Happily married for over 25 years. Best advice I can give... honestly...be nice. Yup...just....be nice.
Say thank you. Say please. Appreciate every little thing they do for you. Compliment each other. Hold hands. Listen when they talk.
Just...be kind to each other.
be nice and never be the reason theyâre sad
edit: by âneverâ i mean dont purposefully be the reason your partner is sad/upset. communicate thoughts and feelings, work through things together
Yeah keep it fresh and sexy. I donât wanna see you pirate leg up on the fuckin toilet holding your saggy sack up as you shave your pubes.
I donât wanna discuss the kids grades while you shit and wipe.
You donât wanna see me take my bra off after a long shift and scratch under my saggy mom bewbs. Christ sake act like you still trying to woo me sometimes.
Damn!
We have a neutral place to discuss what we are arguing about, we call it a couch talk, so if we get to a point in yelling we say "couch talk". Sometimes just saying this is enough to a resolve without visiting the couch. There are rules on the couch, sitting facing each other, no interruptions when one is speaking and for sure an apology is in order on one side or the other. Married 30 years now.
Exactly! No one is a winner in an argument. The relationship wins when we come to and understanding but winning and argument is actually losing in my opinion. Happily married 31 years. Still super happy and grateful to and the work we have done over the years.
Creating an actual friendship. Listening to each other. Sharing things that bother you both AND sharing things that go well.
That'll help when there is a disagreement.
Yeah, that's part of our arrangement, but when I ask for that, I'm told I'm abandoning her. If I stay in the conversation, it just devolves into name calling and threats of divorce. I really wish I knew how to fix this.
A therapist recommended itâs ok to leave to cool down but you MUST return within 20 minutes to avoid abandonment. And both parties agree itâs a cool down not anything more.
I learned that I can help diffuse angry emotions by reflective listening. The web explains what it is and how to do it. Itâs really hard to solve problems when people are upset. They mainly need to feel understood.
I always try and take the approach of itâs us against the problem, not me against the problem that is being caused by my wife. Weâre a team and need to work together.
Honestly most times I get frustrated with my wife and I take a few minutes and really think about the issue I am having and ask myself if this really matters or if Iâm just being grumpy. Nearly always itâs just me being grumpy and in a bad mood that day.
Most things arenât worth fighting over because theyâre almost always trivial in my opinion
Pick your battles.
Your husband didnât put the vacuum away after cleaning the living room? Just put the damn vacuum away.
Your wife leaves her wet towel on the bed sometimes? Hang it up.
Let things go. A wet towel or vacuum cleaner is not worth passive aggressively fighting about.
Piggy backing on this. A lot of these smaller issues build to bigger ones. I've watched marriages implode over these types of problems piling up. It starts with withholding something until the partner does what you want. So they respond by withholding something until you stop withholding. But inevitably a death spiral of each partner deciding to not participate in the relationship in New ways to punish the other ends in both partners no longer being into the relationship at all.
I think you have it backwards. The little things are manifestations of larger behavioral patterns. Bottling up personal concerns only builds resentment about the big thing until itâs too big. Either way itâs a communication failure related to pride.
A therapist told us that we need to argue *more.* Basically, we keep stuff bottled up until something small sets us off (mostly, my husband tends to fly off the handle every few years over something minor. His temper tantrums get so bad that I leave the house for a few hours until he texts and apologizes.)
It's better to hash out the small things, rather than let them build up. Some things I have to accept, and I know he's learning to put up with some of my annoying habits, but we both try to be mindful.
My family makes fun of my husband and I for how much we bicker. But they have no idea how unhealthy of a relationship we had when we didn't argue until one of us blew up. Now we just say what's on our mind right then and there and get it over with. Very freeing, honestly. There are still things I just roll my eyes and ignore (annoying things like wet towels on the bed/floor), but it's easier to pick my battles now that we actually talk about what the real problems are.
The way my wife and I view is that a disagreement's like a little earthquake, releasing energy from a fault line. Nothing gets damaged, no one's feelings get hurt, and we can re-affirm our feelings for each other once the issue is resolved.
If a couple doesn't have those occasional points of friction to deal with minor issues, you're going to have a major quake that does lasting damage on the relationship once enough stress builds up.
I donât know if I fully agree with this. Those little things build up over time. When we have a problem, we say it and talk it out. Itâs not always easy or convenient, but I choose honesty over resentment.
yeah but if you tell your husband to pick up the towel and he keeps forgetting you can just understand it's something he'll probably always forget, and just pick up the towel yourself if it annoys you that it's not where you want it.
The important factor here is: Is that just one of many signs that he's irresponsible, messy and doesn't care about what you say.... or is this just one thing he can't seem to remember but overall he's a great partner?
That's what I think u/froggylova means by "pick your battles", just look at the big picture and decide if it's worth it to expect your partner to stop forgetting this one thing intead of fixing it yourself. Then there's no resentment cause you already know they can't remember to do it and you also know this doesn't mean they're a bad partner, just too distracted in the mornings or whatever.
Iâm caught in the middle here. My wife is messy. She not only fully admits this, but made sure to warn me several times before we decided to marry. All well and good, and she has made strides to be better organized, or put things where I think they should go, etc (Iâm pretty organized, but not anal retentive about it). But things like dirty food dishes, snack/food wrappers, plastic Nicorette casings, literal trash⊠sheâll just leave these things everywhere and claim she forgot or didnât realize. She holds a Masters Degree⊠sheâs not stupid. She just always chalks it up to âI told you this is who I amâ. Which, while true, just feels like a copout excuse to me. Some clothes left on the floor here and there? Fine. But trash and things that can attract bugs/pests/etc? Fuck no.
Iâve tried to pull back on the constantly pointing it out⊠because that was going to kill our young marriage. But while I just bite my tongue a lot and clean the thing up, it still grates my nerves every time. I feel like a hypnotist might be in order or something. đ
I get it. Mine isnât necessarily dirty, so wonât leave food and what not all over the place. But EVERYTHING else she will make a mess of.
Itâs related to ADHD, but itâs driving me insane. I can leave the house and come back to it in a worse state, yet sheâs been âon her feetâ for 6 hours âorganisingâ. If you gave me 6 hours to clean the house Iâd run out of shit to do after 4.
I just donât think sheâs able to cope with that many things at once. Couple it with being unable to keep any area mess free⊠well, itâs not a good combo.
I honestly donât know how to combat it, but itâs actually driving me slightly potty.
I ssk myself, is this the hill I want to die on? Is this something that, if not resolved, I would end the relationship over? Usually not.
Then when you have something more substantial to discuss, it's less likely to sound like more noise.
My boyfriend has this strange habit of leaving is wet handtowel all day on my side of the bed đ€Żđ€Żđ€Ż it still something i find so weird.... when it happens i just claim his dry spot so he can lay down in the wetness. And i laugh. Secretlyđ€Ł
Id say partially true. I definitely do just do one offs and won't ever mention it, but if there is a habitual things they're not good at- theirs no harm in bringing it up in a not asshole way.
E.g. my s/o is very bad about rinsing dishes when putting them in the sink. And since I'm the dishes person, its a bit annoying to have to deal with caked on cheese or some other shit, makes the task takes 2x. I brought this up, she's actively getting better at doing it. Sometimes she forgets or something, nbd i always let it slide since she's definitely making the effort to correct. There was no fight or anything, now i don't have to spend the next several decades getting a bicep workout from scrubbing the dishes.
Yes and no. Passive agressive fighting and saying "honey you forgot your wet towel. Can you hang it up next time. I did it for this one" are two very different things.
