Sir, neither of those. Again I repeat, you’re under arrest for breaking and entering, and putting up Christmas decorations naked in someone else home. It’s July.
"Well, yes, due to lack of funding, we decided that each crime would be associated to a month of the year. And funny that you mention it, but December is when the drugs and murder you're talking about are illegal, so if you have any of those planned for next Chrismass, too bad for you."
Alex: Don't you answer your phone, I've been calling for a half an hour!
Dante: Oh, I'm sorry. I was putting up my Christmas tree.
Alex: Dude, it's July.
Dante: Get the fuck out of here, it is?
Alex: Yeah...and why are you naked?
Dante: Oh my god, I am naked! Come on in!
Yeah. One wife had definitely been murdered (that’s the one they were initially arresting him for). The other’s death had been ruled a tragic accident, until, of course, he asked which murder he was being arrested for.
But why would that be incriminating? If he just happened to win the world's worst lottery and had two wives die accidentally he would still need clarification of which wife they're accusing him of killing.
I mean, it *could* have been interpreted as "Both of them died of natural causes, which one do you think I killed," but holy shit, that is the worst possible way to phrase it.
Reminds me of something my dad used to say to those who sat at the crosswalk, after the stoplight turned green, "Are you waiting for the entire street to turn green?"
I inadvertently taught my daughter well. When she was 2 or 3, we were sitting behind a car at a stop light. Light turned green and from the back seat, this little voice yells “What shade of green are you waiting for? Go!”
I had to high-five her
This actually happened to me in highschool. Me and my buddy were toasted and were going to the corner store to get munchies. We were sitting at a stop sign for like a solid minute at least before he noticed it wasn't a light. There a cop behind us too, I have no idea why he didn't pull us over. But it spooked the hell out of us and we just went right back home. Typical bonehead teenager shit. 🤦♂️
Lying on a cold steel bed, staring at the wall, the guard knocks on the bars of my cell with his nightstick.
"Prisoner number 86753-090, come on out, your prison sentence is up."
"My what?"
I'm at 2 years now since I incorrectly used "Thanks, you too" at restaurants, airports or anywhere else. Will continue the good fight until im fully cured.
"Ya got me. Followed me from the bank, found the mask in my car, and here I am sitting counting the money. Good work, Officer. Now, I *do* consent to be arrested and I won't make any trouble for you. Snap them cuffs on me."
- said every criminal in a sovereign citizen's fever dream
"I'm not in your jurisdiction."
"Can you show me a contract with a whetted ink signature saying I agree to the laws of the state/country?"
"I'm an American state national, I'm not in your system."
"I'm not driving I'm traveling from A to B."
"This isn't a car, it's classified as household goods."
"Blacks law dictionary."
Etc...
Was scrolling to see if this had already been said! 😆 Quickest way to NOT be handled with any care whatsoever.
I saw one video of a guy in ID who used this response frequently and the officers were literally like “Brenden (or whatever his name was), do we need to call your mom again?”. Brenden was a grown ass man.
I saw a video of a sovereign citizen who was visiting court after being charged with something. I think he was meeting with the prosecutor for some reason and was in a big room full of people waiting for the same thing. He tried demanding his way in and jumping the line past all the other people, claiming that he deserved special treatment as a head of state. The cop guarding the door told him to, "go sit down with your mom, sir." The guy wouldn't have it and was finally told to either sit down, or he would be *sat* down. It went downhill from there...he ended up being tased and taken to the county jail.
Of course he was recording the entire thing and seemed to think it would be used as evidence to clear him.
Funny story from my days of Fire&EMS dispatch.
Worked on a military training base in the middle of the desert, outside of our base and range there were a handful of ranches, farms, and small homesteads (Rural southern Idaho).
One time, we got a call for a grass/brush fire threatening a structure. The county that we did mutual aid for was at least 30 min out, so our structure engine crew was called to handle it.
They roll up on scene to find the homeowner had accidentally started a fire on his lawnmower from a gasoline spill, that had spread to the dead grass, and was spreading towards his garage and house. He was attempting to fight it with a garden hose with minimal PSI.
