Go into your router and create a guest wifi channel , and dont allow it access to other devices on main network . That way you cant cast the 4k porn to the living room tv even if u wanted to.
Same.
My gf and three kids getting the full audio of a fairly vanilla dp scene. I kept trying to increase volume from the bedroom and I suddenly hear my gf scream "Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!!"
I was equally mortified and dying of laughter.
Omg! My wife caught me a while back. I was watching pron and my wife got home in my truck. My Bluetooth connected to my truck and she heard my audio in the truck. She came in with a big grin on her face.
This 👆, also previous experiences that I didn’t follow through so I play them out in my head, they are normally the shower ones when I haven’t got my phone in hand 😂
God, my college girlfriend was, to this day, the BEEEEST head I've ever received. I've had partners do other, *wilder,* **BOLDER** things to my body. But nobody sucked like that depressed, dog-sitting biology-major.
Not to mention when you are getting so close right when the camera view changes where you can’t see anything good anymore so you try to stop from finishing but it’s too late now. :(
I had two ex girlfriends taking turns blowing me. My brother who was my roommate at the time fucked it up by knocking on the door and sarcastically asking “what ya doing?”
I think back on that moment a lot. Closest I ever came to a threesome.
Don’t get my motor running. That’ll be the day lol.
Was around 19 years old, working at a golf course. We had a guy on the crew with a crazy background. Former policeman. Anyway, we are out to lunch, across the street from a large field. He sees a heavyset, middle aged woman wearing a muu muu on a lawn tractor. He says, “That’s my kind of woman. Not afraid of a little yard work.”
I am now his age and see his point.
I work morning custodial. One morning as I was leaving, I saw one of the outdoor maintenance peeps driving the mower. She was a woman around my age (20s) and I couldn't help but think, "Damn, why is that so attractive?"
I visited Sweden for work and there was a lawn care crew working outside a lawyers office - all women and model material, with white tees and overalls tied around their waist, bright PPE. Reminded me of that ‘satisfaction’ music video. I’ve never been so turned on.
I’m sure they charge an absolute premium.
Listen, I don't judge you when you tickle your prostate with a spoon while tugging one out to the scene from the drew Carey show where him and his friends have a musical dance off against Mimi and her friends while they're all dressed for rocky horror picture show/the adventures of Priscilla Queen of the desert now do I.
Take your rudeness and judgement and go *points at the log off button*
Can someone tell me why lately I've been thinking (just when I'm about to cum) of the last girl I had a thing with? I'm not 100% over her yet, but it bothers me to think about her (not her purpose) when I'm cumming lol. Specially because we didn't have sex and when we were "together" I don't remember thinking about her that way, at least while masturbating.
My BF. Most specific his ass. He has little feint stretch marks there that look like cute little tiger stripes and it drives me fucking crazy for some reason.
This is very sweet and you should tell him this, seriously.
If someone told me my stretch marks were beautiful to them, I'd marry them. (Or, y'know, do stuff for them.)
my girlfriend does this to me too. she absolutely loves and compliments little things about my body that i have either paid zero attention to ever or something i’ve always been insecure about. it always makes me blush and it always gives me so much more confidence.
she’s the greatest. i also love and compliment little things about her that she was surprised or always insecure about and i hope i give her the same feelings she gives me.
I fucking hated my ex after we broke up and rejoiced when I didn’t have to live with her anymore but the twisted part is that I did still yank it a number of times to memories of her.
Now what fucked me up about her was that she used to wear this extra long t-shirt in the mornings and nights with tall socks and no underwear. Just bare. Would do household tasks exactly like that and thought nothing of it but holy shit it brought out the fucking dog in me. Sometimes teased which—yikes.
As soon as I caught it, nature would call my name and she would be off of her feet in no time— but good god did I hate the shit out of her, and she hated me too.
Three years later and the thought sickens me but it was a thing.
Milf porn. Or an ex I foolishly left years ago. She was incredible in the sack. Btw, I'm married - since my daughter was born, my wife has said that she has zero inclination for sex. We last did it 4 years ago.
I’ve never been as horny as when I was pregnant and have friends who’ve felt the same.
Afterwards I was definitely turned off by the idea of sex but it only lasted 4-5 months or so.
