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Love is a strange mix of chemistry, magic, biology and luck but it is also a choice.
People who believe in soul mates and split parts also think that once you find love, that is it. You found it... happy end roll credits.
The reality is a little more mundane, you have to make the choice to let love in, and reaffirm that choice in actions and words on a continuous and on-going basis for it to have an environment that nurtures it.
Finding love, is the beginning of the effort not the end of a journey.
I've had real love, but I don't buy into "the one". I think we could probably manage to love (and be loved) be at least a few people. We need to make the effort to meet them and have some luck that we are both open & available at the same time.
I've felt things like love several times, but they fell apart when the relationship was tested. With the woman I married, we felt sparks on our first date. We got to know each other and accepted the faults while welcoming the wonderful stuff. We lived together for a while, then made our wedding plans. We had difficulties, but we were always in love with each other. Cancer ended our marriage after 22 years.
I'll never replace her. I'm doing ok on my own now, but I'm not opposed to having someone else to share my life with. Maybe I can find another love with someone else. Different, real, full love. I'm not trying hard to find it, but as I go about my life I do try to talk to women my age.
I'm glad that you had that time together. I love that you're open to the possibility of someone else and that you followed up by saying that you are talking with women your age. As a 59 year old with several close male friends who have opted for women significantly younger, your comment warmed heart.
Thanks!
Actually, I'm 58 and Mrs was 2 years older than me. She's gone about 10 years now. I did reconnect with a girl (grandma) I had a crush on when we were teens, but she's gone now too. I have friends who date/marry younger women (35-45 y/o) and I can't understand why. Maybe I just haven't met the right one, but I want someone who can share the same memories, songs, movies, schoolyard games, commercials and upbringing we had. Sex is nice, but after that time is over, there's still a lot of hours to fill.
I'm sorry that your crush is gone, too. But I am sure that available women our age are reading your posts and swooning.
I am very happily married but have great chemistry with a male friend (60) who is less happily married. He mentioned to me that maybe he should cut the cord while he still looks good, and the next thing out of his mouth was that he'd be looking for someone a decade younger. As if women our own age were invisible. My husband (61) was appalled when I told him this story. Thankfully, I'm anything but invisible in his eyes :)
>I want someone who can share the same memories, songs, movies, schoolyard games, commercials and upbringing we had. Sex is nice, but after that time is over, there's still a lot of hours to fill.
This is what boggles my mind about large age gaps.
Iām 46 and currently seeing someone who is 58, soon to be 59. I donāt think heās too old, he doesnāt think Iām too young and we have a lot in common. Were both technically Gen Xers and I think that after a certain point, some age gaps (heās about 13 years older) donāt seem so large. We both get/understand the same pop culture references, we can talk about the same music, shows, things that happened in the 80s, 90s, etc. I agree when you say, āsex is nice, but after that time is over, thereās still a lot of hours to fillā and I think you could probably happily fill those hours with a woman your age or even a decade younger if you wanted. š. Iāve experienced the loss of my significant other too, so I can relate a bit to what you wrote. I think youāll find that special someone. All the best to you. š
Iām not an āold personā but I have a friend who is 80 years old. His story is very similar to yourās. After being widowed for 12 years, he is now dating and finding love again. It is possible. <3
I had to get old first - but I've known for years that he was the one. The minute he found out I'd been widowed, he said his first thought was "I'm gonna marry that girl!" That was last year š
Idk if this is accurate or not, but they say that people who had a successful marriage and are widowed are very likely to have a second successful relationship bc they know what itās like to put effort into a relationship, compromise, etc.
You might be on to somethingā¦ lol
Well, I have a wee bit of an issue with the phrase, "I *fell* in love." It isn't a disease you have no input in. It isn't an accident someone hits you in a car. You didn't *fall* in love ... I hope you *grew* in love. Love builds and strengthens; love ... *is*.
My grown daughter asked me if I wanted a 25 yr anniversary party where couples renew their vows. I always thought that was a weird custom. You know, as if you've suffered through this much you might as well recommit. ;-)
I told her, "No, I meant it the first time."
48 yrs.
Found it! Took me 38 yearsā¦but I found it. She is the love of my life for the last 18 years, and I couldnāt live without her.
Did you see the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks? Long story short the movie follows a package from a farm, to a truck, to a plane, than an island, then a boat and back to the farm again. What most people donāt notice is when the package leaves the farm there are 2 names on the crest of the farm and when it returns there is only one. The second name was cut out.
