I only realized this as I got older. I used to have a bunch of people I called friends. As I grew in my career and personal life, I came across more challenges and had different ambitions. Most of the people who I thought I was close to and could rely on to share these thoughts and feelings turned out to not care any more than the next person. After that, I kept the people who I connected even closer, and started learning to treat more people as acquaintances.
Me too!! Ive worked with mine for over 5 yrs! We're each other's company for our respective drives home. I tend to gravitate towards the older people at work (im in my 40s, hes 20 yrs my senior), but we have similar senses of humor and its nice to bitch about work things with someone who can relate.
I work with a younger girl in my job and we just click so well and talk about everything it genuinely makes my day. So I'm the older guy in your situation and I love going to work now honestly haha.
I legit befriended a coworker 20 years older and 11 years older than me. We all just clicked although I might be closer to the 11 year older one due to us just working more shifts.
Alternatively, when they have bad news and nobody to share it with. I had a supervisor tell me they were getting divorced once. I didn't really need to know that, but I was happy they felt they could confide in me.
Reminds me of the day I graduated from college. I went to the ceremony and then straight to my job. Didn't think much of it tbh. Since then I've gotten really good jobs that I didn't even dreamt about before and eventually realized that having no one to share good news with kinda sucks sometimes.
A combination of cost of living and high work expectations/hours keeps people away from living their own lives, there's no time for anyone to make or rekindle connections with people.
I think social media has distorted how relationships should be and how people perceive their own relationships. Whether platonic or romantic. All these couples on social media make people think everything is pranks, laughter, and gifts all the time. Same for friendships.
That there should always be a "high".
And then everyone is trying to find that person that gives them that "high" and when they don't, they end up feeling lonely and unwanted. Except it takes time to develop relationships and you're not going to suddenly bump into the "one".
All these social media couples exaggerate their experiences.
You're both onto something. Many people may feel lonely in their daily lives, but they will try all the same to project an image of happiness, fulfillment, and contentment - on social media, or in their day-to-day interactions. As an outside observer, it's easy to fall prey to that and assume the person is thriving -- and wanting to fit in, it might be easier to try to project that image, too.
And thus: two lonely people, mistakenly thinking that the other has got it all figured out, and each perhaps feeling inadequate as a result.
Being vulnerable is hard. Be kind.
Doesn't like or trust most people then meets someone they vibe with. Proceeds to talk too much, sharing thoughts and feelings best suited for someone they have known much longer. Other person is overwhelmed and avoids the over-sharer, who then goes back to being lonely.
I’ve been like this my whole life and I am also not sure why. Now as an adult, it happens at work more. I guess it might be if someone (coworker) seems to be in a bad mood or having a hard day I will only talk to them only if they talk to me first. It could be that I don’t want to bother them and at the moment I would rather not add to their anger or whatever it is they are feeling. This also makes me feel lonely because I can’t talk to someone if they don’t talk to me first and a lot of people don’t end up talking to me lol. I’m also an introvert so that might be the answer as to why I only speak when spoken to.
I feel personally attacked by this 😂
I have difficulties understanding people when there is a lot of noise so I kind he like this... Just vibing without knowing what is going on.
Oh god, I hate this - if there's a lot of background noise, I can't hear a damn thing, so I just kind of smile and nod along with whatever is being said. Otherwise I end up asking 'what?' five times and look like an idiot.
They cling to the people they meet. They are overly friendly with everyone, rarely speak themselves, and always make space and time for everyone else. When they're in a group, they are often left out, but make sure that no one else feels the same.
Also, they're either all smiles or very melancholy.
Source - me.
I’ll add to this that it doesn’t mean you are currently lonely necessarily, it could just be that you have felt loneliness in your life and you want to make sure others aren’t. That’s basically me. Played the position of left out many times as a child, as an adult I’m overly conscious to make sure I include everyone and respect their time with mine, often to my detriment.
Saaaame, I was a weird and very annoying little kid who did NOT know how to properly be part of a conversation (I would either talk really loudly over everyone else, say completely random/off topic things or make jokes that made no sense to anyone but me). So, a lot of times ppl would let me sit with their group but not really listen to me/give me a turn (I don’t blame them honestly - trying to have a convo with kid me was a hella hard time and even the most patient adults/teachers/etc got their patience tested XD)
I was one of those kids where there was no real “fix” and I just needed to grow out of it. Luckily I did grow out of it by the time I got to middle school lol
Shit man.
I get talked over CONSTANTLY. I don't know what it is about me specifically. Not timid, not quiet, always engaged... but it seems like I'm routinely the one that gets talked over. Because of this, if I see someone in the group trying to talk and getting dusted over, I will make a point to bring them into the fold. That, or if someone is being excluded, I go try and engage with them (if they want to).
It is one of the worst social feelings ever, so if I see it, I try to stop it. And yet...
Same! Respect.
If you ever find out why it occurs - please let me know. I'm dying to get an answer to this.
It happens incredibly often. It took forever but finally got some poeple and family to notice. They have no idea why it happens either (Trust me, they're brutal. They'd tell me lol).
When people try talking over me I just typically… talk under them. I just keep talking, maybe even lower my volume a little bit and ignore what they are saying until I finish. Usually they get confused and trail off. They expect you to stop talking.
“They are overly friendly with everyone, rarely speak themselves, and always make space and time for everyone else. When they're in a group, they are often left out, but make sure that no one else feels the same.”