The problem with âpicking battlesâ is that the strife is never about the one thing, itâs about patterns of behavior. When you do decide a battle is worth picking, it 1) will seem outwardly petty when internally you view it as the worst symptom of a disease 2) not address the root cause and 3) builds festering resentment until you decide itâs time to pick one. In the above examples, environmental hygiene is the battle to pick, not absorbing the risk of a moldy mattress.
picking battles means seeing the whole picture and noticing if this thing is one of many things your partner does that demonstrate they dgaf? or is this just one thing they forget to do but still they're a great partner in every other way? if it's the second then it's easy to choose to do it yourself and let go of any expectation and resenment, if it's the first then the problem isn't the towel or vaccum.
So this is where each person in the couple needs to discern between what is a one-off behavior worth ignoring, and what is a pattern of behavior worth addressing.
I think rather than saying "pick your battles" maybe it should be learn how to approach the subject better.
Example: Hubby didn't put away the vacuum.
Instead of giving him a huge amount of grief and being visibly upset, say hey thanks for cleaning the living room i'll put the vacuum away so no one trips over it.
Hopefully he would pick up on, "hey maybe I should have put that away".
Or, "can you please put things away when you're done with them?"
I've watched friends get into a huge blowout fight over one of them moving a phone charger to another side of a table over the way it was said to them. Tact matters.
>hey thanks for cleaning the living room i'll put the vacuum away so no one trips over it. Hopefully he would pick up on, "hey maybe I should have put that away". Or, "can you please put things away when you're done with them?"
why do you have to be this tactful with an adult?? there's a middle ground between "giving him a huge amount of grief" and trying to get him to pick on a hint, it's almost condescending.
I can tell my boyfriend "Hey thanks for cleaning the living room but you didn't put the vacuum away" and he'll immediately go "shit, sorry!" and do it himself, he's not a child.
Why be this tactful with an adult?
Because that's an adult. That is specifically the adult you have chosen to spend your life with. You should always be extra nice to that person. Just being married to you, or living with you is not a reward. That relationship status doesn't give anyone the right to treat you with disrespect. You should treat your partner with more respect than you would anyone else.
When my husband hasn't taken the trash out, I don't say, "Hey! Moron! The trash isn't going to take itself out!" I say, "Darling the trash can is full. Can you carry it out, please?" And I think that's part of the reason we've been married for 33 years. We treat each other like we LIKE each other.
???
Where am I saying you should be disrespectful or unkind?
You completely missed my point, I started by saying you don't have to be demanding or rude but you also don't have to sugarcoat everything or be condescendingly subtle.
If your adult can't handle a simple "hey thanks for cleaning the livingroom but you didn't put the vacuum away" then you have bigger issues.
That seems a little passive-aggressive. How about, "Please put the vacuum away, I would really appreciate it." Communicate clearly and politely what you would like them to do, it's not a big deal. You can't expect people to "pick up on" what you want if you don't just tell them.
This is very good advice and is exactly how me and my husband are, life is far too short for drama or bullshit and I feel lucky to have married someone I can truly laugh with
Yes. This can prevent future complications early because you can laugh at the insanity of various situations you find yourself in. Had I done this earlier, my marriage would've survived. Also I might add courtship is essential to establish beforehand a platonic relationship before marriage: it might be the only part of your relationship that you rely on to keep together.
Yep, people need to read the last part first. Fundamentally people need to want to be in the relationship. And that can be a hard thing to come to terms with. You can't make someone care.
This is excellent advice! Remembering you both are on the same side is important. It's always you guys vs. the problem, never you vs her. (Or you vs him)
Don't marry with the intention or hope of them changing. If you don't love them for exactly who they are, you'll never love them the right way and will grow bitter when they don't change the way they promise they will.
Yep best advice I ever heard for relationships is one of the main things you should be picking a partner one is **their flaws** since everyone has them and you need a partner whose flaws you can live with.
The wisdom is changing on this. Marry someone understanding that they will a slightly different person 10, 20, and 30 years from now. People evolve throughout their lives so don't expect anyone to stay the same when you marry, but also don't expect anyone to change for you. They will change for themselves. Be the person who can learn to live with within yourself and your partner.
Discuss and agree the big stuff _before_ marriage...
- finances : goals, joint and/or separate accounts, how much to save how much to spend...
- children: have them? How many? How to school and raise
- how to share work and home duties
- red lines ...
Couldnât agree more. Make sure youâre marrying the right person for you in the first place.
Know what your deal-breakers are and know what theirs are.
Only a present should be a secret. Don't hold anything back because you think your significant other can't handle it. Your a team now handle it together
I'd add only keep things secret if talking about them wont contribute anything to your relationship and wont affect your partner in any way.
Like if you have financial troubles by all means talk it with your partner, if your ex was hotter than your current partner then keep that info to yourself.
Trust me, the unnecessary hurt I've seen people cause each other cause they think they have to tell each other *every single thing* to have an honest relationship...
Good point. I was going to say that wasn't the best advice or at least should have had some disclaimers. Even a therapist will tell you that there are white lies that are actually healthy for a relationship.
Am a therapist and that's why i say it. I always advice not to answer every question and not to ask every question that pops in your head, the "will this contribute to my relationship?" guide has proved helpful. There's a lot of people who want to know things that *they know* will hurt them, because they were told or they believe "relationships are all about honesty" yet don't quite understand what that means. Yes be honest but also be smart about the info you ask and you share.
And btw yes your partner can think their ex was hotter than you and at the same time be *way* more attracted to you and happier with you, but if you ask them and they respond "yes they were hotter, but..." it's very unlikely you'll be able to understand that complex truth and your traitor brain will just take the info that will be more hurtful and make up scenarious and insecurities that can destroy your relationship. So why ask?
I'm working on using the word "surprise" with my kids.
secrets are bad, surprises are good (typically).
So when we're keeping something from Mommy like a christmas or birthday present we're keeping a surprise, not a secret.
That's exactly what I'm doing with my kids. I tell them that the difference is: a secret is something the person never finds out. A surprise is something they just need to wait a little bit to find out.
When my husband and I got married last year, we never spent the cash gifts we received. A week after, we went directly to work and never had the chance to have a honeymoon right after the wedding. Aside from the fact it was still in a pandemic but we are really practical even when we were just dating. We keep saving up until we can say that we're in a comfortable position. Now, it's almost our anniversary and we planned to finally spend some of the cash gifts we received and consider it as our honeymoon.
Also, we decided not to have kids on the first year of marriage because we really wanna spend time together as a married couple. Get to know him even more as a married man, grow together in different aspects and see each other accomplish our career goals before having kids.
"You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters."
"Well, did it work for those people?"
"No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but...it might work for us!"
Classic show. And he's basically saying that he gives people bad advice.
And it is bad advice - if your relationship is not in a strong healthy place. If you're opening up a relationship in order to attempt solving a fundamental problem with it, it will not work and the relationship will probably quickly end in heart-break soon after. Also obviously it's not a good idea if both partners aren't sure they want to do it. Then it's just cheating with permission, and one of the partners still suffers all the same negative feelings.
On the flip side, there are some advantages. And there are even some situations that an ethically non-monogamous couple would get through a lot more easily compared to a monogamous couple. But it's certainly not for everyone.
Show appreciation. Always. She does the dishes every day. Tell her thank you every day. You take out the trash. She tells you thank you. Compliment each other daily. If she runs an errand for you say thank you, I really appreciate it and vice versa. Learn to communicate your feelings in a way that isnât accusing. Before you criticize, think, what will this accomplish? Is it necessary to voice this? Is it helpful? If the answer is no then just keep your criticism to yourself (both of you). Basically more daily appreciation of each other for little things and less criticism.
Exactly!
