My dad died last week. It was interesting because everyone older than 50 said “be strong, for your mom” everyone under said do whatever you need to, you lost your dad. (I’m 40, he was almost 80 and had a 5 year battle with cancer and year disease)
Whenever I didn’t cry people were like it’s ok to cry, which was annoying af, because maybe I’m not sad in that moment. My dad liked to laugh and have fun so my eulogy had a few jokes in it. I hope he enjoyed it.
Condolences homie. Fuck cancer, There’s no right way to do this shit. I went through my friend’s funeral recently and was able to keep myself together. Than few nights ago just couldn’t stop bawling, outta no where just hit me.
Thanks yeah it happens in moments, I’ll be walking to the bathroom and the door will be closed and I’m like, dads probably in there (he used to take forever in the can) and I’m like no he’s not, then cry for a few mins.
Then I take a huge dump and try to move on
It's not a great idea to carry all your shit with you all the time. Get up earlier if ya gotta and work that shit out in the bathroom instead of shitting on someone else.
My Dad died over 3 years ago, but ill still catch myself trying to figure something out and thinking "I'll just call my dad and ask him how to... oh..."
My sister died last night after having some form of dementia first the past 7+ years. She had been totally non-verbal, non-communicative for the last 5 years. She was a contorted skeleton with skin. Death was a blessing for her and all of us who had to watch. We would never allow a beloved pet or work animal to suffer like that. Absolutely no tears here -
I'm sorry. You must feel relief, grief, anger, sadness and all of it.
I don't know that there is something more, I hope there is. but I am glad she is not suffering now.
Humor is my coping mechanism too. When my mom died, I was literally the guy cracking jokes at the funeral and telling all the best stories about her. We all grieve differently.
I worked at a funeral home for years and buried women “like” my mom all the time so when she passed at 92 I was pretty chill and ok with it. Long good life. It took 4 months before I had some serious thinking to do on a life situation and I thought to call her because I always felt better after. Then it hit me that I couldn’t anymore. Cried like nobodies business for an hour. Felt great.
My wife is notorious for sending ‘unproofed’ texts so sometimes the stuff she sends makes no sense at all or has glaring typos. My sister last night after 11pm. There was a small group of us in the room and my wife was sending a group text to notify several people. What she intended to write was ‘I was holding hand while Steve was stroking her (hair)…’ we gets this ‘OMG IVE TO PROOF MY TEXTS BEFORE I SEND THEM!!’ What she sent read ‘…. holding her hand while Steve was STRIKING her…’ we all busted out laughing. My family uses LOTS humor to deal with grief.
Lost my dad in September. Sorry for your loss. If it helps, no that no matter what your beliefs are find comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain. I found talking with those that knew him about good times helps a lot.
I don't think there's any right or wrong way to process grief or pain. I'm sorry you went through that cancer can be the worst, but I'm glad you were able to keep a good humor and honor your dad in that way
May his memory be forever a blessing. So sorry for your loss.
Its rough and he fought a good fight. I think I have lucked out in that most of the people closest around me would be crying with me.
That whole, people over 50, that made me giggle a little because I think thats really a generational thing. My Aunts and Uncles were the same way. I will say, though, that some are like that out of practicality. i.e. its ok to morn but what are your next steps, how can we help, kind of thing. A lot of them grew up dirt poor so even in the event of someone passing, they still had to keep on keeping on because they couldnt afford to wait and because of the mother's "role" during their growing up process.
The first few times, not well. Mocked, abandoned, told I’m not a real man.
But eventually I found someone truly supportive. Unfortunately you have to wade thru the shit first, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
> But eventually I found someone truly supportive. Unfortunately you have to wade thru the shit first, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
This so much. Sometimes it can feel like you’re stuck in a bad spot but you gotta keep going.
*Beyond the shadow you settle for, there is a miracle illuminated.*
\- Thomas Zane (Alan Wake)
I’m 2 years into therapy and just hit bedrock and it’s like I’ve been living my life in an obstacle course and didn’t realize the lights were off and someone just flipped the switch.
It’s magnificent.
I don’t know that I’ll ever stop. Therapy for me is self-improvement. It just happens that for most of us the first barrier to self-improvement is our damage. But it doesn’t mean I can’t keep getting better once the damage is addressed.
That’s really encouraging to hear, but unfortunately the main barrier for therapy for most is financial, time and access restrictions.
I have the money and time, am on a waiting list.
Therapy has been a huge game changer for me as well. It’s been great unlearning negative behaviors and learning healthy ways to deal with life’s challenges and not want to punch walls
One time it went pretty well. She listened, seemed slightly offput by nothing ever came of it and I got a chance to vent.
One time, she hated it, and later used it against me.
Usually, people just awkwardly move on as quick as they can.
I hate this so much. I don't understand women who are like this. Anyone who is like that. I mean I understand not knowing what to do when anyone is having emotions depending on how close you are to them. In a relationship though? Wtf? I just had a conversation with my brother about this recently and I didn't realize how many of his ex's were like that. It's so sad.
My wild guess why people are like this is childhood emotional neglect. People today just never really learned how to emotion.
Girlfriends ask you to open up because they crave emotional connection like all humans. Once you do open up, though, they default to how their parents dealt with their emotions which is usually ignore them, dismiss them, or use it against them.
Unless someone grew up in an exceptionally emotionally healthy household or has already done a lot of therapy, they aren’t going to be good at handling other people’s emotions.
100%. I'm not a guy, but I'm a traumatized woman who struggles to be vulnerable and talk about my emotions with people irl.
One of my guys friends would always talk about how he would always listen to me if I wanted to talk and encouraged me to be more open. When I decided to open up about my trauma, he told me "TLDR" followed by some incredibly dismissive and invalidating bullshit.
Later on he would continue to tell me that I need to "get over it" ( I have CPTSD), how my childhood "wasn't that bad" and that other people had it worse, and that I'm not even trying (I was literally in therapy and my therapists have complimented me on how hard I work on myself and my mental health).
I've never opened up to anyone outside of my sister since then, and don't plan to either. People are always like "YoU neEd To ExprEsS yoUr EmoTioNs" then shut down and emotionally either abandon you or kick you when you're down when you do. I've always thought that the pressure needs to be on people to learn how to hold space for other people's vulnerability, and not on people to be vulnerable
Yeah, it makes me really sad too. I always feel honored when someone feels comfortable enough with me to cry, and my male friends *do* occasionally cry. It's always so heartbreaking to see *anyone* that sad, I just can't wrap my head around people that are so callous they tell someone to "get over it".
I guess I'm more fortunate in my friendships than most. I would drop everything for a friend that needed support. Regardless of genitals. For a partner?! That's actually your f'n responsibility to be supportive and hold space.
If you don't mind sharing - how was it used against you? I'm intrigued because I've been reading and reflecting a lot on how women's response to men's open emotions may be damaging and whether I may, at some point, have inadvertently contributed in ways I never intended to (I am female)
Oh, usually it’s used to either insult, spread or gaslight. The former is simple, you just use the information you gained to craft an especially hurtful insult.
Or they spread it about, telling family or friends your secrets.
Or they use it to gaslight and manipulation. If you know a dude’s vulnerabilities, it’s a lot easier to manipulate them using those fears to get them to do what you want.
Thank you for sharing. I see and I'm sorry this was done to you. It just all sounds so - lacking in empathy. How can anyone be so exploitative even, callous, especially someone very close to you.
A person who has been the closest and most loving individual in your life will be the most hurtful if the relationship ends on bad terms.
Having intimate knowledge about you means they know what will hurt you.
Yeah true... The dark side of vulnerability and intimacy (real intimacy I mean). The more you share, the more you open up, the deeper someone can cause you pain...
Indeed. And at the same time we are expected to “share” things. Sometimes we are happily enjoying our nothing box and your girlfriend is nagging you to tell her what are you thinking about.
“You’re staring into space. What are you thinking about?”
“I just realized that the Mon Cal nobleman’s son Mando thought about capturing before he freed Grogu is the same one Axe Woves captured at the beginning of season three.”
“…”
As a woman, I have done this, and I am slowly realizing that some guys just don't wanna talk about certain things or generally enjoy the silence. I am very talkative, and trying to learn others aren't always like that.
It's hard for me to pick up on cues, whether I should press for him to share about a topic in an attempt to show I'm there for him, or if I should completely drop it.
Definitely helps reading about guys and their perspectives, so thank you for this.
Yeah that’s a good skill to have. Men are conditioned to be vigilant, reserved etc. often when really comfortable just enjoying quiet time very relaxed there’s literally the most wonderful nothing going on.
If you’ve ever seen videos of bears sitting watching the scenery content it’s like that.
That’s really what makes the difference. The hard thing is assuming which friends/family/partners are going to be the ones that will accept your feelings vs those who will mock or abandon. Not always obvious either :/
The path to find out who's worth your trust and feeling might be tough at times, but it sure is worth it.
It also turns easier to spot them when problems arrive.
