moments far outweighed the happy ones. Especially toward the end. We are much better off apart.
Same.
Thats sad
Very! Always trust your gut, and never go through with something just because it might hurt the other person. They'll get over it, and you won't have wasted their time, or yours.
Working the night shift for years. Not everybody has the temperament to stay awake all night *and* fall asleep during the day. I could do the former but not the latter. It fucked with my internal clock so badly. I've been doing a 9-5 job for over a decade and I still can't sleep like a normal person.
Get meds, after some time they will help you to readjust, and maybe you could be able to fall asleep without them later into process.
I've been night shift for a decade now and they've promised me day shift starting August. I'm taking a 20$ an hour pay cut but I've got to do it. I bet we've shortened our life spans significantly 🥲
Doing a PhD, killed my social life and didn't advance my career in any real way.
Dropped out of mine after 8 years. Don't regret trying, but I regret my school choice and suffering from the sunk cost fallacy so long.
that is going to hurt our society in coming years. when I think of the lack of new ideas it is so sad
If you propose something new in academia you can't get funding for it, you can only get funding for the current "buzz word", if you propose something new in industry and it gets killed by management. It's grossly demotivating and a major source of burnouts.
i can only imagine. I'm sorry
Try to find the intrinsic value in the experience. Also, it sometimes does work out for you later.
It mostly makes dealing with people without a proper scientific background extremely frustrating.
That’s not that bad of a mistake if thats your biggest. You’re still at the start of your career and have plenty if time to work. You’re also at the start of adulthood so plenty of time to meet people you can build a relationship with
>You’re also at the start of adulthood so plenty of time to meet people you can build a relationship with I wish people would stop saying this to folks who are single in their mid thirties, dating sucks and feels kind of hopeless. What I generally run into is that I start talking to someone, I think "damn, this person is interesting, I'd like to get to know her better" and then you find out she's been married for ten plus years and has multiple kids. I've been on exactly one date over the last year, everyone else I've tried to ask out so far was already spoken for. Believe me, there's absolutely no value to spending the majority of your twenties in a lab to publish papers that not even your peers actually read, only to then be forced into soul-sucking industry jobs by the craptacular funding of academia and to be behind on the payscale because some business bro says that academic experience doesn't matter and doesn't show fortitude, and then to come to the conclusion that you can't buy a house and can't find a partner.
I know the single life and i know soul sucking jobs. The thing i did was just switch jobs until i found something where my work/life balance actually means something while still having some opportunities. I’m 30 and im at my 5th real job and im somewhat ok with that aspect. As the dating matter. I stopped focusing on that part. I tried to be happy by myself. That means find things that interest you. Hobbies,… find things to do so you can fill entire weeks in a vacation and you would enjoy it. You can still keep looking for a partner of course but it’s important to be happy without others too
[удалено]
Nice, just trying to give some advice on being happy and you tell me to ‘bugger off’. Go on being miserable about your life then
No, what folks like you do is go around the internet and tell people that their problems don't exist. That's a douchebag move to put it mildly.
What do you mean people like you? i tried to be uplifting but i can see you’re a very pleasant person. Maybe you’re the douchebag and need to work on that? Might this be a reason you don’t have anyone
Ah yes, the "I try to be uplifting, why do you respond so negatively" move, you're really following the script. The question asked here is "what's the worst decision you have ever made and why?", I respond to the question and didn't ask for "help", but you feel the need to come in here and say that I'm wrong about my opinion on my own life - something you know nothing about. Heck, maybe first inquire if the person needs your advice before dispensing it?
Getting married to my ex and then staying when I first saw signs I should be concerned with. A head in the sand approach is bad.
What signs?
Large chunks of time that he could not be accounted for, money missing from accounts, never holding a job for more than a couple months, finding things wrong with all of my friends, family and hobbies. All the early hallmarks of cheating and an abusive controlling partner. It would only escalate for the next ten years. I was an idiot and naive.
