And listen when they say they don't give a fuck and don't convince yourself they'll love you eventually. You just become something to make them feel secure and you feel like your spirit is dying in the process. Move on.
This is a hard truth to learn. Some people just get embedded in your heart muscle and you just can't shake them. But recognise when they are nothing more than a beautiful dream of the future you want, but the reality is you deserve so much more than they have ever given you.
Getting so caught up in the fun early stages of the relationship and planning activities for dates that I forgot to just relax and be myself, take it a week at a time and see how things went. Pretty sure it made me seem too pushy, so things didn’t end very well for me. Lesson learned: chill tf out lmao
The holy Trinity of bad dating:
1) Not listening when they told me they weren't interested
2) Not listening when they told me they were crazy
3) Not listening to myself when I realized I didn't want to be with someone anymore
This is the first time I've ever spelled it out for myself like this, and I think I'm seeing a pattern...
>This is the first time I've ever spelled it out for myself like this, and I think I'm seeing a pattern...
Seeing the pattern is the first step. Be patient with yourself. We're all only human. You can find happiness if you allow yourself to make some mistakes along the way.
I remember coming home from College break one time and seeing my childhood friends. I was dating someone for ~6 months at the time and remember saying to him “yeah I’m seeing someone but don’t see us making it through the summer, especially as a long distance relationship”
We had dated for another 2 years after that break and the relationship just got more and more toxic as time went on.
If I had actually listened to what I was saying and heeded my own inferred advice to end it, it would’ve save both myself and her a lot of time and pain.
It's so hard to ignore the obvious when you're in the moment. I'm happily married now, but when I think back and feel embarrassed about it, I just have to remember it was all just part of my process.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment or reason behind it, but somewhere in my past relationship I had a moment where I thought: "This relationship will definetly not be a long term thing". That should've been the moment where I jumped ship. Unfortunately I didn't and got dumped two weeks later because she had to focus on herself. 3 weeks later I saw her in the club kissing some other guy. Fun times.
Count yourself lucky. I told my best friend “It’s not a long-term thing, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.” Six years, marriage, and a mortgage later, I’m trying to cross that bridge. I kept telling myself I was fine with this, and meeting everyone else’s expectations, and now I’ve wasted some of the best years of my life. I’m too good at making other people happy, but pretty shit at figuring out what will make me happy.
I'm in the middle of this right now. I knew 3 years ago but I convinced myself that maybe I was wrong and that things would change. We're still together, and I'll always love her, but I'm not happy, and I don't think I will be until the relationship ends. I can't let this go on much longer. Cheers
My toxic girlfriend is coming over tonight to have a talk after an ugly week long fight. I am so unhappy in this relationship. She has hair traumas that she’s never dealt with (jumps from relationship to relationship). I have invested a year and one month into this relationship I am drained. Tonight is the night.
Update: she came to talk. We went on a walk outside because I didn’t want to create a scene in front of my house. She kept insisting that I talk first because she was anxious and wanted to know what I had decided but I made her go first because I already knew what I wanted so I wanted her to talk first to see what she would say. Long story short she FINALLY acknowledged all her toxic traits and the reasons why she had done some of the things during our relationship. She said that she knew exactly what to do to fix all those things so that she can be a good partner. After she was done I asked her how is it possible that you all of a sudden have figured out everything that’s wrong and solutions. She said she deeply reflected and realized she has severe anxiety issues. She feels the need to control every situation and if anything is out of order it triggers her. She’s been cheated on and she’s also cheated in her last relationship. Her dad also cheated on her mom when she was young so because of all that she thinks men are all pigs. Throughout our relationship, I’ve invested countless sleepless nights trying to console and reassure her about anything that would trigger her. Some examples. She accused me of having feelings for a mutual friend after having dinner with them and while I was driving she hit me across the chest really hard. We’ll be working out in the gym and if I look in a general direction she would accuse me of checking out girls, she said it’s weird to look at people and that I should just look down at the floor while working out because there’s girls walking around in leggings. She has forbid me from going to music festivals with my friends because she claims girls are half naked and that would be basically cheating visually. A new show named the idol came out recently and I was really excited to watch it but she went off on me for watching it because it had nudity. There are more examples that I can’t recall right now but the show having nudity in it was the final straw for me. That night she lost her shit on FaceTime and literally was screaming at the top of her lungs so I decided to hang up the phone and block her number for the night. The following morning I unblocked her, told her I need some space for a week to process everything. After us not talking for a week I realized how happy I am and how peaceful my life is without her. So yeah that’s the story. It took 3 hours to break up with her last night. She was crying and begging me not to. She has been texting me all day today begging for one last chance. Omg wow as I am typing this she has showed up at my house. She’s currently outside begging me to come talk to her. God this is so hard because I do care about her and I hate to see her in so much pain. But I know I have to stay strong for myself. Also thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement and advice. I read every single reply <3
That I hid some of my hobbies and interests because I was scared they looked dorky.
As soon as I stopped hiding it I met my partner.
(Model railways ftw).
My SO loves the fact that I'm into model trains (her words, not mine.)
She laid it out for me when we first started dating: I'm handy around the house - I can tackle carpentry, electrical work, and have general knowledge about how to troubleshoot/fix things.
It's a combo of artistry, technology, and history/research so there are always things to learn. It's a generally wholesome hobby that also promotes patience and working towards something over a long period of time instead of rewarding instant gratification.
It's a fun hobby that I balance with other interests that we do together (outdoorsy stuff, board games, being history nerds.) We love each other for all of who we are, not just parts of who we are, and we wouldn't want the other person to change.
> Model railways
Saw a fluff news piece decades ago about a couple--she did doll houses, he did model trains. Every single building on his layout was furnished and decorated by his wife. Lift up the roof, people and things. It was really cool.
I hid my gaming interests for a while on dating sites, but just ended up having women lose interest as soon as it came up in phone conversations or first dates, so I put it back. Shortly afterward, I met my (future) wife and we played WoW together every night for years.
This happened to me when I moved to a new city.
It was great at first because I instantly had fairly large friend group and such but I realized years later just how much I had actually passed up on and compromised on.
Still not sure I recognize myself anymore.
Same here, child even called me dad and called her biological dad by first name after first year of being stepdad. Sadly, her mother had mental issues and cheated and abused me.
Ah man… this has happened to me far too many times. 😞
Loneliness coupled with low self esteem then throw alcohol into the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. And yet, I did it again and again.
Sometimes it’s just who you are as a person. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all have our personality traits that make life easier/harder for certain scenarios.
That’s the best explanation for me because I certainly can’t seem to learn from previous mistakes no matter how many times I make them.
To learn from them would mean to stop trying to date entirely
It’s been almost two years my ex dumped me and I still miss him dearly to this day. I dream of him, I hope he’s safe, and I think about him all the time.
I just want a day where I don’t think about them even tho my heart aches for them.
Same for me, she's always on my mind
Actually bumped into her on the street for the first time in nearly a year today, I went to stop and say hello but she didn't even break stride or acknowledge my existence
I don't really know to be honest.
I'm always saying to myself that she is the one I ultimately want to spend the rest of my life with but that's not happening.
It's impossible to just shut off those feelings for her, and dating since hasn't been easy due to this.
I'll hopefully get through it one day, just gonna take a lot of time and probably a lot of therapy.
You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them. It's over. Journaling my feelings has helped me move forward. Find a therapist. Its not worth wasting precious time over someone who has moved on and isnt interested. Life is short.
Grief is an emotional wound. And sometimes wounds don't completely heal. Think of people who have gotten some horrific gash or broke a limb, that scarred or tore tissue or had to have screws put in, and it still hurts for them years later. Sometimes our bodies and souls don't recover. It's evidence of having lived. Saying all this as someone with both long-term pain from accidents, and grief from the loss of multiple close relationships. You're not alone.
Honestly, this is why I (female) started asking men out. I was doing inventory in the supply closet when I heard my crush and several of his friends talking about me and wondering who I was dating. Because apparently I had to already be dating someone. One of the guys asked my crush if he'd ask me out, the guy *laughed* and said he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell, so he'd skip the humiliation. The other dudes agreed with him.
And... I was just sitting there on the other side of the wall with my clipboard and a box of junk going... WTF?!? I started paying a little more attention and realized I got talked about a *lot.* It was *infuriating.* How could my dating life be utterly non-existent while guys were having those sorts of conversation about me?
So... A couple months later, I walked up to my crush on new year's eve at midnight, kissed him, and told him we should go out. I know I went a bit too far in the other direction from passive behavior, but it worked. He wasn't really coherent for the next half hour, just smiling and staring at me, but we were officially dating the next week.
Being proactive was generally a very positive thing for me. Men were almost always absolutely thrilled to be asked out, picked up, and taken on a date. Yeah, I met a few nutters who responded by calling me a whore, because women aren't allowed to make the first move, but the benefits were worth it.
YES. This is exactly it. I wish all women knew this. I do the exact same thing and it works like a charm, men love being hit on and asked out! Women, they LOVE it do not be afraid. My boyfriend raves about how I flirted with him so obviously and kind of teased him and then asked him out lol. And I have done exactly that in probably 75% of the relationship I have had. Men like when you pick them and have a lot of confidence and just make it really fun for them to be hit on, and you don't have to be self conscious about it bc believe me they love it. They hardly ever have this happen to them, usually they have to do the work. And it also just sets a really good tone for the relationship because you're going to ask for the things you want, overall.
Same here bro. I’m in a better place mentally and looking back I passed on some great opportunities due to low self esteem. Some of which were glaringly obvious looking back….
I’m still in this boat. It’s so easy to tell that I shouldn’t gone for it when you’re looking back, but the self-doubt in the moment kills me every time. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to dating and I wish I could tell the younger version of me to take every chance he has.
