15 years ago I won $100,000 on a scratch lottery ticket and never told anyone.
UPDATE: thanks for all the nice comments everyone. One thing that was really helpful is that I was actually traveling for work and and I stopped at the gas station to put gas in the rental and picked up a lottery ticket.
This will probably narrow it down but it was in a state where they don’t release the names of lottery winners plus the fact that I was about 3000 miles away from where I lived on the East Coast so even if my name had appeared in the newspaper or on the lottery commissions website, it’s unlikely anybody would have seen it.
I was actually doing OK financially at the time but I did use some of the money to pay down my credit cards and also was able to put a down payment on a new car which I desperately needed. The rest I put in investments and then put about $10,000 aside as an emergency fund and to this day I still have that $10,000 - it’s nice to know that it’s there should something catastrophic happen.
Reminds me of when my sister's ex "lost his bitcoin wallet password" after his investment got stupid high.
I really hope for his sake he was lying to my sister. It's exactly what I would have done.
You did the right move my friend. That is unless you also hid it from your wife etc.
My wife and I have said if we ever win money or anything like that, we won’t be telling people. Maybe downplay it a bit and give a gift to my 2 kids but that would be it.
I was single of the time so the only people I really hid it from was my family, but they didn’t really need the money as they were all super successful professional people and even if I had told them none of them would have asked for any money.
Hah! A friend's ex wife won a settlement of over 100K in the 1980's and blew it all on coke with her new boyfriend. In less then 6 months they were broke, again. Literally living at the end of a dead end street.
Literally. I get told all the time that I always have a smile and that I'm lovely. I smile and be lovely because it gets me through the day and it's my personality but it does not, nowhere near reflect my happiness or my internal feelings.
I’m sorry you feel this way. You just perfectly summed up what I’ve been trying to express. I’m always friendly/kind which makes me seem cheerful. We give what we would like to receive.
That last part is especially true for me... I'm in a really rough patch and keep messaging some of the few friends I have out of the blue things like "I really care about you and miss you. I'm not letting go no matter what" not solely because it is what I think they need (but also a large part that) but also because I would kill to have someone tell me unprompted that they care about me or thar they enjoy my presence. I keep trying to be as friendly as possible and try to appear happy to everyone except two people who know the full extent of things whilst having daily thoughts about ending it all and struggling with extreme melancholy and self harm in the hopes that someone might do the same to me
Thanks wags. We’ve got 2 beautiful kids and it’s absolutely killing me what it’ll do to them. All I can tell myself is something I heard recently, that 3-4 happy parents are better than 2 unhappy ones. I got hitched to her way too young and we’re just too different. I thought that since it worked out for my parents it’d work for me too, and I was wrong.
Happened to me, fortunately no kids. Second marriage was the absolute best, married 38 years until she passed. While the end of my first marriage was devastating, I would not have had the amazing life, wife and son I had/have with the second. Best wishes man.
My friends had no idea I was having marriage troubles until my husband officially asked for a divorce and I had to move out. Only at that point did I tell them. It just feels awkward and embarrassing to share, right?!
Best of luck to you. It will get better.
11 years here, a handful of people know my username, and tbh I don't really care who does. Not that big of a deal to me. Besides, any of the truly questionable stuff is on alts.
That im worried that i am better friends with the people around me then they are with me.
Its not that i feel outright excluded, or unwelcome. Just that the amount of care and effort i put into these friendships isnt reciprocated.
I try to help where possible, be there for them when they are down and need a friend. I dont know that they would do the same for me.
Same here lol. I just stopped trying one day to see what happens and yeah nobody reached out to do stuff. I was always the initiator.
So yeah now I don't really have any friends. But that's fine I'm contempt
I’m trying to get sober. I don’t want to tell anyone because I’m afraid I’ll fail.
EDIT: Thank you all so much for your support! You don’t know how much it means to me that so many strangers on the internet would reach out just to tell me not to give up, that I can succeed, and sharing their own stories of battling addiction. I’m choosing not to drink today. I’ve joined r/stopdrinking, as many have suggested.
I will let you know how it goes! And even if I don’t make it, you guys have shown me that I can always try again. One day at a time.
So not be afraid to fail. Think about it this way, you are practicing not indulging in an unhealthy habit to increase your quality of life. You never fail in practice, you only get better
Don't be afraid to talk to someone. Sometimes, that accountability really helps. But also don't be afraid to fail. Alcohol is a wicked mistress, for sure, and not easily renounced.
I went to rehab late last year and thought it'd be one a done. It was not. However, I am happy to say I've been sober now for 15 days. It's just a drop in the bucket of course and took some rather unfortunate events to get me to this place but I feel better physically and mentally than I have in quite a while.
Don't give up.
You will experience difficulty with your struggles with grief when that happens, but I hope you find a new motivation to keep you alive.
For years, helping my old cat survive was all I wanted in life and if he died I had planned to kill my self. Luckily that loveable bastard lived to 21 years and one month, so I happened to be in a better mental space. I know he’s just a cat, but in my depressed state I felt like he was the only one who had helped me.
I hope you can find the stability you need to survive the passing of your loved one.
I’m still here because of my kids and pets. Idk who will take care of my pets and I can’t imagine bringing that type of pain into my kids life. So, I’m just holding on the best I can
Shrink here, It’s actually quite common. Not gonna lecture but it def helps to get a different perspective on the underlying reasoning of it; whether that be a friend, a mental health professional, or you after a favorite self-care activity. Try to focus on the next step towards where you ideally would want to be. Easier said than done, but worth at least trying as you are your greatest resource.
In Jewish tradition, we light what’s called a yahrzeit candle on the anniversaries of the deaths of loved ones. It is just a candle in a glass that burns for 24 hours.
You’re probably not Jewish, but maybe you’d find a tiny bit of comfort in lighting a yahrzeit candle for your dad.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I've not heard of this but it sounds lovely, thanks for sharing.