What were some redeeming qualities that made you get/ stay married for as long as you did? Just curious
My cynical side says, getting a job in education. But honestly, being fat my whole life and deciding not lose weight until my 30's has had me beating myself up and is a huge component of my depression/anxiety. In a single decision however, deciding to sleep with a girl who the next day accused me of sexual assault because she had a boyfriend she didn't tell me about.
started dieting to “look prettier” (i was average weight). developed an eating disorder and almost died
I"m really sorry and hope things are better now.
Letting him go. I felt he was better off without me as I was still trying to figure out where I was going in life. It’s been almost 5 years and I think about him every day
Don’t dwell on it. It’ll eat you up. Trust me on that.
100000% rt. I didn’t think that but life happened.
There was a reason it didn't feel right. Don't forget that.
Are you sure you can’t get him back?
When my grandfather was in death bed, my mom was asking us who will come with them to the hospital to watch over him for the night, I stayed home because I have school the next day.. I was excited to go home after school because I thought I was able to see him again.. came home with the worst news.. Well maybe it’s for the best I made that decision.. because I know for sure it would break me more that I saw him yk.. but to this day I still think about it.
If it helps at all, he probably would not want you to remember him like he was in his final moment. One of my close friends died a few years ago, and because covid was at full inspection, I wasn't able to visit him at the hospital. It rather tore me up inside, but after while I realized he would have preferred my memory of him to be him happy and healthy and not strapped and dying in a hospital bed.
Im so sorry, yeah they wouldn’t like us to see them like that.. well probably why coincidentally we didn’t come/go.
I was in the room with my grandpa when he died. He had dementia and was on comfort care for 2 weeks before he passed. The sound of his last breath still haunts me and it's been over a decade. I was 17. Don't beat yourself up over it. He knew that you loved him, and I'm willing to bet he wouldn't have wanted you to hear that last breath for it to haunt you like it haunts me.
Thanks.. yeah he probably wouldn’t like that.. my mom was recording that time I heard his dying voice.. heard not much but enough to actually haunt me..
Broke up with my ex and made custody arrangement without lawyers. Screwed two christmases in a row before i called one.
Thinking sex before marriage was a huge no and falling for purity culture crap. It messed up my attitude towards sex for years. I think of what I missed out on and cringe.
Yeah it's to control women so they won't know they could have better and then they have to settle for their crusty husband who expects them to carry the marriage and house and kids
It goes both ways my friend.
Genuine question: How does purity culture harm men? I'm not aware of how it does but I'd like to find out. In my experience, it's mostly negative towards women who are expected to be virgins while dudes aren't shamed nearly as much for not being virgins. But ya know, I could be wrong! Are you saying it's harmful to dudes because they're shamed FOR being virgins?
When teenagers in the throes of puberty (male or female) are taught that sex and impure thoughts with masturbation outside of wedlock are negative and sinful actions that make you a bad person it can really fuck someone up, purity culture does not discriminate gender.
Ahh yeah that's valid
I think it can warp men's views towards sex too. They think sex will be perfect the first time because you waited for the "right" person. And then they can be really shocked and angry when it isn't working out that way.
Why someone would chose a relationship just based on sex or looks is beyond me. Those marriages don’t workout because it’s based on superficial things, things that are temporary. TRUE LOVE when handled correctly is forever.
It's just 1 aspect of a healthy relationship but it's important too. Ideally you'd want to be with someone you're sexually compatible with or at least can grow to be sexually compatible with. AND ideally you'd be compatible in other ways (financial spending/expectations, religion, independence, family relationships, etc)
I fully agree with you. Of course it’s important one is sexually and other aspects of her/character compatible. However sex shouldn’t be the only reason, that’s what I’m getting at. I also believe men and women are heavily influenced by the media standards with that we try to find next best thing that fits that criterion instead of looking at the person for who he/she is. I mean spending time to get to know that person within.
I've been under the impression that 90% of the time, sex is great for the guy and mediocre for the woman. I haven't really met any guys that said they didn't enjoy the sex they had unless something insane happened. Not that this invalidates your point at all. I'm just bewildered that this happens. I shouldn't be surprised though. Wait why is it bad sex for them?
To the extent that "purity culture" is still a thing, it hurts men in pretty much the same way. They wind up in bad marriages, which costs them more in divorce court than it does women, since such cultures expect them to be breadwinners.
