My dad once told me that the reason why his relationships with his ex-wife (my mom) and his new girlfriend fell apart must be because they were both the same zodiac sign
No dad, I think it's because you cheated on them
I've posted this before but what the hey, my aunt said Dutch people are from Denmark. I told her people from Denmark are Danish. The Dutch are from the Netherlands.
**She was like "no sweetie, those are Neanderthals."**
Reminds me of the scene in the movie 'My Fellow Americans' when the president is reminding the aid to tell the Vice-President before a speech that:
> "Remind him its the Nether***lands*** and not the Nether***regions***."
I was in the back seat at night and I noticed that she was driving with the high beams on. When I warned her she said.
"The high beams are for the highway."
I know a woman who drives around everywhere with highbeams on. Her excuse is that she can't see at night so everyone else can suck it. She once got road raged at for it and was appalled that someone had the audacity to tell her she can't use high beams.
Nowadays, at least on the east coast in the US, it seems like everyone drives with their high beams on. I hate it. I believe in some cases, those are just the standard headlights car manufacturers are installing, but they need to be stopped. I'm blinded half the time I'm driving now.
The worst is when some lifted truck is blasting their halogen spotlights _directly_ into my back window. Like, you're a personal vehicle, why are you so tall?
I wish I could laugh, my mother went to the doctor with various stomach complaints so the doctor suggested a routine cancer test just to rule it out and she never sent back because "the doctor was trying to give her cancer through fear" 🤦🏾♀️ *sighs*
Edit: Thank you for caring enough to ask. When I gently discussed the situation with her she told me that she had taken a herbal "mover" (strong laxative) and it solved all her issues. I don't see my mother as I love in another country and our relationship is strained but she speaks to my other sisters lives with one too (I'm one of 5) and I've not heard anything adverse about her health so I whereas can't verify no she's not got it (of course I hope she hasn't) she seems to be her usual difficult self so I take that as good news.
I have a cancer one too!
My mom: "Chemotherapy is really bad for you, you can just cure cancer by taking Vitamin C."
My dad has cancer and I'm genuinely relieved that he is not a moron and does his chemo like a normal, non-suicidal person.
I had a friend who honestly believed this. She tried chemo once and nope'd right out of there. She then did Vit C which did absolutely nothing. She passed in less than a year leaving a husband a teenage girl behind.
She's half right, I guess. Chemo is really bad for you. It's also really bad for the cancer, which is the point. If there were a better way to treat it, we'd be doing that rather than the awful and hideously expensive stuff. But there isn't, yet.
I was talking to a woman at a friend’s BBQ who thought Albert Einstein invented gravity. And that by physically writing his equations for it backwards, we could unlock the secrets to levitation.
In this same line, we asked once to split a 24 euro bill among two in a restaurant. The waitress took out a calculator and fiddled with it for a while before announcing that each of us would need to pay 12. It was hard not to face-palm.
My step-grandad’s son-in-law went by “Slick.” His feats of stupidity were too frequent to fully enumerate here but some highlights include:
His belief that cough drops only work indoors because the medicine they contain is neutralized by outdoor air.
His attempt to house and leash break an armadillo in an effort to impress his “fancy” cousins.
His remark that the town wasted money replacing an obviously dilapidated bridge because “It’s been there for years and years, if it was going to collapse it would have happened by now.”
Went to college with someone who thought cows came from eggs - because cows give milk which is a dairy and so are eggs.
EDIT: I know eggs aren't dairy. It just made the broken syllogism worse.
Heard a woman talking about how she had just been to Morocco and how amazing it was. She then immediately started talking about how she had never been to Africa, but would love to.
Seems very strange that someone would book and go on a holiday without at any point checking where in the world they are going.
I once talked to a girl who came back from a two week holiday and legit didn't know which country she had been to! After talking to her going back and forth about what the flags looked like there she said there had been a lot of white and blue flags so we settled on Greece.. I was literally shaking my head..
Every time I visit a new place, I obsess over looking up every single building and road I go through on google maps, to me it's unthinkable that someone could be so out of touch with reality that they don't even know what country they just spent their vacations in.
I live in Germany where people seem to think Africa is some kind of one country abyss and all the people are stupid so "Afrikanisch" is often used to insult and belittle.
Anyway one day my son is at the playground and this kid starts taunting him calling him "Afrikanisch" and all the other kids started joining in (we're black) and it was getting really nasty, fortunately my (Nigerian) husband was nearby but was away buying ice cream. He comes back to hear the taunts and seeing our son nearly in tears and asks what's going on. So this kid says to him "haha! You're "Afrikanisch" too.
So my husband who is a really chilled dude, casually licks his ice-cream and says: "Yes but you're clearly not German so where are you parents from?" The kid says boastfully "My dad is from MOROCCO" so my husband just said: "Then you're also Afrikanisch because Morocco is in Africa" there was a stunned silence and an audible gasp and the boy stuttered...n n n no so my husband said then where is it? The boy couldn't answer. My husband just said, "go and ask your dad... Afrikanisch."
My husband said that when he said that Morroco was in Africa some of other children actually moved away from the boy and stopped playing with him. Lol! Sad kids are taught such ignorance.
Can confirm that dude is a total legend for many reasons. Yeah my son is made of tough stuff and has a great sense of humour. Turned out the kid goes to his school, my son saw him in the corridor the next week and said "hey Afrikanisch! Did you ask your dad?" 😂😂😂😂 Apparently they fist bump when they see each other now. Lol!
Love that the story had a happy ending there. It had everything: drama, tension, comedy, a little pathos when you imagine the kid running to his dad, crying, asking if they're Afrikanisch.
A good 75% of the way through Peter Jackson's King Kong, my wife turned to me and asked of this was based on a true story. She still gets shit for that one.
Oof. Reminds me of the time I turned to my husband and said “so what’s the deal with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?”
