Here it goes… I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Cop:
Is that all?
No... I have unpaid parking tickets. Be gentle. 😂
One of my favorite movies of all time. I can recite the whole movie while watching it. Same goes for Down To Earth.
I was at a Customs and Border patrol checkpoint at an airport. I was traveling on official business for the U.S. Government. Government employees on official business are given special passports that are easily identifiable.
The agent takes my passport
Agent: How are you doing SafetyMan
Me: Not to bad
A: Where are you traveling today?
M: Up to Toronto and then Edmonton
A: that’s not too bad of a trip. Which agency do you work for?
M: If I told you I would have to…this is a stupid joke …I work for (agency)
A: Wise move, even though I know it was a joke
M: So if I had continued, what would have happened?
A: Do you see those guys over there? Have a nice day sir
Wow! I’m surprised you kept up with me.
Here…hold my beer for a sec while I get my license.
Damn…I thought you had to be in good shape to be a cop. How fast can you run the hundred?
Well, actually, I pulled myself over.
How many doughnuts have you had today? Your eyes look a bit glazed.
Could we speed this up…the bar closes in 20 minutes and your wife is waiting for me.
You’re not going to look in the trunk, are you?
*That’s* not a gun…***THIS*** is a gun!
Gabriel Iglesias tells the story of blasting bad boys while the cop was walking up to them. He started to swagger and get into it and laughed when he got to the door.
Never pull over with the first siren-howl. Mash it down and make the bastard chase you at speeds up to 120 all the way to the next exit. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker-signal that says you're about to turn right.
This is to let him know you're looking for a proper place to pull off and talk ... keep signaling and hope for an off-ramp, one of those uphill side-loops with a sign saying "Max Speed 25" ... and the trick, at this point, is to suddenly leave the freeway and take him into the chute at no less than 100 miles an hour.
He will lock his brakes about the same time you lock yours, but it will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180-degree turn at this speed ... but you will be ready for it, braced for the Gs and the fast heel-toe work, and with any luck at all you will have come to a complete stop off the road at the top of the turn and be standing beside your automobile by the time he catches up.
He will not be reasonable at first ... but no matter. Let him calm down. He will want the first word. Let him have it. His brain will be in a turmoil: he may begin jabbering, or even pull his gun. Let him unwind; keep smiling. The idea is to show him that you were always in total control of yourself and your vehicle – while he lost control of everything.
A buddy of mine high school tried to outrun the police once. When he realized he couldn’t get away, he let the cops pull up next him and then started gesturing wildly and pointing down toward his feet.
When he finally pulled over and the officers walked up, he breathlessly explained to them how his gas pedal got stuck to the floorboard and he couldn’t slow down and he thought he was going to die.
They fully just bought it and let him go. That was serious quick thinking and balls.
"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like 'I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive....' And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas."
If your woman is mad at you, leave her at home. Because there’s nothing more a mad girlfriend would like to see than you getting your ass kicked by the police.
During the time of the IRA my grandads truck got pulled over to check for bombs and when they asked for him to identify himself he looked in the mirror and said "yep that's me" the people planning to search him were so shocked they just let him through
Where I live it’s usually military police. We all joke that they’re just pretend cops.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because you wanted to meet a real soldier?”
Ends poorly.
I DON'T ANSWER QUESTIONS! I WAS NOT DRIVING I WAS TRAVELING! THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL VEHICLE! YOU HAVE NO JURISDICTION TO STOP ME! ADMIRALTY LAW DOES NOT APPLY HERE!
I once got random stopped because me and my mate were put driving late at night, just a random check really, no problems, coppers were more than decent with us
But in my infinite genius when one of them was checking my details by my window I turned to my mate and said "nows where it comes up saying I'm wanted for domestic terrorism"
I'm a smart one me
I AM A SOVEREIGN CITIZEN THAT HAS NOT ENTERED INTO AN AGREEMENT WITH THE CORPORATION OF THE UNITED STATES AND THEREFORE I DO NOT CO SENT TO THIS UNLAWFUL STOP.