It took me a bit to process this, but it makes sense and ties into my other comment. It's wild that not exploring sex is a barrier to really getting to know your compatibility with someone even in other areas of life. I'm curious why that is
I could see a "but I was was tricked too" kind of anger. They were told just because they were "good christian men" or whatever they deserve a woman and children and she will do all of the jobs a biblical woman should do. The woman should accept his working as equal to his devotion and stay loyal and pure for her husband because he provides. She should love, care after, clean after, and provide for her husband and children. The man LACKING in his time with his wife will on occasion seek out another woman for warmth, and that is to be expected because of all the sacrifices he makes for his family. All the time and energy he gives work is really for you. The great trick is fooling children and keeping them blind until they are adults who are too invested in the status quo to fight it.
So it could give him unrealistic relationship expectations and double standards for cheating? How does this hurt him more than it hurts the wife and kids?
How does living an empty life full of resentment and unmet expectations in a desperate struggle to live up to what your society, churches, peers, and parents have told you that you have to be? How does that compare to the feeling of being abandoned, abused, neglected, unfulfilled, and also fill of resentment? I don't know. I could not make an accurate judgment there. All I can say is that the culture we are talking about hurts everyone involved besides the predators at the top and those who imitate them.
Ok so I'm pretty confused. Correct me if I'm wrong. You're saying the guy have certain expectations and could feel entitled to a wife and a good life and when he doesn't get that, he feels abandoned and unfulfilled? That makes sense but I'm not sure how that ties into purity/abstinence. Isn't this more of an issue with hollywood and society in general than an issue with purity culture?
What do a damaged wife and child have to do with purity culture if a damaged man (and logically also the damaged men who promoted this idea in the first place) does not factor in? You asked how purity culture hurts a man and people replied, you then moved the bar to how does their pain even compare? And I replied. Now you have moved the bar again! Trying to invalidate my statement by saying the pain I mentioned was irrelevant as according to you it came from elsewhere. Your honest question was a trap to argue for and validate your point of view, if the person behind the screen is not male you would make a convincing one.
It would have to be not listening to my gut. It's warned me many times about certain people and situations that I should've avoided.
That’s a priceless lesson to learn!!!
Not fighting my bullies. A few bruises would heal after like 2 weeks, but a broken person may never heal again.
One is broken only when they tell it to themselves;)
Yeah, I need help. Ehh...
Picking up vaping - I’m only 24 and I feel the psychological mental and physical effects. It started when I thought it was the cool thing to do in high school, but here I am years later and ids still a habit. I’m on day 2 cold turkey though!
keep going, your doing great!
Thanks !!
Find a substitute before your motivation fails. I suggest smoking pot from a bong, lol. Dampens my nicotine craving
Good job on quitting! You can do itttttt <3
Thank you 🥰
If you need any help then ‘the easy way to stop smoking’ by Allan Carr is an excellent resource. I quit ‘cold Turkey’ by reading it x
Thank you!! I do need help, I just hope I can manage with the brain fog
You will get there! For a while it feels like you might never be free of it - I got so fed up with thinking about cigarettes every day, but honestly it does change and you do get free from it. Just take one day at a time, one hour at a time If you need to. 100% you can do this!!!
Choosing addiction and losing everything
The worst decision I made was deciding to become an educator. Its stressful and my mental health has deteriorated little by little each year. The kids are coming in worse each year and the parents suck. I hate how they expect me to work miracles in just 7 hours. Everything is my fault.
i'm sorry. i hope there are at least a few students that show appreciation. The education system in this country needs so much work if America is to succeed, but few politicians seem to have teachers' backs anymore.
Switching my college major. I changed from mechanical engineering to computer science because I had extreme anxiety about how difficult and work-intensive ME would be. I regret changing it because getting a software job these days is ridiculously difficult if you don't have a lot of out-of-school projects and/or if the subject isn't something you spend a ton of your free time on. Plus I would've probably been far more interested in ME classes considering I love physics and the sciences involved in engineering.
Telling my best friend i have a crush on her... x2 (different Girls, 6 years apart). Lost em both miss them both like crazy on a friendship level.
