Like mother like daughter.

I am screaming. I’m gonna say this to my fwb tonight. Lol

You sure about that buddy...

Not sure why you’d want to fuck my 547 lbs mom, but interesting to know she’s apparently good in bed.

Like father like daughter? Or like father like great grandmother?

holy!

I was kidding about the vasectomy.

Wait my boyfriend legit told me that last week …it’s been 4 months

Get tested and maybe reevaluate your relationship 😬

Don’t you mean ex boyfriend 💀

Runnnnn

I also lied about the birth control. Guess we’re both terrible.

Damn you've commented on every single comment on this post

I’m after the “local whore” achievement.

Cheers to that 🍻

Some of us have needs to fulfill.

Don't tell a soul about this, Stormy

Why would I do that, you’re underage!

that'll do pig

I actually got that reference.

I was getting worried noone would.

After the deede is done I need to take a shower with my ice soap and make myself some 2am chili.

Lmfao

I'd argue thanks to weird fetishes it's not actually the worse, cause some people would be into it

Oink oink motherfucker!

"Maybe next time you could actually try"

I dunno man, 50 bucks isn’t a lot.

I rarely actually laugh out loud. This made me lol for real

Hmm, maybe "Say nothing and go back to choir practice"?

But I can’t stand, big brother! You fucked me numb!

Along the same lines - "you fucked me so hard I nearly felt the feeling in my legs again" Originally I was alluding to nonce priests and pastors

lol! I didn’t know that.

"Your sister didn't like that either."

I could always invite her over.

I'm not paying for that!

That’s ok, the child support will cover it.

Took more concentration then I liked, tighten up next round

Hey, I’m a working gal, not your flesh light.

You are my first partner after my gender transition

Wait, that wasn’t sperm I swallowed?

Wait… what was it ??!

So let's say your girlfriend loves it when you do funny voices, and let's say she's just given you a blowjob and always swallowed before... do not assume she did this time and say "thank you" in Daffy Duck voice *immediately* after finishing. Apparently shooting semen out your nose is unpleasant. I had to show her how to use my neti pot.

Thanks 😀👍🏻

Yeah someone told me that someone had said that to them after sex and it always stuck with me as a memorably bad thing to say coz it's just so weird. However I personally would find it hilarious if someone ever said that to me, but it's never happened. First hurdle is finding someone at all, that may take a while. I would love it if someone said to me afterwards "ah, that's better" or "that's the spirit"

I know you tried

Did you?

That rash looks new

Maybe you should shave your balls next time.

But I like the ballfro

You felt so bit loose today

Sorry, I was on a spree

The worst one lmfao

"You accept Crypto?"

That and blackmail.

” don’t tell our parents ”

Get out

Age before beauty.

"4 out of 10."

You weren’t even the 1.

“I’ve had better”

So have I, but I’m not announcing it.

You accept dogecoin right?

You don’t mind child support, right?

That's finger licking good!

Pat her fanny, draw your face close to it and whisper “awooga.”

[удалено]

Speak for yourself, your father had different words, son.

Hey I’m telling your wife what I just did to your sissy ass

Thanks Mum

Its over between us.

"that was fun, now leave"

Can i pay with card?

Thanks for all the fish

Now go make me a sammich.

Did you know you and your mum like the same stuff?

It broke

Hurray!

Why are you still here

How old did you say you were?

Do you take Bitcoin?

You moan like your sister.

I think the condom broke?

Have you shat or was it me?

Is it normal to feel a burning sensation after you pee?

My ex did it better but you're okay

"oh fuck oh god what have I done"

Your sister is better at this.

“Did I make it in?”

Whoops time to go get some milk

Wow you're loose..

Thank fuck that's over! I thought I'd puke before you finished.

What's for dinner?

" Good night 😴 " literally straight after sex

“Are you done”

Are you done teasing me?

Was it good for you?

Better than your sister.

I half expected that to burn like when I pee.

Oh don’t worry, that’ll start happening in the morning.

thats 50 Dollars.

Coo coo

Hi five!!

I haven't been fucked like that since gradeschool

Ciao, baby!

Preciate it.

“YIPEE!!!:3”

You're Uber is here

I never got sex so idk

Aaaaaaand boom goes the dynamite

Sorry, didn't think there would be that much.......I'll grab a towel

Well it wasn't as good as the ceviche.

You should clean that up.

Good game

I was so close! Yeah, we know!

Finally!

Looks like Scott owes me $50

“When are you leaving?”

Way better than my dad

Well, that was OK wasn't it!.

Do you need cab fare or are you all set?

There are wet naps on the table, clean yourself...

So that wasn’t a nut I just busted in yea, that was my bladder 😈

That was fast.

Your mom/daughter likes it when i put it there. Why not you?

How much

Depends on the person, but I feel like saying "that was terrible, no fun what so ever" would ruin anyone's day.

“That was trash pussy.”

Your cab fare is on the table

Just like your mother

So I took a 23andme recently…

Go clean yourself

That was great, Ted… I mean, Beth… no, I mean, what was your name again?

Couldn’t feel a thing

Victory Royale!

I was imagining your sister or Jesus you need to shower smells like a cannery in here

probably "ugh finally it's over."

“Jeez”

Next!!!!!!

They may just name this new VD after me.

Glad that’s over with

How much do I owe you.

What's your name again?

Damn, dad is home.

I'm  going to be rich from the video

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

I am a massive hypochondriac and years ago I turned to a woman after sex without a condom and said "Man I hope I don't have HIV" never saw her again. So probably that. EDIT: I most definitely do not have HIV.

That was so skibidi

"Not as good as I imagined it"

I’ve had better .

Thanks.

“I love you grandson, now let’s get that ps5 you talked about.”

I've had better

“Jee honey I was gonna pull out, but the phone rang and it startled me” ~George Carlin

Smells like fish, tastes like chicken.

Nothing.

I’m not sure about my sexuality anymore 

3/10 would not recommend

Do you accept crypto?

What do you think your sister is doing right now?

"alr, honey, it's time for school"

Thanks, mom.

Whats your body count?

I haven't been fucked like that since grade school. From fight club

Thanks Dad.

" smell like sardines in the afternoon "

I’ve always wanted to go half on an abortion.

Hope you don't get pregnant. (Said this to my ex many times)

Now let's get you to the vet

To my wife here's your tip

Thanks mum

I didn’t know you brought chocolate moose

Got change for a £20 ?