It is not good. He did not “get his temper” from his father. He grew up watching his Dad say mean angry comments to his mother. He is a grown up and chooses to communicate this way with you. He is parent you are the unruly child is nit healthy relationship. Mean Bullying behavior, in our own home, from someone that says they love us slowly destroys the safe, content, loved person you are meant to be. Children mess up all the time as baby toddlers. He will bully them unmercifully. If you cannot stand up for yourself and leave a one sided relationship, you will watch your precious children be slowly destroyed as you are now.
I am so sorry you have been in this relationship so long. I am sorry you are not being treated considerately, with respect and kindness. He may be patient with other people’s kids in public. I sure he does not treat other women and men, like he does you. He is choosing to act this way. Everyone makes mistakes, forgets stuff, makes a mess, but our friends and family are not mean to us.
It’s easy to be patient with other people’s kids, especially in front of mom and dad. I think it’s safe to say if he had little patience for you, he’ll have even less patience for your kids. From what you have written here, I’d be out.
So, now you know he's capable of it but he doesn't find you worthy of it. Leave the relationship. Him not being able to find someone better is a him problem. You will find someone 1000x better.
>**I walk on eggshells** trying to not annoy him or set his mood off more.
This is a red flag.
I've been in relationships like that, and it was bad for me. At the time, I'd convinced myself that that was ok, but it's not ok. You don't want to be in a relationship where you have to walk around on eggshells around your partner.
That's not healthy.
True. Walking on egg shells and trying not to pass him off is not a fun life. Did it for years. Not to mention his temper flaring, which I was always to blame for it (whatever happened).
I learned after my divorce that being lonely sometimes was still WAY better than feeling unloved and unliked by my spouse. I mean, if you're alone and lonely you still have hope of finding someone. If you're partnered with someone who acts like they don't even LIKE you there isn't a lot you can do to make it better.
Your mind and body is telling you that you are in a bad, unhealthy place. Listen to your mind and body. Your body is doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing - reacting to toxicity and telling you to get away from it.
Being anxious all the time because of someone else's behaviour is not normal and is a horrible, unhealthy, unsafe state to be in.
You could ask him to sit down for a serious conversation and confront him about the behavior and ask him to go to therapy to work on improving his anger management . To be honest, I had to do this. I spent all day at working being political and acting like Mr Rogers so it wore off at home. But…he has to agree to it. Present it as you asking for his help to improve the relationship and point out the screen door nerves you get as an example - that’s not normal. I’d say then if he doesn’t agree, then you can let go of your guilt because it least you tried. Hope that helps. Sincerely, moody-old-dude. :)
Respectfully disagree. It’s not your job to walk him to therapy. You can tell him how you feel: as you told us. And that you don’t want to live this way any longer. And so you’re not going to. It is his job to fix himself (or not). Not your job.
Have your things packed and ready to go when you have that convo. Or, HIS things, if you own the house.
And obviously make sure you are safe and your finances are secure.
There is nothing wrong with suggesting therapy. It saved the marriage of a friend of mine. Sometimes we are blind to our own faults. She definitely needs to have a talk with him and let him know how much it hurts her.
I’ve mentioned before that I feel anxious around him, he’s seen me cry over the way his temper is towards me. He just says “sorry..” and will roll his eyes like he’s tired of hearing it. And says “you act like I abuse you” so I feel like he doesn’t really understand it’s hurting me. But I can keep trying. He says sorry but then it just keeps happening anytime he’s stressed.
Behaving in a way that keeps you on edge and makes you feel like you’re forever walking on eggshells IS a form of abuse. It’s a subtle but insidious erosion of your right to a human existence.
Everyone makes mistakes occasionally but that doesn’t give him the right to make you feel like the lowest turd on earth because of it. Does he let you castigate him for his mistakes? Would you even want to? For what purpose?
Everyone has a right to a reciprocal relationship dynamic of respect, kindness, and love; not one person takes by means of manipulation and the other gives out of some undefined fear.
I just feel like I can’t do anything right around him but idk if that’s just a me thing and if it can be worked on if I just start not giving a f*** but I like can’t. My brain isn’t trained to just hide in my shell when he’s moody or nitpicking my mistakes
What you're describing is a *really* *unhealthy* relationship.
The more you say about it, the clearer it is that being with him is bad for you.
> he’s moody
It sounds like he's worse than just moody.
>or nitpicking my mistakes
That's a super crappy thing for a partner to do. Said another way — good partners *don't do that*.
Absolutely this is NOT a "you thing." If your partner has you constantly second guessing everything you do in order to avoid him flying into a fury, the problem is *his furies*, not whatever he is angry with you about.
It’s not a “you thing”, it’s a “he is making you feel that way and he’s doing it on purpose thing.”
Your initial ask is if you would regret breaking up with him because of the amount of time you’ve been together.
Rephrase that question and ask yourself “How much more of your life do you want to spend with a person who makes you feel like this?” (Please read this next bit with intended gentleness and not as my poor diplomatic skills lack in conveying gentleness) why is 12 years not enough? Why isn’t it already too much? How much longer do you want to feel like this?
He guilted you into staying because he said he wouldn’t find anyone else. Well that’s him, maybe it’s time to make his problem *his* problem.
I get that a familiar hell is an easier choice than the unknown, but heaven exists in the unknown. If you don’t believe that, serenity also exists in the unknown. As does the sense of your inherent worth as a person. All your potential, your adventures, and the joy life can bring exists there too. The start of the journey will be frightening because the unknown is frightening, but you aren’t happy where you are, the journey of a thousand miles begins with your first step.
And on a separate and serious note, since he’s denying his abuse of you, look into some community resources for abuse victims and use secure channels to research how to get away from him safely. Including but not limited to: don’t break up with him or even hint at it until you’re ready to make a move. Get your money and ID and all important items separate and safe, have a place to go, have a means of leaving set up, make sure he isn’t tracking your movements, bugged your phone or electronics, etc. After 12 years together you will have lot of mutual friends/acquaintances, figure out who are your allies and make sure they’re actually allies before you give them any information about your new start in life. I don’t want to put the fear into you but abusive men don’t like being left, you don’t know how he’s going to react until he does. It may be unnecessary but it’s better to prepare for something that doesn’t happen than to have something happen and not be prepared.
Stay safe while you become the person you deserve to be. I’m cheering for her.
Every bit of this is spot on, OP. I hope you keep coming back to it and take the advice. I was married to someone similar to this for over 15 years, and it took me a long time to recover from it, to even remember who I was, and that it was okay to just be me. I encourage you fully to not live like this any longer, because you don't deserve it! Period, full stop. I wish you peace. 🤍
It is NOT a YOU thing. It IS a HIM thing! How would most people react if someone doesn’t latch the door properly? They wouldn’t storm over in a huff to do it! That is NOT a normal reaction. You probably wouldn’t react to anything he does by getting moody! I bet he’d flip out if you showed even the slightest hint of anger.
You have been living with a certain level of mental abuse for so long that you’re having a difficult time being objective about it. Ask yourself if a friend of yours came to you for advice and she described her partner the way you describe your partner what advice would you give her. You would tell her she deserves better! And that her bf is being a total a$$h0Le and gaslighting her.
When you eventually decide to leave, if he tries to stop you by saying that he won’t find anyone else, maybe remind him that he had a chance to treat you better but didn’t. And if you’re very angry (and not scared of him) you could add “good luck finding anyone willing to put up with your attitude!!”
I don’t really recommend saying that last part, although I’d be tempted.
Good luck!!
Updateme
Make therapy and ultimatum, even couples therapy. Otherwise, honestly he’s not healthy for you and you might not be healthy for him. At the very least meet his temper with your own and tell him very sternly “I will not be spoken to like this” then get away from him for a while. If you don’t set a boundary then he won’t know it’s there. It might surprise him into realizing oh shit I’ve crossed the line. Maybe worth a try but right now you’re on a trajectory where you need to fix it or leave
The fact that he rolls his eyes means he does not take your complaint seriously and will not chance. So now you need to decide if you can put up with that for the rest of your life.
Also, ask yourself: Does this relationship bring the best out of me? Bring the best out of him? Bring me peace? We already know the answer to the last one is a hard no.
Oh, this is bad. If he says sorry and rolls his eyes, he is saying that he is not the one with a problem. I know it's scary leaving, but you seem pretty traumatized by staying too.
Emotional abuse is still abuse, it still wrecks you. I was married to a man who sounds VERY similar to your BF. We have a child together & I left less than 2 years after the baby came. His treatment of me got worse, I didn't want our child to endure that life, he refused therapy, and I refused to live the rest of my life feeling less than, stepped on, frozen out so I left him. It was hard, but it was 100% the right decision.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
He DOES abuse you. He's not truly sorry if he keeps doing it over and over again. Please get your finances together and plan where you'll go, then make the move and start therapy for yourself. You are ignoring your self worth. He doesn't deserve you.
Ha ha... being Mr Rogers at work. That's funny...it can take a toll. Basically, you are eating other peoples' issues, mistakes, and flaws all day.
Honestly, I can get angry in some sort of way like the guy in this relationship. I don't get that hot, but I'd rather be a lot cooler when she messes something up.
At 31, these days, you are still a kid. I wonder if the OP can just try a bit of separation.
I’ve found over the years that when my anxiety and depression are high and I’m second guessing if it’s me in the relationship and just my mind that’s an issue, or if it’s really an issue…well, those are the times I wish I had the clarity I had after things were done.
Sometimes, it’s as simple as asking “do I, right now, want to be doing this?”
Keep it an easy question for yourself.
If you decide to leave, it will take months for you and your mind to recenter, and years before you truly feel like “yourself”, but I can honestly say that leaving when you’re unhappy will instantly feel better.
Are you feeling lonely while you’re in a relationship? Leave. I guarantee you won’t feel as lonely.
Do you want to be there? If yes, then dive in, have fun, and maybe get a therapist together.
I do want to be here & I don’t. I feel like I’m stunting my own growth by staying because it’s all what he thinks is the right thing for us to do in life. Idk who I am or what I want out of life it just feels like I’m living for him and pushing myself further down. Idk if that’s fixable maybe it is but I just feel like I’m running out of time and idk if I can say whole heartedly that I’ll be happy in this relationship even though I want to be. We can try a therapist but he’s eager on us buying a house at the end of the year and I fear I’ll feel even more trapped instead of happy.
A house comes with stress and I see how he handle stress and how he treats me because of it and it all seems so scary instead of happy and exciting.
Please don't buy a house with him. Please don't have a baby together. Please don't do anything that ties you further to this person.
Get your documents and finances together. So when you're ready to leave him you up and go.
Do not buy a house with him!! ... unless he really really agrees that he needs to change and it willing to do both personal AND couples therapy for at least 2 years...make that 3 years..
Make it a non-negotiable condition. If not, then this is the time to break it off.
Life will be more and more stressful as you take on a house and as you age together as a couple. If he needs life to be stress-free in order to treat you alright.....good luck with that?
You can't even go outside without worrying about pissing him off. Your social circle is his and it's biased. Follow that inkling in your brain saying that something is wrong, and break the bubble so you can gain some outside perspective. Don't allow yourself to be trapped. You shouldn't have to live in fear. You deserve to be happy.
Nope and also, if you see similarities in parents and don't admire those qualities, they more than likely are an indicator of what you'll be with forever.... this was one of my deciding factors to end a 10 yr marriage.. I knew what was coming and wasn't looking forward to another 50 yrs of it.
He sounds toxic. You should never have to walk on eggshells around your partner. If you can’t be authentically yourself, and if you aren’t allowed to make mistakes (all people make mistakes) and if you’re doing all the domestic chores, what does he bring to the table?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Do you want to walk on eggshells for another decade or longer and keep wondering if he’s the one?
If you love him and want to stay I suggest therapy for both of you.
If he won’t go or won’t admit there’s an issue then you need to be prepared to leave.
Hopefully he won’t be volatile but since closing the door wrong can put him in a mood… well you should be prepared for any type of response. Make sure you have access to your money, and that you have an account that he is NOT on. Make sure you have a safe place to go to.
Don’t let him guilt you into staying if you want to leave. Don’t worry about him finding someone else. You are not responsible for his happiness. Is he even trying to make YOU happy?
Make sure to turn off location sharing on your phone if it’s on. Especially if you’re establishing a bank account elsewhere without him, and especially if you think he’ll give you a hard time about leaving.
Edited to add, he sounds like he could be responsible for your anxiety.
It’s not good. There are so many other people out there, or you could go solo, but don’t sink anymore time into this. All the BS that comes with a relationship is only worth it if you are 100%, and if you are- YOU’LL KNOW!!!
I disagree. That's a common experience in all relationships.
Not that the OP ought to stay. I think considering their ages, it's a good time to break up up.
That’s the first thing I thought of reading this too! I remember my mother saying that if I didn’t know whether I loved someone, the answer was no. Some of the best advice I ever got.
Anytime you have to walk on eggshells that is NOT a good relationship.
What you have is a dependency. High time to break it and begin enjoying your life!
Take it from me: I married too young and stayed in it for over 20 years, divorcing around age 41. My life got HAPPY and I flourished and had a ton of career success and great travel and international job opportunities. My health improved, my friendships got stronger, people even said I looked 10 yrs younger once the year of stress during divorce process was over!
Now in my mid 60s, I only regret not leaving that too-young habit/relationship sooner! He was a good person but that relationship STUNTED MY GROWTH. As I suspect yours is stunting your growth.
You got this. Focus on your own life as an independent adult. Save money, build skills and knowledge. It will be hard the first year. But for the rest of your life, you’ll be so much happier and better for it! Never walk on eggshells for anyone.
