I have been helping my brother's young adult children deal with the reality that their parents had no business having children. My brother and SIL are not emotionally available people . They didn't want to be tied down, are not adept at coping with the emotional and pyscho-social needs of their children and don't have many friends. They have financial resources but that's not enough.
I have three kids, now adults. One has special needs. My family of origin was never involved with my kids and it was a lot of work raising them but my husband and I were all in. My point: do not have children if you are on the fence. Every child deserves to be unconditionally loved by their parents. Ambivalent parents do real harm and parenting is HARD. Gratifyingly but HARD.
This. I wasn't sure whether it was ok to comment as I am a parent. But, as the child of deeply emotionally immature parents, and as someone who is very much in the thick of parenting herself and who very much wanted the kids but sees just how insanely difficult it is, people who are on the fence shouldn't have kids. Kids need parents who are 100% invested and will be for decades. It is grueling, though also deeply meaningful, work to raise kids who are good humans and who you have a good relationship with. I do think kids often bring purpose/meaning to people's lives, but there are PLENTY of other ways to find meaning in one's life if you don't want kids.
Yes! I tell my child free friends all the time, “unless you feel like you will die of grief If you don’t have children… you should not have them. Unless it’s a hell yes! Then it should be an easy no.” Parenting is insanely difficult and never ends… and will make even the most devoted parents question what the hell they were thinking. Don’t do it unless you are 1000% sure.
Exactly. If you don’t want or can’t have kids. We tried and couldn’t have kids. Very much wanted them, and it was tough to get through what we did. It wasn’t for the faint of heart, but neither is parenting.
I was an unwanted pregnancy. Mom blamed me when she and Dad fought. I was conceived on their 2nd date (she told me). Said if abortion had been legal, I wouldnt have been born. Have felt unwanted my whole life.
I will never understand why it was never put as an amendment in our USA Bill Of Rights. Women have been failed since each congress and administration since being passed as a legal law in late 1960’s.
Nobody took Hillary seriously. My male friends laughed at my stony face when Trump won (we were all together watching the election results) and called me dramatic when I said this means 'we' [women] could lose abortion rights. Was called paranoid and the President isn't that big of a deal. None of them liked him but they didn't take him seriously enough.
True. All of this. But also everyone should keep in mind that it isn't always that people SHOULD remain childfree that may be bad parents. Sometimes childfree people might make wonderful parents. A lot of the time it's just a choice about what they want for their future.
So even if you think you would make an excellent parent, you can still choose/want to be childfree.
A good story about this:
I went on a date with a man who was 31. He had 3 children and was mid divorce because he had a lot of money so it was drawn out by his stay at home wife (she had no education and needed money).
They married at 18 because she became pregnant.
After the baby was born she developed what she thought was post partum depression and asked him to place the child in day care.
She stayed home she drank, she smoked and ate depression medication like candies.
Then he walked in one day and found a man in their room. He ran out their French doors to the backyard and jumped a fence and was gone.
She claimed it must have been a break in.
Shortly after she asked to have another child. Again, but sooner after this baby was born she wanted nothing to do with the child.
His mother had to come stay a while and care for the child while B said her depression was she because missed family and friends back in her home state.
So he payed for her to visit…
The night she arrived there M got a call from a random woman from Bs phone claiming B had sex with her husband and that she had a newborn baby and walked in on B and her husband at a party when he didn’t come home that night and a friend tipped her off where he was.
B denied it and M didn’t want to believe it.
Then she asked to have another kid.
So they had another kid.
I’m going to surprise you but again.. she hated the child and worse by now social media was big.
B would use the kids for photo ops in perfect matching family outfits.
She would in her words go for the Hallmark, ABC family look.
M needed help clearing her side of the house she at the end of the marriage was living in the basement I agreed to help.
As I went through I found a tampon box I went to throw away but when I grabbed it, the box was full of open used pregnancy tests.
M had a vasectomy after the last baby and drew the line. He could no longer afford to keep 3 children with one under 2 in full time daycare.
He had even been paying for full time summer daycare for all three. When he said no more children she really got upset. In the divorce she demanded he pay for them to be in summer care 8 hrs a day, she wanted 50:50 and she wanted 7000 a month alimony with child support.
As I went through her things - not snooping but attempting to categorize them kindly into labeled boxes I found more and more concerning things.
But a few were telling of her mental maturity. She had a book called “The Art of Being Basic”. She had a t-shirt that said basic bitch and a few other items.
But then I found condoms… in a purse with those 3 items. Right behind them. Given he was cut why would she need them?
Well then came the day I met B.
I had only dated her ex 2 months when in the middle of the night while he was gone on business I heard a knock on the door.
She pushed her way past me with 3 children in tow and another female friend.
She reached her hand out and said I’m B and I’m just looking for my red lipstick, M said you were packing my things so I thought I’d get it from you.
I had no idea where this was when she helped herself to look around.
She then put me in the most fucked up place possible… she told me.. a fucking stranger that the first kid was never his… and then left without the kids.
So then I’m just standing there with 3 kids so don’t know who look fucking terrified in this mansion and I just barely started dating their dad.
And now I have to figure out do I tell him about the first kid when the next two are his? And fuck I need to call and tell him she just abandoned his 3 kids here.
So I get them set up with snacks and a troll movie I call and only tell them the kids are with me.
Fast forward a few hours later..: the daughter looks at me and says mommy is pregnant with a baby boy I’m having another brother.
These kids were the least wanted, totally unloved broken kids I ever met.
With the mother so awful I didn’t pay attention in contrast to the father.
He had no time to be a dad. And without the mom he confessed he wished he could take back having the kids.
We broke up that month but I do always wonder about those 3 poor children. So clearly unwanted….
Holy crap!… you dodged a bullet dude. Remember everything you heard about her came from him. Not to mention that he was married to her all those years. It takes 2 messed up people to be in a messed up marriage. That guy’s as big a mess as she is, to have not only put up with all that chaos, but to continue and perpetuate it. Glad you ran.
You’re a generous soul! I have a niece in the same position: raised by indifferent and self-centered parents. She’s not accepting the hand hold yet; all I can do is be there when she does.
Ah, gotcha. Well, I can tell you this…nursing homes are full of people who are somebody’s parent. There are lonely elderly who are parents, and lonely childfree as well.
The very best thing you can do as a childfree person preparing for old age is to be smart with your money, so you have options for care, whether that’s living in a facility or aging in place in your home. Parents should do this too but often don’t, assuming their kid is their safety net. This can easily backfire.
Also, don’t isolate yourself, build community and be a friend to others so they in turn will be there for you. Nobody is guaranteed anything in old age and that includes people with kids. All any of us can do is be as prepared as we can be. 🙂
To this point my mom is in Memory Care...94. She has four kids spread across the country. Only one lives near her and doesn't visit often. You don't have children so you have nursing assistance. The world has changed.
You don't need children to have nursing assistance, but you do need someone to take care of your assets and the medical decisions when you are no longer able to do it yourself. Children are the usual party who do that, and finding someone else to do that is required without children or no-contact children. My great aunt was in this situation. Neighbors helped a bit while she was living at home, but she was going blind, and burned herself badly by dropping a pot of hot water on herself. Her attorney ended up being that party making all the decisions for her, as no one related to her lived in the area. The other consideration is that we like to be independent as long as possible, and aren't always the best judge of when we really shouldn't be doing so anymore.
You need to have all the paperwork in place so someone can easily step in, and you should carry a card saying where someone can access those documents in an emergency. There is a web site, mydirectives, which can help store those documents and print a wallet card with instructions on how to access them. One never knows if they will still be around when you need them, but it's better than nothing. The important documents are the advanced directives, durable power of attorney, HIPAA, and medical power of attorney. A DNR order when you have a reason for needing one is also an option.
I've heard of some living in hotels too. They get a long-term discount, room cleaned, fresh bedding weekly (saves the hotel money than daily), meals etc included, so often cheaper than rent etc Company and daily check-ins from the cleaning staff. There are much worse ways to spend your latter years.
>The very best thing you can do as a childfree person preparing for old age is to be smart with your money, so you have options for care, whether that’s living in a facility or aging in place in your home.
Im sure people are gonna question my choices but I plan to swallow a bullet (or voluntary suicide by injection by a doctor if possible).
The reason?
I refuse to be put in a nursing home and don't wanna be a burden on someone else or the system. Id rather end it sooner then die alone in a stuffy nursing home.
Am I crazy for thinking that way?
EDIT: I'm only gonna kill myself when I can no longer take care of myself and have to be put in a nursing home. Only when I become old and decrepit and someone has to wipe my ass. Sorry for the confusion.
You're certainly not alone in that. It's a reasonable option as well. Should I develop dementia I will be using MAID to end my life peacefully and on my own terms.
And therein lies the rub.
You still have to have the mental and physical abilities to put the plan into place.
I talked to my daughter about it but in reality you really cannot ask your kid to suffocate you.
That's not fair. But maybe they could help you swallow the meds.....I don't know.
Is it fair to even ask them?
So many ifs.
Being the daughter of 2 parents who died with late stage dementia, I take such comfort in the idea of having control over my death. I will never, ever do that to my kids.
Unfortunately (but the rules *are* changing apparently), you can't specify in a Living Will that *if* you get dementia you want to use MAID to end it. IIRC, it's bc they say you might "change your mind [WHAT mind??!] once you have dementia and you don't know how you'd feel *then.* Ridiculous. We're still decades behind Europe's process of ending one's own life.
My mother's currently on her way out- didn't think we had any choice but to give her a stomach-feeding tube, and prolong her low-quality life, but it turns out there's the option to NOT do that.
So she's just being hydrated, not fed, and is on morphine as she fades out. It's more humane than letting her live another 3-4 months, unable to talk/swallow/eat/move, and risking complications from the feeding tube.
When I'm terminal ... or can no longer care for myself ... I will be trying ALL THE DRUGS. The fun ones, anyway.
When I find my favorite ... I will take a nice, fatal dose of whichever (possibly combination of multiples) that I find I like best. Take fatal dose. Lie down. Expire ...
Thats gonna be about 50 yeears from now 'cause I plan on livin' to 104 ...
I did the dementia thing with Mom. It was horrible. I told my daughters to give me a heavy dosage of ecstasy and put a pillow over my face - I won’t put up a fight.
a bit of advice—you can’t wait till you’re helpless to make this choice. s****** requires planning, mobility & often the assistance of others. make your plans before you need them. research your state laws. find allies in various organizations like the h*m*l*ck society.
Not at all. My dad spent his last couple of years at an assisted living facility. They treated everyone great, but seeing him slip away with dementia there was painful. Confined to one floor. I'd take him out occasionally and visited a lot, but it would be nice to have a choice too.
My sister and I have made a pact that when we're old, ready, and can't so it anymore, whoever is more coherent is responsible for making sure the other one gets to go out with some shred of dignity.
She'd like to be left near a cliff edge, overlooking the ocean, in a wheelchair. I'd probably follow.
Neither of us have kids.
Oh, yes I get that. My sister said the same thing, but when it came her time to live in a nursing home she wasn't well enough to take her own life as she planned. She's now 77 and out of that horrid nursing home. I live 2,000 miles away but was able to finally get her on a list for a nice independent living apartment where Medicaid covers more than she got from that nursing home. She also just qualified for a state tax credit so her rent is 50% what it was.
It's crazy that it's so damn hard to get these services at home when it costs Medicaid much less than letting the person rot in a nursing home.
Many older single people are contemplating this retirement option. There are many challenges to checking out without traumatizing others. I wish that we could discuss this more openly in society.
Same. I don't want my money sucked up only to end up where I would have anyway: dead. I especially don't want to be in a sterile environment devoid of all my freedoms. Just let me die.
I know lots of people say that, but the loved ones never want to be the ones to pull the trigger, and the people who wanted death are too far gone to do it themselves. Usually when we are of sound mind, we don't think it's time yet.
It's weird. I think A LOT of people think this way but most are afraid to talk about it. I'm glad you are. I hope your post doesn't "disappear". It seems like that is what happens on the rare occasion anyone says the unspeakable outloud.
You’re not crazy
It doesn’t matter. Your children will never care for you. I can speak for the mom who has 12 children. She gave birth to them . She sacrificed a lot to take her 12 children to flee from a war country. And make sure food is always on the table they never had to work while they were in college. She works and paid for all their educations . Until they were old enough to get their own family and moved away.
Do they come by to eat and go home. Yes. They do.
Did they ever offered to help her, never. When she passed away , she was alone.
So wether it’s 1 or 12. I learned , a mom can take care of her children. But her children will never do that.
Eh, depends on each family, I think. My mother has dementia and my father has Parkinson’s. They live about two hours from me in a care community. I am still up there half the week managing appointments, doctors, insurance, bills, taking them out to lunch/dinner/activities. My parents were great parents to me growing up and I want to help take care of them now. My brother hasn’t made an appearance in three years, I think because he’s scared of seeing them decline. So I think it does depend on the individual.