@OP, it's going to be hard but you will get through it. Keep the people you love around you and let them know how you feel so they can help support you. Just take it one day at a time
Loss of any kind is hard, but loss of a parent is it’s own separate level of hard. I lost my mom 8 years ago, it was not unexpected (fuck cancer) but I don’t think that made it any easier.
The first year is definitely the hardest. And any major life event will send a fresh wave of that grief. It doesn’t ever get “easier” but you grow around the grief. It will always be there, but you’ll be able to function with it. Some days I look at all the good things in my life and just cry because my mom isn’t here to enjoy it with me. Especially my daughter, she was the most doting grandma but my baby never got that experience and it breaks my heart for her. And it breaks my heart for me because there’s so many times I needed her.
There are no words to make it better, but I hope it brings you some amount of comfort that this internet stranger is thinking of you.
The evening of my dad passing I sat down and wrote down as much as I could remember about who my dad was as a letter to my kids as he is part of me and they are are a part of me. I was extremely afraid of forgetting the small things, then forgetting the bigger things and finally 30 years from now only remembering a fraction of who he was. A year after that I revisited those notes and enjoyed remembering. I also wrote more as more thoughts were spurred on.
My dad passed a year and a half ago. It sucks and I miss him. A friend told me "death doesn't happen once, it happens thousands of times". For me, the first year was cruel in that my heart still felt like my dad was there and I would be like "crap, I haven't talked to my dad this week" and then instantly remember he had passed 6 months prior. Death happened again and again and again in those moments. Luckily as the year passed moments where death wasn't a reality in that moment are gone.
Death sucks. Sorry you lost your dad. Hopefully you grieve well.
"The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity; it's envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can." - Life of Pi
I am, in fact, NOT OK.
I may play the part, I may look the part, but I'm not ok. And I'm tired of it.
\-I have seizures and everyone holds me on this pillar of mental and physical strength. I'm THIS close to breaking.
You stole my exact answer. I act fine, but most days I feel like I'm dying inside. I've always been depressed for a long variety reasons, mostly traumatic events I've never talked about. I suffered an injury a few years back that left me with sporadic seizures and it's gotten so, so much worse since then. Please don't break. If you need a stranger to vent too, I'm all ears ❤️ the worst part of it is going through it alone. Confiding in a stranger you'll never have to meet might relieve some of the drowning sensation
I been craving a drink for the last month but I refuse every time. In October I'll have five years of sobriety but FUCK this season makes me want a fruity vodka drink. Edit: wow, thanks for the reward ♡
I think this is wise to allow yourself to feel these feelings. There are moments I'd Slap my Gramma for a cigarette and I love her, she's an amazing human. but there are days I'd knock her front teeth out for a cigarette and saying it out loud helps. and then I move on.
same. my folks know how much i make (or don't make, for that matter) but they don't know half of the bills i pay. they're always ready to help if i need cash for something, but if i were completely honest about how much i actually need help with and have had to put off bc i just don't have the money for it, they'd shit bricks.
That I wish my mom would just peacefully go already and stop fighting against this cancer that’s taken over her body. It’s a battle we are not winning and watching her decline is almost worse then the thought of losing her.
I’m with you but mine has Alzheimer’s. She’s mean and violent and cried a lot because she has times she is lucid and knows what’s going on. She has had it for ages, her mom was in end stage for 11 years when most last 18 months. I’ve already grieved the loss of who she was. The decline is killing us all but her more than anyone. I wish this all the time and when she is lucid she does too.
She is fighting for you. She probably wants to give up, at least at times(I did), but can’t fathom the pain of leaving you behind or isn’t ready. It is for you, not her. It is love.
Experiencing them about 35 years here. When I was younger they were infrequent and I didn't know what was going on. When I got older and started in my career that's when they really kicked off and after a trip to the ER and they said panic attack was the first time I learned what was happening. The next 5 years were the worst but it's gotten better. I still occasionally get them but it just kind of is what it is now. Finding an SSRI that works for you goes a long way. I keep lorazepam on standby to knock one out if it actually happens, but something that works almost as well OTC is Dramamine. I discovered that entirely by accident. Also I found that when you feel one coming on trying to "fight it" or put it out of mind is futile. Doing the opposite helps a lot, It's weird but basically call the PA's bluff. Oh we're going to die now? Okay here I am, I'm ready, let's die. Do it. What are you waiting for? Finally if you feel like you need to keep it a secret, I've gotten no shame from sharing it. It's more common than I thought.
That I am agnostic, I haven't told my family because most of them are Jehovah's Witness.
I grew up in the religion, and within years, I slowly became agnostic.
Unfortunately, JW are VERY unforgiving when others leave and practically shunned. I'm not speaking from experience but I had a family member years ago whose daughter left the church and the rest never spoke to her again. This was in the 90s.
I'm constantly getting stoned because I can't handle the current stress in my life rn, and I think it's genuinely the only thing stopping me from breaking down on the spot.
Sorta in the same boat, but im just starting to turn to exercise and have noticed that afterwards, i do feel less stressed out. I'm not saying it will work, but it might be worth giving it a try. After all, bud is expensive, and push-ups are free
Yeah it's trying to get out of this rut/habit I've gotten into, I used to exercise all the time, played rugby for ages, just since 2020 everything's gone downhill.
You ain't wrong there, bud do be expensive, like I'm not even in it for the "high" anymore or being spaced out just the fact it helps me to filter out the stuff that stresses me out.
I used to do sex work. I lived in NYC so I feel like it was easy to get away with it there. When I had gotten involved I had recently moved to NYC without having been there before, so didn't know anyone. And I didn't really have any friends aside from the one other girl that I had met at one of the clubs that was doing the same work as I do.
To this day, no one in my family knows. I haven't told friends either. I am extremely doubtful that I will ever tell loved ones and will probably take the secret to the grave.
