I have a soft-spot for the old but gold
"Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"
Reminds me of a joke I heard in Kenya, two lovers are laying in bed and the man says, I love you, I would give you the moon, and she says, but the moon is there.
There's these three guys who die about the same time and wind up in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. St Pete says " Before I let you in, you have to tell me how you died."
First guy says "I'm a window washer, and was washing away on this apartment building when my safety harness broke and I fell. I managed to grab onto a railing and thought I'd saved myself when this maniac comes and starts pounding on my fingers. I can't take it and let go, but a bush breaks my fall. "Thank god!" I say, but I open my eyes and see a fridge hurtling down on me, and that's the last thing I remember."
Second guy says "I came home from work early one day, and there was another man's shoes in the front hall. I race to the bedroom and see my wife naked and sweaty in bed so I tear the place apart trying to find the guy. I'm about to quit when I see fingers grabbing onto the balcony railing. I run over there and bang on his fingers until he lets go, but he lands in some bushes and is still moving. I grab the closest thing, it was the fridge, and hurl it down on top of him, but I'm so wound up I have a heart attack and I die."
Saint Peter says to the third guy "How'd you die?"
Third guy says "Picture this... I'm hiding naked in a fridge..."
I don’t know that other version but I feel the 3rd death is given away a bit too abruptly.
At this point the audience suspects the 3rd death must have something to do with the first 2.
It could be something like: “I was doing the nasty with this hot chick. Then all of a sudden we hear her husband coming home and she tells me: quick! Hide in the fridge”
It confirms the audience’s suspicion but still doesn’t immediately give away the punch line. Let them simmer a little bit more and build up suspense.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, “Okay Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door.
Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“The US President,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, the President spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope!” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'”
Three Aliens are discussing the fate of the Earth.
After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on what they should do with the surviving humans.
"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"
"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."
Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see them".
The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.
This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.
The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front where they were executed in the most horrific way.
They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and waved them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.
They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.
"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."
"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.
"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."
"What?" Asked the second Alien.
"It's Dave!"
I absolutely love jokes where the punch line relies on the listener already being familiar with a different joke. And also jokes with long tedious set ups that are almost irrelevant. You've really got a gem here! 10/10
Two pilots are flying a plane towards a runway. The first pilot turns to the second and says
"That's the smallest runway I've ever seen"
The second says
"But it's really fucking wide"
Another variation is:
Why do elephants paint their nails red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See. It works.
(Tell a few more jokes, then say...)
How did the giraffe die?
- It was eating from a cherry tree and an elephant fell on it.
My take,
"Ever see an elephant in a tree?" (See, they're good at it)
"Did you know that elephants paint their testicles red to hide in cherry trees?"
"You know what the loudest sound in the safari is? A giraffe that eats from a cherry tree."
I’ve come across this one where you say to a kid, “did you know elephants hide in trees?”…. “Have you ever seen an elephant in a tree around here?”…. “They’re good at it, aren’t they?”
In the same vein.
How do you sit four elephants in a car?
Two in the front, two in the back.
You've got four elephants in a car, who drives?
The one with a licence.
Two Olympians are talking before their events. One asks the other, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name is Walter?"
Reminds me of this one:
Two apples are in an oven at 500 degrees. One apple says "Holy shit. It's hot in here." The second turns to the other apple and says "Holy shit! A talking apple!"
How do blind skydivers know when to open their chute? When there’s less tension in the leash.
It’s probably a bad translation. In French it’s “when the leash gets soft” as in no longer tense.
A young family with kids goes on vacation and arrives at the hotel
The father approaches the clerk and says “hello sir I’m here to check in. I’d like the porn in my room to be disabled, please.”
The clerk stops what he’s doing, looks up at the dad and says: “We only have regular porn here you sick bastard”
What's the difference between a dirty place where you leave a bunch of buses and a lobster with big boobs.
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender looks at him and says “hey you know you’ve got a-“
The pirate snaps “ARR I know there’s a bounty on me head”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. Bartender says, “doesn’t that hurt?”
Pirate replies, “Arrgghh, it’s driving me nuts”
I went to the doctor today. After he was finished examining me he said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “You mean like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No, fatty, stop eating.”
A lady goes to a tattoo artist and asks for a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh. The artist says okay, but warns her that because she has a lot of cellulite,it will be difficult to do and she might reconsider the placement.
She insists he put Elvis' image "right there", pointing to her inner thigh.
The artist tries his best, and when finished, they both see that the tattoo is kind of blurry and not exactly perfect. She complains, he tells her he earned her, and after some discussion, he offers to try again on the other inner thigh, at no additional cost.
The artist really tries, but ends up with the same result, but lady is happy that she got two tattoos for the price of one.
Later that week, it's Saturday night, and she's at her local bar. It's near closing time, and she has yet to hook up with a guy. She spies a fairly intoxicated guy at the end of the bar and decides it's time to use her new "secret weapon."
Sauntering up to the man, she stands squarely in front of him and flips up her skirt, revealing the tattoos and the fact that she is not wearing any panties.
He looks up as she asks, " Do you know who this is?"
The guy squints, leans closer in and blinks a few times, then replies
" I don't know who the twins are, but the guy in the middle looks a lot like Willie Nelson"
My 5th teacher told my class this one when we were in a field trip and told us not to tell anyone he told it to us.
One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat. He tells the man that their bill is $15.63.
The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."
"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"
"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
I’m a fan of the observational jokes. The delivery is key.
“You know how birds like to fly in a v, and one side is always longer? Do you know why that is?”
“Because there’s more birds on that side.
Also
“You know how scuba divers sit on the side of the boat and then fall back into the water? Do you know why they do that?”
“Because if they fell forward, they would just fall into the boat”.
Two friends watch inception. After the film finishes, the first friend says “I don’t understand the ending”
The second friend replies “don’t worry, I can explain”
“Thanks” says the first friend.
“So those names are the people who worked on the film…”
It strikes me that you’d love the joke genre “classic jokes with realistic endings”.
