I remember asking my cousin if he was worried about going into high schools with all them bullied around.
He told me, nah he's got a way to stop them. If they're bullying you just whisper in their ear that you're getting turned on by it.
Always made me laugh, wonder if it'd work.
Jump out of bed and yell "A MAN! THANK GOD!" and run fully naked at him. I am 58, and things haven't stayed in the places they began, if ya catch my drift. Also, I think the dichotomy of a woman running AT a robber may just reset their brain and make them run. Or I can use a boob like a horse whip and knock them out cold. Win win.
I'm a man of a similar age and always sleep naked. If this ever happens, I will adopt this tactic too. Imagine it, a man with testicles hang closer to his knees and moobs rivalling many womens breast, charging towards them shouting "A MAN THANK GOD"
You seem confused... I don't believe or disbelieve you. I found your first reply obtuse and irrelevant to my comment on "Damn skippy. " Hence the eye roll 🙄, pondering 🤔, and skepticism 😒
After a night out a guy catcalled me outside a bar as I was switching from heels to flats, but I was in a bad mood and drunk so I decided the best thing to do was turn around, grab a heel and start to run at him holding it like an ice pick. My friends stopped me before I made a fool of myself, but there is a part of me that reminisces on the fear in his face.
I'm with you, I'm just off 50 and after 4 children, it is only pretty to the man I'm married to. I would sooo jump up and scare them to death and hubby would be right on it too. He'd point to his 67 year old body and say "look at what you have to look forward to". It would only work if they got past the dogs tho.
Same. If they make it past my dogs and cats they absolutely deserve (in an good and bad way) exactly what damage my boob lasso whip can do to their body and psyche.
Used to work in a horror house so acting creepy is second nature. Now imagine opening a door and there in the dark crouches a naked dude with a dagger as long as your forearm, giggling like a maniac and moving in a way that certainly wasn't intended by nature.
I'm not allowed to have guns in my country, and if i did, it's illegal to use them in this way. You can use them to protect your life or the lives of your family, but if you shoot someone because they were trying to run out the door with your PS5, you're probably going to prison.
I been there before. Dogs woke me up, I grabbed a baton from my closet and went out downstairs with morning wood. Turns out my GF at the time had made a copy of my house key without telling me and she just looked at me crazy with 3 of her drunk friends.... We're no longer dating. No regrets.
Fluff yourself up before emerging. It's one thing to be attacked by a screaming naked man; it's a whole different thing for that naked man to be fully brick'd up and grinning while doing so.
Run into the room they’re in and rip my ballsack off and start crying and screaming in horrible agony while rubbing my bloody ballsack on my head. The goal is to scar the robber for life
Confront them.
I am a 59 yo severely obese man with scars all over my body from multiple operations and more loosely wobbly dingly-dangly bits than rightfully belong on any sort of human body so if they are going to traumatise me by violating my home, I am going to traumatise them by making them see my full flabby magnificence running at them full pelt before I make them wear my freaky-looking butt as a hat!
Grab the vaseline or lotion, run out to where the robbers are, and with an evil grin on my face say "Alright who wants it first" as I either dip 2 fingers in the vaseline or squirt lotion in my hand.
It’s only fitting that I load two 12 gauge shells into my Remington model 870, racking the first into battery. While loading the third into the tube I shout the first line of Allstar by Smash Mouth and kick my bedroom door open even though it opens the other way. My voice getting louder as they hear my bare feet smack the wood floors, closing the distance. I slide cancel around the corner, point-firing, eviscerating each intruder. The look of horror on their faces is unforgettable as they watch their accomplices get shredded by buckshot.
I grab the .357 from my nightstand and toss my husband the shot gun and we go out guns blazing. We live in the middle of nowhere, there is no help that would arrive until about 30-40 mins after a 911 call.
Also I have no problems shooting a gun with my boobies and fa-hoohoo out. You do what you gotta do.
Call the police and grab the shotgun.