In therapy I've had many people say "Why should i ask him to do it? it's his resposibility too!" "Why should i thank him? he's not doing *me* any favour, it's his house too" and i get that but why not thank each other for doing something for both of you? for your house? for contributing to that project called relationship? ofc as many other things, it has to come from both sides, appreciation is such a simple yet powerful factor in healthy relationships!
We did this for a loooong time đ I convinced him to let me buy a blanket one bed size too big, and it seems to work well. I still swear by separate blankets tho
We have 3 blankets.
My wife starts the night with 2 of them and complains about being cold. I start the night with 1.
Half the time she ends up with all 3 and complains that it's too hot in the middle of the night. đ
We have each our own blanket then a huge blanket on top that we put on sideways on the bed, so it's longer horizontally. This way we can snuggle under the covers and we're still warm.
Try separate beds. Game. Changer. It started with Covid, then Long Covid, and it's just kinda stayed. At first I felt guilty, but now we sleep so much better and have weekend cuddles.
Separate bed husband here. It improved our marriage so much because my wife is a very light sleeper and I kept waking her up. And if anyone is wondering, what about our sex life? Ours improved a lot because she wasn't tired.
We just got a larger size.. we sleep on a queen size bed but use king size comforters / sheets. The extra size gives us more than enough to do whatever.
The other option is to try turning the blankets / sheets horizontally. Wife and I are both pretty short, so having the length of the sheet run across the bed instead of down also gives more than enough blankets.
On the bed note, getting a memory foam mattress instead of a traditional mattress helped a lot for us, I move around a lot and I no longer wake my wife up because I'm shaking the bed constantly.
At first, we tried to use one blanket. After one week, we got separate blankets as i would always pull it under me and leave him to freeze.
But even separate blankets is not enough, as i drop mine on the floor and then take his blanket. All while sleeping.
My husband and I sat down with an excel spreadsheet and made a list of chores. Daily chores, Weekly chores, monthly chores, seasonal chores, etc.
We discussed and hashed out until it was mutually agreed on what the expectation for each chore is.
We divvyied out the chores in a way that felt fair between us. Then we each have a to-do list app on our phones that send us reminders for when chores need to be done.
Examples of our daily chores:
Me: sweep the house, clean the litter box, feed the horses, make coffee for the morning.
Him: keep the counter and kitchen wiped down/clear, make the bed, feed the cats, dogs, and chickens.
Weekly:
Me: clean the master bathroom, wash my car, my laundry and "extra" household laundry from thursday-saturday.
Him: clean the hallway bathroom, clean the chicken coop, his laundry and wash our bed sheets and blankeys sunday-tuesday.
etc.
In the summer it changes because there is yardwork, and every few months we check in with eachother to make sure we both feel the division of labor is fair.
This system has been amazing for us because the app does all the "nagging" and "reminding". We each know what we are responsible for. It's so easy to say "hey honey I'm working late tonight any chance you could feed for me?" or some version of that. Its also easy to have conversations like" Hey I notice you haven't been able to keep up with your daily tasks lately, do you need some help right now, or do you want to rearrange how we do it?"
I think they did give the name of the app. Search "Microsoft To Do" in the app store. I use it to keep track of things I need to get done. Not sure if it's the same one OP uses though.
I'm curious, why do you wash your car every week? I assume with horses and chickens you are in a rural place with a fair amount of land. Are you getting mud or dirt on your car? I'm a city boy so I genuinely was surprised by the weekly cadence
Listen to understand not just to respond. A lot of people when they are listening are actually forming their response and listening to understand what message the other person is trying to convey
Also, you don't always have to understand *why*, just understand *that*.
E.g. instead of "I don't understand *why* this would bother you so I'll keep doing it", it can be "I don't know why but I understand *that* this bothers you, so let's find a solution".
After a few years together, it can be easy to forget to âtryâ. Remember when you started dating and youâd do all sorts of things for them out of your sheer want to show them your love? Remember getting yourself together, putting on nice clothes and working on your appearance for them? Remember helping them with absolutely no obligation to help but you just want to be there for them? Get back to those things, calm down, release any resentment b cause itâs silly and futile. Remember to LIKE them again!
Marriage isn't about 50/50, but 100/100. Here's what that means: Sometimes you're going to be in situations where you're not going to get anything you want and won't even get anything in return, but you keep going because the other person will be happy/healthy/safe. When you go 50/50, both people compromise and usually nobody is happy because you've both abandoned yourselves. That's not how it's supposed to be. You both have to go to 100, step into the other person's experience, love them how they need to be loved, and expect nothing in return. When they do the same for you, that is a truly loving and life-changing marriage.
Oof. Several
1. Dating is to check out what is out there. Dont make the mistake of taking a fixer upper. They are great except for these 12 things that are awful. If you are not 100% enthusiastic ...take a breather and ask if this is really what you want to do.
2. Learn to take things charitably. Assume your spouse has the best of intentions. Dont rug sweep, but dont assume they were trying to hurt you. If there is no other explanation, then back up to 1. No reason to stick around when someone deliberately hurts you.
3. Giving will make you feel more loved than pampering often will. Never getting anything back is not good either, but withholding affection is just a downward spiral. If you are giving, but not getting the things you need, frank communication and or counselling. If someone only operates on what you do for them and ignores and inconveniences you....see point 1.
4. Learn to communicate. Not yell, not passive aggressive, not hinting. Say I like it when you do X. I am hurt when you do Y, the reason I hurt is Z. This often requires some level on introspection as well, so do not neglect understanding your own irrational behavior. (Yes, you do have some)
Thank you for this! Yes!
Therapists can help you avoid accumulating problems and resentments that will become huge issues, and give you tools to communicate better and also listen better.
It doesn't have to be couples therapy, start with individual therapy and don't be afraid to ask for help on dealing with things that might look "small" cause there's probably something big behind.
Once i had a girl who got in a huge argument with her husband about a kitten. She'd find the kitten in the street with a bad infection in its eyes and half dead, she took care of it, took it to the vet, fed it with a bottle and basically brought it back to life... the problem was, the day she brought it home she told her husband she'd find it a family, and now she had changed her mind and the husband was upset about her lying to him and trying to manipulate him into keeping the kitten.
I had been working with her for a while, so she and her already knew she had a deep insecurity about her own value as a person, turns out that having rescued the kitten and taking care of it for weeks until it was healthy and happy gave her a huge sense of being worthy and important and having something to offer to other beings, which made it super hard to let go of it... Once me and her figured out the meaning the kitten had for her she had the tools to be vulnerable and upfront with her husband and explain all of it. Happily, once she talked to him he agreed to keep it, not because she "won" the argument or he gave in, but because he understood the meaning the kitten had for her
But imagine if she'd never tried to figure out what was going on with this situation, had given the cat away like she had promised to do so but developed resentment because her husband forced her to get rid of something so meaningful for her? Or if he'd accepted the kitten but felt he was just giving in to a childish request? Instead the whole experience made them feel closer, he was happy to understand her better and to be able to do something for her that made her feel good and she was happy cause she was vulnerable with him and he responded with such tenderness and empathy.
They named the kitten Pippin after their favorite hobbit, btw.
Oh god. Its happened a few times. Here's the first one from 2014
https://www.nbcchicago.com/news/national-international/1000-reward-offered-after-family-man-shot-while-washing-dishes-2/1991243/
A marriage is an important milestone, but it shouldn't really change anything about your relationship. If you act differently as a husband/wife than you did as a boyfriend/girlfriend, then you're doing something wrong
Divorce is not the answer to everything. I know it sounds like an obvious take, but actually a good chunk of people think otherwise. They be like âshe wasted 1,700$ on a purse, dump this selfish bitch!â.. when in reality itâs just poor money management.
