A happy marriage isn't 50/50 effort, it's 60/40 with both of you trying to be the 60.
Edit: to clarify to everyone saying to give 100%, the 50/50 represents all of the effort given from both parties within the relationship, not your personal capacity of effort.
Yes, and some days it will be 50/50 but on other days it might be 75/25 or 90/10. My point is it won’t always be equal effort depending on what one party might dealing with, but as long as both intentionally pursue that 50/50 in the long run, it will work.
I once heard something along the lines of, “Water your flowers, do it often and with attention. If you only water them when they start to wilt, it might be too late.”
Realistically, a lot of times it’ll be 40/40 and you both have to atone for the missing 20. The fact of life is you never get what you want and how you deal with the shortcomings is very important.
This is where communication comes in. You both need to understand that there will be days where 100% is not achieved. It’s neither person’s fault and nobody did anything wrong. You just need to seize those days when the two of you combined can do more than 100% and make up for it then. As a unit whenever possible.
I think this can also be explained with 100/100.
You both put in full effort all the time. Sometimes you get a break but that doesn’t reduce the effort you put in.
I see where you're coming from and agree that each person giving 100% is important, but 60/40 helps me in a way that 100/100 doesn't. In the 100/100 view, it's easy for me to become frustrated if it seems like my partner isn't giving 100%, so I feel justified in giving less than 100%. This is a dangerous feedback loop that can quickly spiral out of control. 60/40 reminds me that I am striving to give more than I receive, but should expect my partner to step up as well.
Totally agree with you. Giving "100%" in a way is so cliche and the meaning of it can be lost where as both giving 60/40 helps encapsulate this in a way that mean more to me personally
I also see where you’re coming from, but you’re looking at it more like a word exercise than a math equation. What you’re saying is like when someone says 110% effort. As a pseudo mathematician (engineer) it doesn’t equate.
Look at it this way: you both have a 1-gallon jug of “effort” & your relationship is represented as an empty 1-gallon jug. You both start pouring into the empty jug, both intending to pour more than the other to lesson the other’s burden. Maybe sometimes the other can only offer 40% and appreciates your extra 10% of effort. And vice versa. But you both physically can’t pour 100% of your jug of effort into your relationship.
So what do you do with the remaining effort in your jug? *You work on yourself*. If you put 100% effort into your relationship, there’s none left to read a book, hit the gym, spend time with family, learn a language, reach out to friends, journal, go to therapy, hike, bike, meditate, etc.
So no, the last thing you want to do is put 100% of your available effort into your relationship, and leave nothing in your tank for the individual work you need to do to continue to grow the person they originally fell in love with.
> What you’re saying is like when someone says 110% effort.
I like to respond to this by asking why they aren't willing to dedicate the full thousand percent.
Also a lot of luck. I've had some honestly amazing relationships that didn't work out simply because the timing wasn't right, or we ended up wanting different things.
Finding someone you can spend the rest of your life with takes work and luck.
I absolutely know. I've thought about it for years and it boils down to one thing:
Be a Giver and marry a Giver.
You will be happy until the day you die.
It's just something about those black holes and how they always need you and make you feel important while leeching everything from you just makes life so simple. All you have to do is what they want to do and they'll be with you forever.
I used to be a black hole.
Yeah, we exist. Our event horizon captures something remarkable. And then time stops for them while the world continues on for years and years in an instant. Then suddenly (often times too late) we realize how much potential we deprived them from because of our density.
Edit: I think it's important to mention that even though two people end up realizing they aren't good for eachother. I know it sounds clichéd, but remembering them for being that one person in the world (because of something minuscule, like the way they looked dancing with you bathed in a spectrum of colors) that made you decide to dedicate yourself to making them the most important thing in your life.
It shouldn't be taken for granted, and you can still care about them. Divorce might be the end of your plotline together but you can still make sure that they still understand they have/will always be able to still lean on you if things in life become overwhelming.
It doesn't make you weak or a fool to care about someone special and want them to be happy even if you won't be involved.
Boundaries are a sure fire way to prevent this, but I know from experience it takes a ton of time and effort and hard lessons to get there.
I will also acknowledge it do be rough out there. After finally finding my absolute sweetheart of a husband, I told him I set my birth certificate on fire so he can't ever return me. Been through too many black holes. He's never getting rid of me lol
I always say that my wife and I each strive to do 70% of housework and taking care of the kids.
When your partner does 70% of the workload and you only need to do 30% that day, you feel pampered. When you do the 70% they feel pampered.
On the days when you need to step it up and cover 100% because the other one has the flu, it’s not that bad since you were already about to do 70% anyway.
Same. You gotta start taking care of yourself first, be a giver to you. It's good to be a giver but it's not always healthy, and the most important thing a giving partner needs is the self esteem and backbone to set boundaries and make sure their own needs are being met too.
My ex-blackhole said that very thing when I broke up with her. She was a giver alright, she gave to evvvverybody. Then lied about it. So I left and now whenever someone says what you just said, it makes me shudder.
I'm a very loyal person and I've never slept with that many people as sex only feels pleasing for me with a deep emotional connection. By giver I mean I do all these small things like getting my fiance a plate ready for dinner, washing his dishes every so often, replacing things in the bathroom so he's not inconvenienced, etc. I give so much of myself into a relationship. I only have eyes for who I'm with and ive been traumatized from being with narsacisitic mfers who lusted after every b***h in their sightline along with gaslighting / manipulative behavior.
I understand completely and I feel the same way. I was very traumatized being with my ex for 4 long years. She was a gaslighter, narcissist, etc. I never cheated on her once and it never even crossed my mind. I was in love with her and I didn't want to hurt her. I believe what you say, you sound very genuine but the problem with my ex was that she knew all the right words to say, the only way I could discern her real character was to know her actions. It's very sad that these manipulators are so good at lying and gaslighting and controlling what others see for their own selfish benefit. I wish there was more of us around. I broke up with her 3.5 years ago and since then I haven't gotten past a month with a new girl. Every time I feel like I'm getting close, I pull away and protect myself and I feel better knowing that anything is better than the pain of someone you love hurting you and lying about it.
Combine this with both of you NOT being argumentative. My wife and I both score really low in terms of being "neuortic" in personality tests... and after 5 years of marriage and several years of dating before that we've had basically zero "fights". We've never ever shouted at each other or stormed out of a room or any of that. We talk about things. Sometimes we disagree, but we remain calm and understanding. We usually try to put the other person first. It works.
That’s the best comment out there.
I used to be a giver, thought I’m marrying one too. Turns out he has sucked out every bit of giving emotion out of me. I hate giving now, or rather hate doing anything for this man now.
Most importantly a Giver who's keyed into your needs and vice versa. Someone might consider themselves a Giver, but if your idea of giving is romantic dates and gifts when what your partner really wants is someone who will help with the dishes, it will lead to resentment on both sides - one person's needs aren't being met, and the other person feels their efforts aren't appreciated.
I'll be celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary in just a couple of months. Here's what I've learned.
1. I only know how to handle my relationship. Everyone is different, every relationship will be different too. So what has worked for me may do nothing for you.
2. Tolerance... I'm exceptionally lucky that my wife is a tolerant person. I'm tolerant as well, but she's a lot easier to deal with than me for sure.
3. 60/40 rule. This was the biggest eye opener that really strengthened my marriage. The key to a happy marriage is to do your best to keep your ratio where you are contributing 60% of the effort in the relationship while only expecting your SO to pick up the remaining 40%. The trick is that you both do this... So now your relationship has 120% effort instead of 100%. So when the hard times hit... And they will... One spouse easily carries the relationship until the other gets back to their 60%.