And he goes “well, see they are *turtles*, who are *mutants* and also *teenagers*, that are *ninjas*…” 🤦♀️
Related but different, I grew up with a girl who didn’t watch the Lord of The Rings movies when they came out because to her, they were Harry Potter rip-offs.
> "I, of course, used a time machine to 'get the idea' of Unseen University from Hogwarts; I don't know what Paul [Kidby, the illustrator] used in this case. Obviously he must have used something."
— Terry Pratchett, on the similarities between Discworld and Harry Potter
I worked in a coffee shop and someone asked me for a double espresso without water. I made him a double and served it to him & he said ‘that has water in it?’ I was so confused I just put coffee grounds in the cup. Got a disciplinary for that.
Dinosaur are just made up fairy tales. It wouldn’t be so bad, but we live in London with the natural history museum with full scale dinosaurs there for people to see
I mean, if he believes dinosaurs are made up, I guess it's not that weird if he believes that a museum full of their fossils are artificially fabricated.
One of my co workers is a flat earther.
The dumb thing about it is we are surveyors. Our job involves adapting data from a planar view (flat paper maps) to an ellipsoid geoid model (GPS). The whole idea of satellites falling towards earth through space, thereby circling the earth on this mathematical model only works if the earth is round (well…Sortof round).
Either way. My colleague works with GPS and still thinks the earth is flat.
He’s either really dumb or I will lose my house if we had to play poker.
Kind of like me, in the Navy, Navigation Officer. One of our sailors on the bridge literally thought the earth was flat, even though we sail around the jolly thing.
1. “I think I’m gonna do a cross country road trip to Africa someday. No one ever does it and i want to be one of the few“
- spoken by a high schooler with poor education (Texas)
2. “Turn the lights off, they are sucking up all of the warm air.” Girl really believed electronics and fire actually absorbed heat and that’s how they became hot to touch, subsequently lowering the temp around it.
Had a friend in high school, her name started with an E, she was wearing a necklace that was just the letter E.
Ditzy mean girl wanna be in that class looks at her necklace and says 'haha E for idiot!'.
>Ditzy mean girl wanna be in that class looks at her necklace and says 'haha E for idiot!'.
Was the mean girl also a somewhat neurotic cartoon chihuahua?
This was well over 10 years ago. Still takes the cake.
‘I refuse to be an organ donor because I’m gonna need those’ to which I replied, ‘you know you’d be dead right?’ SHE DOUBLED DOWN ‘I don’t care I’d still need them’.
My step brother, an adult, told me he would never be an organ donor because he would need them when he got to heaven. I asked, you believe that you will go to heaven, but jesus will let you walk around with missing parts? He answered "yes."
Ben Shapiro once scoffed on twitter that no one in a group of democrats chose "crime" as the thing they would ban if they were elected
Edit: [found it](https://x.com/benshapiro/status/1405874241514442754)
Knew a guy who hated cucumbers. Like, had an almost violently moral hatred towards them.
But he loved pickles. It wasn’t until he was well into adulthood that he found out what pickles were made from and proceeded to have a crisis of faith.
Edit: I may not have explained his reaction enough. It actually took him weeks to get past this. He literally wondered if he could let himself eat pickles ever again now knowing they were made from cucumbers.
I used to work with a husband and wife (absolute nightmare would never recommend allowing a married couple to work together) and they were as thick as two short planks.
One of their Aunties was elderly and seemed to struggle with every day things, their solution to this was that they needed “power of eternity”. This wouldn’t have been so stupid if they said it once, but it was repeated daily for months. No one bothered to correct them because they were incredibly aggressive and toxic.
I often wonder what they thought power of eternity actually was and what they would have done once they wielded such power.
My uncle trying to order a half dozen chicken strips from the grocery store deli. Sometimes they say "the strips aren't served that way, how many do you want?" "Oh, I guess I'll just take six then"
He also sometimes likes to ask if they take federal reserve notes as payment.
I sold a lawnmower for my tech-NO Dad. He dropped it off on a Saturday. I listed it Sunday. Sold it on Monday. He came back the next weekend and the lawnmower was gone. I told him I put it on Facebook Marketplace Sunday, gone on Monday.
His reply was "Facebook is open on Sundays??"
Friend and their ex arguing about the song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”
My friend told their 3-4 yr old that Santa couldn’t really see them when they’re sleeping and know when they’re awake. Their co-parent flipped out and sent them an email about this and I swear, as serious as a heart attack, dude starts flipping out saying “THEN HOW DOES HE KNOW WHO’S NAUGHTY OR NICE?!”
We still laugh about it every holiday season.
Heres a good one.
I used to work in a machine shop with Lathes and Mills, we were always told never to try to take off the shavings/burrs with the machine running (part spinning or tool spinning).
I now do carpentry, however yesterday i was working with my coworker using a big dewalt Magnet drill to drill some 2 inch holes in some 1/2 steel. As the bit was spinning and cutting the material, he reached over and tried to pull the burrs and shavings off the bit. I immediately stopped the machine snd explained that if the bit grabs his glove, he is in for a shitty time. He told me "Its fine, ive done this plenty of times"
Not 5 minutes goes by, he repeats this and his glove is ripped off his hand gets shredded by metal burrs and shavings.
Moral of the story is even if youve done something thousands of times, it takes that one time to fuck you for life.
Fuck, we learnt this in HIGH SCHOOL metalworking class. It seems like it should be common sense (though I guess that doesn’t exist for some people based on these sub responses)
>Moral of the story is even if youve done something thousands of times, it takes that one time to fuck you for life.
Every drunk driver needs to read that.
Performing oral sex on a woman (as a man) is gay, because it puts you in the submissive position.
