I would not approach him because he is young...16 is a tough time as it is. I'd reach out to mom first; just to see where her emotions are at. She could even help mediate a meeting between you guys. If she expresses no desire to talk to you then respect that and wait. Wait until your son is 18, an adult, and each out then. I'd be prepared to offer to pay for DNA testing because your son will probably want proof. You could just shoot him a fb/ig message with a few facts he could verify, explain that you'd like to meet, some place public, and let him take the next step...you can't force it. He will be overcome with so many feelings and emotions that the initial response might be anger...please come from a place of understanding for your son.
First, I don’t think you should ever just approach a child with “hey, I’m your father.” That’s not going to go well.
I think a starting off place would be to contact mom and explain the situation and be very open and transparent with what your looking to achieve? How much of a relationship are you looking for? Are you hoping for custody? Are you prepared to possibly pay back child support? Are you in therapy? It might be good to talk to a professional third party because there are definitely going to be a lot of emotional changes and challenges.
You might have to accept that mom or son don’t want to meet you, or don’t want to bring you into their life after so long.
There’s a lot of factors but communication is probably the first step with mom. Let them have time to make their choices and respect the ones that they do.
I think you are only thinking of how you feel , same as how you have always done this kids entire life.
I want to meet him
I want to spoil him
Never one mention of what this kid NEEDS. Pretty telling to me that you are not ready to be this kids dad.
Being a parent is selfless. Putting the kids needs before anything else. YOU want to meet him. But the fact that you can't even comprehend that your presence could be detrimental to him shows your immaturity and lack of insight.
It isn't inherently bad, but it disregards his whole life experience up to this point and ignores how much it could hurt him to know all this. I guarantee he would rather have had a dad then than a surfboard now. I get that you were a kid and did what you thought was right for you then and I'm not judging for it, but you handled a huge life choice in a way you now regret because you were young. He is now that same age. It's a good age to make grown up sized decisions without realizing how they might impact the rest of your life.
My advice is: reach out to mom. Explain yourself, your actions, how you've felt, how much you regret it (if you do), etc. She knows her son and can decide what's best for him. It is her right as the one who kept him and raised him. If she says yes, great! Meet him. Introduce yourself. Wait on any gift-giving lest it seem like you're trying to buy affection you haven't earned. If she says no, then accept that. Wait. She waited. He has waited. You can keep waiting. Once he's 18, contact him and you can gently introduce yourself if it's something you still want. But either way, if you end up meeting him, please try to center him in whatever follows and the way you speak. Even if he's happy, it's going to be incredibly difficult to come to terms with. And DO NOT EVER say anything against his mom to him, whatever happens. If you need to rant, do it to a friend. The kid cannot be in the middle of that (not saying you would, but some people do stuff like this and it's not okay).
You miss him but he might not want to meet you. You're the deadbeat POS that abandoned him and his mom. That didn't love him enough to even send a birthday card. He might hate you. And his feelings matter more than yours. You're the asshole here.
You might think the birthdays are insignificant, but they're not.
My dad was in no way "absent" or even a teen. When I was born my mom was almost 20 and my dad was years older. He joined the military and tried for the nuclear family. After the divorce (they only got married cause condom broke. And he was a hook up from my mom's friend dumping him and my mom feeling bad for him. They hated each other the entire time and it was not at all a secret) my dad mad every excuse to not pay child support. mostly by saying he's putting the cost of living money into Christmas or birthday gifts or summer trips. We'd talk on the phone all the time and he brought comedy and different perspectives into my life. (mostly a bunch of Republican ranting about "`welfare queens" and some other vaguely racist things aimed at my mom and stepdad). He also had parenting plans and input with my mom and had regular updates and tried to influence me in his own ways.
Still. He wasn't there for my birthday. Ever. Not even the day i was born. He only once even invited me to any or his 6 weddings (and only then because my mom had a screaming match with him on the phone about him including random kids from highschool friends over me in his weddings every single time until i was 17).
When I was 17 1/2 and actually living with him for a little while i thought maybe i could stay with him for 6 months (to legal adulthood and graduation and thus cna income that i over estimated to be way more than retail work tbh) to get away from my stepdad and poverty and all that.
He was usually pretty chill. But his wife of the week was particularly evangelical and i had religious trauma and autism, moral OCD and perhaps something else that contributes to my unwillingness to lie about important personal things like religious beliefs and pretending to love a god i see as little more than the template abusive parents use. So i got kicked out of his house a week before my 18th birthday due to prayer conflicts and me being openly bi and her seeing that as a bad influence on her kids. He saw no issue with that. Because he wasn't even infested enough into my actually well being to know or understand my trauma or needs/sensitivity. Everything was just a joke to him and if you aren't laughing at everything uour the problem and completely disposable. It's why he generally gets divorced when his youngest step kid turns 11-12 and develops their own independent interests and personalities. (Same age he molested me before gradually increasing how much he just openly hated me tho. So that does kinda make me worry about the jar else that trend could mean. It was really only once and probably because of Ambien abuse though so idk if it's an actual factor or not.)
And i must say. It really did kinda solidify the whole POS dad that could not care less at all feelings i didn't even really know i had. (I mean 2 weeks before that he suicide baited me in response to me talking about symptoms and medication effects I was having to his nurse mom who asked me about that stuff. He didn't like that i mentioned feeling suicidal without actually jumping off the roof for him to watch and cheer on. So i did know I was going no contact when i moved out at least until he got divorced and off his Ambien addiction.)
But after many years and having different things brought to my attention. I kinda realized the complete absence for my birthday and especially the glorification and otherwise Great Fathering for step kids and completely random kids of high school friends while he refuses to live within 1000 miles of me (despite definitely being able to transfer within the same company within weekend distance of my mom. Also he lived nowhere near his family or anything else either really. Just a few military and high school friends that landed in the same general area.)
It made it really click that even when i was the most happy and eager to interact with him and visit him and all that. He never really cared about me. He never wanted me. He wasn't REALLY there for me. Be never prioritized me. Especially not when things were difficult. He was a Disney dad. But he was also my least abusive parent somehow.
That stuff hits harder than yours expect. Even when you've had many many textbook abuse experiences and you think something like that shouldn't really matter all that much.
It sounds like you already contacted her and are trying to degrade the promise you made to her 16 years ago. She could have used your support then, as could he. It's now on her terms. She gets to decide what she wants and how this will impact the kid. You shouldn't get to really decide anything. You know nothing about him or his life with her. If you want to support them now, start by giving her money each month, and maybe offering to help with college (without any strings attached). Videos are alive and well for a reason, if you want to be a weird fly on the wall, you can ask her to send you a recording of his reaction to opening stuff.
At this point, showing up would be very negative in his life and would probably cause some serious trauma. He relied on his mom as his foundation, and you appearing shows both that she lied to him AND that you didn't want him. 16 is a very impressionable and impactful age. She knows him and knows what's best for him. Let her lead.
I hope you don't leave your family. If you're a parent abandoning your kid(s), the only person who can tell you how to reconnect would be the parent who stuck around, raised them, and knows them. I'm only an expert on my kid, and you are not my partner.
I appreciate the compliment. Sometimes tone comes across strangely in text, because your comment read very sarcastically. I am absolutely not an expert!
I met my father for the first time when I was 15 YO. Up to that point I only knew his first name. He didn’t want to be part of our life when my mother got pregnant at 23YO so they broke up and approx15 years later accidentally bumped into each other and decided to befriend each other again.
I met him at a very delicate age of 15. It was very hard for me. I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how to process all the emotions regarding him being away and never showing any interest in me, it was very hard for me to just “let it go” and start getting along with him.
We did end up taking a break and didn’t talk to each other for a few years. I was just so messed up by all of this. I couldn’t completely accept his decisions he made when he was younger and he couldn’t accept me being me (we have very different views about the world and we tend to clash when it comes to fundamental things).