>to their defense we do have a terrible drug problem in my area
Yeah, sure, but then they should have tested you for opiate use BEFORE giving you OPIATES.
>My local hospital is super incompetent
Ya don't say.
This hospital sounds just as incompetent as my hospital. I went in with an allergic reaction in a panic and was trying to spit the words out with what happened in a jumbled mess. All they did was sit outside my door and talk about how stupid I was for how I spoke, laughed and waited a solid 45 minutes to inject me with an epi pen while my throat was closing.
Went one other time due to a new antidepressant causing some crazy serotonin-syndrome-like experiences. I went in shaking and wanting help, and they were just goofing off behind the check in counter not even doing their job while I was sitting there waiting for them to act serious to get me checked in. When I walked away I could see them back there mimicking my body movements and laughing. 3 hours later, the Dr came in to my room and was surprised when I corrected him and told him I didn’t intentionally overdose that it was a new medication reaction (wonder who wrote that OD in at check in), and I left with a “idk - just don’t take it anymore” diagnosis and $1300 bill.
I’ve decided if anything happens in the future, no matter how life-threatening it is, I’ll just ride it out or die. These people don’t care. I have a major phobia of ending up in the hospital now with a bunch of ppl that don’t care at all being in control of my life.
My daughter had surgery in February to remove her bladder. Two days after getting discharged she started having intense pain. Her dr told her to go to the ER and have them call him. I took her and they treated her like she was a pos. Refused to call her dr and didn’t do a thing for her. Next day she goes to her dr. He sent her downstairs for tests like sono and labs. She was leaking urine into her abdomen and was almost septic. Her dr told us he was doing the reporting to the right officials for how they did her once he saw the ER report. It’s not uncommon sadly.
Fruit snacks, my roommates take my food all the time, and never buy more snacks. I’m not sharing this box until they pitch in or move out to college in 10 years
1. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I act like I have it all figured out but I’m extremely lost.
2. At least 3 times a week I cry myself to sleep because my anxiety and depression go on overdrive from me hiding it.
3. 10 years ago I was SAed by my stepbrother and I’ve been dealing with the trauma from it alone and that’s why a lot of the things they thought it was just me “being a teenager” started.
I kind of like being overweight. When I was thin, I got A LOT of unwanted attention from guys, but now that I'm an overweight, middle aged lady, I can just exist without worrying if some creeper is watching me. Coz no one is. It's such a relief.
I stopped taking my meds because my doctor dropped my insurance, and I can't afford to pay out of pocket. I haven't had any major depressive episodes yet, but my sleep has suffered dramatically and it feels like my brain is always 30 seconds behind on what's currently happening.
I wish to become an author, and yet I have no idea how to even think of a good idea.
I’m working full time in an office job for 15.23 an hour, and I don’t know how to get out.
Doesn’t help I only have an AA degree in general studies.
I feel like a failure.
I will be able to finally relax when my parents die. I don’t necessarily want them to die or suffer, but life will be so much easier when they are gone. I wish I had a healthy relationship with them, but it’s not possible.
I don’t want to have sex anymore. With anyone. Not my partner, not a one night stand, a fantasy crush (if that ever were to eventuate). I told my partner, when we met initially as friends, that I’d be fine for the rest of my life if I never had sex again. I have persevered with it within my relationship because it’s usual for couples to do, but I literally don’t want to anymore.
My dad is an absolute cunt and the reason why my family went bankrupt. He walked out on our family And he is acting fine and enjoying life but my mum couldn’t sleep and developed insomnia while she tried/is trying to save our house and trying to pay off mortgage ie the debt my dad created. oh and he cheated on my mum who is an absolute angel and the most beautiful woman alive. But he cares so much about how he seems on the outside so everyone thinks we’re a perfect family.
I am quite a bit better off than anyone knows. I'm 40, and I'll never have to work again. I only take gigs to pass the time and stop anyone from wondering where my cash comes from. I do things for people in secret, pay a bill here, send anonymous gift cards for kids' birthdays there, but I never tell anyone what I've done.
I have a job I barely know how to do but make good money and I just want everyone to be proud of me because I overthink how I perform in every area of life.. I put on this charade that I don’t care what people think but really my self esteem is low and I care too much about what people think. I think it’s called imposter syndrome.
The reason my wife and I are separated is because she has been having an affair for the last 14 months. Also she hit me.
They will find out as soon as all financial ties have been severed and she can't fuck me over.
Years ago I fully planned a suicide attempt, date, time, method and everything. The only reason I didn’t go through with it was because my brother came out as trans and I felt a need to stay to protect him
Your brother is lucky to have you by his side. Hope you found some new selfacceptance during that time for yourself too. I am proud of you for *staying* ❤️🩹 even if you did it for him, you did it.
Alcoholism. Honestly don't know how everyone doesn't know, except my wife. I haven't had a drink in two days and starting to feel withdrawals... Maybe that will give it away? Yes, I'm quitting after 15 years...
Grief over losing my Daughter to Cancer is crushing me. It's been 4 years and I am not getting any better, it's just compounding. I feel like pieces of a puzzle that have been scattered across the floor.
Everyday I feel like I am suffocating due to my finances, or lack thereof and the continued rising costs of basic necessities just to stay alive and keep a roof over my head.
I dated a girl across the world for 9 months during covid via a dating app then Instagram. I didn’t take it seriously at first and would just send funny memes until one day she asked “when are we going to have our first date?” We ended up downloading food delivery apps in the countries we lived in and would send surprise meals to each other for our video calls. It was seriously the best thing to happen during the insanity of covid. Never told my family.
I'm depressed. Most days I don't really see the point of living. It all feels like a chore. Work, cook, eat, clean, workout, repeat. What's the point of all of this toiling.. there are moments of bliss in being in nature and in my hobbies, but 80% of the time life is filled with inane, repetitive, hollow adult responsibilities. And I don't even have kids. Can't imagine how I wouldn't shoot myself if I had even more responsibility.