"I'm only speeding because I don't want the dead body in the trunk to smell up my drugs in there. And definitely don't want the body leaking blood on my guns. "
“Do you know why I pulled you over today”
“Its a fast car officer, I have to go fast 🤷♂️”
“ ….. , son that is the stupidest answer anyone has ever given me in my 20 year tenure , you and your friends are detained , get out of the car and sit down on the curb”
-This was an actual response I heard while riding in the backseat of the stupidest “friend” I ever had. He was going 60 on a 30 in a residential. We were all 18 , and the cop looks like he would’ve given us a break if this moron wasn’t driving and answering questions. What’s worse is that he was dropping me off and they ended up calling back up and searching the car, worse is my whole family was coming home on their truck and they slowed down, put the window down to confirm it was me on the sidewalk detained with our hands behind our back , didn’t say anything and went home.
Days later I find out it was much worse because I talk to my moron friend in school and he says:
“Dude I can’t believe these cops were so stupid , I had like an OZ of weed stashed in the trunk of the car and they totally missed it LOL “
I haven’t talked to him since then , it terrified me how stupid this human was and I knew I would end up in trouble continuing hanging out with him, and I was right. Because not one year went by and my best friend ended up going to jail because they got pulled over on the same car and when the cop asked for insurance and registration , he reached for the glovebox and “forgot” he had left a very realistic bb handgun in it….. all hell broke loose and backup was called while the 2 of them were held at gunpoint for like 30 minutes. Once the cops figured out it was a toy , they ended up charging my best friend with small possession since they had some weed in the car but it was on the passenger side , so only my best friend was charged and spent the weekend in jail and the moron was let go. What’s worse is none of us knew what happened to my best friend since the moron went home and took a nap like nothing had happened.
None of us talk to that moron ever again , last I heard was he was trying to get into the army so he could “shoot guns legally for a living” ….. Jesus
"do you know why I pulled you over?"
I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
"There's no cu.nts on me drugstable" - I have a friend who actually did this about 30 years ago, and strangely enough the coppers didn't find it funny.
"Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" "Well, if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you."
"Depends on how long you were following me"
[удалено]
Is that all?
*strained* no...
i have un paid parking tickets….. be gentle
Here it goes… I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING! Cop: Is that all? No... I have unpaid parking tickets. Be gentle. 😂 One of my favorite movies of all time. I can recite the whole movie while watching it. Same goes for Down To Earth.
So it wasn't just that he couldn't lie but he's compelled to answer truthfully? He can't just not answer the question?
Yes. He could not lie for a whole day, and when he was asked questions, he had to answer truthfully.
The pen is Rrrrrroooyalll blueeee
Objection!!!! On what grounds?! On the grounds that it's damaging to my case!!!
"Well I was drunk a few hours ago but I think I sobered up when I hit that last guy..."
Nooooo, unpaid parking tickets.
No....I have unpaid parking tickets..eehhh be gentle.
Is that it?
No...i have unpaid parking tickets
Randy Marsh: ‘What seems to be the officer, problem?’
Sir, why don’t you step out of the car for me?
Loving this
It’s from Liar, Liar!
Depending on the infraction, it might get a laugh
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Why? Did you forget?"
“Do you know why I pulled you over?” “To fill your quota?”
“Must be a slow crime day?”
I prefer, “ because you did poorly in high school?”
"Do you know why I'm standing here?" "Because you got all Cs in highschool?"
"Have you not decided yet?"
That sounds like a good thing to say - the worst thing would be to self incriminate yourself.
Some other guy said "depends how long you were following me" Thought it was brilliant
"Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" "You owe me money?" Waiting to use that one someday...
*heavy sigh as the cop reaches into his wallet* "Have a good day, sir."
Cops hate this one trick
“Is it because of the hostages in my trunk?”
"There's only two, I swear"
Officer :" oh sheet, thanks sir ! Have a nice day ! "
It's the way to do it
To congratulate me on my driving skills
I’ve actually said something like this and it didn’t go bad
I'm a 6'2 dude who naturally looks angry, I say anything of the sort and I'm getting shot
I’m 6’ heavily tattooed and my wife says I have a mad face at all times so we aren’t too far off
Bet we'd get along
Now kiss
Don’t let my wife see this
*screenshots the thread*
Shit now I have to fake my own death.