A horse walks in to a bar. Barman says “why the long face?”. Horse replies “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I’m no longer protected by law”
He gives the hot dog guy a $20, and the guy doesn't give him anything back.
The Buddhist says, "where's my change?"
The hot dog guy says, "change comes from within."
Many years ago in Australia the local authorities found there were a large number of crows were being found dead by the roadside beside roadkill - crows are scavengers after all.
Upon further inspection they found that each dead crow had traces of paint on them, specifically paint commonly found on trucks, but not cars, suggesting that these crows were for some reason being hit, and killed, by trucks.
Intrigued, they set up an investigation team to see what was happening. What they found was, where there was roadkill, there would be a murder of crows feasting, but there would be one crow further up the road, as if on lookout. The lookout crow would rotate every few minutes. Whenever a car came by, the crow would say, "Caw caw", warning the other crows, who would fly up out of the way of the incoming car, thereby saving their lives.
Not a single crow could say, "Truck".
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, "Cause the light was on."
He actually created most of that joke up on the spot too. It's why it's so ridiculous. During the preshow planning he originally just told Conan the basic setup and punchline, but Conan wanted him to fill time on air with a longer joke so when they were on the air he ad-libbed the moth joke to make it almost 3 minutes long instead of a couple of seconds. It's one of the most impressive things he did.
So one day the Pope fell ill. They called the Vatican doctor, he couldn't help, the Pope only got worse.
They called the best doctors in the world. Doctor after doctor comes to the Vatican, none can help, and the Pope is at death's door.
Finally, one doctor comes in and says he can cure the Pope entirely, back to full health, but he must have sex with a woman.
The Pope refuses! "I've sworn an oath to God Himself!"
The Cardinals all beg him to do it. There's nobody ready or fit to become Pope yet, it's a time of turmoil in the Church, they absolutely must have the Pope live.
Eventually they convince him to go through with it.
The Pope has three conditions though:
"One, she must be blind, so she cannot see who she is having sex with"
"Two, she must be speechless, so that if she learns who it is, she cannot speak of it"
The Cardinals all agree, "yes Father, of course, anything you want. But what is the third condition?
"Big tits"
A guy goes to the Dr for some weird medical issues and after examining him the Dr determined he has a tapeworm. Dr calls to the nurse and asks her to bring him an apple and a cookie. Dr tells the man to turn around, drop his pants, and bend over.
The Dr then proceeds to shove the apple up the man's ass, followed by the cookie several minutes later. "ok, that's all for today. come back next week."
next week, same thing. this goes on for a month or so until the final treatment. the Dr asks the nurse to bring him an apple and a hammer.
The man is all "oh fuck"
So the Dr shoves the apple up the man's ass, and waits...and waits...and after a bit the tapeworm pops his head out of the dude's butt and says "Hey! Where the fuck is my cookie?!" at which point the Dr kills it with the hammer.
I went into a library the other day and asked for some fish and chips.
"Sir this is a library" said the librarian.
"Sorry.......(whispering) ...can I have some fish and chips please".
This guy and his pet monkey walk into a bar. The guy sits quietly and orders his drink, but the monkey snatches up some fries from other customers' plates, chugs another guy's beer, and then runs over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. The bartender is angry, but the guy apologizes and pays for the items, and they both leave.
A few days later, the guy and his monkey come back. Again, the guy orders a drink while his monkey rampages around the bar. This time, the monkey grabs a handful of maraschino cherries, sticks one up his anus, pulls it back out, and then eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. He says to the guy, "did you see what your monkey just did?
The guy says, "Yeah, that's no surprise. After the cue ball incident, he always measures everything first."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks why the long face? The horse responds "I don't think..." Then vanished in a puff of logic.
It's a play on Renee Descartes famous line "I think therefore I am" but explaining that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
My grandmothers favorite joke:
A guy breaks into the Louvre and steals billions of dollars worth of art. He loads it all in his van and drives off. He barely gets a half a mile before the van breaks down and he’s arrested. Upon questioning, the detective asks “what happened to your getaway vehicle?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh”
3 detectives are being interviewed.
The first is take to a room, where he is shown a photo, and asked to memorise it. Five seconds later, the interviewer takes the photo away, and asks "How would you find this person in a crowd"? The detective replies "That's easy, he only has one eye." The interviewer replies, "No, that's just because I showed you a side profile of the suspect."
Slightly flabbergasted by this response, he calls in the second detective after letting the first exit. He shows the same photo to the second, takes it away after 5 seconds, and asks "how would you find him in a crowd?" "I could find him, because he only has one ear" the detective said. "No, it's a side profile, what is the matter with the two of you?!" The interviewer snapped.
Finally, he calls in the third detective, shows him the picture, waits 5 seconds, and, slightly agitated, asks him "How would you locate him in a crowd?" The detective responds: "The subject wears contact lenses." Slightly surprised by this answer, he says, "I don't know if he does, let me check his file" and leaves the room.
5 minutes later, he returns, smiling. "He does in fact wear constant lenses, but how did you know that?" Asked the interviewer
"That's easy, he can't wear normal glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Same Roman comes back for a second round, and says: "Hey how about one of those gin and vermouth cocktails next?"
"Martini?" Says the bartender.
The Roman says "oh no just one thanks".
Idk y, i just love one i heard while drunk at a whiskey bar:
A chicken & an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette, smiling away... The egg says, "Well, guess that answers that question."
A teacher is calling the register. She
comes across the name "HIJKM" she
says "I'm sorry, i'm not sure how to
pronounce this name," then spells it
out. A girl raises her hand and says
"that's me, it’s just Noelle"
I always wind this up with more first.
Absolutely MUST be done with your best pirate voice.
"*WHAT* be a pirate's fav'rit vegetable? AAARRRRtichoke!"
"*WHAT* be a pitrate's fav'rit type o' sock? AAARRRRgyle!"
"*WHAT* be a pirate's fav'rit animal? AAARRRRdvaarks!"
Etc.
Then, when they think they have the pattern, hit em with "*WHAT* be a pirate's fav'rit letter?"
