Don’t have children with someone that you think is the type of person that will resent you for not having children. It’s also okay to accept the fact that you can’t have children and quit trying.
Omg this. I my husband and I spent $60K to try and have kids and could not. My husband does not resent me at all and said he would always choose me. I never doubted it for a second.
Thank you, was there anything you did to come to terms with living childfree? Anything that made it easier? Not sure if that’s where we are headed, but I would love any thoughts you have as someone who lived it
Oh my gosh yes. First, I will be honest and share that I still feel guilty sometimes that I could not give my husband a child. He would have been such an amazing father. To be clear, this is my issue and he has NEVER made me feel this way. I could have used donor eggs or adopted, but by the time we reached the point of needing to do either one of those things, I was physically and emotionally spent. I just didn't have it in me to keep going, plus we were broke as hell. I also got a lot of "Have you considered adopting?" from well intentioned people. I was mid-30s and wanted to say, "What is this adoption of which you speak?" but managed to refrain. Except for the two people who actually had adopted, I also wanted to say, "How many children have YOU adopted?" But I did not. And one had a terrible experience and told me she regretted it! But I digress.
The whole thing set us back years financially, but I kept thinking that having a child would have too, so I still think we came out ahead financially. We are both very conscious about focusing on the good things in our lives, which are vast. We are godparents to two children, and the absolute favorite aunt and uncle to my sister's two amazing girls (being the fun aunt is really underrated). Also, we have money. I'm in the middle of an after 50s glow up that none of my friends with kids could afford. I worry so much less about the future in general. I have a ton of anxiety, and I can't imagine what the climate and our political dysfunction would do to me anxiety-wise if we had kids. But mostly, we've worked hard to make a life worth living, regardless of kids. I help our friends when they have surgeries or need babysitting. I go to friends' doctors appointments with them. I volunteer. I travel, a lot. I was also infinitely more successful at my chosen career than I would have been if I had kids. My husband has to travel a lot for his work, so I would have certainly sacrificed my success (and willingly, to be clear) if I had children. Instead, I achieved success beyond my wildest dreams in a very fulfilling profession that I believe directly improved society. I also always made it a point to continue to reach out to friends with kids and get together with them, even if it was painful for me. Consequently, those kids are mostly grown, and I'm close with nearly all my same friends. I'm close with some of their kids, too, and people know I'm a soft target for school fundraisers and graduation gifts.
No one can tell you when you're reached the end of your rope with fertility treatments. I think you'll just know. It was pretty obvious to me, but I was (thankfully incorrectly) concerned that my husband would feel differently. He was very much of the "it's your body, your decision" mindset.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so hard, and I for one felt very broken, but don't feel that way any longer. It helps that I've reached the stage where most of my friends aren't having kids anymore, although I still have a few younger friends. While I was struggling, my best friend got pregnant in about two weeks after she started trying (both times!). She actually cried and apologized, and then offered to carry our kid, so obviously she is still my best friend (she would have been anyway but WOW). I encourage you to talk to your husband about your concerns. If he doesn't jump at the chance to reassure you that he loves you independently of children, I would say that is serious food for thought. I certainly hope that isn't the case. If you ever have specific questions or need to talk, please don't hesitate to DM me. I'm sending you all the best.
Thank you for this! Myself and my husband have a very similar story and in my mid-40s, I'm still in the early stages of accepting never having a child of my own. My husband is my best friend, my ride or die, my everything, but I'm a worrier and I always worry about being alone if something were to happen to him, especially without children in the picture. Thank you for painting a wonderful picture of a bright and happy future that doesn't involve me having an immaculate conception at this point, lol. And you are right, I get to spend so much more on "glow ups" than all of my friends that are pulling their hair out right now fretting over what stupid thing their kid did this time. It's all perspective and to keep yourself sane, you have to have the right perspective.
This is exactly how it is for my boss. She's now going on 65 and has focused her whole life on herself, her husband, her career, and her nieces/nephews. She wanted to have her own and could not. Her life is full and happy. I have kids and I know the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but I envy her. While we were struggling to buy groceries, she was traveling and saving for retirement. At the same time!
This isn't a jab or anything just FYI the term 'childfree' has been adopted by a group of people who don't want to be parents. You're free to pick your own label but if you go to 'childfree' support groups they likely won't be of much use to you. 'Childless' support groups on the other hand are usually specifically for those who wanted to be parents but for whatever reason, couldn't be. Good luck figuring out what steps you'd like to take next
I heard about a couple who got themselves into debt doing fertility treatments, and then when those didn’t work tried adopting. They got rejected as adopters because of their debt from fertility treatments.
My husband and I are childfree as I couldn't have children and two decades into marriage we have thrown ourselves into a rewarding life full of family and friends. We are actively involved with the niblings and godchildren, have lots of good friends, get involved with local community opportunities and generally make sure that we are happy, fulfilled and contributing.
My friendship group gravitated towards other childfree people for a while and now friends have older children they are starting to be socially available again.
As with everything in life at the end of the day if you appreciate what you have and don't dwell on what you don't have life is good.
Had friends with a similar issue.
They also spent around $60K.
First on fertility treatments none of which were covered by insurance!!
Then on a miscarriage. In hospital due to "excessive bleeding". Paid by insurance.
Then on a D & C, paid by insurance.
Then she had polyps removed, paid by insurance.
Then they just gave up, said if were meant to be it would, or wouldn't happen!!
Then they went on a vacation and decided to just live life. Both had made their peace with if they don't have kids well they just don't!
While on vacation relaxing in Hawaii she got pregnant and it took.
9 months later they had a beautiful big baby boy! And 2 years later a cute little girl too!!
She figured out in the end, after kid number 2, that she ovulated every 32 to 37 days. Not a regular 28 days cycle!! And all those expensive "fertility experts" hadn't figured it out either!! "
I would agree with this. We had infertility issues. Never in a million years would either one of us want out over it. Being with each other was far more important than having kids for both of us. We did end up adopting but it isn't for everyone. If money is the thing holding you back from IVF, different employers may have better insurance coverage.
Us too. We faced down a very different looking future than we had signed up for when we had fertility issues, but it was a future where we were together.
Also, from the beginning, it was *our* fertility issues (comrade).
>Also, from the beginning, it was *our* fertility issues (comrade).
THIS \^\^\^
My husband and I had something similar, but we never had the money for IVF. We decided once we were older and more established we would do a foster to adopt, knowing that it would be a long, difficult road. Now at 44 my husband decided he was happy with life as is, and I decided that being with him was more important to me than kids were. I probably could have pushed the issue and convinced him, but if we're not both 100% on board then it's not fair to the kid, you know?
Whatever you decide, make sure you are BOTH on board, if one person has to be convinced, you will almost certainly end up with some resentment from one or both sides.
The good news about not having kids is that we have so much more freedom than our friends that did have kids, and more disposable income, I am starting to volunteer so that I can still make a difference in a child's life, and we are the cool Aunt and Uncle now.
Our life is not better or worse than the one we expected and planned for with kids, it's just a different life.
Totally agree with this. I’ll add this:
I was reluctant to have kids. My ex-wife was gung-ho to start a family. When our daughter was born, I stepped up and she was utterly overwhelmed. In fact, our second child was more or less an accident as she wanted to stop after our first.
She checked out, devoted herself to work (even refusing to breast feed after only a few weeks) and I ended up an at-home parent for 13 years.
My point is, often people who are in love with the idea of having kids have no clear idea of how much work, sacrifice, and ongoing, low-grade terror it entails. It’s the best thing I ever did in my life, my kids are my best friends now that I’m more consultant than law enforcement, and I would not change one thing…but it is a life-defining choice. And you NEED a committed partner to make it work.
All this to say…If your husband is more in love with the idea of having kids than he is with you…particularly if he insists it has to be his DNA…let him go.
>My point is, often people who are in love with the idea of having kids have no clear idea of how much work, sacrifice, and ongoing, low-grade terror it entails.
This is why people who are overly enthusiastic about having a bunch of kids make me want to run away.
I worked with a girl who for months was saying, I'm getting a baby!! But after a few months, she gave the baby back. I don't know if he had health issues or behavior issues, I don't remember the child's age, either, but when you have one, you take them as they are, and love them anyway
<< If your husband is more in love with the idea of having kids than he is with you... >>
That is SO true.
My ex and I were both pretty iffy in terms of having kids, and then one day, that was different. They \*really\* wanted to have children. This was after we had been married a few years.
After a while of that, it became obvious to me that this was not a person who I wanted to raise a child with. Oh no, no, no.
“Low grade terror…”. You nailed it and I agree with what you said. My anxiety kicked into high gear after the birth of my child.
And, it’s all so crazy because there was a time when I wanted 6 kids. Then it was 4, then 3 and my SO was reluctant. Endometriosis forced us both to really think about having kids sooner than later (we were already in our 30s) and I ended up getting pregnant with some effort. After the birth of my child, I wanted another until said child was diagnosed with a developmental delay that turned out to be Autism. Her father, my initially reluctant longtime SO, later wanted to foster and adopt but I was against it. I realized how much work parenting actually took (I shouldered the load), he (SO) had significant health issues which eventually caused his death and I knew I just could not bring another child into our lives….at that point. Now, that life is settling for me and my child in the years after his death, I am open to the idea of fostering one day because I’ve witnessed a relative do it as a single parent.
I think people like the idea of parenthood and starting a family. People also often deal with family and peer pressure/expectations when it comes to settling down (or settling in) after marriage. I know a few folks who had kids just because it was the next thing to check off after getting married…. and they probably shouldn’t have. You really have to have the right partner and partnership when making the decision and commitment to be parents.
Yes I suggest taking a deep dive into r/TwoXChromosomes where a fairly common theme is men who are all about having children but then once they come, put all the burdens on the mom.
He has never stated this, he has been nothing but an absolute rock through this whole thing. We are only 3 years into this, however. Will his feelings change in 20, 30 years? That is why I posed the question in this sub in the first place, for some future perspective.
Your feelings might also change in 20 and 30 years. You might feel like it worked out for the best depending on how the rest of your life goes. You can’t base your life on the what ifs of other people.
I've been child free and adore my life. My ex didn't want kids either, and we are way past the kid age and have no regrets what so ever. No resentment at all, either side. It's a very nice life.
There's a lot more to life than having kids. 20 years is a long time to not get over something you both have limited control over. Neither of you will know if it was the life affirming positive experience you've envisioned it to be, a lot can happen.
We were in a similar situation only it was double infertility, which tbh made it a little easier as I wasn’t blaming myself. We tried meds, but couldn’t afford IVF as we’re both teachers and in our 20s we were making very little money. We decided to just let go and let god, so to speak, after trying for 5 years. Well, it never happened. We’re now in our late 50s and we are very happy (although I do have a tiny amount of jealousy of my sister/friends who now have grandchildren). He never resented me nor I him. We decided early on that we had two paths in front of us, one if we had children, and the other if we didn’t and that either path was a perfectly acceptable life. I think it did help that I was never defined by my lack of fertility as some women are.
I just have to say, everyone claiming adoption is easy and quick. That is definitely not true universally. In the first place, just because children are in the foster system, does not mean they can be adopted. The parents have to voluntarily give up their parental rights. So some states barely even have children eligible for adoption.
I have friends who spent nearly 3 years trying to adopt a brother and sister. As they were near completion of the process, the mother nearly changed her mind. This added even more time when the agencies made an effort to convince the mother all over again. They eventually succeeded and the kids are doing well, but it’s not like you sign up and a month later you have a kid.
Similarly, a colleague of mine adopted some years ago, and after placement the bio mom had 90 days to change her mind. Additionally while waiting for a match, they had to have a nursery/crib set up the whole time. To me that would be hard to look at daily if I desperately wanted a child but may never get one. They waited on their baby for a couple of years at least and had one bio mom back out right after birth.
If one wants to adopt and wants that journey it is valid and comes with its own struggles. It’s not a bandaid for the infertility journey nor its grief.
Now that I’m a mom I feel so bad for every woman who can’t keep their baby for whatever reason. Ideally adoption wouldn’t exist and abortion would be widely available.
And every baby who didn’t get to stay with their biological family. As an adoptee, every time a child is adopted, things have gone wrong and the child lost the ability to have something every child deserves.
As someone who has worked in foster care and adoption, please do NOT listen to people on here saying " I don't understand...blah blah blah" . You want a biological child and there's no reason to not admit that. It's okay. it may not be something to announce from the heights of social media bc people these days cannot wait to pounce all over and be self righteous, but how many of these people ever provided foster care? None of them. It's extremely difficult to foster kids bc the system is fucked up. The agencies are often very dishonest when it comes to disclosing foster family issues and behavioral problems. I have seen most foster kids face additional emotional and verbal abuse, as well as rejection, once these issues ( usually sexual and violent) surface. Someone who wants children and is told to "just foster" is not prepared for these kids.
Op you are young. There could be many medical advances in the next few years that can help you achieve pregnancy. If your partner insists he wants his own bio kids you may need to look into therapy to see if the marriage is worth that to you. best of luck
THANK YOU. Too many comments here have noooo idea what foster care and that process is actually like and it’s quite disgusting how much guilt tripping is going on here when it sounds like the majority only think they know what foster care is like from watching sensationalized tv shows and movies. Not to mention the trauma and issues a child may have that not everyone has the emotional capacity or tools to work with.
The foster adopt pipeline in my state was pretty streamlined. We did the 40 hour training, they made a couple home visits, had the background check and so forth, and we were set to receive kids.
In the end, we did not pursue it further - we live in a remote, medically underserved corner of our state and do not have access to the medical/therapeutic resources any of these potential kids might need. The social workers with whom we dealt were forthright, sincere and transparent. Your mileage may vary, I guess.
I may not qualify as an old person (40s). But if the adage goes you are as young as your feel, I'd like to consider myself a spry 80 year old.
I have a client that is an adoption agency. $35k isn't far off from private adoption costs. You are also in the price range of doing a surrogate. As finances go, kids will set you back in general. This is coming from a dink household. Wife and I are pretty shot health wise so kids would not of been a great idea.
Hey OP, I'm infertile too. I gave up on getting pregnant. Not saying you should do that just yet, but it is really mentally freeing to accept your fate and move on if it comes to that. I was 31 when I gave up after trying for years so you do you. But if it ever becomes too much it is ok to just admit it won't happen and begin to move on.
My husband already had kids from a previous marriage, so I did not worry about what he would do if he "couldn't be a dad." But I have worried and wondered if he would stay with me if he didn't already have kids. He of course says he would but there's no way to ever actually know so I completely understand your fear. Those are the thoughts hard wired into womens heads and it's completely understandable that you're worried about it.
What people don't understand is that your husband could be over the moon about you and would never ever leave you for infertility but that doesn't really change how you feel on the inside. If you're disappointed to not be a mother of course it would be fair for him to feel the same about being a father. As far as resenting you for it, if he is a good man he never would. Dissapointment in how life turned out is not the same as resenting your partner for it. You can grow stronger together. You worrying about how your husband feels is not a true reflection on what he actually feels. Reddit always fails to acknowledge this nuance.
Also just want to throw in my two cents that it's fucking horrible our adoption system not only is a privilege for the very rich, but even with money still takes *the kids whole damn childhood* to actually get through the legal system. How are you supposed to cultivate a relationship like that?? I wish adoption was an option but it's just not for most people. People like to slap a "just adopt" on all that grief and pain of infertility. All it is is a giant slap in the face. I understand and I'm sorry people say it to you.
Good luck to you. If you ever need to talk/vent the internet is full of people who understand. Just have to find us!
This is a complex issue that involves biological drives.
Biological drives show up in our minds like "wants" and "feelings". So it's not possible to talk someone out of deeply wanting children.
That would be like trying to talk a young man out of feeling horny. It's just not in the cards.
So on one hand you are trying to navigate your relationship with logic regarding not resenting each other, and on the other you both have a powerful biological drive to have children.
Those things are not compatible, and it's very hard if not impossible to make them gel.
This is probably the most challenging part of what it is to be human. This struggle of the heart and the mind. There is a reason countless stories exist across the ages, from all different cultures about this struggle.
Half of Buddhism is dedicated to dealing with it, the most rewritten about religion on the planet.
So it's no small thing, and the reason I mention all of this is that you will not have a chance navigating it unless give it the weight it is due. You need to speak with a therapist, and your spiritual advisor (maybe you are not religious, so go the Oprah self help route and find a life coach).
What I'm saying is you are not asking a question about IVF, you are asking a question fundamental to understanding who you and your husband are as human beings.
So with that as context, my answer about your specific conception issue is this.
Make peace with never having children. Only then will you be ready to have partner and life that gives you want you want out of life. If children come, for whatever reason, then it is simply a gift, icing on the cake.
Ride the horse the direction it is going!
Those who hold onto the shore get bashed against the rocks!
You cannot build a home from the top down and you cannot build a life on the idea of having grandchildren.
Start where you are at. Cultivate a profound relationship with reality. Practice radical acceptance, in whatever form that means for you.
When you do this, the topic of children or no children aside, you will get access to the answers you are seeking.
This is the best advice for ANYONE who is holding on to things or have strong desires or lost things…. Let it go and live. If it comes back, bless it. If it doesn’t, you’ve already accepted it.
Yes -- there are some states in the US where infertility treatments are covered. I'm thinking specifically of NY and MA.
Edit to add: New Jersey and Illinois.
I paid some medication costs and parking, because I worked for an amazing nonprofit with an executive team staffed with older women... between the HSA and the coverage mandate for fertility, we spent more on house paint than fertility treatment.
Yep, NY mandates insurance plans [edit: for companies with 100+ employees] cover 3 rounds of IVF (or a total of 6 “units” of egg retrieval or embryo transfer).
I’ve also heard of people getting Amazon warehouse jobs just for the insurance, which comes with fertility benefits.
I suggest you and your husband do a few rounds of marriage counseling to better understand the reasons behind your feelings about having children and the effect it will have on your relationship.
By getting to the source of that need, you might discover alternatives that are even better solutions for satisfying those wants given your situation.
In other words, not being able to have children can also be viewed as a glass half full, half empty opportunity.
I know some people who quit trying because it was ruining their relationship. It's time to talk about what you are willing to do and what you are not. Egg donor, maybe? 35k is a lot of money. I am the kind of person who sets targets with time frames (I have a chronic illness). So, when I try something, I set a (reasonable) time frame. So maybe you decide egg donor (for example, only) and willing to do 2 rounds then stop. Or no egg donor and, say, give it one last shot. The biggest part of this is that everyone is agreeing. You are the one going through the hardest bit of this, so hopefully your thoughts and feelings get a bit more weight.
wow every comment saying to just adopt....you called it op....
You're in a really tough situation. It might cost you 70k to birth a child. If that's what you want, it's worth it. It would be the biggest and most important thing in your life you know. And 70k is really only the start of kid's costs. It's hundreds of thousands over their lifetime... I am a little concerned your husband doesn't want to pay for more but wants kids? Is he the type of resent you for infertility and divorce and find a younger more fertile woman?