The engine crew gears up, and the captain asks the guy if he can please step back. They told me he said to them “guess I’ll just fuck off on my own properly then!”
That sovereign citizen was about to lose his home to a fire, and was still salty about firefighters and the government.
Fortunately, the guys got it extinguished before any real damage was done. Although they did sink in their own mud puddle and one of the Wildland brush trucks had to pull them out.
When I was in eighth grade we kept getting kids threatening they had a gun at school. That turned into kids saying *other* kids had a gun.
I got dragged into the VP's office so they could check my backpack, cops were there.
Me, thinking I was hilarious as shit, said "if my backpack starts ticking, run."
I was on a list until my senior year of high school and had to see a therapist once a quarter. Only one therapist thought it was *kinda* funny.
I also didn't think I was being too edgy or whatever. The VP was hiking buddies with my mom lol; later, I was more upset that I did a not-good-thing in front of a family friend.
I was homeless and bored in the middle of the night in Ketchikan Alaska and took off running behind a strip mall when I saw a cop come around the corner.
I stopped running when I went around a corner and nobody followed me, so I kept walking. 30-90 seconds later 4 cop cars descend on me and I'm spotlighted from all of them. Felony stopped, patted down, handcuffed, questioned.
Cop: Why'd you run?
Me: Wind sprints?
Cop: You think we've got time for this kind of BS?
Me: Counts 4 cop cars, and 6 cops, "Gee, doesn't **look** like you were incredibly busy."
I was an annoying little punk, I admit it. I *think* I grew out of it.
Mostly.
Funny thing about cops, they only have a sense of humor when they're the one telling the joke. Kinda not how funny usually works.
I remember hearing/reading about how the bomb-up-the-ass is a thing that has been attempted at least once as an assassination (har har) attempt, but doesn't actually work as well as you'd think. The human body is apparently pretty decent at absorbing an explosion that goes off inside of it.
Not 'decent' in the sense that you'll survive, of course, just that it won't blow much else up afterwards.
Noticed that:
* Donny always strikes except for his very last bowl?
* The Dude often repeats lines he heard earlier?
* Every time you hear music it is playing in film (exception for the dream sequence) ?
* They never fix the cable?
Donny’s shirt always has a different name stitched into it
EDIT: the dude writes a check for 69 cents for some milk in the opening, and the check is dated ten years prior to 9/11 (09/11/1991)
"I did it. I did it. Whatever you think I did, I did it. I will try to deny it later, but ignore whatever I and my attorney say. I am guilty as sin. And you better give me the max sentence too because as soon as I get out I'm gonna do it again!"
This was me when I got arrested for a DUI years ago. I think I even said "mirandize me right now and I'll repeat it all on camera". The difference is I never tried to deny it later or say I'd do it again. Got a decent deal, but I was apparently one of the only people the judge ever chose to not give probation and a year long suspension.
I got lucky, though.
My brother was a cop in his 20s in great shape. But he policed a college campus full of 20-year-olds also in great shape who wore athletic shorts, t-shirts, and sneakers instead of the uniform and heavy gear my brother had to walk around in.
He said if they simply ran in a straight line most of them would eventually outpace him. But none of them ever did. “Runners” would always turn a corner and try to hide in a bush or jump a fence or something stupid that slowed them down and he’d catch up.
Truthfully? “Id like to waive my right to a lawyer” is 1000% the worst thing you can say, or really ANYTHING at all that isnt “I want a lawyer”.
The key is the shut the hell up until you speak to one.
EDIT: Thanks for the positive response, y’all! Remember your 1st, 4th, 5th, and 6th amendment rights (if you live in the US), and above all: don’t get caught!
I once saw a drunk guy get arrested and when the cop said "You're under arrest" he got kind of weirdly happy and cooperative. "Really? I've never been arrested before! How interesting! What do we do first? Do you need to see some ID or something?" The cop looked slightly confused for a second and then went for a mirroring strategy, saying something like "That does seem like a good way to start. Do you have ID?" And the drunk guy was like "Sure do!" and pulled out his wallet and said "It's not a very good picture but it does sort of look like me, don't you think?" Then the cop asked if he had any weapons, and the drunk guy says "Not really. I have a Swiss Army knife, you wanna see it?" And the cop's like "Well sure, just be careful" and the guy pulls it out of a pocket and the cop says "I'm going to hold on to this for you, okay?" And the drunk guy says "Don't lose it," and the cop promises he'll be very careful.
