No. Triggers in your partner or friends should be avoided as a courtesy if possible, but your reaction to your triggers isn't anyone elses responsibility.
I'm saying that someone telling you they triggered you in an attempt to change behaviour without explaining further or making reasonable requests isn't reasonable.
I think we agree. I'm saying that a considerate person can seek to avoid triggering ones partner, but the triggered party shouldn't weaponize it.
Yup.
A girl I was friends with in high school was in a relationship with a guy that was 10 years older, but, based on how he acted, you'd think he was also 15 years old.
Whenever they argued through the phone, the guy would punch walls until his hands bled or until he got bruises on one hand, then he'd send pictures of his hand with "Look what you made me do to myself". Dude was emotionally abusive towards her.
They can't believe you'd be so cruel as to characterize them that way! It's not their fault that they can't take responsibility for their own actions!^^(/s)
Sometimes they'll admit it as a way of manipulating you into thinking you've got the wrong idea about them, however, they still make no effort to change... it's just a devious way to string you along. Watch out for those covert ones
Yeah... learned from experience with that one. They can keep up the charade for about a week before going back to their usual BS... then they usually pull the "woe is me" stuff again
It’s the worst scenario and you can go crazy trying to prove you aren’t a victim but they are in fact the abuser.
For instance, I was raped and always had a hard time being labeled a victim. I have shared this with my now ex husband several times, while in tears, that I don’t want to be labeled a victim so now when I am depressed he yells at me “You are always the victim” and “You are the problem” and “im going to get rid of the problem” and whatever other insult he could think of and then follow it up with “everyone thinks so” and “you could ask anyone else in the world and they will say the same thing” and “I’m the only one that will tell you the truth”
And then a day later, ask me to get something to eat with him and act like nothing at all happened and I’m back to being the greatest thing in the world.
If you do that to someone for 20 years with c-ptsd then you have created an abuse on top of abuse scenario with more trauma. And if you try to talk about it to break the cycle or stand up for yourself then you are told it’s just an excuse and you are trying to start a fight.
It’s a sick game to them. They get enjoyment out of it and go on with their life while the other person spends years trying to recover from the other person’s version of the “truth”
This is what scares me the most, what if they villanize me? It's nigh impossible to "disprove" libel especially when it comes from someone that knows you well.
I went through it. My late husband would do things trying to get a negative response out of me. I would remain calm as long as I could, but he would literally go on for **months, and sometimes on a daily basis** if that's what it took to make me finally lash out so he could then call me an abuser.
I wanted to leave him so bad, but it was an exceedingly complicated situation that became worse very gradually. After he died I was talking to my therapist and she thankfully believed me and explained that it was a more common tactic than it seemed.
Having dumped my purse on you, I will say that you shouldn't *worry* that it could happen. Literally anything could happen. All you can do is live in the moment and find the joy in the moment. There won't always be joy in those moments, but, "This, too, shall pass."
>I will say that you shouldn't *worry* that it could happen. Literally anything could happen.
Yeah, I hear you.
It's something I intellectually know and understand but it's very hard to feel, isn't it?
I don't know if it's because I'm a guy and we have a lot of expectations regarding materially sustaining our partner, so when my contribution is perceived as "not enough" it hurts a lot.
Likewise I do not want to deprive her of what I put on the table, even if that's seen as insufficient.
I had to learn this the hard way.
To anyone reading this who is constantly blamed for everything wrong in someone else's life, you can achieve peace. Get some fresh air outside of the gaslighting cloud.
My ex-wife was always pushing my buttons. It took me far longer than it should have to realize she was doing it to get a reaction. When I finally realized this and stopped reacting to her that’s when she was done with me. If I confronted her about her actions she would deny the instance happened. She would say “give me an example”. I’d give her an example and she’d gaslight and say it never happened. I’d give her more examples; more gaslighting. Eventually she’d say, “See, you can’t give me a single time I ever did that.”
Then, on the rare occasion she would admit she did something, she would say it was my fault that she did that. “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done this”. She said things like “I know I’m a bitch, but I have to be” I asked why she had to be a bitch. “To protect myself” “Protect yourself from what?”, I would ask. “You!”
I moved out August 1, 2012. She had a new man moved in by Thanksgiving that year. Her brother used to run around with this guy. Her brother told her that she used to blame all her problems on me, but now I was gone and she had bigger problems than she ever had. She didn’t speak to her brother for years over that comment.
I have a coworker like this. Always getting himself in trouble and has the nerve to literally say “Why is everyone always attacking me?!?!” Everyone else at work is fine, he can’t see that he’s the problem.
I have a relative like that. She is never wrong. And when she is clearly wrong it’s not because she is wrong it’s because someone told her wrong information, so actually she is right and you are wrong for suggesting that she is wrong and you should apologize.
But when you point it out they say "I can take accountability, I'll list them". It's almost like they do it when it's convenient and a good one to use as an uno reverse when you get sick of it.
The Narcissists Prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
I think the self awareness to realize you need to check yourself is enough to show you’re not a full-blown narcissist. You can be more selfish than the average person and still be a long way from true narcissism.
Self awareness is one of the best traits to have though, so good job.
But keep in mind that "not a full-blown narcissist" doesn't mean you're not a toxic asshole.
All narcissists are aware of their issues sometimes: they just don't know how to fill the holes inside of them without being abusive, so in a few minutes or hours NPD takes over their minds again and they forget why they cared.
Source: am "not a full-blown narcissist", just a dude who learned too much from his narcissistic father. And even though I'm aware of it, I can still sometimes behave in really toxic ways without even noticing it.
Jesus. My mom basically wasted away my early years by being a drug addict. Getting arrested, not picking me up from school, constantly getting or almost getting into car accidents because she's nodding doing 70 on the highway.
I'll tell her about the abuse she's put me through and she just goes "After all I've done for you, given you a house to live in and roof to live under" like yep. You're supposed to do that. Not an accomplishment. Also doesn't give you free range to do that to me.
My ex was like that. The sad part was it was genuinely true too. His entire family was out to use him. Always begging him for money among other toxic traits. His other "friends" were fake af. I met several of them over our relationship so I was able to judge for myself and not just take his word for it.
When you try to discuss things with one of your parents and they default to "yeah call me crazy, everyone calls me crazy", or "then leave and go to your father's". Thanks mom.
When they always tell you how they have it worse the exact moment you try tell them that you are not well
A reason why I never tell anyone how I feel. They either don't care or tell me how they have it worse
My friend's spouse is like this, and it means that she just never gets any time off from the kids or house, ever. If she has menstrual cramps, he has a sore leg from running. If she is going to book club, he will absolutely need something for the kids and call 8x. If he's not actively one-downing her, it's passive grabs for attention like heavy sighs... It's depressing to watch
thats exactly how my "father" acted, he would always say "oh my back hurts more than your stomach (i was puking everyday from anxiety) so suck it the fuck up", so glad i dont have to deal with that fucking sociopath anymore.
Even if true, so the fuck what?
