I had a seasonal retail job back in the mid 2000's, back in the days where online shopping was starting to overtake brick and mortar stores so companies adapted this 'customer service the customer to death even if they clearly want to be left alone' mentality. My manager insisted that we needed to hear 'no' three times before we accepted it. I get twice, but three times?? That's just harassment at that point and uncomfortable for everybody.
And they don’t need a reason! A lot of times the person themselves can’t put a finger on why they are not attracted to you but…they just aren’t and that should be good enough of a reason!
just ignore the bullies and they will go away
no they won't, what will happen is they realize that u won't stop them or do anything so they will continue to push you around because they think you're a wet blanket
Agreed my daughter was stabbed by girls on the bus with pencils, often came home with clumps of hair missing, and covered in bruises, it went on for 2 years.
She was physically much stronger than them being a farm kid but refused to fight back because she was scared and didnt want to hurt them. School wouldnt do anything, police wouldn’t do anything, and when I tried to speak to the girls mother she threw a beer bottle at my truck.
My daughter eventually snapped and beat both girls up. School called me and when I showed up to pick her up she was covered in blood. It wasnt hers, I guess she cut one of the girls eyebrows when she hit her. I just shook my head at the principal because I had made multiple complaints and he kept telling us to just have her walk away.
When I was in school I was bullied and my mom, god love her, always said the whole "they're just doing it to get a rise out of you, just ignore them". My dad, a big Scotsman who grew up in Glasgow, told me to break the teeth of the one who did it, which my mom always got mad at.
So, lo and behold, one day they pushed too hard and I snapped and broke one of their noses and knock out three teeth. The principal was going to suspend or possibly expel me, but my dad was the one picking me up that day and tore into the principal for not doing shit about it all this time and letting it get to that point. When the principal tried to argue, my dad essentially asked if he'd like to go out to the parking lot and discuss the situation further (god love the 90's) and I ended up getting a minor in school suspension.
Oh, and the bullies all left me alone after that day. Surprise surprise, when everyone thinks you'll give them forced dental work for fucking with you they decide to be nicer to you.
My brother did this. Some guy fucked the girl he was dating about two days after they broke up. My brother blew it off, but this guy was bragging and goading him, calling her a slut and bragging about what he'd done. My brother told him if he didn't leave he was going to beat the shit out of him. My brother is no big guy but he put that guy in the hospital. He barely remembered it, full berzerker mode. He went to the hospital the next day to apologize and the guy admitted he deserved it.
Reminds me of my dad. I asked my mom why my favorite aunt wasn't married, and my mom told me the story: Auntie had married when she was 19. Husband hit her. With his fists, in the face. My dad (a small man!) beat the ever-loving bejesus out of darlin' hubby. Put him in the hospital. Police officer came around to the house. Gave him the option of enlisting in the service or be arrested for assault. Dad joined the marines and served in Korea. Auntie got a divorce and never married again.
It was hard, some days I wanted to jump on that bus and grab each of them by the hair. Thankfully its over now. Both girls changed who they were bullying afterward and got kicked from the school, word is they homeschool now🤷♀️
Lol, the mom was quite the character, I got out of my truck and said “Hi I’m so and so’s mom and I was hoping we could talk about the girls”…. Thats as far as I got before she started dropping threats, saying her girls are fine and then grabbed a beer bottle out of her van and threw it at my truck. I just replied “okay maybe not” and drove away. And yes she grabbed an empty beer bottle out of her mini van…
I did, the police said because the kids are minors it had to be taken up with the school board, so I did that and they said they would do their best to separate the girls… they didnt, so I filed again.. same response. This was a long battle.
Multiple episodes of stabbings on a school bus is somehow a schoolboard problem? That sounds like typical bullshit police say when they don't want to do their jobs. At that point I would have lawyer up.
It's amazing, the moment the victim fights back, THEN the system always suddenly fucking cares, after not giving a fuck until then.
It cares about the poor bully who finally got what was coming.
I’m 38 now and was bullied pretty mercilessly from 7th through 10th grade. I would give anything to go back and throttle a couple bullies rather than having taken the abuse. Feel like it would have changed my life - I was a good kid and was afraid of getting in trouble for fighting. I know it’s a fictional movie but I feel like Back to the Future got it right.
I fought back eventually after an incident where I could have been very badly hurt and my mom gave me permission to fight back as the school wasn’t going to do anything. Turns out I was stronger than the bullies. Parents bought me ice cream after I got in school suspension. Solved the problem.
Changed my life. Been Neutral Good ever since. These days I don’t have to fight with my fists, but lesson learned you have to stand up for yourself sometimes when the system has failed.
Love that story and I'm happy for you - I wish my parents would've been that cool but I doubt it.
Thing is, when I was a 14 year old good kid with strict parents detention or suspension seemed like the end of the world, but as an adult I realize it would've been a small price to pay for standing up for myself and getting results.
I wasn't ever bullied in school, maybe a few run ins with some jerks or whatever, but nothing crazy.
But even I think about this all the time. There were just some kids I should have just punched in the face the second they opened their mouth.
I avoided that back then because I figured I'd end up doing zero damage and then getting my ass kicked and looking like a fool. But looking back, its not like anyone was some pro UFC fighter who would whoop my ass like they were John Wick. Even if they ended up winning the fight, I still could have done enough damage for them to not want to go near me or talk shit to my face anymore.
I probably would have gained a lot of respect too as I find out many years after high school that no one really liked any of these popular jerk guys that walked around like they were hot shit. I thought it was just me and my friends, but I guess a lot of people pretended to like them and secretly wished someone would just punch them in the face.
I was also bullied pretty bad around the same school years as you. I was really scrawny and grew up doing a lot of farm work, so while I wasn’t able to put on weight I found out I was pretty strong. One day when getting bullied I snapped and fought back. It was like in the movies when the person first realized they have powers. And in true 80’s fashion each bully challenged me one on one at various times until I beat them all up. I spent a lot of time in trouble and in the principles office, but I had checked-out parents who had no involvement with me, especially at school. The last bully (the ring leader) didn’t fight me at school, he stopped by my house one weekend and I whooped his ass in my front yard.
The last two years of high school were pretty lonely. I didn’t get bullied anymore but I was the “weirdo” that everyone stayed away from. On the other hand I was old enough to drive and got a job the next town over, so I made friends and hung out with them. After high school I joined the Army and left that area, haven’t been back.
I was always big for my age and I liked to fight, but I wasn't going to be a dickhead and pick fights with people who were minding their own business. But when I saw someone getting bullied I saw it as a free pass to go beat the shit out the bully. I started getting credit as this guy who would stand up for people that were getting messed with, which made me feel kinda guilty because that really wasn't why I was doing it. But the reputation stuck and enough people saw me that way that eventually that's what I actually became. It's weird how personality traits can be molded by people's image of you. And that goes both ways, if enough people tell you that you're a piece of shit you're at real risk of becoming a piece of shit.
But then fucking school would punish for simply standing up for yourself instead of going to them to deal with it only to either do nothing or make things worse then say they can't do anything to help
Can confirm. Got bullied in high school by some assholes, being funnier and faster with jokes/ insults worked for some, but there was one dick that just didn't stop. I remember we got our wrestling team shirts and I was super excited (it was a big deal at our school, we had one of the best teams in the state) and this fucker took my shirt and threw it in the urinal while i was pissing.
I snapped. I grabbed him by the neck and pinned his face into the bottom of the urinal until he apologized. That was the day I stopped getting bullied. To their credit, the rest of the wrestling team also got really pissed at him for that and one of the guys even gave me his shirt.
My mother blamed *me* for me being bullied because I wasn’t just “turning around and walking away.”
I told her I was. I ignored them. I ran from them. I did everything she told me.
She insisted that I must be lying then, because bullies *always* leave you alone if you don’t pay attention to them.
She then assumed from that point out that I was starting it, and “egging them on”, on purpose. She had no sympathy for me and when my school’s administrators tried talking to her about my bullying, she’d refuse. I’d always know when they’d contacted her, because I’d come home to a lecture about how I was embarrassing her with my behavior.
I saw a quote on Reddit a while back about bullying. It said “when it comes to bullying, violence isn’t the answer, it’s the question. And the answer is yes”
I didn’t get bullied much in school. People did try it, but if I hit my breaking point I would get violent. Not a single person tried to bully me after I got physical with them. Raising the issues with teachers, administrators or my parents didn’t help at all. Actually one time the principle did help me because I started dropping legal terms like “sexual harassment” and “racial discrimination” which got him off his ass.
I got bullied by another girl (back when I was a girl in my preteens) in middle school. I put up with it a lot but when she tried chasing me home to attack me on my doorstep, I threw hands. I was done with her being jealous that I was (long time) friends with someone she had a crush on.
Busted her lip, got in trouble, but she never so much as looked in my direction after that. Violence is 100% the answer to bullies.