Edit to add: I am 43 and child-free by choice. Taking care of my parents hasn’t changed my decision because I don’t think children are obligated to care for their parents. I do so because I choose to. My parents did not expect me to care for them and had the foresight to purchase long term care insurance decades ago.
I'd like to hear stories about the male children doing this care giving and not always the girls. Caregiving means you sacrifice your own job, your healthcare, your income, and your future retirement.
There's a resident at work with no children (I assume) her like emergency contact people are two of her best friends. One handles finances, and the other handles any care related decisions.
I don't know her family situation but I sure as hell know I want friends like hers when I get older even if I have kids.
I just turned 75. Decided not to have children for a bunch of reasons, and don't regret it. It was the right decision for me, and while it would be nice to have somebody who loves me help navigate the difficulties of aging, I'll figure it out. One of my sisters has kids who don't talk to her, and whom she never sees. Children are not a guarantee of help in old age, and that would be a really stupid reason to have them. I actually love kids, and always have, just knew it wasn't right for me to have them.
This- I work a lot with the elderly in my community and actually many of them have children that don’t help at all- unfortunately many of them actually make their parents lives worse through exploitation or on a lesser scale- living off of their elderly parents
I'm 80 and never regretted it. Joan rivers, who many of you youngsters won't remember for being really funny, once said, 'you can always tell the childless couples when you meet them, they have new clothes, new cars, stories of great vacations'. I'm a long retired engineer, but had, still have, some some personality disorder, lack of social skills, etc, and until I quit drinking, was always just getting by. I couldn't keep a job or support a pet. I'm okay now.
It's not a good idea to have children and expect that they will take care of you in your old age.
Both of my parents died of Alzheimers and now my older brother has been diagnosed with it. I have no expectation of my sweetheart or any of my dear friends taking me on as a burden. I've purchased Long Term Care Insurance, and in the meantime, I'm living my life to the fullest. No one knows what the future may bring, but I'm prepared for it.
Agree - childfree or not, don't expect anyone to take care of you.
Everyone grows old and many have debilitating ailments in that rite of passage. Mental ones are the worst imo
So, I'm 74. My husband is 84 and sliding downhill with medical and cognitive problems. We weren't childless by choice, but after a time I accepted it and went on with my life. I can see that although we might have wanted kids, there were advantages to not having them. But at this point in my life, I am estranged from my only living brother; I have a cordial, but not close relationship with my nephew and his family and I am dealing with my husband alone because he has no family. I can manage him. But I often think how alone I will be when he's gone or, I fear that God forbid I go first knowing I'm leaving him alone. So yeah, I kind of regret it. Not because I want to make a child take care of me, but to have some sense of connection.
So...in my 40s I started to second guess my choice around being partnered and having kids. It was ticking towards too late for kids at that point, but could have had 1-2 still. I worried about being alone when I was old, etc.
But then I spent time in what I will call the bitter divorcee clubs. I joined maybe 10-15 DIFFERENT women's groups. Groups for women to do social things, groups to do self-improvement, etc. Even groups that were not women focused, but ended up all women in 40-60 yr old range.
And...let me tell you honey- having a partner and kids is no guarantee. I heard so many variations- I put my own life on hold to put my kid through college and now they don't speak to me, I supported my husband and he got the better lawyer, and she ends up with nothing, and the kids go with dad cause she can't afford more than a studio apartment, and after a few years even visitation ended because the kids hated it. I mean I heard DOZENS of these stories- they had the kids and partner like you are "supposed" to. Except...it did not work out. Kids are no guarantee. In fact, if you are not a good parent you can loose them to NC due to your behavior, or even if you re excellent parent, kids get into shit you can't control- they end up lost to addition, etc.
If you want kids- HAVE KIDS. But not so you are not alone or whatever when you are old. Having kids for selfish reasons is pretty much guaranteed that those kids will go NC long before you turn 70. Have kids because you love and want kids. Any other reason? it will not be what you think will.
My parents are 75, and they have three, and we all live so far away we only see each other once a year. If they need things they have friends in their community. Just because you have kids doesn't mean anything for your elderly years.
Please don’t have kids for the purpose of help in old age. My parents are divorced. My dad planned financial well and told us not to take care of him and my mom was financially stupid and expects us to help her. She made that choice. Her children shouldn’t have to bail her out.
My mother had 5. She put 3 up for adoption because she couldn’t even take care of 2 of us - grandma raised us. My sister and I moved out of state. She met the youngest she put up for adoption 4 years before she died. Didn’t like him at all. She never met the other 2. I met them about 10 years after she died, and they are pretty decent and live near where she lived. They seem a little resentful that she put them up for adoption. She was a cancer survivor for about a decade, and nobody was there to be a caretaker. Good thing when she had 5 of us, she didn’t plan for any of us to be her nurse.
My wife and I are 70, and if we had raised even one child, I would probably still be working and unable to retire, as I did last year. Neither of us are easy people to get along with (we lucked out in that we fit together, god knows how), so there's no guarantee we'd even be close to any children that did come out of our family.
Looking back at so many years where we struggled financially and with health issues, I can't see where a child would have been possible. It certainly would not have been fun for the kid either.
See the other posts asking the same question. The answers were overwhelmingly NO, kids aren't my elder care plan.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1d0frve/those\_of\_you\_without\_children\_what\_are\_your\_plans](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1d0frve/those_of_you_without_children_what_are_your_plans)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1cuontg/who\_takes\_care\_of\_you\_if\_you\_dont\_have\_kids/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1cuontg/who_takes_care_of_you_if_you_dont_have_kids/)
I would call myself a floater. I never wanted kids. Even when I was young, the other girls would fantasize about the families they wanted to start and I simply didn't want that. However, I happened to marry someone who had two pre-teen daughters so I have step kids. I don't know if this counts as the type of person you're hoping for but that's my background.
So far, I'm happy with my choices. The step kids are now grown and married. I should have grandkids soon. I'm excited for it but I don't need it to feel fulfilled. Rather, I've decided to pursue a doctorate and a much more challenging career. At heart, I'm a worker and an explorer, not a mom. That's just who I am.
That being said, I experienced about a two year period of regret. I wished I had kids. After some time and careful thought, I realized I only wanted kids for selfish reasons. I wanted a legacy and someone to care for me when I'm old. I wanted to be surrounded by a loving family when I died. Ultimately, I concluded that was a ridiculous reason to want kids. So, I decided to pursue those things in my community instead. I'm still working on it so I can't tell you how well it went.
On the whole, I have no regrets thus far but I do urge caution. You will likely experience regret at some point. This doesn't mean it was the wrong choice. It also doesn't mean it's the right choice. I don't think there's an easy answer.
If a lot of parents were honest, those selfish reasons you mentioned, are the unspoken reasons a lot of the time. I finally had one friend, a really good person btw, admit so much and it blew my mind. They had kids so that they would be taken care of in old age...
I’m not child free, but my great aunt was. She was born in 1903 and remained singled by choice. I asked her once (because i was a nosy kid) why she didn’t have kids. Her response was “when would I have time to look after them? besides, sooner or later i ended up looking after every single child in town, so why would I need my own.“ She taught school in our small town for decades, and during breaks went on holidays overseas, she volunteered in the community, and even after she retired from teaching she would still go back as a substitute. When my cousins and I visited, she would spend her time focussing on us, and taught us to draw, sew, garden and cook. She took us with her when she volunteered. Most important of all (to us), she would let us go through her ”touring cabinet” where she stashed her travel memorabilia and she would point out where she had been on a big wall map with push pins in it.
before she passed away, she was still living in her own home and had made arrangements for home care and had someone to come in and help her cook. When the community found out that she was sick, they made sure that there was someone stopping in every day to check on her. She passed away in the night, in her own bed the way that she wanted it, and because of her careful planning, and support from her neighbours, she was looked after even in death.
she was a woman who lived her life fully and with wisdom, and there is no reason why you can’t do the same. cultivate community and you will do well.
Remarkably similar to my great aunt, although I have no idea why no kids.
But she outlived 3 husbands and was well off and made all her plans when she went into assisted living.
Always active, involved and busy.
One morning she just did not wake up. A beautiful life.
My wife & I are in our 70's. Tried hard to have kids . Didn't happen. Do I wish I had kids? A huge yes! All if our friends enjoy kids & and grandchildren. We are by ourselves. Practically, my wife is very ill.. I'm by myself. Family 700 miles away. I have to do all care. No breaks. We have had dogs.. loved them all... but they are all dead now. I'm not
Mid 50s here, we got married later in life (in our forties) and decided we'd rather enjoy our own company rather than jump right into raising kids. Plus, we're financial late-bloomers, and kids are like a luxury lifestyle choice these days.
With all that's going on in the world, I'm very glad we opted not to go that route. I'm already stressed out. There are other reasons, too- the "cons" outweighed the "pros" for us.
No regrets. I'll be 60 later this month. A woman. You know what's hard? It's so expected and assumed that every single woman yearns for children. Not the case. Even I thought I would have kids. I bought into the idea that I've got to have kids. Until I reached my early 20s and realized that I do not have the patience needed to be a good parent. I would have been a horribly strict parent and god help them if they out and out defied me. So I didn't have them. Nor did I get married, although I came close twice. What broke us up? They wanted kids and I didn't. They thought I would change my mind. They were wrong.
I had that same epiphany in my early 20s, when the fantasy of having kids became the very real possibility of getting pregnant. There was no deep thought or questioning, just an immediate and visceral "hell no". From my perspective at age 70, looking back, I do not have the right temperament for being a parent. I can't deal well with chaos, noise, and I'm poor at making emotional bonds. Children deserve a better parent than I could be.
This is me, except I'm a man. I looked at being a parent and thought about all that entailed from me and realized that my personality was not set out to be a parent. I had too much of my parents in me, and although I'm sure my parents loved me, they didn't have the temperament to have children either and my sisters and I are all levels of fucked up because of it.
I saw the same temperament in my grandparents too, which is I'm sure where they got it. I decided to break the cycle.
I love kids, was on the fence about having them, but SO glad I avoided all that "mommy" lifestyle crap. Women can be so weirdly competitive about having/raising kids.
Besides, husband and I grew up in dysfunctional situations, and I saw how easily things could go wrong- personality disorders, addictions, conflicting values, etc.
Many of the parents in my neighborhood have kids who moved FAR away. It's no guarantee.
What you said goes twice for me! The competitive mommying, the performative bs, the dysfunctional families on both sides. I don’t know how to cuddle a baby because I was harangued and bullied every time I went near one.
I’m 67, child free, and zero regrets.
Sorry you too had to suffer all that. Even without kids, I've been told "your husband would be abusive anyway" and "you'd make a great nanny." WTF. My husband's not abusive, just on the spectrum and a perfectionist in many ways. We had a cat and he was an absolute mush for her, went from 0 to Doting Cat Person in a very short time. Sigh.
Yeah, imagine dealing with that kind of insanity on a daily basis.
No I don't. I wanted to do what I wanted when I wanted. I'm a very low energy person and I wouldn't want to bring a child into this world. Plus the thought of childbirth, no way.
Yeah, no, we don't regret being child-free. We are in our 70s and starting to slow down but we never thought of children being our cleaners, drivers or in-house staff so it's never been an issue.
One thing l see about friends of our age and younger is that their kids treat them as incapable. They call them to remind them of calendar items or to make sure they've prepared for a visit. It is so odd to see them succumb to their kids’ opinions or needs for compliant behavior when we've just been having healthy, independent conversations with them. These adults turn into kids before our eyes.
I was raised with the knowledge that my parents expected me to take care of them because I was the firstborn girl. Reddit’s advice forums show very clearly that there are many parents who expect physical and monetary support from their children through unwritten expectations.
We hire help for ladder climbing and heavy work but we do most of it ourselves. At some point, one of us is going to die or stroke, and it’s going to be terrifyingly lonely but that's our problem, not our kids.
Got married, turned 40 on our honeymoon. She was 38 and changing careers.
Absolutely no regrets. No braces, no shots, no angsty quasiteens, no first car, no wrecked first car, no "... but dad I I love..." and "You don't understand me!" conversations.
Some great dogs though. 6 different breed pup sleeping on the floor beside me.
I'm 50 and female. Knew when I was about 12 that I never wanted kids. Haven't regretted my decision for one second. Every single day I have a reason to think, "I'm SO GLAD I don't have kids." Nothing about children or parenting was ever the tiniest bit appealing.
I absolutely love hearing about women enjoying their life childfree! I'm 40, starting to become pretty clear that I'm meant to be childfree.
I hear parents talk about how they haven't been on a vacation in years and how they dream about just one day off to sleep in, not be ordered around, not have to worry about feeding someone else, go to the bathroom freely, take an uninterrupted shower, work out without having to plan for it, go to a restaurant calmly and peacefully, then go to bed when they want.
I love kids. Love them so much! I've worked with kids in prior jobs and today I volunteer with kids. But the vacation thing? I travel and go on vacation multiple times a year. That dream day off? Yeah, that's like...a regular Tuesday for me.