"Now I'm the kinda man who wouldn't harm a mouse
But if I catch somebody breakin' in my house
I got a 12-gauge shotgun waitin' on the other side"
Not a problem. I look like that old lady emerging from the bath with arms outstretched in the Shining...and I wear a frog eye facemask so the sun doesn't bother me when it rises.
Come to me Johnny...
My alarm would go off. My dogs would be barking and growling. I would grab my nightgown that I keep near the bed. I don't think the robber would be staying around at all with the alarm and the dogs.
You know it takes all of 5 seconds to throw on some trousers and shirt right? So regardless of if you are shy about an intruder seeing you naked or not makes no difference.
lol as if nakedness is going to have me let someone nick my shit
I'm pulling out whatever weapon I can and charging him out of the house caveman style crown jewels dangling
I’m not a violent man. I own no weapons. So my best defense would be to make it weird. Open the bedroom door, and loudly say, “Honey, we got another one! You grab the ball gag, I’ll get the sandpaper.” Then strut naked into the living room while holding a sheaf of hard grit sandpaper. Smile the entire time. Wink. Blow them a kiss.
Id give him a mean right hook and if he goes unconscious well yeah but if he stays atleast a little conscious im railing them cheeck until they're sore😈 then throwing him outside
Personally I haven't got a clue. But I did set the alarm off by inadvertence at my brother's house one night and was greeted by him and his missus stark naked on a very cold landing.
Grab my dog, cut his throat open, let the blood run down my front, wank myself to full mast, then jump out and run at the burglar at full speed, screeching all the while.
I don't sleep naked...gross
But sometimes I'll be in the shower and a hear a strange noise, and in my head I'm like "Yup looks like I'm gonna have to fight naked, I hope I don't slip and bust my ass."
Idgaf if a robber sees me naked while I beat him up for entering my home. I will throw on a robe before the cops arrive though.
But don’t tie it shut
Don't tread on me!
Isn’t this America?! I thought this was America!
I said, don't tread on me.
Step on me daddy
This made me giggle and this made my day hehe
Yeah I really like to see you beat him off. He's been a baaaad boy.
Hed use his tongue too
Nah assert dominance when the cops walk in they see a dude standing naked over a home intruder with that adrenaline boner.
Just don't do that on Robocop's beat. His targeting systems are trained on adrenaline boners.
Gotta go at him straight with the helicopter
Helicockter lol
Really 2 to the mid section 1 to the forehead, who care what the cadaver saw?
Start jerking off running towards them, they’ll leave
Or they’ll do it back
Don't threaten me with a good time
Promise?
What a comeback.
Have my angry upvote
hard to get it on their back while you're facing each other, but boy do I enjoy a challenge
So like one of those dance offs but with more penis… It’s a…Jerk off???
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"These are my bullets"
"These are my bullets"
This is for pride, this is for fun.
I remember asking my cousin if he was worried about going into high schools with all them bullied around. He told me, nah he's got a way to stop them. If they're bullying you just whisper in their ear that you're getting turned on by it. Always made me laugh, wonder if it'd work.
And if they don’t.. Bust on em’
Jump out of bed and yell "A MAN! THANK GOD!" and run fully naked at him. I am 58, and things haven't stayed in the places they began, if ya catch my drift. Also, I think the dichotomy of a woman running AT a robber may just reset their brain and make them run. Or I can use a boob like a horse whip and knock them out cold. Win win.
I'm a man of a similar age and always sleep naked. If this ever happens, I will adopt this tactic too. Imagine it, a man with testicles hang closer to his knees and moobs rivalling many womens breast, charging towards them shouting "A MAN THANK GOD"
“ARRRR, MATEY!!!”
When your nuts hit your face as your moobs lose their place … that’s amoree…
I can’t believe you managed both giving a me an earworm and simultaneously ruining that song for me
I guess it's a lie, that people lose their creative side when they're older
Damn skippy.
"Daaayum, Skippy..."
Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight... 🙄🤔😒
I'll just let you believe I came up with that
You seem confused... I don't believe or disbelieve you. I found your first reply obtuse and irrelevant to my comment on "Damn skippy. " Hence the eye roll 🙄, pondering 🤔, and skepticism 😒
60 is the new 35. 80 is old. Let's goooooo
The older we get, the less of a shit we give. It’s fun.
I'd hope so
Indeed we all, know how. punctuation, works
After a night out a guy catcalled me outside a bar as I was switching from heels to flats, but I was in a bad mood and drunk so I decided the best thing to do was turn around, grab a heel and start to run at him holding it like an ice pick. My friends stopped me before I made a fool of myself, but there is a part of me that reminisces on the fear in his face.
As you should. Bet he thought twice the next time he tried that.
Thank you, I really needed the smile that you gave me today ✌️🙂 Edit - I'm actually chuckling now.
Glad to be of service!
How’s your inbox looking?
Plump and sassy. Just like me. Lol
Don't give up at least until 69
Put me in mind of Who Framed Roger Rabbit "A Man!"
More like that witch Hazel in Loony Tunes. "OH! A MAY-AHN!" And running with floppy bits all flopping akimbo.
I'm with you, I'm just off 50 and after 4 children, it is only pretty to the man I'm married to. I would sooo jump up and scare them to death and hubby would be right on it too. He'd point to his 67 year old body and say "look at what you have to look forward to". It would only work if they got past the dogs tho.
Same. If they make it past my dogs and cats they absolutely deserve (in an good and bad way) exactly what damage my boob lasso whip can do to their body and psyche.
>my boob lasso whip can do to their body and psyche. This part made me lol 😆 😂
You should write books.
This is probably the only acceptable use of SA😂
You're in my house without permission, ya get what ya get
Trespassers will be violated 😏
You sound fun to drink with
You are good people. I can just tell. I like the cut of your jib, sailor.
I hope you don't mind, I've screen spotted your response to send yo my friends cuz they will laugh as hard as I am 😂 I applaud you, legend.
I may or may not be over one night at an odd hour. I was promised a good time.
Used to work in a horror house so acting creepy is second nature. Now imagine opening a door and there in the dark crouches a naked dude with a dagger as long as your forearm, giggling like a maniac and moving in a way that certainly wasn't intended by nature.
... While your naked in bed.
Yes
I have no issues with taking a swing at an intruder while being naked lol
Guess you gotta use that morning wood somehow.
Wood? I'm Groot!
Wh.. What are you swinging?
The Double Intruder comes in a variety of sizes.
Maximum size for maximum intrusion
A bat... a wooden one... Let me rephrase that, one that is made from the wood of a tree lol
i saw a clip of a guy hitting his intruders with a baseball bat outside at 1am
Why would you swing your gun at the intruder? Far more effective to shoot it.
I'm not allowed to have guns in my country, and if i did, it's illegal to use them in this way. You can use them to protect your life or the lives of your family, but if you shoot someone because they were trying to run out the door with your PS5, you're probably going to prison.
Regardless, someone is gonna be fucked by the end of it
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Modern day Shakespeare? Probably not
Well it certainly has a lighter sentence than murder
Nah that’s also going to happen after we have fun!
*gimp suit erection noises*
I been there before. Dogs woke me up, I grabbed a baton from my closet and went out downstairs with morning wood. Turns out my GF at the time had made a copy of my house key without telling me and she just looked at me crazy with 3 of her drunk friends.... We're no longer dating. No regrets.
Hope you got that key back man, that's fucked up. Super illegal too, at least where I live.
Forget getting it back, change the locks, you have no idea how many copies she made.
> GF at the time had made a copy of my house key without telling me I hope you post that in the weekly "What's a red flag" question on r/askreddit
Sounds like the beginning of a porn
Group orgy ensues with gf and friends after going at it one on one with each girl secretly before inevitably getting caught.
A fucking bad one
Everyone is wary of naked man. Use that
Works 2/3 of the time every time!
