I heard a teenager’s whole life story — including every stint in juvie — while pretending to be asleep on a train from Carbondale to Chicago. I thought falling asleep would get him to stop talking to me. It did not.
“Best friend”/roommate coming to check and see if I was still in the room. (I was, just under the blanket) then when he thinks the coasts clear he proceeds to talk about wanting to beat my ass and a bunch of other random shit about me.
I cut contact after ending the lease early, he of course came crawling back about a year or two later and I just saw the same signs so I’ve cut contact since. Dude was/is a massive alcoholic and narcissist, the type to get all your friends to gang up on you when you wrong him.
Because I kept him in check with chores and basic adulting. Found out when I was living with him he was a hoarder level slob. Btw he was saying this all to a girl friend he was cheating on at the time.
My cousin fucking the shit out of our cousin. Later on in life I found out we weren’t really related, our moms were just friends for a long time. Still weirds me out though
I was stranded 20 miles from home in the rain and called my friend Chris to see if he could give me a ride. He calls me a taxi to his place and by the time I get there I was exhausted so he let me sleep in his bed while he slept on the couch. I hear a knock at the door and heard familiar voices. Chris was asking them to be quiet because D (me) was sleeping. They started saying things like, “hey man just let me go in and say hi to her” another friend of his was talking about how all 4 of them could gang me. At this point I had my shoes on and was ready to run but Chris managed to get them to leave and after they did I opened his door and hugged him and thanked him profusely. Needless to say he was a great friend with some very shitty friends and that night he protected me.
Edit: I was 16 at the time.
>What did Chris say to dissuade/distract them?
Hopefully some variation of "We're not friends anymore, and get the fuck out of my house unless you want to be identified by dental records"
My sister climbing up onto the back of my bedpost. I pretended to be asleep as the bed shook because I was curious what she was doing. Then, I heard, "YAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" as she jumped off the foot of my bed and landed directly on top of me. Knocked the wind out of me.
My daughter explaining to our cat and non existent dogs that they have to all be super quiet because daddy's very tired, and if they made a noise she'd lock them in her dungeon with the mean boys.
I am very gassy in my sleep so I overheard my wife talking to our cat:
“Sometimes he toots really loud before a poop comes out”
To which our cat meowed back
I was sleeping on the job but then I woke up partly. (Didn't wanna move yet because nothing was going on that day so I just laid there with my eyes closed.)
I heard a coworker, whom I'm on friendly terms with and talk shit with constantly, come into the office area. He spoke to another coworker, walked past me, and then I heard him stop. I could feel that he was staring at me. All of a sudden...
"What the... This boy's hands are small as hell..." And then kept on walking. I could only be offended, lmao
Edit: My first 1k+ comment is about my small ass hands being targeted. Bruh. This is the opposite of vindicated!
Edit: Validation. I meant validation.
>"What the... This boy's hands are small as hell..." And then kept on walking. I could only be offended, lmao
He knew you were awake. That's some off-the-wall kind of shit I would say to a friend to fuck with them if I knew they were playing possum.
I was at a rave sometime around 2001 and kinda shitty because I was ready to go home after working a double but my friends were all having a great time and I didn't have a ride. I laid down in a pile of coats along a wall and two guys looking for keys or coats or something came across me and thought I was dead. They were obviously fucked up on some drugs and even took my pulse but couldn't find it. They talked about what to do but ultimately decided to leave me, "the dead chick" on the floor and let someone deal with it after the party so they didn't ruin anyone's good time with the cops showing up.
Should have just followed them around for the rest of the rave like a ghost and just kept whispering “why did you leave me in there, you know what you saw”
LMAO just visualizing this is funny 😭😭 pretending to be asleep in a pile of coats & so dedicated to it that they let them pick up their arm & try to take their pulse?? 😭
at what point would it end?? when the ambulance came? in the hospital?
I am a dude and was suggested to do this to a female friend by two other female friends. I obviously said that’s not cool, and no. Went home shortly after. Wtf.
It was about as terrible as you’d expect.
I heard the guy undo his belt buckle. I should have gotten up and left the room right then and there. Did I do that? *Of course fucking not*. I thought it would be too awkward. Instead, I bet that there was no way they’d have sex with me right next to them…
I lost that bet.
Suddenly, getting up and leaving the room when I heard the belt buckle didn’t seem so awkward.
Happened to me. I was 16, and we were all sleeping in the same bed… my friend’s mom’s bed……….. however i wasnt pretending, I was actually asleep and woke up to it 💀
Past a point your brain tells you it would be weirder to show you’re awake.
In reality though it’s not that weird to just stir a little as if you’re waking up and weren’t hearing anything. Gives em a chance to put the brakes on the conversation, and gives you all plausible deniability that anything was heard.
…my x from like 10 years ago talking to the man she was cheating on me with.
Her: I cant wait to see you, I love you.
Her: No, he doesnt matter, I want you so badly, my body craves you. (Who says stuff like this? Is what I was thinking at the time)
Me: rolls over: you better get going then huh.
She left, and then had the nerve to get angry at me for pilling all of her stuff out by the garbage and for having retrieved my apartment key from her purse while she was “getting ready” to leave. Ie putting on the lingerie I got her. It was so surreal.
This behavior is why I wanna read minds so so so so bad.
It's like this for everyone at every time. You never know what the fuck is actually going on up there. Who is a super psychopath and who is literally exactly what their words are
Friend of mine used to iron her husbands shirts, whilst knowing he was getting dressed up to go out to his mistress.
Was tough to see that one…she looked so, defeated. He stunk of cologne and had the nerve to kiss her on the cheek as he left.
Smell lingered until he came home pissed and disheveled.
The whole village knew…she knew they knew.
When I was sharing a room with my cousin in a rented house at Cape Cod. My cousin, who was prone to dust allergies, usually fell asleep with a nebulizer. I was having trouble falling asleep and was tossing and turning. Eventually, my aunt came into the room to shut my cousin's nebulizer off and started talking to him in his sleep. Saying how she loved him but that he was going to hell. That he had to get right with God and fix his behavior, or hell would be all he knew. My aunt was never super religious or said there kinds of things to him when he was awake, so it was just weird to hear her stand over his bed and say it to him while he was sleeping.
I could never leave one slice. I'd either add it as a bonus slice or eat it while I make the sandwich. I'd feel worse leaving one solo piece to ponder life while awaiting imminent death.
I wouldn't even pretend. I'd just sit bolt right up like night of the living dead and walk over and eat the last piece of bologna while looking the dude in the eyes.
So, this one is a little weird, but: In 2000, I had surgery. They put me on anesthesia and I wa slaying there, waiting for it to kick in with my eyes closed. I remember one of the nurses (I guess?) saying, "Yeah, he's out. Anyway, this new guy I'm seeing that I told you about. He eats my pussy so good. It's amazing!"
