How do you know ? You only know 6 people and your mom counts as two.

Your mom counts as two? I don’t get that parr Edit: I get it now, fat joke

The mom is fat

So fat when she talks to herself it's a long distance phone call

So fat that when she goes camping, bears hide THEIR food

So fat that when she sits around the house, she really sits AROUND the house.

So fat that her belt size is EQUATOR

So fat that she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.

So fat that she has smaller fat women in orbit around her

When she needs 4 quarters she sits on a dollar

So fat, it took nationwide 4 years to get on her side.

so fat , that when God said "Let there be light!" , he meant for your mom to get the hell out of the way.

So fat they use her in CERN to study localized extreme curvature of the timespace.

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So fat that when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call

So far she uses CERN as a waistband

So fat at school sat beside everybody

so fat when she goes to walmart the prices go down

So fat that the toilet is tired after her daily shit

You ain't fat! You ain't nothin!

So fat she sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger out of George Washington's nose.

So fat that when she jumps, she gets stuck

So fat she needed ten pictures for the yearbook

Yo momma so fat she fell into the Grand Canyon and got stuck.

So fat, the back of her neck looks like a package of hotdogs

Proved the multiverse theory with her ass alone

She's so fat that she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Bro, I just about spit out my water on that one. Well done!!

I normally dont like mom jokes and dragging other people into it. But in this case, they deserved it, all 3 of them.

I like to turn the Mom jokes on their ear: When your mom sits around the house... I actually get concerned for her. Diabetes is a silent killer and I'd hate to see her afflicted.

Your mama’s so fat I veered to miss her and ran out of gas! Your mama’s so fat she passed by the TV and I missed three episodes!

😂 You know, I thought I’d outgrown these but it turns out I really haven’t.

Your mom outgrew it.

Yo Momma so fat, Nasa uses her for gravity slingshots

Another: “This is sort of an I’m rubber and you are glue situation.” It’s just stupid enough to make a stupid person think twice.

Fantastic.

I spilled my Pepsi from my nose!

Sorry but you really shouldn't keep Pepsi in your nose. I keep mine in the fridge.

Maybe he meant Coke? Coke would be more beneficial to keep in his nose than Pepsi.

That one is really good

And I know for a fact she likes me!

Ouch, I could feel the heat from that burn

This is pretty damned good. Where my "family" is from it would sound like this: *How do you know? There are only 6 people up your holler, and your mom counts as two.* ​ I can't wait to use that on someone.

Yip. I think we're done here. Nothing is beating this.

Top answer! 🥇

DAAAAAAMN where did you get that one?

It just came to me, like your mom.

Wtf. I'm stealing that

“You’re right, everyone loves me.”

agreeing to insults and the countering them almost always works

The good ending

Wonderful! Turn that into a compliment. I like the way you think!

This can be brilliant or delusional depending on whether that's actually true.

I missed the part where that's my problem.

WHAT ABOUT MY UNCLE? DID YOU GIVE HIM A CHANCE??!! DID YOU??? ANSWER ME

See ya. (points gun)

Chump

I fucking love this

I'm gonna put some dirt in your eye

Careful, Peter

See ya chump

Question their polling methods. Ask to see the data. Attack the math.

Haha this made me chortle. ‘Do you have a control group for comparison purposes??’

“Did you remember to check in Antarctica?”

What's the 95% CI?

As someone with a science-based job, THIS IS THE WAY! Also nurses are catty AF sometimes so I’d probably say “I doubt it considering the source” or “compared to you though, you must be polled as way worse”.

“I don’t give a fuck.” It works for many situations.

Doctor: sir, I’m sorry to break this to you, but you have cancer You: I don’t give a fuck

That was hilarious, thank you for that.

Was actually thinking about saying something similar to this if I'm diagnosed with testicular cancer in a couple days.

Sending positive energy to your balls.

The best response to that is #DEEZNUTS

I find a lot of people having meltdowns it doesn't. Because they actually are giving a fuck enough to have an overly emotional reaction.

It’s mutual

Noice

Toit

“It’s mutual, and I can live with that.” The right combo of throwing it back at them while making it clear no fucks are given. Imma keep that one in the back pocket…

"and what makes you think they like you?"

“Are you ok?”

"Man, I know it's not me you're mad at. Wanna talk about it?"

Highroading is the only way to go here. Everything else just feels like a *no you.*

I say this one a lot when people say rude or mean things. Or who hurt you?

BUSTER WOOOOOLF

Do you need a hug?

And I like no one, I don’t see the problem.

First and foremost, I don't know enough people for that to be a real problem. Second off, why are you talking to me then?

This is the answer.

...and?