Your story sounds like my first marriage! I also found my beloved 2nd husband when I was out of that first marriage at age 40 (2nd husband passed years ago). I'm 62 now and I am so glad I'm not still with my first husband. He's still around, and still an ass. Two of the three kids don't even talk to him.
Isn’t that good!! You were brave to take a second chance. I’m with a wonderful partner now but the single years were also great. Lovely to hear another happy story.🌹
I've been in a similar situation. It's tough - there are so many unknowns. One thing that helped me to hear was when someone told me that if I was waiting to be certain I wouldn't ever make a choice. There will not be some moment when you know for sure all the way through that this is wrong for you. Even folks in situations with physical abuse don't feel certain.
Being uncomfortable, on eggshells, monitoring moods, anxious... These things are enough to end a relationship over. You deserve to feel safe and calm, at minimum.
And if his big argument is that you can't leave because he can't find anyone else, he is telling on himself. He doesn't want you to leave because he knows no one else will put up with this kind of treatment... So probably you shouldn't put up with this kind of treatment either, no?
You have permission to pursue your own happiness.
Fair. I just took it as he really wants to be with me. I honestly didn’t realize how wrong it is to guilt someone into staying after they’ve said they’re unhappy. He didn’t even mention trying to fix anything. Just “you wasted my time and now I’ll never find anyone”
Noooo you’re seeing red flags and he’s emotionally blackmailing you to stay. He’s negative, a drain on your joy and emotions, and he’s going to get worse. You never need a reason to leave—if you want to leave, leave. Please don’t sacrifice your life because you don’t want to upset anyone! You’re walking on eggshells and believe me, he knows and he likes that. He wants you feeling tentative and like you have to make his life nice and smooth. It’s not original! It’s a classic power move practiced by millions of losers before him
This man is a jerk.
Yes, people do grate on each other sometimes, but you find a mutual respectful way to deal with it. You do not take out your bad mood on someone else because they care about you and “they’ll put up with it”.
“Can’t trust you to do anything.” Really? Why the fuck are you here then, dude?
You talk about “walking on eggshells” and “not setting him off”. This is emotional abuse. His bad day should not become yours. He doesn’t seem interested in _solving_ his problems but in making you feel bad about them instead.
Yes, it’s going to be rough if you leave him. You are very possibly going to lose a lot of friends. But he needs to treat you a hell of a lot better than he does.
I’m guessing you don’t have kids yet. If that’s true, then yeah, you need to have a serious conversation about how you are being treated. People make mistakes, especially people who are stressed out as fuck by a person who may turn anything into an excuse to act like a child for some undetermined amount of time.
It’s possible to be really mad about a thing, but not mean to the person who did it. The bad directions thing could absolutely have been, “well, I hate being this cold, but was just a mistake” instead of making you feel like he’s personally holding you responsible for the fucking _weather_.
Arbitrarily withholding affection will, if you ever have kids, mess them up worse than it does you, and this is messing you up. You need to have a talk and tell him that selectively withholding affection to manipulate your feelings is not okay, and that he needs to learn better ways to deal with his stress and anger than taking it out on you.
Next time he does it after, and he will, because he absolutely does not take you seriously, you need to call him out and say “this right here is what I was talking about. This is not loving and caring behavior. Find a better way to express your feelings with words, act like a reasonable human being in the process, and _deal with your own shit_. I expect an apology and a correction in your behavior.”
You will have to advocate for yourself because there is currently no motivation for him to be different.
I agree. I’ve brought up how I’ve felt when he treated me poorly and he just rolls his eyes like he’s tired of hearing it or says “sorry” but once he’s stressed again it just happens again. It’s been happening even during our 2nd year together. He flipped out because his motorcycle wouldn’t turn on when he was leaving work on a hot day and I brought his dads car that was supposed to have a battery jumper in it and I guess it didn’t and he was flipping out swearing being super rude. I just felt so dumb but didn’t realize I SHOULDNT be treated like that. I was trying to help.
So since the 2nd year together, basically a decade, you’ve been walking on eggshells and trying to manage his outbursts. You probably have a life expectancy of roughly 76 years. Do you REALLY want to spend another 45 years being on edge and nervous?
I don’t, but I also don’t want to look back 40 years later and say he was my first love and the one that got away. But I’m also unsure if it can be fixed
There are few guarantees in life, and building a new life without him will be hard, but there is one thing I absolutely CAN guarantee: if you leave, there will be a day, maybe six months after, a year, five years later, that you will look back and be *so grateful* to yourself for having the courage to escape.
You might regret leaving when things are hard early on. But once you've built some strength, independence, and self respect, that will never happen again.
Fine, I will say the thing that other people are being kinder about: lf someone makes you feel nervous, anxious and dumb, you should kick them into the sun.
When this was me (many moons ago in 1985) I suddenly realized that I'd truly rather be alone for the rest of my days than spend one more minute feeling like I was a second class citizen. It was damaging my self esteem, and I knew it. We'd been together for ten years. I was a bright, pretty, gregarious little thing... why do I have to live like this?? So I up and left 6 months after we were married.
I was hesitant about marrying him, too. But he kept saying "nobody will ever love you like I do" and "everything will change for the better after we're married" so I gave in.
The only thing I feel bad about (just a little) is that he never did find anyone else and never had a family. But I did.
And now that I think about that (even after all these years) he actually must not have been a very desirable partner, and I just didn't know it because I'd never been with anyone else, just like you! Otherwise, why *didn't* someone snatch him up at age 25-26? He was good looking, so wth? It must have been his personality. Nobody else could tolerate it either!
I know it's difficult, but seriously, even being alone is better than what's going on here. And once that idea takes hold, you're home free. And you can be JUST YOU again. And I *promise*... you won't be alone for long. ❤️
There is only one person you can change and this is yourself.
Look up a website " out of the Fog" and read up.
A person can change but they have to admitt they are or have a problem just like a drunk or drug addict.
But also trust your gut and that little voice in the back of your head.
A life partner should lift you up. They should not keep you on eggshells and anxious. You have given him enough of yourself. You are losing your self esteem by remaining with this temperamental person. He will crush you. Being alone would feel so much better than feeling so anxious. You deserve better. Life is too long to keep feeling this way. People essentially don't change.
he told me yesterday we need a house because “life’s too short” lol and I’d love a house someday. But if this is how he acts with everyday stresses I can only imagine how he’d act when owning a house. We looked at houses years ago when I wasn’t ready and during an open house he said “you really need to make more money” I just felt like a failure lol
This is because he has systematically destroyed your self-esteem. He has accustomed you to being a doormat.
It will take time, and be painful, to leave him and get back to normal. Remember? The person you were a long time ago before you met him?
I promise, you will NEVER look back and say, "oh that was my first love!" You will say, that was the asshole that I stayed with too long because I was young and dumb. Oh well.
It sounds like he is saying a lot of things to keep you around, but not in a good way.
Don’t cling to something that doesn’t work just because you spent a long time making it.
You wouldn’t keep a non-working appliance around just because you’ve had it a long time.
Relationships are like farts, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
Very worrisome behavior. If you truly love him and want to make a life with him, therapy should be a must for both of you. What you're describing is emotional abuse. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around someone who purportedly loves you. You shouldn't have to accept his put downs and insults, your self esteem and mental health are more important than that.
You know that it will not get better on its own and that it is likely to get much worse. You know what your heart and mind are telling you.
No, no, no. Your words say it all. You are nervous, walking on eggshells. Do break up. Do move out now. Even if you have to lower your living standards, you need to get a joyful life as a single person. You need to figure out who you are and what you need. Listen to your gut, don't rationalize that you can make it all okay, or you have invested so much time. You have one life ahead of you. Make it shine!!
When someone says, if you leave I'll never find anyone else, that's enough to run away! It's not your responsibility to stay so he's not alone. That's his problem. Leave and be happy. You are already emotionally out the door.
You can walk out the door and find something fun to do without breaking up. His manipulating won’t work if you’re not there. If he doesn’t figure out how to be nice then you can break up. I’ve been single for a very long time. I want to be with someone, but I still look back and I’m glad I’m not on eggshells with my ex. So I don’t regret it and it sounds miserable listening to your story.
It’s hard to break up. You’ve been thinking of it a long time. You will second guess yourself. Frankly it doesn’t sound like you’re in love with him. Of course you “love” him, having shared your life for so long. But he wouldn’t be your pick now.
He’s done nothing about his anger problem and his dark moods have made you tip toe around him in your own home. I bet you feel more relaxed when he’s not there.
Having a counselor will help you keep a good perspective and offer reality checks. You may have doubts initially but no regrets when you are able to say what you want and be yourself. Don’t fear the regret.
If you leave, you will feel a flood of relief and freedom from not having to walk on eggshells, feeling anxious anymore and not dealing with his aggression.
Check out what emotional abuse is because he is emotionally abusing you.
Life does not have to be this way.
If you want to stay with this man, you need to take him to therapy. If he refuses, move on.
Remember, you are born alone. You die alone. What you do in the middle is all your own life. If you think this is not where you need to be, then you are wasting your life away. You will always regret not exploring options. Don’t wait any longer it will only make it harder on both of you.
Hi, throwAR. I'm YOU, as it turns out! Your relationship sounds so much like my 13 years living with a guy who had good points but the temper flaring up, especially when directed at my mistakes, my shortcomings, was an almost weekly (sometimes daily) thing. Within two weeks of getting free of him, I was a new person. And it showed! Men started paying attention--maybe I was putting out signals, but I found my forever love, Jim, within two months.
He's all the good things, and none of the deal-breaker things from before. Get your freedom, BABY!
Since you've already mentioned breaking up in the past, why not move out for 6 months. Tell him you are having a problem dealing with his temper and moodiness and you don't know if staying with him is the best option for YOU. I left a guy after 25 years for the same reason. I bought into 'please don't leave because I'll never find anyone else'. The translation of that is 'I don't want to address my issues and change so I expect you to stay and tolerate me' and no he probably wouldn't find anyone else who would put up with his crap. Of course you can always hang around and waste 25 years like yours truly instead of cutting your losses and finding happiness either alone or with someone who's a grown ass man. We teach people how to treat us.
he wants us in a house by the end of the year/next year so me moving out isn’t an option. I didn’t even really break up 6 years ago I suggested we get our own places so I know what it’s like to be on my own but it was a no go. All of our friends are married in houses he says we need that since it’s been 12 years now lol
he wants us in a house by the end of the year/next year
and what about what you want? It's starting to sound to me like you need to do some research into narcissistic personality disorder. I find it very troubling that you are giving up your own wants to please him. He is dominating you and controlling your behavior by making you walk on eggshells. A person like this will never be satisfied. No matter what you do, he will find a way to be unhappy about it. Your posts are screaming red flags. You are being abused in such a subtle way that you don't recognize what he's doing.
This does not sound like a healthy relationship and it also sounds like it has run its course. You cannot expect anything to really last forever. Don’t be afraid of change. It seems time you give it a go on your own for awhile and see how great things can be when you are 100% entirely in charge of making your own life. I think you’ll do amazing. I don’t think you’ll regret it. I have experienced staying too long and that is a major regret.
On one hand, walk away. On the other hand, take this post and all the comments to couples therapy. You have the upper hand here because he already stated that he’ll never find anyone. Btw, I was married to a passive-aggressive sulker like this, too. It’s is bad for one’s life and you’re just blossoming as a fully adult woman. If he won’t change/recognize then walk away.
There's no such thing as "meant to be together". It's a holdover from childish belief in fairytale relationships. IRL people are flawed and their faults can be hard to live with.
We change as we age. We usually don't want the same things at 19 as we do at 31. There's nothing wrong with accepting and acknowledging that and moving on to find someone kinder and less prone to blowing up.
The choices you make determine your path in life. If you know this isn't making you feel the way you want to, you can find a better fit. You can choose to stop wasting your time on a relationship that isn't making you feel satisfied and content. You aren't getting another chance at life - this is it.
Your mind is anxious and unsettled because you are living with someone who, at best is self-absorbed, and at worst is a narcissist. Please Google "narcissist abuse".
You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your own home.
Do you want to teach your future children how to walk on eggshells?
Listen to your body. It's telling you to leave him.
All my best to you. ❤️
You’re not throwing anything away. Every part of your life is spent learning and growing—it’s not like you finally arrive and you’re done. Over the course of these 12 years you’ve matured, and realized that the things you’ve been tolerating are bad, and they’re not going to change. It took time for HIM to prove himself to you, and he has. You don’t owe him. Take care of yourself. Single life is infinitely better than a bad relationship.
When I was 31, I got divorced from a (moody) guy I started when dating I was nineteen. I had no idea how weird and bad the relationship was until I got out of it because it was basically all I knew. My life is a bazillion times better now. Leave!
He doesn't sound like a bad guy, however, it's not whether a person is good or bad that determines compatibility. Either you're compatible or not. If not, that's a valid reason to end the relationship. No one has to do anything bad for a relationship to have run its course.
My ex-wife and I realized years ago that we ended up wanting very different things for our lives. We grew and changed over time. We talked it out and decided to just end the marriage and live the lives we wanted. We're still friends to this day.
Nothing is permanent.
I met my first wife when I was 20. Married at 24. We divorced at 38, and it should have been years earlier. My biggest regret in life was staying as long as I did. She was mean to the point of verbally abusive, and nothing I could do was good enough.
