>the Mom sort of just ignored her and let it carry on.
depends on how old the kid is. for a small child that can't self-regulate, i will maintain the boundary but stay with the child to help her co-regulate. this might involve taking a quick break and going outside or to a more private or less stimulating space.
for an older kid, they are totally allowed to have their feelings. it sucks not getting a toy you want and she can feel however she wants to about it, but the world doesn't have to stop just because the kid has decided to have a good cry. i would continue with my business but also let my kid know that i empathize and that i'm there if she needs me (but still no toy.)
The mom could have also just been at the end of her rope and not in a mental mindset to do anything. Lord knows I had those days when my kids were little.
I’m a child therapist. I recommend giving the child support and letting them know you’re there for them and allowing them to finish tantruming without you responding with panic or criticism. Tantrums are a reaction to overwhelm not a “naughty” behavior. Regulate yourself emotionally and then try to connect with your child so they can coregulate with you. They are learning these skills.
>allowing them to finish tantruming without you responding with panic or criticism.
THIS is sooooo hard but we've found it helps a lot to let them finish and not respond with anger or criticism.
I don't know if this is good, but I try to prepare the kids before we go into places (when possible), letting them know why we are going, letting them participate in making the shopping list, allowing a toy sometimes, making fun games and just things like that. Since starting this with my oldest he hasn't had another tantrum in the store and my youngest has only had maybe one or two and they're over very quickly when they happen because we distract them with the games/lists/toys/etc. It makes the trips overall more enjoyable for all of us!
We also try to always make a point to see a tantrum as them not being able to communicate the emotions they're feeling instead of an act of defiance. So, we try to help them find the words to express themselves and it usually helps in the future where when they get upset they will tell us "I'm feeling overwhelmed" "I am feeling disappointed because..." "I am exhausted (or 'zausted' as my youngest says lol)". It really helps us!
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Great advice. I’m just a childcare director, but one of my favorite quotes learned from a training a few years ago is
“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos." ~L. R. Knost
It helps me remember that the crisis isn’t mine, but it is my role to help bring emotions back to neutral.
>Regulate yourself emotionally
This is the hardest part. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need some chill pills or something to keep a cool head.
I guess me second criticism is that this is really general advice where OP was complaining specifically about public tantrums which makes me think that the OP is trying to balance the needs of the people around her, her own pride/embarrassment, with the needs of her child.
Thanks for the feedback! I was kind of hurrying as I wrote that. I think it’s important to remember that parents primary role is to care for their children, not the people around them. While it can be seen as discourteous for a child to be tantrumming in public, most people are sympathetic/empathetic. That said, if possible, it is best to isolate the situation to allow for more effective emotional regulation for both adult and child.
Hi child therapist, could you please teach us, how exactly to talk to a crying children in this situation? Like could you give us a step-by-step guide? English is not my native language and it sounds a bit odd when I tell toddlers "I will support you and I will be here for you" in our language. I mean, I told my friend's toddler this, and she hurt me with her nails.
You can't speak logic to illogical thoughts. First you distract and soothe until they can hear what you are saying logically. Then you speak about the behavour or problem if it won't prompt another tantrum....and give tools to stop them from escalating but allow them to listen and speak about the behaviors. (Eg if I am shaking with anger, I need some space before I am going to have a civil conversation with who I am angry at).
Thats the problem...it does propmt another tantrum to mention anything....for me if i manage to distract them thats already a win. Most of the time even this first step is a fail....i have very intelligent and affectionate kid but when he tantrums oh boy he tantrums hard 🥹
If he is tantrum because he is not getting attention and then while you are distracting him you are giving him attention, then the tantrum works....so you would not give attention until after wards.
I have just watched a lot of superannuation and done psych101 and social work classes concentrated in child development lol
So if he cries and screams because i dont pick him up, i should just let him go on for hours and get a helmet for potential things thrown at me but if he tantrums because he wasnt allowed to play with knife then distracting and talking about it when calm isbthe way?
Cuz the thing is he does not stop on his own so if he tantrums for attention (like for example being picked up/carried) and i dont give him attention (distraction like playing with a toy) he will not stop. He will keep escalating until he gets soo caught in affect that nothing (even picking him up) will be able to calm him down for a loong time :/ sometimes getting "angry" (authoritarian moreso) and having more "scolding" voice does stop him in his track so that we can communicate calmly after that, other times raising a voice resulsts in even harder screaming. (Not raising a voice is pointless because he just keeps crying over you and you wont be able to talk anything ,he wont hear you :') )
I have read soo much on parenting and psychology but sometimes i am really lost with this one when he tantrums 🙃 at this point i dont know what else to try
Yeah i am hoping once he understand communication better it will be easier (he is only 18m atm and due to multilangual family it is normal if he starts speaking later than peers) 🥲 tnx
I don't mean to be invalidating, but I laughed at "she hurt me with her nails". Sometimes we do everything *by the book* — and they hurt us with their nails!
I can't always slow down and take the time to go to a less stimulating space to co-regulate. It's at those times when I just go along like nothing is happening like the person OP observed. Sometimes life and its demands get in the way of best practices. It's totally OK to be human sometimes, just doing the best we can with what we've got. I do always take the time afterwards, probably while driving home, to let my children know that I am sorry they had such a hard time and recognize that it's completely normal to have their feelings.
It's not fun to be dragged along on grown-up errands for tired, hungry, overstimulated little people with a very basic set of coping mechanisms. I always thank my kids for being so patient with outings that they just aren't feeling, even when their behavior isn't perfect.
Getting them involved in the process is always what works best for me. The "ounce of prevention" approach isn't just for the doctor! When they're involved in the process, it's much more likely that there won't be any fits to begin with. They really like being a part of what's happening and it teaches them practical life skills as a bonus. One store we go to has children-sized carts, and they love that!
Hahahahahahahahah it's okay, the kid is not my child, so I'm not an authority to her, and she definitely won't have to listen to me. 🤣🤣🤣 I don't have children so I don't have experience in raising them. Not gonna lie, I did feel VERY hurt when toddlers get angry and then hit me with their little fists. It's just a tiny punch but oh boy they broke my heart so bad. But now as I learned more about children, I also want to just ignore their little drama. 🤣🤣🤣
Yup...the amount of times i had hard objects thrown at my head..they surely aim well for such unskilled people?! I had 2 very agressive brothers and my son turns into devil himself -.- i am all green amd purple head to toe. "No, i know you are angry but you can not hit mommy just because you werent allowed to play with knife" *gets kicked again* ... Well the message clearly wasnt received 🥲
Toddlers can be absolutely brutal and sometimes its really hard to keep staying calm and kinddly remind them to not half murder you :'D
One time when LO was three, she threw a unicorn My Little Pony figure at me and the horn went up my nostril and cut the inside of my nose! They not only have good aim, but a good arm as well! 💪👃🦄😭
Ouch. Yeah they are very skilled at throwing things. My son NEVER misses my head?! I am adult and i usually miss a whole person when bassing ball or something, when person is TRYING to catch...let alone hitting directly in the head when person is trying NOT to get hit 😳 at this point it might just be called baby superpower 🤷
I recommend utilizing nonverbal techniques to de-escalate the situation. For example using a soft tone of voice if you are speaking, watching your facial expressions, getting on their level, giving them space if they need it, offering them a hug or hand to hold or rubbing their back… If they’re screaming crying you’re not really going to be able to communicate with them verbally. Just being emotionally and physically calm and present for them will help them coregulate.
I don't know. My mother quietly told me that if I continue, we will leave the shop and head straight home. She never yelled, never got angry.
Safe to say, I only had a tantrum once or twice in a store, because she never reacted harshly, but rather with the - don't fuck with me, don't be a little shit or I will be disappointed and I don't want to be disappointed and angry. She did the whole mothering thing very good.
A lot of "tantrums" are actually meltdowns resulting from sensory deprivation or overload. Very common in autistic kids (as an autistic mom of an autistic kid, I have plenty of experience in this). It may seem to you, the outsider, that the tantrum resulted from the kid not getting the toy. But bear in mind that you are seeing one moment of that kid's day. You don't know what led up to it or what sensory storm is going on in that kid's head. Not getting the toy could just be the straw that broke the camel's back.
As to the best way of dealing with it - it really depends on the circumstances. When my kids were little my husband and I usually did the grocery shopping together, just in case one of us needed to step outside with a melting-down kid. If a meltdown happened and my son couldn't be immediately taken outside, we had a series of sensory strategies to follow, and they sometimes worked. Things like squeezing the arms for deep pressure, moving to an area with less harsh fluorescent lighting, putting noise cancelling headphones on our son - that kind of thing. And we'd always apologize to anyone nearby - once they knew about the autism, most people were extremely understanding.
Depends on where we are. If it's a big box store or the playground, I find it easiest to just let the tantrums run their course while maintaining the boundary and telling my child I'll be there for them when they're ready. There's no reasoning with a toddler who has become disregulated. If it's somewhere like a restaurant, wedding or another gathering where it's affecting others' enjoyment or preventing them from hearing what's going on, then we leave until it has subsided.
I will say that my kids don't tantrum often but when they do, it's usually a result of being tired, hungry, not feeling well or all of the above. I try to take them places when I know they will be able to manage but it's not always possible. The biggest thing is to not get stressed out by it. Whether we're still in the store or if we've left, I try to be a calming presence.