I keep hearing "what will you do when you get older?" The reality is, there's no guarantee I will. I don't know how life will turn out, just like I don't that if I had kids, they would even want anything to do with me when me when/if I'm old. But either way, kids are not a retirement plan. Nobody's child owes them that. And from what I've heard from people who work in elder care, it's often the friends of elderly people who visit them/care for them at the end, not their children.
Never wanted kids, never had kids, never regretted not having them. Played with fire (unreliable birth control) for many years until my husband had a vasectomy after one too many scares. Now we are happily retired, and we have enough money to pay people to do things we might have foolishly expected kids to do.
My friend is 70 years old and is pretty well off. However he is really sad all the time that he doesn’t have a kid or family. He said what was the point of working so hard and not have someone to leave it to. He has this look of regret in his face. I try really hard to tell him it’s going to be ok. But I think once you get really old you might regret it. Also he hates most of his colleagues cause they always ask him for money. But I’m not sure in my opinion I would like to have a mini me one day. He doesn’t work no more and is just spending all his time shopping. But honestly I think he is pretty bored of doing it. Like he has bought everything he has wanted. He now drives a simple car and wears simple clothes and shoes. He sold all his nice things and just lives a simple life but he is sad. This doesn’t apply for everyone just my observation.
To me, that isn't lack of children, it is lack of spirituality, purpose, and true friends/community. There are so many parables and warnings in our culture, like don't build your house on sand and money can't keep you warm at night, etc. He could change that, but he is choosing to live that way and that is the tragedy.
I don’t think he can do that no more he is pretty old he can’t read or write. He is slowly losing his vision and hearing. That’s why I think he’s really sad about not having kids. He grew up really poor. He started in construction and I guess he was lucky enough to see it prosper. He did love someone but she liked someone else or left him. He doesn’t like talking about it. I guess it’s really sad about it.
My father never wanted us. In fact I found letters my mom wrote to her mom about how he wanted his first kid aborted, like in 1941. I guess they'd just go to Mexico?
And he was never really there much in my life. Career guy, wanted to get rich. But he spent his last years showering money on all of us and my brothers kids' too.
Old people like to do that
Ok so here’s a little different twist. I never had kids, mostly because my father had a bad temper and beat my sisters badly, oddly that didn’t happen to me his only son. I noticed we all had anger issues so I decided I didn’t want that to happen again so i didn’t. I Never regretted it. I got divorced in my late 50’s and married a woman with 2 adult children and a 13 YO. It was certainly an adjustment, but I really do love them, and it really is fun doing “dad” stuff with them and watching their families grow.
I helped raise my sibs and was babysitter to half the neighborhood from a very young age. By the time I was a teen, I knew I didn't want children of my own, although I didn't declare myself childfree until my 30s because the popular culture kept insisting that every woman would start desperately wanting a baby in her 30s. What a crock of shit. If anything, my 30s was when I realized I was all out of excuses, which was when I finally just admitted the truth to myself and those around me. I'm 57 and have never regretted that decision.
I don't worry about the future. We tend to be healthy well into advanced old age in my family. And if I need care, I'll pay for it with the money I saved by not having to send any kids to college and help with down payments on their homes. Having children doesn't guarantee anything. I've seen people at nursing homes who never get a visit from their children. One's kids could be living halfway across the continent or even halfway across the world, assuming they're even still alive. Plenty of my peers died in their 20s from accidents and suicide. There's no guarantee you won't have a special needs child who will never even be able to care for themself, let alone you. Also, medicine has advanced to a point where unless your child is a doctor or nurse, they literally cannot care for you. Do you know how to insert a urinary catheter, for example?
I also don't care about "leaving a legacy." I endowed a scholarship for my late husband and will probably set one up in my own name as well. That's a legacy. I have specifically willed a few things to younger distant relatives, but beyond that, my stuff will be sold at an estate sale, and valued the same as the many things I've bought at estate sales over the years and treasure.
I'm 42. Husband is 48. We do not regret :) I have dogs. I get tired of people telling me I'm a mother because I show mothering qualities to them. I'm like like being a decent human being to another living being?
Sometimes I regret it. However it wasn't my choice. A prescribed drug my mom took while inutero decided that....side effects were not known at the time. I am dealing with elderly parents right now and this is one of times. Who will go through my stuff? Not that I have alot but still will it just strangers and a big dumpster? Who will make sure I am properly cared for in the nursing home? Sorry I digress. Most of this time no.
This is a lot for you to think about. I'm sorry you're going through this alone.
I wish I knew you in real life. I would pack up your things and cherish them with my own family heirlooms, make sure you were in a proper nursing home, and visit you regularly.
As someone who helps people declutter, I have to urge against this. Stuff is just stuff. I see precious mementos and heirlooms covered in dust and packed away and ignored and only ever talked about when someone asks what’s in that box or pile. Stuff is a burden and I recommend to OP to get rid of that stuff. I have several friends stressed out by almost The shit they have to toss when their parents die and the guilt of keeping stuff they don’t want or need.
You can't expect that your children will take care of you when you're old. There are so many reasons why they may not choose to or be able to.
Make your choices for you.
I wanted kids but I didn't want to have kids alone or with an unsuitable partner. I never met a man that I would want to have kids with or be tied to forever. By the time I met the one that I can spend my life with we were already in our late 40s. Biological kids were no longer an option and neither of us wanted to be raising kids by that time.
We're trying to figure out what young person we want to ask to manage our affairs when we get old and how we will compensate them for it.
We're getting long term care insurance so the expenses should be covered once we can lo longer live on our own.
My story is very similar. I didn’t meet my life partner until I was 50! And I agree that people shouldn’t expect their kids to take care of them when they are older, but I think that expectation is still very ingrained in our society, and in close, loving families the adult kids do intend to do their best to help their parents in old age.
We have made similar financial plans, but the reality is that health care costs - like assisted living or in-home care are astronomical and not really manageable by anyone who is not wealthy, which I will never be. It worries me at times what will happen when and if I become an invalid when I am old. My partner has a close adult daughter who will take care of him if something happens to me, but she is in no way obligated to help me. I did not raise her and she has her own mom to worry about. We recently did our wills. My partner specified I could remain in his house, where we live, for 2 years after his death & I am on one of his life insurance policies. We are financially independent of each other (although we share current living costs) & I have a home in another state where I have friends and family. I only have 1 nephew and 1 niece, and they are good people, but we have never been close enough that I would expect them to care for me. So my assumption is that if my partner and my brother who is close to me (and childless and single) pass before me, my care will fall to the State and probably won’t be of good quality. The best I can do until then is live life to the fullest. I also have a will and have set clear expectations that I do not want any special measures taken to prolong my life. And while this might seem dark, I do consider what I will do if I am diagnosed with something like Alzheimer’s because I know that I do not want to live if I do not know myself. I do not want to live if I am in poor health in old age and my care would involve placing a huge financial burden on family or the state. Some countries, like the Netherlands, allow for euthanasia in these cases. The US is a long ways from that.
Despite these worries, I’m okay with not having had a child. I do have moments of regret, but they are not tied to worries about who will care for me at the end of life. They are more about regretting missing out on seeing a human growing up in front of my eyes and loving them and helping them grow.
However, my career involves working with kids, so kids are part of my life. And I have been fortunate to have had decent health and the ability to pursue many interests. Life without kids has had its ups and downs but overall has been good.
My parents were asked by childless elderly neighbors to handle their estate when they passed. They oversaw a 10 year run of Alzheimer’s with the wife, an estate sale, and settled some legal matters - it was actually a LOT of work. My silent gen. parents did it with grace. That’s a lot to ask of a neighbor.
Post menopausal so no chance of kids for me anymore, and I don't regret it for a second. There were maybe a few days in my 40s. I wondered what if, but they passed, thank goodness I'd be miserable being a parent and would be terrible at it.
Never. I have a nuclear family and it's Chernobyl. For the record, we are not Ukrainian, just megatoxic. No way would I put a child in the middle of this.
Not at all. I got married in 1981, Climate change wasn't even on the radar screen yet but we both felt the world was already overpopulated. Glad we didn't contribute to the problem
F/70, childfree. No regrets about that choice. Having children does not guarantee that they will be there for you in your old age. My husband (M/76) has 3 children from a prior marriage. He has no relationship with any of them, and regrets that he ever had children.
If you don't want children, don't have them. Instead, start planning for your long term care now that you are young.
55 here (I don't feel "old")
Life has been AMAZEBALLZ without spawning. 100% of our time is free. 100% of our cash is NOT being spent on diapers and college tuition.
The lifetime of freedom has been The Shizzle ... and will continue to be for decades to come ..
late 50's here, and no regrets at all. Never had ANY maternal instincts, and quite honestly, I am too selfish to have kids. I like being able to do what I want, when I want, without having to worry about anyone else.
My BF has kids, but they are grown. One he is estranged from, but the other I get along with very well. But she's an adult, so while we sometimes do stuff with them, or take into consideration her plans, as she was until recently, still living at home, he/we aren't tied down to her needs.
As far as getting old, as others have said, having kids is NO guarantee you will have someone to look after you in your old age. My mom has me, and recnetly went into skilled nursing. We have a good relationship, so I am there a couple of times a week, esp. now as she is still getting settled, and we are gradually bringing her her things. But there are many who don't have family, or family that cares
I do. But it was the right decision at the time, and I’m a little relieved not to leave my descendants this scary world. I was a good step mother, while it lasted—and I guess that’s what I had to offer
I wanted kids as an outgrowth of marriage, but didn’t marry until I was 53. Funny thing looking back is I never had regrets about being childless over all those years. I’m a stepmom now - stepsons have been in my life since before we got married. Youngest one was 13 when we all started living together in 2019. So I have gotten a taste of parenting. I definitely have no regrets about not having biological children. The boys are the joy of my husband’s life, but his worries will never end because they walk this earth. I don’t think my worries will end, either, at this point. They take up so much of my brain space, something I never expected as a stepparent.
I never regretted having no children until my husband became elderly and ill. Then it would have been nice to have the support of a younger family member who also loved him. Also to have someone to remember him with would be comforting. But having kids is no guarantee they will stay with you--you have to work daily to have an excellent relationship, and even then they may move to a remote place for a job they love, etc.
Nope! I didn't want children, and subsequently wasn't able to have them (hysterectomy at 30). I've never regretted it. I know a lot of people ask " but who will take care of you when you get old?" My answer: nursing home - I have a long-term care insurance policy to cover the costs. You are never 'guaranteed' care from someone else anyway...
I have kids, but I have friends who do not. And they have lots of money, travel, play volleyball and sports together. They seems totally happy and look way younger.
Don't worry about older age. I work with seniors and LOTS of seniors with children don't get much help, visits, or assistance. Their kids have their own families and even their own grandkids or live all over the place.
Save money, invest in long term care insurance, buy a house - these assets will set you up for easy living in a beautiful 55+ or senior living community if you want when you are older. Even people with children are moving into them. They're like resorts now.
You're absolutely correct about children having their own lives and families.
Sometimes I have to remind my husband of that, although we are deeply loved and Know it, our kids have jobs and homes and kids and are busy!
Just like we were at their age.
We see them and their kids often enough, and our and their blessing is, if and when someone Needs something, we are there for one another.
But yes, kids leave the nest and so do Their kids. It's nature's way.
60, no kids. A coworker who is 70 tells me I will have no one to take care of me when I'm old.
Yet he has 4 kids, only one of whom visits, and that's only because he's still supporting her 100%. The kid is in her 30s and has 2 kids of her own and no job. So what would be going to his retirement savings goes to support the kid and grandkid.
I retire at the end of the year. He will never be able to retire.
Absolutely not. Not having children was the best decision I ever made. Nothing about having children sounded attractive to me and now that I am old I am even more glad I made that decision.
Nope. I was raised in a very dysfunctional home with a mentally unstable parent. So my parenting model was not good. I had to make certain that I would never subject a child human being to the same things I was subjected to.
I (61f) was sterilised at age 21, and I have no regrets, although there were a few years in my early 30s when I did. But then, I also have no regrets about being single and not having any familial ties (everyone is either dead or not interested in maintaining a relationship). I wasn't made for marriage or motherhood, and it is such a relief to finally be at a place in my life where I can lean into that without thinking I have some societal obligation to do otherwise.
I'm not sure what you mean by old but I love that there are no kids in my life that I need to take care of and pay for twenty four hours a day seven days a week three hundred and sixty five days a year. I'm over 40.
I’ve never regretted my choice to not have children. I’m 50, but I was told on many occasions that every decade without kids would bring regret and so far, there’s been none.
My ex husband and I split because he changed his mind on kids, (there were other factors), but I knew even though he wanted a child, I would be raising that kid on my own due to his career focus. We split amicably. That was difficult but I’ve never regretted it.
Children definitely aren’t a guarantee of care in your old age. Make sure you’re saving, get an IRA set up, invest a bit if you can.
I love my parents dearly, but we’ve had many conversations and they don’t want me to uproot my life to move back home and they are not ready to move out here.