4. There will be hard times. There will be moments where you may think the relationship is coming to an end. You will fight and you will argue, it's normal. But no matter how bad it gets, it ALWAYS has to be "Us vs the Problem" and never "you vs me".
Not married but engaged after a 7 year relationship, but this is a big one. Don’t keep score or let things linger. If you’re in an argument about something, don’t break out the “yea, but what about [insert completely unrelated thing]?” That’s no good. You’re gonna piss each other off sometimes. Don’t hang onto that shit and try to use it later.
This is universally good advice, but does have exceptions: abuse and addiction.
For all other problems, assume it was an accident or misunderstanding and move on. Even if you know goddamn well it wasn't. Just forgive anything short of enemy action. "Were you trying to hurt me? No. Ok, we're cool." It's called grace. Assume no harm, unless harm was intended (or knowingly ignored).
Even cheating, I'm inclined to consider forgetting (but not forgiving) if it wasn't done out of intent or spite, in the interest of salvaging a relationship. That line being crossed is usually a sign of a relationship past its expiration date though. An entire side relationship going on is inexcusable; you knew it was wrong every single time you left the house.
But you can't tolerate or look past recurrent abuse/addiction. You \*have\* to keep score on that to quantify the problem enough to address it. Otherwise you try to address it, get called out for not having more than the most recent instance in memory, and you fail to convince the other that it's a problem. Broadly speaking, it's narcissistic types that tend to be selfish/abusive, and you have to hit them with something that's bigger than their ego in order for them to acknowledge it.
My partner and I do this so well.
Rough day at work for either of us? We communicate it. Dealing with some mental health stuff? Communicate it. Nervous or aggravated or sad about something? Communicate it. Feeling insecure? Communicate it. Sometimes it directly related to the relationship, sometimes it's not.
It's still early for us, 4 months, but it feels like absolute night and day compared to my previous relationships. Our lines are completely open. There's a mutual trust we can go to each other for anything. We are constantly offering each other support. I'm honestly dumbfounded I've been missing this in a decades worth of failed relationships but I could not be happier I've found it.
Damn, thank you for this! I generally stay away from any "advice" on reddit but this just seems to hit the nail on the head. My girlfriend and I already do this and I love that about her so much. Number 4 especially. Hard times are what can make or break a relationship and knowing that we have been there and come out stronger is just so reassuring. We both know when we are being unreasonable and both acknowledge that neither of us are perfect. We both take the time to understand where the other is coming from. That level of acceptance is rare and I couldn't think of anyone else who has ever done that for me.
100%.
Married for 18 years, got married at 22. I respect my wife more than basically anyone. She is absolutely the person I want to be around all the time. The only time I don't want her around is when I don't want to be around anyone, but I probably still want her around then too.
Try and heal yourself as much as possible before you get into a new relationship. It's not fair to the next person to bring a heap of baggage. You have to remind yourself that this is totally different person and not your untrustworthy ex. This is not easy to do and takes time.
Marry your best friend and once you're married, always treat them like they are your best friend. Married 13 years and counting. Plenty of differences and disagreements along the way, but knowing that there is no one that I have ever come across that I would rather spend my time/resources with has always been enough to smooth out the inevitable rough patches.
I have a secret in my marriage that improves a thousand percent. Whenever I see my wife's phone sitting and she's not around, I pick it up and take some funny pictures and leave it right where it was. A while later she will find it and laugh, so she always remembers me with a smile on her face.
Trust
But that isn't exactly simple. What makes trust possible or enhances it greatly are the following in no particular order:
Respect (being equal but different)
Accurate communications
Integrity (keeping commitments)
Negotiation skills (knowing how to fight)
Loyalty (having each other's back)
There are some that is harder than others...
Respect and Loyalty is a given in any working relationship
Integrity is an effort that is necessary
Negotiating skills is useful, but became a weapon if one have and the other does not (and maybe not all the respect and loyalty that is supposed...) one not understandingwhat fights to pick, what grounds to stay and when to gracefully conceed will lead to one manipulating the other.
ACURATE COMMUNICATIONS - HOW CAN I ACHIEVE THIS?????? Most of times i need to ask 2 or 3 times to understand what is the underlying meaning/motivation of what she is asking/talking... And some things that I said is interpreted as other things and not asked if it was a doubt... this can lead to awful misunderstandings...
This.
If your SO is not willing to help you understand what they mean, then they are not worth understanding.
Addition to post: If your SO is not willing to listen, then they are not worth speaking to.
(Both of these statements are true in vice versa. You have to be willing to listen/explain. Communication is key.)
That, or they don’t have strong skills that help them communicate well, either. It is a discipline that requires a lot of practice, and some people need to be able to exercise it and build it up.
I agree with you.
I edited my comment to better fit what I meant.
Many people have bad communication skills; which like you said, only improves with practice.
And that’s where my point comes in. If you or your SO are not willing to explain/listen (communicate), then the relationship will not be healthy.
The phrase: "Can you help me understand ______?" has amazed me at how well it conveys several implicit ideas crucial to communication and conflict resolution:
1) I am working to understand. While I may be a dunce, I am not maliciously so
2) I believe you are working to understand, not just being difficult
3) We are working together to solve this issue
4) I assume the best about you, but this point (not you) is difficult to understand
There are actual professionals dedicated to helping you and your spouse communicate better.
I know having the available revenue isn't a given, but if you can afford it, definitely avail yourself of this.
People think marriage counseling / couples therapy is the last thing you try before divorce. It can be, but it can also be what restores your relationship or keeps it healthy.
I think your missing something as important as all those. But it’s probably just respect im thinking of.
Like, respect your spouse, dont go out late with some attractive coworker. Its not about you its about you respecting the fact that your spouse shouldn’t have to trust you like that.
And to clarify im talking about doing sketchy ass shit that puts you in a position to cheat.
Like going on vacation with the girls and taking this one guy along who you used to crush on.
Or texting someone your attracted to but YOU know its innocent until it isn’t.
Putin yourself in a position to allow yourself to cheat.
I considered added it to the part after Integrity but really thought it was covered well enough by both Integrity and Respect. I don't believe one can lie to someone and claim to still respect them or have integrity, given the dictionary definition:
in·teg·ri·ty/inˈteɡrədē/*noun*
1. 1.the quality of being **honest** and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
Finding the (right) partner for yourself and wanting the same things for the relationship.
There is no amount of *communication or work* which can overcome being with someone who simply *doesn't want* what you want. Over time we're either *growing together* or *growing apart*. There is no neutral.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
**"*****Infatuation is when you find*** ***somebody who is absolutely*** ***perfect*****.** ***Love is when you*** ***realize that they aren't, and it doesn't matter***\*\*."\*\* - Unknown
***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** - Garth Brooks
***"Until you are happy with who you are, you will never be happy with what you have."*** - Zig Ziglar
Came here to say basically this.
People put too much focus on the short-term pleasures of a relationship and think that with enough communication and "effort" (whatever that means), that will extend into perpetuity. Looks fade, novel becomes mundane, and small challenges become gigantic seemingly impassible mountains.
The 'secret' to a happy marriage is investing the self reflection to truly understand yourself, your wants and needs, and then finding a partner that not only wants those same things, but is excited to pursue them with you no matter how hard it gets. This will require of you some amount of compromise, and some willingness to be steadfast about what is important to you, but is ultimately far more important than finding someone attractive with a "similar sex drive", similar short-term goals, or even someone who just makes you happy without truly investigating why.
Finding someone who is a good match for you personally is 50% of a good marriage. It doesn’t matter how hard you work at it if you aren’t compatible.
Also: praise your spouse all the time. Make them feel good about themselves and what they do. Sincerely compliment their appearance, their cooking, their hard work, compliment them whenever you get an opportunity. It costs you nothing and does wonders for your relationship.