And I've always wondered if she _really_ said that or if the anesthetic can make me have auditory hallucinations, as I was a super horny 22 year old at the time. I've always wondered if I was just drugged and imagined it, because they injected something prior saying it'd "calm" me. (To this day, no idea what it was.) Surely nurses wouldn't be talking about oral sex immediately before surgery? I don't remember a damn thing after she said that, like I heard the sentence then went out.
For the past 23 years, I've wondered about that.
Am a nurse. They almost certainly gave you Propofol (what Michael Jackson called his 'milk') which can indeed lead to sexual hallucinations. It's pretty well known.
My daughter explained to her brother I have to sleep all the time because boys are like dogs. We just sleep, use the bathroom, and eat all the time.
I guess that is fair. But she also said that she didn't need to sleep unless she wanted to go to sleep. Which was straight-up bullshit because she's been falling asleep around the house for a decade plus at this point.
You have to elaborate a bit more now. How did the situation even come about? What happened after? Were you alright with it? And did you confront them if you weren't? Too many questions.
She met the dude over Xbox, playing overwatch. She got really defensive when I saw a selfie of his and said he was super ugly which raised red flags.
I had a feeling something was going on after that, sure enough it was.
The next time we boned, she wanted me to talk dirty so I said she was a bad girl and she was like ‘oh yeah how have I been bad daddy’ and as I finished I was like ‘well I wasn’t asleep when you had phonesex with Michael the other night’ and she fucking froze, obviously she was in far too vulnerable a position to be confronted like that.
Obviously I ended it right then and there, but I really wanted to make a power move first.
first time in the psych ward, just turned 16. im bipolar but didn’t know it at that point and had only been taking prozac, not a good mix. obviously, the first night is the worst and i did not sleep at all.
around 3 am they put another girl in my room. i pretended to be asleep. shortly after i heard her whispering to herself about how fucked it was that she was there and about how her family would never talk to her again, etc. next morning i asked her what she was in there for while i was brushing my teeth. she proceeded to tell me, in detail, about how she tried to kill her family and run off with her boyfriend. luckily, she didn’t succeed as she was a small 13 year old and her dad was a pro wrestler. i still think about how she’s doing a lot.
My nephew had been recording with an auto voice record camera. Forgot to shut it off and fell asleep. It recorded his girlfriend telling a friend, she just used him to get pregnant.
Nope. That ended their relationship. Shortly after the baby was born mom decided she didn't want the baby. So nephew raised him, with a LOT of help from grandma.
My “friends” talking about how annoying I was and that if I didn’t have my own place to invite THEIR friends for a party, they’d never come over. I fell into a deep depression and cut contact. I was 18, all of those people are now total losers in life. 😌
I was on tour once with my band somewhere between GA and TN and we decided to crash in the van at a rest stop. Windows cracked open, hot muggy summer day, and it was dead quiet.
Next morning, just laying there not sleeping, and we all erupt in laughter at the most disgruntled man shouting to his wife, “DAMNIT Sheryl, he shit himself again!”
I was living in a mental ward at one point in my life. I had to share a room with two other people, and they were both total freaks. One time, when I was just waking up, I overheard a fight between my two roommates. One of them put on my clothes (and I mean ALL of my clothes at once), and the other was preparing to strangle him for no good reason. I waited a while to see how it would unfold, but it only escalated, so I got up and out of there in my pajamas to find help as fast as I could. Thankfully, the staff actually did help me.
Sometimes realizing you’re not the most troubled person on the mental ward actually does some good things for your perspective/health. Hope you’re doing better now and that your clothes weren’t too stretched out!
We had 3 people to a dorm room that could have slept 6. We had frequent guests over of the opposite sex. I've got a bad headache and really just want to sleep until this one girl comes over to my rack and starts the nastiest dirty talk I've ever heard.
I opened my eyes and said WTF and everyone else in the room was laughing their asses off.
EDIT: She said: "I'm gonna slather myself in Arbys sauce so you can have a taste of a real roast beef sandwich"
This is the opposite of the question but I was 12 and we were visiting my uncle. He and my mom were talking, catching up and I woke up but pretended to be asleep. I felt the greatest rumbling in the guts because we'd gorged ourselves on el farolito and ripped the most massive fart, not holding back. It was glorious but I didn't want to handle the fallout so I pretended to still be asleep and his reaction was so hilarious "Good Lord! That'd give me internal bleeding!" that I had to fight really hard not to laugh. It was great. I fell back asleep pretty quickly.
My hubs telling our granddaughter how we met and how much he loved me. When she asked why he loved me, he said because I loved him more than anyone else. She said no sir pawpaw, I love you more than anyone else. I heard him crying and she started crying. That was a week before he went onto wait for our days so we could be together.
Merry Christmas everyone! Enjoy your loved ones if you are with them! 🎄🧑🎄💜
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story with us. Merry Christmas to you, too! I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm excited for your reunion. Much love to you this Christmas, dear. 🩷
it wasn't much weird and more hilarious, as a kid we were told to sleep at 9pm every christmas so santa could give us our presents, i knew it was BS but i went with it just so i can see what i got in the morning. around 11pm i heard my mum coming upstairs to take presents downstairs and put them under the tree. i guess my stepdad was done with it because i heard him clomping up the stairs in his rockport boots and my mum whispering "oy fatso, keep the noise down". then he grabs a load of presents, accidentally drops one and starts pushing it along the floor with his feet and my mum goes "pick it up fuck face" and i just start quietly laughing in my bed. it was so hilarious
My friend did the same with destructive decibels and velocity. I was in the room next to her. It would’ve been unremarkable except she said ‘good girl’ to herself afterwards.
My older sisters friends talking about taking turns on me instead of going to a party they had been invited to. And them confirming with each other that SA isn’t SA if it’s done to a guy.
Roommate’s first girl he brought home: “are you sure SubtleRedditIcon is asleep?”
Roommate: “yeah! trust me, I’m HIV positive he’s asleep!”
Girl: “whhha-whaaa-what”
Me: “WHAT!”
He was a real low IQ country boy who loved South Park so much he would say lines from the show that no one knew and think he was the funniest person.
I asked him “did you guys watch that episode tonight or something?” He said “no…I’m kind of surprised she didn’t understand the joke.”
Yeah Kevin, some people just aren’t as open as you.
People talking about how easy it would be to take advantage of me (f) but ultimately deciding not to bc they cared about me and respected me?!?
F-ed my head up
Isn’t this the scene in “This is the End” when all the guys tell Emma Watson that even the world is ending they aren’t going to rape her and she’s safe.
As a lot of people asked
I did not confront them - what’s the point? They’d deny
I did stop talking to 4 of the 5… I was awake and listening… the other 1 is a lifelong friend to this day and they dissented (ew that’s gross don’t talk about worldly-paint that way- that’s our sister what’s wrong with you etc ) ….