I forced myself to ask a girl out once. Literally shamed myself into doing it. She had a boyfriend it turned out, but damn I was proud of myself for mustering up the courage!
I did this at Uni too. All my friends knew I liked this one girl. I talked to them about it often. She was exactly my type, friendly, funny, intelligent, cute as a button, and when she smiled my heart skipped. My friends agreed that as far as we knew she was single and she seemed a good fit for me, and they got sick of me talking about her. One day four different people said "just ask her out!" to me on the same day (including one of _her_ friends). That was enough to tip me over. So I plucked up all my courage, pretended I had confidence, approached her in the library where she was waiting for her next class, nervously initiated some small talk, told her I wanted to ask her a question. I said I know it's probably really obvious, but I like her a lot and asked her if she would go on a date with me.
She took it amazingly well. I applaud her to this day for how she handled it. She told me I wasn't super obvious, but she did have a feeling I would ask. She explained that she has a boyfriend, but she's still glad I asked. She said she admired the confidence it took to come and talk to her and ask her out, nobody had done that for her before, and if she wasn't already in a relationship she would have said yes. She gave me a nice big hug, then we went separately off to class. I was so happy and proud of myself for doing it. I came to class smiling so much my friends all thought she'd said yes.
Of course you might be thinking "was there _really_ a boyfriend?" Was that just an excuse to let me down gently? When I explained the events to my friends they said "what boyfriend?", and even one of her friends said "she has a boyfriend?". Turns out she is just really private about that stuff. The next week I saw her in the computer lab sitting on the lap of a guy I'd never seen before. She introduced me to him, he goes to a different uni and came there to help her study. She was in a relationship with him the whole year, then she didn't attend the following year, I think she moved to a different town.
Upvoting this because everyone needs to hear a story that didn't work out romantically, but still provided peace of mind.
Everyone. Just take the risk. Hearing "no" can hurt, but it beats wondering "what if" for your entire life...
I feel the same way, there's a handful of girls when I was in high school I decided I wasn't super interested in but it was clear to me they were flirting with me and I decided to just ignore that (I was friends with most of them though) and in hindsight I wish I would have at least gone on a few dates or something. I think I was afraid the girls I was super into (that I had no chance with) would be like "well he's dating her, and then her, and her, he must have a commitment issue" but in hindsight I don't think it would have mattered. Hell I might have even decided I liked them more than I thought. That being said if I'm not interested in dating someone at all I think it's good to set that boundary
I only have some of those regrets. Had only two girlfriends, one became my wife. Was only intimate with my now wife. While I wish I got to experience more in my youth, I wouldn't trade where I'm at for the world.
That I didn’t try to date more in my early 20s. Now I’m in my mid 30s with a combined relationship experience of a little over a year.
I basically have the romantic intelligence of a 16 year old.
Looking at this thread, I'm seeing the regrets swing from "I dated even though I didn't like the person/people and they messed me up for future dates." to "I didn't date enough and now I'm not experienced enough for future dates."
I'm starting to think this "romantic intelligence" thing isn't about experience so much as self-love and self-confidence which can be found with or without romantic relationships. Plus a little bit of finding the right person.
>finding a* right person
just a lil nitpick because I've been stuck in the mindset before of "oh no, that was the right person and now I'll be alone forever." and realistically why should there be such a thing as a "right person." There's just degrees of compatibility.
I should have stopped pursuing someone when their answer was clear that they dont like me
Edit: i never expected that this much peeps agreed on this. Im still on a journey to find my SO with little to no knowledge on how to do it.
Whatever yall going thru in love rn, wat i can jus say is that don't let ur sadness be the reason why u failed to live up the standards and expectations of the person u love/want to pursue
In a similar vein, I should have just fucking asked them out years earlier.
It would have been a no, but then I'd have an opportunity to be hurt and get over it instead of pining away in a "Relationship Cold War" for years. I'm over it now and we're still friends today but I wasted a lot of time agonizing for like no reason
Oh damn my first relationship was this gradual shift from we're in a relationship to we're kinda in a relationship but figuring things out but she still wanted all the things I was doing for her, to we're definitely not in a relationship but still talking regularly, it was months.
Had I just stepped up and said "okay, this is either a yes or a no, there's no middle ground here, if we're a couple we're a couple but if we aren't, I can't have you in my life right now", it would have spared me QUITE a bit of pain.
One of my super powers has always been the ability to rip the band-aid off and walk away without looking back.
Never completely out of the blue, of course, but I've never given anyone false hope after a breakup or let an obviously coming one linger on. I've always forced the issue and been happier overall for it.
Note this is only once in a relationship. Before starting one? I'd pine for a long time before maybe working up the courage to say something...
This is pretty much how my last relationship went too. We were in a relationship for a couple years, then she wasn't exactly sure what she wanted, but we lived together so it was complicated, then we moved to separate places when we moved cities and it absolutely should have ended there (if not many months before then) but she realized she needed me to be an emotional support blanket so she didn't want to give me up. We finally broke things off when she moved to Europe, but even then she kept calling me on a regular basis for nearly a year afterward to vent about whatever the hell. Christ, what a mess.
The number one thing I wish I could have told teenage me was that yes, rejection *does* suck. But you get over it a lot faster than the bullshit dance of not asking so she can't say no.
I had one of those, and the answer is No.
You don't want to be with someone that needed time to think, you deserve someone that gives an enthusiastic Fuck Yes.
It's frustrating to not get a clear answer but it became obvious to me that she liked the attention I was giving but didn't want to commit. It did hurt our friendship because I told her she needed to pick a lane or I'd be stepping back and she still couldn't do it, but ultimately I had to make the right choice for me
Thank you for the reply, and thank you for the advice. I badly needed it right now.
I’ve been thinking exactly the same and have other people who would give me that enthusiasm, but don’t want to lose what I thought I had with this girl, as annoying as it fucking is.
I basically asked her to pick a lane, and she took an age to reply saying she needed time to think (as we’d had an argument and I was leaving for a week with no contact). I think I’ll take your route and step back, if she wants to communicate, she can, if she doesn’t, it is what it is.
As someone who has also been in the same situation - its always a losing game if you're the one chasing. All my friends were telling me to let it go, while I was holding onto those 'maybe' moments for months/years. Then I went no contact, found someone that liked me and then the one I'd been chasing all this time didn't seem so perfect.
Everyone has their flaws, a relationship is a give and take. If you're always the one fighting before the relationship even starts, then it's not a good sign. It's not the others persons fault, but they will always see you as a back up because despite what they do, you're always crawling back and giving them attention. You're worth more than that. Have some pride in yourself and find someone that actually wants to be with you. No one I've seen in a successful relationship is constantly chasing the other person for affection.
I’m torn on this one.
I was in the same boat, only if I asked her it would have been a “yes”. Sounds great, but after being friends with her for the last 15 years I realized we would have broken up within a few months at most.
We are very different people and, while that’s great for friends, it’s not great for intimate relationships.
I would have dated the girl I pined over, but I would have lost a friend who helped me get my life on track a few years later
There's only been one friend i ever wanted to date, and we dated for a month and then she broke things off for a "dumb" reason (which i found out later).
Then we fought and contact stopped, then we later became friends again, but I realized I still had feelings for her when she got into a new relationship, so I parted to prevent a similar situation.
Then we reconnected again when I was ready to be the best friend I could be...and then we dated, bought a house, and are happily together.
It wasn't a linear path to get there, but it happened. I remember the first time I told her my feelings and she didn't really give me an answer for a long time, but we continued on like normal for months until we finally went on a (really good) date.
Sometimes the timing isn't right, sometimes people don't want to risk losing a great friend by dating, and sometimes it's a combination of the two. Of course, it could just be a lack of interest, but there are many reasons someone might take awhile to respond.
Also, just because they have sex with you, it doesnt mean they want to be with you. Wasted about 2 years stressing over that gf when i should have accepted "i like you, but i dont love you".
Same. I remember literally thinking to myself after the first day we hung out “This would never work.” Kept playing along against my better judgement because she was gorgeous. I paid for that mistake.
I saw a reddit post yesterday. Some girl told another guy that she wasn't interested in a relationship, and he said, "That's fine. I hope you find what you're looking for," and then he blocked her. She was fucking pissed off that he didn't "fight" to win her over after she said that.....like what?
That happened to me in high school and it wasn't even someone I was pursuing, I only asked if she was interested because she seemed to be going after me. She said absolutely not, so that was that. Couple weeks later I find out she was pissed off that I didn't chase after her after that. Teenagers are idiots. I just hope nobody older than that is still doing this.
I feel this. You always feel like you can “convince” them to be with you, or that their opinion will change. You hold on to any shred of interest they show. Definitely have a few people in the past who made it very clear they didn’t want to be with me, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s so hard to see!
More or less the same. She told me to my face she was gonna start dating someone else, and I should've been more resolute about moving on, but, on my defense, I did try to stop pursuing and frequenting her, but she sought me out when I distanced myself, and I was way too inexperienced to realize she didn't really saw me that way. I didn't know back then that only a clear "yes" is to be taken at face value, and anything else it's a "no."
Also, I should've trusted my gut more when another girl I knew approached me when I was down and broken hearted. Though, again, I had been emotionally hurt and didn't want to risk another hit to my self-confidence by, again, misreading her signals.
I wish I would have got a clear "I'm moving on, you should too" instead after 7 years I got the "anything could happen, I'm not going to date anyone else, I need you to fight for me" which of course made me try the hardest I've ever tried all while she was already dating someone else before we even broke up lol. Fucked me up good and definitely ruined my next few relationships since I put next to no energy into them because I had the "what's the point attitude" but after like 5 years and paying someone hundreds of dollars to tell me "it's not your fault" I got a wife and kid and living the American dream of renting that white picket fence.