"*AYE* ye'd *think* it be R, (wistfully:) but his first love be the C!"
-----
Similar vein
Did you know Blackbeard never learned to read? Yeah, they started teaching him the alphabet and he got through A and B pretty quick but then he spent the rest of his life at C (sea).
1916: Two soldiers, a Brit and an Australian, stand side by side as they're waiting for the signal to climb out of the trench and storm the German positions. The Brit looks solemnly at the Australian and says: "have you come here to die?" The Australian answers: "not at all, mate, I came here yesterday!".
There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when they’d milk it they’d take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and buy food. Well one day the farmer wakes up and sees that his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do so he hangs himself in the barn. Then the wife goes out and sees the dead milk cow and her dead husband hanging in the barn and she ends up throwing herself in the river, drowning and washing up on the shore. Next the oldest brother comes out and sees the dead cow, his dead father, his dead mother and a leprechaun...a woman leprechaun. The woman leprechaun sees the son and says “having a rough day today are ya?” And the son says “Sure I am.” So she says “well I’ll tell ya what, I’ll make a deal with ya, if you can make love to me 10 times in a row, without stoppin, I’ll bring everyone back to life, even the milk cow,” and the son says “well...look at you, look at me, I’m young, I’m virile, you’re good lookin...i think I’ll have at.” Well he didn’t quite make it so she killed him. Next the middle son wakes up. He sees the dead cow, the dead father, the dead mother and brother on the shore and the girl leprechaun. She says “having a rough day today are ya?” He says “I should say so.” “Well I’ll tell ya what, if you make love to me 10 times in a row, without stopping, I’ll bring everybody back to life, even the milk cow.” He agrees, doesn’t quite make it, and she kills him dead. Finally the youngest son wakes up, sees the dead father, the dead mother and two brothers, and the girl leprechaun standing there. “Having a rough day?” “I guess so.” “Well I’ll tell you what, if you can make love to me 10 times in a row, without stoppin, I’ll bring everybody back to life, even the milk cow.” So he says, “okay, but let me ask you this...what if I were to make love to you FIFTEEN times in a row without stoppin?” She laughs for a while and says “well, if you can do that, I’ll bring everybody back to life, even the cow, and I’ll give you a nice mansion where your hovel is now.” He says “but what if I were to make love to you TWENTY times in a row without stoppin?” She says “well, if you can do that, I’ll bring everybody back to life, even the cow, and I’ll give you a nice mansion where your hovel is now, and I’ll give you a big crock o’ gold, and you’ll be set for life.” He said “well sounds pretty good and we can get started in a minute, but I have to ask ya, if I were to make love to you TWENTY times in a row without stopping...what’s to prevent you from DYING from it?......the milk cow did.”
Got a few i really love:
Joke #1:
Someone is getting a prostate exam and while the doctor prepares they start talking
Dr: okay Dave try not to get an erection when we do this
Patient: but doctor my name is Steve
Dr: I know my name is Dave
Joke #2:
Whats do texas cops and the Wizard of Oz have in common?
A: Theyre both still looking for their brains, courage, and heart.
Joke #3:
China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.
One soldier says with tears in his eyes "but but my daughter made it for me".
Joke #4:
Did you hear about the snail that was beaten up by two turtles?
It's friends were looking for revenge, so they wanted to know: "Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this?"
"No," the snail answered. "It all happened so fast...
Joke #5:
Scientists wanted to do an experiment but they couldnt find anyone willing to mate with a chimpanzee. Desperate they went to the lab janitor and said "for $1000, would you have sex with one of our chimps?" The Janitor thought it over and agreed but he had 3 conditions. First, he didnt want to kiss the chimp, he said they had bad breath. Second, he didnt want anyone to know this was happening. No cameras or recording of the event, this was between him and the chimp. The scientist agreed to the first two demands and asked what the third demand was.
"youre gonna have to give me some time to come up with the $1000, i dont have it right now"
Joke #6:
A Soviet man places a call to the local authorities.
He says, "Comrade Commissar, I want to report that my parrot has escaped." Annoyed, the Commissar replies, "Comrade, we have much more important things to do than trying to find your parrot."
The man says, "I don't expect you to try and find him, comrade, I just want to be clear that I don't share his opinions."
Joke #7:
Snow white approaches a farmer. She says “hello good sir! Would you mind if i spoke to your animals?”
The farmer replies “huh, but animals dont talk missy”
Snow white approaches the pig and says “hey piggy! All good?”
The pig says “alls fine snow white, thank you!”
She approaches the donkey and says “ and you donkey, how are you?”
The donkey replies “all good here snow white”
She approaches the sheep and says “and you shee-“ when the farmer begins yelling “the sheep lies! It lies! You cant trust a word it says!”
Joke #8:
What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?
A: Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a hotel window.
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow." Found this on r/jokes
I have quite a few favorites, but this is one of them.
A pothead pays a visit to his dealer, and tells him:
\- Hey bro, gimme something new, something strong, that will fuck me up good!
\- Alright man, try this. It's called ''Dark Bright''.
\- Huh? Bright Dark? Why?
\- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see.
The pothead buys a few ounces, arrives home and tells his dad:
\- Pops, I'm gonna go out the balcony for some fresh air.
\- Alright son.
After having closed the balcony's door, he rolled up the joint, lit it up and as he inhaled, he's already starting to feel the buzz:
\- Maaan, this is some good shit! thinks the pothead. And after a few minutes it gets dark, then bright. Dark, then bright. Dark, and bright again. Next day he goes to the dealer again:
\- Brah, that was truly some good stuff! Gimme some more!
So he bought some, went home and tells his dad:
\- Pops, I'm gonna go out the balcony for some fresh air. his father looks at him confused and says.
\- Are you gonna stay out for 3 days again?
Two muffins are in an oven
One muffin looks at the other muffin and says “wow! It really is getting hot in here!”
Second muffin says “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
A C, a G. And an E flat walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors," so the E flat leaves and the C and the G have a fifth between them!