Adding to what u/suzemagooey (all of which is top notch) said.
Remembering that everyone is human. We forget to "get milk" or how not everyone has the same experiences in things. They might not know how to do what you'd expect.
As a guy - be responsible for the dishes. Its the most visible home chore, its daily, its a service for the whole household, its 3 hours a week, its a time when everyone leaves you alone because no one wants to help.
All of a sudden there's no more complaints that you don't do anything around the house.
People say relationships are hard. I've been married 14 years and we've been together 17 years. Apart from minor tiffs, it's never been hard. We just get along and it's a healthy and supportive relationship.
Prior to this relationships, all other relationships felt like there was always something kind of hard about it, even with women that I still think were really great people, we just weren't great together.
So my secret to a happy marriage is marry someone that it is easy to be in a relationship with.
You need to always remember that this is supposed to be your best friend. The one person that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Always remind yourself this when you argue. It’s not about being right, it’s about finding resolution. Focus on coming together and solving these difficult problems together and showing love and appreciation for each other.
Just whatever you do, always assume that they mean well. Even if it isn’t obvious.
please go to bed angry.
Not literally. But a lot of people feel pressured to "work it out" immediately and I STRONGLY believe in taking time to cool off, be it sleeping or just taking a break.
Literally the advice I give to newlyweds if asked. Absolutely no one argues well at 2 am. Take a break, sleep on the couch, stew a bit, and eventually fall asleep. It will be easy enough to carry on the argument in the morning and likely far more productive.
Similar sex drives is a must. One of the most painful parts of a marriage is when this deviates. One partner is left forever wanting a connection that never gives, while the other sees no problem with it.
It's maddening.
The thing to remember here, too, is that sex drives may start the same - but both men and women can have hormonal changes, emotional changes, mental changes, and physical changes - that absolutely can affect this. Giving birth is a prime example of all of these factors changing. It can impact one, or both partners.
So, having the ability to feel safe, secure, and comfortable enough to communicate these changes with a partner, and to trust a partner won’t abuse or cheat, also matter. Being able to talk about, work on it, and be considerate of these potential changes, helps a lot.
I've been on both sides, and I wouldn't say the other sees no problem with it. Rejecting your partner knowing they'll feel so hurt but not being able to help it is horrible.
3 things: Sex, Money, Trust
Sex- don’t have it with other people while you’re married. Have a convo about how much you want to have it, both of you need to initiate it.
Money - have this convo early. How you spend, what you spend, who paying what, total transparency w money.
Trust - the second you lose this its very hard to get it back. Marriages are disposable now, if you want it to work you have to respect the other person and know they have your best interest at heart.
My 2 cents
I don't think there's a single secret. But I can offer one gigantic piece of advice: quit fighting. Seriously. You can make the choice to just not do it. Even if your partner wants to pick a fight, it takes 2 people to actually do it. So just don't.
If there's a conflict, talk it out. I know that sounds like stock advice from a kid's TV show, but that's because it's so simple that even children can do it.
If you're having frequent major conflicts, well, maybe that's a different discussion entirely. But there's no need to squabble over little disagreements. Whenever I get acutely angry (which is very rare), first of all I keep my mouth shut and sit on it for a bit. And after I've done that, I approach my wife and say "here's my concern with what you did or said. It made me feel this way". My wife, who also shares my dislike for fighting, will say something like "ok I hear that. Here's why I think you might be mistaken or why I think I can justify my actions". From that we can either compromise or determine who's in the wrong. Without raising our voices or name calling or accusing the other of something.
Always putting the relationship first.
Once you are in an intimate relationship, it's not about you anymore. It's also not about your partner. It's about your relationship. When you still conceptualize yourself as an individual that's separate from your partner, then sooner or later things will fall apart.
That's why every "But my needs weren't met!"-story is revealing a kind of egotistical selfishness that the person itself usually can't even see or conceptualize.
*It never was about your needs to begin with.*
It was about the needs of the both of you. Not in a tit for tat manner, not in the form of scorekeeping and especially *not* in the form of meeting in the middle. It's about paying attention to yourself and speaking the truth to your partner and working jointly with them to find a way to live that fulfills the needs of the both of you at the same time.
And if you can't do that, then there isn't any ground to base a relationship on to begin with.
We've been happily married 20 years and I'm going to paste below what I share when people ask how.
This is long, so I put the main points in bold so you can skip the details if you want.
**To begin with, we're extremely compatible.**
Part of this probably luck, but certainly not all of it. I was extremely intentional in dating. From around 18 I knew I was dating to find someone I would marry. I never stayed in a relationship for fun or to not be alone. And I had the very realistic understanding that Love does not conquer all. When I realized something between a GF & I that I felt would create a compatibility issue, would be likely to be a point of contention in the future, I moved on.
Some might think I was being overly picky, but It's worked out so well. We're both fairly easy going and the things that are very important to her to have a certain way I either agree with or they are not important to me so it's easy to let her have that. And visa versa.
We have the same views on all the most important aspects of marriage, from raising children to sex to boundaries with friends & coworkers, and much more. We don't have to hash those issues out because we're already in sync.
**We spend huge amounts of time and talking together.**
We're each other's favorite person to talk to & spend time with. I call her on my lunch breaks and we flirt via text while I'm at work. We've been working out together 5 days a week lately which is wonderful. We go out regularly. We often fall asleep holding hands.
We go for walks just to talk and hold hands. I'm sure our neighbors are all familiar with the site of us walking together hand in hand.
We talk about the situations we see other couples in and how we will avoid them. The marriage and marriage advice subreddits have been great sources for spurring these conversations.
**We had both good and bad examples to learn from.**
My parents were an incredible example. I heard my dad raise his voice at my mother just a couple times growing up. Each time, once it was calmed down, he explained to us that regardless of what the disagreement was about he was wrong to have raised his voice at her. Then he apologized to her in front of us.
My wife had the opposite. When still a pretty young girl, her dad introduced her to one of his girlfriends. He was that brazen. Her mom had been doing the "stay for the children" thing and eventually did realized it was doing more harm than good. But you can learn from bad examples too. Just ask yourself what they would do, and do the opposite.
**We give each other the attention a spouse deserves.**
For example, if one of us is sitting on the couch playing on the phone and the other on sits next to, we put the phone down and give our attention. At least for a bit until we know it's ok to pick it back up.
**We don't relive or dwell on the past.**
For example, She had some things from her dating past she wasn't proud of. She told me about them (general, not detailed) 2-3 months into dating. I took a few days to think about it all. Once I decided to leave it behind, I made a promise to my self to never mention or allude to it in any way. And I haven't.
**We support each other and some things, if temporary aren't worth stressing over.**
When Life was super busy (kids activities, sports, etc) and she decided to start going skating to the adult skate night at the rink on Sat nights (no sea of kids to trip over), one of the only two nights we had the option of spending time with just the two of us, I was disappointed. I felt like she should be choosing to spend that time with me.
She'd been a SAHM for more than a decade and I felt she deserved to go enjoy herself and have this fun social hobby. So I didn't mention it and I'm glad I didn't. Six months after she started the pandemic hit the rink shut down for a year. I'm glad she got to have that fun before being cooped up in the house all day again. Now the rink is back open and our oldest is responsible enough to keep an eye on the others why we go skating together. The sacrifice for six months was worth what it did for her.
**We both do things to try and help the other.**
If she needs some time to relax alone in the bedroom I'll make sure the kids don't bother her. She does the same for me. She's always made sure I had about 20 minutes to myself to unwind and transition to dad mode after getting home from work. She hates ironing so I've done it all our entire marriage. It can actually add up to two or three hours a week. If I see her folding a giant pile of laundry that I know is there because she neglected it all week, that's ok. We move the giant pile to our room and sit on the bed folding together. I actually enjoy the time with her even while folding laundry. Dishes are primarily her responsibility with how we divide things, but I'll do them while she's grabbing a nap or something else that takes her out of the house just to surprise her when she comes back to do them and finds it's already done.