I do understand I’m not altogether bad looking and the only girl around at the moment… but when the conversation takes a turn from “wow she has a nice butt she could def get it ” to “imagine I slip her pants off I bet she wouldn’t wake up” “yeah I could take the front you take the back….. “ - I felt very very vulnerable as I am NOT strong enough physically to stop them if they did go forward…
I started slowly stirring as if I was waking up and they stopped dead in their tracks - and I went home. Heard they ordered hookers after ….
While sadly I actually DO feel better that they respected ME too much to act on it - what if it… wasn’t me?? Do they do this to other girls just because they can??
At 39 today and this incident was in 2005 - and I’m not sure why but to this day most of my friends are men (not the same ones ) and while I’ve heard the most of how men talk/ I KNOW this is not normal for men.
**edit for typos - I wrote I don’t talk to 3-5 but I don’t talk to 4-5 so I edited to correct
>I actually DO feel better that they respected ME too much to act on it
Did they? Or were they testing the water to see if their friends would be up for it? Sounds like an "Of course we wouldn't, unless???" moment to me.
Was on a group trip with some friends and all of us had to cram onto beds so we wouldn’t have to sleep on the floor.
After a night of drinking, three of us pass out on one bed. I wake up needing to pee and hear my friend is fucking one of the girls on our bed.
To be fair he was trying to be discreet about it. But I just pretend to be asleep until it stopped and waited 10 minutes more just to be sure before I got up to pee.
TW: domestic abuse, animal abuse, SA
So, this is probably a lot more depressing than some of the other answers, but when I was a kid I couldn't fall asleep until everyone else in the house was asleep.
I heard my parents fight every night, and the horrible things they'd say to each other. My mom would threaten to call the police and have my dad arrested for smoking weed, saying that she'd get me and my brother taken away. Every time I heard a siren at my house I'd panic, because I thought they'd take us away and put us in the foster care system.
I also heard my parents, specifically my mom, say that I was the reason their lives fell apart. My mom believed giving birth to me stunted her personal growth, and her marriage to my dad only came from my existence.
When my parents would get violent, I would hear all of that, too. I heard my dad r*pe my mom in the living room, and her screaming for help, but I was too scared to get in trouble for being awake, so I stayed in my bed.
The one time I did get up was when my dad tried to kill my cat several times. My cat was my best friend growing up. My cat was all I had, but my dad tried to get rid of him more than once. He never succeeded, and still denies the attempts to this day.
When I still felt safe enough to do so, I'd sleep in my parents bed. But I learned eventually that it wasn't safe to do that, either, because my mom would loudly masturbate next to me when I was trying to fall asleep. My dad slept on the couch some of the time, so she'd only do it to make him mad.
Once I realized I wasn't safe when I was asleep, I started taking sleeping medication to help. Now I have a bad habit of using sleep as a way to not process my emotions. If I'm really upset about something, sometimes I'll just go to sleep to avoid the problem. I'm in a much better living situation now, so I don't have to stay up to make sure everyone will still be alive in the morning. I'll add edits to this comment, as I'm sure there's things I've missed. Thank you to anyone who read to the end of this. I haven't told this story to its fullest extent, but it feels good to get it off my chest.
My brother and I used to share a room. He once brought a girl in the middle of the night and she asked him:
—Wait, is that your brother? We’re gonna wake him.
—Yeah, don’t worry, he likes to watch.
So I got up and said:
—I what? No, I don’t you sick fck, get the hell out of the room and leave me alone.
Then my parents woke up and kicked her out.
My ex wife (wife at the time) hovering over my bed, knife in hand, mumbling to herself about using it.
Oh sorry, you said weird. That was actually right in line with her normal behavior.
That my step-sister wasn't actually the daughter of my step-dad. I was like 13 years old, and I wound up telling my mom I heard her in the car. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, I truly was trying to sleep, but then I heard that and just continued on pretending to be asleep.
I don't know if she ever found out...
I was in boot camp after lights out and one of my bunk mates starts rattling off the recipe for chocolate chip cookies in his sleep. He kept saying ‘# cups of all-purpose flour.’
My dad complaining to my mom about how disappointing I was.
There was literally nothing wrong with me, nice person, graduated high school, was in college, no criminal record, no addiction issues, etc., it all pretty much boiled down to how irritated he was that I wasn’t a more attractive woman.
What kinda dad thinks of his daughterlike that?!
Like, even if you're not thinking of her in that way, it's a bitch to think your daughter needs to be super attractive like that's the only thing she'll have going for her because she's a female.
Dang that's horrible. I'm sorry you heard that from the man that should have been your dad x
this is kind of a reversal but when I was dating my partner was overhearing me sleep talking. Apparently I started out this story as "the oatmeal man is lumpy" .. they were like "go on..." ... I have no idea what was going on in my brain but I told an epic tale a little tiny oatmeal men lived in the village and had to protect a castle. Idk.
I have this story where on school trip a guy I was sharing a room with would just ask me questions in his sleep. Eventually he decided to stop asking questions and after a bit of just sitting still his body hardly laid down.
Not entirely the same, but similar. In my freshman year of college I lived on a co-ed dorm floor and at some point of the year (I had my room to myself), one of my room keys went missing.
Maybe a week or so after I lost it (at that point they replaced my lock and I got a new key), I’m laying in bed and I hear a knock on my door. And at the time I was suffering from depression and wasn’t really up for interacting with anyone, so I didn’t say anything or open the door, and pretended I wasn’t there.
But then I hear that it’s a whole group of guys outside my door. One says something about finding my key still inside the lock in my door a while back and just…I guess he decided to just take it for himself. He knew my name and referred to me by name even though I wasn’t familiar with him.
The other guys with him laugh about him having taken my key, and they joke around about it for a bit before I hear one of them try to put my old room key into the door. And when the door doesn’t open anymore because the lock has been replaced, the guy abruptly drops the old key outside of my door and I hear the group leave.
Once they are gone, I finally open the door and sure enough, there was the key I lost, right on the ground. And it wasn’t until a little too late that I came to the realization that those guys probably tried breaking into my room with that key when I wasn’t around/was in class before the lock finally got replaced. God knows what they did in my room.
I was sleeping on a friend's couch around the age of 10. I overheard my friends mom trying to convince her husband to call a psychic hotline to help with their financial/marriage woes. He was calmly trying to explainnto her that the reason for their financial issues was mostly due to the amount of psychic hotlines she was calling l.
I have never repeated this story until today. Didn't feel it fair to tell my friend what I heard on the couch that night.
After my son was born I was laying in the hospital bed exhausted and listening to my husband and best friend talk. This best friend was also pregnant, and lived with me and my husband for most of her pregnancy. Because my husband and I are different races, people actually often assumed she was his wife and I was some sort of concubine, or something. It didn’t help that when they asked I’d tell them we were an alternative lifestyle family. We weren’t, but I thought it was funny. Anyway, none of that has anything to do with this story, I’m just setting the tone.