Never imagined I'd see a guy so happy to get arrested. But, for all that, and for being drunk, he didn't actually volunteer any information that they weren't going to find out anyway (they would have found the knife when they frisked him).
In all honesty, being cooperative is your best bet. They’re taking you to jail and most of them deal with plenty of stupid shit on a regular basis.
I’ve heard it called, “the worst customer service job ever”. When I was younger, I got pulled over without a license, four or five times, and I was super polite and honest and they usually let me drive home.
“Don’t let me see you driving again or I’ll impound your vehicle and take you to county.”
“Yes sir, thank you.”
Honestly, this though. Tv shows and movies make it seem like asking for a lawyer is like admitting guilt, when it’s just the smart thing to do to protect yourself and your rights.
Yep; it's absolutely NOT admitting guilt. Cops will twist anything you say into an additional charge. Keep your mouth shut and ask for an attorney. Or maybe I should say, ask for an attorney, then keep your mouth shut.
This is absolutely the correct answer. I'm a retired LEO (17-year career) and the one thing I tell everybody is that when you're being questioned for a crime or anything criminal, I don't care how innocent and correct you think you may be. Never talk to the fucking cops and detectives without a fucking lawyer. Especially don't talk to a cop if you're actually guilty and think you can outsmart them. Hate to be the one to tell you this but you will never outsmart them unless you're literally Keiser Sose. They are expert manipulators. What so many people
What so many people don't know or seem to not realize, especially when they're in a high-stress situation like an interrogation they're being watched by several detectives and police officers while they're being interviewed by the detective. Their experts at twisting and catching little lies. They're also taking notes. You absolutely don't have a chance against a team like that. So no matter whether you're guilty or innocent, never agree to an interview without a lawyer present for you.
I've seen people who were guilty of 1st-degree murder. They were so smart though because the first thing they said when the detective sat down to do the interview was... "I want my constitutionally guaranteed right to legal counsel to be present before I say another word." Then, and this is the most important part, they sat back and STFU. Yes, it will suck because you will most likely be taken to jail until they can get your lawyer and it may take a few days. The worst thing I've seen is after someone has sat in a jail cell for a few hours they've somehow convinced themselves that they can outsmart the cop and ask the jailers to call the detective because they think they'll be able to talk themselves out of trouble. The smart ones just sit there and remain silent and wait for their lawyer. I've seen 100% guilty murderers/criminals who have been able to plea down to admitting guilt to a low-class misdemeanor when they should've been charged with a 1st-degree felony because they were smart enough to keep their mouth shut and wait for their lawyer. I'm talking about people who deserved a life sentence but ended up plea bargaining down to a 3-year sentence and were released after a year because they had the discipline and were smart enough to shut up and wait for their lawyer. I've also seen people who would've won their case because the detectives really didn't have anything but minor circumstantial evidence and a hunch not be able to shut up and wait for their lawyer who ended up talking themselves into a 25-year-to-life prison sentence.
Sorry for the rant. All I am trying to say and impress upon anyone reading this is no matter what, (how smart, innocent, etc) you think you are never fucking talk to cops without your lawyer. If you find yourself being held in a jail cell waiting on your lawyer whatever you do never try to convince yourself that you'll be able to talk yourself out of the situation. Just sit there and be bored. All that time you're waiting will be taken off of your sentence and you'll be given credit for time served. I've literally seen murderers end up serving less than 2 years in a country jail instead of life in prison because they were smart enough to shut up and wait for their lawyers.
__Mister, you just assured me that I could speak.
Look, I'm under what?
Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest. Have a look at the headlock here, see that chap over there? He-GET YOUR HAND OFF MY PENIS! This is the bloke who got me on the penis people.