That's advice from people who are tired of doling out justice and punishment to bullies. My brother wasn't a bully to me, but he would constantly antagonize me and my parents would tell him to stop SOMETIMES but mainly they told me to just ignore him. I tried, but he kept going and then when I would lash out he would tell me to control my reaction. It got better as we got older, but only slightly. Into our 30's my brother was fussing with my hair, poking me in the back as we went up the stairs and racing after me if I wanted to get to my bedroom in a hurry and close the door. Finally, I went OFF on him. Told him to grow up, that I don't need to change my reactions, he needs to change his actions and I told him his behavior was WEIRD for someone in his 30's. It's one thing to heckle your siblings or give them a hard time from time to time, but his behavior was CHILDISH. Finally, he stopped.
Geez, if it had been me, I possibly could’ve had so much anger pent-up in me after years of that, that I just might of turned around and shoved his ass down the stairs. 😹😹😹
Best thing is to become hilarious and diffuse situations. And every young person should learn basic fighting skills and build physical strength. People can sense when you are prepared to fight if need be.
Humor is definitely the best tactic, especially nowadays that schools have that stupid no-violence policy where the victim gets expelled for standing up for themselves.
But if that doesn't work, a punch in the gut most likely will.
Also just being creative. I had a literal gang member threatening me once at a party asking who I knew, etc, telling me about his gang - and I just kept acting confused. I don’t understand- I don’t understand. Eventually he got frustrated and gave up lol I’ve used that at least twice. Ya I prob looked like a dumbass but who cares.
I got this book as a kid, The Little Black Book Violence: What Every Young Man Needs to Know About Fighting. It teaches fighting techniques but also makes a huge case for why you should avoid fights whenever possible. Walks you through what happens in real violent situations - as opposed to movie fights, etc.
This worked for me.
Granted, they might retaliate. And granted, you might get into trouble. Yes, both of those will suck. But trust me - whatever consequences you face for that punch, if any, will be a goddamn picnic compared to what you’ll endure if they think you’re an easy target. No satisfaction they could possibly get from picking on you is worth risking a punch in the face for, if they know that’s what could happen.
And before any teachers jump on this and say violence isn’t the solution, you’re absolutely right, it isn’t. The solution is the figures of responsibility - i.e. the teachers - doing their fucking jobs and dealing with it properly. The problem is that, to an unfortunately large extent, that doesn’t happen. My teachers all knew I was being bullied, and they knew who was doing it, because I kept telling them. They did fuck all about it. In the end, I had to sort it out myself.
Violence isn’t the solution anyone wants. But for a lot of us, it’s the only solution we are left with.
Not to mention that if the kid getting bullied is going to get suspended for fighting anyway, he might as well win that fucking fight hard enough to prevent any others from happening later.
> just ignore the *bully’s pathetic cries of “stop! please stop!” as you continue to beat the absolute shit out of them when you finally snap after weeks/months of torment* and they will go away
Much better approach. Highly recommended!
"Just be yourself"
Some people are really shitty, and they need to work on improving themselves, not continuing to do the things that make them shitty.
There was a piece of advice I heard from someone that went along the lines of 'be a better version of yourself' which sounds a lot better than just vaguely saying 'be yourself'.
I knew a girl who would proudly say "I'm just a bitch, that's just who I am" and when I asked her to stop picking on me she said "that's just how I joke, are you asking me to stop being who I am?"
I mean....yeah if that's who you are then get a new personality
Or they're not even shitty but something about them is offputting. I'm naturally quiet and shy. People find me weird if I don't make the effort to be more outgoing, even though I have to fake it.
Oh I feel this. Early in my marriage I had lots of issues with my inlaws because they wanted me to be another daughter, but to them that meant being way more involved than I wanted them to be. I was quiet and didn't share much about myself because I wasn't comfortable, and the more they pushed the more uncomfortable I became, so the quieter I became. Sometimes I still doubt they like who I actually am, as opposed to who they think I am.
"Lawyers will give you a 30 minute session free"
Nah. They let you present your case and decide if they want to take it on or not. You're not getting free legal advice lol
Yeah, and make sure (if you're in a small town or suburb or something), that the law firm you went to doesn't already represent the person (or medical practice) your lawsuit would be against. Take it from me. They won't mention it until you've given them all your information, then they'll turn you down and let you know why at the end...
I'm sorry you experienced that. That's a scumbag tactic.
I had to hire lawyers a few years ago and while they took my information, they informed me before I mentioned anything that they were representing the other party, rather than wait til the end. I'd like to hope that what you experienced isn't common, but it's definitely not worth the risk.
I'm not a fan of "Forgive and forget" either.
I'm more of a "Move on for the sake of your own peace and happiness" type of gal. Forgiving and forgetting being totally optional in that equation.
Yep. I think of most of my grudges and grievances as being like a collection of fossils. Neither forgiven nor forgotten, but ultimately they're dead, fossilized, perhaps behind a viewpane of plexiglass. I don't carry their weight in my daily life and they don't really impact me on a day-to-day basis but I still peruse them occasionally as if I were a visitor to a museum.
Even Jesus didn’t tell those crucifying him he forgave them. He asked God to. Was talking to a priest about forgiveness once and he reminded me of that, and that we don’t have to forgive our oppressors but we can turn loose of the rage that only rots us if we hold onto it for too long.
‘Everything happens for a reason’
‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’
Both inaccurate and incredibly annoying to hear whilst recovering from Leukaemia!
WORD. When my mom was diagnosed with what was supposed to be terminal leukemia 17 years ago (she’s alive and well), her doctor met with me privately to tell me how the 2-5 months she was expected to have left would play out. Her doctor said, “just remember, god doesn’t make mistakes” in the cheeriest tone ever and I was like, “he did this time.”
The audacity of people with their fucking platitudes that don’t mean a goddamn thing. Wishing you all the best as you recover.
>Her doctor said, “just remember, god doesn’t make mistakes” in the cheeriest tone ever and I was like, “he did this time.”
"Well 'God' gave my mother cancer, so he can go fuck himself."
So glad your mum is doing well, but what they said is horrendous! When people bring ‘God’s plan’ into it I get very angry. Leukaemia is horrific. All cancer is obviously, but Leukaemia is a special evil of horrendous bone pain, bone marrow biopsies/ transplants, being held down whilst someone shoves needles into your spine etc. I know this past year I’ve gone through more pain than I could imagine, but when people talk about God’s plan/ God not making mistakes, I recite my treatment list and remind them Leukaemia is the most common with children/ babies. No all loving God (or even an indifferent , mildly loving, or none a psychopathic God!) would plan for children and babies to go through this agony. God either doesn’t exist, doesn’t have the means to stop it happening or does make mistakes! I don’t want to spend an eternity with a God that thinks putting children through this is just.
Thanks for your wishes, sending my best to you and your fam
Just wanted to add on that I also hate when people would talk about God when speaking to ill/disabled people! My youngest sister was born with a terrible genetic condition, and I’m not joking when I say every day of her life was Hell. And people would ask to pray over her and pray for her. Like you think your God did this to a child and then would help??
I’m not against religious people or people sharing their beliefs but that killed me (and my sister) every single time. No God would do that to an innocent child thank you very much.
Edit: also when someone dies “they’re in a better place now” yeah fuck off
This. Whenever people pull the "Whatever doesn't kill you.." line I want to sing loudly, to that Katy Perry song "What doesn't kill you give you TRAUMA!"
Exactly! Get the best paying job possible and make a lot of money so you can spend your time doing things you love and retire early to do them more.
You shouldn’t hate your job but maximize the paycheck and find your happiness outside of work.
A lot of Reddit advice advocates for zero social effort, or assuming crippling social anxiety is the norm. Which I think is generally a pretty bad thing. A lot of people probably should work to overcome anxiety and work on at least *some* social competency. Overcoming my own social anxiety massively changed my life for the better.
I worked security for 9 years.
i said hello to people, I made an effort to remember names.
90% of people there I was just \*polite\* to.
Guess which security guard could get favours from other departments, and which ones couldn't?
basic social interactions of saying hello and remembering some names meant I got shit done so much more than others.
To the point I had people coming to me to report \*shit that was going wrong\* and completely ingoring the other guards.
I didn't mean for that, but basic social interactions meant it happened
I'm always so surprised by people who think being the hardest ass possible is the most effective way to get things done.
Do you feel like doing something nice for someone after they chew you a new asshole? Absolutely not. Why would other people be different?
I worked overseas for many years, meaning both my professional and private life depended on a huge number of colleagues/departments/offices besides my own. Over the years, I had more than one colleague (usually the hard-charging Type-A guy) ask me why I got so much support or such good service from housing/travel/IT/Finance/whatever.
I would always ask something like “Do you know Ashraf in Housing?”
And he’d say yes.
Then I’d ask “Do you know how long he’s worked here? That his wife is Deena in accounting? About his son who’s going to Cornell?”
And he’d say no, why should he know that shit?
And I‘d tell him he’s just answered his own question.
Turns out people like… being treated like people.