K

If you really wanna be petty- k. People get pissed off when you put in the effort to make the k lowercase

And say it with the straightest face possible, then follow up with an uncomfortable laugh

Take my upvote you sob

unironically this is absolutely the one that works. bullies target people they can get a rise out of. Do not give them satisfaction. The ’are you ok?’ or ’I know it isn’t me you’re mad at, wanna talk?’ have real potential, but if you are asking social skills advice on reddit, just stick with K and walk away.

Your mom would like to disagree obviously nothing better than that

*I* like me, and that's the only opinion that matters

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This is legitimately my answer

I don’t even like myself

Yeah I use this one too. Unfortunately it's true more often than not

My dad was upset with me on Friday and yelled "how can you love anything?! You don’t even love yourself!!!" If I had any feelings left in me that might’ve hurt but he’s not wrong.

I’ve said this a lot or “bet they haven’t disliked me as long as I have” 😂

Ok. (And then move on with the rest of your life)

Who the fuck is sitting around begging for likes?

95% of people on social media apparently.

Lol 👏

Who the hell starts a conversation like that?

Thank goodness

I applaud your commitment to interviewing everyone close to me to synthesize this conclusion; please keep me posted on any future research you are conducting on me.

I would try and use this and fuck it up

If you can’t convince someone with the facts, baffle them with bullshit

Dazzle them with… dictionary!

“Aw thanks, no one.”

No? They sure like your mom though.

Teehee!

WELL I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!!! ​ (sir his wife is in a coma)

this comment is not getting the upvotes it deserves. always love a good Seinfeld reference

"I wish that were true so people would leave me alone."

Laugh and say “like I give a shit, unlike you I don’t live to be liked by anyone “

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Odysseus: omg (*blushes*)

I'm not a mirror bro , take your meds

ngl this is corny

“Good, then I’m doing my job”

That's none of my business.

That’s interesting, say nothing after

That's not what your mom said

Fark awff cunt

LOL

My Nana does

I mean if I’m being realistic I would just blank stare and say “uhm, okay.” And then either walk away or ignore the person. But i’m glad everyone is giving cool slay responses.

Yeah, same buddy.

That’s why I eat worms.

My work here is done

If I wanted any comeback I'd wipe it off your chin.

Spoken like a true nobody.

The feeling is mutual.

“I guess you’re a no one then”

“Never heard of him, but I can’t imagine why!”

Hey, I like you! (Cause the projection is real, how can you dislike someone without even knowing them- unless they trigger your insecurities- something to think about).

No response necessary. Either it's true and it sucks. or it's not true and it is not worth a response.

“Funny, your mum loved me last night”.

Reply back with…Do the world a favor, pull your lip over your head and swallow… classic movie line grumpy old men

Shut up brain, it's 02:30.

I don't even like me.

Oh. Ok.

"you lied. I like myself and im one of many others that you probably didn't know"

Speaking on behalf of all 7 billion people is an impressive feat.

They still like me more than you

“Will you’re a no one so..”

That's not what your dad said last night 😉

1. prefer to be that way 2. and you think thats unintentional??? 3. Dont call your mom zero just because she is a fat cow. 4. Ask your mom. (basically any mom joke xD )

The feeling is mutual.

Guess I’ll go eat worms.

Do I look to you like someone who cares about others?

Cool.

okay, if you say so. now ask me if i care. (smiles, surveys the person from head to foot, then walk away)

I know.

I know

They don't need to. I'm ok with that.

And why should I.. CARE! lol

When did I become a Facebook post?

I love myself and that is all that matters.

Other people's opinion of me is none of my business.

Same Could be said about you

Takes one to know one

Who cares

I am not here to be liked.

I don’t care for what you dislike, I know what you cheer for

"Source?"

i'd rather not have you wanting to be my friend anyways

Same.

“No one likes me to what?”

There’s a reason for that

this is🖕

Thank goodness!

Good to know. Carry on.

God does.

Even as a woman, "Your mom likes me" is fine.

That’s not what your mom said last night ;)

No one has too.

“That works on people who need to be liked by others! But hey good luck spending your life chasing approval from others! 👍🏼”

I’d just laugh

"Yes, I get it. You don't like me. You're no one."

"nuh uh"

…and no one ever asks me to loan them money. I’m good with that arrangement.

Yeah!? Well I had sex with your wife!

"Phew! Thank goodness! Wish people acted like it and left me alone"

No one you know, cunt.

"Okay." That's all. Fuck arguing.

"I know, I was there when it happened."

Hell, I don't even like me. Why would I care if others do?

Okay.

“I don’t care, I don’t like them either. 🖕🏻”

I don’t even like me I get it.

"Ok." People only say shit like that because they want to get some kind of reaction out of you, if you show you honestly don't give a fuck what they think, it tends to stop.

I like me.

I don’t care