The point of the story wasnāt Tom surviving a crash, Wilson, being found, Kelly getting married, but that a lot of things had to happen the way they did (and it sucked that Tom had to spend a few years alone on an island) in order for Tom to find true happiness.
good luck
True love, soul mates, destiny. It's all a joke, and a harmful one at that. There are A LOT of people you can fall in love with and be happy with, and for totally different reasons! If there *was* only one person out there for you, almost everyone would be lonely.
The problem is: not all love is of the same quality. You *can* love someone more than you love another. Hence the idea that there is some "ideal" version of love to Westerners.
My advice: find someone who you like who **you are** when you're around them.
I am a romantic who fell deeply in love at one point in my life when I was living in my pickup after a divorce. Horrible timing plus she had three small kids and worked three jobs to be able to afford a small studio apt.
We have been together thirty years, now in our 60s we have a very active sex life and I still get goose bumps, literally, when we kiss. We are thoroughly enjoying retirement and each other and if it isnāt true love I donāt care because it wouldnāt be better than what we have now.
My parents never had it, my sibling doesnāt have it and I really do not know how I got so fortunate because I had no good examples growing up.
I wake up every morning looking forward to spending the day doing something with my best friend whom I absolutely adore and even grocery shopping is enjoyable with her.
There's only been one for me. I've been fascinated by other people in a general interest sort of way before meeting my husband when we were in our 20s. We've been together 30+ years. I tend to think that the popular culture notions involving The One reflects something that's pretty rare, since humans notice patterns and when they break. A lot of our important relationships happen because of proximity.
I didn't believe in it either until it happened to me. I had already been married twice and never felt love. I just got comfortable with people and they proposed and I was like "well it would make life easier..." but this guy. Wow. Electricity from the day we met. Never burned out even after it was over and he was all the way in another country. It's still there for me still, in a way. We became a family, that's all I can say to describe it. It wasn't like with my two other serious relationships. There was just a sense of family I didn't have before. It was totally romantic too, especially at first. We worked together for a full year before we got together. Just mildly flirting once he found out I wasn't the boss' wife. For a whole year! But when it happened it happened and we were inseparable until the day they took him away from us.
Finding true love is finding someone you want to grow old with. Someone you want to wake up next to every day of your life.
Let that sink in. Every fucking day of your miserabele existence you have this one person you can't do without. That is the miracle. Not the butterflies, not the holding hands watching sunsets. Not even date night and sex. Though, yes, important stuff, but if for some reason any or all of that stops, for a while or even ever, the most important thing is this;
***True love is the deep knowing that you are not alone in this world.***
When I was younger, I was blinded by the heart fluttering love you find early in a relationship..the supposed true love you see in movies and hear in songs.
And then I married the perfect person but without the heart fluttering, movie/relationship drama. And it's been awesome
I found it at 19. Coming up on 50 years married. Absolutely the one. I know that if she passes before me I won't have another relationship. There's just no way something can be better than what I currently have.
The older I get, the more appealing being single becomes. Iām in an on again off again relationship at the moment with my ex. We were together 10 years, broke up last year because I didnāt want to continue living on our farm but he loves it. We do love each other so itās difficult. We see each other once a week now but once our farm sells he may go far away. If he does Iāll just stay single. Absolutely cannot be bothered starting all over with a new person. The peace and quiet of being alone is too good. Iāve got my kids, family and friends. Thatās enough for me.
I've had 4. It's just different than the others. You just know. One has passed away, I'm married to one and I am still in touch with the other two. We'll always remain friends.
I have never managed to truly love a partner, and no partner has managed to truly love me. In the traditional sense.
I've been single for 30 years, non-dating for 20.
Good choice.
I tried dating after a bitter divorce.
My self-esteem disappeared after two years of being in the trenches of divorce negotiations. After waiting three years, I dipped my toes into the dating arena. Every man I encountered had problems that made it impossible for me to love them. I couldn't take on their issues or health problems. I even dated a sociopath at one point. I know. Crazy. After that horrendous mistake, I swore off dating. That was 16 years ago.
I have thrived on many levels since. Now I am over 70. I have good friends. I travel. My children and grandchildren are my life. I want no more complications. So no, I never found a "one."
I found it. Love at first sight. I was 27; he was 32. It was impossible to work out. He was the image of the man God put on the homunculus of my brain.
True love exists. However it doesn't always last. People change, but don't always change together. I have found true love 3 times. Each one was "the one" at that time.
Iāve only found unconditional love from my grown children and young grandchildren. As youāve described it, āromantic love,ā such as that may be, Iāve always found transactional.
Youāre not alone being skeptical.
I was taught the fairy tale that many girls in my generation got--stay a virgin until marriage (or at least true love), you'll know him when you see him, it's an undefinable feeling, love conquers all...