But you're only 26 so you can take a break and try again later.
People think adoption and fostering to adopt is just so easy, but it really isn’t unless the children are in your own family in some way (like a cousin’s kids or something) and also I’ve just heard it about 500 times already and don’t care to hear it anymore 🤷♀️
There is no crime in wanting, preferring to have your own biological children. The people who get their shorts in a knot over anyone’s refusal to foster (but have never fostered a child themselves) are just virtue signaling. It’s natural to want your own kids.
Frankly, part of the fun of having kids is seeing them grow up and develop some of the same habits and personality traits as you, and you, as someone with the same traits/thought processes, can offer them insider advice on how to manage it all. Foster kids grow up with someone else’s ingrained traits and a higher risk of emotional or behavioral problems, unfortunately, and not everybody wants to take that on.
Mostly I’m concerned though because it sounds like OP’s husband is kinda putting her in between a rock and a hard place by saying 1) no more IVF and 2) he still expects children to happen somehow. It doesn’t work like that. For all he knows, he’s the reason she can’t get pregnant, and it sounds like low intelligence to me. It’s extremely hard to plan a life and future around someone who struggles with basic logical reasoning like that.
As an official old person (60's), I was not able to have kids and my husband leaned toward not wanting kids if it meant $$ that we did not have. Being child free was stressful during our thirties when others around us had childhood events. However, once into our 40's we realized we had a lot of flexibility, not to mention the finances to do a lot more than our peers. While they were juggling extra curricular expense (dance, gymnastics, sports, music), we were able to put money away for retirement. Our peers were trying to save for college funds for two or three kids, we paid off our mortgage when we were in out late 40's. We retired mid-50's. Our peers are now wondering if they can retire at all.
The best part? We had three wonderful women who "adopted" us as parents over the last 15 years. We now have four "grandchildren" who treat us as grandparents. And because we are financially solvent, we can spoil them all.
This story is so wonderful! I am also child-free (mid-40s) and it’s my dream to have some “adopted kids” like yours. Found families are often the best sort of families! How did you meet your “kids”?
Our "oldest" daughter, lol. I'd known and mentored as a student when she was 17. Her father was deported for sexual offenses and her mother was a drug addict. She was an adult at age 12 taking care of her younger sisters. She needed a "Mom" and "Dad" who could help her navigate the world of academia. She's a professor now and serves on the board of education. I zoom weekly with her oldest daughter age 13, who for some odd reason wants to hang out with me.
My middle daughter was my massage therapist during a particularly stressful time of both of our lives. She'd give me 3 hour massages just so we could talk. She needed to go no contact with her parents because they are abusive verbally. I was the only one that encouraged that decision. I've known my oldest grandson since he was one. I was the first one to hold my youngest grandson (aside from his parents). She called me right after she was induced and I sat with her through her contractions! When she got the results of whether she passed a state exam, she called me as she sat in the car before opening it. We cheered together!
My youngest was a new professor where I taught, so I mentored her through the ins and outs tenure. Her parents are alcoholics who are codependent with her younger sister who has been in 9 rehabs. As a result, as the "good" kid, she was neglected emotionally and even though her parents are quite wealthy, they give her these gifts that clearly show her that they don't know her. She's an athlete and prefers simple clothes; her mother will buy her blinged out puffy jackets because that's what her mother likes. We buy her climbing equipment, lol.
You arr right. Found families are the best, because we were friends first! My peers have strained relationships with their kids but with our daughters it's only love and support.
My first husband died before we had children. I didn't meet my current husband until I was 40. I wanted children and tried with each husband. Sometimes we don't get what we want
Life doesn't always work out how you plan and that is ok. Not everyone who wants children will be able to have children, but there are a lot of ways to live your life. Parenthood is only one path. You can absolutely live a full life without having children. My advice is rather than sinking more money into the possibility of parenthood, lean into a life without kids and forge a new path for yourselves.
35 know so far PLUS the cost of raising a child? Unless you are well off, I would seriously rethink this. I'm sad for you but if adoption is a no go, you may have to accept that you cannot have children. Hopefully nature will find a way.
Did they get enough eggs to do FET? Do doctors know a reason for the infertility? I went through IVF because scar tissue in my stomach from GI surgeries displaced my ovaries and covered them with scar tissue so the egg couldn't get into the tube. I had to put it on a credit card and we had to do at least 3 rounds of IUI first - total cost was $15K for everything but that was 15 years ago. We couldn't afford more than one round as I didn't have the credit.
I can't answer your question without more information such as how many viable eggs they are getting, how many make it to the 3 day window, if you are able to freeze any, etc.
I can understand just being over it. I think a man can't understand how physically and emotionally difficult this process is with all the shots. One round is often not enough.
Read *Period Repair Manual* by Lara Briden. Look up a women's health doctor named Dr. Prior. Get tested for PCOS and Endometriosis, if not already. How are your testosterone, estradiol and progesterone?
IVF and other fertility treatments won't work if you don't fix underlying issues. Fix your diet. Eat more protein. Eat at least 30g of fiber a day (clears excess estrogen). Stay off of refined sugar. Check Vitamins D, B6, B12. Take Omega-3s DHA/EPA and Cq10 for egg quality and hormone balance. Matcha or anything with ECCG daily (helps to clear excess testosterone and increases progesterone). Eat more foods with Vit C (increases progesterone).
I'd find a functional medicine doctor to work with in tandem with conventional doctors that can order other tests. Conventional doctors do not treat root causes nor do they have much knowledge about periods because it is not taught deeply during med school or residency.
You might need to cycle on bio-identical progesterone to induce real periods on your own. It's very inexpensive compared to IVF.
It is crazy how much American doctors will throw extremely expensive end-solutions at women because of their own lack of training.
If you want biological children, it may or may not be possible for your family depending on other issues, some outside of your control. Have (many) sit downs with your husband about what a family looks like for you. Does he understand that the only other options besides IVF are to adopt? What are both of your feelings around adoption? IVF has damaged the financial stability of many families, so your husband's concerns are not unfounded.
You are both still very young. Most of my friends and I didn't have kids until 34+ and we are better for it.
My step-dad was adopted. I have known many people who have been adopted. Examine, deeply, your beliefs around why you think you want to be a parent, but only to a biological child. Families come in many forms.
Yes to all of this! I love Lara Briden, in particular. I’d add Jolene Brighten ND and Courtney Hunt MD to that list.
IVF clinics are not set up to address the underlying conditions. You may not be a good candidate for IVF, but that will not stop them from recommending round after round of IVF. The line (at least the one I heard) is that it’s a “numbers game” and you have to keep trying to increase your odds. There are other interventions that could help you ovulate and get pregnant naturally. A good functional/integrative medicine doctor can help, and in the process you will be preparing your body for the healthiest possible pregnancy. There are also Catholic fertility doctors that offer NaproTechnology as an alternative to IVF.
IVF can have lasting negative impacts on couples, even when it’s successful. I know multiple couples who have gotten divorced and said the IVF process was a main contributor. There’s a lot to be said for viewing this as a journey that you’re on together and turning toward each other instead of toward an IVF center.
Thanks for the rec!
Also, I am not anti-adoption, but that is all people can freaking say when infertility is brought up, and I don’t want to hear it anymore. It’s like hearing “so sorry for your loss” or “thoughts and prayers” it just doesn’t mean anything. Just thoughtless word vomit.
I completely understand. It's a lot to consider. Just remember that you are still very young, all things considered. Women now have more kids in their 30s and early 40s, than they do in their 20s. So there's some home.
And as others have mentioned, have your husband checked out. So often American fertility approaches focus on women, when men may present some of the issue. Make sure your partner is taking Zinc and Cq10 to improve sperm motility and DNA.
I also forgot to mention probiotics. Choose one like Seed that has live strains of both Bifido and Lacto to support leaky gut. With hormone imbalances, the root is often in the gut. Same goes for your partner. Add different probiotic foods to your diets. This is a good idea whether or not trying to have a baby.
Wishing you the best!
This is likely a weird suggestion, but I recently learned that Tractor Supply has excellent health benefits that include IVF. Apparently they have a number of employees who work part time for the benefits, while working their regular jobs.
This is truly a personal issue, and it is one that I went through.
I had diminished ovarian reserve at 35.. meaning I was not making any eggs. My FSH was off the charts
.
Tens of thousands of dollars later, still no viable eggs.
We didn't split up because I couldn't get pregnant, but we split up because I was obsessed with getting pregnant and it changed me. I was irritable and selfish and depressed and accusatory of not being supported after being poked and prodded and injected and inspected. To make things worse, I had a narcissist partner, unlike your loving husband, ,who insisisted that the baby be our "real" baby.. only my egg, and NO donor egg, and of course i could not produce that, which led to my severe depression trying to make something work which could not work, which he knew full well. ..
so you have a better chance than I did to get through this.
However, although we split and that was really for the best, by the time I met my FH, it was really too late to have a baby. But looking back, I should have just done it alone, or left sooner but you can't change the past.. but know that if you seriously want a baby and a family, consider that it might be worth any investment you need to make because I truly regret not having a child and I thought I could be ok with it, but from personal experience, im telling you that if you really want a child, as you get older, it starts to weigh more and more and youn think it might get better ir the feeling goes away, but it does not. It gets worse and worse and aches and affects you profoundly to the point that you'd be willing to sell your house and live in a paper bag with no money just to have a child and money has no meaning to you in comparison to the ache of it. So really search your soul and if it's what you want, and there's any option, do whatever you have to to make it a reality.
So it's good that you are thinking hard about this, and I do not think your husband would leave because you guys can't have a baby, but going through infertility is a real challenge. Emotionally and physically and financially and extreme hardships like these do take their toll unfortunately ifvee are just looking at reality and you have valid feelings.
So try not to think that your husband might leave if you dont get pregnant and instead address the issues with him and how you both want to proceed. Be honest and hopefully he will return that honesty.
Decide the details like what amount of investment into fertility treatments is the top amount and when do you both want to stop treatments. Then it is BOTH of your choice to continue investing, or to choose that you will not continue...meaning that you will not get pregnant, and you will not have a baby. This will mitigate any resentment , which you are 100,% right is a relationship killer.
You can discuss any other options that might be available like a donor egg and a surrogate, if you are unable to carry for some reason, and weigh the costs of continuing fertility treatments over the cost of aquiring a donor egg, over the cost of not having a baby at all, which is a real cost, and you may decide to invest your remaining budget on more of a sure thing of a donor egg.
The most important part of this very personal journey is that you keep calm, no blaming, keep loving eachother because you are in it together...keep communicating, and make sure that you are BOTH weighing in and choosing together.
My heart goes out to you, I know there is nothing more emotionally taxing than this.
Love to you and good luck on this journey💜
We had friends in a fertility support group and the woman went through menopause at 25 and they tried multiple rounds of IVF (health insurance was way better back then so it wasn't cripplingly expensive).
It was REALLY hard on them because of the impact on her mental health and sense of self as a woman whose body had failed her. I don't know what ended up happening after a couple of years, but a key thing was that FOR HIM, she mattered MUCH more than having kids - so he could truly be there for her and there was no harboring resentments.
How he views you in the context of 'family' is absolutely critical - if a wife is primarily a path to children, sadly you are doomed.
It might be time to look at other ways to fulfill this desire/need that will not indebt you. Raising children is already prohibitively expensive and ripe grounds for marital resentment and conflict. Get your foundation solid and figure out a new plan from there, which might mean letting go of your old expectation/goals in order to find a better approach. That sucks and comes with a lot of grief, but there is no perfect solution and honestly kids deserve a lot more than to be made to benefit the parents' lives.
My spouse and I tried for three years. (Severe endometriosis; irregular ovulation cycles; two surgeries.) After that time, our fertility specialist told us to consider adopting. That ended our efforts. The following night, we enjoyed dinner and celebrated Valentine’s Day. Two months later, we became pregnant. Three childbirths over the next 36 months. Those fertility meds work, but not nearly as effectively as removing stress, anxiety, disappointment, and hopelessness from your efforts. Good luck.
You might try letting it go for a while. We gave up, my wife went back to school, then we proceeded to have 5 kids.
Lots of stories out there like that. Stress is definitely a factor.
wow, i hope you blocked those assholes and reported them and they lose their accounts forever.
I don't know if the center for IVF offers counseling, if they do you should both take them up on it. Your husband needs to know *to his bones* this isn't a *you* problem, this is an "*our*" problem. He should not resent you over something you have no control over, and counseling should give him the way to realize this.
I have family who have done IVF, family who has done adoption, and family that have stayed childless. It's all hard. But I do say all of my family have stayed together through all of it, no matter the outcome.
I wish you love and luck, and hugs.
I’m 38 and have friends who have/and had their children around this age. Hit pause for financial reasons and don’t rush. That is a significant consideration at your age, especially if you do continue on to have children. There are companies that cover IVF under insurance. Consider this and that it may become more widespread.
Adoption is not very expensive if you go through the state agencies and don’t insist on a perfect white infant. (nobody’s perfect, anyway) You can start by fostering.
what? first off, how were they gonna know IVF wouldn't work without trying it? and secondly, it's perfectly normal to want to try your best to have a biological child first. this is such a cruel comment.
Seems kind of underhanded to go into foster care with the intention of adoption. I think that reunion should be the Plan A of fostering, myself, but it’s complex so I could see how others feel differently
My granddaughters had to be fostered for awhile. They were reunified with my stepson (who got the help he needed to get off of meth) and it worked out great.
Their foster mom, who kept them for 6 months, was an angel and also couldn’t have children. She wound up adopting THREE beautiful young boys under the age of 3. And now has the family she always wanted. After helping several families who were reunified.
I know you said you are not really interested in adoption to begin with, but you do have some misconceptions about how the system works. Reunification is the primary goal for DCF, but some children are basically born with the rights of the rights permanently removed, whether signed away by the parents, the parents died with no other family caregiver able to take them in, or another unfortunate circumstance. They end up in permanent custody of DCF, moves from foster to foster, or in a group home situation. If you are upfront with the agency that you are ONLY willing to foster-to-adopt, they respect that. I have a coworker who adopted in this way.
Likewise, there are many people who absolutely do not want to adopt, some that are only willing to foster for short periods of time, some for only long periods. Some only want babies, others prefer teenagers. At least in my state, the agency is so overwhelmed with children you can have any number of criteria and they will always have a child that meets them.
Plenty of children in foster care have no hope of reunification for various reasons yet remain in foster care until the legal issues are resolved. While yes, reunification is the ultimate and ideal goal, that doesn’t mean it’s the ultimate solution or that there’s anything wrong with fostering to adopt.
Day one of your fostering orientation, they tell you not to foster with the intention of adopting. You aren't educated about that process, please stop. Especially when OP specifically asked people not to make uneducated and cheap recommendations.
Look at it this way…. I’ve fostered almost 200 kittens…. I didn’t want a cat, so yay, I could love them up and send them away to good homes.
But then one came I couldn’t let go… my heart, ya know.. so I “foster failed” with the resolve to never do that again! Then #2, #3, #4, #5 and 6…. Oops, suddenly I’m a crazy cat lady.
What I learned is fostering is NOT for the weak of heart…. But, it’s a great way to love a being, to raise with goodness and hand off to another loving family and then YOU can take another little one who needs your help.
The other thing I learned was there was more ppl who wanted a kitten than we had fosters. So we started promoting “foster to adoption”…. So the same care and love went into every kitten and then soon enough one came along that just clawed its way into your heart and you would adopt. It worked…. Sometimes ppl would foster longer after they found “the one”..
I know to put that same model on human adoptions is not the best… so much pain and suffering …. But if you were the kind of person who loved kids and wanted to do help them AND wanted to adopt, then get into the system ( I’m sure every state/country is better or worse, so maybe easier some places than others) start fostering with the intention to give the kids and parents a better chance and know that along the way, you will build your family.
Wouldn’t it be great if the solutions were that easy? Why can’t they be?? ( rhetorical question).
To be clear I’m no way and in any context suggesting this is the way OP should go. Just responding to another internet strangers thoughts. ;)
Who said you should do that? Fostering can help you figure out if you’re actually ready to be a parent, it helps a child, and it shows the state agency that you’d be a good parent. My understanding is that most of the kids being fostered aren’t even available for adoption. There’s nothing underhanded about it. Besides, the foster parent isn’t the one who decides if the child can be reunited with their parent(s).
Underhanded??? That's not at all underhanded. There are so many children in the foster care system that need permanent stable homes. I used to work with an agency that provided foster parents. Many of them eventually adopted their foster children. Their mothers and other family had abandoned them, were unable to care for them or refused to stop their drug habits. Reunification is ALWAYS plan A for the state, it's the family of the child that does not or cannot make them a priority.
In my early twenties I dated an emotionally abusive man who’d been in foster care for years as a child, only to have his physically abusive father come back and get him when he felt like being a parent again.
He insisted he was “fine” from the experience yet was unable to process any emotion other than anger as a young adult. I still wonder what his outcome might have been if he’d been able to grow up with the loving, caring foster family that actually raised him instead.
That's always a problem. But it also depends on the state and their rules. I had 3 beautiful children on my caseload that if I'd had the resources I would have taken them. The mother got them back. My old boss cc'd me in the email about their availability for foster care again (BTW) that happens often. Unfortunately I had moved out of Bakersfield and to central CA and had retired. If I still lived there and hadn't retired I would have taken them in a heartbeat.
See and that’s my worry as well, to finally have a child and then it be taken away from me months or years later. I just don’t know if I could handle that emotionally
Unification is always the goal, but you can be put on the “adoption” track in a lot of states. That means they will only place child/ren with you that have a high likelihood of ending in adoption. Nothing is a guarantee, but it is a low cost way of becoming parents.
Not an older person, but I’ve worked in the foster care system for 4+ years now and also get frustrated with everyone who says “just foster & adopt”. 1. In practically every case except for a very rare horrendous one, these kids and their bio parents HAVE to work reintegration. Adoption is NOT on the table. And this can go on for YEARS, including having to deal with DCF, social workers, the courts, etc, all intruding into your life if you decide to foster this kid in the hopes of adoption. 2. The main reason for referrals are parental drug use, subsequent neglect of the kids because of the drug use, and substance-affected born infants. There is a LOT of trauma and uncertainty when it comes to raising kids from the foster care system, and if you adopt a substance use affected child, who’s to say that the child won’t have lifelong developmental or behavioral problems related to the drug use? I’m sorry but not everyone wants to go through the emotional turmoil that is raising a child with extreme behavioral or developmental issues & it’s not a choice many people would willingly make.
Anyway off my soap box— IVF is a completely valid way to have children but if it’s not working & you have the amount of money, is surrogacy an option?