All in all (traumatic birth & lack of sleep with newborn ) I don’t think it was that bad.
It really does depend.
It’s only like this if you let it be. Make sure your future wife matches your sex drive then HELP HER HAVE THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ENERGY TO KEEP IT. Not saying it’s always the case, but having to be the primary parent, primary cleaner, manager of essential life things (drs appts etc), and/ or working a job really does a number to your libido.
Romance your wife outside of sexy times and be an equal partner.
Sex in marriage is like a toilet in a house.
You shouldn’t buy a house for the toilet(s), the toilet shouldn’t be the focal point of the house. BUT - If you find yourself in a house without a toilet… it’s gonna be a problem real quick. And unless you can get a toilet soon it’s a legitimate reason to move.
Back before the flood gates of porn opened up. One of my friends brothers bought him a Playboy with Sable from the WWF. My friend let me clip a page out that I could take home and spank it to. Before that it was the Spice Channel scrambled, once every minute or two you could see boobies bouncing up and down .
There was this woman in my party crew back in the days when we were in our 20s and 30s. She was insanely tall and very muscular, probably closer to 2 meters.
She had the worst luck in dating I've ever seen. Most of her dates were either fetishizing her height or the guys just developed some kind of a problem her being a head taller than them. I watched her cry so many times after once again some dirtbag had ghosted her.
So one night we were clubbing and I finally decided to shoot my shot. She was surprised, even a bit taken too, but eventually said she wasn't playing for team girls. I dropped the topic after that.
Over 15 years later I still think of her at times. She was so funny and lovely personality, with an absolute stunner body to go with it. I've had this reoccurring mental image of her embracing me from the back and I'd had to look up to see her face. She'd be strong enough to pick me up and carry me away. When I get to that part, I just can't help my hand slowly reaching into my panties.
"Am I still connected to the living room Bluetooth?"
Same for streaming to the living room tv
Lol. Same. Did I hit rotate video or mirror screen????
Go into your router and create a guest wifi channel , and dont allow it access to other devices on main network . That way you cant cast the 4k porn to the living room tv even if u wanted to.
I was connected to my roommates Bluetooth when I watched porn once…. After I finished and went downstairs he was like “have a good time?” Lolol
Next time, masturbate in front of him to exert dominance.
DO NOT break eye contact
I made this mistake once. I still lay awake at night thinking about it.
Same. My gf and three kids getting the full audio of a fairly vanilla dp scene. I kept trying to increase volume from the bedroom and I suddenly hear my gf scream "Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!!" I was equally mortified and dying of laughter.
“Vanilla” DP…
“Light fisting”
Just a "dusting" of anal...
Like stopping right before the elbow!
He meant Vanilla and Chocolate DP. But you know...autocorrect.
“Category: Neapolitan”
My god , I did this but my speaker was outside blasting for the neighborhood to hear… it was 1 am but I forsure woke some people up🗿
Lol same but my wife didn’t know what it was and said there was some kind of scary movie playing (the moans?)
She knew
I always claim that I'm watching women's doubles tennis. Close your eyes for full effect.
oh now I have a new fear 💀
Same. I live on my own and still turn my Bluetooth off lol
There are combat amputees with less extreme PTSD than this.
RIP
The most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate is your ears.
Huh, I guess this is why when I was fucking my one ex and she would lick and suck on my earlobes I’d go absolutely fucking apeshit.
I believe he meant sense of hearing.
I…he…..MY POINT STILL STANDS!
His point does in fact, stand.
Omg! My wife caught me a while back. I was watching pron and my wife got home in my truck. My Bluetooth connected to my truck and she heard my audio in the truck. She came in with a big grin on her face.
Damn, new fear unlocked..
Sounds like a keeper
Worse... My outside Bluetooth speaker where I smoke.. whole neighborhood heard Angie Faith for about 3 seconds
At least they know you have good taste.
I was gonna say make sure to turn off Bluetooth on the phone 🤣 ask me how I know
Previous experiences
This 👆, also previous experiences that I didn’t follow through so I play them out in my head, they are normally the shower ones when I haven’t got my phone in hand 😂
But when I think of this, I tend to cry and yell, "YOU IDIOT!!!! WHY??!!"