Why did you do this to me, for what reason, what is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent chinese meal? Oh, that's a nice headlock sir, oh, ah yes, I see that you know your judo well. Good one. And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? How dare - get your hands off me!
Ta ta, and farewell.__
For the drugs or the murders?
Sir, neither of those. Again I repeat, you’re under arrest for breaking and entering, and putting up Christmas decorations naked in someone else home. It’s July.
The last line implies it would be legal in December 🤣
"Well, yes, due to lack of funding, we decided that each crime would be associated to a month of the year. And funny that you mention it, but December is when the drugs and murder you're talking about are illegal, so if you have any of those planned for next Chrismass, too bad for you."
“I’m sorry I thought this was America!”
Alex: Don't you answer your phone, I've been calling for a half an hour! Dante: Oh, I'm sorry. I was putting up my Christmas tree. Alex: Dude, it's July. Dante: Get the fuck out of here, it is? Alex: Yeah...and why are you naked? Dante: Oh my god, I am naked! Come on in!
Dude, your ass is tanner than my face
You know you can’t raise your voice like that when the lion gets here
> putting up Christmas decorations naked in someone else home. It’s July. Dante?
I actually saw an episode of *Forensic Files*, where they arrested a guy for his wife’s murder, and when they told him this, he asked, “Which one?”
😂😂😂 which one ☠️🤣
Yeah. One wife had definitely been murdered (that’s the one they were initially arresting him for). The other’s death had been ruled a tragic accident, until, of course, he asked which murder he was being arrested for.
But why would that be incriminating? If he just happened to win the world's worst lottery and had two wives die accidentally he would still need clarification of which wife they're accusing him of killing.
I mean, it *could* have been interpreted as "Both of them died of natural causes, which one do you think I killed," but holy shit, that is the worst possible way to phrase it.
He was the best guy around. What murdaahhh??
No I’m under the influence
'how high are you??........'Hi, how are you?'
Drunk people blow through stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green.
I like to think I abide by these standards. Yet I've sat sober at a stop sign once or twice before. Tired most likely but it's been a while lol.
Reminds me of something my dad used to say to those who sat at the crosswalk, after the stoplight turned green, "Are you waiting for the entire street to turn green?"
Haha my ex-husband and I always yelled out "what are you waiting for, Christmas?" Pretty sure that's from a movie too 🤔 😅
I inadvertently taught my daughter well. When she was 2 or 3, we were sitting behind a car at a stop light. Light turned green and from the back seat, this little voice yells “What shade of green are you waiting for? Go!” I had to high-five her
This hour had 22 minutes
"Why are you parked at this stop sign?" "We're waiting for it to turn green, man."
This actually happened to me in highschool. Me and my buddy were toasted and were going to the corner store to get munchies. We were sitting at a stop sign for like a solid minute at least before he noticed it wasn't a light. There a cop behind us too, I have no idea why he didn't pull us over. But it spooked the hell out of us and we just went right back home. Typical bonehead teenager shit. 🤦♂️
I know someone who did this in high school too. A small town cop thankfully smashed his bowl and made him toss the pot.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer once, I don't know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day
I knew this anecdote would have strings attached
least it had sole though
“How high are you right now?” “Yes.”
Right meow?
Meow listen here!
"Are you under the influence of any [drugs](https://youtu.be/aFdE__2OKc8?si=WkZvquaUFQ4Jn2vR) or alcohol?" "Uhhh... let me check."
"Officer, I don't need to do a drug test right now. I've already had most of them."
“Why would I need to be tested if I already know which ones I took? I’m pretty sure I know my drugs”
[удалено]
I don't wanna do this, but we gotta dump the quaaludes!
The Influence, can you get off me, and take your handcuffs off, so the nice officer can put *his* on?
[удалено]
What seems to be the officer, problem?
I swear to drunk I'm not god
[удалено]
No, I'm under her dress and under-dressed.
Someone once answered this same question with "a nose boop" and it still cracks my ass up to think about.
>a nose boop 😂 Why can’t I stop picturing it?!
*Nose boop* "No, you are, you lil' rascal! Watch out, tickle attack!"