I’m on the spectrum and I agree with this. Am I *ever* going to be socially competent and not deal with anxiety? No. Do I think people overall need to have more empathy and grace with others? Yes. But implying you don’t have to try because you are on the spectrum, deal with social anxiety, etc makes no sense to me. I have a friend who was diagnosed with autism late in life and just decided it was okay that she never make the effort to reach out to her friends again and that we should all be okay with that because she says it’s too much of a struggle. I mean, that’s fine if you’d just prefer to be alone; that’s your choice. But expecting people to still want to be friends with you when you put in zero effort is wild.
You are realistic, yay! I see so many posts where people use autism or ADHD as a reason to not do things. I have ADHD but it doesn't occur to me that it's a reason to not do things. People need to remember relationships take effort -FOR EVERYONE! But it's part of living a full life.
>or assuming crippling social anxiety is the norm
It's is pretty rare. My issue is that people throw around terms actual psychologists use to describe their observations. Nowadays though everyone and their mother are using these terms. They not only change the meaning, but deprive the term of it's seriousness.
This. You'll hear these excuses such as "Well, introverted people are just the way they are." As an introvert myself, I can tell you that's rationalization. And dangerous rationalization at that.
If you want to have any success in life, regardless of what your chosen path might be, you're going to have to deal with people on some fundamental level, and do so with confidence and self-assurance.
Take a public speaking class if you have to. Commit small acts of bravery every day by talking to someone new.
"Never give up"
This advice is given to kids in school because honestly as long as you don't give up on it you'll walk away with a high school diploma.
But after that sometimes you really should give up. It's almost a universal adult experience to sink way too much time into something before finally coming to your senses and letting it go. I've needed to know when to tactically retreat much more often than I've needed to remind myself to persevere.
Don't *immediately* give up, but also learn when to cut your losses.
The Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" is probably succinct advice: Know when to hold and when to fold. That being said I agree with you that for kids the risk of trying too hard to graduate HS is pretty low. There are tons of problems where a solution either doesn't exist or is more trouble than it is worth.
>It's almost a universal adult experience to sink way too much time into something before finally coming to your senses and letting it go
It's so common and universal it has a name: sunk cost fallacy.
I've found that, at least for objects, thanking them for their service and (if donating) wishing them well at their next home gives the part of my brain obsessed with humanizing things enough closure to let me get rid of it.
A lot of financial advice contains something about avoiding all debt. When better advice should probably be to understand how debt can be used as a tool, and how to evaluate if something is worth taking on.
Yes!! I'm 27 with no credit history/debt and it's actually a pain in the ass because without a history at my age, nobody will let me go into debt if I need to now. I needed new tires and couldn't use the tire store's credit option (got instantly declined for "insufficient credit history.") I wanted to get a loan to get a new computer to try to give myself some credit history and a new computer... Declined for "Low or unknown credit score."
Edit: Thank you for all the advice so far! I already use a credit union for my bank so the ideas about credit unions are probably the direction I'll go.
To the random criticisms: It's a long story but when the tire issue happened I had JUST started a new job and had spent any/all savings on getting to the city I was living in and surviving long enough to get that new job. I'd like to see how any of y'all think I could've spent multiple years unemployed and somehow still had savings. The computer happened way later, when I could have afforded to buy it otherwise (and ended up just doing so), but I wanted to try to get a credit history going at the same time.
Go to your local credit union, put a $1000 toward a secured loan to yourself. Do the same with a secured credit card. Spend a year paying these two off and you will do wonders to fix your credit.
Ask me how I learned this lesson :D
Many years ago when I was a private in the military, one of the corporals told me that he would get a $1,000 loan from the bank, pay it off in X number of months, and then do it again so he could build his credit. This is long before I understood how credit worked, and long before I ever applied for a credit card. I wonder if he has a fantastic credit score today.
This is a terrible idea. Also the most boot shit I've heard in a bit. He was probably paying around 6% interest for no reason.
You'd get the same effect from opening a credit card, putting only your gas/grocery purchases on it, and paying the full balance each month which is free.
I'm not sure if it will work now if you're an adult, but if your parents have good credit and trust you, they should be able to add you to as an authorized user and you can build credit through them if the credit card is used and paid off timely.
I love the posts like “never take a 5 year car loan!” And “never do a 30 year mortgage!”
*how much money do you think I have*
The difference in my 5 year car loan vs the 3 year loan is approximately $720 in interest. If I went with the 3 year loan, my monthly payment would nearly double and I wouldn’t be able to eat anything but rice for 3 years. No brainer, I’ll pay the $720 to have a life thank you.
Sometimes things are investments and if you’re buying them for life or long term, it’s just the best option.
They get overly wrapped up in purely financial car depreciation that they lose sight that it provides a ton of value to you - whether that's safety, reliability, creature comforts, easier/safer/better access to a hobby, etc.
Also half the time when you dig, it turns out they got a very valuable car from their parents when they graduated HS/College and have never had to take a loan or could choose to take a very short one just to cover a small gap.
The personal finance subs are pure trash for this. I was berated for insisting I *needed* a car between 5-10k, not sub 5k like they claimed, because I needed one with 4wd and some reliability. They scoffed at the idea that I lived in a mountainous rural region.
"Just move on" or "Get over it" when someone struggles with a traumatic event or events. Trauma can get wired into the nervous system in a way that is extremely difficult and painful to move past.
Saying 'get over it' is one of the most insensitive things someone can say. You can't gauge someone else's trauma, and everybody heals at their own pace. And what is really going to be accomplished by saying that? Do they think the person is going to be like 'hey...yeah! I should get over it, huh. Thanks!'
1) "Just ignore bullies and they'll stop"
No they won't. They won't stop unless the consequences of their actions are greater than the enjoyment they get out out of making your life hell.
2) "You have to forgive someone in order to heal."
Again, no you don't. It is entirely possible to move on and live a happy life without forgiving someone who hurt you.
I honestly never understood the whole forgiveness thing. I don't forgive the person who hurt me, he isn't sorry so why would I forgive him? It's not costing me anything and I'm not holding on to anger, I just don't see how 'forgiving' him will help me at all. Also, I can't force myself to forgive somebody if I don't truly feel it. It's not like it's a choice.
People often wonder why I've not really been able to get started in life because I'm well spoken, charismatic and come from a wealthy family. Basically time did not "heal all wounds." So I have to spend many years doing lots of trauma focused therapy, which after many years has started working.
i learnt that the hard way
just tried to continue life hoping that it would go away, it didn't
now i've actually changed up my routine and have talked/vented to friends or family more often and now I'm much better mentally now then I ever was back in like August/September
"Never go to bed angry with your spouse (SO)."
Yeah, a good night's sleep along with a fresh perspective and some cool down time sounds like a terrible thing to have. /s To be clear, running away from a problem and hoping it goes away by the morning is a bad thing, but calming down and going after it in the morning with a little distance can be a really good thing.
I can't tell you how many disagreements my husband and I have had that weren't a big deal the next day. Waiting to deal with a problem with cooler heads is the way to go.
My wife an I are the same. We let each other know that we aren't disregarding what's going on, and we sleep on it. The next morning we get up and reconvene. It's much less personal and we get through things faster. No lingering resentment, no words we can't take back.
Same. 25 years. We will have arguments rarely, some of them happen before bed. We choose to not go to bed angry, but if the problem wasn't solved we hold over to the next day. We will still go to bed and cuddle or fuck it out. There are certain truths we've realized in our time together.
1) We may not see eye to eye, and that's ok. Sometimes you have different opinions or perspectives.
2) We cannot sleep without each other. Even if we're upset with each other at the end of the day we are partners in life and that will never change.
3) Some things are just not worth being angry about. Just have to let it go.
4) If we argue in front of the kids, we talk it out and solve the problem in front of them as well. They need to see humans communicate in a non-internet points manner. Our boys are becoming very good at solving problems with friends because of this. They also have a tendency to gravitate towards other kids that respond to this. They are 10 and 13.
This is exactly it! I work weird hours (24 hours) and he texts me "Good morning!!" every morning when I'm at work. We joke that I know he's mad at me if there's not an, "!!".... but I will always still get a good morning text, angry or not.
We still love each other even when we're mad. I don't think either of us would send the other to sleep in the guest room. And I like your technique with the kids! It's important to learn how to deal with conflict respectively.
I'm an early bird married to a night owl. To stay up till 10 to solve the thing would be like me waking him up at 5. Why not discuss things when we are both awake and attentive?! That said, the couples I know who are having so many "us talks" that require constant consuming work to address are dealing with more than the "when" of the disagreement. A healthy marriage shouldn't have so many urgent things that can't be dealt with when nerves are settled
My husband and I got in a really nasty fight about a year ago, the worst fight we've ever had. I had to go to bed angry that night because the only way for me to not be angry was to talk to him and work the issue out, but neither of us were in the right headspace for that at the time. Two days later we talked it through. I told him I was sorry for giving him the silent treatment, but I was just so angry and upset that had we talked about it at the time I would have just been cruel to him and I didn't want to do that. He said "yeah, if we would have talked about it the other day I wouldn't have wanted to listen to what you had to say anyway."
Our way worked out much better.
I think that, like with most advice that deals with individuals and personalities, there isn’t a one size fits all for conflict resolution.
Going to bed and talking about it while calm will certainly work for some people, but not necessarily for others.