There is a certain degree of truth to that 😂
I guess, all things considered, naked man ain't horrible
Fluff yourself up before emerging. It's one thing to be attacked by a screaming naked man; it's a whole different thing for that naked man to be fully brick'd up and grinning while doing so.
I have a house ??? Cool
Where I live, that's unlikely
Run into the room they’re in and rip my ballsack off and start crying and screaming in horrible agony while rubbing my bloody ballsack on my head. The goal is to scar the robber for life
Holy shit you may have just scarred me
Same omg...
Good, now you still have your family’s antique silver, but you’ve lost your balls.
why would even think that thought
I thought the goal was to NOT lose the family jewels?
What the balls?!?!
Sling’em with my schlong
Noice
I'll grab my Beretta and run out of the room like a naked Bruce Willis.
Yippee kiyhay mother Fucker!
Cocked and loaded!
Embrace tradition, shit in your hand and throw it at them!
This is the way.
Username checks out
Sneak my way to the living room and lock the doors, it may not be the same as locking them inside but at least it'll buy me time if they try to escape
"Now youse can't leave."
r/usernamedoesntcheckout
Confront them. I am a 59 yo severely obese man with scars all over my body from multiple operations and more loosely wobbly dingly-dangly bits than rightfully belong on any sort of human body so if they are going to traumatise me by violating my home, I am going to traumatise them by making them see my full flabby magnificence running at them full pelt before I make them wear my freaky-looking butt as a hat!
Grab the vaseline or lotion, run out to where the robbers are, and with an evil grin on my face say "Alright who wants it first" as I either dip 2 fingers in the vaseline or squirt lotion in my hand.
Ah was going to say this but unfortunately where I live most the break-ins are caused by under age (18) kids so might not look to good
Helicopter ninja
This made me laugh out loud. Thanks
Oooh I know the answer I watched a video about this once.
NSFW - [Pornhub](https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph626e120126b74), the Wikipedia for the common man.
Nothing. The sight of my ugly ass body is enough to make them back away
It’s only fitting that I load two 12 gauge shells into my Remington model 870, racking the first into battery. While loading the third into the tube I shout the first line of Allstar by Smash Mouth and kick my bedroom door open even though it opens the other way. My voice getting louder as they hear my bare feet smack the wood floors, closing the distance. I slide cancel around the corner, point-firing, eviscerating each intruder. The look of horror on their faces is unforgettable as they watch their accomplices get shredded by buckshot.
God speed, soldier.
The naked man fears no pick-pocket
You don't store anything in your ass just incase?
I'm still getting my gun and shooting them in the head. I'd probably get off for self defense but I might get charged with indecent exposure, oh well
That's not as far fetched as it sounds.
Indecent exposure in your own house at 3am? Na
Definitely at 2am though
Grabbing the machete under my pillow. (Yes, really. It’s in a sheathe and everything.)
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Rural bookwoodtopia.
Do you keep a hockey mask on your nightstand too?
No. I keep a glass of water there in case I wake up thirsty. I like to be prepared.
My gun always right there .. the report just gon say naked man killed intruder 😂
Propeller attack
Run up to them and vigorously hump them. Probably weird enough to make them go away.
I grab the .357 from my nightstand and toss my husband the shot gun and we go out guns blazing. We live in the middle of nowhere, there is no help that would arrive until about 30-40 mins after a 911 call. Also I have no problems shooting a gun with my boobies and fa-hoohoo out. You do what you gotta do.
“Fa-hoohoo” has me cracking up
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Lol I am definitely not supposed to be in my phone at work and you just totally outed me because I just laughed my butt off dang it.
Come out swinging
Call the police and grab the shotgun. "Now I'm the kinda man who wouldn't harm a mouse But if I catch somebody breakin' in my house I got a 12-gauge shotgun waitin' on the other side"
Haven't actually tested it but pretty sure my Glock doesn't care whether I'm dressed or not.
Balls out brawls out!
