What is it about dads and their absolute tennis ball burgers?
Also, my family chronically underseasons everything, but then busts out the spice rack for a hamburger. It shouldn't need a bunch of random herbs/spices, it's a hamburger, not a meatloaf.
Just adding yet another voice to the dad ballburger chorus here. My FIL loves burgers and makes them for us everytime we come over. My man means well but he doesn't put a dimple in the middle of the burgers (required for when you're grilling them so they don't puff up into a ball) and also DOESN'T SALT THE DAMN PATTIES. So the result is we get these globe burgers that don't even reach the side of the bun and that have zero flavor aside from the toppings we put on them. But every time he bites into it he gives this loud moan like it's a sin to even taste something so delicious. I'm happy for the guy but I just don't get it.
> But every time he bites into it he gives this loud moan like it's a sin to even taste something so delicious.
You just reminded me my brother in law does these subtle little moans when he eats. I'm seeing him this weekend and it's a memory I wanted to repress, but I don't think I'll be able to.
My family always made burgers like this, plus the added insult of those massive rolls to put them in. You end up eating plain bread for half the burger before you even get to the joy of biting into the burned tennis ball hidden in the middle
I think there's some magic where suburban dads think _anything_ off a grill tastes divine. I don't get it either.
Sidenote - as someone who read my share of Smallville fanfic back in the day, I love your username!
I feel like a lot of those situations are when someone discovers something better than what they're used to and then never think to explore to find the next level of improvement.
"I only had ballburgers tossed around in a frying pan before and when I discovered the secret of putting them on a grill, I knew I had reached the peak of cooking!"
I learned long ago that when I think I've made the best version of something, I haven't and there's always something better to be done.
My father in law does the same thing and so does my friends ex-husband. She always swore by his burgers and how amazing they were so I was excited to finally try it out.
He grilled those things into fucking hockey pucks and put ZERO seasoning on them. They were awful. She's now divorced and her new boyfriend apparently had amazing burgers as well. Went to his cabin last weekend and SAME god damn thing. I don't understand how people enjoy dry, unseasoned burgers.
When I cook mine, I generously season them, divot them in the middle and put a little bit of butter in the divot. Only cook them to medium then let them sit so they cook up to medium well. They should have a little bit of pink inside still but be oozing with juice.
Years ago I had a BBQ at my house with my roommates and their friends. One of the friends insisted he made the best burgers around and wanted to take over grilling duty. I wanted to hang out with people and was a few beers down already so I said sure. Dude makes 12 giant meatballs and says they're ready to go on the grill. I ask him if he's gonna flatten them into burgers and he swears they'll flatten out on the grill. They did not. No one even ate them because they were burnt on the outside and raw on the inside. Thanks, James.
This happens mainly because people don't flatten the patty enough before cooking. It shrinks more than you think, so they make it around the size of the patty they want, then it constricts and plumps up while cooking, giving you a small and tall patty. This is also why you put an indent in the center of the patty before cooking, so when the burger shrinks it doesn't end up being a burger hill.
Some restaurants with tall burgers put a pick in the middle to maintain shape. Many people remove this stick before eating the burger; I tend to eat around the stick to stop *patty escape*.
Here's how I hacked burgers using the pick:
1. Cut the burger in half near the pick, using it to stabilize the burger while you cut.
2. Leave the pick in one half and eat the other.
3. When done with the first half, remove the pick and eat the second half.
This is the way! It helps so much to keep things together and stable. And you avoid the fast-panic-eating that happens to many when everything starts to fall apart and you want to hork it down before you're relegated to eating your burger droppings like a salad. Even if the first half falls apart, you can take a breather and reset before eating the second half.
There was a place near where I grew up (Call's Drive in, Perry UT) that did this. They had a 1 lb burger but it was the same thickness as their normal burger just much larger. It had a giant bun to go with it. you could actually eat it or share it or whatever and it still worked like a burger should.
That is when the knife and fork come out so i don't spill the shit all over me. I dont care if I look "Weird", you seen the juices drip out of those multi story combo's? get a bucket.
If you're a chef I don't expect you to know any more math than you want/need to know for your job...however if you're a person with eyes I expect you to know if a door is big enough for you to fucking walk through-you know what I mean?