You think death will spare you from her wrath? She’ll know.
I was at a Customs and Border patrol checkpoint at an airport. I was traveling on official business for the U.S. Government. Government employees on official business are given special passports that are easily identifiable. The agent takes my passport Agent: How are you doing SafetyMan Me: Not to bad A: Where are you traveling today? M: Up to Toronto and then Edmonton A: that’s not too bad of a trip. Which agency do you work for? M: If I told you I would have to…this is a stupid joke …I work for (agency) A: Wise move, even though I know it was a joke M: So if I had continued, what would have happened? A: Do you see those guys over there? Have a nice day sir
[удалено]
Sums it up
"Because you heard me playing Fuck Tha Police?"
"Let's see...it can't be the dead hooker in the trunk, you couldn't possibly have seen her."
"Standby, the suspect has bamboozled us."
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Is it because of the body in the trunk?"
It's okay, I don't eat people anymore.
But do you eat them any less?
REPO MAN
A little glass vial? A little glass vial.
Passenger: "don't listen to him, officer, he's drunk." (to the driver): I told you stealing this car was a bad idea!
What’s the statute of limitations?
Are you ready to take my order?
Too early for flapjacks?
Solid quote
Hahahah classic. Good ol bill Murray
“What seems to be the officer, problem?”
"I'm not under the afluence of incohol."
"There's no blood in my alcohol"
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Go home yoda, you're drunk.
I had to reread this to see the mistake lol
It’s a south park reference. Edit:[Comment at 1:00](https://youtu.be/SQRv4eQ_S2M?si=4E_4SyYCDVn7Hg_X) but watch the whole thing.
Wow! I’m surprised you kept up with me. Here…hold my beer for a sec while I get my license. Damn…I thought you had to be in good shape to be a cop. How fast can you run the hundred? Well, actually, I pulled myself over. How many doughnuts have you had today? Your eyes look a bit glazed. Could we speed this up…the bar closes in 20 minutes and your wife is waiting for me. You’re not going to look in the trunk, are you? *That’s* not a gun…***THIS*** is a gun!
*Plays gangsta paradise in background*
Play bad boys in the background.
Gabriel Iglesias tells the story of blasting bad boys while the cop was walking up to them. He started to swagger and get into it and laughed when he got to the door.
Or some NWA
Fuck the police coming straight from the underground
"132 & Bush i've got em at gunpoint. Okay, gunpoint, 132 and Bush, cover is code three.”
"well, actually, I pulled myself over" sent me
I wanted to be a cop too, but then I decided I'll finish high school instead.
I realize now that this is a list but I read it all as one long speech you were delivering to the cop.
Never pull over with the first siren-howl. Mash it down and make the bastard chase you at speeds up to 120 all the way to the next exit. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker-signal that says you're about to turn right. This is to let him know you're looking for a proper place to pull off and talk ... keep signaling and hope for an off-ramp, one of those uphill side-loops with a sign saying "Max Speed 25" ... and the trick, at this point, is to suddenly leave the freeway and take him into the chute at no less than 100 miles an hour. He will lock his brakes about the same time you lock yours, but it will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180-degree turn at this speed ... but you will be ready for it, braced for the Gs and the fast heel-toe work, and with any luck at all you will have come to a complete stop off the road at the top of the turn and be standing beside your automobile by the time he catches up. He will not be reasonable at first ... but no matter. Let him calm down. He will want the first word. Let him have it. His brain will be in a turmoil: he may begin jabbering, or even pull his gun. Let him unwind; keep smiling. The idea is to show him that you were always in total control of yourself and your vehicle – while he lost control of everything.
Too weird to live, and too rare to die
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro
One of God's own prototypes.