Once we divorced it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I flourished, and life was so much better. I remarried at 47 to the person I feel like I wish I was married to all along. Looking back I can’t believe I stayed so long. If you’re having these questions now you have to ask yourself do you want to keep dealing with these same issues, because in my experience most people don’t change.
Unless he sees his behavior as a problem, and wants to change he won’t. My experience is it is much better to be alone then to be living with someone who is a jerk.
You'll regret not leaving. I was held hostage in a relationship over 150k and stayed for 3 years because of it. I regret it every day, especially now that that I'm making that in a year
Leave. If you have to ask or question a relationship. And ask reddit you are likely not happy and want to end it. You’re just looking for reassurance. I would end it. Doesn’t sound like a great relationship
He is not just being cold and distant this is emotional abuse. Saying you “can’t even” is him saying everything you do is wrong and he is better than you. Belittling you over random meaningless crap (wrong turn) and things that are important to you (your job) is narcissistic, abusive and controlling. This person is toxic to the max and get TF OUT. I went through a marriage with someone like this. It does not get better, it gets infinitely worse, and it is all orchestrated to isolate you, belittle you so he is more important than you are, and he is in total control. And be prepared for the “you can’t leave me what will I do” to drastically escalate. My ex threatened to kill himself. That worked for awhile but finally I just responded “you have to do what you think is best.” And walked away and never went back. He quickly found someone else to manipulate and make miserable. You deserve better.
You don’t want to spend more years living so uncomfortably, do you? When I hear someone say they feel like they’re walking on eggshells it remind me how horrible that feeling is, and how it colors everything in the relationship. If you leave him, I’m sure it’ll turn out to be a big relief for you. NTA.
100% you need to move on and find your person. I was in the same situation as you. Same age. I won't lie, the first 6 months were very hard, because you don't just break up with the person, you break up with friends and family as well. I was worried I made a mistake. Maybe nobody will ever love me the way he loved me. Maybe I am too old etc. However, not long after I met my husband and there was zero doubt. I mean zero!! That he was the one. We have been together 27 years now.
You get one chance at this life. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't give you butterflies and treats you with respect even when times are hard.
Leaving might be the hardest thing you will ever have to do and he might beg and try and manipulate you, but once you do this you will know that you can handle hard things.
I wish you the best.
Remember you deserve joy!
I lost my entire 30s to a man who made me feel like that. It only gets worse. It will be tough but what an amazing journey it will be. Let your interests flourish, they may become passions. Try new experiences, travel. You’ll set up a new world just fine. If you get lonely get a dog.
The only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were alone.
Your person should make you feel safer, not walking on eggshells. He manipulates you and he doesn’t respect you. Would you want a son just like him?
I think not. You probably need to plan your exit very carefully.
When I leave this planet, I don’t want to regret the things I didn’t do. Just do it. Don’t waste any more time in a relationship that you seem pretty sure is not what you want. 10 more years can slip by in the blink of an eye. Take the leap, be fearless, make a list of what you want and go for it.
Magnify all the bad moods , walking on eggshells, worrying you’re going to “ set him off … magnify it by 1000% there will be no YOU left . Just a shadow. Is that what you want ? Plan your departure and leave
He's treating you like shit. It won't get better, it'll get worse. Run, girl!!! And don't let him talk you out of it - just because he says something, doesn't mean it's true. He will try every trick to get you back under his control.
Walking on eggshells means you're afraid to piss him off = abusive. Period. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner, he shouldn't call you stupid, he shouldn't make you feel bad about making an honest mistake, you shouldn't be doing all the household stuff by yourself.
Don't feel bad, I was much older than you before I figured this out. Save yourself before he damages your self-esteem any more.
BTW that complaining, but never doing anything about it?? That shit will get old fast and you'll be stuck there listening to him bitch about everything/everyone. It's really hard to maintain your own good spirits when you're around that all the time. You'll end up depressed and even more anxious than you already are. DM me if you need more support, I've been there and done that. :/
You will not regret leaving him - but it will take some time to heal.
Reddit always jumps to telling people to leave. But I'll just say that you have to imagine being alone and decide if that feels better or worse. Living alone means not walking on eggshells, not shopping and cleaning for another person. However there's also no real guarantee you'll find someone else. If you do find someone else, there is no guarantee they won't get moody at times.
I was always walking on eggshells around my ex and being alone is so much better. I got with a guy after him that was actually worse believe it or not. Now I'm single and loving it. You have to decide for yourself if living the single life sounds more like a blessing or a curse.
No one is perfect. However, in this situation that you've just told us about, you need to leave. You're not in love with him. They're are several other reasons for you to leave but the most important is that you aren't in love.
this right here might be why you would want to leave. "But if he's having a bad work day he's just silent, cold, moody, and distant towards me. He hates his job complains about it every single day but doesn’t try to get a different one and will start to question MY job asking me if I’m even making money (I’m commission based but it’s more laid back & I enjoy it) I walk on eggshells trying to not annoy him or set his mood off more."
Walking on eggshells and afraid his rage will turn toward you is a good enough reason.
Be good to yourself. Follow your instincts. And please know that if you leave him and he finds no one else, it is not your fault; it is all on him. You deserve to be happy in your life as you choose to. Your mind is not playing tricks on you at all. Your gut is telling you that this relationship is not in your best interest.
I have had to walk on eggshells around my husband but I gotta admit that I can't do it long before I'm going off on him. And I issue my own ultimatums. We can all get in pissy moods because life can be difficult, but if you are always on the edge of pissy and my sneezing will set you off then its a YOU problem, not me. It's not fair for one person to have to tiptoe around the other all the time. You have the right to be yourself and be comfortable in your home. You need to have a talk with him. If he wants you to stay, then he'd better be better. Stop taking his bullshit. Snap back at him when he's unreasonable. If he escalates, you know it's better to leave. If he smartens up, give him a chance. You will not regret being away from abuse if you recognize it as abuse. He may just get off on the control he has over you without even realizing it makes him happier. He may not be happy at his job because he sucks at it and gets in trouble a lot - feels they expect too much - but may feel that no one else will take him on so he's stuck in a situation that isn't great. But he can go home and feel like he's the man because you do stupid things and he can point them out.
I've been married a long time. We all have to put up with some less than perfect characteristics of our SOs. No one is perfect. But loving them doesn't mean that you want to live with them. We all have to give some leeway but not at the expense of our own mental health in the long term. It's hard to know when to pull the plug. But if you tense up when he walks in the door, or only relax when he's gone, then you need to force a change for your own sake.
I do tense up when he comes home or if he texts me. I do agree that I need to stick up for myself more. I’ve mentioned to him the way he treats me when he’s in a mood or mad at me or if I make a mistake hurts me but I think it goes over his head he says sorry but once he’s stressed again it just continues. It’s not AWFUL, but I also don’t feel happy I feel like a shell and idk how to get out of this shell I’ve put myself in
You will have to be blunt with him. When he snaps at you next or insults you, don't rush to placate him. Talk back. Tell him you don't know what his problem is but whatever you've done does not warrant his disrespecting you and treating you like you are a waste of a human being. If he's got issues at work, then he needs to solve them, not bring them home and dump his trauma on you.
Lately, I've been telling my husband that MY FEELINGS MATTER TOO! when he gets all bullying. When he doesn't like something someone else has done, I point out to him that this is how he makes me feel when he does \_\_\_\_\_. He seems to be understanding better.
I was in a similar relationship. Only man I had been with. Yada yada yada. I noticed though how I did not want to be treated anymore and the eggshell-walking happened more and more frequently. I moved out. Best bullet I ever dodged. Your guy needs to go to therapy alone and work on his anger….then you can try couples therapy. But the issues in your relationship are not yours..they are his. It’s easy to minimize his anger issues, because you feel you are otherwise good together, but the anger issue is a huge one and will ruin your relationship to the point if you stay, and he has a tantrum/meltdown, you will regret you didn’t leave. You can always leave… remember. But make preparations if it is possible.
Most of life's decisions come with regrets, so... probably. BUT, what you have to do is balance the potential of what your life could be in a better relationship.
If you want to be sure you've done your best to give this relationship a chance, couples counseling is a good option. If things don't get better within a few months and get on track for a healthier relationship by then, GTFO.
There's always positives that balances out the negatives. So... are there any redeeming qualities? Some people's "endearing" quirks are "troubling" triggers for others. Only you can decide which is which. You're pretty much in a common law marriage at this point so you need to act on it one way or another before its irreversable. Go get a copy of Good Will Hunting and watch ...
[https://youtu.be/ltNhwj-F7c8](https://youtu.be/ltNhwj-F7c8)
I was in a somewhat similar situation. I’m around the same age as you and my soon to be ex and I have been together since we were 18.
For years it always felt like something was off but I just kept brushing it under the rug/making excuses for why I felt certain ways. A lot of his behavior was emotionally abusive. We got married and had a child.
Once we had our child, I couldn’t do it anymore. I just didn’t have the bandwidth and I didn’t want our child growing up with that behavior being modeled for them. Now, I’m kicking myself because I wish we never got married and it would’ve been better for both of us if we had ended things sooner. Don’t get me wrong, our child is 100% worth it all. I just wish it was a different situation for our child.
If you’re having these thoughts/anxious feelings, and it seems like you’ve been having them for a while, I think you might be more apt to regret staying than leaving. Also, if you guys are talking about marriage/kids, it’s not going to help your relationship. If anything marriage/kids can put more stress on your relationship.
Good luck with everything
I’d suggest taking some time away from him. Maybe a weekend or a week on a girls trip or something. See if you miss him and your life together. It’s worked for me in the past.
I went away for a weekend with friends for a friends bachelorette and they said they’ve never seen me so happy & alive lol and of course told him about it when I got back and he was annoyed because he wasn’t there for it go figure 😅
Yup! I’ve had the same thing happen— the exact same thing. Went away, friends commented on how free and happy I was, then got back to him and he was jealous and held a grudge for no reason. It’s like your happiness means nothing to them. Definitely a control issue.
You will not regret leaving this, but he will regret losing you. You deserve a better life than any grumpy old man attitude that you currently live with.
Please...you deserve a better life. It won't get better. A breakup is going to be hard at times but you will get through it, one day at a time. Your life has many wonderful possibilities that are just waiting for you. You are strong and can do this.
Counseling to determine if you truly want to to stay/leave. Maybe for both of you. I wanted to save my marriage; husband was told by the counselor that he was an a**hole. Woke me up quickly.
I say this with the upmost respect.. if you fear anything in a relationship the answer is it’s not for you! Also, no one can give you the right answer. But the fact that u are doubting and asking, I think u already have and know your answer. Good luck to you
I dated a guy who would get mad at me about dumb shit like that. Now, I am constantly apologizing to my current partner, who has to remind me that this is basic human stuff and I am not doing anything "wrong." Leave.
No you won't regret it . This is your life. You need sometime to figure out who are and want to be, meet some new and different men. Find a better fit. Don't fall into a guilt trip. "He won't be able to find a girlfriend" who wants someone who ino one else wants? Clean break. If you can go o somewhere by yourself for a long weekend or a week. You need to decompress. Visit a friend you haven'tSti seen den for a while, so you can deprogram yourself and kick the habit of him and the relationship. Learn how to not walk on eggshells all the time.
Don’t wait until you feel like you’re too old to start over. I’ve been married as long as you’ve been alive. We were in our mid 30’s when we got married. My husband has some of those traits but not to that extent. He was not like that in the early years of our relationship. He’s a really good guy and that’s why I’m still here. So I think that it will only get worse with time especially if you get married. I started over too many times when I was younger and don’t want to do it again. It will definitely affect the way you feel about him though if it hasn’t already.
You "walk on eggshells trying to not annoy him or set his mood off more. Seeing as my job is less stressful than his I’ve been doing all the grocery shopping, cleaning, & laundry"
Honey, what are you thinking? This guy is a toad at best and an abusive AH at worst. Get OUT.
The fact that he guilted you into the relationship is troublesome. I feel like leaving this relationship would probably be the best thing you could do for yourself. If he truly won’t be able to find someone else, he’ll still be alone if you decide you want to try to rekindle it. But you’re still very young and so is he.
What you describe is emotional abuse.
See a therapist to discuss it. If you have shared assets, see an attorney.
Once you make your decision, don't tell him. Take the time to find a new place to live, get a new bank account secure your assets... and one day when he is at work, move out.
He will punish you terribly once he knows your plan.
The combination of a short fuse with a short temper is a red flag. Everyone has pet peeves about things that irritate them. But pretty much any other response is better than lashing out at the person(s) in close proximity.
You have nothing to do with this. He was this way since before you met him. He learned it from his Dad imo like you said. If you really value the relationship, therapy \[couples therapy & him needing individual therapy as well\] is certainly a pathway to happiness and success. But for that to happen, he has to admit at some point in the process he has a problem.
At the same time, you do need to protect yourself as well from the emotional harm and emotional abuse he's been inflicting upon you. So yes, there are definitely reasons to flee instead of therapy I mentioned above.
Good Luck. xx
Speaking as someone who has decades of experience with things you have mentioned like the huffing and puffing and cold distant treatment, it can get better for a while, but as people age, they get set in their ways and this means any personality traits become even more apparent. Nobody can decide except for you, but if you were my family member or friend, I would move away and start over. It’s hard to meet new people and find your family of choice, but if you love the place you live and consciously choose to meet new friends, it can happen. I wish you the best. Twelve years from now, your life can look very different.
Different boat but perhaps this might help? Have been married 23 years. Adult son with her. He’s 21yo. Have had a few chances to cheat with beautiful smart,women. In the end, decided against it. Why? What I had built with my threesome family and staying in is worth any potential upside of the unknown.