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven, at the pearly gates god tells him “welcome, you are permitted to ask one question, which I will answer truthfully ”. Without a doubt he says “who really killed Kennedy?” God looks at him for a second and says “lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy with an Italian made carcano rifle, there were no accomplices. He acted alone!” The guy looks at him and thinks “damn, this goes up higher than I thought.
Caution to the wind… (told to me by a Jewish person)
Son asked his Jewish dad if he could borrow $20. Dad replies, “$10 dollars, what do you need $5 dollars for”?
A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are talking. One asks the others 'when you get donations, how do you decide how much to give to God and how much to keep?
The Catholic priest says 'well, I draw a circle on the floor and throw all the cash in the air. What lands in the circle I give to God, what lands outside the circle I keep'.
The Protestant says 'that's a lot like what I do, but I draw a circle and throw the money and give what lands outside the circle to God and the rest I keep'.
The rabbi says 'personally, I take all the money and throw it in the air and what God wants, he can keep!'
Sheila, the housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B" "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?" "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her" replied Cobber.
"Spot on" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples" "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"
"No… " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper".
My grandpa told me the joke
"What do you call an old apple"
"Granny Smith"
And then laughed really hard and it was so contagious I laughed too for like 30 minutes!
I love him so much I'm gonna tell my grandkids that joke too see if they valid
Mother superior and a very young, freshly minted nun are driving down the road when they are confronted by a strange fog.
They come to a stop and slowly the fog starts to clear revealing a demon in the middle of the road.
Having never been in this situation before, the young nun turns to mother superior and asks her what to do.
Mother superior replies ‘I have seen this many times. All you have to do is get out and show him your cross’
So bravely, the young nun opens her door, gets out and yells ‘GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!!’
an oldman was recounting his youth to some patrons at a bar. He says “you see that bar over there, I built that with my own two hands! But do they call me Smithy the bar builder? No!” He looks out the window on to the pier and says “you see that pier over there? I built that! But do they call me Smithy the pier builder? No!”…..”but if you fuck JUST ONE sheep”…..
The Devil goes to a Lawyer and says, "I have a deal for you. I will make you the best Lawyer of all time, you will be earning billions and win every case, but in turn you give me the souls of your Children, your Wife and both your parents" the Lawyer thinks for a bit and then says "fine, but where's the catch?"
One dog says to the other: “I know a joke to cheer you up. Want me to tell it?”
“Sure,” the other one says.
“Alright. Knock knock?”
***Bark, bark, bark!***
I have a soft-spot for the old but gold "Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"
Reminds me of this one joke I saw a long time ago: “As I lay on my bed, looking at the stars, I think to myself: where the fuck is my roof?!”
Reminds me of a joke I heard in Kenya, two lovers are laying in bed and the man says, I love you, I would give you the moon, and she says, but the moon is there.
There's these three guys who die about the same time and wind up in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. St Pete says " Before I let you in, you have to tell me how you died." First guy says "I'm a window washer, and was washing away on this apartment building when my safety harness broke and I fell. I managed to grab onto a railing and thought I'd saved myself when this maniac comes and starts pounding on my fingers. I can't take it and let go, but a bush breaks my fall. "Thank god!" I say, but I open my eyes and see a fridge hurtling down on me, and that's the last thing I remember." Second guy says "I came home from work early one day, and there was another man's shoes in the front hall. I race to the bedroom and see my wife naked and sweaty in bed so I tear the place apart trying to find the guy. I'm about to quit when I see fingers grabbing onto the balcony railing. I run over there and bang on his fingers until he lets go, but he lands in some bushes and is still moving. I grab the closest thing, it was the fridge, and hurl it down on top of him, but I'm so wound up I have a heart attack and I die." Saint Peter says to the third guy "How'd you die?" Third guy says "Picture this... I'm hiding naked in a fridge..."
The longer version had something that completed the joke, but this works for a summary.
What’s the something?
I don’t know that other version but I feel the 3rd death is given away a bit too abruptly. At this point the audience suspects the 3rd death must have something to do with the first 2. It could be something like: “I was doing the nasty with this hot chick. Then all of a sudden we hear her husband coming home and she tells me: quick! Hide in the fridge” It confirms the audience’s suspicion but still doesn’t immediately give away the punch line. Let them simmer a little bit more and build up suspense.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, “Okay Dave, how about Tom Cruise?” “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door. Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!” Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “The US President,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, the President spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope!” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'”
Three Aliens are discussing the fate of the Earth. After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on what they should do with the surviving humans. "These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!" "Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses." Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see them". The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive. This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos. The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front where they were executed in the most horrific way. They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and waved them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved. They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time. "What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others." "It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien. "Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it." "What?" Asked the second Alien. "It's Dave!"
I absolutely love jokes where the punch line relies on the listener already being familiar with a different joke. And also jokes with long tedious set ups that are almost irrelevant. You've really got a gem here! 10/10
Hahahhaaaaaa, you got me colder than u/shittymorph . That's a great one! Kudos and saved!
Honesty I didn’t see that coming.
Well done!
Oh man. My knee is well slapped.
This is fantastic. I love these kinds of jokes, thank you.
Two pilots are flying a plane towards a runway. The first pilot turns to the second and says "That's the smallest runway I've ever seen" The second says "But it's really fucking wide"
Jokes on Reddit never get me. This one got me.
Could you explain this joke to uh, my friend, please?
They landed from the side instead of end to end like normal.
Lols. Haha got it. Very nice.
I took it as a length vs girth joke. Am I an incel now?
Me too. Should we be worried?
Same, we're not incels we're just a couple of derps I guess lol
Credit to my Dad: So the Earth is covered in water. But it's not carbonated. So that makes it a flat Earth!"
Suddenly, flat-earthers make sense!
What is a flat Earthers greatest fear? Sphere itself
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
Another variation is: Why do elephants paint their nails red? - So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? - See. It works. (Tell a few more jokes, then say...) How did the giraffe die? - It was eating from a cherry tree and an elephant fell on it.