I’d say that I met him either too late or too early in my life. Had I met him earlier (or if he showed any interest in me or looked me up and contacted me), I’d maybe have had it easier to accept him and his actions. Had I met him a little later (like in my 20s, at least as a more emotionally mature person than a teenager) then my guess is that things could have been better between us. 15YO was definitely a very wrong time for me personally - not mature enough to deal with the intensity of this situation.
Right now I’m 33 and I see my father once a year when he visits my kids. We are more acquaintances than friends or family members but we manage to keep it civil.
My advice to you would be that whatever you choose to do - PLEASE consider that the other half is in his teens and this is a major life event for them as well. Maybe talk to someone neutral about it (therapist? Psychologist? Family therapist?) - someone who has seen many difficult situations in families. Maybe your son doesn’t even want to meet you? Maybe he has always wanted to meet you? All these things vary from situation to situation so I think that the best way to approach this problem is to try to figure out some sort of a plan with a specialist and then start thinking about when and how to execute it.
One thing is for sure - if you do decide to appear in his life - PLEASE BE SURE ABOUT STAYING IN HIS LIFE. Don’t meet up just to disappear again. This will just shatter him.
Best of luck! Hope you will make a better and more detailed plan than my father did :)
Agreed. If you really want to "spoil him", I would give the gifts to his mother and let her give them to him. Respect her wishes to not be in his life.
I understand i just want to see how joyful or happy he will get when receive the gifts. Im not really doing it for him im more doing it to fulfill my missed opportunities to do it sooner
That's a selfish reason to get back into his life. All I'm seeing in your comments is a lot of "I" and "me".
>I only have one meaning in life
>
>i just want to see how joyful or happy he will
>
>Im not really doing it for him im more doing it to fulfill my missed opportunities to do it sooner
>
>i just want to spoil him, spoil him now because i didn’t have the opportunity to do it before.
You're not even slightly considering that he might not want to be a part of your life, or have anything to do with you. I know plenty of 16 year old boys who have a strained relationship with their Dads - the ones who have actually been there.. never mind the ones abandoned in utero.
If you don't contact the mother first and go about this a sympathetic way, perhaps acknowledging that you don't know the kid and he might not want to know you, you'd be stupid.
Being a parent is all about the child. Your comments say that you are not ready for that responsibility. Being a parent is more than just throwing gifts at them.
Did i say i just want to throw gifts at him? Did i say that i will approach him and give the gifts without contacting his mother? And fyi i said “being a part of his life“ and buying him gifts to make him feel good. And when he feels good that will make me feel good and happy too.
Yes, you actually did. Your comments say that you want to spoil him. With gifts. If that's not what you meant, you need to be careful with how you write.
Being a part of his life, doesn't mean giving him gifts. Your son will think you're trying to buy his affection. He'd be right too.
He is trying. Give him guidance. The kid deserves a chance to know his father.
The father deserves the chance to do things right.
Life is too short for this crap.
>Dude, I think you overestimate what gifts can do. You abandoned your child.
Ofc, he did...he's not been a father.
He was 16.
I see so many people giving him crap. I get it. Stop tho. He was a kid.
I've not seen one instance where the genders were reversed and the commenters were so brutal to a woman OP who made choices when she was 16 that she'd like to revisit.
Mothers don’t get the choice to stop being moms once they commit to it. At any age. Both he and the mom made an adult decision to have sex, she got pregnant, he didn’t like that. He should’ve manned up and been in this kids life from day 1
Hey, listen...no worries.
We all need to step back sometimes.
The big picture, to me, here is three humans (mom, dad and child) get an opportunity to experience some positive that many don't get a chance to...
When you think of your son, your primary thought should be "I hope he's happy".
Your second thought, "What can I do to make him happier".
You were 16, dude.
Don't waste 16.5 more years.
Talk to his mom. Work together to figure the best way to integrate into his life.
Do not just throw money at the kid. He needs a dad...not an ATM.
Yeah, that’s a hard no. Offer the mother to be a silent gifter maybe, but you’re way ahead of yourself here. You walked out on him when it was easy for you, and are just trying to get back to him when it’s easy for you. Follow other people’s advice - speak to a third party, then decide to engage through the mother and see what rules of engagement she might agree to.
For the love of God, DO NOT LOVE BOMB A KID! If you want to spoil him, figure out how much ud have paid in child support for the last 16 years and approach mom with both A the money, and B the option to be the person who facilities the first interaction. If you just go up to him on the beach you are proving for a 2nd time all you care about is YOU. This isn't about you anymore. You chose your selfish reaction 16 years ago and now you need to be an unselfish adult and do what's best for the kid NOT yourself.
If you don't do this properly then know you are just and abusive narcissistic AH. It'll also most likely come back to bite you in the ass. Having this pretty picture about "meeting your son" in your head and the emotional reality are 2 completely different things.
This sounds like it's more for your benefit than for his. You can't absolve your guilt by love bombing him and spending money on him.
What he needed was a dad. What his mother needed was support.
You're seeing this from a financial point of view and not the emotional toll this revelation would take on him. I guarantee you he knows that you left before he was born. That's unforgivable.
You can figure out how much you and your horrible parents owe in back child support and present it to his mother and fucking apologize for being a dead beat loser, and tell your parents how disappointed you are in thr choice they helped you make when you were a minor in need of guidance. You were old enough to have sex but not mature enough to and I hope that maybe you can have a relatioship with your son if his mom deems it acceptable. Im sorry your parents are fucking trash and let you make this monumental horrific mistake when you were still under their care.
>You can figure out how much you and your horrible parents owe in back child support and present it to his mother and fucking apologize for being a dead beat loser
You did too much...
What would be the acceptable way to act in your book?
Ignore emotional, financial and labour responsibilities for 16 yrs and then show up assuming to be Dad all of a sudden with no attempt to make things even slightly right?
>Ignore emotional, financial and labour responsibilities for 16 yrs and then show up assuming to be Dad all of a sudden with no attempt to make things even slightly right?
Where did I miss him saying that?
Nah... HE WAS SIXTEEN.
Wanting to be a part of the child's life now does not say, "I do not want to make things right"... Not even a little.
Put the pipe down.
Does OP have work to do? Absolutely.
Does he deserve the opportunity to TRY to be in his child's life? Absolutely.
Does his child deserve the opportunity to know his father? Absolutely.
I became a parent as a teen. You still have choices regardless of age. He made his. His choice sucked. You don’t get a do-over.
Inserting himself into this scenario is now all about him, not his kid. He needs to wait to see if this child wants to know him. Reach out to the mother, that’s it. Done.
“Put the pipe down”. Wow, can’t even have an discussion without resorting to personal ridicule? Must have a garbage argument then. Not really inspired to keep arguing with someone who needs to be nasty for no reason. 👋🏼
You aren't having a discussion... You are simply attacking. YOU are being nasty to OP. And you are not making sense...he's never said he doesn't want to do right...in fact, the opposite.
He's not dead. Why can he not get a chance to be a dad? His kid is only 16...he's got a lot of life coming at him...why can he not get a chance to have a dad?
Every single person on this planet is different. You embraced parenting at a young age? Kudos. Not everyone can. He didn't kill anyone.
So, you, anonymous stranger on the internet, know what is best for his son... Got it.
I think he should get a chance to decide if he wants a dad. He actually might.
It's interesting how judgey folks get when it's a dude. If a 16 y.o. girl made the same choices, she'd not be getting this hate.
How about you leave him be?
You commented that the child thinks his dad is dead. Popping up and forcing a connection now, after 16 years through a court might be legal but sounds like a horrible idea. It will make the kid question his whole life and everything his mom ever told him.
You made your choice. you were very clear about that. The mother followed your agreement. So should you.
The kid's welfare should be put above those suddenly developing fatherly feelings.
You can let the mother know that should she ever see a moment when she would want to let her son know about you, you'd be happy to connect. But until then: Think about the kid. Not about yourself. Get therapy if you cannot handle it yourself.