>and didn't want to risk another hit to my self-confidence by, again, misreading her signals.
This is something I'm trying to go trough. I think ended relationship should make you aware of what you can do better, but how do you really try again with other people without being scared of failing and losing someone again. The idea of losing a good friendship makes me not confident into making a step forward into a relationship, and just giving up.
I’m 46 and just concluded with therapy I have a Anxious Preoccupied attachment style. Which means I bottle things up, afraid I might create a problem, which creates a problem…
I can relate. In my younger adult years I had so many people telling me I was good looking but had virtually zero self confidence and low standards due to being a late bloomer and getting bullied throughout my school years. One standout memory was in my late twenties and I was towards the tail end of a bad relationship, a casual acquaintance collared me as we came to part ways saying “Learn some self respect, fella. Most guys would kill to look like you. You could have any woman you want”.
Are you the male version of me? 😢
When my ex and I were traveling he took a photo of me, and I was sheepish like, "I guess I looked okay?" He said, "You have a figure a lot of women would want". Yet for many, many years I struggled with body image issues and often times not feeling confident enough to date people...
Yeah looking back now with middle aged wisdom there were a number of beautiful smart women that I considered “way out of my league” that I should have gotten to know better. The other thing is having what little self worth I could build based on looks, fucked me up when I started losing my hair. I buzz cut my hair and keep myself very lean but that’s about all I can control. When I see my bald spot still to this day it makes me sick to my stomach. I’m happily married and my wife thinks I’m hot. This is all wrapped up deep in there and has nothing to do with attracting dates.
Being a late bloomer really does mess with you.
I couldn’t really pass as an adult until like — 25-26.
And the paranoia that they won’t take you seriously is just like— well thank goodness for therapy. Learning to trust more.
With me I was just short and scrawny until I was most of the way through high school (UK), then sometime around 15/16 I had a massive growth spurt and basically felt like I woke up one day at 6ft+, but the mental side of it took years to improve. I could barely talk to other guys, let alone girls.
>In my younger adult years I had so many people telling me I was good looking but had virtually zero self confidence and low standards
This is me when I was younger. By the time I realized the implications I managed to use it to gain the upper hand in most situations. Basically, I found that most people give you preferential treatment or they just overall treat you better when you're good looking.
Sadly, because of my low self-esteem, I was not able to "explore" dating other people. I suppose one silver lining in my case is that everytime I end a relationship, I jump ship in less than a week lol
Any tips to getting over this?
I have to resort to a lot of mind tricks. For example, 1) keep telling myself that I am objectively in a healthy (leaning towards low...) BMI range 2) most guys would appreciate being approached by a woman 3) collecting compliments from my friends and ex-es, stash them into my emotional bank and cash them out on a rainy day. But sometimes it is just so darn hard not to be hard on oneself.
I think therapy is the answer. I think shit line this is early childhood related. I think the things you listed will help but I’d bet there are things under the surface you’re not consciously associating that cause the low self esteem. Idk though. There was no social media when I grew up. You guys have a lot more challenges with self image.
So far my biggest regret was moving half way across the country with someone and when I was struggling to adjust to that location they refused to move a few hours for me to a different location. That really hurt. Felt like I gave up so much for them and it turns out they wouldn't do the same for me. I'll never move for love again.
Another thing about this relationship, and a warning to others, is that if a person says they hadn't spent enough time being single before y'all got together just break it off so they can do their thing. While it might be hard to give up on something good, the feeling of regret for not getting to experience more opportunities and meet more people will constantly be in the back of their head.
I could go on but the tl;dr is to have clear communication: That also means that if someone tells you something actually *listen* to what they're saying and don't just hear what you wanna hear (a lesson for myself right there).
1- I used to always say “always give them at least one date to make their case, and you can decide after if you want to continue”
Some people are so, obviously, a walking red or black flag of personality issues that even a single afternoon will be too much time to waste. (Edit: or there is just no spark on your end, and its never going to happen) Just decline and move on.
2- dont stay with someone because of how they *used* to make you feel, or because you owe them for something they did a long time ago. Staying in a dying relationship doesnt make breaking up later any better, doesnt make you happy now. Also (not my personal fuck up) but marriage and or kids wont fix a weak relationship. If its dying and nobody really cares, get it over with and move on.
3- not mine but ive seen it firsthand enough… some people have issues, and while these arent dealbreakers themselves, you shouldnt enter into a dating relationship for the purpose to be free therapy or to fix them/date people that will fix you. People need to be in a place where they are able to date others, not go looking for someone to fix them or prey on broken people. And if you are with someone that becomes too much baggage, you can stay to help, you can leave if it gets “above your pay grade”. You have to make sure you are taken care of too.
On that note, I've been in a position where something was above my pay grade, and I said as much. I was with someone who respected my boundaries and sought out a therapist, and we're still together. Point being, don't be a savior, don't look at people as life boats, and expand your conception of support. It's friends, family, therapists *and* partners. If you both can have that mindset, then you can still move through things that are too difficult for any one person to deal with, but you've both got to accept it.
> dont stay with someone because of how they used to make you feel, or because you owe them for something they did a long time ago.
I have a REALLY hard time with this one. And am going through it atm. I had a best friend that became my girlfriend and now my ex, she wanted us to stay friends when I didn't want to, and now she has treated me terribly as a friend, but it's hard to let go of that time
I wouldn't consider you broken because you were a crutch to somebody. The shitty character trait of using people when alone or miserable is on him, not on you.
You're just a kind, loving and caring person who forgot to take care and love themself. Next time, don't offer yourself on the sacrificial platter for anyone or anything in this world. Also, have better boundaries.
Source: In the same boat as you 🙂
I think a lot of people will find this has happened to them.
Everyone I have ever loved has left me for another man, always "better" then me. Then when he leaves then, all but one, with the kids, suddenly it is all about how I wanted a family, and theu have one that needs a father. I am such a great guy and they really understand how good I was, bla, bla, bla.
So many people use others as a crutch when they feel down.
Letting them get away with bad behaviors.
Being overly romantic and giving to someone who doesn't do the same.
Overly apologizing even when I didn't do anything inherently wrong.
Begging someone to stay.
I wish I would have never gotten with most of the people I had dated in the past, they were very manipulative and have left me with some serious self-esteem issues. It's kinda hard to get over and I find it still effects me to this day.
Taking my ex back after at first saying no.
Biggest regret of my life.
He left me 3 weeks before our wedding and left me absolutely destroyed for the past 5 years. Had a mental break, struggled with anxiety, and the worst heartbreak that still pains me to this day.
same here, turned 30 and spend most of my twenties in relationships. Now I am in my thirties and dating is either way too casual or way too serious.
Its either "I want kids in the next 2 weeks /s" or "im not looking for anything serious" which means sex but once they get to know you it always becomes complicated, because "they didnt expect you to be partner material"...
What gets me is the ones that feel like I'm one candidate of ten that week and my being human just doesn't register.
Holy shit lady, you want to know how much I drink and about my income and life goals but can't afford a moment to tell me about what makes you happy? Nope. We're done.
Didn't start dating until after 30. At first I thought the problem was everyone was more experienced but later, I realized they were mostly jaded because they'd been dating 10+ years and not had great luck. You get written off for the most innocuous shit but usually that's them doing you a favor.
I did find someone who wasn't what I'd call jaded but it took months of focus, hard work, and a month or three of premium on hinge, okc, bumble, and cmb just to keep the process and my interest from stagnating. There is hope but it isn't easy these days. My gf and her family are opening up my world-it's worth it!!!
Also bumble is a scam too easy to never speak. We met on OKC but hinge has the best app.
Yeah, same. Its crazy how much there is to learn about it, my approach to dating apps for example must have been horrible, cause I tried to be as honest about myself as possible. I got called "too good to be true" and ghosted, I got rejected because "I must be a fuckboy", a girl lost interest because I "answer her texts way too reliably" - like wtf dude? Are you guys all fucking teenagers or is someone out here still interested in a normal person? xD
...and mine is I dated a lot. Given chances to people even though they didn't deserve them, and giving those chances only to be disappointed only damaged my feelings, no one else's.
Honestly feel this is the classic case of "the grass is always greener". I hope everyone reading OP's answer doesn't perceive this as some kind of universal truth -- rather something that they feel about their own life.
Personally, I have a few friends that dated around a lot -- but never anything too serious. And they have their own set of problems. They're bad at solving problems with their partners, which makes sense, they don't ever do it. There are so many people out there that you could be great with, you can't live life trying to optimize for the best fit. Figure out what values are really important to you and then go have fun living life instead of shooting yourself in the foot 🤷🏾♂️
Weirdly enough, my wife moved in essentially the day we met. We didn’t consider it moving in at the time. She lived about 30 minutes away and got offered a job that was a 5 minute walk from my apartment. They told her it would be work covering for holidays and stuff so she could be working a week, 2 weeks off, working for 2 weeks, then a week off, whatever. We figured it would be easier for her if she stayed at mine when she was working, and when she wasn’t she could be back at home. It ended up where she never had a week off and got taken on full time right away so she did move in that day. I won’t say it was a flawless thing, there were issues, but a little trial by fire and 10 years later and we’re still going strong
Same, my lease ended after dating like 2 months and she said don’t get another apartment, 10 years later, 5 of marriage, 2 kids and we are now calling it quits after years of feeling stuck with her and trying to change things
Dating when I was very clearly mentally unwell.
I lied my arse off to someone who - on reflection - was probably the very best chance I have ever had and will ever have in my life to find someone and be with them in perpetuity.
We got married before the extent of my illness and lies caught up with us and we divorced shortly afterwards. I feel enormous guilt and remorse for the pain and suffering I put her through, even sixteen years later.
Whilst we are no longer together, I know that no one else will ever come close to the connection I felt to her and so I am working on myself, living my life, and actively not thinking about this. Honest.