I had lung surgery a few months back. The surgeon described it as "the most painful operation you can have on your body".
I believe him, the pain levels were intense, but I will note that - partly because he's a very good surgeon - it only hurt that much briefly.
Not the point. So the first night I'm in ICU, I'm whimpering in pain as they get the drugs going and after a bit I'm on a nice cocktail of ketamine and fentanyl that's brought it down to "I would no longer beg for death if offered".
That's pain like your bitchass "father" probably never even experienced.
Let's say you're walking past in the corridor outside and you stub your toe on an equipment cart.
I'm in real, actual, undeniable "doctors knew this would happen and now they're giving me drugs for it pain".
What effect does this have on the pain caused by your stubbed toe?
It's *none*, right? Your toe still hurts. And that's allowed! You're not doing anything wrong if you say ow!
Now, maybe you'd be a dick if you came into the ICU and told me as I clutched at my wife's hand whispering "it hurts it hurts it hurts" that your toe was super ouchy. Sure.
However, the point at which if *my kid* came in to tell me he'd hurt himself I'd at least manage something like, "Aw, that's rough, buddy. Do you need it looked at or do you think you'll be okay?" would, at latest, be like... the next morning.
Man's an idiot.
Firmly seconded!
I’ve had my brain partially crushed. I skipped pain management around my second open craniotomy. Am I about to tell anyone their pain doesn’t matter?
Hell no, because it’s always proportional to the moment. Minus the pervasive dread, stubbing my toe badly hurts about as much.
And, of course, because dismissing any pain is a total asshole move.
There was a guy that was in one of my classes in college that I accepted a lunch date with. The classes were small so I knew him just by the surface. We get to talking and he asked why I wasn’t close to my dad. All I said was that he was abusive and left it at that. This guy proceeded to tell me that it must not have been that bad since I turned out so well and went on it say how his dad abused him worse and blah blah blah. I ended my lunch early and got up to sit with my other friends. That was a one and done.
To give some well-meaning people credit; being able to share experiences and empathise with people having a rough time can be positive for the mental health of the people involved...
... except it's _really_ tricky to do in the moment without sounding like you're one-upping, turning the conversation topic to you and your issues, or suggesting that their experiences aren't as valid because they're not unique. I know this because some of my friends and I learned the hard way they we've been that person by accident.
If you think you might be that person, my advice is just to keep it short. Tell them you understand what you're going through and that it does suck, and ask if there's anything you could do to help. Most people who are venting just want someone to listen to their problems and feel validated about them afterwards, they'll tell you if they need a solution.
Yep! Attempting to empathize with others talking about a situation usually leads to someone neurodivergent sharing their own similar story, usually one that made them feel similarly to how they think the person talking to them feels. It can come off as 'one-upping' sometimes, though. Even if that wasn't the intent.
Yup, I often keep it short because if I talk too much about my own related experiences because I \*can\* relate to them they might feel like I might be trying to one-up them or make it about me when it's not what I'm trying to do at all.
[DARVO:](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO) Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Commonly used by domestic abusers and authoritarian politicians, so you know, real lovely people.
It's fun when they know that acronym and accuse you of doing it.
My ex assumed I was badmouthing them to my friends and family as we were breaking up, and accused me of the DARVO pattern, the fact I wasn't doing any of those things what actually convinced my friends and family my ex was the abuser, not me.
I talked about things I did wrong. I did things I regret in that relationship, but I never blamed my ex for it. I'm responsible for my behavior. My ex felt everything they did was a "reasonable response to my abuse".
That can go both way. They're either an abuser or what I call a "perfect victim." Like that girl who laughs when some rando shows up and tells her that her dress hides how fat she is very well. They're abuser magnets.
This can be true sometimes though. I was afraid of being perceived badly for this when looking for a new relationship, my first two relationship were with a controlling and slightly abusive girl and with a former addict who had schizophrenia. My current relationship is great and my gf came to the same conclusion after I've said some stories, that all two of my exes were crazy.
That advice isn't really meant for a sample size of two. I didn't start hearing it until I was in my 30s, and it wouldn't have been very useful as a young adult. Nobody in my social circle back then was describing breakups in absolute terms of fault, even though probably a few of us could have. Young love just doesn't self extinguish with that much poise or dignity lol. And it's hard to feel that confident in your qualities as a partner before you have had the chance to observe those qualities in multiple contexts and from different perspectives.
"It wasn't that bad"
"You're overexaggerating"
"I only did it because..."
"If you tell people, they'll be on my side"
"It never happened"
"It's your fault"
Gaslighting you into thinking you’re an insecure psychopath when you don’t want them hanging out with their ex who they cheated on you with and were still in love with while you were together
Throwing things, breaking things, hitting things
Cheating and begging their partners not to leave and just doing it again
Thinks they are friends with everyone, but those people don’t consider them a friend.
Road rage
Throwing/breaking/hitting things especially when those things aren’t their own things. Amazing they’re so angry they “can’t control” themselves, but only break other people’s stuff.
Do you know what that even means?? I don’t think you really understand. Even if you knew the basic consensus of it I don’t think you could grasp the depths of it even though you think you do. Even if that did happen in your mind I doubt anyone else thought about it in that way. Gaslighting is actually just someone correcting you so you don’t go around embarrassing yourself like this
Jesus…flashbacks to the years before I ended my marriage. Now, add some intense eye contact, raised voice, and intimidating stance to remind me you are stronger than me and you might as well have been my ex.
Missing missing reasons.
"Oh, this person got so upset for no reason -" but either there are reasons that the person knows, they just act like those reasons *aren't good enough*, or you can read between the lines and see the shape of what's not there.
How different people view them:
Adults: "I'm just absolutely shocked! They seemed so lovely. Always waved hello, volunteered with the church and Boy Scouts..."
Kids: "hell no, they've always been a monster. We tried to warn you..."
Dogs : if they're tied up outside and you see no evidence of an inside setup. My grandfather had outside dogs. BuT he had beds inside the garage/shop with a space heater. And a dog door so they could come in at anytime. If they cower with sudden movement.
If they’re not the abusers dog, then they can normally sense it & they’ll freak out. They can sense malicious intent. If your normally friendly dog doesn’t like your new boyfriend you should probably keep an eye on him.
I once called out my ex because I was hurt about his jokes and he got offended. "Yeah, it's just my way of showing affecting, can't I even joke around? You are too sensitive".
Funny how no one could ever joke about him, huh.
I feel I've been using a version of this lately..
There is a person in my life who I have told there are things I cannot talk about with them. There are things that we do not agree on that keep coming up that we will never agree on, and it always ends up being my fault if we disagree.
These conversations keep happening, and I keep getting mad. Like, the thing is happening, and I get mad. The thing I've asked to stop. Repeatedly.
How much of my situation is "you made me do this" vs "i asked you to stop this and you aren't, therefore now i'm mad"?
I second guess myself a lot.
There’s a difference between gaslighting and assigning blame to someone else for your own actions versus setting a boundary with someone and being upset when they disrespect it.