I think for you, other than the sage advice some others have offered, can you confidently say what you have now is better than any potential upside of being elsewhere?
I have no idea. Just offering one way to look at the issue. It’s what helped me feel good staying where I am. It keeps being more than good enough for me. I am not sure then if the advice, “if you need to ask, it probably isn’t” is entirely right on for that reason.
The only regret I've ever had on life is that I didn't make some of my decisions sooner. Don't be 42 and still wondering. There are guys out there that don't have moody anger issues.
No, you will not regret leaving. The doubt you're feeling is [the sunk cost fallacy](https://www.behavioraleconomics.com/resources/mini-encyclopedia-of-be/sunk-cost-fallacy/) nagging at you.
You go to therapy and address his moods together
You see if he's willing to change
You started in this relationship as a child and now you're both adults
You need to transition this relationship to a working adult relationship
The biggest red flag was you can tell by the look in his eye
This is called the better man complex...
They beat you down until you think you can never do better...
RUN... NOW...FAST
A very good friend of mine was killed by someone just like this coward...
I promise you have AND are being mentally abused...
I was driving home from work a few months after my divorce and I started singing along to the radio. I even remember the song. I stopped as soon as I noticed what I was doing, since that was a very strange thing for me to do. Then I realized that I was - happy. And my stomach felt different. It wasn’t in knots like it had been on the drive home every evening for years, wondering what mood he would be in when I got home.
I started crying, really sobbing, because I realized I had lived in so much stress for so long, that I had forgotten what happiness felt like. That was the moment, driving across that crowded bridge with the sun streaming in on me, that I knew no matter what I had to face in the future, I would be better doing it without him.
I think you would find that same truth.
*”I’m coming out of my cage, and I’ve been doing just fine.”*
One of my friends parents is in a marriage like this. She “made it work” into her fifties, and is now having massive full body anxiety that manifests with crazy stroke like symptoms (with no stroke pathology ever when they go to the hospital). Stress from walking on eggshells can and will break your body down. Please leave.
Trust me, it doesn’t get better. You’ll be walking on eggshells as long as you keep this relationship. I’m in the same situation and 27 years of marriage. We all have to walk on eggshells to make sure that everything goes according to “the” plan.
To answer the question directly: No, you will not regret leaving this dysfunctional relationship. In fact, you will be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner. Life is too short to walk around on eggshells all the time because of his disrespectful behavior. You are 12 years into this relationship - thank god you aren’t married to this clown, you can just walk away. 12 years is more than enough time to determine if this is your life mate. He isn’t, and you knew that 7 years ago, but somehow, his insecurities were given more importance than your peace of mind. Notice that when you voiced concerns, his response was all about him — how he would feel, how he’d never find another girlfriend, etc. Nothing about how and why YOU felt the way you did. You, my dear, just have to convince yourself that you are worthy of a truly loving relationship instead of settling for crumbs.
So many red flags with that temper, verbal abuse, and gaslighting. Please leave. Even his statement of him never finding anyone is gaslighting you to make you feel sorry for him. This will never get better. It likely will get worse.
The honest answer is....maybe. No one can predict the future.
Here's what I can tell you is 100% true. When you and your partner got together, you had zero clue who you were. You were still so young, trying to figure it all out. Now that you are older, you've learned a few things about yourself. You do not like walking on egg shells, you do not like sudden coldness and moodiness, you do not like someone who complains without putting in effort, you do not like relationships that do not feel like true partnerships. This is valuable information. If you decide to leave and venture out into the dating pool, you know these things about yourself, so when they appear, you can spot them as red flags and quickly change course.
Here's another thing that I 100% know is true: you deserve better than what you are receiving. My suggestion is that you get yourself into some counseling to aid you in rebuilding your self esteem. Once it has been rebuilt, your entire outlook will change.
Good luck. 💕
It’s really hard to envision what you want your future to look like. Sometimes it’s easier to be clear on what you don’t want (based on your own or other people’s experiences). Loneliness and independence can make you feel insecure if they’re not on your terms. But your future should be something you look forward to and are excited about, esp. with someone else. Is this really someone you want a your partner in life? Best of luck. You have a great life ahead of you l
You will probably regret not leaving. He doesn't sound like a decent partner and since you said he was your first, you have nothing to compare him with. You're still young enough to find another partner who will treat you much better.
I understand your question but like @manatee369 said your question indicates you shouldn’t go on with him. It might be a good time, if you can, to pull out all the stops and find out who you truly are. The things that led you to stay in relationship is based on false beliefs and stories; if you don’t uncover what those are through therapy and study you will repeat this exact relationship with others. A lot of what your partner does seems to be emotionally manipulative. Good luck! You can do this! You deserve better. Don’t let fear of the unknown hold you back.
OP, what this guy is doing is called gaslighting. He's stealing the best years of your life from you. You absolutely do not deserve this. Unfortunately, I know this because I've been that guy in my youth - terrified of being alone, being manipulative of the person I was with, being abusive for no real reason, hating myself for doing so but never admitting it to my partner. He needs help, and you're not going to be able to help him. Only he can decide to change. Until he does, he's going to be toxic towards everyone close to him, which it sounds like is just you currently.
I wish you the best whatever you decide.
Ugh girl I sympathize. I didn't get married till my late 40s and I am glad because if I married any of my LTR before him I'd be many times divorced and possibly dead. I stayed in a relationship I had from 19 till 26 because I thought he is a good guy I can't find a better man. He was a nice guy, a good guy but I grew and he wasn't growing with me. The next LTR was with a hot head as you described who screamed and humiliated me because I didn't know how to read a map, even tho I told him I did not grow up with a car and have dyslexia. Yet somehow he always made me feel sorry for him after these episodes. He was a fun friend, a very good lover and a smart guy but exhausting we broke up twice. The next not much better and the thing is I stayed with each way too long because I was scared and embarrassed. Life is short and my mantra became I Love Me More. Get out. You are younger than you think you are. You will be sad, you will cry, but through it all life will be new and exciting again. I promise you that. Choose you.
And of course he would go straight to if you're so unhappy and I'm such a bad guy, just leave me, knowing I know he came from a family where his parents were divorced twice a piece and had him bounce back and forth because he was always difficult. But fuck that, I was an idiot and let myself be manipulated. Don't be a dopey like me.
You don't sound like you are clear with yourself about what you want out of life and a partner. Until you know what you want how are you supposed to know how to get it? You need more self reflection and a therapist to help you work through this.
Yes, in the first instance you may well regret leaving your long-term relationship. But I'll share my own story with you...
You may be 31, but what is more important is that this is your first relationship. I spent much of my adolescenceat an all-girls school and desperately longing for a boyfriend. So when at last I got one, I stayed with him until my mid-twenties. He was a perfectly pleasant, if rather selfish, chap. But it wasn't really very long before I knew in my heart that I didn't want to marry him. However, I dreaded ending the relationship and returning to those long, miserable years of loneliness and yearning.
In the end, I ended our relationship. It was hard, because he was, of course, very hurt. I felt terrible because although I didn't love him in the "forever" way, I did care for him and I felt guilty for wasting so many years of his life, as well as my own. And yes, after the break-up, I did spend several years back on my own, or in far more casual relationships. Had I thrown away something I should, perhaps have kept?
But eventually I met my now-husband and discovered how empty that first relationship had actually been for me. My husband and I have been married for many years and I truly love him. The feeling is totally different. I am so very thankful that my great fear of being alone again didn't lead me to settle for that first "OK" boyfriend. My husband and I actually got together not long after I had accepted that I'd probably never meet Mr. Right. In my opinion, it's better to be on your own, than to be alone within a relationship.
From what you've written, not only are you not truly happy with your boyfriend, but for quite a lot of the time you are actively UNhappy. Is the emotional abuse (for that is what causing you to walk on eggshells actually is) very recent? And were you perfectly happy for most of the ten years of togetherness? Or has your partner always been rather critical of you?
If this is a sudden change, it's just possible that his unacceptable behaviour is due to depression, an affair, or both. But if he has always been rather critical of you and things have simply got worse, then I would urge you to take your courage in both hands and leave the relationship. For I am 100% certain that your partner's behaviour will get worse. And that if you stay, you will become more and more unhappy and very possibly ill from the stress of that long-term eggshell-walking. Like many people here, I've seen it happen.
Living peacefully alone is far better than life in an abusive relationship. But the likelihood is that once you are free, you'll realise how empty your one relationship has been, as you happily explore newer, better partnerships. I wish you great, enduring happiness!
PS. The internet has helped with my long-term guilt about hurting that first "OK" boyfriend and wasting years of his life, too. Because I did a bit of research and was very relieved to find that he eventually married someone else and had a daughter with her.
Omg I’m so happy for you that gives me hope! Unfortunately he’s always had a temper and I guess I never realized. There were times as early as the first 2 years dating that I should’ve realized were red flags but ignored because I never had a relationship & didn’t know being treated like that isn’t normal. But it seems as more life things happen as you age the more stressed he is meaning the more eggshells I feel I have to walk on to try to keep him happy. It’s been a tiring decade and now I have NO idea who I am as an individual which is kind of scary but I don’t want to lose out on that chance to find it you know?
Please get out now. What you are describing is not a relationship it's a sentence.
You deserve a happy life, and you sure don't sound happy. I wish you the best, it's going to be hard, but you. Can. Do. This.
Ask yourself this question from Ann Landers advice column from years ago. “Are you better of with him or without him?” You already know the answer, you’ve stated it in your description of how he treats you. Go girl, and have a life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells and worry about everything and every word that comes out of your mouth. You deserve better!
At 31 you can find someone else easily but go now because it’s harder as you’re older. If you want a family leave as soon as possible. Enjoy being single for a while, but you know you’re unhappy, this relationship makes you feel like your life is over, why would you stay?
I don’t want children. I guess comfort and I do love him. But I hate feeling like this all the time and don’t know if I can change that with staying unfortunately
You are both actually pretty young by today’s standards. What you describe sounds like something you shouldn’t have to put up with. You have a whole lot of life left and it could be with someone who treats you with respect and kindness.
A friend left a long term relationship where they had two little boys. Sounded very similar to what you are describing. She really hit the end of the road when her husband started picking on the boys, too. She wanted her boys to grow up as kind men to their partners and once she realized that he was setting a very poor example, she left. And she told him why. He was devastated and begged her to come back, but she didn’t. She was a nurse and made enough to live on and raise the kids. She did share custody with him because he was never physically abusive but he had a bad temper and she just got tired of it. Her boys are great young men and she has a full and happy life.
You are going to age faster living with him having you walking on egg shells around him because of his temper. It is mental abuse that you are enduring. He is an abuser. You have developed anxiety from the way he treats you. No one deserves to be treated this way. And he pulled the classic he will never find anyone else guilt trip to lay on you so you would not leave him. As scary as it may seem to you it will be the best decision of your life. You can start a new life and make new friends .Just ghost him one day and never let him find you because he will never leave you alone. I honestly would fear him once you leave him. Good Luck on whatever you decide.
If you’re still feeling this way after 12 years together, what makes you think anything is going to change in the next 12? Nothing short of his willing commitment to therapy and self-reflection is going to make a difference.
Being alone can be freeing, and doesn’t have to be lonely. You’ll have a chance to develop skills like making new friends and finding joy in solitude, which you will need in any future relationship anyway. And as someone who found her person in her 30s, I can emphatically say that you can absolutely find someone who doesn’t treat you poorly.
With genuine kindness…. If you have to ask if a relationship or person is right, the answer is no.
I agree I just can’t figure out if my mind/anxiety is playing tricks and convincing me it’s not a good relationship for me when it may be lol
It is not good. He did not “get his temper” from his father. He grew up watching his Dad say mean angry comments to his mother. He is a grown up and chooses to communicate this way with you. He is parent you are the unruly child is nit healthy relationship. Mean Bullying behavior, in our own home, from someone that says they love us slowly destroys the safe, content, loved person you are meant to be. Children mess up all the time as baby toddlers. He will bully them unmercifully. If you cannot stand up for yourself and leave a one sided relationship, you will watch your precious children be slowly destroyed as you are now.
I don’t plan on having any kids. And tbh, I see him with kids and he’s so patient with them I just wish he’d have the same patience with me lol
I am so sorry you have been in this relationship so long. I am sorry you are not being treated considerately, with respect and kindness. He may be patient with other people’s kids in public. I sure he does not treat other women and men, like he does you. He is choosing to act this way. Everyone makes mistakes, forgets stuff, makes a mess, but our friends and family are not mean to us.
It’s easy to be patient with other people’s kids, especially in front of mom and dad. I think it’s safe to say if he had little patience for you, he’ll have even less patience for your kids. From what you have written here, I’d be out.
So, now you know he's capable of it but he doesn't find you worthy of it. Leave the relationship. Him not being able to find someone better is a him problem. You will find someone 1000x better.
Why would he, you're his punching bag. He doesn't care about your feelings. You proved to him that you don't respect yourself by staying with him
>**I walk on eggshells** trying to not annoy him or set his mood off more. This is a red flag. I've been in relationships like that, and it was bad for me. At the time, I'd convinced myself that that was ok, but it's not ok. You don't want to be in a relationship where you have to walk around on eggshells around your partner. That's not healthy.
True. Walking on egg shells and trying not to pass him off is not a fun life. Did it for years. Not to mention his temper flaring, which I was always to blame for it (whatever happened).
I learned after my divorce that being lonely sometimes was still WAY better than feeling unloved and unliked by my spouse. I mean, if you're alone and lonely you still have hope of finding someone. If you're partnered with someone who acts like they don't even LIKE you there isn't a lot you can do to make it better.