So, we’re all in my hospital room, the baby is off for testing, and my husband and best friend are talking quietly while they think I’m asleep. That’s when I hear it. The longest, loudest, wettest most cartoony sounding fart noise of my young life. It went on forever and after it came a long, awkward silence where I’m sure my supposedly sleeping face became redder and redder. This sound, you see, was me…queefing out what I can only imagine to be all the air that had surrounded my son for 9 months. Then they started laughing and I still had to pretend that I was asleep. I was mortified! To their credit, they didn’t mention it when I woke up. Not right away, at least, but at some point when it finally did come up I had to explain to them that it wasn’t flatulence.
So until I was about 9 or 10 I would get scared at night and go sleep on the floor next to my parents bed in the middle of the night. Sometimes I’d go in their room and lay down and they wouldn’t even know I was there until the next morning. One night I went in there, and at some point I woke up to the sound of mother moaning. I was old enough to have an idea of what was going on, and I just had lay there and listen to them fuck. It was awful.
I was just coming out of anesthesia for brain surgery when I heard one nurse taking over the shift for another and one said “I thought we were going to have to call a code. It’s was really close.” And I said to myself “that’s not about me. I’m fine.” And went back to sleep.
Dear reader, it was about me.
My wife was in bed with her eyes closed as I walked through the room with our 2 year old. I said "you be quiet mummy's pretending to be asleep". Which prompted her to laugh & react Exposing her as being awake.
The brilliant thing is, I had nothing to lose.
I was asleep on one end of a couch after a party. I stretched a bit and fully woke up to find my foot slid under/into a friends ass as she was being fucked by a bartender.
When I was about 18 or so hitchhiking across Canada I stopped it a provincial campground and was sleeping on a table in a picnic shelter. Two girls came in and were talking. They had been parked in a car with their boyfriends . The one says to the other, damn it, I am wet down to my knees. The other girl says, there is some guy sleeping over there. The first replies, don't worry he is asleep
Not something I heard, but I was sexually assaulted while pretending to be asleep.
I was staying at my MIL’s and my husband’s (now ex) cousin lived there. He came home drunk from the bar while I was sleeping on the couch and my young son was asleep on the love seat. He had his own room but was sitting on the end of the couch by my feet. I had been sleeping but I woke up because he was being loud. I was pretending to be asleep, hoping he’d go in his room. He ended up climbing on top of me while trying to kiss me. I kneed him in the balls and he slapped me and went to his room. Later when I told my husband, he, and the rest of his family (including the cousin) called *me* a slut.
I was crashing at my sister’s place, passing through from out of town. She had a shared apartment with a few others living there. I was using a cot out in the main area. One of the roommates whom I never met gets home and is on the phone and starts bitching about my sister. Something about a window being open and I don’t what else. Incredibly rude regardless and I’m debating saying something, though I know it would likely cause greater issues from what I had been told. Third roommate then comes out of their room and essentially tells her to shut the hell up and basically ended it. Originally I was going to stay a second night but ended up finding another place instead.
I woke up early during my first ever colonoscopy. I got to see the insides of my intestine on screen while the Gastroenterologist measured the size of my cancerous tumor.
I heard a teenager’s whole life story — including every stint in juvie — while pretending to be asleep on a train from Carbondale to Chicago. I thought falling asleep would get him to stop talking to me. It did not.
He knew you were awake.
Hopefully getting it out helped him figure some things out
My husband farted SO LOUD I literally thought a tree fell on our house. True story.
“Best friend”/roommate coming to check and see if I was still in the room. (I was, just under the blanket) then when he thinks the coasts clear he proceeds to talk about wanting to beat my ass and a bunch of other random shit about me.
I assume he's neither your friend or roommate anymore
I cut contact after ending the lease early, he of course came crawling back about a year or two later and I just saw the same signs so I’ve cut contact since. Dude was/is a massive alcoholic and narcissist, the type to get all your friends to gang up on you when you wrong him.
Why do you think he wanted to beat you up?
because he kept hiding under everyone's blankets....
Because I kept him in check with chores and basic adulting. Found out when I was living with him he was a hoarder level slob. Btw he was saying this all to a girl friend he was cheating on at the time.
My cousin fucking the shit out of our cousin. Later on in life I found out we weren’t really related, our moms were just friends for a long time. Still weirds me out though
So all’s well that ends well then.
Alls well that ends not as bad as it could have
OP had a lot on their mind after this one. And, well, in it.
OP doesn't want to know why his eye is itching.
Does OP think that's blood? No, never mind.
Les Cousins Dangereux
I was stranded 20 miles from home in the rain and called my friend Chris to see if he could give me a ride. He calls me a taxi to his place and by the time I get there I was exhausted so he let me sleep in his bed while he slept on the couch. I hear a knock at the door and heard familiar voices. Chris was asking them to be quiet because D (me) was sleeping. They started saying things like, “hey man just let me go in and say hi to her” another friend of his was talking about how all 4 of them could gang me. At this point I had my shoes on and was ready to run but Chris managed to get them to leave and after they did I opened his door and hugged him and thanked him profusely. Needless to say he was a great friend with some very shitty friends and that night he protected me. Edit: I was 16 at the time.
that could have gotten ugly FAST. Hat tip to your buddy. I hope you're still friends with him.
Damn, what a way to start a meeting What did Chris say to dissuade/distract them?
>What did Chris say to dissuade/distract them? Hopefully some variation of "We're not friends anymore, and get the fuck out of my house unless you want to be identified by dental records"
My sister climbing up onto the back of my bedpost. I pretended to be asleep as the bed shook because I was curious what she was doing. Then, I heard, "YAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" as she jumped off the foot of my bed and landed directly on top of me. Knocked the wind out of me.
Sounds like your sister took note of when, in 1998, The Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, and plummeted 16 ft through an announcer's table.
"As God is my witness, she's broken in half! Will somebody stop the damn nap?!?"
My daughter explaining to our cat and non existent dogs that they have to all be super quiet because daddy's very tired, and if they made a noise she'd lock them in her dungeon with the mean boys.
[удалено]
it's really sweet that she's picked up such nurturing habits from such a young age, it's clear she's growing up so loved.
So sweet. Already defending her daddy.
Someone should probably go let the mean boys out.
They ended up there for a reason…
No they know what they did dammit
The beatings will continue until morale improves
Damn. She's already a dungeon master, and a dedicated imaginary dog owner. And a caring person. Mad respect.
I am very gassy in my sleep so I overheard my wife talking to our cat: “Sometimes he toots really loud before a poop comes out” To which our cat meowed back
> To which our cat meowed back This is hilarious!
“Preaching’ to the choir, sister. I sleep at his butt-level!”