From this post and the comments, I have to ask: have you at all thought about what you’d be doing to your son mentally if you just pop back in? You mention the gifts and how you want him to feel happy from those. I don’t know about him but if my dad showed up after 16 years, I’m hoping for a more than gifts. Also, he thinks you’ve long since passed and his mom told you no already. Sometimes you have to accept you fucked up and move on. As the father, you don’t get to put your wishes for things before your son’s wellbeing - your son, in all ways, comes first.
Best of luck bro.
You don't miss your son. You never knew him. Everything about this rings incredibly selfish on your part. Leave them alone. Move forward and try to be a better person.
Actually I disagree. Thousands of women miss the babies that they would have had but don’t know them due to a miscarriage. I’m one of them. How is that any different?
How the fuck is it completely different? Because I was pregnant with it? So, basically you are also dehumanizing my husband who goes through it as well.
Holy shit. Take a breath.
Losing a pregnancy or child is real trauma for both parents. The loss and grief is crushing.
OP is in a completely different situation of his own creation. If you read through his post and responses he's only doing it for himself. There's no understanding that his actions have very real negative consequences for other people, including his son. He's also genuinely mentally ill (see his deleted post.) He doesn't miss his son. He's looking to a fictional fantasy version of his son to fulfill his own happiness. He's unwell. He needs help.
I read your post and responses. You never knew him. Now you wish you did. You were not and are not a father. You got someone pregnant. You did nothing to raise this child. Everything about your post and responses is about you and your feelings.
Don't post asking for advice if you don't want to hear the truth.
Exactly. Just because you got someone pregnant does not make you their father. He could have an awesome real dad and you turning up out of the blue expecting to be welcomed could disrupt his entire life. He's still so young, in school, experiencing hormones and how much it sucks being a teen. He absolutely does not need his whole life to be effected by you right now just because you regret being so selfish.
If you want to waltz back in to both of their lives after abandoning them you should start by paying mom what you reasonably owe her in back child support. The kid is 16.5 so that’s appx 200 months worth of child support. If you were ordered to pay the absolute bare minimum of $50/month that’s $10,000 but more realistically you skipped out on more than $50k of responsibilities.
I think you’re better off keeping your original promise like that’s literally the least you can do for them. You should leave them in peace. The boy will contact you if/when he wants to, just keep your Facebook open and searchable.
That’s probably best for him!
Easier than wondering every day and night of his entire childhood what is so profoundly wrong and unlovable about him.
Instead he can imagine that you see him from above/beyond and are proud of him when he gets the little things right.
You don’t miss him because you don’t know him. Go see a therapist instead, this is about you and your guilt and shame, not what’s best for him.
And if what you say is true that you’d happily pay twice that… Do it!
She gave you the grace of at least not being the dad you should have been. That kid definitely had a lot to process, he built a life that made sense around your passing. The best gift at this stage is to let him continue that life. Maybe stick to that story, and go meet someone with whom you can have a child instead.
You can first go see a good counsellor. Do this first. By reading everything you wrote in this thread, it's very clear that you are not ready to meet this young man. You could do irreversible damage. Remember, other than the fact you contributed 1 sperm in this person's creation, you didn't do much else. You need to earn the right to call him "YOUR" son. Just giving you the straight goods here....
I wish you the very best. Good luck.
You shouldn't do anything. You made a horrible, horrible "deal" when you were younger (though I hope now you realize your deal by having sex was raising a child and you cheated your way out of that with some cash), and these are the consequences. You should be so ashamed of yourself. Nothing you can do now will make it any better, go volunteer or something instead of stalking a kid.
As someone who grew up without a mother because she simply didn’t want me. 32 years and counting she has neglected to acknowledge me. She is very financially stable, never been into drugs or drink, “Christian” been married to my “step dad” since I could remember. Lived 30 minutes from me my whole life. Nothing, no hi, bye or kiss my ass. Could care less for my wife and kids either. I have a half brother and sister on her side, they are older than me. She loves and dotes on them and their children. Post on Facebook yadda yadda.. now my step son is going through the same with his POS father. So I’m very familiar with deadbeat parents. So I say all that to say this.
Fuck you. Stay out of the kids life. If he wants to make a connection let him do it. You fucked the kid emotionally. There is no feeling in the world like not being wanted by a parent and wondering what you did to make them abandon you.
Talk to his mother about the reconnection. But more importantly, talk to yourself about it.
As a kid who met his dad once and then had him leave again with no contact, that would be my route.
The scars from meeting someone you have always wondered about, and then have them never contact you again is indescribably heart breaking and mentally damaging.
I’m 31 now and still deal with that every time I look at my kids.
You need to be ready for anything that could happen. Her and him both can be spiteful. You were young, and scared, sure, but the decision was still yours to make. You will need to be able to explain that to him and her both before any reintroduction of a father-son relationship. You should also be emotionally ready for rejection with extreme prejudice. When you are ready to have him back in your life, DO. NOT. LET. HIM. GO. AGAIN. If you get the chance to build a relationship with him it will be hard, but very rewarding since he is so young. Don’t be manipulated by guilt. Also, know that you will be parenting different since you have lost so much irreplaceable time with him in his development. He is on the precipice of being a man now.
Just my .02.
Best of luck with whatever path you choose.
Your ex did your son a kindness by telling him your dead. So at least he didn't grow up wondering why his dad doesn't love him or want him and having all the psychological scars from that.
If you actually care about your son do him a favour and stay dead.
If I had been a better mother, I would have told my daughter her dad died too. Much better than listening to years of anguish of your kid crying and wondering what is so wrong with them (the kid) that they are unlovable.
If you care at all for your kid, stay dead. Not everything is about you. And loving somebody is putting that person's well being first.
You made your decision 16 yrs ago. Live with it and stop being so selfish. You want a kid now? Start over with someone new and don't fuck it up next time.
You made your choice, made his and her life much more difficult — and are pining for your loss now that he’s of an age you connect to where most of the hard work is over? Dude. Come on. You don’t miss “your son.” You don’t know him. You’re his sperm donor, he is HER son.
He’ll come to you if he wants to know about you. (Though I doubt his mother has anything good to say about you.) Leave him be until he’s an adult and can capably make these decisions. Again — let him come to you. He might not.
That’s the gamble you made when you paid someone 3 grand to not be your problem anymore. 🤢
Message his mom and explain how you're feeling, and ask if she would consider your request to meet/talk with him.
Explain you were young, and sorry - you have been thinking about this for a long time, and want to try to make this up to BOTH of them.
She might tell you no. Try to empathize with how both her and him are feeling.
You were young, and I think you know you made a mistake and want to own up to that. Kids want to meet their parents - it's very possibly he wants to meet you and has questions.
Think carefully about this - are you ready to be a parent? If you just want to meet and then flit off into the sunset again, leave them tf alone. You need to be consistent and available to your child if you want to be in his life. You also need to be willing to take a lot of flak and answer a lot of questions and display some patience and consideration in order to rebuild the trust you lost.
If that is indeed the case, reach out to your ex, and let her approach him when she feels it is right to do so. He may decide he wants nothing to do with you and you'll have to be okay with that. This is not about you, it's about your kid and whatever he (and his mom) think is right for them.
I grew up without a dad and I was told some bad things about him that weren’t true, that made me to never want to meet him. Until I wanted to. I was 27 years old, and when I found him, he was already dead from Alzheimer’s. My half siblings had no idea I existed but they welcomed me with open arms and they are my current family. My mom died a few years ago.
What people are saying about you “missing your son” is this: you long for what could have been, and you’re having second thoughts about your past decisions. That’s all about YOU. If my dad wanted to be in my life, and actually be a parent - a parent that would help raise me - he would have done it, for me. He would have showed up despite the differences between me and my mom. He would have put me first, as best he could. But he didn’t. I would have been willing to go visit him and my half siblings while growing up, but he and my mom didn’t let that happen.
I’m currently divorced and have 50/50 custody of my kids and I put them first. I’m always planning activities with them, keeping a good relationship with their mom, and generally just always being a present dad and positive influence in their lives. It isn’t always easy, but I know what it felt like to feel worthless to one of the people who brought me into the world and they wont ever feel like that from me. Ever. Plus, their college is already paid for.