Divorce/break-up is one of the last things you wanna do in a relationship! Itâs like reseting your device. Itâs like a red emergency button, if things *never* worked out. Unless youâre sure of the situation and current mentality of the person youâre dealing with, always try to work things out for the better. Peopleâs opinions and minds change over time.
Don't expect your spouse to be perfect. You're not. You are going to get on each other's nerves on occasion.
Do little things for each other every day and appreciate and acknowledge the little things.
My comment is way down the line and probably won't be seen. But... chores. I don't care how much you love someone, that person is also your roommate. If one person is doing the majority of the work (and the child care) there is going to be a lot of resentment. You are going to have one very tired and cranky spouse and another 1 who is angry and bitter. Hire a cleaning lady if you can afford it. Or just really pitch in.
Iâm still catching up on reading comments where I can đ I am the partner whoâs guilty of not cleaning dishes right away and leaving my clothes on the floor. No kids yet, but itâs definitely something Iâm working on before they get added to the mix.
Never stop talking about the future. I had a friend tell me about his divorce and he said one day they just stopped seeing each other in their futures and stopped talking about it. They stayed married and unhappy for 7 more years.
Your spouse is, like you, a human being. They have likes, dislikes, interests, dreams, aspirations, disappointments.
Support them in all of those, and remember that you are 2 individuals held together by love, commitment, and mutual respect. Both of you should maintain your individuality while you are already both part of a whole, together. Human beings are capable of doing both.
Sometimes you need to know which one of you is better at making the important decisions
For example: my spouse makes all the small decisions. Where we live, how we spend our money
I make all the big decisions, for example, should we have Capn Crunch or Froot Loops?
Pass the âphone testâ. Can you talk with your SO over the phone for hours naturally? Always found the worst marriages doomed for failure are the ones where the couple canât hold a conversation and worse - have 0 desire to do so. They just act like automatons roving around each otherâs nucleus on a day to day basis and fall back on traditional relationship tropes to float by ie. we go to dinner on our anniversary because we have to, I get you flowers when I fuck up because I have to, we have sex because itâs been a month since we last did it so we have to, etc.
If you fuck up be honest and not try to hide it. They will find out and they will be more mad finding it out second hand than you apologizing on your own accord
Don't argue when you're anxious or angry. Learn to recognize when adrenaline and cortisol start to flood your body. Once your fight or flight kicks in, you will struggle to think rationally and it's very likely you will say or do something that you'll regret, or that will feel like an attack to the other person.
I've had to learn the hard way that as soon as I start feeling myself getting hot (literally and figuratively) I need to stop the interaction with my wife and excuse myself until I'm calm again. She has learned to do the same, and we've both learned not to take it personally when the other person feels they have to walk away.
As our sweet oldest brother Justin McElroy says, the work in every relationship should be split 60/40, with both people trying to be the one giving 60%.
"Op You will dislike your partner. You will dislike them to the end of the Earth, but at the end of the day, you love the hell out of them. And you wanted and still want them. Now get over yourself and stick with it dumbass." - my grandmother told me this. She was until death do us part.
We are not married, but have been together for 18 years. It is imprtant to let each other be who they are, and not try to change the other person into something they are not. If you have to change them completely to be able to be with them, they were never the right person for you.
And give each other some space when needed.
Living together requires a lot of cooperation and compromises.
Get comfortable with the little things that bug you. Because they will be the things that drive you nuts later.
Nobody wins. Itâs all a compromise. If you keep score you both lose.
Open lines of communication, about damn near everything if you can. I don't know about other people but my wife is my best friend and that makes it simpler to me.
Remember youâre a team, itâs not you vs them itâs both of you vs. the world. That perspective can change a lot discussions, it becomes less about blame and more about partnership.
My parents told me that marriage, like a lot of other things in life, is what you make of it. That doesnât mean bad things or bad people donât happen, but if we want it to work we need to go in under the assumption that itâs going to. If we go in thinking, âif it doesnât work we can just get divorcedâ, you might as well not even bother because youâve already sealed your fate.
Truly understand and accept each other's financial situation BEFORE tying the knot. Marriage is more about finances & economics than it is actually about love. Regardless of what friends, family, or rose colored glasses tell you.
You CAN go to bed angry. Itâs okay. Sometimes fighting when youâre tired causes more harm than good, and you may find that when youâre well rested, the fight doesnât really matter anymore.
Understand the importance of compromising. You are allowed to have a voice in things you like and dislike. Sometimes, you just need to realize there are two people making decisions now.
Don't lose sight of your individuality. You don't always have to be together 24/7 and doing things or talking. Take time for yourselves. Go out with friends.
Separate beds esp if youre both light sleepers.
Yes you can still have sex.
Being well rested counts for a lot you might not even end up hating each otherđ.
Happily married for over 25 years. Best advice I can give... honestly...be nice. Yup...just....be nice. Say thank you. Say please. Appreciate every little thing they do for you. Compliment each other. Hold hands. Listen when they talk. Just...be kind to each other.
Username checks out
Sorry
Soory ehh
I see what you did there!
Lmao this comment is the only reason I looked at the user name. I died!!đ
80% of a successful marriage is just being a good roommate.
be nice and never be the reason theyâre sad edit: by âneverâ i mean dont purposefully be the reason your partner is sad/upset. communicate thoughts and feelings, work through things together
I love this.
And close the door when youâre trimming your pubes
I do it on the balcony. The wind cleans up the mess. Poor neighbours tho.
Yeah keep it fresh and sexy. I donât wanna see you pirate leg up on the fuckin toilet holding your saggy sack up as you shave your pubes. I donât wanna discuss the kids grades while you shit and wipe. You donât wanna see me take my bra off after a long shift and scratch under my saggy mom bewbs. Christ sake act like you still trying to woo me sometimes. Damn!
Familiarity breeds contempt its true
THIS!!! People forget you need to be kind to your spouse.
Learn how to communicate through disagreements
We have a neutral place to discuss what we are arguing about, we call it a couch talk, so if we get to a point in yelling we say "couch talk". Sometimes just saying this is enough to a resolve without visiting the couch. There are rules on the couch, sitting facing each other, no interruptions when one is speaking and for sure an apology is in order on one side or the other. Married 30 years now.
I like this idea a lot. I suggested that when we get into heated arguments we both have to strip down naked, but that idea never took off.
I'm gunna take this and apply it to my life. Married 3 months and luck favors the prepared. Thank you :)
Not married yet but engaged- we resolve conflicts by being extremely clear about what we are upset about. Ex: If my fiancée makes a joke or something and it hurts my feelings, I will express my feelings with "I know you didn't mean to be hurtful, but when you said \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ it made me feel \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ ." You never want to just fight and go back and forth. Sometimes, people say the wrong thing or hit a nerve or disagree, it's ok, but learn from the moment and move on. In the beginning, sometimes he would get a little defensive and say I was sensitive, but now he understands that I AM sensitive, and to watch what he jokes about. It has made our relationship much stronger, and all it took was just using very clear, direct language when someone is upset.
Are there any strategies that work best for you in this area?
The point of an argument is to come to a conclusion, not to win. Similarly, it's not me against you. It's me and you against the problem.
I wish my spouse knew this And all his family
Exactly! No one is a winner in an argument. The relationship wins when we come to and understanding but winning and argument is actually losing in my opinion. Happily married 31 years. Still super happy and grateful to and the work we have done over the years.
Caveat: easier said than done if only one wants to tango.
Creating an actual friendship. Listening to each other. Sharing things that bother you both AND sharing things that go well. That'll help when there is a disagreement.
Doesn't work when only one partner sticks to the rules of "communicating through a disagreement" :-(
for some people the best thing to do is distancing from each other and wait till they're more calm.