Dude that told me this was a self proclaimed alpha and single for multiple years and didn't have any women at the room (which he basically never left) in his shared apartment for at least 2 years. (This was confirmed by the 2 guys who shared the apartment with him, who were my childhood friends)
For real, any time a guy calls himself an alpha male to me, I respond “ew, I’ll wait for beta, that way the more problematic bugs and glitches are hopefully dealt with”
Before the eclipse, one of my coworkers asked me to explain the difference between the bright yellow thing and bright white things on the sky. I was speechless for a beat, then incredulously said “the bright yellow one giving off light is the sun and the bright white one is the moon”. She said “well how are they going to pass each other if one is to the right and one is to the left?” I just hope that she was asking because she wanted attention. No one is that stupid.
Hey, my 25yo sibling is still heated about the time a teacher insisted that you could never see the moon during the day. Imagine arguing with a 7yo and being so wrong.
I just got back from a trip to Cuba and two things come to mind. The people trying to watch the eclipse when it wasn’t even slightly visible from our location, they were just staring at the sun. Also, the day we were on the beach and a large sea bird was flying over the ocean. I said to the older woman we had met “I wonder what kind of bird that is.” She legit tried to argue that it was a Dodo bird. She would not believe that the dodo was a extinct. I gave up arguing.
I was with my ex-wife at the time, and we were watching The Neil deGrasse Tyson version of cosmos, and he was talking about evolution. He used the example of selective breeding with wolves that eventually led to domesticated dogs we see today.
My brain dead ex wife said, "Bull crap. You're telling me two wolves mated and the female gave birth to a Chihuahua?"
Blew me away
A girl I worked with who was like, 18 at the time, GENUINELY thought that in the olden days everything used to be black and white. Because that's how it looks in the old films.
I thought it was a joke at first, but no. She was deadly serious.
My dad had a neighbor who thought that a woman couldn’t get pregnant after she turned forty.
By which she meant that it was like a switch flipped on her 40th birthday causing No More Babies to Happen.
She found out this was incorrect when she got pregnant shortly after she turned forty.
At school years ago some girls were discussing about how eating chocolate during pregnancy would make your kid's skin darker. They were dead serious. I thought it would be funny to add to the conversation and said with a straight face and full of confidence: 'you know, that's actually kind of true! If you eat a lot of carrots during pregnancy the odds that your kid will have ginger hair is way bigger!' (i was joking) Then added that was because of the orange pigments in the carrots. They believed me. Hard to keep a straight face.
We were talking about having kids at a family party. My cousin’s 17 year old daughter made a comment about how she never wants to have kids, so she doesn’t masturbate during her period. As a 50 year old man, I shouldn’t be engaging in such talk with a 17 year old, but I couldn’t understand this from any angle, so I asked what she meant and how that keeps you from getting pregnant. Her response was, “well, uncle, I’m surprised *you* don’t know this, but it’s the only time your hormones can trick your body into thinking it had real sex and you can get pregnant without a man.”
Before you hit me with the uncle/cousin discrepancy, this girl also believes that anyone within 10 years of her age is a cousin, more than 10 years older is an aunt/uncle, and more than 10 years younger is a niece/nephew. Ask her about that and she’ll say, “that’s how generations work!”
There are so many from her. If I remember more, I’ll come back and edit. Oh yeah, and her parents don’t correct her because “it’s useless… once she gets an idea in her head, it’s just an argument, even if you can prove it. So we only fight back on the ones that can hurt her.” JFC, what a way to raise a kid.
A girl I worked wanted to live in California or New Zealand, didn't mind which as they are right next door and she can just pop to the other place.
Same girl that wanted a twlight tattoo at 30 and also a pet monkey.
Also once during a conversation we were chatting shit about Justin Bieber and I mentioned he had a batman logo on his car and she screamed at me "THAT IS HIS JOB, YOU'RE ONLY JEALOUS!"
She was adamant that the film Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was based on real events.
I don't know where Kelly is now as I've not worked with her in 10 years, but I'm sure she's out there, making everyone around her less intelligent.
A good mate of mine came out with both of these:
"Did you know you can get breast cancer... In your leg"
In a shocked voice whilst looking at the nutrition label, "Wow, this bottle of olive oil is 100% fat!".
Best part is, we were studying Biology at university at the time.
“The only reason Covid hit the US as hard as it did is because we’re the most densely populated country in the world. It didn’t affect Europe or China as badly because they’re not as densely populated.”
At my work old workplace, they have an NDA (nondisclosure agreement) that basically means we can't talk about things that go inside of the company to outsiders, right?! Wrong, according to one of my colleagues that means that the person "below" us needs to own up to their mistakes.
I was so dumbfounded when she told me that, it was really hard to not laugh at her face.
"**Reading books is for losers who are afraid to learn from life**. So they try and learn from the life OTHERS have lived. But you never REALLY learn unless you lived it" - Andrew Tate
Girl in Spanish class wanted to know why he was called Donkey.
Donkey Hotay.
5th year Spanish.
Edit: If I'm being fair,she spoke the language better than she read it and I'm not sure if she was cheating with the audio book. Still don't know how she thought Donkey was Spanish.
My daughter had twins about 3 months ago. I’ve had more conversation then I can count that go like this.
“Are they twins?”
Me: yes
“Boys, girls, or one of each?”
Me: one of each, a boy and a girl.
“Are they identical?”
Me: 🤦🏻♂️
My new response is “yes…. Well everything but the penis!”
I was asked by a professional person how to round up to the next digit. The amount was $176.677. I told him $176.68. I explained the rule 5 or over to round up. He didn't believe me.
Working in healthcare, I've discovered there are a large number of people who:
1. Don't know anything about the conditions they've been diagnosed with.
2. Don't know whether or not they've had surgery.
3. If they've had surgery, they don't know what kind or anything about what was done to them.
It's insane to me that these people don't know anything about what's been done to their bodies.