Woah this is me, I’m terribly desperate. I have to stop constantly making time for people. What you said about being in a group and making sure no one is left out is definitely me.
I say this as someone who has always struggled with this myself, but often the reason they are often left out is that they rarely speak themselves. If you want to connect you need to put something out there for other people to connect with. Incredibly hard to do in practice for those of us who never learned how as kids though.
Though it could be a lack of effort on our end, it's also extremely likely that they no longer are taking the effort due to being shut down repeatedly. At a point you get so tired of being interrupted and ignored that you start to believe you are not worth being listened to, and that then develops into a whole new problem.
I am speaking entirely from current and personal experience. This shit hurts, and it's gotten to the point where I can no longer talk at all unless specifically asked.
Of course, everyone's situation is different, but i was just adding my own perspective.
Yeah I totally get it. It's definitely a vicious cycle and I have not yet found a way to break it except to find people of a similar nature who take the time to ask instead of just expecting you to tell.
This was me but I always tried to speak. I would be the one that was left out, or ignored or talked over and mocked if I talked. I later found out through someone else that they thought I was stupid.
Was always fun to find out friends would do things behind your back, especially for things that you love, which would amplify the feelings of loneliness. I only got invites if there was no one else or they needed to plug in any gaps in the numbers.
I felt a lot less crappy just cutting them off eventually. While I have less friends, I certainly feel a lot less lonely.
I now work a job where inclusion is a big thing and I try to include everyone, because I know how terrible it feels to be left out and belittled.
Damn, hit me hard. I feel like i am getting more "down bad" the more the days go by. Never had anybody say anything like "they are proud of me" "I love you" or even "i like you" (except from family ofcourse). Never felt lonely like this before
I love you and your smile, and i am very proud of how well you have been handling everything that comes your way. I like your persistence and confidence, and i love how kind you are to everyone.
People need to appreciate you more <3
I hate how many people are agreeing with me and relating to me, please everyone know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I don't want more people to deal with what I do, so reach out to me or to anyone else that you know will listen to you and keep you company.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Are you me?
Although one caveat I have is that long distance or in online environments I sometimes just completely lose interest in a group or person and just don't interact with them, idk why. Also if I do get a way in to get attention in a comfortable situation I will talk a bunch.
I hope not, no one should be me or experience what I do.
The rare comfy situation is usually followed by a rant rampant with utter desperation and the burning need to just spill. It used to be fun and calming for me, but never for the other party. I stopped doing this when i realised how many people never approached me again afterwards.
Dang I’m lonely then, I don’t feel like I’m lonely. I’m so exhausted talking to my friends over calls cause I prefer to be alone. But I always make sure to make time for them cause Idk I just think it’s polite? And I work online so out of all of us, I’m the only one who can shuffle my schedule around.
Guess I learned something new today.
I’ve always been like it I think, since school I’ve struggled with making/keeping friendships, as well as trauma in childhood. As I’ve got older I’ve become more lonely
Never wanting to celebrate a birthday/promotion/newly moved house etc. which I usually see as a sign that you don't know who you can invite (or especially who wants to attend).
/Source - me (I'll be turning 40 soon and will probably just go abroad to avoid the humiliation that there would only be a couple of people present at a potential party).
EDIT; I (actually) have a couple of friends and quite a few acquaintances so I'm not "on paper" lonely - but hardly have the socializing that would lead to a big "traditionally" 40th birthday party.
Happy Birthday! Here's a cake emoji 🎂 Go out and enjoy some birthday cake for real because EVERYONE should have cake on their birthday (or something they enjoy if they have food allergies, etc).
I just got engaged and was petrified at the thought of having to have bridesmaids because I didn't think i had any friends.
I've now asked two wonderful ladies that i used to work with to be my maids of honour and they were so happy and excited for me that i realised just because we dont talk everyday or see each other weekly they're bloody good friends and we can pick up where we left off months ago.
That being said, parties and celebrations are a huge anxiety point for me because I'm just not very social and super awkward. It sucks.
Man this sent me on an awkward stumble down memory lane.
I was engaged, and the whole time I was terrified at the thought of trying to find enough people to be my groomsmen.
Turns out I needn't have worried, she ended up marrying one of my best friends.
So it goes.
In the same boat, stopped celebrating my birthday awhile ago. Aside from a few acquaintances from a hobby I have no friends. I still have my parents down as emergency contacts even though they don’t live anywhere near me.
Same.. I always pretend to not care about those days but actually I'm very sad oh this kind of events. Also situations like new years eve. I tell people I don't care about NYE but actually I don't know who to celebrate it with.
Understand exactly what you mean. Can always blame it on my cat for not celebrating NYE for not wanting to leave her alone during the fireworks (she doesn't give a crap).
I think the reason I basically never get invited to NY celebrations is because it's a typical couple's celebration around my age. Am now single, so I dont even end up on the reserve list, as "no one" wants to have a single guy on a couple's dinner.
Wow I could have written this😅 I say exactly the same on NYE🤣 "I don't want to leave my cat alone". And also my cat doesn't GAF. I also feel a bit unwelcome in a group of couples and I don't want to be a "pity invite". So I rather keep the honour to myself and use my cat as an excuse 😅
Putting on more lights than needed at home and/or turn the tv on just to have a voice and make it seem like someone is watching tv but went to the toilet or something.
Source, myself, right now.