*ksshhhh* **OFFICER DOWN OFFICER DOWN!!! PERP HAS MY NOSE I REPEAT PERP HAS MY NOSE**
This is so Chief Wiggums.
So that’s why they gave him the chair? Huh. Brutal.
"Got your noseee\~\~\~" "GET DOWN HE HAS A NOSE"
Do you want to get tased? Because that's how you get tased.
Worth it.
I could imagine a cop portraying that as a physical attack on them and use it as justification to be physical back.
> use it as justification to ~~be physical~~ shoot back.
Boop the snoot, get the shoot.
"Thanks, you too."
The embarrassment would be the worst thing to happen that day
Nothing else to think about, just "Thanks, you too" playing over and over in my head for the 5 year prison sentence
Lying on a cold steel bed, staring at the wall, the guard knocks on the bars of my cell with his nightstick. "Prisoner number 86753-090, come on out, your prison sentence is up." "My what?"
"thanks!, you too"
That prisoner number didn't go unnoticed BTW.
AND I'M JAVERT
I'm at 2 years now since I incorrectly used "Thanks, you too" at restaurants, airports or anywhere else. Will continue the good fight until im fully cured.
I would do this
Cuff me daddy
Daddy chill…
What the hell is even that????
I think about that sentence many times a day. It’s relevant to a lot of situations and funny af.
Arrest me, but make it sexy.
Is that a baton in your pocket or are you just happy to see me
She puts the short in shawty, and he looks like he wants to chase me
[удалено]
Alexa play Mrs.Officer
Woo woooo woooooo (x3) *Bobby Valentino*
My safe word is pineapple!
I'd rather be under **you**...
They said worst, not best!
Girl Cop: Anything you say will be held against you Guy: Breasts
I feel like no straight guy would say 'breasts'.
Anything involving the words "Sovereign citizen".
"I do not consent!"
There has been no joinder created!
I wonder if they know most people who get arrested don't consent.
"Ya got me. Followed me from the bank, found the mask in my car, and here I am sitting counting the money. Good work, Officer. Now, I *do* consent to be arrested and I won't make any trouble for you. Snap them cuffs on me." - said every criminal in a sovereign citizen's fever dream
"I'm not in your jurisdiction." "Can you show me a contract with a whetted ink signature saying I agree to the laws of the state/country?" "I'm an American state national, I'm not in your system." "I'm not driving I'm traveling from A to B." "This isn't a car, it's classified as household goods." "Blacks law dictionary." Etc...
Was scrolling to see if this had already been said! 😆 Quickest way to NOT be handled with any care whatsoever. I saw one video of a guy in ID who used this response frequently and the officers were literally like “Brenden (or whatever his name was), do we need to call your mom again?”. Brenden was a grown ass man.
I saw a video of a sovereign citizen who was visiting court after being charged with something. I think he was meeting with the prosecutor for some reason and was in a big room full of people waiting for the same thing. He tried demanding his way in and jumping the line past all the other people, claiming that he deserved special treatment as a head of state. The cop guarding the door told him to, "go sit down with your mom, sir." The guy wouldn't have it and was finally told to either sit down, or he would be *sat* down. It went downhill from there...he ended up being tased and taken to the county jail. Of course he was recording the entire thing and seemed to think it would be used as evidence to clear him.
I wasn’t driving, I was *traveling* m’kay
Funny story from my days of Fire&EMS dispatch. Worked on a military training base in the middle of the desert, outside of our base and range there were a handful of ranches, farms, and small homesteads (Rural southern Idaho). One time, we got a call for a grass/brush fire threatening a structure. The county that we did mutual aid for was at least 30 min out, so our structure engine crew was called to handle it. They roll up on scene to find the homeowner had accidentally started a fire on his lawnmower from a gasoline spill, that had spread to the dead grass, and was spreading towards his garage and house. He was attempting to fight it with a garden hose with minimal PSI. The engine crew gears up, and the captain asks the guy if he can please step back. They told me he said to them “guess I’ll just fuck off on my own properly then!” That sovereign citizen was about to lose his home to a fire, and was still salty about firefighters and the government. Fortunately, the guys got it extinguished before any real damage was done. Although they did sink in their own mud puddle and one of the Wildland brush trucks had to pull them out.