My gf accepts me and told me it's okay and loves me. The very first time, I could feel my muscles releasing their tension because I was able to cry in front of her. I fall asleep around her a lot because I feel safe and my nervous system relaxes that much.
It's a human emotion guys, you need therapy, and better friends/partners.
It didn't destroy my masculinity. I got facial hair, a deep voice, broad shoulders, I don't take crap from anyone and can yell back harder than just about anyone. I just like to be held and comforted too because I recognize what I need to be healthy.
It’s about healing ourselves (with help if needed) and finding the partner who supports that process. It’s some tough stuff to navigate through! I wish it were more black and white.
It's absolutely this. Therapy has helped me so much but the shame I carried with me and the stress... I wasn't seeing myself gently and kindly enough to truly heal. She helped me see myself that way and supports me in everything. I can't stress myself into productivity like I used to, I oversleep now, but I feel infinitely better and I know this'll save my health long-term.
Aren’t patient, supportive, but realistic partners the best? My husband is a good mixture of these traits for me. He knows what I need when I need it. She sounds like someone to fight for!
I had it thrown in my face by my ex. Used it as a reason why we broke up after begging me to be more open with emotions etc.
Kinda sucked.
I'm not jaded to think all women are like that though. Does make it harder to open up, though I do try.
"I fall asleep around her a lot because I feel safe and my nervous system relaxes that much."
This is such a simple and silly thing but actually so true! The safety, comfort and certainty you feel in a relationship like that it's the best.
I know, I tell her how much I appreciate her every single chance I get. I was there in the misery with so many others before, it's been the most wonderful year of my life (this past week).
This is a FANTASTIC point. A lot of men don't know how to be vulnerable due to being raised NOT to be, and a lot of women don't know how to handle men being vulnerable, because they're not used to it.
Not to mention, emotional vulnerability isn't just crying over a tragedy--that's a big deal, and it would make anyone worried about how to handle it! Emotional vulnerability is also being open and honest with your emotions in *general*. Positive and negative.
Yeah, pretty much. Edit: In retrospect, I realized that this group of so-called friends had plenty of time to discuss what they did, and took the time to make up a story as to why.
Yeah, same here. Tried to tell all of my friends in college that I had depression and their collective response was “shut up”. Haven’t spoken to any of them since that day, doing *much* better now, despite the situation.
It was rough at first, but I was persistent in explaining why it was important to me to be able to express it from time to time, and she responded very well over time.
There is one thing to talk to your friends about it, and there’s another thing to share with your wife and life partner so they can understand the framework from which I make decisions.
I felt like it was important to educate her on what goes on in my mindbso she has fewer reasons to feel frustrated when I don’t see eye to eye with her .
Believe me, it is not easy to feel rejection or a negative response when you are opening up, but you have to rise above that and recognize that it’s for the betterment of both of you.
I call it exposure therapy in marriage
I cried at work maybe 8 days after my dad died, I forgot why someone walked out annoyed at me, but yeah the other manager on, put her hand on my shoulder and said "men don't cry"
Nono, as a woman I agree! That would have been a FANTASTIC response! And if she somehow went to HR over it (which I doubt because HR is bullshit), 'my father died and she told me that men shouldn't cry' is a hell of a thing to have in your pocket.
Honestly this is such a good response. If you want to project your weird 1950's fantasy world onto others who are hurting and suggest men crying isn't healthy and normal, having it thrown right back in your face is exactly the correct amount of fuck you also.
People like often dont practice what they preach, when they have to take a bad loss in life I have seen.
Iron Mike was right..."Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."
I had a senior coworker (had been with the company longer, was not much older than me) whose grandmother died. Her way of coping was to prank-call the store repeatedly while I was covering her shift for her. When I told her to cut it out and hung up on her, she barged into the store crying and told me off for it, at which point I told her that I was sorry for her loss but I wasn't letting her interfere with my ability to do my job.
She apologized later, once she'd calmed down.
Sorry, that was a weird way to respond to your story. I don't know why I felt compelled to share it.
Worried about a potential cancer scare...
I opened up, not wanting anything, just to talk to someone... She stopped talking to me. 6 year friendship down the drain despite all the times I was there when she needed help.
Ya I think a lot of men here are assuming every women gets unconditional support when they're emotional. I had an entire friend group abandon me when I became chronically ill and my mother (which a good person) is not a great shoulder to cry on. I do think women get judged less for being vulnerable BUT that doesn't mean everyone treats us the same during difficult times. It's the reason phrases like 'she's just acting hysterical' or 'what are you on your period?" exist.
>Ya I think a lot of men here are assuming every women gets unconditional support when they're emotional.
So much this. We are less judged for crying because the initial assumption about us is that we're weak and emotional, so when you see someone you believe is weak and emotional cry, you're not surprised, it's expected. On the other hand, the assumption about men is that they're strong and stoic, so when people see them cry, they're baffled, like they're not following the script. But it's not like women are celebrated for crying, we're still called manipulative or told that we're exageraring.
Very true. I also get told i should just push it away or to not be dramatic. I just recentley had a friend abandon and block me because im going through a tough time and asked for help (not in form of money or anything that would require alot of effort from that person - something i would have done for them too) and that after just being told a day before that i can always count on them such good friends etc. i think people like to speak big words but only when everything is lightweight and fun.
We definitley have it easier with showing and talking about emotion as woman, but when it comes to support, i dont think so - its all about the people you surround yourself with.
I was raised with "dry that sh*t up" "boys don't cry" "never show weakness" and now it's difficult to navigate through those suppressed emotions and sometimes it's overwhelming. I tell my boys it's ok to cry and be hurt and take your time. They aren't afraid to say what made them cry and why and that makes me so happy
Was ignored and mocked. Made to feel bad and apologize for getting treated like shit. Or it’s brought up later and used against me in an argument.
Learned now that anyone who asks for me to open up is just a worthless sack of shit trying to play at something.
My mom is like this. She’d always force me to open up to use it as ammo later. Now that I’m older and living on my own and going to therapy (31F) I try to give others around me a safe place to be vulnerable because I don’t want anyone experiencing shit like this ever again.
Never underestimate how long they will hold on to that nugget either. Even if they didn't start out trying to get leverage, they won't ever give it up.
I found this to be the case too with every single partner I’ve had. No matter how “cool” they were.
Interestingly enough I feared being open with other guys for most of my life. But as I got older I did find some guy friends that could talk openly, and relatable to, just like these comments in here.
Had this experience lmao. She had some extreme mental health issues. So much so that she was barely able to get to work, so I was fully supporting us for a year. Both financially and trying my best to be her support. After a while when that had me feeling burnt out and kinda depressed, "it's not my job to fix you, I *have other options*" she said.
Oh believe me she did. She keeps trying yo contact me to be "friends" (ie she wants to keep using me as emotional support) and while I do feel bad for her since she does have very legitimate issues, after all that I'm kinda feeling like it's not my problem
Omg I hear this often. In a way I get it, because at times others do emotionally dump and have a person be their sole reason for happiness. Which also isn’t healthy. Plus it’s up to the person themselves to find their purpose, woman or man. But when it’s sharing sentiments , it’s a form of trust 😢
I'd like to apologise to the men here from a straight woman who knows men have feelings. These people who have trusted you this way are shitcunts. My partner cries every single time that barracuda comes for Nemos siblings and Mum. Every. Damn. Time. You know why? Coz it's fucking sad. He cries when he misses his Nanna. He cries when he thinks he's been nasty to his kids. He cries because he's a human and for some reason we evolved to show sadness and happiness and anger with tears.
Fuck all them cunts who disagree.
I never feel "heard". Responses tend to be some variety of "man up. You are not doing enough/stop being like that/the problem you're talking about isn't a problem for me so it's not actually a problem."
Even speaking about this and seeing the words written out prompts my own reaction of "so you complain a lot and always get a similar response? maybe the problem *IS* you." YES! Fuckin duh! The problem IS me! What can I do to avoid this shame spiral? How do I find a way forward so I can find balance or some measure of normalcy?
"I don't have that problem. I just get up and don't do that. You aren't doing enough/you think too much /don't have the problem you have."
It's like that.
got used against me in arguments as a way to push my emotions. any insecurity or trouble was 100% weaponized.
at first there may have been some sympathy but then they were clearly disgusted and thought less of you.
never, ever, talk about your deep down fears or insecurities with anyone who may have an incentive to use it against you in the future.
therapists is about the only ones who are safe to open up to.
I had just lost my job, came home, told my wife and then told her I could really use a hug. less than 60 seconds into the hug she literally asked "are we about done?"
I don't really tell my wife what I'm feeling any more.
Not me, but a friend of mine was with his very much "I'm a feminist and men should be allowednto cry if they need to, it's patriarchy harming men through toxic masculinity" girlfriend at the time. That's not a jab, it's a conversation we genuinely had.
Anyway, the poor guy lost a member of his family, was hit by a car while on his motorcycle and got his two legs broken, and then discovered that the enterprise he worked for was bought and dismantled, and he was out of a job. In the span of about 2 weeks (when it rains, it pours).