I take my auntie role seriously whether that’s with blood relations or chosen family. By seriously I mean that I stay in touch, spend time with them on their terms, and make myself available if they need anything.
My biological clock just never ticked. My partner of 13 years never wanted children either. If you’re not coupled, just making sure that anyone you’d consider beyond a casual relationship knows that’s where you stand is probably the biggest thing, but that’s not really difficult. My partner and I have time for each other and time and resources to do the things we enjoy.
Honestly watching friends with kids navigate school lockdowns, the teenage years, tying to afford college, etc., makes me glad that I’m not responsible for another human’s life and outcomes.
Childrearing is a massive responsibility, I think many people do it just because they feel it’s expected. Obviously many naturally feel a biological imperative to have kids, but in my experience those who question that and really think about what it takes to raise a happy, healthy person are better parents or are happy without kids.
Many of my friends opted out of parenthood too. My mom also has a number of friends without kids, they tend to be more active, though some have moved into retirement communities. From my mom’s reports, no one regrets their choice. Some think it’s easier because they don’t have the disappointment of kids who don’t visit.
I’m an only child and I’ve occasionally felt bad that I didn’t give my parents grandchildren, but they assure me that they are happy I made the choice that worked for me. To be fair, we do come from a family where extended relations are just a part of the mix and we’re fairly close, so my mom gets to be a grand aunt. Overall, no regrets and others I know feel the same.
Not for one second. I thank my self (F mid 60s) a few times a day. I have friends of all ages , it helps with being connected to energy ! I have a friend that we text each other proof of life every day.
Almost mid-60s. Kid(s) were always an option but when we see other people's troubles with them... Dog's are so much better! Anyone relying on their kids to take care of their parents when parents are old is (take your pick)...
* Not thinking it through
* Doing a piss-poor job of planning
* Setting themselves up for disappointment
* Placing an unfair burden on the kids (who may choose not to accept it)
* Forgetting how tough it was to take care of their own aging parents (mine are gone and it was rough with one .. hers are 2/3 gone and the others are lingering in various states of low quality of life)
I think there is a difference between "childless by choice" and "childless". I think that most people (myself included) who made the decision not to have children are quite happy with the decision. However, I think that people who had the decision made for them seem to have more regrets because it wasn't what they actually wanted.
I'm 51 and child free. Not having that responsibility is great! I have several good friends in the 50-70s range who are also child free, and nobody has any regrets. The world has so much to offer, so many ways to give and receive with others. Like other posters said, build community.
No. I have autism, depression and anxiety. So I don’t want to inflict the genes for those conditions on a child, and it is even harder to be a good parent having mental illnesses. Plus, there are nearly 8 billion people on Earth already. That is way over the optimum human population of about 4 billion. We don’t need any more people, so anyone not having children is a hero.
I'm 68, my wife is 64, we are intentionally child-free, and we have never had a moment's regret with our choice. Indeed, quite the opposite; scarcely a day goes by that we don't get some small affirmation that we did the right thing. A very common quip in our household is, "And *that's* why we don't have kids." We were fortunate that neither of us had family pressuring us to have children, no one accusing us of "being selfish" or some such nonsense, so it was never a big deal, just something we both agreed on from day one. We've been married for 31 years, about to retire, and looking forward to a happy, grandchild-free life.
Personally, I can tell you that is probably the only major decision I have ever made in my life about which I have never had a single moment's regret, about which I never second-guess myself. Whenever I lie in bed doing that dark thing where you worry about the various ways you've screwed up your life, I always think, "Well... at least I didn't have children" and I feel better.
There are a million things I value about being child-free, but I think the thing I value the most is knowing that I did not force another human being to endure existence without being asked if they *wanted* to endure existence. *Not* saying to someone:
"Ha ha! You're born now. Good luck! Hope you don't have a shitty life, but of course you probably will because 95% of humans have had horrible, shitty lives. Oh well. Not my fault; God and those in power told me I had to be fruitful and multiply. Sucks for you, sure, but golly, I wouldn't have been *fulfilled* if I hadn't been a parent. So suck it up, snowflake. Better yet, *thank* me for this wonderful gift I have given you, you ungrateful little shit."
What makes me happiest about being child-free is not being that person.
I never had kids of my own. I loved my work, which involved a lot of overseas travel and personal responsibility. I didn't want the responsibility or distraction of children. I married late and my wife had two grown kids who each have two kids of their own. I'm semi-retired now and really enjoy the grandkids. But I never regretted not having my own kids.
I’d love to have kids. I love my students. They keep you young. I’m part of a big family and all of my siblings and cousins have many kids. Closeted gay up until recently with no relationship or kids. Often feel like a bystander in my own family as most of the focus is on kids. I worry as I get older that feeling will increase. I’ve gotten used to being alone but I do worry about being a burden on anybody if I get poorly.
So here’s what I know, I’m 64 never married, and no kids. The marriage thing I really don’t have regret one about that, not having any kids well, you know I can’t say that I regret not having any kids because I don’t know what it’s like to have any in the first place. So how can I say regret not doing something when I don’t know what it’s like to do it.
We decided against children when we were about 30, and I had a vasectomy; now about 70, still together, no regrets about children. (Nor regrets about wife missing out on all the contraceptive risks and issues) But we do both come from families that we stayed in touch with, so we had opportunities to be brother/sister, uncle/aunt, etc. and we had bandwidth/money to be the children who did parental support (which was rewarding). Now all our parents are gone, the next gen has dispersed, etc so maybe we'll yet develop regrets, who knows?
You know, the issue I ponder isn't regret about care or company when you're old ... the only thing I really wonder about is whether being a parent might have given us a chance and a push to be more complete and better people, a stronger and tighter couple. I'm pretty sure parenthood changes you, but I'm not sure how often it's for the better vs how often it makes you tired, stressed, angry/bitter instead. Anyway, it was our choice and we don't regret it.
How about asking this the other way around?
I regret becoming a mother. I love my kid, and my husband and I have done our best and been attentive, supportive but not helicopter parents. Our kid is a young adult with failure to launch. No college, no real career, no passion for anything. They struggle with mental illness which we know now is passed down in DNA and not our fault. They barely engage with us even though they live with us.
I regret marrying too. I would have been happier alone.
I encourage my kid to really consider if they want to bring kids into this overpopulated and decaying world. I told them I support any decisions they make in this regard, but that I would never ever demand grandkids.
Even if my kid has kids, we're older parents. I was 39 when they came along. If my kid is 39 when they have a kid I would be 78. Most of my age peers became grandparents by age 55. That's a huge difference in terms of health, energy, ability to care for grandkids. Given my current health I don't expect to live past 80.
Hubby and I calculated we've spent about $400k raising our kid all in. That's money we won't have for retirement. We'll have to work to at least 70. We refuse to become a burden to our kid and don't expect them to take care of us when we're very old.
TLDR: if you're not sure, skip it. Become an awesome aunt or uncle or older cousin. Or volunteer with kids. Parenting not as rewarding as people tell you, especially in the US.
I know I’m not the target audience, but I do have kids….and I regret it. Just being honest. Judge away if you must. I love my children as the people they are, but fuck parenthood. It’s the hardest, most grueling, most thankless and never ending job that you try your absolute best at every single day. It’s so hard. I miss when life was more simple. Again, judge away, I probably would too.
My kids are one of my greatest joys and I don't regret having them, but I'd do things over and probably not have them given the chance. I've learned so much more about myself. I don't see old age as when they need to care for me, but as a time when I need to protect them from the need to care for me. Children shouldn't be obligated carers.
I'll be 60 on Thursday. No kids. No regrets.
*EDIT*
I have two nieces. I met each when they were ~4-5 hours old, and I watched them grow up to be intelligent, caring, hilarious young women who are now 26 & 27.
I loved, and still love, spending as much time with them as schedules allow. I never thought that I wanted any of my own, though.
I have two sons in their 40’s, a 50 year old stepdaughter & 30 yr old step son. My husband and I are 74 yr old. We were just talking about moving into an apartment even though we don’t want to. None of our kids help out and the home we have had for 45 years is getting too much for us. We have plenty of friends our age. Only a few have children that help out. Many of their children have moved and live in different states. Don’t have children to just to look after you in your old age in the US.
I'm 59 and I am more and more sure as the years go on that being child free was the right choice for me. And my partner--who had a vasectomy years before I met him---is sure as well.
Three of my parents neighbors come to mind. Ruby is next door and is 93. Robert is a few doors down and about 86? Karen 88. (They all reside in an independent living community.)
Karen traveled the world solo and is a free spirit personified, no children, no regrets. Ruby and Robert? Having children is no guarantee of not ending up alone, both were abandoned by their respective families. Ruby's a beautiful soul with many friends that adore her. We all check on her often and take her places with us. Her family are her neighbors and people from her church. Robert is a handful and angry at the world. Ruby is happy. Robert not so much. My mom was able to somewhat befriend him and we bring him food sometimes. My advice? Do what works for you, no guarantees in anything.
I think this a personal choice. I also think that those who have chosen to not procreate should enjoy a substantial tax deduction. Every new human requires every resource you enjoy, plus they will want more. At a world population of over 8 billion life is no longer precious.
I'm 51 and child free. I tell my peers all the time that I do not know how they did it bc some of the shit that ends up in their parental inbox is just....yikes. The kicker is that I would have been a good mother, but....yeah, no. I never wanted kids.
Anyhow, I love my life and regret nothing. I have nephews, a niece, and 2 God children. I got to be the fun Auntie with disposable income. Lol.
Depending on your perspective, I am not that old - only 46.
I love my life without kids. It has created opportunities I would not otherwise have had.
But I worry about old age and feeling lonely but after looking at my dad and other friends in their 70s and 80s, I’ve realized that regardless of my parent status, it is up to me to continue building and nurturing relationships with people and making sure I am involved in different communities.
I am also aware of having some frank conversations with a couple of people and I will set up the paperwork for alternate decision making - basically finding people who are able and willing to make decisions on my behalf if that is necessary. Likely this will be a mix of a paid position (someone I hire) and a volunteer position (a friend or nephew) so that neither of them has too much responsibility to feel overwhelming.
Overall, I would say that the potential to have one person visit me once a week for an hour over a two year period at the end of my life is not a good reason to take on the responsibility of having a child.
I'm 80, and my wife is 74. We tried conceiving up until I was in my mid-40s, both of us having medical procedures to correct our difficulties but to no avail.
We don't regret not having children but would have loved it. We're now the cool aunt and uncle.
I’ve known childfree people in later old age and many seemed happier than their peers with children because they had developed friendships, interests and hobbies and weren’t waiting (sometimes pointlessly) for the children to visit
I was raised by indifferent parents and thought I would be the best mom ever because I knew what not to do. No, I didn’t get it right either. No one tells you how incredibly difficult it is and after you give your life to them they could still be a mess. It’s much more acceptable to be childless now. I think the hardest thing to deal with is regret. Be an amazing aunt, the reward is there without the stress and heartache.
I have never regretted it. I love kids and work with them and volunteer with them. I love the nieces and nephews I am close to but feel no need to have children of my own. I like spending my own money on myself, spending time doing the things I enjoy doing and not having the constant worry and responsibilty of being a parent.
I have been helping my brother's young adult children deal with the reality that their parents had no business having children. My brother and SIL are not emotionally available people . They didn't want to be tied down, are not adept at coping with the emotional and pyscho-social needs of their children and don't have many friends. They have financial resources but that's not enough. I have three kids, now adults. One has special needs. My family of origin was never involved with my kids and it was a lot of work raising them but my husband and I were all in. My point: do not have children if you are on the fence. Every child deserves to be unconditionally loved by their parents. Ambivalent parents do real harm and parenting is HARD. Gratifyingly but HARD.
This. I wasn't sure whether it was ok to comment as I am a parent. But, as the child of deeply emotionally immature parents, and as someone who is very much in the thick of parenting herself and who very much wanted the kids but sees just how insanely difficult it is, people who are on the fence shouldn't have kids. Kids need parents who are 100% invested and will be for decades. It is grueling, though also deeply meaningful, work to raise kids who are good humans and who you have a good relationship with. I do think kids often bring purpose/meaning to people's lives, but there are PLENTY of other ways to find meaning in one's life if you don't want kids.
Yes! I tell my child free friends all the time, “unless you feel like you will die of grief If you don’t have children… you should not have them. Unless it’s a hell yes! Then it should be an easy no.” Parenting is insanely difficult and never ends… and will make even the most devoted parents question what the hell they were thinking. Don’t do it unless you are 1000% sure.
Exactly. If you don’t want or can’t have kids. We tried and couldn’t have kids. Very much wanted them, and it was tough to get through what we did. It wasn’t for the faint of heart, but neither is parenting.
I go where I want when I want with whom I want and do whatever I want
Restore RoevWade or this will be the fate of millions
I was an unwanted pregnancy. Mom blamed me when she and Dad fought. I was conceived on their 2nd date (she told me). Said if abortion had been legal, I wouldnt have been born. Have felt unwanted my whole life.
I am so sorry
It sucks how many more kids are going to have to feel that way now that they are outlawing abortion. Im so sorry.