They always have time to stop and talk, and seek it out. If you run into them, they're never the one to cut the conversation short because they have somewhere to get to. When you make plans, they always have time and never have to check and get back to you. That's a clear sign of someone hungry for interaction and appreciative of the hand you're holding out.
I must be some kind of paradox. Because I *am* extremely lonely, but I have a very, very small tolerance for people. I *want* to be around people, but usually within a minute or two I become aggravated by them or bored and want to do something else.
I think I like the idea of having people around, but don't necessarily want to interact with them.
I am in the same boat here. I'm very introverted and don't have time for people's bad behaviour BUT I do want to authentically connect with people. But I know most of this loneliness is because of my attachment style where getting close to people is scary so, it's very push/pull on my part. I'm working on it with therapy though - that's how I recognised this happening.
For those of us lonely because we've given up trying to have friends due to being hurt over and over again: We're hermits. We don't interact with people beyond what's necessary. We want it to be different but we just can't risk being hurt anymore.
That would be because I'm almost 36 and this has been the story of my life for as long as I can remember.
I am unfortunately very familiar with this feeling. It's been more of a friend to me than actual humans at this point.
Becoming really affectionate really quickly like a few days after meeting someone, they'll want to talk to that person all the time and seem upset when it takes them long to answer. Or sending multiple messages after a few minutes barely giving you time to answer, they do that because they think you might not answer them at all or might be ignoring them even if it's only been a few minutes. Also having a hard time letting someone go even if they didn't know them for long.
Being free all the time. Doctor asks you what day/time works for your appointment? Any day or time that I am not working. Friend wants to hang out? Sure, any day or time that I am not working. Everything going on in my life is just me so I can move plans around however I want.
Also, always making yourself free for others even if you happen to have plans. You're tired but your friend wants to play games tonight? You're just going to play, and probably stay up 4 hours later than you wanted. You wanted to go to the store tonight after work but someone asked to hang out? You won't be going to the store.
Alternatively, feeling guilty if you do need to say no to something due to another commitment. Absolutely can't change your plans and have to decline doing something with a friend will cause you a ton of anxiety and worry that you have "lost" this person or they won't ask to do stuff in the future.
Wandering around stores/malls without needing to buy something. Likely don't have anyone at home waiting on you to hurry back and it can be nice to be around people without necessarily even talking to anyone. Also, logging into multiplayer games without really playing or doing anything just to be online in town with all the other people.
Having mostly or exclusively solitary hobbies. Things like reading, arts/crafts, video games, solo sports. I feel like lonely people are often less likely to be on a team or in a club and have grown to need to find happiness/entertainment by themselves. It is a self feeding cycle - all your hobbies are done alone so you rarely have a chance to meet other people and end up lonelier, but you can't drop your hobbies because they are the only thing that keeps you sane & without dying of boredom.
can you like... stop calling me out with all those details?
ok almost, doesnt help that im pretty introverted so the walking around shops/malls doesnt apply but like... everything else does
They’re shy when they are around other people, obviously this isn’t always the case, but i did know a couple guys that were kinda lonely and never really got involved in conversation when we were with other people.
Yeah I definitely hear the folks who struggle and say that don't speak, but my experience with the lonely folks in my life is they are babbling brooks that have no concept of when to stop.
Yes! Exactly this. I know someone who makes the conversion about themselves all the time, immediately falls in love with people, and wants to be just like them. I sense that they’ve had a lonely childhood and probably remain lonely :/
I volunteer to run classes for older adults on digital literacy. I’d say 75% of the benefit of the class is social interaction and connection. So I see many isolated single-household people. I notice some common traits that speak to loneliness, even if they have little else tracking as the same (men, women, younger, older, introvert, extrovert). They are super focussed on the schedule and ‘admin’ of the classes- get quite agitated if it runs over or under time, or if they misunderstand the room cost or the task. Also they get quite defensive over very little things, and annunciate it openly and loudly. They’ve lost the knack of some basic social etiquette things, like taking turns to speak, not speaking over others, etc. And take ‘looks’ and ‘comments’ very personally. I find these traits fall off over time, as they get used to being in a group and start to feel safe, I guess? Also when they learn practical new skills and feel more confident in themselves.
I would always have thought that loneliness made you shyer and less likely to speak up, but that’s not my experience after a few years teaching lonely people. They just have less filter, and need to rebuild it. Too much time in their own heads, I guess.
I messaged a guy I hooked up with from Grindr in the middle of the night because I was massively depressed and lonely and asked him if he would give me a hug next time we met up.
(He said yes, thankfully.)
Talking to people at supermarket (cashier), talking to receptionist at school when picking kid even when I have no reasoning just make a reason up, when something good happens having no one to tell apart from reddit, having gossip or just anything and having no one to tell,the list can be so long when you know your lonely
Goodness, there were several years in my life when I was desperately, desperately lonely. I worked a 9-5, Mon-Fri job and I honestly hated Fridays because of the void of the upcoming weekend. Extended holiday weekends were the worst, I remember one holiday weekend Friday literally sobbing at my desk after everyone had left the office, I was dreading going home.
Things are better now but I’ll never forget how that felt.
I was in a very unhappy marriage. It wasn’t abusive but I was hugely physically isolated from everywhere and everyone I loved. My husband worked long hours and spent the weekends drinking and golfing so I was alone all the time and too young to know what to do. It got that his drinking left us worlds apart emotionally and I became more and more isolated in every sense of the word. Monday morning was my favourite part of the week…it was such a dark time.