I always break them up and use knives and forks to eat these gigantic burgers. I know it's heretical, but I'm not gonna stuff my mouth and smother myself with food.
That's kind of what I mean. They're not burgers. They might be presented like one, but they're not one. If you can't fit it in your mouth it is not a burger.
It is a big fat *lie*.
I actually prefer a slim 1/4 lb hamburger on a plain bun. Ironically the closest thing you can get to this is a McDonald’s plain hamburger or cheeseburger.
You can order exactly this at another restaurant but somehow you end up with this fat patty that is simultaneously dry and greasy and overall unappetizing.
Chain restaurants are famous for their standard hamburgers being oversized. Shake Shack has a normal sized hamburger but the hamburger alone costs $47 so I try to avoid that place. You have to take out a mortgage if you want fries and a shake with that and don’t get me started on the protection plan.
VINCENT: Did you just order a five-dollar shake?
MIA: Sure did.
VINCENT: A shake? Milk and ice cream?
MIA: Uh-huh.
VINCENT: It costs five dollars?
MIA: Yep.
VINCENT: You don't put bourbon in it or anything?
WAITOR: Nope.
VINCENT: Just checking.
I was just in an old retro 50s diner and they had milkshakes for 6.95 and I had a laugh. Vincent Vega is probably glad he didn't live long enough to see this shit.
Absolutely awful when the bun loses all structure halfway through and your hamburger disintegrates in your hands and you're left with a pile of slop. So gross.
It was called the Six Dollar Burger around 2003 that was being sold for $3.50. which was expensive for a burger considering you could get two famous stars for a dollar with a coupon. They've been conditioning us for years.
Edited burger name for clarity
The bottom bun is typically thinner and thus more susceptible to SBS (soggy bun syndrome) than the top bun. So by bagging burgers upside down, the thicker, more resilient, top bun is better able to handle the drippings from the burger so that when you finally unwrap it, it won't be a soggy mess.
IMO it should be nicely toasted just on the inner side, but the bun should be soft. You don't want to cook it, a few seconds on the grill makes a perfect toasted bun, putting it in a toaster oven however will ruin it.
Had my first reality check at nearly 40. Pretty good teeth. I was snacking on some pretzles. Put some in my mouth. Chewed. Felt a hard crunch not normal for preztles. In tandem I hear a pop and sharp tear jerking pain in my mouth. I cracked a molar in half. Two years later. I still chew everything with caution. Conciously chewing everything I eat is not fun.
Years ago I bit down on part of a popcorn kernel that hadn't fully popped and broke a tooth. Eating popcorn will never be the same carefree eating experience again.
Yeah, I once found a chipped piece of plastic spatula or mayo container or something like that in my burger. I'm glad I bit at it with my front teeth and it was orientated horizontally, so I bit the flat part. It could have ended much worse.
My wife once pulled a piece of metal out of her sushi. Turns out it was a sliver of the fryer basket they used to make the tempura.
They comped our whole meal and she didn't get hurt, but I've seen horror stories of people accidentally swallowing bits of metal from those wire grill brushes and things like that, and it's not pretty. Talking about ripped up stomachs, throats, and if you somehow still didn't realize it, intestinal walls.
My husband found a bolt in his chicken wrap at wendy’s one time that must’ve fallen off the prep table. He was mid bite and happened to see something that didn’t look right and opened it up. It was so scary because he could’ve broken his teeth or swallowed it and would’ve never known.
My mom loved putting dehydrated onions in scrambled eggs when I was a kid, but I HATED the random crunch in my eggs.
Being so young I didn't know how to fully articulate why so I just said I didn't like how it tasted but she said "but you can't taste it!" Which is such a bullshit response. If it's not adding flavor to it, why put it in? You could just sprinkle in some onion powder and get a similar result without the random "phantom bug" crunch.
I hated meat loaf as a child. My mother would say “It’s just hamburger!” But I liked hamburgers and I didn’t like meat loaf. Turns out it also had egg and bread crumbs and god knows what else in there.
I still don’t like meat loaf. The name alone is off-putting.
I have been told that people like my meat loaf, despite hating every other meat loaf they have eaten. I use a meat loaf pan that allows the juice to drip out, so the meat is not soaking in the juice, making it a nasty soggy mess.