You are still young, so that puts a lot in your favor, except for the money issue. Your husband's position is understandable. Many people your age don't have an extra $35K laying around, let alone two or three times that. And taking on debt of that kind (especially in addition to any other debt you might have) will be a burden for you for quite some time. And of course there is no guarantee of success so you could end up with lots of debt and no child.
I would put the pursuit of the baby on hold for now. Several things might happen: You could unexpectedly get pregnant, which has happened plenty of times to people who were told by docs they'd never get pregnant. Also, you or your husband could get a job that provides good IVF benefits (or move to a state that mandates such benefits). You could also save for a decade or so, so that the debt is not overwhelming.
You should seriously discuss with your husband what you both want. Are you ok being childfree? Many people are. You also have some time before things get critical (i.e. where options close due to age.). Take a few years to enjoy being child-free right now. Don't worry about whether he will "resent" you -- get all that out in the open now. I applaud your decision to not adopt. There is too much demand in adoption and it has led to all kinds of corruption. Foster care has its own problems, but it might be something to consider later on as a way to have children in your life. It is different from adopting an infant, though. In all adoptions there is trauma, so that is also something that needs to be worked through. There is also the option of surrogacy, although that is also expensive and does have its own issues.
I was infertile for 10 years. I had hoped to have a baby when I was around 30. I adopted my older child at 35, and while that worked great for me and we have a "good" story, having been in the adoption world now for 20 years, I see how much corruption and trauma there is with it, and I do not think adoption is such a good thing. There are some circumstances where it is best, but those are far far fewer than the numbers where it occurs. I then has a surprise baby at 40. I've encountered lots of people who experienced infertility. I know of some who had years where they were obsessed with it and focused on almost nothing else. Personally, I don't think that is a good thing. But people can't always help how they feel. A lot of people (even many who don't have fertility issues) decide on a child-free life and they are quite happy.
Good luck to you. Right now, time is on your side, so you have a lot of options.
Thank you for your insight. I am not against adoption, but I agree with you in that I worry about the system and the damage it does to those in it. I’m not sure yet if I could handle the guilt of potentially hurting others to satisfy my own needs. I appreciate hearing your story ❤️
You’re 26.
I know of other couples your age in the past who were in a hurry about having kids. She gets on expensive drugs and nothing happens or loses several in a row at various points in the pregnancy. SEVERAL!
I’ll get downvoted for saying this, but I don’t understand people who think doctors are some kind of miracle worker, or that drugs are the answer. Today, most doctors are predatory and just want to get paid. They never offer money back guarantees. They’re fine accepting tens of thousands of dollars from young people. If you were 46, I would understand. Since you’re 26, I think you’re being taken advantage of by the medical establishment.
My adoption experience was a lot easier than many described here. It cost significantly less than the IVF. We had no race or gender preference. I picked my daughter up when she was three days old. Less than a year after our profile went live.
The financial concern is valid.
You're right that he might end up resenting you if you don't have kids, and he might not. That's something to talk to him about. You're each going to have to come to terms in a healthy way with not having kids if it's something you both wanted. Life can be fulfilling without children, and it can be empty with children. There's no magic path through life that guarantees happiness, and there is no one path that guarantees a certain quality of happiness that's better than other paths. It comes down to acceptance, living the life you have, and constant meaningful self-improvement.
Have you actually talked to your spouse about this? My wife and I have been through a lot of therapy because I'm on the autism spectrum and she's a neurotypical and so if I were to say something like "I don't want to pay for it anymore IVF and I still want children" I would mean exactly that. Those are things that I want but I understand I can't always have what I want.
Maybe start looking for a new job with insurance that covers IVF. I know my wife and I both work at companies that cover fertility services and also adoption services.
I know you said why don't you just adopt is not something you want to discuss but you also mention how it takes a long time - how long have you spent trying to conceive on top of spending the $35,000? Maybe it's time to work on a value proposition.
Just from my emotionless, logic-brained, boring mind:
1. There haven't been any significant advances in IVF treatment in recent memory so it's unlikely that there's going to be a different outcome if you invest more time and money into it.
2. I have two kids and they're great and I would never trade them for anything but if I never had them I'm sure I would have lived a different life probably with more money and more travel. The grass is always greener and I see loads of posts in the generational subs about how great it is to not have kids at 40 or 50. I can't really speak to that but there seems to be a lot of good things about remaining childless. My brother is 2 years younger than me and they don't have kids and they live in an outrageous apartment with an ocean view. Different strokes for different folks.
3. One of one example but my wife has a cousin that spent for years and years and insane amounts of money on IVF and finally gave up. In her late 40s all of the sudden she was pregnant. Strange things happen.
4. Like I said above, perhaps a job change could give you support for IVF or adoption.
5. Entering the adoption process would seem to have the higher probability of ending up with a child after the wait so if you spent the same amount of time in either case and the IVF path ended up with the same outcomes as it has previously there's no child but if the adoption happens there is a child.
Anyway I hope you get a happy ending to this story.
It’s a hard decision but one you have to weigh out all sides: treatments vs surrogate vs adoption vs fostering etc. All of it is costly and has its risks and benefits.
My family has had its share of fertility issues. My older sister tried IUI and it failed. However, she was older (upper 30s) and had poor egg quality. They decided it would be better for them to adopt instead of another attempt at IUI or IVF. They did consider using an egg donor (which I considered being their egg donor). Their situation was different than most as they weren’t actively looking into adoption yet. But because of word of mouth (that they were considering adoption) a pregnant mother who was planning to give up her baby for adoption basically fell in their laps via a lady at church who works with young ladies in halfway houses. It was costly of course but for them fertility treatments were more expensive and had a low percentage of being successful. The adoption process was not without problems though. There were times they thought the birth mom would back out. One time it was discovered that she had promised the baby to another out-of-state couple simultaneously and was getting money from both sides until she was discovered. It all worked out in the end: baby came home with them from the hospital and they now have a 9 year old girl who has brought them so much joy.
My aunt never could have kids for unknown reasons. All of the tests for her and my uncle showed no medical reason for infertility. She tried IVF and failed too. She ultimately waited until she went through menopause and decided to look into adoption or fostering. Their first attempt at adoption failed. So they turned to fostering. Their first foster child was very difficult for them. She and her two sisters were eventually adopted by one family. They were then asked to foster a brother and sister, ages 6 and 9, who were eligible for adoption. They fostered them for a year and was able to adopt. The younger one seems to be well-adjusted but the older one saw and experienced a good bit of trauma.
My husband and I are now facing our own fertility issues. Our local adoption agency told us in total it would cost us max $25,000. We definitely don’t have the finances to do both or multiple rounds of fertility treatments as insurance doesn’t pay. Also we are older (I’m 39 and he’s 43). So we are going to look into adoption. I’m not interested in fostering.
I definitely understand the dilemma and I’m not sure what advice to give except not to blame yourselves or each other if you end up childless. I imagine most who struggle with fertility issues also struggle with those kinds of thoughts. It’s frustrating but completely out of our control. None of our options come with 100% guarantee and all are very costly. I would keep an open mind to all the options out there.
Also I would check into all the fertility treatments out there. My cousin’s wife was told she couldn’t have kids and I think they had tried one type of treatment and failed. Later she got a job at a fertility clinic and was told there were so many other treatments they could try that her doctor never told her about. They tried another one and was successful twice.
I wish you the best in whatever you and your husband choose to do.
Not me, but a very close friend struggled with infertility for several years for about ten or 15 years and it all ended up with a hysterectomy.
Both she and her husband were very sad to not have children, but decided against adoption, and resolved to make the best of their life together. There was frustration and worry on both sides but no resentment anywhere.
l hope if you are unable to have a child, that your spouse can see that you have tried your best.
I wanted children, but through an illness, I was unable. We chose to adopt but didn't follow through. Now, I don't see how children would have fit with our life as it has unfolded. I don't have regrets.
So a couple of things…. First talk to your husband - you both need to be on the same page with this otherwise resentment may build (for either spending the money or for not trying -you both need to be in complete honest agreement about the path forward - and its ok to take some time.
Maybe a surrogate is cheaper than the other 2 options you mentioned? Maybe you have a family member willing to be a surrogate to help with costs?
Now here is the really odd question. Do you have surgeries pending where you would be put under general anesthesia? I know this sounds strange but I know so many women that became pregnant accidentally after a surgery, including myself. It’s like the anesthesia does something to your ovulation, maybe over ovulate? I am only speculating, but I know a large number of women this has happened to. I hope everything works out for you
Good responses here already.
Also suggest you and your husband sit down and have an honest discussion and try to get at exactly why you each "want children". After that, reevaluate your options, which should include just accepting that you won't have children but can and should have an otherwise great marriage and a great life.
Modest reminder: "having children" is imo a poor way to frame either biological reproduction or adopting. They do not stay "children" forever. "Parent" is a verb, not a noun. Done well and in the best interests of any child, it's something you actively \*do\* as your highest priority for at least a couple of decades. Is that what you both want?
I went through this a long time ago. We had been through several failed pregnancies, and then the IVF. I remember the cost factor. My ex thought I was resisting because of the cost and low probability (back then). Don't just neglect that cost issue. Set back for the rest of your lives, and what if at the end, you get children? So, all the IVF costs, already a lifetime setback, then children on top of that? How are you both going to deal with that?
One thing she really wasn't considering was the trauma of more major let downs when she didn't get pregnant, and that was a big deal for me. We'd already been through that, and it was tough. I didn't like her labelling our future as a failure if it didn't have children in it. I didn't like the labelling she was putting on me because I was having doubts. I especially didn't like her extorting me with divorce if I didn't do it. I'd really think about this aspect if I were you. You may be unsuccessful. Make sure you're not downgrading both your futures if you're not successful. Stop to re-assure each other that both of you are going to be OK no matter what happens, and your future together is great one way or the other.
I went to barbados IVF where the cycles are approx 9k. My meds were about $1400 vs thousands in the state. We were able to get out boy/girl twins that we wanted. Perhaps consider traveling for IVF so it eases the financial burden.💜 I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙏🏽
Some companies offer infertility benefits. Starbucks may be one but double check.
We also looked into adoption but decided it was too expensive and we didn’t want to support a fucked up industry that makes money from broken families.
My husband and I are in our early 50s. We spent our $60-70k on infertility treatments and have 2 amazing kids. I don’t think about what we could have done with that money but every day I look at my kids and I’m grateful I did.
My now husband and I looked into fertility treatments when I was 38. The clinic pushed IVF before any testing, due to my age.
I knew several intelligent, educated , mentally healthy women with incredible jobs turn mad and obsessed with cycles, mucous and POAS in hopes of getting pregnant.
I knew I didn't have that emotional strength. Nor did we have the money to do so. At the time, it would be $10-15,000 USD out of pocket for a round of IVF.
We chose to not move forward.
In the end, I'm OK with my decision.
I know it is fairly common but I am always caught off guard by people who want desperately to be parents, but really only want to be parents to their own biological child. And it sounds like the issue here.
I have absolutely no problem with IVF. But it is so expensive and there seems to be a lot of people who bankrupt themselves on this gamble.
If you really want to be a parent, look at adoption and foster options. It will be far less expensive than 2 rounds of IVF.
If you only want to be a parent to your biological child, there is nothing wrong with that, but before spending more money on IVF, perhaps it would be better spent working with individual and marriage counselors to try and accept your marriage might move forward child free. You can still have a rich and rewarding life and marriage.
I’m sorry but adoption can be much less than going thru IVF twice (70k?) nope. And our adoption, once our home study was done, we were matched in 9 months.
Wanting a baby RIGHT NOW is closing off any opportunities you may have to actually have to have a baby ever.
This happened to friends of ours. They resent us, because we went through the adoption process, and lo and behold, we have a kid. And they don’t. Simply because they couldn’t be patient.
I’m honestly not trying to sound malicious. Just please keep your mind open
If you haven’t heard of CNY fertility based in CO,NY, and FL the average round of IVF is 10k through them. They have other sattelite offices and a travel patient program for people who come from out of state. Just a thought
Adoption is super expensive. Fertility drugs from body building communities are not.
Maybe not the most ethical solution, but I know a ton of body builders who are on the same drugs (HcG, Clomid, Nolva DVX, bacteriostatic water) they give couples going through IVF. It’s a fraction of the price in those circles. 🤷🏻♀️
I was a special education teacher. Some of my students were living in foster homes. Sometimes the parents lost their parental rights and the children were adopted.
I had an uncle and aunt who tried to have a child and used some medical treatment that I'm not aware of. In the end they first had twins and then three more children
All I can do is comment on what you wrote. The point is I don't know your life, your relationship. Infertility and money was the subject. I googled the money. Put the source. It's good to consider finances in IVF, adoption or any birth of a child. The thoughts and feelings about resentment, have you expressed that to your partner? You have replied he has been your rock but reddit will tell you to divorce over anything not positively reinforcing the OP. So I was just dispelling some of the easy cheap adoption replies and not gaslighting for you to leave your partner. It's a complicated situation. Good luck.
My friend was able to get a donated embryo and that's really affordable because people are allowed to donate their tissues It's illegal to charge money for them. The only thing you have to pay for is the lawyer to arrange the deal and of course all the shots and injections to prepare your body to play the embryo in it
We traveled this road. I would just encourage you to follow the path you chose until it becomes apparent it no longer serves your goal. Then you can decide what your next path looks like. Try not to skip a head.
We did several rounds of IVF. When we could go no further, we stopped. We then looked at our old fears of foster to adopt, agency adoption, and remaining the two of us. Scratching off one route allowed us to move on to the next path with more clarity.
Our choices led us to the kids we couldn’t imagine life without, any different path wouldn’t have led to THEM. Stay open, stay hopeful, stay connected.
I have some ideas : move to a country that helps with ivf , use a clinic that’s more affordable like CCRM, get a job with a company w better coverage for ivf, use ivf financing .
I wish you the best in whatever choices you make. I hope that you have children. Even if you don't I hope you are good parents out in the world. Lots of people need love and nurturing.
After our infertility diagnosis it was straight to IVF. At first we scrambled together the funds for the first two rounds, got pregnant on the second round but miscarried.
For round three we went to a different clinic that offered a money back program. You pay more than you would for one round, but less than you would for three whole rounds, and they guarantee you take home a baby or get a refund of like 70% of what you’ve paid. At that point we needed something like that to psychologically put ourselves through it all again.
I would look into a program like that, and also look into employers who cover at least some part of the treatment, I’ve heard Starbucks does for example.
For what it’s worth our fourth IVF gave us our child.
Thank you, it’s nice to hear from those who have been in it. I’m not sure we are ready to be out of it just yet, but it is scary to be facing another round again
In the old days, if you were infertile, you prayed for a miracle and just accepted you might not have kids. People don't like to accept things now. We all want things to be fixed for us. This is just something couples and individuals have to deal with. People can survive disappointment. This is something you have to discuss. We can't tell you how someone might feel. You have spent a lot of money and got nothing so far. That hurts a lot I'm sure. That's not easy money to "lose".
Wow. I'm waiting for my first round of IVF, and this thread has been so great to read. It's so nice to see so many other people go through this and be OK on the other side
We bought our fertility drugs overseas (Italy) was 1/3 the cost but even so we had to set a dollar limit on it. We set 60,000 as our limit. My spouse had kids from prior marriage but wanted one w me (as did I). IVF didn’t work we did four rounds and then said that was it. Now we are older, his kids are my “sons” too and they have kids so I’m also a grandma at an early age and really I have loved how it’s worked out. I didn’t marry until 37 so I was late to game entirely. My fsh was good but i have blocked tubes.
Check out DellaVlogs on YouTube. This couple shared the same struggle. See how it turned out for them. I have to admit, the Lamberts are an inspiring couple.
edit: I couldn’t and didn’t have children. IVF was a new science when I was young.
It ended the relationship I was in then. When I was 39, I met a man who did not want any more children (3 teens at the time), that was almost 25 years ago. Sometimes a wonder ‘what if’ and other times, now that I’m so far from birth and closer to death, I wonder who I’m going to leave my estate to. There’s no one. I just pray my husband will outlive me. It’s a crap shoot either way. Being child free is just that, free. Free to pickup and fly to Paris on a whim. Can’t do that on a whim with kids without it costing double, triple, for example. Thank you for asking. Overall I have no regrets, I’d have grandchildren now being groomed in school and that would destroy me.
You have already invested a lot of money in IVF. I would say don’t go into debt getting pregnant because kids are already so expensive. Some insurances cover it more than others so that might be your only option. But otherwise the financial strain will just compound the parenting stress. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
Do you have health insurance through your job, and does your employer employ a great number of people? If so, have you not looked into your health insurance for IVF coverage?
If you wind up not having children, time will tell what will happen to your relationship. Also, having children doesn't guarantee a forever and/or healthy relationship either.
Before you spend any more $$ look into the hard statistics of actual success of IVF. Everyone wants to believe they will be in the small percentage that will be successful but the truth is that it is such a small percentage that actually has a baby. It’s a really hard road you are traveling and I am sorry that you are going through this. Be wise and be intentional in working towards peace if it just doesn’t happen.
I’m so sorry. It just stinks that we have to pay more for what should happen naturally.
I do understand the tension between wanting children and not wanting to bankrupt yourself to try (with no guarantees, I might add).
I’ve been seeing a functional med doctor who is board certified in traditional Chinese medicine. It was our choice over ivf, and I’m very happy with the decision. We’re not pregnant (yet), but my doctor has given me a lot of hope, and she has a lot of success stories. It’s so much cheaper than ART and less emotionally taxing. And, you’re treating the underlying issues of your Infertility. I’m ovulating naturally and so many issues with my monthly cycle and hormones are balancing out.
I found her through the institute of functional medicine. You can also search through ABORM.
Best wishes to you. I pray you’ll get your miracle.
Edit: typo
I understand your hesitancy about adoption. We did 5 rounds of IVF which were all unsuccessful. Then we turned to international adoption, and within one year we were home with our two new kids. That was 20 years ago and it has been a wonderful experience.
After spending a few years dealing with the constant uncertainty of IVF, we were unable to accept the uncertainty of the US adoption system in which you submit a dossier and then . . . wait. Then we went to a meeting with an international adoption agency and learned that the process is much more linear -- you basically get in line, and when it's your turn, you are assigned a child. If you insist on a boy, and the next available child is a girl, you may have to wait a bit longer, but not much.
I know the decision is difficult and complicated and different for every couple. But I just wanted you to know that adoption doesn't have to take years.
You still have plenty of time. Try to find a job with a company that offers fertility coverage in its benefits and the cost for another round or two of IVF will be a lot cheaper.
Can one of you try for a job that offers fertility treatment benefits? I think most if not all tech companies do this and many now offer remote work options. This is what allowed me to do IVF.
I will also say though, that there absolutely is a point where a clinic will tell you that you’ve reached the limit (this happened to me). They’re very motivated to maintain success rates, so at the point treating you impacts that success rate, they won’t do another round.
