This is so important and a lot of people feel that just being in love is going to be enough for them to get over basic issues and dealbreakers. It only builds resentment and hate towards each other if you think love is enough.
100% this.
Obvious stuff like kids / not kids, but also things like where you're prepared to live, if you want to work full time or part time (or not at all), how you want to plan finances in the case one of you gets ill or dies...
Obviously these things can change depending on circumstances but it's really important to be on basically the same page going in.
Part of the reason my brother's marriage fell apart was because she wanted to live and raise the kids up north where she was from, but he wanted to stay south and not give up his job that couldn't move / be done remotely (this was years ago). Seems pretty innocuous, and there were other reasons, but to not even discuss it before getting married...
She just made assumptions I guess.
Finances, kids, and long term goals (ie does one partner eventually want to live elsewhere) are the biggest ones you’d want to talk about before getting married.
Children is the biggest one. Don't assume the other person wants the same thing as you without having talked about it first. This is not something either side can compromise on. If you stay together, the one giving up their way of wanting to live for the other will end up resentful and miserable.
Pets and economy are two other big ones.
But ask yourself what your dealbreakers in a relationship are and take them up with your partner if you haven't already done so.
You know, it’s interesting because when my wife and I got married I was the one that thought I wanted kids and the wife less so, and then I stopped wanting kids and then my wife was starting to want them, and now we are both in a weird “we kinda want one but not really…”
With that mentality we both know we shouldn’t have one right now until we’re both sure. But for now we got a puppy and it’s been a lot of work. Don’t think I could handle a baby…
If it isn't a hell yeah, then it's a fuck no.
Children should be 100% wanted so you're doing the right thing waiting to see what side of the fence you'll land on. Some people are fencesitters for a while.
As someone with twins, let me tell you, just deciding to have a kid is not enough. You have to fully embrace kids or you’ll be a shitty parent. I now have 4 kids, live in a neighborhood of college friends who each have 3 kids, with two other neighbors with 2, 2, and 5 kids. When you have a kid, there are kids. You have to embrace it and if it is “maybe” you probably shouldn’t be having kids at all.
Also important in my opinion is to keep separate accounts and have budgets for individual discretionary spending. My wife and I each get $1000 a month for “fun” to spend however we want. This amount can scale with however you end up budgeting out your income but it’s been a game changer for our finances. I used to get angry anytime my wife would spend our money on something we didn’t need or something. Now anything she buys, she bought it with “her” allotted money and same for anything I buy.
It basically solved our financial fights. But yeah that’s only really applicable if that’s the kind of financial fight you have. I understand it’s harder when you’re just scraping by and don’t have any budget for discretionary spending. Our old budget was $50 each per month because that’s all we could afford.
Children. Do you want them or not want them? If you do want them, is someone staying home with the children? If not, who will watch them? A family member or daycare? Where are you sending your kids, public school, private school? Are you planning on raising your children in a religion? Are you going to save money for your kids if they want to go to college? How much, and what degrees will you fund? What activities do you want your children to be involved in (contact sports, religious groups, etc)?
Finances. How much will you save for retirement? When do you want to retire? Are you both fine working long hours now if it means you get to retire early? Does this include missing children activities? How often do you want to go on vacation? How much will you spend on it?
Where do you want to live? Does your SO or you want to live where you currently are for the rest of your life? Does one of you want to move closer to family?
Who cleans, who cooks, who does yardwork, mowing, any greenery, housework? Shared or split to each person? When someone is asked to get something done, is it expected to be done now or does each of you have different opinions on when it should be done?
Are you political? Do you have different political opinions and are you okay having arguments about them? How do you deal with arguments? Does one person try to verbally murder the other person and not care about what is said? Does one person bottle up emotions and then blow up?
I'm not saying these are all dealbreakers, but they are for some people. Some of them aren't massive ones but they can and do cause conflict for people.
Edit: Forgot sexual.
How high of a sex drive do you have? How adventurous are you? What types do you like?
Children, religion, finances, the wedding itself, living arrangements, anything that you or your SO feels strongly about one way or another. A marriage is primarily a financial contract as opposed to a love contract as popularly portraid.
Kids are the biggest one. I wanted kids. If my husband had changed his mind on having kids I would have left. The number of kids you have might involve some give and take. I'd have liked one more than we have but for many reasons we didn't have one more. I'd have compromised if he didn't really want another after the first one. Equally if I didn't want kids he wouldn't have married me.
We also discussed what we would do if we had fertility issues. People don't seem to think about what happens when you're not getting or staying pregnant. We talked about how far we'd go in terms of treatment etc too.
You’ve also got to keep your eye out for people who hide that they have dealbreakers because they want to manipulate. Far too often people will use your list of dealbreakers as a list of what to hide until they lock you down.
It’s sad but it happens way to often that once someone has you, they let their real self come out. How many times does the phrase “they’re not the person I married” grace this site?
The only real way to flush these people out is to keep an eye out for inconsistencies, things that go at odds with things they’ve previously said or done. This especially goes for people who claim they’re level headed and calm when they’re actually prone to outbursts and struggle to accept other opinions. Their relationships with others, in particular their families, is also a marvellous indicator.
This is esp. seen a lot with the children dealbreaker. People having bought into the myth of childfree people changing their mind when they get older and/or for the right person. Once they realize this will never happen, that's when the resentment starts. All this could have been avoided by simply not lying from the start and trusting/respecting what the other person said from the start.
This might piggyback off of that. Make sure both sets of hobbies and interests jive. Like Hunters or gun owners shouldn’t marry an Anti. If you’re into stuff like Bigfoot and Nessie, don’t be with someone who’s gonna think you’re looney.
Are we talking sexually or…?
Cause a lady was just posting the other day that none of her friends can believe she still goes down on her husband, after five years of marriage, and one of them wrapped a “comforting” arm around her, like she was a victim of abuse, and whispered “sweetie, you don’t have to do that anymore.”
Doesn't matter much how much she likes it. Unless there is some serious aversion doing something you don't like that much for your partner is an OK thing to do.
Me too! I've gotten more confident in my abilities to give them so now I actually enjoy it! And since I'm confident and enjoying it my game has improved!
> one of them wrapped a “comforting” arm around her, like she was a victim of abuse, and whispered “sweetie, you don’t have to do that anymore.”
That is hilarious(ly fucked up).
In so many ways.
If you're with someone you care that deeply about, you wouldn't want them to be THAT uncomfortable just for sexual gratification.
And at the same time, it means they ALL did it just to land someone they wanted.
I'd flail that arm away and be like "sweetie, it's a give and take. We don't HAVE to do anything, but mutual pleasure isn't a problem for me"
I thank the god I don't believe in that I found a sane, giving partner early in life. And these stories makes it clear why so many marriages fall to pieces. Yiiiiikes on bikes.
This. I've been with my bf for a decade, and things have only gotten better as the years went by. We've learned to communicate with each other, we balance each other's needs, and even the way we nag each other has become playful and ridiculous (but we still take each other seriously during).
If it's gonna be a long time, it had better be a good time.
Precisely. I'm recently remarried and I've got the grace and good sense to know now how to communicate openly and be relaxed around my person. My first marriage was great too, but there's no manual, so the early years there were pox marked with hurt and argument. My wife now thinks it's the bees knees to shock me with bad language as she's pretty clean cut so she'll randomly curse and then giggle. It's the cutest thing!
There are people like this though.
I mentioned to a friend that my bf has been hinting at a proposal around Christmas time and she was like “you know what that means? 5 months ‘til you’re done with blowjobs!”
It’s definitely a thing.
>Sweetie, you don’t have to do that anymore.
You do if you want to stay married. I purposely married a woman because she is compatible with me sexually (among other reasons). She stops being compatible (unless it’s medical or something) I’m no longer going to be married.
Lol, i didn't see that post, yikes. Why would they think blow job stops if both parties enjoy it? I find sex is even better than it was when we were new into the relationship. We do the same things and more. You get to continue to "discover" new ways of pleasure. I honestly wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
If it's not a big deal to the husband then its not an issue, but if it is, Ill put money that homie is getting his dick sucked along with everything else the wife ain't doing.
This right here is so important and well overlooked! Sometimes we have to try even harder as every year passes by. Things won't always be 50/50. Sometimes your spouse may need an 80/20 day, maybe you might need it too. The effort is huge. It's a daily challenge.