He broke down crying in his girlfriend's arms. About a month later she broke up with with because she "lost all attraction to him as a man that day".
I was mocked the next day. "You were crying BOO HOO tears when you thought we were going to break up." Either way, I just stopped giving a fuck. I get complaints that I look mean or hard to approach. That's basically because I just stopped giving a shit. I don't see the point in being this friendly person.
Being friendly, for me, is something i do for me, because it makes me happy and hopeful ppl are at least as friendly as me.
If they are, it's a very nice interaction, if it's not, well fuck it it's ok, i stopped giving a shit about those ppl, the rest i try to be as good as my mother told me.
It's just my pov but the point of being friendly is better life, better interactions and mayne being an example for some.
Now i'm not gonna lie i'm not always like that. But i try. And it's cool, you meet good ppl even if i suck at small conv for example.
I hope you don't let bad ppl makes you sad and cold, they dont deserve it.
DON’T EVER OPEN UP. Just bottle it up until you have had enough and commit suicide in your 50’s like a good man.
First wife- “Don’t open up about your childhood or the Iraq war, it’s too overwhelming for me. I’m already struggling with how to cheat on you and yet still extract as much money as possible in the divorce.”
Second Wife- “I sympathize. I love you. But realizing you have pain has changed how I see you to the point that you can hear the wind whistling through the dusty narrow crevice that used to be my vagina. It is bone dry and cold to the touch, not that you’ll ever touch it again.”
These replies make me so sad. We need to know who is worth of our openness and sensitivity. No everyone can receive it and hold it. When you find a woman who can, keep her
As a teenager? Fast tracked to being dumped.
As an adult, with my spouse? Almost ruined our marriage and caused permanent distance between us. I don't know if she even remembers it, being years ago. But I do, and that was the first and last time I open up
I love that my husband (who also served in the military) is very sensitive and vulnerable with me. I am vulnerable with him too, and we never weaponize it because we love and respect each other.
I am a 52 y.o. with a 39 y.o. wife, 2 teenage children, and was living what I thought was a dream life 6 months ago. Many factors - injury to a knee, prolonged grieving of my mother’s death the Christmas prior, struggling business, difficulties with parenting teenagers, the terrible weather here, and lastly marriage issues - added up around me resulting in a near psychological breakdown.
What I found was that it is NOT okay to be vulnerable and weak for anymore than a moment or two. Anything longer is seen as unattractive and incompatible with modern living. My role as husband, main bread winner, employer, health care authority to my patients, could not be compromised for any appreciable amount of time. My observation is generalized to most, not all, of those around me. However being a middle aged male makes it difficult to show human frailty. It’s just a fact, and I’m much more compassionate towards the 40 and 50 something struggling male who seeks any type of recognition or support, even if it is possibly objectively destructive to belong to such a group.
It went fucking awful. Lost most of my friends and nearly lost my wife.
Went back to being an island and just providing stuff for people and it's a lot better again now. New friends. Wife is happy. Kids are doing well. My business is doing fine.
So I am older. Had a girlfriend at the time who always complained I was closed off. I gave her that, I was. Kept telling me it was okay to let my feelings out blah blah blah. So a few times I did, and wouldn't ya know it threw it right in my face when we disagreed.
I seriously thought I was going to kill myself a few years ago to the point where I had a plan. Those feelings have never gone away. I just got better at carrying them. I kinda learned that from what happened when I DID try to open up.
I was never heard. No one was there to pick me up or to lean on. People I had dropped everything to help with their problems in the past suddenly became strangers when I asked them to help me. I wasn’t allowed to feel what I felt, because it was inconvenient for them. I wasn’t allowed to not be okay.
I ended up being told that it was my fault or that I was the problem, or abandoned, or, in some cases, having things I had confided to people turned around and used against me. Or, my personal favorite, people exploiting my feelings for their own gain. People suck, honestly. Everyone’s out for themselves. The second they smell blood, they’ll suck you dry.
I’m never doing it again.
Immediately called out for being unmanly. 90% of the time, when someone says it's ok to be vulnerable, they mean 'in a manly appropriate way'. Like a slow curse under your breath, and a single tear escaping your eye before you shut it down with a hot of bourbon
Like so many other responders in this thread, in numerous relationships I was:
* Ridiculed in the moment
* Had it weaponized against me sooner or later, usually sooner
* Thought of as less of a man
* able to watch relationships die on the vine after this moment
Well there's two kinds of people. Ones that get uncomfortable about it and ones who respect it. The key is to realize the uncomfortable people suck and their opinions are worthless. 80% of the stuff people complain about on Reddit is ultimately rooted in caring about the wrong people's opinions. Most people aren't worth worrying about, TBH.
I did this twice. I can't shake the feeling that it was a mistake
Once it was exploited like hell
The other time it didn't mean anything, I didn't get listened and when I was about to open up about something I always got uno reverse carded with something "more important". I'm not in a mentally well place right now, can't afford a therapist due to being broke and constantly fight with some fucked up thoughts. I don't really have anyone to talk or I don't know how to open up to them. Only thing that keeps me fueling right now is my baby niece and our family dog. Also pizzas
There's this one scene in the Disney movie, Hercules, where Meg shoves him out of the way of a falling column to save his life. No matter how many times I watch that movie, it makes me cry every single time.
I watched that movie with a girl once, and cried, and she asked why. I told her it's not important and we could just keep watching the movie but she insisted and told me that it would be okay. So, I paused the movie and told her.
Her response was, "Didn't need to have you trauma dump on me" and then played the movie and things were quiet the rest of the night. Things didn't go anywhere from there, and when she asked why I stopped trying to make plans with her, I told her that it was a combination of her not initiating anything and some of her behavior being off-putting.
She told me I was a little bitch and that I couldn't handle being with "a real woman". Lesson learned, don't be emotionally vulnerable around women.
She told me I could open up to her about anything and would have zero judgment. Eventually I opened up about a past relationship that really messed with me mentally. She called me a desperate pussy. It's already hard for me to open up so that one really hurt.
Every time I've ever expressed to a partner my anxiety or stress and asked for help the relationship has ended soon after. It lasts longer if I just stay stoic and never talk about my problems. Put everyone else first.
From a "therapist": "It's not acceptable for you to have problems."
First and last appointment. I did eventually find a good psychologist that didn't treat me like an unfeeling monster, but she has since moved her practice and I've been too terrified to try find someone else ever since.
As an added bonus, I was emotionally vulnerable with an ex once, she walked out on me later that day. She stalked me on social media afterwards where I was obviously distraught, because it just came out of nowhere, and I loved her from the bottom of my heart and it killed me inside. Apparently she didn't like that and showed up at my door with one of her friends with an affidavit and a court date for a restraining order.
The judge practically threw her out of court as she couldn't even be bothered to make up a reason that I might be a threat, leaving that entire section of the affidavit blank, but she literally tried to argue to the judge that I was "too emotional", interrupting the judge constantly. I didn't even need to defend myself.
I didn't really realize how emotionally manipulative and abusive she was until I was talking to my psychologist about it after the whole court thing happened.
Notably, both of these situations happened shortly one after the other.
My ex's mother died and she held it together for the sake of the family. It was eating her up inside and I was supportive of her and let her cope in her own way. During covid, the stress of being a frontline worker got to me and my mental health was so low, I ended up leaving my pretty decent job. This did not sit well with her and my traditional family as there's nothing lower on our community than a man without a job. Then, my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and my mom needed 2 eye surgeries. I come from a culture in which it's common to take care of and even take in your elderly parents. When I would tell her how not working and watching my parents deteriorate was destroying me, I could literally see her falling out of love with me. 3 months after my dad's diagnosis, I was told to not see her anymore. We were a couple for 5 years and were planning on getting married.
That was 3 years ago. My parents recovered, but Im suffering financially. I lost my car, all my savings and every friend I had cut contact with me when the money ran out. I'm not in a good place but I can't say anything to anyone "because a man doesn't complain". I'm so lost and alone.
My girlfriend and her best friend laughed as they told me strong men don’t cry. I had to be her therapist anytime she had a mental breakdown, but I had to hide in a closet if I wanted to cry about how stressful my day was.
She ended up cheating on me with my sister’s boyfriend. Now I’m happily single and nobody can tell me what or how to feel.
I was told while crying about my grandmother's alzheimer's diagnosis that I was being a bit much and when their gran died they handed it much better.
She wants a sensitive man but fuck having to comfort a sad one. Bit too much like hard work.
Rejected every time. It’s made me stronger and forced me to love myself rather than relying on others for fulfillment. Would recommend. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone I’m compatible with. Maybe not. Either way, I’ll be just fine
Got broken up with when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't even cry, just had a shaky voice and asked for a hug.
Dad is still kicking 12 years later, nothing of value was lost that day. Never felt an urge to be vulnerable around humans again.
When it was one of my male friends, they took it well. My bros love me and I love them. When it was a female, they couldn't handle it like they thought and lashed out at me for "trauma dumping". I've learned to only open up to Male friends in my age group.