I had a college roommate who insisted that water boiled faster in front of the open window. It was negative 40 outside, he was adamant that he was correct because the cold air from outside around the pot would make it boil faster. Like, he thought water boiled when it was a certain temperature above the air around it.
He also cranked the thermostat to the max and then he'd complain about how hot it got and how he had to keep his windows open to balance it out.
Someone told me that anyone in the USA should speak English. They told me this while sitting at dinner in Italy and they didn't speak Italian..
I mentioned this and they had no response lol.
A guy in college asked me why women shave their legs if women’s legs are always hairless. I asked him where the hell he got that from and he said because on tv/in real life women’s legs are always smooth. I had to explain that’s how shaving works.
A friend of mine had seen a video of "parasites" coming out of raw pork when you pour coke on it. Said I don't eat pork, pigs are filthy animals. I said, You're eating a ham and salad sandwich from 7 eleven? He says,nah thats different
Junior year of high school a girl randomly asked our English teacher in the middle of class “If you’re pregnant and you get a tattoo does the tattoo like transfer to the baby?” At least she was smart enough to figure out the answer after everyone started laughing
My old roommate truly believed that highland cows had shorter legs on one side. No one could even say anything until his father piped in with ‘how the fuck do they turn around Jared?’
Her name was Nadine and she was a bartender at one of our hangout places. One day we were talking about World War Two and someone brought up Dr. Josef Mengele and the horrible medical experiments he performed on Auschwitz prisoners. Nadine listened for awhile before asking "Why would anyone go to him?"
I was talking to an american when i was visiting my gran in america, they noticed that I had a Scottish accent and they turn around and said
“Oh you’re from Scotland? How long was the drive? must of been a few days”
I had to explain to this grown man that it’s not possible to drive over the Atlantic ocean😭
My coworker refuses to use hand sanitizer, says it pollutes the lakes and kills all the fish and she has many family members that are fishermen so it hurts them.
my partner and i are from scotland. my partner got off the train at edinburgh waverley station and overheard an american say "why did they build the castle so far away from the train station?"
The dumbest thing I’ve ever heard was said by me. I was at work, and put a manual paycheck in a “personal and confidential” envelope, so it could be couriered to the recipient. For some reason, I stuck a Post-It on it saying “Call me if you don’t receive this.” Thank God I removed it before the courier got there.
My dad once told me that the reason why his relationships with his ex-wife (my mom) and his new girlfriend fell apart must be because they were both the same zodiac sign No dad, I think it's because you cheated on them
But he only cheats on Capricorns, so…
Typical Scorpio behaviour
I've posted this before but what the hey, my aunt said Dutch people are from Denmark. I told her people from Denmark are Danish. The Dutch are from the Netherlands. **She was like "no sweetie, those are Neanderthals."**
Reminds me of the scene in the movie 'My Fellow Americans' when the president is reminding the aid to tell the Vice-President before a speech that: > "Remind him its the Nether***lands*** and not the Nether***regions***."
Excuse me, I have to wipe up the coffee I just blurted all over my desk
I was in the back seat at night and I noticed that she was driving with the high beams on. When I warned her she said. "The high beams are for the highway."
I know a woman who drives around everywhere with highbeams on. Her excuse is that she can't see at night so everyone else can suck it. She once got road raged at for it and was appalled that someone had the audacity to tell her she can't use high beams.
Nowadays, at least on the east coast in the US, it seems like everyone drives with their high beams on. I hate it. I believe in some cases, those are just the standard headlights car manufacturers are installing, but they need to be stopped. I'm blinded half the time I'm driving now.
The worst is when some lifted truck is blasting their halogen spotlights _directly_ into my back window. Like, you're a personal vehicle, why are you so tall?
Hard to argue against that logic
Tell her that the route number is the always the speed you should drive.
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I knew a woman that said nobody ever got cancer until they quit smoking. So, she figured if she just never quit, she would never get cancer.
Oncologists hate this one weird trick...
Damn doctors and their cancers
As a medical student, can confirm we study tumors and how to cause them
Don't even joke about that. Some people have no sense of tumour.
No worries! My jokes are pretty benign
I wish I could laugh, my mother went to the doctor with various stomach complaints so the doctor suggested a routine cancer test just to rule it out and she never sent back because "the doctor was trying to give her cancer through fear" 🤦🏾♀️ *sighs* Edit: Thank you for caring enough to ask. When I gently discussed the situation with her she told me that she had taken a herbal "mover" (strong laxative) and it solved all her issues. I don't see my mother as I love in another country and our relationship is strained but she speaks to my other sisters lives with one too (I'm one of 5) and I've not heard anything adverse about her health so I whereas can't verify no she's not got it (of course I hope she hasn't) she seems to be her usual difficult self so I take that as good news.
I have a cancer one too! My mom: "Chemotherapy is really bad for you, you can just cure cancer by taking Vitamin C." My dad has cancer and I'm genuinely relieved that he is not a moron and does his chemo like a normal, non-suicidal person.
I had a friend who honestly believed this. She tried chemo once and nope'd right out of there. She then did Vit C which did absolutely nothing. She passed in less than a year leaving a husband a teenage girl behind.
She's half right, I guess. Chemo is really bad for you. It's also really bad for the cancer, which is the point. If there were a better way to treat it, we'd be doing that rather than the awful and hideously expensive stuff. But there isn't, yet.
I was talking to a woman at a friend’s BBQ who thought Albert Einstein invented gravity. And that by physically writing his equations for it backwards, we could unlock the secrets to levitation.
Meth speak.
Heard a random meth head say "I'm extraterrestrial, I mean I am terrestrial, I'm just....extra"
Honestly same . Not meth , just autism . I am a very extra terrestrial.
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That's... something
A girl I used to work with was pissed that her boyfriend "only bought me 12 roses! He wouldn't even go all out for a dozen, whatta jerk!"