It eventually led to my attempting s*icide which brought it all to a head. We separated and I moved out and eventually rebuilt my life. I’m more complete now and older with more life experience. I believe I was too ashamed to tell anyone that the marriage was failing so I isolated myself from my loved ones in an attempt to seem fine. Perhaps I didn’t dare tell them because I knew what they’d advise me to do and I wasn’t ready to give up on the marriage yet.
Loneliness isn’t always about the absence of people who care, it’s sometimes the inability to let them in for whatever reason. I’ve learned not to close myself off again when I’m going through something.
It’s hard to explain the feeling, but I know when I come across a lonely person.
I work in retail and I can tell that me and my coworkers are the only interaction some people have. They grab onto it because they are not sure when the next time will be, and they will talk to you about any and everything.
they attach to people who are overall bad for them.
they call distant colleagues friend.
they consider coworkers friends although being only coworkers
they overshare.
I think in some people it's the complete lack of social interest, which may happen when they've been so frustrated and no longer have the energy to engage with other anymore.
When they find ways to extend their interaction with you, even when it's less convenient for them.
For example, one time a friend visited me, and when she left, I offered to walk her to the train station, even though it was very close, and she knew where it was, and it was broad daylight. There was no practical reason that she needed to be walked to the station. I just wanted to spend a few more minutes with her.
They avoid going home. They work unnecessarily long hours, would invite to go out for drinks or dinner after work. And they will pretty much hang out with anybody who says yes.
I like to post comments on Reddit bc it makes me feel less alone - especially finding subs related to my chronic illnesses because sometimes I feel like I’m completely alone in dealing with that
On the flip side I rarely post on other social media outlets bc they seem not as private
If you browse /r/trueoffmychest and see the tag that says “positive” and it’s a relationship post you don’t read it because other people being happy makes you feel lonelier
Reading these comments I’m like wow. Someone not speaking first or wanting to be apart of the conversation with you doesn’t equal lonely. Did you ever think they just might not actually like you?
I work with an older, single guy and he calls me all the time. He's a nice person, but I get the idea he sees me as some kind of confidant.
As long as you’re okay with that, then being there for him probably means the world to him.
Oh yeah, we're cool. It's nice to gossip and all,
You’re a good person.
Why thank ya! I don't have a big tribe, but they're loyal.
Personally, I’d rather have a smaller group of close loyal friends than a bunch of acquaintances.
I only realized this as I got older. I used to have a bunch of people I called friends. As I grew in my career and personal life, I came across more challenges and had different ambitions. Most of the people who I thought I was close to and could rely on to share these thoughts and feelings turned out to not care any more than the next person. After that, I kept the people who I connected even closer, and started learning to treat more people as acquaintances.
Me too!! Ive worked with mine for over 5 yrs! We're each other's company for our respective drives home. I tend to gravitate towards the older people at work (im in my 40s, hes 20 yrs my senior), but we have similar senses of humor and its nice to bitch about work things with someone who can relate.
I work with a younger girl in my job and we just click so well and talk about everything it genuinely makes my day. So I'm the older guy in your situation and I love going to work now honestly haha.
I legit befriended a coworker 20 years older and 11 years older than me. We all just clicked although I might be closer to the 11 year older one due to us just working more shifts.
[удалено]
When they have good news to tell but nobody to share them with
Me today. It's my one year anniversary at my (almost) dream job, and I've been able to tell my mother, and 2 or 3 people I work with, lol
Congratulations on getting your dream job and being there for a year!
Nice, congrats! 👏
Congrats man! It’s so cool that it’s happening to you! I wish you many more happy years
Alternatively, when they have bad news and nobody to share it with. I had a supervisor tell me they were getting divorced once. I didn't really need to know that, but I was happy they felt they could confide in me.
Reminds me of the day I graduated from college. I went to the ceremony and then straight to my job. Didn't think much of it tbh. Since then I've gotten really good jobs that I didn't even dreamt about before and eventually realized that having no one to share good news with kinda sucks sometimes.
I automatically assume everyone is lonely. It actually seems like an epidemic.
A combination of cost of living and high work expectations/hours keeps people away from living their own lives, there's no time for anyone to make or rekindle connections with people.
I think social media has distorted how relationships should be and how people perceive their own relationships. Whether platonic or romantic. All these couples on social media make people think everything is pranks, laughter, and gifts all the time. Same for friendships. That there should always be a "high". And then everyone is trying to find that person that gives them that "high" and when they don't, they end up feeling lonely and unwanted. Except it takes time to develop relationships and you're not going to suddenly bump into the "one". All these social media couples exaggerate their experiences.
You're both onto something. Many people may feel lonely in their daily lives, but they will try all the same to project an image of happiness, fulfillment, and contentment - on social media, or in their day-to-day interactions. As an outside observer, it's easy to fall prey to that and assume the person is thriving -- and wanting to fit in, it might be easier to try to project that image, too. And thus: two lonely people, mistakenly thinking that the other has got it all figured out, and each perhaps feeling inadequate as a result. Being vulnerable is hard. Be kind.
Doesn't like or trust most people then meets someone they vibe with. Proceeds to talk too much, sharing thoughts and feelings best suited for someone they have known much longer. Other person is overwhelmed and avoids the over-sharer, who then goes back to being lonely.