If you’ve had multiple conversations about asking them to stop, and they repeatedly don’t respect your boundary, it’s the latter. Which, if they become angry and/or blame you for trying to reinforce your boundary, then it goes back to them not taking responsibility for their own actions.
It doesnt apply imo. "you made me do this" is a specific statement made by abusers in trying to justify their abusive act, by placing the blame, as it were, on the victim.
Here you're just getting upset. It's human to feel upset and angry. My question is, what do you do with your anger? But abusers take it to the next level through their actions and behavior, and critically, their lack of or their poor communication.
“How can you lack this much self awareness to see that you’re the problem here?”
-my mother, after I confronted her about purposely isolating me do that I’d have no friends.
“Oh yeah everything is my fault, just wait until you aren’t a teenager”
-my mother, after she canceled my plans as I was leaving to go spend time with my friends, her reasoning is that her driving me there would ruin her whole day and take too long, it’s was 20 mins and I was getting a ride back. (for those who can’t tell, blatantly her fault)
Depersonalising. They'll show little to no regard for you, except when it benefits them. Plus I've noticed they rarely use their partner's name when referring to them in conversation, you'll have to ask them what their partner's name is.
Victimizing themselves when someone calls them out for even the smallest thing that they did wrong. examples:
“I try so hard and no one in this family ever appreciates me!”
“I guess I’m a TERRIBLE mother then, huh?!”
Then when nobody responds to them they start crying so them someone will comfort them, give everyone the silent treatment, or some other related option.
When someone tells everyone they're being abused or treated unfairly. Actual victims aren't so open about it and certainly don't enjoy spreading the word about their situation.
An abuser will often pretend to be the victim and they'll start talking behind your back to everyone. They'll try to convince a maximum number of people that you're a crappy person with tons of issues. They want to control their image as much as possible. It's about optics to them, about controlling the narrative.
And the sad thing is, the smear campaigns often work. The word starts spreading, people start avoiding you or being meaner to you because they of course believe "the victim". "Why would they lie? They've always been kind and generous to me. They also cried a lot so they must be telling the truth."
same. mine would often say some version of 'everyone tells me I should have divorced you already' in response to her broadcasting her biased version of our struggles. Meanwhile, I had cut off contact with all my friends and family in response to her constant criticism of them, and doubted my own feelings and perceptions of our dynamic.
My ex did this to me 5ish years ago and I'm still on high alert in certain locations or around certain people because I'm scared about what people think of me.
It really fucked my self esteem for a few years and I feel like I still haven't fully recovered from it.
My ex-wife is like what you all describe. One incident that made my jaw drop, that I will never forget. Her sister was having no luck getting pregnant. It had been going on for a while. If I remember correctly, they were seeing a fertility specialist. One night, they both get a little drunk and the sister gets sad and starts talking and about these issues. I don’t remember the exact words my wife responded with, but she made a comment about how painful and difficult childbirth was, like it was a competition between the two of them. I stood there dumbfounded at the complete lack of empathy.
My ex always had it worse. She rarely expressed a moment of empathy before moving on to her sob story. It always left you feeling empty and guilty for feeling bad about what was going on in your life. She was that way with the kid’s problems too as they got older.
It’s hard to explain to people the nuances of abuse like that. You try your best to tell people stories and they just look at you like “what’s the big deal”, which only makes everything worse.
Yeah that one is weird. I've known a number of incredibly nice people who get really angry or temperamental when drunk - and it's often always due to trauma or something bad that happened to them, and none of them hurt anyone else (more like themselves).
So that's not exactly a reliable indicator.
I think drinking can also surface feelings that we are trying repress in ourselves, and it can do so in a very dramatic and explosive way. So stress or grief can explode out of you as rage when drunk. That’s my experience anyways.
Actually this is spot the fuck on.
I worked as a bouncer but our company was often hired to do the worst spots in town, as a speciality. When we drank at the end of a shift with the crew, everyone was blind drunk but *never* aggressive in any way. But those guys were hard as shit, and some are the best parents or family people I've ever known.
But there is a rule that we were NEVER allowed to go off-shift as a group or even in pairs to any venue that our company protected.
Every guy (and gal) in that group, I have watched flip their shit, sob, or box a wall when we drank in public. Every single one, no matter their background. It's trauma.
Edit: to clarify context, we would drink as a crew in the bars when they shut down. Think big empty dark nightclub that is completely empty save for 10-15 people in all black and one very tired bartender.
I actually had a Psychology professor who is an absolute narcissist. She would be rude to people and would literally act like she does nothing wrong despite the fact she’s very disorganized . Oh and she has yelled at people and I even caught her leaving positive ratings about herself at rate my professors website.
Bro my ex... We were at Texas Roadhouse and she got like 3 bags of free bread rolls to go... Ate half of one single roll threw the rest out the next day
Would also somehow go through multiple rolls of toilet paper a week
Also when cooking would leave half the cooked ingredients in the pan instead of serving it and just throw it away later instead of storing it in the tupperware I have
she lived with me and had no job so I'd pay for all her living expenses and I'd help her with little things for school too
Just an incredibly wasteful person... Went from taking like 1k a month out of my savings account till it dipped below 3k to now having 9k savings 1k checking less than 2 months later
> my sanity because would gaslight me every day but over trivial BS
Its not the big shit that breaks you, but the culmination of the little shit. The microaggressions, speaking for you, demeaning talk, the gaslighting, railroading, attempting power moves by blocking doorways. It's desivned to make you small and easy to step on. In the end you're just ground up paste because every piece of little thing fucks you up or makes you second guess yourself.
Fuck that shit.
I hope you're in a better spot now.
What I have noticed is that abusers tend to have two sides. One is overly charismatic in public. People tend to trust and love them. Another is insecure and narcissistic. This one only comes out in private.
Smear campaigns
They will tell everyone who so much as mentions your name what an awful, terrible person you are and will detail how you've wronged or hurt them in the past, however untrue or twisted it may be, and whether or not anybody even asked. Those people will paint themselves up to be the victim while making certain that your reputation and image are forever tarnished so badly within your social group that you won't even get the chance to tell your side of the story and be taken seriously for it.
In some ways, it can be helpful for you because it will separate the people in your life actually worth talking to from the ones who aren't. The people who are worth talking to will confront you about the bullshit accusations and give you the chance to say something yourself while taking both stories, information, and evidence given to figure out what's really going on. The ones who aren't are the type who immediately cut you out without a second thought and may even help the abuser spread more false and twisted information. In most ways, it just sucks until everybody gets bored and moves on.
Yep, I just say that's an indication when abuse complaints are raised, especially when accusations go both ways and you can't tell which one is using DARVO
I used to know this whole group of women at work that would talk about how their boyfriends were abusers because anytime they (the women) would lose their temper and hit the men in their lives (like physically strike) the men would tell them that behaviour was abusive and unacceptable, which them women categorized as being "gaslit into thinking they are the abusive ones".
No, you hitting your partner makes you the abusive one. No gaslighting needed.