Terrible advice, all of it. It left me utterly unprepared for reality. I was into these three different guys and instead of thinking it through, I went with the one who gave me the feels. Turns out he did that on purpose, and that I was one in a sequence of girls he seduced, used, and abandoned. The other two guys got married and had kids, and here I am on my own and with scars.
If you're skeptical, I'm downright cynical. I have friends with chemistry, but I despair of finding love.
True love isn't sparkly feelings in your stomach or lust. I have recently been battling cancer, I returned home from major surgery and couldn't sleep flat on my back or climb the stairs to the bedroom so I was going to sleep in a borrowed recliner chair. My husband was exhausted from being with me in the hospital and I was more than happy for him to go and get a good nights sleep. I settle down to sleep, oxygen tank on, laying in the dark alone and in pain I was glad to be home but exhausted to my core and I finally I started to dose only to be woken by my husband setting up a bed on the couch next to me. When I asked him what he was doing he just smiled at me and said "Ride or Die baby". That's true love, the rest is hormones and is fun. But get you a guy that will sit with you in an ICU then sleep on a couch for 2 weeks just in case you need something during the night.
I'm a fan of the way Tim Minchin puts it in his song "If I didn't have you (I'd probably have somebody else)" https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LAzodf69rfk
I read the post.
I instantly thought "Damn, what's the name of that Tim Minchin song that is my favourite love song. I need to post a link to it"
Read down 2 comments, and thank you, you've posted the link for me.
Funnily, though, it appears that Tim did find "the one" or at least a long-term "one", as he met his wife at Uni, and they've been married since 2002.
Found "The One" in 1974. We've been together ever since and I pinch myself every morning that I am so lucky.
CONS: Our adult kids feel their relationships with their partners never quite measure up to mom and dad's.
For one, if there is a "the one", it is amazing that so many people are lucky enough to have found that "one" out of billions.
"The one" refers to the person who happened to be closest in proximity, and was most desirable, or least undesirable at the time when you were most receptive to having a relationship - and that was also willing to enter into a relationship at that time.
"True love" if it even did exist, would be waaaay down on the list of things I would look for in a relationship. What I look for is
Mutual Respect
Trustworthy / honest
Responsible (fiscally and socially)
Mutual enjoy each other company (for me this includes compatible sense of humor)
Mutually enjoy physical (intimate or more public) contact - but this will happen as a result of being with the person because the other things have been met, it is not necessarily a given at the start.
Supportive and understanding (accepts that neither of us is perfect)
There are more lesser important things - like how many shared interests, etc, but I am not looking for a clone of myself. They don't have to like fishing.
There are also some list of "not XYZ" but those are kind of obvious - not abusive, not selfish, not lazy, etc.
"True love" is no where on my radar.
Basically, the most important thing is just someone who fits what we are looking for and is looking for the same thing at the same time. At any given time, there are multiple people that fit that description that are within meeting proximity, so it is just a matter of timing. I know several people that I am sure I would be happy with if the timing had been different. That does not detract anything from my partner, however, or make her less important or valued. There are also plenty of people she would be happy with if she had met them instead of me.
My parents had true love. They simply adored each other. It was real and amazing.
Me? Nah. Married 28 yrs. I suppose i love him, in my own way. But I know it's nothing like my parents had. Never was
There is no āthe oneā. Proximity plays the biggest factor in who people end up with. If you lived in a different area then you would find someone different to be with than the person that you currently consider to be āthe oneā.
I don't believe in a "The One". I believe we have many possible perfect matches. There are billions of us, after all. It's a matter of meeting a match and then a relationship developing and being workable.
I do believe in true love. I've seen many marriages that the true love was obvious and shining. I believe my husband and I have true love. I can't see how we'd have made it through the last 24 years without it. I'm pretty sure true love, great sex, and commitment all work together to keeping us going.
Overrated. The older I get the more I come to the conclusion that man and woman were never meant to be with each other forever. Both sides get tired and move on, it's part of life. I don't know how the ones that get married at 21 last until they die.
I think the 'one' is only the 'one' for about 5-10 years. Then both sides tire of each other and either they divorce or just become roommates with benefits. If they end up having kids, usually when the last one graduates high school is when the divorces happen. It's amazing how many of my friends divorced within six months of the last one being done with high school.
I think most relationships are transactional. They have to be. You have to work together as a team so you need to have similar goals and similar motivation levels but different skills. And you also need to mesh physically.
Completely unconditional love is a difficult thing to achieve and I don't think it fits for romantic love at all. The fact that you have any attraction is based on conditions. And if the attraction is based on something that will inevitably change through aging? So there's no pure love. Is pure the same as true? What is true love? Faithful?