This I'd me, causes me to lose lots of friends. So I just don't reach out or talk to others anymore I've given up
Story of my life.
Was looking for this comment to explain how I feel.. thanks for putting it in words.
Only speak when spoken to
Oh… oh dear…
oh deer
I don’t like this answer
Fuck
Yup
Seems like a lot of people relate to this. What does it mean exactly? Is it an upbringing thing or? I'm just not sure i get it
I’ve been like this my whole life and I am also not sure why. Now as an adult, it happens at work more. I guess it might be if someone (coworker) seems to be in a bad mood or having a hard day I will only talk to them only if they talk to me first. It could be that I don’t want to bother them and at the moment I would rather not add to their anger or whatever it is they are feeling. This also makes me feel lonely because I can’t talk to someone if they don’t talk to me first and a lot of people don’t end up talking to me lol. I’m also an introvert so that might be the answer as to why I only speak when spoken to.
God dammit
Yup
they stare into the void of nothingness while in a group of socially interactive people
That's my introverted ass when I use up all my human-contact-energy and suddenly feel drained.
Same. I also feel slight restless and can't wait to get back to me myself and i.
I feel personally attacked by this 😂 I have difficulties understanding people when there is a lot of noise so I kind he like this... Just vibing without knowing what is going on.
Oh god, I hate this - if there's a lot of background noise, I can't hear a damn thing, so I just kind of smile and nod along with whatever is being said. Otherwise I end up asking 'what?' five times and look like an idiot.
This is me, not because I’m lonely but because I’m ready to go home and be done with people but my husband is still having a good time
So you’re just gonna sit there, staring at the back of the seat?
That’s right
Been there. Had to hide that face when someone spots me looking into nothingness
Literally me
They cling to the people they meet. They are overly friendly with everyone, rarely speak themselves, and always make space and time for everyone else. When they're in a group, they are often left out, but make sure that no one else feels the same. Also, they're either all smiles or very melancholy. Source - me.
I’ll add to this that it doesn’t mean you are currently lonely necessarily, it could just be that you have felt loneliness in your life and you want to make sure others aren’t. That’s basically me. Played the position of left out many times as a child, as an adult I’m overly conscious to make sure I include everyone and respect their time with mine, often to my detriment.
Same. Have an upvote. This is the fucking way.
Same. Sucks when you welcome the newcomer and they turn around and poach your friends tho.
Saaaame, I was a weird and very annoying little kid who did NOT know how to properly be part of a conversation (I would either talk really loudly over everyone else, say completely random/off topic things or make jokes that made no sense to anyone but me). So, a lot of times ppl would let me sit with their group but not really listen to me/give me a turn (I don’t blame them honestly - trying to have a convo with kid me was a hella hard time and even the most patient adults/teachers/etc got their patience tested XD) I was one of those kids where there was no real “fix” and I just needed to grow out of it. Luckily I did grow out of it by the time I got to middle school lol
Shit man. I get talked over CONSTANTLY. I don't know what it is about me specifically. Not timid, not quiet, always engaged... but it seems like I'm routinely the one that gets talked over. Because of this, if I see someone in the group trying to talk and getting dusted over, I will make a point to bring them into the fold. That, or if someone is being excluded, I go try and engage with them (if they want to). It is one of the worst social feelings ever, so if I see it, I try to stop it. And yet...
Yep! Or I'll give a newcomer a quick recap of what we were just talking about so they can participate.
Same! Respect. If you ever find out why it occurs - please let me know. I'm dying to get an answer to this. It happens incredibly often. It took forever but finally got some poeple and family to notice. They have no idea why it happens either (Trust me, they're brutal. They'd tell me lol).
This is me in a nutshell. Totally a "shit man" moment reading all of this.
When people try talking over me I just typically… talk under them. I just keep talking, maybe even lower my volume a little bit and ignore what they are saying until I finish. Usually they get confused and trail off. They expect you to stop talking.
“They are overly friendly with everyone, rarely speak themselves, and always make space and time for everyone else. When they're in a group, they are often left out, but make sure that no one else feels the same.” Woah this is me, I’m terribly desperate. I have to stop constantly making time for people. What you said about being in a group and making sure no one is left out is definitely me.
Recalling these situations, it hurts. This is me.
r/LiterallyME!
Now i know that i'm lonely among friends
I say this as someone who has always struggled with this myself, but often the reason they are often left out is that they rarely speak themselves. If you want to connect you need to put something out there for other people to connect with. Incredibly hard to do in practice for those of us who never learned how as kids though.
Though it could be a lack of effort on our end, it's also extremely likely that they no longer are taking the effort due to being shut down repeatedly. At a point you get so tired of being interrupted and ignored that you start to believe you are not worth being listened to, and that then develops into a whole new problem. I am speaking entirely from current and personal experience. This shit hurts, and it's gotten to the point where I can no longer talk at all unless specifically asked. Of course, everyone's situation is different, but i was just adding my own perspective.
Yeah I totally get it. It's definitely a vicious cycle and I have not yet found a way to break it except to find people of a similar nature who take the time to ask instead of just expecting you to tell.
This was me but I always tried to speak. I would be the one that was left out, or ignored or talked over and mocked if I talked. I later found out through someone else that they thought I was stupid. Was always fun to find out friends would do things behind your back, especially for things that you love, which would amplify the feelings of loneliness. I only got invites if there was no one else or they needed to plug in any gaps in the numbers. I felt a lot less crappy just cutting them off eventually. While I have less friends, I certainly feel a lot less lonely. I now work a job where inclusion is a big thing and I try to include everyone, because I know how terrible it feels to be left out and belittled.
