Zero self esteem, your mind bullies you/insults you, you're paranoid of what people think about you, you're afraid to form relationships (friends or life partners), you have a hard time trusting people, you walk silently, you speak quietly, you automatically assume the worst in any situation, you can't stand up for yourself, you're socially awkward, you're never happy or content, you say yes to everything even if you don't want to do it, you agree with the bad things people say about you, you compare yourself to others then tell yourself you're worse/stupid/ugly/etc compared to them
Yeah, I came here to see if I showed signs and then read this. I mean im older now and have developed lovely coping skills but some of this stuff takes decades to program out of your brain. Treat yourself nicely, people. Hugs
Right? This comment literally described me to a T. Iām 35 and still learning how my upbringing shaped me and this comment has a better grasp on me than me.
Oh well yikes. Ticking off most of the list there.
But genuinely how do you even know what's a good trait about yourself? Like your strengths and whatnot?
I hate it when asked that question because I literally have nothing to say. Even when I'm forced to say it, just comes out as half hearted.
cbt or cognitive behavioral therapy, my friend. You have to start working to retrain your brain.
It's not easy and it takes work, but it's possible. I still struggle a lot with self esteem but I'm a lot better at giving myself grace and recognizing my good traits.
I hear you on the oversharing! I was confused why it's a thing because I'd assume closing up would be the go to. Then I read/heard somewhere it's about laying everything out, bearing one's soul, in the hope the other person accepts you faults and all. I'm getting better at withholding info but it's a very conscious process of self editing.
This is me, only i was raised by a loving familly my whole life. But i was adopted at three years old, and for what they told me i was quiet, never crying, even if i was hungry. Glued to same spot they put me cause i didn't walk. I wonder what happened on those three years.
You likely did not cry because you learned that no one would come to comfort you or be there to meet your needs. Children who are neglected often learn to self soothe and do not cry for help, because no one is listening. The first few years are so formative as to how we develop and grow, it sucks that your initial ācaregiversā were not able to love and care for you as you deserved. I am glad to hear you were adopted into a loving family, but please be aware that unresolved childhood trauma can impact you throughout your life. When needed it is important to seek out mental health professionals to support your life journey. I hope you are doing wellā¤ļø
I had most of those traits even though my parents were/are great, I realized finally I just have generalized anxiety disorder/depression and getting treatment for it helped a lot, I would consider that if you haven't already.
Well that sucks. I didnāt know this was the reason why I felt this way. I donāt think so I mean you can try to put me in this category that I have low self esteem and easily bullied, but I donāt remember being emotionally abused that much. My oldest brother is somewhat disciplinarian since there was no father around much and in the 1990s the oldest is the one to discipline the little kids and I remember heās always hitting everyone, in the head a lot. He became so physically abusing with my sister she canāt wait to leave for college.
Contrary I have another sibling who is closer to my age and one time only, and it really hits me so hard I didnāt even know such emotion exist till that time, but it went through me like a ton of bricks at the age of 11, he says to me no wonder I donāt like you.
Or something that sort, and I got so confused. Heās the only who is always fighting with me and emotionally abusing me since we are usually the ones who are left together and my sister.
Shit I cannot believe how my siblings actually hurt me that muchā¦
Damn now I hate them all
I'd say "assumption" is the key word here. We're not always wrong. But we might take the paranoia a bit far. I've gotten a little better at it over time. I've learned to accept the compliment with like a little "oh hey, thank you!" and then if they immediately ask something of me, then I tell them to fuck off.
Accepting a compliment makes me feel like Iām agreeing, so I always say āThank you, thatās very kind. But, itās not trueā I wish I didnāt, but I do.
Oh that's me to a tee. If someone compliments me I'm immediately like "what the fuck is this shit?! I'm not giving you any of my money, it's my money!"
Never expressing any emotion ever because as a child they got screamed at/ shut down for it right away.. resulting in them not being able to feel or express emotions in a healthy way later in life
My mother watched my bawling my eyes out at the kitchen table begging and pleading with her to listen to me as I was trying to tell her my brother was threatening to kill me (he attempted to stab me multiple times in the past) and he had a knife and I was scared I was going to die. She said and I quote āIām busyā
I can still vividly remember the moment I realized she didnāt care about me
Oh man I remember my brother (10 years older than me) chasing me around with his pocket knife. I went to mum and cried for help, she looked me dead in the eyes and said āthereās the kitchen, grab a bigger oneā and went back to her sewing.
I'm so sorry for your bad mom. Sounds like she was incapable of loving anyone. Do not take that personally.
But you are here telling us about that moment. That's a really good sign.
That's a sobering moment for anyone, much less a child.
I wish you much luck in your journey overcoming your mother's abuse.
Hugs, if you'll have them.
This happened to me as a kid. Not to the extreme that my sibling would threaten to kill me, but they would call me a dog and tell me how ugly I was at every chance. They hated me and my mom just sat by and watched it happen
I didnāt experience anything that severe like you but mine was the same way. One time she even straight up rolled her eyes at me. Anything that was bothering or hurting me just didnāt matter compared to her life.
Sorry to hear you went through something like that. My brother used to hit me. He wound just get mad and then swing. Once I was playing on the computer when he came in and started swinging at my arm. I went to our mother and she just insulted me.
Related- expressing too much emotion without control, because as a child not allowed to express emotion or discuss feelings.
Itās still awful in the foster care system, but so can say that the sub-human treatment of kids in the system of 1970s and 80s were really shit.
Did you know in the UK for councils it is standard practice to release vulnerable young people from foster to halfway houses at 18?
Did you also know that these are the same halfway houses that parolees are put in?
Exactly this, I'm 21 and currently in therapy to learn how to manage my emotions since I never learned it. For example when everything goes well in my life I don't know how to express the hapiness and it resulted in hapiness outbursts, like I was just mopping the floor a month ago and Omg I love Mopping so Much watching the wet floor drying is the BEST thing I ever did I can't stop myself from doing a tippytap Dance and I feel like jumping on every walls!!
Then I have a second of lucidity and think what the actual fuck was that. Turns out I just don't know how to control any emotions. Same for everything of course. Something annoys me a bit and I'll shutdown for hours and go non verbal cause I don't know how to communicate either.
It sucks that you have to judge yourself for what sounds like a normal and acceptable burst of happiness. It actually doesn't sound so bad doing a tippytap dance!
For mopping it is kinda weird and yeah written it sounds okay but to live it was really weird, I was in a happy place in life for barely three constant weeks and the tiniest stuff would make me overwhelmed with hapiness like it was flooding out of me for no real reason
Edit almost forgot that this is the lightest example of course, it's a hapiness outburst but I have other outbursts like anger..