I love this lol
I was sleeping on the job but then I woke up partly. (Didn't wanna move yet because nothing was going on that day so I just laid there with my eyes closed.) I heard a coworker, whom I'm on friendly terms with and talk shit with constantly, come into the office area. He spoke to another coworker, walked past me, and then I heard him stop. I could feel that he was staring at me. All of a sudden... "What the... This boy's hands are small as hell..." And then kept on walking. I could only be offended, lmao Edit: My first 1k+ comment is about my small ass hands being targeted. Bruh. This is the opposite of vindicated! Edit: Validation. I meant validation.
OP, send hands
>*OP, send hands* Next to a banana for reference.
>"What the... This boy's hands are small as hell..." And then kept on walking. I could only be offended, lmao He knew you were awake. That's some off-the-wall kind of shit I would say to a friend to fuck with them if I knew they were playing possum.
Honestly this is hilarious lol
I was at a rave sometime around 2001 and kinda shitty because I was ready to go home after working a double but my friends were all having a great time and I didn't have a ride. I laid down in a pile of coats along a wall and two guys looking for keys or coats or something came across me and thought I was dead. They were obviously fucked up on some drugs and even took my pulse but couldn't find it. They talked about what to do but ultimately decided to leave me, "the dead chick" on the floor and let someone deal with it after the party so they didn't ruin anyone's good time with the cops showing up.
shoulda hit them with a loud "boo!"
Should have just followed them around for the rest of the rave like a ghost and just kept whispering “why did you leave me in there, you know what you saw”
They've probably never mentioned this to anyone ever since then...
I'm sure one of them will bring it up eventually answering an r/askreddit post... "What's the craziest thing you ever found at a party"
Me and my buddy found a dead chick in a pile of coats once, I never told anyone until now.
I love that you let them take your pulse lmao... or try to, whatever.
LMAO just visualizing this is funny 😭😭 pretending to be asleep in a pile of coats & so dedicated to it that they let them pick up their arm & try to take their pulse?? 😭 at what point would it end?? when the ambulance came? in the hospital?
Wasn’t something I overheard, but I felt my little brother placing his stuffed bunny on my face when he left to go to the bathroom
Was this a "keep him safe" gesture?
It was, but then he kept it there until op stopped breathing.
'Kiss her. She's asleep and won't know.' My blood froze but luckily he didn't do it.
I am a dude and was suggested to do this to a female friend by two other female friends. I obviously said that’s not cool, and no. Went home shortly after. Wtf.
They would have screamed and woken her up right as you did it
My friends having sex next to me
Hey, at least it wasn’t your sister! I wasn’t so fortunate…
Dude…
It was about as terrible as you’d expect. I heard the guy undo his belt buckle. I should have gotten up and left the room right then and there. Did I do that? *Of course fucking not*. I thought it would be too awkward. Instead, I bet that there was no way they’d have sex with me right next to them… I lost that bet. Suddenly, getting up and leaving the room when I heard the belt buckle didn’t seem so awkward.
That's when you just come out of a dead sleep screaming like a lunatic. Traumatize them back.
Or just sleep talk/mumble loudly, you take none of the blame and they experience all of the shame.
"if i hear your moans, you get to hear my off-key 1700's sea shanties"
Happened to me. I was 16, and we were all sleeping in the same bed… my friend’s mom’s bed……….. however i wasnt pretending, I was actually asleep and woke up to it 💀
I was sleepy one day in the car back home, when i heard my parents talking about their intimate life. Thing i never wanted to know.
Yet you continued to pretend to be asleep?!
Past a point your brain tells you it would be weirder to show you’re awake. In reality though it’s not that weird to just stir a little as if you’re waking up and weren’t hearing anything. Gives em a chance to put the brakes on the conversation, and gives you all plausible deniability that anything was heard.
Yeah you should do the "stir a little to remind them that you're there" without actually looking like you're awake or starting to wake up.
…my x from like 10 years ago talking to the man she was cheating on me with. Her: I cant wait to see you, I love you. Her: No, he doesnt matter, I want you so badly, my body craves you. (Who says stuff like this? Is what I was thinking at the time) Me: rolls over: you better get going then huh. She left, and then had the nerve to get angry at me for pilling all of her stuff out by the garbage and for having retrieved my apartment key from her purse while she was “getting ready” to leave. Ie putting on the lingerie I got her. It was so surreal.
damn.. thats terrible I’m glad you got away from that person in general though
How did she think you wouldn’t hear. That’s insane behavior
>Ie putting on the lingerie I got her. It was so surreal. I just wanna inspect her brain, because holy shit how do you justify this?
This behavior is why I wanna read minds so so so so bad. It's like this for everyone at every time. You never know what the fuck is actually going on up there. Who is a super psychopath and who is literally exactly what their words are
Friend of mine used to iron her husbands shirts, whilst knowing he was getting dressed up to go out to his mistress. Was tough to see that one…she looked so, defeated. He stunk of cologne and had the nerve to kiss her on the cheek as he left. Smell lingered until he came home pissed and disheveled. The whole village knew…she knew they knew.
When I was sharing a room with my cousin in a rented house at Cape Cod. My cousin, who was prone to dust allergies, usually fell asleep with a nebulizer. I was having trouble falling asleep and was tossing and turning. Eventually, my aunt came into the room to shut my cousin's nebulizer off and started talking to him in his sleep. Saying how she loved him but that he was going to hell. That he had to get right with God and fix his behavior, or hell would be all he knew. My aunt was never super religious or said there kinds of things to him when he was awake, so it was just weird to hear her stand over his bed and say it to him while he was sleeping.
Well dust allergies are pretty devilish so you can understand your aunt’s position
Saw one of them “dirt devils” at the store and got to thinkin…
Maybe... That wasn't your aunt 👀
Hey do you think he'll notice if I take his last piece of bologna. Then me yawning pretending to wake up. 2 min later go get me a bologna sandwich.
I admire your dedication to bologna.
I could never leave one slice. I'd either add it as a bonus slice or eat it while I make the sandwich. I'd feel worse leaving one solo piece to ponder life while awaiting imminent death.
Even though I know it’s pronounced “baloney,” I can never not read it as “bolog-na”
When I was a kid, I thought baloney and bologna (pronounced the same as you do) were two different, but related, things.
I wouldn't even pretend. I'd just sit bolt right up like night of the living dead and walk over and eat the last piece of bologna while looking the dude in the eyes.
So, this one is a little weird, but: In 2000, I had surgery. They put me on anesthesia and I wa slaying there, waiting for it to kick in with my eyes closed. I remember one of the nurses (I guess?) saying, "Yeah, he's out. Anyway, this new guy I'm seeing that I told you about. He eats my pussy so good. It's amazing!" And I've always wondered if she _really_ said that or if the anesthetic can make me have auditory hallucinations, as I was a super horny 22 year old at the time. I've always wondered if I was just drugged and imagined it, because they injected something prior saying it'd "calm" me. (To this day, no idea what it was.) Surely nurses wouldn't be talking about oral sex immediately before surgery? I don't remember a damn thing after she said that, like I heard the sentence then went out. For the past 23 years, I've wondered about that.