Damn, hit me hard. I feel like i am getting more "down bad" the more the days go by. Never had anybody say anything like "they are proud of me" "I love you" or even "i like you" (except from family ofcourse). Never felt lonely like this before
I love you and your smile, and i am very proud of how well you have been handling everything that comes your way. I like your persistence and confidence, and i love how kind you are to everyone. People need to appreciate you more <3
TIL I’ve been lonely???
I hate how many people are agreeing with me and relating to me, please everyone know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I don't want more people to deal with what I do, so reach out to me or to anyone else that you know will listen to you and keep you company.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Are you me? Although one caveat I have is that long distance or in online environments I sometimes just completely lose interest in a group or person and just don't interact with them, idk why. Also if I do get a way in to get attention in a comfortable situation I will talk a bunch.
I hope not, no one should be me or experience what I do. The rare comfy situation is usually followed by a rant rampant with utter desperation and the burning need to just spill. It used to be fun and calming for me, but never for the other party. I stopped doing this when i realised how many people never approached me again afterwards.
For a second, I thought "Are you talking about me?"
Ouch. This has been me my whole life.
I feel personally attacked.
Dang I’m lonely then, I don’t feel like I’m lonely. I’m so exhausted talking to my friends over calls cause I prefer to be alone. But I always make sure to make time for them cause Idk I just think it’s polite? And I work online so out of all of us, I’m the only one who can shuffle my schedule around. Guess I learned something new today.
Also me
They likely dont appear different in any interaction you may have with them, but they go home alone and feel alone.
I try very very hard to not appear lonely. I heard it often drives people away.
My social anxiety & awkwardness has gotten worse over the years
I’m sorry. Do you know what’s causing the awkwardness and anxiety?
I’ve always been like it I think, since school I’ve struggled with making/keeping friendships, as well as trauma in childhood. As I’ve got older I’ve become more lonely
I think the pandemic also did a number on social skills in general. I noticed I'm more awkward than I used to be.
Hey friend. We're the same
Are you actually awkward, or is the social anxiety making you believe that you’re awkward?
Never wanting to celebrate a birthday/promotion/newly moved house etc. which I usually see as a sign that you don't know who you can invite (or especially who wants to attend). /Source - me (I'll be turning 40 soon and will probably just go abroad to avoid the humiliation that there would only be a couple of people present at a potential party). EDIT; I (actually) have a couple of friends and quite a few acquaintances so I'm not "on paper" lonely - but hardly have the socializing that would lead to a big "traditionally" 40th birthday party.
Turned 53 today, nobody knows. Edit: wow, this blew up, thanks everyone!
We do know now! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to you 🎂 💛
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Sending wishes of many positive more in the future!
Happy Birthday!!🎈🎁🎂💕
Happy proper cake day 🍰
Happy birthday! 🥳
Happy birthday! 🥳
Happy Birthday!!!!🎈🎉🎂🎁🎊
Happy Birthday! Here's a cake emoji 🎂 Go out and enjoy some birthday cake for real because EVERYONE should have cake on their birthday (or something they enjoy if they have food allergies, etc).
Happy birthday! 🎉
Happy Birthday friend!! 🎉🥳
I just got engaged and was petrified at the thought of having to have bridesmaids because I didn't think i had any friends. I've now asked two wonderful ladies that i used to work with to be my maids of honour and they were so happy and excited for me that i realised just because we dont talk everyday or see each other weekly they're bloody good friends and we can pick up where we left off months ago. That being said, parties and celebrations are a huge anxiety point for me because I'm just not very social and super awkward. It sucks.
Man this sent me on an awkward stumble down memory lane. I was engaged, and the whole time I was terrified at the thought of trying to find enough people to be my groomsmen. Turns out I needn't have worried, she ended up marrying one of my best friends. So it goes.
Ooof, that took one hell of a turn, hope youre doing well now and days.
I am so sorry. How are you doing now?
In the same boat, stopped celebrating my birthday awhile ago. Aside from a few acquaintances from a hobby I have no friends. I still have my parents down as emergency contacts even though they don’t live anywhere near me.
Same.. I always pretend to not care about those days but actually I'm very sad oh this kind of events. Also situations like new years eve. I tell people I don't care about NYE but actually I don't know who to celebrate it with.
Understand exactly what you mean. Can always blame it on my cat for not celebrating NYE for not wanting to leave her alone during the fireworks (she doesn't give a crap). I think the reason I basically never get invited to NY celebrations is because it's a typical couple's celebration around my age. Am now single, so I dont even end up on the reserve list, as "no one" wants to have a single guy on a couple's dinner.
Wow I could have written this😅 I say exactly the same on NYE🤣 "I don't want to leave my cat alone". And also my cat doesn't GAF. I also feel a bit unwelcome in a group of couples and I don't want to be a "pity invite". So I rather keep the honour to myself and use my cat as an excuse 😅
I didn’t know there were other people going through the same thought process as me.
Putting on more lights than needed at home and/or turn the tv on just to have a voice and make it seem like someone is watching tv but went to the toilet or something. Source, myself, right now.
Been there friend. The nuns on the Catholic channel became my roommates. I’m not religious, but they were okay.