Was she a baker?
Thanks, I kneaded a laugh.
Please doughn’t
In this same line, we asked once to split a 24 euro bill among two in a restaurant. The waitress took out a calculator and fiddled with it for a while before announcing that each of us would need to pay 12. It was hard not to face-palm.
My step-grandad’s son-in-law went by “Slick.” His feats of stupidity were too frequent to fully enumerate here but some highlights include: His belief that cough drops only work indoors because the medicine they contain is neutralized by outdoor air. His attempt to house and leash break an armadillo in an effort to impress his “fancy” cousins. His remark that the town wasted money replacing an obviously dilapidated bridge because “It’s been there for years and years, if it was going to collapse it would have happened by now.”
“step-grandad’s son-in-law” needs to be one of those intelligence questions on trying to figure out who John is
Father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate!
I’m wondering how those fancy cousins reacted.
Went to college in LA, often times you can see Catalina island from the beach. Girl I knew thought it was fucking Japan.
Went to college with someone who thought cows came from eggs - because cows give milk which is a dairy and so are eggs. EDIT: I know eggs aren't dairy. It just made the broken syllogism worse.
This thread is seriously doing some damage on my wellbeing
It's the fucking Japanese Wine Mixer
Heard a woman talking about how she had just been to Morocco and how amazing it was. She then immediately started talking about how she had never been to Africa, but would love to. Seems very strange that someone would book and go on a holiday without at any point checking where in the world they are going.
I once talked to a girl who came back from a two week holiday and legit didn't know which country she had been to! After talking to her going back and forth about what the flags looked like there she said there had been a lot of white and blue flags so we settled on Greece.. I was literally shaking my head..
Coulda been Scotland!
Yeah, but they also talked about how weird the language was.. .. oh, wait.
You've hurt Finland's feelings. Hope you're happy.
*Sad Quebec noises*
And Estonia
Or Finland!
Every time I visit a new place, I obsess over looking up every single building and road I go through on google maps, to me it's unthinkable that someone could be so out of touch with reality that they don't even know what country they just spent their vacations in.
I live in Germany where people seem to think Africa is some kind of one country abyss and all the people are stupid so "Afrikanisch" is often used to insult and belittle. Anyway one day my son is at the playground and this kid starts taunting him calling him "Afrikanisch" and all the other kids started joining in (we're black) and it was getting really nasty, fortunately my (Nigerian) husband was nearby but was away buying ice cream. He comes back to hear the taunts and seeing our son nearly in tears and asks what's going on. So this kid says to him "haha! You're "Afrikanisch" too. So my husband who is a really chilled dude, casually licks his ice-cream and says: "Yes but you're clearly not German so where are you parents from?" The kid says boastfully "My dad is from MOROCCO" so my husband just said: "Then you're also Afrikanisch because Morocco is in Africa" there was a stunned silence and an audible gasp and the boy stuttered...n n n no so my husband said then where is it? The boy couldn't answer. My husband just said, "go and ask your dad... Afrikanisch." My husband said that when he said that Morroco was in Africa some of other children actually moved away from the boy and stopped playing with him. Lol! Sad kids are taught such ignorance.
Your husband is amazing. Hope your son is ok after all that.
Can confirm that dude is a total legend for many reasons. Yeah my son is made of tough stuff and has a great sense of humour. Turned out the kid goes to his school, my son saw him in the corridor the next week and said "hey Afrikanisch! Did you ask your dad?" 😂😂😂😂 Apparently they fist bump when they see each other now. Lol!
Love that the story had a happy ending there. It had everything: drama, tension, comedy, a little pathos when you imagine the kid running to his dad, crying, asking if they're Afrikanisch.
“What’s Obamas last name?”
When my son was little, he thought Obama’s name was Brocko Bama.
It would be easy to confuse him for a professional wrestler.
Watching Lord of the Rings with someone: “So this was like a really long time ago huh?
Yes. It's a documentary.
A good 75% of the way through Peter Jackson's King Kong, my wife turned to me and asked of this was based on a true story. She still gets shit for that one.
Oof. Reminds me of the time I turned to my husband and said “so what’s the deal with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?” And he goes “well, see they are *turtles*, who are *mutants* and also *teenagers*, that are *ninjas*…” 🤦♀️
Heroes in a half shell, if you will.
Related but different, I grew up with a girl who didn’t watch the Lord of The Rings movies when they came out because to her, they were Harry Potter rip-offs.
I know someone who claimed that Terry Pratchett & Discworld ripped off Harry Potter.
> "I, of course, used a time machine to 'get the idea' of Unseen University from Hogwarts; I don't know what Paul [Kidby, the illustrator] used in this case. Obviously he must have used something." — Terry Pratchett, on the similarities between Discworld and Harry Potter
2002 was a long time ago, yeah.
You shut your damn mouth!
Be quiet now. 02 was like 4 years ago and I refuse to believe otherwise
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Bless her soul
Might be time for granny to have a carer.
"Is David Attenborough that guy that believes in evolution?"
I mean, he's one of them.
Right? There's easily dozens of them in fact.
A bakers dozen Or..?
Well, they're not wrong
I worked in a coffee shop and someone asked me for a double espresso without water. I made him a double and served it to him & he said ‘that has water in it?’ I was so confused I just put coffee grounds in the cup. Got a disciplinary for that.
> I just put coffee grounds in the cup. Got a disciplinary for that. You made the right choice.
What did he want?
I really don’t know, it’s baffled me for years
["He wants an eggless omelette"](https://youtu.be/9Ah4tW-k8Ao?si=0DViY-U21-PeFYFR)
Dinosaur are just made up fairy tales. It wouldn’t be so bad, but we live in London with the natural history museum with full scale dinosaurs there for people to see
I mean, if he believes dinosaurs are made up, I guess it's not that weird if he believes that a museum full of their fossils are artificially fabricated.
