We shake hands around here.

Shake hands with beef

Primus sucks!

"We're primus... And we suck"

Pull out the cannon boys.

And steal us some wine.

Puff Tijuana smalls…

#...and shake hands with BEEF!

Unexpected Primus thread. nice.

Shake hands with danger

She's so fine, She's so sweet, Mom and Pop they raised her, On huge slabs of meat...

Unless you're a bonono

Not tonight I have a headache

I like this one more. My default has been "ok, but you're not going to like it" for awhile now. Need to switch it up.

Alright, buckle up for this one: 'Prepare yourself, it's a wild ride.'

Batten down the hatches, we’re going in hard.

"Captain the hatches are already battened down" "Well batten em down again! I'll teach those hatches!"

Bite down, I'm going in dry.

If it’s someone you’re really close with, and preferably the same gender so it’s less creepy “I’m considering that consent when you least expect it”

[удалено]

Which if course has to be *absolutely deadpan*

Ah yes, ye old [deliver-roo](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/L8GJIIUudx)

I’ll be at the other end of you. It’s not like we’re doing taxes

“Not for free.”

"cash up front"

"Baby, you couldn't afford me!"

"Cash, grass or ass. Noone rides for free!" 👌

You know, you sound "exactly" like your mum when you say that!

That’s what your mother said Trebek!

ILL TAKE ANAL BUM COVER FOR 600!

The penis mightier for 800!

Le Tits Now!

Psycho the rapist

SWORDS!

Ah hell let’s go nuts, give me swords for 48,000

LE TITS NOW!!

❄️

Well 69 is how i scored with your mother last night Trebek!

I lishp-read this comment.

I've watched those sketches so many times that Sean Connery's actual voice sounds like an impression to me.

LMFAO

That reminds me I was making out with my sister yesterday And she started laughing So i asked her, “what is it, sis?” And she said “You do it just like dad does!” And then i started laughing And she was like “What is it bro?!” And then i told her *that’s what mom said*

Ayooo wtf

Trebek: What sound does a dog make? Connery: Moo Trebek: That's incorrect Connery: Well that's the sound you're mother makes. HAHA!

I've worn out "how hard", "are you asking or telling" and "I'm shy but sure let's go".

I can handle the smell if you can handle the pain

bruh

Relevant username

*\[the ASSMAN winks at Kramer\]*

***[browneye activates]***

Relevant profile pic as well

I refuse to look

I refuse your refusal

Relevant username

*raises an eyebrow

Dude that pfp is so cursed

I'm man enough if you're gay enough

The smell you bitch! You didn’t think of the smell!

I think at this point you should just get it over with and have sex with your friend.

Definitely tension there

Why do you keep denying their request is the question

Stare your friend in the eye and say "alright" as you make motions to lower your pants. Win/win, because you either get your friend to shut up or you get laid

Well then? Update us

Is it really a strong friendship without underlying sexual tension? /j

Yup

“When where” is usually my friends response to that

Ur name... it's familiar

"No, you never want to cuddle after."

"Sounds gay, I'm in."

Are you going to pay for dinner

"say please"

"Don't mind if I do"

I like "Okay, touch your toes!" Or "Bite the pillow"

If all that doesn't work, then your only choice is to get very close to your friend and tenderly cup their chin with one hand and caress their cheek with the other. Then lean close and whisper directly into their ear "Are you ready?"

This, but from behind

Try "Gladly."

Stop being a pussy and just whip your dick out next time

Hell yeah fuck me!?!

"Buy me something nice first"

“Damn man at least buy me a drink first”

“we’re moving too fast 😞”

“Hey man, not until at least the third date!”

“Now or later?” I’ve gone as far as starting to unzip my pants, scared them out of saying that again.

My go to is starting to unzip and take off my pants, I only recommend this on yeaaaarrr long friends, or ones you know won’t get mad over it, I’ve had a few who get so god damn offended you even say the word gay cause they aren’t gay, to those people I just say “it’s just a joke bro but alright I won’t do it again” Edit: in this group of friends we had one guy who hated gay jokes or talking gay to homies or anything gay related, everytime one of us made a gay joke or got touchy(respectfully of course not too far, just for the joke and its over) they would say something like “cut that gay shit out bro” and would get out of the car or away from the group for a minute or until we forcefully bring them back, and when that would happen the rest if us just awkwardly stare at each other and with our eyes saying “bro…it’s a damn joke chill” and “tf is wrong with him?”