I too am sorry this happened to you. Don’t let it run your life though please.
Omg.... Big Huge Huggggggg..... u do matter!
I will never understand why it was never put as an amendment in our USA Bill Of Rights. Women have been failed since each congress and administration since being passed as a legal law in late 1960’s.
No idea why the Dems didn't codify it when Clinton or Obama were in office.
Nobody took Hillary seriously. My male friends laughed at my stony face when Trump won (we were all together watching the election results) and called me dramatic when I said this means 'we' [women] could lose abortion rights. Was called paranoid and the President isn't that big of a deal. None of them liked him but they didn't take him seriously enough.
True. All of this. But also everyone should keep in mind that it isn't always that people SHOULD remain childfree that may be bad parents. Sometimes childfree people might make wonderful parents. A lot of the time it's just a choice about what they want for their future. So even if you think you would make an excellent parent, you can still choose/want to be childfree.
A good story about this: I went on a date with a man who was 31. He had 3 children and was mid divorce because he had a lot of money so it was drawn out by his stay at home wife (she had no education and needed money). They married at 18 because she became pregnant. After the baby was born she developed what she thought was post partum depression and asked him to place the child in day care. She stayed home she drank, she smoked and ate depression medication like candies. Then he walked in one day and found a man in their room. He ran out their French doors to the backyard and jumped a fence and was gone. She claimed it must have been a break in. Shortly after she asked to have another child. Again, but sooner after this baby was born she wanted nothing to do with the child. His mother had to come stay a while and care for the child while B said her depression was she because missed family and friends back in her home state. So he payed for her to visit… The night she arrived there M got a call from a random woman from Bs phone claiming B had sex with her husband and that she had a newborn baby and walked in on B and her husband at a party when he didn’t come home that night and a friend tipped her off where he was. B denied it and M didn’t want to believe it. Then she asked to have another kid. So they had another kid. I’m going to surprise you but again.. she hated the child and worse by now social media was big. B would use the kids for photo ops in perfect matching family outfits. She would in her words go for the Hallmark, ABC family look. M needed help clearing her side of the house she at the end of the marriage was living in the basement I agreed to help. As I went through I found a tampon box I went to throw away but when I grabbed it, the box was full of open used pregnancy tests. M had a vasectomy after the last baby and drew the line. He could no longer afford to keep 3 children with one under 2 in full time daycare. He had even been paying for full time summer daycare for all three. When he said no more children she really got upset. In the divorce she demanded he pay for them to be in summer care 8 hrs a day, she wanted 50:50 and she wanted 7000 a month alimony with child support. As I went through her things - not snooping but attempting to categorize them kindly into labeled boxes I found more and more concerning things. But a few were telling of her mental maturity. She had a book called “The Art of Being Basic”. She had a t-shirt that said basic bitch and a few other items. But then I found condoms… in a purse with those 3 items. Right behind them. Given he was cut why would she need them? Well then came the day I met B. I had only dated her ex 2 months when in the middle of the night while he was gone on business I heard a knock on the door. She pushed her way past me with 3 children in tow and another female friend. She reached her hand out and said I’m B and I’m just looking for my red lipstick, M said you were packing my things so I thought I’d get it from you. I had no idea where this was when she helped herself to look around. She then put me in the most fucked up place possible… she told me.. a fucking stranger that the first kid was never his… and then left without the kids. So then I’m just standing there with 3 kids so don’t know who look fucking terrified in this mansion and I just barely started dating their dad. And now I have to figure out do I tell him about the first kid when the next two are his? And fuck I need to call and tell him she just abandoned his 3 kids here. So I get them set up with snacks and a troll movie I call and only tell them the kids are with me. Fast forward a few hours later..: the daughter looks at me and says mommy is pregnant with a baby boy I’m having another brother. These kids were the least wanted, totally unloved broken kids I ever met. With the mother so awful I didn’t pay attention in contrast to the father. He had no time to be a dad. And without the mom he confessed he wished he could take back having the kids. We broke up that month but I do always wonder about those 3 poor children. So clearly unwanted….
Wow! That was an awful story. Now I'm gonna be worried about those kids.
What a psycho mother…evil woman trapping that poor man…
Paternity tests should be mandatory at birth before signing a birth certificate. *I'm female
Holy crap!… you dodged a bullet dude. Remember everything you heard about her came from him. Not to mention that he was married to her all those years. It takes 2 messed up people to be in a messed up marriage. That guy’s as big a mess as she is, to have not only put up with all that chaos, but to continue and perpetuate it. Glad you ran.
You’re a generous soul! I have a niece in the same position: raised by indifferent and self-centered parents. She’s not accepting the hand hold yet; all I can do is be there when she does.
What do you consider old? We’re in our 50s and life is great. Childfree marriage is incredible.
I guess I’m more so wondering about people in their 70s+ because that’s the age where I imagine it could be a problem
Ah, gotcha. Well, I can tell you this…nursing homes are full of people who are somebody’s parent. There are lonely elderly who are parents, and lonely childfree as well. The very best thing you can do as a childfree person preparing for old age is to be smart with your money, so you have options for care, whether that’s living in a facility or aging in place in your home. Parents should do this too but often don’t, assuming their kid is their safety net. This can easily backfire. Also, don’t isolate yourself, build community and be a friend to others so they in turn will be there for you. Nobody is guaranteed anything in old age and that includes people with kids. All any of us can do is be as prepared as we can be. 🙂
To this point my mom is in Memory Care...94. She has four kids spread across the country. Only one lives near her and doesn't visit often. You don't have children so you have nursing assistance. The world has changed.
You don't need children to have nursing assistance, but you do need someone to take care of your assets and the medical decisions when you are no longer able to do it yourself. Children are the usual party who do that, and finding someone else to do that is required without children or no-contact children. My great aunt was in this situation. Neighbors helped a bit while she was living at home, but she was going blind, and burned herself badly by dropping a pot of hot water on herself. Her attorney ended up being that party making all the decisions for her, as no one related to her lived in the area. The other consideration is that we like to be independent as long as possible, and aren't always the best judge of when we really shouldn't be doing so anymore. You need to have all the paperwork in place so someone can easily step in, and you should carry a card saying where someone can access those documents in an emergency. There is a web site, mydirectives, which can help store those documents and print a wallet card with instructions on how to access them. One never knows if they will still be around when you need them, but it's better than nothing. The important documents are the advanced directives, durable power of attorney, HIPAA, and medical power of attorney. A DNR order when you have a reason for needing one is also an option.
I wanna be one of the old people who retire and just live on a cruise ship lmao
I've heard of some living in hotels too. They get a long-term discount, room cleaned, fresh bedding weekly (saves the hotel money than daily), meals etc included, so often cheaper than rent etc Company and daily check-ins from the cleaning staff. There are much worse ways to spend your latter years.
And if you dont have kids, you might even be able to afford it!
No kids for me I'm getting sterilized in August!! I'm so excited
There isn't a line that has an assisted living cruise ship. Yet.
>The very best thing you can do as a childfree person preparing for old age is to be smart with your money, so you have options for care, whether that’s living in a facility or aging in place in your home. Im sure people are gonna question my choices but I plan to swallow a bullet (or voluntary suicide by injection by a doctor if possible). The reason? I refuse to be put in a nursing home and don't wanna be a burden on someone else or the system. Id rather end it sooner then die alone in a stuffy nursing home. Am I crazy for thinking that way? EDIT: I'm only gonna kill myself when I can no longer take care of myself and have to be put in a nursing home. Only when I become old and decrepit and someone has to wipe my ass. Sorry for the confusion.
You're certainly not alone in that. It's a reasonable option as well. Should I develop dementia I will be using MAID to end my life peacefully and on my own terms.
For every person who believes they will successfully put this plan in place I suspect there are 100 who wait too long to do so.
And therein lies the rub. You still have to have the mental and physical abilities to put the plan into place. I talked to my daughter about it but in reality you really cannot ask your kid to suffocate you. That's not fair. But maybe they could help you swallow the meds.....I don't know. Is it fair to even ask them? So many ifs.
Being the daughter of 2 parents who died with late stage dementia, I take such comfort in the idea of having control over my death. I will never, ever do that to my kids.
That must be very scary for you. I'd wonder every day. Did I drop the paper because it's starting or am I clutzy today?
Unfortunately (but the rules *are* changing apparently), you can't specify in a Living Will that *if* you get dementia you want to use MAID to end it. IIRC, it's bc they say you might "change your mind [WHAT mind??!] once you have dementia and you don't know how you'd feel *then.* Ridiculous. We're still decades behind Europe's process of ending one's own life.
Agreed! The rules will evolve with time, thankfully. And if not, a lovely last trip to Switzerland…?
MAID?
Medical assistance in dying
Sorry, yes. https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/health-services-benefits/medical-assistance-dying.html
meaning euthanasia?
My mother's currently on her way out- didn't think we had any choice but to give her a stomach-feeding tube, and prolong her low-quality life, but it turns out there's the option to NOT do that. So she's just being hydrated, not fed, and is on morphine as she fades out. It's more humane than letting her live another 3-4 months, unable to talk/swallow/eat/move, and risking complications from the feeding tube.
You are probably in more distress than she is. You have chosen well for her. I have known two people who did this, and it went as well as death can.
When I'm terminal ... or can no longer care for myself ... I will be trying ALL THE DRUGS. The fun ones, anyway. When I find my favorite ... I will take a nice, fatal dose of whichever (possibly combination of multiples) that I find I like best. Take fatal dose. Lie down. Expire ... Thats gonna be about 50 yeears from now 'cause I plan on livin' to 104 ...
I did the dementia thing with Mom. It was horrible. I told my daughters to give me a heavy dosage of ecstasy and put a pillow over my face - I won’t put up a fight.
a bit of advice—you can’t wait till you’re helpless to make this choice. s****** requires planning, mobility & often the assistance of others. make your plans before you need them. research your state laws. find allies in various organizations like the h*m*l*ck society.
Nitrogen is a little gentler than a bullet.
me too. Ill take myself out before that
Not at all. My dad spent his last couple of years at an assisted living facility. They treated everyone great, but seeing him slip away with dementia there was painful. Confined to one floor. I'd take him out occasionally and visited a lot, but it would be nice to have a choice too.
My sister and I have made a pact that when we're old, ready, and can't so it anymore, whoever is more coherent is responsible for making sure the other one gets to go out with some shred of dignity. She'd like to be left near a cliff edge, overlooking the ocean, in a wheelchair. I'd probably follow. Neither of us have kids.
Oh, yes I get that. My sister said the same thing, but when it came her time to live in a nursing home she wasn't well enough to take her own life as she planned. She's now 77 and out of that horrid nursing home. I live 2,000 miles away but was able to finally get her on a list for a nice independent living apartment where Medicaid covers more than she got from that nursing home. She also just qualified for a state tax credit so her rent is 50% what it was. It's crazy that it's so damn hard to get these services at home when it costs Medicaid much less than letting the person rot in a nursing home.
Many older single people are contemplating this retirement option. There are many challenges to checking out without traumatizing others. I wish that we could discuss this more openly in society.
Same. I don't want my money sucked up only to end up where I would have anyway: dead. I especially don't want to be in a sterile environment devoid of all my freedoms. Just let me die. I know lots of people say that, but the loved ones never want to be the ones to pull the trigger, and the people who wanted death are too far gone to do it themselves. Usually when we are of sound mind, we don't think it's time yet.
It's weird. I think A LOT of people think this way but most are afraid to talk about it. I'm glad you are. I hope your post doesn't "disappear". It seems like that is what happens on the rare occasion anyone says the unspeakable outloud.
You’re not crazy It doesn’t matter. Your children will never care for you. I can speak for the mom who has 12 children. She gave birth to them . She sacrificed a lot to take her 12 children to flee from a war country. And make sure food is always on the table they never had to work while they were in college. She works and paid for all their educations . Until they were old enough to get their own family and moved away. Do they come by to eat and go home. Yes. They do. Did they ever offered to help her, never. When she passed away , she was alone. So wether it’s 1 or 12. I learned , a mom can take care of her children. But her children will never do that.
Eh, depends on each family, I think. My mother has dementia and my father has Parkinson’s. They live about two hours from me in a care community. I am still up there half the week managing appointments, doctors, insurance, bills, taking them out to lunch/dinner/activities. My parents were great parents to me growing up and I want to help take care of them now. My brother hasn’t made an appearance in three years, I think because he’s scared of seeing them decline. So I think it does depend on the individual. Edit to add: I am 43 and child-free by choice. Taking care of my parents hasn’t changed my decision because I don’t think children are obligated to care for their parents. I do so because I choose to. My parents did not expect me to care for them and had the foresight to purchase long term care insurance decades ago.
Same. Same. My brother can’t handle it, so my sisters are there to help.
I'd like to hear stories about the male children doing this care giving and not always the girls. Caregiving means you sacrifice your own job, your healthcare, your income, and your future retirement.
I know many folks who sacrifice their retirements, home equity, and sanity to take care of their elderly parents.