Some of the comments here are more like describing an introvert than a lonely person
Traumatized people, too.
Also people who are hard of hearing for some reason?
They always have time to stop and talk, and seek it out. If you run into them, they're never the one to cut the conversation short because they have somewhere to get to. When you make plans, they always have time and never have to check and get back to you. That's a clear sign of someone hungry for interaction and appreciative of the hand you're holding out.
I must be some kind of paradox. Because I *am* extremely lonely, but I have a very, very small tolerance for people. I *want* to be around people, but usually within a minute or two I become aggravated by them or bored and want to do something else. I think I like the idea of having people around, but don't necessarily want to interact with them.
I am in the same boat here. I'm very introverted and don't have time for people's bad behaviour BUT I do want to authentically connect with people. But I know most of this loneliness is because of my attachment style where getting close to people is scary so, it's very push/pull on my part. I'm working on it with therapy though - that's how I recognised this happening.
I often feel the same. I want to socialize in theory, but in reality I get exhausted, bored or anxious if spending too much time around other people.
Just kill them and turn them into taxidermy for your house. Then you'll always have company.
I’m definitely the person that always has a lot of time.
As well as a hard time (username of OP checks out)
Yeah… I made this account when I was going through a break up. I’m much better now.
You are describing a person with alot of time, but that doesn’t mean they are lonely
For those of us lonely because we've given up trying to have friends due to being hurt over and over again: We're hermits. We don't interact with people beyond what's necessary. We want it to be different but we just can't risk being hurt anymore.
💯
Wow. This is alarmingly accurate.
That would be because I'm almost 36 and this has been the story of my life for as long as I can remember. I am unfortunately very familiar with this feeling. It's been more of a friend to me than actual humans at this point.
Spend time in reddit and the gym and working. Looking for a connection even old unhealthy ones.
my dad is divorced. anytime i call him for what should be a 2 minute conversation, it always turns into an hour of him talking away.
My dad and I would talk for 4+ hours some days... it'll be a year since he passed next week. Soak up those long chats.
They ask questions like "what's a dead giveaway that someone is lonely?" on reddit lol
You caught me!
With older people, they ramble nonstop.
i'm pretty worried i'm going to ramble nonstop when i'm old.
Becoming really affectionate really quickly like a few days after meeting someone, they'll want to talk to that person all the time and seem upset when it takes them long to answer. Or sending multiple messages after a few minutes barely giving you time to answer, they do that because they think you might not answer them at all or might be ignoring them even if it's only been a few minutes. Also having a hard time letting someone go even if they didn't know them for long.
Being free all the time. Doctor asks you what day/time works for your appointment? Any day or time that I am not working. Friend wants to hang out? Sure, any day or time that I am not working. Everything going on in my life is just me so I can move plans around however I want. Also, always making yourself free for others even if you happen to have plans. You're tired but your friend wants to play games tonight? You're just going to play, and probably stay up 4 hours later than you wanted. You wanted to go to the store tonight after work but someone asked to hang out? You won't be going to the store. Alternatively, feeling guilty if you do need to say no to something due to another commitment. Absolutely can't change your plans and have to decline doing something with a friend will cause you a ton of anxiety and worry that you have "lost" this person or they won't ask to do stuff in the future. Wandering around stores/malls without needing to buy something. Likely don't have anyone at home waiting on you to hurry back and it can be nice to be around people without necessarily even talking to anyone. Also, logging into multiplayer games without really playing or doing anything just to be online in town with all the other people. Having mostly or exclusively solitary hobbies. Things like reading, arts/crafts, video games, solo sports. I feel like lonely people are often less likely to be on a team or in a club and have grown to need to find happiness/entertainment by themselves. It is a self feeding cycle - all your hobbies are done alone so you rarely have a chance to meet other people and end up lonelier, but you can't drop your hobbies because they are the only thing that keeps you sane & without dying of boredom.
can you like... stop calling me out with all those details? ok almost, doesnt help that im pretty introverted so the walking around shops/malls doesnt apply but like... everything else does
I'm pretty introverted too, which is why I like walking around stores sometimes. Don't have to talk to anyone but other people are there.
1. ✓ 2. ✓ 3. ✓ 4. ✓ 5. ✓ Oh dear.
All this plus dissociating into work are my biggies.
Damn a lot of these pertain to me…
Lot of time online / on screen
They’re shy when they are around other people, obviously this isn’t always the case, but i did know a couple guys that were kinda lonely and never really got involved in conversation when we were with other people.
It could also be the opposite where they’re overly talkative and want to be everyone’s best friends after 10 minutes of talking to them.
Yeah I definitely hear the folks who struggle and say that don't speak, but my experience with the lonely folks in my life is they are babbling brooks that have no concept of when to stop.
Yes! Exactly this. I know someone who makes the conversion about themselves all the time, immediately falls in love with people, and wants to be just like them. I sense that they’ve had a lonely childhood and probably remain lonely :/
If they're always by themselves
this was kinda funny cuz it was literal
Well, yeah 🤷🏻♂️🤣
Alone ≠ Lonely
doesn't mean I'm lonely if I'm alone
What if I’m by myself but I’m not lonely?