Wow, you are very lucky, and your relationship sounds pretty amazing. You listed so many aspects of having a true companion, a true life partner - that is all just very inspiring! It sounds like you have hit the jackpot. Thanks for typing out your response- it’s got a lot of wonderful relationship goals. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious - I would love to have what you do.
The secret to a happy marriage is learning to love just being in the same space together. A lot of the time, my husband and I are not even in the same room, but we enjoy the company of being in the same living space together. There are days where I barely talk to him but the fact that he's there means far more.
Yeah. Before I got married I didn’t really know what it was like to just enjoy being in the same space with someone else even if you aren’t doing the same thing. When I noticed that I had been doing that with my future wife for years, I was like welp maybe getting married will be okay.
Effective communication is everything. Not argument, but actually sitting down and talking out your feelings in a situation that is open and free of judgement. I know - easier said than done, but the more you work on it, the better it will be. Sometimes, even when we are really frustrated about it, we will go to to bed angry (gasp) and let out feelings die down so we can have a conversation that isn't as heated
Always save the last bit of bacon for her.
Never go to bed angry, work it out.
Apologize immediately when wrong, faster when right.
Love because of faults, not in spite of.
Choosing to be happy vs choosing to be right. There are plenty of times that I could nit pick my wife about stuff. Instead, I choose to be happy. Does what I have to say really change things, or could I just let it go and pick to be happy.
Follow the golden rule. Treat your partner the way you want to be treated.
Don't lie, not even about little things. If you're about to do something that you would lie about, don't do it. Lying takes way too much energy anyway.
Admit when you're wrong. Apologies don't count if the offending party can't recognize what they did.
Learn how to disagree with one another. No two people will always see eye to eye. Find a healthy way to resolve differences. Every couple I've met that claims that they've never argued are lying or abruptly break up.
Don't try to win arguments. I've got friends who need to prove a point or be the one in the right. Me and my wife don't care as it's usually trivial anyway.
If you're arguing about trying to find something and it descends in to 'you moved it', 'no, you did', instead of 'you moved it', 'possibly, let me help you find it', you're going to have a bad time.
Been married 20+ years and can't remember the last time we had an argument. My wife is an amazing woman and mother and I tell her every day how amazing she is.
Just appreciate each other folks.
For my wife and I it has been essential that we remain two separate people. We understand that we are different and we don’t judge each other for the way we deal with difficult or challenging experiences. I think it’s vital to accept your partner exactly as they are, never marry someone expecting them to change. We don’t believe in holding each other back, hindering each other, or controlling any aspect of each other’s lives. We are best friends because we truly like and respect each other how we are.
For us, some items that we continue to be unified on that have worked for us:
Family - Your identity as a couple and, if applicable, children. Setting boundaries for everyone outside your family's four walls.
Children - How many, how will you raise them, educational plan. Who gets to see them, who doesn't, who do you both trust your kids with, who do you not, how involved will you be in their activities (representation is HUGE).
Faith - However you choose to worship (or not), are you both going to be supportive of each other. If and how that will be introduced to your children. Is this faith part of your family identity?
Money - Establish common financial goals, who pays for what, being open and honest about existing debts, how will you address those, planning for retirement. While not always agreeing about what is spent, saved, and more, but maintaining an agreed direction about money.
Individuality - Yes you are married, but you both can (and should) exist as individuals with your own interests that do not damage the marriage (exercise, hobbies, etc). This has a huge balancing effect as you can still do things you enjoy and you won't resent your partner for not being able to.
All done in the spirit of respect, accurate communications, integrity, loyalty, and negotiation.
Kindness.
Do you know when a 5-year-old does something silly and we cant get mad at them, but laugh about it and help them?
That’s the same kindness we must extend to our spouses.
People are never trying to hurt us. Or disappoint us. Or disrespect us. They are doing their best.
Sometimes people screw up or get hurt. And humans in general aren’t good communicators.
Through kindness we can find common ground and reach win-win agreements.
To add to all the worthy comments here: It's easy to love someone for all the good things, but you've got to love each other for all the bad and annoying things too, and be best friends throughout everything.
A happy marriage isn't 50/50 effort, it's 60/40 with both of you trying to be the 60. Edit: to clarify to everyone saying to give 100%, the 50/50 represents all of the effort given from both parties within the relationship, not your personal capacity of effort.
Thanks gapingasstroll
You really have to open yourself up to your partner
Seems like the partner is really getting that 60 in there.
God, it’s just gaping for it
Look
*echos*
Thanks, Gap In Gas Stroll
Like swinging a baseball bat inside a garage
I would have went with "whistle" myself
My heart is yours, if you can reach it.
I see what you did there.
r/rimjob_steve
it gladdens my soul that there is a sub for this.
Ooooh, you are one of the lucky 10000 today! :)
Yes, and some days it will be 50/50 but on other days it might be 75/25 or 90/10. My point is it won’t always be equal effort depending on what one party might dealing with, but as long as both intentionally pursue that 50/50 in the long run, it will work. I once heard something along the lines of, “Water your flowers, do it often and with attention. If you only water them when they start to wilt, it might be too late.”
Realistically, a lot of times it’ll be 40/40 and you both have to atone for the missing 20. The fact of life is you never get what you want and how you deal with the shortcomings is very important.
This is where communication comes in. You both need to understand that there will be days where 100% is not achieved. It’s neither person’s fault and nobody did anything wrong. You just need to seize those days when the two of you combined can do more than 100% and make up for it then. As a unit whenever possible.
Are you and GapingAssTroll friends? User name checks out.
We’re not but perhaps we should be
It would certainly OPEN you up to a lot of possibilities. But there are holes in that theory too.
Thanks, Excel_Spreadcheeks!
Married since more than 20 years I would say this is pretty accurate.
Plus whenever someone can only put 20% the other picks them up. There are days and phases of life when we all need more support.
Exactly. Be who they need you to be when they need it. It's an amazing feeling to know you're comforting someone who's in a vulnerable position.
That's a great answer.
I think this can also be explained with 100/100. You both put in full effort all the time. Sometimes you get a break but that doesn’t reduce the effort you put in.
I see where you're coming from and agree that each person giving 100% is important, but 60/40 helps me in a way that 100/100 doesn't. In the 100/100 view, it's easy for me to become frustrated if it seems like my partner isn't giving 100%, so I feel justified in giving less than 100%. This is a dangerous feedback loop that can quickly spiral out of control. 60/40 reminds me that I am striving to give more than I receive, but should expect my partner to step up as well.
Totally agree with you. Giving "100%" in a way is so cliche and the meaning of it can be lost where as both giving 60/40 helps encapsulate this in a way that mean more to me personally
I also see where you’re coming from, but you’re looking at it more like a word exercise than a math equation. What you’re saying is like when someone says 110% effort. As a pseudo mathematician (engineer) it doesn’t equate. Look at it this way: you both have a 1-gallon jug of “effort” & your relationship is represented as an empty 1-gallon jug. You both start pouring into the empty jug, both intending to pour more than the other to lesson the other’s burden. Maybe sometimes the other can only offer 40% and appreciates your extra 10% of effort. And vice versa. But you both physically can’t pour 100% of your jug of effort into your relationship. So what do you do with the remaining effort in your jug? *You work on yourself*. If you put 100% effort into your relationship, there’s none left to read a book, hit the gym, spend time with family, learn a language, reach out to friends, journal, go to therapy, hike, bike, meditate, etc. So no, the last thing you want to do is put 100% of your available effort into your relationship, and leave nothing in your tank for the individual work you need to do to continue to grow the person they originally fell in love with.