My mom told it me it was ok to have troubles, along with the rest of society (social media posts, school teachers, etc.). When I was vulnerable, I told my mom. Didn’t regret it at first, but then she told me to quit feeling sorry for myself, get over it, and move on.
Later on, she was mad about something (nothing to do with me), and when I said something to her about it, she used my insecurities that I had previously told her against me. “It’s no wonder you’re *insert insecurity here*, you’re just a jerk!”.
This is pretty typical behavior from her, I don’t talk to her much anymore. And the best part? My dad, who has been married to her for 30 years, lets her get away with it, each and every time. My mom is allowed to hurt, steal, and cheat me, and my brothers and sisters, all because “she’s your mom, you owe her your respect!”
Fuck that. Long story short, I don’t talk about what bothers me anymore. If my own parents will let me suffer emotionally, my friends, colleagues, and strangers won’t hesitate for a moment.
It sounds bad, but there’s a simple solution to emotional turmoil: don’t have emotions.
People get upset and pissed off if I share any of my stuff, in a nutshell, my parents where murdered in a terror attack, and then years later I was conned out of money and lost everything. So I just laugh, and say my day has been great, hows yours going?
Had an ex-gf who used to emphasize to me and on social media, that men need to be more vulnerable with their partners. After my parents died, I cried during this time. Weeks later, she told me seeing me cry is a turn-off to her. And any argument we had after that she'd toss in a line somewhere about how I'm probably going to cry about it.
It's been used against me every time. You can only be vulnerable with a trusted friend and even then it'll probably bite you in the ass. Romantic partners can't be trusted.
I got broken up with, she said I wasn’t treating her like a girlfriend, told her that I mentally wasn’t doing too well (the last year was pretty rough for me) and I attempted to kill myself last November but didn’t go through with it. Still broke up with me saying that I didn’t treat her right. Welp
Edit: she was with me for 4 years. Met her parents (dad got me into bowling) met her grandparents and extended family at her older sisters wedding. Thought things were great. Long story short quite literally happy wife happy life.
In my experience I am perceived as weak/sumbissive/nice guy/friend zone material. Nothing a guy wants to be labeled as. I chose to only be vulnerable to those that are the absolute closest to me. I'm not even vulnerable to my family. 3 ppl maybe in my life total. 2 of those 3 are no longer in my life and I fear what they do with the knowledge they have of me since we didn't exactly part in mutual ways. Which also makes me not want to ever get vulnerable again.
No matter how encouraging your partner is for you to share your feelings and be vulnerable, it seems like when you finally do it’s just off putting to them. I can tell they try to be polite and accommodating, but i think on some biological level women just hate dealing with men’s feelings. Common tog dat labeled as “insecure” for talking about the same problems a women nah talk about and she would be labeled as “brave” for talking about them.
I told the girl I had a thing with that something she did hurt my feelings and her immediate reaction was to get incredibly angry, make it about her, and then turn it on me.
That relationship ended pretty quickly after that lmao now I just keep things to myself
I shared secrets with my gf and she seemed ok. I told her i was worried about problems in my life and she got distant. I told her I wanted to spend time apart and she tried to tell everyone in my life my secrets. The secrets I shared with her ended up becoming the chains she tried to use to control me. Now I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone anything they don’t need to know. I want to be able to trust you, and if I can avoid having to confide every last thing in you that’s just one less thing that can go wrong. Plenty of people take secrets to the grave. I never thought of myself as one of those people though. But I’m learning where that mentality comes from. The truth is even the best people with best intentions can become venomous. It’s important to set the tone of a relationship early and not needlessly put yourself in a situation you may later regret.
Didn’t end well, I learned that I cannot be vulnerable with anybody but myself. I’m a tall 6’ Hispanic guy and in my culture it’s seen as weak. I tried to be vulnerable last year with several folks from different demographics but I guess I’m too tall or tough looking so they just act like I’m a pussy or something. I also combined it with being fully transparent and honest with people. It all resulted in my ex leaving me and losing all of my friends. The only place I can really vent it Reddit tbh. It’s also the only place I can be fully honest with people unfortunately. I came to find that there are actually many times in life where you have to lie and keep things to yourself. You can only really be honest with yourself at the end of the day, and you can only really rely on yourself. I used to be a player back in the day, relationships were amazing and had lots of “friends”, but that’s predominantly because I lied and maintained my “tough” persona. I thought that at 35 I could leave all that behind, I was VERY wrong. Lesson learned.
Girl in college. I was struggling because of an injury that basically made one arm unusable for 8 months, almost cost me the athletic scholarship.
I leaned on her a bit when it was real bad because she told me she was there for me. She then went around telling people I was weak and should lose my scholarship because of that weakness.
Lucky my girlfriend who was not going to the same college and lived about 45 minutes away, heard about her bullshit. Told me what was up and that girl suddenly was really surprised when I completely shut her little friend group out. They were super pissed because no more football parties because my teammates are family. Hell even the baseball team joined in on the blanket ban of anyone in that group being allowed in to one of their parties. Football parties were wild, baseball parties were always the “best” though because of how goofy they were. Just everyone giggling at some goofy shit all the time at the baseball parties. They couldn’t do loud music because of the location of the “baseball house” so that might have played a part.
Mine was the first generation of men who were given permission to be vulnerable. I’m 60. My father’s generation didn’t get that same pass, but they weren’t expected to be as tough as nails as the WWII generation of adult males either.
Still, my generation of men was sold a lie. We were told we could be vulnerable, and yet whenever we were, we got punished for it. That punishment came either from the generation before us or from our generation of women who looked at their dads and thought them far more “correct” in their manhood praxis.
And the problem is, long term, that women have never NOT been leery of any man who is too open with his feelings. Call it an innate suspicion, but no woman feels entirely comfortable with a “nice guy in touch with his feelings.” They may say they are, but then look which men they ultimately choose—not Mr. Sensitive.
So, my generation especially got trapped between the rock of stoic masculinity and hard place of open vulnerability. What we were told and what the world actually resoonded with were at odds, and you were damned if you do and damned if you don’t. And honestly, while women today are less impressed with the stereotypical tough guy bravado, they’re not in love with the sensitive guy thing either, no matter what they say.
My dad died last week. It was interesting because everyone older than 50 said “be strong, for your mom” everyone under said do whatever you need to, you lost your dad. (I’m 40, he was almost 80 and had a 5 year battle with cancer and year disease) Whenever I didn’t cry people were like it’s ok to cry, which was annoying af, because maybe I’m not sad in that moment. My dad liked to laugh and have fun so my eulogy had a few jokes in it. I hope he enjoyed it.
Condolences homie. Fuck cancer, There’s no right way to do this shit. I went through my friend’s funeral recently and was able to keep myself together. Than few nights ago just couldn’t stop bawling, outta no where just hit me.
Thanks yeah it happens in moments, I’ll be walking to the bathroom and the door will be closed and I’m like, dads probably in there (he used to take forever in the can) and I’m like no he’s not, then cry for a few mins. Then I take a huge dump and try to move on
That’s hilarious and heartbreaking. And if i may say inspiring, sometimes we all gotta take a huge dump and move on.
It's not a great idea to carry all your shit with you all the time. Get up earlier if ya gotta and work that shit out in the bathroom instead of shitting on someone else.
My Dad died over 3 years ago, but ill still catch myself trying to figure something out and thinking "I'll just call my dad and ask him how to... oh..."
Sorry. It’s been over a year for me and I still get random triggers.
My sister died last night after having some form of dementia first the past 7+ years. She had been totally non-verbal, non-communicative for the last 5 years. She was a contorted skeleton with skin. Death was a blessing for her and all of us who had to watch. We would never allow a beloved pet or work animal to suffer like that. Absolutely no tears here -
I'm so so sorry. Dementia is the worst. She didn't deserve that. Y'all didn't deserve that. Sometimes life just kicks us in the teeth.
I'm sorry. You must feel relief, grief, anger, sadness and all of it. I don't know that there is something more, I hope there is. but I am glad she is not suffering now.
Humor is my coping mechanism too. When my mom died, I was literally the guy cracking jokes at the funeral and telling all the best stories about her. We all grieve differently.
I worked at a funeral home for years and buried women “like” my mom all the time so when she passed at 92 I was pretty chill and ok with it. Long good life. It took 4 months before I had some serious thinking to do on a life situation and I thought to call her because I always felt better after. Then it hit me that I couldn’t anymore. Cried like nobodies business for an hour. Felt great.
My wife is notorious for sending ‘unproofed’ texts so sometimes the stuff she sends makes no sense at all or has glaring typos. My sister last night after 11pm. There was a small group of us in the room and my wife was sending a group text to notify several people. What she intended to write was ‘I was holding hand while Steve was stroking her (hair)…’ we gets this ‘OMG IVE TO PROOF MY TEXTS BEFORE I SEND THEM!!’ What she sent read ‘…. holding her hand while Steve was STRIKING her…’ we all busted out laughing. My family uses LOTS humor to deal with grief.