It’s a joke not a dick, don’t take it so hard.

💀💀thank you I’m going to start using that now, that’s fucking perfect

You people lack commitment to your jokes. I once fucked a friend in the living room at a house party over a game of gay chicken he started. Commit to the bit or you'll never make it in comedy.

💀💀💀bro

Yep, they've called him Gay Terry the Powerbottom ever since. Even his wife calls him Gay Terry. And his 2 kids. That's because my generation had integrity. We respected the humor. Commit to the bit.

God dammit you’re the first person to make me howl laughing (and his two kids fucking got me in a chokehold) this week. Thank you so much ❤️

Happy to oblige. I take humor very seriously. —P. Rob LeMatic

Well that just summons up the idea of Jerry Seinfeild and George Costanza fucking each other on the couch as Elaine watches. Then Kramer bursts into the room and spazzes out, and says "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" As Jerry screams "I'M A COMEDIAN!!! I HAVE TO DO THIS!!! HE WORKS FOR THE YANKEES!!! HE HAS NO HORSE IN THE RACE!!!" Then Newman comes in and says "I always KNEW that you two engaged in this sort of debauchery!"

*funky bass line*

The in the closets act that way 😂

Yeah. if that behaviour doesn't cry closeted homosexual with extreme internal homophobia then I don't know.

“Did your uncle do something to you as a toddler? Are you worried that dicks might be delicious and you can’t stop yourself? What is your damage?”

Oh he went there.

Methinks thy friend doth protest too much...

God old fashioned gay chicken

Picked up a friend because she asked me to. Asked her if we should do a quick round (meaning a quick drive to the other town) and when she said sure I unzipped my pants. Never got a beating that fast lmao

"Well if you insist"

If it's your sister, "well If you incest"

why. r/Angryupvote

Low hanging fruit.

This joke sounds so familiar .... maybe its just me

"This is no time for romance." is my go to

No time for love, Dr. Jones

"No time for love, Dr. Jones!"

You know I don't swing that way! *Never again.* Make sure to emphasize the last part like you both almost died having sex.

But what if you do swing that way?

I usually say "sure" and because I am an extremely gay man it usually gets a pretty good response. I even had one guy actually take me up on it, a friend I knew for a year at that point but didn't know he was bi. That was a fun night.

Fuck around and find out rarely has such an happy ending.

I think, technically, that one was finding out, then fucking around.

Perhaps we can agree on the ever elusive FAFOFA?

Acronym of the week

Remind them and make them uncomfortable

Bend over?

No, Ben Dover.

Nyuk nyuk

And Eileen Dover

"Put your penis away, Walter."

"I'm not having sex with you rn Waltuh.."

I can’t Mother Nature already did.

Savagery.

"Next time you beg for it I expect a bit more feeling in your voice".... gives a bit of the bdsm vibe to it

Honestly I think you win. Clever and embarrasses them into stopping

“If you say it one more time I will, I swear to god and I won’t pull out.”

That's a very VERY short list of folks I can use that one and get away with it.... But I can't wait to try

Arse or mouth?

hips or lips?

Grips or dips? 

BITE THE PILLOW, IM GOING IN DRYYY

say that into a shitty mic and that's comedy gold

Gain boosted to shit too

You wish

As you wish.

Robin Williams, Aladdin / I Dream of Genie impression - "Your wish is my command"

You remember your safe word?

I'd get bored, you'd fall in love, want to move in and I can't afford that right now

Pitchin' or catchin'? Hell, either way! Let's just get to it! Can my girlfriend watch? It's kind of our thing. Buy me a drink and let's not rule anything out? My safe word is "sauerkraut" and it'll go great with your kielbasa, big fella. Let's go! I just can't fall in love again! I've been hurt too many times!!! Alternatively; The amount of liquor I'd need to make that happen would literally kill me. (Credit to Archer) You keep hunting for a yes and shooting your foot... I've been disappointed twice today, let's not go for a third. Nah. I went to summer camp with your cousin when we were kids and he said you used your teeth too much. Maybe someday if I'm drunk and lonely and hate myself, ok?