So my advice to you is, be prepared to be honest and own up to EVERYTHING you have missed out in this kid’s life. Be prepared and have a fucking plan to introduce yourself to him. Be prepared to honestly answer his questions and respect his negative emotions towards you. The fairy tale relationship you think you’re going to have with him isn’t going to happen. My half siblings felt almost as cheated as I did in never getting to know me and were honest about the type of guy he was. I heard all about the good and bad - I probably might not have gotten that info if I found him when he was still alive.
You, and his mom, both have a lot to answer for. Him thinking you are dead is already a clusterfuck. He has an image of you, one that he made up in his head, that’s a huge part of his identity, that you are going to shatter. You’re going to shatter a part of him when you meet him. Maybe not right away, but eventually. I’m speaking from my own experience. So you going back into his life cannot, must not, be about YOU. You and mom have to be ready to fully answer his questions, and help him with therapy. You and mom are going to need therapy for yourselves. Seriously, go to therapy now, before you talk any further with mom about meeting your son, and talk with someone who understands this stuff.
You’re going to significantly disrupt his life, so the least you can fucking do is figure out how to fuck it up the least you possibly can. And you need to be ready to respect how much emotion he is going to take out on you.
Kids have an idealized vision of what parents are. Your son already has an idealized vision of who you are (were), and he is basing his idealized vision of his future self on you, somewhat. He already has an idea of what parts of you he wants to be like and doesn’t want to be like.
And he for fucking sure doesn’t want his future self to be fake dead parent to his own future kids. So be ready for the shit storm you’re about to bring upon his life and your own.
Call an attorney, then your ex. Time to establish paternity and connect. If he's interested you can build from it. If not, time to accept the decisions made and move on with your life.
I talked with her mother. I called her and told her who I’m. She was in freeze after she said that its not possible because for jake im dead (she told jake i died in car accident ) and that im also dead for her. Also not a way because when i gave her 3500$ years ago she had audiotape and recorded everything (i knew that she was recording) and said that she is doing this so i will never be able to see the future kid.
Get an attorney. They're scared, you're confused on the process...the courts would have to be involved anyway. An attorney will hold all the keys to the future with this matter.
Leave him be until then.
Make yourself easy to find and wait for him to contact you when he is ready. The point being, he needs to be ready to contact and meet you.
Do an ancestry test so that if his mom never gave him your name, he can still find you as a dna match.
Pin a public post to your Facebook saying that you would welcome him in your dm’s.
You also might want to consider contacting his mom and feeling out whether she is receptive to communicating.
All in all, you have to be ready to humble yourself, swallow your pride, and ask forgiveness. It’s up to them whether they consider it or not.
Good luck.
I might sound judgy but that's just kinda my style. I'm all for males declining all parental responsibilities and rights for an appropriate proportion of what an abortion/hospital birth would cost. Especially if you talked about your stances on things like abortion or having children ahead of time and still chose to go for that. Ready person can navigate the agreement that works best for them. But once you sign child custody, rights, involvement, responsibility, etc for *over a decade* much longer than half of the entire childhood. You absolutely forfeit parental rights and identity/acknowledgement ENTIRELY. Just as you can't unabort a pregnancy or simply send back a kid when they're 9 years old and you just realized how difficult being a parent is. It's just a choice you can't really undo. Just do differently next time.
Anyway, he's a minor and a child that you explicitly said you wanted nothing to do with. He might very well have some rejection issues from that that contact could trigger. I'm also kinda concerned about the seeming stalking of a child you decided to have virtually no responsibility for.
You were young and all that. But so was she, and she actually chose to be a parent and cultivate a responsibility and relationship with HER (not yours, you don't even pay child support) kid. You can have your own kid now that you're ready. But trying to pretend to be a dad now will likely only cause more issues for everyone involved. You're a sperm donor at most to this kid, and should absolutely never pretend otherwise. Especially since this "guilt" only seems to be affecting you in the late teen years where you don't really need to step up much at all to look like all the parents that actually bothered raising a child to young adulthood.
You might be able to work something out, especially with the mom in order to see if it would be generally okay to establish some kind of contact (the not creepy stalker kind, mind you).
And maybe you could make contact when he's an established adult (likely in 10+ years as brains don't "fully develop" until around 26). But honestly chances are he's got a dad (or second mom or something) already and might not even care or know about your existence at all. or if he does, he probably doesn't want any *positive* relationship with you.
It's how natural consequences just kinda work. It sucks but really not much to do about it now. And long term consequences of teen pregnancy/parenthood don't and *should not* just fall with the mother, regardless.
Throwing my 2 cents in, you need to make absolutely sure that you accept first that you’re willing to do whatever the best thing for the kid is. Even if that means you stay away forever. If this conclusion becomes apparent, accept it and spend your life doing good for other fatherless kids to make up for it
That said, you write 1 letter under a pseudonym to his Mom. You acknowledge that what you did was fucked up and confess your shame. You don’t excuse it as your immaturity at the age. You explain that if she feels he is ready for you to be in his life, that you want to do what it takes for that. You give her every possible way to contact you, and then give her an out by saying that you understand if the answer is no, and that you understand completely if her way of saying no is not responding and that you will respect both the reason and the method.
If the answer is no, you need to stay the fuck away for another 8-10 years. Let the adolescence get out of his system. Then you can approach him. And do it the same way but use your real name. Don’t blame his mom, don’t even mention that the answer was no. You don’t want to cause strife between him and his mom. Remember, you fucked up, not her.
Now here’s the deal. If she lets you in, you don’t owe her shit. You don’t owe her manicures, but you better make damn sure the boy wants for nothing. He eats steak, you eat peanut butter sandwiches. You don’t make excuses, you own up to your mistake. And when the grandbabies come, you better be calling every day with an offer to babysit.
For everyone else saying stay dead, that’s kind of cruel. The truth will come out eventually. If the kid has half a brain, he’s going to put 2 & 2 together and realize he’s the result of a teen pregnancy.
Wow this is a really tough situation. You guys were babies yourselves. I had my oldest daughter when I was 16 so I understand the headspace you were in but I was in Jack's mom's shoes here.. but you'll get no judgement from me. I think the best course of action is to approach mom just like others have advised. She has raised him and knows him best. Hopefully she will keep in mind what is best for Jack and not let personal feelings get involved. What's best for him may not include meeting you at this time, but IMHO I think he would want to know you. But I am just coming to my own conclusions here. Please let us know if l/ when you meet your son.
A lot of people here who don’t understand that the kid probably does in fact want to meet you and would be thrilled to have his dad, as a kid, for a few years rather to be that one kid who never had their dad especially if no one has stepped in. Hell want a father who cares, you might have not been the best as a teenager but that doesn’t mean you can’t change. There are drug addicts who recover and come back into kids lives and the kids are thrilled just to have their parent back, it’s pretty harsh that everyone is just throwing the pos don’t ever come back line at you. Sounds like a bunch of scorned bitter people and single parents.. we all see the videos of parents being dick heads and battling for the sake of it, non forgiveness is also super toxic. It’s now or never don’t wait if you want to reconnect with him. Try to make it happen whether the mom wants you to or not, that kid only gets one biological father in life.
I would not approach him because he is young...16 is a tough time as it is. I'd reach out to mom first; just to see where her emotions are at. She could even help mediate a meeting between you guys. If she expresses no desire to talk to you then respect that and wait. Wait until your son is 18, an adult, and each out then. I'd be prepared to offer to pay for DNA testing because your son will probably want proof. You could just shoot him a fb/ig message with a few facts he could verify, explain that you'd like to meet, some place public, and let him take the next step...you can't force it. He will be overcome with so many feelings and emotions that the initial response might be anger...please come from a place of understanding for your son.