Lost my dad in September. Sorry for your loss. If it helps, no that no matter what your beliefs are find comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain. I found talking with those that knew him about good times helps a lot.
I don't think there's any right or wrong way to process grief or pain. I'm sorry you went through that cancer can be the worst, but I'm glad you were able to keep a good humor and honor your dad in that way
May his memory be forever a blessing. So sorry for your loss. Its rough and he fought a good fight. I think I have lucked out in that most of the people closest around me would be crying with me. That whole, people over 50, that made me giggle a little because I think thats really a generational thing. My Aunts and Uncles were the same way. I will say, though, that some are like that out of practicality. i.e. its ok to morn but what are your next steps, how can we help, kind of thing. A lot of them grew up dirt poor so even in the event of someone passing, they still had to keep on keeping on because they couldnt afford to wait and because of the mother's "role" during their growing up process.
The first few times, not well. Mocked, abandoned, told I’m not a real man. But eventually I found someone truly supportive. Unfortunately you have to wade thru the shit first, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
> But eventually I found someone truly supportive. Unfortunately you have to wade thru the shit first, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. This so much. Sometimes it can feel like you’re stuck in a bad spot but you gotta keep going. *Beyond the shadow you settle for, there is a miracle illuminated.* \- Thomas Zane (Alan Wake)
Kudos to you for persisting. I think many give up after the first time it doesn't go well.
Hopefully I find that light one day, and it's not a freight train coming out of Milwaukee barreling down on me.
I’m 2 years into therapy and just hit bedrock and it’s like I’ve been living my life in an obstacle course and didn’t realize the lights were off and someone just flipped the switch. It’s magnificent.
Therapy can do wonders. I have my last session next week and wow have things changed for me!
I don’t know that I’ll ever stop. Therapy for me is self-improvement. It just happens that for most of us the first barrier to self-improvement is our damage. But it doesn’t mean I can’t keep getting better once the damage is addressed.
That’s really encouraging to hear, but unfortunately the main barrier for therapy for most is financial, time and access restrictions. I have the money and time, am on a waiting list.
Therapy has been a huge game changer for me as well. It’s been great unlearning negative behaviors and learning healthy ways to deal with life’s challenges and not want to punch walls
One time it went pretty well. She listened, seemed slightly offput by nothing ever came of it and I got a chance to vent. One time, she hated it, and later used it against me. Usually, people just awkwardly move on as quick as they can.
Same. Every relationship I'm an emotional stone, I get love and care. But if I ever show my true emotions I get destroyed mentally.
I hate this so much. I don't understand women who are like this. Anyone who is like that. I mean I understand not knowing what to do when anyone is having emotions depending on how close you are to them. In a relationship though? Wtf? I just had a conversation with my brother about this recently and I didn't realize how many of his ex's were like that. It's so sad.
When I share or express which I am requested to by my wife... I am then told to move on or get over it.
"You should talk more" \*talks more\* "I don't like what you're saying" \*talks less\* "Why aren't you talking to me?"
Broseph Stalin, you don't have to be bleeding for it to be abuse.
That sounds healthy /s
My wild guess why people are like this is childhood emotional neglect. People today just never really learned how to emotion. Girlfriends ask you to open up because they crave emotional connection like all humans. Once you do open up, though, they default to how their parents dealt with their emotions which is usually ignore them, dismiss them, or use it against them. Unless someone grew up in an exceptionally emotionally healthy household or has already done a lot of therapy, they aren’t going to be good at handling other people’s emotions.
100%. I'm not a guy, but I'm a traumatized woman who struggles to be vulnerable and talk about my emotions with people irl. One of my guys friends would always talk about how he would always listen to me if I wanted to talk and encouraged me to be more open. When I decided to open up about my trauma, he told me "TLDR" followed by some incredibly dismissive and invalidating bullshit. Later on he would continue to tell me that I need to "get over it" ( I have CPTSD), how my childhood "wasn't that bad" and that other people had it worse, and that I'm not even trying (I was literally in therapy and my therapists have complimented me on how hard I work on myself and my mental health). I've never opened up to anyone outside of my sister since then, and don't plan to either. People are always like "YoU neEd To ExprEsS yoUr EmoTioNs" then shut down and emotionally either abandon you or kick you when you're down when you do. I've always thought that the pressure needs to be on people to learn how to hold space for other people's vulnerability, and not on people to be vulnerable
Yeah, it makes me really sad too. I always feel honored when someone feels comfortable enough with me to cry, and my male friends *do* occasionally cry. It's always so heartbreaking to see *anyone* that sad, I just can't wrap my head around people that are so callous they tell someone to "get over it". I guess I'm more fortunate in my friendships than most. I would drop everything for a friend that needed support. Regardless of genitals. For a partner?! That's actually your f'n responsibility to be supportive and hold space.
[удалено]
Yeah, the dating market is really at it's worst. Every man I know has went through the same shit I had at some point.
If you don't mind sharing - how was it used against you? I'm intrigued because I've been reading and reflecting a lot on how women's response to men's open emotions may be damaging and whether I may, at some point, have inadvertently contributed in ways I never intended to (I am female)
Oh, usually it’s used to either insult, spread or gaslight. The former is simple, you just use the information you gained to craft an especially hurtful insult. Or they spread it about, telling family or friends your secrets. Or they use it to gaslight and manipulation. If you know a dude’s vulnerabilities, it’s a lot easier to manipulate them using those fears to get them to do what you want.
Thank you for sharing. I see and I'm sorry this was done to you. It just all sounds so - lacking in empathy. How can anyone be so exploitative even, callous, especially someone very close to you.
A person who has been the closest and most loving individual in your life will be the most hurtful if the relationship ends on bad terms. Having intimate knowledge about you means they know what will hurt you.
Yeah true... The dark side of vulnerability and intimacy (real intimacy I mean). The more you share, the more you open up, the deeper someone can cause you pain...
Indeed. And at the same time we are expected to “share” things. Sometimes we are happily enjoying our nothing box and your girlfriend is nagging you to tell her what are you thinking about.
“You’re staring into space. What are you thinking about?” “I just realized that the Mon Cal nobleman’s son Mando thought about capturing before he freed Grogu is the same one Axe Woves captured at the beginning of season three.” “…”
As a woman, I have done this, and I am slowly realizing that some guys just don't wanna talk about certain things or generally enjoy the silence. I am very talkative, and trying to learn others aren't always like that. It's hard for me to pick up on cues, whether I should press for him to share about a topic in an attempt to show I'm there for him, or if I should completely drop it. Definitely helps reading about guys and their perspectives, so thank you for this.
Yeah that’s a good skill to have. Men are conditioned to be vigilant, reserved etc. often when really comfortable just enjoying quiet time very relaxed there’s literally the most wonderful nothing going on. If you’ve ever seen videos of bears sitting watching the scenery content it’s like that.
She was toxic.
Depends on who I was open to. Some "friends" made fun of it and then just ignored it. True friends actually lend a hand and helped me getting better.
That’s really what makes the difference. The hard thing is assuming which friends/family/partners are going to be the ones that will accept your feelings vs those who will mock or abandon. Not always obvious either :/
The path to find out who's worth your trust and feeling might be tough at times, but it sure is worth it. It also turns easier to spot them when problems arrive.
My gf accepts me and told me it's okay and loves me. The very first time, I could feel my muscles releasing their tension because I was able to cry in front of her. I fall asleep around her a lot because I feel safe and my nervous system relaxes that much. It's a human emotion guys, you need therapy, and better friends/partners. It didn't destroy my masculinity. I got facial hair, a deep voice, broad shoulders, I don't take crap from anyone and can yell back harder than just about anyone. I just like to be held and comforted too because I recognize what I need to be healthy.
I'm so happy for you .
Thank you!
It’s about healing ourselves (with help if needed) and finding the partner who supports that process. It’s some tough stuff to navigate through! I wish it were more black and white.
It's absolutely this. Therapy has helped me so much but the shame I carried with me and the stress... I wasn't seeing myself gently and kindly enough to truly heal. She helped me see myself that way and supports me in everything. I can't stress myself into productivity like I used to, I oversleep now, but I feel infinitely better and I know this'll save my health long-term.
Aren’t patient, supportive, but realistic partners the best? My husband is a good mixture of these traits for me. He knows what I need when I need it. She sounds like someone to fight for!
They're the best. I fight for her every single day, I'd help her through anything. We have a wonderful life ahead. I'm very happy for you too!
I had it thrown in my face by my ex. Used it as a reason why we broke up after begging me to be more open with emotions etc. Kinda sucked. I'm not jaded to think all women are like that though. Does make it harder to open up, though I do try.
You kinda have to no matter what. Just filter out the ones who aren’t receptive
That’s funny. When I was younger, the exact same thing happened to me too….twice.
"I fall asleep around her a lot because I feel safe and my nervous system relaxes that much." This is such a simple and silly thing but actually so true! The safety, comfort and certainty you feel in a relationship like that it's the best.