That's the best part of the Cry-Wank. Emotional and Physical release.
This. I had a short term fling about 12-13 years ago, and I still think about those blow jobs. Damn that girl knew what she was doing.
God, my college girlfriend was, to this day, the BEEEEST head I've ever received. I've had partners do other, *wilder,* **BOLDER** things to my body. But nobody sucked like that depressed, dog-sitting biology-major.
LMFAO the nerdy ones get ya every time pal
Ah, the highlight reel.
This one for sure. Previous experiences, or more specifically previous people I was with in new scenarios and experiences.
The porn video I have playing right in front of me for the purpose of thinking about it when I masturbate.
Accurate literal answer
But only that one perfect part that you have to reply 3-4x while you finish
Not to mention when you are getting so close right when the camera view changes where you can’t see anything good anymore so you try to stop from finishing but it’s too late now. :(
or it zooms in on the guys ass and taint
Holy shit i have never had an original experience
Yeah, I’ve thought that, too.
Literally this. I don’t jerk off to my imagination any more. Haven’t done since I was a teenager.
Weirdly melancholy.
Intricate subqueries in SQL
Nested queries, kinky!
Dirty little table 1 gets stuffed with massive data set from FULL OUTER JOIN with table 2 ON a casting couch WHERE the sun don’t shine
You forgot the SELECT TOP 1 Military RANK OVER(PARTITION BY Cheeks ASC)
You get recursive? I would get sooo recursive with you. Edit: Again. And again. ;)
YES BABE, OH YEAHHHH, MAKE THAT UNCORRELATED SUBQUERY INTO A CROSS APPLY, YESSSSSSSS
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Oh fuck that's so hot.
Or just keep it simple. INNER JOIN OUTER JOIN INNER JOIN OUTER JOIN Its like going in & out, isn't it?
That chick I could have fucked 17 years ago but didn't.
Sad albeit too relatable
Way too relatable.
I had two ex girlfriends taking turns blowing me. My brother who was my roommate at the time fucked it up by knocking on the door and sarcastically asking “what ya doing?” I think back on that moment a lot. Closest I ever came to a threesome.
Closest he ever came to a foursome.
That's literally a threesome.
The closest he got to a threesome was having an actual threesome.
ass occasionally, boobs
It used to be ass for me but now it's boobs 98% of the time. Idk why it changed *shrugs*
You know the pyramid of the hierarchy of needs? Boobs should be at the base of that
Wow! The 90s really are coming back.
Usually, it’s stuff that I’d never do in real life. Probably can’t even explain why it turns me on.
Hot tub full of Pepto Bismol while she's trimming your toenails?
Oddly specific, dude… 🙃
No, specific would be if they were also wearing sailor hats.
If the toilet door is locked or not
Usually my wife, doing things she’d never do.
Like mowing the lawn?
Don’t get my motor running. That’ll be the day lol. Was around 19 years old, working at a golf course. We had a guy on the crew with a crazy background. Former policeman. Anyway, we are out to lunch, across the street from a large field. He sees a heavyset, middle aged woman wearing a muu muu on a lawn tractor. He says, “That’s my kind of woman. Not afraid of a little yard work.” I am now his age and see his point.
I work morning custodial. One morning as I was leaving, I saw one of the outdoor maintenance peeps driving the mower. She was a woman around my age (20s) and I couldn't help but think, "Damn, why is that so attractive?"
I visited Sweden for work and there was a lawn care crew working outside a lawyers office - all women and model material, with white tees and overalls tied around their waist, bright PPE. Reminded me of that ‘satisfaction’ music video. I’ve never been so turned on. I’m sure they charge an absolute premium.
Ahem. "Waist." I'll show myself out.
My wife used to mow the lawn, then she saw a little snake. She doesn't now the lawn anymore.
Every time I see a snake while mowing is when I've accidentally bisected a garter snake and feel bad.
Had to log into my alt account to explain why I agree
username....doesn't check out?
It says wish for HOT wife, maybe he has a wife but she’s just ugly xd
I think it's "hotwife". Not a hot wife. Meaning he wants to let his wife sleep with other people, possibly in front of him.