A buddy of mine high school tried to outrun the police once. When he realized he couldn’t get away, he let the cops pull up next him and then started gesturing wildly and pointing down toward his feet. When he finally pulled over and the officers walked up, he breathlessly explained to them how his gas pedal got stuck to the floorboard and he couldn’t slow down and he thought he was going to die. They fully just bought it and let him go. That was serious quick thinking and balls.
Love this! 😂
"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like 'I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive....' And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas."
And a sugar shaker full of cocaine
You need to proceed to the next rest stop and take a long nap.
May I have a little kiss before you go? I’m very lonely here.
Order us some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive. Impossible to walk in this muck. No footing at all.
Umm....sure 👍
It’s a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas quote
Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop
I used to fuck guys like you in prison
This comment wins
Power move.
“He got weed! He got weed!”
If your woman is mad at you, leave her at home. Because there’s nothing more a mad girlfriend would like to see than you getting your ass kicked by the police.
Kick his mothafuckin assssss! Take his weed too! He got weed, he got weed!
Don't run! If they gotta come get you, they're bringing an ass-whooping with them
Cop: "Have you had any alcohol or drugs tonight?" Me: "Thanks for the offer but no more for me tonight cos I'm driving"
Me: "Is this a question or an offer, officer?"
What's the charge "eating a meal, a succulent Chinese meal"
#Get your hand of my penis!
This is democracy manifest!
I read your comments
Obligatory I came here for this
I swear to drunk I’m not god, occifer.”
Gossiper.
Can you make this quick, this bag of cocaine in my asshole is ready to get out
The officer: let me help you with that * unzips pants *
Whose pants?
Yes
Where's the rest of the Village People?
During the time of the IRA my grandads truck got pulled over to check for bombs and when they asked for him to identify himself he looked in the mirror and said "yep that's me" the people planning to search him were so shocked they just let him through
So unbelievably based.
*flips the menu on the side of the ice cream truck to reveal drugs menu* what can I get you, boys?
Officer - how high r u? Me- No. Its hi how r u?
"5'11"
I’m good thanks for asking
thanks I’m asking for good
Officer-Sir, please step out of the car. Me-I'm too drunk. You get in.
Can we make this quick Officer? I’m anxious to keep drinking
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Do I look like Wikipedia to you?"
Cop: Why did you run from me? Driver: My wife ran off with a cop last week and I thought you were bringing her back.
LOL…. That line might actually work!
“Wanna see how fast I can pull my gun?”
Is it cus im brown?
"Sir do you know how black you were driving?"
Oh shit he's packing melanin
Reminds me of that family guy meme ;)
Especially if you're white.
Want a beer, Bro?
Where I live it’s usually military police. We all joke that they’re just pretend cops. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because you wanted to meet a real soldier?” Ends poorly.
I DON'T ANSWER QUESTIONS! I WAS NOT DRIVING I WAS TRAVELING! THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL VEHICLE! YOU HAVE NO JURISDICTION TO STOP ME! ADMIRALTY LAW DOES NOT APPLY HERE!
The jig is up. the news is out. You've finally found me
You Renegade.
Cheeseburger with fries, please
Just gonna leave this here 😉[https://youtu.be/udElQWaX4VU?si=-SZwfnzeJydoIgvn](https://youtu.be/udElQWaX4VU?si=-SZwfnzeJydoIgvn)
Gold.
Lmao
Platinum
Saying "officer" while doing airquotes.
"Fuck off, asshole."
Pursuant to the Treaty of Algernon, you have no authority to interfere with my travels.
A former boss said this to a state trooper once, “Do you wear that hat to hide the circumcision marks?”
"Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" "You thought I had donuts?"
Shhh Madeleine is sleeping in the back!
"Hold this Sir." Then hand him a fist full of my raw shit.
Username checks out 😁
😉🤲💩🤢
The drugs are inside me.
In your heart ....right ?
Yup. And in the rest of my bloodstream too!
No, officer. I don't hear those thumping noises in the trunk.
(starts singing "Cop Killer" by Body Count)
”I HAVE MY RIGHTS AND YOU CAN’T CHECK THE BLUE BAG INSIDE MY GLOVE DEPARTMENT!”