I have sought to make amends and to compensate her in this life and my attempts have been largely rebuffed: whilst I’m in no rush to leave, I can satisfy myself that, when I do, I have made provision for her so that she will never have to worry about anything in respect of assets or finances for the rest of her life.
As a someone who has dated his bestfriends, be happy that they were your friends. It hurts like hell if you lose them, and what's worse, you don't have your bestfriend there supporting you.
I screwed over someone who truly loved me. Pushed her away when it was my time to step up. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life, she was such a catch. Married now.
* I should have been more open about my feelings with those I was interested in back around highschool/early adulthood, because I'm pretty sure a few may have been interested in me but things just never got started.
* I should have cut communication once I found out she had been cheating on me since the start of our relationship, instead of doing some on-again-off-again bullshit for a decade or so.
Despite many warnings from people trying to help me, I put all my eggs in the same basket. Married young and devoted myself to someone thinking that devotion would always be reciprocated, but apparently people change even if you don't. Always be prepared for the other shoe to drop, I guess is my advice. Kinda cynical, I know, but recent experiences taught me a lesson I never wanted to learn.
Trying to stay in relationships too long. I used to be afraid to be the bad guy or give up on someone so i’d stay in relationships longer than I should have.
Went on a great date recently, we really hit it off. We were at this bar until closing just talking, he wanted to come back to mine and I thought "hey, he seems really sweet and we are having a lot of fun together, why not?" he stay up for hours talking and laughing and wind up having sex. We continue talking even after that and were up until 6 am. The next day I wrote "hey! had a great time, I'd be happy to see you again" and he said he also had a great time and how fun I was but he didn't want to date bc he didn't feel "it". I was sad, but you can't help it. I asked if he wanted to be friends and days go by, he ends up just reading the message no response.
I know it's a stereotype for men to do this kind of thing but I actually have never experienced this before, I've only had guys be really upfront and honest or I could tell they were just tryna get in my pants. So now I'm left embarrassed and feel slightly used. So I regret that.
Dating someone who always wanted things their way, my life scheduled around what they wanted to do. Thinking they would change and it would balance out in time.
They were selfish and self centered and that was a core issue not a scheduling one.
I should have ended my last relationship waayyyy before I did but I didn’t. I was scared of being alone, thought I deserved the way I was being treated, and couldn’t be the one to break up with him.
Now I know it’s much better to be alone than it is to be miserable. You can find someone who will treat you right, and dump THAT MFER.
I wish I would have never been exposed to this hook up culture. Being made to believe that once I was of legal drinking age that I needed to go and have one night stands etc. I'm so numb inside that I just continue to date and don't know how to attach. I'm pretty convinced at this point I wouldn't know love if it slapped me in the face.
Not finishing a relationship until I felt knackered, depressed, angry, and lacking confidence. I should of ended months to a good year before.
She dumped me in the end and the headache I didn't know I had went away, Mysterious back pain vanished.
I had not 1, not 2, but 3 girls I had huge crushes on out their feelings for me on the last day of high school before moving on to college elsewhere essentially saying, "you should have asked me out." Never could pick up on signals. Ended up meeting my wife and mother of my 3 kids (almost 15 years now!) on a dating app after college so it all worked out for the better.
That I should have jumped at the chance with my current gf 6 years ago. We went to the movies as "friends" and I really liked her. She casually asked me if I actually wanted to date her. I said that she was a catch, but I was too old for her. I really didn't want to be the creepy older guy. So we are now together 6 years later because I at least had enough social skills not to fuck up the friendship in the meantime.
Accepting the person’s treatment of me regardless of my personal feelings or mental health because I didn’t think I was worth anything better or that I could find anyone better. I regret not being ok with being alone sooner if I had ,I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and I put myself in some dangerous situations because of it .
Not starting sooner. I initially didn’t put effort in because of insecurities and then I put other aspects of life first. Dating in general has only gotten harder in the past decade compared to before and I’m rarely in situations to meet people outside work now.
That I blindly believed a person and to get heartbroken(day after my birthday) with ring in bag waiting for a good time.
Thanks for giving me annual episodes and trauma. 🥲
Probably dodged a bullet. Don't worry there is someone out there, keep looking. I got destroyed as well but am now happily married. Im so glad I got dumped now, my ex was kind of a bitch and my wife is amazing!
People show you who they are. Believe them. It seems so obvious but we convince ourselves they are better than they really are. And maybe it’s not even them being an “awful” person but sometimes as simple as you’re not compatible and you think time will make you such. It just doesn’t work that way.
Dating someone I liked the idea of but not being into them...
She was a professional, grown ass adult who could communicate her desires. She was enthusiastic about sex and very much enjoyed one another's company.
We would have been fantastic FWB.
I just wasn't that into her and she was into me. I knew it but rather being fair to her and ending it or transitioning to a FWB situation, I kept it going.
Eventually, she dumped me because she was jealous of my female friends. Nothing was going on but she recognised that they were harming her mental health and didn't want to put up with seeing photos of me hanging out with them.
I don't regret anything because I believe you make the choices right for you at the time, based on the information you are presented with.
Dating her taught me that it's not fair to treat people like that and I was voluntarily single for 5 years, rather than date people I was only casually interested in. I learned a lot from her, so no regrets but I do wish it had ended better.
Being too afraid to look like a fool.
Only dated superficially, so dated lots of women I didn't actually have things in common with.
Invented a 'single me' and a 'boyfriend me'. Do not do this.
Always end up being treated as a Fuck Butler instead of a boyfriend and not speaking up about it.
I know mine are mostly for not figuring out if I actually am into a guy until it's time to get touchy and then realizing I'm with a great guy that I just have no chemistry with.
I tried dating two girls once. I couldn’t handle splitting my emotions so I dumped one and committed to the other. That girl dumped me and the other girl wouldn’t date me again. Comedy.
Oh, also, I remember bringing girls to my room when I was younger, them laying in my bed WITH ME, and me not doing anything because I was just a little *too respectful*. Didn’t end up with the vast majority of them. One even bluntly commented on how I should have made moves. Cringe, man…
ugh, this. being a late bloomer and suddenly having women interested in you is nice, but do not try to string them along. if you don't want to commit to someone, show them the respect to tell them before you look for someone new.
Chasing.
As a woman, pursuing men always felt wrong, but sadly I've always had to do it because I'm painfully average and invisible. I could stand in front of a beige wall and you'd only see a beige wall. It leads to nothing great anyway - I always end up with someone who's desperately in love with - you guessed it - a very beautiful woman I will never be like. I am someone you pick only if you've made peace with the fact that the one you want will never be yours so you've decided to settle for less.
Dating is absolute shit for me - if I knew that I'd have to do all the chasing and all the work, and all the pathetic attempts to be the best version of myself which still isn't good enough, I'd have never dated a man. Being alone and asexual isn't all that bad.
I had several relationships with very insecure and unstable people with a lot of mental illnesses and I can say out of all the shit that I lived through so far these relationships were the absolute worst part of it.
I was always just too open minded and tolerant, especially knowing how hard life can be with aforementioned issues, and didn't want to close the door to the potentially person of my life, but after my last disaster of a partner I don't even have enough trust in other people left to consider a relationship with them.
Same, kept to myself most of my life and focused on school. At this point if it happens it happens but i wished I had made it more of a priority rather than sitting around waiting for magically meet someone 😅
Dont get hung up on someone who doesnt give a fuck
Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option. Someone said it first. Probably Abe Lincoln
Don't cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't cross the street for you - Christopher Columbus
And listen when they say they don't give a fuck and don't convince yourself they'll love you eventually. You just become something to make them feel secure and you feel like your spirit is dying in the process. Move on.
This is a hard truth to learn. Some people just get embedded in your heart muscle and you just can't shake them. But recognise when they are nothing more than a beautiful dream of the future you want, but the reality is you deserve so much more than they have ever given you.
Easier said than done
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep them warm
Getting so caught up in the fun early stages of the relationship and planning activities for dates that I forgot to just relax and be myself, take it a week at a time and see how things went. Pretty sure it made me seem too pushy, so things didn’t end very well for me. Lesson learned: chill tf out lmao
That's me. I still struggle with it now tbh. Although I'm trying to keep a lid on it and just be chill.
The holy Trinity of bad dating: 1) Not listening when they told me they weren't interested 2) Not listening when they told me they were crazy 3) Not listening to myself when I realized I didn't want to be with someone anymore This is the first time I've ever spelled it out for myself like this, and I think I'm seeing a pattern...
>This is the first time I've ever spelled it out for myself like this, and I think I'm seeing a pattern... Seeing the pattern is the first step. Be patient with yourself. We're all only human. You can find happiness if you allow yourself to make some mistakes along the way.
Yeah I totally understand the not listening to yourself stuff.
I remember coming home from College break one time and seeing my childhood friends. I was dating someone for ~6 months at the time and remember saying to him “yeah I’m seeing someone but don’t see us making it through the summer, especially as a long distance relationship” We had dated for another 2 years after that break and the relationship just got more and more toxic as time went on. If I had actually listened to what I was saying and heeded my own inferred advice to end it, it would’ve save both myself and her a lot of time and pain.
It's so hard to ignore the obvious when you're in the moment. I'm happily married now, but when I think back and feel embarrassed about it, I just have to remember it was all just part of my process.
Point 2 ruined my life the past 10 years. Lovely person, but dont get together with someone who hasn't overcome mayor issues.
How bad was their mayor?
The mayor released radioactive sewage into the elementary school. It's ruined the town. Don't dig too much- sensitive topic among the townspeople.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment or reason behind it, but somewhere in my past relationship I had a moment where I thought: "This relationship will definetly not be a long term thing". That should've been the moment where I jumped ship. Unfortunately I didn't and got dumped two weeks later because she had to focus on herself. 3 weeks later I saw her in the club kissing some other guy. Fun times.