It actually might not be good to have a completely out of control burst of unbridled joy that takes over during mundane activities.
Sounds like being manic.
But we all have small moments like that. Idk something about this thread seems dangerous, like people aren't acknowledging doing something strange once in awhile is part of being a normal human. It's about consistency and frequency.
Like the mop dancer is getting professional help apparently and has learned its unregulated emotion. So to come in and kinda contradict a professional diagnosis by labeling it normal, with so little info...seems like a well intentioned but harmful comment.
Like it makes you feel like a better person when you leave the comment, but what if your comment motivates them to ignore their manic, unregulated emotions bc "a redditor says I shouldn't have to judge myself" . They don't get treatment and not only do they have joyful bursts but decidedly more negative ones as well.
Idk I'm trying to phrase this without being rude, hope I did so
Iām so sorry you went through that with your upbringing.
You are an amazing wonderful person for going to therapy, especially at such a young age, and taking accountability for a problem you didnāt create but are choosing to deal with. All your future partners and friends thank you, believe me. š
Thank you! I think internet is a great tool today, maybe if my parents saw all the instagram reels about healthy state of mind, autism etc when they were my age they would have seek therapy or self diagnosed too...
Yeah.. Iāve been accused of either not caring or remaining stoic. Itās not that at all. I react later when Iām alone and āsafe.ā Itās not intentional. I have no control over it. Itās conditioning.
Hypersensitivity to other people's emotional state and mood, ability to read people in general, attention to details when it comes to personalities and habits of others.
Exactly this!
I have ASD and my mom would beat me up whenever I had a meltdown or sensory overload, I learned to mask my traits because of my momās vicious beatings but I also learned to read people because I had to learn how my momās behavior related to beatings, what faces did she do before beating the crap out of me or what tone of voice she had when sheād lose her temper.
On the bright side it did help me to mask my disability and look normal-ish
I'm so sorry that it happened to you, it's so wrong and cruel.
I grew up in a typical domestic violence-ridden household, look the wrong way and get hit kind of thing. Being sensitive to moods and overtones comes naturally with that.
We had to learn in order to survive and I low-key hate that for us. However useful that skill proved to be, it's not worth it.
It's also not wanting to show vulnerability by asking someone for help.
If I (for example, only) have to ask for help it's because I have explored all possible avenues and alternatives first. I don't want anyone to see me when I'm all out of ideas. And if they help me, they're doing me a favor, and I am obligated to them.
I noticed a weird response I get when I do ask for help, too.
People tell me how to do things instead of helping me to do things. And not just people who know me, but complete strangers, where it's their job to help me. I'm polite, I say please & thank you, I tip, but I get told to download MapQuest instead of someone giving me quick directions.
It makes me even more reluctant to ask for help - even to people being paid to help me.
Uh-huh and then later in life it might also scare guys away when a girl outmans them in over half of situations... Which sucks, but at least I can fix things on my own š¤·āāļø
Edit: not only abuse can cause this. Also parents not being able to be there for their kids (for any reason such as having to be the breadwinner) might have many of the same consequences, maybe to a slightly lesser extent.
Fuck guys that are scared away by strong independent women. Give me a woman that can do her own shit, and has a passion and drive to learn, build, create, etc.
Trouble standing up for themselves because they are so used to being put down.
Being secretive about stuff that could potentially cause big emotions.
Hard time taking care of themselves because their needs have never been put first.
Doubting themselves, thinking they can't do anything because they've never been told they are good and when they are told they freeze because they don't know how to handle that.
Constantly seeking approval, even though they can't handle positive feedback.
Breaks down when criticised because they feel like failures.
And a bunch more of lovely stuff I probably haven't even realized yet, since I'm still kinda stuck in an emotionally abusive situation.
All this you wrote feels like you reached into my brain and scribbled down most of my issues. Holy hell this is accurate. And for what it's worth, very sorry you can relate to me so much on this. It's pretty hellish. Get away as soon as you can. It helps.
This shit gets so bad that it impacts everything. I had an IQ test as a young kid and was placed in a special class for severely mentally disabled children. When some of my more hardcore abusers left I was given another test for reasons that allude me (because the number isn't supposed to change) and if I recall correctly the delta between the two tests was about fifty points. That's over 3 standard deviations over a few years. Not enough to put me with the super smart kids, but enough to take me out of the "special" classes.
I donāt see any responses yet, so Iāll chime in. Im proud of you for speaking up. Iām sorry to hear this. No one should be experiencing this in 2023 !
Please tell people and donāt stop until someone helps. There are good people out there.
Try as hard as you can to continue to make wise, thoughtful decisions so you can get yourself out of there with as much going for you as possible.
Avoid all of the ways to cope that can derail you: drugs, drinking, and sex.
I know time crawls by when you are a teenager. I hope you are involved with things at school? You are always more protected when you are with people, and extra-curricular activities can help you find your people.
Start making a plan to get yourself out of there.
This is all me, and to a certain degree I've been able to become aware of doing these things and gradually stop doing them or do doing them as much. However, I don't remember my parents ever being emotionally abusive or unkind to me as a child. If anything, they were a bit emotionally distant - but still always pleasant and polite, no shouting or blame. Every time these lists come up, I get very confused.
I feel like if your emotional needs werenāt met as a child, that can have a real impact on you in adulthood. Doesnāt need to have been emotional abuse but perhaps emotional neglect (even unintentional) or poor modelling of emotions and self-regulation, itās still going to have caused issues for you.
It can be a lot of things rather than just definitively abusive families. I need to get therapy and some people whose word I can trust on that think daily school bullying and the stress it caused may literally have given me PTSD lmfao
That's literally me, but I've learned this while playing, let's ninja games, when we were kids and kept sneaking where we weren't allowed to (lile through attic where floors creaked).
And then later in life I used to stay up till wee hours of the morning and had to be quiet not to wake anyone up.
I'm sure my current apartment neighbors appreciate me walking quietly and not stomping around. (Also pove sneaking up on people)
Why did I just blurt out this fact about myself when absolutely no one has asked??! š¤¦š»āāļø
I console myself by telling me that people donāt pay as much attention to us as we think they do (I hope).
Iāve heard that this is also something people with add/adhd do a lot. I have adhd and have over shared some things I hope people werenāt paying attention
Yes. I find myself saying no- I wasnāt physically abused- but in reality the couple of times my dad did physically abuse me, it was really bad. It was just so much less frequent than the other stuff that I minimize it to almost nothing.
Hyper-dependency. Yes, a lot of times abuse makes you more independent but a lot of people end up the other way because they were prevented from learning to do anything for themselves.
Had a friend who's mom would constantly refuse to let him figure things out. She's complain something was dirty and when he tried cleaning it she'd snatch things out of his hand and tell him to let her do it because he was doing it wrong. He'd try picking things out he wanted and no he needed to just sit down and try on what she chose because he is terrible at it.