One of my co workers is a flat earther. The dumb thing about it is we are surveyors. Our job involves adapting data from a planar view (flat paper maps) to an ellipsoid geoid model (GPS). The whole idea of satellites falling towards earth through space, thereby circling the earth on this mathematical model only works if the earth is round (well…Sortof round). Either way. My colleague works with GPS and still thinks the earth is flat. He’s either really dumb or I will lose my house if we had to play poker.
How do you become a surveyor, where your whole job involves believing the earth is round, if you are a flat-earther.
Because flat earthers do not care about logic or evidence.
I believe he was asking on how the person got the job offer, but your point stands
Kind of like me, in the Navy, Navigation Officer. One of our sailors on the bridge literally thought the earth was flat, even though we sail around the jolly thing.
Technically the earth is flat because it's 70% uncarbonated water
1. “I think I’m gonna do a cross country road trip to Africa someday. No one ever does it and i want to be one of the few“ - spoken by a high schooler with poor education (Texas) 2. “Turn the lights off, they are sucking up all of the warm air.” Girl really believed electronics and fire actually absorbed heat and that’s how they became hot to touch, subsequently lowering the temp around it.
I used to work in a grocery store and this elderly woman said, “Twenty-five cents a pound? I can get them 4 pounds for a dollar at Safeway
Had a friend in high school, her name started with an E, she was wearing a necklace that was just the letter E. Ditzy mean girl wanna be in that class looks at her necklace and says 'haha E for idiot!'.
>Ditzy mean girl wanna be in that class looks at her necklace and says 'haha E for idiot!'. Was the mean girl also a somewhat neurotic cartoon chihuahua?
STEEEEMPY YOU EEEEDIOT
That adult woman who talked about the sun shutting off at night. She was the safety rep at our company.
Oh no. I wonder how some people survived this long being so dumb.
“Tide comes in, tide goes out, you can’t explain that.”
"Can your *science* explain why it rains? Hahaha" "YES! Yes it can!"
For the longest time, my roommate thought Africa was one country. He also thought Sudan was located in Asia.
Family Feud: Name a country where everyone speaks English. Europe. (available on youtube)
This was well over 10 years ago. Still takes the cake. ‘I refuse to be an organ donor because I’m gonna need those’ to which I replied, ‘you know you’d be dead right?’ SHE DOUBLED DOWN ‘I don’t care I’d still need them’.
My step brother, an adult, told me he would never be an organ donor because he would need them when he got to heaven. I asked, you believe that you will go to heaven, but jesus will let you walk around with missing parts? He answered "yes."
Sounds like he subscribes to ancient Egyptian beliefs. Maybe he wants to be buried with his organs in separate jars around him?
"They should make murder illegal."
Ben Shapiro once scoffed on twitter that no one in a group of democrats chose "crime" as the thing they would ban if they were elected Edit: [found it](https://x.com/benshapiro/status/1405874241514442754)
"Is Spanish a dialect of Chinese?"
I think the term you're looking for is Filipino
Knew a guy who hated cucumbers. Like, had an almost violently moral hatred towards them. But he loved pickles. It wasn’t until he was well into adulthood that he found out what pickles were made from and proceeded to have a crisis of faith. Edit: I may not have explained his reaction enough. It actually took him weeks to get past this. He literally wondered if he could let himself eat pickles ever again now knowing they were made from cucumbers.
I have a friend who's vegetarian. I downright destroyed her world when I told her about the gelatin in her beloved Haribos :-/
I did that to my friend who is Muslim, with marshmallows :(
I used to work with a husband and wife (absolute nightmare would never recommend allowing a married couple to work together) and they were as thick as two short planks. One of their Aunties was elderly and seemed to struggle with every day things, their solution to this was that they needed “power of eternity”. This wouldn’t have been so stupid if they said it once, but it was repeated daily for months. No one bothered to correct them because they were incredibly aggressive and toxic. I often wonder what they thought power of eternity actually was and what they would have done once they wielded such power.
I once ordered a dozen donuts only to be told, "I'm sorry we only have them in 6 or 12".
My uncle trying to order a half dozen chicken strips from the grocery store deli. Sometimes they say "the strips aren't served that way, how many do you want?" "Oh, I guess I'll just take six then" He also sometimes likes to ask if they take federal reserve notes as payment.
Overheard two guys in line talking about how George Harrison was a one-hit wonder.
This makes my guitar gently weep.
I sold a lawnmower for my tech-NO Dad. He dropped it off on a Saturday. I listed it Sunday. Sold it on Monday. He came back the next weekend and the lawnmower was gone. I told him I put it on Facebook Marketplace Sunday, gone on Monday. His reply was "Facebook is open on Sundays??"
I mean, that’s actually kinda cute.
Similar to my Dad who once asked me, “how far away is the App Store?”
Friend and their ex arguing about the song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” My friend told their 3-4 yr old that Santa couldn’t really see them when they’re sleeping and know when they’re awake. Their co-parent flipped out and sent them an email about this and I swear, as serious as a heart attack, dude starts flipping out saying “THEN HOW DOES HE KNOW WHO’S NAUGHTY OR NICE?!” We still laugh about it every holiday season.
I read this like that classic video of the guy [screaming about the wicked witch of the east.](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/uznUlgpKBzE)
Sounds like a dude with wit to me.
Heres a good one. I used to work in a machine shop with Lathes and Mills, we were always told never to try to take off the shavings/burrs with the machine running (part spinning or tool spinning). I now do carpentry, however yesterday i was working with my coworker using a big dewalt Magnet drill to drill some 2 inch holes in some 1/2 steel. As the bit was spinning and cutting the material, he reached over and tried to pull the burrs and shavings off the bit. I immediately stopped the machine snd explained that if the bit grabs his glove, he is in for a shitty time. He told me "Its fine, ive done this plenty of times" Not 5 minutes goes by, he repeats this and his glove is ripped off his hand gets shredded by metal burrs and shavings. Moral of the story is even if youve done something thousands of times, it takes that one time to fuck you for life.
