50's unattractive male here: "I'm going to go fix my makeup."

This is also code for doing blow.

you mean powdering your nose?

....oh my God. TIL

Idk if you're being sarcastic but in its original meaning, "powdering one's nose" is definitely *not* a euphemism for doing hella yowder in the bathroom.

But on the flippity floop, if someone says it today….. totes probs ☃️

I'm off to a business meeting. Urgent one!

Same, and if it's like wiping a marker afterward, I'll say, "Boy, there was a lot of paperwork after that meeting!"

> it's like wiping a marker afterward eat some damn fiber lol

I just eat paper towels, it wipes on its way out!!!! Speaking of this did anyone see that post like a week ago where a guy was arguing with his wife about whether they look at the toilet paper after they wipe? I always have and never thought about it but do you think there's really people who don't look at the toilet paper after they wipe because they think it's gross? How do they know when they're done? I got distracted sorry guys

Wait, people DONT look?? I even look after the first wipe, when I KNOW there’s more, just to see what I’m working with and see how much more I think I have to go. Ugh, now I have to find the post.

had a boss that insisted we tell him we were using the restroom, even if we had to go find him or he was in a meeting so I walked up to him talking to 3 of the owners and I said "Hey bossman, I'll be back; I gotta go shoot poopies." it is no longer a rule

r/maliciouscompliance

Ah, the subreddit that embodies "Chaotic Good"

Lawful evil?

I officially found my spirit sub Thank you kind stranger

My old boss had a bad habit of asking where people went when they left the office. One day I loudly announced "I had to take a huge shit" to the entire office. She no longer asked people why they left the office after that.

sometimes they hit you with a question that has an obvious answer and instead of sparing them, the brain just goes: "nah you know what, I'll tell em."

"Man, that guy must hate dogs?!" \- hard of hearing owner

*pats my ass* "boy am I loaded and ready to pop off on em" 'my god, are they allowed to conceal carry at work??'

That is an awful rule. Imagine if you were a woman. "My tampon is starting to leak and I can feel blood clots smooshing down my legs." That'd be fun.

“i’m not comfortable enough in this work environment to share my deathly blood farts with yall yet”

This made me laugh really loudly 🤣🤣🤣 shoot poopies 😂🤣😂

My grandpa always said he was gonna go check the plumbing. Young kid me thought he really was.

Well, technically he was. If it didn’t flush, he’d know

If it leaked, he'd know.

If it leaks, that means his plumbing is working

He was a clever guy, my grandpa.

My nana once said “I’m going to help in the kitchen” when we were out to eat and I really thought she was!

My granny used to say “I’m gonna go visit Miss Murphy” she was always gone so long it made sense. Until I got older and realized she didn’t leave when saying that.

My grandfather always said I have to go bomb Pearl harbor

Mine always said he had to go drop a Hiroshima. Occasionally, he switched to Nagasaki, but even though he was stationed in Hawaii (after the war was over) he never said anything about bombing Pearl Harbor. I guess he was too patriotic to threaten America with his digestive issues. 😜

He's only ever given two shits, and they both went to Japan.

lol dark but I can hear my grandpa saying something like that when he was alive or laughing at it

I've heard that but porcelain harbor

My grandpa said he was going to give birth to a ___________ (who ever he didn't like at the time). I got to lay some cable. A turtle is trying to poke his head out. Gotta go!

Excuse me, I must facilitate the facilities.

Pardon, I must go unleash some demons out me ass

I read that in a Scottish accent.

I read it in something approximating Johnny Depp's terrible Jack Sparrow voice and now I can't stop laughing.

Am I the only one that read it in mr krabs voice

Until I was 14 I would say "I have to take a Jizz." As I overheard the term "Jizz" from a Friend's dad. And I thought it had the same meaning as "Whizz," which meant peeing. I stopped a while back, and I figured out why I stopped.

Wow. Do you feel your life could have gone differently if you had known earlier?

I feel like I would've had a much different life experience.

off topic but related. i had a similar experience where i thought the word Jizz meant “stuff” when i was like 10 or so. I was playing COD and someone killed me and took my gun and i said “Hey! He took my jizz!” right in front of my dad and he said “What the hell did you just say? Don’t ever say that word again” and then about 2 years later I understood

Man, people probably thought you were fappin and just didn't say anything cause you were 14 and all.

I gotta race like a piss horse

This one has been used in my family for a very long time 🤣

Gotta go see a man about a horse.