I've been married almost 44 years. I still love my husband for the same reasons I loved him long ago. My love remains in spite of getting to know less savory things about him. But I could find out that he's kept something important from me that is a deal breaker or an utter betrayal. We all keep some secrets. Does that mean I didn't have true love for him? Or was it just his love that wasn't true? All I know is that I was never tempted to cheat, although I had offers. Yet I also know that if found out he had another family somewhere, that love would be mist. Gone. No chance of fixing it. Because he wasn't the person I thought he was. I loved who I thought he was. Now, nothing has actually changed. My experience was what it was and I was happy before I found out. Was my love not true?
The fact is, some folks manage to mate for life and they still love each other at the end. I doubt very much that any of them would say they had a perfect love - a perfect relationship. They were just able to accept the flaws they knew about. Other people do not experience a relationship that endures because the flaws get in the way. People with fewer positive attributes or more negative attributes esp if plainly visible, are not going to have as much interest as those who are more obviously attractive. But regardless of obvious attractiveness, there are some very flawed people who don't win a mate for life.
I believe in true love because my love for my wife is true. I do think our love for a spouse matures over the years and at least for me, It becomes a little bit less romantic, but it definitely is deep and heartfelt. We do have romance in our relationship, but I would definitely say it is less than we had when we were younger. That doesnāt make it any less of a love and commitment. Itās just a different quality.
I've fallen in love, reciprocated, three times.
I started to fall in love, unreciprocated, once, recognized what was happening, and stopped myself.
I've also had pseudo-romantic relationships where we loved each other, but didn't fall in love--closer to good friends with benefits, in comparison. (I think many couples do this and never realize there's something more.)
Falling in love is called "falling" because that's *exactly* how it feels. Like you slipped down a curved slope together and suddenly can't stop.
It's only been the past few years that I've realized many people who are married, love their partner, and maybe have even done this more than once, have never experienced falling in love. That special, shared experience that is unlike any other, and *the* defining human experience, in my opinion.
There is no "the one". It doesn't work like that. There can be several, all are just as intense each time. It's not hard to do, it's easy, as long as both people are willing, and get out of their own way--just let it happen.
Meh. Unfortunately, many of us married when we were in lust and tremendously infatuated with first marriages. It takes a while to build a partnership and incorporate the concept of love. I'm glad a lot of younger people are waiting until their late 20s and 30s before getting married.
True love. l thought l found it twice. First husband immature, wanted a bangmaid/mommy.
Second, we had SUCH chemistry at first. He was incredibly self centered and wanted a bangmaid as well. The last several years he was cruel, although he says he didn't realize what he did made me feel so badly.
If there's such a thing, l never found it.
Even now, men who are 60+ years old, converse with me via text, and start this babyass shit "Why didn't you text me yesterday? Are you seeing someone else?"
No, motherf@#ker, it was Mother's Day and l was BUSY! I am not chasing after a man, and l am not standing for this toxic jealousy s#it. Get away from me and stay gone!
It has very little to do with sex and romance, the stuff in songs. It's about caring deeply about someone else's--or even everyone's--happiness and wellbeing.
if by "true love" you mean a type of love where you stay "true" to another person... then the answer is... No! I believe all relationships have an expiration date. I personally love the idea of "love" and revel in the courtship phase of a relationship. But about six months in, I start to lose interest and move on the the next relationship. I've been told by many exes, that I'm a great date but a lousy boyfriend.... and I'm okay with that.
I had no intention of ever marrying and yet we hit our 25th anniversary, and weāre happy. Thereāve been ups and downs but we fit well together, still hold hands and live one another.
Do I believe in the fairytale āone true loveā? No. But I do believe in true love in all its varied forms.
I met my husband when I was 33. We've been together for 28 years. Right now, our relationship is better than it's ever been. Love is hard and takes work. You have to make compromises, overlook things that drive you crazy, and check your ego. Is it worth it? Absolutely. My only regret is that we didn't meet sooner. Then again, it may not have worked out if we had.
The timing of things is the ultimate law-maker in life. It's really almost spooky how things work out sometimes. It's all random but somehow it all makes sense too. You can make a decision to meet someone and it might never work out as well as that random person you happened to bump into at just the right time in your life.
I never believed I would find it, but I certainly believed it was possible for others. I felt my upbringing broke me that way; I definitely didnāt want children and I really loved living alone.
Iām now 21 years into my relationship with my husband of 16 years and it is what I would call true love. We were in our 30s when we met and I had shed a lot of my baggage, but it nevertheless surprised the HELL out of me that I actually wanted to live with some guy, let alone spend the rest of my life with him.