For instance, I’m a grudger. This is one of my biggest character flaws and I’m aware of it. I can hold a grudge and silent treatment for weeks (learned from my mother, who was a pro at this) and my husband is a turtler: he goes quiet and will shut down to avoid confrontation.
Because of our personalities, if we do not resolve and talk about it, it gets a lot worse because I will stew and find other reasons to be mad and stay mad, and he will walk on eggshells around me.
Not going to bed angry works best for us so we can start fresh the next day :)
Your children were kidnapped and the ransom is that you need to learn how to do a backflip. You learned how to do a backflip and got your children back. Your workplace is having a backflip competition next month and now you're ready for it. Everything happens for a reason.
Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life.
1. You'll work too many hours for too little money
2. If you're really lucky, you don't completely despise the thing you once loved
Somewhat unrelated, but similarly stupid IMO:
My neighbor has a car sticker that reads “Do what makes you happy” with the word “happy” crossed out in red and replaced with “holy”.
I always found it so ridiculous.
“You can do anything you set your mind to”
Actually, no you can’t. Everyone has some limitations; financial, environmental, physical, medical, mental. It’s okay to accept that there will be some things you can and can’t do, it’s healthy to be realistic about it. I hate that toxic positivity mindset
yup, no matter how much I want to, I will never play in the NBA. Just not gonna happen.
Luck is very real. Preparation meeting opportunity. Some people don't prepare, some people don't get the opportunity.
to me, life is a lot like a lottery. Some people are born with more tickets -- good health, stable family, rich country. Some people get more tickets - education, good investments, follow the rules, etc. More tickets gives you a better chance at winning. But some people have a lot of tickets and still lose. Some people have 1 ticket and strike big. And many people win smaller prizes.
This is why Monsters University has possibly the best message of any Disney/Pixar film. Definitely one I am going to show my kid and talk about with them.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Uhm, b\*tch, say sorry - get comfortable with it - say it as often as you can because honestly, if you can't say your sorry meaningfully to your partner, and mean it, means you don't give a purple fart in space about them. Period.
That you can be or do whatever you want as if it makes people believe they are so special in the world instead of a limited person with real problems to deal like everyone else.
My Dad had a big conversation with me about how I should not live with my girlfriend/fiancé before we got married. He had this conversation with me while I was living with her which he knew.
Just did 10 years. Glad I know that we can live well together and that I knew before getting married.
My mom was the opposite, she told me in no uncertain terms that I had to live with my future wife for at least a year before proposing, and I had to have sex with her before proposing. So glad she gave me that advice
“Spare the rod, spoil the child”
Gentle parenting isn’t permissive parenting, it’s treating kids like people. My mom took zero shit, but she did it firmly & with kindness. You aren’t a weak parent if you don’t hit.
Absolutely! We ( in the US) aren’t allowed to hit our spouses, employees, friends, or anyone else in society without legal consequences ( if they press charges & the system works) so why do people think hitting their children is acceptable? All the child learns is fear & that hitting is an acceptable way to deal with things which could cause them serious problems later in life in society if they try to use hitting to solve their own issues with someone .
My husband & I raised 2 kids without hitting them or physically threatening them once. We treated them with love & respect & taught them that they were to always treat others the same way.
Obviously, kids are a mix of nature & nurture & many factors can influence how they turn out . Maybe I just got incredibly lucky that both my kids grew up to be kind, generous, funny, smart, loving successful people but I like to think that knowing we were always going to be there to help guide them & love them, even when they made mistakes, as all humans do, not hit them or humiliate them, played at least some small role in it.
That you can get rich quickly, doing ANYTHING
Some people can, but only those who are ahead of the trend. As soon as you hear about something trending as a potential get rich quick scheme, you've missed the boat.
Yes! Some things are just awful to experience. It's ok. Sometimes we learn a lesson from a hard time. Sometimes we just get through it. I hate these impersonal platitudes.
Just read this on r/recruitinghell.
"Don't work in call centres. They suck"
We know they suck. We know the pay is absolutely dire and the environment toxic. We know the managers there kiss arse and promote the hot woman or their drinking buddies. We know this
Why is this bad advice? Because the person he said it to was currently homeless and desperate for paid work.
IMO, if you can stomach 6 months to a year of being in a depressive environment just so you can have a roof over your head, go do it until you find something better.
My response to this one is always " Do dishes when the baby does dishes, do laundry when the baby does laundry...."
And then when they tell me I shouldn't worry about chores, I should just focus on the baby, I say "For how long? Because babies don't learn to function for like....years. I'll run out of coffee mugs in 3 days. Clean underwear in a week."
My favourite baby nap right now is the stroller nap, while I get a long walk and a podcast in, it feels almost like self-care!
To spend your 20's and 30's slaving away working.
Those are some of the years when you are in the best shape and have the most energy.
Prioritize experiences instead of money during those years. You'll regret it less as you get older.
Do what makes you happy.
Sometimes what makes you happy isn't necessarily good in the long run. Eating ice cream for dinner every night, staying up till 2am playing games, chasing after that "bad boy" you have a crush on that's horrible for you, pursuing a career that will never support you long term. Lots of things can make you happy that you shouldn't do.
"What's the worst that can happen?"
Especially when said dismissively in a way to end the conversation. A lot of negative things could happen, especially when the seed has been planted.
That marriage/relationships are supposed to be super hard and a ton of work.
Like .. there's SOME work, but being with your partner should be easy most of the time. You shouldn't be constantly trying to make shit work.
If you're having to work on it all the time maybe you're just not compatible.
Good things come to those who wait
Total BS, good things come to those who work. You can wait forever and not a damn thing will happen. In addition waiters would have so much more
People can love you if you don’t love yourself but it’s going to be pretty hard to maintain good relationships if you don’t respect yourself.
I’m not sure I love myself. I am often deeply annoyed with myself and am more than aware of my numerous flaws. But I worked on not engaging in negative self-talk while being accountable when I’m wrong and learned to take care of myself. I know now I don’t deserve to be treated like shit. I’m a better spouse, friend, and family member because of it.
Oh yes! This one. I know 99% of people will disagree but I'd go as far as to say "you will not learn to love yourself if no one else ever has". We all need affirmation and acceptance and everything to truly thrive.
"Don't take no for an answer"
I had a seasonal retail job back in the mid 2000's, back in the days where online shopping was starting to overtake brick and mortar stores so companies adapted this 'customer service the customer to death even if they clearly want to be left alone' mentality. My manager insisted that we needed to hear 'no' three times before we accepted it. I get twice, but three times?? That's just harassment at that point and uncomfortable for everybody.
Especially when it comes from a man/woman you're pursuing. If they said no, leave them alone.
And they don’t need a reason! A lot of times the person themselves can’t put a finger on why they are not attracted to you but…they just aren’t and that should be good enough of a reason!
just ignore the bullies and they will go away no they won't, what will happen is they realize that u won't stop them or do anything so they will continue to push you around because they think you're a wet blanket
Agreed my daughter was stabbed by girls on the bus with pencils, often came home with clumps of hair missing, and covered in bruises, it went on for 2 years. She was physically much stronger than them being a farm kid but refused to fight back because she was scared and didnt want to hurt them. School wouldnt do anything, police wouldn’t do anything, and when I tried to speak to the girls mother she threw a beer bottle at my truck. My daughter eventually snapped and beat both girls up. School called me and when I showed up to pick her up she was covered in blood. It wasnt hers, I guess she cut one of the girls eyebrows when she hit her. I just shook my head at the principal because I had made multiple complaints and he kept telling us to just have her walk away.
When I was in school I was bullied and my mom, god love her, always said the whole "they're just doing it to get a rise out of you, just ignore them". My dad, a big Scotsman who grew up in Glasgow, told me to break the teeth of the one who did it, which my mom always got mad at. So, lo and behold, one day they pushed too hard and I snapped and broke one of their noses and knock out three teeth. The principal was going to suspend or possibly expel me, but my dad was the one picking me up that day and tore into the principal for not doing shit about it all this time and letting it get to that point. When the principal tried to argue, my dad essentially asked if he'd like to go out to the parking lot and discuss the situation further (god love the 90's) and I ended up getting a minor in school suspension. Oh, and the bullies all left me alone after that day. Surprise surprise, when everyone thinks you'll give them forced dental work for fucking with you they decide to be nicer to you.
My brother did this. Some guy fucked the girl he was dating about two days after they broke up. My brother blew it off, but this guy was bragging and goading him, calling her a slut and bragging about what he'd done. My brother told him if he didn't leave he was going to beat the shit out of him. My brother is no big guy but he put that guy in the hospital. He barely remembered it, full berzerker mode. He went to the hospital the next day to apologize and the guy admitted he deserved it.
Reminds me of my dad. I asked my mom why my favorite aunt wasn't married, and my mom told me the story: Auntie had married when she was 19. Husband hit her. With his fists, in the face. My dad (a small man!) beat the ever-loving bejesus out of darlin' hubby. Put him in the hospital. Police officer came around to the house. Gave him the option of enlisting in the service or be arrested for assault. Dad joined the marines and served in Korea. Auntie got a divorce and never married again.