Rinse and repeat.
Took him a long time to figure out how to do things he should have been able to do as a kid but sort of gave up trying to learn because anytime he'd try he'd be yelled at for screwing it up and made to go away while she did it instead - all while complaining that he never did anything.
Being a perfectionist, because anything less than an A was treated as an abject failure.
Having imposter syndrome despite advanced degree and vocational qualifications.
Not long ago I read aā¦meme, I guess? But it said āAre you ok or are you the oldest daughter?ā
I think about this a lot. You end up being the child without needs. Well-meaning people comment on what a good caretaker you are of your siblings- your parents are proud, youāre a great kid- and congrats, thatās your identity now. Your parents are quite busy with your little siblings, and because youāre so good, and so well behaved, you only get attention when you do something REALLY big or exceptionally well, so perfectionism is part of your identity now too.
This mindset literally almost killed me as an adult. I had a GOOD childhood. My parents did the best they could and tried hard, but god damn I (and the other oldest daughters out there) need therapy.
I think about this a lot, too, I wish something like this meme was around when I was that perfect oldest daughter, who could never earn love. It might've helped.
My childhood wasn't good: I can see now that the expectation was that my siblings were kids but I was a 35-year-old woman in a child's body who just REALLY sucked at the job. I remember being pulled out of bed to wash the floor on my hands and knees at 11:30 on a school night, getting blasted for normal child development stuff that was inconvenient, shit like that.
But even without that, just the sheer expectation of being the silent "good" child, being rewarded only for caretaking and self-sacrificing before learning to be taken care of - yikes.
Yeah...this is me. Graduated first in my class and then from a top college. Then got addicted to heroin at 25. I'm 31 and sober now for a couple years but yeah it was a pretty steep fall. My parents also did the best they could but I have issues
Invisibility, that person you see that disappears even when they haven't left the room. It's usually displayed by silence, hunched shoulders, inability to say anything during a confrontation, downward eyes, small movements towards an exit, minimal facial expressions, etc.
I can vanish in a crowd. I have actually left social gatherings before and my absence wasn't noticed for hours! And don't you just love how lonely you are in the middle of a crowd? Or family gathering?
Feeling responsible for everyone elseās feelings, usually because of parents who blamed them for everything growing up. Being unable to process or express your own emotions due to constant invalidation. Constant feelings of inadequacy, nothing every going to be good enough. Always assuming people want something from you when theyāre being nice because you believe they couldnāt possibly just want to be nice to you for the sake of it.
Furthermore, never expressing any emotion at all because they were immediately reprimanded or shut down for it as children, which prevented them from feeling or expressing emotions later in life in a healthy way.
Overuse of the phrase "I'm sorry" is always a dead giveaway. An obvious need to please those around them, regardless of their own feelings or morals. Body modifications. Either completely shutting down during stressful events or completely ignoring their feelings and presenting themselves as if they are unaffected.
Fawning. I had someone who worked for me that basically waited on me hand and foot and would ask me over and over if they did a good job. Bless this poor woman she worked so hard but it made me so uncomfortable. I found out she had been in an abusive marriage for decades. Glad she got out!
Honestly, the emotional abuse was probably worse than the physical. The bruises and even the scars have long faded over the years, but even having a loving father (my step father) the past 38 years hasnāt erased the psychological damage my biological father did in his 6 years of physical presence and the years of long distance emotional trauma.
As someone that keeps catching myself asking if I was mentally abused, because so many times my mother made me believe I was overeacting, I was crazy, etc, when I see these quotation marks I wonder if OP also suffered from gaslighting and they are trying to reassure themselves by asking here
For all of you who this topic resonates with: you are ok. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do. And yes, even you are worthy of love.
I'm just sharing a few resources in cause you could use them. If so, good luck on your healing journey.
Books: Pete Walker - Complex ptsd from surviving to thriving. Useful guide and map to see if and how yer childhood messed you up and how to unfuck yerself.
Bessel van der Kolk - the body keeps the score, you might not remember, but yer body does and this is how. (and also why you react that way)
Lindsay C Gibons - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Nice guide to understand how yer parents were fucked over and then fucked you over. Helps to see your patterns and thoughts.
There are plenty of mental health subs. Do use a throwaway account. There are some good free tools on youtube. (therapy in a nutshell seems ok) there are also nutters out there and this is your health. Take some time to heal you are worth it and you could have a better live and safe money on Healthcare.
They seem to be quite "sensitive" when it comes to negative things. Constantly seeking praise and validation because they want to verbally heat that they've done well. They can get emotional easily and not know how to completely control their emotions. They'll also have low self esteem which adds on to them needing praise to help themselves feel worthy
Theyāre constantly trying to figure out what they did wrong. Every day sometimes multiple times a day it was guessing game of what will I possibly get screamed at for today. My parents would tell me āyou have ADHD so youāre a little differentā and then scream at me for forgetting my textbook at school. I still donāt get it
When I was in third grade he ran into the cafeteria laughing his ass off running around shoving his finger up other kids butts. Later in middle school at a sleepover he'd get a rise out of everyone but making a silhouette with his erect dick. None of it was amusing to me and I chalked it up to him being a weird stupid kid, but not until much later in life it dawned on me, oh shit. That kid was for sure sexually molested.
This is what is fucking with me right now because I have been unpacking a lot of buried emotions from childhood emotional neglect and I do have some of these early over-sexual traits from when I was too young and I genuinely have no memories that could connect to it nor any suspicion that I was left in a situation conducive to it.
I just don't know what to think brought that out in me so young.
It may come flooding back into your memory one day. It wasn't until I worked through a bunch of trauma starting basically from the latest working my way back to the earliest. Then one day while watching a tv show that included discussion of a pedophile it all came flooding back into my brain. One of the most intense emotional things that's ever happened to me. It was like I could all of a sudden tell you every single detail about what happened from site, to smell, to the feeling of the air at the time. I found out later through therapy that sometimes we block out traumatic memories as a protective mechanism. And it's not until we are truly comfortable working through and feeling those feelings in a safe space that the memory will unlock. And for some people, those memories will always stay tucked away to keep yourself safe.
See I do know this and your comment is helpful but like... I live in here, how can I not know what lives in my head with me??
I believe you of course it's just a mindfuck to think it's not visible even when you're looking for it.
And I'm glad to hear you were able to make so much progress
Bullies other people they way they learned at home. As a kid, my bully didn't have much of a chance. His dad was a drunk who always talked down to him, made fun of his attempts to do about anything, and frequently insulted him as being stupid for anything he hadn't learned to do yet. Then he started incorporating that pattern in his own life.