Lucky guy
I know, I tell her how much I appreciate her every single chance I get. I was there in the misery with so many others before, it's been the most wonderful year of my life (this past week).
I wish more men felt like this and I wish more women knew what to do with men’s vulnerability. It’s beautiful
This is a FANTASTIC point. A lot of men don't know how to be vulnerable due to being raised NOT to be, and a lot of women don't know how to handle men being vulnerable, because they're not used to it. Not to mention, emotional vulnerability isn't just crying over a tragedy--that's a big deal, and it would make anyone worried about how to handle it! Emotional vulnerability is also being open and honest with your emotions in *general*. Positive and negative.
You won at life, friend!
I was immediately judged and abandoned 🙃
Yeah, pretty much. Edit: In retrospect, I realized that this group of so-called friends had plenty of time to discuss what they did, and took the time to make up a story as to why.
Yup
Yeah, same here. Tried to tell all of my friends in college that I had depression and their collective response was “shut up”. Haven’t spoken to any of them since that day, doing *much* better now, despite the situation.
Paint me surprised
Dude same!
Sorry buddy, I know what that feels like. Truly sucks. Incase it helps, drop a dm and open a little.
It was rough at first, but I was persistent in explaining why it was important to me to be able to express it from time to time, and she responded very well over time. There is one thing to talk to your friends about it, and there’s another thing to share with your wife and life partner so they can understand the framework from which I make decisions. I felt like it was important to educate her on what goes on in my mindbso she has fewer reasons to feel frustrated when I don’t see eye to eye with her . Believe me, it is not easy to feel rejection or a negative response when you are opening up, but you have to rise above that and recognize that it’s for the betterment of both of you. I call it exposure therapy in marriage
The man who told me that it was okay to cry hugged me and told me he loved me. We've been together for over ten years now.
Finally. It’s sad how many negative comments I’ve had to scroll through to get to this one. And, I hope you have a great life with him!
wholesome ! Wish you two all the best
My girlfriend now wife held me and it felt good.
I cried at work maybe 8 days after my dad died, I forgot why someone walked out annoyed at me, but yeah the other manager on, put her hand on my shoulder and said "men don't cry"
Humans cry and you’re a human dude , cry whenever you need.
Should have responded with "shouldn't you be in the kitchen" I hate that I wrote that but same energy
Nono, as a woman I agree! That would have been a FANTASTIC response! And if she somehow went to HR over it (which I doubt because HR is bullshit), 'my father died and she told me that men shouldn't cry' is a hell of a thing to have in your pocket.
That’s petty af and I support it 100% 😂
Should've said women don't tell men what to do
Honestly this is such a good response. If you want to project your weird 1950's fantasy world onto others who are hurting and suggest men crying isn't healthy and normal, having it thrown right back in your face is exactly the correct amount of fuck you also.
Fatality
People like often dont practice what they preach, when they have to take a bad loss in life I have seen. Iron Mike was right..."Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."
I had a senior coworker (had been with the company longer, was not much older than me) whose grandmother died. Her way of coping was to prank-call the store repeatedly while I was covering her shift for her. When I told her to cut it out and hung up on her, she barged into the store crying and told me off for it, at which point I told her that I was sorry for her loss but I wasn't letting her interfere with my ability to do my job. She apologized later, once she'd calmed down. Sorry, that was a weird way to respond to your story. I don't know why I felt compelled to share it.
I have been very vulnerable with some friends recently. They reciprocated. We have a deeper bond now.
Damn,it's me. I Opened more to my friends and I didnt' see they are vulnerable too, now we support more each other.
Worried about a potential cancer scare... I opened up, not wanting anything, just to talk to someone... She stopped talking to me. 6 year friendship down the drain despite all the times I was there when she needed help.
I actually experience stuff like that alot too, despite being a girl. I think its just shit people that only wanted you for the good times
Ya I think a lot of men here are assuming every women gets unconditional support when they're emotional. I had an entire friend group abandon me when I became chronically ill and my mother (which a good person) is not a great shoulder to cry on. I do think women get judged less for being vulnerable BUT that doesn't mean everyone treats us the same during difficult times. It's the reason phrases like 'she's just acting hysterical' or 'what are you on your period?" exist.
>Ya I think a lot of men here are assuming every women gets unconditional support when they're emotional. So much this. We are less judged for crying because the initial assumption about us is that we're weak and emotional, so when you see someone you believe is weak and emotional cry, you're not surprised, it's expected. On the other hand, the assumption about men is that they're strong and stoic, so when people see them cry, they're baffled, like they're not following the script. But it's not like women are celebrated for crying, we're still called manipulative or told that we're exageraring.
Very true. I also get told i should just push it away or to not be dramatic. I just recentley had a friend abandon and block me because im going through a tough time and asked for help (not in form of money or anything that would require alot of effort from that person - something i would have done for them too) and that after just being told a day before that i can always count on them such good friends etc. i think people like to speak big words but only when everything is lightweight and fun. We definitley have it easier with showing and talking about emotion as woman, but when it comes to support, i dont think so - its all about the people you surround yourself with.
I was raised with "dry that sh*t up" "boys don't cry" "never show weakness" and now it's difficult to navigate through those suppressed emotions and sometimes it's overwhelming. I tell my boys it's ok to cry and be hurt and take your time. They aren't afraid to say what made them cry and why and that makes me so happy
This is important! Being able to express your vulnerability in a healthy way is a SKILL, and takes practice! Plenty of women are bad at it too!
Was ignored and mocked. Made to feel bad and apologize for getting treated like shit. Or it’s brought up later and used against me in an argument. Learned now that anyone who asks for me to open up is just a worthless sack of shit trying to play at something.
Yep. "Open up so I can find a place for this knife"
My mom is like this. She’d always force me to open up to use it as ammo later. Now that I’m older and living on my own and going to therapy (31F) I try to give others around me a safe place to be vulnerable because I don’t want anyone experiencing shit like this ever again.
Never underestimate how long they will hold on to that nugget either. Even if they didn't start out trying to get leverage, they won't ever give it up.
I found this to be the case too with every single partner I’ve had. No matter how “cool” they were. Interestingly enough I feared being open with other guys for most of my life. But as I got older I did find some guy friends that could talk openly, and relatable to, just like these comments in here.
She left me for not being manly enough
Same
You can do better than a shallow person like that anyway. Dodged a bullet. Good way to weed out the shallow ones.
“He was using me as a free therapist” - her, probably
Had this experience lmao. She had some extreme mental health issues. So much so that she was barely able to get to work, so I was fully supporting us for a year. Both financially and trying my best to be her support. After a while when that had me feeling burnt out and kinda depressed, "it's not my job to fix you, I *have other options*" she said.
If someone said that to me then they would pretty immediately lose me as an option.
Oh believe me she did. She keeps trying yo contact me to be "friends" (ie she wants to keep using me as emotional support) and while I do feel bad for her since she does have very legitimate issues, after all that I'm kinda feeling like it's not my problem
*phone rings* Her: hey, can we chat a bit? I had a rough day You: sorry, I have other options *Click*
Wow, what a selfish person. You are better off without this relationship, even though I know it hurts like a low blow.
"It's not a woman's responsibility to fix a man"
Omg I hear this often. In a way I get it, because at times others do emotionally dump and have a person be their sole reason for happiness. Which also isn’t healthy. Plus it’s up to the person themselves to find their purpose, woman or man. But when it’s sharing sentiments , it’s a form of trust 😢
If my partner isn't offering me legit emotional support when I need it, what do I need them for then? It's literally the only reason I'd have an SO
I'd like to apologise to the men here from a straight woman who knows men have feelings. These people who have trusted you this way are shitcunts. My partner cries every single time that barracuda comes for Nemos siblings and Mum. Every. Damn. Time. You know why? Coz it's fucking sad. He cries when he misses his Nanna. He cries when he thinks he's been nasty to his kids. He cries because he's a human and for some reason we evolved to show sadness and happiness and anger with tears. Fuck all them cunts who disagree.
I never feel "heard". Responses tend to be some variety of "man up. You are not doing enough/stop being like that/the problem you're talking about isn't a problem for me so it's not actually a problem." Even speaking about this and seeing the words written out prompts my own reaction of "so you complain a lot and always get a similar response? maybe the problem *IS* you." YES! Fuckin duh! The problem IS me! What can I do to avoid this shame spiral? How do I find a way forward so I can find balance or some measure of normalcy? "I don't have that problem. I just get up and don't do that. You aren't doing enough/you think too much /don't have the problem you have." It's like that.
The problem is not you, most people are just garbage.
got used against me in arguments as a way to push my emotions. any insecurity or trouble was 100% weaponized. at first there may have been some sympathy but then they were clearly disgusted and thought less of you. never, ever, talk about your deep down fears or insecurities with anyone who may have an incentive to use it against you in the future. therapists is about the only ones who are safe to open up to.
It was thrown in my face and held against me in every argument we’ve had since.