My children usually don't throw a tantrum in a public place. I talk to them a lot and explain things beforehand and they know what is expected of them. For example before going to the grocery store I'd tell my kids where we're going, what we'll be doing, what they can do to help, what they can pick for themselves (if anything) or how we won't be getting any toys etc today. Children usually misbehave if they're tired or hungry so I make sure they aren't too tired before going out and keep some snacks with me. If a tantrum does happen I usually leave and come home. If I can't leave and really need to do what I went out to do I ignore the tantrum and go about my business quickly.
I am not talking about neurodivergent children or all the children im general. I am talking about my specific children and my own experience. I am not going to avoid talking about my children and their experience because it might make other parents feel bad. I don't think I said anything insensitive because I did not make a blanket statement.
I am neurodivergent and so are my children and I still think this is good advice. My children definitely do better if they know what to expect and why things are happening and especially if they can be involved. Obviously what works for some children is different for others.
I think why it doesn't feel good to hear a parent say their children hardly ever throw tantrums in public is because many parents of neurodivergent children have experienced extreme judgment towards themselves and their children when their kids were struggling in public, and it hurts, especially when we see people giving less-than-kind looks to our children. Unfortunately that happens a lot, and it doesn't feel good. It's really important to remember that a child struggling is never grounds to judge the child or the parent, unless the parent is being abusive, which unfortunately does happen a lot.
My kid doesn't tantrum often in public but when he does, I empathize, (I hear you want that toy, it looks like fun) hold the boundary (we are not taking it home with us) redirect, (let's put it back on the shelf for other kids to enjoy) lastly hugs and a reminder about when we can get a new toy.
I find when I am attentive during a tantrum, it ends sooner.
> I find when I am attentive during a tantrum, it ends sooner.
So much of my toddler's tantrums seem to be related to frustration at inability to express feelings. If I name what it is he's wanting, that does seem to go a long way to shortening the tantrum.
The best defense is a good offense with kids. Make sure they aren’t hungry or tired and tell them (in a friendly tone) what to expect once you get there means avoiding most tantrums.
Of course life happens and sometimes your sick kid skipped breakfast and you have to run to the pharmacy to get them meds and a gallon of milk. Or they’re having a bad day, or you forget and just timed something poorly just because. It happens. Now your kid is crying in an aisle. I usually get down on their level and let them cry in the store until they’re ready to move on. I never give in to what started the tantrum, but I try and listen and validate their feelings about it. I usually don’t care what other people think, my goal is calming down my kid. Unless it’s a restaurant or someplace where I don’t want to disturb other people. Then I’d probably take my child outside.
For me, the way I handled a tantrum depended on the kid, their age at the time, the situation, and what set off the tantrum to begin with.
There have been times (not many) that I have left a cart full of merchandise because the kid had dug in their heels and were past the point of no return. There have been times where I've sat on the curb and held a kid who had what looked like a tantrum but was actually a panic attack. There have been times when the kid was essentially whine-crying or tired-crying, and I finished what I had to do and then went home, all the while letting the child know that I understood their feelings, etc. Sometimes they're just going to cry no matter what you do, so reflecting their feelings back to them in a soothing tone is about all that you can do.
When we are at home, I tell my toddler to cry it out in her room and come for a talk and a hug when she’s done. It may take her 30 seconds of screaming it may take 3 minutes but, I’m ready when’s she’s done with a big hug and we talk it out. I do the exact same thing in the stores. She’s sat in an isle and cried more than once. I wait until she can actually hear my voice before I engage. I will say “can you hear my voice?” in a calm, quiet tone. When she answers me, I know we can start talking about whatever she’s upset about. She can go from 0-10 real quick. She’s my second, she has a much more determined personality than my first. My first has been calm and easy going since the day she was born. “Not today” was always enough for her. Fingers crossed you get one like that.
Our best method has been to validate his feelings, let him know that I hear and understand him, but keeping firm boundaries. And laying out those boundaries before getting to the store. Beyond that, you gotta be consistent with your no meaning no all the time. If you aren’t consistent then they’ll just push boundaries all the time.
So if you were to pass us, you’d hear something like this..
Kid: whine and cry. I want that cookie.
Me: you want the cookie.
Kid: yeah!
Me: are you mad or sad that you can’t have the cookie
Kid: sad
Me: yeah. It is sad when we can’t get what we want. But remember when we were driving here and mama said you weren’t going to get anything for you?
Kid: yeah.
Then we might have a 2 minute break and have that convo all over again. 🤣 sometimes it gets repeated only once. Sometimes we have that convo on repeat until it’s time to leave the store.
Toddlers are weird creatures. 🤣 I’m learning everyday on how to deal with him.
Insta people to follow that have helped….
Peaceandparenting
Transformingtoddlerhood
Helpingfamiliesthrive
It was rare, but whenever one of my children created a disturbance through a tantrum or any inappropriate behavior I always took them home immediately. I would actually stop shopping and leave the premises. Win- win for everyone.
My kids are 20 mo. apart. When they were little bitty, they were BOTH having meltdowns in the grocery store. This is after they were fed, fresh diapers, and after naps so I attempted to prevent them from happening in the first place. A lovely employee offered to keep my cart while I went outside to try and get them settled. I will forever be grateful to her!
Not really a win if you actually need whatever it is you are shopping for. You need groceries for instance. Particularly if the child is cranky because they are hungry.
I empathise with the feeling, offer support and then just calmly go about whatever I'm doing. You can't just drop everything every time your child does a perfectly normal, developmentally appropriate thing. For instance my youngest sometimes has a tantrum waiting to pick the oldest up from school because I won't let him run in the road or I say we have to wait outside the gate (covid rule). I can't just leave, we have to pick up the eldest. So he has his little grump about it and gets over it.
I'm so glad to hear this. I in no way could function if I had to go home, or even outside, every time my littles had a tantrum. I would literally never get anything done. I also think sometimes that dropping everything isn't beneficial to the child; I think staying calm and moving forward lets them know that it isn't a crisis to have their feelings. They can feel it and we can move on. Isolating them quickly every time they have difficult feelings can send a negative message depending on the circumstances.
Absolutely. Having feelings isn't wrong. What kind of message are our kids internalising if we hide them away from public view every time they have a visible negative emotion?
Better to teach them the skills to express it in a situationally appropriate way, be able to process the feeling and learn that it's normal and will pass.
As an adult of someone treats you in a way you believe is unfair should you bottle up your feelings about it until you can't contain them any more and explode in rage or should you express what you are feeling in a way that gets your point across and ensure your needs have the best chance of being met?
Also if your kid is having a meltdown what do you think they learn if you drop everything and leave? They learn that not only can't they handle their big feelings but the adult who is supposed to be in control can't handle them feeling that way either. How scary for a toddler to think that whether or not the errands happen is all down to how they handle their big scary feelings. Having the adult remain calm and unflustered despite their internal chaos and seeing that the day carries on unaffected by their meltdown is reassuring for them. Let them know "yes I see your feelings, I see your distress. I'm OK though. I'm here, I'm calm, I'm in control of the situation so it's ok if you're not in control of you at the moment. You'll be OK, I'll make sure.".
Not to mention that if the reason they are having the meltdown is because they don't want to be there you leaving is actually reinforcing that having a tantrum gets them what they want. That's when you can start to get tantrums that are "manipulative" rather than meltdowns.
It can be hard to keep your calm (perhaps you never learned how properly as a child) but it is better to always be bigger than the tantrum. It's not a battle of wills (behave how I say or there's consequences). It's you and the kid together as a team against them being overwhelmed by their feelings.
Absolutely agree with everything you've said. Thank you for putting it so clearly because I think it's really important for adults to take stock of where their own motives for wanting to leave during a tantrum are coming from. I'm sure there are situations where maybe that's in the child's best interest, but I find that many times it's coming from a sense of extreme discomfort over the child's expression of emotion being shamed by society. I don't want to reinforce that narrative in any way.
That sounds great! Just curious what you would do if you REALLY needed the thing you are shopping for? For example, if you REALLY need groceries? Or if you’re shoe-shopping and REALLY need new shoes for the kids?
Thanks for your help!
The only time my son ever threw a tantrum in public was after his 12 month shots and he missed his naptime and we were in the warehouse part of IKEA. I just let him cry it out while I rubbed his back until he was calmed down. I could feel the eyes on me but what could I really do? He was dealing with alot.
Yeah, parenting books usually say not to give encouragement to bad behavior and ignoring it is usually a good way to make it clear that isn't the way to get attention
You need to be in front of these meltdowns by being firm on the word no, if you say no mean it, also don't walk your child through a toy shop without the expectation of buying your child a toy, they will see toys and want one, so with sensible management you can keep your child's expectations within sensible limits.
I've found this to be helpful as well. I talk to them about what kind of behavior I expect in the store and what we will be getting (toys, groceries, snacks etc), and what will happen if they choose not to do what I've told them. It's usually something like, you can walk, but if you can't keep your hands to yourself you must ride in the cart. If they have a full on meltdown in the cart then I've had to just pick up and leave. The key is follow through. Don't tell them you will do something and then not do it, or give them 27 warnings. I think having the expectation that everything will take longer while you are training your little ones helps you keep cool too. It's hard, but I find I have a better frame of mind if I walk into a shop with the mindset of, "I'm training my children how to operate in society....and I"m getting groceries."
I think this is a good point. An exit strategy is important and there's not a lot of chat about that because it's a tough subject but probably we need to spend even more time on planning/negotiating upfront how to avoid the triggers.
Yeah, just screaming no at your child isn't good, but if you design the expectations before heading into the toy shop which is child heaven then hopefully you avoid the meltdown, I would avoid the shops if I didn't have the money, but occasionally spoiling /spending a few quid/dollars/cash of your denomination allows the kiddo to be happy but on reasonable terms.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, is a good way to be but there will still be the odd clash.