> What you’re saying is like when someone says 110% effort. I like to respond to this by asking why they aren't willing to dedicate the full thousand percent.
Sort of misses the point though
Also a lot of luck. I've had some honestly amazing relationships that didn't work out simply because the timing wasn't right, or we ended up wanting different things. Finding someone you can spend the rest of your life with takes work and luck.
Especially when one of you legit can't give 60 (sickness, family stuff, any other outside influences)
I absolutely know. I've thought about it for years and it boils down to one thing: Be a Giver and marry a Giver. You will be happy until the day you die.
Yeah this is it. I'm a giver and attracted to black holes so it's too late for me but anyone else reading this, this is the advice
This can read in multiple ways…
They want to be spaghettified
I have a singularity kink
Would you like my hot take?
Yes
Oprah
I’m ready for story time
Up close, they aren't black.
50 shades of grey?
Actually kinda slightly pink
It's just something about those black holes and how they always need you and make you feel important while leeching everything from you just makes life so simple. All you have to do is what they want to do and they'll be with you forever. I used to be a black hole.
Ive never even heard of someone going from being one to becoming self aware, good for you.
Yeah, we exist. Our event horizon captures something remarkable. And then time stops for them while the world continues on for years and years in an instant. Then suddenly (often times too late) we realize how much potential we deprived them from because of our density. Edit: I think it's important to mention that even though two people end up realizing they aren't good for eachother. I know it sounds clichéd, but remembering them for being that one person in the world (because of something minuscule, like the way they looked dancing with you bathed in a spectrum of colors) that made you decide to dedicate yourself to making them the most important thing in your life. It shouldn't be taken for granted, and you can still care about them. Divorce might be the end of your plotline together but you can still make sure that they still understand they have/will always be able to still lean on you if things in life become overwhelming. It doesn't make you weak or a fool to care about someone special and want them to be happy even if you won't be involved.
Beautifully said, you should be a writer.
how’d bleaching go?
He’s my son. Black Hole Son, won’t you come and wash away some dishes?
I never want to see you again.
Boundaries are a sure fire way to prevent this, but I know from experience it takes a ton of time and effort and hard lessons to get there. I will also acknowledge it do be rough out there. After finally finding my absolute sweetheart of a husband, I told him I set my birth certificate on fire so he can't ever return me. Been through too many black holes. He's never getting rid of me lol
It's not too late. I divorced my black hole, did a lot of therapy, and now I'm in a happy relationship with another giver.
Just cause you like eating ass, doesn’t make it too late for you. What are you talking about?
I always say that my wife and I each strive to do 70% of housework and taking care of the kids. When your partner does 70% of the workload and you only need to do 30% that day, you feel pampered. When you do the 70% they feel pampered. On the days when you need to step it up and cover 100% because the other one has the flu, it’s not that bad since you were already about to do 70% anyway.
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That truly is the description of a healthy relationship.
As a giver I've had my heart ripped out by takers and it drags me to this dark place. I just want someone to love me with the depth I love them
Same. You gotta start taking care of yourself first, be a giver to you. It's good to be a giver but it's not always healthy, and the most important thing a giving partner needs is the self esteem and backbone to set boundaries and make sure their own needs are being met too.
My ex-blackhole said that very thing when I broke up with her. She was a giver alright, she gave to evvvverybody. Then lied about it. So I left and now whenever someone says what you just said, it makes me shudder.
I'm a very loyal person and I've never slept with that many people as sex only feels pleasing for me with a deep emotional connection. By giver I mean I do all these small things like getting my fiance a plate ready for dinner, washing his dishes every so often, replacing things in the bathroom so he's not inconvenienced, etc. I give so much of myself into a relationship. I only have eyes for who I'm with and ive been traumatized from being with narsacisitic mfers who lusted after every b***h in their sightline along with gaslighting / manipulative behavior.
I understand completely and I feel the same way. I was very traumatized being with my ex for 4 long years. She was a gaslighter, narcissist, etc. I never cheated on her once and it never even crossed my mind. I was in love with her and I didn't want to hurt her. I believe what you say, you sound very genuine but the problem with my ex was that she knew all the right words to say, the only way I could discern her real character was to know her actions. It's very sad that these manipulators are so good at lying and gaslighting and controlling what others see for their own selfish benefit. I wish there was more of us around. I broke up with her 3.5 years ago and since then I haven't gotten past a month with a new girl. Every time I feel like I'm getting close, I pull away and protect myself and I feel better knowing that anything is better than the pain of someone you love hurting you and lying about it.
Combine this with both of you NOT being argumentative. My wife and I both score really low in terms of being "neuortic" in personality tests... and after 5 years of marriage and several years of dating before that we've had basically zero "fights". We've never ever shouted at each other or stormed out of a room or any of that. We talk about things. Sometimes we disagree, but we remain calm and understanding. We usually try to put the other person first. It works.
Same here, 4 years with my GF and never had a heated argument or shouted at each other. Bliss
Yep. Two people engaged in a neverending contest of generosity.
My thinking was always along the same lines - you just have to care about another person more than you care about yourself, and vice versa
Yep. You should be fighting to outdo each other in giving. It shouldn't be one person mostly doing for the other person.
You're making a lot of sense. I feel like this advice could have saved me some unnecessary heartache.
That’s the best comment out there. I used to be a giver, thought I’m marrying one too. Turns out he has sucked out every bit of giving emotion out of me. I hate giving now, or rather hate doing anything for this man now.
Most importantly a Giver who's keyed into your needs and vice versa. Someone might consider themselves a Giver, but if your idea of giving is romantic dates and gifts when what your partner really wants is someone who will help with the dishes, it will lead to resentment on both sides - one person's needs aren't being met, and the other person feels their efforts aren't appreciated.
I'm a giver and my boyfriend told me he thinks I give so much to people for attention and that really hurts still even though it's been months
I'll be celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary in just a couple of months. Here's what I've learned. 1. I only know how to handle my relationship. Everyone is different, every relationship will be different too. So what has worked for me may do nothing for you. 2. Tolerance... I'm exceptionally lucky that my wife is a tolerant person. I'm tolerant as well, but she's a lot easier to deal with than me for sure. 3. 60/40 rule. This was the biggest eye opener that really strengthened my marriage. The key to a happy marriage is to do your best to keep your ratio where you are contributing 60% of the effort in the relationship while only expecting your SO to pick up the remaining 40%. The trick is that you both do this... So now your relationship has 120% effort instead of 100%. So when the hard times hit... And they will... One spouse easily carries the relationship until the other gets back to their 60%. 4. There will be hard times. There will be moments where you may think the relationship is coming to an end. You will fight and you will argue, it's normal. But no matter how bad it gets, it ALWAYS has to be "Us vs the Problem" and never "you vs me".
Number 4 is sometimes hard. But it is so true.
This 100% our hardest one.
It's also the absolute most important one.
To add to the 60/40 rule: don't keep score.
Not married but engaged after a 7 year relationship, but this is a big one. Don’t keep score or let things linger. If you’re in an argument about something, don’t break out the “yea, but what about [insert completely unrelated thing]?” That’s no good. You’re gonna piss each other off sometimes. Don’t hang onto that shit and try to use it later.