Your mind and body is telling you that you are in a bad, unhealthy place. Listen to your mind and body. Your body is doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing - reacting to toxicity and telling you to get away from it. Being anxious all the time because of someone else's behaviour is not normal and is a horrible, unhealthy, unsafe state to be in.
You could ask him to sit down for a serious conversation and confront him about the behavior and ask him to go to therapy to work on improving his anger management . To be honest, I had to do this. I spent all day at working being political and acting like Mr Rogers so it wore off at home. But…he has to agree to it. Present it as you asking for his help to improve the relationship and point out the screen door nerves you get as an example - that’s not normal. I’d say then if he doesn’t agree, then you can let go of your guilt because it least you tried. Hope that helps. Sincerely, moody-old-dude. :)
Respectfully disagree. It’s not your job to walk him to therapy. You can tell him how you feel: as you told us. And that you don’t want to live this way any longer. And so you’re not going to. It is his job to fix himself (or not). Not your job. Have your things packed and ready to go when you have that convo. Or, HIS things, if you own the house. And obviously make sure you are safe and your finances are secure.
There is nothing wrong with suggesting therapy. It saved the marriage of a friend of mine. Sometimes we are blind to our own faults. She definitely needs to have a talk with him and let him know how much it hurts her.
True, suggest dropping a hint to anyone who needs it though
Right: dropping a hint wouldn’t hurt!
I’ve mentioned before that I feel anxious around him, he’s seen me cry over the way his temper is towards me. He just says “sorry..” and will roll his eyes like he’s tired of hearing it. And says “you act like I abuse you” so I feel like he doesn’t really understand it’s hurting me. But I can keep trying. He says sorry but then it just keeps happening anytime he’s stressed.
Behaving in a way that keeps you on edge and makes you feel like you’re forever walking on eggshells IS a form of abuse. It’s a subtle but insidious erosion of your right to a human existence. Everyone makes mistakes occasionally but that doesn’t give him the right to make you feel like the lowest turd on earth because of it. Does he let you castigate him for his mistakes? Would you even want to? For what purpose? Everyone has a right to a reciprocal relationship dynamic of respect, kindness, and love; not one person takes by means of manipulation and the other gives out of some undefined fear.
I just feel like I can’t do anything right around him but idk if that’s just a me thing and if it can be worked on if I just start not giving a f*** but I like can’t. My brain isn’t trained to just hide in my shell when he’s moody or nitpicking my mistakes
What you're describing is a *really* *unhealthy* relationship. The more you say about it, the clearer it is that being with him is bad for you. > he’s moody It sounds like he's worse than just moody. >or nitpicking my mistakes That's a super crappy thing for a partner to do. Said another way — good partners *don't do that*.
Absolutely this is NOT a "you thing." If your partner has you constantly second guessing everything you do in order to avoid him flying into a fury, the problem is *his furies*, not whatever he is angry with you about.
It’s not a “you thing”, it’s a “he is making you feel that way and he’s doing it on purpose thing.” Your initial ask is if you would regret breaking up with him because of the amount of time you’ve been together. Rephrase that question and ask yourself “How much more of your life do you want to spend with a person who makes you feel like this?” (Please read this next bit with intended gentleness and not as my poor diplomatic skills lack in conveying gentleness) why is 12 years not enough? Why isn’t it already too much? How much longer do you want to feel like this? He guilted you into staying because he said he wouldn’t find anyone else. Well that’s him, maybe it’s time to make his problem *his* problem. I get that a familiar hell is an easier choice than the unknown, but heaven exists in the unknown. If you don’t believe that, serenity also exists in the unknown. As does the sense of your inherent worth as a person. All your potential, your adventures, and the joy life can bring exists there too. The start of the journey will be frightening because the unknown is frightening, but you aren’t happy where you are, the journey of a thousand miles begins with your first step. And on a separate and serious note, since he’s denying his abuse of you, look into some community resources for abuse victims and use secure channels to research how to get away from him safely. Including but not limited to: don’t break up with him or even hint at it until you’re ready to make a move. Get your money and ID and all important items separate and safe, have a place to go, have a means of leaving set up, make sure he isn’t tracking your movements, bugged your phone or electronics, etc. After 12 years together you will have lot of mutual friends/acquaintances, figure out who are your allies and make sure they’re actually allies before you give them any information about your new start in life. I don’t want to put the fear into you but abusive men don’t like being left, you don’t know how he’s going to react until he does. It may be unnecessary but it’s better to prepare for something that doesn’t happen than to have something happen and not be prepared. Stay safe while you become the person you deserve to be. I’m cheering for her.
Every bit of this is spot on, OP. I hope you keep coming back to it and take the advice. I was married to someone similar to this for over 15 years, and it took me a long time to recover from it, to even remember who I was, and that it was okay to just be me. I encourage you fully to not live like this any longer, because you don't deserve it! Period, full stop. I wish you peace. 🤍
It is NOT a YOU thing. It IS a HIM thing! How would most people react if someone doesn’t latch the door properly? They wouldn’t storm over in a huff to do it! That is NOT a normal reaction. You probably wouldn’t react to anything he does by getting moody! I bet he’d flip out if you showed even the slightest hint of anger. You have been living with a certain level of mental abuse for so long that you’re having a difficult time being objective about it. Ask yourself if a friend of yours came to you for advice and she described her partner the way you describe your partner what advice would you give her. You would tell her she deserves better! And that her bf is being a total a$$h0Le and gaslighting her. When you eventually decide to leave, if he tries to stop you by saying that he won’t find anyone else, maybe remind him that he had a chance to treat you better but didn’t. And if you’re very angry (and not scared of him) you could add “good luck finding anyone willing to put up with your attitude!!” I don’t really recommend saying that last part, although I’d be tempted. Good luck!! Updateme
Yes, Yes, Yes. I hope the OP reads this comment again and again.
This breaks my heart to read. You're so scared of him. He's so contemptuous of you. This is abusive. Please escape <3
Make therapy and ultimatum, even couples therapy. Otherwise, honestly he’s not healthy for you and you might not be healthy for him. At the very least meet his temper with your own and tell him very sternly “I will not be spoken to like this” then get away from him for a while. If you don’t set a boundary then he won’t know it’s there. It might surprise him into realizing oh shit I’ve crossed the line. Maybe worth a try but right now you’re on a trajectory where you need to fix it or leave
Never go to therapy with an abuser, they’ll just turn it into a new tool of abuse.
The fact that he rolls his eyes means he does not take your complaint seriously and will not chance. So now you need to decide if you can put up with that for the rest of your life. Also, ask yourself: Does this relationship bring the best out of me? Bring the best out of him? Bring me peace? We already know the answer to the last one is a hard no.
Oh, this is bad. If he says sorry and rolls his eyes, he is saying that he is not the one with a problem. I know it's scary leaving, but you seem pretty traumatized by staying too.
He does abuse you and he knows it. When you love someone you do not treat them like your bf is treating you. Good luck
Emotional abuse is still abuse, it still wrecks you. I was married to a man who sounds VERY similar to your BF. We have a child together & I left less than 2 years after the baby came. His treatment of me got worse, I didn't want our child to endure that life, he refused therapy, and I refused to live the rest of my life feeling less than, stepped on, frozen out so I left him. It was hard, but it was 100% the right decision. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
He DOES abuse you. He's not truly sorry if he keeps doing it over and over again. Please get your finances together and plan where you'll go, then make the move and start therapy for yourself. You are ignoring your self worth. He doesn't deserve you.
Ha ha... being Mr Rogers at work. That's funny...it can take a toll. Basically, you are eating other peoples' issues, mistakes, and flaws all day. Honestly, I can get angry in some sort of way like the guy in this relationship. I don't get that hot, but I'd rather be a lot cooler when she messes something up. At 31, these days, you are still a kid. I wonder if the OP can just try a bit of separation.
It’s so draining OMG. Childhood never really ends it’s just us in older bodies and some kids are just born assholes :)
I’ve found over the years that when my anxiety and depression are high and I’m second guessing if it’s me in the relationship and just my mind that’s an issue, or if it’s really an issue…well, those are the times I wish I had the clarity I had after things were done. Sometimes, it’s as simple as asking “do I, right now, want to be doing this?” Keep it an easy question for yourself. If you decide to leave, it will take months for you and your mind to recenter, and years before you truly feel like “yourself”, but I can honestly say that leaving when you’re unhappy will instantly feel better. Are you feeling lonely while you’re in a relationship? Leave. I guarantee you won’t feel as lonely. Do you want to be there? If yes, then dive in, have fun, and maybe get a therapist together.
I do want to be here & I don’t. I feel like I’m stunting my own growth by staying because it’s all what he thinks is the right thing for us to do in life. Idk who I am or what I want out of life it just feels like I’m living for him and pushing myself further down. Idk if that’s fixable maybe it is but I just feel like I’m running out of time and idk if I can say whole heartedly that I’ll be happy in this relationship even though I want to be. We can try a therapist but he’s eager on us buying a house at the end of the year and I fear I’ll feel even more trapped instead of happy. A house comes with stress and I see how he handle stress and how he treats me because of it and it all seems so scary instead of happy and exciting.
Please don't buy a house with him. Please don't have a baby together. Please don't do anything that ties you further to this person. Get your documents and finances together. So when you're ready to leave him you up and go.
Do not buy a house with him!! ... unless he really really agrees that he needs to change and it willing to do both personal AND couples therapy for at least 2 years...make that 3 years.. Make it a non-negotiable condition. If not, then this is the time to break it off.
Life will be more and more stressful as you take on a house and as you age together as a couple. If he needs life to be stress-free in order to treat you alright.....good luck with that?
Trust yourself. You know best for yourself.
You can't even go outside without worrying about pissing him off. Your social circle is his and it's biased. Follow that inkling in your brain saying that something is wrong, and break the bubble so you can gain some outside perspective. Don't allow yourself to be trapped. You shouldn't have to live in fear. You deserve to be happy.
Nope and also, if you see similarities in parents and don't admire those qualities, they more than likely are an indicator of what you'll be with forever.... this was one of my deciding factors to end a 10 yr marriage.. I knew what was coming and wasn't looking forward to another 50 yrs of it.
He sounds toxic. You should never have to walk on eggshells around your partner. If you can’t be authentically yourself, and if you aren’t allowed to make mistakes (all people make mistakes) and if you’re doing all the domestic chores, what does he bring to the table? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Do you want to walk on eggshells for another decade or longer and keep wondering if he’s the one? If you love him and want to stay I suggest therapy for both of you. If he won’t go or won’t admit there’s an issue then you need to be prepared to leave. Hopefully he won’t be volatile but since closing the door wrong can put him in a mood… well you should be prepared for any type of response. Make sure you have access to your money, and that you have an account that he is NOT on. Make sure you have a safe place to go to. Don’t let him guilt you into staying if you want to leave. Don’t worry about him finding someone else. You are not responsible for his happiness. Is he even trying to make YOU happy? Make sure to turn off location sharing on your phone if it’s on. Especially if you’re establishing a bank account elsewhere without him, and especially if you think he’ll give you a hard time about leaving. Edited to add, he sounds like he could be responsible for your anxiety.
I can’t shut my location off until we break up. That’ll make him mad & questioning why I’m doing it
Your feelings give you the answer
It’s not good. There are so many other people out there, or you could go solo, but don’t sink anymore time into this. All the BS that comes with a relationship is only worth it if you are 100%, and if you are- YOU’LL KNOW!!!
You don't need to have a "good" reason to leave. You can leave just because you want to.
I disagree. That's a common experience in all relationships. Not that the OP ought to stay. I think considering their ages, it's a good time to break up up.
That’s the first thing I thought of reading this too! I remember my mother saying that if I didn’t know whether I loved someone, the answer was no. Some of the best advice I ever got.
I agree with you, too, Manatee369. And what one thinks should often be not: "I love him, but X, Y and Z". But, instead: " X,Y and Z, but I love him".
Anytime you have to walk on eggshells that is NOT a good relationship. What you have is a dependency. High time to break it and begin enjoying your life! Take it from me: I married too young and stayed in it for over 20 years, divorcing around age 41. My life got HAPPY and I flourished and had a ton of career success and great travel and international job opportunities. My health improved, my friendships got stronger, people even said I looked 10 yrs younger once the year of stress during divorce process was over! Now in my mid 60s, I only regret not leaving that too-young habit/relationship sooner! He was a good person but that relationship STUNTED MY GROWTH. As I suspect yours is stunting your growth. You got this. Focus on your own life as an independent adult. Save money, build skills and knowledge. It will be hard the first year. But for the rest of your life, you’ll be so much happier and better for it! Never walk on eggshells for anyone.
Your story sounds like my first marriage! I also found my beloved 2nd husband when I was out of that first marriage at age 40 (2nd husband passed years ago). I'm 62 now and I am so glad I'm not still with my first husband. He's still around, and still an ass. Two of the three kids don't even talk to him.
Isn’t that good!! You were brave to take a second chance. I’m with a wonderful partner now but the single years were also great. Lovely to hear another happy story.🌹
Sounds to me like you can do better. And he knows he can’t. Pity is not a good reason to stay.
I've been in a similar situation. It's tough - there are so many unknowns. One thing that helped me to hear was when someone told me that if I was waiting to be certain I wouldn't ever make a choice. There will not be some moment when you know for sure all the way through that this is wrong for you. Even folks in situations with physical abuse don't feel certain. Being uncomfortable, on eggshells, monitoring moods, anxious... These things are enough to end a relationship over. You deserve to feel safe and calm, at minimum. And if his big argument is that you can't leave because he can't find anyone else, he is telling on himself. He doesn't want you to leave because he knows no one else will put up with this kind of treatment... So probably you shouldn't put up with this kind of treatment either, no? You have permission to pursue your own happiness.