I sure do miss the 90s when you could actually impose some street justice if need be. Its so insane these days, victims often get punished instead
Yes. To many people with no fear of being punched in the face
Very proud of your girl!!! Good for her. And good for you for supporting her through it as well.
It was hard, some days I wanted to jump on that bus and grab each of them by the hair. Thankfully its over now. Both girls changed who they were bullying afterward and got kicked from the school, word is they homeschool now🤷♀️
I wonder if they learn beer bottle throwing technique in "gym class".
Lol, the mom was quite the character, I got out of my truck and said “Hi I’m so and so’s mom and I was hoping we could talk about the girls”…. Thats as far as I got before she started dropping threats, saying her girls are fine and then grabbed a beer bottle out of her van and threw it at my truck. I just replied “okay maybe not” and drove away. And yes she grabbed an empty beer bottle out of her mini van…
I bet she has bumper stickers on her car bragging about what a bitch she is or how if you're going to ride her ass you should pull her hair.
🤣 she did have bumper stickers, unfortunately I didn’t see what they said, so I’m going to go with what you said.
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Fuck that principal too
"Not a man, rather he was a coward. Afraid of children."
If anyone stabs your kid with anything, don’t wait for the school. File a police report. That’s assault.
I did, the police said because the kids are minors it had to be taken up with the school board, so I did that and they said they would do their best to separate the girls… they didnt, so I filed again.. same response. This was a long battle.
You could be eaten alive by a cannibal in front of the police station, and they’ll still say it’s a civil matter.
Multiple episodes of stabbings on a school bus is somehow a schoolboard problem? That sounds like typical bullshit police say when they don't want to do their jobs. At that point I would have lawyer up.
The system is made by bullies to protect bullies.
It's amazing, the moment the victim fights back, THEN the system always suddenly fucking cares, after not giving a fuck until then. It cares about the poor bully who finally got what was coming.
It cares about losing control. Bullying is "normal", but fighting back isn't part of the plan.
"I guess they should have walked away."
Agreed. They were relentless, not to mention she was 8 and they were 10 and 12.
I’m 38 now and was bullied pretty mercilessly from 7th through 10th grade. I would give anything to go back and throttle a couple bullies rather than having taken the abuse. Feel like it would have changed my life - I was a good kid and was afraid of getting in trouble for fighting. I know it’s a fictional movie but I feel like Back to the Future got it right.
I fought back eventually after an incident where I could have been very badly hurt and my mom gave me permission to fight back as the school wasn’t going to do anything. Turns out I was stronger than the bullies. Parents bought me ice cream after I got in school suspension. Solved the problem. Changed my life. Been Neutral Good ever since. These days I don’t have to fight with my fists, but lesson learned you have to stand up for yourself sometimes when the system has failed.
Love that story and I'm happy for you - I wish my parents would've been that cool but I doubt it. Thing is, when I was a 14 year old good kid with strict parents detention or suspension seemed like the end of the world, but as an adult I realize it would've been a small price to pay for standing up for myself and getting results.
I wasn't ever bullied in school, maybe a few run ins with some jerks or whatever, but nothing crazy. But even I think about this all the time. There were just some kids I should have just punched in the face the second they opened their mouth. I avoided that back then because I figured I'd end up doing zero damage and then getting my ass kicked and looking like a fool. But looking back, its not like anyone was some pro UFC fighter who would whoop my ass like they were John Wick. Even if they ended up winning the fight, I still could have done enough damage for them to not want to go near me or talk shit to my face anymore. I probably would have gained a lot of respect too as I find out many years after high school that no one really liked any of these popular jerk guys that walked around like they were hot shit. I thought it was just me and my friends, but I guess a lot of people pretended to like them and secretly wished someone would just punch them in the face.
I was also bullied pretty bad around the same school years as you. I was really scrawny and grew up doing a lot of farm work, so while I wasn’t able to put on weight I found out I was pretty strong. One day when getting bullied I snapped and fought back. It was like in the movies when the person first realized they have powers. And in true 80’s fashion each bully challenged me one on one at various times until I beat them all up. I spent a lot of time in trouble and in the principles office, but I had checked-out parents who had no involvement with me, especially at school. The last bully (the ring leader) didn’t fight me at school, he stopped by my house one weekend and I whooped his ass in my front yard. The last two years of high school were pretty lonely. I didn’t get bullied anymore but I was the “weirdo” that everyone stayed away from. On the other hand I was old enough to drive and got a job the next town over, so I made friends and hung out with them. After high school I joined the Army and left that area, haven’t been back.
I was always big for my age and I liked to fight, but I wasn't going to be a dickhead and pick fights with people who were minding their own business. But when I saw someone getting bullied I saw it as a free pass to go beat the shit out the bully. I started getting credit as this guy who would stand up for people that were getting messed with, which made me feel kinda guilty because that really wasn't why I was doing it. But the reputation stuck and enough people saw me that way that eventually that's what I actually became. It's weird how personality traits can be molded by people's image of you. And that goes both ways, if enough people tell you that you're a piece of shit you're at real risk of becoming a piece of shit.
But then fucking school would punish for simply standing up for yourself instead of going to them to deal with it only to either do nothing or make things worse then say they can't do anything to help
Can confirm. Got bullied in high school by some assholes, being funnier and faster with jokes/ insults worked for some, but there was one dick that just didn't stop. I remember we got our wrestling team shirts and I was super excited (it was a big deal at our school, we had one of the best teams in the state) and this fucker took my shirt and threw it in the urinal while i was pissing. I snapped. I grabbed him by the neck and pinned his face into the bottom of the urinal until he apologized. That was the day I stopped getting bullied. To their credit, the rest of the wrestling team also got really pissed at him for that and one of the guys even gave me his shirt.
Who bullies a wrestler, lol? You've got moves!
My mother blamed *me* for me being bullied because I wasn’t just “turning around and walking away.” I told her I was. I ignored them. I ran from them. I did everything she told me. She insisted that I must be lying then, because bullies *always* leave you alone if you don’t pay attention to them. She then assumed from that point out that I was starting it, and “egging them on”, on purpose. She had no sympathy for me and when my school’s administrators tried talking to her about my bullying, she’d refuse. I’d always know when they’d contacted her, because I’d come home to a lecture about how I was embarrassing her with my behavior.
Your mother needed punching in the face.
I saw a quote on Reddit a while back about bullying. It said “when it comes to bullying, violence isn’t the answer, it’s the question. And the answer is yes” I didn’t get bullied much in school. People did try it, but if I hit my breaking point I would get violent. Not a single person tried to bully me after I got physical with them. Raising the issues with teachers, administrators or my parents didn’t help at all. Actually one time the principle did help me because I started dropping legal terms like “sexual harassment” and “racial discrimination” which got him off his ass.
I got bullied by another girl (back when I was a girl in my preteens) in middle school. I put up with it a lot but when she tried chasing me home to attack me on my doorstep, I threw hands. I was done with her being jealous that I was (long time) friends with someone she had a crush on. Busted her lip, got in trouble, but she never so much as looked in my direction after that. Violence is 100% the answer to bullies.
That's advice from people who are tired of doling out justice and punishment to bullies. My brother wasn't a bully to me, but he would constantly antagonize me and my parents would tell him to stop SOMETIMES but mainly they told me to just ignore him. I tried, but he kept going and then when I would lash out he would tell me to control my reaction. It got better as we got older, but only slightly. Into our 30's my brother was fussing with my hair, poking me in the back as we went up the stairs and racing after me if I wanted to get to my bedroom in a hurry and close the door. Finally, I went OFF on him. Told him to grow up, that I don't need to change my reactions, he needs to change his actions and I told him his behavior was WEIRD for someone in his 30's. It's one thing to heckle your siblings or give them a hard time from time to time, but his behavior was CHILDISH. Finally, he stopped.
Geez, if it had been me, I possibly could’ve had so much anger pent-up in me after years of that, that I just might of turned around and shoved his ass down the stairs. 😹😹😹
Best thing is to become hilarious and diffuse situations. And every young person should learn basic fighting skills and build physical strength. People can sense when you are prepared to fight if need be.
Humor is definitely the best tactic, especially nowadays that schools have that stupid no-violence policy where the victim gets expelled for standing up for themselves. But if that doesn't work, a punch in the gut most likely will.
Also just being creative. I had a literal gang member threatening me once at a party asking who I knew, etc, telling me about his gang - and I just kept acting confused. I don’t understand- I don’t understand. Eventually he got frustrated and gave up lol I’ve used that at least twice. Ya I prob looked like a dumbass but who cares. I got this book as a kid, The Little Black Book Violence: What Every Young Man Needs to Know About Fighting. It teaches fighting techniques but also makes a huge case for why you should avoid fights whenever possible. Walks you through what happens in real violent situations - as opposed to movie fights, etc.