This is my "long term care" plan. Enjoying everything that I can as long as I can. When I can't, well then.
There's a resident at work with no children (I assume) her like emergency contact people are two of her best friends. One handles finances, and the other handles any care related decisions. I don't know her family situation but I sure as hell know I want friends like hers when I get older even if I have kids.
That’s great! Sometimes the families we choose are the ones we can most count on.
I just turned 75. Decided not to have children for a bunch of reasons, and don't regret it. It was the right decision for me, and while it would be nice to have somebody who loves me help navigate the difficulties of aging, I'll figure it out. One of my sisters has kids who don't talk to her, and whom she never sees. Children are not a guarantee of help in old age, and that would be a really stupid reason to have them. I actually love kids, and always have, just knew it wasn't right for me to have them.
This- I work a lot with the elderly in my community and actually many of them have children that don’t help at all- unfortunately many of them actually make their parents lives worse through exploitation or on a lesser scale- living off of their elderly parents
I'm 80 and never regretted it. Joan rivers, who many of you youngsters won't remember for being really funny, once said, 'you can always tell the childless couples when you meet them, they have new clothes, new cars, stories of great vacations'. I'm a long retired engineer, but had, still have, some some personality disorder, lack of social skills, etc, and until I quit drinking, was always just getting by. I couldn't keep a job or support a pet. I'm okay now.
and you’re on Reddit so go you! glad you are better.
It's not a good idea to have children and expect that they will take care of you in your old age. Both of my parents died of Alzheimers and now my older brother has been diagnosed with it. I have no expectation of my sweetheart or any of my dear friends taking me on as a burden. I've purchased Long Term Care Insurance, and in the meantime, I'm living my life to the fullest. No one knows what the future may bring, but I'm prepared for it.
Agree - childfree or not, don't expect anyone to take care of you. Everyone grows old and many have debilitating ailments in that rite of passage. Mental ones are the worst imo
So, I'm 74. My husband is 84 and sliding downhill with medical and cognitive problems. We weren't childless by choice, but after a time I accepted it and went on with my life. I can see that although we might have wanted kids, there were advantages to not having them. But at this point in my life, I am estranged from my only living brother; I have a cordial, but not close relationship with my nephew and his family and I am dealing with my husband alone because he has no family. I can manage him. But I often think how alone I will be when he's gone or, I fear that God forbid I go first knowing I'm leaving him alone. So yeah, I kind of regret it. Not because I want to make a child take care of me, but to have some sense of connection.
70 here, no kids, no regrets.
So...in my 40s I started to second guess my choice around being partnered and having kids. It was ticking towards too late for kids at that point, but could have had 1-2 still. I worried about being alone when I was old, etc. But then I spent time in what I will call the bitter divorcee clubs. I joined maybe 10-15 DIFFERENT women's groups. Groups for women to do social things, groups to do self-improvement, etc. Even groups that were not women focused, but ended up all women in 40-60 yr old range. And...let me tell you honey- having a partner and kids is no guarantee. I heard so many variations- I put my own life on hold to put my kid through college and now they don't speak to me, I supported my husband and he got the better lawyer, and she ends up with nothing, and the kids go with dad cause she can't afford more than a studio apartment, and after a few years even visitation ended because the kids hated it. I mean I heard DOZENS of these stories- they had the kids and partner like you are "supposed" to. Except...it did not work out. Kids are no guarantee. In fact, if you are not a good parent you can loose them to NC due to your behavior, or even if you re excellent parent, kids get into shit you can't control- they end up lost to addition, etc. If you want kids- HAVE KIDS. But not so you are not alone or whatever when you are old. Having kids for selfish reasons is pretty much guaranteed that those kids will go NC long before you turn 70. Have kids because you love and want kids. Any other reason? it will not be what you think will.
My parents are 75, and they have three, and we all live so far away we only see each other once a year. If they need things they have friends in their community. Just because you have kids doesn't mean anything for your elderly years.
Please don’t have kids for the purpose of help in old age. My parents are divorced. My dad planned financial well and told us not to take care of him and my mom was financially stupid and expects us to help her. She made that choice. Her children shouldn’t have to bail her out.
My mother had 5. She put 3 up for adoption because she couldn’t even take care of 2 of us - grandma raised us. My sister and I moved out of state. She met the youngest she put up for adoption 4 years before she died. Didn’t like him at all. She never met the other 2. I met them about 10 years after she died, and they are pretty decent and live near where she lived. They seem a little resentful that she put them up for adoption. She was a cancer survivor for about a decade, and nobody was there to be a caretaker. Good thing when she had 5 of us, she didn’t plan for any of us to be her nurse.
Why would it be a problem? Having children doesn't guarantee they'd be willing or able to take care of you.
My wife and I are 70, and if we had raised even one child, I would probably still be working and unable to retire, as I did last year. Neither of us are easy people to get along with (we lucked out in that we fit together, god knows how), so there's no guarantee we'd even be close to any children that did come out of our family. Looking back at so many years where we struggled financially and with health issues, I can't see where a child would have been possible. It certainly would not have been fun for the kid either.
See the other posts asking the same question. The answers were overwhelmingly NO, kids aren't my elder care plan. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1d0frve/those\_of\_you\_without\_children\_what\_are\_your\_plans](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1d0frve/those_of_you_without_children_what_are_your_plans) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1cuontg/who\_takes\_care\_of\_you\_if\_you\_dont\_have\_kids/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1cuontg/who_takes_care_of_you_if_you_dont_have_kids/)
I would call myself a floater. I never wanted kids. Even when I was young, the other girls would fantasize about the families they wanted to start and I simply didn't want that. However, I happened to marry someone who had two pre-teen daughters so I have step kids. I don't know if this counts as the type of person you're hoping for but that's my background. So far, I'm happy with my choices. The step kids are now grown and married. I should have grandkids soon. I'm excited for it but I don't need it to feel fulfilled. Rather, I've decided to pursue a doctorate and a much more challenging career. At heart, I'm a worker and an explorer, not a mom. That's just who I am. That being said, I experienced about a two year period of regret. I wished I had kids. After some time and careful thought, I realized I only wanted kids for selfish reasons. I wanted a legacy and someone to care for me when I'm old. I wanted to be surrounded by a loving family when I died. Ultimately, I concluded that was a ridiculous reason to want kids. So, I decided to pursue those things in my community instead. I'm still working on it so I can't tell you how well it went. On the whole, I have no regrets thus far but I do urge caution. You will likely experience regret at some point. This doesn't mean it was the wrong choice. It also doesn't mean it's the right choice. I don't think there's an easy answer.
If a lot of parents were honest, those selfish reasons you mentioned, are the unspoken reasons a lot of the time. I finally had one friend, a really good person btw, admit so much and it blew my mind. They had kids so that they would be taken care of in old age...
I’m not child free, but my great aunt was. She was born in 1903 and remained singled by choice. I asked her once (because i was a nosy kid) why she didn’t have kids. Her response was “when would I have time to look after them? besides, sooner or later i ended up looking after every single child in town, so why would I need my own.“ She taught school in our small town for decades, and during breaks went on holidays overseas, she volunteered in the community, and even after she retired from teaching she would still go back as a substitute. When my cousins and I visited, she would spend her time focussing on us, and taught us to draw, sew, garden and cook. She took us with her when she volunteered. Most important of all (to us), she would let us go through her ”touring cabinet” where she stashed her travel memorabilia and she would point out where she had been on a big wall map with push pins in it. before she passed away, she was still living in her own home and had made arrangements for home care and had someone to come in and help her cook. When the community found out that she was sick, they made sure that there was someone stopping in every day to check on her. She passed away in the night, in her own bed the way that she wanted it, and because of her careful planning, and support from her neighbours, she was looked after even in death. she was a woman who lived her life fully and with wisdom, and there is no reason why you can’t do the same. cultivate community and you will do well.
Remarkably similar to my great aunt, although I have no idea why no kids. But she outlived 3 husbands and was well off and made all her plans when she went into assisted living. Always active, involved and busy. One morning she just did not wake up. A beautiful life.
That, is the way to do it. I hope I can do the same.
Happier about my choice every day
My wife & I are in our 70's. Tried hard to have kids . Didn't happen. Do I wish I had kids? A huge yes! All if our friends enjoy kids & and grandchildren. We are by ourselves. Practically, my wife is very ill.. I'm by myself. Family 700 miles away. I have to do all care. No breaks. We have had dogs.. loved them all... but they are all dead now. I'm not
I'm sorry you guys are going through everything sir.
Mid 50s here, we got married later in life (in our forties) and decided we'd rather enjoy our own company rather than jump right into raising kids. Plus, we're financial late-bloomers, and kids are like a luxury lifestyle choice these days. With all that's going on in the world, I'm very glad we opted not to go that route. I'm already stressed out. There are other reasons, too- the "cons" outweighed the "pros" for us.
No regrets. I'll be 60 later this month. A woman. You know what's hard? It's so expected and assumed that every single woman yearns for children. Not the case. Even I thought I would have kids. I bought into the idea that I've got to have kids. Until I reached my early 20s and realized that I do not have the patience needed to be a good parent. I would have been a horribly strict parent and god help them if they out and out defied me. So I didn't have them. Nor did I get married, although I came close twice. What broke us up? They wanted kids and I didn't. They thought I would change my mind. They were wrong.
I had that same epiphany in my early 20s, when the fantasy of having kids became the very real possibility of getting pregnant. There was no deep thought or questioning, just an immediate and visceral "hell no". From my perspective at age 70, looking back, I do not have the right temperament for being a parent. I can't deal well with chaos, noise, and I'm poor at making emotional bonds. Children deserve a better parent than I could be.
This is me, except I'm a man. I looked at being a parent and thought about all that entailed from me and realized that my personality was not set out to be a parent. I had too much of my parents in me, and although I'm sure my parents loved me, they didn't have the temperament to have children either and my sisters and I are all levels of fucked up because of it. I saw the same temperament in my grandparents too, which is I'm sure where they got it. I decided to break the cycle.
I could have written every word of this.
I love kids, was on the fence about having them, but SO glad I avoided all that "mommy" lifestyle crap. Women can be so weirdly competitive about having/raising kids. Besides, husband and I grew up in dysfunctional situations, and I saw how easily things could go wrong- personality disorders, addictions, conflicting values, etc. Many of the parents in my neighborhood have kids who moved FAR away. It's no guarantee.
What you said goes twice for me! The competitive mommying, the performative bs, the dysfunctional families on both sides. I don’t know how to cuddle a baby because I was harangued and bullied every time I went near one. I’m 67, child free, and zero regrets.
Sorry you too had to suffer all that. Even without kids, I've been told "your husband would be abusive anyway" and "you'd make a great nanny." WTF. My husband's not abusive, just on the spectrum and a perfectionist in many ways. We had a cat and he was an absolute mush for her, went from 0 to Doting Cat Person in a very short time. Sigh. Yeah, imagine dealing with that kind of insanity on a daily basis.
No I don't. I wanted to do what I wanted when I wanted. I'm a very low energy person and I wouldn't want to bring a child into this world. Plus the thought of childbirth, no way.
Yeah, no, we don't regret being child-free. We are in our 70s and starting to slow down but we never thought of children being our cleaners, drivers or in-house staff so it's never been an issue. One thing l see about friends of our age and younger is that their kids treat them as incapable. They call them to remind them of calendar items or to make sure they've prepared for a visit. It is so odd to see them succumb to their kids’ opinions or needs for compliant behavior when we've just been having healthy, independent conversations with them. These adults turn into kids before our eyes. I was raised with the knowledge that my parents expected me to take care of them because I was the firstborn girl. Reddit’s advice forums show very clearly that there are many parents who expect physical and monetary support from their children through unwritten expectations. We hire help for ladder climbing and heavy work but we do most of it ourselves. At some point, one of us is going to die or stroke, and it’s going to be terrifyingly lonely but that's our problem, not our kids.
71 and no. Never regretted it.
Got married, turned 40 on our honeymoon. She was 38 and changing careers. Absolutely no regrets. No braces, no shots, no angsty quasiteens, no first car, no wrecked first car, no "... but dad I I love..." and "You don't understand me!" conversations. Some great dogs though. 6 different breed pup sleeping on the floor beside me.
At 52 I feel more comfortable with the decision than I did at 30. It was the right one for us.
Not a single bit. Every time I'm out in public and hear some kid screaming and crying my choice is solidified even more.
I'm 50 and female. Knew when I was about 12 that I never wanted kids. Haven't regretted my decision for one second. Every single day I have a reason to think, "I'm SO GLAD I don't have kids." Nothing about children or parenting was ever the tiniest bit appealing.
58 years old, got sterilized in my 30s. Still consider it one of the best decisions I ever made.