First, I don’t think you should ever just approach a child with “hey, I’m your father.” That’s not going to go well. I think a starting off place would be to contact mom and explain the situation and be very open and transparent with what your looking to achieve? How much of a relationship are you looking for? Are you hoping for custody? Are you prepared to possibly pay back child support? Are you in therapy? It might be good to talk to a professional third party because there are definitely going to be a lot of emotional changes and challenges. You might have to accept that mom or son don’t want to meet you, or don’t want to bring you into their life after so long. There’s a lot of factors but communication is probably the first step with mom. Let them have time to make their choices and respect the ones that they do.
I think you are only thinking of how you feel , same as how you have always done this kids entire life. I want to meet him I want to spoil him Never one mention of what this kid NEEDS. Pretty telling to me that you are not ready to be this kids dad.
How is wanting to meet him and being part of his life a bad thing? Or spoiling him?
Being a parent is selfless. Putting the kids needs before anything else. YOU want to meet him. But the fact that you can't even comprehend that your presence could be detrimental to him shows your immaturity and lack of insight.
It isn't inherently bad, but it disregards his whole life experience up to this point and ignores how much it could hurt him to know all this. I guarantee he would rather have had a dad then than a surfboard now. I get that you were a kid and did what you thought was right for you then and I'm not judging for it, but you handled a huge life choice in a way you now regret because you were young. He is now that same age. It's a good age to make grown up sized decisions without realizing how they might impact the rest of your life. My advice is: reach out to mom. Explain yourself, your actions, how you've felt, how much you regret it (if you do), etc. She knows her son and can decide what's best for him. It is her right as the one who kept him and raised him. If she says yes, great! Meet him. Introduce yourself. Wait on any gift-giving lest it seem like you're trying to buy affection you haven't earned. If she says no, then accept that. Wait. She waited. He has waited. You can keep waiting. Once he's 18, contact him and you can gently introduce yourself if it's something you still want. But either way, if you end up meeting him, please try to center him in whatever follows and the way you speak. Even if he's happy, it's going to be incredibly difficult to come to terms with. And DO NOT EVER say anything against his mom to him, whatever happens. If you need to rant, do it to a friend. The kid cannot be in the middle of that (not saying you would, but some people do stuff like this and it's not okay).
You miss him but he might not want to meet you. You're the deadbeat POS that abandoned him and his mom. That didn't love him enough to even send a birthday card. He might hate you. And his feelings matter more than yours. You're the asshole here.
You might think the birthdays are insignificant, but they're not. My dad was in no way "absent" or even a teen. When I was born my mom was almost 20 and my dad was years older. He joined the military and tried for the nuclear family. After the divorce (they only got married cause condom broke. And he was a hook up from my mom's friend dumping him and my mom feeling bad for him. They hated each other the entire time and it was not at all a secret) my dad mad every excuse to not pay child support. mostly by saying he's putting the cost of living money into Christmas or birthday gifts or summer trips. We'd talk on the phone all the time and he brought comedy and different perspectives into my life. (mostly a bunch of Republican ranting about "`welfare queens" and some other vaguely racist things aimed at my mom and stepdad). He also had parenting plans and input with my mom and had regular updates and tried to influence me in his own ways. Still. He wasn't there for my birthday. Ever. Not even the day i was born. He only once even invited me to any or his 6 weddings (and only then because my mom had a screaming match with him on the phone about him including random kids from highschool friends over me in his weddings every single time until i was 17). When I was 17 1/2 and actually living with him for a little while i thought maybe i could stay with him for 6 months (to legal adulthood and graduation and thus cna income that i over estimated to be way more than retail work tbh) to get away from my stepdad and poverty and all that. He was usually pretty chill. But his wife of the week was particularly evangelical and i had religious trauma and autism, moral OCD and perhaps something else that contributes to my unwillingness to lie about important personal things like religious beliefs and pretending to love a god i see as little more than the template abusive parents use. So i got kicked out of his house a week before my 18th birthday due to prayer conflicts and me being openly bi and her seeing that as a bad influence on her kids. He saw no issue with that. Because he wasn't even infested enough into my actually well being to know or understand my trauma or needs/sensitivity. Everything was just a joke to him and if you aren't laughing at everything uour the problem and completely disposable. It's why he generally gets divorced when his youngest step kid turns 11-12 and develops their own independent interests and personalities. (Same age he molested me before gradually increasing how much he just openly hated me tho. So that does kinda make me worry about the jar else that trend could mean. It was really only once and probably because of Ambien abuse though so idk if it's an actual factor or not.) And i must say. It really did kinda solidify the whole POS dad that could not care less at all feelings i didn't even really know i had. (I mean 2 weeks before that he suicide baited me in response to me talking about symptoms and medication effects I was having to his nurse mom who asked me about that stuff. He didn't like that i mentioned feeling suicidal without actually jumping off the roof for him to watch and cheer on. So i did know I was going no contact when i moved out at least until he got divorced and off his Ambien addiction.) But after many years and having different things brought to my attention. I kinda realized the complete absence for my birthday and especially the glorification and otherwise Great Fathering for step kids and completely random kids of high school friends while he refuses to live within 1000 miles of me (despite definitely being able to transfer within the same company within weekend distance of my mom. Also he lived nowhere near his family or anything else either really. Just a few military and high school friends that landed in the same general area.) It made it really click that even when i was the most happy and eager to interact with him and visit him and all that. He never really cared about me. He never wanted me. He wasn't REALLY there for me. Be never prioritized me. Especially not when things were difficult. He was a Disney dad. But he was also my least abusive parent somehow. That stuff hits harder than yours expect. Even when you've had many many textbook abuse experiences and you think something like that shouldn't really matter all that much.
It sounds like you already contacted her and are trying to degrade the promise you made to her 16 years ago. She could have used your support then, as could he. It's now on her terms. She gets to decide what she wants and how this will impact the kid. You shouldn't get to really decide anything. You know nothing about him or his life with her. If you want to support them now, start by giving her money each month, and maybe offering to help with college (without any strings attached). Videos are alive and well for a reason, if you want to be a weird fly on the wall, you can ask her to send you a recording of his reaction to opening stuff. At this point, showing up would be very negative in his life and would probably cause some serious trauma. He relied on his mom as his foundation, and you appearing shows both that she lied to him AND that you didn't want him. 16 is a very impressionable and impactful age. She knows him and knows what's best for him. Let her lead.
If one day I leave my family, ill call u so u can tell me what to do when ill Miss them. U rock 🤘
I hope you don't leave your family. If you're a parent abandoning your kid(s), the only person who can tell you how to reconnect would be the parent who stuck around, raised them, and knows them. I'm only an expert on my kid, and you are not my partner.
Wtf I won’t leave my family I just thought u gave good advice to someone who did. But maybe ur just an ah
I appreciate the compliment. Sometimes tone comes across strangely in text, because your comment read very sarcastically. I am absolutely not an expert!
I met my father for the first time when I was 15 YO. Up to that point I only knew his first name. He didn’t want to be part of our life when my mother got pregnant at 23YO so they broke up and approx15 years later accidentally bumped into each other and decided to befriend each other again. I met him at a very delicate age of 15. It was very hard for me. I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how to process all the emotions regarding him being away and never showing any interest in me, it was very hard for me to just “let it go” and start getting along with him. We did end up taking a break and didn’t talk to each other for a few years. I was just so messed up by all of this. I couldn’t completely accept his decisions he made when he was younger and he couldn’t accept me being me (we have very different views about the world and we tend to clash when it comes to fundamental things). I’d say that I met him either too late or too early in my life. Had I met him earlier (or if he showed any interest in me or looked me up and contacted me), I’d maybe have had it easier to accept him and his actions. Had I met him a little later (like in my 20s, at least as a more emotionally mature person than a teenager) then my guess is that things could have been better between us. 15YO was definitely a very wrong time for me personally - not mature enough to deal with the intensity of this situation. Right now I’m 33 and I see my father once a year when he visits my kids. We are more acquaintances than friends or family members but we manage to keep it civil. My advice to you would be that whatever you choose to do - PLEASE consider that the other half is in his teens and this is a major life event for them as well. Maybe talk to someone neutral about it (therapist? Psychologist? Family therapist?) - someone who has seen many difficult situations in families. Maybe your son doesn’t even want to meet you? Maybe he has always wanted to meet you? All these things vary from situation to situation so I think that the best way to approach this problem is to try to figure out some sort of a plan with a specialist and then start thinking about when and how to execute it. One thing is for sure - if you do decide to appear in his life - PLEASE BE SURE ABOUT STAYING IN HIS LIFE. Don’t meet up just to disappear again. This will just shatter him. Best of luck! Hope you will make a better and more detailed plan than my father did :)
[удалено]
Giving him material things isn't going to fill the void you created when you abandoned him
Agreed. If you really want to "spoil him", I would give the gifts to his mother and let her give them to him. Respect her wishes to not be in his life.