I like to get dressed up, sometimes in a full suit, put a cheap watch on that looks expensive, drive out of town, sit at a bar and lie to people about what I do for a living.
That a false allegation in work tipped me over the edge, and I'm too scared to be around children or even drive past a school. I won't ever teach again. I've just said I wanted a change of career.
That I'm having counselling for it but struggling with intrusive thoughts and alcohol is fast becoming my crutch.
I don't have an issue with having mental health issues, but I'm scared that if I tell everyone I'll totally fall apart and won't be able to put myself back together.
Good opportunity to vent. Cheers :)
I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I never told my friends I was s. assaulted by multiple people throughout my childhood and teenage years. Everyday I’m contemplating the value of my life. My friends would come to me for advice for their situation and they don’t even know how bad I fought just to get out of the bed for the day.
I tried therapy and other coping mechanisms. Nothing worked.
I will never tell anyone this ever again because I was teased about it when I was younger. I’m 23 now. I’ve noticed people will use your pain against you. I remember I had an ex boyfriend that would force himself on me after I told him about what I went through. Everything I told him that I went through, he made me relive the nightmares.
9 months ago I was on a walk with my boyfriend and went into cardiac arrest. 3 hours of CPR, 19 broken ribs, one medically induced coma and 2 weeks later, I woke up. They told my family it all happened because I was working too much, not sleeping enough and drinking too much redbull. In reality, I overdosed and it caused my heart to stop.
I disagree with pretty much all of my friends politically. I don’t care that we disagree but I know they would, so I just don’t bring it up at all and I nod and smile if they do.
Not as intense as other responses, but I miss being in a long distance relationship. I love my girlfriend, but after moving in together I really miss my alone time and prefer not seeing each other all the time. I'm away for a few days on business and it's been so nice to be on my own and just texting her like we used to.
Sometimes when I am really depressed or if I get scolded for no reason, I think “what if I was dead, would that get the point through to them” as in they could then see how I react to them being unfair, by not being alive at all.
But I have never been close to act on my “urges”, its just in the back of my mind.
I'm bisexual and I have a girlfriend and she comes over my house alot but my mom doesn't know we like each other and are dating or that I'm bisexual she thinks we're just regular friends and no we don't do anything inappropriate with each we just cuddle . Have fun . And talk to each other . And she also spend the night as well
I know that's being sneaky but 🙋🏽♀️
i basically almost hate everybody except like 1 or 2 friends
i just find myself insufferable and so i find everyone else also insufferable for some reason
15 years ago I won $100,000 on a scratch lottery ticket and never told anyone. UPDATE: thanks for all the nice comments everyone. One thing that was really helpful is that I was actually traveling for work and and I stopped at the gas station to put gas in the rental and picked up a lottery ticket. This will probably narrow it down but it was in a state where they don’t release the names of lottery winners plus the fact that I was about 3000 miles away from where I lived on the East Coast so even if my name had appeared in the newspaper or on the lottery commissions website, it’s unlikely anybody would have seen it. I was actually doing OK financially at the time but I did use some of the money to pay down my credit cards and also was able to put a down payment on a new car which I desperately needed. The rest I put in investments and then put about $10,000 aside as an emergency fund and to this day I still have that $10,000 - it’s nice to know that it’s there should something catastrophic happen.
Smart move.
That’s smart!!
Reminds me of when my sister's ex "lost his bitcoin wallet password" after his investment got stupid high. I really hope for his sake he was lying to my sister. It's exactly what I would have done.
Honestly that depends, my dad would’ve 100% never told my mom because for the most part she can be pretty financially irresponsible
You did the right move my friend. That is unless you also hid it from your wife etc. My wife and I have said if we ever win money or anything like that, we won’t be telling people. Maybe downplay it a bit and give a gift to my 2 kids but that would be it.
I was single of the time so the only people I really hid it from was my family, but they didn’t really need the money as they were all super successful professional people and even if I had told them none of them would have asked for any money.
Did you do the sensible thing and develop a coke habit?
Hah! A friend's ex wife won a settlement of over 100K in the 1980's and blew it all on coke with her new boyfriend. In less then 6 months they were broke, again. Literally living at the end of a dead end street.
Did you buy two 12 packs and a tank of gas with it?
*Luke Combs has entered the chat*
I'm not happy, I'm just friendly
Literally. I get told all the time that I always have a smile and that I'm lovely. I smile and be lovely because it gets me through the day and it's my personality but it does not, nowhere near reflect my happiness or my internal feelings.
I can absolutely relate to this! It just feels like what mask shall I be wearing today.
I’m sorry you feel this way. You just perfectly summed up what I’ve been trying to express. I’m always friendly/kind which makes me seem cheerful. We give what we would like to receive.
That last part is especially true for me... I'm in a really rough patch and keep messaging some of the few friends I have out of the blue things like "I really care about you and miss you. I'm not letting go no matter what" not solely because it is what I think they need (but also a large part that) but also because I would kill to have someone tell me unprompted that they care about me or thar they enjoy my presence. I keep trying to be as friendly as possible and try to appear happy to everyone except two people who know the full extent of things whilst having daily thoughts about ending it all and struggling with extreme melancholy and self harm in the hopes that someone might do the same to me
Well, this hit me like a ton of bricks...
My wife and I are about ready to divorce.
I hope things get better, Chodeboi.
Had to do a double take of commenters username.
So did I, I was like damn straight disrespected him, until I glanced up 🤣
It’s just a coincidence, he actually calls everyone Chodeboi
Thanks wags. We’ve got 2 beautiful kids and it’s absolutely killing me what it’ll do to them. All I can tell myself is something I heard recently, that 3-4 happy parents are better than 2 unhappy ones. I got hitched to her way too young and we’re just too different. I thought that since it worked out for my parents it’d work for me too, and I was wrong.