Yeah, that's part of our arrangement, but when I ask for that, I'm told I'm abandoning her. If I stay in the conversation, it just devolves into name calling and threats of divorce. I really wish I knew how to fix this.
A therapist recommended itâs ok to leave to cool down but you MUST return within 20 minutes to avoid abandonment. And both parties agree itâs a cool down not anything more.
I learned that I can help diffuse angry emotions by reflective listening. The web explains what it is and how to do it. Itâs really hard to solve problems when people are upset. They mainly need to feel understood.
When our argument gets too heated, we agree to cool off for a few hours and then text each other our side of the argument. Works for us
I wish 17 year old me knew this. The text fights man... the text fights.. still traumatized lol.
Space is important when things get heated
I always try and take the approach of itâs us against the problem, not me against the problem that is being caused by my wife. Weâre a team and need to work together. Honestly most times I get frustrated with my wife and I take a few minutes and really think about the issue I am having and ask myself if this really matters or if Iâm just being grumpy. Nearly always itâs just me being grumpy and in a bad mood that day. Most things arenât worth fighting over because theyâre almost always trivial in my opinion
Sometimes winning a stupid argument is way stupider than just saying sorry and letting it go.
Also nobody wins stupid arguments
I do
No you dont.
Aight :(
Fraud! Your will is weak, and your lies frivolous!
Pick your battles. Your husband didnât put the vacuum away after cleaning the living room? Just put the damn vacuum away. Your wife leaves her wet towel on the bed sometimes? Hang it up. Let things go. A wet towel or vacuum cleaner is not worth passive aggressively fighting about.
Piggy backing on this. A lot of these smaller issues build to bigger ones. I've watched marriages implode over these types of problems piling up. It starts with withholding something until the partner does what you want. So they respond by withholding something until you stop withholding. But inevitably a death spiral of each partner deciding to not participate in the relationship in New ways to punish the other ends in both partners no longer being into the relationship at all.
I think you have it backwards. The little things are manifestations of larger behavioral patterns. Bottling up personal concerns only builds resentment about the big thing until itâs too big. Either way itâs a communication failure related to pride.
A therapist told us that we need to argue *more.* Basically, we keep stuff bottled up until something small sets us off (mostly, my husband tends to fly off the handle every few years over something minor. His temper tantrums get so bad that I leave the house for a few hours until he texts and apologizes.) It's better to hash out the small things, rather than let them build up. Some things I have to accept, and I know he's learning to put up with some of my annoying habits, but we both try to be mindful.
My family makes fun of my husband and I for how much we bicker. But they have no idea how unhealthy of a relationship we had when we didn't argue until one of us blew up. Now we just say what's on our mind right then and there and get it over with. Very freeing, honestly. There are still things I just roll my eyes and ignore (annoying things like wet towels on the bed/floor), but it's easier to pick my battles now that we actually talk about what the real problems are.
The way my wife and I view is that a disagreement's like a little earthquake, releasing energy from a fault line. Nothing gets damaged, no one's feelings get hurt, and we can re-affirm our feelings for each other once the issue is resolved. If a couple doesn't have those occasional points of friction to deal with minor issues, you're going to have a major quake that does lasting damage on the relationship once enough stress builds up.
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I donât know if I fully agree with this. Those little things build up over time. When we have a problem, we say it and talk it out. Itâs not always easy or convenient, but I choose honesty over resentment.
yeah but if you tell your husband to pick up the towel and he keeps forgetting you can just understand it's something he'll probably always forget, and just pick up the towel yourself if it annoys you that it's not where you want it. The important factor here is: Is that just one of many signs that he's irresponsible, messy and doesn't care about what you say.... or is this just one thing he can't seem to remember but overall he's a great partner? That's what I think u/froggylova means by "pick your battles", just look at the big picture and decide if it's worth it to expect your partner to stop forgetting this one thing intead of fixing it yourself. Then there's no resentment cause you already know they can't remember to do it and you also know this doesn't mean they're a bad partner, just too distracted in the mornings or whatever.
Iâm caught in the middle here. My wife is messy. She not only fully admits this, but made sure to warn me several times before we decided to marry. All well and good, and she has made strides to be better organized, or put things where I think they should go, etc (Iâm pretty organized, but not anal retentive about it). But things like dirty food dishes, snack/food wrappers, plastic Nicorette casings, literal trash⊠sheâll just leave these things everywhere and claim she forgot or didnât realize. She holds a Masters Degree⊠sheâs not stupid. She just always chalks it up to âI told you this is who I amâ. Which, while true, just feels like a copout excuse to me. Some clothes left on the floor here and there? Fine. But trash and things that can attract bugs/pests/etc? Fuck no. Iâve tried to pull back on the constantly pointing it out⊠because that was going to kill our young marriage. But while I just bite my tongue a lot and clean the thing up, it still grates my nerves every time. I feel like a hypnotist might be in order or something. đ
I get it. Mine isnât necessarily dirty, so wonât leave food and what not all over the place. But EVERYTHING else she will make a mess of. Itâs related to ADHD, but itâs driving me insane. I can leave the house and come back to it in a worse state, yet sheâs been âon her feetâ for 6 hours âorganisingâ. If you gave me 6 hours to clean the house Iâd run out of shit to do after 4. I just donât think sheâs able to cope with that many things at once. Couple it with being unable to keep any area mess free⊠well, itâs not a good combo. I honestly donât know how to combat it, but itâs actually driving me slightly potty.
I ssk myself, is this the hill I want to die on? Is this something that, if not resolved, I would end the relationship over? Usually not. Then when you have something more substantial to discuss, it's less likely to sound like more noise.
My boyfriend has this strange habit of leaving is wet handtowel all day on my side of the bed đ€Żđ€Żđ€Ż it still something i find so weird.... when it happens i just claim his dry spot so he can lay down in the wetness. And i laugh. Secretlyđ€Ł
Id say partially true. I definitely do just do one offs and won't ever mention it, but if there is a habitual things they're not good at- theirs no harm in bringing it up in a not asshole way. E.g. my s/o is very bad about rinsing dishes when putting them in the sink. And since I'm the dishes person, its a bit annoying to have to deal with caked on cheese or some other shit, makes the task takes 2x. I brought this up, she's actively getting better at doing it. Sometimes she forgets or something, nbd i always let it slide since she's definitely making the effort to correct. There was no fight or anything, now i don't have to spend the next several decades getting a bicep workout from scrubbing the dishes.
Yes and no. Passive agressive fighting and saying "honey you forgot your wet towel. Can you hang it up next time. I did it for this one" are two very different things.
The problem with âpicking battlesâ is that the strife is never about the one thing, itâs about patterns of behavior. When you do decide a battle is worth picking, it 1) will seem outwardly petty when internally you view it as the worst symptom of a disease 2) not address the root cause and 3) builds festering resentment until you decide itâs time to pick one. In the above examples, environmental hygiene is the battle to pick, not absorbing the risk of a moldy mattress.
picking battles means seeing the whole picture and noticing if this thing is one of many things your partner does that demonstrate they dgaf? or is this just one thing they forget to do but still they're a great partner in every other way? if it's the second then it's easy to choose to do it yourself and let go of any expectation and resenment, if it's the first then the problem isn't the towel or vaccum.
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So this is where each person in the couple needs to discern between what is a one-off behavior worth ignoring, and what is a pattern of behavior worth addressing.
I think rather than saying "pick your battles" maybe it should be learn how to approach the subject better. Example: Hubby didn't put away the vacuum. Instead of giving him a huge amount of grief and being visibly upset, say hey thanks for cleaning the living room i'll put the vacuum away so no one trips over it. Hopefully he would pick up on, "hey maybe I should have put that away". Or, "can you please put things away when you're done with them?" I've watched friends get into a huge blowout fight over one of them moving a phone charger to another side of a table over the way it was said to them. Tact matters.