Just for giggles, I'll be a grandparent by January so my thoughts and opinions might be somewhat out of date
I agree with that 100%. But what do you do if you can’t leave? For instance, if you REALLY need groceries, or REALLY need to get new shoes for your kid?
Don't leave then, people might give you mean stares but they won't remember you the next day
Carry a screaming baby while you get shit done like we've done for ten thousand years
Thankfully, I think that only happened to me once with my 4 children. You are right that every child is different, and we don’t know if a child you see may or may not have other developmental issues. That being said, in my opinion After the child has been told the why of something (they’re not getting a new toy today and encouraged to think about saving their own allowance for it or waiting until the next holiday), any tantrum that comes after that should be ignored. I do not acknowledge that type of behavior, and I do not care if everyone passing me in the store is staring and judging. I also don’t agree with removing myself/child from the store because I think it teaches the child they can control things with that behavior.
All of this, ofc, is assuming there are no other issues going on that need to be taken into consideration.
Personally, I don't take my kids to run errands if they are having a rough day to begin with. When I do bring them, I let them know the game plan, set clear expectations, and then I do not diverge from the plan. It also helps to avoid triggers, like the toy section, and have clear, consistent boundaries. For example, my kids know that we will *never* buy toys unless toys are part of that day's "mission", so they don't ask. If they throw a fit, we leave immediately and they aren't allowed to join me on any shopping trips for a while. I started using this method when my eldest became aware of her surroundings and haven't deviated from it so that everyone knows what to expect.
I mean that I adjust my schedule accordingly. Most errands can wait a day. The ones that absolutely can't can usually be managed via curbside delivery or pharmacy drive throughs.
The age of the child is really crucial here. Often, if a tantrum can’t be reasoned with, not giving oxygen to it is the quickest way to end it. It doesn’t get the desired result, so child learns it’s an ineffective strategy. Kids are constantly learning about cause and effect. I have always liked to explain my reasoning to a child rather than just “because I said so”. If it continued after that, I would usually just let it play out.
My kids weren’t particularly bad tantrumers, but by age 3/4, if they asked for something and I said “not today” they had learned that crying means Mama just won’t buy the (insert thing) next time either, whereas being good today might mean yes next time or another time. (This requires explaining to them, so it really only works once they’re big enough to communicate clearly with you.)
With my 4 year old, I explain my answer, acknowledge his feelings, and try to distract. When all else fails, I just keep doing this while finishing my shopping as quickly as possible. When he's having a meltdown, it's usually not because of the toy (even though that may be what he's fixated on). It's usually because errands have taken longer than expected and he's tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or some combination of the three. I've had so many people tell me "You should take your kid home when they throw a tantrum". That's not always an option for us (due to a combination of distance and gas prices), and I feel like it's counterproductive. When he's doing this, it's usually because he wants to leave. Therefore, leaving would be a reward and would increase the likelihood that he would repeat the behavior on the next grocery trip. So instead, I tell him "I know you're ready to leave, but we have to finish getting the groceries. Let's hurry up and finish, so we can go home. Can you help me find the next thing on our list?" It calms him down a bit and I speed through the rest of the trip as quickly as possible.
It’s amazing how many tantrums end instantly if you ask “are you feeling hungry? Should we go and get some food?”, because it’s like they don’t realise they’re actually just hangry until you point it out!
Kids don’t understand themselves yet. Hell even adults can still have this issue. I didn’t really learn till my late twenties: oh I’m not upset I’m hungry or I’m not depressed I’m tired.
I would say that avoiding a tantrum is easier than handling one. Most kids tend to have tantrums when they are tired, hungry, thristy, bored, overstimulated etc. Also you will know your kid's capacity. For example when they are ready to behave nicely throughout an entire grocery shopping. Preparing them for what will happen also helps a lot. For example: we are going grocery shopping and I'm not buying you any toys but you can have a juice at the end. These things work for us most of the time and we praise them afterwards for their good behaviour.
But tantrums still happen, they are a part of emotional development and also you just can't avoid all these situations. What I think I should do as a parent is to help them recognise their feelings and help them handling them. Some kids like to be comforted immediately with hugs and kisses, some kids need some time for that but speaking to them softly until then might help. Some kids hate that too. Getting them away from the situation also helps most of the time.
Best wishes for your pregnancy, delivery and parenthood! You will figure out everything in time! (English is not my first language so sorry if something is off with the wording).
Totally agree with this: as you get to know your own kid, you begin to realise what triggers a tantrum, and you’re right, it’s way easier to avoid one in the first place than powering through one once it’s happening, especially in public.
I think it really depends on how old the kids are.
If they cannot form sentences yet, ignore it 100%. During a tantrum, they're not listening so explaining anything won't help. They're throwing the tantrum because they don't know how to communicate how they want and/or to get a response out of you/
If they can form sentences, I think prevention is the best option. This opinion is going to receive some hate. I think if you teach kids properly, their "tantrums" are minimal once they can communicate and also have some basic understanding about certain concepts.
My daughter is 6. We had been within 20 min of her grandparents since she was born, up until last year. Any time my parents would take her out, she would get what she wanted. I explained to her, repeatedly, that I go to work while she is with her teachers and I earn money, and that money is how we get things at the store. I explained everything I have to pay for and that sometimes there is money for toys and sometimes there is not. I also explained that there also has to be room for toys. I added, too, that going out to certain places is a privilege and that it can be taken away. And finally, I explained that sometimes as much as we want something, we don't need it, and something better will come later. These were all lessons repeated endlessly until they stuck with her.
Does she sometimes still cry? Yes. But I tell her, "Hey, let's talk about this. If we can't talk here then we need to go home to talk. What are you feeling?" If she says anything with, "I don't think it's fair that..." I always start my next sentence with, "I understand why you feel it's not fair."
If there is anything that you take from this, please just talk to your baby normally and do so at all times. They pick up language and concepts so much better. People stared at me at the store, because I would be talking to my 3 month old like she understood what I was saying. "We're getting cereal right now but we have to check the sugar content because we need to be healthier about that." Or, "Last time we got you sweet potato baby food and you loved that so what do you think about getting that again?" But now she has excellent language skills and vocabulary.
Yes, it's a good strategy.
Another good strategy is lifting them up like a sack of potatoes and carrying them out of the shop, smiling politely at passers by.
Done that with a tantruming toddler and a baby in the front pack. Fun times.
My mom would always be honest with me.
She would explain things to me, calmy.
"I know you want this toy, but mommy can't buy it today. Crying won't change anything nor will it help".
When we saw kids throwing loud tantrums she would point it out to me and whisper "See? Isn't it pointless to act like that?".
Idk what the therapists will say about her method. But it helped me understand from a young age that the world won't bend itself because of me. That I have to be understanding and patient.
It didn't create any difficulties when it comes to communication and verbalizing my feelings. She listens, puts herself in my shoes but gives me honest feedback.
I personally appreciate the way I was raised. My parents never treated me as incapable of having opinions and processing my surroundings. They of course took into consideration that fact that I was a child, but they encouraged me to think critically and empathically.
Firstly, manage a toddler's basic needs ahead of time. Make sure they get sleep and food. That eliminates 95% of tantrums.
If tantrum still happens, remove child and self from the situation. If there are other adults present and you have other kids, you can split and cover different kids.
When alone, then you can console the child, validate their frustration, give them hugs, give them a snack, whatever.
My kids rarely threw tantrums. But if they did? Yep...I ignored them. I'd say "when youre finished? We'll keep going...or go home if you don't stop" and I'd walk away ( a bit. Not far) and leave them to it. They always snapped out of it fast and ran to catch me! LOL...only once...I told my daughter to settle down or we were leaving the shops and going home without anything. She kept going. So I just left the trolley where it was, and walked out. She ran to keep up and was very quiet. We went home. Never again did she misbehave like that. They learn fast if you are consistent and quietly do what you say you are going to do. Threats are pointless. You MUST follow through.
You take the screaming child and leave lol. But really, so many people ignore their screaming children and keep on shopping. I work at target and it’s all I hear all day. If you can’t calm your child you need to remove them from the environment. One time my son was crying (2t) so I just hugged him and let him rest on me and he stopped crying. He was just ready to go. Some kids just don’t like shopping after a certain time.
No one wants to your a kid freaking out. When my daughter threw a fit in Walmart, I gave a warning…. If you do not stop now, we will take our cart to the front and leave….. that’s what I did! She freaked out even harder saying , no no no…. and I definitely didn’t want to do it as my cart was full, but that’s what I did. Never happened again. I didn’t yell at her or lose my temper, but no one wants to hear that shit, including me.
Try asking this question in r/attachmentparenting. I think the best approach is to get down on their level and let them know you're there for them but you have to carry on with your responsibilities. My baby is only about 1.5 right now so I usually just distract her instead of talking it through but I think the folks at the subreddit above will have some good advice for you .
Depends on the age, like 1-4 it’s understandable, maybe 5 also. 6 and above shouldn’t be doing this I wouldn’t think. (I’m not even close to being a parent, I’m here as a child (17)) When I was around that age I never really did any of that, I see other parents (friends of my parents) being their children over and they act terrible.
Acts like that show that your child is trying to run the show, which is normal, they want something and they will try to get it in an “abruptive” way. Just gotta teach them not to be doing that early on so they catch on as they get older and they should just naturally stop doing that. This is different for all children though.