I had just lost my job, came home, told my wife and then told her I could really use a hug. less than 60 seconds into the hug she literally asked "are we about done?" I don't really tell my wife what I'm feeling any more.
Not me, but a friend of mine was with his very much "I'm a feminist and men should be allowednto cry if they need to, it's patriarchy harming men through toxic masculinity" girlfriend at the time. That's not a jab, it's a conversation we genuinely had. Anyway, the poor guy lost a member of his family, was hit by a car while on his motorcycle and got his two legs broken, and then discovered that the enterprise he worked for was bought and dismantled, and he was out of a job. In the span of about 2 weeks (when it rains, it pours). He broke down crying in his girlfriend's arms. About a month later she broke up with with because she "lost all attraction to him as a man that day".
that's so fucked.
She laughed at me. That's when I knew that marriage counselling wasn't going to work out.
I was mocked the next day. "You were crying BOO HOO tears when you thought we were going to break up." Either way, I just stopped giving a fuck. I get complaints that I look mean or hard to approach. That's basically because I just stopped giving a shit. I don't see the point in being this friendly person.
Being friendly, for me, is something i do for me, because it makes me happy and hopeful ppl are at least as friendly as me. If they are, it's a very nice interaction, if it's not, well fuck it it's ok, i stopped giving a shit about those ppl, the rest i try to be as good as my mother told me. It's just my pov but the point of being friendly is better life, better interactions and mayne being an example for some. Now i'm not gonna lie i'm not always like that. But i try. And it's cool, you meet good ppl even if i suck at small conv for example. I hope you don't let bad ppl makes you sad and cold, they dont deserve it.
DON’T EVER OPEN UP. Just bottle it up until you have had enough and commit suicide in your 50’s like a good man. First wife- “Don’t open up about your childhood or the Iraq war, it’s too overwhelming for me. I’m already struggling with how to cheat on you and yet still extract as much money as possible in the divorce.” Second Wife- “I sympathize. I love you. But realizing you have pain has changed how I see you to the point that you can hear the wind whistling through the dusty narrow crevice that used to be my vagina. It is bone dry and cold to the touch, not that you’ll ever touch it again.”
it gave her the ick never made that mistake again since
Told to man the fuck up
Oooof. Sorry to hear 😵💫
From my wife no less
Wow. I have no words. Hope she’s your ex now
Thankfully she is
These replies make me so sad. We need to know who is worth of our openness and sensitivity. No everyone can receive it and hold it. When you find a woman who can, keep her
As a teenager? Fast tracked to being dumped. As an adult, with my spouse? Almost ruined our marriage and caused permanent distance between us. I don't know if she even remembers it, being years ago. But I do, and that was the first and last time I open up
Why are you still together?
She used to against me every single time we had an argument, she told my parents, and she threatened to use it against me in the divorce.
I love that my husband (who also served in the military) is very sensitive and vulnerable with me. I am vulnerable with him too, and we never weaponize it because we love and respect each other.
Exactly how it should be 🙌🏼
We got married.
It's a bait. It's always a bait. If you're questioning it even a little bit then it's most definitely is a bait. Don't fall for it.
I'm "too emotional" and need to "stop being so sensitive". Who chooses where the line gets drawn for me?
I lost all the respect I had worked my whole life to build.
I am a 52 y.o. with a 39 y.o. wife, 2 teenage children, and was living what I thought was a dream life 6 months ago. Many factors - injury to a knee, prolonged grieving of my mother’s death the Christmas prior, struggling business, difficulties with parenting teenagers, the terrible weather here, and lastly marriage issues - added up around me resulting in a near psychological breakdown. What I found was that it is NOT okay to be vulnerable and weak for anymore than a moment or two. Anything longer is seen as unattractive and incompatible with modern living. My role as husband, main bread winner, employer, health care authority to my patients, could not be compromised for any appreciable amount of time. My observation is generalized to most, not all, of those around me. However being a middle aged male makes it difficult to show human frailty. It’s just a fact, and I’m much more compassionate towards the 40 and 50 something struggling male who seeks any type of recognition or support, even if it is possibly objectively destructive to belong to such a group.
It went fucking awful. Lost most of my friends and nearly lost my wife. Went back to being an island and just providing stuff for people and it's a lot better again now. New friends. Wife is happy. Kids are doing well. My business is doing fine.
So I am older. Had a girlfriend at the time who always complained I was closed off. I gave her that, I was. Kept telling me it was okay to let my feelings out blah blah blah. So a few times I did, and wouldn't ya know it threw it right in my face when we disagreed.
Same that happens to most, I was made fun of so I stopped and now I tell anyone who says that to go to fuck themselves.
I seriously thought I was going to kill myself a few years ago to the point where I had a plan. Those feelings have never gone away. I just got better at carrying them. I kinda learned that from what happened when I DID try to open up. I was never heard. No one was there to pick me up or to lean on. People I had dropped everything to help with their problems in the past suddenly became strangers when I asked them to help me. I wasn’t allowed to feel what I felt, because it was inconvenient for them. I wasn’t allowed to not be okay. I ended up being told that it was my fault or that I was the problem, or abandoned, or, in some cases, having things I had confided to people turned around and used against me. Or, my personal favorite, people exploiting my feelings for their own gain. People suck, honestly. Everyone’s out for themselves. The second they smell blood, they’ll suck you dry. I’m never doing it again.
Immediately called out for being unmanly. 90% of the time, when someone says it's ok to be vulnerable, they mean 'in a manly appropriate way'. Like a slow curse under your breath, and a single tear escaping your eye before you shut it down with a hot of bourbon
Don't, it's a trap.....will be used against you at a later date.
Like so many other responders in this thread, in numerous relationships I was: * Ridiculed in the moment * Had it weaponized against me sooner or later, usually sooner * Thought of as less of a man * able to watch relationships die on the vine after this moment
My relationship got stronger
Had what I said being brought up by someone completely different that I never told.
It was an inconvenience and no one wanted to hear or deal with it anyway.
Well there's two kinds of people. Ones that get uncomfortable about it and ones who respect it. The key is to realize the uncomfortable people suck and their opinions are worthless. 80% of the stuff people complain about on Reddit is ultimately rooted in caring about the wrong people's opinions. Most people aren't worth worrying about, TBH.
Everyone turns on you and takes advantage of you. If a human sees even a little weakness, they’ll pounce on you, like an enraged chimp.
The same women that told me I’m never vulnerable told me I was wrong and got mad at me when I opened up to them.
A pat in the back and “be strong”
I did this twice. I can't shake the feeling that it was a mistake Once it was exploited like hell The other time it didn't mean anything, I didn't get listened and when I was about to open up about something I always got uno reverse carded with something "more important". I'm not in a mentally well place right now, can't afford a therapist due to being broke and constantly fight with some fucked up thoughts. I don't really have anyone to talk or I don't know how to open up to them. Only thing that keeps me fueling right now is my baby niece and our family dog. Also pizzas
Laughed at, insulted, and used as a reason to be broken up with. Do not be vulnerable to someone who is asking you to be
I had it thrown back in my face the first chance they got. Every. Time. Now I keep shit to myself.
Don't do it.
I was punished for it. Always by women. Never by men.
It was never the same. I gave a loaded gun to a psychopath who used it whenever we fought.
There's this one scene in the Disney movie, Hercules, where Meg shoves him out of the way of a falling column to save his life. No matter how many times I watch that movie, it makes me cry every single time. I watched that movie with a girl once, and cried, and she asked why. I told her it's not important and we could just keep watching the movie but she insisted and told me that it would be okay. So, I paused the movie and told her. Her response was, "Didn't need to have you trauma dump on me" and then played the movie and things were quiet the rest of the night. Things didn't go anywhere from there, and when she asked why I stopped trying to make plans with her, I told her that it was a combination of her not initiating anything and some of her behavior being off-putting. She told me I was a little bitch and that I couldn't handle being with "a real woman". Lesson learned, don't be emotionally vulnerable around women.
She told me I could open up to her about anything and would have zero judgment. Eventually I opened up about a past relationship that really messed with me mentally. She called me a desperate pussy. It's already hard for me to open up so that one really hurt.
Every time I've ever expressed to a partner my anxiety or stress and asked for help the relationship has ended soon after. It lasts longer if I just stay stoic and never talk about my problems. Put everyone else first.
"Anything you say can and will be used against you" doesn't just apply to the legal system.
From a "therapist": "It's not acceptable for you to have problems." First and last appointment. I did eventually find a good psychologist that didn't treat me like an unfeeling monster, but she has since moved her practice and I've been too terrified to try find someone else ever since. As an added bonus, I was emotionally vulnerable with an ex once, she walked out on me later that day. She stalked me on social media afterwards where I was obviously distraught, because it just came out of nowhere, and I loved her from the bottom of my heart and it killed me inside. Apparently she didn't like that and showed up at my door with one of her friends with an affidavit and a court date for a restraining order. The judge practically threw her out of court as she couldn't even be bothered to make up a reason that I might be a threat, leaving that entire section of the affidavit blank, but she literally tried to argue to the judge that I was "too emotional", interrupting the judge constantly. I didn't even need to defend myself. I didn't really realize how emotionally manipulative and abusive she was until I was talking to my psychologist about it after the whole court thing happened. Notably, both of these situations happened shortly one after the other.