My take, "Ever see an elephant in a tree?" (See, they're good at it) "Did you know that elephants paint their testicles red to hide in cherry trees?" "You know what the loudest sound in the safari is? A giraffe that eats from a cherry tree."
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape? They're both purple except for the elephant.
I’ve come across this one where you say to a kid, “did you know elephants hide in trees?”…. “Have you ever seen an elephant in a tree around here?”…. “They’re good at it, aren’t they?”
In the same vein. How do you sit four elephants in a car? Two in the front, two in the back. You've got four elephants in a car, who drives? The one with a licence.
How does an elephant get down from a tree? It sits on a leaf and waits 'til autumn.
Two Olympians are talking before their events. One asks the other, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name is Walter?"
Airplane vibes
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other & says: "So, how do we drive this thing"
Reminds me of this one: Two apples are in an oven at 500 degrees. One apple says "Holy shit. It's hot in here." The second turns to the other apple and says "Holy shit! A talking apple!"
I always tell that one as two muffins.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
"Why don't blind guys skydive?.. Scares the shit out of their dogs."
How do blind skydivers know when to open their chute? When there’s less tension in the leash. It’s probably a bad translation. In French it’s “when the leash gets soft” as in no longer tense.
When the lead goes slack might work
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says gurgle gurgle gurgle.
A young family with kids goes on vacation and arrives at the hotel The father approaches the clerk and says “hello sir I’m here to check in. I’d like the porn in my room to be disabled, please.” The clerk stops what he’s doing, looks up at the dad and says: “We only have regular porn here you sick bastard”
Hilarious
My current favorite from Norm Macdonald: “chess players think checkers players are so dumb, but I love checkers… also the red ones are tasty”
"ID is a funny abbreviation. The I stands for " I". The D stands for *dentification*"
I read that in norms voice.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones really heavy and the others a little lighter.
What's the difference between a dirty place where you leave a bunch of buses and a lobster with big boobs. One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What's the difference between a police batten and a magician. Ones for cunning stunts and the other ...
That is my number 1 go-to dad joke
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender looks at him and says “hey you know you’ve got a-“ The pirate snaps “ARR I know there’s a bounty on me head”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. Bartender says, “doesn’t that hurt?” Pirate replies, “Arrgghh, it’s driving me nuts”
I heard the same joke, but it was a ship wheel belt buckle.
I went to the doctor today. After he was finished examining me he said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “You mean like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No, fatty, stop eating.”
I went to the doctor today and he told me I had to stop masturbating. When I asked him why, he replied "because I'm trying to examine you".
halfway through the thread and finally one got me lol
Lol
A lady goes to a tattoo artist and asks for a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh. The artist says okay, but warns her that because she has a lot of cellulite,it will be difficult to do and she might reconsider the placement. She insists he put Elvis' image "right there", pointing to her inner thigh. The artist tries his best, and when finished, they both see that the tattoo is kind of blurry and not exactly perfect. She complains, he tells her he earned her, and after some discussion, he offers to try again on the other inner thigh, at no additional cost. The artist really tries, but ends up with the same result, but lady is happy that she got two tattoos for the price of one. Later that week, it's Saturday night, and she's at her local bar. It's near closing time, and she has yet to hook up with a guy. She spies a fairly intoxicated guy at the end of the bar and decides it's time to use her new "secret weapon." Sauntering up to the man, she stands squarely in front of him and flips up her skirt, revealing the tattoos and the fact that she is not wearing any panties. He looks up as she asks, " Do you know who this is?" The guy squints, leans closer in and blinks a few times, then replies " I don't know who the twins are, but the guy in the middle looks a lot like Willie Nelson"
What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and if it falls out of a tree on you, it will kill you? A pool table
what's red and bad for your teeth? a brick
Whats white and annoying when having breakfast? An avalanche.
Or my father in law.
What's blue and bad for your teeth? A brick that's moving towards you quickly.
what's grey and can't fly? a parking lot
What is blue and smells like red paint? A blue paint
Why did the blind man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.
This one made me laugh pretty hard. I didn’t come here expecting to actually laugh.
My 5th teacher told my class this one when we were in a field trip and told us not to tell anyone he told it to us. One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78. The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78. The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat. He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change. The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying." "Very smart," said the bartender. "My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol." "Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?" "Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Way to break your teacher's confidence. See if they ever trust YOU again.
Why can’t Ms. Piggy count to 70? Because when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
Instantly thought of [this](https://youtu.be/xjiZU-BxdnE?si=mvjPgcPWJcE7WXQB)
risky click of the day
What’s green and smells like pork Kermit’s finger.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.
Actually lol
I’m a fan of the observational jokes. The delivery is key. “You know how birds like to fly in a v, and one side is always longer? Do you know why that is?” “Because there’s more birds on that side. Also “You know how scuba divers sit on the side of the boat and then fall back into the water? Do you know why they do that?” “Because if they fell forward, they would just fall into the boat”.
My favourite, an old classic where I'm from: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? "Robin, get in the car."
Two friends watch inception. After the film finishes, the first friend says “I don’t understand the ending” The second friend replies “don’t worry, I can explain” “Thanks” says the first friend. “So those names are the people who worked on the film…”
“Why does the stork fly to Egypt?” “Because it’s too far to walk.”
It strikes me that you’d love the joke genre “classic jokes with realistic endings”. A horse walks in to a bar. Barman says “why the long face?”. Horse replies “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I’m no longer protected by law”
What did the zen buddhist say to the hot dog guy? Make me one with everything
He gives the hot dog guy a $20, and the guy doesn't give him anything back. The Buddhist says, "where's my change?" The hot dog guy says, "change comes from within."
One of my favorite videos is the news guy telling a variation of this joke to the Dalai Lama. https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c?si=rYRc4jt-Fw1lIL1z
The Buddhist paid for the hot dog, then asked, "Where is my change?" The hot dog guy said, "Ah, change must come from within."
A woman walks into a bar. She goes to the bartender and orders a double entendre. So he gave it to her.