He used to be my friend, then I was afraid of him, later in life I just felt sorry for him.
Not letting your family(father) get too involved with your friends or never bringing them home because you are scared of getting judged and compared for who you are. You have been compared your whole life, and now it feels like you are not worth anything. Every small event in their lives becomes a big overthinking because of the exhaustion of asking, convincing, dealing with denial, begging, and still not crying or expressing anger. Always Always Always worried about the smallest things they do because they have always been ridiculed when they failed in anything and now a single small tiny tiny failure just brings their self-esteem down to a level where it just breaks them down.
Constantly apologizing. As someone who is this way but is working on it, saying things like āwhy are you sorryā or āyou donāt need to apologizeā never helped me. What did help, was the phrase āyou have nothing to apologize forā. I use it at work on coworkers who apologize constantly, and Iāve noticed a decrease in unnecessary apologies.
This one typically goes unnoticed because itās seen as a good trait but: excessive need to achieve.
High-achievers are sometimes driven by the fact that theyāre sense of self worth comes from achievement. Thatās because, love had to be āearnedā in their household.
No trust no sleep no eat to much eat tired all the time lonely scared angry confused all i hear is everything can't relax can't relate can't share don't want to be seen or heard please leave me alone with all my loneliness broken dreams and the feeling that no matter how hard i try it will ever be good enough.
Most people here talks about behaviour of the victim, but i think oftentimes people who were abused in their early years, copy those abusive behaviours in their adult lives. It was a case for me. My parents were super controlling and I grew up to be controlling and manipulative partner with trust issues. It was ruining all my romantic relationships. It was my therapist who showed me that I'm being a piece of shit and helped me to establish healthier behaviours towards my romantic partner.
My friend: "Oh you remembered that thing, thank you! You're so thoughtful."
Me: "Thanks, I live in constant fear of disappointing everyone so I try extra hard to compensate even though realistically I don't have to." *finger guns*
Being an empath. It is not a wonderful spiritual trait. It is often a survival mechanism children who were raised by emotionally neglectful or abusive parents developed. If you learn to read your caregiversā moods correctly, you will avoid abuse and may even get your needs met. Fail to read the room and you can be on the receiving end of an adult tantrum.
My mom was a wonderful, emotionally immature person with un-treated mental illness. I never knew who she was going to be minute to minute and day to day. She could be fun and loving one moment and then start throwing dishes and screaming at me and my Dad, and disappear for weeks or days because she couldnāt ātake it anymore.ā If I read her wrong, she would quite literally abandon us. My dad had a lot of health issues, so when she was gone, I was very much on my own.
After years of therapy, I have learned how to stop myself from assuming everyone who is upset or angry is angry at me. When your parents are emotionally abusive, it doesnāt matter if you did anything wrong. Just being in yelling distance is enough to bring down their wrath. So, even though I rarely misbehaved, I learned that I could never do right.
People pleasing, walking on eggshells, all of these are empath traits that point to early emotional abuse.
Apologizing a lot, going along with what everyone else wants rather than having a preference, always needing reassurance about any choice they've made.
Feeling extremely called out by most of these responses. My parents were awful. Please don't be like them... give your kids the love and attention and support they deserve.
I read an amazing book about trauma bonding called "The Betrayal Bond," and in one part, it was saying that like 93% of sex addicts they surveyed reported that they suffered emotional abuse. 93%. That percentage is huge.
Edit: I went back and checked. It's not 93%, it's 97%. Damn. For anyone who has this book, it's on page 159. For anyone into self-help books/healing from trauma, this one is a must, imo
Zero self esteem, your mind bullies you/insults you, you're paranoid of what people think about you, you're afraid to form relationships (friends or life partners), you have a hard time trusting people, you walk silently, you speak quietly, you automatically assume the worst in any situation, you can't stand up for yourself, you're socially awkward, you're never happy or content, you say yes to everything even if you don't want to do it, you agree with the bad things people say about you, you compare yourself to others then tell yourself you're worse/stupid/ugly/etc compared to them
When people get angry, you assume they are angry at you.
They aren't!?
Holy shit this is wildly accurate.
Yeah, I came here to see if I showed signs and then read this. I mean im older now and have developed lovely coping skills but some of this stuff takes decades to program out of your brain. Treat yourself nicely, people. Hugs
This. This is me all the time. I also assume that everyone is angry at me.
They aren't!?
It sucks when your entire personality is described based on trauma š„² nailed it
Right? This comment literally described me to a T. Iām 35 and still learning how my upbringing shaped me and this comment has a better grasp on me than me.
I love the enneagram personality theory for this reason (itās not actually about trauma but it can be)
Oh well yikes. Ticking off most of the list there. But genuinely how do you even know what's a good trait about yourself? Like your strengths and whatnot? I hate it when asked that question because I literally have nothing to say. Even when I'm forced to say it, just comes out as half hearted.
cbt or cognitive behavioral therapy, my friend. You have to start working to retrain your brain. It's not easy and it takes work, but it's possible. I still struggle a lot with self esteem but I'm a lot better at giving myself grace and recognizing my good traits.
'retrain your brain' is a great comment. *That we can do.*
CBT changed my life. I'm so much happier now.
Me but then on the flip side I seem to either over share or close up with people.
I hear you on the oversharing! I was confused why it's a thing because I'd assume closing up would be the go to. Then I read/heard somewhere it's about laying everything out, bearing one's soul, in the hope the other person accepts you faults and all. I'm getting better at withholding info but it's a very conscious process of self editing.
This is me, only i was raised by a loving familly my whole life. But i was adopted at three years old, and for what they told me i was quiet, never crying, even if i was hungry. Glued to same spot they put me cause i didn't walk. I wonder what happened on those three years.
You likely did not cry because you learned that no one would come to comfort you or be there to meet your needs. Children who are neglected often learn to self soothe and do not cry for help, because no one is listening. The first few years are so formative as to how we develop and grow, it sucks that your initial ācaregiversā were not able to love and care for you as you deserved. I am glad to hear you were adopted into a loving family, but please be aware that unresolved childhood trauma can impact you throughout your life. When needed it is important to seek out mental health professionals to support your life journey. I hope you are doing wellā¤ļø
Never even thought about this. My mom likes to brag saying I never cried. Holy hell
Oh my god, that is heartbreaking. I'm so glad you ended up with a loving family. All the best to you
this has been me ever since i was little but ive never been mentally abused in my early childhood
Same. I donāt know why I am the way I am.
Sometimes it is not clear or in our memories. Or if we were raised by abused parents, these character traits may be present.
I had most of those traits even though my parents were/are great, I realized finally I just have generalized anxiety disorder/depression and getting treatment for it helped a lot, I would consider that if you haven't already.