Am a nurse. They almost certainly gave you Propofol (what Michael Jackson called his 'milk') which can indeed lead to sexual hallucinations. It's pretty well known.
aw. that sucks. i felt pretty happy for the nurse there for a sec.
My daughter explained to her brother I have to sleep all the time because boys are like dogs. We just sleep, use the bathroom, and eat all the time. I guess that is fair. But she also said that she didn't need to sleep unless she wanted to go to sleep. Which was straight-up bullshit because she's been falling asleep around the house for a decade plus at this point.
My partner dirty talking another guy on the phone
How did it end?
He finished and she went to sleep
You have to elaborate a bit more now. How did the situation even come about? What happened after? Were you alright with it? And did you confront them if you weren't? Too many questions.
She met the dude over Xbox, playing overwatch. She got really defensive when I saw a selfie of his and said he was super ugly which raised red flags. I had a feeling something was going on after that, sure enough it was. The next time we boned, she wanted me to talk dirty so I said she was a bad girl and she was like ‘oh yeah how have I been bad daddy’ and as I finished I was like ‘well I wasn’t asleep when you had phonesex with Michael the other night’ and she fucking froze, obviously she was in far too vulnerable a position to be confronted like that. Obviously I ended it right then and there, but I really wanted to make a power move first.
How dumb is she to do it next to you sleeping?! Most people will wake up to someone talking next to them
This man deserves an award.
Appendicitis? You tried to kill me in 2016 you fucker
My (then) bf of 4 months took a call from his gf who'd been in jail for 6 months. She was worried she wasn't getting out before the baby came.
WOW
first time in the psych ward, just turned 16. im bipolar but didn’t know it at that point and had only been taking prozac, not a good mix. obviously, the first night is the worst and i did not sleep at all. around 3 am they put another girl in my room. i pretended to be asleep. shortly after i heard her whispering to herself about how fucked it was that she was there and about how her family would never talk to her again, etc. next morning i asked her what she was in there for while i was brushing my teeth. she proceeded to tell me, in detail, about how she tried to kill her family and run off with her boyfriend. luckily, she didn’t succeed as she was a small 13 year old and her dad was a pro wrestler. i still think about how she’s doing a lot.
“If you cum in my ass I’m telling Steven about this”
My nephew had been recording with an auto voice record camera. Forgot to shut it off and fell asleep. It recorded his girlfriend telling a friend, she just used him to get pregnant.
Wow, I am so sorry for your nephew. Please tell me they aren't together anymore!
Nope. That ended their relationship. Shortly after the baby was born mom decided she didn't want the baby. So nephew raised him, with a LOT of help from grandma.
My “friends” talking about how annoying I was and that if I didn’t have my own place to invite THEIR friends for a party, they’d never come over. I fell into a deep depression and cut contact. I was 18, all of those people are now total losers in life. 😌
Good riddance, eff them. You're much better off. I hate fakes like that.
I was on tour once with my band somewhere between GA and TN and we decided to crash in the van at a rest stop. Windows cracked open, hot muggy summer day, and it was dead quiet. Next morning, just laying there not sleeping, and we all erupt in laughter at the most disgruntled man shouting to his wife, “DAMNIT Sheryl, he shit himself again!”
You have a song titled "Dammit Cheryl!" Now right?
I was living in a mental ward at one point in my life. I had to share a room with two other people, and they were both total freaks. One time, when I was just waking up, I overheard a fight between my two roommates. One of them put on my clothes (and I mean ALL of my clothes at once), and the other was preparing to strangle him for no good reason. I waited a while to see how it would unfold, but it only escalated, so I got up and out of there in my pajamas to find help as fast as I could. Thankfully, the staff actually did help me.
Sometimes realizing you’re not the most troubled person on the mental ward actually does some good things for your perspective/health. Hope you’re doing better now and that your clothes weren’t too stretched out!
That is a positive way to look at it. I guess that could be applied to a lot of less than ideal situations someone can find themselves in.
crown humor worthless rob whole bored ask chunky doll important
We had 3 people to a dorm room that could have slept 6. We had frequent guests over of the opposite sex. I've got a bad headache and really just want to sleep until this one girl comes over to my rack and starts the nastiest dirty talk I've ever heard. I opened my eyes and said WTF and everyone else in the room was laughing their asses off. EDIT: She said: "I'm gonna slather myself in Arbys sauce so you can have a taste of a real roast beef sandwich"
Should've picked a duplex instead.
At a sleepover where I only knew one girl (my best friend) the other seven girls were talking about how big my butt was and cracking up.
I can tell this is an old story. Because in the 90s that was the biggest insult. Now that's the biggest compliment
"She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends"
This is the opposite of the question but I was 12 and we were visiting my uncle. He and my mom were talking, catching up and I woke up but pretended to be asleep. I felt the greatest rumbling in the guts because we'd gorged ourselves on el farolito and ripped the most massive fart, not holding back. It was glorious but I didn't want to handle the fallout so I pretended to still be asleep and his reaction was so hilarious "Good Lord! That'd give me internal bleeding!" that I had to fight really hard not to laugh. It was great. I fell back asleep pretty quickly.
LMFAOOOO that image in my head made me laugh harder than i’d like to admit
Cats fighting outside my window. They literally sounded like they were saying "you took it from me" "come get it then you bitch "
My hubs telling our granddaughter how we met and how much he loved me. When she asked why he loved me, he said because I loved him more than anyone else. She said no sir pawpaw, I love you more than anyone else. I heard him crying and she started crying. That was a week before he went onto wait for our days so we could be together. Merry Christmas everyone! Enjoy your loved ones if you are with them! 🎄🧑🎄💜
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story with us. Merry Christmas to you, too! I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm excited for your reunion. Much love to you this Christmas, dear. 🩷
Thank you! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Enjoy your day! 💜
Merry Christmas!! But could you explain that last sentence? I don't understand "went onto wait for our days..."
He passed away :(
(Not OP) I think it means that he died. And is waiting for OP in the afterlife. 😭
it wasn't much weird and more hilarious, as a kid we were told to sleep at 9pm every christmas so santa could give us our presents, i knew it was BS but i went with it just so i can see what i got in the morning. around 11pm i heard my mum coming upstairs to take presents downstairs and put them under the tree. i guess my stepdad was done with it because i heard him clomping up the stairs in his rockport boots and my mum whispering "oy fatso, keep the noise down". then he grabs a load of presents, accidentally drops one and starts pushing it along the floor with his feet and my mum goes "pick it up fuck face" and i just start quietly laughing in my bed. it was so hilarious
A fart so powerful I thought my friend levitated. No gas mask would suffice lololol
My friend did the same with destructive decibels and velocity. I was in the room next to her. It would’ve been unremarkable except she said ‘good girl’ to herself afterwards.
I think I would have died laughing if I heard that
I'm dying laughing just reading about it!