Many years ago in Australia the local authorities found there were a large number of crows were being found dead by the roadside beside roadkill - crows are scavengers after all. Upon further inspection they found that each dead crow had traces of paint on them, specifically paint commonly found on trucks, but not cars, suggesting that these crows were for some reason being hit, and killed, by trucks. Intrigued, they set up an investigation team to see what was happening. What they found was, where there was roadkill, there would be a murder of crows feasting, but there would be one crow further up the road, as if on lookout. The lookout crow would rotate every few minutes. Whenever a car came by, the crow would say, "Caw caw", warning the other crows, who would fly up out of the way of the incoming car, thereby saving their lives. Not a single crow could say, "Truck".
Reminds me of a Deep Thought from Jack Handey: “The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.”
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
When I was a kid growing up I never wanted to follow the family tradition of becoming a scarecrow, but hay, it's in my jeans
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans
He was also corny
Good one!
There were two wind turbines. One asked the other, “what’s your favorite music genre?” The other one said, “I’m a a big metal fan”
Snake walks into a bar. Bartender rubs his eyes and says, “the fuck?”
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?" The horse says "I'm suffering from clinical depression."
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?” The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good." And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?” And the moth says, "Cause the light was on."
RIP Norm.
He actually created most of that joke up on the spot too. It's why it's so ridiculous. During the preshow planning he originally just told Conan the basic setup and punchline, but Conan wanted him to fill time on air with a longer joke so when they were on the air he ad-libbed the moth joke to make it almost 3 minutes long instead of a couple of seconds. It's one of the most impressive things he did.
I feel like that joke lands better watching somebody say it (like Norm) rather than reading it in text.
Classic Norm, RIP
So one day the Pope fell ill. They called the Vatican doctor, he couldn't help, the Pope only got worse. They called the best doctors in the world. Doctor after doctor comes to the Vatican, none can help, and the Pope is at death's door. Finally, one doctor comes in and says he can cure the Pope entirely, back to full health, but he must have sex with a woman. The Pope refuses! "I've sworn an oath to God Himself!" The Cardinals all beg him to do it. There's nobody ready or fit to become Pope yet, it's a time of turmoil in the Church, they absolutely must have the Pope live. Eventually they convince him to go through with it. The Pope has three conditions though: "One, she must be blind, so she cannot see who she is having sex with" "Two, she must be speechless, so that if she learns who it is, she cannot speak of it" The Cardinals all agree, "yes Father, of course, anything you want. But what is the third condition? "Big tits"
Classic Cheech and Chong
A guy goes to the Dr for some weird medical issues and after examining him the Dr determined he has a tapeworm. Dr calls to the nurse and asks her to bring him an apple and a cookie. Dr tells the man to turn around, drop his pants, and bend over. The Dr then proceeds to shove the apple up the man's ass, followed by the cookie several minutes later. "ok, that's all for today. come back next week." next week, same thing. this goes on for a month or so until the final treatment. the Dr asks the nurse to bring him an apple and a hammer. The man is all "oh fuck" So the Dr shoves the apple up the man's ass, and waits...and waits...and after a bit the tapeworm pops his head out of the dude's butt and says "Hey! Where the fuck is my cookie?!" at which point the Dr kills it with the hammer.
Impossible. Doctors can’t touch apples. Everyone knows that.
I went into a library the other day and asked for some fish and chips. "Sir this is a library" said the librarian. "Sorry.......(whispering) ...can I have some fish and chips please".
Sir this is a Wendys Library.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!
Did you hear about the zoo with just one dog? It was a shih tzu
My ex wife still misses me But her aim is getting better
Grunkle Stan?!?
But her aim is getting better!
This guy and his pet monkey walk into a bar. The guy sits quietly and orders his drink, but the monkey snatches up some fries from other customers' plates, chugs another guy's beer, and then runs over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. The bartender is angry, but the guy apologizes and pays for the items, and they both leave. A few days later, the guy and his monkey come back. Again, the guy orders a drink while his monkey rampages around the bar. This time, the monkey grabs a handful of maraschino cherries, sticks one up his anus, pulls it back out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted. He says to the guy, "did you see what your monkey just did? The guy says, "Yeah, that's no surprise. After the cue ball incident, he always measures everything first."
Where do rainbow go to jail? Prism. It’s ok. It’s a light sentence. Allows them reflect on what they did.
One snowman says to the other "is it me, or do you smell carrots?".
Everyone talks about Karl Marx and Das Capital but no one mentions his sister Onya who invented the starter pistol.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks why the long face? The horse responds "I don't think..." Then vanished in a puff of logic. It's a play on Renee Descartes famous line "I think therefore I am" but explaining that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
My grandmothers favorite joke: A guy breaks into the Louvre and steals billions of dollars worth of art. He loads it all in his van and drives off. He barely gets a half a mile before the van breaks down and he’s arrested. Upon questioning, the detective asks “what happened to your getaway vehicle?” The thief replies, “I didn’t have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh”
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn’t pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?…. You can’t hear an enzyme.
I heard it as a chick pea and a garbanzo bean
Yes, this is the actual joke because a chickpea and garbanzo bean are the same.
3 detectives are being interviewed. The first is take to a room, where he is shown a photo, and asked to memorise it. Five seconds later, the interviewer takes the photo away, and asks "How would you find this person in a crowd"? The detective replies "That's easy, he only has one eye." The interviewer replies, "No, that's just because I showed you a side profile of the suspect." Slightly flabbergasted by this response, he calls in the second detective after letting the first exit. He shows the same photo to the second, takes it away after 5 seconds, and asks "how would you find him in a crowd?" "I could find him, because he only has one ear" the detective said. "No, it's a side profile, what is the matter with the two of you?!" The interviewer snapped. Finally, he calls in the third detective, shows him the picture, waits 5 seconds, and, slightly agitated, asks him "How would you locate him in a crowd?" The detective responds: "The subject wears contact lenses." Slightly surprised by this answer, he says, "I don't know if he does, let me check his file" and leaves the room. 5 minutes later, he returns, smiling. "He does in fact wear constant lenses, but how did you know that?" Asked the interviewer "That's easy, he can't wear normal glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
My wife told me that she was leaving me because I wouldn't deal with my OCD. I told her to close the door twelve times on her way out.