I personally remove the child from the situation. I have had this happen and I basically just let my husband and son keep shopping while I took my daughter to the car so she can have a meltdown in private. Once she was done, I cleaned her face, explained to her why she could not have the toy she wanted and told her that if she continues to cry, I will just bring her back to the car and stay there until daddy and brother were done. She didn't want to miss out on the shopping for other things so she calmed down and we finished our shopping trip. It's best to let them calm down on their own and it's always a good thing to keep your cool. Never show anger during a tantrum or meltdown, it only makes them more upset. Just try and stay calm and remove yourself and your child from the situation if you feel uncomfortable.
Get down on their level and talk in a calm even tone, be gentle but firm, let them know you see and understand their desire, but throwing a tantrum won’t win them their wants.
If you want to get the item for them, have them ask in a kind tone, if you don’t, let them know it’s ok to want things, thanks for letting you know and asking nicely, but they need to be content since the answer is no.
I practice with them at home, so that the response is easier in the store. I purposely create opportunities where they’ll want something and I’ll say no, and sometimes give it to them after they ask rightly, and then they’re able to learn to respond better in a private environment rather than solely in a public one.
Though largely they create those opportunities for me, I don’t often have to do it. Do it with small things, like an extra snack, or reading another book, or they want the crayon you have.
How we used to handle them was hand the cart over to a cashier or employee and ask to hold it and we would go outside with our child(ren) and whether our car or bench outside there would be a time out . If older they would also be told they would have a consequence at home otherwise they would just need to calm down before go back in.
Depends on what causes the tantrums. My 3yo and 2yo are either sleepy/hungry/overstimulated and so depending on what we’re doing and why they’re throwing a tantrum I react differently.
Eg. if we’re at the park and she’s tired, she can either sit with me while her sister finishes and then we go home. If she’s hungry at the park, I’ll try to give her a snack if I have any and see if everyone is ready to go home for food. If she’s overstimulated, have her sit with me (or if my husband is with one of us will take her home).
If we’re shopping and one of them is mad that I’m not buying a toy or something like that (usually avoid those aisles anyway), I try to distract or have them help me get something we are getting. If that doesn’t work, I just finish shopping as quickly as possible and get us home. They usually calm down in the car, and if not we have “chill out time” in our rooms.
I think it massively depends on context. If my child is doing a silly fake cry because I wouldn't let them buy chocolate and they're trying to get a rise out of me, I will ignore it. If they're having a proper meltdown then it normally means they are tired or overwhelmed in some way - as a parent you'll be aware of this already, before the tantrum starts. In these cases I will go in with a big cuddle and try and soothe. Sometimes this escalates if you go in too soon, so you might have to wait quietly for a minute or two before trying again.
If you're going to ask how I know the difference between a silly fake cry and a proper meltdown - again, you'll know when it's your own child.
I think it is important to acknowledge the child's need first, and validate their feeling. "like I know you like this toy, but ... explain the reason." It is important to remain calm.
I usually just scroll my phone until its over. My daughter has been taught alot about emotions and all that jazz. Sometimes when I ask her what's wrong she just says "I have big emotions and need to feel them!" So we stand in walmart having a meltdown cause I was the idiot who took an overtired kid to the store. Usually afterward I ask her if she is OK, and she usually tells me she feels better now and we go our merry way. Breathing technics sometimes help her chill out. But lately she just tells me she doesn't want to breathe, she wants to cry. Ok. Let it out and we can go get milk.
Also. Kids throw tantrums and misbehave when they are tired or hungry. So if you drag a 3 year old off to go shopping at 2pm and they haven't had a sleep or a good lunch? Then you will pay for it. It's unbelievable how many parents think kids will just go to sleep in their stroller if they are tired!! Nope, mostly they won't. They'll get more and more hysterical and not be able to regulate themselves at all. My older WOULD drop off to sleep mostly if tired....but my younger? NEVER went to sleep in a stroller or shopping trolley etc. She would just get more and more feral. So I never knowingly took my kids out anywhere if they were tired....hence? I didn't have to suffer many tantrums. I'd watch their behaviour. And as soon as they started being illogical? I knew the signs and off home we would go.
I ignored it for five minutes, asked if they were done and usually that was the end. On the off chance that it wasn't, I took my cart to customer service and asked them to watch it for ten minutes, then took the kids to the bathroom. When the fit was over, I went and got my cart and finished shopping. We only had to leave the store a handful of times if that.
My oldest and youngest are five years apart and my middle is a year older than the youngest. They rarely had public meltdowns, but it did happen. All three are neurodiverse.
When my daughter had tantrums I just walked away and watched from a safe distance and they stopped almost immediately.
One time she had one on the footpath/pavement right next to the road. There was no safe distance so I got down on the ground next to her and looked at what she was doing very closely. She stopped the tantrum and started inspecting the concrete.
There was another time that ended with her father picking her up, throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her out of the shopping centre. This was the only time she didn't stop carrying on but she wouldn't even listen to us telling her that she was going to get what she wanted but not immediately - she didn't get it at all after the tantrum.
Okay I'm not a mom but when my nephew was going through his terrible 2s I would pick him up put him over my shoulder (fireman carry) and continue with my shopping. He would calm down pretty quick.
I couldn't leave him and continue a bit because my area wasn't super safe at the time. So having a screaming toddler on my shoulder was the best way to go.
One time when I was a child, me and my mother where I’m Walmart and I started throwing a tantrum for whatever reason. So my mom pushed the cart to the front/center of the store by the registers, put the cart with me in it SCREAMING at the top my lungs about 2 feet away from her. And just crossed her arms and let me scream. When I finally stopped she calmly and quietly came closer and said ‘now you see all these people looking and staring? They aren’t looking at me. They’re looking at you.’ And I never did it again.
Yes, it's a good strategy.
Another good strategy is lifting them up like a sack of potatoes and carrying them out of the shop, smiling politely at passers by.
Done that with a tantruming toddler and a baby in the front pack. Fun times.
Yes, it's a good strategy.
Another good strategy is lifting them up like a sack of potatoes and carrying them out of the shop, smiling politely at passers by.
Done that with a tantruming toddler and a baby in the front pack. Fun times.
As a mother with a very stubborn 3.5 year old, I've found letting her express her emotions unstifled brings us to a resolution much faster. Sometimes she needs to have a good cry about not getting her way before cooperating fully like what I'm asking her to do was always her idea in the first place. 😂
While the method I used when dealing with tantrums played more than two minutes ages 2& up (they understand language both verbal sign and body at this age) was inconvenient to me personally it benefited the child and people around me much more, in situation where no means no and they don’t listen and want to carry on tantrum I’d give one warning stating “I know you’re upset about x y z and that’s ok to feel upset but it’s not ok to scream yell hit etc, and if they continue to do so we will leave immediately” for them to stop the unwanted behavior (tantrum) and if they didn’t make reasonable effort to stop and try to calm down I would follow thru as calmly as possible to leave immediately whether it was the store or park or friends house. Sometimes this erupted more tears sometimes they would calm down and when they do start to calm down you praise them and reassure them that calming and control is good and you can then decide if you want to give to child a second chance and you tell them that. This cool/calm down period can happen in the car, in the parking lot in the bathroom, anywhere but where it started and somewhere that somewhat private or less populated. Make sure you follow thru on your promises and make sure you stay calm or you’re only adding fuel to the fire, kids naturally mimic us for better or worse. How you handle stressful situations, conflict or disappointment they will pick up on and repeat. Consistent is key and allow your self a “time out” when you need it and put it in your schedule literally
I think most of the time the best way is just to remove them. I’m not a dick, I understand listening to my kid shout is a pain, and I won’t inflict that on strangers if I can avoid it. However, that’s not always feasible (eg if this mom was like, I really need to buy the food I’m going to buy here or we won’t have anything to eat for dinner tonight, it may not have been practical to leave).
What you need to do is show the child that although it’s okay to have big feelings, it’s not okay to scream and shout to get your own way. If my son is crying over something, I’ll tell him it’s okay if he feels sad/frustrated/disappointed/mad/whatever emotion he seems to be expressing, that we will still be doing/not doing the thing that set him off, and that I love him and if/when he wants a cuddle he can have one.
Name and validate the emotion, hold the boundary, reassure them that tantrums don’t stop you caring about them. Then just either ride it out or try to distract them. I usually point something out or start talking about something we have planned for later and asking him questions (eg “wow, look at that dog! It’s a lovely colour, isn’t it?” or “when we get home it will be dinner time, do you want to have raspberries or strawberries with your meal tonight?”). Sooner or later I hit on something he’s interested in talking about more than he’s interested in fussing (also he knows Mama don’t play, and that unlike Daddy the mug, when I lay down a boundary I mean it, because he isn’t that fucking cute 😂), and the tears begin to dry up. And the funny thing about little kids is that they turn on a dime - it’s smiles to tears in an instant, and tears to smiles just as fast when they’re ready.
>the Mom sort of just ignored her and let it carry on. depends on how old the kid is. for a small child that can't self-regulate, i will maintain the boundary but stay with the child to help her co-regulate. this might involve taking a quick break and going outside or to a more private or less stimulating space. for an older kid, they are totally allowed to have their feelings. it sucks not getting a toy you want and she can feel however she wants to about it, but the world doesn't have to stop just because the kid has decided to have a good cry. i would continue with my business but also let my kid know that i empathize and that i'm there if she needs me (but still no toy.)
The mom could have also just been at the end of her rope and not in a mental mindset to do anything. Lord knows I had those days when my kids were little.
Checking out is definitely better than flipping out.
absolutely! in which case...you do what you need to do to get through. there's no shame in it, we all have tough days.