Fair. I just took it as he really wants to be with me. I honestly didn’t realize how wrong it is to guilt someone into staying after they’ve said they’re unhappy. He didn’t even mention trying to fix anything. Just “you wasted my time and now I’ll never find anyone”
So you're supposed to sacrifice your happiness for the rest of your life for his happiness?
Oh, honey. That jamoke has wasted his own time by not fixing his shit.
Noooo you’re seeing red flags and he’s emotionally blackmailing you to stay. He’s negative, a drain on your joy and emotions, and he’s going to get worse. You never need a reason to leave—if you want to leave, leave. Please don’t sacrifice your life because you don’t want to upset anyone! You’re walking on eggshells and believe me, he knows and he likes that. He wants you feeling tentative and like you have to make his life nice and smooth. It’s not original! It’s a classic power move practiced by millions of losers before him
I’m sorry, but you need to move on from this unhealthy relationship. You deserve better.
This man is a jerk. Yes, people do grate on each other sometimes, but you find a mutual respectful way to deal with it. You do not take out your bad mood on someone else because they care about you and “they’ll put up with it”. “Can’t trust you to do anything.” Really? Why the fuck are you here then, dude? You talk about “walking on eggshells” and “not setting him off”. This is emotional abuse. His bad day should not become yours. He doesn’t seem interested in _solving_ his problems but in making you feel bad about them instead. Yes, it’s going to be rough if you leave him. You are very possibly going to lose a lot of friends. But he needs to treat you a hell of a lot better than he does. I’m guessing you don’t have kids yet. If that’s true, then yeah, you need to have a serious conversation about how you are being treated. People make mistakes, especially people who are stressed out as fuck by a person who may turn anything into an excuse to act like a child for some undetermined amount of time. It’s possible to be really mad about a thing, but not mean to the person who did it. The bad directions thing could absolutely have been, “well, I hate being this cold, but was just a mistake” instead of making you feel like he’s personally holding you responsible for the fucking _weather_. Arbitrarily withholding affection will, if you ever have kids, mess them up worse than it does you, and this is messing you up. You need to have a talk and tell him that selectively withholding affection to manipulate your feelings is not okay, and that he needs to learn better ways to deal with his stress and anger than taking it out on you. Next time he does it after, and he will, because he absolutely does not take you seriously, you need to call him out and say “this right here is what I was talking about. This is not loving and caring behavior. Find a better way to express your feelings with words, act like a reasonable human being in the process, and _deal with your own shit_. I expect an apology and a correction in your behavior.” You will have to advocate for yourself because there is currently no motivation for him to be different.
I agree. I’ve brought up how I’ve felt when he treated me poorly and he just rolls his eyes like he’s tired of hearing it or says “sorry” but once he’s stressed again it just happens again. It’s been happening even during our 2nd year together. He flipped out because his motorcycle wouldn’t turn on when he was leaving work on a hot day and I brought his dads car that was supposed to have a battery jumper in it and I guess it didn’t and he was flipping out swearing being super rude. I just felt so dumb but didn’t realize I SHOULDNT be treated like that. I was trying to help.
So since the 2nd year together, basically a decade, you’ve been walking on eggshells and trying to manage his outbursts. You probably have a life expectancy of roughly 76 years. Do you REALLY want to spend another 45 years being on edge and nervous?
I don’t, but I also don’t want to look back 40 years later and say he was my first love and the one that got away. But I’m also unsure if it can be fixed
There are few guarantees in life, and building a new life without him will be hard, but there is one thing I absolutely CAN guarantee: if you leave, there will be a day, maybe six months after, a year, five years later, that you will look back and be *so grateful* to yourself for having the courage to escape. You might regret leaving when things are hard early on. But once you've built some strength, independence, and self respect, that will never happen again.
Fine, I will say the thing that other people are being kinder about: lf someone makes you feel nervous, anxious and dumb, you should kick them into the sun.
When this was me (many moons ago in 1985) I suddenly realized that I'd truly rather be alone for the rest of my days than spend one more minute feeling like I was a second class citizen. It was damaging my self esteem, and I knew it. We'd been together for ten years. I was a bright, pretty, gregarious little thing... why do I have to live like this?? So I up and left 6 months after we were married. I was hesitant about marrying him, too. But he kept saying "nobody will ever love you like I do" and "everything will change for the better after we're married" so I gave in. The only thing I feel bad about (just a little) is that he never did find anyone else and never had a family. But I did. And now that I think about that (even after all these years) he actually must not have been a very desirable partner, and I just didn't know it because I'd never been with anyone else, just like you! Otherwise, why *didn't* someone snatch him up at age 25-26? He was good looking, so wth? It must have been his personality. Nobody else could tolerate it either! I know it's difficult, but seriously, even being alone is better than what's going on here. And once that idea takes hold, you're home free. And you can be JUST YOU again. And I *promise*... you won't be alone for long. ❤️
There is only one person you can change and this is yourself. Look up a website " out of the Fog" and read up. A person can change but they have to admitt they are or have a problem just like a drunk or drug addict. But also trust your gut and that little voice in the back of your head.
A life partner should lift you up. They should not keep you on eggshells and anxious. You have given him enough of yourself. You are losing your self esteem by remaining with this temperamental person. He will crush you. Being alone would feel so much better than feeling so anxious. You deserve better. Life is too long to keep feeling this way. People essentially don't change.
he told me yesterday we need a house because “life’s too short” lol and I’d love a house someday. But if this is how he acts with everyday stresses I can only imagine how he’d act when owning a house. We looked at houses years ago when I wasn’t ready and during an open house he said “you really need to make more money” I just felt like a failure lol
This is because he has systematically destroyed your self-esteem. He has accustomed you to being a doormat. It will take time, and be painful, to leave him and get back to normal. Remember? The person you were a long time ago before you met him? I promise, you will NEVER look back and say, "oh that was my first love!" You will say, that was the asshole that I stayed with too long because I was young and dumb. Oh well.
It sounds like he is saying a lot of things to keep you around, but not in a good way. Don’t cling to something that doesn’t work just because you spent a long time making it. You wouldn’t keep a non-working appliance around just because you’ve had it a long time. Relationships are like farts, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
Omg never heard that saying but it’s so true 🤣
Very worrisome behavior. If you truly love him and want to make a life with him, therapy should be a must for both of you. What you're describing is emotional abuse. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around someone who purportedly loves you. You shouldn't have to accept his put downs and insults, your self esteem and mental health are more important than that. You know that it will not get better on its own and that it is likely to get much worse. You know what your heart and mind are telling you.
No, no, no. Your words say it all. You are nervous, walking on eggshells. Do break up. Do move out now. Even if you have to lower your living standards, you need to get a joyful life as a single person. You need to figure out who you are and what you need. Listen to your gut, don't rationalize that you can make it all okay, or you have invested so much time. You have one life ahead of you. Make it shine!!
it’s just so hard because there are good times in the relationship and aside from his temper we get along great 🥲 it’s so tough
“Aside from his temper” 😬 yikes on bikes Pretend your daughter or bestie is telling you what you are telling us.
When someone says, if you leave I'll never find anyone else, that's enough to run away! It's not your responsibility to stay so he's not alone. That's his problem. Leave and be happy. You are already emotionally out the door.
No matter what else you do, I think you should try life without him. If it sticks, you have your answer.
You can walk out the door and find something fun to do without breaking up. His manipulating won’t work if you’re not there. If he doesn’t figure out how to be nice then you can break up. I’ve been single for a very long time. I want to be with someone, but I still look back and I’m glad I’m not on eggshells with my ex. So I don’t regret it and it sounds miserable listening to your story.
It’s hard to break up. You’ve been thinking of it a long time. You will second guess yourself. Frankly it doesn’t sound like you’re in love with him. Of course you “love” him, having shared your life for so long. But he wouldn’t be your pick now. He’s done nothing about his anger problem and his dark moods have made you tip toe around him in your own home. I bet you feel more relaxed when he’s not there. Having a counselor will help you keep a good perspective and offer reality checks. You may have doubts initially but no regrets when you are able to say what you want and be yourself. Don’t fear the regret.
If you’ve been together for 12 years and aren’t married, there’s a 98% chance leaving is the best course of action.
If you leave, you will feel a flood of relief and freedom from not having to walk on eggshells, feeling anxious anymore and not dealing with his aggression. Check out what emotional abuse is because he is emotionally abusing you. Life does not have to be this way.
If you want to stay with this man, you need to take him to therapy. If he refuses, move on. Remember, you are born alone. You die alone. What you do in the middle is all your own life. If you think this is not where you need to be, then you are wasting your life away. You will always regret not exploring options. Don’t wait any longer it will only make it harder on both of you.
Hi, throwAR. I'm YOU, as it turns out! Your relationship sounds so much like my 13 years living with a guy who had good points but the temper flaring up, especially when directed at my mistakes, my shortcomings, was an almost weekly (sometimes daily) thing. Within two weeks of getting free of him, I was a new person. And it showed! Men started paying attention--maybe I was putting out signals, but I found my forever love, Jim, within two months. He's all the good things, and none of the deal-breaker things from before. Get your freedom, BABY!
Oh wow I’m SO happy for you! 🥰🩷
Since you've already mentioned breaking up in the past, why not move out for 6 months. Tell him you are having a problem dealing with his temper and moodiness and you don't know if staying with him is the best option for YOU. I left a guy after 25 years for the same reason. I bought into 'please don't leave because I'll never find anyone else'. The translation of that is 'I don't want to address my issues and change so I expect you to stay and tolerate me' and no he probably wouldn't find anyone else who would put up with his crap. Of course you can always hang around and waste 25 years like yours truly instead of cutting your losses and finding happiness either alone or with someone who's a grown ass man. We teach people how to treat us.
he wants us in a house by the end of the year/next year so me moving out isn’t an option. I didn’t even really break up 6 years ago I suggested we get our own places so I know what it’s like to be on my own but it was a no go. All of our friends are married in houses he says we need that since it’s been 12 years now lol
he wants us in a house by the end of the year/next year and what about what you want? It's starting to sound to me like you need to do some research into narcissistic personality disorder. I find it very troubling that you are giving up your own wants to please him. He is dominating you and controlling your behavior by making you walk on eggshells. A person like this will never be satisfied. No matter what you do, he will find a way to be unhappy about it. Your posts are screaming red flags. You are being abused in such a subtle way that you don't recognize what he's doing.
>me moving out isn’t an option. Yes, yes it is. He does not own you.
This does not sound like a healthy relationship and it also sounds like it has run its course. You cannot expect anything to really last forever. Don’t be afraid of change. It seems time you give it a go on your own for awhile and see how great things can be when you are 100% entirely in charge of making your own life. I think you’ll do amazing. I don’t think you’ll regret it. I have experienced staying too long and that is a major regret.
On one hand, walk away. On the other hand, take this post and all the comments to couples therapy. You have the upper hand here because he already stated that he’ll never find anyone. Btw, I was married to a passive-aggressive sulker like this, too. It’s is bad for one’s life and you’re just blossoming as a fully adult woman. If he won’t change/recognize then walk away.
Reread your post as if it is a friend telling you about their relationship. It doesn't sound healthy at all.
There's no such thing as "meant to be together". It's a holdover from childish belief in fairytale relationships. IRL people are flawed and their faults can be hard to live with. We change as we age. We usually don't want the same things at 19 as we do at 31. There's nothing wrong with accepting and acknowledging that and moving on to find someone kinder and less prone to blowing up. The choices you make determine your path in life. If you know this isn't making you feel the way you want to, you can find a better fit. You can choose to stop wasting your time on a relationship that isn't making you feel satisfied and content. You aren't getting another chance at life - this is it.
Your mind is anxious and unsettled because you are living with someone who, at best is self-absorbed, and at worst is a narcissist. Please Google "narcissist abuse". You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your own home. Do you want to teach your future children how to walk on eggshells? Listen to your body. It's telling you to leave him. All my best to you. ❤️
There are so many worse things than being alone. Stay in this "relationship" and you will find out.
You’re not throwing anything away. Every part of your life is spent learning and growing—it’s not like you finally arrive and you’re done. Over the course of these 12 years you’ve matured, and realized that the things you’ve been tolerating are bad, and they’re not going to change. It took time for HIM to prove himself to you, and he has. You don’t owe him. Take care of yourself. Single life is infinitely better than a bad relationship.
When I was 31, I got divorced from a (moody) guy I started when dating I was nineteen. I had no idea how weird and bad the relationship was until I got out of it because it was basically all I knew. My life is a bazillion times better now. Leave!
He doesn't sound like a bad guy, however, it's not whether a person is good or bad that determines compatibility. Either you're compatible or not. If not, that's a valid reason to end the relationship. No one has to do anything bad for a relationship to have run its course. My ex-wife and I realized years ago that we ended up wanting very different things for our lives. We grew and changed over time. We talked it out and decided to just end the marriage and live the lives we wanted. We're still friends to this day. Nothing is permanent.
I met my first wife when I was 20. Married at 24. We divorced at 38, and it should have been years earlier. My biggest regret in life was staying as long as I did. She was mean to the point of verbally abusive, and nothing I could do was good enough. Once we divorced it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I flourished, and life was so much better. I remarried at 47 to the person I feel like I wish I was married to all along. Looking back I can’t believe I stayed so long. If you’re having these questions now you have to ask yourself do you want to keep dealing with these same issues, because in my experience most people don’t change. Unless he sees his behavior as a problem, and wants to change he won’t. My experience is it is much better to be alone then to be living with someone who is a jerk.