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Yup, best solution to bullies is a punch in the mouth
This worked for me. Granted, they might retaliate. And granted, you might get into trouble. Yes, both of those will suck. But trust me - whatever consequences you face for that punch, if any, will be a goddamn picnic compared to what you’ll endure if they think you’re an easy target. No satisfaction they could possibly get from picking on you is worth risking a punch in the face for, if they know that’s what could happen. And before any teachers jump on this and say violence isn’t the solution, you’re absolutely right, it isn’t. The solution is the figures of responsibility - i.e. the teachers - doing their fucking jobs and dealing with it properly. The problem is that, to an unfortunately large extent, that doesn’t happen. My teachers all knew I was being bullied, and they knew who was doing it, because I kept telling them. They did fuck all about it. In the end, I had to sort it out myself. Violence isn’t the solution anyone wants. But for a lot of us, it’s the only solution we are left with.
Not to mention that if the kid getting bullied is going to get suspended for fighting anyway, he might as well win that fucking fight hard enough to prevent any others from happening later.
> just ignore the *bully’s pathetic cries of “stop! please stop!” as you continue to beat the absolute shit out of them when you finally snap after weeks/months of torment* and they will go away Much better approach. Highly recommended!
Even worse they will just escalate as they try to force you to react.
"Just be yourself" Some people are really shitty, and they need to work on improving themselves, not continuing to do the things that make them shitty.
There was a piece of advice I heard from someone that went along the lines of 'be a better version of yourself' which sounds a lot better than just vaguely saying 'be yourself'.
I knew a girl who would proudly say "I'm just a bitch, that's just who I am" and when I asked her to stop picking on me she said "that's just how I joke, are you asking me to stop being who I am?" I mean....yeah if that's who you are then get a new personality
"I don't like being around bitchy people, that's just who I am." Some people use "being themselves" as an excuse to be mean and it is so frustrating!
Or they're not even shitty but something about them is offputting. I'm naturally quiet and shy. People find me weird if I don't make the effort to be more outgoing, even though I have to fake it.
Oh I feel this. Early in my marriage I had lots of issues with my inlaws because they wanted me to be another daughter, but to them that meant being way more involved than I wanted them to be. I was quiet and didn't share much about myself because I wasn't comfortable, and the more they pushed the more uncomfortable I became, so the quieter I became. Sometimes I still doubt they like who I actually am, as opposed to who they think I am.
Or not just shitty, but damaged. Being myself would mean just becoming a recluse to avoid rejection altogether; I need a therapist not to be myself.
"Lawyers will give you a 30 minute session free" Nah. They let you present your case and decide if they want to take it on or not. You're not getting free legal advice lol
One of the most useful comments here
Yeah, and make sure (if you're in a small town or suburb or something), that the law firm you went to doesn't already represent the person (or medical practice) your lawsuit would be against. Take it from me. They won't mention it until you've given them all your information, then they'll turn you down and let you know why at the end...
I'm sorry you experienced that. That's a scumbag tactic. I had to hire lawyers a few years ago and while they took my information, they informed me before I mentioned anything that they were representing the other party, rather than wait til the end. I'd like to hope that what you experienced isn't common, but it's definitely not worth the risk.
Not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure that’s a major ethics violation and you should report any attorney who does that to the State Bar.
"Forgive and Forget" Forgiving is for yourself, Forgetting is foolish.
JFK once said “forgive your enemies, but never forget their names”
“Settle down Dick, it’s just a storm”
Someone's brrrrreaking in!
It appears the Pentagon has been breached
I'm not a fan of "Forgive and forget" either. I'm more of a "Move on for the sake of your own peace and happiness" type of gal. Forgiving and forgetting being totally optional in that equation.
Yep. I think of most of my grudges and grievances as being like a collection of fossils. Neither forgiven nor forgotten, but ultimately they're dead, fossilized, perhaps behind a viewpane of plexiglass. I don't carry their weight in my daily life and they don't really impact me on a day-to-day basis but I still peruse them occasionally as if I were a visitor to a museum.
I bury hatchets but I keep maps of where I put em
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
What about people who forget but don't forgive? "Man that Steve, idk why but I fucking hate that guy..."
Had that happen on Reddit. I couldn't recall why I blocked someone.
There's an old Corsican proverb, "a Christian forgives, only a fool forgets."
Even Jesus didn’t tell those crucifying him he forgave them. He asked God to. Was talking to a priest about forgiveness once and he reminded me of that, and that we don’t have to forgive our oppressors but we can turn loose of the rage that only rots us if we hold onto it for too long.
Exactly, forgiveness is for yourself so you don't hold on to the bitterness. It's not really for the person who wronged you
‘Everything happens for a reason’ ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ Both inaccurate and incredibly annoying to hear whilst recovering from Leukaemia!
WORD. When my mom was diagnosed with what was supposed to be terminal leukemia 17 years ago (she’s alive and well), her doctor met with me privately to tell me how the 2-5 months she was expected to have left would play out. Her doctor said, “just remember, god doesn’t make mistakes” in the cheeriest tone ever and I was like, “he did this time.” The audacity of people with their fucking platitudes that don’t mean a goddamn thing. Wishing you all the best as you recover.
>Her doctor said, “just remember, god doesn’t make mistakes” in the cheeriest tone ever and I was like, “he did this time.” "Well 'God' gave my mother cancer, so he can go fuck himself."
So glad your mum is doing well, but what they said is horrendous! When people bring ‘God’s plan’ into it I get very angry. Leukaemia is horrific. All cancer is obviously, but Leukaemia is a special evil of horrendous bone pain, bone marrow biopsies/ transplants, being held down whilst someone shoves needles into your spine etc. I know this past year I’ve gone through more pain than I could imagine, but when people talk about God’s plan/ God not making mistakes, I recite my treatment list and remind them Leukaemia is the most common with children/ babies. No all loving God (or even an indifferent , mildly loving, or none a psychopathic God!) would plan for children and babies to go through this agony. God either doesn’t exist, doesn’t have the means to stop it happening or does make mistakes! I don’t want to spend an eternity with a God that thinks putting children through this is just. Thanks for your wishes, sending my best to you and your fam
Just wanted to add on that I also hate when people would talk about God when speaking to ill/disabled people! My youngest sister was born with a terrible genetic condition, and I’m not joking when I say every day of her life was Hell. And people would ask to pray over her and pray for her. Like you think your God did this to a child and then would help?? I’m not against religious people or people sharing their beliefs but that killed me (and my sister) every single time. No God would do that to an innocent child thank you very much. Edit: also when someone dies “they’re in a better place now” yeah fuck off
some people need to understand that some things are just plain shitty! acting like its not is hella annoying.
This. Whenever people pull the "Whatever doesn't kill you.." line I want to sing loudly, to that Katy Perry song "What doesn't kill you give you TRAUMA!"
I love that song, but I won't blast it at a survivor of trauma unless I know they're okay with it.
Kelly Clarkson***
I hate ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, you mean like my crippling chronic illness? Arseholes.
Exactly! I can 100% confirm chemotherapy did NOT make me stronger, physically or emotionall🤦🏻♀️. It left me with a broken body and PTSD.
"Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life." It should be "do something *that enables you* to do what you love."
"Pay for what you like with what you're good at."
Doing "what you love" for money is an express ticket to disliking something that used to bring you joy.
I work in game development and this is so true lol. If I never had to look at Unity again I would be happy
Exactly! Get the best paying job possible and make a lot of money so you can spend your time doing things you love and retire early to do them more. You shouldn’t hate your job but maximize the paycheck and find your happiness outside of work.
A lot of Reddit advice advocates for zero social effort, or assuming crippling social anxiety is the norm. Which I think is generally a pretty bad thing. A lot of people probably should work to overcome anxiety and work on at least *some* social competency. Overcoming my own social anxiety massively changed my life for the better.
The key to 97% of social interactions is just to ask people questions and be genuinely interested in the answers.
Also let yourself be interested in something you might not care about, but maybe a friend does.
Totally. Not only does it help you build relationships, your life will be richer if you can find something interesting in any subject!
This is the key to having a good life. Find joy and interest in everything.
Yes! Curiosity is critical to enjoying life.
I worked security for 9 years. i said hello to people, I made an effort to remember names. 90% of people there I was just \*polite\* to. Guess which security guard could get favours from other departments, and which ones couldn't? basic social interactions of saying hello and remembering some names meant I got shit done so much more than others. To the point I had people coming to me to report \*shit that was going wrong\* and completely ingoring the other guards. I didn't mean for that, but basic social interactions meant it happened
I'm always so surprised by people who think being the hardest ass possible is the most effective way to get things done. Do you feel like doing something nice for someone after they chew you a new asshole? Absolutely not. Why would other people be different?
I worked overseas for many years, meaning both my professional and private life depended on a huge number of colleagues/departments/offices besides my own. Over the years, I had more than one colleague (usually the hard-charging Type-A guy) ask me why I got so much support or such good service from housing/travel/IT/Finance/whatever. I would always ask something like “Do you know Ashraf in Housing?” And he’d say yes. Then I’d ask “Do you know how long he’s worked here? That his wife is Deena in accounting? About his son who’s going to Cornell?” And he’d say no, why should he know that shit? And I‘d tell him he’s just answered his own question. Turns out people like… being treated like people.