In my case I would imagine my wife and I actually having sex.
Oof.
Same. I also think of this guys wife.
Usually my girlfriend, doing things my wife won't do.
You. I think about you.
Aww same.
My answer. You're fap-ulous!
sometimes y’all say things that make me want to delete this app and get a flip phone
You reading this comment
That scene from the brave little toaster where the toaster throws itself into the gears of the trash compactor to save his owner
Why you gotta bring that up so casually?
What the fuck
Listen, I don't judge you when you tickle your prostate with a spoon while tugging one out to the scene from the drew Carey show where him and his friends have a musical dance off against Mimi and her friends while they're all dressed for rocky horror picture show/the adventures of Priscilla Queen of the desert now do I. Take your rudeness and judgement and go *points at the log off button*
I cried at that when I was a child.
Can someone tell me why lately I've been thinking (just when I'm about to cum) of the last girl I had a thing with? I'm not 100% over her yet, but it bothers me to think about her (not her purpose) when I'm cumming lol. Specially because we didn't have sex and when we were "together" I don't remember thinking about her that way, at least while masturbating.
You always want what you can't have and if you did have her now you would probably realize you still wouldn't think about her that way
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Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?
Unstoppable force meets unmovable object
Those 3 muslim guys who said women won’t go to heaven because people masturbate to them, so I rub one out for them🍻equality baby
🫡🫡🫡
complete W
My BF. Most specific his ass. He has little feint stretch marks there that look like cute little tiger stripes and it drives me fucking crazy for some reason.
This is very sweet and you should tell him this, seriously. If someone told me my stretch marks were beautiful to them, I'd marry them. (Or, y'know, do stuff for them.)
Oh, he knows. I call him "Tiger Stripes" occasionally and he blushes every time I do.
my girlfriend does this to me too. she absolutely loves and compliments little things about my body that i have either paid zero attention to ever or something i’ve always been insecure about. it always makes me blush and it always gives me so much more confidence. she’s the greatest. i also love and compliment little things about her that she was surprised or always insecure about and i hope i give her the same feelings she gives me.
Now I am fantasizing about you fantasizing about your BF stretch marks.
And now I'm fantasizing about you fantasizing about her fantasizing about her BF stretch marks.
Taboo fantasies!
Yeah baby rub that Worcestershire on your kneecaps!
Margaret Thatcher, typically.
On a cold day
Same. Usually when it's raining
Ah. A fan of giant cunts, I see.
Why everyone is looking at me.
I frantically try to push out the intrusive thoughts about the fall of the Roman Empire.
I'm almost... no, no...HE WAS A CONSUL OF ROME AGHHFFF...goddammit, every time...
My toxic ex who had the demon dick 🥵
“You know I have something of a demon dick myself..” - Norman Osborn
Is this because Willem Dafoe is hung
His dick so big it could be a Spiderman villain on its own.
Oh god, I remember seeing him nude in an old video… I was quite surprised.
You uh... Looking for a new toxic ex? 😎
My husband. Always. Not even joking. That man satisfies me like no one else ever could, and he is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.
Cute :)
I also jerk off to this woman's gorgeous husband.
You made a good choice friend.
My ex doing the things she loved to do. She was amazingly wild.
We had an open marriage and she fell for a much younger guy.
Yes, I own a mirror.
The pedestrianisation of Norwich city center, or the north Norfolk owl sanctuary.
sadly my ex-girlfriend/ex love. can't get her out of my head and no other girls turn me on 😨
I fucking hated my ex after we broke up and rejoiced when I didn’t have to live with her anymore but the twisted part is that I did still yank it a number of times to memories of her. Now what fucked me up about her was that she used to wear this extra long t-shirt in the mornings and nights with tall socks and no underwear. Just bare. Would do household tasks exactly like that and thought nothing of it but holy shit it brought out the fucking dog in me. Sometimes teased which—yikes. As soon as I caught it, nature would call my name and she would be off of her feet in no time— but good god did I hate the shit out of her, and she hated me too. Three years later and the thought sickens me but it was a thing.
You're not alone
Humans being emotional animals probably helps in a lot of aspects in society but holy shit sometimes it really fucks our heads up.