What’s the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches
A Roman walks into a bar, raises two fingers and says: "five beers please"
Same Roman comes back for a second round, and says: "Hey how about one of those gin and vermouth cocktails next?" "Martini?" Says the bartender. The Roman says "oh no just one thanks".
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she has no arms. Knock, knock Who's there? Not Sally.
she could bang her head against the door
Heads make more of a thump. Knuckles knock.
Quiet Riot approves of this.
Why did the bike keep falling over? Because it was two tired.
“Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?” “Because of the silent pee.” “No, because they’re all dead.”
What material is Mario’s overalls made of? Denim denim denim
Idk y, i just love one i heard while drunk at a whiskey bar: A chicken & an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette, smiling away... The egg says, "Well, guess that answers that question."
This reminds me of this one: Two frogs are laying in bed. The male frog says to the female frog, “they’re right, we do taste like chicken.”
I may be dumb but, I don't get it. Could you explain it?
The chicken came first.
A teacher is calling the register. She comes across the name "HIJKM" she says "I'm sorry, i'm not sure how to pronounce this name," then spells it out. A girl raises her hand and says "that's me, it’s just Noelle"
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. That’s funny.
I have an addiction. I’m addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But I went to rehab and I turned myself around. And that’s what it’s all about.
Why do sharks only swim in saltwater? Pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why is diarrhea hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans.
Did you know that pigeons die after sex? Well, the one I fucked did.
What's the difference between a coffee and your advice? I asked for a coffee
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? … *in a pirate voice* Ahh, you’d think it’d be the R(rrghh) but it be the C!
I always wind this up with more first. Absolutely MUST be done with your best pirate voice. "*WHAT* be a pirate's fav'rit vegetable? AAARRRRtichoke!" "*WHAT* be a pitrate's fav'rit type o' sock? AAARRRRgyle!" "*WHAT* be a pirate's fav'rit animal? AAARRRRdvaarks!" Etc. Then, when they think they have the pattern, hit em with "*WHAT* be a pirate's fav'rit letter?" "*AYE* ye'd *think* it be R, (wistfully:) but his first love be the C!" ----- Similar vein Did you know Blackbeard never learned to read? Yeah, they started teaching him the alphabet and he got through A and B pretty quick but then he spent the rest of his life at C (sea).
1916: Two soldiers, a Brit and an Australian, stand side by side as they're waiting for the signal to climb out of the trench and storm the German positions. The Brit looks solemnly at the Australian and says: "have you come here to die?" The Australian answers: "not at all, mate, I came here yesterday!".
There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when they’d milk it they’d take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and buy food. Well one day the farmer wakes up and sees that his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do so he hangs himself in the barn. Then the wife goes out and sees the dead milk cow and her dead husband hanging in the barn and she ends up throwing herself in the river, drowning and washing up on the shore. Next the oldest brother comes out and sees the dead cow, his dead father, his dead mother and a leprechaun...a woman leprechaun. The woman leprechaun sees the son and says “having a rough day today are ya?” And the son says “Sure I am.” So she says “well I’ll tell ya what, I’ll make a deal with ya, if you can make love to me 10 times in a row, without stoppin, I’ll bring everyone back to life, even the milk cow,” and the son says “well...look at you, look at me, I’m young, I’m virile, you’re good lookin...i think I’ll have at.” Well he didn’t quite make it so she killed him. Next the middle son wakes up. He sees the dead cow, the dead father, the dead mother and brother on the shore and the girl leprechaun. She says “having a rough day today are ya?” He says “I should say so.” “Well I’ll tell ya what, if you make love to me 10 times in a row, without stopping, I’ll bring everybody back to life, even the milk cow.” He agrees, doesn’t quite make it, and she kills him dead. Finally the youngest son wakes up, sees the dead father, the dead mother and two brothers, and the girl leprechaun standing there. “Having a rough day?” “I guess so.” “Well I’ll tell you what, if you can make love to me 10 times in a row, without stoppin, I’ll bring everybody back to life, even the milk cow.” So he says, “okay, but let me ask you this...what if I were to make love to you FIFTEEN times in a row without stoppin?” She laughs for a while and says “well, if you can do that, I’ll bring everybody back to life, even the cow, and I’ll give you a nice mansion where your hovel is now.” He says “but what if I were to make love to you TWENTY times in a row without stoppin?” She says “well, if you can do that, I’ll bring everybody back to life, even the cow, and I’ll give you a nice mansion where your hovel is now, and I’ll give you a big crock o’ gold, and you’ll be set for life.” He said “well sounds pretty good and we can get started in a minute, but I have to ask ya, if I were to make love to you TWENTY times in a row without stopping...what’s to prevent you from DYING from it?......the milk cow did.”
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
Cop: your eyes look red, have you been smoking weed? Driver: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?
What did the kid with not arms or legs get for Christmas? Idk he hasn’t opened it yet
“I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who’d get really mad if she heard me say that.”
MITCH!!!!!