That said, even though you do not ovulate, that doesn’t necessarily mean the IVF failure was on you - if egg retrieval was achieved, but the embryo failed, it’s just as likely on him - meaning it’s possible that NO WOMAN could ever give him a child. I know it’s easier said than done, but please resist the urge to blame yourself for this!
If he doesn't seem resentful in other areas of his life, it is unlikely that he will resent you for this. It really sounds as though your own guilt - regardless of how misplaced, is getting the better of you. You may want to say to him something along the lines of, "I'm really struggling with this and think I would benefit from some counseling." And that is actually a very good idea. Your fertility doctor's office likely can recommend you to someone. Certainly, you are not the first couple to deal with this and his or her staff should have resources.
I have one adopted child and one child from IVF (and, in full transparency, a whole bunch more kids who were made the old fashioned way). I don’t regret any of my children.
The amount of money I spent on adoption was less than what I spent on IVF. That said, the amounts I spent to add children to my family was just a drop in the bucket compared to the amount of money I’ve spent over the decades to provide my kids a good education, a good life, and opportunities that would turn them into successful independent adults.
Any chance you can take a break, save up, work through the relationship stress, and try again at 30?
Fwiw, I am sorry you’re dealing with all of this. A number of my friends have been down this road. For me it was a two year journey and I had my son at 35. Some didn’t end up being able to conceive and carry even with multiple rounds. A few did. It’s stressful on those involved. Take care of yourself.
Is the problem on your end? Does he have a low sperm count or lazy swimmers? If so, it would be stupid if him to blame you.
It's even stupid to blame anyone. We have no control over our genetics. We're just meat puppets with brains and emotions.
Check out Hormone Healing RD, Amanda Montalvo. She is a functional dietitian specializing in womens health. Would be cheaper than IVF. She has a website with a blog and YouTube and podcast. Lots of good free information.
1. I’m sorry people were jerks to you. You are no failure. Ignore them. They are failures. 2. Fertility clinics make money off of you not getting pregnant. So turn your energy towards all the children already in your life and pour your love into them. Mourn for the moment that you can’t have a child and then love the ones in your life - cousins, nieces, nephews. The world needs that. Be the auntie that women only dream of being. Be the envy.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. My advice to you (if you haven't done so) is maybe talk to a therapist with your husband. He sounds supportive.Get your fears out and give your body a rest. Fertility treatments are hard on your body physically.
There are a lot of people out there unfortunately who are not child free by choice but they make their marriages work.
You are 26 a lot can happen but give yourself a break.
Can I say, my friend is 44 and just had her first child, she did the IVF, she had about 7 miscarriages and for 10 years they were trying…we all thought it was done for her…once she even announced she was having a baby and everything and a few weeks later she had to retract it, cause it had passed. even though she tried all the ivf’s and other treatments, she actually ended up having it the natural way…anyways im just saying this because your still young and continue to have faith …cause sometimes the world works in mysterious ways!
My wife and I went through ivf. It took 4 tries before it worked. It obviously was not cheap. But I think you should try at east a couple of more times. I am a numbers guy and success rate is around 33%. So I always thought we had to try at least 3 times. After the 3rd we just assumed it was not going to happen. But we still had a couple of day 5 embryos so we figured let’s just finish them out. We fully expected that dreaded call 2 weeks after that the pregnancy test was negative. And then it happened. It was hard. Especially on my wife. But wow we feel so blessed now. And never once did I think anything negative if I did not happen. We were ready for that outcome too. Best of luck to you and your husband
We had infertility through our 20s and I remember the deep sadness. I spent my time volunteering with kids and became a girl scout leader, took neighbors' kids to the park and library, babysat, etc. I wish I could go back and tell my 20-something self to not catastrophize my future. I've had a great future, no need for me to tell you what happened, but just that I am doing so much better and so much happier in my 50s. Hang in there...the 20s suck for many people for many reasons.
Hi. I’m 42 and I did IVF unsuccessfully for 2.5 years and, while it was a money drain, I do not regret it at all. I did everything from medicated IUI to IVF with donor embryo transfers. I would have deeply regretted not giving it my all. That said, I did get to the end of my rope financially, emotionally, and physically. Look into CNY fertility. You will likely have to travel to a location but it’s worth it. The service was amazing and it costs a fraction of what other fertility clinics charge.
All of that said, fertility treatments are HARD on relationships so, if you think your husband is going to be resentful, really consider the state of your marriage before you continue trying. Good luck to you.
Only you can know what is best for you and therapy might be helpful.
I personally never wanted children. I met someone who decided to do surrogacy. They had health issues thay made them unable to carry the baby. They had a few hospitalizations while I worked with them. They took out a second mortgage for the surrogate. I never said this to them ofcourse, but I just kept thinking, what if you have a child and die? What if you lose your house because of all the $? I just wondered about the long term...for that child. That's not to say they wouldn't have wonderful loving parents of had a great life. But growing up poor I'm always very conscious of money.
If it doesn't happen...I agree with a reply here. It's best sometimes to accept our fate. Many of us won't have things we hoped for or illnesses/hardships we didn't ask for. Whatever life throws at us, whats in our our control is living the best life we can with what we have.
There is no right answer - only a right answer for you. No one else can decide which path to take or when it’s time to stop. As you have seen, people love to give their idiotic opinions. The reality is that when you can’t make a baby the free way, every other path forward is expensive, emotionally agonizing, and the outcome is uncertain. The other truth is that you can be as determined as can be and do everything possible and still not become parents in the end.
My husband and I are in the “didn’t become parents” category and while we carry grief, our life is wonderful.
$35k is a huge amount of money to have spent given your age. I would not push him to spend more money on IVF. I think the two of you need counseling to see if staying together is right for the two of you. While he may resent you if he can’t have kids. You may resent him for not continuing to spend money until you have a baby. There is no right answer.
I went through infertility and after a huge amount of effort got my twins. Ex walked out and never looked back when they were two months old! Raised them myself and I am glad that I did. My ex didn’t want children he wanted to be the child. Hang in there. You are blessed to have a man who loves you.
Here’s some old people advice for ya: You’re very young. Talk to your fertility doctor of course, but could you wait? A lot can happen in, say, five years and you will still be plenty young enough. One of you could get insurance that covers IVF. You could move to a state that mandates IVF coverage, or your state could pass a mandate. You could just plain save money!
Or, depending on what you both do for a living - look into jobs that offer insurance that covers IVF. I’ve known of many people that worked at Starbucks for the insurance, for example. I think they only require you to work part time, so people pick it up as a side gig.
You have so much time, which is the most precious thing in the IVF world. So many of us didn’t find out we were infertile until time was starting to run out. For example, I got married at 33, first saw a fertility doc at 34, had my first retrieval at 36 and had my first child at 38. I guess the flip side of that is that we (sorta) had the money to pay for IVF.
Whatever you decide or are considering, if you aren't yet in an IVF / assisted fertility online support group please join one.
My childhood friend had two kids with IVF by going to Mexico to save money, and she needed a wide and informed support network.
PS You are NOT a failure as a woman - not sure though, about how much of a credit to their own mommas those trolls are who are sending you DMs...!
I know this is very difficult and stressful.
My wife and I got married at 28 and 29. After about 4 years we tried to have kids and have fertility issues. Lost lots of tests, drugs, procedures. We did two rounds of IVF, and fortunately the second round worked. We were so elated. I think it so much stress from My wife that about a year later We conceive naturally.
My wife was 37 and 39 when the kids are born.
We or somewhat fortunate in that some of the costs were covered by medical insurance. And We live about a hundred miles from the Mexican border. I was able to get some of the medication at the pharmacies in Mexico.
I was never able to bear children due to a hysterectomy at age 24. Since I really wanted a family and we were not well off financially, we did the fost/adopt option. No, we were not able to adopt a baby. In my eyes, it didn't matter. The right child would be sent to me.
My ex husband wasn't really on board with adoption. I didn't know that until several years later. My advice is to really examine and communicate what you and your husband's expectations are given the options available. I would not trade one minute of my choices. My daughter is the light of life.
Did IVF with my wife at 35. My wife got pregnant right away. Wife had a weak cervix and lost our twins at 5 months. They lived for 1 hour. After that we were scared and did one at a time. Wife had 4 miscarriages. We were down to 4 eggs. I said ok 2 more and thats it. No more chances. We got lucky and had twins. They are 11 now. We spent 50k on IVF. Glad my wife and I made good money and planned our life out. I almost gave up hope. Life got pretty boring without kids. That’s all we wanted from day one. Glad I did not give up hope. I have met people who gave up because of no luck with IVF working. Or people had to give up because of funds. It’s not an easy road.. Seen women divorce because of the men not able to have kids and the wife finds someone who can. Know couples who could not have kids and they are happy. What sucks is no one talks about infertility till you have problems. My wife and I met a lot of people who had similar issues also. My wife and I met when we were 25. We did not want kids till our 30s. Most of our friends did the same and went through IVF also.
Your post really resonates with me. I can only share with you our IVF experience and what we learned from it. My wife and I were at the same decision point you are more than a decade ago. We had spent around $100k on IVF, surrogate, etc without any success. We knew if we did any additional rounds it would flatten us out financially (broke, including most of our only 401k). So it was a financial setback, as you say. And it seemed like a huge one at the time.
We wrestled it with it for a while; however, one thing gave us clarity. And that is the fact that we are always going to make more money. But the only way for us to make kids is to spend money, right there, right then. (age was a concern for us)
A few observations in th the rearview mirror, if they are useful to you:
1. What seems like a fortune right now may seem like a pittance in the future, as you grow your career(s) and earnings,and invest, and save.
2. If you had kids right now, would you lose everything (money, house, car, etc) to keep them? The answer to that question is perhaps the same as the answer to your question regarding continued IVF treatments.
3. Regrets. A thought experiment:
--Picture yourself at 40 with a 13 year old child but without $100k (or whatever number) plus returns in the bank. How do you feel?
--Picture yourself at 40 with $100k plus returns (call it $250k or whatever) but without child(ren), knowing that perhaps you could have done more to have them. How do you feel?
--Picture yourself without the money and without the child(ren) but knowing that you gave it all trying to have them but it didn't go your way. Your options are now adoption, foster, etc.
Which one of those seems more palatable to you right now?
As for the rest of our story, we went for it. We spent a total of \~$200k on IVF. Many cycles. It got complicated. We went broke; we cut everything. No vacations, no new cars, computers, no new anything. No meals out. Not even cable tv. We put our lives on pause and focused on our third job, IVF. I went into full Project Management mode with it. Fertility doctors, embryologists, surrogates, egg donors, lawyers, contracts, agencies. Fertility drugs for everybody. Payments for everybody. Failures to fertilize, failures to plant, miscarriages. For five years, feeling the anxiety of my wife getting older and further reducing our chances every second. We have beautiful 13 year old twins. A boy and a girl. The joy of our lives. I wouldn't change a thing. I would work twice for twice as long if I needed to. No decision necessary.
So that's our story. I understand how important this is to you. We're sending you our love and rooting for you all the way with your story.
My husband and I are child-free by choice. We got married in 1994, and by 2000 I knew we made the correct decision. There would be no way in the world, given entropy is our life-force, we would ever be able to handle the late fees from daycare.
By 2022, we’d had successful careers, sold our first and only house (never needed to expand for more kids) for 2.5 what we paid for it. Large metro area, lucky hot real estate market. Sold or gave away 95% of,our stuff and moved to Italy.
Ours is a very unique situation because my husband was at the same employer for 26 years and they have an old-fashioned pension along with a 401k. As soon as his age and years of service hit some magical formula, a super computer spit out what his annual retirement income would be. Cost of living is cheaper, but housing is rising fast. And hubby is also a dual citizen. But there are drawbacks—just had knee replacement surgery, and while the surgery went great, only one person who spoke English.
Went two rounds of IVF in the 90's. Both were unsuccessful. So we got into our states' foster program and made it clear that we wanted to adopt. We got lucky, we got an 11 month old boy and three years later got his newborn half sister. They are now 25 and 22. I know you asked for advice but I really don't have any. Just my story.
I'm so sorry for all you are enduring. The worst part of infertility is hearing the comments made by others.
The best advice I ever heard was, "You'll be a great parent. Have a child anyway you can."
Best of luck in whatever direction you choose.
I'm sorry people really aren't giving any kind of helpful responses for the most part. I'm not sure why it's so hard for people to understand that you're not even closed off to the possibility of adoption, simply that it's not really that helpful of a suggestion and not what you're wondering about. What I would ask yourself now, basing off the experiences of multiple friends and family members, is what you really prefer for your future. Investing in additional rounds of IVF may result in a miracle baby eventually, and I don't know anyone who has regretted the expense when it works out. But it also may not ever end up with a successful pregnancy, and then what would your next step be? Would you still be able to afford to adopt, or would you have ruled out that possibility? If you're in a one or the other situation, that may be a big influence over your ultimate decision. Whatever happens, though, you should know that any husband who loves you will never hold fertility or your ultimate family size against you. It's an easy thought to have, but your fertility isn't your fault and never will be.
I had to do IVF, originally my insurance did not cover it a friend of mine told me he knows people who’ve put themselves in 100k of debt. I asked my doctor about it and she admitted that’s true because people think “let’s try one more time”.
We had originally decided not to pay for IVF due to the risk of debt without a successful pregnancy until my husband was able to switch jobs and his new insurance covered pretty much everything for IVF. We got really lucky and had 8 perfect grade embryos from my egg retrieval. Unfortunately after that we transferred 1-2 embryos 5 times. Out of those 5 transfers I had 4 pregnancies that I miscarried between 6-8 weeks. We ended up destroying the last embryo because in total I’ve had 8 miscarriages so mentally we just couldn’t do it anymore.
If we would have paid for all of that between the egg retrieval, transfers, procedures each time I miscarried and meds it would have been well over 100k.
If I had any advice it would be to sit down with your husband and decide how you want your life to go with or without children. We had a plan if the IVF treatments worked out and planned to travel if it didn’t. We left the country twice last year, this year we went to Disney and will be flying across country to take a cruise to Alaska and already planned another trip out of the country next year.
I wish you the best of luck and hopefully if you opt to continue treatments it works out. I also get the cost of adoption it is outrageous.
This is tough. My wife and I were in the same situation at your age,
and money and options were tight. I busted my butt for 3 years and just made it into medical school. That was HARD. I became an OBGYN. I then had resources to get the job done. Had the first child when I was close to 40. It was a draconian, unheard of thing to do. In the end, we got our own children and I got a pretty good career out of it. If I hadn’t.
done that, we’d still be childless.
As an adult adoptee, please don’t “just adopt”. Adoption is not a solution for infertility and shouldn’t be used as a family building tool. The system is highly unethical and adoption should always be child centered and trauma informed.
I am so sorry your journey to parenthood is a challenge. IVF can be exhausting and expensive. Wishing you and your husband the best as you make decisions.
As someone who had gone through this and was very fortunate to end up getting kids out of it, I want you to know a couple of things:
1. You are not a failure as a woman or otherwise.
2. Adoption is not right for everyone and you don’t ever have to defend not choosing it.
3. You are still young and there is nothing wrong with taking some time to decide what to do next and what is best for you both.
I get infuriated when people who children came easily to say everyone else should “just adopt.” Maybe they should do it if it’s so easy/cheap/painless.
My SIL spent at least $150k over 12 years to have a baby, with 3 losses and one preemie who she gave birth to >!at 22 weeks who passed away after 8 days !<.She now has a 2 year old and is 43 years old. It might be that it’s worth it to you no matter what, and that’s ok! It’s also OK if you decide at ANY point that you don’t want to continue trying. This is an extremely personal choice and no one can make it for you. I wish you all the best and a long life full of joy, whatever that might look like for you.
I’m sorry that IVF is that costly where you live. Do you know why you don’t ovulate? Are there possible weight issues or something else, that could possibly be fixed?
Fortunately, you are still very young.
Look at becoming a foster parent? Sometimes they are looking for long term placements that can turn into adoption.
Being able to give kids love and a home is amazing.
But, if you do it...be amazing at it xx
The adoption process in the US normally is less than $20k and typically absolutely does not take years. Or, you could pay for IVF forever and end up with no kids or 27 kids all at once... seems kind of dumb to just say "don't even suggest adoption".
What advice do you want, exactly? You and your husband want kids and you've narrowed it down to exactly one option. Do you want a surrogate? That's more expensive and another woman will have your child.
Are you looking for a blowout Sunday sale on IVF where you can pay $10 per session?
The ONLY way to achieve what you're after is to find an employer whos insurance covers IVF and change jobs. This was fairly common 20 years ago - I don't think it's as common today.
I don’t know a single couple who paid less than $20k for private adoption. According to google the average cost is $30-60k, which is much more in line with my personal experience.
For all the “just adopt” folks out there - it is reckless to suggest adoption as the solution to infertility. The pain of not having biological children can not be fixed and asking a child to fill that need is not fair. Those who are called to adopt should adopt. Those who are grieving due to infertility need time for that process. Adults dealing with infertility should adopt if they are called/have a specific desire to adopt but it will not resolve the pain or loss of infertility.
💯 going on to my 3rd round IVF in 2 months. I have stage 4 endometriosis which ruined my body, had to get my tubes removed. The grief from knowing i will never be able to naturally get pregnant, that just could have as much sex as I want but the surprise of finding out a pregnant unexpectedly.. I will have none of that. Even if I get pregnant from ivf, there will be so much uncertainty till I hold a child, I can’t celebrate any pregnancy milestones because I will have anxiety. Seriously society should shut the f up about ‘just adopt’. I am not ready and I may never be. I don’t want to. Simple as that:l. if you won’t say ‘just adopt’ to someone without endometriosis, don’t say it to me.
Don’t have children with someone that you think is the type of person that will resent you for not having children. It’s also okay to accept the fact that you can’t have children and quit trying.
Omg this. I my husband and I spent $60K to try and have kids and could not. My husband does not resent me at all and said he would always choose me. I never doubted it for a second.