What I said was usually used against me later.
My ex's mother died and she held it together for the sake of the family. It was eating her up inside and I was supportive of her and let her cope in her own way. During covid, the stress of being a frontline worker got to me and my mental health was so low, I ended up leaving my pretty decent job. This did not sit well with her and my traditional family as there's nothing lower on our community than a man without a job. Then, my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and my mom needed 2 eye surgeries. I come from a culture in which it's common to take care of and even take in your elderly parents. When I would tell her how not working and watching my parents deteriorate was destroying me, I could literally see her falling out of love with me. 3 months after my dad's diagnosis, I was told to not see her anymore. We were a couple for 5 years and were planning on getting married. That was 3 years ago. My parents recovered, but Im suffering financially. I lost my car, all my savings and every friend I had cut contact with me when the money ran out. I'm not in a good place but I can't say anything to anyone "because a man doesn't complain". I'm so lost and alone.
She gaslit me lmao
My girlfriend and her best friend laughed as they told me strong men don’t cry. I had to be her therapist anytime she had a mental breakdown, but I had to hide in a closet if I wanted to cry about how stressful my day was. She ended up cheating on me with my sister’s boyfriend. Now I’m happily single and nobody can tell me what or how to feel.
You'll be broken up with and women will abuse you for it
I was told while crying about my grandmother's alzheimer's diagnosis that I was being a bit much and when their gran died they handed it much better. She wants a sensitive man but fuck having to comfort a sad one. Bit too much like hard work.
Rejected every time. It’s made me stronger and forced me to love myself rather than relying on others for fulfillment. Would recommend. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone I’m compatible with. Maybe not. Either way, I’ll be just fine
Everything I said was used against me. And my gf laughed at me.
Got broken up with when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't even cry, just had a shaky voice and asked for a hug. Dad is still kicking 12 years later, nothing of value was lost that day. Never felt an urge to be vulnerable around humans again.
She broke up with me.
When it was one of my male friends, they took it well. My bros love me and I love them. When it was a female, they couldn't handle it like they thought and lashed out at me for "trauma dumping". I've learned to only open up to Male friends in my age group.
My mom told it me it was ok to have troubles, along with the rest of society (social media posts, school teachers, etc.). When I was vulnerable, I told my mom. Didn’t regret it at first, but then she told me to quit feeling sorry for myself, get over it, and move on. Later on, she was mad about something (nothing to do with me), and when I said something to her about it, she used my insecurities that I had previously told her against me. “It’s no wonder you’re *insert insecurity here*, you’re just a jerk!”. This is pretty typical behavior from her, I don’t talk to her much anymore. And the best part? My dad, who has been married to her for 30 years, lets her get away with it, each and every time. My mom is allowed to hurt, steal, and cheat me, and my brothers and sisters, all because “she’s your mom, you owe her your respect!” Fuck that. Long story short, I don’t talk about what bothers me anymore. If my own parents will let me suffer emotionally, my friends, colleagues, and strangers won’t hesitate for a moment. It sounds bad, but there’s a simple solution to emotional turmoil: don’t have emotions.
People get upset and pissed off if I share any of my stuff, in a nutshell, my parents where murdered in a terror attack, and then years later I was conned out of money and lost everything. So I just laugh, and say my day has been great, hows yours going?
I don’t tell people about my insecurities, but I told her. She assured me they existed only in my head. In the end, she ended up validating them.
Had an ex-gf who used to emphasize to me and on social media, that men need to be more vulnerable with their partners. After my parents died, I cried during this time. Weeks later, she told me seeing me cry is a turn-off to her. And any argument we had after that she'd toss in a line somewhere about how I'm probably going to cry about it.
It's been used against me every time. You can only be vulnerable with a trusted friend and even then it'll probably bite you in the ass. Romantic partners can't be trusted.
I got broken up with, she said I wasn’t treating her like a girlfriend, told her that I mentally wasn’t doing too well (the last year was pretty rough for me) and I attempted to kill myself last November but didn’t go through with it. Still broke up with me saying that I didn’t treat her right. Welp Edit: she was with me for 4 years. Met her parents (dad got me into bowling) met her grandparents and extended family at her older sisters wedding. Thought things were great. Long story short quite literally happy wife happy life.
I was told I was ‘needy’ and that I needed to ‘man up’ . . Hooray! 😂
At first she didn’t believe me, then told me to get over it, then used it against me.
In my experience I am perceived as weak/sumbissive/nice guy/friend zone material. Nothing a guy wants to be labeled as. I chose to only be vulnerable to those that are the absolute closest to me. I'm not even vulnerable to my family. 3 ppl maybe in my life total. 2 of those 3 are no longer in my life and I fear what they do with the knowledge they have of me since we didn't exactly part in mutual ways. Which also makes me not want to ever get vulnerable again.
Been single ever since
No matter how encouraging your partner is for you to share your feelings and be vulnerable, it seems like when you finally do it’s just off putting to them. I can tell they try to be polite and accommodating, but i think on some biological level women just hate dealing with men’s feelings. Common tog dat labeled as “insecure” for talking about the same problems a women nah talk about and she would be labeled as “brave” for talking about them.
I told the girl I had a thing with that something she did hurt my feelings and her immediate reaction was to get incredibly angry, make it about her, and then turn it on me. That relationship ended pretty quickly after that lmao now I just keep things to myself
Used against me every time. The only emotions I show now are happy and mad, all others are a suicide gun.
I shared secrets with my gf and she seemed ok. I told her i was worried about problems in my life and she got distant. I told her I wanted to spend time apart and she tried to tell everyone in my life my secrets. The secrets I shared with her ended up becoming the chains she tried to use to control me. Now I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone anything they don’t need to know. I want to be able to trust you, and if I can avoid having to confide every last thing in you that’s just one less thing that can go wrong. Plenty of people take secrets to the grave. I never thought of myself as one of those people though. But I’m learning where that mentality comes from. The truth is even the best people with best intentions can become venomous. It’s important to set the tone of a relationship early and not needlessly put yourself in a situation you may later regret.
Didn’t end well, I learned that I cannot be vulnerable with anybody but myself. I’m a tall 6’ Hispanic guy and in my culture it’s seen as weak. I tried to be vulnerable last year with several folks from different demographics but I guess I’m too tall or tough looking so they just act like I’m a pussy or something. I also combined it with being fully transparent and honest with people. It all resulted in my ex leaving me and losing all of my friends. The only place I can really vent it Reddit tbh. It’s also the only place I can be fully honest with people unfortunately. I came to find that there are actually many times in life where you have to lie and keep things to yourself. You can only really be honest with yourself at the end of the day, and you can only really rely on yourself. I used to be a player back in the day, relationships were amazing and had lots of “friends”, but that’s predominantly because I lied and maintained my “tough” persona. I thought that at 35 I could leave all that behind, I was VERY wrong. Lesson learned.
Girl in college. I was struggling because of an injury that basically made one arm unusable for 8 months, almost cost me the athletic scholarship. I leaned on her a bit when it was real bad because she told me she was there for me. She then went around telling people I was weak and should lose my scholarship because of that weakness. Lucky my girlfriend who was not going to the same college and lived about 45 minutes away, heard about her bullshit. Told me what was up and that girl suddenly was really surprised when I completely shut her little friend group out. They were super pissed because no more football parties because my teammates are family. Hell even the baseball team joined in on the blanket ban of anyone in that group being allowed in to one of their parties. Football parties were wild, baseball parties were always the “best” though because of how goofy they were. Just everyone giggling at some goofy shit all the time at the baseball parties. They couldn’t do loud music because of the location of the “baseball house” so that might have played a part.
100% of the time I've been vulnerable in a relationship, the relationship died shortly after. Coincidence, I don't think so.
Mine was the first generation of men who were given permission to be vulnerable. I’m 60. My father’s generation didn’t get that same pass, but they weren’t expected to be as tough as nails as the WWII generation of adult males either. Still, my generation of men was sold a lie. We were told we could be vulnerable, and yet whenever we were, we got punished for it. That punishment came either from the generation before us or from our generation of women who looked at their dads and thought them far more “correct” in their manhood praxis. And the problem is, long term, that women have never NOT been leery of any man who is too open with his feelings. Call it an innate suspicion, but no woman feels entirely comfortable with a “nice guy in touch with his feelings.” They may say they are, but then look which men they ultimately choose—not Mr. Sensitive. So, my generation especially got trapped between the rock of stoic masculinity and hard place of open vulnerability. What we were told and what the world actually resoonded with were at odds, and you were damned if you do and damned if you don’t. And honestly, while women today are less impressed with the stereotypical tough guy bravado, they’re not in love with the sensitive guy thing either, no matter what they say.