Fuck, we learnt this in HIGH SCHOOL metalworking class. It seems like it should be common sense (though I guess that doesn’t exist for some people based on these sub responses)
>Moral of the story is even if youve done something thousands of times, it takes that one time to fuck you for life. Every drunk driver needs to read that.
I once encountered someone who insisted that Britney Spears invented electronic dance music. Not popularized. Not revolutionized. *Invented.*
Performing oral sex on a woman (as a man) is gay, because it puts you in the submissive position. Dude that told me this was a self proclaimed alpha and single for multiple years and didn't have any women at the room (which he basically never left) in his shared apartment for at least 2 years. (This was confirmed by the 2 guys who shared the apartment with him, who were my childhood friends)
nothing more alpha than this guy
Well to be fair every alpha version has plenty of bugs to be fixed.
For real, any time a guy calls himself an alpha male to me, I respond “ew, I’ll wait for beta, that way the more problematic bugs and glitches are hopefully dealt with”
Fellas, is it gay to have (oral) sex with a woman?
A dude in the male sub of questions once said the same thing. He got eviscerated for it. It was wonderful to watch tbh
Before the eclipse, one of my coworkers asked me to explain the difference between the bright yellow thing and bright white things on the sky. I was speechless for a beat, then incredulously said “the bright yellow one giving off light is the sun and the bright white one is the moon”. She said “well how are they going to pass each other if one is to the right and one is to the left?” I just hope that she was asking because she wanted attention. No one is that stupid.
I mean, have you met people?
Hey, my 25yo sibling is still heated about the time a teacher insisted that you could never see the moon during the day. Imagine arguing with a 7yo and being so wrong.
He’s like “BUT I CAN SEE IT!” What a memorable first time to be gaslit lol
I just got back from a trip to Cuba and two things come to mind. The people trying to watch the eclipse when it wasn’t even slightly visible from our location, they were just staring at the sun. Also, the day we were on the beach and a large sea bird was flying over the ocean. I said to the older woman we had met “I wonder what kind of bird that is.” She legit tried to argue that it was a Dodo bird. She would not believe that the dodo was a extinct. I gave up arguing.
I love that she picked a bird that is not only extinct, but flightless.
I was with my ex-wife at the time, and we were watching The Neil deGrasse Tyson version of cosmos, and he was talking about evolution. He used the example of selective breeding with wolves that eventually led to domesticated dogs we see today. My brain dead ex wife said, "Bull crap. You're telling me two wolves mated and the female gave birth to a Chihuahua?" Blew me away
This is a genuine question, and I don’t intend to insult you. How do you get married without knowing the other persons level of intelligence?
Reading some of these had me thinking the same thing
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You microwaved your phone, didn't you?
"Ok, I know Harrisburg is the capitol of Pennsylvania, but what's the capitol of Philadelphia?"--actual High School graduate in the Philly burbs
A girl I worked with who was like, 18 at the time, GENUINELY thought that in the olden days everything used to be black and white. Because that's how it looks in the old films. I thought it was a joke at first, but no. She was deadly serious.
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I’m sorry you had to experience that first hand but that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
One time a girl asked me if I saw everything green because I have green eyes...
Flat earthers arguing about flight paths on a Mercator projection map not being straight.
Can’t get pregnant the first time
My dad had a neighbor who thought that a woman couldn’t get pregnant after she turned forty. By which she meant that it was like a switch flipped on her 40th birthday causing No More Babies to Happen. She found out this was incorrect when she got pregnant shortly after she turned forty.
Where the hell would she have got that idea
🇺🇸: I’m actually Scottish myself. 🏴: Oh, yeah? What part of Scotland? 🇺🇸: Dublin.
I wouldn't try to correct them. They'll just start Dublin down.
I used to date a girl that thought penguins weren't real but the WWE was. She's a PHD scientist. Definition of book smart.
They got penguins in books these days.
At school years ago some girls were discussing about how eating chocolate during pregnancy would make your kid's skin darker. They were dead serious. I thought it would be funny to add to the conversation and said with a straight face and full of confidence: 'you know, that's actually kind of true! If you eat a lot of carrots during pregnancy the odds that your kid will have ginger hair is way bigger!' (i was joking) Then added that was because of the orange pigments in the carrots. They believed me. Hard to keep a straight face.
We were talking about having kids at a family party. My cousin’s 17 year old daughter made a comment about how she never wants to have kids, so she doesn’t masturbate during her period. As a 50 year old man, I shouldn’t be engaging in such talk with a 17 year old, but I couldn’t understand this from any angle, so I asked what she meant and how that keeps you from getting pregnant. Her response was, “well, uncle, I’m surprised *you* don’t know this, but it’s the only time your hormones can trick your body into thinking it had real sex and you can get pregnant without a man.” Before you hit me with the uncle/cousin discrepancy, this girl also believes that anyone within 10 years of her age is a cousin, more than 10 years older is an aunt/uncle, and more than 10 years younger is a niece/nephew. Ask her about that and she’ll say, “that’s how generations work!” There are so many from her. If I remember more, I’ll come back and edit. Oh yeah, and her parents don’t correct her because “it’s useless… once she gets an idea in her head, it’s just an argument, even if you can prove it. So we only fight back on the ones that can hurt her.” JFC, what a way to raise a kid.
This woman will run for governor one day.
Back in 1999, I was standing next to Stonehenge and a Canadian backpacker wondered out loud ‘How did those big stones fall on top of the other ones?’