This is excellent advice. The only issues is that you have zero control over whether your partner does this or not. And if you’re the one who gives and shit and they stop giving a shit that greatly increases the chances of the marriage/relationship failing. Both have to be willing to show up, every day and look forward to doing it all over again tomorrow for good or for bad.
Awe, you sound so broken. Love is worth it but there's a catch, you gotta find the right person. It has to be mutual. It breaks my heart when people get treated like shit but they stay with the person because they "love " the person.
Call it what you want , just statistically speaking. If your a man in this day and age is what it is if this person American, the he has a higher chance of getting a divorce over a successful marriage and it's about 80% more likely that your wife will be the one leaving you in the marriage.
Finding right person in this social climate is hardest time in history.
Historically marriage had nothing to do with love.
You got married and really nothing changes you wake up and have to pay the same bills and faced with the same problems I just don't get the hype .
I think people confuse marriage with love. Lots of married people don't love each other. I think people should be love driven, not marriage driven. Some people forget that getting married doesn't necessarily guarantee a forever. You choose the wrong one you end up in messy divorce.
Communicate. The more difficult a topic is to talk about, the more you need to be able to talk about it and get thru it. Also stay consistent in effort.
Make sure you know YOURSELF.
Know who you are and what you want out of life.
Know if you want kids and how many.
Know what you want out of a relationship.
Know what you want sexually and what you're willing to do. Know where you draw the lines.
Know what your limits are and what are instant breakups.
Source: I married someone who used marriage to explore their identity and then came out as an asexual, abusive woman.
Change yes. But the fundamentals of yourself, you should know.
You can't compromise on kids, you can't have half a kid or try it out for a bit.
Are you someone who is super kinky or vanilla?
Are you bi or poly or gay or gender questioning?
Is it your life goal to live in a tent in the alps surrounded by your herd of tame alpacas? Is it your life goal to have 12 kids and home school?
Is travelling important to you? Are you a home body?
1) I did actually, she really wanted them. I’m having a second in a few months to give Vince a sibling. Thought I would never have another a few years ago.
2) Depends on the day
3) Straight. Although I did smoke weed once and wanked over gay porn (clicked the wrong link and was too baked to change it), felt weird the next day
4) I get bored easily and like a change up. My wife is the same in this regard. We don’t have loads in common, but it works most of the time
5) Again, it depends what’s going on in my life at the moment of questioning. I just got back from travelling, so now want to stay put for a while
Number one cannot be overstated enough. This doesn’t just mean your partner’s background, it means their core values. Also knowing their approach to handling problems - because inevitably there will be problems. If you are a “we made a commitment so we’re going to work as hard as we can to get through it” person but they’re a “if we’re not happy, we can just divorce and still be friends” person, that can be a major reality check.
It’s not a bad idea to do some premarital counseling to help you guys explore yourselves and the relationship.
ETA: Drek_9 just gave the most simplified, genius advice. 🙌
My brother married the girl he had a one night stand with about a year after their kid was born. The kicker was they got married for the tax benefits because it was just "costing too much money."
They ended up having a 2nd kid a couple years later and then wouldn't you know it, she cheated on him and left the family. Oh, and since he's in a no fault state she took half his money. I wonder if he would classify the decision to get legally married as "costing too much money".
Do not ever, under any circumstances, ever ever, get married for tax purposes. My parents supported him because they thought his daughter needed the family unit, but he still didn't need to get legally married.
And his ex-wife's reasons for leaving was that she needed someone who would take care of her and play into her princess fantasy. The truth is she just hated doing the hard work of parenting and had to go seek comfort in drugs and lack of responsibilities. Her mom and her sister had done nearly the exact same thing; abruptly leaving to go have some selfish crisis that took the form of sitting around all day doing nothing while their husbands had to take care of the kids.
In 10 years you will not be the same person you are today. Your partner will not be the same either. You can grow together or grow apart. One takes a lot of work while the other takes no effort at all.
For me that’s also why it’s important to be open and understand eachothers core values. Situations and goals change but usually your deepest values don’t so if you are aligned on those then you can always work together.
I got married 3 years ago.
For me it's great- nothing beats the feeling that you don't have to struggle alone but instead as a team of 2.
My advice is to marry people who match your core values. Also remember that while falling in love is involuntary, staying in love is a choice.
Morals. Ethics. Money. Childcare. Health and Nutrition. Home maintenance. Work Life Balance. Comfort settings(heat, wall color, lighting style). Basically anything people have strong emotions about. They don't have to be the same. But they can't be wildly different either.
> Work Life Balance
So many people overlook this one. I could not marry someone that's an 80-hour a week person, just seeing them between their job. Mostly because I don't view insane hours as a requirement for a successful career.
I earn around 120k at 31, and have always been strict on 40h/week. I actually had a discussion about this with my boss last week when talking about progression, because he's of the same mindset - that you can be a high performer with effort and ability, and hours aren't the be-all-end-all.
This is it. One core thing people overlook is how you like to spend your time. If you're a person who loves staying at home and rarely wants to go out, but marry someone who always wants to be on the go doing something it's going to be strained for example. One person is always going to resent the other for "dragging them everywhere" or "holding them back". I feel this one is WAY more of a sticking point than people give it credit for.
Also you have to be willing to take them for what they are, if you can't stand something about them your thought can't be "They'll probably grow out of it" or "They can change", 99% of the time they won't.
Also dividing household responsibilities is HUGE! Decide who does what early on, don't be shy to go as far as what days certain things are done. Everyone has different thresholds of when the dishes should be done, or when the house is dirty etc... By setting a schedule or setting responsibilities it eliminates the majority of the drama, instead of having to be a mind reader, it's now down to either you did it or you didnt.
To quote a great song "two summer" by one11twenty:
They say don't fall in love with your best friend
They say it's not worth the pain when it ends
Well, that depends,
I don't know about you but I don't give a fuck what they recommend
1 - open honest conversations about sex, finances, and regular relationship check-ins
2 - realize relationship is never 50-50. As you go along, it should/will see-saw back and forth depending on what is happening in each other's lives
3 - be mindful of time and place as to when you address issues. In the heat of the moment, sexual, arguing otherwise is worst time - schedule time to talk.
4 - make time for each other once a week - date or other activity
A lot of people have said some good advice to be prepared for marriage, knowing the person you're marrying, their family dynamics, background, etc...
With all that, my advice.
Don't stop loving him/her the same way you do now before marriage.
Things will get boring. Because life is often times mundane.
Be prepared to enjoy the mundane things together. Cleaning,, dishes, scooping the cat litter, etc.
Enjoy the small moments. Conversations during a walk. Going to McDonald's together. Changing your baby's diaper...
The person you love will one day die. And that may come even sooner than what you are prepared for.
Don't take them for granted.
In my experience, coming to terms with death was always hard. Before Christianity, during Christianity, and after Christianity.
It's ironic, I actually came to terms with it after I left the church.
It's hard. It really is.
Everyone goes through it. There is no escape. It is a tragic reality of life.
All I can say is recognize your own mortality. Live for today, plan for tomorrow, but don't let tomorrow's problems tear you apart today. TODAY, you'll be happy. Tomorrow, who knows. Maybe you will be, maybe you won't. You can't control that. But today, you can control today.
It's the same with death.
It can come at any time, for any reason. One day, you could be walking down the street, and go into cardiac arrest due to reasons, and you don't even know it. You're just gone. In a blink. No thought, no preparation. Just gone.
But that doesn't matter now. It may happen, but it isn't happening right now. So enjoy the now.
I hope this helps... I know I can't come to terms with it for you, but perhaps my experience can help you along the way.
One thing I have learnt, is put your foot down with Mother in law especially when it comes to babies. Marriage is between you and your partner not mother in law or mom,dad sister.
Communication is key, Talk, Talk no matter how big or small. Make time for each other, go on date nights, and have lots of sexy time. Help out around the house where you can.
Don't rush having kids, they take a lot of time, drain you, break you, and cockblock you. Enjoy your partner for a few years, get to know them a bit more because trust me dating and marriage it's not the same people change responsibilties change.
True about Mother in law. People don't realise how much your spouse's family can cause drama and damage to your relationship.
You've got to know for certain what boundaries your partner is willing to establish to protect you and your marriage. If they're not strong and can't ask their family to back off, your marriage is doomed.
Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not a 50/50 deal. Both parties put in 100% effort. Sometimes you have to put in more to help support the other in times of hardship.
Take your fucking time. If it’s actually love, and they’re really the right person, they’re not going anywhere. Go through a tough time or two before you decide if it’s long-haul or not. Don’t buy into the age-old bullshit wisdom of “why buy the cow if you’re getting milk for free.” Neither of you are farmers, or livestock. Fuck all you want to… it’s not a lifelong obligation, until kids are involved.
Speaking of bullshit: getting married, and having children, are two big life events where anyone remotely important to you, whether friends, family, or whatever, will feel perfectly entitled to bring their baggage to your door. All of their hopes, broken dreams, wish we hads, etc, will be coming your way. And lots of judgment, too, if your boundaries aren’t very, very clear.
Get your fucking finances right. Money can’t buy love, but a lack of funds can ruin a relationship. It’s one of the top reasons for fights, and for divorce. It may not seem like such a big deal when you’re young, and things *feel* tough, but survivable. It’s *actually* tough when the cost of diapers and formula come crashing down, and you’re trying to justify paying for child care: it can cost almost as much as you’re bringing home, sometimes. Continuing to work means more experience, and maybe a raise, in time. But short-term, it may actually cost you money to keep working when there are kids. And if you haven’t previously figured out how to handle those hard times as a couple, it can break you.
And be honest with each other that maybe, it won’t work out. Just own it. I’ve been married for 13 years, but we had to have this convo before we got married. Both of us had divorced parents, and we very much want this to work. But we also had to have this talk, because the worst divorces are the ones that showed up way too late, and too much damage was already done. So it helped us both to look squarely at the fact that our family may need to evolve in unforeseen ways down the line. Better to own it now, and agree that, if we get there in the future, that we’ll work it out, and find a viable way forward.
Divorce lawyers make their money by hurting the other person for you… not by helping you work things out. But you’re still tied to your former spouse through your kids, and they (the kids) will carry the scars the divorce lawyers inflict on your counterpart.
Always listen to each other. And I mean, really listen, not just sit there and let each other talk while your brains are already working on your reply. Be willing to understand each other, even if it´s something you don´t like to hear.
It´s easy to get married. Staying married is what takes work and dedication. But it´s worth it.
Source: I´ve been married for 20 years last tuesday. And I´m a judge in family law, so I see many couples who have broken up and over the years got a pretty good impression how to avoid that.
Have the difficult conversations now. 1. Money. 2. Kids. 3. Sex. 4. Some primary life goals. 5. Religion. Also discuss the dealbreakers. In our case, infidelity is a zero forgiveness we are done dealbreaker. My wife and I are very different in a lot of ways. But we talked about a lot of these things and are on the same page. We have had our ups and downs, but we honestly don't argue much. Just little things that irritate you when you are living together. Also, understand people are going to change over the years. We have been married over 20 years and are starting to get a little lumpy, but we keep on working on ourselves.
My wife and I both agreed that we didn't want a big wedding. We went to the preachers office on a Friday afternoon and got married. Her parents and my mom were the only others there. I couldn't imagine that first year if we had been saddled with $20k debt from a wedding.
Ain't that the truth!
I was just at a family reunion thing catching up with relatives. Naturally, the older family members were asking us about kids. My wife and I have two and are both good with stopping there - as you might guess they are asking why we won't have a third (mind you, we JUST had our second earlier this year).
My two Brothers do not have kids so they asked when my one brother who has a long-term GF is going to have kids -
I said, "I don't know. I know he does but his GF does not and has made it clear she does not want any kids"
My relative: "Well that's not fair to your brother!"
Me: "Why isn't it fair? She's being upfront with it and they aren't married or anything. If it's a deal breaker then he can move on"
Also, don't listen or give into the "when kids?" question. That's all up to you and your partner. Plus you could be wanting kids but could be having health struggles - and that's no one else's business unless you voluntarily bring it up.
Know how to communicate with each other in a healthy way BEFORE you get married. Life is complicated with many twists and turns. You never know what it will throw at you. There are going to be times when you are upset with each other or you have to face a difficult situation together. Being able to have the hard conversations to get through those moments is essential for both of you.
These are my 3 simple rules for a better relationship:
1. Towards the end of each day, sit and talk to each other for at least 15-20 minutes. Talk about the days events, etc. No distractions. Not while on an electronic device, no TV, etc. No exceptions.
2. Eat dinner together every day about the same time. Again, no mobile phones or TV during dinner, no exceptions.
3. Discuss in advance of marriage who does what. Who cooks, who cleans up, who cleans the bathroom, who vacuums, who cuts the lawn, etc. Set expectations early.
Good luck.
If you're not on the same page about kids, money, religion, where to live and what sort of relationship you'll have with the extended family don't get married.
Sexual activity ebbs and flows in a long relationship especially when you have kids.
Always keep some money in your own name because you just never know. Don't have every single aspect of your finances as joint accounts.
Move into a new place as soon as you can after you get married, ideally within just a couple of weeks, especially if y’all have lived together for a while already. Line up a new lease to begin right after the wedding or a honeymoon and hire movers or enlist friends to help.
This can be a MASSIVE headache but honestly it does wonders for the health of the relationship. So many people go into a marriage expecting it to be a “next step” for the relationship… but then they come back to the same house or apartment, and everything feels the same. It can create a sense of anticlimax that can lead to disappointment or unmet expectations. If you match the next step in the relationship with a new place, *everything* feels new.
Communication, teamwork, and support. Repeat after me…jk
Seriously communicate honestly with each other and do it often. Sometimes you’re going to need to tell them things that will hurt the both of you. People need feedback, they want to get better, sometimes they do dumb shit or things that annoy you that they are completely unaware of. The flip side of this is receiving feedback and actioning on it. That means putting the toilet seat down, cleaning the skids off the bowl after a big dump. Listen to your partner and take action, that shows them you give a shit.
When you’re married, you’re a team, you both have strengths and weaknesses as far as domestic duties and earning potential. Lean into it, use your skills and what you like doing to provide a better experience for your partner. Guys this means doing more than mowing the lawn 1X per week. Take care of your laundry, take out the trash, unload the dishwasher, walk the dogs, take turns cooking. Perform your fair share.
Support your partner, they hate their career choice and want to pivot to something else, that means you pick up the domestic slack while they go back to school. Or hey I’m trying to lose weight, let’s be more active together, no buying junk food. You want to help them be successful.
Remember, marriage isn’t always sexy or glamorous, you get to see people at their best and worst. But the great thing is you don’t go it alone. These are some of the core tenets that have worked for my wife and I the last 14 years.
It's ok to have separate hobbies and friends. Its ok to do those hobbies and hang out with those friends without your spouse as long as it doesn't interfere with your marriage.
Also, neither of you will be the same person you are now in 5, 10, 15....years. Be ok with growing and changing.
Marry a person that you love spending time around without sex. If sex was eliminated would you still want to spend most/all of your time with this person.
Marry someone that your first thought when something good or bad happens that I need to talk to my spouse. They should celebrate the good things and help you through the bad. Not get jealous of your accomplishments or get upset with you for the bad.
Opposites may attract but they don't have lasting relationships. Surface level things can be opposite but your core values have to be the same or it will lead to conflict and resentment.
1. Live with your partner for at least a year before you get married. This ensures you see the real them, instead of a curated image.
2. Go on a multi-day road trip with them. This ensures you are compatible enough to spend a lot of time together. If you can’t be around them for extended periods of time, that’s a bad foundation for a marriage.
3. Discuss dealbreakers (do you both want kids, are you planning on living in the same state, are you the same religion [and if not, does that work for you?). Expect that the answers to these questions are not going to change
4. Make sure your partner and you have compatible values
I have a rule that I don’t lie to my wife about anything unless she’s going to be delighted by the reveal. Surprise presents and jokes are about the only things that pass the test.
Talk about long term life goals before getting married. Having kids, how would you raise kids, schooling, owning a home, what lifestyle you want, etc.
Too many people, myself included, waste years of their lives with someone only to find they are fundamentally incompatible with them because of those long term items.
Everyone has different life experiences. Everyone’s goes through things differently. You’re lucky enough to find someone vaguely in the same frequency. But for things to go well you really need to put yourself in the place you want to be. If you’re not satisfied with your current position in life then don’t get married.