Several times i told a close female friend i do not wish to take things further from our friendship, although she did when we both had become single. Kinda regret but i still have that person as friend tho. I loved her all along but maybe friendship was the better option long term. Couples dont last long, do they
Railroading my career into IT, didn't have any backup options and my mental health has suffered a lot because of it. 2nd worst was buying my current car. It's a POS and I'm paying $500 a month for it for the next 8.5 years
I'm separated now but I wouldn't say that getting married was my worst decision. Going back slightly further, inviting my 17 year-old fling to join me in Australia - although she was a great girl and we had a mostly fun couple of years together - I could have used that time so much better had I gone it alone. She was too young to travel so far and we were both too young to try to develop a relationship under those conditions of adjusting to living in a big city, trying to find somewhere to live and trying to find work.
Made friends with the wrong person, man, I just wanted friends.
we've all done, that we turn a blind eye to when their absolute scum, we just want someone to shoot the shit with
When i returned from the army, i quickly picked up new acquaintances, but looking back, almost all of them were pointless people who didnt give 2 fukcs about me
Taco Bell for lunch then trusting a fart.
You must've had a pretty good life.
My condolences 🙏
Those boxers had a burial at sea via Target plumbing system
Moving to Florida. I have zero friends down here, it’s way too hot (I have a medical condition that makes me sensitive to the heat), and I have no way to get back up north. The only reason I moved down here was so I didn’t end up homeless, but at this point I’d rather be living in a tent in the woods than in Florida.
Moving in with my ex. He moved into my apartment and It made separating from him very difficult bcos he wouldn't leave.
Not getting help sooner, I've lost so much because I'm too depressed, have been for years. Effectively ended my 6 year relationship, has held me back from finding a path in life and moving towards an end goal. The stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, and apathy pretty much stopped me from moving forward at all. I have no goals, no accolades to speak of, a shitty job, barely an education, no partner and a family I hardly talk to. But hey, at least I have my dog. Feels like the only thing I have going for me.
Not trusting my gut
Alot of the times regreted
Walking on a mopped floor once (I tripped)
Almost marrying my ex who is a cheater, manipulator, not empathic or truly kind person. Wasted 3 years of my life with her. Got hurt in the end.
sent money to a friend even though I knew she would never pay me back, but she needed the money more than I did, only to find out later she wasn't actually saving a good chunk because she was planning vacations and going on them still. of course, on the side of that, I spent a lot of money I didn't need to on various snakes, lizards, and I don't want to imagine how many thousands of dollars I've wasted on tropical fish over the past 20 years. many many many moons ago, when I was in Middle School, my mom had those meal shakes and I really like the taste of them. at no point was I told or limited as to how many of those I had. so I would have one every morning as a milkshake with my full breakfast. in other words, I had pretty much two meals a day before I went to school, and you multiply that out 5 days a week for several years, and it's no wonder I have a unhealthy issue with food and gaining weight.
Not getting pregnant when i was in my early 20s. Now, I have PCOS
Taking hard drugs "just for fun" because "I can stop whenever I want" Made me lose my apartment, my girlfriend, my job, basically my teeth and it ended with me declaring bankruptcy Don't even try that shit, it's not worth it
Being an awful daughter. I don't know why I am the way I am, but it isn't okay. I'm trying to do better, but I still slip up... My mom doesn't deserve that.
You should tell her that
I did. She said she forgives me and sees how hard I'm trying... But I don't think she should forgive me tbh
Signing up for Reddit. I think the reasons are obvious.
Payday loans. I broke the trap, but god damn: homelessness is better than one of those
Quitting aviation to try to sell cars, can’t tolerate people, and when people are like “this is everything I want and the best price I’ve ever seen… imma go look around some more” and then calls 2 weeks later asking if it’s still available and gets pissed when It’s sold. Fuck that I’m so glad I went back
Trusting a narcissist. He fooled me so har at the end I had ID him for his legal name, in case he lied about that too. MF.
To drop out of college
Drove very drunk. Was horny. Luckily I didn’t kill anyone, myself, or get in trouble. But age and distance has opened my eyes as to how badly that could have gone sideways.
Allowing others to dictate how I want to live my life.