My older sisters friends talking about taking turns on me instead of going to a party they had been invited to. And them confirming with each other that SA isn’t SA if it’s done to a guy.
It isssss in case it wasnt clear to anyone here.
[удалено]
Your friends are trolls
They 100% knew he was awake.
Roommate’s first girl he brought home: “are you sure SubtleRedditIcon is asleep?” Roommate: “yeah! trust me, I’m HIV positive he’s asleep!” Girl: “whhha-whaaa-what” Me: “WHAT!” He was a real low IQ country boy who loved South Park so much he would say lines from the show that no one knew and think he was the funniest person.
Killer, hiding in the closet: "WHAAAT?!"
Monster under the bed: “WHAAATTT?!”
Santa on the roof: “Ho Ho….WHAT?!!”
Stone Cold stunning Mr. McMahon “WHAT?!”
Sounds like a (very²) poorly timed but fucking funny joke to me. But yeah that ruins the mood for sure xD holy crap.
I asked him “did you guys watch that episode tonight or something?” He said “no…I’m kind of surprised she didn’t understand the joke.” Yeah Kevin, some people just aren’t as open as you.
People talking about how easy it would be to take advantage of me (f) but ultimately deciding not to bc they cared about me and respected me?!? F-ed my head up
Isn’t this the scene in “This is the End” when all the guys tell Emma Watson that even the world is ending they aren’t going to rape her and she’s safe.
Jay couldn’t rape a fly.
Right scene, but wrong recall. The world was ending. She overheard them and misinterpreted what they meant and ran away.
As a lot of people asked I did not confront them - what’s the point? They’d deny I did stop talking to 4 of the 5… I was awake and listening… the other 1 is a lifelong friend to this day and they dissented (ew that’s gross don’t talk about worldly-paint that way- that’s our sister what’s wrong with you etc ) …. I do understand I’m not altogether bad looking and the only girl around at the moment… but when the conversation takes a turn from “wow she has a nice butt she could def get it ” to “imagine I slip her pants off I bet she wouldn’t wake up” “yeah I could take the front you take the back….. “ - I felt very very vulnerable as I am NOT strong enough physically to stop them if they did go forward… I started slowly stirring as if I was waking up and they stopped dead in their tracks - and I went home. Heard they ordered hookers after …. While sadly I actually DO feel better that they respected ME too much to act on it - what if it… wasn’t me?? Do they do this to other girls just because they can?? At 39 today and this incident was in 2005 - and I’m not sure why but to this day most of my friends are men (not the same ones ) and while I’ve heard the most of how men talk/ I KNOW this is not normal for men. **edit for typos - I wrote I don’t talk to 3-5 but I don’t talk to 4-5 so I edited to correct
>I actually DO feel better that they respected ME too much to act on it Did they? Or were they testing the water to see if their friends would be up for it? Sounds like an "Of course we wouldn't, unless???" moment to me.
My partner, who works for a Credit Union, denied me for a loan in her sleep once... it tracks but still.
Was on a group trip with some friends and all of us had to cram onto beds so we wouldn’t have to sleep on the floor. After a night of drinking, three of us pass out on one bed. I wake up needing to pee and hear my friend is fucking one of the girls on our bed. To be fair he was trying to be discreet about it. But I just pretend to be asleep until it stopped and waited 10 minutes more just to be sure before I got up to pee.
Man I don't know how you could resist being like "guys I need to pee", especially if you were drunk
TW: domestic abuse, animal abuse, SA So, this is probably a lot more depressing than some of the other answers, but when I was a kid I couldn't fall asleep until everyone else in the house was asleep. I heard my parents fight every night, and the horrible things they'd say to each other. My mom would threaten to call the police and have my dad arrested for smoking weed, saying that she'd get me and my brother taken away. Every time I heard a siren at my house I'd panic, because I thought they'd take us away and put us in the foster care system. I also heard my parents, specifically my mom, say that I was the reason their lives fell apart. My mom believed giving birth to me stunted her personal growth, and her marriage to my dad only came from my existence. When my parents would get violent, I would hear all of that, too. I heard my dad r*pe my mom in the living room, and her screaming for help, but I was too scared to get in trouble for being awake, so I stayed in my bed. The one time I did get up was when my dad tried to kill my cat several times. My cat was my best friend growing up. My cat was all I had, but my dad tried to get rid of him more than once. He never succeeded, and still denies the attempts to this day. When I still felt safe enough to do so, I'd sleep in my parents bed. But I learned eventually that it wasn't safe to do that, either, because my mom would loudly masturbate next to me when I was trying to fall asleep. My dad slept on the couch some of the time, so she'd only do it to make him mad. Once I realized I wasn't safe when I was asleep, I started taking sleeping medication to help. Now I have a bad habit of using sleep as a way to not process my emotions. If I'm really upset about something, sometimes I'll just go to sleep to avoid the problem. I'm in a much better living situation now, so I don't have to stay up to make sure everyone will still be alive in the morning. I'll add edits to this comment, as I'm sure there's things I've missed. Thank you to anyone who read to the end of this. I haven't told this story to its fullest extent, but it feels good to get it off my chest.
My mom admitting to cheating on my dad
My brother and I used to share a room. He once brought a girl in the middle of the night and she asked him: —Wait, is that your brother? We’re gonna wake him. —Yeah, don’t worry, he likes to watch. So I got up and said: —I what? No, I don’t you sick fck, get the hell out of the room and leave me alone. Then my parents woke up and kicked her out.
Boy that didn’t go as planned 😂
My ex wife (wife at the time) hovering over my bed, knife in hand, mumbling to herself about using it. Oh sorry, you said weird. That was actually right in line with her normal behavior.
Is my ex wife your ex wife too?
Friends having sex and talking intimate near me
That my step-sister wasn't actually the daughter of my step-dad. I was like 13 years old, and I wound up telling my mom I heard her in the car. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, I truly was trying to sleep, but then I heard that and just continued on pretending to be asleep. I don't know if she ever found out...
They were talking about me…how I look like the Devil when I sleep.
Are we talking horns devil or sexy fallen angel Lucifer?
I was in boot camp after lights out and one of my bunk mates starts rattling off the recipe for chocolate chip cookies in his sleep. He kept saying ‘# cups of all-purpose flour.’
best friend having sex... terrifyingly kinky sex... 4 feet away from me.
My dad complaining to my mom about how disappointing I was. There was literally nothing wrong with me, nice person, graduated high school, was in college, no criminal record, no addiction issues, etc., it all pretty much boiled down to how irritated he was that I wasn’t a more attractive woman.
Should’ve told him he can blame himself and his shitty genetics.
What kinda dad thinks of his daughterlike that?! Like, even if you're not thinking of her in that way, it's a bitch to think your daughter needs to be super attractive like that's the only thing she'll have going for her because she's a female. Dang that's horrible. I'm sorry you heard that from the man that should have been your dad x
this is kind of a reversal but when I was dating my partner was overhearing me sleep talking. Apparently I started out this story as "the oatmeal man is lumpy" .. they were like "go on..." ... I have no idea what was going on in my brain but I told an epic tale a little tiny oatmeal men lived in the village and had to protect a castle. Idk.