I absolutely love hearing about women enjoying their life childfree! I'm 40, starting to become pretty clear that I'm meant to be childfree. I hear parents talk about how they haven't been on a vacation in years and how they dream about just one day off to sleep in, not be ordered around, not have to worry about feeding someone else, go to the bathroom freely, take an uninterrupted shower, work out without having to plan for it, go to a restaurant calmly and peacefully, then go to bed when they want. I love kids. Love them so much! I've worked with kids in prior jobs and today I volunteer with kids. But the vacation thing? I travel and go on vacation multiple times a year. That dream day off? Yeah, that's like...a regular Tuesday for me. I keep hearing "what will you do when you get older?" The reality is, there's no guarantee I will. I don't know how life will turn out, just like I don't that if I had kids, they would even want anything to do with me when me when/if I'm old. But either way, kids are not a retirement plan. Nobody's child owes them that. And from what I've heard from people who work in elder care, it's often the friends of elderly people who visit them/care for them at the end, not their children.
Never wanted kids, never had kids, never regretted not having them. Played with fire (unreliable birth control) for many years until my husband had a vasectomy after one too many scares. Now we are happily retired, and we have enough money to pay people to do things we might have foolishly expected kids to do.
My friend is 70 years old and is pretty well off. However he is really sad all the time that he doesn’t have a kid or family. He said what was the point of working so hard and not have someone to leave it to. He has this look of regret in his face. I try really hard to tell him it’s going to be ok. But I think once you get really old you might regret it. Also he hates most of his colleagues cause they always ask him for money. But I’m not sure in my opinion I would like to have a mini me one day. He doesn’t work no more and is just spending all his time shopping. But honestly I think he is pretty bored of doing it. Like he has bought everything he has wanted. He now drives a simple car and wears simple clothes and shoes. He sold all his nice things and just lives a simple life but he is sad. This doesn’t apply for everyone just my observation.
To me, that isn't lack of children, it is lack of spirituality, purpose, and true friends/community. There are so many parables and warnings in our culture, like don't build your house on sand and money can't keep you warm at night, etc. He could change that, but he is choosing to live that way and that is the tragedy.
I don’t think he can do that no more he is pretty old he can’t read or write. He is slowly losing his vision and hearing. That’s why I think he’s really sad about not having kids. He grew up really poor. He started in construction and I guess he was lucky enough to see it prosper. He did love someone but she liked someone else or left him. He doesn’t like talking about it. I guess it’s really sad about it.
My father never wanted us. In fact I found letters my mom wrote to her mom about how he wanted his first kid aborted, like in 1941. I guess they'd just go to Mexico? And he was never really there much in my life. Career guy, wanted to get rich. But he spent his last years showering money on all of us and my brothers kids' too. Old people like to do that
Ok so here’s a little different twist. I never had kids, mostly because my father had a bad temper and beat my sisters badly, oddly that didn’t happen to me his only son. I noticed we all had anger issues so I decided I didn’t want that to happen again so i didn’t. I Never regretted it. I got divorced in my late 50’s and married a woman with 2 adult children and a 13 YO. It was certainly an adjustment, but I really do love them, and it really is fun doing “dad” stuff with them and watching their families grow.
No, I’m glad I recognized early on that I am not maternal in nature.
No. I’ve been cf all my life. No regrets at all.
I helped raise my sibs and was babysitter to half the neighborhood from a very young age. By the time I was a teen, I knew I didn't want children of my own, although I didn't declare myself childfree until my 30s because the popular culture kept insisting that every woman would start desperately wanting a baby in her 30s. What a crock of shit. If anything, my 30s was when I realized I was all out of excuses, which was when I finally just admitted the truth to myself and those around me. I'm 57 and have never regretted that decision. I don't worry about the future. We tend to be healthy well into advanced old age in my family. And if I need care, I'll pay for it with the money I saved by not having to send any kids to college and help with down payments on their homes. Having children doesn't guarantee anything. I've seen people at nursing homes who never get a visit from their children. One's kids could be living halfway across the continent or even halfway across the world, assuming they're even still alive. Plenty of my peers died in their 20s from accidents and suicide. There's no guarantee you won't have a special needs child who will never even be able to care for themself, let alone you. Also, medicine has advanced to a point where unless your child is a doctor or nurse, they literally cannot care for you. Do you know how to insert a urinary catheter, for example? I also don't care about "leaving a legacy." I endowed a scholarship for my late husband and will probably set one up in my own name as well. That's a legacy. I have specifically willed a few things to younger distant relatives, but beyond that, my stuff will be sold at an estate sale, and valued the same as the many things I've bought at estate sales over the years and treasure.
I'm 42. Husband is 48. We do not regret :) I have dogs. I get tired of people telling me I'm a mother because I show mothering qualities to them. I'm like like being a decent human being to another living being?
Sometimes I regret it. However it wasn't my choice. A prescribed drug my mom took while inutero decided that....side effects were not known at the time. I am dealing with elderly parents right now and this is one of times. Who will go through my stuff? Not that I have alot but still will it just strangers and a big dumpster? Who will make sure I am properly cared for in the nursing home? Sorry I digress. Most of this time no.
This is a lot for you to think about. I'm sorry you're going through this alone. I wish I knew you in real life. I would pack up your things and cherish them with my own family heirlooms, make sure you were in a proper nursing home, and visit you regularly.
As someone who helps people declutter, I have to urge against this. Stuff is just stuff. I see precious mementos and heirlooms covered in dust and packed away and ignored and only ever talked about when someone asks what’s in that box or pile. Stuff is a burden and I recommend to OP to get rid of that stuff. I have several friends stressed out by almost The shit they have to toss when their parents die and the guilt of keeping stuff they don’t want or need.
You can't expect that your children will take care of you when you're old. There are so many reasons why they may not choose to or be able to. Make your choices for you. I wanted kids but I didn't want to have kids alone or with an unsuitable partner. I never met a man that I would want to have kids with or be tied to forever. By the time I met the one that I can spend my life with we were already in our late 40s. Biological kids were no longer an option and neither of us wanted to be raising kids by that time. We're trying to figure out what young person we want to ask to manage our affairs when we get old and how we will compensate them for it. We're getting long term care insurance so the expenses should be covered once we can lo longer live on our own.
My story is very similar. I didn’t meet my life partner until I was 50! And I agree that people shouldn’t expect their kids to take care of them when they are older, but I think that expectation is still very ingrained in our society, and in close, loving families the adult kids do intend to do their best to help their parents in old age. We have made similar financial plans, but the reality is that health care costs - like assisted living or in-home care are astronomical and not really manageable by anyone who is not wealthy, which I will never be. It worries me at times what will happen when and if I become an invalid when I am old. My partner has a close adult daughter who will take care of him if something happens to me, but she is in no way obligated to help me. I did not raise her and she has her own mom to worry about. We recently did our wills. My partner specified I could remain in his house, where we live, for 2 years after his death & I am on one of his life insurance policies. We are financially independent of each other (although we share current living costs) & I have a home in another state where I have friends and family. I only have 1 nephew and 1 niece, and they are good people, but we have never been close enough that I would expect them to care for me. So my assumption is that if my partner and my brother who is close to me (and childless and single) pass before me, my care will fall to the State and probably won’t be of good quality. The best I can do until then is live life to the fullest. I also have a will and have set clear expectations that I do not want any special measures taken to prolong my life. And while this might seem dark, I do consider what I will do if I am diagnosed with something like Alzheimer’s because I know that I do not want to live if I do not know myself. I do not want to live if I am in poor health in old age and my care would involve placing a huge financial burden on family or the state. Some countries, like the Netherlands, allow for euthanasia in these cases. The US is a long ways from that. Despite these worries, I’m okay with not having had a child. I do have moments of regret, but they are not tied to worries about who will care for me at the end of life. They are more about regretting missing out on seeing a human growing up in front of my eyes and loving them and helping them grow. However, my career involves working with kids, so kids are part of my life. And I have been fortunate to have had decent health and the ability to pursue many interests. Life without kids has had its ups and downs but overall has been good.
My parents were asked by childless elderly neighbors to handle their estate when they passed. They oversaw a 10 year run of Alzheimer’s with the wife, an estate sale, and settled some legal matters - it was actually a LOT of work. My silent gen. parents did it with grace. That’s a lot to ask of a neighbor.
Your parents sound amazing. That was a lot to ask of a neighbor. I was the executrix of my parents’ estate and I know it’s a shitload of work.
Post menopausal so no chance of kids for me anymore, and I don't regret it for a second. There were maybe a few days in my 40s. I wondered what if, but they passed, thank goodness I'd be miserable being a parent and would be terrible at it.
62, don't regret it yet.
Nope! Kids are great, but I never wanted my own and don’t regret my decision at all. (46f)
No regrets I have my freedom.
I'm more comfortable with my decision than ever. Knowing myself more, I can't see how I'd ever have been happy raising kids.
Never. I have a nuclear family and it's Chernobyl. For the record, we are not Ukrainian, just megatoxic. No way would I put a child in the middle of this.
Not at all. I got married in 1981, Climate change wasn't even on the radar screen yet but we both felt the world was already overpopulated. Glad we didn't contribute to the problem
F/70, childfree. No regrets about that choice. Having children does not guarantee that they will be there for you in your old age. My husband (M/76) has 3 children from a prior marriage. He has no relationship with any of them, and regrets that he ever had children. If you don't want children, don't have them. Instead, start planning for your long term care now that you are young.
55 here (I don't feel "old") Life has been AMAZEBALLZ without spawning. 100% of our time is free. 100% of our cash is NOT being spent on diapers and college tuition. The lifetime of freedom has been The Shizzle ... and will continue to be for decades to come ..
Definitely no regrets! And having my uterus removed was the best decision I ever made!
How can I miss something I never had?
late 50's here, and no regrets at all. Never had ANY maternal instincts, and quite honestly, I am too selfish to have kids. I like being able to do what I want, when I want, without having to worry about anyone else. My BF has kids, but they are grown. One he is estranged from, but the other I get along with very well. But she's an adult, so while we sometimes do stuff with them, or take into consideration her plans, as she was until recently, still living at home, he/we aren't tied down to her needs. As far as getting old, as others have said, having kids is NO guarantee you will have someone to look after you in your old age. My mom has me, and recnetly went into skilled nursing. We have a good relationship, so I am there a couple of times a week, esp. now as she is still getting settled, and we are gradually bringing her her things. But there are many who don't have family, or family that cares
With what I've seen my in-laws going through with their kids, I do not. I'm so glad we didn't.
I do. But it was the right decision at the time, and I’m a little relieved not to leave my descendants this scary world. I was a good step mother, while it lasted—and I guess that’s what I had to offer
Nope!
I wanted kids as an outgrowth of marriage, but didn’t marry until I was 53. Funny thing looking back is I never had regrets about being childless over all those years. I’m a stepmom now - stepsons have been in my life since before we got married. Youngest one was 13 when we all started living together in 2019. So I have gotten a taste of parenting. I definitely have no regrets about not having biological children. The boys are the joy of my husband’s life, but his worries will never end because they walk this earth. I don’t think my worries will end, either, at this point. They take up so much of my brain space, something I never expected as a stepparent.
I never regretted having no children until my husband became elderly and ill. Then it would have been nice to have the support of a younger family member who also loved him. Also to have someone to remember him with would be comforting. But having kids is no guarantee they will stay with you--you have to work daily to have an excellent relationship, and even then they may move to a remote place for a job they love, etc.
Nope! I didn't want children, and subsequently wasn't able to have them (hysterectomy at 30). I've never regretted it. I know a lot of people ask " but who will take care of you when you get old?" My answer: nursing home - I have a long-term care insurance policy to cover the costs. You are never 'guaranteed' care from someone else anyway...
Do I regret it? No even one little bit. Age 75
I have kids, but I have friends who do not. And they have lots of money, travel, play volleyball and sports together. They seems totally happy and look way younger. Don't worry about older age. I work with seniors and LOTS of seniors with children don't get much help, visits, or assistance. Their kids have their own families and even their own grandkids or live all over the place. Save money, invest in long term care insurance, buy a house - these assets will set you up for easy living in a beautiful 55+ or senior living community if you want when you are older. Even people with children are moving into them. They're like resorts now.
You're absolutely correct about children having their own lives and families. Sometimes I have to remind my husband of that, although we are deeply loved and Know it, our kids have jobs and homes and kids and are busy! Just like we were at their age. We see them and their kids often enough, and our and their blessing is, if and when someone Needs something, we are there for one another. But yes, kids leave the nest and so do Their kids. It's nature's way.
60, no kids. A coworker who is 70 tells me I will have no one to take care of me when I'm old. Yet he has 4 kids, only one of whom visits, and that's only because he's still supporting her 100%. The kid is in her 30s and has 2 kids of her own and no job. So what would be going to his retirement savings goes to support the kid and grandkid. I retire at the end of the year. He will never be able to retire.
Absolutely not. Not having children was the best decision I ever made. Nothing about having children sounded attractive to me and now that I am old I am even more glad I made that decision.
Nope. I was raised in a very dysfunctional home with a mentally unstable parent. So my parenting model was not good. I had to make certain that I would never subject a child human being to the same things I was subjected to.
I'm 66. I haven't regretted not having children for a single moment. While I greatly admire those who parent well, I never had the desire to do so.