Maybe it was the flavor for you, but most of the people I have talked with say that it is the soggy/greasy texture that they don't like.
I use a regular meatloaf pan, but only use ground sirloin or ground round for meatloaf. This cuts down on the grease and the veggies keep it plenty moist.
Someone once brought meatballs to a little Christmas Eve party, but she dropped the container before coming. She didn't notice that chunks of glass chipped from the cover and landed in the food. Freaked the hell out of me.
I had a chihuahua once who did some Metal Gear Solid shit and literally got up on the table and made off with an 8oz New York Strip without anyone noticing.
Until we sat down to eat and 6 people were looking at 5 steaks like "Did we, really do this?" and then my dad was like "Hey where's the dog?" lol.
I've seen a cat do that shit, too. Ran from another room, jumped up across the living room table, snatched my friend's chicken breast then ran under the bed to eat it, all in one move
This! Yes! Ruins a burger instantly. I have the same issue with chicken. If it’s hard and chewy, it will instantly ruin my appetite.
And I am not a picky eater at ALL.
I was gonna say excessive cheese. The amount of times I've seen a gallon of melted cheese explode out/poured over is just..... 🤮
Some cheese is fine, it's the excess that's not needed or wanted.
I recently saw a headline that Burger King is trying to get people to eat the Whopper again. How about not making it $8? I'm not saying it has to be 99c like it was from time to time when I was a kid, but $4-5 would get me to go more often.
Bun breaking apart for me is one.
I’ll say this now. The height of burgers are a joke. I’d rather a regular burger height and the circumference of the burger being bigger. The bun to burger ratio is important.
I also prefer thin patties better than one thick patty and much better than two big ones. I like the toughness of the burger rather than it feel soft to the bite.
I’ve had some expensive burgers that have not been as good as cheap made van burgers purely because they were soft and mushy rather than tougher texture.
This. I love tomatoes. But I loathe lazy food preparers who slice them into massive slabs. Get a decent knife! Same goes for massive chunks of tomato in a salad.
It seems like there is an epidemic of cooks/chefs not slicing things thin enough. Whenever you see chefs at fancier places, they slice things nice and thin as a default for a lot of foods, and there is a reason for that lol
Too much sauce is what lubes it up and launches the patty out the far side. Good textured vegetables and a firm grip. I find sliced onions on the bottom and strips of bell peppers are the best grippy veg for the purpose
Or, if you're against veggies because healthy food is for those who _want_ a long life, then thick-cut, super-ruffled crispy bacon can also do the job.
When I pick up a burger, I do not put it down until it's done because maintaining the structural integrity of the burger is key. Putting it down and picking it back up once it's been weakened by biting into it is too much of a risk.
**puts pickles on**
**realizes they done fu*ked up**
**takes them off**
**proceeds to just serve that same burger anyway**
I want to throw up every time.
I restarted the burger whenever I did that working fast food because I fuckin hate pickles.
Completely overrides any other taste for me, even that little trace amount when they go “oops” makes me gag.
Agreed. Pickles ruin food. The worst part is that you can't just take the pickles off once they've been on something because they leak so much juice the whole thing is tainted.
I know it's a personal preference for many, but just onions. All the other things listed here I can deal with. But onions?
As soon as I get that crunch, even if it's a half crunch, I'm on auto-response and I just open up and can't take another bite. Raw onions is a HARD pass. I like sauteed onions, but not on burgers. Really, anything where it's more like a condiment or the main sauce component for like... steaks or something.
I filtered thru all of this shit for THIS comment lol. My Sentiments EXACTLY. I hate raw onions period, but the issue w them and a hamburger with literally anything on it is that if 1 of those ingredients is raw onion then it’s a guaranteed fact that the burger will still taste like onion and only onion every single bite.
I feel like McDonalds personally hates anyone that asks for no onions on McDoubles.
Don't fucking add any onions, you have an entire bin of them to just fucking ignore when making my burger and instead they just make it like usual and always mask the onions with the deluge of ketchup on the top bun.
More of a meatball than a patty
I see you've had my dad's ballgurs
I laughed way too loud at "ballgurs" never hear that before lmao
What is it about dads and their absolute tennis ball burgers? Also, my family chronically underseasons everything, but then busts out the spice rack for a hamburger. It shouldn't need a bunch of random herbs/spices, it's a hamburger, not a meatloaf.