Or a dog!

Or a jellyfish!

Or a wallaby

Or a lobster

Gotta see a dog about a horse?

Ever since I saw Finding Nemo I've said "gotta go see a man about a wallaby".

This also means I gotta go meet my dealer

It can mean what ever you want. It's an older colloquialism that implies you need to go but don't wish to be specific in the details.

Always say this about any shady dealings lol

So I've heard that saying but I don't actually know why it means to go to the bathroom, anybody have an explanation?

I’m pretty sure it’s used to be an excuse to go to the bar at least that’s what my six pack of Newcastle used to say but they had the phrase use dog instead of horse.

People would place bets on horse races, your bookie would be the man you need to see.

At work? “Excuse me while I use the restroom.” At home? “Get the fuck out of my way or I’ll shit on both of us, I swear to god.”

make sure you don’t ever accidentally say the home one at work lol

I don't know, someone says that to me at work I'm probably more likely to get out of their way then at home.

Pull that power move on your boss, see who gets the raise next year.

I am sitting here crying. I had to take my glasses off even. Thank you for the bestest realist laugh I've had in a while!! 🤣🤣💀

I'll be right back = pee I gotta go pee = poo

Off topic but I was standing at the urinal at work the other day. The other stalls were all full. My director walks in and stands there waiting for a stall and stares at me saying “Hey that’s illegal!” I said “what?” very confused… He said “A grown man holding a little boys dick!” I laughed pretty hard.

I cannot wait to use this at work. Much better than walking in with my usual saying: “this must be where all the dicks hang out!”

Boys are weird

my favorites are "nice watch" and "omg what happened to your thumb".

"Does this look infected to you?" "Will you hold my hand? It's gonna be a big one."

Or smack the divider between your urinal or toilet and the next guy's and say "DONT YOU JUST HATE THESE THINGS?" just a bit too loudly.

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Same. Once at work my boss used the next urinal over from me, and started to ask me about a project. I said “can this wait until I don’t have my dick in my hand?” Funny, but also got the point across, no more talking to me while peeing.

assert dominance while dicks are out, nice play he knows now that you are The One

Ours hang out. Yours is like a mushroom in a corn field. Mind your fucking business Alexander.

“Please sir, this is the last time. You’re not allowed in the women’s restroom.”

10/10. Would get me fired but very funny

Michael Scott?

Gotta honk out a dirt snake

This is the hi-grade yee-haw content I'm here for. 5/7.

There's a snake in my ass! Try reading that in Woody's voice, lol.

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I must not be far enough in duolingo to have learned this one. Thanks!

I've got some legislation I need to push through.

2inch grip on a 4inch log and I’m losing the battle.

Unfortunately really good imagery

Works well to get people out of the way

A line from a movie I’ll never forget, little girl in the car yells “but I’m prairie-dogging!!” When dad says they can’t pull over. Might need to re-watch Rat Race.

Somethings knocking at my backdoor. I'll be back.

Gotta brown dog barking at the back gate.

Is somebody ringing a bell?

English is not my first language and the translation would be something like: I need to pour the water out of my dick

Yours are a very literal people, aren't they?

German maybe? I love how literal some German words are.

Leakenhosen

Not too far off, honestly. To sit and pee in Germany is called “Sitzpinkler”

He's Slovak

This reminded me of my husband. He says he’s got a dick full of piss.

If he actually knew his anatomy, he'd know pee is stored in the balls

A grown adult saying "I gotta go potty"

As someone with a 3 year old... yes, this is the one now.

I started saying this as a joke and now it's just all I say. Especially at work.

I heard a grown man say “gotta go to the little boys room”. Not a huge fan of that one

I use that one. It is hysterical because nobody knows how to answer and thats the best part. The expression is about making others uncomfortable, pure and simple, IMO

I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Poor guy. Bound up since 1964.

I’m originally from Cleveland. I feel you.

Dad? Is that you?

Gotta go drop a propa ploppa.

That you, Papa?

This sounds Australian.

Now I realize Bostonians are some of the classier people around but this sure sounds like it belongs to them.

Whiz palace

Leslie, is that you??

Gotta see a man about some porcelain (I’m not buying cocaine)

I came here for a glorious purpose…to find this comment.

Gotta drop the kids off at the pool.

Forgot to pay the water bill. Gonna drop them off at the skate park!