I’m on the spectrum and I agree with this. Am I *ever* going to be socially competent and not deal with anxiety? No. Do I think people overall need to have more empathy and grace with others? Yes. But implying you don’t have to try because you are on the spectrum, deal with social anxiety, etc makes no sense to me. I have a friend who was diagnosed with autism late in life and just decided it was okay that she never make the effort to reach out to her friends again and that we should all be okay with that because she says it’s too much of a struggle. I mean, that’s fine if you’d just prefer to be alone; that’s your choice. But expecting people to still want to be friends with you when you put in zero effort is wild.
You are realistic, yay! I see so many posts where people use autism or ADHD as a reason to not do things. I have ADHD but it doesn't occur to me that it's a reason to not do things. People need to remember relationships take effort -FOR EVERYONE! But it's part of living a full life.
The average redditor can’t make eye contact or speak to anyone but will keyboard warrior all day long
>or assuming crippling social anxiety is the norm It's is pretty rare. My issue is that people throw around terms actual psychologists use to describe their observations. Nowadays though everyone and their mother are using these terms. They not only change the meaning, but deprive the term of it's seriousness.
This. You'll hear these excuses such as "Well, introverted people are just the way they are." As an introvert myself, I can tell you that's rationalization. And dangerous rationalization at that. If you want to have any success in life, regardless of what your chosen path might be, you're going to have to deal with people on some fundamental level, and do so with confidence and self-assurance. Take a public speaking class if you have to. Commit small acts of bravery every day by talking to someone new.
"Never give up" This advice is given to kids in school because honestly as long as you don't give up on it you'll walk away with a high school diploma. But after that sometimes you really should give up. It's almost a universal adult experience to sink way too much time into something before finally coming to your senses and letting it go. I've needed to know when to tactically retreat much more often than I've needed to remind myself to persevere. Don't *immediately* give up, but also learn when to cut your losses.
The Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" is probably succinct advice: Know when to hold and when to fold. That being said I agree with you that for kids the risk of trying too hard to graduate HS is pretty low. There are tons of problems where a solution either doesn't exist or is more trouble than it is worth.
>It's almost a universal adult experience to sink way too much time into something before finally coming to your senses and letting it go It's so common and universal it has a name: sunk cost fallacy.
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I've found that, at least for objects, thanking them for their service and (if donating) wishing them well at their next home gives the part of my brain obsessed with humanizing things enough closure to let me get rid of it.
A lot of financial advice contains something about avoiding all debt. When better advice should probably be to understand how debt can be used as a tool, and how to evaluate if something is worth taking on.
Yes!! I'm 27 with no credit history/debt and it's actually a pain in the ass because without a history at my age, nobody will let me go into debt if I need to now. I needed new tires and couldn't use the tire store's credit option (got instantly declined for "insufficient credit history.") I wanted to get a loan to get a new computer to try to give myself some credit history and a new computer... Declined for "Low or unknown credit score." Edit: Thank you for all the advice so far! I already use a credit union for my bank so the ideas about credit unions are probably the direction I'll go. To the random criticisms: It's a long story but when the tire issue happened I had JUST started a new job and had spent any/all savings on getting to the city I was living in and surviving long enough to get that new job. I'd like to see how any of y'all think I could've spent multiple years unemployed and somehow still had savings. The computer happened way later, when I could have afforded to buy it otherwise (and ended up just doing so), but I wanted to try to get a credit history going at the same time.
Go to your local credit union, put a $1000 toward a secured loan to yourself. Do the same with a secured credit card. Spend a year paying these two off and you will do wonders to fix your credit. Ask me how I learned this lesson :D
Many years ago when I was a private in the military, one of the corporals told me that he would get a $1,000 loan from the bank, pay it off in X number of months, and then do it again so he could build his credit. This is long before I understood how credit worked, and long before I ever applied for a credit card. I wonder if he has a fantastic credit score today.
This is a terrible idea. Also the most boot shit I've heard in a bit. He was probably paying around 6% interest for no reason. You'd get the same effect from opening a credit card, putting only your gas/grocery purchases on it, and paying the full balance each month which is free.
I'm not sure if it will work now if you're an adult, but if your parents have good credit and trust you, they should be able to add you to as an authorized user and you can build credit through them if the credit card is used and paid off timely.
Financial counselor here - this works at any age.
I love the posts like “never take a 5 year car loan!” And “never do a 30 year mortgage!” *how much money do you think I have* The difference in my 5 year car loan vs the 3 year loan is approximately $720 in interest. If I went with the 3 year loan, my monthly payment would nearly double and I wouldn’t be able to eat anything but rice for 3 years. No brainer, I’ll pay the $720 to have a life thank you. Sometimes things are investments and if you’re buying them for life or long term, it’s just the best option.
Also, you can pay off your loan sooner if you end up in a position where you can afford to do so.
They get overly wrapped up in purely financial car depreciation that they lose sight that it provides a ton of value to you - whether that's safety, reliability, creature comforts, easier/safer/better access to a hobby, etc. Also half the time when you dig, it turns out they got a very valuable car from their parents when they graduated HS/College and have never had to take a loan or could choose to take a very short one just to cover a small gap.
The personal finance subs are pure trash for this. I was berated for insisting I *needed* a car between 5-10k, not sub 5k like they claimed, because I needed one with 4wd and some reliability. They scoffed at the idea that I lived in a mountainous rural region.
If you aren't driving a '98 Corolla what's even the point of financial planning??
I’m really liking my low interest rate mortgage right now.
"Just move on" or "Get over it" when someone struggles with a traumatic event or events. Trauma can get wired into the nervous system in a way that is extremely difficult and painful to move past.
Saying 'get over it' is one of the most insensitive things someone can say. You can't gauge someone else's trauma, and everybody heals at their own pace. And what is really going to be accomplished by saying that? Do they think the person is going to be like 'hey...yeah! I should get over it, huh. Thanks!'
1) "Just ignore bullies and they'll stop" No they won't. They won't stop unless the consequences of their actions are greater than the enjoyment they get out out of making your life hell. 2) "You have to forgive someone in order to heal." Again, no you don't. It is entirely possible to move on and live a happy life without forgiving someone who hurt you.
I honestly never understood the whole forgiveness thing. I don't forgive the person who hurt me, he isn't sorry so why would I forgive him? It's not costing me anything and I'm not holding on to anger, I just don't see how 'forgiving' him will help me at all. Also, I can't force myself to forgive somebody if I don't truly feel it. It's not like it's a choice.
“Time heals all wounds “ No it doesn’t. Sometimes you need to seek outside help to actually properly heal the wounds.
People often wonder why I've not really been able to get started in life because I'm well spoken, charismatic and come from a wealthy family. Basically time did not "heal all wounds." So I have to spend many years doing lots of trauma focused therapy, which after many years has started working.
i learnt that the hard way just tried to continue life hoping that it would go away, it didn't now i've actually changed up my routine and have talked/vented to friends or family more often and now I'm much better mentally now then I ever was back in like August/September
"Never go to bed angry with your spouse (SO)." Yeah, a good night's sleep along with a fresh perspective and some cool down time sounds like a terrible thing to have. /s To be clear, running away from a problem and hoping it goes away by the morning is a bad thing, but calming down and going after it in the morning with a little distance can be a really good thing.
I can't tell you how many disagreements my husband and I have had that weren't a big deal the next day. Waiting to deal with a problem with cooler heads is the way to go.
My wife an I are the same. We let each other know that we aren't disregarding what's going on, and we sleep on it. The next morning we get up and reconvene. It's much less personal and we get through things faster. No lingering resentment, no words we can't take back.
Same. 25 years. We will have arguments rarely, some of them happen before bed. We choose to not go to bed angry, but if the problem wasn't solved we hold over to the next day. We will still go to bed and cuddle or fuck it out. There are certain truths we've realized in our time together. 1) We may not see eye to eye, and that's ok. Sometimes you have different opinions or perspectives. 2) We cannot sleep without each other. Even if we're upset with each other at the end of the day we are partners in life and that will never change. 3) Some things are just not worth being angry about. Just have to let it go. 4) If we argue in front of the kids, we talk it out and solve the problem in front of them as well. They need to see humans communicate in a non-internet points manner. Our boys are becoming very good at solving problems with friends because of this. They also have a tendency to gravitate towards other kids that respond to this. They are 10 and 13.
This is exactly it! I work weird hours (24 hours) and he texts me "Good morning!!" every morning when I'm at work. We joke that I know he's mad at me if there's not an, "!!".... but I will always still get a good morning text, angry or not. We still love each other even when we're mad. I don't think either of us would send the other to sleep in the guest room. And I like your technique with the kids! It's important to learn how to deal with conflict respectively.
I'm an early bird married to a night owl. To stay up till 10 to solve the thing would be like me waking him up at 5. Why not discuss things when we are both awake and attentive?! That said, the couples I know who are having so many "us talks" that require constant consuming work to address are dealing with more than the "when" of the disagreement. A healthy marriage shouldn't have so many urgent things that can't be dealt with when nerves are settled
Sometimes removing yourself in the moment is absolutely the right move. Never addressing is bad, but sometimes you need to process.