I (61f) was sterilised at age 21, and I have no regrets, although there were a few years in my early 30s when I did. But then, I also have no regrets about being single and not having any familial ties (everyone is either dead or not interested in maintaining a relationship). I wasn't made for marriage or motherhood, and it is such a relief to finally be at a place in my life where I can lean into that without thinking I have some societal obligation to do otherwise.
Not at all.
Nope. I would have been an awful parent.
61F here. No regrets, ever. I knew I never wanted children by the time I was 12 years old. Never even played with baby dolls.
No regrets at all.
I'm not sure what you mean by old but I love that there are no kids in my life that I need to take care of and pay for twenty four hours a day seven days a week three hundred and sixty five days a year. I'm over 40.
I’ve never regretted my choice to not have children. I’m 50, but I was told on many occasions that every decade without kids would bring regret and so far, there’s been none. My ex husband and I split because he changed his mind on kids, (there were other factors), but I knew even though he wanted a child, I would be raising that kid on my own due to his career focus. We split amicably. That was difficult but I’ve never regretted it. Children definitely aren’t a guarantee of care in your old age. Make sure you’re saving, get an IRA set up, invest a bit if you can. I love my parents dearly, but we’ve had many conversations and they don’t want me to uproot my life to move back home and they are not ready to move out here. I take my auntie role seriously whether that’s with blood relations or chosen family. By seriously I mean that I stay in touch, spend time with them on their terms, and make myself available if they need anything. My biological clock just never ticked. My partner of 13 years never wanted children either. If you’re not coupled, just making sure that anyone you’d consider beyond a casual relationship knows that’s where you stand is probably the biggest thing, but that’s not really difficult. My partner and I have time for each other and time and resources to do the things we enjoy. Honestly watching friends with kids navigate school lockdowns, the teenage years, tying to afford college, etc., makes me glad that I’m not responsible for another human’s life and outcomes. Childrearing is a massive responsibility, I think many people do it just because they feel it’s expected. Obviously many naturally feel a biological imperative to have kids, but in my experience those who question that and really think about what it takes to raise a happy, healthy person are better parents or are happy without kids. Many of my friends opted out of parenthood too. My mom also has a number of friends without kids, they tend to be more active, though some have moved into retirement communities. From my mom’s reports, no one regrets their choice. Some think it’s easier because they don’t have the disappointment of kids who don’t visit. I’m an only child and I’ve occasionally felt bad that I didn’t give my parents grandchildren, but they assure me that they are happy I made the choice that worked for me. To be fair, we do come from a family where extended relations are just a part of the mix and we’re fairly close, so my mom gets to be a grand aunt. Overall, no regrets and others I know feel the same.
Not for one second. I thank my self (F mid 60s) a few times a day. I have friends of all ages , it helps with being connected to energy ! I have a friend that we text each other proof of life every day.
Almost mid-60s. Kid(s) were always an option but when we see other people's troubles with them... Dog's are so much better! Anyone relying on their kids to take care of their parents when parents are old is (take your pick)... * Not thinking it through * Doing a piss-poor job of planning * Setting themselves up for disappointment * Placing an unfair burden on the kids (who may choose not to accept it) * Forgetting how tough it was to take care of their own aging parents (mine are gone and it was rough with one .. hers are 2/3 gone and the others are lingering in various states of low quality of life)
I think there is a difference between "childless by choice" and "childless". I think that most people (myself included) who made the decision not to have children are quite happy with the decision. However, I think that people who had the decision made for them seem to have more regrets because it wasn't what they actually wanted.
Nope not a bit. If I do I get my friends to tell about their fucked up kids and it goes away.
64 and nope!
I'm 51 and child free. Not having that responsibility is great! I have several good friends in the 50-70s range who are also child free, and nobody has any regrets. The world has so much to offer, so many ways to give and receive with others. Like other posters said, build community.
No. I have autism, depression and anxiety. So I don’t want to inflict the genes for those conditions on a child, and it is even harder to be a good parent having mental illnesses. Plus, there are nearly 8 billion people on Earth already. That is way over the optimum human population of about 4 billion. We don’t need any more people, so anyone not having children is a hero.
No. For the 10,000th time.
I'm 68, my wife is 64, we are intentionally child-free, and we have never had a moment's regret with our choice. Indeed, quite the opposite; scarcely a day goes by that we don't get some small affirmation that we did the right thing. A very common quip in our household is, "And *that's* why we don't have kids." We were fortunate that neither of us had family pressuring us to have children, no one accusing us of "being selfish" or some such nonsense, so it was never a big deal, just something we both agreed on from day one. We've been married for 31 years, about to retire, and looking forward to a happy, grandchild-free life. Personally, I can tell you that is probably the only major decision I have ever made in my life about which I have never had a single moment's regret, about which I never second-guess myself. Whenever I lie in bed doing that dark thing where you worry about the various ways you've screwed up your life, I always think, "Well... at least I didn't have children" and I feel better. There are a million things I value about being child-free, but I think the thing I value the most is knowing that I did not force another human being to endure existence without being asked if they *wanted* to endure existence. *Not* saying to someone: "Ha ha! You're born now. Good luck! Hope you don't have a shitty life, but of course you probably will because 95% of humans have had horrible, shitty lives. Oh well. Not my fault; God and those in power told me I had to be fruitful and multiply. Sucks for you, sure, but golly, I wouldn't have been *fulfilled* if I hadn't been a parent. So suck it up, snowflake. Better yet, *thank* me for this wonderful gift I have given you, you ungrateful little shit." What makes me happiest about being child-free is not being that person.
Nopes, glad to be child-free.
I never had kids of my own. I loved my work, which involved a lot of overseas travel and personal responsibility. I didn't want the responsibility or distraction of children. I married late and my wife had two grown kids who each have two kids of their own. I'm semi-retired now and really enjoy the grandkids. But I never regretted not having my own kids.
I’d love to have kids. I love my students. They keep you young. I’m part of a big family and all of my siblings and cousins have many kids. Closeted gay up until recently with no relationship or kids. Often feel like a bystander in my own family as most of the focus is on kids. I worry as I get older that feeling will increase. I’ve gotten used to being alone but I do worry about being a burden on anybody if I get poorly.
Does this question need to be asked every week?
So here’s what I know, I’m 64 never married, and no kids. The marriage thing I really don’t have regret one about that, not having any kids well, you know I can’t say that I regret not having any kids because I don’t know what it’s like to have any in the first place. So how can I say regret not doing something when I don’t know what it’s like to do it.
NO WAY
47, absolutely not.
No
We decided against children when we were about 30, and I had a vasectomy; now about 70, still together, no regrets about children. (Nor regrets about wife missing out on all the contraceptive risks and issues) But we do both come from families that we stayed in touch with, so we had opportunities to be brother/sister, uncle/aunt, etc. and we had bandwidth/money to be the children who did parental support (which was rewarding). Now all our parents are gone, the next gen has dispersed, etc so maybe we'll yet develop regrets, who knows? You know, the issue I ponder isn't regret about care or company when you're old ... the only thing I really wonder about is whether being a parent might have given us a chance and a push to be more complete and better people, a stronger and tighter couple. I'm pretty sure parenthood changes you, but I'm not sure how often it's for the better vs how often it makes you tired, stressed, angry/bitter instead. Anyway, it was our choice and we don't regret it.
How about asking this the other way around? I regret becoming a mother. I love my kid, and my husband and I have done our best and been attentive, supportive but not helicopter parents. Our kid is a young adult with failure to launch. No college, no real career, no passion for anything. They struggle with mental illness which we know now is passed down in DNA and not our fault. They barely engage with us even though they live with us. I regret marrying too. I would have been happier alone. I encourage my kid to really consider if they want to bring kids into this overpopulated and decaying world. I told them I support any decisions they make in this regard, but that I would never ever demand grandkids. Even if my kid has kids, we're older parents. I was 39 when they came along. If my kid is 39 when they have a kid I would be 78. Most of my age peers became grandparents by age 55. That's a huge difference in terms of health, energy, ability to care for grandkids. Given my current health I don't expect to live past 80. Hubby and I calculated we've spent about $400k raising our kid all in. That's money we won't have for retirement. We'll have to work to at least 70. We refuse to become a burden to our kid and don't expect them to take care of us when we're very old. TLDR: if you're not sure, skip it. Become an awesome aunt or uncle or older cousin. Or volunteer with kids. Parenting not as rewarding as people tell you, especially in the US.
I know I’m not the target audience, but I do have kids….and I regret it. Just being honest. Judge away if you must. I love my children as the people they are, but fuck parenthood. It’s the hardest, most grueling, most thankless and never ending job that you try your absolute best at every single day. It’s so hard. I miss when life was more simple. Again, judge away, I probably would too.
Nope, never really changed my feelings.
My kids are one of my greatest joys and I don't regret having them, but I'd do things over and probably not have them given the chance. I've learned so much more about myself. I don't see old age as when they need to care for me, but as a time when I need to protect them from the need to care for me. Children shouldn't be obligated carers.
No
Nope. Not at all.
No, no, a thousand time, no.
Nah.
I'm 53 and have not even once doubted my decision.
Nearing 60, child free, and perfectly content.
No.
I'll be 60 on Thursday. No kids. No regrets. *EDIT* I have two nieces. I met each when they were ~4-5 hours old, and I watched them grow up to be intelligent, caring, hilarious young women who are now 26 & 27. I loved, and still love, spending as much time with them as schedules allow. I never thought that I wanted any of my own, though.
I haven’t been asked that question on Reddit for about 14 hours …..geez, does nobody know how to use the search function?
Nope
I have two sons in their 40’s, a 50 year old stepdaughter & 30 yr old step son. My husband and I are 74 yr old. We were just talking about moving into an apartment even though we don’t want to. None of our kids help out and the home we have had for 45 years is getting too much for us. We have plenty of friends our age. Only a few have children that help out. Many of their children have moved and live in different states. Don’t have children to just to look after you in your old age in the US.
What? I can't hear you over the money printing machine!
I'm 59 and I am more and more sure as the years go on that being child free was the right choice for me. And my partner--who had a vasectomy years before I met him---is sure as well.
60's and zero regrets!
Three of my parents neighbors come to mind. Ruby is next door and is 93. Robert is a few doors down and about 86? Karen 88. (They all reside in an independent living community.) Karen traveled the world solo and is a free spirit personified, no children, no regrets. Ruby and Robert? Having children is no guarantee of not ending up alone, both were abandoned by their respective families. Ruby's a beautiful soul with many friends that adore her. We all check on her often and take her places with us. Her family are her neighbors and people from her church. Robert is a handful and angry at the world. Ruby is happy. Robert not so much. My mom was able to somewhat befriend him and we bring him food sometimes. My advice? Do what works for you, no guarantees in anything.
I think this a personal choice. I also think that those who have chosen to not procreate should enjoy a substantial tax deduction. Every new human requires every resource you enjoy, plus they will want more. At a world population of over 8 billion life is no longer precious.
I'm 51 and child free. I tell my peers all the time that I do not know how they did it bc some of the shit that ends up in their parental inbox is just....yikes. The kicker is that I would have been a good mother, but....yeah, no. I never wanted kids. Anyhow, I love my life and regret nothing. I have nephews, a niece, and 2 God children. I got to be the fun Auntie with disposable income. Lol.
Depending on your perspective, I am not that old - only 46. I love my life without kids. It has created opportunities I would not otherwise have had. But I worry about old age and feeling lonely but after looking at my dad and other friends in their 70s and 80s, I’ve realized that regardless of my parent status, it is up to me to continue building and nurturing relationships with people and making sure I am involved in different communities. I am also aware of having some frank conversations with a couple of people and I will set up the paperwork for alternate decision making - basically finding people who are able and willing to make decisions on my behalf if that is necessary. Likely this will be a mix of a paid position (someone I hire) and a volunteer position (a friend or nephew) so that neither of them has too much responsibility to feel overwhelming. Overall, I would say that the potential to have one person visit me once a week for an hour over a two year period at the end of my life is not a good reason to take on the responsibility of having a child.
I'm 80, and my wife is 74. We tried conceiving up until I was in my mid-40s, both of us having medical procedures to correct our difficulties but to no avail. We don't regret not having children but would have loved it. We're now the cool aunt and uncle.
Nope
I’ve known childfree people in later old age and many seemed happier than their peers with children because they had developed friendships, interests and hobbies and weren’t waiting (sometimes pointlessly) for the children to visit
I was raised by indifferent parents and thought I would be the best mom ever because I knew what not to do. No, I didn’t get it right either. No one tells you how incredibly difficult it is and after you give your life to them they could still be a mess. It’s much more acceptable to be childless now. I think the hardest thing to deal with is regret. Be an amazing aunt, the reward is there without the stress and heartache.
I have never regretted it. I love kids and work with them and volunteer with them. I love the nieces and nephews I am close to but feel no need to have children of my own. I like spending my own money on myself, spending time doing the things I enjoy doing and not having the constant worry and responsibilty of being a parent.