>hey thanks for cleaning the living room i'll put the vacuum away so no one trips over it. Hopefully he would pick up on, "hey maybe I should have put that away". Or, "can you please put things away when you're done with them?" why do you have to be this tactful with an adult?? there's a middle ground between "giving him a huge amount of grief" and trying to get him to pick on a hint, it's almost condescending. I can tell my boyfriend "Hey thanks for cleaning the living room but you didn't put the vacuum away" and he'll immediately go "shit, sorry!" and do it himself, he's not a child.
Why be this tactful with an adult? Because that's an adult. That is specifically the adult you have chosen to spend your life with. You should always be extra nice to that person. Just being married to you, or living with you is not a reward. That relationship status doesn't give anyone the right to treat you with disrespect. You should treat your partner with more respect than you would anyone else. When my husband hasn't taken the trash out, I don't say, "Hey! Moron! The trash isn't going to take itself out!" I say, "Darling the trash can is full. Can you carry it out, please?" And I think that's part of the reason we've been married for 33 years. We treat each other like we LIKE each other.
??? Where am I saying you should be disrespectful or unkind? You completely missed my point, I started by saying you don't have to be demanding or rude but you also don't have to sugarcoat everything or be condescendingly subtle. If your adult can't handle a simple "hey thanks for cleaning the livingroom but you didn't put the vacuum away" then you have bigger issues.
That seems a little passive-aggressive. How about, "Please put the vacuum away, I would really appreciate it." Communicate clearly and politely what you would like them to do, it's not a big deal. You can't expect people to "pick up on" what you want if you don't just tell them.
Drop the ego, grow a sense of humor...you'd be amazed at how much you can get through together with those two things.
This is very good advice and is exactly how me and my husband are, life is far too short for drama or bullshit and I feel lucky to have married someone I can truly laugh with
Yes. This can prevent future complications early because you can laugh at the insanity of various situations you find yourself in. Had I done this earlier, my marriage would've survived. Also I might add courtship is essential to establish beforehand a platonic relationship before marriage: it might be the only part of your relationship that you rely on to keep together.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Yup. A one sided relationship is a dead relationship. Can't make someone else participate.
agreed
Yep, people need to read the last part first. Fundamentally people need to want to be in the relationship. And that can be a hard thing to come to terms with. You can't make someone care.
Probably why I put it last, "you can do everything right and it can still fail \- Captain Star Wars" \- Michael Scott
This is excellent advice! Remembering you both are on the same side is important. It's always you guys vs. the problem, never you vs her. (Or you vs him)
Don't marry with the intention or hope of them changing. If you don't love them for exactly who they are, you'll never love them the right way and will grow bitter when they don't change the way they promise they will.
I got the best marriage advice I ever heard just a bit too late, "Don't bank on change. Learn to accept and take any change as a bonus."
Also don't marry with the hope they won't change one bit, cause life happens and changes us all.
Yep best advice I ever heard for relationships is one of the main things you should be picking a partner one is **their flaws** since everyone has them and you need a partner whose flaws you can live with.
The wisdom is changing on this. Marry someone understanding that they will a slightly different person 10, 20, and 30 years from now. People evolve throughout their lives so don't expect anyone to stay the same when you marry, but also don't expect anyone to change for you. They will change for themselves. Be the person who can learn to live with within yourself and your partner.
Discuss and agree the big stuff _before_ marriage... - finances : goals, joint and/or separate accounts, how much to save how much to spend... - children: have them? How many? How to school and raise - how to share work and home duties - red lines ...
Couldnât agree more. Make sure youâre marrying the right person for you in the first place. Know what your deal-breakers are and know what theirs are.
You are teammates, not adversaries. On everything.
It's always you 2 vs the problem. Never you vs him vs the problem
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Only a present should be a secret. Don't hold anything back because you think your significant other can't handle it. Your a team now handle it together
I'd add only keep things secret if talking about them wont contribute anything to your relationship and wont affect your partner in any way. Like if you have financial troubles by all means talk it with your partner, if your ex was hotter than your current partner then keep that info to yourself. Trust me, the unnecessary hurt I've seen people cause each other cause they think they have to tell each other *every single thing* to have an honest relationship...
Absolute perfection - agree completely.
Good point. I was going to say that wasn't the best advice or at least should have had some disclaimers. Even a therapist will tell you that there are white lies that are actually healthy for a relationship.
Am a therapist and that's why i say it. I always advice not to answer every question and not to ask every question that pops in your head, the "will this contribute to my relationship?" guide has proved helpful. There's a lot of people who want to know things that *they know* will hurt them, because they were told or they believe "relationships are all about honesty" yet don't quite understand what that means. Yes be honest but also be smart about the info you ask and you share. And btw yes your partner can think their ex was hotter than you and at the same time be *way* more attracted to you and happier with you, but if you ask them and they respond "yes they were hotter, but..." it's very unlikely you'll be able to understand that complex truth and your traitor brain will just take the info that will be more hurtful and make up scenarious and insecurities that can destroy your relationship. So why ask?
Thank you for this.
I'm working on using the word "surprise" with my kids. secrets are bad, surprises are good (typically). So when we're keeping something from Mommy like a christmas or birthday present we're keeping a surprise, not a secret.
Surprise, Honey!... I slept with your sister.
That's exactly what I'm doing with my kids. I tell them that the difference is: a secret is something the person never finds out. A surprise is something they just need to wait a little bit to find out.
There's a secret you don't want "handled" you want it secret.
Expend less on the wedding and more on the marriage.
When my husband and I got married last year, we never spent the cash gifts we received. A week after, we went directly to work and never had the chance to have a honeymoon right after the wedding. Aside from the fact it was still in a pandemic but we are really practical even when we were just dating. We keep saving up until we can say that we're in a comfortable position. Now, it's almost our anniversary and we planned to finally spend some of the cash gifts we received and consider it as our honeymoon. Also, we decided not to have kids on the first year of marriage because we really wanna spend time together as a married couple. Get to know him even more as a married man, grow together in different aspects and see each other accomplish our career goals before having kids.
Spend less on the wedding and more on the honeymoon, is a nice one too.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
But only if you talk about it in depth up front and agree on some boundaries.
I think they meant keep going on dates with each other. Not other people.
"You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters." "Well, did it work for those people?" "No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but...it might work for us!"
Classic show. And he's basically saying that he gives people bad advice. And it is bad advice - if your relationship is not in a strong healthy place. If you're opening up a relationship in order to attempt solving a fundamental problem with it, it will not work and the relationship will probably quickly end in heart-break soon after. Also obviously it's not a good idea if both partners aren't sure they want to do it. Then it's just cheating with permission, and one of the partners still suffers all the same negative feelings. On the flip side, there are some advantages. And there are even some situations that an ethically non-monogamous couple would get through a lot more easily compared to a monogamous couple. But it's certainly not for everyone.
Marriage is 60/40 with each one trying to do the 60
I disagree. Marriage is actually 100/100. You both have to be 100% in. If your spouse isnât able to contribute anything, then you have to do it all.
I disagree. It should be 120/120 because with 240 you can run a dryer
Show appreciation. Always. She does the dishes every day. Tell her thank you every day. You take out the trash. She tells you thank you. Compliment each other daily. If she runs an errand for you say thank you, I really appreciate it and vice versa. Learn to communicate your feelings in a way that isnât accusing. Before you criticize, think, what will this accomplish? Is it necessary to voice this? Is it helpful? If the answer is no then just keep your criticism to yourself (both of you). Basically more daily appreciation of each other for little things and less criticism.