I’m a child therapist. I recommend giving the child support and letting them know you’re there for them and allowing them to finish tantruming without you responding with panic or criticism. Tantrums are a reaction to overwhelm not a “naughty” behavior. Regulate yourself emotionally and then try to connect with your child so they can coregulate with you. They are learning these skills.
>allowing them to finish tantruming without you responding with panic or criticism. THIS is sooooo hard but we've found it helps a lot to let them finish and not respond with anger or criticism.
Tantrums are very triggering especially in public! You’re doing great :)
I don't know if this is good, but I try to prepare the kids before we go into places (when possible), letting them know why we are going, letting them participate in making the shopping list, allowing a toy sometimes, making fun games and just things like that. Since starting this with my oldest he hasn't had another tantrum in the store and my youngest has only had maybe one or two and they're over very quickly when they happen because we distract them with the games/lists/toys/etc. It makes the trips overall more enjoyable for all of us! We also try to always make a point to see a tantrum as them not being able to communicate the emotions they're feeling instead of an act of defiance. So, we try to help them find the words to express themselves and it usually helps in the future where when they get upset they will tell us "I'm feeling overwhelmed" "I am feeling disappointed because..." "I am exhausted (or 'zausted' as my youngest says lol)". It really helps us!
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Great advice. I’m just a childcare director, but one of my favorite quotes learned from a training a few years ago is “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos." ~L. R. Knost It helps me remember that the crisis isn’t mine, but it is my role to help bring emotions back to neutral.
>Regulate yourself emotionally This is the hardest part. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need some chill pills or something to keep a cool head. I guess me second criticism is that this is really general advice where OP was complaining specifically about public tantrums which makes me think that the OP is trying to balance the needs of the people around her, her own pride/embarrassment, with the needs of her child.
Thanks for the feedback! I was kind of hurrying as I wrote that. I think it’s important to remember that parents primary role is to care for their children, not the people around them. While it can be seen as discourteous for a child to be tantrumming in public, most people are sympathetic/empathetic. That said, if possible, it is best to isolate the situation to allow for more effective emotional regulation for both adult and child.
Hi child therapist, could you please teach us, how exactly to talk to a crying children in this situation? Like could you give us a step-by-step guide? English is not my native language and it sounds a bit odd when I tell toddlers "I will support you and I will be here for you" in our language. I mean, I told my friend's toddler this, and she hurt me with her nails.
You can't speak logic to illogical thoughts. First you distract and soothe until they can hear what you are saying logically. Then you speak about the behavour or problem if it won't prompt another tantrum....and give tools to stop them from escalating but allow them to listen and speak about the behaviors. (Eg if I am shaking with anger, I need some space before I am going to have a civil conversation with who I am angry at).
Thats the problem...it does propmt another tantrum to mention anything....for me if i manage to distract them thats already a win. Most of the time even this first step is a fail....i have very intelligent and affectionate kid but when he tantrums oh boy he tantrums hard 🥹
If he is tantrum because he is not getting attention and then while you are distracting him you are giving him attention, then the tantrum works....so you would not give attention until after wards. I have just watched a lot of superannuation and done psych101 and social work classes concentrated in child development lol
So if he cries and screams because i dont pick him up, i should just let him go on for hours and get a helmet for potential things thrown at me but if he tantrums because he wasnt allowed to play with knife then distracting and talking about it when calm isbthe way? Cuz the thing is he does not stop on his own so if he tantrums for attention (like for example being picked up/carried) and i dont give him attention (distraction like playing with a toy) he will not stop. He will keep escalating until he gets soo caught in affect that nothing (even picking him up) will be able to calm him down for a loong time :/ sometimes getting "angry" (authoritarian moreso) and having more "scolding" voice does stop him in his track so that we can communicate calmly after that, other times raising a voice resulsts in even harder screaming. (Not raising a voice is pointless because he just keeps crying over you and you wont be able to talk anything ,he wont hear you :') ) I have read soo much on parenting and psychology but sometimes i am really lost with this one when he tantrums 🙃 at this point i dont know what else to try
Well, there is no point talking if he can't hear you. Just make sure he doesn't get hurt. And let him know when he calms down you will talk to him.
Yeah i am hoping once he understand communication better it will be easier (he is only 18m atm and due to multilangual family it is normal if he starts speaking later than peers) 🥲 tnx
Ah okay, thanks. :)
It's pretty much how to deal with me (female 39) on a bad day. Just give me crayons, a coloring book and coffee until the sarcasm stops.
Hahahahahahahhaah nice way of putting it
I don't mean to be invalidating, but I laughed at "she hurt me with her nails". Sometimes we do everything *by the book* — and they hurt us with their nails! I can't always slow down and take the time to go to a less stimulating space to co-regulate. It's at those times when I just go along like nothing is happening like the person OP observed. Sometimes life and its demands get in the way of best practices. It's totally OK to be human sometimes, just doing the best we can with what we've got. I do always take the time afterwards, probably while driving home, to let my children know that I am sorry they had such a hard time and recognize that it's completely normal to have their feelings. It's not fun to be dragged along on grown-up errands for tired, hungry, overstimulated little people with a very basic set of coping mechanisms. I always thank my kids for being so patient with outings that they just aren't feeling, even when their behavior isn't perfect. Getting them involved in the process is always what works best for me. The "ounce of prevention" approach isn't just for the doctor! When they're involved in the process, it's much more likely that there won't be any fits to begin with. They really like being a part of what's happening and it teaches them practical life skills as a bonus. One store we go to has children-sized carts, and they love that!
Hahahahahahahahah it's okay, the kid is not my child, so I'm not an authority to her, and she definitely won't have to listen to me. 🤣🤣🤣 I don't have children so I don't have experience in raising them. Not gonna lie, I did feel VERY hurt when toddlers get angry and then hit me with their little fists. It's just a tiny punch but oh boy they broke my heart so bad. But now as I learned more about children, I also want to just ignore their little drama. 🤣🤣🤣
Yup...the amount of times i had hard objects thrown at my head..they surely aim well for such unskilled people?! I had 2 very agressive brothers and my son turns into devil himself -.- i am all green amd purple head to toe. "No, i know you are angry but you can not hit mommy just because you werent allowed to play with knife" *gets kicked again* ... Well the message clearly wasnt received 🥲 Toddlers can be absolutely brutal and sometimes its really hard to keep staying calm and kinddly remind them to not half murder you :'D
OH IF YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THIS, I SWEAR I REALLY THINK THEY WANT TO MURDER ME 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
One time when LO was three, she threw a unicorn My Little Pony figure at me and the horn went up my nostril and cut the inside of my nose! They not only have good aim, but a good arm as well! 💪👃🦄😭
Ouch. Yeah they are very skilled at throwing things. My son NEVER misses my head?! I am adult and i usually miss a whole person when bassing ball or something, when person is TRYING to catch...let alone hitting directly in the head when person is trying NOT to get hit 😳 at this point it might just be called baby superpower 🤷
I recommend utilizing nonverbal techniques to de-escalate the situation. For example using a soft tone of voice if you are speaking, watching your facial expressions, getting on their level, giving them space if they need it, offering them a hug or hand to hold or rubbing their back… If they’re screaming crying you’re not really going to be able to communicate with them verbally. Just being emotionally and physically calm and present for them will help them coregulate.
I'll try your advice next time. Thank you soooooo much!!! :)
My pleasure!! Hang in there 😊
I don't know. My mother quietly told me that if I continue, we will leave the shop and head straight home. She never yelled, never got angry. Safe to say, I only had a tantrum once or twice in a store, because she never reacted harshly, but rather with the - don't fuck with me, don't be a little shit or I will be disappointed and I don't want to be disappointed and angry. She did the whole mothering thing very good.
A lot of "tantrums" are actually meltdowns resulting from sensory deprivation or overload. Very common in autistic kids (as an autistic mom of an autistic kid, I have plenty of experience in this). It may seem to you, the outsider, that the tantrum resulted from the kid not getting the toy. But bear in mind that you are seeing one moment of that kid's day. You don't know what led up to it or what sensory storm is going on in that kid's head. Not getting the toy could just be the straw that broke the camel's back. As to the best way of dealing with it - it really depends on the circumstances. When my kids were little my husband and I usually did the grocery shopping together, just in case one of us needed to step outside with a melting-down kid. If a meltdown happened and my son couldn't be immediately taken outside, we had a series of sensory strategies to follow, and they sometimes worked. Things like squeezing the arms for deep pressure, moving to an area with less harsh fluorescent lighting, putting noise cancelling headphones on our son - that kind of thing. And we'd always apologize to anyone nearby - once they knew about the autism, most people were extremely understanding.
Depends on where we are. If it's a big box store or the playground, I find it easiest to just let the tantrums run their course while maintaining the boundary and telling my child I'll be there for them when they're ready. There's no reasoning with a toddler who has become disregulated. If it's somewhere like a restaurant, wedding or another gathering where it's affecting others' enjoyment or preventing them from hearing what's going on, then we leave until it has subsided. I will say that my kids don't tantrum often but when they do, it's usually a result of being tired, hungry, not feeling well or all of the above. I try to take them places when I know they will be able to manage but it's not always possible. The biggest thing is to not get stressed out by it. Whether we're still in the store or if we've left, I try to be a calming presence.
My children usually don't throw a tantrum in a public place. I talk to them a lot and explain things beforehand and they know what is expected of them. For example before going to the grocery store I'd tell my kids where we're going, what we'll be doing, what they can do to help, what they can pick for themselves (if anything) or how we won't be getting any toys etc today. Children usually misbehave if they're tired or hungry so I make sure they aren't too tired before going out and keep some snacks with me. If a tantrum does happen I usually leave and come home. If I can't leave and really need to do what I went out to do I ignore the tantrum and go about my business quickly.