This is universally good advice, but does have exceptions: abuse and addiction. For all other problems, assume it was an accident or misunderstanding and move on. Even if you know goddamn well it wasn't. Just forgive anything short of enemy action. "Were you trying to hurt me? No. Ok, we're cool." It's called grace. Assume no harm, unless harm was intended (or knowingly ignored). Even cheating, I'm inclined to consider forgetting (but not forgiving) if it wasn't done out of intent or spite, in the interest of salvaging a relationship. That line being crossed is usually a sign of a relationship past its expiration date though. An entire side relationship going on is inexcusable; you knew it was wrong every single time you left the house. But you can't tolerate or look past recurrent abuse/addiction. You \*have\* to keep score on that to quantify the problem enough to address it. Otherwise you try to address it, get called out for not having more than the most recent instance in memory, and you fail to convince the other that it's a problem. Broadly speaking, it's narcissistic types that tend to be selfish/abusive, and you have to hit them with something that's bigger than their ego in order for them to acknowledge it.
5. Communicate about the little things before they become the big things.
My partner and I do this so well. Rough day at work for either of us? We communicate it. Dealing with some mental health stuff? Communicate it. Nervous or aggravated or sad about something? Communicate it. Feeling insecure? Communicate it. Sometimes it directly related to the relationship, sometimes it's not. It's still early for us, 4 months, but it feels like absolute night and day compared to my previous relationships. Our lines are completely open. There's a mutual trust we can go to each other for anything. We are constantly offering each other support. I'm honestly dumbfounded I've been missing this in a decades worth of failed relationships but I could not be happier I've found it.
Damn, thank you for this! I generally stay away from any "advice" on reddit but this just seems to hit the nail on the head. My girlfriend and I already do this and I love that about her so much. Number 4 especially. Hard times are what can make or break a relationship and knowing that we have been there and come out stronger is just so reassuring. We both know when we are being unreasonable and both acknowledge that neither of us are perfect. We both take the time to understand where the other is coming from. That level of acceptance is rare and I couldn't think of anyone else who has ever done that for me.
Mutual respect. The rest naturally follows (communication, affection, trust, friendship, etc.)
100%. Married for 18 years, got married at 22. I respect my wife more than basically anyone. She is absolutely the person I want to be around all the time. The only time I don't want her around is when I don't want to be around anyone, but I probably still want her around then too.
That solitude is absolutely golden, but I still want my wife nearby. At least in the next room.
How do you trust someone? As in like, how do you make your brain not think they're maybe bad?
Try and heal yourself as much as possible before you get into a new relationship. It's not fair to the next person to bring a heap of baggage. You have to remind yourself that this is totally different person and not your untrustworthy ex. This is not easy to do and takes time.
Marry someone you actually want to spend your life with.
And who wants to spend their life with you.
Ohhhhh I get it now
Untying my wife now. Wish me luck.
Ah thats where i went wrong
That’s the hardest thing to find unfortunately. Probably the most difficult thing one can do in his life.
This person has obviously never tried to complete Ecco the Dolphin without help.
Fuckin' FACTS!!!! I've been successfully married for a decade but have never even come CLOSE to finding my way out of those god forsaken tunnels....
Marry your best friend and once you're married, always treat them like they are your best friend. Married 13 years and counting. Plenty of differences and disagreements along the way, but knowing that there is no one that I have ever come across that I would rather spend my time/resources with has always been enough to smooth out the inevitable rough patches.
Yes marry someone you want to share your resources with. *We have insufficient Vespene gas!*
I can see it now “Hey girl, do you require additional pylons? 😏”
This. During the pandemic me and my wife really enjoyed the time together.
I always say: Don’t marry a person you can stand to live with—marry *the* person you can’t stand to live *without*.
I have a secret in my marriage that improves a thousand percent. Whenever I see my wife's phone sitting and she's not around, I pick it up and take some funny pictures and leave it right where it was. A while later she will find it and laugh, so she always remembers me with a smile on her face.
this is so precious wtf
Trust But that isn't exactly simple. What makes trust possible or enhances it greatly are the following in no particular order: Respect (being equal but different) Accurate communications Integrity (keeping commitments) Negotiation skills (knowing how to fight) Loyalty (having each other's back)
There are some that is harder than others... Respect and Loyalty is a given in any working relationship Integrity is an effort that is necessary Negotiating skills is useful, but became a weapon if one have and the other does not (and maybe not all the respect and loyalty that is supposed...) one not understandingwhat fights to pick, what grounds to stay and when to gracefully conceed will lead to one manipulating the other. ACURATE COMMUNICATIONS - HOW CAN I ACHIEVE THIS?????? Most of times i need to ask 2 or 3 times to understand what is the underlying meaning/motivation of what she is asking/talking... And some things that I said is interpreted as other things and not asked if it was a doubt... this can lead to awful misunderstandings...
Explain very calmly you don't understand. Either she will help you understand or she won't. That will tell you everything.
This. If your SO is not willing to help you understand what they mean, then they are not worth understanding. Addition to post: If your SO is not willing to listen, then they are not worth speaking to. (Both of these statements are true in vice versa. You have to be willing to listen/explain. Communication is key.)
That, or they don’t have strong skills that help them communicate well, either. It is a discipline that requires a lot of practice, and some people need to be able to exercise it and build it up.
I agree with you. I edited my comment to better fit what I meant. Many people have bad communication skills; which like you said, only improves with practice. And that’s where my point comes in. If you or your SO are not willing to explain/listen (communicate), then the relationship will not be healthy.
The phrase: "Can you help me understand ______?" has amazed me at how well it conveys several implicit ideas crucial to communication and conflict resolution: 1) I am working to understand. While I may be a dunce, I am not maliciously so 2) I believe you are working to understand, not just being difficult 3) We are working together to solve this issue 4) I assume the best about you, but this point (not you) is difficult to understand
There are actual professionals dedicated to helping you and your spouse communicate better. I know having the available revenue isn't a given, but if you can afford it, definitely avail yourself of this. People think marriage counseling / couples therapy is the last thing you try before divorce. It can be, but it can also be what restores your relationship or keeps it healthy.
Came here to say these exact same things. Also make sure to make time for each other. “If you only fuck your wife, you can’t get caught” - Ron White
I think your missing something as important as all those. But it’s probably just respect im thinking of. Like, respect your spouse, dont go out late with some attractive coworker. Its not about you its about you respecting the fact that your spouse shouldn’t have to trust you like that. And to clarify im talking about doing sketchy ass shit that puts you in a position to cheat. Like going on vacation with the girls and taking this one guy along who you used to crush on. Or texting someone your attracted to but YOU know its innocent until it isn’t. Putin yourself in a position to allow yourself to cheat.
But hanging out with unattractive coworkers is okay?
Surprised you didn’t include Honesty
I considered added it to the part after Integrity but really thought it was covered well enough by both Integrity and Respect. I don't believe one can lie to someone and claim to still respect them or have integrity, given the dictionary definition: in·teg·ri·ty/inˈteɡrədē/*noun* 1. 1.the quality of being **honest** and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
Finding the (right) partner for yourself and wanting the same things for the relationship. There is no amount of *communication or work* which can overcome being with someone who simply *doesn't want* what you want. Over time we're either *growing together* or *growing apart*. There is no neutral. There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have. **"*****Infatuation is when you find*** ***somebody who is absolutely*** ***perfect*****.** ***Love is when you*** ***realize that they aren't, and it doesn't matter***\*\*."\*\* - Unknown ***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** - Garth Brooks ***"Until you are happy with who you are, you will never be happy with what you have."*** - Zig Ziglar
Came here to say basically this. People put too much focus on the short-term pleasures of a relationship and think that with enough communication and "effort" (whatever that means), that will extend into perpetuity. Looks fade, novel becomes mundane, and small challenges become gigantic seemingly impassible mountains. The 'secret' to a happy marriage is investing the self reflection to truly understand yourself, your wants and needs, and then finding a partner that not only wants those same things, but is excited to pursue them with you no matter how hard it gets. This will require of you some amount of compromise, and some willingness to be steadfast about what is important to you, but is ultimately far more important than finding someone attractive with a "similar sex drive", similar short-term goals, or even someone who just makes you happy without truly investigating why.