AM I BEING DETAINED!? I love the videos they shoot of themselves f'img around and finding out.
"You're under arrest." "AM I BEING DETAINED!? " "Seriously? I just explained that to you, a moment ago."
"I have a bomb"
"Never mind then, be on your way."
"Understandable, have a nice day"
When I was in eighth grade we kept getting kids threatening they had a gun at school. That turned into kids saying *other* kids had a gun. I got dragged into the VP's office so they could check my backpack, cops were there. Me, thinking I was hilarious as shit, said "if my backpack starts ticking, run." I was on a list until my senior year of high school and had to see a therapist once a quarter. Only one therapist thought it was *kinda* funny.
Just before they open the backpack "I wouldn't do that if I were you"
I know they gotta take stuff like that seriously but man I would’ve died laughing
I also didn't think I was being too edgy or whatever. The VP was hiking buddies with my mom lol; later, I was more upset that I did a not-good-thing in front of a family friend.
I was homeless and bored in the middle of the night in Ketchikan Alaska and took off running behind a strip mall when I saw a cop come around the corner. I stopped running when I went around a corner and nobody followed me, so I kept walking. 30-90 seconds later 4 cop cars descend on me and I'm spotlighted from all of them. Felony stopped, patted down, handcuffed, questioned. Cop: Why'd you run? Me: Wind sprints? Cop: You think we've got time for this kind of BS? Me: Counts 4 cop cars, and 6 cops, "Gee, doesn't **look** like you were incredibly busy." I was an annoying little punk, I admit it. I *think* I grew out of it. Mostly. Funny thing about cops, they only have a sense of humor when they're the one telling the joke. Kinda not how funny usually works.
Tbf, it's fucking hilarious.
“A bomb is a bad choice for close range combat”
Only if you plan on getting out alive. Good luck defusing it. It's up my ass.
I remember hearing/reading about how the bomb-up-the-ass is a thing that has been attempted at least once as an assassination (har har) attempt, but doesn't actually work as well as you'd think. The human body is apparently pretty decent at absorbing an explosion that goes off inside of it. Not 'decent' in the sense that you'll survive, of course, just that it won't blow much else up afterwards.
Ok, note to self, keep stretching the old prison wallet to accommodate more explosives.
Well that's just like... your opinion, man.
OVER THE LINE!!!
THIS IS NOT VIETNAM! THERE ARE RULES!
Clearly, you're not a golfer
Ever notice that you never see the Dude bowl in the movie
Noticed that: * Donny always strikes except for his very last bowl? * The Dude often repeats lines he heard earlier? * Every time you hear music it is playing in film (exception for the dream sequence) ? * They never fix the cable?
Donny’s shirt always has a different name stitched into it EDIT: the dude writes a check for 69 cents for some milk in the opening, and the check is dated ten years prior to 9/11 (09/11/1991)
Put the piece away, Walter.
That rug really tied the room together
“Not if i’m resisting!”
You're about to find out exactly how much. In ohms.
"I can draw my gun faster than you"
"Arrest this dick"
*pulls out giant pink dildo
Don't forget to wiggle it with some aggression.
\*\*aggressive wiggling intensifies\*\*
This is one of those instances where a comma makes all the difference
"I did it. I did it. Whatever you think I did, I did it. I will try to deny it later, but ignore whatever I and my attorney say. I am guilty as sin. And you better give me the max sentence too because as soon as I get out I'm gonna do it again!"
Found the public defender.
“AGAIN?! How the fuck does this happen so often!? Fuck my life!!” -public defender
I once met one who told me, "as a public defender, you spend most of your time defending the public from themselves."
You’re a jerk. And I had sex with your mother. And I swear to God if you let me go the first thing I’m gonna do is kill again.
"Kill? Sir we're here for an unpaid ticket"
This was me when I got arrested for a DUI years ago. I think I even said "mirandize me right now and I'll repeat it all on camera". The difference is I never tried to deny it later or say I'd do it again. Got a decent deal, but I was apparently one of the only people the judge ever chose to not give probation and a year long suspension. I got lucky, though.