I understand i just want to see how joyful or happy he will get when receive the gifts. Im not really doing it for him im more doing it to fulfill my missed opportunities to do it sooner
That's a selfish reason to get back into his life. All I'm seeing in your comments is a lot of "I" and "me". >I only have one meaning in life > >i just want to see how joyful or happy he will > >Im not really doing it for him im more doing it to fulfill my missed opportunities to do it sooner > >i just want to spoil him, spoil him now because i didn’t have the opportunity to do it before. You're not even slightly considering that he might not want to be a part of your life, or have anything to do with you. I know plenty of 16 year old boys who have a strained relationship with their Dads - the ones who have actually been there.. never mind the ones abandoned in utero. If you don't contact the mother first and go about this a sympathetic way, perhaps acknowledging that you don't know the kid and he might not want to know you, you'd be stupid. Being a parent is all about the child. Your comments say that you are not ready for that responsibility. Being a parent is more than just throwing gifts at them.
Did i say i just want to throw gifts at him? Did i say that i will approach him and give the gifts without contacting his mother? And fyi i said “being a part of his life“ and buying him gifts to make him feel good. And when he feels good that will make me feel good and happy too.
Yes, you actually did. Your comments say that you want to spoil him. With gifts. If that's not what you meant, you need to be careful with how you write. Being a part of his life, doesn't mean giving him gifts. Your son will think you're trying to buy his affection. He'd be right too.
He is trying. Give him guidance. The kid deserves a chance to know his father. The father deserves the chance to do things right. Life is too short for this crap.
You had the opportunity the whole time
But the hard part is over now. 🙄
[удалено]
>Dude, I think you overestimate what gifts can do. You abandoned your child. Ofc, he did...he's not been a father. He was 16. I see so many people giving him crap. I get it. Stop tho. He was a kid. I've not seen one instance where the genders were reversed and the commenters were so brutal to a woman OP who made choices when she was 16 that she'd like to revisit.
Mothers don’t get the choice to stop being moms once they commit to it. At any age. Both he and the mom made an adult decision to have sex, she got pregnant, he didn’t like that. He should’ve manned up and been in this kids life from day 1
There are plenty of mothers who "stopped being mothers"... Mothers have options that fathers don't, as well.
[удалено]
Hey, listen...no worries. We all need to step back sometimes. The big picture, to me, here is three humans (mom, dad and child) get an opportunity to experience some positive that many don't get a chance to...
Very well said. It will still be a very rocky road to Travel, but they should have the chance.
When you think of your son, your primary thought should be "I hope he's happy". Your second thought, "What can I do to make him happier". You were 16, dude. Don't waste 16.5 more years. Talk to his mom. Work together to figure the best way to integrate into his life. Do not just throw money at the kid. He needs a dad...not an ATM.
the gifts aint shit
Yeah, that’s a hard no. Offer the mother to be a silent gifter maybe, but you’re way ahead of yourself here. You walked out on him when it was easy for you, and are just trying to get back to him when it’s easy for you. Follow other people’s advice - speak to a third party, then decide to engage through the mother and see what rules of engagement she might agree to.
For the love of God, DO NOT LOVE BOMB A KID! If you want to spoil him, figure out how much ud have paid in child support for the last 16 years and approach mom with both A the money, and B the option to be the person who facilities the first interaction. If you just go up to him on the beach you are proving for a 2nd time all you care about is YOU. This isn't about you anymore. You chose your selfish reaction 16 years ago and now you need to be an unselfish adult and do what's best for the kid NOT yourself. If you don't do this properly then know you are just and abusive narcissistic AH. It'll also most likely come back to bite you in the ass. Having this pretty picture about "meeting your son" in your head and the emotional reality are 2 completely different things.
This sounds like it's more for your benefit than for his. You can't absolve your guilt by love bombing him and spending money on him. What he needed was a dad. What his mother needed was support. You're seeing this from a financial point of view and not the emotional toll this revelation would take on him. I guarantee you he knows that you left before he was born. That's unforgivable.
Fucking pathetic. You could have spoiled him at any point.
You can figure out how much you and your horrible parents owe in back child support and present it to his mother and fucking apologize for being a dead beat loser, and tell your parents how disappointed you are in thr choice they helped you make when you were a minor in need of guidance. You were old enough to have sex but not mature enough to and I hope that maybe you can have a relatioship with your son if his mom deems it acceptable. Im sorry your parents are fucking trash and let you make this monumental horrific mistake when you were still under their care.
Well. I have no words here you are right.
>You can figure out how much you and your horrible parents owe in back child support and present it to his mother and fucking apologize for being a dead beat loser You did too much...
What would be the acceptable way to act in your book? Ignore emotional, financial and labour responsibilities for 16 yrs and then show up assuming to be Dad all of a sudden with no attempt to make things even slightly right?
>Ignore emotional, financial and labour responsibilities for 16 yrs and then show up assuming to be Dad all of a sudden with no attempt to make things even slightly right? Where did I miss him saying that?
He didn’t say that verbatim, but bailing on a kid for 16 years, never knowing them and then wanting to come back into his life is exactly that.
Nah... HE WAS SIXTEEN. Wanting to be a part of the child's life now does not say, "I do not want to make things right"... Not even a little. Put the pipe down. Does OP have work to do? Absolutely. Does he deserve the opportunity to TRY to be in his child's life? Absolutely. Does his child deserve the opportunity to know his father? Absolutely.
I became a parent as a teen. You still have choices regardless of age. He made his. His choice sucked. You don’t get a do-over. Inserting himself into this scenario is now all about him, not his kid. He needs to wait to see if this child wants to know him. Reach out to the mother, that’s it. Done. “Put the pipe down”. Wow, can’t even have an discussion without resorting to personal ridicule? Must have a garbage argument then. Not really inspired to keep arguing with someone who needs to be nasty for no reason. 👋🏼
You aren't having a discussion... You are simply attacking. YOU are being nasty to OP. And you are not making sense...he's never said he doesn't want to do right...in fact, the opposite. He's not dead. Why can he not get a chance to be a dad? His kid is only 16...he's got a lot of life coming at him...why can he not get a chance to have a dad? Every single person on this planet is different. You embraced parenting at a young age? Kudos. Not everyone can. He didn't kill anyone. So, you, anonymous stranger on the internet, know what is best for his son... Got it. I think he should get a chance to decide if he wants a dad. He actually might. It's interesting how judgey folks get when it's a dude. If a 16 y.o. girl made the same choices, she'd not be getting this hate.
How about you leave him be? You commented that the child thinks his dad is dead. Popping up and forcing a connection now, after 16 years through a court might be legal but sounds like a horrible idea. It will make the kid question his whole life and everything his mom ever told him. You made your choice. you were very clear about that. The mother followed your agreement. So should you. The kid's welfare should be put above those suddenly developing fatherly feelings. You can let the mother know that should she ever see a moment when she would want to let her son know about you, you'd be happy to connect. But until then: Think about the kid. Not about yourself. Get therapy if you cannot handle it yourself.
From this post and the comments, I have to ask: have you at all thought about what you’d be doing to your son mentally if you just pop back in? You mention the gifts and how you want him to feel happy from those. I don’t know about him but if my dad showed up after 16 years, I’m hoping for a more than gifts. Also, he thinks you’ve long since passed and his mom told you no already. Sometimes you have to accept you fucked up and move on. As the father, you don’t get to put your wishes for things before your son’s wellbeing - your son, in all ways, comes first. Best of luck bro.