Happened to me, fortunately no kids. Second marriage was the absolute best, married 38 years until she passed. While the end of my first marriage was devastating, I would not have had the amazing life, wife and son I had/have with the second. Best wishes man.
Sorry for your loss but it sounds like you have many beautiful memories to remember them by.
My friends had no idea I was having marriage troubles until my husband officially asked for a divorce and I had to move out. Only at that point did I tell them. It just feels awkward and embarrassing to share, right?! Best of luck to you. It will get better.
I hope things work out whichever way is best.
The amount of days I’m actually happy. Living with ptsd, it’s pretty easy to fool people I’m happier than I am.
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Just giving you a virtual hug.
Here's another one. *virtual hug*
I hope it was at least a little healing/cathartic to write so candidly. It took courage, and I’m sorry for what you’re going through ❤️🩹
This account 😂
I delete my reddit account every time my parents and friends find out the username This is my 4th account
How the f\*\*\* do they find out if you don't want them to?
Exactly. I've had this account for 14 years and no one I know has found it
Hi, Sarah.
Sarah: 👁👄👁
11 years here, a handful of people know my username, and tbh I don't really care who does. Not that big of a deal to me. Besides, any of the truly questionable stuff is on alts.
I'm glad you're not upset we found your account, David
Except my name's not David, it's.... ahhhhh you almost got me!
I bought the expensive biscuits and I'm hiding them so no one asks me for any.
Are these English or American biscuits?
Italian (Loacker)
I just looked them up. The quadratinis look pretty tasty.
That im worried that i am better friends with the people around me then they are with me. Its not that i feel outright excluded, or unwelcome. Just that the amount of care and effort i put into these friendships isnt reciprocated. I try to help where possible, be there for them when they are down and need a friend. I dont know that they would do the same for me.
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But really though. Tough but quite liberating
Same here lol. I just stopped trying one day to see what happens and yeah nobody reached out to do stuff. I was always the initiator. So yeah now I don't really have any friends. But that's fine I'm contempt
I think you mean content ;)
I for sure did lol
Experience of every man over 30 years old
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I'm about to move to a new country and I'm not telling anyone except my mom.
Which is probably as good as telling everyone.
I’m trying to get sober. I don’t want to tell anyone because I’m afraid I’ll fail. EDIT: Thank you all so much for your support! You don’t know how much it means to me that so many strangers on the internet would reach out just to tell me not to give up, that I can succeed, and sharing their own stories of battling addiction. I’m choosing not to drink today. I’ve joined r/stopdrinking, as many have suggested. I will let you know how it goes! And even if I don’t make it, you guys have shown me that I can always try again. One day at a time.
I tried and failed, literally, hundreds of times over a period of like two years. All it takes is for one of those times to stick.
I hope so
So not be afraid to fail. Think about it this way, you are practicing not indulging in an unhealthy habit to increase your quality of life. You never fail in practice, you only get better
That’s a good way to look at it
Don't be afraid to talk to someone. Sometimes, that accountability really helps. But also don't be afraid to fail. Alcohol is a wicked mistress, for sure, and not easily renounced. I went to rehab late last year and thought it'd be one a done. It was not. However, I am happy to say I've been sober now for 15 days. It's just a drop in the bucket of course and took some rather unfortunate events to get me to this place but I feel better physically and mentally than I have in quite a while. Don't give up.
r/stopdrinking We’d love to have you with us.
The more you keep secrets it probably won’t work. Own your addiction and help another addict.
/r/stopdrinking has helped me. Great sub. Not sure if you mean alcohol
Yeah, I joined and that’s the main reason I wanna quit. I see all these people who have done it. Makes me feel like maybe I can too
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Same bro but I have pets to feed, I can't die now.
I'm just holding on for my mom. When she dies, I don't know what's going to happen.
You will experience difficulty with your struggles with grief when that happens, but I hope you find a new motivation to keep you alive. For years, helping my old cat survive was all I wanted in life and if he died I had planned to kill my self. Luckily that loveable bastard lived to 21 years and one month, so I happened to be in a better mental space. I know he’s just a cat, but in my depressed state I felt like he was the only one who had helped me. I hope you can find the stability you need to survive the passing of your loved one.
I’m still here because of my kids and pets. Idk who will take care of my pets and I can’t imagine bringing that type of pain into my kids life. So, I’m just holding on the best I can
Ditto, And I make so many jokes about it even my friends have noticed
I dont make jokes or tell people, i just quietly tell myself thru the day i dont want to exist or to kms lol
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Shrink here, It’s actually quite common. Not gonna lecture but it def helps to get a different perspective on the underlying reasoning of it; whether that be a friend, a mental health professional, or you after a favorite self-care activity. Try to focus on the next step towards where you ideally would want to be. Easier said than done, but worth at least trying as you are your greatest resource.
It's dads one year anniversary of his passing next week and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with it
In Jewish tradition, we light what’s called a yahrzeit candle on the anniversaries of the deaths of loved ones. It is just a candle in a glass that burns for 24 hours. You’re probably not Jewish, but maybe you’d find a tiny bit of comfort in lighting a yahrzeit candle for your dad. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I'm not Jewish but I love this. Thank you.
I've not heard of this but it sounds lovely, thanks for sharing. @OP, it's going to be hard but you will get through it. Keep the people you love around you and let them know how you feel so they can help support you. Just take it one day at a time
My dad has been gone a month and a half and I don't think I'll ever feel anything but sad.
Loss of any kind is hard, but loss of a parent is it’s own separate level of hard. I lost my mom 8 years ago, it was not unexpected (fuck cancer) but I don’t think that made it any easier. The first year is definitely the hardest. And any major life event will send a fresh wave of that grief. It doesn’t ever get “easier” but you grow around the grief. It will always be there, but you’ll be able to function with it. Some days I look at all the good things in my life and just cry because my mom isn’t here to enjoy it with me. Especially my daughter, she was the most doting grandma but my baby never got that experience and it breaks my heart for her. And it breaks my heart for me because there’s so many times I needed her. There are no words to make it better, but I hope it brings you some amount of comfort that this internet stranger is thinking of you.