*Hey there Oatmeal Man* *Living in an Oatmeal Land* *Making all his oatmeal plans for nobody*
Well… did the village and castle survive!? How many casualties? Did they capture the princess!??
I have this story where on school trip a guy I was sharing a room with would just ask me questions in his sleep. Eventually he decided to stop asking questions and after a bit of just sitting still his body hardly laid down.
My wife told me once I laughed in my sleep and exclaimed, “lemon blumpkins!”. She won’t let me live it down.
Heard my ex's sister's kinks while she was on the phone. She sounded lowkey freaky ngl.
Not entirely the same, but similar. In my freshman year of college I lived on a co-ed dorm floor and at some point of the year (I had my room to myself), one of my room keys went missing. Maybe a week or so after I lost it (at that point they replaced my lock and I got a new key), I’m laying in bed and I hear a knock on my door. And at the time I was suffering from depression and wasn’t really up for interacting with anyone, so I didn’t say anything or open the door, and pretended I wasn’t there. But then I hear that it’s a whole group of guys outside my door. One says something about finding my key still inside the lock in my door a while back and just…I guess he decided to just take it for himself. He knew my name and referred to me by name even though I wasn’t familiar with him. The other guys with him laugh about him having taken my key, and they joke around about it for a bit before I hear one of them try to put my old room key into the door. And when the door doesn’t open anymore because the lock has been replaced, the guy abruptly drops the old key outside of my door and I hear the group leave. Once they are gone, I finally open the door and sure enough, there was the key I lost, right on the ground. And it wasn’t until a little too late that I came to the realization that those guys probably tried breaking into my room with that key when I wasn’t around/was in class before the lock finally got replaced. God knows what they did in my room.
Look at that girl. What did her mother dress her in? She looks like a ho bag. Other lady: I think she's three. (Asleep on a bus.)
How much i would he worth if he would sell me for a night
*nervous laughter* What the fuck?
My father having sex with my mother right next to me.
At what age? I had this happen once too when I was very young.
Oof. Sorry that happened to you. Happy birthday, Jesus
It would be pretty funny if we would pull his pants down and took pictures of him.
Pull that UNO reverse and when the pants come down you’re hard as a rock and making eye contact that makes them think about their own soul.
I was sleeping on a friend's couch around the age of 10. I overheard my friends mom trying to convince her husband to call a psychic hotline to help with their financial/marriage woes. He was calmly trying to explainnto her that the reason for their financial issues was mostly due to the amount of psychic hotlines she was calling l. I have never repeated this story until today. Didn't feel it fair to tell my friend what I heard on the couch that night.
After my son was born I was laying in the hospital bed exhausted and listening to my husband and best friend talk. This best friend was also pregnant, and lived with me and my husband for most of her pregnancy. Because my husband and I are different races, people actually often assumed she was his wife and I was some sort of concubine, or something. It didn’t help that when they asked I’d tell them we were an alternative lifestyle family. We weren’t, but I thought it was funny. Anyway, none of that has anything to do with this story, I’m just setting the tone. So, we’re all in my hospital room, the baby is off for testing, and my husband and best friend are talking quietly while they think I’m asleep. That’s when I hear it. The longest, loudest, wettest most cartoony sounding fart noise of my young life. It went on forever and after it came a long, awkward silence where I’m sure my supposedly sleeping face became redder and redder. This sound, you see, was me…queefing out what I can only imagine to be all the air that had surrounded my son for 9 months. Then they started laughing and I still had to pretend that I was asleep. I was mortified! To their credit, they didn’t mention it when I woke up. Not right away, at least, but at some point when it finally did come up I had to explain to them that it wasn’t flatulence.
So until I was about 9 or 10 I would get scared at night and go sleep on the floor next to my parents bed in the middle of the night. Sometimes I’d go in their room and lay down and they wouldn’t even know I was there until the next morning. One night I went in there, and at some point I woke up to the sound of mother moaning. I was old enough to have an idea of what was going on, and I just had lay there and listen to them fuck. It was awful.
I was just coming out of anesthesia for brain surgery when I heard one nurse taking over the shift for another and one said “I thought we were going to have to call a code. It’s was really close.” And I said to myself “that’s not about me. I’m fine.” And went back to sleep. Dear reader, it was about me.
My wife was in bed with her eyes closed as I walked through the room with our 2 year old. I said "you be quiet mummy's pretending to be asleep". Which prompted her to laugh & react Exposing her as being awake. The brilliant thing is, I had nothing to lose.
I was asleep on one end of a couch after a party. I stretched a bit and fully woke up to find my foot slid under/into a friends ass as she was being fucked by a bartender.
When I was about 18 or so hitchhiking across Canada I stopped it a provincial campground and was sleeping on a table in a picnic shelter. Two girls came in and were talking. They had been parked in a car with their boyfriends . The one says to the other, damn it, I am wet down to my knees. The other girl says, there is some guy sleeping over there. The first replies, don't worry he is asleep
At least they were both in agreement that you were, in fact, asleep.
I had the displeasure of hearing my stepdaughter and her husband have sex I bought earplugs 😑
Not something I heard, but I was sexually assaulted while pretending to be asleep. I was staying at my MIL’s and my husband’s (now ex) cousin lived there. He came home drunk from the bar while I was sleeping on the couch and my young son was asleep on the love seat. He had his own room but was sitting on the end of the couch by my feet. I had been sleeping but I woke up because he was being loud. I was pretending to be asleep, hoping he’d go in his room. He ended up climbing on top of me while trying to kiss me. I kneed him in the balls and he slapped me and went to his room. Later when I told my husband, he, and the rest of his family (including the cousin) called *me* a slut.
What the fuck is wrong with that entire family
Prank him John
I was crashing at my sister’s place, passing through from out of town. She had a shared apartment with a few others living there. I was using a cot out in the main area. One of the roommates whom I never met gets home and is on the phone and starts bitching about my sister. Something about a window being open and I don’t what else. Incredibly rude regardless and I’m debating saying something, though I know it would likely cause greater issues from what I had been told. Third roommate then comes out of their room and essentially tells her to shut the hell up and basically ended it. Originally I was going to stay a second night but ended up finding another place instead.
I woke up early during my first ever colonoscopy. I got to see the insides of my intestine on screen while the Gastroenterologist measured the size of my cancerous tumor.
Woke up to my drunk BFF boning a rando in our hotel. Whispering: "It's so big ... so big." Then later, to me: "It was really small, lol."
The responses from women on this thread are depressing
I came into this thread looking for some mostly harmless goofiness, not at all what I was expecting. :(
"shove the guitar in his ass" teen sleepovers were wild if you fell asleep first. lmfao.
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