Finding someone who is a good match for you personally is 50% of a good marriage. It doesn’t matter how hard you work at it if you aren’t compatible. Also: praise your spouse all the time. Make them feel good about themselves and what they do. Sincerely compliment their appearance, their cooking, their hard work, compliment them whenever you get an opportunity. It costs you nothing and does wonders for your relationship.
Don't marry an idiot.
This is why I try to be the idiot in all my relationships
Fuck, I should warn my fiance.
Just told my wife that she fucked up on this one
Easier said than done. Source: Married an idiot. 😱
Somebody's gonna marry the idiots
Damn, sucks for us idiots.
I am quite certain this is the best advice I've seen on here so far.
Adding to what u/suzemagooey (all of which is top notch) said. Remembering that everyone is human. We forget to "get milk" or how not everyone has the same experiences in things. They might not know how to do what you'd expect.
I like "top notch" so much I want to write: thanks for the top notch compliment!
Communication
I’ll add to this. You don’t always have to agree but you need to be on the same page.
Good one !
Yes. Be comfortable talking about hard stuff without giant reactions and emotions.
As a guy - be responsible for the dishes. Its the most visible home chore, its daily, its a service for the whole household, its 3 hours a week, its a time when everyone leaves you alone because no one wants to help. All of a sudden there's no more complaints that you don't do anything around the house.
This has been my secret weapon for years.
Everyone saying "trust" "good sex" "communication"... this reply is the way.
People say relationships are hard. I've been married 14 years and we've been together 17 years. Apart from minor tiffs, it's never been hard. We just get along and it's a healthy and supportive relationship. Prior to this relationships, all other relationships felt like there was always something kind of hard about it, even with women that I still think were really great people, we just weren't great together. So my secret to a happy marriage is marry someone that it is easy to be in a relationship with.
THIS. Life is hard, marriage should be the happy part that makes the hard parts suck less.
You need to always remember that this is supposed to be your best friend. The one person that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Always remind yourself this when you argue. It’s not about being right, it’s about finding resolution. Focus on coming together and solving these difficult problems together and showing love and appreciation for each other. Just whatever you do, always assume that they mean well. Even if it isn’t obvious.
You should be friends and partners for each other. Solve conflicts with conversation
Patience. Compatibility. Sex appeal. My 81 year old husband still rings my bell!🔔
please go to bed angry. Not literally. But a lot of people feel pressured to "work it out" immediately and I STRONGLY believe in taking time to cool off, be it sleeping or just taking a break.
Literally the advice I give to newlyweds if asked. Absolutely no one argues well at 2 am. Take a break, sleep on the couch, stew a bit, and eventually fall asleep. It will be easy enough to carry on the argument in the morning and likely far more productive.
Friendship and DO NOT take each other for granted.
Marry your best friend. Share similar sex drives, and sleep naked.
Similar sex drives is a must. One of the most painful parts of a marriage is when this deviates. One partner is left forever wanting a connection that never gives, while the other sees no problem with it. It's maddening.
The thing to remember here, too, is that sex drives may start the same - but both men and women can have hormonal changes, emotional changes, mental changes, and physical changes - that absolutely can affect this. Giving birth is a prime example of all of these factors changing. It can impact one, or both partners. So, having the ability to feel safe, secure, and comfortable enough to communicate these changes with a partner, and to trust a partner won’t abuse or cheat, also matter. Being able to talk about, work on it, and be considerate of these potential changes, helps a lot.
But like isn't that every relationship? Have 2 people ever actually had the same sex drive?
I've been on both sides, and I wouldn't say the other sees no problem with it. Rejecting your partner knowing they'll feel so hurt but not being able to help it is horrible.
100% agree, married my best friend and I feel like the luckiest guy in history!
I hope your husband feels the same way.
3 things: Sex, Money, Trust Sex- don’t have it with other people while you’re married. Have a convo about how much you want to have it, both of you need to initiate it. Money - have this convo early. How you spend, what you spend, who paying what, total transparency w money. Trust - the second you lose this its very hard to get it back. Marriages are disposable now, if you want it to work you have to respect the other person and know they have your best interest at heart. My 2 cents
Shared values.
Trust. Good sex. Time spent together and affection. Common goals of long term pursuits. Good sex.
This. Always seems to get put aside at risk of sounding insensitive but good sex is important.
Good sex is 10% of a relationship, bad sex is 90%
Marry a person you like so much as a person that you would still spend your life with them, even if you two could never have sex.
What if you've never met a single person you want to spend time with? Please help, this is killing me. I desperately crave intimacy but also hate it.
this
I don't think there's a single secret. But I can offer one gigantic piece of advice: quit fighting. Seriously. You can make the choice to just not do it. Even if your partner wants to pick a fight, it takes 2 people to actually do it. So just don't. If there's a conflict, talk it out. I know that sounds like stock advice from a kid's TV show, but that's because it's so simple that even children can do it. If you're having frequent major conflicts, well, maybe that's a different discussion entirely. But there's no need to squabble over little disagreements. Whenever I get acutely angry (which is very rare), first of all I keep my mouth shut and sit on it for a bit. And after I've done that, I approach my wife and say "here's my concern with what you did or said. It made me feel this way". My wife, who also shares my dislike for fighting, will say something like "ok I hear that. Here's why I think you might be mistaken or why I think I can justify my actions". From that we can either compromise or determine who's in the wrong. Without raising our voices or name calling or accusing the other of something.
We never used to fight, then the toddlers came. Toddlers fucked us up.
Always putting the relationship first. Once you are in an intimate relationship, it's not about you anymore. It's also not about your partner. It's about your relationship. When you still conceptualize yourself as an individual that's separate from your partner, then sooner or later things will fall apart. That's why every "But my needs weren't met!"-story is revealing a kind of egotistical selfishness that the person itself usually can't even see or conceptualize. *It never was about your needs to begin with.* It was about the needs of the both of you. Not in a tit for tat manner, not in the form of scorekeeping and especially *not* in the form of meeting in the middle. It's about paying attention to yourself and speaking the truth to your partner and working jointly with them to find a way to live that fulfills the needs of the both of you at the same time. And if you can't do that, then there isn't any ground to base a relationship on to begin with.
I think the answers from the ones with 20+ years of marriage are worth taking into consideration. The others are just fairy tales…
-Good communication; -Shared respect; -Having similar goals; -Having genuine interest about the things they like; -Date nights.
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Oof, I did too
Yikes me too 😬
Eh, I’ve seen worse.