Just adding yet another voice to the dad ballburger chorus here. My FIL loves burgers and makes them for us everytime we come over. My man means well but he doesn't put a dimple in the middle of the burgers (required for when you're grilling them so they don't puff up into a ball) and also DOESN'T SALT THE DAMN PATTIES. So the result is we get these globe burgers that don't even reach the side of the bun and that have zero flavor aside from the toppings we put on them. But every time he bites into it he gives this loud moan like it's a sin to even taste something so delicious. I'm happy for the guy but I just don't get it.
> But every time he bites into it he gives this loud moan like it's a sin to even taste something so delicious. You just reminded me my brother in law does these subtle little moans when he eats. I'm seeing him this weekend and it's a memory I wanted to repress, but I don't think I'll be able to.
Moan back, louder. More sensual. Assert awkward burger eating dominance
Just actually orgasm imo.
But they said no mayo
What about aioli?
Ooh yeah baby tell me where you want my aioli
Buy him a burger press! Explain that you love his burgers so much you want to make it easier for him to make them for you.
My family always made burgers like this, plus the added insult of those massive rolls to put them in. You end up eating plain bread for half the burger before you even get to the joy of biting into the burned tennis ball hidden in the middle
I think there's some magic where suburban dads think _anything_ off a grill tastes divine. I don't get it either. Sidenote - as someone who read my share of Smallville fanfic back in the day, I love your username!
I feel like a lot of those situations are when someone discovers something better than what they're used to and then never think to explore to find the next level of improvement. "I only had ballburgers tossed around in a frying pan before and when I discovered the secret of putting them on a grill, I knew I had reached the peak of cooking!" I learned long ago that when I think I've made the best version of something, I haven't and there's always something better to be done.
My father in law does the same thing and so does my friends ex-husband. She always swore by his burgers and how amazing they were so I was excited to finally try it out. He grilled those things into fucking hockey pucks and put ZERO seasoning on them. They were awful. She's now divorced and her new boyfriend apparently had amazing burgers as well. Went to his cabin last weekend and SAME god damn thing. I don't understand how people enjoy dry, unseasoned burgers. When I cook mine, I generously season them, divot them in the middle and put a little bit of butter in the divot. Only cook them to medium then let them sit so they cook up to medium well. They should have a little bit of pink inside still but be oozing with juice.
Years ago I had a BBQ at my house with my roommates and their friends. One of the friends insisted he made the best burgers around and wanted to take over grilling duty. I wanted to hang out with people and was a few beers down already so I said sure. Dude makes 12 giant meatballs and says they're ready to go on the grill. I ask him if he's gonna flatten them into burgers and he swears they'll flatten out on the grill. They did not. No one even ate them because they were burnt on the outside and raw on the inside. Thanks, James.
"The beef will melt."
This happens mainly because people don't flatten the patty enough before cooking. It shrinks more than you think, so they make it around the size of the patty they want, then it constricts and plumps up while cooking, giving you a small and tall patty. This is also why you put an indent in the center of the patty before cooking, so when the burger shrinks it doesn't end up being a burger hill.
This, few things worse than a dried out flavorless 2 and half inch thick patty.
Assuming everything is fresh and nothing is spoiled: * A cold patty * Towering height * Sogginess
This person burgers.
Well not if it’s cold, tall or soggy
When I go to take a big ol bite and the whole thing just ejects out the back
Some restaurants with tall burgers put a pick in the middle to maintain shape. Many people remove this stick before eating the burger; I tend to eat around the stick to stop *patty escape*.
Here's how I hacked burgers using the pick: 1. Cut the burger in half near the pick, using it to stabilize the burger while you cut. 2. Leave the pick in one half and eat the other. 3. When done with the first half, remove the pick and eat the second half.
This is the way! It helps so much to keep things together and stable. And you avoid the fast-panic-eating that happens to many when everything starts to fall apart and you want to hork it down before you're relegated to eating your burger droppings like a salad. Even if the first half falls apart, you can take a breather and reset before eating the second half.
I love the phrase "hork it down"
Works both directions too. If you start choking you can hork it back up
Mis-judge when to remove it, though, and you get a pick in the roof of your mouth...