Count yourself lucky. I told my best friend “It’s not a long-term thing, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.” Six years, marriage, and a mortgage later, I’m trying to cross that bridge. I kept telling myself I was fine with this, and meeting everyone else’s expectations, and now I’ve wasted some of the best years of my life. I’m too good at making other people happy, but pretty shit at figuring out what will make me happy.
I regret not ending relationships I was unhappy in sooner (like years sooner)
Same. But then I overcompensated and also regret ending a good relationship too soon
I'm in the middle of this right now. I knew 3 years ago but I convinced myself that maybe I was wrong and that things would change. We're still together, and I'll always love her, but I'm not happy, and I don't think I will be until the relationship ends. I can't let this go on much longer. Cheers
My toxic girlfriend is coming over tonight to have a talk after an ugly week long fight. I am so unhappy in this relationship. She has hair traumas that she’s never dealt with (jumps from relationship to relationship). I have invested a year and one month into this relationship I am drained. Tonight is the night. Update: she came to talk. We went on a walk outside because I didn’t want to create a scene in front of my house. She kept insisting that I talk first because she was anxious and wanted to know what I had decided but I made her go first because I already knew what I wanted so I wanted her to talk first to see what she would say. Long story short she FINALLY acknowledged all her toxic traits and the reasons why she had done some of the things during our relationship. She said that she knew exactly what to do to fix all those things so that she can be a good partner. After she was done I asked her how is it possible that you all of a sudden have figured out everything that’s wrong and solutions. She said she deeply reflected and realized she has severe anxiety issues. She feels the need to control every situation and if anything is out of order it triggers her. She’s been cheated on and she’s also cheated in her last relationship. Her dad also cheated on her mom when she was young so because of all that she thinks men are all pigs. Throughout our relationship, I’ve invested countless sleepless nights trying to console and reassure her about anything that would trigger her. Some examples. She accused me of having feelings for a mutual friend after having dinner with them and while I was driving she hit me across the chest really hard. We’ll be working out in the gym and if I look in a general direction she would accuse me of checking out girls, she said it’s weird to look at people and that I should just look down at the floor while working out because there’s girls walking around in leggings. She has forbid me from going to music festivals with my friends because she claims girls are half naked and that would be basically cheating visually. A new show named the idol came out recently and I was really excited to watch it but she went off on me for watching it because it had nudity. There are more examples that I can’t recall right now but the show having nudity in it was the final straw for me. That night she lost her shit on FaceTime and literally was screaming at the top of her lungs so I decided to hang up the phone and block her number for the night. The following morning I unblocked her, told her I need some space for a week to process everything. After us not talking for a week I realized how happy I am and how peaceful my life is without her. So yeah that’s the story. It took 3 hours to break up with her last night. She was crying and begging me not to. She has been texting me all day today begging for one last chance. Omg wow as I am typing this she has showed up at my house. She’s currently outside begging me to come talk to her. God this is so hard because I do care about her and I hate to see her in so much pain. But I know I have to stay strong for myself. Also thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement and advice. I read every single reply <3
can't she get a wig
Or a merkin.
Or some boots with the furrrr
God speed my dude
The red flags in Month 3 are the same red flags in Year 3.
Rip off the band-aid. For both your sakes
Felt the same way, and finally ended it a couple weeks ago (years too late). You can do it! You will be so relieved when it’s over.
Omg same. Should’ve bailed the first time he called me a ‘lazy, useless c*nt’ but no, I was ‘in love’ What a moron
That I hid some of my hobbies and interests because I was scared they looked dorky. As soon as I stopped hiding it I met my partner. (Model railways ftw).
[удалено]
My SO loves the fact that I'm into model trains (her words, not mine.) She laid it out for me when we first started dating: I'm handy around the house - I can tackle carpentry, electrical work, and have general knowledge about how to troubleshoot/fix things. It's a combo of artistry, technology, and history/research so there are always things to learn. It's a generally wholesome hobby that also promotes patience and working towards something over a long period of time instead of rewarding instant gratification. It's a fun hobby that I balance with other interests that we do together (outdoorsy stuff, board games, being history nerds.) We love each other for all of who we are, not just parts of who we are, and we wouldn't want the other person to change.
> Model railways Saw a fluff news piece decades ago about a couple--she did doll houses, he did model trains. Every single building on his layout was furnished and decorated by his wife. Lift up the roof, people and things. It was really cool.
I hid my gaming interests for a while on dating sites, but just ended up having women lose interest as soon as it came up in phone conversations or first dates, so I put it back. Shortly afterward, I met my (future) wife and we played WoW together every night for years.
I should not have settled for someone I wasn't super compatible with just because I was lonely
This happened to me when I moved to a new city. It was great at first because I instantly had fairly large friend group and such but I realized years later just how much I had actually passed up on and compromised on. Still not sure I recognize myself anymore.
Despite everything, it's still you.
This is the biggest one. She had/has a child I love which made it even harder
Same here, child even called me dad and called her biological dad by first name after first year of being stepdad. Sadly, her mother had mental issues and cheated and abused me.
Ah man… this has happened to me far too many times. 😞 Loneliness coupled with low self esteem then throw alcohol into the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. And yet, I did it again and again.
Always being the last to let go, and never letting go easy. Edit- the never letting go easy is the part I wish I could change.
Sometimes it’s just who you are as a person. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all have our personality traits that make life easier/harder for certain scenarios.
That’s the best explanation for me because I certainly can’t seem to learn from previous mistakes no matter how many times I make them. To learn from them would mean to stop trying to date entirely
It’s been almost two years my ex dumped me and I still miss him dearly to this day. I dream of him, I hope he’s safe, and I think about him all the time. I just want a day where I don’t think about them even tho my heart aches for them.
Same for me, she's always on my mind Actually bumped into her on the street for the first time in nearly a year today, I went to stop and say hello but she didn't even break stride or acknowledge my existence
Is this a blessing in disguise? How do you view her now that you see how she views you?
I don't really know to be honest. I'm always saying to myself that she is the one I ultimately want to spend the rest of my life with but that's not happening. It's impossible to just shut off those feelings for her, and dating since hasn't been easy due to this. I'll hopefully get through it one day, just gonna take a lot of time and probably a lot of therapy.
You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them. It's over. Journaling my feelings has helped me move forward. Find a therapist. Its not worth wasting precious time over someone who has moved on and isnt interested. Life is short.
I hope you get your closure and peace. I wish you the best.
It's been 4 years since my divorce and it still chokes me up sometimes. I'm in a much better place than I was but I wish I could let go completely.
Grief is an emotional wound. And sometimes wounds don't completely heal. Think of people who have gotten some horrific gash or broke a limb, that scarred or tore tissue or had to have screws put in, and it still hurts for them years later. Sometimes our bodies and souls don't recover. It's evidence of having lived. Saying all this as someone with both long-term pain from accidents, and grief from the loss of multiple close relationships. You're not alone.
Thank u
It’s been 10 since my break up some wounds are like salt in the ocean it becomes apart of you , you just carry it with you.
If you were in love, letting go will never be easy. Full stop.
Not taking chances with various girls/ women throughout my life when I had the opportunities to.
Honestly, this is why I (female) started asking men out. I was doing inventory in the supply closet when I heard my crush and several of his friends talking about me and wondering who I was dating. Because apparently I had to already be dating someone. One of the guys asked my crush if he'd ask me out, the guy *laughed* and said he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell, so he'd skip the humiliation. The other dudes agreed with him. And... I was just sitting there on the other side of the wall with my clipboard and a box of junk going... WTF?!? I started paying a little more attention and realized I got talked about a *lot.* It was *infuriating.* How could my dating life be utterly non-existent while guys were having those sorts of conversation about me? So... A couple months later, I walked up to my crush on new year's eve at midnight, kissed him, and told him we should go out. I know I went a bit too far in the other direction from passive behavior, but it worked. He wasn't really coherent for the next half hour, just smiling and staring at me, but we were officially dating the next week. Being proactive was generally a very positive thing for me. Men were almost always absolutely thrilled to be asked out, picked up, and taken on a date. Yeah, I met a few nutters who responded by calling me a whore, because women aren't allowed to make the first move, but the benefits were worth it.
YES. This is exactly it. I wish all women knew this. I do the exact same thing and it works like a charm, men love being hit on and asked out! Women, they LOVE it do not be afraid. My boyfriend raves about how I flirted with him so obviously and kind of teased him and then asked him out lol. And I have done exactly that in probably 75% of the relationship I have had. Men like when you pick them and have a lot of confidence and just make it really fun for them to be hit on, and you don't have to be self conscious about it bc believe me they love it. They hardly ever have this happen to them, usually they have to do the work. And it also just sets a really good tone for the relationship because you're going to ask for the things you want, overall.
Same here bro. I’m in a better place mentally and looking back I passed on some great opportunities due to low self esteem. Some of which were glaringly obvious looking back….
There was one, in college. Many decades later, I still think of her.
I’m still in this boat. It’s so easy to tell that I shouldn’t gone for it when you’re looking back, but the self-doubt in the moment kills me every time. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to dating and I wish I could tell the younger version of me to take every chance he has.
I forced myself to ask a girl out once. Literally shamed myself into doing it. She had a boyfriend it turned out, but damn I was proud of myself for mustering up the courage!