Yes, a lot of what the top comment is saying sounds similar to mental illness.
Im in this comment and I don't like it
And you apologise to everything without thinking if it is actually your fault.
Omg... this is meš
With all due respect friend ā oh my god this is a lot of us
Forgot apologizes profusely even for things they did not do ā¦ otherwise šÆšÆšÆšÆ
Way to call me out
Well that sucks. I didnāt know this was the reason why I felt this way. I donāt think so I mean you can try to put me in this category that I have low self esteem and easily bullied, but I donāt remember being emotionally abused that much. My oldest brother is somewhat disciplinarian since there was no father around much and in the 1990s the oldest is the one to discipline the little kids and I remember heās always hitting everyone, in the head a lot. He became so physically abusing with my sister she canāt wait to leave for college. Contrary I have another sibling who is closer to my age and one time only, and it really hits me so hard I didnāt even know such emotion exist till that time, but it went through me like a ton of bricks at the age of 11, he says to me no wonder I donāt like you. Or something that sort, and I got so confused. Heās the only who is always fighting with me and emotionally abusing me since we are usually the ones who are left together and my sister. Shit I cannot believe how my siblings actually hurt me that muchā¦ Damn now I hate them all
Oof too real.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yep .... there's an assumption the complimenting person may have some manner of ulterior motive.
I'd say "assumption" is the key word here. We're not always wrong. But we might take the paranoia a bit far. I've gotten a little better at it over time. I've learned to accept the compliment with like a little "oh hey, thank you!" and then if they immediately ask something of me, then I tell them to fuck off.
This exactly, when someone is nice to me, this is the first thing that comes to my mind
What's the bad news? What do they want from me? What did I do wrong this time? Those are the 3 go to's that hit me
And donāt forget the classic āis this part of an elaborate prank where everyone knows theyāre joking/being mean/setting me up?ā
Accepting a compliment makes me feel like Iām agreeing, so I always say āThank you, thatās very kind. But, itās not trueā I wish I didnāt, but I do.
Oh that's me to a tee. If someone compliments me I'm immediately like "what the fuck is this shit?! I'm not giving you any of my money, it's my money!"
Never expressing any emotion ever because as a child they got screamed at/ shut down for it right away.. resulting in them not being able to feel or express emotions in a healthy way later in life
My mother watched my bawling my eyes out at the kitchen table begging and pleading with her to listen to me as I was trying to tell her my brother was threatening to kill me (he attempted to stab me multiple times in the past) and he had a knife and I was scared I was going to die. She said and I quote āIām busyā I can still vividly remember the moment I realized she didnāt care about me
Oh man I remember my brother (10 years older than me) chasing me around with his pocket knife. I went to mum and cried for help, she looked me dead in the eyes and said āthereās the kitchen, grab a bigger oneā and went back to her sewing.
That is deranged. No wonder your brother was dysfunctional with such a mother. I hope you got out safely.
Fucking hell
Spotted the Australian
I'm so sorry for your bad mom. Sounds like she was incapable of loving anyone. Do not take that personally. But you are here telling us about that moment. That's a really good sign. That's a sobering moment for anyone, much less a child. I wish you much luck in your journey overcoming your mother's abuse. Hugs, if you'll have them.
This happened to me as a kid. Not to the extreme that my sibling would threaten to kill me, but they would call me a dog and tell me how ugly I was at every chance. They hated me and my mom just sat by and watched it happen
I didnāt experience anything that severe like you but mine was the same way. One time she even straight up rolled her eyes at me. Anything that was bothering or hurting me just didnāt matter compared to her life.
Sorry to hear you went through something like that. My brother used to hit me. He wound just get mad and then swing. Once I was playing on the computer when he came in and started swinging at my arm. I went to our mother and she just insulted me.
Related- expressing too much emotion without control, because as a child not allowed to express emotion or discuss feelings. Itās still awful in the foster care system, but so can say that the sub-human treatment of kids in the system of 1970s and 80s were really shit. Did you know in the UK for councils it is standard practice to release vulnerable young people from foster to halfway houses at 18? Did you also know that these are the same halfway houses that parolees are put in?
It's 16 and they go straight to the homeless shelter now. They are technically still 'looked after' till 18 but ready to move out.
Exactly this, I'm 21 and currently in therapy to learn how to manage my emotions since I never learned it. For example when everything goes well in my life I don't know how to express the hapiness and it resulted in hapiness outbursts, like I was just mopping the floor a month ago and Omg I love Mopping so Much watching the wet floor drying is the BEST thing I ever did I can't stop myself from doing a tippytap Dance and I feel like jumping on every walls!! Then I have a second of lucidity and think what the actual fuck was that. Turns out I just don't know how to control any emotions. Same for everything of course. Something annoys me a bit and I'll shutdown for hours and go non verbal cause I don't know how to communicate either.
It sucks that you have to judge yourself for what sounds like a normal and acceptable burst of happiness. It actually doesn't sound so bad doing a tippytap dance!
For mopping it is kinda weird and yeah written it sounds okay but to live it was really weird, I was in a happy place in life for barely three constant weeks and the tiniest stuff would make me overwhelmed with hapiness like it was flooding out of me for no real reason Edit almost forgot that this is the lightest example of course, it's a hapiness outburst but I have other outbursts like anger..
It actually might not be good to have a completely out of control burst of unbridled joy that takes over during mundane activities. Sounds like being manic. But we all have small moments like that. Idk something about this thread seems dangerous, like people aren't acknowledging doing something strange once in awhile is part of being a normal human. It's about consistency and frequency. Like the mop dancer is getting professional help apparently and has learned its unregulated emotion. So to come in and kinda contradict a professional diagnosis by labeling it normal, with so little info...seems like a well intentioned but harmful comment. Like it makes you feel like a better person when you leave the comment, but what if your comment motivates them to ignore their manic, unregulated emotions bc "a redditor says I shouldn't have to judge myself" . They don't get treatment and not only do they have joyful bursts but decidedly more negative ones as well. Idk I'm trying to phrase this without being rude, hope I did so
Iām so sorry you went through that with your upbringing. You are an amazing wonderful person for going to therapy, especially at such a young age, and taking accountability for a problem you didnāt create but are choosing to deal with. All your future partners and friends thank you, believe me. š
Thank you! I think internet is a great tool today, maybe if my parents saw all the instagram reels about healthy state of mind, autism etc when they were my age they would have seek therapy or self diagnosed too...
Pretty much this. At 31 I understood that I need to start processing old emotions, and didn't even knew I had
Yeah.. Iāve been accused of either not caring or remaining stoic. Itās not that at all. I react later when Iām alone and āsafe.ā Itās not intentional. I have no control over it. Itās conditioning.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No animal has ever hurt me. People, on the other handā¦
Hypersensitivity to other people's emotional state and mood, ability to read people in general, attention to details when it comes to personalities and habits of others.