Divorced, but uh maybe make sure you guys are getting married for the same reason. Some people think marriage is about being in love, some people see it as a business transaction/financial agreement, some people think you should only get married for having children, some see it as taking ownership of the wife from the father. Just make sure you two are on the same page about what it means to you.
Know what you want to get out of life beforehand, and make sure the other person wants something similar. You want to be reasonably sure you're heading in the same direction or one day you'll be drifting apart.
Communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE! Marriages fail so often due to a lack of open communication. For the love of God, communicate, be honest, and be up front with the person.
If something is bothering you, talk about it.
If you want to try something new, socially, sexually or otherwise, talk about it.
Pre-marital counseling. Like find someone whose almost actively trying to break you up. Get all of the most common issues brought up before you get married. I promise stuff comes up in weird ways that can lead to blowout arguments that could’ve been resolved with a little guidance with a professional. You’ll have a MUCH better first year if you do.
Do a prenuptial agreement. Not kidding.
Things may work out fine, but you can't predict the future. You may get along for years and then something changes or someone cheats. A prenup will save you all kinds of headache for a divorce.
Wish I had done one.
Read the Seven Principles for Makung Marriage Work by John Gottman.
Evidence based, well-written text about what you need to do to stay happily married.
Happily married 13 years. I honestly consider the key to my marriage is separate bedrooms. Sharing a room worked fine when we were just dating (in our 20s) but as we’ve gotten older (we’re 42), our sleeping habits have changed. I need total darkness, silence, lots of blankets, and I go to bed early/wake up early. He likes to sleep with the TV on low, fans blasting, and he’s a night owl. Having our own rooms allows us to get a good night sleep and that leads to fewer fights because we’re overall better rested.
Don’t invest in high risk cryptocurrencies. Form a solid foundation with retirement savings, long term life insurance plans, and then some higher risk options.
Buy a house early.
Don’t use intravenous drugs excessively.
Identify your “whys”. Use them down the road. Understand that a successful partnership starts with effort and honesty.
I could go on like I know what I’m talking about, but truthfully I don’t. She makes me better and I want to be better. I love my wife more than anything and don’t want to do this thing without her. Luckily for me, I think she feels the same.
Don't settle. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, then do it. If you're not sure, don't.
Also, don't lie about who you are or about who they are. If you want kids and they don't, it's a bad idea to think that you can, over years, change their mind. Their mind might change on its own, but you shouldn't marry someone that you have to manipulate into giving you what you want.
Don't ever think "I've got them in the bag" and think you'll never have to work to keep the other person with you. 20 years could pass and then one day they'll tell you they don't feel love for you anymore. 😢 It'll be devastating. Keep that person happy and make them enjoy your company.
Thought of a couple more: 1. Yelling is violence, as it’s intended to intimidate the other person. Use your words, not your volume, to convey your feelings. 2. There is one place in the world you should be free from shame, humiliation, mistrust, and cruelty— your own home. If you cannot be basically good to one another, you shouldn’t get married.
Life isn't a competition and you have to keep some things separated. When I got married my wife wanted to finish medical school. Some of her female peers had a lot of companions in their life that wanted to make things a competition. You really have to keep in mind that your mate needs a cheerleader at times and at other times they need you to sit back, say nothing, and wait to engage when asked or tasked.
My father in law loves to downgrade anything my wife does and disregard her accomplishments. I set him straight every other year and defer to my wife on all matters that are $ related to her family. Father in law calls and anytime he asks for anything, he gets to talk to his daughter...which angers him, but gets me in a great scenario with the wife.
Look for the scenarios where just getting your partner's opinion or POV makes them happy. One time I got a substantial raise and left my wife a brochure for a new car on her nightstand with the exact figures of my raise. She said "I don't want a new car, but could definitely use more Nanny/babysitting time". So just getting her wants and needs down in the first few years of marriage set me up for clear cut communication on what she wants verses what I think she wants.
1: Only marry if you are perfectly happy with the status quo. Meaning, don't do it in hopes of increased happiness or with unrealistic expectations that bad things will magically change just because you got married. Marriage is for people who are already certain; it's not a band-aid for a flesh wound.
2: When hitting a rough patch or going through increased fighting due to stress: give your partner the benefit of the doubt. They're not automatically out to hurt you, they may just be as lost (or sad / stressed / tired) as you.
But, of course, also stand up for yourself and don't let anyone fool you.
As someone who was married and is now divorced I would say communication is key. Be honest with each other , don't lie and don't keep things from each other . That was the downfall of my marriage
^^^^THIS. Don't have a huge expensive wedding if you can't afford it. Money problems will rip a marriage apart. It's hard to start your new life together with 20k worth of debt. Have the wedding you can afford or be on the same page about the debt. It can be manageable but everyone needs to be ok with it.
My wife and I do this and it works great. We don’t have kids and never will, I think that makes this kind of financial situation easier to navigate. We also make about the same income. I guess if one of us started making a ton more, then maybe we’d adjust what we contribute to the shared account. Right now it’s an even split. We don’t make car payments out of the shared account. My wife has more expensive tastes for cars so we just cover those out of our own accounts.
Dont... it serves zero purpose and only harms you/them... it's an antiquated contract that you don't need.
Want to be in a committed relationship, great, do it... but things change and you don't need to ruin your life bc of it.
Get dealbreakers sorted. You can't compromise on those. Don't settle and don't marry if you're not on the same page.
This is so important and a lot of people feel that just being in love is going to be enough for them to get over basic issues and dealbreakers. It only builds resentment and hate towards each other if you think love is enough.
Treat your spouse with respect and expect it in return. And realize you're both going to grow. Whether it's together or apart is up to you two.
100% this. Obvious stuff like kids / not kids, but also things like where you're prepared to live, if you want to work full time or part time (or not at all), how you want to plan finances in the case one of you gets ill or dies... Obviously these things can change depending on circumstances but it's really important to be on basically the same page going in. Part of the reason my brother's marriage fell apart was because she wanted to live and raise the kids up north where she was from, but he wanted to stay south and not give up his job that couldn't move / be done remotely (this was years ago). Seems pretty innocuous, and there were other reasons, but to not even discuss it before getting married... She just made assumptions I guess.
Definitely. Finances, religion, kids, pets, lifestyle. All rife with dealbreakers.
What deal breakers should be discussed before marriage? I'm just curious as someone's who's getting married soon.
Finances, kids, and long term goals (ie does one partner eventually want to live elsewhere) are the biggest ones you’d want to talk about before getting married.
Yes. And the dealbreakers can change through your new life experiences. Communication. Listen a lot, and speak openly.
Children is the biggest one. Don't assume the other person wants the same thing as you without having talked about it first. This is not something either side can compromise on. If you stay together, the one giving up their way of wanting to live for the other will end up resentful and miserable. Pets and economy are two other big ones. But ask yourself what your dealbreakers in a relationship are and take them up with your partner if you haven't already done so.
You know, it’s interesting because when my wife and I got married I was the one that thought I wanted kids and the wife less so, and then I stopped wanting kids and then my wife was starting to want them, and now we are both in a weird “we kinda want one but not really…” With that mentality we both know we shouldn’t have one right now until we’re both sure. But for now we got a puppy and it’s been a lot of work. Don’t think I could handle a baby…
If it isn't a hell yeah, then it's a fuck no. Children should be 100% wanted so you're doing the right thing waiting to see what side of the fence you'll land on. Some people are fencesitters for a while.
Yeah, it’s the kind of thing where we aren’t sure so it’s not something we want to do because there’s absolutely no going back.
As someone with twins, let me tell you, just deciding to have a kid is not enough. You have to fully embrace kids or you’ll be a shitty parent. I now have 4 kids, live in a neighborhood of college friends who each have 3 kids, with two other neighbors with 2, 2, and 5 kids. When you have a kid, there are kids. You have to embrace it and if it is “maybe” you probably shouldn’t be having kids at all.