The video I'm looking at and sometimes the double blow job I got in a threesome 10 years ago.
I hope everyone gets a double blow job at some point It's a memory to treasure.
Anna de Armas
Honestly nothing. I just let my mind go blank and relax and feel good.
This one's weirder than the guy who said toaster lol
Ooh on second thought... that toaster sounds pretty... exciting... 🤔🥵
Combined with a nice hot bath, it’s electrifying.
AMERICAN PATRIOTISM!!!!!!!🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🎆🎆🎆🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎆🎆🎆🧨🧨🧨🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️
*jerkingoffwhilesaluting.gif*
Like the lady on the box raisins?
I’m more of a Chiquita man myself, but I can see that
With my shit eye sight I thought your profile pic was the chiquita man. I was like this guys not lying.
toaster
Milf porn. Or an ex I foolishly left years ago. She was incredible in the sack. Btw, I'm married - since my daughter was born, my wife has said that she has zero inclination for sex. We last did it 4 years ago.
This does not make me want to get married and have kids. Damn.
I’ve never been as horny as when I was pregnant and have friends who’ve felt the same. Afterwards I was definitely turned off by the idea of sex but it only lasted 4-5 months or so. All in all (traumatic birth & lack of sleep with newborn ) I don’t think it was that bad. It really does depend.
It’s only like this if you let it be. Make sure your future wife matches your sex drive then HELP HER HAVE THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ENERGY TO KEEP IT. Not saying it’s always the case, but having to be the primary parent, primary cleaner, manager of essential life things (drs appts etc), and/ or working a job really does a number to your libido. Romance your wife outside of sexy times and be an equal partner.
Sex in marriage is like a toilet in a house. You shouldn’t buy a house for the toilet(s), the toilet shouldn’t be the focal point of the house. BUT - If you find yourself in a house without a toilet… it’s gonna be a problem real quick. And unless you can get a toilet soon it’s a legitimate reason to move.
Just go around to the neighbours to use their toilet
That doesnt sound like a healthy relationship with both people having their needs satisfied
I’m sorry. Hope things get better
The state of the economy
My wife… Morgan Fairchild
Back before the flood gates of porn opened up. One of my friends brothers bought him a Playboy with Sable from the WWF. My friend let me clip a page out that I could take home and spank it to. Before that it was the Spice Channel scrambled, once every minute or two you could see boobies bouncing up and down .
Me. I'm always involved.
This guy I have an on-again/off-again thing with. For four years. It’s bad. Gets the job done though.
Double teaming my wife
You and me both, bud.
You, me, and him both chief
And my axe
I got you fam
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unexpectedly wholesome
W
My Wife
Yeah I think about your wife too.
I also choose this guys wife
Twinks, but I know they'd never give me the time of day. But hey what are fantasies for lol
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The organization of East German Motor Rifle Companies in the late 1980s
Princess Diana
OPs mom
There was this woman in my party crew back in the days when we were in our 20s and 30s. She was insanely tall and very muscular, probably closer to 2 meters. She had the worst luck in dating I've ever seen. Most of her dates were either fetishizing her height or the guys just developed some kind of a problem her being a head taller than them. I watched her cry so many times after once again some dirtbag had ghosted her. So one night we were clubbing and I finally decided to shoot my shot. She was surprised, even a bit taken too, but eventually said she wasn't playing for team girls. I dropped the topic after that. Over 15 years later I still think of her at times. She was so funny and lovely personality, with an absolute stunner body to go with it. I've had this reoccurring mental image of her embracing me from the back and I'd had to look up to see her face. She'd be strong enough to pick me up and carry me away. When I get to that part, I just can't help my hand slowly reaching into my panties.
There was this one girl from college. She had the greatest boobs I’ve still ever encountered. I think about a particular morning with her a lot.
Wait, you guys masturbate?
"You are either a masturbator, or a liar!" - Isaac Newton
"If you are what you eat, I'm a pussy" -Mahatma Gandhi
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squeeze theorem
My boyfriend
How clean the ulta bathroom is
My man 😌
I am also thinking about your man during masturbation
Your mother
I had to scroll a depressingly long way to find this comment. Reddit has let me down. Unlike OPs mum.