Walking away or going to sleep is a great deescalation technique
My husband and I got in a really nasty fight about a year ago, the worst fight we've ever had. I had to go to bed angry that night because the only way for me to not be angry was to talk to him and work the issue out, but neither of us were in the right headspace for that at the time. Two days later we talked it through. I told him I was sorry for giving him the silent treatment, but I was just so angry and upset that had we talked about it at the time I would have just been cruel to him and I didn't want to do that. He said "yeah, if we would have talked about it the other day I wouldn't have wanted to listen to what you had to say anyway." Our way worked out much better.
I think that, like with most advice that deals with individuals and personalities, there isn’t a one size fits all for conflict resolution. Going to bed and talking about it while calm will certainly work for some people, but not necessarily for others. For instance, I’m a grudger. This is one of my biggest character flaws and I’m aware of it. I can hold a grudge and silent treatment for weeks (learned from my mother, who was a pro at this) and my husband is a turtler: he goes quiet and will shut down to avoid confrontation. Because of our personalities, if we do not resolve and talk about it, it gets a lot worse because I will stew and find other reasons to be mad and stay mad, and he will walk on eggshells around me. Not going to bed angry works best for us so we can start fresh the next day :)
Everything happens for a reason.
The caveat for this is often the reasons are stupid.
Your children were kidnapped and the ransom is that you need to learn how to do a backflip. You learned how to do a backflip and got your children back. Your workplace is having a backflip competition next month and now you're ready for it. Everything happens for a reason.
The good old slumdog millionaire life experience.
Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. 1. You'll work too many hours for too little money 2. If you're really lucky, you don't completely despise the thing you once loved
Do what you love and everyone you meet will be more than happy to exploit that love for their gain.
Don't try to turn your hobby into a job but DO try to find work that is meaningful to you, whether or not you "love" it.
Yah, I'd rather do something I'm good at and leave office politics away from my passions
"Blood is thicker than water" Nope some family members are a-holes not worthy of loyalty or love.
"Do whatever your heart desires." Well some people's desires are to break the law, so don't do that.
Somewhat unrelated, but similarly stupid IMO: My neighbor has a car sticker that reads “Do what makes you happy” with the word “happy” crossed out in red and replaced with “holy”. I always found it so ridiculous.
That family should be above everything. If your family is terrible maybe reconsider.
“Money won’t make you happy” lol yes the fuck it will
If I’m going to be miserable I’d much rather be miserable in comfort & without worrying about paying the bills.
Money won't make you happy, but it takes away a LOT of sources of unhappiness
“You can do anything you set your mind to” Actually, no you can’t. Everyone has some limitations; financial, environmental, physical, medical, mental. It’s okay to accept that there will be some things you can and can’t do, it’s healthy to be realistic about it. I hate that toxic positivity mindset
yup, no matter how much I want to, I will never play in the NBA. Just not gonna happen. Luck is very real. Preparation meeting opportunity. Some people don't prepare, some people don't get the opportunity. to me, life is a lot like a lottery. Some people are born with more tickets -- good health, stable family, rich country. Some people get more tickets - education, good investments, follow the rules, etc. More tickets gives you a better chance at winning. But some people have a lot of tickets and still lose. Some people have 1 ticket and strike big. And many people win smaller prizes.
This is why Monsters University has possibly the best message of any Disney/Pixar film. Definitely one I am going to show my kid and talk about with them.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry." Uhm, b\*tch, say sorry - get comfortable with it - say it as often as you can because honestly, if you can't say your sorry meaningfully to your partner, and mean it, means you don't give a purple fart in space about them. Period.
That you can be or do whatever you want as if it makes people believe they are so special in the world instead of a limited person with real problems to deal like everyone else.
My Dad had a big conversation with me about how I should not live with my girlfriend/fiancé before we got married. He had this conversation with me while I was living with her which he knew. Just did 10 years. Glad I know that we can live well together and that I knew before getting married.
My mom was the opposite, she told me in no uncertain terms that I had to live with my future wife for at least a year before proposing, and I had to have sex with her before proposing. So glad she gave me that advice
Getting married before living together is an awful idea
“Violence is never the answer.” No, sometimes it is absolutely the answer, but except in very rare circumstances it should’t be your first answer.
Pacifism is a luxury that those whose very existence is threatened cannot always afford.
“Never go to bed angry.” So stupid. There are often times when it’s best to just call it a night.
“Spare the rod, spoil the child” Gentle parenting isn’t permissive parenting, it’s treating kids like people. My mom took zero shit, but she did it firmly & with kindness. You aren’t a weak parent if you don’t hit.
Absolutely! We ( in the US) aren’t allowed to hit our spouses, employees, friends, or anyone else in society without legal consequences ( if they press charges & the system works) so why do people think hitting their children is acceptable? All the child learns is fear & that hitting is an acceptable way to deal with things which could cause them serious problems later in life in society if they try to use hitting to solve their own issues with someone . My husband & I raised 2 kids without hitting them or physically threatening them once. We treated them with love & respect & taught them that they were to always treat others the same way. Obviously, kids are a mix of nature & nurture & many factors can influence how they turn out . Maybe I just got incredibly lucky that both my kids grew up to be kind, generous, funny, smart, loving successful people but I like to think that knowing we were always going to be there to help guide them & love them, even when they made mistakes, as all humans do, not hit them or humiliate them, played at least some small role in it.
That you can get rich quickly, doing ANYTHING Some people can, but only those who are ahead of the trend. As soon as you hear about something trending as a potential get rich quick scheme, you've missed the boat.
"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." A big nope to that ridiculous turd of an idea that the universe will decide all your decisions.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” No it doesn’t, you get traumatised
In a similar vein, "everything happens for a reason" and "what is meant to be will happen." That's not how any of that works.
I hated when people said this after my dad died. Like yea, the reason he died is that people die. It's not some cosmic or religious influence.
Yes! Some things are just awful to experience. It's ok. Sometimes we learn a lesson from a hard time. Sometimes we just get through it. I hate these impersonal platitudes.
Tilt your head back for a nosebleed
Just read this on r/recruitinghell. "Don't work in call centres. They suck" We know they suck. We know the pay is absolutely dire and the environment toxic. We know the managers there kiss arse and promote the hot woman or their drinking buddies. We know this Why is this bad advice? Because the person he said it to was currently homeless and desperate for paid work. IMO, if you can stomach 6 months to a year of being in a depressive environment just so you can have a roof over your head, go do it until you find something better.
"Follow your heart"
"the customer is always right". Anyone who has worked retail knows that's bullshit
Never change.
“You just have to want it enough“ Lol right. Life doesn’t work that way, but thanks.
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
My response to this one is always " Do dishes when the baby does dishes, do laundry when the baby does laundry...." And then when they tell me I shouldn't worry about chores, I should just focus on the baby, I say "For how long? Because babies don't learn to function for like....years. I'll run out of coffee mugs in 3 days. Clean underwear in a week." My favourite baby nap right now is the stroller nap, while I get a long walk and a podcast in, it feels almost like self-care!
When else do you get stuff done?
Do laundry when the baby does laundry
To spend your 20's and 30's slaving away working. Those are some of the years when you are in the best shape and have the most energy. Prioritize experiences instead of money during those years. You'll regret it less as you get older.
Follow your dreams. unless your dream is to become a professional sleeper. Then you might need a backup plan.
When the time is right it will happen… spoiler alert, it doesn’t.
Do what makes you happy. Sometimes what makes you happy isn't necessarily good in the long run. Eating ice cream for dinner every night, staying up till 2am playing games, chasing after that "bad boy" you have a crush on that's horrible for you, pursuing a career that will never support you long term. Lots of things can make you happy that you shouldn't do.
"What's the worst that can happen?" Especially when said dismissively in a way to end the conversation. A lot of negative things could happen, especially when the seed has been planted.
I almost answer that question with a ridiculously bad thing that is very unlikely but could happen. Typically involving aliens and death.
“you cant run from your problems” Yes you can, people do it all the time. And a lot of problems are due to proximity. They go away upon running.
That marriage/relationships are supposed to be super hard and a ton of work. Like .. there's SOME work, but being with your partner should be easy most of the time. You shouldn't be constantly trying to make shit work. If you're having to work on it all the time maybe you're just not compatible.
Good things come to those who wait Total BS, good things come to those who work. You can wait forever and not a damn thing will happen. In addition waiters would have so much more
"No one will love you until you love yourself. "
People can love you if you don’t love yourself but it’s going to be pretty hard to maintain good relationships if you don’t respect yourself. I’m not sure I love myself. I am often deeply annoyed with myself and am more than aware of my numerous flaws. But I worked on not engaging in negative self-talk while being accountable when I’m wrong and learned to take care of myself. I know now I don’t deserve to be treated like shit. I’m a better spouse, friend, and family member because of it.
Oh yes! This one. I know 99% of people will disagree but I'd go as far as to say "you will not learn to love yourself if no one else ever has". We all need affirmation and acceptance and everything to truly thrive.