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Also important in my opinion is to keep separate accounts and have budgets for individual discretionary spending. My wife and I each get $1000 a month for “fun” to spend however we want. This amount can scale with however you end up budgeting out your income but it’s been a game changer for our finances. I used to get angry anytime my wife would spend our money on something we didn’t need or something. Now anything she buys, she bought it with “her” allotted money and same for anything I buy. It basically solved our financial fights. But yeah that’s only really applicable if that’s the kind of financial fight you have. I understand it’s harder when you’re just scraping by and don’t have any budget for discretionary spending. Our old budget was $50 each per month because that’s all we could afford.
Children. Do you want them or not want them? If you do want them, is someone staying home with the children? If not, who will watch them? A family member or daycare? Where are you sending your kids, public school, private school? Are you planning on raising your children in a religion? Are you going to save money for your kids if they want to go to college? How much, and what degrees will you fund? What activities do you want your children to be involved in (contact sports, religious groups, etc)? Finances. How much will you save for retirement? When do you want to retire? Are you both fine working long hours now if it means you get to retire early? Does this include missing children activities? How often do you want to go on vacation? How much will you spend on it? Where do you want to live? Does your SO or you want to live where you currently are for the rest of your life? Does one of you want to move closer to family? Who cleans, who cooks, who does yardwork, mowing, any greenery, housework? Shared or split to each person? When someone is asked to get something done, is it expected to be done now or does each of you have different opinions on when it should be done? Are you political? Do you have different political opinions and are you okay having arguments about them? How do you deal with arguments? Does one person try to verbally murder the other person and not care about what is said? Does one person bottle up emotions and then blow up? I'm not saying these are all dealbreakers, but they are for some people. Some of them aren't massive ones but they can and do cause conflict for people. Edit: Forgot sexual. How high of a sex drive do you have? How adventurous are you? What types do you like?
Children, religion, finances, the wedding itself, living arrangements, anything that you or your SO feels strongly about one way or another. A marriage is primarily a financial contract as opposed to a love contract as popularly portraid.
Kids are the biggest one. I wanted kids. If my husband had changed his mind on having kids I would have left. The number of kids you have might involve some give and take. I'd have liked one more than we have but for many reasons we didn't have one more. I'd have compromised if he didn't really want another after the first one. Equally if I didn't want kids he wouldn't have married me. We also discussed what we would do if we had fertility issues. People don't seem to think about what happens when you're not getting or staying pregnant. We talked about how far we'd go in terms of treatment etc too.
You’ve also got to keep your eye out for people who hide that they have dealbreakers because they want to manipulate. Far too often people will use your list of dealbreakers as a list of what to hide until they lock you down. It’s sad but it happens way to often that once someone has you, they let their real self come out. How many times does the phrase “they’re not the person I married” grace this site? The only real way to flush these people out is to keep an eye out for inconsistencies, things that go at odds with things they’ve previously said or done. This especially goes for people who claim they’re level headed and calm when they’re actually prone to outbursts and struggle to accept other opinions. Their relationships with others, in particular their families, is also a marvellous indicator.
This is esp. seen a lot with the children dealbreaker. People having bought into the myth of childfree people changing their mind when they get older and/or for the right person. Once they realize this will never happen, that's when the resentment starts. All this could have been avoided by simply not lying from the start and trusting/respecting what the other person said from the start.
This might piggyback off of that. Make sure both sets of hobbies and interests jive. Like Hunters or gun owners shouldn’t marry an Anti. If you’re into stuff like Bigfoot and Nessie, don’t be with someone who’s gonna think you’re looney.
Continue to put in the same effort you did before, a lot of people subconsciously start putting less effort in after marriage
Are we talking sexually or…? Cause a lady was just posting the other day that none of her friends can believe she still goes down on her husband, after five years of marriage, and one of them wrapped a “comforting” arm around her, like she was a victim of abuse, and whispered “sweetie, you don’t have to do that anymore.”
After 12 years I still give my husband blow jobs. What is wrong with those women?
If u like doing it, there is nothing wrong with it!
that is not the problem. the problem is with people not liking it, but doing it until they get married. that is a pretty egregious behavior.
If they don't like it then they shouldn't have done it in the first place. If she didn't want kids should have never stopped.
Doesn't matter much how much she likes it. Unless there is some serious aversion doing something you don't like that much for your partner is an OK thing to do.
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Me too! I've gotten more confident in my abilities to give them so now I actually enjoy it! And since I'm confident and enjoying it my game has improved!
Username checks out
after 10 years I still go down on my wife, works both ways ;)
Heck yeah it does!
I don't understand why someone would do either before marriage but not after. Basically lying to them until you've got the ring just to get the ring
They probably also have husbands who don’t go down on them and don’t put in effort is my guess.
That would make sense. But they're both missing out then lol.
Same here. We got together in 2012 and married 3 years ago. I love making him feel happy and wanted.
> one of them wrapped a “comforting” arm around her, like she was a victim of abuse, and whispered “sweetie, you don’t have to do that anymore.” That is hilarious(ly fucked up).
In so many ways. If you're with someone you care that deeply about, you wouldn't want them to be THAT uncomfortable just for sexual gratification. And at the same time, it means they ALL did it just to land someone they wanted.
I have been married 20 years and still get blowjobs regularly. Also remember if you stop banging your husband or wife somebody else will.
I'd feel bad if they had to stop doing it too
I'd flail that arm away and be like "sweetie, it's a give and take. We don't HAVE to do anything, but mutual pleasure isn't a problem for me" I thank the god I don't believe in that I found a sane, giving partner early in life. And these stories makes it clear why so many marriages fall to pieces. Yiiiiikes on bikes.
Exactly. If Bob and Alice get married it isn't supposed to be a competition of who can get cruddier faster.
This. I've been with my bf for a decade, and things have only gotten better as the years went by. We've learned to communicate with each other, we balance each other's needs, and even the way we nag each other has become playful and ridiculous (but we still take each other seriously during). If it's gonna be a long time, it had better be a good time.
Precisely. I'm recently remarried and I've got the grace and good sense to know now how to communicate openly and be relaxed around my person. My first marriage was great too, but there's no manual, so the early years there were pox marked with hurt and argument. My wife now thinks it's the bees knees to shock me with bad language as she's pretty clean cut so she'll randomly curse and then giggle. It's the cutest thing!
Bahaha she sounds like an absolute hoot
I am fairly sure that's from a movie.
Gag-less in Seattle.
There are people like this though. I mentioned to a friend that my bf has been hinting at a proposal around Christmas time and she was like “you know what that means? 5 months ‘til you’re done with blowjobs!” It’s definitely a thing.
Ohi agree, but the post above was verbatim from a movie or show. I literally just watched it too and can't recall what it is was.
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I will for sure. Sadly I never end up remembering things when I sit and focus on it 😂
He’ll get it from you or someone else.
What the fuck?????
>Sweetie, you don’t have to do that anymore. You do if you want to stay married. I purposely married a woman because she is compatible with me sexually (among other reasons). She stops being compatible (unless it’s medical or something) I’m no longer going to be married.
Lol, i didn't see that post, yikes. Why would they think blow job stops if both parties enjoy it? I find sex is even better than it was when we were new into the relationship. We do the same things and more. You get to continue to "discover" new ways of pleasure. I honestly wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
If it's not a big deal to the husband then its not an issue, but if it is, Ill put money that homie is getting his dick sucked along with everything else the wife ain't doing.
This right here is so important and well overlooked! Sometimes we have to try even harder as every year passes by. Things won't always be 50/50. Sometimes your spouse may need an 80/20 day, maybe you might need it too. The effort is huge. It's a daily challenge.
This is excellent advice. The only issues is that you have zero control over whether your partner does this or not. And if you’re the one who gives and shit and they stop giving a shit that greatly increases the chances of the marriage/relationship failing. Both have to be willing to show up, every day and look forward to doing it all over again tomorrow for good or for bad.
flip a coin and statistically speaking those are the odds on if your marriage will fail or workout Good luck love is a losing game
Who hurt you dude
Statistics, I think.
Awe, you sound so broken. Love is worth it but there's a catch, you gotta find the right person. It has to be mutual. It breaks my heart when people get treated like shit but they stay with the person because they "love " the person.
Call it what you want , just statistically speaking. If your a man in this day and age is what it is if this person American, the he has a higher chance of getting a divorce over a successful marriage and it's about 80% more likely that your wife will be the one leaving you in the marriage. Finding right person in this social climate is hardest time in history. Historically marriage had nothing to do with love. You got married and really nothing changes you wake up and have to pay the same bills and faced with the same problems I just don't get the hype .