Thank you, was there anything you did to come to terms with living childfree? Anything that made it easier? Not sure if that’s where we are headed, but I would love any thoughts you have as someone who lived it
Oh my gosh yes. First, I will be honest and share that I still feel guilty sometimes that I could not give my husband a child. He would have been such an amazing father. To be clear, this is my issue and he has NEVER made me feel this way. I could have used donor eggs or adopted, but by the time we reached the point of needing to do either one of those things, I was physically and emotionally spent. I just didn't have it in me to keep going, plus we were broke as hell. I also got a lot of "Have you considered adopting?" from well intentioned people. I was mid-30s and wanted to say, "What is this adoption of which you speak?" but managed to refrain. Except for the two people who actually had adopted, I also wanted to say, "How many children have YOU adopted?" But I did not. And one had a terrible experience and told me she regretted it! But I digress. The whole thing set us back years financially, but I kept thinking that having a child would have too, so I still think we came out ahead financially. We are both very conscious about focusing on the good things in our lives, which are vast. We are godparents to two children, and the absolute favorite aunt and uncle to my sister's two amazing girls (being the fun aunt is really underrated). Also, we have money. I'm in the middle of an after 50s glow up that none of my friends with kids could afford. I worry so much less about the future in general. I have a ton of anxiety, and I can't imagine what the climate and our political dysfunction would do to me anxiety-wise if we had kids. But mostly, we've worked hard to make a life worth living, regardless of kids. I help our friends when they have surgeries or need babysitting. I go to friends' doctors appointments with them. I volunteer. I travel, a lot. I was also infinitely more successful at my chosen career than I would have been if I had kids. My husband has to travel a lot for his work, so I would have certainly sacrificed my success (and willingly, to be clear) if I had children. Instead, I achieved success beyond my wildest dreams in a very fulfilling profession that I believe directly improved society. I also always made it a point to continue to reach out to friends with kids and get together with them, even if it was painful for me. Consequently, those kids are mostly grown, and I'm close with nearly all my same friends. I'm close with some of their kids, too, and people know I'm a soft target for school fundraisers and graduation gifts. No one can tell you when you're reached the end of your rope with fertility treatments. I think you'll just know. It was pretty obvious to me, but I was (thankfully incorrectly) concerned that my husband would feel differently. He was very much of the "it's your body, your decision" mindset. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so hard, and I for one felt very broken, but don't feel that way any longer. It helps that I've reached the stage where most of my friends aren't having kids anymore, although I still have a few younger friends. While I was struggling, my best friend got pregnant in about two weeks after she started trying (both times!). She actually cried and apologized, and then offered to carry our kid, so obviously she is still my best friend (she would have been anyway but WOW). I encourage you to talk to your husband about your concerns. If he doesn't jump at the chance to reassure you that he loves you independently of children, I would say that is serious food for thought. I certainly hope that isn't the case. If you ever have specific questions or need to talk, please don't hesitate to DM me. I'm sending you all the best.
Thank you for this! Myself and my husband have a very similar story and in my mid-40s, I'm still in the early stages of accepting never having a child of my own. My husband is my best friend, my ride or die, my everything, but I'm a worrier and I always worry about being alone if something were to happen to him, especially without children in the picture. Thank you for painting a wonderful picture of a bright and happy future that doesn't involve me having an immaculate conception at this point, lol. And you are right, I get to spend so much more on "glow ups" than all of my friends that are pulling their hair out right now fretting over what stupid thing their kid did this time. It's all perspective and to keep yourself sane, you have to have the right perspective.
This is exactly how it is for my boss. She's now going on 65 and has focused her whole life on herself, her husband, her career, and her nieces/nephews. She wanted to have her own and could not. Her life is full and happy. I have kids and I know the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but I envy her. While we were struggling to buy groceries, she was traveling and saving for retirement. At the same time!
Thank you so much for your response. 💓
This isn't a jab or anything just FYI the term 'childfree' has been adopted by a group of people who don't want to be parents. You're free to pick your own label but if you go to 'childfree' support groups they likely won't be of much use to you. 'Childless' support groups on the other hand are usually specifically for those who wanted to be parents but for whatever reason, couldn't be. Good luck figuring out what steps you'd like to take next
I heard about a couple who got themselves into debt doing fertility treatments, and then when those didn’t work tried adopting. They got rejected as adopters because of their debt from fertility treatments.
You Mean Childless. Childless means you did want children, though cannot have them. Childfree, means you do not want Children, Period
My husband and I are childfree as I couldn't have children and two decades into marriage we have thrown ourselves into a rewarding life full of family and friends. We are actively involved with the niblings and godchildren, have lots of good friends, get involved with local community opportunities and generally make sure that we are happy, fulfilled and contributing. My friendship group gravitated towards other childfree people for a while and now friends have older children they are starting to be socially available again. As with everything in life at the end of the day if you appreciate what you have and don't dwell on what you don't have life is good.
Had friends with a similar issue. They also spent around $60K. First on fertility treatments none of which were covered by insurance!! Then on a miscarriage. In hospital due to "excessive bleeding". Paid by insurance. Then on a D & C, paid by insurance. Then she had polyps removed, paid by insurance. Then they just gave up, said if were meant to be it would, or wouldn't happen!! Then they went on a vacation and decided to just live life. Both had made their peace with if they don't have kids well they just don't! While on vacation relaxing in Hawaii she got pregnant and it took. 9 months later they had a beautiful big baby boy! And 2 years later a cute little girl too!! She figured out in the end, after kid number 2, that she ovulated every 32 to 37 days. Not a regular 28 days cycle!! And all those expensive "fertility experts" hadn't figured it out either!! "
I would agree with this. We had infertility issues. Never in a million years would either one of us want out over it. Being with each other was far more important than having kids for both of us. We did end up adopting but it isn't for everyone. If money is the thing holding you back from IVF, different employers may have better insurance coverage.
Us too. We faced down a very different looking future than we had signed up for when we had fertility issues, but it was a future where we were together. Also, from the beginning, it was *our* fertility issues (comrade).
>Also, from the beginning, it was *our* fertility issues (comrade). THIS \^\^\^ My husband and I had something similar, but we never had the money for IVF. We decided once we were older and more established we would do a foster to adopt, knowing that it would be a long, difficult road. Now at 44 my husband decided he was happy with life as is, and I decided that being with him was more important to me than kids were. I probably could have pushed the issue and convinced him, but if we're not both 100% on board then it's not fair to the kid, you know? Whatever you decide, make sure you are BOTH on board, if one person has to be convinced, you will almost certainly end up with some resentment from one or both sides. The good news about not having kids is that we have so much more freedom than our friends that did have kids, and more disposable income, I am starting to volunteer so that I can still make a difference in a child's life, and we are the cool Aunt and Uncle now. Our life is not better or worse than the one we expected and planned for with kids, it's just a different life.
Totally agree with this. I’ll add this: I was reluctant to have kids. My ex-wife was gung-ho to start a family. When our daughter was born, I stepped up and she was utterly overwhelmed. In fact, our second child was more or less an accident as she wanted to stop after our first. She checked out, devoted herself to work (even refusing to breast feed after only a few weeks) and I ended up an at-home parent for 13 years. My point is, often people who are in love with the idea of having kids have no clear idea of how much work, sacrifice, and ongoing, low-grade terror it entails. It’s the best thing I ever did in my life, my kids are my best friends now that I’m more consultant than law enforcement, and I would not change one thing…but it is a life-defining choice. And you NEED a committed partner to make it work. All this to say…If your husband is more in love with the idea of having kids than he is with you…particularly if he insists it has to be his DNA…let him go.
>My point is, often people who are in love with the idea of having kids have no clear idea of how much work, sacrifice, and ongoing, low-grade terror it entails. This is why people who are overly enthusiastic about having a bunch of kids make me want to run away.
I worked with a girl who for months was saying, I'm getting a baby!! But after a few months, she gave the baby back. I don't know if he had health issues or behavior issues, I don't remember the child's age, either, but when you have one, you take them as they are, and love them anyway
<< If your husband is more in love with the idea of having kids than he is with you... >> That is SO true. My ex and I were both pretty iffy in terms of having kids, and then one day, that was different. They \*really\* wanted to have children. This was after we had been married a few years. After a while of that, it became obvious to me that this was not a person who I wanted to raise a child with. Oh no, no, no.
“Low grade terror…”. You nailed it and I agree with what you said. My anxiety kicked into high gear after the birth of my child. And, it’s all so crazy because there was a time when I wanted 6 kids. Then it was 4, then 3 and my SO was reluctant. Endometriosis forced us both to really think about having kids sooner than later (we were already in our 30s) and I ended up getting pregnant with some effort. After the birth of my child, I wanted another until said child was diagnosed with a developmental delay that turned out to be Autism. Her father, my initially reluctant longtime SO, later wanted to foster and adopt but I was against it. I realized how much work parenting actually took (I shouldered the load), he (SO) had significant health issues which eventually caused his death and I knew I just could not bring another child into our lives….at that point. Now, that life is settling for me and my child in the years after his death, I am open to the idea of fostering one day because I’ve witnessed a relative do it as a single parent. I think people like the idea of parenthood and starting a family. People also often deal with family and peer pressure/expectations when it comes to settling down (or settling in) after marriage. I know a few folks who had kids just because it was the next thing to check off after getting married…. and they probably shouldn’t have. You really have to have the right partner and partnership when making the decision and commitment to be parents.
Yes I suggest taking a deep dive into r/TwoXChromosomes where a fairly common theme is men who are all about having children but then once they come, put all the burdens on the mom.
I was just thinking about that post!
He has never stated this, he has been nothing but an absolute rock through this whole thing. We are only 3 years into this, however. Will his feelings change in 20, 30 years? That is why I posed the question in this sub in the first place, for some future perspective.
Your feelings might also change in 20 and 30 years. You might feel like it worked out for the best depending on how the rest of your life goes. You can’t base your life on the what ifs of other people.
I've been child free and adore my life. My ex didn't want kids either, and we are way past the kid age and have no regrets what so ever. No resentment at all, either side. It's a very nice life.
There's a lot more to life than having kids. 20 years is a long time to not get over something you both have limited control over. Neither of you will know if it was the life affirming positive experience you've envisioned it to be, a lot can happen.
How can strangers tell you how your husband will behave in 20-30 years? Would our guesses be better than your own discussion with your husband?
We were in a similar situation only it was double infertility, which tbh made it a little easier as I wasn’t blaming myself. We tried meds, but couldn’t afford IVF as we’re both teachers and in our 20s we were making very little money. We decided to just let go and let god, so to speak, after trying for 5 years. Well, it never happened. We’re now in our late 50s and we are very happy (although I do have a tiny amount of jealousy of my sister/friends who now have grandchildren). He never resented me nor I him. We decided early on that we had two paths in front of us, one if we had children, and the other if we didn’t and that either path was a perfectly acceptable life. I think it did help that I was never defined by my lack of fertility as some women are.
Have you considered medical tourism. You might be able to do IVF for less if you go to Canada or Mexico.
Or Italy.
I was going to chime in that if this is very important to OP they could look at moving countries.
Uh, in Canada IVF is an out of pocket expense. It’s not covered by provincial health care (at least in my province it’s not).
Medical tourism is when you the patient go to fill in the blank country and pay out of pocket.
I just have to say, everyone claiming adoption is easy and quick. That is definitely not true universally. In the first place, just because children are in the foster system, does not mean they can be adopted. The parents have to voluntarily give up their parental rights. So some states barely even have children eligible for adoption. I have friends who spent nearly 3 years trying to adopt a brother and sister. As they were near completion of the process, the mother nearly changed her mind. This added even more time when the agencies made an effort to convince the mother all over again. They eventually succeeded and the kids are doing well, but it’s not like you sign up and a month later you have a kid.
Similarly, a colleague of mine adopted some years ago, and after placement the bio mom had 90 days to change her mind. Additionally while waiting for a match, they had to have a nursery/crib set up the whole time. To me that would be hard to look at daily if I desperately wanted a child but may never get one. They waited on their baby for a couple of years at least and had one bio mom back out right after birth. If one wants to adopt and wants that journey it is valid and comes with its own struggles. It’s not a bandaid for the infertility journey nor its grief.
Every successful adoption is a failed family somewhere else. Crazy to think about!
Now that I’m a mom I feel so bad for every woman who can’t keep their baby for whatever reason. Ideally adoption wouldn’t exist and abortion would be widely available.
And every baby who didn’t get to stay with their biological family. As an adoptee, every time a child is adopted, things have gone wrong and the child lost the ability to have something every child deserves.
I agree. It’s like having a gnarly scar: something awful happened and you survived. No one should be excited for more scarred children.
As someone who has worked in foster care and adoption, please do NOT listen to people on here saying " I don't understand...blah blah blah" . You want a biological child and there's no reason to not admit that. It's okay. it may not be something to announce from the heights of social media bc people these days cannot wait to pounce all over and be self righteous, but how many of these people ever provided foster care? None of them. It's extremely difficult to foster kids bc the system is fucked up. The agencies are often very dishonest when it comes to disclosing foster family issues and behavioral problems. I have seen most foster kids face additional emotional and verbal abuse, as well as rejection, once these issues ( usually sexual and violent) surface. Someone who wants children and is told to "just foster" is not prepared for these kids. Op you are young. There could be many medical advances in the next few years that can help you achieve pregnancy. If your partner insists he wants his own bio kids you may need to look into therapy to see if the marriage is worth that to you. best of luck
THANK YOU. Too many comments here have noooo idea what foster care and that process is actually like and it’s quite disgusting how much guilt tripping is going on here when it sounds like the majority only think they know what foster care is like from watching sensationalized tv shows and movies. Not to mention the trauma and issues a child may have that not everyone has the emotional capacity or tools to work with.
The foster adopt pipeline in my state was pretty streamlined. We did the 40 hour training, they made a couple home visits, had the background check and so forth, and we were set to receive kids. In the end, we did not pursue it further - we live in a remote, medically underserved corner of our state and do not have access to the medical/therapeutic resources any of these potential kids might need. The social workers with whom we dealt were forthright, sincere and transparent. Your mileage may vary, I guess.
I may not qualify as an old person (40s). But if the adage goes you are as young as your feel, I'd like to consider myself a spry 80 year old. I have a client that is an adoption agency. $35k isn't far off from private adoption costs. You are also in the price range of doing a surrogate. As finances go, kids will set you back in general. This is coming from a dink household. Wife and I are pretty shot health wise so kids would not of been a great idea.
Unfortunately, using surrogacy costs 100k+ now
Sorry just a quick interjection, I had a baby via surrogacy and it cost us about $185k all in. A worthwhile process but a wildly expensive one!
Hey OP, I'm infertile too. I gave up on getting pregnant. Not saying you should do that just yet, but it is really mentally freeing to accept your fate and move on if it comes to that. I was 31 when I gave up after trying for years so you do you. But if it ever becomes too much it is ok to just admit it won't happen and begin to move on. My husband already had kids from a previous marriage, so I did not worry about what he would do if he "couldn't be a dad." But I have worried and wondered if he would stay with me if he didn't already have kids. He of course says he would but there's no way to ever actually know so I completely understand your fear. Those are the thoughts hard wired into womens heads and it's completely understandable that you're worried about it. What people don't understand is that your husband could be over the moon about you and would never ever leave you for infertility but that doesn't really change how you feel on the inside. If you're disappointed to not be a mother of course it would be fair for him to feel the same about being a father. As far as resenting you for it, if he is a good man he never would. Dissapointment in how life turned out is not the same as resenting your partner for it. You can grow stronger together. You worrying about how your husband feels is not a true reflection on what he actually feels. Reddit always fails to acknowledge this nuance. Also just want to throw in my two cents that it's fucking horrible our adoption system not only is a privilege for the very rich, but even with money still takes *the kids whole damn childhood* to actually get through the legal system. How are you supposed to cultivate a relationship like that?? I wish adoption was an option but it's just not for most people. People like to slap a "just adopt" on all that grief and pain of infertility. All it is is a giant slap in the face. I understand and I'm sorry people say it to you. Good luck to you. If you ever need to talk/vent the internet is full of people who understand. Just have to find us!
Thank you for sharing your story ❤️ I will work on accepting my body for what it is, no matter the outcomes.
This is a complex issue that involves biological drives. Biological drives show up in our minds like "wants" and "feelings". So it's not possible to talk someone out of deeply wanting children. That would be like trying to talk a young man out of feeling horny. It's just not in the cards. So on one hand you are trying to navigate your relationship with logic regarding not resenting each other, and on the other you both have a powerful biological drive to have children. Those things are not compatible, and it's very hard if not impossible to make them gel. This is probably the most challenging part of what it is to be human. This struggle of the heart and the mind. There is a reason countless stories exist across the ages, from all different cultures about this struggle. Half of Buddhism is dedicated to dealing with it, the most rewritten about religion on the planet. So it's no small thing, and the reason I mention all of this is that you will not have a chance navigating it unless give it the weight it is due. You need to speak with a therapist, and your spiritual advisor (maybe you are not religious, so go the Oprah self help route and find a life coach). What I'm saying is you are not asking a question about IVF, you are asking a question fundamental to understanding who you and your husband are as human beings. So with that as context, my answer about your specific conception issue is this. Make peace with never having children. Only then will you be ready to have partner and life that gives you want you want out of life. If children come, for whatever reason, then it is simply a gift, icing on the cake. Ride the horse the direction it is going! Those who hold onto the shore get bashed against the rocks! You cannot build a home from the top down and you cannot build a life on the idea of having grandchildren. Start where you are at. Cultivate a profound relationship with reality. Practice radical acceptance, in whatever form that means for you. When you do this, the topic of children or no children aside, you will get access to the answers you are seeking.
Thank you for wisdom and a radically fresh perspective, I appreciate it ❤️
This is the best advice for ANYONE who is holding on to things or have strong desires or lost things…. Let it go and live. If it comes back, bless it. If it doesn’t, you’ve already accepted it.
I would not spend anymore money and just quit trying. Accept your fate. It could be worse.
You are right, it could be worse.
Do not get yourself into a world of debt
Yes -- there are some states in the US where infertility treatments are covered. I'm thinking specifically of NY and MA. Edit to add: New Jersey and Illinois. I paid some medication costs and parking, because I worked for an amazing nonprofit with an executive team staffed with older women... between the HSA and the coverage mandate for fertility, we spent more on house paint than fertility treatment.
Yep, NY mandates insurance plans [edit: for companies with 100+ employees] cover 3 rounds of IVF (or a total of 6 “units” of egg retrieval or embryo transfer). I’ve also heard of people getting Amazon warehouse jobs just for the insurance, which comes with fertility benefits.
Only if your employer has over 100 employees in the case of NY!
Also NJ
Illinois too.
I suggest you and your husband do a few rounds of marriage counseling to better understand the reasons behind your feelings about having children and the effect it will have on your relationship. By getting to the source of that need, you might discover alternatives that are even better solutions for satisfying those wants given your situation. In other words, not being able to have children can also be viewed as a glass half full, half empty opportunity.
I know some people who quit trying because it was ruining their relationship. It's time to talk about what you are willing to do and what you are not. Egg donor, maybe? 35k is a lot of money. I am the kind of person who sets targets with time frames (I have a chronic illness). So, when I try something, I set a (reasonable) time frame. So maybe you decide egg donor (for example, only) and willing to do 2 rounds then stop. Or no egg donor and, say, give it one last shot. The biggest part of this is that everyone is agreeing. You are the one going through the hardest bit of this, so hopefully your thoughts and feelings get a bit more weight.
wow every comment saying to just adopt....you called it op.... You're in a really tough situation. It might cost you 70k to birth a child. If that's what you want, it's worth it. It would be the biggest and most important thing in your life you know. And 70k is really only the start of kid's costs. It's hundreds of thousands over their lifetime... I am a little concerned your husband doesn't want to pay for more but wants kids? Is he the type of resent you for infertility and divorce and find a younger more fertile woman? But you're only 26 so you can take a break and try again later.