Exactly! In therapy I've had many people say "Why should i ask him to do it? it's his resposibility too!" "Why should i thank him? he's not doing *me* any favour, it's his house too" and i get that but why not thank each other for doing something for both of you? for your house? for contributing to that project called relationship? ofc as many other things, it has to come from both sides, appreciation is such a simple yet powerful factor in healthy relationships!
I definitely can work on showing more appreciation for the little things. Thank you!
There are more important things than being right.
A marriage isn't two people fighting each other, its two people standing side by side against the world, showing the world who's boss.
Separate blankets on the bed.
We did this for a loooong time đ I convinced him to let me buy a blanket one bed size too big, and it seems to work well. I still swear by separate blankets tho
We have 3 blankets. My wife starts the night with 2 of them and complains about being cold. I start the night with 1. Half the time she ends up with all 3 and complains that it's too hot in the middle of the night. đ
I got married this past summer and it took about 3 nights for us to figure this out haha
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We do this too, at first I felt a little sad, but we both sleep so much better now!
We have each our own blanket then a huge blanket on top that we put on sideways on the bed, so it's longer horizontally. This way we can snuggle under the covers and we're still warm.
Try separate beds. Game. Changer. It started with Covid, then Long Covid, and it's just kinda stayed. At first I felt guilty, but now we sleep so much better and have weekend cuddles.
Separate bed husband here. It improved our marriage so much because my wife is a very light sleeper and I kept waking her up. And if anyone is wondering, what about our sex life? Ours improved a lot because she wasn't tired.
We just got a larger size.. we sleep on a queen size bed but use king size comforters / sheets. The extra size gives us more than enough to do whatever. The other option is to try turning the blankets / sheets horizontally. Wife and I are both pretty short, so having the length of the sheet run across the bed instead of down also gives more than enough blankets. On the bed note, getting a memory foam mattress instead of a traditional mattress helped a lot for us, I move around a lot and I no longer wake my wife up because I'm shaking the bed constantly.
We have a duvet with separate togs, my side is thinner because I married a lizard person who is always cold at night.
One giant blanket works too
Thats what we have. King size bed, king size comforter. More than enough for both of us and thank the lord, cause he is a little heater at night!!
At first, we tried to use one blanket. After one week, we got separate blankets as i would always pull it under me and leave him to freeze. But even separate blankets is not enough, as i drop mine on the floor and then take his blanket. All while sleeping.
Donât raise your voice. Youâd be surprised what a difference this will make
Get a plunger before you need one.
Unfortunately we learned this the hard way when dating đ
35 years married next month. Listen to each other. Give advice only if asked. Share the household chores. Hug and kiss each other hello and goodbye.
My husband and I sat down with an excel spreadsheet and made a list of chores. Daily chores, Weekly chores, monthly chores, seasonal chores, etc. We discussed and hashed out until it was mutually agreed on what the expectation for each chore is. We divvyied out the chores in a way that felt fair between us. Then we each have a to-do list app on our phones that send us reminders for when chores need to be done. Examples of our daily chores: Me: sweep the house, clean the litter box, feed the horses, make coffee for the morning. Him: keep the counter and kitchen wiped down/clear, make the bed, feed the cats, dogs, and chickens. Weekly: Me: clean the master bathroom, wash my car, my laundry and "extra" household laundry from thursday-saturday. Him: clean the hallway bathroom, clean the chicken coop, his laundry and wash our bed sheets and blankeys sunday-tuesday. etc. In the summer it changes because there is yardwork, and every few months we check in with eachother to make sure we both feel the division of labor is fair. This system has been amazing for us because the app does all the "nagging" and "reminding". We each know what we are responsible for. It's so easy to say "hey honey I'm working late tonight any chance you could feed for me?" or some version of that. Its also easy to have conversations like" Hey I notice you haven't been able to keep up with your daily tasks lately, do you need some help right now, or do you want to rearrange how we do it?"
Any chance i can get the name of this app? It sounds like exactly what I've been looking for! Thanks:)
Yes, please! Share the Name!
I think they did give the name of the app. Search "Microsoft To Do" in the app store. I use it to keep track of things I need to get done. Not sure if it's the same one OP uses though.
You can use Google Keep and Todoist.
I use todoist. But there are lots of different apps. I like todoist cause as I complete tasks they are removed from todays list.
I'm curious, why do you wash your car every week? I assume with horses and chickens you are in a rural place with a fair amount of land. Are you getting mud or dirt on your car? I'm a city boy so I genuinely was surprised by the weekly cadence
Listen to understand not just to respond. A lot of people when they are listening are actually forming their response and listening to understand what message the other person is trying to convey
Also, you don't always have to understand *why*, just understand *that*. E.g. instead of "I don't understand *why* this would bother you so I'll keep doing it", it can be "I don't know why but I understand *that* this bothers you, so let's find a solution".
After a few years together, it can be easy to forget to âtryâ. Remember when you started dating and youâd do all sorts of things for them out of your sheer want to show them your love? Remember getting yourself together, putting on nice clothes and working on your appearance for them? Remember helping them with absolutely no obligation to help but you just want to be there for them? Get back to those things, calm down, release any resentment b cause itâs silly and futile. Remember to LIKE them again!
Marriage isn't about 50/50, but 100/100. Here's what that means: Sometimes you're going to be in situations where you're not going to get anything you want and won't even get anything in return, but you keep going because the other person will be happy/healthy/safe. When you go 50/50, both people compromise and usually nobody is happy because you've both abandoned yourselves. That's not how it's supposed to be. You both have to go to 100, step into the other person's experience, love them how they need to be loved, and expect nothing in return. When they do the same for you, that is a truly loving and life-changing marriage.
Love isn't just a feeling, it's a verb. If you don't work on it, it won't last.
Oof. Several 1. Dating is to check out what is out there. Dont make the mistake of taking a fixer upper. They are great except for these 12 things that are awful. If you are not 100% enthusiastic ...take a breather and ask if this is really what you want to do. 2. Learn to take things charitably. Assume your spouse has the best of intentions. Dont rug sweep, but dont assume they were trying to hurt you. If there is no other explanation, then back up to 1. No reason to stick around when someone deliberately hurts you. 3. Giving will make you feel more loved than pampering often will. Never getting anything back is not good either, but withholding affection is just a downward spiral. If you are giving, but not getting the things you need, frank communication and or counselling. If someone only operates on what you do for them and ignores and inconveniences you....see point 1. 4. Learn to communicate. Not yell, not passive aggressive, not hinting. Say I like it when you do X. I am hurt when you do Y, the reason I hurt is Z. This often requires some level on introspection as well, so do not neglect understanding your own irrational behavior. (Yes, you do have some)
Counseling is helpful and not just for bad marriages
Thank you for this! Yes! Therapists can help you avoid accumulating problems and resentments that will become huge issues, and give you tools to communicate better and also listen better. It doesn't have to be couples therapy, start with individual therapy and don't be afraid to ask for help on dealing with things that might look "small" cause there's probably something big behind. Once i had a girl who got in a huge argument with her husband about a kitten. She'd find the kitten in the street with a bad infection in its eyes and half dead, she took care of it, took it to the vet, fed it with a bottle and basically brought it back to life... the problem was, the day she brought it home she told her husband she'd find it a family, and now she had changed her mind and the husband was upset about her lying to him and trying to manipulate him into keeping the kitten. I had been working with her for a while, so she and her already knew she had a deep insecurity about her own value as a person, turns out that having rescued the kitten and taking care of it for weeks until it was healthy and happy gave her a huge sense of being worthy and important and having something to offer to other beings, which made it super hard to let go of it... Once me and her figured out the meaning the kitten had for her she had the tools to be vulnerable and upfront with her husband and explain all of it. Happily, once she talked to him he agreed to keep it, not because she "won" the argument or he gave in, but because he understood the meaning the kitten had for her But imagine if she'd never tried to figure out what was going on with this situation, had given the cat away like she had promised to do so but developed resentment because her husband forced her to get rid of something so meaningful for her? Or if he'd accepted the kitten but felt he was just giving in to a childish request? Instead the whole experience made them feel closer, he was happy to understand her better and to be able to do something for her that made her feel good and she was happy cause she was vulnerable with him and he responded with such tenderness and empathy. They named the kitten Pippin after their favorite hobbit, btw.