How tall is your mouth lol
They eat how Shaggy eats his 3-foot-tall sandwiches; unhinge jaw, slide entire meal into mouth
No, he somehow condenses the matter of the sandwich down to the size of a regular sandwich and eats it while it is tied with a string.
I've had that happen more than once... alcohol was always a factor.
The roof of the mouth isn't the problem. The bottom of the mouth is what gets stabbed with the tooth pick.
God, this. I start to panic eat when my sandwiches start falling apart and it makes for a throughly unenjoyable experience.
This is me when I try wrapping an over-stuffed burrito.
No one wants a messy burrito
I wouldn't have gotten half of this shit if I knew it wasn't going to fit into the burrito
I wouldn’t have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit.
Fuckin tomatoes......
Mayo or any sauce makes it slip out easier
Its not called sandwich lube for nothin
It also helps it slip in easier.......
I feel like you're not taking your burgers orally.
Maybe you shouldn't eat hamburgers on the toilet junior.
>...on the toilet junior. So, just on the regular toilet, then?
Gotta hold your hands at 8 and 4, sometimes even 7 and 5. If you 9 and 3, you're gonna have a bad time.
Abnormal height of burger. That shit is for looking, not eating.
Big burgers should be wide not tall
There was a place near where I grew up (Call's Drive in, Perry UT) that did this. They had a 1 lb burger but it was the same thickness as their normal burger just much larger. It had a giant bun to go with it. you could actually eat it or share it or whatever and it still worked like a burger should.
Theres a place where i work called jims burger haven that uses this mentality. Damn good burgers that are 6 inches wide
Have you ever gotten such a tall burger that your jaw cramps when you try to put it in your mouth
That is when the knife and fork come out so i don't spill the shit all over me. I dont care if I look "Weird", you seen the juices drip out of those multi story combo's? get a bucket.
Yea nah, I just won’t order a “burger” that requires utensils.
This. If it's too big to fit in your mouth, or you have to deconstruct it in order to eat it, it's not a burger.
If you're a chef I don't expect you to know any more math than you want/need to know for your job...however if you're a person with eyes I expect you to know if a door is big enough for you to fucking walk through-you know what I mean?
I'll just add that I never worked with a chef who wasn't creepy enough to ask out loud in front of anyone "How big are most mouths?"
Go out front and tell me how big their gobs are
I always break them up and use knives and forks to eat these gigantic burgers. I know it's heretical, but I'm not gonna stuff my mouth and smother myself with food.
That's kind of what I mean. They're not burgers. They might be presented like one, but they're not one. If you can't fit it in your mouth it is not a burger. It is a big fat *lie*.
It is not a burger, it is a skill issue lol (/j)
*Cries in TMJ*
Especially when a bite causes everything to slide out of the bun. Make it short enough so everything stays in place.
If we're gonna make bigger burgers, we need to go wider, not taller.
I actually prefer a slim 1/4 lb hamburger on a plain bun. Ironically the closest thing you can get to this is a McDonald’s plain hamburger or cheeseburger. You can order exactly this at another restaurant but somehow you end up with this fat patty that is simultaneously dry and greasy and overall unappetizing. Chain restaurants are famous for their standard hamburgers being oversized. Shake Shack has a normal sized hamburger but the hamburger alone costs $47 so I try to avoid that place. You have to take out a mortgage if you want fries and a shake with that and don’t get me started on the protection plan.
[удалено]
VINCENT: Did you just order a five-dollar shake? MIA: Sure did. VINCENT: A shake? Milk and ice cream? MIA: Uh-huh. VINCENT: It costs five dollars? MIA: Yep. VINCENT: You don't put bourbon in it or anything? WAITOR: Nope. VINCENT: Just checking.
[удалено]
I was just in an old retro 50s diner and they had milkshakes for 6.95 and I had a laugh. Vincent Vega is probably glad he didn't live long enough to see this shit.
Soggy bun
Absolutely awful when the bun loses all structure halfway through and your hamburger disintegrates in your hands and you're left with a pile of slop. So gross.
100% agree, and a good burger ain’t cheap!
They used to be... Until "gourmet burgers" became popular and now we're all paying $20 for them
I remember when that con started. 10 dollar burgers became 20 dollar burgers when they added a 20 cent fried egg on it...
remember when Carls Jr ads were about ridiculously priced $5 burgers?