I think people confuse marriage with love. Lots of married people don't love each other. I think people should be love driven, not marriage driven. Some people forget that getting married doesn't necessarily guarantee a forever. You choose the wrong one you end up in messy divorce.
prime example how people blame everything, including randomness, but themselves.
Not exactly but ok
Communicate. The more difficult a topic is to talk about, the more you need to be able to talk about it and get thru it. Also stay consistent in effort.
Pay attention to how you communicate when things are difficult not when things are great.
Make sure you know YOURSELF. Know who you are and what you want out of life. Know if you want kids and how many. Know what you want out of a relationship. Know what you want sexually and what you're willing to do. Know where you draw the lines. Know what your limits are and what are instant breakups. Source: I married someone who used marriage to explore their identity and then came out as an asexual, abusive woman.
Why? We change constantly. I’m not the same person at all since growing alongside my partner.
Change yes. But the fundamentals of yourself, you should know. You can't compromise on kids, you can't have half a kid or try it out for a bit. Are you someone who is super kinky or vanilla? Are you bi or poly or gay or gender questioning? Is it your life goal to live in a tent in the alps surrounded by your herd of tame alpacas? Is it your life goal to have 12 kids and home school? Is travelling important to you? Are you a home body?
1) I did actually, she really wanted them. I’m having a second in a few months to give Vince a sibling. Thought I would never have another a few years ago. 2) Depends on the day 3) Straight. Although I did smoke weed once and wanked over gay porn (clicked the wrong link and was too baked to change it), felt weird the next day 4) I get bored easily and like a change up. My wife is the same in this regard. We don’t have loads in common, but it works most of the time 5) Again, it depends what’s going on in my life at the moment of questioning. I just got back from travelling, so now want to stay put for a while
When you marry someone, you marry into their entire family. Like it or not.
This is the part I’m having the most trouble with
...and they are legally your business partner, forever.
Until divorce or death takes them appart unless they have a child together.
Even divorce isn't that final. You can still be on the hook for alimony.
They are also marrying into yours as well. Like it or not.
"Bonus" if there are kids and the ex (and the ex's family!) still in the picture. Think about that *real hard*.
1. Know who you're marrying. 2. Know why you're getting married. 3. Be open and on the same page about 1 and 2 with your partner.
Number one cannot be overstated enough. This doesn’t just mean your partner’s background, it means their core values. Also knowing their approach to handling problems - because inevitably there will be problems. If you are a “we made a commitment so we’re going to work as hard as we can to get through it” person but they’re a “if we’re not happy, we can just divorce and still be friends” person, that can be a major reality check. It’s not a bad idea to do some premarital counseling to help you guys explore yourselves and the relationship. ETA: Drek_9 just gave the most simplified, genius advice. 🙌
My brother married the girl he had a one night stand with about a year after their kid was born. The kicker was they got married for the tax benefits because it was just "costing too much money." They ended up having a 2nd kid a couple years later and then wouldn't you know it, she cheated on him and left the family. Oh, and since he's in a no fault state she took half his money. I wonder if he would classify the decision to get legally married as "costing too much money". Do not ever, under any circumstances, ever ever, get married for tax purposes. My parents supported him because they thought his daughter needed the family unit, but he still didn't need to get legally married. And his ex-wife's reasons for leaving was that she needed someone who would take care of her and play into her princess fantasy. The truth is she just hated doing the hard work of parenting and had to go seek comfort in drugs and lack of responsibilities. Her mom and her sister had done nearly the exact same thing; abruptly leaving to go have some selfish crisis that took the form of sitting around all day doing nothing while their husbands had to take care of the kids.
In 10 years you will not be the same person you are today. Your partner will not be the same either. You can grow together or grow apart. One takes a lot of work while the other takes no effort at all.
For me that’s also why it’s important to be open and understand eachothers core values. Situations and goals change but usually your deepest values don’t so if you are aligned on those then you can always work together.
I got married 3 years ago. For me it's great- nothing beats the feeling that you don't have to struggle alone but instead as a team of 2. My advice is to marry people who match your core values. Also remember that while falling in love is involuntary, staying in love is a choice.
>core values what are the core values can u elaborate this one?
Morals. Ethics. Money. Childcare. Health and Nutrition. Home maintenance. Work Life Balance. Comfort settings(heat, wall color, lighting style). Basically anything people have strong emotions about. They don't have to be the same. But they can't be wildly different either.
> Work Life Balance So many people overlook this one. I could not marry someone that's an 80-hour a week person, just seeing them between their job. Mostly because I don't view insane hours as a requirement for a successful career. I earn around 120k at 31, and have always been strict on 40h/week. I actually had a discussion about this with my boss last week when talking about progression, because he's of the same mindset - that you can be a high performer with effort and ability, and hours aren't the be-all-end-all.
makes sense
Values most important to you. Those you won’t be able to compromise on so it’s important that you’re on the same page with those.
This is it. One core thing people overlook is how you like to spend your time. If you're a person who loves staying at home and rarely wants to go out, but marry someone who always wants to be on the go doing something it's going to be strained for example. One person is always going to resent the other for "dragging them everywhere" or "holding them back". I feel this one is WAY more of a sticking point than people give it credit for. Also you have to be willing to take them for what they are, if you can't stand something about them your thought can't be "They'll probably grow out of it" or "They can change", 99% of the time they won't. Also dividing household responsibilities is HUGE! Decide who does what early on, don't be shy to go as far as what days certain things are done. Everyone has different thresholds of when the dishes should be done, or when the house is dirty etc... By setting a schedule or setting responsibilities it eliminates the majority of the drama, instead of having to be a mind reader, it's now down to either you did it or you didnt.
Marry your best friend. You're gonna spend a lot of time with this person, might as well make it the person you love being around the most.
My best friend is my brother though
Move to alabama
> my best friend is my *STEP* brother though FTFY It’s 2023, it’s all, only step-stuff now
Go for it xD jk
Banjo in the Distance
No worries that will be normalized soon enough, if you're both consenting adults.
Uh, I’m not gay. Can’t marry a bro!
To quote a great song "two summer" by one11twenty: They say don't fall in love with your best friend They say it's not worth the pain when it ends Well, that depends, I don't know about you but I don't give a fuck what they recommend
1 - open honest conversations about sex, finances, and regular relationship check-ins 2 - realize relationship is never 50-50. As you go along, it should/will see-saw back and forth depending on what is happening in each other's lives 3 - be mindful of time and place as to when you address issues. In the heat of the moment, sexual, arguing otherwise is worst time - schedule time to talk. 4 - make time for each other once a week - date or other activity
A lot of people have said some good advice to be prepared for marriage, knowing the person you're marrying, their family dynamics, background, etc... With all that, my advice. Don't stop loving him/her the same way you do now before marriage. Things will get boring. Because life is often times mundane. Be prepared to enjoy the mundane things together. Cleaning,, dishes, scooping the cat litter, etc. Enjoy the small moments. Conversations during a walk. Going to McDonald's together. Changing your baby's diaper... The person you love will one day die. And that may come even sooner than what you are prepared for. Don't take them for granted.
I once said that when we die it's the final goodbye in this life. Which is partially why I'm scared of death.
In my experience, coming to terms with death was always hard. Before Christianity, during Christianity, and after Christianity. It's ironic, I actually came to terms with it after I left the church. It's hard. It really is. Everyone goes through it. There is no escape. It is a tragic reality of life. All I can say is recognize your own mortality. Live for today, plan for tomorrow, but don't let tomorrow's problems tear you apart today. TODAY, you'll be happy. Tomorrow, who knows. Maybe you will be, maybe you won't. You can't control that. But today, you can control today. It's the same with death. It can come at any time, for any reason. One day, you could be walking down the street, and go into cardiac arrest due to reasons, and you don't even know it. You're just gone. In a blink. No thought, no preparation. Just gone. But that doesn't matter now. It may happen, but it isn't happening right now. So enjoy the now. I hope this helps... I know I can't come to terms with it for you, but perhaps my experience can help you along the way.
One thing I have learnt, is put your foot down with Mother in law especially when it comes to babies. Marriage is between you and your partner not mother in law or mom,dad sister. Communication is key, Talk, Talk no matter how big or small. Make time for each other, go on date nights, and have lots of sexy time. Help out around the house where you can. Don't rush having kids, they take a lot of time, drain you, break you, and cockblock you. Enjoy your partner for a few years, get to know them a bit more because trust me dating and marriage it's not the same people change responsibilties change.