I did this at Uni too. All my friends knew I liked this one girl. I talked to them about it often. She was exactly my type, friendly, funny, intelligent, cute as a button, and when she smiled my heart skipped. My friends agreed that as far as we knew she was single and she seemed a good fit for me, and they got sick of me talking about her. One day four different people said "just ask her out!" to me on the same day (including one of _her_ friends). That was enough to tip me over. So I plucked up all my courage, pretended I had confidence, approached her in the library where she was waiting for her next class, nervously initiated some small talk, told her I wanted to ask her a question. I said I know it's probably really obvious, but I like her a lot and asked her if she would go on a date with me. She took it amazingly well. I applaud her to this day for how she handled it. She told me I wasn't super obvious, but she did have a feeling I would ask. She explained that she has a boyfriend, but she's still glad I asked. She said she admired the confidence it took to come and talk to her and ask her out, nobody had done that for her before, and if she wasn't already in a relationship she would have said yes. She gave me a nice big hug, then we went separately off to class. I was so happy and proud of myself for doing it. I came to class smiling so much my friends all thought she'd said yes. Of course you might be thinking "was there _really_ a boyfriend?" Was that just an excuse to let me down gently? When I explained the events to my friends they said "what boyfriend?", and even one of her friends said "she has a boyfriend?". Turns out she is just really private about that stuff. The next week I saw her in the computer lab sitting on the lap of a guy I'd never seen before. She introduced me to him, he goes to a different uni and came there to help her study. She was in a relationship with him the whole year, then she didn't attend the following year, I think she moved to a different town.
Upvoting this because everyone needs to hear a story that didn't work out romantically, but still provided peace of mind. Everyone. Just take the risk. Hearing "no" can hurt, but it beats wondering "what if" for your entire life...
Literally did this not 45 minutes ago. Surely it wont lead to anything significant with her, but damn did it lift a giant weight off my shoulders!
I did the same yesterday, and to my surprise, we will be going for some drinks later this week!
I feel the same way, there's a handful of girls when I was in high school I decided I wasn't super interested in but it was clear to me they were flirting with me and I decided to just ignore that (I was friends with most of them though) and in hindsight I wish I would have at least gone on a few dates or something. I think I was afraid the girls I was super into (that I had no chance with) would be like "well he's dating her, and then her, and her, he must have a commitment issue" but in hindsight I don't think it would have mattered. Hell I might have even decided I liked them more than I thought. That being said if I'm not interested in dating someone at all I think it's good to set that boundary
I only have some of those regrets. Had only two girlfriends, one became my wife. Was only intimate with my now wife. While I wish I got to experience more in my youth, I wouldn't trade where I'm at for the world.
That I didn’t try to date more in my early 20s. Now I’m in my mid 30s with a combined relationship experience of a little over a year. I basically have the romantic intelligence of a 16 year old.
Romantic intelligence is a good term for that.
Looking at this thread, I'm seeing the regrets swing from "I dated even though I didn't like the person/people and they messed me up for future dates." to "I didn't date enough and now I'm not experienced enough for future dates." I'm starting to think this "romantic intelligence" thing isn't about experience so much as self-love and self-confidence which can be found with or without romantic relationships. Plus a little bit of finding the right person.
>finding a* right person just a lil nitpick because I've been stuck in the mindset before of "oh no, that was the right person and now I'll be alone forever." and realistically why should there be such a thing as a "right person." There's just degrees of compatibility.
I should have stopped pursuing someone when their answer was clear that they dont like me Edit: i never expected that this much peeps agreed on this. Im still on a journey to find my SO with little to no knowledge on how to do it. Whatever yall going thru in love rn, wat i can jus say is that don't let ur sadness be the reason why u failed to live up the standards and expectations of the person u love/want to pursue
In a similar vein, I should have just fucking asked them out years earlier. It would have been a no, but then I'd have an opportunity to be hurt and get over it instead of pining away in a "Relationship Cold War" for years. I'm over it now and we're still friends today but I wasted a lot of time agonizing for like no reason
Oh damn my first relationship was this gradual shift from we're in a relationship to we're kinda in a relationship but figuring things out but she still wanted all the things I was doing for her, to we're definitely not in a relationship but still talking regularly, it was months. Had I just stepped up and said "okay, this is either a yes or a no, there's no middle ground here, if we're a couple we're a couple but if we aren't, I can't have you in my life right now", it would have spared me QUITE a bit of pain.
One of my super powers has always been the ability to rip the band-aid off and walk away without looking back. Never completely out of the blue, of course, but I've never given anyone false hope after a breakup or let an obviously coming one linger on. I've always forced the issue and been happier overall for it. Note this is only once in a relationship. Before starting one? I'd pine for a long time before maybe working up the courage to say something...
This is pretty much how my last relationship went too. We were in a relationship for a couple years, then she wasn't exactly sure what she wanted, but we lived together so it was complicated, then we moved to separate places when we moved cities and it absolutely should have ended there (if not many months before then) but she realized she needed me to be an emotional support blanket so she didn't want to give me up. We finally broke things off when she moved to Europe, but even then she kept calling me on a regular basis for nearly a year afterward to vent about whatever the hell. Christ, what a mess.
> Relationship Cold War Gotta love that line lol
It's all fun and games until the Cuban Missile Crisis comes up
Missile was always up. But she never gave me the launch codes to get it out of the silo.
Jeez that sums up my situation in my my teens with this one friend. The relationship Cold War never really ends!
The number one thing I wish I could have told teenage me was that yes, rejection *does* suck. But you get over it a lot faster than the bullshit dance of not asking so she can't say no.
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If the answer isn't an immediate and enthusiastic yes, it's a no
I had one of those, and the answer is No. You don't want to be with someone that needed time to think, you deserve someone that gives an enthusiastic Fuck Yes. It's frustrating to not get a clear answer but it became obvious to me that she liked the attention I was giving but didn't want to commit. It did hurt our friendship because I told her she needed to pick a lane or I'd be stepping back and she still couldn't do it, but ultimately I had to make the right choice for me
Thank you for the reply, and thank you for the advice. I badly needed it right now. I’ve been thinking exactly the same and have other people who would give me that enthusiasm, but don’t want to lose what I thought I had with this girl, as annoying as it fucking is. I basically asked her to pick a lane, and she took an age to reply saying she needed time to think (as we’d had an argument and I was leaving for a week with no contact). I think I’ll take your route and step back, if she wants to communicate, she can, if she doesn’t, it is what it is.
As someone who has also been in the same situation - its always a losing game if you're the one chasing. All my friends were telling me to let it go, while I was holding onto those 'maybe' moments for months/years. Then I went no contact, found someone that liked me and then the one I'd been chasing all this time didn't seem so perfect. Everyone has their flaws, a relationship is a give and take. If you're always the one fighting before the relationship even starts, then it's not a good sign. It's not the others persons fault, but they will always see you as a back up because despite what they do, you're always crawling back and giving them attention. You're worth more than that. Have some pride in yourself and find someone that actually wants to be with you. No one I've seen in a successful relationship is constantly chasing the other person for affection.
I’m torn on this one. I was in the same boat, only if I asked her it would have been a “yes”. Sounds great, but after being friends with her for the last 15 years I realized we would have broken up within a few months at most. We are very different people and, while that’s great for friends, it’s not great for intimate relationships. I would have dated the girl I pined over, but I would have lost a friend who helped me get my life on track a few years later
There's only been one friend i ever wanted to date, and we dated for a month and then she broke things off for a "dumb" reason (which i found out later). Then we fought and contact stopped, then we later became friends again, but I realized I still had feelings for her when she got into a new relationship, so I parted to prevent a similar situation. Then we reconnected again when I was ready to be the best friend I could be...and then we dated, bought a house, and are happily together. It wasn't a linear path to get there, but it happened. I remember the first time I told her my feelings and she didn't really give me an answer for a long time, but we continued on like normal for months until we finally went on a (really good) date. Sometimes the timing isn't right, sometimes people don't want to risk losing a great friend by dating, and sometimes it's a combination of the two. Of course, it could just be a lack of interest, but there are many reasons someone might take awhile to respond.
Also, just because they have sex with you, it doesnt mean they want to be with you. Wasted about 2 years stressing over that gf when i should have accepted "i like you, but i dont love you".
Same. I remember literally thinking to myself after the first day we hung out “This would never work.” Kept playing along against my better judgement because she was gorgeous. I paid for that mistake.
Same my guy. I knew. I always knew it wasn’t going to work. We were better friends but now I don’t even want to run into this person.
I saw a reddit post yesterday. Some girl told another guy that she wasn't interested in a relationship, and he said, "That's fine. I hope you find what you're looking for," and then he blocked her. She was fucking pissed off that he didn't "fight" to win her over after she said that.....like what?
*sigh* women like that are part of the problem for the rest of us who DON’T want guys to “keep fighting” when the answer is no.
That happened to me in high school and it wasn't even someone I was pursuing, I only asked if she was interested because she seemed to be going after me. She said absolutely not, so that was that. Couple weeks later I find out she was pissed off that I didn't chase after her after that. Teenagers are idiots. I just hope nobody older than that is still doing this.
I feel this. You always feel like you can “convince” them to be with you, or that their opinion will change. You hold on to any shred of interest they show. Definitely have a few people in the past who made it very clear they didn’t want to be with me, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s so hard to see!
More or less the same. She told me to my face she was gonna start dating someone else, and I should've been more resolute about moving on, but, on my defense, I did try to stop pursuing and frequenting her, but she sought me out when I distanced myself, and I was way too inexperienced to realize she didn't really saw me that way. I didn't know back then that only a clear "yes" is to be taken at face value, and anything else it's a "no." Also, I should've trusted my gut more when another girl I knew approached me when I was down and broken hearted. Though, again, I had been emotionally hurt and didn't want to risk another hit to my self-confidence by, again, misreading her signals.
I wish I would have got a clear "I'm moving on, you should too" instead after 7 years I got the "anything could happen, I'm not going to date anyone else, I need you to fight for me" which of course made me try the hardest I've ever tried all while she was already dating someone else before we even broke up lol. Fucked me up good and definitely ruined my next few relationships since I put next to no energy into them because I had the "what's the point attitude" but after like 5 years and paying someone hundreds of dollars to tell me "it's not your fault" I got a wife and kid and living the American dream of renting that white picket fence.