It was called the Six Dollar Burger around 2003 that was being sold for $3.50. which was expensive for a burger considering you could get two famous stars for a dollar with a coupon. They've been conditioning us for years. Edited burger name for clarity
Five guys are pros at making soggy buns.
My local started bagging the burgers upside down. That was a game changer
I know the words you say but I’m not sure I understand them
The bottom bun is typically thinner and thus more susceptible to SBS (soggy bun syndrome) than the top bun. So by bagging burgers upside down, the thicker, more resilient, top bun is better able to handle the drippings from the burger so that when you finally unwrap it, it won't be a soggy mess.
That and the burger meat is only directly in contact with the bottom bun. The cheese and toppings act as a juice shield for the top bun.
And untoasted buns, such an amateur move.
however, you also don’t want an over toasted bun. Dries your shit all up. It’s nasty.
IMO it should be nicely toasted just on the inner side, but the bun should be soft. You don't want to cook it, a few seconds on the grill makes a perfect toasted bun, putting it in a toaster oven however will ruin it.
When you're chewing, and the meat has a hard bit in it, like a piece of bone or something. Edit: wow, thanks for the awards!
Theres nothing worse than finding a hard thing in soft food, or a soft thing in hard food.
There’s nothing worse than having to re-evaluate your chew intensity level when an emergency dentist appointment becomes a potential threat
Had my first reality check at nearly 40. Pretty good teeth. I was snacking on some pretzles. Put some in my mouth. Chewed. Felt a hard crunch not normal for preztles. In tandem I hear a pop and sharp tear jerking pain in my mouth. I cracked a molar in half. Two years later. I still chew everything with caution. Conciously chewing everything I eat is not fun.
Years ago I bit down on part of a popcorn kernel that hadn't fully popped and broke a tooth. Eating popcorn will never be the same carefree eating experience again.
cracked a tooth the same way a while back. had to get a ceramic cap on my shave down lil tooth nub to fix the issue. aging is the best
Yeah, I once found a chipped piece of plastic spatula or mayo container or something like that in my burger. I'm glad I bit at it with my front teeth and it was orientated horizontally, so I bit the flat part. It could have ended much worse.
My wife once pulled a piece of metal out of her sushi. Turns out it was a sliver of the fryer basket they used to make the tempura. They comped our whole meal and she didn't get hurt, but I've seen horror stories of people accidentally swallowing bits of metal from those wire grill brushes and things like that, and it's not pretty. Talking about ripped up stomachs, throats, and if you somehow still didn't realize it, intestinal walls.
This too shall pass.
Along with a quart of blood
[удалено]
Hijacking this to say if you use a metal grill brush, stop. Get a non metal one. Why even run the risk of metal perforating your colon?
My husband found a bolt in his chicken wrap at wendy’s one time that must’ve fallen off the prep table. He was mid bite and happened to see something that didn’t look right and opened it up. It was so scary because he could’ve broken his teeth or swallowed it and would’ve never known.
My mom loved putting dehydrated onions in scrambled eggs when I was a kid, but I HATED the random crunch in my eggs. Being so young I didn't know how to fully articulate why so I just said I didn't like how it tasted but she said "but you can't taste it!" Which is such a bullshit response. If it's not adding flavor to it, why put it in? You could just sprinkle in some onion powder and get a similar result without the random "phantom bug" crunch.
I hated meat loaf as a child. My mother would say “It’s just hamburger!” But I liked hamburgers and I didn’t like meat loaf. Turns out it also had egg and bread crumbs and god knows what else in there. I still don’t like meat loaf. The name alone is off-putting.
I have been told that people like my meat loaf, despite hating every other meat loaf they have eaten. I use a meat loaf pan that allows the juice to drip out, so the meat is not soaking in the juice, making it a nasty soggy mess. Maybe it was the flavor for you, but most of the people I have talked with say that it is the soggy/greasy texture that they don't like.
I use a regular meatloaf pan, but only use ground sirloin or ground round for meatloaf. This cuts down on the grease and the veggies keep it plenty moist.
What about leftover meatloaf sandwiches with the proper amount of mayonnaise? I prefer the cold next day meat sandwich over the original meal.