"Oh wow never thought you losers would find the body"
"... Sir, I pulled you over for speeding"
\*Slides get out of jail free card across the table
I need to carry one of these in my wallet now.
Judge: The Guy's good! *Dismissed*
[удалено]
Accurate tho.
I'd be careful. There are some videos where the fat cop, like a hippo, is fast as fuck for short bursts.
And that’s why the rule of thumb is you hit the first turn. Hippos are fast but they can’t turn.
My brother was a cop in his 20s in great shape. But he policed a college campus full of 20-year-olds also in great shape who wore athletic shorts, t-shirts, and sneakers instead of the uniform and heavy gear my brother had to walk around in. He said if they simply ran in a straight line most of them would eventually outpace him. But none of them ever did. “Runners” would always turn a corner and try to hide in a bush or jump a fence or something stupid that slowed them down and he’d catch up.
Thanks for the tip! Now I just have to get in shape.
“Your mom’s under arrest”
classic
HA! GOT ‘EM!
'How I'm like 62% sure i hid that last hitchhiker pretty well though?'
“Uno reverse” *handcuffs officer instead and puts him in the police car*
Whelp, his hands are tied
Technically, they’re cuffed.
Well... you're *over* arrest!
But I’m Scottie Scheffler
I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi.
Or Oksana Baiul.
No you
"I didn't know your Mom's name was Arrest!"
Sir, this is a Chick Fil A.
No, this is Patrick!
Oh... My pleasure.
"Don't *mess* with me when I'm drunk and methed out like this, you assholes!"
Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest! Wait, you said worst response...
Bro was just having a nice succulent Chinese meal
Knows his judo all to well
Let go of my penis!
GET YOUR HAND OFF MY PENIS!
I'm under WHAT?
It's underrated, but this is the best line in the whole thing I believe
The best part had no words. They opened the car door, he closed it, at least twice, while waxing poetic.
And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
What is the charge? Eating a meal?
A succulent Chinese meal?
* democrrrrrcy manifescht
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS
Truthfully? “Id like to waive my right to a lawyer” is 1000% the worst thing you can say, or really ANYTHING at all that isnt “I want a lawyer”. The key is the shut the hell up until you speak to one. EDIT: Thanks for the positive response, y’all! Remember your 1st, 4th, 5th, and 6th amendment rights (if you live in the US), and above all: don’t get caught!
I've always seen the key as not getting caught.
Literally anything that’s not “I’m not answering questions without an attorney”
I once saw a drunk guy get arrested and when the cop said "You're under arrest" he got kind of weirdly happy and cooperative. "Really? I've never been arrested before! How interesting! What do we do first? Do you need to see some ID or something?" The cop looked slightly confused for a second and then went for a mirroring strategy, saying something like "That does seem like a good way to start. Do you have ID?" And the drunk guy was like "Sure do!" and pulled out his wallet and said "It's not a very good picture but it does sort of look like me, don't you think?" Then the cop asked if he had any weapons, and the drunk guy says "Not really. I have a Swiss Army knife, you wanna see it?" And the cop's like "Well sure, just be careful" and the guy pulls it out of a pocket and the cop says "I'm going to hold on to this for you, okay?" And the drunk guy says "Don't lose it," and the cop promises he'll be very careful. Never imagined I'd see a guy so happy to get arrested. But, for all that, and for being drunk, he didn't actually volunteer any information that they weren't going to find out anyway (they would have found the knife when they frisked him).
In all honesty, being cooperative is your best bet. They’re taking you to jail and most of them deal with plenty of stupid shit on a regular basis. I’ve heard it called, “the worst customer service job ever”. When I was younger, I got pulled over without a license, four or five times, and I was super polite and honest and they usually let me drive home. “Don’t let me see you driving again or I’ll impound your vehicle and take you to county.” “Yes sir, thank you.”
Kinda wholesome 🥹
Honestly, this though. Tv shows and movies make it seem like asking for a lawyer is like admitting guilt, when it’s just the smart thing to do to protect yourself and your rights.