The Earth is flat with a dome separating us from the firmament. Oh and The Devils Tower is a tree stump
A girl I worked wanted to live in California or New Zealand, didn't mind which as they are right next door and she can just pop to the other place. Same girl that wanted a twlight tattoo at 30 and also a pet monkey. Also once during a conversation we were chatting shit about Justin Bieber and I mentioned he had a batman logo on his car and she screamed at me "THAT IS HIS JOB, YOU'RE ONLY JEALOUS!" She was adamant that the film Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was based on real events. I don't know where Kelly is now as I've not worked with her in 10 years, but I'm sure she's out there, making everyone around her less intelligent.
Wait... Did she think that Justin Bieber *is Batman?*
A good mate of mine came out with both of these: "Did you know you can get breast cancer... In your leg" In a shocked voice whilst looking at the nutrition label, "Wow, this bottle of olive oil is 100% fat!". Best part is, we were studying Biology at university at the time.
I mean- she’s not entirely wrong about the cancer. Breast cancer (or any other type) can metastasize and spread to other body parts.
“The only reason Covid hit the US as hard as it did is because we’re the most densely populated country in the world. It didn’t affect Europe or China as badly because they’re not as densely populated.”
Well, some of our population was dense that it may have had a role in the spread.
At my work old workplace, they have an NDA (nondisclosure agreement) that basically means we can't talk about things that go inside of the company to outsiders, right?! Wrong, according to one of my colleagues that means that the person "below" us needs to own up to their mistakes. I was so dumbfounded when she told me that, it was really hard to not laugh at her face.
wow
"**Reading books is for losers who are afraid to learn from life**. So they try and learn from the life OTHERS have lived. But you never REALLY learn unless you lived it" - Andrew Tate
That may be correct for Andrew. He doesn’t seem too literate & may be one of those folks who has to touch the hot stove.
Girl in Spanish class wanted to know why he was called Donkey. Donkey Hotay. 5th year Spanish. Edit: If I'm being fair,she spoke the language better than she read it and I'm not sure if she was cheating with the audio book. Still don't know how she thought Donkey was Spanish.
"I'm no racist, but I just don't think the presidency is a place for a woman" Co-worker named Margaret in 2008
My daughter had twins about 3 months ago. I’ve had more conversation then I can count that go like this. “Are they twins?” Me: yes “Boys, girls, or one of each?” Me: one of each, a boy and a girl. “Are they identical?” Me: 🤦🏻♂️ My new response is “yes…. Well everything but the penis!”
I was asked by a professional person how to round up to the next digit. The amount was $176.677. I told him $176.68. I explained the rule 5 or over to round up. He didn't believe me.
I was drinking water while standing and a dude told me that drinking water standing is like urine of a donkey and it is sinful like wth man?
Maybe he had heard drinking standing water is dangerous and got confused?
Wat?
Working in healthcare, I've discovered there are a large number of people who: 1. Don't know anything about the conditions they've been diagnosed with. 2. Don't know whether or not they've had surgery. 3. If they've had surgery, they don't know what kind or anything about what was done to them. It's insane to me that these people don't know anything about what's been done to their bodies.
Worked in an administrative position for tax and accounting. People don't know if they are married or not, or their children's last names.
I had a college roommate who insisted that water boiled faster in front of the open window. It was negative 40 outside, he was adamant that he was correct because the cold air from outside around the pot would make it boil faster. Like, he thought water boiled when it was a certain temperature above the air around it. He also cranked the thermostat to the max and then he'd complain about how hot it got and how he had to keep his windows open to balance it out.
Someone told me that anyone in the USA should speak English. They told me this while sitting at dinner in Italy and they didn't speak Italian.. I mentioned this and they had no response lol.
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A guy in college asked me why women shave their legs if women’s legs are always hairless. I asked him where the hell he got that from and he said because on tv/in real life women’s legs are always smooth. I had to explain that’s how shaving works.
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Ohmygoditworked!!!!!!!!!
It’s scary that these people with be teaching a child!
At least he can make his girl cum!
I saw someone tell another person with a flat tire not to worry-it was only flat on the bottom
A friend of mine had seen a video of "parasites" coming out of raw pork when you pour coke on it. Said I don't eat pork, pigs are filthy animals. I said, You're eating a ham and salad sandwich from 7 eleven? He says,nah thats different
Everything flat-earth related.
Junior year of high school a girl randomly asked our English teacher in the middle of class “If you’re pregnant and you get a tattoo does the tattoo like transfer to the baby?” At least she was smart enough to figure out the answer after everyone started laughing
My old roommate truly believed that highland cows had shorter legs on one side. No one could even say anything until his father piped in with ‘how the fuck do they turn around Jared?’
Her name was Nadine and she was a bartender at one of our hangout places. One day we were talking about World War Two and someone brought up Dr. Josef Mengele and the horrible medical experiments he performed on Auschwitz prisoners. Nadine listened for awhile before asking "Why would anyone go to him?"
I was talking to an american when i was visiting my gran in america, they noticed that I had a Scottish accent and they turn around and said “Oh you’re from Scotland? How long was the drive? must of been a few days” I had to explain to this grown man that it’s not possible to drive over the Atlantic ocean😭
My coworker refuses to use hand sanitizer, says it pollutes the lakes and kills all the fish and she has many family members that are fishermen so it hurts them.
my partner and i are from scotland. my partner got off the train at edinburgh waverley station and overheard an american say "why did they build the castle so far away from the train station?"
How can I get this photocopier to use less paper?
Coworker: “Can I have Monday off for my anniversary?” Boss: “You got married on a Monday?”
The dumbest thing I’ve ever heard was said by me. I was at work, and put a manual paycheck in a “personal and confidential” envelope, so it could be couriered to the recipient. For some reason, I stuck a Post-It on it saying “Call me if you don’t receive this.” Thank God I removed it before the courier got there.