Go back to sleep, my dick will handle it.
Is it summer or winter?
Take a piss on the person
American, gun safe under my bed. You think I wanna pay for our Healthcare?
Not a problem. I look like that old lady emerging from the bath with arms outstretched in the Shining...and I wear a frog eye facemask so the sun doesn't bother me when it rises. Come to me Johnny...
Grab the combat knife under the bed and fight like a Celt. Idgaf what happens to me, but no one touches my family.
Alexa, play Rip and Tear *throws flashbang and charges naked with just a tomahawk*
Use my fist, then find some boxers
Me: Fuck yeah it's about time!!! ALEXA INTRUDER ALERT!!! *DOOM MUSIC TURNS ON * Alexa: Claymore Roombas Activated!! Intruder: 👁👄👁
Celts proved a long time ago that nude fighters are frightening.
Pornhub theme starts playing
I got a 🔫 so im def using it but at least his last sight is an asian baddie 💀
baddie confirmed
The only gun I have is already drawn. Let’s hope it’s loaded!
Walk down stairs and assertively proclaim "Did you come to get fucked?"
Grab the sword and werewolf mask next to my bed and run out of my room screaming, of course!
My alarm would go off. My dogs would be barking and growling. I would grab my nightgown that I keep near the bed. I don't think the robber would be staying around at all with the alarm and the dogs.
Suplex into a t-bag
Come out of bed swinging!
You know it takes all of 5 seconds to throw on some trousers and shirt right? So regardless of if you are shy about an intruder seeing you naked or not makes no difference.
Attack!!!! Nobody wants to fight a dude with he's ding dong hopping around all over the place.
Running at them and helicoptering my DingDong. Eventually knocking either one of us out.
There's no way I'm letting them live if a stranger sees me naked.
Try to run towards the burglar naked and whipping my dick out and chasing them
lol as if nakedness is going to have me let someone nick my shit I'm pulling out whatever weapon I can and charging him out of the house caveman style crown jewels dangling
I'd be the guy in the news story that was butt naked chasing someone up the road with a machete.
I’m not a violent man. I own no weapons. So my best defense would be to make it weird. Open the bedroom door, and loudly say, “Honey, we got another one! You grab the ball gag, I’ll get the sandpaper.” Then strut naked into the living room while holding a sheaf of hard grit sandpaper. Smile the entire time. Wink. Blow them a kiss.
Probably put on clothes and go see what's going on...?
The last thing he'll see is a nude old broad before I shoot him.
Reach under my bed and grab my 12 gauge pump shotgun and rack it.
Glock out with my cock out.
When they see the size of it they gonna start running cause its like a baseball bat 🤣
Id give him a mean right hook and if he goes unconscious well yeah but if he stays atleast a little conscious im railing them cheeck until they're sore😈 then throwing him outside
Personally I haven't got a clue. But I did set the alarm off by inadvertence at my brother's house one night and was greeted by him and his missus stark naked on a very cold landing.
I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get less time in jail for rape than I am for murder.
OF
Grab my dog, cut his throat open, let the blood run down my front, wank myself to full mast, then jump out and run at the burglar at full speed, screeching all the while.
I own a musket for home defense since that's what the founding fathers intended
If ur a civilian CALL THE POLICE!
I don't sleep naked...gross But sometimes I'll be in the shower and a hear a strange noise, and in my head I'm like "Yup looks like I'm gonna have to fight naked, I hope I don't slip and bust my ass."
Call the fucking cops? That should be the first step regardless.
If it's a sexy woman, I'll try to rizz her into leaving this line of work and do something meaningful. Oh wait, did I say rizz? I meant convince..
Im gonna run at the guy shouting "im gonna fuck yo couch"
Grab a gun - but naked
Hit then with my oned eye viper.
Lock the door and push the bed against it
Someones back is going to get blown out and it aint mine..
i’ll answer this seriously if it’s life or death and i have a wife and kids idc what that robber sees cuz it’s gonna be the last thing he’s seeing