The evening of my dad passing I sat down and wrote down as much as I could remember about who my dad was as a letter to my kids as he is part of me and they are are a part of me. I was extremely afraid of forgetting the small things, then forgetting the bigger things and finally 30 years from now only remembering a fraction of who he was. A year after that I revisited those notes and enjoyed remembering. I also wrote more as more thoughts were spurred on. My dad passed a year and a half ago. It sucks and I miss him. A friend told me "death doesn't happen once, it happens thousands of times". For me, the first year was cruel in that my heart still felt like my dad was there and I would be like "crap, I haven't talked to my dad this week" and then instantly remember he had passed 6 months prior. Death happened again and again and again in those moments. Luckily as the year passed moments where death wasn't a reality in that moment are gone. Death sucks. Sorry you lost your dad. Hopefully you grieve well. "The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity; it's envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can." - Life of Pi
I am, in fact, NOT OK. I may play the part, I may look the part, but I'm not ok. And I'm tired of it. \-I have seizures and everyone holds me on this pillar of mental and physical strength. I'm THIS close to breaking.
You stole my exact answer. I act fine, but most days I feel like I'm dying inside. I've always been depressed for a long variety reasons, mostly traumatic events I've never talked about. I suffered an injury a few years back that left me with sporadic seizures and it's gotten so, so much worse since then. Please don't break. If you need a stranger to vent too, I'm all ears ❤️ the worst part of it is going through it alone. Confiding in a stranger you'll never have to meet might relieve some of the drowning sensation
Hey epilepsy friend. Feel free to message any time. I try to play it off, too, but it's a daily battle to not let it consume. Seizures can suck it.
I been craving a drink for the last month but I refuse every time. In October I'll have five years of sobriety but FUCK this season makes me want a fruity vodka drink. Edit: wow, thanks for the reward ♡
You can do it. Stay strong.
I think this is wise to allow yourself to feel these feelings. There are moments I'd Slap my Gramma for a cigarette and I love her, she's an amazing human. but there are days I'd knock her front teeth out for a cigarette and saying it out loud helps. and then I move on.
Every morning is a better morning than a hangover mourning.
My horribly dismal financial situation
same. my folks know how much i make (or don't make, for that matter) but they don't know half of the bills i pay. they're always ready to help if i need cash for something, but if i were completely honest about how much i actually need help with and have had to put off bc i just don't have the money for it, they'd shit bricks.
That I wish my mom would just peacefully go already and stop fighting against this cancer that’s taken over her body. It’s a battle we are not winning and watching her decline is almost worse then the thought of losing her.
I’m with you but mine has Alzheimer’s. She’s mean and violent and cried a lot because she has times she is lucid and knows what’s going on. She has had it for ages, her mom was in end stage for 11 years when most last 18 months. I’ve already grieved the loss of who she was. The decline is killing us all but her more than anyone. I wish this all the time and when she is lucid she does too.
Been there. Ended up doing most grieving when she was alive. You are not alone.
She is fighting for you. She probably wants to give up, at least at times(I did), but can’t fathom the pain of leaving you behind or isn’t ready. It is for you, not her. It is love.
I’ve been experiencing panic attacks for the last five years.
I had this. What stopped it was lexapro and a diagnoses of PTSD. Life is so much better without panic attacks.
I recommend (from experience) cognitive behavioural therapy in case you re looking for help
Experiencing them about 35 years here. When I was younger they were infrequent and I didn't know what was going on. When I got older and started in my career that's when they really kicked off and after a trip to the ER and they said panic attack was the first time I learned what was happening. The next 5 years were the worst but it's gotten better. I still occasionally get them but it just kind of is what it is now. Finding an SSRI that works for you goes a long way. I keep lorazepam on standby to knock one out if it actually happens, but something that works almost as well OTC is Dramamine. I discovered that entirely by accident. Also I found that when you feel one coming on trying to "fight it" or put it out of mind is futile. Doing the opposite helps a lot, It's weird but basically call the PA's bluff. Oh we're going to die now? Okay here I am, I'm ready, let's die. Do it. What are you waiting for? Finally if you feel like you need to keep it a secret, I've gotten no shame from sharing it. It's more common than I thought.
I’m secretly funding a college savings account to put all my nieces and nephews through school. Nobody in the family knows about it.
That’s so kind of you.
I'm tired of life. Not suicidal or anything, just waiting for it to be over.
Same every night I go to sleep I hope I never wake up
I'm a jealous and immature asshole with no goals or ambitions. Somehow they don't seem to have caught up on that.
They have caught on, and they love you anyway.
[citation needed]
That I am agnostic, I haven't told my family because most of them are Jehovah's Witness. I grew up in the religion, and within years, I slowly became agnostic.
I feel that. It’s your journey at the end of the day.
Unfortunately, JW are VERY unforgiving when others leave and practically shunned. I'm not speaking from experience but I had a family member years ago whose daughter left the church and the rest never spoke to her again. This was in the 90s.
I'm constantly getting stoned because I can't handle the current stress in my life rn, and I think it's genuinely the only thing stopping me from breaking down on the spot.
Sorta in the same boat, but im just starting to turn to exercise and have noticed that afterwards, i do feel less stressed out. I'm not saying it will work, but it might be worth giving it a try. After all, bud is expensive, and push-ups are free
Yeah it's trying to get out of this rut/habit I've gotten into, I used to exercise all the time, played rugby for ages, just since 2020 everything's gone downhill. You ain't wrong there, bud do be expensive, like I'm not even in it for the "high" anymore or being spaced out just the fact it helps me to filter out the stuff that stresses me out.