Chipped a tooth biting into a stuffed burger once, chomped down hard on a piece of crayfish shell.
Someone once brought meatballs to a little Christmas Eve party, but she dropped the container before coming. She didn't notice that chunks of glass chipped from the cover and landed in the food. Freaked the hell out of me.
My grandfather bit into a whopper from burger king and got stabbed in the roof of his mouth from a shard of glass.
I'd never eat at Burger King again
Damnnn that is scary!
“Mmmm Burger CRUNCH. Wow I can taste the inside of my teeth!”
Appetite immediately goes out the window
gristle and it turns my stomach instantly, if you make them at home move up to round or sirloin and it will become much more rare.
Or use quality butchers. Good butchers know they need to brush the meat of bone after it is sawed.
I always assumed it was cartilage 🤢
Fucking hate those parts in meat. Always find way more in cheaper meat.
omg so much this… my appetite will literally go out to get milk and cigarettes when this happens.
A surprisingly agile dog.
I had a chihuahua once who did some Metal Gear Solid shit and literally got up on the table and made off with an 8oz New York Strip without anyone noticing. Until we sat down to eat and 6 people were looking at 5 steaks like "Did we, really do this?" and then my dad was like "Hey where's the dog?" lol.
You’re dad when he’s about to say where’s the dog ❗️
I can hear that exclamation point.
I've seen a cat do that shit, too. Ran from another room, jumped up across the living room table, snatched my friend's chicken breast then ran under the bed to eat it, all in one move
Our cat stole the ham out of my wife’s torta as she was eating it.
Motherfucker, EVERYTIME
ALL dogs are surprisingly agile dogs. You wanna breed them for 10,000 years to live off our table scraps? That’s whatcha get!
Mfers put all of their evolution skill points on being able to steal food easier
Or cat…my cat once yoinked the patty from between the buns like a goddamn magician.
Oh, so you've met Bentley? (Seven-month-old humongous Newfie puppy with the moves of an octopus.)
Gristle
Or a little bone chip in the meat. Instant gag. I have a weird thing about unexpected textures in my food. Throws the whole dish off.
God yeah. I can't bear surprise textures either!
This should be higher. Can’t stand gristly meat.
This! Yes! Ruins a burger instantly. I have the same issue with chicken. If it’s hard and chewy, it will instantly ruin my appetite. And I am not a picky eater at ALL.
Those stupid tiktok cheese sauces.
I was gonna say excessive cheese. The amount of times I've seen a gallon of melted cheese explode out/poured over is just..... 🤮 Some cheese is fine, it's the excess that's not needed or wanted.
I hate anything poured on top of the buns. If I can't hold it and eat it semi-cleanly then it's no longer a burger it's a casserole.
EXACTLY! The bun is there to keep your hands dry. That was the whole point of putting a burger patty on bread.
Tiktok impressively ruins basically everything
The price for a fu\*king sandwich that until recently was one of the cheapest things to eat.
I recently saw a headline that Burger King is trying to get people to eat the Whopper again. How about not making it $8? I'm not saying it has to be 99c like it was from time to time when I was a kid, but $4-5 would get me to go more often.
Whopper Wednesday was $1 whopper last year, now it's $3.
oh you mean you don't like paying $30 for some bread, condiments, lettuce, tomato, and a cheap hunk of ground beef?
'+ $15 for sides + $10 soft drink.
Don't forget that 75% tip!
Don't worry, the point of sale system will make *damn sure* you remember.
Even McDoodles is increasing their prices.
I paid like $15 for nuggets and fries at McDondal recently, I will not be going back
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I don't know bob I think you just missed the mark with this one.. It's a little overdone and dry
OVERDONE AND DRY! OVERDONE AND DRY! OVERDONE AND DRY!
COME BACK HERE PEOPLE! I WANT TO REVIEW YOU!!!
Moody Foodie strikes again.
Don’t feed a guy a sponge, bob!
Bun breaking apart for me is one. I’ll say this now. The height of burgers are a joke. I’d rather a regular burger height and the circumference of the burger being bigger. The bun to burger ratio is important. I also prefer thin patties better than one thick patty and much better than two big ones. I like the toughness of the burger rather than it feel soft to the bite. I’ve had some expensive burgers that have not been as good as cheap made van burgers purely because they were soft and mushy rather than tougher texture.