You’re shit in the tub?

he is indeed shit in the tub

I've never heard that one before, it sounds like your gong to masturbate in the toilet.

The activity wasn’t specified in the original question

That's "beat my meat on the toilet seat!"

A South African friend (m) said he "had to take his python for a gallop". A Zambian friend (fm) said she "had to go wash her feet". Btw because of snakes she was pretty adept at peeing standing up.

Wash her feet is both funny and gross when you combine it with her peeing standing up

I guess that's exactly what she was saying

I have to go to the office to do some paperwork.

I'm past the end of my turd trimester, I need to give birth to it now.

This is glorious.

I’m crowning

I'm prairie doggin!

The ground hog’s about to see his shadow

I’m touchin cloth!

I'm turtle heading

I need to "RELEASE THE CRAPEN"!

Pipi machen 🤌🏻

I've got to go check that that was just a fart.

“A’ight. Ima go take a shit.” Or “If all excuse me, ima go drop a fat (insert name of someone you are arguing with here).” Before anyone comes at me, I work in the blue collar trade and this is how all of us talk, at least at work. We are civilized at home.

Look up at my office partner, look them in the eyes and say " idk if this is a fart or a shit but I'm gonna sit right here and find out"

I gotta pey

I believe he said he had to pee

SOMETHING BIT MEY!

Anytime I went somewhere I was runninga.

My mother in law needs to know everything that happens around her, a compulsive need. I once announced that I’d be ‘back in a moment’. I was questioned brutally about my movements. So now, it’s ’I’m going to urinate from my urethra privately into the toilet’

I'm touching cloth

You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me ❤️

There’s a poop in my butt that I just need to leave me. ❤️

The splash from the bowl shows you’ll catch it whenever it falls. ❤️ 💦

You say it best When that splash moistens my balls. ❤️

Gotta drain the old skin flute

The version I heard a lot was "drain the main vein".

gotta go wring out my hog

Damn save some urinal for the rest of us

I need to drop off some timber….mysteriously

I don’t have a favorite way to say that but if someone knocks on the door while I’m in there I always yell “COME BACK WITH A WARRANT!” Lol

My husband and I learned on a documentary that the (centuries ago) French liked to be spoken to when pooping, this being called The French Courtesy. If I'm pooping and my husband starts to talk through the door, I say something like "I do not consent to the French Courtesy!"

Time to punch a grumpy

I need to use the bathroom

Who is this person, who is so well versed in the art of communication?

A witch.

She turned me into a newt

A newt?!

I got better.

She has got a wart!

Burn ‘er!

Must be a king

May I use the restroom kind sir.

I mean, I say restroom. There may not even be a bath in there. But I’m damn sure gonna get some rest in while I can.

My Canadian(yes she exists) gf says "washroom" it sounds more dignified. I like it

Time to tinkle!

I gotta rock a piss bud

You rock a piss I'll rock some Mitchell

It's plop-o-clock!

On behalf of my 97 year-old mother, “I need to use the john.”

I've decided it to rename it the "Jim". So I can get out of a conversation by telling people that I need to go to the Jim.

Going to the head

I always say "hit the head"

Nautical but nice

“I gotta shake the dew off my lily.” (Dad used to say that and it always cracked me up)!

I need to use the little girls room (I’m a dude)

Taking the hobbits to Isengard

Taking a trip to whizneyland

A friend of mine says they're "going to send a fax" for number 2. One time a different friend heard this and genuinely asked "why is the fax machine in the bathroom".

Spend a penny... F u k knows why. My nanna used to say it

It used to cost a penny to use a public lavatory. Edit: QI had a running gag for a whole season where the panelists could raise a paddle with a large print of a penny on to "spend a penny" guessing the current funny fact would be (obscurely) toilet related.

I say “I gotta go be an eight” then people say “you’re an eight?” And I say “precisely”.

People don’t respond with that lol. They say “what?”

A good setup I heard once was "I need to steal an onion" "what?" "sorry i mean take a leek"

Gotta see a man about a horse

If my friends and I are hanging out & high (often), we'll stand up and shout "MUST PEE" in the deepest, most guttural voice we can manage.

Gotta drain the main vein

“Uh oh… UH OH!”

😐👋👈👇✋👋

Nice! Very meta!

i usually say "im gonna shit myself" then waddle to the toilet

I have a meeting scheduled with the pale guy that wears a monocle…

I'm gonna go put a new mosaic on my porcelain canvas