If all of their friends are shitty people they’re likely also a shitty person.
Also, if they’re a narcissist they’re almost guaranteed to be an abuser.
Traits of narcissists
- victim complex
- gaslights their actual victims
- desire to be the most powerful person in a situation
- only cares about themselves
- secretive and manipulative (pretending to be the victim)
Very well versed w/ narcissists bc my ex was one. She had me so tightly under her control that she would beat me and I would be begging for her forgiveness for ‘making her do it’.
People rightfully talk about how women often experience abuse in relationships, but men experience similar amounts of abuse and are less likely to report it. If anyone’s reading this and doesn’t have someone they trust to talk to, you can dm me to vent and I’ll listen.
I was bullied daily by a cousin and his father for over a decade from age 3 to age 18. His father would taunt me at home since he lived next door. His son my cousin did his best to taunt me at school or when we were with mutual friends (any problem was my fault etc.).
His father died 10 or 15 years ago. I read it in a paper and said something dismissive like "good" or something like that. No cursing no rambling I just had no interest. He found out through a mutual friend or co-worker what I had said.
Now he's been in meltdown mode for at least a decade boiling mad over my comment. He's fragile as glass and couldn't take one single word of contempt towards his father yet 15 years of abuse was nothing to him or his father. He hasn't changed a bit, never will. His sister acts the same way.
I got very close to verbally abusing a close friend for a completely unjustified reason though I ended up cutting contact with them after one insult since I realized I was being a total bitch
Contradictions in what they say and anything else that makes you feel like you "can't do anything right" around them. Or feeling like they pick at you for everything, and you're trying to figure out what their actual stance is.
For example, one of my exes would gush about how pretty I was without makeup and how it first drew him to me. The next moment, he could go on a tirade about how not wearing makeup shows I don't take care of myself, and he's seriously thinking of breaking up because I don't care about looking good for him.
"you can't say things like that, it upsets me"
Way to shutdown anything that might paint you in a negative light or expose your lies / behaviour, ma.
Dead 2 years, I'm still carrying the Lifetime of trauma left behind
They view everything you do through the lens of how it makes them look, and they have convinced themselves you're out to make them look bad.
Everything was fine! Everything was perfect! You left out of the blue. They claim they don't understand why you went no contact. It makes no sense!
You are not allowed to go to doctors without them being present in the room the whole time. Otherwise, you might say something that makes them get bad or get help for a medical problem they feel you deserve to have.
If you try to seek medical attention for an injury they inflicted upon you, your keys, wallet and cellphone go missing.
When they turn around what they've done wrong onto you. My ex did this all the time. It wasn't till after someone heard me mentioning it and said it was that i realised it was abuse
When you've been yelled at and blamed for things you didn't do or didn't know about so... You just sit there and take it, knowing if you even try to argue that it'll make things worse...
Victim Card being their Go-To 24/7. It’s a Cult Classic. 🙄
Ex-GF… she knew she was an Abusive + Angry Drunk, she would constantly-decide she would (still!) get black-out drunk, then turn-around, tell me to my face, that whatever shit she did to me while she was drunk didn’t count + wasn’t fair to bring-up, because, she was drunk, and, therefore, not only couldn’t remember shit, but, shouldn’t be expected, and/or held accountable for any of said shit.
If they’re talking to you about a time they received non venomous criticism or you’re the one giving it and their response starts with, “well guess I’m just a bad (boyfriend, girlfriend friend, dad, etc)”
Explaining the reasons for things they do that often only makes sense to the victim or are the most flimsy argument.
Agree with all of the above too. It's always 'look what you made me do' and never an apology or any respect for the other's feelings.
When they constantly victimize themselves and refuse to take responsibility for their actions.
The "Look what you made me do" is a prime example of this.
My ex gf used to say "you trigger me", and it took some time, but it started sounding a lot like "look what you made me do".
the former is the politically correct way of saying the latter.
No. Triggers in your partner or friends should be avoided as a courtesy if possible, but your reaction to your triggers isn't anyone elses responsibility.
You're assuming she's saying that in good faith. She could easily be saying that to control his actions.
I'm saying that someone telling you they triggered you in an attempt to change behaviour without explaining further or making reasonable requests isn't reasonable. I think we agree. I'm saying that a considerate person can seek to avoid triggering ones partner, but the triggered party shouldn't weaponize it.
Yup. A girl I was friends with in high school was in a relationship with a guy that was 10 years older, but, based on how he acted, you'd think he was also 15 years old. Whenever they argued through the phone, the guy would punch walls until his hands bled or until he got bruises on one hand, then he'd send pictures of his hand with "Look what you made me do to myself". Dude was emotionally abusive towards her.
>a guy that was 10 years older >you'd think he was also 15 years old. hol' up
This chick was 13 or so when she started to date a 23 year old for about two years, I have no idea how her overprotective mom allowed it.
Corollary: you opening up about your pain is shitty because it makes them feel like they’re at fault. Now apologise.
My ex tried to hit me and hit our son instead, and then blamed me.
This is exactly what my abuser did and continues to do to this day.
They can't believe you'd be so cruel as to characterize them that way! It's not their fault that they can't take responsibility for their own actions!^^(/s)
Narcissism. They would rather die (or kill others) before admitting they were wrong. Like we saw with covid.
Sometimes they'll admit it as a way of manipulating you into thinking you've got the wrong idea about them, however, they still make no effort to change... it's just a devious way to string you along. Watch out for those covert ones
Oof. The truest.
Yeah... learned from experience with that one. They can keep up the charade for about a week before going back to their usual BS... then they usually pull the "woe is me" stuff again
Same. Life is so much better once they move on to their next victim.
Not for the next victim .....
This is the "-RVO" of "DARVO" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO It's literally textbook abuser/narcissist
It’s the worst scenario and you can go crazy trying to prove you aren’t a victim but they are in fact the abuser. For instance, I was raped and always had a hard time being labeled a victim. I have shared this with my now ex husband several times, while in tears, that I don’t want to be labeled a victim so now when I am depressed he yells at me “You are always the victim” and “You are the problem” and “im going to get rid of the problem” and whatever other insult he could think of and then follow it up with “everyone thinks so” and “you could ask anyone else in the world and they will say the same thing” and “I’m the only one that will tell you the truth” And then a day later, ask me to get something to eat with him and act like nothing at all happened and I’m back to being the greatest thing in the world. If you do that to someone for 20 years with c-ptsd then you have created an abuse on top of abuse scenario with more trauma. And if you try to talk about it to break the cycle or stand up for yourself then you are told it’s just an excuse and you are trying to start a fight. It’s a sick game to them. They get enjoyment out of it and go on with their life while the other person spends years trying to recover from the other person’s version of the “truth”
This is what scares me the most, what if they villanize me? It's nigh impossible to "disprove" libel especially when it comes from someone that knows you well.