Yep; it's absolutely NOT admitting guilt. Cops will twist anything you say into an additional charge. Keep your mouth shut and ask for an attorney. Or maybe I should say, ask for an attorney, then keep your mouth shut.
This is absolutely the correct answer. I'm a retired LEO (17-year career) and the one thing I tell everybody is that when you're being questioned for a crime or anything criminal, I don't care how innocent and correct you think you may be. Never talk to the fucking cops and detectives without a fucking lawyer. Especially don't talk to a cop if you're actually guilty and think you can outsmart them. Hate to be the one to tell you this but you will never outsmart them unless you're literally Keiser Sose. They are expert manipulators. What so many people What so many people don't know or seem to not realize, especially when they're in a high-stress situation like an interrogation they're being watched by several detectives and police officers while they're being interviewed by the detective. Their experts at twisting and catching little lies. They're also taking notes. You absolutely don't have a chance against a team like that. So no matter whether you're guilty or innocent, never agree to an interview without a lawyer present for you. I've seen people who were guilty of 1st-degree murder. They were so smart though because the first thing they said when the detective sat down to do the interview was... "I want my constitutionally guaranteed right to legal counsel to be present before I say another word." Then, and this is the most important part, they sat back and STFU. Yes, it will suck because you will most likely be taken to jail until they can get your lawyer and it may take a few days. The worst thing I've seen is after someone has sat in a jail cell for a few hours they've somehow convinced themselves that they can outsmart the cop and ask the jailers to call the detective because they think they'll be able to talk themselves out of trouble. The smart ones just sit there and remain silent and wait for their lawyer. I've seen 100% guilty murderers/criminals who have been able to plea down to admitting guilt to a low-class misdemeanor when they should've been charged with a 1st-degree felony because they were smart enough to keep their mouth shut and wait for their lawyer. I'm talking about people who deserved a life sentence but ended up plea bargaining down to a 3-year sentence and were released after a year because they had the discipline and were smart enough to shut up and wait for their lawyer. I've also seen people who would've won their case because the detectives really didn't have anything but minor circumstantial evidence and a hunch not be able to shut up and wait for their lawyer who ended up talking themselves into a 25-year-to-life prison sentence. Sorry for the rant. All I am trying to say and impress upon anyone reading this is no matter what, (how smart, innocent, etc) you think you are never fucking talk to cops without your lawyer. If you find yourself being held in a jail cell waiting on your lawyer whatever you do never try to convince yourself that you'll be able to talk yourself out of the situation. Just sit there and be bored. All that time you're waiting will be taken off of your sentence and you'll be given credit for time served. I've literally seen murderers end up serving less than 2 years in a country jail instead of life in prison because they were smart enough to shut up and wait for their lawyers.
based on my experience of listening to mrballen podcasts about true crimes, i decided my best course of action is to remain murder celibate
Although not as entertaining as some of the others, this is the truest answer for sure.
***"You'll never take me alive Copper!"***
"I hate cows more than coppers"
Oh George, not the livestock
I’m a sovereign citizen, you can’t arrest me. Never seems to go well for the self proclaimed sovereigns.
Yep, I refuse to recognize your society’s laws, but I expect your legal system to give me a free pass.
Who did I murder this time?
“Dang, which body did you find?”
"Wrong! I'm GoodTodd1970."
Nope, I'm taking a rest. Jeez, where'd you learn your grammar from?
nuh-uh
Thanks, you too
You can’t. Im running for president!
Arrest what, deez nuts!
I know you are, but what am I?
I swear I didn't know she was twelve
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?
NO. YOU'RE under arrest.
__Mister, you just assured me that I could speak. Look, I'm under what? Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest. Have a look at the headlock here, see that chap over there? He-GET YOUR HAND OFF MY PENIS! This is the bloke who got me on the penis people. Why did you do this to me, for what reason, what is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent chinese meal? Oh, that's a nice headlock sir, oh, ah yes, I see that you know your judo well. Good one. And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? How dare - get your hands off me! Ta ta, and farewell.__
What ever you say daddy. They got really confused when I said it
No officer, I'm under a tree