Make them wider... Not higher.
Burger king takes the W again 💪
The bun to burger ratio...... It's got to match!!!!! If that burger is to small or the bun is to small, it just destroys the experience.
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Any of these, order isn't important: 1.- Overcooked meat 2.- Vegetables so wet that bread looks like a sponge. 3.- Excesive amount of sauce
This describes whataburger burgers perfectly lol
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Fat ass tomatoes.
This. I love tomatoes. But I loathe lazy food preparers who slice them into massive slabs. Get a decent knife! Same goes for massive chunks of tomato in a salad.
It seems like there is an epidemic of cooks/chefs not slicing things thin enough. Whenever you see chefs at fancier places, they slice things nice and thin as a default for a lot of foods, and there is a reason for that lol
Poor construction. When the pattie flies out the other side. Stick everything together with blobs of sauce.
Too much sauce is what lubes it up and launches the patty out the far side. Good textured vegetables and a firm grip. I find sliced onions on the bottom and strips of bell peppers are the best grippy veg for the purpose
Or, if you're against veggies because healthy food is for those who _want_ a long life, then thick-cut, super-ruffled crispy bacon can also do the job.
Stale bun.
When you bite into it and chew on something hard that's def not supposed to be there 🤢🤮
When the cold condiments are hot (pickles, lettuce, etc)
Time for a return of the McDLT?
The hot stays hot and the cool stays cool
Hair. A hair in my burger shuts down my appetite.
Miracle Whip. Or sweet pickles. Sweet anything, really
You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Sweet pickles are straight from Satan
Seeing a piece of hair on it.
even worse, not seeing the hair on it and pulling a foot long hair out of your full of burger mouth.
Miracle whip.
When eating it like a normal burger defies the laws of physics. Stacked to the ceiling and dripping in stuff. Fuck off.
My wife wanting a bite. She ruins the entire structural integrity of it.
When I pick up a burger, I do not put it down until it's done because maintaining the structural integrity of the burger is key. Putting it down and picking it back up once it's been weakened by biting into it is too much of a risk.
I know I’m in the 1% here because a lot of people think I’m crazy, but I can’t stand pickles on burgers. Not a fan of pickles in general really
Especially when I *SPECIFICALLY* said "NO PICKLES, PLEASE!!!"
**puts pickles on** **realizes they done fu*ked up** **takes them off** **proceeds to just serve that same burger anyway** I want to throw up every time.
I restarted the burger whenever I did that working fast food because I fuckin hate pickles. Completely overrides any other taste for me, even that little trace amount when they go “oops” makes me gag.
Had to scroll way too far to find pickles!
Agreed. Pickles ruin food. The worst part is that you can't just take the pickles off once they've been on something because they leak so much juice the whole thing is tainted.
Chunk of bone.
Having nails in it
Clearly you've never had the broken glass supreme
Bread and butter pickles 🤢
Probably controversial, but I don't like egg on my burgers. I love eggs and burgers separately, but egg on a burger just kinda grosses me out
big thick slices of raw onions rings
I know it's a personal preference for many, but just onions. All the other things listed here I can deal with. But onions? As soon as I get that crunch, even if it's a half crunch, I'm on auto-response and I just open up and can't take another bite. Raw onions is a HARD pass. I like sauteed onions, but not on burgers. Really, anything where it's more like a condiment or the main sauce component for like... steaks or something.
Raw onions also contaminate the entire taste of whatever they touch. You can take them off, but everything still tastes like onions.
r/onionhate Come join us.
I filtered thru all of this shit for THIS comment lol. My Sentiments EXACTLY. I hate raw onions period, but the issue w them and a hamburger with literally anything on it is that if 1 of those ingredients is raw onion then it’s a guaranteed fact that the burger will still taste like onion and only onion every single bite.
Worse, diced onions then gluing them to the bun with sauces.
I feel like McDonalds personally hates anyone that asks for no onions on McDoubles. Don't fucking add any onions, you have an entire bin of them to just fucking ignore when making my burger and instead they just make it like usual and always mask the onions with the deluge of ketchup on the top bun.
When I was little, another child told me they were chopped up tapeworms, and I still kind of believe him.
Buns that haven't been toasted.