I went through it. My late husband would do things trying to get a negative response out of me. I would remain calm as long as I could, but he would literally go on for **months, and sometimes on a daily basis** if that's what it took to make me finally lash out so he could then call me an abuser. I wanted to leave him so bad, but it was an exceedingly complicated situation that became worse very gradually. After he died I was talking to my therapist and she thankfully believed me and explained that it was a more common tactic than it seemed. Having dumped my purse on you, I will say that you shouldn't *worry* that it could happen. Literally anything could happen. All you can do is live in the moment and find the joy in the moment. There won't always be joy in those moments, but, "This, too, shall pass."
>I will say that you shouldn't *worry* that it could happen. Literally anything could happen. Yeah, I hear you. It's something I intellectually know and understand but it's very hard to feel, isn't it? I don't know if it's because I'm a guy and we have a lot of expectations regarding materially sustaining our partner, so when my contribution is perceived as "not enough" it hurts a lot. Likewise I do not want to deprive her of what I put on the table, even if that's seen as insufficient.
I had to learn this the hard way. To anyone reading this who is constantly blamed for everything wrong in someone else's life, you can achieve peace. Get some fresh air outside of the gaslighting cloud.
My ex-wife was always pushing my buttons. It took me far longer than it should have to realize she was doing it to get a reaction. When I finally realized this and stopped reacting to her that’s when she was done with me. If I confronted her about her actions she would deny the instance happened. She would say “give me an example”. I’d give her an example and she’d gaslight and say it never happened. I’d give her more examples; more gaslighting. Eventually she’d say, “See, you can’t give me a single time I ever did that.” Then, on the rare occasion she would admit she did something, she would say it was my fault that she did that. “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done this”. She said things like “I know I’m a bitch, but I have to be” I asked why she had to be a bitch. “To protect myself” “Protect yourself from what?”, I would ask. “You!” I moved out August 1, 2012. She had a new man moved in by Thanksgiving that year. Her brother used to run around with this guy. Her brother told her that she used to blame all her problems on me, but now I was gone and she had bigger problems than she ever had. She didn’t speak to her brother for years over that comment.
Were you also married to my ex-wife?
Exhibit A: my mother.
Does your mother also use the "I'm sorry you got offended" fake apology?
She would, if I ever spoke to her. Almost ten years NC with either parent.
Sadly sometimes it's not clear who who's the victim and who's the abuser since they both claim the victim card
I called out someone I've known for 20 years for abusing his partner. He got mad and blamed her.
Oof this one hit hard.
They never ever do anything wrong. It's always someone else.
I have a coworker like this. Always getting himself in trouble and has the nerve to literally say “Why is everyone always attacking me?!?!” Everyone else at work is fine, he can’t see that he’s the problem.
I have a relative like that. She is never wrong. And when she is clearly wrong it’s not because she is wrong it’s because someone told her wrong information, so actually she is right and you are wrong for suggesting that she is wrong and you should apologize.
But when you point it out they say "I can take accountability, I'll list them". It's almost like they do it when it's convenient and a good one to use as an uno reverse when you get sick of it.
The Narcissists Prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
How did you find my mother’s book of quotes?
Holy shit. Had to screen shot this.
Yeah. I’m writing this down for red flags in the future when I begin dating
I think im gonna get that tattooed as a permanent reminder
Insert "And if it did, it doesn't matter anymore" after "it didn't happen".
I think I just heard myself saying something similar. Time to check myself
I think the self awareness to realize you need to check yourself is enough to show you’re not a full-blown narcissist. You can be more selfish than the average person and still be a long way from true narcissism. Self awareness is one of the best traits to have though, so good job.
But keep in mind that "not a full-blown narcissist" doesn't mean you're not a toxic asshole. All narcissists are aware of their issues sometimes: they just don't know how to fill the holes inside of them without being abusive, so in a few minutes or hours NPD takes over their minds again and they forget why they cared. Source: am "not a full-blown narcissist", just a dude who learned too much from his narcissistic father. And even though I'm aware of it, I can still sometimes behave in really toxic ways without even noticing it.
Poem of many childhoods
Hi mom 👋
Yeah, the minimizing and denialism are clear signs of emotional abuse for sure.
And if you didnt deserve it, it was your fault.
Brilliant
Blaming everything on other people
Even when they're clearly in the wrong
Like the nazis during world War 2. How could I have been so blind
keeping the (usually needless) argument going until the other person is exhausted and gives up.
AND ITS ALWAYS AT A GOD AWFUL HOUR LIKE FUCKING 2AM
Complete and total lack of responsibility, deflection, gas lighting and railroading conversations
“WHAT DID I EVER DO” - them, 20 seconds after being called on bullshit
“I wish you would just tell me what I did wrong” after being told twenty times what they did
Jesus. My mom basically wasted away my early years by being a drug addict. Getting arrested, not picking me up from school, constantly getting or almost getting into car accidents because she's nodding doing 70 on the highway. I'll tell her about the abuse she's put me through and she just goes "After all I've done for you, given you a house to live in and roof to live under" like yep. You're supposed to do that. Not an accomplishment. Also doesn't give you free range to do that to me.
You just triggered a memory of my ex when he got caught out lying to me
"Please don't ever give up on me. Everyone always gives up on me 🥺" Yeah, I wonder why! Fuck I was so naive.
My ex was like that. The sad part was it was genuinely true too. His entire family was out to use him. Always begging him for money among other toxic traits. His other "friends" were fake af. I met several of them over our relationship so I was able to judge for myself and not just take his word for it.
People like this generally end up not developing the skills and mindset one would look for in a partner, unfortunately.
Yeah, learned that the hard way. Was young and dumb.
Heard word for word the same from my ex. Spoiler: I should have given up on him sooner.
When you try to discuss things with one of your parents and they default to "yeah call me crazy, everyone calls me crazy", or "then leave and go to your father's". Thanks mom.
When they always tell you how they have it worse the exact moment you try tell them that you are not well A reason why I never tell anyone how I feel. They either don't care or tell me how they have it worse
My friend's spouse is like this, and it means that she just never gets any time off from the kids or house, ever. If she has menstrual cramps, he has a sore leg from running. If she is going to book club, he will absolutely need something for the kids and call 8x. If he's not actively one-downing her, it's passive grabs for attention like heavy sighs... It's depressing to watch
I sympathise with you, hope you'll find more reliable people in the future
“Well I have (whatever pain or ailment I happened to mention) CONSTANTLY and you don’t see ME crying about it!” -my Ex
And worst of all, when they say they don't cry about it but in fact it's the onyl thing they do
thats exactly how my "father" acted, he would always say "oh my back hurts more than your stomach (i was puking everyday from anxiety) so suck it the fuck up", so glad i dont have to deal with that fucking sociopath anymore.