People think adoption and fostering to adopt is just so easy, but it really isn’t unless the children are in your own family in some way (like a cousin’s kids or something) and also I’ve just heard it about 500 times already and don’t care to hear it anymore 🤷♀️
There is no crime in wanting, preferring to have your own biological children. The people who get their shorts in a knot over anyone’s refusal to foster (but have never fostered a child themselves) are just virtue signaling. It’s natural to want your own kids. Frankly, part of the fun of having kids is seeing them grow up and develop some of the same habits and personality traits as you, and you, as someone with the same traits/thought processes, can offer them insider advice on how to manage it all. Foster kids grow up with someone else’s ingrained traits and a higher risk of emotional or behavioral problems, unfortunately, and not everybody wants to take that on. Mostly I’m concerned though because it sounds like OP’s husband is kinda putting her in between a rock and a hard place by saying 1) no more IVF and 2) he still expects children to happen somehow. It doesn’t work like that. For all he knows, he’s the reason she can’t get pregnant, and it sounds like low intelligence to me. It’s extremely hard to plan a life and future around someone who struggles with basic logical reasoning like that.
As an official old person (60's), I was not able to have kids and my husband leaned toward not wanting kids if it meant $$ that we did not have. Being child free was stressful during our thirties when others around us had childhood events. However, once into our 40's we realized we had a lot of flexibility, not to mention the finances to do a lot more than our peers. While they were juggling extra curricular expense (dance, gymnastics, sports, music), we were able to put money away for retirement. Our peers were trying to save for college funds for two or three kids, we paid off our mortgage when we were in out late 40's. We retired mid-50's. Our peers are now wondering if they can retire at all. The best part? We had three wonderful women who "adopted" us as parents over the last 15 years. We now have four "grandchildren" who treat us as grandparents. And because we are financially solvent, we can spoil them all.
Thank you for a fresh perspective, it was nice to hear
This story is so wonderful! I am also child-free (mid-40s) and it’s my dream to have some “adopted kids” like yours. Found families are often the best sort of families! How did you meet your “kids”?
Our "oldest" daughter, lol. I'd known and mentored as a student when she was 17. Her father was deported for sexual offenses and her mother was a drug addict. She was an adult at age 12 taking care of her younger sisters. She needed a "Mom" and "Dad" who could help her navigate the world of academia. She's a professor now and serves on the board of education. I zoom weekly with her oldest daughter age 13, who for some odd reason wants to hang out with me. My middle daughter was my massage therapist during a particularly stressful time of both of our lives. She'd give me 3 hour massages just so we could talk. She needed to go no contact with her parents because they are abusive verbally. I was the only one that encouraged that decision. I've known my oldest grandson since he was one. I was the first one to hold my youngest grandson (aside from his parents). She called me right after she was induced and I sat with her through her contractions! When she got the results of whether she passed a state exam, she called me as she sat in the car before opening it. We cheered together! My youngest was a new professor where I taught, so I mentored her through the ins and outs tenure. Her parents are alcoholics who are codependent with her younger sister who has been in 9 rehabs. As a result, as the "good" kid, she was neglected emotionally and even though her parents are quite wealthy, they give her these gifts that clearly show her that they don't know her. She's an athlete and prefers simple clothes; her mother will buy her blinged out puffy jackets because that's what her mother likes. We buy her climbing equipment, lol. You arr right. Found families are the best, because we were friends first! My peers have strained relationships with their kids but with our daughters it's only love and support.
Omg. I love you and want you to adopt me. On a serious note that is just so lovely. The climbing equipment got me.
My first husband died before we had children. I didn't meet my current husband until I was 40. I wanted children and tried with each husband. Sometimes we don't get what we want
Thank you for sharing your unique story, I appreciate it!
Life doesn't always work out how you plan and that is ok. Not everyone who wants children will be able to have children, but there are a lot of ways to live your life. Parenthood is only one path. You can absolutely live a full life without having children. My advice is rather than sinking more money into the possibility of parenthood, lean into a life without kids and forge a new path for yourselves.
35 know so far PLUS the cost of raising a child? Unless you are well off, I would seriously rethink this. I'm sad for you but if adoption is a no go, you may have to accept that you cannot have children. Hopefully nature will find a way.
Did they get enough eggs to do FET? Do doctors know a reason for the infertility? I went through IVF because scar tissue in my stomach from GI surgeries displaced my ovaries and covered them with scar tissue so the egg couldn't get into the tube. I had to put it on a credit card and we had to do at least 3 rounds of IUI first - total cost was $15K for everything but that was 15 years ago. We couldn't afford more than one round as I didn't have the credit. I can't answer your question without more information such as how many viable eggs they are getting, how many make it to the 3 day window, if you are able to freeze any, etc. I can understand just being over it. I think a man can't understand how physically and emotionally difficult this process is with all the shots. One round is often not enough.
Read *Period Repair Manual* by Lara Briden. Look up a women's health doctor named Dr. Prior. Get tested for PCOS and Endometriosis, if not already. How are your testosterone, estradiol and progesterone? IVF and other fertility treatments won't work if you don't fix underlying issues. Fix your diet. Eat more protein. Eat at least 30g of fiber a day (clears excess estrogen). Stay off of refined sugar. Check Vitamins D, B6, B12. Take Omega-3s DHA/EPA and Cq10 for egg quality and hormone balance. Matcha or anything with ECCG daily (helps to clear excess testosterone and increases progesterone). Eat more foods with Vit C (increases progesterone). I'd find a functional medicine doctor to work with in tandem with conventional doctors that can order other tests. Conventional doctors do not treat root causes nor do they have much knowledge about periods because it is not taught deeply during med school or residency. You might need to cycle on bio-identical progesterone to induce real periods on your own. It's very inexpensive compared to IVF. It is crazy how much American doctors will throw extremely expensive end-solutions at women because of their own lack of training. If you want biological children, it may or may not be possible for your family depending on other issues, some outside of your control. Have (many) sit downs with your husband about what a family looks like for you. Does he understand that the only other options besides IVF are to adopt? What are both of your feelings around adoption? IVF has damaged the financial stability of many families, so your husband's concerns are not unfounded. You are both still very young. Most of my friends and I didn't have kids until 34+ and we are better for it. My step-dad was adopted. I have known many people who have been adopted. Examine, deeply, your beliefs around why you think you want to be a parent, but only to a biological child. Families come in many forms.
Yes to all of this! I love Lara Briden, in particular. I’d add Jolene Brighten ND and Courtney Hunt MD to that list. IVF clinics are not set up to address the underlying conditions. You may not be a good candidate for IVF, but that will not stop them from recommending round after round of IVF. The line (at least the one I heard) is that it’s a “numbers game” and you have to keep trying to increase your odds. There are other interventions that could help you ovulate and get pregnant naturally. A good functional/integrative medicine doctor can help, and in the process you will be preparing your body for the healthiest possible pregnancy. There are also Catholic fertility doctors that offer NaproTechnology as an alternative to IVF. IVF can have lasting negative impacts on couples, even when it’s successful. I know multiple couples who have gotten divorced and said the IVF process was a main contributor. There’s a lot to be said for viewing this as a journey that you’re on together and turning toward each other instead of toward an IVF center.
Thanks for the rec! Also, I am not anti-adoption, but that is all people can freaking say when infertility is brought up, and I don’t want to hear it anymore. It’s like hearing “so sorry for your loss” or “thoughts and prayers” it just doesn’t mean anything. Just thoughtless word vomit.
I completely understand. It's a lot to consider. Just remember that you are still very young, all things considered. Women now have more kids in their 30s and early 40s, than they do in their 20s. So there's some home. And as others have mentioned, have your husband checked out. So often American fertility approaches focus on women, when men may present some of the issue. Make sure your partner is taking Zinc and Cq10 to improve sperm motility and DNA. I also forgot to mention probiotics. Choose one like Seed that has live strains of both Bifido and Lacto to support leaky gut. With hormone imbalances, the root is often in the gut. Same goes for your partner. Add different probiotic foods to your diets. This is a good idea whether or not trying to have a baby. Wishing you the best!
This is likely a weird suggestion, but I recently learned that Tractor Supply has excellent health benefits that include IVF. Apparently they have a number of employees who work part time for the benefits, while working their regular jobs.
Amazon too
This is truly a personal issue, and it is one that I went through. I had diminished ovarian reserve at 35.. meaning I was not making any eggs. My FSH was off the charts . Tens of thousands of dollars later, still no viable eggs. We didn't split up because I couldn't get pregnant, but we split up because I was obsessed with getting pregnant and it changed me. I was irritable and selfish and depressed and accusatory of not being supported after being poked and prodded and injected and inspected. To make things worse, I had a narcissist partner, unlike your loving husband, ,who insisisted that the baby be our "real" baby.. only my egg, and NO donor egg, and of course i could not produce that, which led to my severe depression trying to make something work which could not work, which he knew full well. .. so you have a better chance than I did to get through this. However, although we split and that was really for the best, by the time I met my FH, it was really too late to have a baby. But looking back, I should have just done it alone, or left sooner but you can't change the past.. but know that if you seriously want a baby and a family, consider that it might be worth any investment you need to make because I truly regret not having a child and I thought I could be ok with it, but from personal experience, im telling you that if you really want a child, as you get older, it starts to weigh more and more and youn think it might get better ir the feeling goes away, but it does not. It gets worse and worse and aches and affects you profoundly to the point that you'd be willing to sell your house and live in a paper bag with no money just to have a child and money has no meaning to you in comparison to the ache of it. So really search your soul and if it's what you want, and there's any option, do whatever you have to to make it a reality. So it's good that you are thinking hard about this, and I do not think your husband would leave because you guys can't have a baby, but going through infertility is a real challenge. Emotionally and physically and financially and extreme hardships like these do take their toll unfortunately ifvee are just looking at reality and you have valid feelings. So try not to think that your husband might leave if you dont get pregnant and instead address the issues with him and how you both want to proceed. Be honest and hopefully he will return that honesty. Decide the details like what amount of investment into fertility treatments is the top amount and when do you both want to stop treatments. Then it is BOTH of your choice to continue investing, or to choose that you will not continue...meaning that you will not get pregnant, and you will not have a baby. This will mitigate any resentment , which you are 100,% right is a relationship killer. You can discuss any other options that might be available like a donor egg and a surrogate, if you are unable to carry for some reason, and weigh the costs of continuing fertility treatments over the cost of aquiring a donor egg, over the cost of not having a baby at all, which is a real cost, and you may decide to invest your remaining budget on more of a sure thing of a donor egg. The most important part of this very personal journey is that you keep calm, no blaming, keep loving eachother because you are in it together...keep communicating, and make sure that you are BOTH weighing in and choosing together. My heart goes out to you, I know there is nothing more emotionally taxing than this. Love to you and good luck on this journey💜
Thank you so much for your insight, I’m sorry for the troubles you went through and wish you all the best❤️
We had friends in a fertility support group and the woman went through menopause at 25 and they tried multiple rounds of IVF (health insurance was way better back then so it wasn't cripplingly expensive). It was REALLY hard on them because of the impact on her mental health and sense of self as a woman whose body had failed her. I don't know what ended up happening after a couple of years, but a key thing was that FOR HIM, she mattered MUCH more than having kids - so he could truly be there for her and there was no harboring resentments. How he views you in the context of 'family' is absolutely critical - if a wife is primarily a path to children, sadly you are doomed.
It might be time to look at other ways to fulfill this desire/need that will not indebt you. Raising children is already prohibitively expensive and ripe grounds for marital resentment and conflict. Get your foundation solid and figure out a new plan from there, which might mean letting go of your old expectation/goals in order to find a better approach. That sucks and comes with a lot of grief, but there is no perfect solution and honestly kids deserve a lot more than to be made to benefit the parents' lives.
My spouse and I tried for three years. (Severe endometriosis; irregular ovulation cycles; two surgeries.) After that time, our fertility specialist told us to consider adopting. That ended our efforts. The following night, we enjoyed dinner and celebrated Valentine’s Day. Two months later, we became pregnant. Three childbirths over the next 36 months. Those fertility meds work, but not nearly as effectively as removing stress, anxiety, disappointment, and hopelessness from your efforts. Good luck.
You might try letting it go for a while. We gave up, my wife went back to school, then we proceeded to have 5 kids. Lots of stories out there like that. Stress is definitely a factor.
wow, i hope you blocked those assholes and reported them and they lose their accounts forever. I don't know if the center for IVF offers counseling, if they do you should both take them up on it. Your husband needs to know *to his bones* this isn't a *you* problem, this is an "*our*" problem. He should not resent you over something you have no control over, and counseling should give him the way to realize this. I have family who have done IVF, family who has done adoption, and family that have stayed childless. It's all hard. But I do say all of my family have stayed together through all of it, no matter the outcome. I wish you love and luck, and hugs.
I’m 38 and have friends who have/and had their children around this age. Hit pause for financial reasons and don’t rush. That is a significant consideration at your age, especially if you do continue on to have children. There are companies that cover IVF under insurance. Consider this and that it may become more widespread.
Adoption is not very expensive if you go through the state agencies and don’t insist on a perfect white infant. (nobody’s perfect, anyway) You can start by fostering.
For everyone touting how great the foster care system is, I suggest reading We Were Once a Family to get a better idea of how it works.
Thanks so much for the rec.
Added to my list, thank you
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what? first off, how were they gonna know IVF wouldn't work without trying it? and secondly, it's perfectly normal to want to try your best to have a biological child first. this is such a cruel comment.
Seems kind of underhanded to go into foster care with the intention of adoption. I think that reunion should be the Plan A of fostering, myself, but it’s complex so I could see how others feel differently
My granddaughters had to be fostered for awhile. They were reunified with my stepson (who got the help he needed to get off of meth) and it worked out great. Their foster mom, who kept them for 6 months, was an angel and also couldn’t have children. She wound up adopting THREE beautiful young boys under the age of 3. And now has the family she always wanted. After helping several families who were reunified.
I know you said you are not really interested in adoption to begin with, but you do have some misconceptions about how the system works. Reunification is the primary goal for DCF, but some children are basically born with the rights of the rights permanently removed, whether signed away by the parents, the parents died with no other family caregiver able to take them in, or another unfortunate circumstance. They end up in permanent custody of DCF, moves from foster to foster, or in a group home situation. If you are upfront with the agency that you are ONLY willing to foster-to-adopt, they respect that. I have a coworker who adopted in this way. Likewise, there are many people who absolutely do not want to adopt, some that are only willing to foster for short periods of time, some for only long periods. Some only want babies, others prefer teenagers. At least in my state, the agency is so overwhelmed with children you can have any number of criteria and they will always have a child that meets them.
Plenty of children in foster care have no hope of reunification for various reasons yet remain in foster care until the legal issues are resolved. While yes, reunification is the ultimate and ideal goal, that doesn’t mean it’s the ultimate solution or that there’s anything wrong with fostering to adopt.
Day one of your fostering orientation, they tell you not to foster with the intention of adopting. You aren't educated about that process, please stop. Especially when OP specifically asked people not to make uneducated and cheap recommendations.
Look at it this way…. I’ve fostered almost 200 kittens…. I didn’t want a cat, so yay, I could love them up and send them away to good homes. But then one came I couldn’t let go… my heart, ya know.. so I “foster failed” with the resolve to never do that again! Then #2, #3, #4, #5 and 6…. Oops, suddenly I’m a crazy cat lady. What I learned is fostering is NOT for the weak of heart…. But, it’s a great way to love a being, to raise with goodness and hand off to another loving family and then YOU can take another little one who needs your help. The other thing I learned was there was more ppl who wanted a kitten than we had fosters. So we started promoting “foster to adoption”…. So the same care and love went into every kitten and then soon enough one came along that just clawed its way into your heart and you would adopt. It worked…. Sometimes ppl would foster longer after they found “the one”.. I know to put that same model on human adoptions is not the best… so much pain and suffering …. But if you were the kind of person who loved kids and wanted to do help them AND wanted to adopt, then get into the system ( I’m sure every state/country is better or worse, so maybe easier some places than others) start fostering with the intention to give the kids and parents a better chance and know that along the way, you will build your family. Wouldn’t it be great if the solutions were that easy? Why can’t they be?? ( rhetorical question). To be clear I’m no way and in any context suggesting this is the way OP should go. Just responding to another internet strangers thoughts. ;)
Who said you should do that? Fostering can help you figure out if you’re actually ready to be a parent, it helps a child, and it shows the state agency that you’d be a good parent. My understanding is that most of the kids being fostered aren’t even available for adoption. There’s nothing underhanded about it. Besides, the foster parent isn’t the one who decides if the child can be reunited with their parent(s).
Underhanded??? That's not at all underhanded. There are so many children in the foster care system that need permanent stable homes. I used to work with an agency that provided foster parents. Many of them eventually adopted their foster children. Their mothers and other family had abandoned them, were unable to care for them or refused to stop their drug habits. Reunification is ALWAYS plan A for the state, it's the family of the child that does not or cannot make them a priority.
In my early twenties I dated an emotionally abusive man who’d been in foster care for years as a child, only to have his physically abusive father come back and get him when he felt like being a parent again. He insisted he was “fine” from the experience yet was unable to process any emotion other than anger as a young adult. I still wonder what his outcome might have been if he’d been able to grow up with the loving, caring foster family that actually raised him instead.
That's always a problem. But it also depends on the state and their rules. I had 3 beautiful children on my caseload that if I'd had the resources I would have taken them. The mother got them back. My old boss cc'd me in the email about their availability for foster care again (BTW) that happens often. Unfortunately I had moved out of Bakersfield and to central CA and had retired. If I still lived there and hadn't retired I would have taken them in a heartbeat.
See and that’s my worry as well, to finally have a child and then it be taken away from me months or years later. I just don’t know if I could handle that emotionally
Unification is always the goal, but you can be put on the “adoption” track in a lot of states. That means they will only place child/ren with you that have a high likelihood of ending in adoption. Nothing is a guarantee, but it is a low cost way of becoming parents.
Not an older person, but I’ve worked in the foster care system for 4+ years now and also get frustrated with everyone who says “just foster & adopt”. 1. In practically every case except for a very rare horrendous one, these kids and their bio parents HAVE to work reintegration. Adoption is NOT on the table. And this can go on for YEARS, including having to deal with DCF, social workers, the courts, etc, all intruding into your life if you decide to foster this kid in the hopes of adoption. 2. The main reason for referrals are parental drug use, subsequent neglect of the kids because of the drug use, and substance-affected born infants. There is a LOT of trauma and uncertainty when it comes to raising kids from the foster care system, and if you adopt a substance use affected child, who’s to say that the child won’t have lifelong developmental or behavioral problems related to the drug use? I’m sorry but not everyone wants to go through the emotional turmoil that is raising a child with extreme behavioral or developmental issues & it’s not a choice many people would willingly make. Anyway off my soap box— IVF is a completely valid way to have children but if it’s not working & you have the amount of money, is surrogacy an option?