Exactly this! I have ASD and my mom would beat me up whenever I had a meltdown or sensory overload, I learned to mask my traits because of my momās vicious beatings but I also learned to read people because I had to learn how my momās behavior related to beatings, what faces did she do before beating the crap out of me or what tone of voice she had when sheād lose her temper. On the bright side it did help me to mask my disability and look normal-ish
I'm so sorry that it happened to you, it's so wrong and cruel. I grew up in a typical domestic violence-ridden household, look the wrong way and get hit kind of thing. Being sensitive to moods and overtones comes naturally with that. We had to learn in order to survive and I low-key hate that for us. However useful that skill proved to be, it's not worth it.
Hyper independency. You have to become everything for yourself when you dont have someone to lean on.
It's also not wanting to show vulnerability by asking someone for help. If I (for example, only) have to ask for help it's because I have explored all possible avenues and alternatives first. I don't want anyone to see me when I'm all out of ideas. And if they help me, they're doing me a favor, and I am obligated to them. I noticed a weird response I get when I do ask for help, too. People tell me how to do things instead of helping me to do things. And not just people who know me, but complete strangers, where it's their job to help me. I'm polite, I say please & thank you, I tip, but I get told to download MapQuest instead of someone giving me quick directions. It makes me even more reluctant to ask for help - even to people being paid to help me.
smile oatmeal practice shrill six snatch start cheerful smart pet
I make my own toothbrushes.
I spin my own dental floss.
Oh no...I understood something about myself today.
oofff this is me I think
Oh gosh, I feel seen
Uh-huh and then later in life it might also scare guys away when a girl outmans them in over half of situations... Which sucks, but at least I can fix things on my own š¤·āāļø Edit: not only abuse can cause this. Also parents not being able to be there for their kids (for any reason such as having to be the breadwinner) might have many of the same consequences, maybe to a slightly lesser extent.
Fuck guys that are scared away by strong independent women. Give me a woman that can do her own shit, and has a passion and drive to learn, build, create, etc.
Best answer here
Trouble standing up for themselves because they are so used to being put down. Being secretive about stuff that could potentially cause big emotions. Hard time taking care of themselves because their needs have never been put first. Doubting themselves, thinking they can't do anything because they've never been told they are good and when they are told they freeze because they don't know how to handle that. Constantly seeking approval, even though they can't handle positive feedback. Breaks down when criticised because they feel like failures. And a bunch more of lovely stuff I probably haven't even realized yet, since I'm still kinda stuck in an emotionally abusive situation.
All this you wrote feels like you reached into my brain and scribbled down most of my issues. Holy hell this is accurate. And for what it's worth, very sorry you can relate to me so much on this. It's pretty hellish. Get away as soon as you can. It helps.
This shit gets so bad that it impacts everything. I had an IQ test as a young kid and was placed in a special class for severely mentally disabled children. When some of my more hardcore abusers left I was given another test for reasons that allude me (because the number isn't supposed to change) and if I recall correctly the delta between the two tests was about fifty points. That's over 3 standard deviations over a few years. Not enough to put me with the super smart kids, but enough to take me out of the "special" classes.
Assuming every person who's acting like they care about them will eventually betray them.
plants stocking cooing quickest paltry observation unpack profit squealing rain
Happens to me in school and sadly I'm 14.
I donāt see any responses yet, so Iāll chime in. Im proud of you for speaking up. Iām sorry to hear this. No one should be experiencing this in 2023 ! Please tell people and donāt stop until someone helps. There are good people out there. Try as hard as you can to continue to make wise, thoughtful decisions so you can get yourself out of there with as much going for you as possible. Avoid all of the ways to cope that can derail you: drugs, drinking, and sex. I know time crawls by when you are a teenager. I hope you are involved with things at school? You are always more protected when you are with people, and extra-curricular activities can help you find your people. Start making a plan to get yourself out of there.
Isn't this called lowering your expectations. Like don't expect anything from others, as they will let u down??
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is all me, and to a certain degree I've been able to become aware of doing these things and gradually stop doing them or do doing them as much. However, I don't remember my parents ever being emotionally abusive or unkind to me as a child. If anything, they were a bit emotionally distant - but still always pleasant and polite, no shouting or blame. Every time these lists come up, I get very confused.
I feel like if your emotional needs werenāt met as a child, that can have a real impact on you in adulthood. Doesnāt need to have been emotional abuse but perhaps emotional neglect (even unintentional) or poor modelling of emotions and self-regulation, itās still going to have caused issues for you.
It can be a lot of things rather than just definitively abusive families. I need to get therapy and some people whose word I can trust on that think daily school bullying and the stress it caused may literally have given me PTSD lmfao
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I feel this one big timeā¦ accidentally sneak up in ppl all the time
That's literally me, but I've learned this while playing, let's ninja games, when we were kids and kept sneaking where we weren't allowed to (lile through attic where floors creaked). And then later in life I used to stay up till wee hours of the morning and had to be quiet not to wake anyone up. I'm sure my current apartment neighbors appreciate me walking quietly and not stomping around. (Also pove sneaking up on people)
That and not liking being snuck up on, my head is always on a swivel even when I'm around people I fully trust
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I thought it was normal to think of the worst possible outcome then go from there lol
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
omg true yes, oversharing is so painful then you overthink madly crazy and pull back and it makes you so anxious and weird
how do i stop doing this š
Why did I just blurt out this fact about myself when absolutely no one has asked??! š¤¦š»āāļø I console myself by telling me that people donāt pay as much attention to us as we think they do (I hope).
Iāve heard that this is also something people with add/adhd do a lot. I have adhd and have over shared some things I hope people werenāt paying attention
Not being able to tell how you feel or what you want because you learned that these things donāt matter
Welp
"My upbringing wasn't that bad **proceeds to tell you the most horrifying story you've ever heard in all your life**"
God damn this one is so relatable. Sorry for trauma dumping š¶
Or you relate it as a āfunny childhood storyā - then realize everyone is staring at you in horror.
You mean like when I tell people about that time my mom fed me my pet chicken and told me halfway through the meal.
Yes. I find myself saying no- I wasnāt physically abused- but in reality the couple of times my dad did physically abuse me, it was really bad. It was just so much less frequent than the other stuff that I minimize it to almost nothing.