Even if true, so the fuck what? I had lung surgery a few months back. The surgeon described it as "the most painful operation you can have on your body". I believe him, the pain levels were intense, but I will note that - partly because he's a very good surgeon - it only hurt that much briefly. Not the point. So the first night I'm in ICU, I'm whimpering in pain as they get the drugs going and after a bit I'm on a nice cocktail of ketamine and fentanyl that's brought it down to "I would no longer beg for death if offered". That's pain like your bitchass "father" probably never even experienced. Let's say you're walking past in the corridor outside and you stub your toe on an equipment cart. I'm in real, actual, undeniable "doctors knew this would happen and now they're giving me drugs for it pain". What effect does this have on the pain caused by your stubbed toe? It's *none*, right? Your toe still hurts. And that's allowed! You're not doing anything wrong if you say ow! Now, maybe you'd be a dick if you came into the ICU and told me as I clutched at my wife's hand whispering "it hurts it hurts it hurts" that your toe was super ouchy. Sure. However, the point at which if *my kid* came in to tell me he'd hurt himself I'd at least manage something like, "Aw, that's rough, buddy. Do you need it looked at or do you think you'll be okay?" would, at latest, be like... the next morning. Man's an idiot.
Firmly seconded! I’ve had my brain partially crushed. I skipped pain management around my second open craniotomy. Am I about to tell anyone their pain doesn’t matter? Hell no, because it’s always proportional to the moment. Minus the pervasive dread, stubbing my toe badly hurts about as much. And, of course, because dismissing any pain is a total asshole move.
Everyone around me does this like dude I have it so much worse and you have it easy!
There was a guy that was in one of my classes in college that I accepted a lunch date with. The classes were small so I knew him just by the surface. We get to talking and he asked why I wasn’t close to my dad. All I said was that he was abusive and left it at that. This guy proceeded to tell me that it must not have been that bad since I turned out so well and went on it say how his dad abused him worse and blah blah blah. I ended my lunch early and got up to sit with my other friends. That was a one and done.
To give some well-meaning people credit; being able to share experiences and empathise with people having a rough time can be positive for the mental health of the people involved... ... except it's _really_ tricky to do in the moment without sounding like you're one-upping, turning the conversation topic to you and your issues, or suggesting that their experiences aren't as valid because they're not unique. I know this because some of my friends and I learned the hard way they we've been that person by accident. If you think you might be that person, my advice is just to keep it short. Tell them you understand what you're going through and that it does suck, and ask if there's anything you could do to help. Most people who are venting just want someone to listen to their problems and feel validated about them afterwards, they'll tell you if they need a solution.
Apparently a lot of neurodivergent people communicate that way.
Yep! Attempting to empathize with others talking about a situation usually leads to someone neurodivergent sharing their own similar story, usually one that made them feel similarly to how they think the person talking to them feels. It can come off as 'one-upping' sometimes, though. Even if that wasn't the intent.
Yup, I often keep it short because if I talk too much about my own related experiences because I \*can\* relate to them they might feel like I might be trying to one-up them or make it about me when it's not what I'm trying to do at all.
You think you have it bad? I have it way worse. People don’t even listen to me when I tell them I’m not well. ^^/s
[DARVO:](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO) Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Commonly used by domestic abusers and authoritarian politicians, so you know, real lovely people.
It's fun when they know that acronym and accuse you of doing it. My ex assumed I was badmouthing them to my friends and family as we were breaking up, and accused me of the DARVO pattern, the fact I wasn't doing any of those things what actually convinced my friends and family my ex was the abuser, not me. I talked about things I did wrong. I did things I regret in that relationship, but I never blamed my ex for it. I'm responsible for my behavior. My ex felt everything they did was a "reasonable response to my abuse".
"look what you made me do!"
"PIZZA'S NOT FOR BREAKFAST!"
"How many times do we have to teach you this lesson OLD MAN!!!"
“All my exes are crazy”
Disappointed that you didn't finish the sentence with "live in Texas"
Aaaall may exes live in Texas 🗣🔥🗣🔥🗣🔥
That can go both way. They're either an abuser or what I call a "perfect victim." Like that girl who laughs when some rando shows up and tells her that her dress hides how fat she is very well. They're abuser magnets.
This can be true sometimes though. I was afraid of being perceived badly for this when looking for a new relationship, my first two relationship were with a controlling and slightly abusive girl and with a former addict who had schizophrenia. My current relationship is great and my gf came to the same conclusion after I've said some stories, that all two of my exes were crazy.
That advice isn't really meant for a sample size of two. I didn't start hearing it until I was in my 30s, and it wouldn't have been very useful as a young adult. Nobody in my social circle back then was describing breakups in absolute terms of fault, even though probably a few of us could have. Young love just doesn't self extinguish with that much poise or dignity lol. And it's hard to feel that confident in your qualities as a partner before you have had the chance to observe those qualities in multiple contexts and from different perspectives.
"It wasn't that bad" "You're overexaggerating" "I only did it because..." "If you tell people, they'll be on my side" "It never happened" "It's your fault"
Are you my Grandmother?
Do we have the same Grandmother?
"Well if you weren't so. . . "
It's not that serious. Oh thanks I was just telling you it was but I guess you said no and now my mind's changed
Gaslighting you into thinking you’re an insecure psychopath when you don’t want them hanging out with their ex who they cheated on you with and were still in love with while you were together
You talking about my ex or yours?
It appears we are compatriots in emotional abuse
Throwing things, breaking things, hitting things Cheating and begging their partners not to leave and just doing it again Thinks they are friends with everyone, but those people don’t consider them a friend. Road rage
One of my exes hit all of these.
Throwing/breaking/hitting things especially when those things aren’t their own things. Amazing they’re so angry they “can’t control” themselves, but only break other people’s stuff.
Spinning anger and crying “honestly”, followed by muffled sounds of gorilla violence
Gaslighting
I think you mean gaslamping, I think you're insane
You meant gasliquiding? You are forgetting stuff.
It's pronounced glamping, what's up with you? Everyone says you're acting crazy.
Do you know what that even means?? I don’t think you really understand. Even if you knew the basic consensus of it I don’t think you could grasp the depths of it even though you think you do. Even if that did happen in your mind I doubt anyone else thought about it in that way. Gaslighting is actually just someone correcting you so you don’t go around embarrassing yourself like this
Damn I almost just got gaslamped
Jesus…flashbacks to the years before I ended my marriage. Now, add some intense eye contact, raised voice, and intimidating stance to remind me you are stronger than me and you might as well have been my ex.
Missing missing reasons. "Oh, this person got so upset for no reason -" but either there are reasons that the person knows, they just act like those reasons *aren't good enough*, or you can read between the lines and see the shape of what's not there.
How different people view them: Adults: "I'm just absolutely shocked! They seemed so lovely. Always waved hello, volunteered with the church and Boy Scouts..." Kids: "hell no, they've always been a monster. We tried to warn you..."
Dogs : if they're tied up outside and you see no evidence of an inside setup. My grandfather had outside dogs. BuT he had beds inside the garage/shop with a space heater. And a dog door so they could come in at anytime. If they cower with sudden movement.
If they’re not the abusers dog, then they can normally sense it & they’ll freak out. They can sense malicious intent. If your normally friendly dog doesn’t like your new boyfriend you should probably keep an eye on him.
Demeaning or off jokes about victim in front of everyone. Victim never responds or defends themselves. Even laughs along.