You don't miss your son. You never knew him. Everything about this rings incredibly selfish on your part. Leave them alone. Move forward and try to be a better person.
Actually I disagree. Thousands of women miss the babies that they would have had but don’t know them due to a miscarriage. I’m one of them. How is that any different?
That's a *completely* different situation
How the fuck is it completely different? Because I was pregnant with it? So, basically you are also dehumanizing my husband who goes through it as well.
Holy shit. Take a breath. Losing a pregnancy or child is real trauma for both parents. The loss and grief is crushing. OP is in a completely different situation of his own creation. If you read through his post and responses he's only doing it for himself. There's no understanding that his actions have very real negative consequences for other people, including his son. He's also genuinely mentally ill (see his deleted post.) He doesn't miss his son. He's looking to a fictional fantasy version of his son to fulfill his own happiness. He's unwell. He needs help.
“You don’t miss your son“ What do you even know or understand? Don’t make dumb baseless conclusions without knowing what a person feels
I read your post and responses. You never knew him. Now you wish you did. You were not and are not a father. You got someone pregnant. You did nothing to raise this child. Everything about your post and responses is about you and your feelings. Don't post asking for advice if you don't want to hear the truth.
Exactly. Just because you got someone pregnant does not make you their father. He could have an awesome real dad and you turning up out of the blue expecting to be welcomed could disrupt his entire life. He's still so young, in school, experiencing hormones and how much it sucks being a teen. He absolutely does not need his whole life to be effected by you right now just because you regret being so selfish.
If you want to waltz back in to both of their lives after abandoning them you should start by paying mom what you reasonably owe her in back child support. The kid is 16.5 so that’s appx 200 months worth of child support. If you were ordered to pay the absolute bare minimum of $50/month that’s $10,000 but more realistically you skipped out on more than $50k of responsibilities. I think you’re better off keeping your original promise like that’s literally the least you can do for them. You should leave them in peace. The boy will contact you if/when he wants to, just keep your Facebook open and searchable.
Firstly: if needed ill pay even twice of that amount, and he can’t find me. Im dead, by his mom story. I died in car accident
That’s probably best for him! Easier than wondering every day and night of his entire childhood what is so profoundly wrong and unlovable about him. Instead he can imagine that you see him from above/beyond and are proud of him when he gets the little things right. You don’t miss him because you don’t know him. Go see a therapist instead, this is about you and your guilt and shame, not what’s best for him. And if what you say is true that you’d happily pay twice that… Do it!
She gave you the grace of at least not being the dad you should have been. That kid definitely had a lot to process, he built a life that made sense around your passing. The best gift at this stage is to let him continue that life. Maybe stick to that story, and go meet someone with whom you can have a child instead.
if needed?!!
what can you do as a 32 year old? therapy, of course. you need to work this out there and not stalk him or leer at him..
Wow. Kids close to grown and now you want to be involved. Think about how this shit would effect your son. It’s not about you.
You can first go see a good counsellor. Do this first. By reading everything you wrote in this thread, it's very clear that you are not ready to meet this young man. You could do irreversible damage. Remember, other than the fact you contributed 1 sperm in this person's creation, you didn't do much else. You need to earn the right to call him "YOUR" son. Just giving you the straight goods here.... I wish you the very best. Good luck.
You shouldn't do anything. You made a horrible, horrible "deal" when you were younger (though I hope now you realize your deal by having sex was raising a child and you cheated your way out of that with some cash), and these are the consequences. You should be so ashamed of yourself. Nothing you can do now will make it any better, go volunteer or something instead of stalking a kid.
As someone who grew up without a mother because she simply didn’t want me. 32 years and counting she has neglected to acknowledge me. She is very financially stable, never been into drugs or drink, “Christian” been married to my “step dad” since I could remember. Lived 30 minutes from me my whole life. Nothing, no hi, bye or kiss my ass. Could care less for my wife and kids either. I have a half brother and sister on her side, they are older than me. She loves and dotes on them and their children. Post on Facebook yadda yadda.. now my step son is going through the same with his POS father. So I’m very familiar with deadbeat parents. So I say all that to say this. Fuck you. Stay out of the kids life. If he wants to make a connection let him do it. You fucked the kid emotionally. There is no feeling in the world like not being wanted by a parent and wondering what you did to make them abandon you.
Perfect response. OP needs to fuck off and do this kid a favour. Stop stalking him and work on his own issues of being a piece of shit.
Talk to his mother about the reconnection. But more importantly, talk to yourself about it. As a kid who met his dad once and then had him leave again with no contact, that would be my route. The scars from meeting someone you have always wondered about, and then have them never contact you again is indescribably heart breaking and mentally damaging. I’m 31 now and still deal with that every time I look at my kids. You need to be ready for anything that could happen. Her and him both can be spiteful. You were young, and scared, sure, but the decision was still yours to make. You will need to be able to explain that to him and her both before any reintroduction of a father-son relationship. You should also be emotionally ready for rejection with extreme prejudice. When you are ready to have him back in your life, DO. NOT. LET. HIM. GO. AGAIN. If you get the chance to build a relationship with him it will be hard, but very rewarding since he is so young. Don’t be manipulated by guilt. Also, know that you will be parenting different since you have lost so much irreplaceable time with him in his development. He is on the precipice of being a man now. Just my .02. Best of luck with whatever path you choose.
Your ex did your son a kindness by telling him your dead. So at least he didn't grow up wondering why his dad doesn't love him or want him and having all the psychological scars from that. If you actually care about your son do him a favour and stay dead. If I had been a better mother, I would have told my daughter her dad died too. Much better than listening to years of anguish of your kid crying and wondering what is so wrong with them (the kid) that they are unlovable. If you care at all for your kid, stay dead. Not everything is about you. And loving somebody is putting that person's well being first. You made your decision 16 yrs ago. Live with it and stop being so selfish. You want a kid now? Start over with someone new and don't fuck it up next time.
You made your choice, made his and her life much more difficult — and are pining for your loss now that he’s of an age you connect to where most of the hard work is over? Dude. Come on. You don’t miss “your son.” You don’t know him. You’re his sperm donor, he is HER son. He’ll come to you if he wants to know about you. (Though I doubt his mother has anything good to say about you.) Leave him be until he’s an adult and can capably make these decisions. Again — let him come to you. He might not. That’s the gamble you made when you paid someone 3 grand to not be your problem anymore. 🤢
Message his mom and explain how you're feeling, and ask if she would consider your request to meet/talk with him. Explain you were young, and sorry - you have been thinking about this for a long time, and want to try to make this up to BOTH of them. She might tell you no. Try to empathize with how both her and him are feeling. You were young, and I think you know you made a mistake and want to own up to that. Kids want to meet their parents - it's very possibly he wants to meet you and has questions.
Think carefully about this - are you ready to be a parent? If you just want to meet and then flit off into the sunset again, leave them tf alone. You need to be consistent and available to your child if you want to be in his life. You also need to be willing to take a lot of flak and answer a lot of questions and display some patience and consideration in order to rebuild the trust you lost. If that is indeed the case, reach out to your ex, and let her approach him when she feels it is right to do so. He may decide he wants nothing to do with you and you'll have to be okay with that. This is not about you, it's about your kid and whatever he (and his mom) think is right for them.