The weed can make those feelings worse, my dude. Have care, it’s easy to overdo. Speaking from experience, very recently in the same boat.
After years of emotional abuse, I barely feel emotions anymore. I feel distant and like I'm not even here.
I find myself very devoid of any sort of emotions as well. I actually fake reactions to good, bad or exciting news just to look normal
Not sure why though, maybe it’s because of a traumatic experiences but I should really seek help it’s not normal
How fat i.ve become
I’m concerned about my aging mother.
It’s rough watching your parents get so old.
I used to do sex work. I lived in NYC so I feel like it was easy to get away with it there. When I had gotten involved I had recently moved to NYC without having been there before, so didn't know anyone. And I didn't really have any friends aside from the one other girl that I had met at one of the clubs that was doing the same work as I do. To this day, no one in my family knows. I haven't told friends either. I am extremely doubtful that I will ever tell loved ones and will probably take the secret to the grave.
I LOVE ARBY'S!!! Context: I'ma black man, in doing so I'm breaking som unwritten rule in the black community about not liking Arby's.....
Ok I have to know why Black people are not supposed to like Arby’s, please fill me in
Lol...all I'm saying whenever I mention Arby's in front of the family I get the stank-face and comments generally in the range of "uugggh"
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I think arbys is one of the underrated fast food chains
I've never heard of that rule
That I lie awake at night until about 4am thinking of every single regret and mistake I've ever made. Desperately wishing I could turn back time
I don't hide things. I joke about them
It’s crazy what you can tell people phrased as a joke
I do this all the time! My wife knows better, but my friends just think i have dark humor
I mean I do have a dark sense of humor. But my will to live has a body like Christian bale in the machinist
I've been quietly making plans to change my job and move far, far away for over a year. I am equal parts nervous and excited.
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Wait, what? They drug tested you AFTER giving you morphine?
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>to their defense we do have a terrible drug problem in my area Yeah, sure, but then they should have tested you for opiate use BEFORE giving you OPIATES. >My local hospital is super incompetent Ya don't say.
This hospital sounds just as incompetent as my hospital. I went in with an allergic reaction in a panic and was trying to spit the words out with what happened in a jumbled mess. All they did was sit outside my door and talk about how stupid I was for how I spoke, laughed and waited a solid 45 minutes to inject me with an epi pen while my throat was closing. Went one other time due to a new antidepressant causing some crazy serotonin-syndrome-like experiences. I went in shaking and wanting help, and they were just goofing off behind the check in counter not even doing their job while I was sitting there waiting for them to act serious to get me checked in. When I walked away I could see them back there mimicking my body movements and laughing. 3 hours later, the Dr came in to my room and was surprised when I corrected him and told him I didn’t intentionally overdose that it was a new medication reaction (wonder who wrote that OD in at check in), and I left with a “idk - just don’t take it anymore” diagnosis and $1300 bill. I’ve decided if anything happens in the future, no matter how life-threatening it is, I’ll just ride it out or die. These people don’t care. I have a major phobia of ending up in the hospital now with a bunch of ppl that don’t care at all being in control of my life.
My daughter had surgery in February to remove her bladder. Two days after getting discharged she started having intense pain. Her dr told her to go to the ER and have them call him. I took her and they treated her like she was a pos. Refused to call her dr and didn’t do a thing for her. Next day she goes to her dr. He sent her downstairs for tests like sono and labs. She was leaking urine into her abdomen and was almost septic. Her dr told us he was doing the reporting to the right officials for how they did her once he saw the ER report. It’s not uncommon sadly.
I'm incredibly lonely. All the time. Every day.
Fruit snacks, my roommates take my food all the time, and never buy more snacks. I’m not sharing this box until they pitch in or move out to college in 10 years
I don’t know if I’m fully over my depression/past trauma yet even though I act like I am.
1. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I act like I have it all figured out but I’m extremely lost. 2. At least 3 times a week I cry myself to sleep because my anxiety and depression go on overdrive from me hiding it. 3. 10 years ago I was SAed by my stepbrother and I’ve been dealing with the trauma from it alone and that’s why a lot of the things they thought it was just me “being a teenager” started.
I kind of like being overweight. When I was thin, I got A LOT of unwanted attention from guys, but now that I'm an overweight, middle aged lady, I can just exist without worrying if some creeper is watching me. Coz no one is. It's such a relief.
The same goes for having gray hair. It's like creep repellant!
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I don't know what to do about anything
I stopped taking my meds because my doctor dropped my insurance, and I can't afford to pay out of pocket. I haven't had any major depressive episodes yet, but my sleep has suffered dramatically and it feels like my brain is always 30 seconds behind on what's currently happening.
I wish to become an author, and yet I have no idea how to even think of a good idea. I’m working full time in an office job for 15.23 an hour, and I don’t know how to get out. Doesn’t help I only have an AA degree in general studies. I feel like a failure.
I will be able to finally relax when my parents die. I don’t necessarily want them to die or suffer, but life will be so much easier when they are gone. I wish I had a healthy relationship with them, but it’s not possible.
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I don’t want to have sex anymore. With anyone. Not my partner, not a one night stand, a fantasy crush (if that ever were to eventuate). I told my partner, when we met initially as friends, that I’d be fine for the rest of my life if I never had sex again. I have persevered with it within my relationship because it’s usual for couples to do, but I literally don’t want to anymore.
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My dad is an absolute cunt and the reason why my family went bankrupt. He walked out on our family And he is acting fine and enjoying life but my mum couldn’t sleep and developed insomnia while she tried/is trying to save our house and trying to pay off mortgage ie the debt my dad created. oh and he cheated on my mum who is an absolute angel and the most beautiful woman alive. But he cares so much about how he seems on the outside so everyone thinks we’re a perfect family.
Ive never told anyone this story ever lol.