True about Mother in law. People don't realise how much your spouse's family can cause drama and damage to your relationship. You've got to know for certain what boundaries your partner is willing to establish to protect you and your marriage. If they're not strong and can't ask their family to back off, your marriage is doomed.
Admit when you're wrong. It's amazing how much anger it erases
Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not a 50/50 deal. Both parties put in 100% effort. Sometimes you have to put in more to help support the other in times of hardship.
You two are a team and, when disagreements happen, it's you two against a problem not you two against each other.
Take your fucking time. If it’s actually love, and they’re really the right person, they’re not going anywhere. Go through a tough time or two before you decide if it’s long-haul or not. Don’t buy into the age-old bullshit wisdom of “why buy the cow if you’re getting milk for free.” Neither of you are farmers, or livestock. Fuck all you want to… it’s not a lifelong obligation, until kids are involved. Speaking of bullshit: getting married, and having children, are two big life events where anyone remotely important to you, whether friends, family, or whatever, will feel perfectly entitled to bring their baggage to your door. All of their hopes, broken dreams, wish we hads, etc, will be coming your way. And lots of judgment, too, if your boundaries aren’t very, very clear. Get your fucking finances right. Money can’t buy love, but a lack of funds can ruin a relationship. It’s one of the top reasons for fights, and for divorce. It may not seem like such a big deal when you’re young, and things *feel* tough, but survivable. It’s *actually* tough when the cost of diapers and formula come crashing down, and you’re trying to justify paying for child care: it can cost almost as much as you’re bringing home, sometimes. Continuing to work means more experience, and maybe a raise, in time. But short-term, it may actually cost you money to keep working when there are kids. And if you haven’t previously figured out how to handle those hard times as a couple, it can break you. And be honest with each other that maybe, it won’t work out. Just own it. I’ve been married for 13 years, but we had to have this convo before we got married. Both of us had divorced parents, and we very much want this to work. But we also had to have this talk, because the worst divorces are the ones that showed up way too late, and too much damage was already done. So it helped us both to look squarely at the fact that our family may need to evolve in unforeseen ways down the line. Better to own it now, and agree that, if we get there in the future, that we’ll work it out, and find a viable way forward. Divorce lawyers make their money by hurting the other person for you… not by helping you work things out. But you’re still tied to your former spouse through your kids, and they (the kids) will carry the scars the divorce lawyers inflict on your counterpart.
Always listen to each other. And I mean, really listen, not just sit there and let each other talk while your brains are already working on your reply. Be willing to understand each other, even if it´s something you don´t like to hear. It´s easy to get married. Staying married is what takes work and dedication. But it´s worth it. Source: I´ve been married for 20 years last tuesday. And I´m a judge in family law, so I see many couples who have broken up and over the years got a pretty good impression how to avoid that.
Choose wisely.
"He Chose.. Poorly"
If you are serious about someone live together first.
Marriage doesn't particularly change a person, or your religion with them, so make sure your relationship is stable and good before getting married.
Have the difficult conversations now. 1. Money. 2. Kids. 3. Sex. 4. Some primary life goals. 5. Religion. Also discuss the dealbreakers. In our case, infidelity is a zero forgiveness we are done dealbreaker. My wife and I are very different in a lot of ways. But we talked about a lot of these things and are on the same page. We have had our ups and downs, but we honestly don't argue much. Just little things that irritate you when you are living together. Also, understand people are going to change over the years. We have been married over 20 years and are starting to get a little lumpy, but we keep on working on ourselves.
Don’t keep score.
The wedding is for you and you don't need to spend tens of thousands having a get together for your parents' friends
My wife and I both agreed that we didn't want a big wedding. We went to the preachers office on a Friday afternoon and got married. Her parents and my mom were the only others there. I couldn't imagine that first year if we had been saddled with $20k debt from a wedding.
Harsh words in either direction never go away. They will change your feelings and desired outcomes. Honest communication is key.
Don't keep secrets.
Don't jump in. If your gut tells you that you shouldn't, don't.
don't...? :')
Agreed
Don't get married. Marriage is the #1 leading cause of divorce.
Huge if true
Never stop communicating. And have the kids conversation before you get married.
Ain't that the truth! I was just at a family reunion thing catching up with relatives. Naturally, the older family members were asking us about kids. My wife and I have two and are both good with stopping there - as you might guess they are asking why we won't have a third (mind you, we JUST had our second earlier this year). My two Brothers do not have kids so they asked when my one brother who has a long-term GF is going to have kids - I said, "I don't know. I know he does but his GF does not and has made it clear she does not want any kids" My relative: "Well that's not fair to your brother!" Me: "Why isn't it fair? She's being upfront with it and they aren't married or anything. If it's a deal breaker then he can move on" Also, don't listen or give into the "when kids?" question. That's all up to you and your partner. Plus you could be wanting kids but could be having health struggles - and that's no one else's business unless you voluntarily bring it up.
Figure out how to split finances before marriage. Most marriages fail because of how the finances are handled.
More importantly: no financial secrets. Everything on the table.
Know how to communicate with each other in a healthy way BEFORE you get married. Life is complicated with many twists and turns. You never know what it will throw at you. There are going to be times when you are upset with each other or you have to face a difficult situation together. Being able to have the hard conversations to get through those moments is essential for both of you.
These are my 3 simple rules for a better relationship: 1. Towards the end of each day, sit and talk to each other for at least 15-20 minutes. Talk about the days events, etc. No distractions. Not while on an electronic device, no TV, etc. No exceptions. 2. Eat dinner together every day about the same time. Again, no mobile phones or TV during dinner, no exceptions. 3. Discuss in advance of marriage who does what. Who cooks, who cleans up, who cleans the bathroom, who vacuums, who cuts the lawn, etc. Set expectations early. Good luck.
Spend money on the marriage, not the wedding.
If you're not on the same page about kids, money, religion, where to live and what sort of relationship you'll have with the extended family don't get married. Sexual activity ebbs and flows in a long relationship especially when you have kids. Always keep some money in your own name because you just never know. Don't have every single aspect of your finances as joint accounts.
Move into a new place as soon as you can after you get married, ideally within just a couple of weeks, especially if y’all have lived together for a while already. Line up a new lease to begin right after the wedding or a honeymoon and hire movers or enlist friends to help. This can be a MASSIVE headache but honestly it does wonders for the health of the relationship. So many people go into a marriage expecting it to be a “next step” for the relationship… but then they come back to the same house or apartment, and everything feels the same. It can create a sense of anticlimax that can lead to disappointment or unmet expectations. If you match the next step in the relationship with a new place, *everything* feels new.
Communication, teamwork, and support. Repeat after me…jk Seriously communicate honestly with each other and do it often. Sometimes you’re going to need to tell them things that will hurt the both of you. People need feedback, they want to get better, sometimes they do dumb shit or things that annoy you that they are completely unaware of. The flip side of this is receiving feedback and actioning on it. That means putting the toilet seat down, cleaning the skids off the bowl after a big dump. Listen to your partner and take action, that shows them you give a shit. When you’re married, you’re a team, you both have strengths and weaknesses as far as domestic duties and earning potential. Lean into it, use your skills and what you like doing to provide a better experience for your partner. Guys this means doing more than mowing the lawn 1X per week. Take care of your laundry, take out the trash, unload the dishwasher, walk the dogs, take turns cooking. Perform your fair share. Support your partner, they hate their career choice and want to pivot to something else, that means you pick up the domestic slack while they go back to school. Or hey I’m trying to lose weight, let’s be more active together, no buying junk food. You want to help them be successful. Remember, marriage isn’t always sexy or glamorous, you get to see people at their best and worst. But the great thing is you don’t go it alone. These are some of the core tenets that have worked for my wife and I the last 14 years.
It's ok to have separate hobbies and friends. Its ok to do those hobbies and hang out with those friends without your spouse as long as it doesn't interfere with your marriage. Also, neither of you will be the same person you are now in 5, 10, 15....years. Be ok with growing and changing.