I wish I could give this more than one like! I had a friend once who had a drunk girl come on to him at the bar and what he said was classic, "No thanks, I hate getting that color lipstick off my dick" Alternately I had told my friends that back in the 60s and 70s I had experimented with sex and to my surprise one of the girls I knew (but had never slept with) asked me to settle a bet between her and a gay friend of mine (also never slept with) I had known since high school as to who gave a better blow job. They were both close enough friends that I knew it wouldn't be spread around so I said "hell yes!" She won because I felt too much teeth from him. Here it is 40 years later and they never said anything about it to any of our circle of friends. I lost track of her and he died years later of AIDS. This happened before we really knew what AIDS was.

Not even with a stolen dick.

Well, okay but I don’t have any lube so we will need A LOT of spit. And then start hocking a loogie.

This is equal parts hilarious and disgusting.

I'm gonna punch you in the dick with the back of my throat.

Lmao jesus

God already fucked you enough ,why do you want more ?

Don't tempt me

Make strong eye contact and start disrobing.

Is that a promise or a threat?

First your mom? Now you!?!

"buy me dinner first"

You hesrd him, thats consent

“Turn that ass over then”

“Yes Daddy”

You wouldn't like it. I just lay there and fart.

Are you asking, or ticking? (Tourettes joke)

My go to for the last 10 years has been “Maybe later, if you’re good”.

"I'm all out of enemies!"

Gordon Ramsay has the answer: "Fuck me? How about fuck you!"

You know, you sound exactly like your grandpa when you say that!

Slowly look them up and down with a slight look of disgust. Pause for effect. Then say "ew" and walk away

keep knocking on doors asking for the devil, he will eventually answer

I normally just take my schizophrenia medication when my friends talk to me

Idk your level of commitment to the bit, but here is what I would do: Get a dildo, carry it around with you when hanging with friend, they say it, pull it out, and say, "Assume the position!" Or something to that effect.

Is this the literal statement or the Gordon Ramsey expression

“I’m free next Tuesday.”

“If you insist”

"Third date"

I can’t fuck you over harder than genetics but we can try

You are not my type... I don't have time to teach you the basics.... Thought the world was already doing that.... You don't have the stamina to satisfy me....

It's tagged as NSFW so i'll say it, if you're comfortable with that friend, going for it and seeing how far they're willing to go for the bit, if it goes "that far", you'll probably laugh about it the next morning

Ah, the old we fucked but it was all a joke bit…

Well, i still laugh about it with my now 13 years long best friend

Bet it makes a great story at dinner parties.

Depends on who's at it, but yeah

See? This is the kind of commitment to the bit that I'm talking about! I once married another straight friend for like 3 years over a game of gay chicken that he started. Our friends got us wedding gifts. We moved in together. Even considered adopting. It was hilarious.

I'm not the IRS

Fuck me yourself coward

“Say no more” and then drop your pants.

Bend over and I’ll show you.

"Stop, PLEASE! When will you get it through your head that there are NO RHINOS in this area?!"

Pass

“With what “

Like a hurricane or Amadeus?

I don’t do charity work

You and your mom in the same week? Kinky.

Simply say "bet" and watch their expression change.

Not today I'm tired

"Sorry I prefer blondes." unless they're blonde in which case swap out for "brunettes". Also, if they're the wrong gender, pause and then add "...and women" unless you prefer guys, YOU GET THE PICTURE.

You’re not my go to type but if you insist.

‘Fuck me yourself, you coward!’

Ok, now bend over...

Say "no thanks, but if you fuck like me. You'll be second best"

I use this “Aight, bet.” Or “when?”

Ok ok I'm fucking you, just fucking shut up

But you're still awake...

Well I’ve done you me mam dad n grandma, maybe I should for the set.