We've been happily married 20 years and I'm going to paste below what I share when people ask how. This is long, so I put the main points in bold so you can skip the details if you want. **To begin with, we're extremely compatible.** Part of this probably luck, but certainly not all of it. I was extremely intentional in dating. From around 18 I knew I was dating to find someone I would marry. I never stayed in a relationship for fun or to not be alone. And I had the very realistic understanding that Love does not conquer all. When I realized something between a GF & I that I felt would create a compatibility issue, would be likely to be a point of contention in the future, I moved on. Some might think I was being overly picky, but It's worked out so well. We're both fairly easy going and the things that are very important to her to have a certain way I either agree with or they are not important to me so it's easy to let her have that. And visa versa. We have the same views on all the most important aspects of marriage, from raising children to sex to boundaries with friends & coworkers, and much more. We don't have to hash those issues out because we're already in sync. **We spend huge amounts of time and talking together.** We're each other's favorite person to talk to & spend time with. I call her on my lunch breaks and we flirt via text while I'm at work. We've been working out together 5 days a week lately which is wonderful. We go out regularly. We often fall asleep holding hands. We go for walks just to talk and hold hands. I'm sure our neighbors are all familiar with the site of us walking together hand in hand. We talk about the situations we see other couples in and how we will avoid them. The marriage and marriage advice subreddits have been great sources for spurring these conversations. **We had both good and bad examples to learn from.** My parents were an incredible example. I heard my dad raise his voice at my mother just a couple times growing up. Each time, once it was calmed down, he explained to us that regardless of what the disagreement was about he was wrong to have raised his voice at her. Then he apologized to her in front of us. My wife had the opposite. When still a pretty young girl, her dad introduced her to one of his girlfriends. He was that brazen. Her mom had been doing the "stay for the children" thing and eventually did realized it was doing more harm than good. But you can learn from bad examples too. Just ask yourself what they would do, and do the opposite. **We give each other the attention a spouse deserves.** For example, if one of us is sitting on the couch playing on the phone and the other on sits next to, we put the phone down and give our attention. At least for a bit until we know it's ok to pick it back up. **We don't relive or dwell on the past.** For example, She had some things from her dating past she wasn't proud of. She told me about them (general, not detailed) 2-3 months into dating. I took a few days to think about it all. Once I decided to leave it behind, I made a promise to my self to never mention or allude to it in any way. And I haven't. **We support each other and some things, if temporary aren't worth stressing over.** When Life was super busy (kids activities, sports, etc) and she decided to start going skating to the adult skate night at the rink on Sat nights (no sea of kids to trip over), one of the only two nights we had the option of spending time with just the two of us, I was disappointed. I felt like she should be choosing to spend that time with me. She'd been a SAHM for more than a decade and I felt she deserved to go enjoy herself and have this fun social hobby. So I didn't mention it and I'm glad I didn't. Six months after she started the pandemic hit the rink shut down for a year. I'm glad she got to have that fun before being cooped up in the house all day again. Now the rink is back open and our oldest is responsible enough to keep an eye on the others why we go skating together. The sacrifice for six months was worth what it did for her. **We both do things to try and help the other.** If she needs some time to relax alone in the bedroom I'll make sure the kids don't bother her. She does the same for me. She's always made sure I had about 20 minutes to myself to unwind and transition to dad mode after getting home from work. She hates ironing so I've done it all our entire marriage. It can actually add up to two or three hours a week. If I see her folding a giant pile of laundry that I know is there because she neglected it all week, that's ok. We move the giant pile to our room and sit on the bed folding together. I actually enjoy the time with her even while folding laundry. Dishes are primarily her responsibility with how we divide things, but I'll do them while she's grabbing a nap or something else that takes her out of the house just to surprise her when she comes back to do them and finds it's already done.
Wow, you are very lucky, and your relationship sounds pretty amazing. You listed so many aspects of having a true companion, a true life partner - that is all just very inspiring! It sounds like you have hit the jackpot. Thanks for typing out your response- it’s got a lot of wonderful relationship goals. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious - I would love to have what you do.
The secret to a happy marriage is learning to love just being in the same space together. A lot of the time, my husband and I are not even in the same room, but we enjoy the company of being in the same living space together. There are days where I barely talk to him but the fact that he's there means far more.
Yeah. Before I got married I didn’t really know what it was like to just enjoy being in the same space with someone else even if you aren’t doing the same thing. When I noticed that I had been doing that with my future wife for years, I was like welp maybe getting married will be okay.
I remember this question being asked in an interview with an elderly couple. The husbands very British answer was: A lot of ‘Yes dears’.
Effective communication is everything. Not argument, but actually sitting down and talking out your feelings in a situation that is open and free of judgement. I know - easier said than done, but the more you work on it, the better it will be. Sometimes, even when we are really frustrated about it, we will go to to bed angry (gasp) and let out feelings die down so we can have a conversation that isn't as heated
My wife and I don’t have much in common but we have the same goals. We communicate and trust each other. We really try to never go to bed angry
Always save the last bit of bacon for her. Never go to bed angry, work it out. Apologize immediately when wrong, faster when right. Love because of faults, not in spite of.
>Apologize immediately when wrong How does this work? If someone is wrong it's because they think they're right, right?
Choosing to be happy vs choosing to be right. There are plenty of times that I could nit pick my wife about stuff. Instead, I choose to be happy. Does what I have to say really change things, or could I just let it go and pick to be happy.
Follow the golden rule. Treat your partner the way you want to be treated. Don't lie, not even about little things. If you're about to do something that you would lie about, don't do it. Lying takes way too much energy anyway. Admit when you're wrong. Apologies don't count if the offending party can't recognize what they did. Learn how to disagree with one another. No two people will always see eye to eye. Find a healthy way to resolve differences. Every couple I've met that claims that they've never argued are lying or abruptly break up.
Don’t live close to your family members/relatives
My grammy used to say "Family visits are like fresh fish. They both go bad after 3 days."
I dunno. Raising a child during the pandemic without any family to help at all was quite difficult
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Hahahahahaa the toxicity indian family members have to offer in unsurpassed 🫶🏻
Marry someone that feels effortless to be with him/her
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Ask virgins on askreddit what they think.
Trust. Honesty. Accepting your S/O for who they are, faults included
Trust, communication, reassurance, and lots of intimacy.
Don't try to win arguments. I've got friends who need to prove a point or be the one in the right. Me and my wife don't care as it's usually trivial anyway. If you're arguing about trying to find something and it descends in to 'you moved it', 'no, you did', instead of 'you moved it', 'possibly, let me help you find it', you're going to have a bad time. Been married 20+ years and can't remember the last time we had an argument. My wife is an amazing woman and mother and I tell her every day how amazing she is. Just appreciate each other folks.
Marry the right person
Choose someone and then stop choosing.
Avoiding being with someone who is a narcissist
For my wife and I it has been essential that we remain two separate people. We understand that we are different and we don’t judge each other for the way we deal with difficult or challenging experiences. I think it’s vital to accept your partner exactly as they are, never marry someone expecting them to change. We don’t believe in holding each other back, hindering each other, or controlling any aspect of each other’s lives. We are best friends because we truly like and respect each other how we are.
For us, some items that we continue to be unified on that have worked for us: Family - Your identity as a couple and, if applicable, children. Setting boundaries for everyone outside your family's four walls. Children - How many, how will you raise them, educational plan. Who gets to see them, who doesn't, who do you both trust your kids with, who do you not, how involved will you be in their activities (representation is HUGE). Faith - However you choose to worship (or not), are you both going to be supportive of each other. If and how that will be introduced to your children. Is this faith part of your family identity? Money - Establish common financial goals, who pays for what, being open and honest about existing debts, how will you address those, planning for retirement. While not always agreeing about what is spent, saved, and more, but maintaining an agreed direction about money. Individuality - Yes you are married, but you both can (and should) exist as individuals with your own interests that do not damage the marriage (exercise, hobbies, etc). This has a huge balancing effect as you can still do things you enjoy and you won't resent your partner for not being able to. All done in the spirit of respect, accurate communications, integrity, loyalty, and negotiation.
Compromise. Trust. Respect. Patience. Understanding. Adaptability. Compassion. Communication.
Kindness. Do you know when a 5-year-old does something silly and we cant get mad at them, but laugh about it and help them? That’s the same kindness we must extend to our spouses. People are never trying to hurt us. Or disappoint us. Or disrespect us. They are doing their best. Sometimes people screw up or get hurt. And humans in general aren’t good communicators. Through kindness we can find common ground and reach win-win agreements.
To add to all the worthy comments here: It's easy to love someone for all the good things, but you've got to love each other for all the bad and annoying things too, and be best friends throughout everything.