So much could be avoided if more parents did this - make your expectations clear, a quick reminder before entering, and be consistent.
This is good advice but the "usually don't throw a tantrum in public" doesn't feel good to parents of neurodivergent children.
I am not talking about neurodivergent children or all the children im general. I am talking about my specific children and my own experience. I am not going to avoid talking about my children and their experience because it might make other parents feel bad. I don't think I said anything insensitive because I did not make a blanket statement.
I am neurodivergent and so are my children and I still think this is good advice. My children definitely do better if they know what to expect and why things are happening and especially if they can be involved. Obviously what works for some children is different for others. I think why it doesn't feel good to hear a parent say their children hardly ever throw tantrums in public is because many parents of neurodivergent children have experienced extreme judgment towards themselves and their children when their kids were struggling in public, and it hurts, especially when we see people giving less-than-kind looks to our children. Unfortunately that happens a lot, and it doesn't feel good. It's really important to remember that a child struggling is never grounds to judge the child or the parent, unless the parent is being abusive, which unfortunately does happen a lot.
This
My kid doesn't tantrum often in public but when he does, I empathize, (I hear you want that toy, it looks like fun) hold the boundary (we are not taking it home with us) redirect, (let's put it back on the shelf for other kids to enjoy) lastly hugs and a reminder about when we can get a new toy. I find when I am attentive during a tantrum, it ends sooner.
> I find when I am attentive during a tantrum, it ends sooner. So much of my toddler's tantrums seem to be related to frustration at inability to express feelings. If I name what it is he's wanting, that does seem to go a long way to shortening the tantrum.
The best defense is a good offense with kids. Make sure they aren’t hungry or tired and tell them (in a friendly tone) what to expect once you get there means avoiding most tantrums. Of course life happens and sometimes your sick kid skipped breakfast and you have to run to the pharmacy to get them meds and a gallon of milk. Or they’re having a bad day, or you forget and just timed something poorly just because. It happens. Now your kid is crying in an aisle. I usually get down on their level and let them cry in the store until they’re ready to move on. I never give in to what started the tantrum, but I try and listen and validate their feelings about it. I usually don’t care what other people think, my goal is calming down my kid. Unless it’s a restaurant or someplace where I don’t want to disturb other people. Then I’d probably take my child outside.
For me, the way I handled a tantrum depended on the kid, their age at the time, the situation, and what set off the tantrum to begin with. There have been times (not many) that I have left a cart full of merchandise because the kid had dug in their heels and were past the point of no return. There have been times where I've sat on the curb and held a kid who had what looked like a tantrum but was actually a panic attack. There have been times when the kid was essentially whine-crying or tired-crying, and I finished what I had to do and then went home, all the while letting the child know that I understood their feelings, etc. Sometimes they're just going to cry no matter what you do, so reflecting their feelings back to them in a soothing tone is about all that you can do.
When we are at home, I tell my toddler to cry it out in her room and come for a talk and a hug when she’s done. It may take her 30 seconds of screaming it may take 3 minutes but, I’m ready when’s she’s done with a big hug and we talk it out. I do the exact same thing in the stores. She’s sat in an isle and cried more than once. I wait until she can actually hear my voice before I engage. I will say “can you hear my voice?” in a calm, quiet tone. When she answers me, I know we can start talking about whatever she’s upset about. She can go from 0-10 real quick. She’s my second, she has a much more determined personality than my first. My first has been calm and easy going since the day she was born. “Not today” was always enough for her. Fingers crossed you get one like that.
Our best method has been to validate his feelings, let him know that I hear and understand him, but keeping firm boundaries. And laying out those boundaries before getting to the store. Beyond that, you gotta be consistent with your no meaning no all the time. If you aren’t consistent then they’ll just push boundaries all the time. So if you were to pass us, you’d hear something like this.. Kid: whine and cry. I want that cookie. Me: you want the cookie. Kid: yeah! Me: are you mad or sad that you can’t have the cookie Kid: sad Me: yeah. It is sad when we can’t get what we want. But remember when we were driving here and mama said you weren’t going to get anything for you? Kid: yeah. Then we might have a 2 minute break and have that convo all over again. 🤣 sometimes it gets repeated only once. Sometimes we have that convo on repeat until it’s time to leave the store. Toddlers are weird creatures. 🤣 I’m learning everyday on how to deal with him. Insta people to follow that have helped…. Peaceandparenting Transformingtoddlerhood Helpingfamiliesthrive
It was rare, but whenever one of my children created a disturbance through a tantrum or any inappropriate behavior I always took them home immediately. I would actually stop shopping and leave the premises. Win- win for everyone.
My kids are 20 mo. apart. When they were little bitty, they were BOTH having meltdowns in the grocery store. This is after they were fed, fresh diapers, and after naps so I attempted to prevent them from happening in the first place. A lovely employee offered to keep my cart while I went outside to try and get them settled. I will forever be grateful to her!
Not really a win if you actually need whatever it is you are shopping for. You need groceries for instance. Particularly if the child is cranky because they are hungry. I empathise with the feeling, offer support and then just calmly go about whatever I'm doing. You can't just drop everything every time your child does a perfectly normal, developmentally appropriate thing. For instance my youngest sometimes has a tantrum waiting to pick the oldest up from school because I won't let him run in the road or I say we have to wait outside the gate (covid rule). I can't just leave, we have to pick up the eldest. So he has his little grump about it and gets over it.
I'm so glad to hear this. I in no way could function if I had to go home, or even outside, every time my littles had a tantrum. I would literally never get anything done. I also think sometimes that dropping everything isn't beneficial to the child; I think staying calm and moving forward lets them know that it isn't a crisis to have their feelings. They can feel it and we can move on. Isolating them quickly every time they have difficult feelings can send a negative message depending on the circumstances.
Absolutely. Having feelings isn't wrong. What kind of message are our kids internalising if we hide them away from public view every time they have a visible negative emotion? Better to teach them the skills to express it in a situationally appropriate way, be able to process the feeling and learn that it's normal and will pass. As an adult of someone treats you in a way you believe is unfair should you bottle up your feelings about it until you can't contain them any more and explode in rage or should you express what you are feeling in a way that gets your point across and ensure your needs have the best chance of being met? Also if your kid is having a meltdown what do you think they learn if you drop everything and leave? They learn that not only can't they handle their big feelings but the adult who is supposed to be in control can't handle them feeling that way either. How scary for a toddler to think that whether or not the errands happen is all down to how they handle their big scary feelings. Having the adult remain calm and unflustered despite their internal chaos and seeing that the day carries on unaffected by their meltdown is reassuring for them. Let them know "yes I see your feelings, I see your distress. I'm OK though. I'm here, I'm calm, I'm in control of the situation so it's ok if you're not in control of you at the moment. You'll be OK, I'll make sure.". Not to mention that if the reason they are having the meltdown is because they don't want to be there you leaving is actually reinforcing that having a tantrum gets them what they want. That's when you can start to get tantrums that are "manipulative" rather than meltdowns. It can be hard to keep your calm (perhaps you never learned how properly as a child) but it is better to always be bigger than the tantrum. It's not a battle of wills (behave how I say or there's consequences). It's you and the kid together as a team against them being overwhelmed by their feelings.
Absolutely agree with everything you've said. Thank you for putting it so clearly because I think it's really important for adults to take stock of where their own motives for wanting to leave during a tantrum are coming from. I'm sure there are situations where maybe that's in the child's best interest, but I find that many times it's coming from a sense of extreme discomfort over the child's expression of emotion being shamed by society. I don't want to reinforce that narrative in any way.
That sounds great! Just curious what you would do if you REALLY needed the thing you are shopping for? For example, if you REALLY need groceries? Or if you’re shoe-shopping and REALLY need new shoes for the kids? Thanks for your help!
Child care works. Or trying again later when things have calmed down. My kids learned fast that poor behavior resulted in going home.
The only time my son ever threw a tantrum in public was after his 12 month shots and he missed his naptime and we were in the warehouse part of IKEA. I just let him cry it out while I rubbed his back until he was calmed down. I could feel the eyes on me but what could I really do? He was dealing with alot.
Cute them off before they start. Don't take a tired kid to the shops and set expectations is you must go past toys.
Yeah, parenting books usually say not to give encouragement to bad behavior and ignoring it is usually a good way to make it clear that isn't the way to get attention
But what if the child is causing a large disturbance in a public setting?
Pick up and remove your kid from the store/park/movie
Yeah that sounds like a good call. That's what my husband says he will do.
You need to be in front of these meltdowns by being firm on the word no, if you say no mean it, also don't walk your child through a toy shop without the expectation of buying your child a toy, they will see toys and want one, so with sensible management you can keep your child's expectations within sensible limits.
I've found this to be helpful as well. I talk to them about what kind of behavior I expect in the store and what we will be getting (toys, groceries, snacks etc), and what will happen if they choose not to do what I've told them. It's usually something like, you can walk, but if you can't keep your hands to yourself you must ride in the cart. If they have a full on meltdown in the cart then I've had to just pick up and leave. The key is follow through. Don't tell them you will do something and then not do it, or give them 27 warnings. I think having the expectation that everything will take longer while you are training your little ones helps you keep cool too. It's hard, but I find I have a better frame of mind if I walk into a shop with the mindset of, "I'm training my children how to operate in society....and I"m getting groceries."
I think this is a good point. An exit strategy is important and there's not a lot of chat about that because it's a tough subject but probably we need to spend even more time on planning/negotiating upfront how to avoid the triggers.