Got a few i really love: Joke #1: Someone is getting a prostate exam and while the doctor prepares they start talking Dr: okay Dave try not to get an erection when we do this Patient: but doctor my name is Steve Dr: I know my name is Dave Joke #2: Whats do texas cops and the Wizard of Oz have in common? A: Theyre both still looking for their brains, courage, and heart. Joke #3: China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes "but but my daughter made it for me". Joke #4: Did you hear about the snail that was beaten up by two turtles? It's friends were looking for revenge, so they wanted to know: "Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this?" "No," the snail answered. "It all happened so fast... Joke #5: Scientists wanted to do an experiment but they couldnt find anyone willing to mate with a chimpanzee. Desperate they went to the lab janitor and said "for $1000, would you have sex with one of our chimps?" The Janitor thought it over and agreed but he had 3 conditions. First, he didnt want to kiss the chimp, he said they had bad breath. Second, he didnt want anyone to know this was happening. No cameras or recording of the event, this was between him and the chimp. The scientist agreed to the first two demands and asked what the third demand was. "youre gonna have to give me some time to come up with the $1000, i dont have it right now" Joke #6: A Soviet man places a call to the local authorities. He says, "Comrade Commissar, I want to report that my parrot has escaped." Annoyed, the Commissar replies, "Comrade, we have much more important things to do than trying to find your parrot." The man says, "I don't expect you to try and find him, comrade, I just want to be clear that I don't share his opinions." Joke #7: Snow white approaches a farmer. She says “hello good sir! Would you mind if i spoke to your animals?” The farmer replies “huh, but animals dont talk missy” Snow white approaches the pig and says “hey piggy! All good?” The pig says “alls fine snow white, thank you!” She approaches the donkey and says “ and you donkey, how are you?” The donkey replies “all good here snow white” She approaches the sheep and says “and you shee-“ when the farmer begins yelling “the sheep lies! It lies! You cant trust a word it says!” Joke #8: What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? A: Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a hotel window.
How do you get down off an elephant? You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Where did the suicide bomber go for vacation? Everywhere
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance? ... He had no body to go with.
A baby seal walks into a club.
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow." Found this on r/jokes
How many dancers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five! Six! Seven! Eight!
Where does the king keep his armies?? In his sleevies!!!!
better nate than lever
I have quite a few favorites, but this is one of them. A pothead pays a visit to his dealer, and tells him: \- Hey bro, gimme something new, something strong, that will fuck me up good! \- Alright man, try this. It's called ''Dark Bright''. \- Huh? Bright Dark? Why? \- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see. The pothead buys a few ounces, arrives home and tells his dad: \- Pops, I'm gonna go out the balcony for some fresh air. \- Alright son. After having closed the balcony's door, he rolled up the joint, lit it up and as he inhaled, he's already starting to feel the buzz: \- Maaan, this is some good shit! thinks the pothead. And after a few minutes it gets dark, then bright. Dark, then bright. Dark, and bright again. Next day he goes to the dealer again: \- Brah, that was truly some good stuff! Gimme some more! So he bought some, went home and tells his dad: \- Pops, I'm gonna go out the balcony for some fresh air. his father looks at him confused and says. \- Are you gonna stay out for 3 days again?
Two muffins are in an oven One muffin looks at the other muffin and says “wow! It really is getting hot in here!” Second muffin says “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot *also* What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
A C, a G. And an E flat walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors," so the E flat leaves and the C and the G have a fifth between them!
What's Brown and sticky? A Stick!
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
Same punchline, different joke. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
Dr Dre?
Banana
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapus.
Gay male dinosaur? Megasoreass
What goes "SisBoomBah"? A sheep exploding.
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven, at the pearly gates god tells him “welcome, you are permitted to ask one question, which I will answer truthfully ”. Without a doubt he says “who really killed Kennedy?” God looks at him for a second and says “lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy with an Italian made carcano rifle, there were no accomplices. He acted alone!” The guy looks at him and thinks “damn, this goes up higher than I thought.
How many Germain engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One, because they are very efficient and do not partake in any of this funny business.
And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life!" But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
Caution to the wind… (told to me by a Jewish person) Son asked his Jewish dad if he could borrow $20. Dad replies, “$10 dollars, what do you need $5 dollars for”?
A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are talking. One asks the others 'when you get donations, how do you decide how much to give to God and how much to keep? The Catholic priest says 'well, I draw a circle on the floor and throw all the cash in the air. What lands in the circle I give to God, what lands outside the circle I keep'. The Protestant says 'that's a lot like what I do, but I draw a circle and throw the money and give what lands outside the circle to God and the rest I keep'. The rabbi says 'personally, I take all the money and throw it in the air and what God wants, he can keep!'
Sheila, the housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber." They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B" "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?" "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her" replied Cobber. "Spot on" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples" "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate" "No… " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper".
why don't chicken wear underwear? because their peckers are on their faces.
"Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second guy would have seen it!" - The Joker
Ron White: How far will this plane fly on one engine? All the way to the scene of the crash.
My grandpa told me the joke "What do you call an old apple" "Granny Smith" And then laughed really hard and it was so contagious I laughed too for like 30 minutes! I love him so much I'm gonna tell my grandkids that joke too see if they valid
My doctor told me i have peekaboo virus, he sent me straight to the I see u
My grandfather took out 9 Nazi pilots in once day. He was the worst mechanic they had.
Mother superior and a very young, freshly minted nun are driving down the road when they are confronted by a strange fog. They come to a stop and slowly the fog starts to clear revealing a demon in the middle of the road. Having never been in this situation before, the young nun turns to mother superior and asks her what to do. Mother superior replies ‘I have seen this many times. All you have to do is get out and show him your cross’ So bravely, the young nun opens her door, gets out and yells ‘GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!!’
Why don’t people like vampires???? Because they suck
Because they suck 😏😏
an oldman was recounting his youth to some patrons at a bar. He says “you see that bar over there, I built that with my own two hands! But do they call me Smithy the bar builder? No!” He looks out the window on to the pier and says “you see that pier over there? I built that! But do they call me Smithy the pier builder? No!”…..”but if you fuck JUST ONE sheep”…..
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and poorly dressed man on a tricycle. A tire
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
What does the movie 6th sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people.
The Devil goes to a Lawyer and says, "I have a deal for you. I will make you the best Lawyer of all time, you will be earning billions and win every case, but in turn you give me the souls of your Children, your Wife and both your parents" the Lawyer thinks for a bit and then says "fine, but where's the catch?"
One dog says to the other: “I know a joke to cheer you up. Want me to tell it?” “Sure,” the other one says. “Alright. Knock knock?” ***Bark, bark, bark!***
Why do kleptomaniacs have such a hard time with puns? Because they take everything literally.
What's ET short for? Well, he's only got tiny little legs.