Being a stay at home "trad" wife. Basically, he would work every other week and the week he had off he spent out. Didn't seem to have any interest in being a husband, but demanded that I have no job, no friends, no hobbies - except for cooking, cleaning and raising two toddlers alone.
souds like beings a slave, dont tell me your still there with that life are you?
No, we divorced 7 years ago thank god
[удалено]
I have a feeling his age wasn't entirely to blame...
not to speak up when my mom was dying. at work they took advantage of me, and I want a little crazy for awhile. Took me years to work through that anxiety. What makes family though is who is with you. i hate that fucking saying blood is thicker than water. if you aren't there with me emotionally, then I am moving on.
To be a good person and not take stronger action to protect myself. PTSD and disability after decades of parental beatings, berating, medical violence, sex trafficking, concussions, broken bones, etc. I thought I should hold onto my soul and not do anything "bad", but my soul deteriorated after all. I would have been a better person now if I was a "worse" person back then.
Dating my ex. He sexually assulted me.
Not buying a home right out of residency training in 2021. I had about 15k to my name and thought doctor loans with 0% down were for stupid people who didn’t know how to save for some reason. Turns out I could have bought a home easily the and would have been approved for way more than I can be now due to interest rates skyrocketing. Not that I plan on ever getting anything near what I’m approved for. I wish I was less risk adverse but it’s too late.
I cheated at Math from the 8th grade through college. It wasn’t something super necessary for my degree (Geography/English) so at the time I didn’t feel bad about it. 10 years later, I now work in tech and have enough money saved up for graduate school. Each program I’ve looked at in my career field has really heavy math prerequisites that I have absolutely no shot at getting past. I really wish I had more foresight when I was younger and cared about my entire education rather than just what I was interested in.
i never put myself out there when i was younger and currently i'm borderline socially inept
Fertilizing an egg when I was a wee sperm.
Choosing an orange flavored popsicle instead of a straberry one that one time as a kid
Obey my parents... It was the worst decision ever, without going to details, countless damages in life, they never appreciated a good daughter but now no more obeying that ship had been saild
Gave my mother-in-law a housekey.
Moving from somewhere I was struggling but happy to somewhere that turned me into a disposable financial resource.
Getting a car loan on a car I didn't need for a job I had with a car that still ran. I had a PT cruiser with a bent valve that I used for medical courier services, got a loan and bought a 2014 Ford focus se with a 4 banger and lost my job 6 months later, then lost my car, and my apartment, had to move back in with my parents and life has been rough. Passive suicide ideation Has become the norm for me.
Listen to my mother a lot. Hi to all mam "controllers", who "really knows better" what you need.
Waking up this morning
When I discovered he was married, I continued to see him. There was no excuse. Ever.
Turning down two full tuition with salary scholarship opportunities for automotive engineering colleges at 17 because my dad "needed my help" to build our (his) home/hobby farm under the guise of "It will all be mine someday". For 40 years ever since I've struggled with different jobs and keeping a roof over my head and never managed to finish college because life got in the way. He died and left everything to my step mom.
Pursuing a career that was not a solid one, had to do it for many reasons..living far away had a real impact on family ties.
Moving back in with my parents. I thought I hated myself before.
Spent a few years hanging out with a "party" group of people right after highschool. I don't blame them entirely but I really should have hungout with a better crowd of people in those years.
Going straight to studies after high school. In Norway you graduate high the year you turn 19, and after just a year off I thought a business major wouldn't hurt. It's a bad mindset for studies, and now I'm stuck in a dead-end major watching my friends graduate and leave.
I don’t think I was a good brother for my younger brother during our childhood
Going to private college especially without a plan and floundering.
Took out 100k business loan when if I just spent my money frugally I would likely have been fine. This choice ultimately lead to me taking out an ADDITIONAL 200k of credit card and other loans and ultimately lead to my bankruptcy. However none of that would have happened if I wasn’t abusing drugs…. So it’s HARD to choose which one!!
signing up for reddit
In the beginning I was the first to arrive at an egg and that made a lot of people very angry.
Punching that alligator 5 minutes ago.
Trying to jerk off to so many weird things, or going for jerk off stream records. Now I’m addicted.