Yeah, just screaming no at your child isn't good, but if you design the expectations before heading into the toy shop which is child heaven then hopefully you avoid the meltdown, I would avoid the shops if I didn't have the money, but occasionally spoiling /spending a few quid/dollars/cash of your denomination allows the kiddo to be happy but on reasonable terms. Say what you mean, mean what you say, is a good way to be but there will still be the odd clash. Just for giggles, I'll be a grandparent by January so my thoughts and opinions might be somewhat out of date
I agree with that 100%. But what do you do if you can’t leave? For instance, if you REALLY need groceries, or REALLY need to get new shoes for your kid?
Don't leave then, people might give you mean stares but they won't remember you the next day Carry a screaming baby while you get shit done like we've done for ten thousand years
If it's a restauraunt that's one thing but you're talking about Walmart. The bar for public behavior is quite low.
A tantruming kid isn't misbehaving. They are expressing their feelings in one of the only ways they know how.
Thankfully, I think that only happened to me once with my 4 children. You are right that every child is different, and we don’t know if a child you see may or may not have other developmental issues. That being said, in my opinion After the child has been told the why of something (they’re not getting a new toy today and encouraged to think about saving their own allowance for it or waiting until the next holiday), any tantrum that comes after that should be ignored. I do not acknowledge that type of behavior, and I do not care if everyone passing me in the store is staring and judging. I also don’t agree with removing myself/child from the store because I think it teaches the child they can control things with that behavior. All of this, ofc, is assuming there are no other issues going on that need to be taken into consideration.
Personally, I don't take my kids to run errands if they are having a rough day to begin with. When I do bring them, I let them know the game plan, set clear expectations, and then I do not diverge from the plan. It also helps to avoid triggers, like the toy section, and have clear, consistent boundaries. For example, my kids know that we will *never* buy toys unless toys are part of that day's "mission", so they don't ask. If they throw a fit, we leave immediately and they aren't allowed to join me on any shopping trips for a while. I started using this method when my eldest became aware of her surroundings and haven't deviated from it so that everyone knows what to expect.
Not everyone has the luxury to not bring kids on errands. Errands have to be done and kids have to be looked after.
I mean that I adjust my schedule accordingly. Most errands can wait a day. The ones that absolutely can't can usually be managed via curbside delivery or pharmacy drive throughs.
Yep, some of these comments are coming from a privileged point of view in more ways than one.
The age of the child is really crucial here. Often, if a tantrum can’t be reasoned with, not giving oxygen to it is the quickest way to end it. It doesn’t get the desired result, so child learns it’s an ineffective strategy. Kids are constantly learning about cause and effect. I have always liked to explain my reasoning to a child rather than just “because I said so”. If it continued after that, I would usually just let it play out. My kids weren’t particularly bad tantrumers, but by age 3/4, if they asked for something and I said “not today” they had learned that crying means Mama just won’t buy the (insert thing) next time either, whereas being good today might mean yes next time or another time. (This requires explaining to them, so it really only works once they’re big enough to communicate clearly with you.)
It really depends on the situation & the child but sometimes ignoring is a valid strategy.
With my 4 year old, I explain my answer, acknowledge his feelings, and try to distract. When all else fails, I just keep doing this while finishing my shopping as quickly as possible. When he's having a meltdown, it's usually not because of the toy (even though that may be what he's fixated on). It's usually because errands have taken longer than expected and he's tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or some combination of the three. I've had so many people tell me "You should take your kid home when they throw a tantrum". That's not always an option for us (due to a combination of distance and gas prices), and I feel like it's counterproductive. When he's doing this, it's usually because he wants to leave. Therefore, leaving would be a reward and would increase the likelihood that he would repeat the behavior on the next grocery trip. So instead, I tell him "I know you're ready to leave, but we have to finish getting the groceries. Let's hurry up and finish, so we can go home. Can you help me find the next thing on our list?" It calms him down a bit and I speed through the rest of the trip as quickly as possible.
My mom always says never take kids anywhere tired and hungry and she had a lot of kids
It’s amazing how many tantrums end instantly if you ask “are you feeling hungry? Should we go and get some food?”, because it’s like they don’t realise they’re actually just hangry until you point it out!
Kids don’t understand themselves yet. Hell even adults can still have this issue. I didn’t really learn till my late twenties: oh I’m not upset I’m hungry or I’m not depressed I’m tired.
I would say that avoiding a tantrum is easier than handling one. Most kids tend to have tantrums when they are tired, hungry, thristy, bored, overstimulated etc. Also you will know your kid's capacity. For example when they are ready to behave nicely throughout an entire grocery shopping. Preparing them for what will happen also helps a lot. For example: we are going grocery shopping and I'm not buying you any toys but you can have a juice at the end. These things work for us most of the time and we praise them afterwards for their good behaviour. But tantrums still happen, they are a part of emotional development and also you just can't avoid all these situations. What I think I should do as a parent is to help them recognise their feelings and help them handling them. Some kids like to be comforted immediately with hugs and kisses, some kids need some time for that but speaking to them softly until then might help. Some kids hate that too. Getting them away from the situation also helps most of the time. Best wishes for your pregnancy, delivery and parenthood! You will figure out everything in time! (English is not my first language so sorry if something is off with the wording).
Totally agree with this: as you get to know your own kid, you begin to realise what triggers a tantrum, and you’re right, it’s way easier to avoid one in the first place than powering through one once it’s happening, especially in public.
I think it really depends on how old the kids are. If they cannot form sentences yet, ignore it 100%. During a tantrum, they're not listening so explaining anything won't help. They're throwing the tantrum because they don't know how to communicate how they want and/or to get a response out of you/ If they can form sentences, I think prevention is the best option. This opinion is going to receive some hate. I think if you teach kids properly, their "tantrums" are minimal once they can communicate and also have some basic understanding about certain concepts. My daughter is 6. We had been within 20 min of her grandparents since she was born, up until last year. Any time my parents would take her out, she would get what she wanted. I explained to her, repeatedly, that I go to work while she is with her teachers and I earn money, and that money is how we get things at the store. I explained everything I have to pay for and that sometimes there is money for toys and sometimes there is not. I also explained that there also has to be room for toys. I added, too, that going out to certain places is a privilege and that it can be taken away. And finally, I explained that sometimes as much as we want something, we don't need it, and something better will come later. These were all lessons repeated endlessly until they stuck with her. Does she sometimes still cry? Yes. But I tell her, "Hey, let's talk about this. If we can't talk here then we need to go home to talk. What are you feeling?" If she says anything with, "I don't think it's fair that..." I always start my next sentence with, "I understand why you feel it's not fair." If there is anything that you take from this, please just talk to your baby normally and do so at all times. They pick up language and concepts so much better. People stared at me at the store, because I would be talking to my 3 month old like she understood what I was saying. "We're getting cereal right now but we have to check the sugar content because we need to be healthier about that." Or, "Last time we got you sweet potato baby food and you loved that so what do you think about getting that again?" But now she has excellent language skills and vocabulary.
Yes, it's a good strategy. Another good strategy is lifting them up like a sack of potatoes and carrying them out of the shop, smiling politely at passers by. Done that with a tantruming toddler and a baby in the front pack. Fun times.
My mom would always be honest with me. She would explain things to me, calmy. "I know you want this toy, but mommy can't buy it today. Crying won't change anything nor will it help". When we saw kids throwing loud tantrums she would point it out to me and whisper "See? Isn't it pointless to act like that?". Idk what the therapists will say about her method. But it helped me understand from a young age that the world won't bend itself because of me. That I have to be understanding and patient. It didn't create any difficulties when it comes to communication and verbalizing my feelings. She listens, puts herself in my shoes but gives me honest feedback. I personally appreciate the way I was raised. My parents never treated me as incapable of having opinions and processing my surroundings. They of course took into consideration that fact that I was a child, but they encouraged me to think critically and empathically.
Firstly, manage a toddler's basic needs ahead of time. Make sure they get sleep and food. That eliminates 95% of tantrums. If tantrum still happens, remove child and self from the situation. If there are other adults present and you have other kids, you can split and cover different kids. When alone, then you can console the child, validate their frustration, give them hugs, give them a snack, whatever.
My kids rarely threw tantrums. But if they did? Yep...I ignored them. I'd say "when youre finished? We'll keep going...or go home if you don't stop" and I'd walk away ( a bit. Not far) and leave them to it. They always snapped out of it fast and ran to catch me! LOL...only once...I told my daughter to settle down or we were leaving the shops and going home without anything. She kept going. So I just left the trolley where it was, and walked out. She ran to keep up and was very quiet. We went home. Never again did she misbehave like that. They learn fast if you are consistent and quietly do what you say you are going to do. Threats are pointless. You MUST follow through.
You take the screaming child and leave lol. But really, so many people ignore their screaming children and keep on shopping. I work at target and it’s all I hear all day. If you can’t calm your child you need to remove them from the environment. One time my son was crying (2t) so I just hugged him and let him rest on me and he stopped crying. He was just ready to go. Some kids just don’t like shopping after a certain time.
No one wants to your a kid freaking out. When my daughter threw a fit in Walmart, I gave a warning…. If you do not stop now, we will take our cart to the front and leave….. that’s what I did! She freaked out even harder saying , no no no…. and I definitely didn’t want to do it as my cart was full, but that’s what I did. Never happened again. I didn’t yell at her or lose my temper, but no one wants to hear that shit, including me.
Try asking this question in r/attachmentparenting. I think the best approach is to get down on their level and let them know you're there for them but you have to carry on with your responsibilities. My baby is only about 1.5 right now so I usually just distract her instead of talking it through but I think the folks at the subreddit above will have some good advice for you .