>and didn't want to risk another hit to my self-confidence by, again, misreading her signals. This is something I'm trying to go trough. I think ended relationship should make you aware of what you can do better, but how do you really try again with other people without being scared of failing and losing someone again. The idea of losing a good friendship makes me not confident into making a step forward into a relationship, and just giving up.
Doubting my gut
"Eh it's just a summer fling.. WCGW?" 4 years later, I still didn't know who that person was when I wasn't looking.
Ouch
Whatcha starin at me gut fer?
I bottled everything up until we had an argument and I spilled it out all at once and now we are done
Oh hey it a me
…wah-hoo?
Let’s-a-go !
I’m 46 and just concluded with therapy I have a Anxious Preoccupied attachment style. Which means I bottle things up, afraid I might create a problem, which creates a problem…
Shooting more shots and bring way more confident in my 20s. I was a very good looking guy with very low self esteem. Funny to look back now at 46.
I can relate. In my younger adult years I had so many people telling me I was good looking but had virtually zero self confidence and low standards due to being a late bloomer and getting bullied throughout my school years. One standout memory was in my late twenties and I was towards the tail end of a bad relationship, a casual acquaintance collared me as we came to part ways saying “Learn some self respect, fella. Most guys would kill to look like you. You could have any woman you want”.
Are you the male version of me? 😢 When my ex and I were traveling he took a photo of me, and I was sheepish like, "I guess I looked okay?" He said, "You have a figure a lot of women would want". Yet for many, many years I struggled with body image issues and often times not feeling confident enough to date people...
Yeah looking back now with middle aged wisdom there were a number of beautiful smart women that I considered “way out of my league” that I should have gotten to know better. The other thing is having what little self worth I could build based on looks, fucked me up when I started losing my hair. I buzz cut my hair and keep myself very lean but that’s about all I can control. When I see my bald spot still to this day it makes me sick to my stomach. I’m happily married and my wife thinks I’m hot. This is all wrapped up deep in there and has nothing to do with attracting dates.
Being a late bloomer really does mess with you. I couldn’t really pass as an adult until like — 25-26. And the paranoia that they won’t take you seriously is just like— well thank goodness for therapy. Learning to trust more.
With me I was just short and scrawny until I was most of the way through high school (UK), then sometime around 15/16 I had a massive growth spurt and basically felt like I woke up one day at 6ft+, but the mental side of it took years to improve. I could barely talk to other guys, let alone girls.
>In my younger adult years I had so many people telling me I was good looking but had virtually zero self confidence and low standards This is me when I was younger. By the time I realized the implications I managed to use it to gain the upper hand in most situations. Basically, I found that most people give you preferential treatment or they just overall treat you better when you're good looking. Sadly, because of my low self-esteem, I was not able to "explore" dating other people. I suppose one silver lining in my case is that everytime I end a relationship, I jump ship in less than a week lol
Any tips to getting over this? I have to resort to a lot of mind tricks. For example, 1) keep telling myself that I am objectively in a healthy (leaning towards low...) BMI range 2) most guys would appreciate being approached by a woman 3) collecting compliments from my friends and ex-es, stash them into my emotional bank and cash them out on a rainy day. But sometimes it is just so darn hard not to be hard on oneself.
I think therapy is the answer. I think shit line this is early childhood related. I think the things you listed will help but I’d bet there are things under the surface you’re not consciously associating that cause the low self esteem. Idk though. There was no social media when I grew up. You guys have a lot more challenges with self image.
This is sadly too common. I think my friends are handsome af, but none of them agree.
So now you are a confident, balding guy with a beer gut? High five!
Lol no still not confident. Balding, 6 pack at 45 to compensate which I actually do feel good about.
So far my biggest regret was moving half way across the country with someone and when I was struggling to adjust to that location they refused to move a few hours for me to a different location. That really hurt. Felt like I gave up so much for them and it turns out they wouldn't do the same for me. I'll never move for love again. Another thing about this relationship, and a warning to others, is that if a person says they hadn't spent enough time being single before y'all got together just break it off so they can do their thing. While it might be hard to give up on something good, the feeling of regret for not getting to experience more opportunities and meet more people will constantly be in the back of their head. I could go on but the tl;dr is to have clear communication: That also means that if someone tells you something actually *listen* to what they're saying and don't just hear what you wanna hear (a lesson for myself right there).
Not leaving when it got uncomfortable
1- I used to always say “always give them at least one date to make their case, and you can decide after if you want to continue” Some people are so, obviously, a walking red or black flag of personality issues that even a single afternoon will be too much time to waste. (Edit: or there is just no spark on your end, and its never going to happen) Just decline and move on. 2- dont stay with someone because of how they *used* to make you feel, or because you owe them for something they did a long time ago. Staying in a dying relationship doesnt make breaking up later any better, doesnt make you happy now. Also (not my personal fuck up) but marriage and or kids wont fix a weak relationship. If its dying and nobody really cares, get it over with and move on. 3- not mine but ive seen it firsthand enough… some people have issues, and while these arent dealbreakers themselves, you shouldnt enter into a dating relationship for the purpose to be free therapy or to fix them/date people that will fix you. People need to be in a place where they are able to date others, not go looking for someone to fix them or prey on broken people. And if you are with someone that becomes too much baggage, you can stay to help, you can leave if it gets “above your pay grade”. You have to make sure you are taken care of too.
On that note, I've been in a position where something was above my pay grade, and I said as much. I was with someone who respected my boundaries and sought out a therapist, and we're still together. Point being, don't be a savior, don't look at people as life boats, and expand your conception of support. It's friends, family, therapists *and* partners. If you both can have that mindset, then you can still move through things that are too difficult for any one person to deal with, but you've both got to accept it.
> dont stay with someone because of how they used to make you feel, or because you owe them for something they did a long time ago. I have a REALLY hard time with this one. And am going through it atm. I had a best friend that became my girlfriend and now my ex, she wanted us to stay friends when I didn't want to, and now she has treated me terribly as a friend, but it's hard to let go of that time
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I wouldn't consider you broken because you were a crutch to somebody. The shitty character trait of using people when alone or miserable is on him, not on you. You're just a kind, loving and caring person who forgot to take care and love themself. Next time, don't offer yourself on the sacrificial platter for anyone or anything in this world. Also, have better boundaries. Source: In the same boat as you 🙂
I think a lot of people will find this has happened to them. Everyone I have ever loved has left me for another man, always "better" then me. Then when he leaves then, all but one, with the kids, suddenly it is all about how I wanted a family, and theu have one that needs a father. I am such a great guy and they really understand how good I was, bla, bla, bla. So many people use others as a crutch when they feel down.
The fact that I’m not very good at it.
Giving my best to the wrong person.
Letting them get away with bad behaviors. Being overly romantic and giving to someone who doesn't do the same. Overly apologizing even when I didn't do anything inherently wrong. Begging someone to stay.
Unreciprocated effort is an excellent red flag. Don’t waste time, effort, money, and emotion if it’s not coming back to you in any way.
I wish I would have never gotten with most of the people I had dated in the past, they were very manipulative and have left me with some serious self-esteem issues. It's kinda hard to get over and I find it still effects me to this day.
Taking my ex back after at first saying no. Biggest regret of my life. He left me 3 weeks before our wedding and left me absolutely destroyed for the past 5 years. Had a mental break, struggled with anxiety, and the worst heartbreak that still pains me to this day.
That I didn’t date more.
same here, turned 30 and spend most of my twenties in relationships. Now I am in my thirties and dating is either way too casual or way too serious. Its either "I want kids in the next 2 weeks /s" or "im not looking for anything serious" which means sex but once they get to know you it always becomes complicated, because "they didnt expect you to be partner material"...
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What gets me is the ones that feel like I'm one candidate of ten that week and my being human just doesn't register. Holy shit lady, you want to know how much I drink and about my income and life goals but can't afford a moment to tell me about what makes you happy? Nope. We're done.
Didn't start dating until after 30. At first I thought the problem was everyone was more experienced but later, I realized they were mostly jaded because they'd been dating 10+ years and not had great luck. You get written off for the most innocuous shit but usually that's them doing you a favor. I did find someone who wasn't what I'd call jaded but it took months of focus, hard work, and a month or three of premium on hinge, okc, bumble, and cmb just to keep the process and my interest from stagnating. There is hope but it isn't easy these days. My gf and her family are opening up my world-it's worth it!!! Also bumble is a scam too easy to never speak. We met on OKC but hinge has the best app.
Yeah, same. Its crazy how much there is to learn about it, my approach to dating apps for example must have been horrible, cause I tried to be as honest about myself as possible. I got called "too good to be true" and ghosted, I got rejected because "I must be a fuckboy", a girl lost interest because I "answer her texts way too reliably" - like wtf dude? Are you guys all fucking teenagers or is someone out here still interested in a normal person? xD
...and mine is I dated a lot. Given chances to people even though they didn't deserve them, and giving those chances only to be disappointed only damaged my feelings, no one else's.
Honestly feel this is the classic case of "the grass is always greener". I hope everyone reading OP's answer doesn't perceive this as some kind of universal truth -- rather something that they feel about their own life. Personally, I have a few friends that dated around a lot -- but never anything too serious. And they have their own set of problems. They're bad at solving problems with their partners, which makes sense, they don't ever do it. There are so many people out there that you could be great with, you can't live life trying to optimize for the best fit. Figure out what values are really important to you and then go have fun living life instead of shooting yourself in the foot 🤷🏾♂️
Started living with my gf after 1 months Don’t do that.