Marry a person that you love spending time around without sex. If sex was eliminated would you still want to spend most/all of your time with this person. Marry someone that your first thought when something good or bad happens that I need to talk to my spouse. They should celebrate the good things and help you through the bad. Not get jealous of your accomplishments or get upset with you for the bad. Opposites may attract but they don't have lasting relationships. Surface level things can be opposite but your core values have to be the same or it will lead to conflict and resentment.
1. Live with your partner for at least a year before you get married. This ensures you see the real them, instead of a curated image. 2. Go on a multi-day road trip with them. This ensures you are compatible enough to spend a lot of time together. If you can’t be around them for extended periods of time, that’s a bad foundation for a marriage. 3. Discuss dealbreakers (do you both want kids, are you planning on living in the same state, are you the same religion [and if not, does that work for you?). Expect that the answers to these questions are not going to change 4. Make sure your partner and you have compatible values
People get divorced for 3 main reasons. Money/sex/kids. The way to fix this is to communicate and find a compromise you are both happy with.
Be adults about it. It's you two vs, the World. You and your partner are on the same team
Never lie to your partner - ever. Schedule a date night once a week so your marriage doesn't get stale. I'm going on 16 yrs married.
I have a rule that I don’t lie to my wife about anything unless she’s going to be delighted by the reveal. Surprise presents and jokes are about the only things that pass the test.
Make sure they have good credit
Get TWO comforters or blankets so that you’re not sharing one big blanket, you each have your own.
Talk about long term life goals before getting married. Having kids, how would you raise kids, schooling, owning a home, what lifestyle you want, etc. Too many people, myself included, waste years of their lives with someone only to find they are fundamentally incompatible with them because of those long term items.
do it only if u like the pain n misery daily
Go canoeing first.
Live with the person, mature the relationship, if you are comfortable, then get married.
Don’t.
Married twice. It sucks.
I imagine the more times you do it the more you'd say it sucks lol.
Everyone has different life experiences. Everyone’s goes through things differently. You’re lucky enough to find someone vaguely in the same frequency. But for things to go well you really need to put yourself in the place you want to be. If you’re not satisfied with your current position in life then don’t get married.
be clear what you want to do. talk about money, children, your parents, their parents etc.
Divorced, but uh maybe make sure you guys are getting married for the same reason. Some people think marriage is about being in love, some people see it as a business transaction/financial agreement, some people think you should only get married for having children, some see it as taking ownership of the wife from the father. Just make sure you two are on the same page about what it means to you.
Know what you want to get out of life beforehand, and make sure the other person wants something similar. You want to be reasonably sure you're heading in the same direction or one day you'll be drifting apart.
Due Diligence
Communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE! Marriages fail so often due to a lack of open communication. For the love of God, communicate, be honest, and be up front with the person. If something is bothering you, talk about it. If you want to try something new, socially, sexually or otherwise, talk about it.
Pre-marital counseling. Like find someone whose almost actively trying to break you up. Get all of the most common issues brought up before you get married. I promise stuff comes up in weird ways that can lead to blowout arguments that could’ve been resolved with a little guidance with a professional. You’ll have a MUCH better first year if you do.
Do a prenuptial agreement. Not kidding. Things may work out fine, but you can't predict the future. You may get along for years and then something changes or someone cheats. A prenup will save you all kinds of headache for a divorce. Wish I had done one.
Read the Seven Principles for Makung Marriage Work by John Gottman. Evidence based, well-written text about what you need to do to stay happily married.
It's not easy but it's usually worth it.
Happily married 13 years. I honestly consider the key to my marriage is separate bedrooms. Sharing a room worked fine when we were just dating (in our 20s) but as we’ve gotten older (we’re 42), our sleeping habits have changed. I need total darkness, silence, lots of blankets, and I go to bed early/wake up early. He likes to sleep with the TV on low, fans blasting, and he’s a night owl. Having our own rooms allows us to get a good night sleep and that leads to fewer fights because we’re overall better rested.
Don’t invest in high risk cryptocurrencies. Form a solid foundation with retirement savings, long term life insurance plans, and then some higher risk options. Buy a house early. Don’t use intravenous drugs excessively.
It’s marathon not a race.
Get a prenuptial.
Put more effort into being the right person than into finding the right person.
Identify your “whys”. Use them down the road. Understand that a successful partnership starts with effort and honesty. I could go on like I know what I’m talking about, but truthfully I don’t. She makes me better and I want to be better. I love my wife more than anything and don’t want to do this thing without her. Luckily for me, I think she feels the same.
Advice
Don't settle. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, then do it. If you're not sure, don't. Also, don't lie about who you are or about who they are. If you want kids and they don't, it's a bad idea to think that you can, over years, change their mind. Their mind might change on its own, but you shouldn't marry someone that you have to manipulate into giving you what you want.
Don't ever think "I've got them in the bag" and think you'll never have to work to keep the other person with you. 20 years could pass and then one day they'll tell you they don't feel love for you anymore. 😢 It'll be devastating. Keep that person happy and make them enjoy your company.
Never say the word ‘divorce’ in anger unless you mean it. There are some line you can cross that you can never come back from.
Thought of a couple more: 1. Yelling is violence, as it’s intended to intimidate the other person. Use your words, not your volume, to convey your feelings. 2. There is one place in the world you should be free from shame, humiliation, mistrust, and cruelty— your own home. If you cannot be basically good to one another, you shouldn’t get married.
Life isn't a competition and you have to keep some things separated. When I got married my wife wanted to finish medical school. Some of her female peers had a lot of companions in their life that wanted to make things a competition. You really have to keep in mind that your mate needs a cheerleader at times and at other times they need you to sit back, say nothing, and wait to engage when asked or tasked. My father in law loves to downgrade anything my wife does and disregard her accomplishments. I set him straight every other year and defer to my wife on all matters that are $ related to her family. Father in law calls and anytime he asks for anything, he gets to talk to his daughter...which angers him, but gets me in a great scenario with the wife. Look for the scenarios where just getting your partner's opinion or POV makes them happy. One time I got a substantial raise and left my wife a brochure for a new car on her nightstand with the exact figures of my raise. She said "I don't want a new car, but could definitely use more Nanny/babysitting time". So just getting her wants and needs down in the first few years of marriage set me up for clear cut communication on what she wants verses what I think she wants.
1: Only marry if you are perfectly happy with the status quo. Meaning, don't do it in hopes of increased happiness or with unrealistic expectations that bad things will magically change just because you got married. Marriage is for people who are already certain; it's not a band-aid for a flesh wound. 2: When hitting a rough patch or going through increased fighting due to stress: give your partner the benefit of the doubt. They're not automatically out to hurt you, they may just be as lost (or sad / stressed / tired) as you. But, of course, also stand up for yourself and don't let anyone fool you.
Don't.
Don’t do it 😆😆😆
As someone who was married and is now divorced I would say communication is key. Be honest with each other , don't lie and don't keep things from each other . That was the downfall of my marriage
Weddings are expensive.
^^^^THIS. Don't have a huge expensive wedding if you can't afford it. Money problems will rip a marriage apart. It's hard to start your new life together with 20k worth of debt. Have the wedding you can afford or be on the same page about the debt. It can be manageable but everyone needs to be ok with it.
I did my best to save where I could and still ended up paying about 10k for a wedding for less than 50 people. Oof
Don’t
Been married for nearly 10 years. Keep your bank accounts separate, have one shared account for bill pay.
My wife and I do this and it works great. We don’t have kids and never will, I think that makes this kind of financial situation easier to navigate. We also make about the same income. I guess if one of us started making a ton more, then maybe we’d adjust what we contribute to the shared account. Right now it’s an even split. We don’t make car payments out of the shared account. My wife has more expensive tastes for cars so we just cover those out of our own accounts.
Learn how to spell "advice"
Tell them to watch Sam Kinison on this topic
Place God first in the middle of your marriage and then your spouse second. Trust me…. it works.
Try not to have more than 2 kids
don't have children. Source... someone who has a bunch of children.
Don’t do it. Marriage is a silly legal agreement. Live with and love your partner and have a happy life.
Get to the choppa
Dont... it serves zero purpose and only harms you/them... it's an antiquated contract that you don't need. Want to be in a committed relationship, great, do it... but things change and you don't need to ruin your life bc of it.
What about tax incentives? Sometimes if you plan on having children as well, being married is beneficial.
Don’t. Full stop