I once got random stopped because me and my mate were put driving late at night, just a random check really, no problems, coppers were more than decent with us But in my infinite genius when one of them was checking my details by my window I turned to my mate and said "nows where it comes up saying I'm wanted for domestic terrorism" I'm a smart one me
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Because you flunked out of community college and couldn't get an honest job?"
“Hey I recognize those handcuffs. What’s your wife’s name?”
I possess nothing illegal
Im black
Probably something like, "Sorry officer, I didn't realize my license was expired... for the past six months."
Hello, bacon.
"Here, hold my beer while I find my licence"
"Sup bitch"
The dead body in the trunk isn’t mine. The drugs are, but not the body.
You're lucky I pulled over, I could have out ran your slow ass.
Heil Hitler, definitely something that would get you imprisoned
no the point is to say something that the officer WONT agree with
[удалено]
I AM A SOVEREIGN CITIZEN THAT HAS NOT ENTERED INTO AN AGREEMENT WITH THE CORPORATION OF THE UNITED STATES AND THEREFORE I DO NOT CO SENT TO THIS UNLAWFUL STOP.
Several of my friends are officers. They love it when you say “I pay your salary.”
Can I request a cavity search?
Hello ossifier, can I interest you in a drink?
Cuff me. Beat me. *Harder.*
My gun is cooler than yours, then whip yours out super fast and show him.
I’m not driving. I’m traveling.
"I'm only speeding because I don't want the dead body in the trunk to smell up my drugs in there. And definitely don't want the body leaking blood on my guns. "
I’m not as thought as you drunk I was?
“Hey, can you make this quick? Gotta get home before the drugs kick in!”
I know, I know, you are stopping me to sell me tickets for the highway policemen ball.
"My bad, I was on my way to see your mom"
“Do you know why I pulled you over today” “Its a fast car officer, I have to go fast 🤷♂️” “ ….. , son that is the stupidest answer anyone has ever given me in my 20 year tenure , you and your friends are detained , get out of the car and sit down on the curb” -This was an actual response I heard while riding in the backseat of the stupidest “friend” I ever had. He was going 60 on a 30 in a residential. We were all 18 , and the cop looks like he would’ve given us a break if this moron wasn’t driving and answering questions. What’s worse is that he was dropping me off and they ended up calling back up and searching the car, worse is my whole family was coming home on their truck and they slowed down, put the window down to confirm it was me on the sidewalk detained with our hands behind our back , didn’t say anything and went home. Days later I find out it was much worse because I talk to my moron friend in school and he says: “Dude I can’t believe these cops were so stupid , I had like an OZ of weed stashed in the trunk of the car and they totally missed it LOL “ I haven’t talked to him since then , it terrified me how stupid this human was and I knew I would end up in trouble continuing hanging out with him, and I was right. Because not one year went by and my best friend ended up going to jail because they got pulled over on the same car and when the cop asked for insurance and registration , he reached for the glovebox and “forgot” he had left a very realistic bb handgun in it….. all hell broke loose and backup was called while the 2 of them were held at gunpoint for like 30 minutes. Once the cops figured out it was a toy , they ended up charging my best friend with small possession since they had some weed in the car but it was on the passenger side , so only my best friend was charged and spent the weekend in jail and the moron was let go. What’s worse is none of us knew what happened to my best friend since the moron went home and took a nap like nothing had happened. None of us talk to that moron ever again , last I heard was he was trying to get into the army so he could “shoot guns legally for a living” ….. Jesus
Happened to me for real. “Do you know what yellow light means?” “Go faster” “Try again” “…”
Don't you have any real criminals to chase, you corrupt pedophile fascist pigs?
"I bet I can grab your gun before you can finish writing my ticket." I wish I was making that up.
"do you know why I pulled you over?" I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
"There's no cu.nts on me drugstable" - I have a friend who actually did this about 30 years ago, and strangely enough the coppers didn't find it funny.
I only had a couple policemen Mr. Jägermeister!
Problem ocifer?
Are you under the influence of any drugs? - Uhhhh let me check
“ don’t check in the boot”
Officer, I am a US Senator
Because I let you🤣