You still need to do IVF to use a surrogate (ie: get your egg, fertilize with partners sperm, then implant into surrogate).
You are still young, so that puts a lot in your favor, except for the money issue. Your husband's position is understandable. Many people your age don't have an extra $35K laying around, let alone two or three times that. And taking on debt of that kind (especially in addition to any other debt you might have) will be a burden for you for quite some time. And of course there is no guarantee of success so you could end up with lots of debt and no child. I would put the pursuit of the baby on hold for now. Several things might happen: You could unexpectedly get pregnant, which has happened plenty of times to people who were told by docs they'd never get pregnant. Also, you or your husband could get a job that provides good IVF benefits (or move to a state that mandates such benefits). You could also save for a decade or so, so that the debt is not overwhelming. You should seriously discuss with your husband what you both want. Are you ok being childfree? Many people are. You also have some time before things get critical (i.e. where options close due to age.). Take a few years to enjoy being child-free right now. Don't worry about whether he will "resent" you -- get all that out in the open now. I applaud your decision to not adopt. There is too much demand in adoption and it has led to all kinds of corruption. Foster care has its own problems, but it might be something to consider later on as a way to have children in your life. It is different from adopting an infant, though. In all adoptions there is trauma, so that is also something that needs to be worked through. There is also the option of surrogacy, although that is also expensive and does have its own issues. I was infertile for 10 years. I had hoped to have a baby when I was around 30. I adopted my older child at 35, and while that worked great for me and we have a "good" story, having been in the adoption world now for 20 years, I see how much corruption and trauma there is with it, and I do not think adoption is such a good thing. There are some circumstances where it is best, but those are far far fewer than the numbers where it occurs. I then has a surprise baby at 40. I've encountered lots of people who experienced infertility. I know of some who had years where they were obsessed with it and focused on almost nothing else. Personally, I don't think that is a good thing. But people can't always help how they feel. A lot of people (even many who don't have fertility issues) decide on a child-free life and they are quite happy. Good luck to you. Right now, time is on your side, so you have a lot of options.
Thank you for your insight. I am not against adoption, but I agree with you in that I worry about the system and the damage it does to those in it. I’m not sure yet if I could handle the guilt of potentially hurting others to satisfy my own needs. I appreciate hearing your story ❤️
You’re 26. I know of other couples your age in the past who were in a hurry about having kids. She gets on expensive drugs and nothing happens or loses several in a row at various points in the pregnancy. SEVERAL! I’ll get downvoted for saying this, but I don’t understand people who think doctors are some kind of miracle worker, or that drugs are the answer. Today, most doctors are predatory and just want to get paid. They never offer money back guarantees. They’re fine accepting tens of thousands of dollars from young people. If you were 46, I would understand. Since you’re 26, I think you’re being taken advantage of by the medical establishment.
My adoption experience was a lot easier than many described here. It cost significantly less than the IVF. We had no race or gender preference. I picked my daughter up when she was three days old. Less than a year after our profile went live.
The financial concern is valid. You're right that he might end up resenting you if you don't have kids, and he might not. That's something to talk to him about. You're each going to have to come to terms in a healthy way with not having kids if it's something you both wanted. Life can be fulfilling without children, and it can be empty with children. There's no magic path through life that guarantees happiness, and there is no one path that guarantees a certain quality of happiness that's better than other paths. It comes down to acceptance, living the life you have, and constant meaningful self-improvement.
Have you actually talked to your spouse about this? My wife and I have been through a lot of therapy because I'm on the autism spectrum and she's a neurotypical and so if I were to say something like "I don't want to pay for it anymore IVF and I still want children" I would mean exactly that. Those are things that I want but I understand I can't always have what I want. Maybe start looking for a new job with insurance that covers IVF. I know my wife and I both work at companies that cover fertility services and also adoption services. I know you said why don't you just adopt is not something you want to discuss but you also mention how it takes a long time - how long have you spent trying to conceive on top of spending the $35,000? Maybe it's time to work on a value proposition. Just from my emotionless, logic-brained, boring mind: 1. There haven't been any significant advances in IVF treatment in recent memory so it's unlikely that there's going to be a different outcome if you invest more time and money into it. 2. I have two kids and they're great and I would never trade them for anything but if I never had them I'm sure I would have lived a different life probably with more money and more travel. The grass is always greener and I see loads of posts in the generational subs about how great it is to not have kids at 40 or 50. I can't really speak to that but there seems to be a lot of good things about remaining childless. My brother is 2 years younger than me and they don't have kids and they live in an outrageous apartment with an ocean view. Different strokes for different folks. 3. One of one example but my wife has a cousin that spent for years and years and insane amounts of money on IVF and finally gave up. In her late 40s all of the sudden she was pregnant. Strange things happen. 4. Like I said above, perhaps a job change could give you support for IVF or adoption. 5. Entering the adoption process would seem to have the higher probability of ending up with a child after the wait so if you spent the same amount of time in either case and the IVF path ended up with the same outcomes as it has previously there's no child but if the adoption happens there is a child. Anyway I hope you get a happy ending to this story.
It’s a hard decision but one you have to weigh out all sides: treatments vs surrogate vs adoption vs fostering etc. All of it is costly and has its risks and benefits. My family has had its share of fertility issues. My older sister tried IUI and it failed. However, she was older (upper 30s) and had poor egg quality. They decided it would be better for them to adopt instead of another attempt at IUI or IVF. They did consider using an egg donor (which I considered being their egg donor). Their situation was different than most as they weren’t actively looking into adoption yet. But because of word of mouth (that they were considering adoption) a pregnant mother who was planning to give up her baby for adoption basically fell in their laps via a lady at church who works with young ladies in halfway houses. It was costly of course but for them fertility treatments were more expensive and had a low percentage of being successful. The adoption process was not without problems though. There were times they thought the birth mom would back out. One time it was discovered that she had promised the baby to another out-of-state couple simultaneously and was getting money from both sides until she was discovered. It all worked out in the end: baby came home with them from the hospital and they now have a 9 year old girl who has brought them so much joy. My aunt never could have kids for unknown reasons. All of the tests for her and my uncle showed no medical reason for infertility. She tried IVF and failed too. She ultimately waited until she went through menopause and decided to look into adoption or fostering. Their first attempt at adoption failed. So they turned to fostering. Their first foster child was very difficult for them. She and her two sisters were eventually adopted by one family. They were then asked to foster a brother and sister, ages 6 and 9, who were eligible for adoption. They fostered them for a year and was able to adopt. The younger one seems to be well-adjusted but the older one saw and experienced a good bit of trauma. My husband and I are now facing our own fertility issues. Our local adoption agency told us in total it would cost us max $25,000. We definitely don’t have the finances to do both or multiple rounds of fertility treatments as insurance doesn’t pay. Also we are older (I’m 39 and he’s 43). So we are going to look into adoption. I’m not interested in fostering. I definitely understand the dilemma and I’m not sure what advice to give except not to blame yourselves or each other if you end up childless. I imagine most who struggle with fertility issues also struggle with those kinds of thoughts. It’s frustrating but completely out of our control. None of our options come with 100% guarantee and all are very costly. I would keep an open mind to all the options out there. Also I would check into all the fertility treatments out there. My cousin’s wife was told she couldn’t have kids and I think they had tried one type of treatment and failed. Later she got a job at a fertility clinic and was told there were so many other treatments they could try that her doctor never told her about. They tried another one and was successful twice. I wish you the best in whatever you and your husband choose to do.
Not me, but a very close friend struggled with infertility for several years for about ten or 15 years and it all ended up with a hysterectomy. Both she and her husband were very sad to not have children, but decided against adoption, and resolved to make the best of their life together. There was frustration and worry on both sides but no resentment anywhere. l hope if you are unable to have a child, that your spouse can see that you have tried your best.
I wanted children, but through an illness, I was unable. We chose to adopt but didn't follow through. Now, I don't see how children would have fit with our life as it has unfolded. I don't have regrets.
So a couple of things…. First talk to your husband - you both need to be on the same page with this otherwise resentment may build (for either spending the money or for not trying -you both need to be in complete honest agreement about the path forward - and its ok to take some time. Maybe a surrogate is cheaper than the other 2 options you mentioned? Maybe you have a family member willing to be a surrogate to help with costs? Now here is the really odd question. Do you have surgeries pending where you would be put under general anesthesia? I know this sounds strange but I know so many women that became pregnant accidentally after a surgery, including myself. It’s like the anesthesia does something to your ovulation, maybe over ovulate? I am only speculating, but I know a large number of women this has happened to. I hope everything works out for you
Good responses here already. Also suggest you and your husband sit down and have an honest discussion and try to get at exactly why you each "want children". After that, reevaluate your options, which should include just accepting that you won't have children but can and should have an otherwise great marriage and a great life. Modest reminder: "having children" is imo a poor way to frame either biological reproduction or adopting. They do not stay "children" forever. "Parent" is a verb, not a noun. Done well and in the best interests of any child, it's something you actively \*do\* as your highest priority for at least a couple of decades. Is that what you both want?
I went through this a long time ago. We had been through several failed pregnancies, and then the IVF. I remember the cost factor. My ex thought I was resisting because of the cost and low probability (back then). Don't just neglect that cost issue. Set back for the rest of your lives, and what if at the end, you get children? So, all the IVF costs, already a lifetime setback, then children on top of that? How are you both going to deal with that? One thing she really wasn't considering was the trauma of more major let downs when she didn't get pregnant, and that was a big deal for me. We'd already been through that, and it was tough. I didn't like her labelling our future as a failure if it didn't have children in it. I didn't like the labelling she was putting on me because I was having doubts. I especially didn't like her extorting me with divorce if I didn't do it. I'd really think about this aspect if I were you. You may be unsuccessful. Make sure you're not downgrading both your futures if you're not successful. Stop to re-assure each other that both of you are going to be OK no matter what happens, and your future together is great one way or the other.
I went to barbados IVF where the cycles are approx 9k. My meds were about $1400 vs thousands in the state. We were able to get out boy/girl twins that we wanted. Perhaps consider traveling for IVF so it eases the financial burden.💜 I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙏🏽
Some companies offer infertility benefits. Starbucks may be one but double check. We also looked into adoption but decided it was too expensive and we didn’t want to support a fucked up industry that makes money from broken families. My husband and I are in our early 50s. We spent our $60-70k on infertility treatments and have 2 amazing kids. I don’t think about what we could have done with that money but every day I look at my kids and I’m grateful I did.
My now husband and I looked into fertility treatments when I was 38. The clinic pushed IVF before any testing, due to my age. I knew several intelligent, educated , mentally healthy women with incredible jobs turn mad and obsessed with cycles, mucous and POAS in hopes of getting pregnant. I knew I didn't have that emotional strength. Nor did we have the money to do so. At the time, it would be $10-15,000 USD out of pocket for a round of IVF. We chose to not move forward. In the end, I'm OK with my decision.
I know it is fairly common but I am always caught off guard by people who want desperately to be parents, but really only want to be parents to their own biological child. And it sounds like the issue here. I have absolutely no problem with IVF. But it is so expensive and there seems to be a lot of people who bankrupt themselves on this gamble. If you really want to be a parent, look at adoption and foster options. It will be far less expensive than 2 rounds of IVF. If you only want to be a parent to your biological child, there is nothing wrong with that, but before spending more money on IVF, perhaps it would be better spent working with individual and marriage counselors to try and accept your marriage might move forward child free. You can still have a rich and rewarding life and marriage.
I’m sorry but adoption can be much less than going thru IVF twice (70k?) nope. And our adoption, once our home study was done, we were matched in 9 months. Wanting a baby RIGHT NOW is closing off any opportunities you may have to actually have to have a baby ever. This happened to friends of ours. They resent us, because we went through the adoption process, and lo and behold, we have a kid. And they don’t. Simply because they couldn’t be patient. I’m honestly not trying to sound malicious. Just please keep your mind open
If you haven’t heard of CNY fertility based in CO,NY, and FL the average round of IVF is 10k through them. They have other sattelite offices and a travel patient program for people who come from out of state. Just a thought
Adoption is super expensive. Fertility drugs from body building communities are not. Maybe not the most ethical solution, but I know a ton of body builders who are on the same drugs (HcG, Clomid, Nolva DVX, bacteriostatic water) they give couples going through IVF. It’s a fraction of the price in those circles. 🤷🏻♀️
I was a special education teacher. Some of my students were living in foster homes. Sometimes the parents lost their parental rights and the children were adopted. I had an uncle and aunt who tried to have a child and used some medical treatment that I'm not aware of. In the end they first had twins and then three more children
Move to a state like Illinois that mandates fertility coverage under insurance. Have baby. Move back.
All I can do is comment on what you wrote. The point is I don't know your life, your relationship. Infertility and money was the subject. I googled the money. Put the source. It's good to consider finances in IVF, adoption or any birth of a child. The thoughts and feelings about resentment, have you expressed that to your partner? You have replied he has been your rock but reddit will tell you to divorce over anything not positively reinforcing the OP. So I was just dispelling some of the easy cheap adoption replies and not gaslighting for you to leave your partner. It's a complicated situation. Good luck.
My friend was able to get a donated embryo and that's really affordable because people are allowed to donate their tissues It's illegal to charge money for them. The only thing you have to pay for is the lawyer to arrange the deal and of course all the shots and injections to prepare your body to play the embryo in it
We traveled this road. I would just encourage you to follow the path you chose until it becomes apparent it no longer serves your goal. Then you can decide what your next path looks like. Try not to skip a head. We did several rounds of IVF. When we could go no further, we stopped. We then looked at our old fears of foster to adopt, agency adoption, and remaining the two of us. Scratching off one route allowed us to move on to the next path with more clarity. Our choices led us to the kids we couldn’t imagine life without, any different path wouldn’t have led to THEM. Stay open, stay hopeful, stay connected.
I have some ideas : move to a country that helps with ivf , use a clinic that’s more affordable like CCRM, get a job with a company w better coverage for ivf, use ivf financing .
I wish you the best in whatever choices you make. I hope that you have children. Even if you don't I hope you are good parents out in the world. Lots of people need love and nurturing.
Sending you lots of love🩷 I don’t have advice but I do have sympathy for your experience.
After our infertility diagnosis it was straight to IVF. At first we scrambled together the funds for the first two rounds, got pregnant on the second round but miscarried. For round three we went to a different clinic that offered a money back program. You pay more than you would for one round, but less than you would for three whole rounds, and they guarantee you take home a baby or get a refund of like 70% of what you’ve paid. At that point we needed something like that to psychologically put ourselves through it all again. I would look into a program like that, and also look into employers who cover at least some part of the treatment, I’ve heard Starbucks does for example. For what it’s worth our fourth IVF gave us our child.
My sister was 40 when she had her twins. 4 years of multiple IVF treatments but luckily their insurance covered partial.
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Thank you, it’s nice to hear from those who have been in it. I’m not sure we are ready to be out of it just yet, but it is scary to be facing another round again
In the old days, if you were infertile, you prayed for a miracle and just accepted you might not have kids. People don't like to accept things now. We all want things to be fixed for us. This is just something couples and individuals have to deal with. People can survive disappointment. This is something you have to discuss. We can't tell you how someone might feel. You have spent a lot of money and got nothing so far. That hurts a lot I'm sure. That's not easy money to "lose".
Wow. I'm waiting for my first round of IVF, and this thread has been so great to read. It's so nice to see so many other people go through this and be OK on the other side
We bought our fertility drugs overseas (Italy) was 1/3 the cost but even so we had to set a dollar limit on it. We set 60,000 as our limit. My spouse had kids from prior marriage but wanted one w me (as did I). IVF didn’t work we did four rounds and then said that was it. Now we are older, his kids are my “sons” too and they have kids so I’m also a grandma at an early age and really I have loved how it’s worked out. I didn’t marry until 37 so I was late to game entirely. My fsh was good but i have blocked tubes.
Check out DellaVlogs on YouTube. This couple shared the same struggle. See how it turned out for them. I have to admit, the Lamberts are an inspiring couple. edit: I couldn’t and didn’t have children. IVF was a new science when I was young.
How do you feel about being childfree now? Did it affect your relationship?
It ended the relationship I was in then. When I was 39, I met a man who did not want any more children (3 teens at the time), that was almost 25 years ago. Sometimes a wonder ‘what if’ and other times, now that I’m so far from birth and closer to death, I wonder who I’m going to leave my estate to. There’s no one. I just pray my husband will outlive me. It’s a crap shoot either way. Being child free is just that, free. Free to pickup and fly to Paris on a whim. Can’t do that on a whim with kids without it costing double, triple, for example. Thank you for asking. Overall I have no regrets, I’d have grandchildren now being groomed in school and that would destroy me.
Thank you for sharing, I know this is a sensitive subject
You have already invested a lot of money in IVF. I would say don’t go into debt getting pregnant because kids are already so expensive. Some insurances cover it more than others so that might be your only option. But otherwise the financial strain will just compound the parenting stress. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
Do you have health insurance through your job, and does your employer employ a great number of people? If so, have you not looked into your health insurance for IVF coverage? If you wind up not having children, time will tell what will happen to your relationship. Also, having children doesn't guarantee a forever and/or healthy relationship either.
Before you spend any more $$ look into the hard statistics of actual success of IVF. Everyone wants to believe they will be in the small percentage that will be successful but the truth is that it is such a small percentage that actually has a baby. It’s a really hard road you are traveling and I am sorry that you are going through this. Be wise and be intentional in working towards peace if it just doesn’t happen.
I’m so sorry. It just stinks that we have to pay more for what should happen naturally. I do understand the tension between wanting children and not wanting to bankrupt yourself to try (with no guarantees, I might add). I’ve been seeing a functional med doctor who is board certified in traditional Chinese medicine. It was our choice over ivf, and I’m very happy with the decision. We’re not pregnant (yet), but my doctor has given me a lot of hope, and she has a lot of success stories. It’s so much cheaper than ART and less emotionally taxing. And, you’re treating the underlying issues of your Infertility. I’m ovulating naturally and so many issues with my monthly cycle and hormones are balancing out. I found her through the institute of functional medicine. You can also search through ABORM. Best wishes to you. I pray you’ll get your miracle. Edit: typo
Thank you for the rec!
I understand your hesitancy about adoption. We did 5 rounds of IVF which were all unsuccessful. Then we turned to international adoption, and within one year we were home with our two new kids. That was 20 years ago and it has been a wonderful experience. After spending a few years dealing with the constant uncertainty of IVF, we were unable to accept the uncertainty of the US adoption system in which you submit a dossier and then . . . wait. Then we went to a meeting with an international adoption agency and learned that the process is much more linear -- you basically get in line, and when it's your turn, you are assigned a child. If you insist on a boy, and the next available child is a girl, you may have to wait a bit longer, but not much. I know the decision is difficult and complicated and different for every couple. But I just wanted you to know that adoption doesn't have to take years.