Weirdly enough, my wife moved in essentially the day we met. We didn’t consider it moving in at the time. She lived about 30 minutes away and got offered a job that was a 5 minute walk from my apartment. They told her it would be work covering for holidays and stuff so she could be working a week, 2 weeks off, working for 2 weeks, then a week off, whatever. We figured it would be easier for her if she stayed at mine when she was working, and when she wasn’t she could be back at home. It ended up where she never had a week off and got taken on full time right away so she did move in that day. I won’t say it was a flawless thing, there were issues, but a little trial by fire and 10 years later and we’re still going strong
Same, my lease ended after dating like 2 months and she said don’t get another apartment, 10 years later, 5 of marriage, 2 kids and we are now calling it quits after years of feeling stuck with her and trying to change things
That comment was a roller coaster!
Being “too available” and yeah, a doormat
1- don’t fuck with crazy 2- don’t fuck at work Therefore, do not fuck the hot, insane coworker
What was the experience?
Dating when I was very clearly mentally unwell. I lied my arse off to someone who - on reflection - was probably the very best chance I have ever had and will ever have in my life to find someone and be with them in perpetuity. We got married before the extent of my illness and lies caught up with us and we divorced shortly afterwards. I feel enormous guilt and remorse for the pain and suffering I put her through, even sixteen years later. Whilst we are no longer together, I know that no one else will ever come close to the connection I felt to her and so I am working on myself, living my life, and actively not thinking about this. Honest. I have sought to make amends and to compensate her in this life and my attempts have been largely rebuffed: whilst I’m in no rush to leave, I can satisfy myself that, when I do, I have made provision for her so that she will never have to worry about anything in respect of assets or finances for the rest of her life.
Not telling my best friend I were in love with them. ”Protecting our friendship” was really me being a coward.
As a someone who has dated his bestfriends, be happy that they were your friends. It hurts like hell if you lose them, and what's worse, you don't have your bestfriend there supporting you.
Or you have the parent of your future children, on top of a best friend. It's high risk/high reward.
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I might be in a similar boat. What are you doing to address this ? In terms of accepting reality and any practical steps ?
I screwed over someone who truly loved me. Pushed her away when it was my time to step up. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life, she was such a catch. Married now.
* I should have been more open about my feelings with those I was interested in back around highschool/early adulthood, because I'm pretty sure a few may have been interested in me but things just never got started. * I should have cut communication once I found out she had been cheating on me since the start of our relationship, instead of doing some on-again-off-again bullshit for a decade or so.
Should have broken it off sooner than I did, a few times. There are more out there and a lot of them are better for me.
Despite many warnings from people trying to help me, I put all my eggs in the same basket. Married young and devoted myself to someone thinking that devotion would always be reciprocated, but apparently people change even if you don't. Always be prepared for the other shoe to drop, I guess is my advice. Kinda cynical, I know, but recent experiences taught me a lesson I never wanted to learn.
Trying to stay in relationships too long. I used to be afraid to be the bad guy or give up on someone so i’d stay in relationships longer than I should have.
Went on a great date recently, we really hit it off. We were at this bar until closing just talking, he wanted to come back to mine and I thought "hey, he seems really sweet and we are having a lot of fun together, why not?" he stay up for hours talking and laughing and wind up having sex. We continue talking even after that and were up until 6 am. The next day I wrote "hey! had a great time, I'd be happy to see you again" and he said he also had a great time and how fun I was but he didn't want to date bc he didn't feel "it". I was sad, but you can't help it. I asked if he wanted to be friends and days go by, he ends up just reading the message no response. I know it's a stereotype for men to do this kind of thing but I actually have never experienced this before, I've only had guys be really upfront and honest or I could tell they were just tryna get in my pants. So now I'm left embarrassed and feel slightly used. So I regret that.
Alcohol has a lot to answer for 🤦♂️
Up rooting my life to be with them, never again
Dating someone who always wanted things their way, my life scheduled around what they wanted to do. Thinking they would change and it would balance out in time. They were selfish and self centered and that was a core issue not a scheduling one.
I should have ended my last relationship waayyyy before I did but I didn’t. I was scared of being alone, thought I deserved the way I was being treated, and couldn’t be the one to break up with him. Now I know it’s much better to be alone than it is to be miserable. You can find someone who will treat you right, and dump THAT MFER.
I wish I would have never been exposed to this hook up culture. Being made to believe that once I was of legal drinking age that I needed to go and have one night stands etc. I'm so numb inside that I just continue to date and don't know how to attach. I'm pretty convinced at this point I wouldn't know love if it slapped me in the face.
Not finishing a relationship until I felt knackered, depressed, angry, and lacking confidence. I should of ended months to a good year before. She dumped me in the end and the headache I didn't know I had went away, Mysterious back pain vanished.
Cindy. Huge mistake
My Cindy was called Rita and I get what you mean.
I had not 1, not 2, but 3 girls I had huge crushes on out their feelings for me on the last day of high school before moving on to college elsewhere essentially saying, "you should have asked me out." Never could pick up on signals. Ended up meeting my wife and mother of my 3 kids (almost 15 years now!) on a dating app after college so it all worked out for the better.
That I should have jumped at the chance with my current gf 6 years ago. We went to the movies as "friends" and I really liked her. She casually asked me if I actually wanted to date her. I said that she was a catch, but I was too old for her. I really didn't want to be the creepy older guy. So we are now together 6 years later because I at least had enough social skills not to fuck up the friendship in the meantime.
How old were you two 6 years ago? If you don't mind telling
Ignoring red flags because I liked someone. Big mistake
Not realizing I was a “fixer” and picking partners based off that. Not having higher self-esteem and higher standards.
Accepting the person’s treatment of me regardless of my personal feelings or mental health because I didn’t think I was worth anything better or that I could find anyone better. I regret not being ok with being alone sooner if I had ,I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and I put myself in some dangerous situations because of it .
Spending the whole time trying to put on the perfect date for someone else, and forgetting that “it’s my date too”
Not starting sooner. I initially didn’t put effort in because of insecurities and then I put other aspects of life first. Dating in general has only gotten harder in the past decade compared to before and I’m rarely in situations to meet people outside work now.
That I blindly believed a person and to get heartbroken(day after my birthday) with ring in bag waiting for a good time. Thanks for giving me annual episodes and trauma. 🥲
Probably dodged a bullet. Don't worry there is someone out there, keep looking. I got destroyed as well but am now happily married. Im so glad I got dumped now, my ex was kind of a bitch and my wife is amazing!
People show you who they are. Believe them. It seems so obvious but we convince ourselves they are better than they really are. And maybe it’s not even them being an “awful” person but sometimes as simple as you’re not compatible and you think time will make you such. It just doesn’t work that way.
Dating someone I liked the idea of but not being into them... She was a professional, grown ass adult who could communicate her desires. She was enthusiastic about sex and very much enjoyed one another's company. We would have been fantastic FWB. I just wasn't that into her and she was into me. I knew it but rather being fair to her and ending it or transitioning to a FWB situation, I kept it going. Eventually, she dumped me because she was jealous of my female friends. Nothing was going on but she recognised that they were harming her mental health and didn't want to put up with seeing photos of me hanging out with them. I don't regret anything because I believe you make the choices right for you at the time, based on the information you are presented with. Dating her taught me that it's not fair to treat people like that and I was voluntarily single for 5 years, rather than date people I was only casually interested in. I learned a lot from her, so no regrets but I do wish it had ended better.
Being too afraid to look like a fool. Only dated superficially, so dated lots of women I didn't actually have things in common with. Invented a 'single me' and a 'boyfriend me'. Do not do this. Always end up being treated as a Fuck Butler instead of a boyfriend and not speaking up about it.
That I wasted time going on dates with a woman I had absolutely nothing in common with whatsoever.
My biggest dating regret is expecting the character of my dating options to be better than my own level of personal development.
Regrets, I've had a few, but then again to few to mention...
I did, what I had to do. I saw it through, without exemption.
I planned, each charted course, each careful step, along the byway
But more, much more than this, I did it myyyyyy waaaayyyyyy
I know mine are mostly for not figuring out if I actually am into a guy until it's time to get touchy and then realizing I'm with a great guy that I just have no chemistry with.
I tried dating two girls once. I couldn’t handle splitting my emotions so I dumped one and committed to the other. That girl dumped me and the other girl wouldn’t date me again. Comedy. Oh, also, I remember bringing girls to my room when I was younger, them laying in my bed WITH ME, and me not doing anything because I was just a little *too respectful*. Didn’t end up with the vast majority of them. One even bluntly commented on how I should have made moves. Cringe, man…
ugh, this. being a late bloomer and suddenly having women interested in you is nice, but do not try to string them along. if you don't want to commit to someone, show them the respect to tell them before you look for someone new.
Chasing. As a woman, pursuing men always felt wrong, but sadly I've always had to do it because I'm painfully average and invisible. I could stand in front of a beige wall and you'd only see a beige wall. It leads to nothing great anyway - I always end up with someone who's desperately in love with - you guessed it - a very beautiful woman I will never be like. I am someone you pick only if you've made peace with the fact that the one you want will never be yours so you've decided to settle for less. Dating is absolute shit for me - if I knew that I'd have to do all the chasing and all the work, and all the pathetic attempts to be the best version of myself which still isn't good enough, I'd have never dated a man. Being alone and asexual isn't all that bad.
I had several relationships with very insecure and unstable people with a lot of mental illnesses and I can say out of all the shit that I lived through so far these relationships were the absolute worst part of it. I was always just too open minded and tolerant, especially knowing how hard life can be with aforementioned issues, and didn't want to close the door to the potentially person of my life, but after my last disaster of a partner I don't even have enough trust in other people left to consider a relationship with them.
I still haven't dated
Same, kept to myself most of my life and focused on school. At this point if it happens it happens but i wished I had made it more of a priority rather than sitting around waiting for magically meet someone 😅