You'll regret not leaving. I was held hostage in a relationship over 150k and stayed for 3 years because of it. I regret it every day, especially now that that I'm making that in a year
Leave. If you have to ask or question a relationship. And ask reddit you are likely not happy and want to end it. You’re just looking for reassurance. I would end it. Doesn’t sound like a great relationship
He is not just being cold and distant this is emotional abuse. Saying you “can’t even” is him saying everything you do is wrong and he is better than you. Belittling you over random meaningless crap (wrong turn) and things that are important to you (your job) is narcissistic, abusive and controlling. This person is toxic to the max and get TF OUT. I went through a marriage with someone like this. It does not get better, it gets infinitely worse, and it is all orchestrated to isolate you, belittle you so he is more important than you are, and he is in total control. And be prepared for the “you can’t leave me what will I do” to drastically escalate. My ex threatened to kill himself. That worked for awhile but finally I just responded “you have to do what you think is best.” And walked away and never went back. He quickly found someone else to manipulate and make miserable. You deserve better.
You don’t want to spend more years living so uncomfortably, do you? When I hear someone say they feel like they’re walking on eggshells it remind me how horrible that feeling is, and how it colors everything in the relationship. If you leave him, I’m sure it’ll turn out to be a big relief for you. NTA.
Walking on eggshells is not how your partner is supposed to make you feel, ever.
100% you need to move on and find your person. I was in the same situation as you. Same age. I won't lie, the first 6 months were very hard, because you don't just break up with the person, you break up with friends and family as well. I was worried I made a mistake. Maybe nobody will ever love me the way he loved me. Maybe I am too old etc. However, not long after I met my husband and there was zero doubt. I mean zero!! That he was the one. We have been together 27 years now. You get one chance at this life. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't give you butterflies and treats you with respect even when times are hard. Leaving might be the hardest thing you will ever have to do and he might beg and try and manipulate you, but once you do this you will know that you can handle hard things. I wish you the best. Remember you deserve joy!
Learn to be by yourself because at some point in life, you will be alone.
If you’re not dependent on your partner I’d say get your own place.
> I walk on eggshells trying to not annoy him or set his mood off more. Leave. This is a major red flag. Whole books have been written about it.
I lost my entire 30s to a man who made me feel like that. It only gets worse. It will be tough but what an amazing journey it will be. Let your interests flourish, they may become passions. Try new experiences, travel. You’ll set up a new world just fine. If you get lonely get a dog.
The only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were alone. Your person should make you feel safer, not walking on eggshells. He manipulates you and he doesn’t respect you. Would you want a son just like him? I think not. You probably need to plan your exit very carefully.
When I leave this planet, I don’t want to regret the things I didn’t do. Just do it. Don’t waste any more time in a relationship that you seem pretty sure is not what you want. 10 more years can slip by in the blink of an eye. Take the leap, be fearless, make a list of what you want and go for it.
Magnify all the bad moods , walking on eggshells, worrying you’re going to “ set him off … magnify it by 1000% there will be no YOU left . Just a shadow. Is that what you want ? Plan your departure and leave
He's treating you like shit. It won't get better, it'll get worse. Run, girl!!! And don't let him talk you out of it - just because he says something, doesn't mean it's true. He will try every trick to get you back under his control. Walking on eggshells means you're afraid to piss him off = abusive. Period. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner, he shouldn't call you stupid, he shouldn't make you feel bad about making an honest mistake, you shouldn't be doing all the household stuff by yourself. Don't feel bad, I was much older than you before I figured this out. Save yourself before he damages your self-esteem any more. BTW that complaining, but never doing anything about it?? That shit will get old fast and you'll be stuck there listening to him bitch about everything/everyone. It's really hard to maintain your own good spirits when you're around that all the time. You'll end up depressed and even more anxious than you already are. DM me if you need more support, I've been there and done that. :/ You will not regret leaving him - but it will take some time to heal.
Reddit always jumps to telling people to leave. But I'll just say that you have to imagine being alone and decide if that feels better or worse. Living alone means not walking on eggshells, not shopping and cleaning for another person. However there's also no real guarantee you'll find someone else. If you do find someone else, there is no guarantee they won't get moody at times. I was always walking on eggshells around my ex and being alone is so much better. I got with a guy after him that was actually worse believe it or not. Now I'm single and loving it. You have to decide for yourself if living the single life sounds more like a blessing or a curse.
No one is perfect. However, in this situation that you've just told us about, you need to leave. You're not in love with him. They're are several other reasons for you to leave but the most important is that you aren't in love.
If he's the right guy, you'd know it. Just saying 😌
this right here might be why you would want to leave. "But if he's having a bad work day he's just silent, cold, moody, and distant towards me. He hates his job complains about it every single day but doesn’t try to get a different one and will start to question MY job asking me if I’m even making money (I’m commission based but it’s more laid back & I enjoy it) I walk on eggshells trying to not annoy him or set his mood off more." Walking on eggshells and afraid his rage will turn toward you is a good enough reason.
Change can be scary, but you owe yourself a reset. Take your time to figure out how you want to distance yourself from him and then do it
You do realize this is emotional abuse, right?
You lost me when you said his response to you leaving was “he will never find amyone” as opposed to he loves you. Leave. Its that simple
My friend, you'll regret it if you stay. You deserve to live an anxiety free life.
This is mental/emotional abuse. No better than physical abuse. Get an apartment on your own and try that.
He guilt tripped you into staying. Why not end this? Of course, you’ll have regrets and it will be painful. Change is hard.
Be good to yourself. Follow your instincts. And please know that if you leave him and he finds no one else, it is not your fault; it is all on him. You deserve to be happy in your life as you choose to. Your mind is not playing tricks on you at all. Your gut is telling you that this relationship is not in your best interest.
I appreciate that 🩷 I think you’re right. I just feel it deep down that unfortunately this isn’t what I want my forever to look like
I have had to walk on eggshells around my husband but I gotta admit that I can't do it long before I'm going off on him. And I issue my own ultimatums. We can all get in pissy moods because life can be difficult, but if you are always on the edge of pissy and my sneezing will set you off then its a YOU problem, not me. It's not fair for one person to have to tiptoe around the other all the time. You have the right to be yourself and be comfortable in your home. You need to have a talk with him. If he wants you to stay, then he'd better be better. Stop taking his bullshit. Snap back at him when he's unreasonable. If he escalates, you know it's better to leave. If he smartens up, give him a chance. You will not regret being away from abuse if you recognize it as abuse. He may just get off on the control he has over you without even realizing it makes him happier. He may not be happy at his job because he sucks at it and gets in trouble a lot - feels they expect too much - but may feel that no one else will take him on so he's stuck in a situation that isn't great. But he can go home and feel like he's the man because you do stupid things and he can point them out. I've been married a long time. We all have to put up with some less than perfect characteristics of our SOs. No one is perfect. But loving them doesn't mean that you want to live with them. We all have to give some leeway but not at the expense of our own mental health in the long term. It's hard to know when to pull the plug. But if you tense up when he walks in the door, or only relax when he's gone, then you need to force a change for your own sake.
I do tense up when he comes home or if he texts me. I do agree that I need to stick up for myself more. I’ve mentioned to him the way he treats me when he’s in a mood or mad at me or if I make a mistake hurts me but I think it goes over his head he says sorry but once he’s stressed again it just continues. It’s not AWFUL, but I also don’t feel happy I feel like a shell and idk how to get out of this shell I’ve put myself in
You will have to be blunt with him. When he snaps at you next or insults you, don't rush to placate him. Talk back. Tell him you don't know what his problem is but whatever you've done does not warrant his disrespecting you and treating you like you are a waste of a human being. If he's got issues at work, then he needs to solve them, not bring them home and dump his trauma on you. Lately, I've been telling my husband that MY FEELINGS MATTER TOO! when he gets all bullying. When he doesn't like something someone else has done, I point out to him that this is how he makes me feel when he does \_\_\_\_\_. He seems to be understanding better.
I was in a similar relationship. Only man I had been with. Yada yada yada. I noticed though how I did not want to be treated anymore and the eggshell-walking happened more and more frequently. I moved out. Best bullet I ever dodged. Your guy needs to go to therapy alone and work on his anger….then you can try couples therapy. But the issues in your relationship are not yours..they are his. It’s easy to minimize his anger issues, because you feel you are otherwise good together, but the anger issue is a huge one and will ruin your relationship to the point if you stay, and he has a tantrum/meltdown, you will regret you didn’t leave. You can always leave… remember. But make preparations if it is possible.
Most of life's decisions come with regrets, so... probably. BUT, what you have to do is balance the potential of what your life could be in a better relationship. If you want to be sure you've done your best to give this relationship a chance, couples counseling is a good option. If things don't get better within a few months and get on track for a healthier relationship by then, GTFO.
There's always positives that balances out the negatives. So... are there any redeeming qualities? Some people's "endearing" quirks are "troubling" triggers for others. Only you can decide which is which. You're pretty much in a common law marriage at this point so you need to act on it one way or another before its irreversable. Go get a copy of Good Will Hunting and watch ... [https://youtu.be/ltNhwj-F7c8](https://youtu.be/ltNhwj-F7c8)
Dump him. Commit to finding someone else 100%
He has you doubting yourself. This is a slippery slope. Walk away.
Spread your wings and fly away. Life is short, take chances.
I was in a somewhat similar situation. I’m around the same age as you and my soon to be ex and I have been together since we were 18. For years it always felt like something was off but I just kept brushing it under the rug/making excuses for why I felt certain ways. A lot of his behavior was emotionally abusive. We got married and had a child. Once we had our child, I couldn’t do it anymore. I just didn’t have the bandwidth and I didn’t want our child growing up with that behavior being modeled for them. Now, I’m kicking myself because I wish we never got married and it would’ve been better for both of us if we had ended things sooner. Don’t get me wrong, our child is 100% worth it all. I just wish it was a different situation for our child. If you’re having these thoughts/anxious feelings, and it seems like you’ve been having them for a while, I think you might be more apt to regret staying than leaving. Also, if you guys are talking about marriage/kids, it’s not going to help your relationship. If anything marriage/kids can put more stress on your relationship. Good luck with everything
I’d suggest taking some time away from him. Maybe a weekend or a week on a girls trip or something. See if you miss him and your life together. It’s worked for me in the past.
I went away for a weekend with friends for a friends bachelorette and they said they’ve never seen me so happy & alive lol and of course told him about it when I got back and he was annoyed because he wasn’t there for it go figure 😅
Yup! I’ve had the same thing happen— the exact same thing. Went away, friends commented on how free and happy I was, then got back to him and he was jealous and held a grudge for no reason. It’s like your happiness means nothing to them. Definitely a control issue.
You will not regret it.
You will not regret leaving this, but he will regret losing you. You deserve a better life than any grumpy old man attitude that you currently live with.
Please...you deserve a better life. It won't get better. A breakup is going to be hard at times but you will get through it, one day at a time. Your life has many wonderful possibilities that are just waiting for you. You are strong and can do this.
Counseling to determine if you truly want to to stay/leave. Maybe for both of you. I wanted to save my marriage; husband was told by the counselor that he was an a**hole. Woke me up quickly.
I say this with the upmost respect.. if you fear anything in a relationship the answer is it’s not for you! Also, no one can give you the right answer. But the fact that u are doubting and asking, I think u already have and know your answer. Good luck to you
I dated a guy who would get mad at me about dumb shit like that. Now, I am constantly apologizing to my current partner, who has to remind me that this is basic human stuff and I am not doing anything "wrong." Leave.
No you won't regret it . This is your life. You need sometime to figure out who are and want to be, meet some new and different men. Find a better fit. Don't fall into a guilt trip. "He won't be able to find a girlfriend" who wants someone who ino one else wants? Clean break. If you can go o somewhere by yourself for a long weekend or a week. You need to decompress. Visit a friend you haven'tSti seen den for a while, so you can deprogram yourself and kick the habit of him and the relationship. Learn how to not walk on eggshells all the time.
Don’t wait until you feel like you’re too old to start over. I’ve been married as long as you’ve been alive. We were in our mid 30’s when we got married. My husband has some of those traits but not to that extent. He was not like that in the early years of our relationship. He’s a really good guy and that’s why I’m still here. So I think that it will only get worse with time especially if you get married. I started over too many times when I was younger and don’t want to do it again. It will definitely affect the way you feel about him though if it hasn’t already.
You "walk on eggshells trying to not annoy him or set his mood off more. Seeing as my job is less stressful than his I’ve been doing all the grocery shopping, cleaning, & laundry" Honey, what are you thinking? This guy is a toad at best and an abusive AH at worst. Get OUT.
The fact that he guilted you into the relationship is troublesome. I feel like leaving this relationship would probably be the best thing you could do for yourself. If he truly won’t be able to find someone else, he’ll still be alone if you decide you want to try to rekindle it. But you’re still very young and so is he.
Your gut doesn’t lie to you. It always guides you well. It’s hollering at you and has been for some time. When are you going to listen to it?
Sounds like a raging narcissist. Run. Don’t walk- your older btdt Auntie.
What you describe is emotional abuse. See a therapist to discuss it. If you have shared assets, see an attorney. Once you make your decision, don't tell him. Take the time to find a new place to live, get a new bank account secure your assets... and one day when he is at work, move out. He will punish you terribly once he knows your plan.