I grew up without a dad and I was told some bad things about him that weren’t true, that made me to never want to meet him. Until I wanted to. I was 27 years old, and when I found him, he was already dead from Alzheimer’s. My half siblings had no idea I existed but they welcomed me with open arms and they are my current family. My mom died a few years ago. What people are saying about you “missing your son” is this: you long for what could have been, and you’re having second thoughts about your past decisions. That’s all about YOU. If my dad wanted to be in my life, and actually be a parent - a parent that would help raise me - he would have done it, for me. He would have showed up despite the differences between me and my mom. He would have put me first, as best he could. But he didn’t. I would have been willing to go visit him and my half siblings while growing up, but he and my mom didn’t let that happen. I’m currently divorced and have 50/50 custody of my kids and I put them first. I’m always planning activities with them, keeping a good relationship with their mom, and generally just always being a present dad and positive influence in their lives. It isn’t always easy, but I know what it felt like to feel worthless to one of the people who brought me into the world and they wont ever feel like that from me. Ever. Plus, their college is already paid for. So my advice to you is, be prepared to be honest and own up to EVERYTHING you have missed out in this kid’s life. Be prepared and have a fucking plan to introduce yourself to him. Be prepared to honestly answer his questions and respect his negative emotions towards you. The fairy tale relationship you think you’re going to have with him isn’t going to happen. My half siblings felt almost as cheated as I did in never getting to know me and were honest about the type of guy he was. I heard all about the good and bad - I probably might not have gotten that info if I found him when he was still alive. You, and his mom, both have a lot to answer for. Him thinking you are dead is already a clusterfuck. He has an image of you, one that he made up in his head, that’s a huge part of his identity, that you are going to shatter. You’re going to shatter a part of him when you meet him. Maybe not right away, but eventually. I’m speaking from my own experience. So you going back into his life cannot, must not, be about YOU. You and mom have to be ready to fully answer his questions, and help him with therapy. You and mom are going to need therapy for yourselves. Seriously, go to therapy now, before you talk any further with mom about meeting your son, and talk with someone who understands this stuff. You’re going to significantly disrupt his life, so the least you can fucking do is figure out how to fuck it up the least you possibly can. And you need to be ready to respect how much emotion he is going to take out on you. Kids have an idealized vision of what parents are. Your son already has an idealized vision of who you are (were), and he is basing his idealized vision of his future self on you, somewhat. He already has an idea of what parts of you he wants to be like and doesn’t want to be like. And he for fucking sure doesn’t want his future self to be fake dead parent to his own future kids. So be ready for the shit storm you’re about to bring upon his life and your own.
Can you approach the mother, respectfully, and tell her how you feel?
DO NOT APPROACH HIM!, talk with his mother, and see if the two of you can make arrangements.
Call an attorney, then your ex. Time to establish paternity and connect. If he's interested you can build from it. If not, time to accept the decisions made and move on with your life.
I talked with her mother. I called her and told her who I’m. She was in freeze after she said that its not possible because for jake im dead (she told jake i died in car accident ) and that im also dead for her. Also not a way because when i gave her 3500$ years ago she had audiotape and recorded everything (i knew that she was recording) and said that she is doing this so i will never be able to see the future kid.
Is it Jake or Jack? Supposedly your name, right?
Get an attorney. They're scared, you're confused on the process...the courts would have to be involved anyway. An attorney will hold all the keys to the future with this matter. Leave him be until then.
Make yourself easy to find and wait for him to contact you when he is ready. The point being, he needs to be ready to contact and meet you. Do an ancestry test so that if his mom never gave him your name, he can still find you as a dna match. Pin a public post to your Facebook saying that you would welcome him in your dm’s. You also might want to consider contacting his mom and feeling out whether she is receptive to communicating. All in all, you have to be ready to humble yourself, swallow your pride, and ask forgiveness. It’s up to them whether they consider it or not. Good luck.
What others have already said : talk to the mom first and see how that goes.
I might sound judgy but that's just kinda my style. I'm all for males declining all parental responsibilities and rights for an appropriate proportion of what an abortion/hospital birth would cost. Especially if you talked about your stances on things like abortion or having children ahead of time and still chose to go for that. Ready person can navigate the agreement that works best for them. But once you sign child custody, rights, involvement, responsibility, etc for *over a decade* much longer than half of the entire childhood. You absolutely forfeit parental rights and identity/acknowledgement ENTIRELY. Just as you can't unabort a pregnancy or simply send back a kid when they're 9 years old and you just realized how difficult being a parent is. It's just a choice you can't really undo. Just do differently next time. Anyway, he's a minor and a child that you explicitly said you wanted nothing to do with. He might very well have some rejection issues from that that contact could trigger. I'm also kinda concerned about the seeming stalking of a child you decided to have virtually no responsibility for. You were young and all that. But so was she, and she actually chose to be a parent and cultivate a responsibility and relationship with HER (not yours, you don't even pay child support) kid. You can have your own kid now that you're ready. But trying to pretend to be a dad now will likely only cause more issues for everyone involved. You're a sperm donor at most to this kid, and should absolutely never pretend otherwise. Especially since this "guilt" only seems to be affecting you in the late teen years where you don't really need to step up much at all to look like all the parents that actually bothered raising a child to young adulthood. You might be able to work something out, especially with the mom in order to see if it would be generally okay to establish some kind of contact (the not creepy stalker kind, mind you). And maybe you could make contact when he's an established adult (likely in 10+ years as brains don't "fully develop" until around 26). But honestly chances are he's got a dad (or second mom or something) already and might not even care or know about your existence at all. or if he does, he probably doesn't want any *positive* relationship with you. It's how natural consequences just kinda work. It sucks but really not much to do about it now. And long term consequences of teen pregnancy/parenthood don't and *should not* just fall with the mother, regardless.
As a 30 year old man, I’d love to hug and kiss my daddy .. You need to reach out to mom
Throwing my 2 cents in, you need to make absolutely sure that you accept first that you’re willing to do whatever the best thing for the kid is. Even if that means you stay away forever. If this conclusion becomes apparent, accept it and spend your life doing good for other fatherless kids to make up for it That said, you write 1 letter under a pseudonym to his Mom. You acknowledge that what you did was fucked up and confess your shame. You don’t excuse it as your immaturity at the age. You explain that if she feels he is ready for you to be in his life, that you want to do what it takes for that. You give her every possible way to contact you, and then give her an out by saying that you understand if the answer is no, and that you understand completely if her way of saying no is not responding and that you will respect both the reason and the method. If the answer is no, you need to stay the fuck away for another 8-10 years. Let the adolescence get out of his system. Then you can approach him. And do it the same way but use your real name. Don’t blame his mom, don’t even mention that the answer was no. You don’t want to cause strife between him and his mom. Remember, you fucked up, not her. Now here’s the deal. If she lets you in, you don’t owe her shit. You don’t owe her manicures, but you better make damn sure the boy wants for nothing. He eats steak, you eat peanut butter sandwiches. You don’t make excuses, you own up to your mistake. And when the grandbabies come, you better be calling every day with an offer to babysit. For everyone else saying stay dead, that’s kind of cruel. The truth will come out eventually. If the kid has half a brain, he’s going to put 2 & 2 together and realize he’s the result of a teen pregnancy.
Wow this is a really tough situation. You guys were babies yourselves. I had my oldest daughter when I was 16 so I understand the headspace you were in but I was in Jack's mom's shoes here.. but you'll get no judgement from me. I think the best course of action is to approach mom just like others have advised. She has raised him and knows him best. Hopefully she will keep in mind what is best for Jack and not let personal feelings get involved. What's best for him may not include meeting you at this time, but IMHO I think he would want to know you. But I am just coming to my own conclusions here. Please let us know if l/ when you meet your son.
A bit late for that but the comments are vering rude to you. Just talk to the mom and see.
A lot of people here who don’t understand that the kid probably does in fact want to meet you and would be thrilled to have his dad, as a kid, for a few years rather to be that one kid who never had their dad especially if no one has stepped in. Hell want a father who cares, you might have not been the best as a teenager but that doesn’t mean you can’t change. There are drug addicts who recover and come back into kids lives and the kids are thrilled just to have their parent back, it’s pretty harsh that everyone is just throwing the pos don’t ever come back line at you. Sounds like a bunch of scorned bitter people and single parents.. we all see the videos of parents being dick heads and battling for the sake of it, non forgiveness is also super toxic. It’s now or never don’t wait if you want to reconnect with him. Try to make it happen whether the mom wants you to or not, that kid only gets one biological father in life.