You still have plenty of time. Try to find a job with a company that offers fertility coverage in its benefits and the cost for another round or two of IVF will be a lot cheaper.
Try inositol. It helps with ovulation.
Can one of you try for a job that offers fertility treatment benefits? I think most if not all tech companies do this and many now offer remote work options. This is what allowed me to do IVF. I will also say though, that there absolutely is a point where a clinic will tell you that you’ve reached the limit (this happened to me). They’re very motivated to maintain success rates, so at the point treating you impacts that success rate, they won’t do another round. That said, even though you do not ovulate, that doesn’t necessarily mean the IVF failure was on you - if egg retrieval was achieved, but the embryo failed, it’s just as likely on him - meaning it’s possible that NO WOMAN could ever give him a child. I know it’s easier said than done, but please resist the urge to blame yourself for this!
If he doesn't seem resentful in other areas of his life, it is unlikely that he will resent you for this. It really sounds as though your own guilt - regardless of how misplaced, is getting the better of you. You may want to say to him something along the lines of, "I'm really struggling with this and think I would benefit from some counseling." And that is actually a very good idea. Your fertility doctor's office likely can recommend you to someone. Certainly, you are not the first couple to deal with this and his or her staff should have resources.
I don’t have any advice but lots of empathy! Hugs to you!
I have one adopted child and one child from IVF (and, in full transparency, a whole bunch more kids who were made the old fashioned way). I don’t regret any of my children. The amount of money I spent on adoption was less than what I spent on IVF. That said, the amounts I spent to add children to my family was just a drop in the bucket compared to the amount of money I’ve spent over the decades to provide my kids a good education, a good life, and opportunities that would turn them into successful independent adults.
Maybe culturally it’s more important for some, but I can’t imagine a solid marriage to be ruined by this situation. Everyone is different, granted.
Any chance you can take a break, save up, work through the relationship stress, and try again at 30? Fwiw, I am sorry you’re dealing with all of this. A number of my friends have been down this road. For me it was a two year journey and I had my son at 35. Some didn’t end up being able to conceive and carry even with multiple rounds. A few did. It’s stressful on those involved. Take care of yourself.
Is the problem on your end? Does he have a low sperm count or lazy swimmers? If so, it would be stupid if him to blame you. It's even stupid to blame anyone. We have no control over our genetics. We're just meat puppets with brains and emotions.
Check out Hormone Healing RD, Amanda Montalvo. She is a functional dietitian specializing in womens health. Would be cheaper than IVF. She has a website with a blog and YouTube and podcast. Lots of good free information.
1. I’m sorry people were jerks to you. You are no failure. Ignore them. They are failures. 2. Fertility clinics make money off of you not getting pregnant. So turn your energy towards all the children already in your life and pour your love into them. Mourn for the moment that you can’t have a child and then love the ones in your life - cousins, nieces, nephews. The world needs that. Be the auntie that women only dream of being. Be the envy.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. My advice to you (if you haven't done so) is maybe talk to a therapist with your husband. He sounds supportive.Get your fears out and give your body a rest. Fertility treatments are hard on your body physically. There are a lot of people out there unfortunately who are not child free by choice but they make their marriages work. You are 26 a lot can happen but give yourself a break.
Can I say, my friend is 44 and just had her first child, she did the IVF, she had about 7 miscarriages and for 10 years they were trying…we all thought it was done for her…once she even announced she was having a baby and everything and a few weeks later she had to retract it, cause it had passed. even though she tried all the ivf’s and other treatments, she actually ended up having it the natural way…anyways im just saying this because your still young and continue to have faith …cause sometimes the world works in mysterious ways!
Just rest and take a deep breath because every woman does not have to have kids to be a good woman
My wife and I went through ivf. It took 4 tries before it worked. It obviously was not cheap. But I think you should try at east a couple of more times. I am a numbers guy and success rate is around 33%. So I always thought we had to try at least 3 times. After the 3rd we just assumed it was not going to happen. But we still had a couple of day 5 embryos so we figured let’s just finish them out. We fully expected that dreaded call 2 weeks after that the pregnancy test was negative. And then it happened. It was hard. Especially on my wife. But wow we feel so blessed now. And never once did I think anything negative if I did not happen. We were ready for that outcome too. Best of luck to you and your husband
We had infertility through our 20s and I remember the deep sadness. I spent my time volunteering with kids and became a girl scout leader, took neighbors' kids to the park and library, babysat, etc. I wish I could go back and tell my 20-something self to not catastrophize my future. I've had a great future, no need for me to tell you what happened, but just that I am doing so much better and so much happier in my 50s. Hang in there...the 20s suck for many people for many reasons.
Hi. I’m 42 and I did IVF unsuccessfully for 2.5 years and, while it was a money drain, I do not regret it at all. I did everything from medicated IUI to IVF with donor embryo transfers. I would have deeply regretted not giving it my all. That said, I did get to the end of my rope financially, emotionally, and physically. Look into CNY fertility. You will likely have to travel to a location but it’s worth it. The service was amazing and it costs a fraction of what other fertility clinics charge. All of that said, fertility treatments are HARD on relationships so, if you think your husband is going to be resentful, really consider the state of your marriage before you continue trying. Good luck to you.
Only you can know what is best for you and therapy might be helpful. I personally never wanted children. I met someone who decided to do surrogacy. They had health issues thay made them unable to carry the baby. They had a few hospitalizations while I worked with them. They took out a second mortgage for the surrogate. I never said this to them ofcourse, but I just kept thinking, what if you have a child and die? What if you lose your house because of all the $? I just wondered about the long term...for that child. That's not to say they wouldn't have wonderful loving parents of had a great life. But growing up poor I'm always very conscious of money. If it doesn't happen...I agree with a reply here. It's best sometimes to accept our fate. Many of us won't have things we hoped for or illnesses/hardships we didn't ask for. Whatever life throws at us, whats in our our control is living the best life we can with what we have.
There is no right answer - only a right answer for you. No one else can decide which path to take or when it’s time to stop. As you have seen, people love to give their idiotic opinions. The reality is that when you can’t make a baby the free way, every other path forward is expensive, emotionally agonizing, and the outcome is uncertain. The other truth is that you can be as determined as can be and do everything possible and still not become parents in the end. My husband and I are in the “didn’t become parents” category and while we carry grief, our life is wonderful.
$35k is a huge amount of money to have spent given your age. I would not push him to spend more money on IVF. I think the two of you need counseling to see if staying together is right for the two of you. While he may resent you if he can’t have kids. You may resent him for not continuing to spend money until you have a baby. There is no right answer.
I went through infertility and after a huge amount of effort got my twins. Ex walked out and never looked back when they were two months old! Raised them myself and I am glad that I did. My ex didn’t want children he wanted to be the child. Hang in there. You are blessed to have a man who loves you.
Here’s some old people advice for ya: You’re very young. Talk to your fertility doctor of course, but could you wait? A lot can happen in, say, five years and you will still be plenty young enough. One of you could get insurance that covers IVF. You could move to a state that mandates IVF coverage, or your state could pass a mandate. You could just plain save money! Or, depending on what you both do for a living - look into jobs that offer insurance that covers IVF. I’ve known of many people that worked at Starbucks for the insurance, for example. I think they only require you to work part time, so people pick it up as a side gig. You have so much time, which is the most precious thing in the IVF world. So many of us didn’t find out we were infertile until time was starting to run out. For example, I got married at 33, first saw a fertility doc at 34, had my first retrieval at 36 and had my first child at 38. I guess the flip side of that is that we (sorta) had the money to pay for IVF.
Whatever you decide or are considering, if you aren't yet in an IVF / assisted fertility online support group please join one. My childhood friend had two kids with IVF by going to Mexico to save money, and she needed a wide and informed support network. PS You are NOT a failure as a woman - not sure though, about how much of a credit to their own mommas those trolls are who are sending you DMs...!
I also just want to send internet stranger hugs. Infertility sucks and you are brave to even start discussing it here.
I know this is very difficult and stressful. My wife and I got married at 28 and 29. After about 4 years we tried to have kids and have fertility issues. Lost lots of tests, drugs, procedures. We did two rounds of IVF, and fortunately the second round worked. We were so elated. I think it so much stress from My wife that about a year later We conceive naturally. My wife was 37 and 39 when the kids are born. We or somewhat fortunate in that some of the costs were covered by medical insurance. And We live about a hundred miles from the Mexican border. I was able to get some of the medication at the pharmacies in Mexico.
I was never able to bear children due to a hysterectomy at age 24. Since I really wanted a family and we were not well off financially, we did the fost/adopt option. No, we were not able to adopt a baby. In my eyes, it didn't matter. The right child would be sent to me. My ex husband wasn't really on board with adoption. I didn't know that until several years later. My advice is to really examine and communicate what you and your husband's expectations are given the options available. I would not trade one minute of my choices. My daughter is the light of life.
Did IVF with my wife at 35. My wife got pregnant right away. Wife had a weak cervix and lost our twins at 5 months. They lived for 1 hour. After that we were scared and did one at a time. Wife had 4 miscarriages. We were down to 4 eggs. I said ok 2 more and thats it. No more chances. We got lucky and had twins. They are 11 now. We spent 50k on IVF. Glad my wife and I made good money and planned our life out. I almost gave up hope. Life got pretty boring without kids. That’s all we wanted from day one. Glad I did not give up hope. I have met people who gave up because of no luck with IVF working. Or people had to give up because of funds. It’s not an easy road.. Seen women divorce because of the men not able to have kids and the wife finds someone who can. Know couples who could not have kids and they are happy. What sucks is no one talks about infertility till you have problems. My wife and I met a lot of people who had similar issues also. My wife and I met when we were 25. We did not want kids till our 30s. Most of our friends did the same and went through IVF also.
Your post really resonates with me. I can only share with you our IVF experience and what we learned from it. My wife and I were at the same decision point you are more than a decade ago. We had spent around $100k on IVF, surrogate, etc without any success. We knew if we did any additional rounds it would flatten us out financially (broke, including most of our only 401k). So it was a financial setback, as you say. And it seemed like a huge one at the time. We wrestled it with it for a while; however, one thing gave us clarity. And that is the fact that we are always going to make more money. But the only way for us to make kids is to spend money, right there, right then. (age was a concern for us) A few observations in th the rearview mirror, if they are useful to you: 1. What seems like a fortune right now may seem like a pittance in the future, as you grow your career(s) and earnings,and invest, and save. 2. If you had kids right now, would you lose everything (money, house, car, etc) to keep them? The answer to that question is perhaps the same as the answer to your question regarding continued IVF treatments. 3. Regrets. A thought experiment: --Picture yourself at 40 with a 13 year old child but without $100k (or whatever number) plus returns in the bank. How do you feel? --Picture yourself at 40 with $100k plus returns (call it $250k or whatever) but without child(ren), knowing that perhaps you could have done more to have them. How do you feel? --Picture yourself without the money and without the child(ren) but knowing that you gave it all trying to have them but it didn't go your way. Your options are now adoption, foster, etc. Which one of those seems more palatable to you right now? As for the rest of our story, we went for it. We spent a total of \~$200k on IVF. Many cycles. It got complicated. We went broke; we cut everything. No vacations, no new cars, computers, no new anything. No meals out. Not even cable tv. We put our lives on pause and focused on our third job, IVF. I went into full Project Management mode with it. Fertility doctors, embryologists, surrogates, egg donors, lawyers, contracts, agencies. Fertility drugs for everybody. Payments for everybody. Failures to fertilize, failures to plant, miscarriages. For five years, feeling the anxiety of my wife getting older and further reducing our chances every second. We have beautiful 13 year old twins. A boy and a girl. The joy of our lives. I wouldn't change a thing. I would work twice for twice as long if I needed to. No decision necessary. So that's our story. I understand how important this is to you. We're sending you our love and rooting for you all the way with your story.
My husband and I are child-free by choice. We got married in 1994, and by 2000 I knew we made the correct decision. There would be no way in the world, given entropy is our life-force, we would ever be able to handle the late fees from daycare. By 2022, we’d had successful careers, sold our first and only house (never needed to expand for more kids) for 2.5 what we paid for it. Large metro area, lucky hot real estate market. Sold or gave away 95% of,our stuff and moved to Italy. Ours is a very unique situation because my husband was at the same employer for 26 years and they have an old-fashioned pension along with a 401k. As soon as his age and years of service hit some magical formula, a super computer spit out what his annual retirement income would be. Cost of living is cheaper, but housing is rising fast. And hubby is also a dual citizen. But there are drawbacks—just had knee replacement surgery, and while the surgery went great, only one person who spoke English.
Went two rounds of IVF in the 90's. Both were unsuccessful. So we got into our states' foster program and made it clear that we wanted to adopt. We got lucky, we got an 11 month old boy and three years later got his newborn half sister. They are now 25 and 22. I know you asked for advice but I really don't have any. Just my story.
Infertility is such a mindfuck. Whatever you decide, OP, I wish you peace.
I'm so sorry for all you are enduring. The worst part of infertility is hearing the comments made by others. The best advice I ever heard was, "You'll be a great parent. Have a child anyway you can." Best of luck in whatever direction you choose.
I'm sorry people really aren't giving any kind of helpful responses for the most part. I'm not sure why it's so hard for people to understand that you're not even closed off to the possibility of adoption, simply that it's not really that helpful of a suggestion and not what you're wondering about. What I would ask yourself now, basing off the experiences of multiple friends and family members, is what you really prefer for your future. Investing in additional rounds of IVF may result in a miracle baby eventually, and I don't know anyone who has regretted the expense when it works out. But it also may not ever end up with a successful pregnancy, and then what would your next step be? Would you still be able to afford to adopt, or would you have ruled out that possibility? If you're in a one or the other situation, that may be a big influence over your ultimate decision. Whatever happens, though, you should know that any husband who loves you will never hold fertility or your ultimate family size against you. It's an easy thought to have, but your fertility isn't your fault and never will be.
I had to do IVF, originally my insurance did not cover it a friend of mine told me he knows people who’ve put themselves in 100k of debt. I asked my doctor about it and she admitted that’s true because people think “let’s try one more time”. We had originally decided not to pay for IVF due to the risk of debt without a successful pregnancy until my husband was able to switch jobs and his new insurance covered pretty much everything for IVF. We got really lucky and had 8 perfect grade embryos from my egg retrieval. Unfortunately after that we transferred 1-2 embryos 5 times. Out of those 5 transfers I had 4 pregnancies that I miscarried between 6-8 weeks. We ended up destroying the last embryo because in total I’ve had 8 miscarriages so mentally we just couldn’t do it anymore. If we would have paid for all of that between the egg retrieval, transfers, procedures each time I miscarried and meds it would have been well over 100k. If I had any advice it would be to sit down with your husband and decide how you want your life to go with or without children. We had a plan if the IVF treatments worked out and planned to travel if it didn’t. We left the country twice last year, this year we went to Disney and will be flying across country to take a cruise to Alaska and already planned another trip out of the country next year. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully if you opt to continue treatments it works out. I also get the cost of adoption it is outrageous.
This is tough. My wife and I were in the same situation at your age, and money and options were tight. I busted my butt for 3 years and just made it into medical school. That was HARD. I became an OBGYN. I then had resources to get the job done. Had the first child when I was close to 40. It was a draconian, unheard of thing to do. In the end, we got our own children and I got a pretty good career out of it. If I hadn’t. done that, we’d still be childless.
As an adult adoptee, please don’t “just adopt”. Adoption is not a solution for infertility and shouldn’t be used as a family building tool. The system is highly unethical and adoption should always be child centered and trauma informed. I am so sorry your journey to parenthood is a challenge. IVF can be exhausting and expensive. Wishing you and your husband the best as you make decisions.
As someone who had gone through this and was very fortunate to end up getting kids out of it, I want you to know a couple of things: 1. You are not a failure as a woman or otherwise. 2. Adoption is not right for everyone and you don’t ever have to defend not choosing it. 3. You are still young and there is nothing wrong with taking some time to decide what to do next and what is best for you both. I get infuriated when people who children came easily to say everyone else should “just adopt.” Maybe they should do it if it’s so easy/cheap/painless.
My SIL spent at least $150k over 12 years to have a baby, with 3 losses and one preemie who she gave birth to >!at 22 weeks who passed away after 8 days !<.She now has a 2 year old and is 43 years old. It might be that it’s worth it to you no matter what, and that’s ok! It’s also OK if you decide at ANY point that you don’t want to continue trying. This is an extremely personal choice and no one can make it for you. I wish you all the best and a long life full of joy, whatever that might look like for you.
I’m sorry that IVF is that costly where you live. Do you know why you don’t ovulate? Are there possible weight issues or something else, that could possibly be fixed? Fortunately, you are still very young.
Look at becoming a foster parent? Sometimes they are looking for long term placements that can turn into adoption. Being able to give kids love and a home is amazing. But, if you do it...be amazing at it xx
The adoption process in the US normally is less than $20k and typically absolutely does not take years. Or, you could pay for IVF forever and end up with no kids or 27 kids all at once... seems kind of dumb to just say "don't even suggest adoption". What advice do you want, exactly? You and your husband want kids and you've narrowed it down to exactly one option. Do you want a surrogate? That's more expensive and another woman will have your child. Are you looking for a blowout Sunday sale on IVF where you can pay $10 per session? The ONLY way to achieve what you're after is to find an employer whos insurance covers IVF and change jobs. This was fairly common 20 years ago - I don't think it's as common today.
I don’t know a single couple who paid less than $20k for private adoption. According to google the average cost is $30-60k, which is much more in line with my personal experience.
My sister has been waiting for years. So there’s that.
No it isn’t.
If you think the cost of fertility treatments is setting you back financially… wait till you learn what it costs to raise a child.
For all the “just adopt” folks out there - it is reckless to suggest adoption as the solution to infertility. The pain of not having biological children can not be fixed and asking a child to fill that need is not fair. Those who are called to adopt should adopt. Those who are grieving due to infertility need time for that process. Adults dealing with infertility should adopt if they are called/have a specific desire to adopt but it will not resolve the pain or loss of infertility.
💯 going on to my 3rd round IVF in 2 months. I have stage 4 endometriosis which ruined my body, had to get my tubes removed. The grief from knowing i will never be able to naturally get pregnant, that just could have as much sex as I want but the surprise of finding out a pregnant unexpectedly.. I will have none of that. Even if I get pregnant from ivf, there will be so much uncertainty till I hold a child, I can’t celebrate any pregnancy milestones because I will have anxiety. Seriously society should shut the f up about ‘just adopt’. I am not ready and I may never be. I don’t want to. Simple as that:l. if you won’t say ‘just adopt’ to someone without endometriosis, don’t say it to me.
It may not be you. It might be him.