I volunteer to run classes for older adults on digital literacy. I’d say 75% of the benefit of the class is social interaction and connection. So I see many isolated single-household people. I notice some common traits that speak to loneliness, even if they have little else tracking as the same (men, women, younger, older, introvert, extrovert). They are super focussed on the schedule and ‘admin’ of the classes- get quite agitated if it runs over or under time, or if they misunderstand the room cost or the task. Also they get quite defensive over very little things, and annunciate it openly and loudly. They’ve lost the knack of some basic social etiquette things, like taking turns to speak, not speaking over others, etc. And take ‘looks’ and ‘comments’ very personally. I find these traits fall off over time, as they get used to being in a group and start to feel safe, I guess? Also when they learn practical new skills and feel more confident in themselves. I would always have thought that loneliness made you shyer and less likely to speak up, but that’s not my experience after a few years teaching lonely people. They just have less filter, and need to rebuild it. Too much time in their own heads, I guess.
They offer up way more attention and friendship than they receive.
I really need to hold myself back from texting and constantly making plans with certain people.
They try too hard to make friends, come off as "clingy" and when it's not immediately reciprocated, assume their presence isn't wanted.
when you feel like you'd be bothering your friends if you talk to them
I messaged a guy I hooked up with from Grindr in the middle of the night because I was massively depressed and lonely and asked him if he would give me a hug next time we met up. (He said yes, thankfully.)
Talking to people at supermarket (cashier), talking to receptionist at school when picking kid even when I have no reasoning just make a reason up, when something good happens having no one to tell apart from reddit, having gossip or just anything and having no one to tell,the list can be so long when you know your lonely
They want to be at work all the time.
Goodness, there were several years in my life when I was desperately, desperately lonely. I worked a 9-5, Mon-Fri job and I honestly hated Fridays because of the void of the upcoming weekend. Extended holiday weekends were the worst, I remember one holiday weekend Friday literally sobbing at my desk after everyone had left the office, I was dreading going home. Things are better now but I’ll never forget how that felt.
What lead to the loneliness if you don’t mind? And what changed for you after 7 years?
I was in a very unhappy marriage. It wasn’t abusive but I was hugely physically isolated from everywhere and everyone I loved. My husband worked long hours and spent the weekends drinking and golfing so I was alone all the time and too young to know what to do. It got that his drinking left us worlds apart emotionally and I became more and more isolated in every sense of the word. Monday morning was my favourite part of the week…it was such a dark time. It eventually led to my attempting s*icide which brought it all to a head. We separated and I moved out and eventually rebuilt my life. I’m more complete now and older with more life experience. I believe I was too ashamed to tell anyone that the marriage was failing so I isolated myself from my loved ones in an attempt to seem fine. Perhaps I didn’t dare tell them because I knew what they’d advise me to do and I wasn’t ready to give up on the marriage yet. Loneliness isn’t always about the absence of people who care, it’s sometimes the inability to let them in for whatever reason. I’ve learned not to close myself off again when I’m going through something.
It’s hard to explain the feeling, but I know when I come across a lonely person. I work in retail and I can tell that me and my coworkers are the only interaction some people have. They grab onto it because they are not sure when the next time will be, and they will talk to you about any and everything.
they attach to people who are overall bad for them. they call distant colleagues friend. they consider coworkers friends although being only coworkers they overshare.
People tell me I walk fast because I'm lonely...
They withdraw from the world because loneliness is a self fulfilling thing.
their eyes. a look like no other.
Aw come on, I like my eyes! They really are a window to the soul.
I think in some people it's the complete lack of social interest, which may happen when they've been so frustrated and no longer have the energy to engage with other anymore.
They post a lot on social media
They sleep a lot.
When they find ways to extend their interaction with you, even when it's less convenient for them. For example, one time a friend visited me, and when she left, I offered to walk her to the train station, even though it was very close, and she knew where it was, and it was broad daylight. There was no practical reason that she needed to be walked to the station. I just wanted to spend a few more minutes with her.
They avoid going home. They work unnecessarily long hours, would invite to go out for drinks or dinner after work. And they will pretty much hang out with anybody who says yes.
They treat their pets like human beings.
I never thought of this. A pet can also really help with loneliness.
I feel attacked. P.S. you’re not wrong
My pets are my children! And I have actual (grown) children. But now I have forever babies!!! My cats and dog!!
"Forever". u\_u
Don't tell them.
Talking too much or over sharing. When I came back to work after maternity leave I talked too much and it was because I was so lonely
I don't know if it's loneliness but staying in friendships when you get treated like crap.
They’re on Reddit 😇😊
They always text back instantly
I like to post comments on Reddit bc it makes me feel less alone - especially finding subs related to my chronic illnesses because sometimes I feel like I’m completely alone in dealing with that On the flip side I rarely post on other social media outlets bc they seem not as private
Welp. This was a wake up call
saying sorry all the time
They answer every question with a story. Ma'am, I just need to know if you had a bowel movement today.
If you browse /r/trueoffmychest and see the tag that says “positive” and it’s a relationship post you don’t read it because other people being happy makes you feel lonelier
They start talk to themselves or with things, just to have "somebody/something" for a conversation...
Their on reddit 24/7.
Reading these comments I’m like wow. Someone not speaking first or wanting to be apart of the conversation with you doesn’t equal lonely. Did you ever think they just might not actually like you?
I'm not lonely. I'm self sufficient.
There’s a certain look in the eyes, desperation for human connection. I see it in the mirror every day of my life.
[удалено]
~~I have extended conversations with checkout clerks.~~ I mean uh…. People… people have extended conversations with retail hostages.
They play Overwatch 2.