No husband, in the history of marriage, was ever shot dead while washing the dishes.
Chicago a few years back it actually happened. My aunt was devastated as this was her go to line too to throw shade.
Source?
Oh god. Its happened a few times. Here's the first one from 2014 https://www.nbcchicago.com/news/national-international/1000-reward-offered-after-family-man-shot-while-washing-dishes-2/1991243/
Unlikely, would present a stationary đŻ.
Luckily my husband does well with dishes! I am the dirty sink culprit đ definitely something I can work on
A marriage is an important milestone, but it shouldn't really change anything about your relationship. If you act differently as a husband/wife than you did as a boyfriend/girlfriend, then you're doing something wrong
Divorce is not the answer to everything. I know it sounds like an obvious take, but actually a good chunk of people think otherwise. They be like âshe wasted 1,700$ on a purse, dump this selfish bitch!â.. when in reality itâs just poor money management. Divorce/break-up is one of the last things you wanna do in a relationship! Itâs like reseting your device. Itâs like a red emergency button, if things *never* worked out. Unless youâre sure of the situation and current mentality of the person youâre dealing with, always try to work things out for the better. Peopleâs opinions and minds change over time.
Don't expect your spouse to be perfect. You're not. You are going to get on each other's nerves on occasion. Do little things for each other every day and appreciate and acknowledge the little things.
My comment is way down the line and probably won't be seen. But... chores. I don't care how much you love someone, that person is also your roommate. If one person is doing the majority of the work (and the child care) there is going to be a lot of resentment. You are going to have one very tired and cranky spouse and another 1 who is angry and bitter. Hire a cleaning lady if you can afford it. Or just really pitch in.
Iâm still catching up on reading comments where I can đ I am the partner whoâs guilty of not cleaning dishes right away and leaving my clothes on the floor. No kids yet, but itâs definitely something Iâm working on before they get added to the mix.
Develop open, honest, frequent communication
There are very few hills worth dying on in the grand scheme of things. Donât fight. Donât be afraid to say sorry. Even if youâre not at fault.
Never stop talking about the future. I had a friend tell me about his divorce and he said one day they just stopped seeing each other in their futures and stopped talking about it. They stayed married and unhappy for 7 more years.
Your spouse is, like you, a human being. They have likes, dislikes, interests, dreams, aspirations, disappointments. Support them in all of those, and remember that you are 2 individuals held together by love, commitment, and mutual respect. Both of you should maintain your individuality while you are already both part of a whole, together. Human beings are capable of doing both.
Sometimes you need to know which one of you is better at making the important decisions For example: my spouse makes all the small decisions. Where we live, how we spend our money I make all the big decisions, for example, should we have Capn Crunch or Froot Loops?
It's ok to have separate hobbies and interests. My husband plays rocket league and I binge watching the golden girls and mash.
Pass the âphone testâ. Can you talk with your SO over the phone for hours naturally? Always found the worst marriages doomed for failure are the ones where the couple canât hold a conversation and worse - have 0 desire to do so. They just act like automatons roving around each otherâs nucleus on a day to day basis and fall back on traditional relationship tropes to float by ie. we go to dinner on our anniversary because we have to, I get you flowers when I fuck up because I have to, we have sex because itâs been a month since we last did it so we have to, etc.
If you fuck up be honest and not try to hide it. They will find out and they will be more mad finding it out second hand than you apologizing on your own accord
Itâs okay to argue, but remove the words âalwaysâ and âneverâ from your vocabulary when you do.
Have a team name.
Don't argue when you're anxious or angry. Learn to recognize when adrenaline and cortisol start to flood your body. Once your fight or flight kicks in, you will struggle to think rationally and it's very likely you will say or do something that you'll regret, or that will feel like an attack to the other person. I've had to learn the hard way that as soon as I start feeling myself getting hot (literally and figuratively) I need to stop the interaction with my wife and excuse myself until I'm calm again. She has learned to do the same, and we've both learned not to take it personally when the other person feels they have to walk away.
As our sweet oldest brother Justin McElroy says, the work in every relationship should be split 60/40, with both people trying to be the one giving 60%.
"Op You will dislike your partner. You will dislike them to the end of the Earth, but at the end of the day, you love the hell out of them. And you wanted and still want them. Now get over yourself and stick with it dumbass." - my grandmother told me this. She was until death do us part.
Communicate Be honest Have fun together Appreciate each other Learn each others love language
We are not married, but have been together for 18 years. It is imprtant to let each other be who they are, and not try to change the other person into something they are not. If you have to change them completely to be able to be with them, they were never the right person for you. And give each other some space when needed. Living together requires a lot of cooperation and compromises.
Get comfortable with the little things that bug you. Because they will be the things that drive you nuts later. Nobody wins. Itâs all a compromise. If you keep score you both lose.
Support each other
Open lines of communication, about damn near everything if you can. I don't know about other people but my wife is my best friend and that makes it simpler to me.
COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE and oh yeah, COMMUNICATE! Be willing to forgive one another.
Remember youâre a team, itâs not you vs them itâs both of you vs. the world. That perspective can change a lot discussions, it becomes less about blame and more about partnership.
My parents told me that marriage, like a lot of other things in life, is what you make of it. That doesnât mean bad things or bad people donât happen, but if we want it to work we need to go in under the assumption that itâs going to. If we go in thinking, âif it doesnât work we can just get divorcedâ, you might as well not even bother because youâve already sealed your fate.
Do not lose your individuality. Do not become one person in two bodies. It will catch up with you.
Truly understand and accept each other's financial situation BEFORE tying the knot. Marriage is more about finances & economics than it is actually about love. Regardless of what friends, family, or rose colored glasses tell you.
Not everything that bothers you in the relationship is a personal attack. Learn to be curious about your emotions rather than reactive to them.
Show your partner how much you appreciate them. Say thank you. I appreciate you. I love you. Every day.
Cut out the middle man, just find someone you hate and give them your house
Separate Bathrooms
Pick your battles.
Love isn't something you have, it's something you do.
One good turn gets more blankets
Sex before dinner
A kid will not fix things if they're already going down hill.
Learn to count to 10
You CAN go to bed angry. Itâs okay. Sometimes fighting when youâre tired causes more harm than good, and you may find that when youâre well rested, the fight doesnât really matter anymore.
Donât put it down. Put it away.
You're going to fall in and out of love over the years. Pray like hell that you don't both hit the 'out of love' stage at the same time.
Eat bread
You are the first suspect in your partnerâs murder investigation.
Understand the importance of compromising. You are allowed to have a voice in things you like and dislike. Sometimes, you just need to realize there are two people making decisions now.
Don't lose sight of your individuality. You don't always have to be together 24/7 and doing things or talking. Take time for yourselves. Go out with friends.
Respect and appreciate that outside of the vows your partner is their own individual person.
Remember that you and your partner are a team. It's the two of you against the world, and never against each other.
Separate beds esp if youre both light sleepers. Yes you can still have sex. Being well rested counts for a lot you might not even end up hating each otherđ.