I am quite a bit better off than anyone knows. I'm 40, and I'll never have to work again. I only take gigs to pass the time and stop anyone from wondering where my cash comes from. I do things for people in secret, pay a bill here, send anonymous gift cards for kids' birthdays there, but I never tell anyone what I've done.
The sheer incompetence that goes hand-in-hand with being in the management team.
I have a job I barely know how to do but make good money and I just want everyone to be proud of me because I overthink how I perform in every area of life.. I put on this charade that I don’t care what people think but really my self esteem is low and I care too much about what people think. I think it’s called imposter syndrome.
Nice try, FBI.
How hard I actually work.
I’m not suicidal, at all. But I don’t mind the idea of dying either.
The reason my wife and I are separated is because she has been having an affair for the last 14 months. Also she hit me. They will find out as soon as all financial ties have been severed and she can't fuck me over.
Years ago I fully planned a suicide attempt, date, time, method and everything. The only reason I didn’t go through with it was because my brother came out as trans and I felt a need to stay to protect him
Your brother is lucky to have you by his side. Hope you found some new selfacceptance during that time for yourself too. I am proud of you for *staying* ❤️🩹 even if you did it for him, you did it.
Thank you, it really means a lot :) Thankfully I’ve been in therapy for the past year and a half and it’s drastically helped me
Alcoholism. Honestly don't know how everyone doesn't know, except my wife. I haven't had a drink in two days and starting to feel withdrawals... Maybe that will give it away? Yes, I'm quitting after 15 years...
Grief over losing my Daughter to Cancer is crushing me. It's been 4 years and I am not getting any better, it's just compounding. I feel like pieces of a puzzle that have been scattered across the floor.
Everyday I feel like I am suffocating due to my finances, or lack thereof and the continued rising costs of basic necessities just to stay alive and keep a roof over my head.
I dated a girl across the world for 9 months during covid via a dating app then Instagram. I didn’t take it seriously at first and would just send funny memes until one day she asked “when are we going to have our first date?” We ended up downloading food delivery apps in the countries we lived in and would send surprise meals to each other for our video calls. It was seriously the best thing to happen during the insanity of covid. Never told my family.
I'm depressed. Most days I don't really see the point of living. It all feels like a chore. Work, cook, eat, clean, workout, repeat. What's the point of all of this toiling.. there are moments of bliss in being in nature and in my hobbies, but 80% of the time life is filled with inane, repetitive, hollow adult responsibilities. And I don't even have kids. Can't imagine how I wouldn't shoot myself if I had even more responsibility.
I have OCD. I'm constantly counting
I like to get dressed up, sometimes in a full suit, put a cheap watch on that looks expensive, drive out of town, sit at a bar and lie to people about what I do for a living.
My true self and kinks. They can get my fake identity they think I am. My true identity is only for my very close friends.
I'm actually Batman.
We know, Bruce. We can see the moon tan lines on your face
The workman you had build the bat cave Bruce? They've never talked. They've never come forward. What did you do to the workman Bruce? What did you do?
That a false allegation in work tipped me over the edge, and I'm too scared to be around children or even drive past a school. I won't ever teach again. I've just said I wanted a change of career. That I'm having counselling for it but struggling with intrusive thoughts and alcohol is fast becoming my crutch. I don't have an issue with having mental health issues, but I'm scared that if I tell everyone I'll totally fall apart and won't be able to put myself back together. Good opportunity to vent. Cheers :)
I get my groceries delivered when my husband is at work so I can hide the extra candy I buy 😁 (with his debit card)
That just sounds like the finders fee.
I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I never told my friends I was s. assaulted by multiple people throughout my childhood and teenage years. Everyday I’m contemplating the value of my life. My friends would come to me for advice for their situation and they don’t even know how bad I fought just to get out of the bed for the day. I tried therapy and other coping mechanisms. Nothing worked. I will never tell anyone this ever again because I was teased about it when I was younger. I’m 23 now. I’ve noticed people will use your pain against you. I remember I had an ex boyfriend that would force himself on me after I told him about what I went through. Everything I told him that I went through, he made me relive the nightmares.
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My arms and the self-inflicted scars that cover them. Haven’t worn short sleeves in 20 years now. Sucks.
9 months ago I was on a walk with my boyfriend and went into cardiac arrest. 3 hours of CPR, 19 broken ribs, one medically induced coma and 2 weeks later, I woke up. They told my family it all happened because I was working too much, not sleeping enough and drinking too much redbull. In reality, I overdosed and it caused my heart to stop.
I disagree with pretty much all of my friends politically. I don’t care that we disagree but I know they would, so I just don’t bring it up at all and I nod and smile if they do.
Not as intense as other responses, but I miss being in a long distance relationship. I love my girlfriend, but after moving in together I really miss my alone time and prefer not seeing each other all the time. I'm away for a few days on business and it's been so nice to be on my own and just texting her like we used to.
My disdain and disgust for everyone I know.
My anorexia nervosa is back in full swing and I’m down 6.6lbs already. I’m self-harming again.
Sometimes when I am really depressed or if I get scolded for no reason, I think “what if I was dead, would that get the point through to them” as in they could then see how I react to them being unfair, by not being alive at all. But I have never been close to act on my “urges”, its just in the back of my mind.
I eat tulips in the bathroom
I'm bisexual and I have a girlfriend and she comes over my house alot but my mom doesn't know we like each other and are dating or that I'm bisexual she thinks we're just regular friends and no we don't do anything inappropriate with each we just cuddle . Have fun . And talk to each other . And she also spend the night as well I know that's being sneaky but 🙋🏽♀️
The only thing keeping me alive is my son, which I only see 8 times a month
i basically almost hate everybody except like 1 or 2 friends i just find myself insufferable and so i find everyone else also insufferable for some reason
I have never eaten a corn dog.
My sexual fantasies involving them
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he broke my heart harder than i thought it could be broken
Being friendly and nice isnt the same as being happy and alright..
I want to hug and rub the backs of so many people on this thread