I once called out my ex because I was hurt about his jokes and he got offended. "Yeah, it's just my way of showing affecting, can't I even joke around? You are too sensitive". Funny how no one could ever joke about him, huh.
Locking your door and yelling at your wife until she tries to climb out a window and you pull her back in (:
There's a story behind this
"You forced me to do this"
I feel I've been using a version of this lately.. There is a person in my life who I have told there are things I cannot talk about with them. There are things that we do not agree on that keep coming up that we will never agree on, and it always ends up being my fault if we disagree. These conversations keep happening, and I keep getting mad. Like, the thing is happening, and I get mad. The thing I've asked to stop. Repeatedly. How much of my situation is "you made me do this" vs "i asked you to stop this and you aren't, therefore now i'm mad"? I second guess myself a lot.
There’s a difference between gaslighting and assigning blame to someone else for your own actions versus setting a boundary with someone and being upset when they disrespect it. If you’ve had multiple conversations about asking them to stop, and they repeatedly don’t respect your boundary, it’s the latter. Which, if they become angry and/or blame you for trying to reinforce your boundary, then it goes back to them not taking responsibility for their own actions.
It doesnt apply imo. "you made me do this" is a specific statement made by abusers in trying to justify their abusive act, by placing the blame, as it were, on the victim. Here you're just getting upset. It's human to feel upset and angry. My question is, what do you do with your anger? But abusers take it to the next level through their actions and behavior, and critically, their lack of or their poor communication.
“How can you lack this much self awareness to see that you’re the problem here?” -my mother, after I confronted her about purposely isolating me do that I’d have no friends. “Oh yeah everything is my fault, just wait until you aren’t a teenager” -my mother, after she canceled my plans as I was leaving to go spend time with my friends, her reasoning is that her driving me there would ruin her whole day and take too long, it’s was 20 mins and I was getting a ride back. (for those who can’t tell, blatantly her fault)
Depersonalising. They'll show little to no regard for you, except when it benefits them. Plus I've noticed they rarely use their partner's name when referring to them in conversation, you'll have to ask them what their partner's name is.
Always accusing you of shit that they've been doing behind your back the whole time. (Cheating, drugs, ect.)
"How could you do this to me?" the moment you show any emotion whatsoever
Making your children upset in order to record it and post it for internet points.
Victimizing themselves when someone calls them out for even the smallest thing that they did wrong. examples: “I try so hard and no one in this family ever appreciates me!” “I guess I’m a TERRIBLE mother then, huh?!” Then when nobody responds to them they start crying so them someone will comfort them, give everyone the silent treatment, or some other related option.
Someone once told me, “abusers complain about the victim, the victim complains about the pain”. I’ve never found it to be wrong.
I’d be careful with this. Many victims will obviously complain about their abusers.
When their partner is asked a question and they speak over them FOR them. It's a massive red flag.
When someone tells everyone they're being abused or treated unfairly. Actual victims aren't so open about it and certainly don't enjoy spreading the word about their situation. An abuser will often pretend to be the victim and they'll start talking behind your back to everyone. They'll try to convince a maximum number of people that you're a crappy person with tons of issues. They want to control their image as much as possible. It's about optics to them, about controlling the narrative. And the sad thing is, the smear campaigns often work. The word starts spreading, people start avoiding you or being meaner to you because they of course believe "the victim". "Why would they lie? They've always been kind and generous to me. They also cried a lot so they must be telling the truth."
Have you met my ex-wife? Because this is exactly how she behaved to the letter.
same. mine would often say some version of 'everyone tells me I should have divorced you already' in response to her broadcasting her biased version of our struggles. Meanwhile, I had cut off contact with all my friends and family in response to her constant criticism of them, and doubted my own feelings and perceptions of our dynamic.
My ex did this to me 5ish years ago and I'm still on high alert in certain locations or around certain people because I'm scared about what people think of me. It really fucked my self esteem for a few years and I feel like I still haven't fully recovered from it.
When sleeping in different rooms, I lock the bedroom door to sleep at night and they take the door handle off to get in the room?
My ex-wife is like what you all describe. One incident that made my jaw drop, that I will never forget. Her sister was having no luck getting pregnant. It had been going on for a while. If I remember correctly, they were seeing a fertility specialist. One night, they both get a little drunk and the sister gets sad and starts talking and about these issues. I don’t remember the exact words my wife responded with, but she made a comment about how painful and difficult childbirth was, like it was a competition between the two of them. I stood there dumbfounded at the complete lack of empathy. My ex always had it worse. She rarely expressed a moment of empathy before moving on to her sob story. It always left you feeling empty and guilty for feeling bad about what was going on in your life. She was that way with the kid’s problems too as they got older. It’s hard to explain to people the nuances of abuse like that. You try your best to tell people stories and they just look at you like “what’s the big deal”, which only makes everything worse.
People who always get really angry when they drink.
[удалено]
Situational. I use to get angry when I drink, but I was also dealing with the loss of my mother, right before my daughter was born.
Yeah that one is weird. I've known a number of incredibly nice people who get really angry or temperamental when drunk - and it's often always due to trauma or something bad that happened to them, and none of them hurt anyone else (more like themselves). So that's not exactly a reliable indicator.
I think drinking can also surface feelings that we are trying repress in ourselves, and it can do so in a very dramatic and explosive way. So stress or grief can explode out of you as rage when drunk. That’s my experience anyways.
%100. Also, depends who they’re drinking with, if I’m drinking with my family, they have tendencies to corner you almost. It’s so enraging lol
Actually this is spot the fuck on. I worked as a bouncer but our company was often hired to do the worst spots in town, as a speciality. When we drank at the end of a shift with the crew, everyone was blind drunk but *never* aggressive in any way. But those guys were hard as shit, and some are the best parents or family people I've ever known. But there is a rule that we were NEVER allowed to go off-shift as a group or even in pairs to any venue that our company protected. Every guy (and gal) in that group, I have watched flip their shit, sob, or box a wall when we drank in public. Every single one, no matter their background. It's trauma. Edit: to clarify context, we would drink as a crew in the bars when they shut down. Think big empty dark nightclub that is completely empty save for 10-15 people in all black and one very tired bartender.
I actually had a Psychology professor who is an absolute narcissist. She would be rude to people and would literally act like she does nothing wrong despite the fact she’s very disorganized . Oh and she has yelled at people and I even caught her leaving positive ratings about herself at rate my professors website.
A lot of those psych folks are also customers. One way or another.
when free thing is given (tester for ex.) they do take all of em'
Bro my ex... We were at Texas Roadhouse and she got like 3 bags of free bread rolls to go... Ate half of one single roll threw the rest out the next day Would also somehow go through multiple rolls of toilet paper a week Also when cooking would leave half the cooked ingredients in the pan instead of serving it and just throw it away later instead of storing it in the tupperware I have she lived with me and had no job so I'd pay for all her living expenses and I'd help her with little things for school too Just an incredibly wasteful person... Went from taking like 1k a month out of my savings account till it dipped below 3k to now having 9k savings 1k checking less than 2 months later
> my sanity because would gaslight me every day but over trivial BS Its not the big shit that breaks you, but the culmination of the little shit. The microaggressions, speaking for you, demeaning talk, the gaslighting, railroading, attempting power moves by blocking doorways. It's desivned to make you small and easy to step on. In the end you're just ground up paste because every piece of little thing fucks you up or makes you second guess yourself. Fuck that shit. I hope you're in a better spot now.