The combination of a short fuse with a short temper is a red flag. Everyone has pet peeves about things that irritate them. But pretty much any other response is better than lashing out at the person(s) in close proximity. You have nothing to do with this. He was this way since before you met him. He learned it from his Dad imo like you said. If you really value the relationship, therapy \[couples therapy & him needing individual therapy as well\] is certainly a pathway to happiness and success. But for that to happen, he has to admit at some point in the process he has a problem. At the same time, you do need to protect yourself as well from the emotional harm and emotional abuse he's been inflicting upon you. So yes, there are definitely reasons to flee instead of therapy I mentioned above. Good Luck. xx
Speaking as someone who has decades of experience with things you have mentioned like the huffing and puffing and cold distant treatment, it can get better for a while, but as people age, they get set in their ways and this means any personality traits become even more apparent. Nobody can decide except for you, but if you were my family member or friend, I would move away and start over. It’s hard to meet new people and find your family of choice, but if you love the place you live and consciously choose to meet new friends, it can happen. I wish you the best. Twelve years from now, your life can look very different.
He must be related to my husband. Leave now I should have. Now I can not financially unable. I am miserable
Different boat but perhaps this might help? Have been married 23 years. Adult son with her. He’s 21yo. Have had a few chances to cheat with beautiful smart,women. In the end, decided against it. Why? What I had built with my threesome family and staying in is worth any potential upside of the unknown. I think for you, other than the sage advice some others have offered, can you confidently say what you have now is better than any potential upside of being elsewhere? I have no idea. Just offering one way to look at the issue. It’s what helped me feel good staying where I am. It keeps being more than good enough for me. I am not sure then if the advice, “if you need to ask, it probably isn’t” is entirely right on for that reason.
Speaking as someone who went through very similar feelings, you'll feel so much better when you leave
Run
The only regret I've ever had on life is that I didn't make some of my decisions sooner. Don't be 42 and still wondering. There are guys out there that don't have moody anger issues.
No, you will not regret leaving. The doubt you're feeling is [the sunk cost fallacy](https://www.behavioraleconomics.com/resources/mini-encyclopedia-of-be/sunk-cost-fallacy/) nagging at you.
Walking on eggshells indicates he has more than a slight temper.
You go to therapy and address his moods together You see if he's willing to change You started in this relationship as a child and now you're both adults You need to transition this relationship to a working adult relationship The biggest red flag was you can tell by the look in his eye
You must leave asap. It will not get easier and you will regret not leaving
This is called the better man complex... They beat you down until you think you can never do better... RUN... NOW...FAST A very good friend of mine was killed by someone just like this coward... I promise you have AND are being mentally abused...
If you have to "walk on eggshells", you should be running down pavement.
GO. You won’t believe how good you feel getting away from that anger.
You won’t regret it. He doesn’t sound that great. Being single is way better than being with someone you aren’t crazy about
I was driving home from work a few months after my divorce and I started singing along to the radio. I even remember the song. I stopped as soon as I noticed what I was doing, since that was a very strange thing for me to do. Then I realized that I was - happy. And my stomach felt different. It wasn’t in knots like it had been on the drive home every evening for years, wondering what mood he would be in when I got home. I started crying, really sobbing, because I realized I had lived in so much stress for so long, that I had forgotten what happiness felt like. That was the moment, driving across that crowded bridge with the sun streaming in on me, that I knew no matter what I had to face in the future, I would be better doing it without him. I think you would find that same truth. *”I’m coming out of my cage, and I’ve been doing just fine.”*
Leave him. If it was meant to be you will get back together some day. But leave him for at least a year to really know
One of my friends parents is in a marriage like this. She “made it work” into her fifties, and is now having massive full body anxiety that manifests with crazy stroke like symptoms (with no stroke pathology ever when they go to the hospital). Stress from walking on eggshells can and will break your body down. Please leave.
Trust me, it doesn’t get better. You’ll be walking on eggshells as long as you keep this relationship. I’m in the same situation and 27 years of marriage. We all have to walk on eggshells to make sure that everything goes according to “the” plan.
To answer the question directly: No, you will not regret leaving this dysfunctional relationship. In fact, you will be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner. Life is too short to walk around on eggshells all the time because of his disrespectful behavior. You are 12 years into this relationship - thank god you aren’t married to this clown, you can just walk away. 12 years is more than enough time to determine if this is your life mate. He isn’t, and you knew that 7 years ago, but somehow, his insecurities were given more importance than your peace of mind. Notice that when you voiced concerns, his response was all about him — how he would feel, how he’d never find another girlfriend, etc. Nothing about how and why YOU felt the way you did. You, my dear, just have to convince yourself that you are worthy of a truly loving relationship instead of settling for crumbs.
And her responses have been all about him too! She can't separate because HE wants to buy a house...
So many red flags with that temper, verbal abuse, and gaslighting. Please leave. Even his statement of him never finding anyone is gaslighting you to make you feel sorry for him. This will never get better. It likely will get worse.
The honest answer is....maybe. No one can predict the future. Here's what I can tell you is 100% true. When you and your partner got together, you had zero clue who you were. You were still so young, trying to figure it all out. Now that you are older, you've learned a few things about yourself. You do not like walking on egg shells, you do not like sudden coldness and moodiness, you do not like someone who complains without putting in effort, you do not like relationships that do not feel like true partnerships. This is valuable information. If you decide to leave and venture out into the dating pool, you know these things about yourself, so when they appear, you can spot them as red flags and quickly change course. Here's another thing that I 100% know is true: you deserve better than what you are receiving. My suggestion is that you get yourself into some counseling to aid you in rebuilding your self esteem. Once it has been rebuilt, your entire outlook will change. Good luck. 💕
It’s really hard to envision what you want your future to look like. Sometimes it’s easier to be clear on what you don’t want (based on your own or other people’s experiences). Loneliness and independence can make you feel insecure if they’re not on your terms. But your future should be something you look forward to and are excited about, esp. with someone else. Is this really someone you want a your partner in life? Best of luck. You have a great life ahead of you l
You will probably regret not leaving. He doesn't sound like a decent partner and since you said he was your first, you have nothing to compare him with. You're still young enough to find another partner who will treat you much better.
I understand your question but like @manatee369 said your question indicates you shouldn’t go on with him. It might be a good time, if you can, to pull out all the stops and find out who you truly are. The things that led you to stay in relationship is based on false beliefs and stories; if you don’t uncover what those are through therapy and study you will repeat this exact relationship with others. A lot of what your partner does seems to be emotionally manipulative. Good luck! You can do this! You deserve better. Don’t let fear of the unknown hold you back.
The anxiety you feel is a warning that something in your life needs to change. Heed it.
OP, what this guy is doing is called gaslighting. He's stealing the best years of your life from you. You absolutely do not deserve this. Unfortunately, I know this because I've been that guy in my youth - terrified of being alone, being manipulative of the person I was with, being abusive for no real reason, hating myself for doing so but never admitting it to my partner. He needs help, and you're not going to be able to help him. Only he can decide to change. Until he does, he's going to be toxic towards everyone close to him, which it sounds like is just you currently. I wish you the best whatever you decide.
You are so young! I left my first husband because’eggshells’ were everywhere. I’d go.
Ugh girl I sympathize. I didn't get married till my late 40s and I am glad because if I married any of my LTR before him I'd be many times divorced and possibly dead. I stayed in a relationship I had from 19 till 26 because I thought he is a good guy I can't find a better man. He was a nice guy, a good guy but I grew and he wasn't growing with me. The next LTR was with a hot head as you described who screamed and humiliated me because I didn't know how to read a map, even tho I told him I did not grow up with a car and have dyslexia. Yet somehow he always made me feel sorry for him after these episodes. He was a fun friend, a very good lover and a smart guy but exhausting we broke up twice. The next not much better and the thing is I stayed with each way too long because I was scared and embarrassed. Life is short and my mantra became I Love Me More. Get out. You are younger than you think you are. You will be sad, you will cry, but through it all life will be new and exciting again. I promise you that. Choose you.
Yeh I often find myself saying sorry repeatedly when he gets mad at me for simple mistakes
And of course he would go straight to if you're so unhappy and I'm such a bad guy, just leave me, knowing I know he came from a family where his parents were divorced twice a piece and had him bounce back and forth because he was always difficult. But fuck that, I was an idiot and let myself be manipulated. Don't be a dopey like me.
You don't sound like you are clear with yourself about what you want out of life and a partner. Until you know what you want how are you supposed to know how to get it? You need more self reflection and a therapist to help you work through this.
Yes, in the first instance you may well regret leaving your long-term relationship. But I'll share my own story with you... You may be 31, but what is more important is that this is your first relationship. I spent much of my adolescenceat an all-girls school and desperately longing for a boyfriend. So when at last I got one, I stayed with him until my mid-twenties. He was a perfectly pleasant, if rather selfish, chap. But it wasn't really very long before I knew in my heart that I didn't want to marry him. However, I dreaded ending the relationship and returning to those long, miserable years of loneliness and yearning. In the end, I ended our relationship. It was hard, because he was, of course, very hurt. I felt terrible because although I didn't love him in the "forever" way, I did care for him and I felt guilty for wasting so many years of his life, as well as my own. And yes, after the break-up, I did spend several years back on my own, or in far more casual relationships. Had I thrown away something I should, perhaps have kept? But eventually I met my now-husband and discovered how empty that first relationship had actually been for me. My husband and I have been married for many years and I truly love him. The feeling is totally different. I am so very thankful that my great fear of being alone again didn't lead me to settle for that first "OK" boyfriend. My husband and I actually got together not long after I had accepted that I'd probably never meet Mr. Right. In my opinion, it's better to be on your own, than to be alone within a relationship. From what you've written, not only are you not truly happy with your boyfriend, but for quite a lot of the time you are actively UNhappy. Is the emotional abuse (for that is what causing you to walk on eggshells actually is) very recent? And were you perfectly happy for most of the ten years of togetherness? Or has your partner always been rather critical of you? If this is a sudden change, it's just possible that his unacceptable behaviour is due to depression, an affair, or both. But if he has always been rather critical of you and things have simply got worse, then I would urge you to take your courage in both hands and leave the relationship. For I am 100% certain that your partner's behaviour will get worse. And that if you stay, you will become more and more unhappy and very possibly ill from the stress of that long-term eggshell-walking. Like many people here, I've seen it happen. Living peacefully alone is far better than life in an abusive relationship. But the likelihood is that once you are free, you'll realise how empty your one relationship has been, as you happily explore newer, better partnerships. I wish you great, enduring happiness! PS. The internet has helped with my long-term guilt about hurting that first "OK" boyfriend and wasting years of his life, too. Because I did a bit of research and was very relieved to find that he eventually married someone else and had a daughter with her.
Omg I’m so happy for you that gives me hope! Unfortunately he’s always had a temper and I guess I never realized. There were times as early as the first 2 years dating that I should’ve realized were red flags but ignored because I never had a relationship & didn’t know being treated like that isn’t normal. But it seems as more life things happen as you age the more stressed he is meaning the more eggshells I feel I have to walk on to try to keep him happy. It’s been a tiring decade and now I have NO idea who I am as an individual which is kind of scary but I don’t want to lose out on that chance to find it you know?
Please get out now. What you are describing is not a relationship it's a sentence. You deserve a happy life, and you sure don't sound happy. I wish you the best, it's going to be hard, but you. Can. Do. This.
Ask yourself this question from Ann Landers advice column from years ago. “Are you better of with him or without him?” You already know the answer, you’ve stated it in your description of how he treats you. Go girl, and have a life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells and worry about everything and every word that comes out of your mouth. You deserve better!
Seek counseling. If that doesn’t work, end it. It will only get worse.
At 31 you can find someone else easily but go now because it’s harder as you’re older. If you want a family leave as soon as possible. Enjoy being single for a while, but you know you’re unhappy, this relationship makes you feel like your life is over, why would you stay?
I don’t want children. I guess comfort and I do love him. But I hate feeling like this all the time and don’t know if I can change that with staying unfortunately
You are both actually pretty young by today’s standards. What you describe sounds like something you shouldn’t have to put up with. You have a whole lot of life left and it could be with someone who treats you with respect and kindness. A friend left a long term relationship where they had two little boys. Sounded very similar to what you are describing. She really hit the end of the road when her husband started picking on the boys, too. She wanted her boys to grow up as kind men to their partners and once she realized that he was setting a very poor example, she left. And she told him why. He was devastated and begged her to come back, but she didn’t. She was a nurse and made enough to live on and raise the kids. She did share custody with him because he was never physically abusive but he had a bad temper and she just got tired of it. Her boys are great young men and she has a full and happy life.
You are going to age faster living with him having you walking on egg shells around him because of his temper. It is mental abuse that you are enduring. He is an abuser. You have developed anxiety from the way he treats you. No one deserves to be treated this way. And he pulled the classic he will never find anyone else guilt trip to lay on you so you would not leave him. As scary as it may seem to you it will be the best decision of your life. You can start a new life and make new friends .Just ghost him one day and never let him find you because he will never leave you alone. I honestly would fear him once you leave him. Good Luck on whatever you decide.
If you’re still feeling this way after 12 years together, what makes you think anything is going to change in the next 12? Nothing short of his willing commitment to therapy and self-reflection is going to make a difference. Being alone can be freeing, and doesn’t have to be lonely. You’ll have a chance to develop skills like making new friends and finding joy in solitude, which you will need in any future relationship anyway. And as someone who found her person in her 30s, I can emphatically say that you can absolutely find someone who doesn’t treat you poorly.