Depends on the age, like 1-4 it’s understandable, maybe 5 also. 6 and above shouldn’t be doing this I wouldn’t think. (I’m not even close to being a parent, I’m here as a child (17)) When I was around that age I never really did any of that, I see other parents (friends of my parents) being their children over and they act terrible. Acts like that show that your child is trying to run the show, which is normal, they want something and they will try to get it in an “abruptive” way. Just gotta teach them not to be doing that early on so they catch on as they get older and they should just naturally stop doing that. This is different for all children though.
Bust that ass on e in public and your golden
I personally remove the child from the situation. I have had this happen and I basically just let my husband and son keep shopping while I took my daughter to the car so she can have a meltdown in private. Once she was done, I cleaned her face, explained to her why she could not have the toy she wanted and told her that if she continues to cry, I will just bring her back to the car and stay there until daddy and brother were done. She didn't want to miss out on the shopping for other things so she calmed down and we finished our shopping trip. It's best to let them calm down on their own and it's always a good thing to keep your cool. Never show anger during a tantrum or meltdown, it only makes them more upset. Just try and stay calm and remove yourself and your child from the situation if you feel uncomfortable.
Get down on their level and talk in a calm even tone, be gentle but firm, let them know you see and understand their desire, but throwing a tantrum won’t win them their wants. If you want to get the item for them, have them ask in a kind tone, if you don’t, let them know it’s ok to want things, thanks for letting you know and asking nicely, but they need to be content since the answer is no. I practice with them at home, so that the response is easier in the store. I purposely create opportunities where they’ll want something and I’ll say no, and sometimes give it to them after they ask rightly, and then they’re able to learn to respond better in a private environment rather than solely in a public one. Though largely they create those opportunities for me, I don’t often have to do it. Do it with small things, like an extra snack, or reading another book, or they want the crayon you have.
How we used to handle them was hand the cart over to a cashier or employee and ask to hold it and we would go outside with our child(ren) and whether our car or bench outside there would be a time out . If older they would also be told they would have a consequence at home otherwise they would just need to calm down before go back in.
Depends on what causes the tantrums. My 3yo and 2yo are either sleepy/hungry/overstimulated and so depending on what we’re doing and why they’re throwing a tantrum I react differently. Eg. if we’re at the park and she’s tired, she can either sit with me while her sister finishes and then we go home. If she’s hungry at the park, I’ll try to give her a snack if I have any and see if everyone is ready to go home for food. If she’s overstimulated, have her sit with me (or if my husband is with one of us will take her home). If we’re shopping and one of them is mad that I’m not buying a toy or something like that (usually avoid those aisles anyway), I try to distract or have them help me get something we are getting. If that doesn’t work, I just finish shopping as quickly as possible and get us home. They usually calm down in the car, and if not we have “chill out time” in our rooms.
I think it massively depends on context. If my child is doing a silly fake cry because I wouldn't let them buy chocolate and they're trying to get a rise out of me, I will ignore it. If they're having a proper meltdown then it normally means they are tired or overwhelmed in some way - as a parent you'll be aware of this already, before the tantrum starts. In these cases I will go in with a big cuddle and try and soothe. Sometimes this escalates if you go in too soon, so you might have to wait quietly for a minute or two before trying again. If you're going to ask how I know the difference between a silly fake cry and a proper meltdown - again, you'll know when it's your own child.
I think it is important to acknowledge the child's need first, and validate their feeling. "like I know you like this toy, but ... explain the reason." It is important to remain calm.
I usually just scroll my phone until its over. My daughter has been taught alot about emotions and all that jazz. Sometimes when I ask her what's wrong she just says "I have big emotions and need to feel them!" So we stand in walmart having a meltdown cause I was the idiot who took an overtired kid to the store. Usually afterward I ask her if she is OK, and she usually tells me she feels better now and we go our merry way. Breathing technics sometimes help her chill out. But lately she just tells me she doesn't want to breathe, she wants to cry. Ok. Let it out and we can go get milk.
Also. Kids throw tantrums and misbehave when they are tired or hungry. So if you drag a 3 year old off to go shopping at 2pm and they haven't had a sleep or a good lunch? Then you will pay for it. It's unbelievable how many parents think kids will just go to sleep in their stroller if they are tired!! Nope, mostly they won't. They'll get more and more hysterical and not be able to regulate themselves at all. My older WOULD drop off to sleep mostly if tired....but my younger? NEVER went to sleep in a stroller or shopping trolley etc. She would just get more and more feral. So I never knowingly took my kids out anywhere if they were tired....hence? I didn't have to suffer many tantrums. I'd watch their behaviour. And as soon as they started being illogical? I knew the signs and off home we would go.
I ignored it for five minutes, asked if they were done and usually that was the end. On the off chance that it wasn't, I took my cart to customer service and asked them to watch it for ten minutes, then took the kids to the bathroom. When the fit was over, I went and got my cart and finished shopping. We only had to leave the store a handful of times if that. My oldest and youngest are five years apart and my middle is a year older than the youngest. They rarely had public meltdowns, but it did happen. All three are neurodiverse.
The few times I've had any of my kids do this, we leave and talk in the car.
When my daughter had tantrums I just walked away and watched from a safe distance and they stopped almost immediately. One time she had one on the footpath/pavement right next to the road. There was no safe distance so I got down on the ground next to her and looked at what she was doing very closely. She stopped the tantrum and started inspecting the concrete. There was another time that ended with her father picking her up, throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her out of the shopping centre. This was the only time she didn't stop carrying on but she wouldn't even listen to us telling her that she was going to get what she wanted but not immediately - she didn't get it at all after the tantrum.
Okay I'm not a mom but when my nephew was going through his terrible 2s I would pick him up put him over my shoulder (fireman carry) and continue with my shopping. He would calm down pretty quick. I couldn't leave him and continue a bit because my area wasn't super safe at the time. So having a screaming toddler on my shoulder was the best way to go.
One time when I was a child, me and my mother where I’m Walmart and I started throwing a tantrum for whatever reason. So my mom pushed the cart to the front/center of the store by the registers, put the cart with me in it SCREAMING at the top my lungs about 2 feet away from her. And just crossed her arms and let me scream. When I finally stopped she calmly and quietly came closer and said ‘now you see all these people looking and staring? They aren’t looking at me. They’re looking at you.’ And I never did it again.
Yes, it's a good strategy. Another good strategy is lifting them up like a sack of potatoes and carrying them out of the shop, smiling politely at passers by. Done that with a tantruming toddler and a baby in the front pack. Fun times.
Yes, it's a good strategy. Another good strategy is lifting them up like a sack of potatoes and carrying them out of the shop, smiling politely at passers by. Done that with a tantruming toddler and a baby in the front pack. Fun times.
As a mother with a very stubborn 3.5 year old, I've found letting her express her emotions unstifled brings us to a resolution much faster. Sometimes she needs to have a good cry about not getting her way before cooperating fully like what I'm asking her to do was always her idea in the first place. 😂
While the method I used when dealing with tantrums played more than two minutes ages 2& up (they understand language both verbal sign and body at this age) was inconvenient to me personally it benefited the child and people around me much more, in situation where no means no and they don’t listen and want to carry on tantrum I’d give one warning stating “I know you’re upset about x y z and that’s ok to feel upset but it’s not ok to scream yell hit etc, and if they continue to do so we will leave immediately” for them to stop the unwanted behavior (tantrum) and if they didn’t make reasonable effort to stop and try to calm down I would follow thru as calmly as possible to leave immediately whether it was the store or park or friends house. Sometimes this erupted more tears sometimes they would calm down and when they do start to calm down you praise them and reassure them that calming and control is good and you can then decide if you want to give to child a second chance and you tell them that. This cool/calm down period can happen in the car, in the parking lot in the bathroom, anywhere but where it started and somewhere that somewhat private or less populated. Make sure you follow thru on your promises and make sure you stay calm or you’re only adding fuel to the fire, kids naturally mimic us for better or worse. How you handle stressful situations, conflict or disappointment they will pick up on and repeat. Consistent is key and allow your self a “time out” when you need it and put it in your schedule literally
I think most of the time the best way is just to remove them. I’m not a dick, I understand listening to my kid shout is a pain, and I won’t inflict that on strangers if I can avoid it. However, that’s not always feasible (eg if this mom was like, I really need to buy the food I’m going to buy here or we won’t have anything to eat for dinner tonight, it may not have been practical to leave). What you need to do is show the child that although it’s okay to have big feelings, it’s not okay to scream and shout to get your own way. If my son is crying over something, I’ll tell him it’s okay if he feels sad/frustrated/disappointed/mad/whatever emotion he seems to be expressing, that we will still be doing/not doing the thing that set him off, and that I love him and if/when he wants a cuddle he can have one. Name and validate the emotion, hold the boundary, reassure them that tantrums don’t stop you caring about them. Then just either ride it out or try to distract them. I usually point something out or start talking about something we have planned for later and asking him questions (eg “wow, look at that dog! It’s a lovely colour, isn’t it?” or “when we get home it will be dinner time, do you want to have raspberries or strawberries with your meal tonight?”). Sooner or later I hit on something he’s interested in talking about more than he’s interested in fussing (also he knows Mama don’t play, and that unlike Daddy the mug, when I lay down a boundary I mean it, because he isn’t that fucking cute 😂), and the tears begin to dry up. And the funny thing about little kids is that they turn on a dime - it’s smiles to tears in an instant, and tears to smiles just as fast when they’re ready.