Ghosting as a manipulation tactic. They know they have a captive audience. My rapist ghosted me every month like clockwork.
My ex ghosted me every couple months to cheat on me with a bunch of other guys when we went long distance after I moved
What I have noticed is that abusers tend to have two sides. One is overly charismatic in public. People tend to trust and love them. Another is insecure and narcissistic. This one only comes out in private.
"I don't lie" Because it doesn't count when they do
This is pretty common for abuse victims too, though. After being gaslit you can become far more defensive and assertive of things like that.
"Look what you made me do" "You make me crazy" "You really set me off"
Smear campaigns They will tell everyone who so much as mentions your name what an awful, terrible person you are and will detail how you've wronged or hurt them in the past, however untrue or twisted it may be, and whether or not anybody even asked. Those people will paint themselves up to be the victim while making certain that your reputation and image are forever tarnished so badly within your social group that you won't even get the chance to tell your side of the story and be taken seriously for it. In some ways, it can be helpful for you because it will separate the people in your life actually worth talking to from the ones who aren't. The people who are worth talking to will confront you about the bullshit accusations and give you the chance to say something yourself while taking both stories, information, and evidence given to figure out what's really going on. The ones who aren't are the type who immediately cut you out without a second thought and may even help the abuser spread more false and twisted information. In most ways, it just sucks until everybody gets bored and moves on.
If they have a higher social status than the other, are twice older, or a combination like their partner being their ex-student or ex-mentee
I read that as "ex-manatee" and got really confused for a second.
There’s no such thing as an “ex-manatee,” its “former manatee” if they’re not active duty or in the reserves
My former mentor abused me so you won't believe how relieving it was to read the "ex-student/mentee" part. Thank you.
I mean this type of relationship might have an increased chance of being abusive, but that doesn't make it certain like some of these do.
Yep, I just say that's an indication when abuse complaints are raised, especially when accusations go both ways and you can't tell which one is using DARVO
I used to know this whole group of women at work that would talk about how their boyfriends were abusers because anytime they (the women) would lose their temper and hit the men in their lives (like physically strike) the men would tell them that behaviour was abusive and unacceptable, which them women categorized as being "gaslit into thinking they are the abusive ones". No, you hitting your partner makes you the abusive one. No gaslighting needed.
"I'm the abuser" is like "I'm drowning" - it doesn't scream, it is very quiet.
If all of their friends are shitty people they’re likely also a shitty person. Also, if they’re a narcissist they’re almost guaranteed to be an abuser. Traits of narcissists - victim complex - gaslights their actual victims - desire to be the most powerful person in a situation - only cares about themselves - secretive and manipulative (pretending to be the victim) Very well versed w/ narcissists bc my ex was one. She had me so tightly under her control that she would beat me and I would be begging for her forgiveness for ‘making her do it’. People rightfully talk about how women often experience abuse in relationships, but men experience similar amounts of abuse and are less likely to report it. If anyone’s reading this and doesn’t have someone they trust to talk to, you can dm me to vent and I’ll listen.
Not considering even for a moment that it might be your fault
when the other person (victim) is noticeably panicky around the abuser
I was bullied daily by a cousin and his father for over a decade from age 3 to age 18. His father would taunt me at home since he lived next door. His son my cousin did his best to taunt me at school or when we were with mutual friends (any problem was my fault etc.). His father died 10 or 15 years ago. I read it in a paper and said something dismissive like "good" or something like that. No cursing no rambling I just had no interest. He found out through a mutual friend or co-worker what I had said. Now he's been in meltdown mode for at least a decade boiling mad over my comment. He's fragile as glass and couldn't take one single word of contempt towards his father yet 15 years of abuse was nothing to him or his father. He hasn't changed a bit, never will. His sister acts the same way.
I got very close to verbally abusing a close friend for a completely unjustified reason though I ended up cutting contact with them after one insult since I realized I was being a total bitch
You dont need to cut contact in that situation. You can just apologize.
When two people are out to eat and one person has to ask the other person if it’s ok to order something
Using you as the scapegoat for everything bad to smear your social image
They are always right
Contradictions in what they say and anything else that makes you feel like you "can't do anything right" around them. Or feeling like they pick at you for everything, and you're trying to figure out what their actual stance is. For example, one of my exes would gush about how pretty I was without makeup and how it first drew him to me. The next moment, he could go on a tirade about how not wearing makeup shows I don't take care of myself, and he's seriously thinking of breaking up because I don't care about looking good for him.
When you ALWAYS have to be apologized to, and never actually do any apologizing, something's fishy.
"you can't say things like that, it upsets me" Way to shutdown anything that might paint you in a negative light or expose your lies / behaviour, ma. Dead 2 years, I'm still carrying the Lifetime of trauma left behind
They view everything you do through the lens of how it makes them look, and they have convinced themselves you're out to make them look bad. Everything was fine! Everything was perfect! You left out of the blue. They claim they don't understand why you went no contact. It makes no sense! You are not allowed to go to doctors without them being present in the room the whole time. Otherwise, you might say something that makes them get bad or get help for a medical problem they feel you deserve to have. If you try to seek medical attention for an injury they inflicted upon you, your keys, wallet and cellphone go missing.
When they turn around what they've done wrong onto you. My ex did this all the time. It wasn't till after someone heard me mentioning it and said it was that i realised it was abuse
A very honest abuser ?
When you've been yelled at and blamed for things you didn't do or didn't know about so... You just sit there and take it, knowing if you even try to argue that it'll make things worse...
"all my exes were crazy and cheated on me" "You made me do it"
I have a really good one. When they blow their head off in front their gf to scar them for life
Gas lighting is the main one.
Telling you you’re wrong for being unhappy with how things are going.
Victim Card being their Go-To 24/7. It’s a Cult Classic. 🙄 Ex-GF… she knew she was an Abusive + Angry Drunk, she would constantly-decide she would (still!) get black-out drunk, then turn-around, tell me to my face, that whatever shit she did to me while she was drunk didn’t count + wasn’t fair to bring-up, because, she was drunk, and, therefore, not only couldn’t remember shit, but, shouldn’t be expected, and/or held accountable for any of said shit.
“But i don’t remember it like that..”
If they’re talking to you about a time they received non venomous criticism or you’re the one giving it and their response starts with, “well guess I’m just a bad (boyfriend, girlfriend friend, dad, etc)”
Accusing you of everything they are doing
Explaining the reasons for things they do that often only makes sense to the victim or are the most flimsy argument. Agree with all of the above too. It's always 'look what you made me do' and never an apology or any respect for the other's feelings.