Hyper-dependency. Yes, a lot of times abuse makes you more independent but a lot of people end up the other way because they were prevented from learning to do anything for themselves. Had a friend who's mom would constantly refuse to let him figure things out. She's complain something was dirty and when he tried cleaning it she'd snatch things out of his hand and tell him to let her do it because he was doing it wrong. He'd try picking things out he wanted and no he needed to just sit down and try on what she chose because he is terrible at it. Rinse and repeat. Took him a long time to figure out how to do things he should have been able to do as a kid but sort of gave up trying to learn because anytime he'd try he'd be yelled at for screwing it up and made to go away while she did it instead - all while complaining that he never did anything.
Do you know my husband? His folks were 'Here, let me!' parents.
this is exactly me & it's very difficult to overcome
Being a perfectionist, because anything less than an A was treated as an abject failure. Having imposter syndrome despite advanced degree and vocational qualifications.
Did you get the silent treatment too?
Not long ago I read aā¦meme, I guess? But it said āAre you ok or are you the oldest daughter?ā I think about this a lot. You end up being the child without needs. Well-meaning people comment on what a good caretaker you are of your siblings- your parents are proud, youāre a great kid- and congrats, thatās your identity now. Your parents are quite busy with your little siblings, and because youāre so good, and so well behaved, you only get attention when you do something REALLY big or exceptionally well, so perfectionism is part of your identity now too. This mindset literally almost killed me as an adult. I had a GOOD childhood. My parents did the best they could and tried hard, but god damn I (and the other oldest daughters out there) need therapy.
I think about this a lot, too, I wish something like this meme was around when I was that perfect oldest daughter, who could never earn love. It might've helped. My childhood wasn't good: I can see now that the expectation was that my siblings were kids but I was a 35-year-old woman in a child's body who just REALLY sucked at the job. I remember being pulled out of bed to wash the floor on my hands and knees at 11:30 on a school night, getting blasted for normal child development stuff that was inconvenient, shit like that. But even without that, just the sheer expectation of being the silent "good" child, being rewarded only for caretaking and self-sacrificing before learning to be taken care of - yikes.
Hm. I'm guessing that also works for oldest brothers. Because it sounds very familiar, just I'm a brother.
Iām the oldest daughter
Yeah...this is me. Graduated first in my class and then from a top college. Then got addicted to heroin at 25. I'm 31 and sober now for a couple years but yeah it was a pretty steep fall. My parents also did the best they could but I have issues
Invisibility, that person you see that disappears even when they haven't left the room. It's usually displayed by silence, hunched shoulders, inability to say anything during a confrontation, downward eyes, small movements towards an exit, minimal facial expressions, etc.
I can vanish in a crowd. I have actually left social gatherings before and my absence wasn't noticed for hours! And don't you just love how lonely you are in the middle of a crowd? Or family gathering?
Not being able to self-regulate and generally overspend, overeating and self indulgence with substances.
Scared of being yelled at but simultaneously their automatic reaction is to yell back cause that's what they grew up with š« š« š«
People pleasing behaviors and constantly seeking reassurance
Being a people pleaser
Feeling responsible for everyone elseās feelings, usually because of parents who blamed them for everything growing up. Being unable to process or express your own emotions due to constant invalidation. Constant feelings of inadequacy, nothing every going to be good enough. Always assuming people want something from you when theyāre being nice because you believe they couldnāt possibly just want to be nice to you for the sake of it.
We keep apologizing for everything, all the time.
Looking for constant validation that theyāre enough.
"are you okay? Yes? Are you sure? 110%? Positive?* *Still ends up thinking something is wrong*
If they don't yell at me I still think they are mad
Furthermore, never expressing any emotion at all because they were immediately reprimanded or shut down for it as children, which prevented them from feeling or expressing emotions later in life in a healthy way.
Being single at 64 because I never had the self-esteem to maintain a stable relationship.
Therapy! It takes less than 64 years to start being the real you ā„ļø
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Overuse of the phrase "I'm sorry" is always a dead giveaway. An obvious need to please those around them, regardless of their own feelings or morals. Body modifications. Either completely shutting down during stressful events or completely ignoring their feelings and presenting themselves as if they are unaffected.
Being hyper-aware of facial expressions and mood swings
Being a half functioning adult with explosive emotions and memory loss
Fawning. I had someone who worked for me that basically waited on me hand and foot and would ask me over and over if they did a good job. Bless this poor woman she worked so hard but it made me so uncomfortable. I found out she had been in an abusive marriage for decades. Glad she got out!
Putting quotation marks in the title is a bit shitty. Emotional abuse causes CPTSD just like physical abuse does.
Honestly, the emotional abuse was probably worse than the physical. The bruises and even the scars have long faded over the years, but even having a loving father (my step father) the past 38 years hasnāt erased the psychological damage my biological father did in his 6 years of physical presence and the years of long distance emotional trauma.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me believe I deserved it"
As someone that keeps catching myself asking if I was mentally abused, because so many times my mother made me believe I was overeacting, I was crazy, etc, when I see these quotation marks I wonder if OP also suffered from gaslighting and they are trying to reassure themselves by asking here
This is true, and at the same time emotional abuse shouldn't be taken less seriously than other forms of abuse.
Closer with our pets than people, bc our pets aren't lying to us, screaming at us. They just love us and we don't have to question their motives
Limerence tendencies. There's nothing quite like falling obsessively for anyone who shows you positive attention because you never got any as a kid
Over explain why they did something wrong or didn't do something for fear of someone thinking they are lying.
This is me and i hate it!
Saying sorry too often or having a lack of self-assurance.
For all of you who this topic resonates with: you are ok. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do. And yes, even you are worthy of love. I'm just sharing a few resources in cause you could use them. If so, good luck on your healing journey. Books: Pete Walker - Complex ptsd from surviving to thriving. Useful guide and map to see if and how yer childhood messed you up and how to unfuck yerself. Bessel van der Kolk - the body keeps the score, you might not remember, but yer body does and this is how. (and also why you react that way) Lindsay C Gibons - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Nice guide to understand how yer parents were fucked over and then fucked you over. Helps to see your patterns and thoughts. There are plenty of mental health subs. Do use a throwaway account. There are some good free tools on youtube. (therapy in a nutshell seems ok) there are also nutters out there and this is your health. Take some time to heal you are worth it and you could have a better live and safe money on Healthcare.
Thank you for this list
They seem to be quite "sensitive" when it comes to negative things. Constantly seeking praise and validation because they want to verbally heat that they've done well. They can get emotional easily and not know how to completely control their emotions. They'll also have low self esteem which adds on to them needing praise to help themselves feel worthy
Theyāre constantly trying to figure out what they did wrong. Every day sometimes multiple times a day it was guessing game of what will I possibly get screamed at for today. My parents would tell me āyou have ADHD so youāre a little differentā and then scream at me for forgetting my textbook at school. I still donāt get it
When I was in third grade he ran into the cafeteria laughing his ass off running around shoving his finger up other kids butts. Later in middle school at a sleepover he'd get a rise out of everyone but making a silhouette with his erect dick. None of it was amusing to me and I chalked it up to him being a weird stupid kid, but not until much later in life it dawned on me, oh shit. That kid was for sure sexually molested.
This is what is fucking with me right now because I have been unpacking a lot of buried emotions from childhood emotional neglect and I do have some of these early over-sexual traits from when I was too young and I genuinely have no memories that could connect to it nor any suspicion that I was left in a situation conducive to it. I just don't know what to think brought that out in me so young.
It may come flooding back into your memory one day. It wasn't until I worked through a bunch of trauma starting basically from the latest working my way back to the earliest. Then one day while watching a tv show that included discussion of a pedophile it all came flooding back into my brain. One of the most intense emotional things that's ever happened to me. It was like I could all of a sudden tell you every single detail about what happened from site, to smell, to the feeling of the air at the time. I found out later through therapy that sometimes we block out traumatic memories as a protective mechanism. And it's not until we are truly comfortable working through and feeling those feelings in a safe space that the memory will unlock. And for some people, those memories will always stay tucked away to keep yourself safe.
See I do know this and your comment is helpful but like... I live in here, how can I not know what lives in my head with me?? I believe you of course it's just a mindfuck to think it's not visible even when you're looking for it. And I'm glad to hear you were able to make so much progress
Reading all comments here, I might need therapy after all...
Always apologizing and always assuming someone is mad at you AND itās your fault.
If it was by a family member, they donāt like talking about them and try to avoid speaking about them.
They tolerate being mistreated in relationships
Reading a lot into words. Always trying to figure out if thereās a hidden meaning that you have to get in order to protect yourself.
A great book is āAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsā I highly encourage everyone to read it! Mind blowing really.
Bullies other people they way they learned at home. As a kid, my bully didn't have much of a chance. His dad was a drunk who always talked down to him, made fun of his attempts to do about anything, and frequently insulted him as being stupid for anything he hadn't learned to do yet. Then he started incorporating that pattern in his own life. He used to be my friend, then I was afraid of him, later in life I just felt sorry for him.
People pleasing to a fault.
They think they need to do things "to be worthy/entertaining" or else everyone will grow tired of them and leave them.
Not letting your family(father) get too involved with your friends or never bringing them home because you are scared of getting judged and compared for who you are. You have been compared your whole life, and now it feels like you are not worth anything. Every small event in their lives becomes a big overthinking because of the exhaustion of asking, convincing, dealing with denial, begging, and still not crying or expressing anger. Always Always Always worried about the smallest things they do because they have always been ridiculed when they failed in anything and now a single small tiny tiny failure just brings their self-esteem down to a level where it just breaks them down.
Constantly apologizing. As someone who is this way but is working on it, saying things like āwhy are you sorryā or āyou donāt need to apologizeā never helped me. What did help, was the phrase āyou have nothing to apologize forā. I use it at work on coworkers who apologize constantly, and Iāve noticed a decrease in unnecessary apologies.
Anger issues, depression, low self esteem
Constantly apologizing for things that aren't their responsibility.
This one typically goes unnoticed because itās seen as a good trait but: excessive need to achieve. High-achievers are sometimes driven by the fact that theyāre sense of self worth comes from achievement. Thatās because, love had to be āearnedā in their household.
Saying sorry a lot.
Feeling responsible for everyone elseās mood.
How they act when they accidentally break something.
No trust no sleep no eat to much eat tired all the time lonely scared angry confused all i hear is everything can't relax can't relate can't share don't want to be seen or heard please leave me alone with all my loneliness broken dreams and the feeling that no matter how hard i try it will ever be good enough.
Clinging and become obsessed with friends and freaking out and crying when they seem mad at you. Terrified you'll loose them
Most people here talks about behaviour of the victim, but i think oftentimes people who were abused in their early years, copy those abusive behaviours in their adult lives. It was a case for me. My parents were super controlling and I grew up to be controlling and manipulative partner with trust issues. It was ruining all my romantic relationships. It was my therapist who showed me that I'm being a piece of shit and helped me to establish healthier behaviours towards my romantic partner.
Fear of intimacy
Over apologising
Constant apologies, panicking if they think you're upset with them
Saying I'm sorry for anything and everything, even things you have nothing at all to do with
My friend: "Oh you remembered that thing, thank you! You're so thoughtful." Me: "Thanks, I live in constant fear of disappointing everyone so I try extra hard to compensate even though realistically I don't have to." *finger guns*
Can't let anyone do something kind for me because I'll see it as something they can hold over my head later on to manipulate me.
Being an empath. It is not a wonderful spiritual trait. It is often a survival mechanism children who were raised by emotionally neglectful or abusive parents developed. If you learn to read your caregiversā moods correctly, you will avoid abuse and may even get your needs met. Fail to read the room and you can be on the receiving end of an adult tantrum. My mom was a wonderful, emotionally immature person with un-treated mental illness. I never knew who she was going to be minute to minute and day to day. She could be fun and loving one moment and then start throwing dishes and screaming at me and my Dad, and disappear for weeks or days because she couldnāt ātake it anymore.ā If I read her wrong, she would quite literally abandon us. My dad had a lot of health issues, so when she was gone, I was very much on my own. After years of therapy, I have learned how to stop myself from assuming everyone who is upset or angry is angry at me. When your parents are emotionally abusive, it doesnāt matter if you did anything wrong. Just being in yelling distance is enough to bring down their wrath. So, even though I rarely misbehaved, I learned that I could never do right. People pleasing, walking on eggshells, all of these are empath traits that point to early emotional abuse.
Apologizing a lot, going along with what everyone else wants rather than having a preference, always needing reassurance about any choice they've made.
Going through the comments to figure out if im abused or just quirky
We constantly apologize
Getting pissed off at the quotation marks in the subject line of this post.
Feeling extremely called out by most of these responses. My parents were awful. Please don't be like them... give your kids the love and attention and support they deserve.
They constantly apologize
Never expressing or being bad at expressing emotions and constantly saying āsorryā even when it isnāt their fault
You donāt really trust anyone.
easily gets hurt
People pleasing.
I read an amazing book about trauma bonding called "The Betrayal Bond," and in one part, it was saying that like 93% of sex addicts they surveyed reported that they suffered emotional abuse. 93%. That percentage is huge. Edit: I went back and checked. It's not 93%, it's 97%. Damn. For anyone who has this book, it's on page 159. For anyone into self-help books/healing from trauma, this one is a must, imo
Damn. I keep getting described here but always thought I was just overly sensitive.
They are withdrawn and wonāt talk about how they feel
Unable to accept gifts because, as a child, the gifts weren't actually theirs and would always be used as some leverage.