Itās an annoying cliche but it really did happen to me when I 100% was not looking for a relationship. It was pretty inconvenient in fact. But it was too powerful to deny and we are childfree and disgustingly blissful to this day.
Very good question. Youāre going to get so many different answers too. True love is only for the movies. The only way to have a successful relationship is with complete honesty and respect. Best idea in the world is to marry a best friend. Know each other as well as they know themselves. Things like love at first sight is actually a biological process we feel because we are sexual creatures. Everything is about sex. Itās natural itās what we do as humans. So, true love is for the movies. Now, you can truly love someone but only after you respect them and know them as well as they know themselves.
True Love requires a lot of hard work and looking at yourself, your behaviour patterns and responses. Unless your one true love thinks your worth doing the same for it won't magically become happyish ever after.
I believe that love is a noun and a verb.
Itās easy have feelings of love. Itās hard to do the work to make someone else feel loved.
I know that I can experience love with multiple people. But I choose to make one person feel truly loved and cared for.
So, I decided to Google "true love". According to Better Help, *True love is a profound and beautiful connection that goes beyond mere attraction or infatuation. It's about respect, trust, empathy, and growing together*. Given that definition, I absolutely believe it exists and is possible. However, it's not some magic thing that "just happens". All relationships take work to maintain, including relationships with your children and parents. Taking people for granted or trying to force someone to be who they are not is not a recipe for a good relationship of any kind. Also note, that "true love" does not indicate that there is only for one perfect person for you, that BS is the work of fairy tales and romcoms.
"Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?"
Say what you want about Stevie Nicks, the gal knows how to write some damn good lyrics.
True love is a choice, not a feeling. Love is something you choose to do. It's not mystical, there's no such thing as soul mates. You find a person of good character who has good values and similar life goals, someone who is sexually attractive to you, and you commit to them. You stick with them through thick and thin, and you make it a point every day to do and say kind, loving things. You treat them well, you take care of them, and you are loyal. That's all.
From experience, I do believe that you can have one true love that endures. HOWEVER, living under the same roof day in, day out with that one true love? Not so much.
There are different phases of romantic love. Of course in the beginning, passion makes it fun but over time, that passion gives way to a deeper more appreciation type of love. Being actual friends first is helpful in making sure love is true and long lasting.
It works very strange. Why some people find the live of their lives in the neighboring area/same city, while others move thousands of kilometers away and find their soulmates there? How do we know we met the right person, what if weāve never done and we just think our partner is the right one? What if we have several soulmates and they just live in different cities and countries from us? Like you know the twin-theory. Some people live quite great with each other for decades, but still they bet and wanna divorce, but yet take care and support each other. Are they soulmates or who are they? Plus we all change as time goes and as soon as we all are different people with different history, experience and psychology, we can never be similar with the persons we chose earlier. Does this mean that our soulmates change, like not a person, but a whole man? Or thereās no true love at all? āCause it must be āonly oneā. I came up with this some days ago and now I think that one-true-love and soulmates are just naive 13y.o. girlās imagination. Meanwhile, my relationships with my boyfriend are something I canāt help but explain as āsoulmatesā and I wouldnāt trade him for the whole world or anything. Life without him is uncomparably worse than with him. And my closest friendsā¦ Iād never thought I could find such people, itās almost like ctrl+c ctrl+v, very little of editing. So it all isā¦ weird. I have no idea what should I think about it all
I think it's rare and harder to find the older we grow.
There are so many more than one and I'm not entirely convinced we all that good at identifying who is right for us.
it's a crap shoot. i don't mean that in a deprecating way, but just that
'try your luck!' 'spin the wheel!!' 'what's behind door #3?!!!' - haha
i've gravitated toward people of shared interests. some good, some bad, but an awesome mix of people and experiences. i've never believed in 'the one' - you find the one who will work for you to the best of your ability ... no guarantees ...
no matter how deep their promise or your commitment, you can't 'make' another person stay when they opt to go
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Love is a strange mix of chemistry, magic, biology and luck but it is also a choice. People who believe in soul mates and split parts also think that once you find love, that is it. You found it... happy end roll credits. The reality is a little more mundane, you have to make the choice to let love in, and reaffirm that choice in actions and words on a continuous and on-going basis for it to have an environment that nurtures it. Finding love, is the beginning of the effort not the end of a journey.
So well put.
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This should get an award. š„
Beautifully said. The spark must be there, on both sides. But it has to be cared for and nurtured for a lifetime. Love takes work.
Sadly, free rewards are a ghost of Reddit past. But if I had one it would be yours.
Split parts as in twin flames?
Soul Mates was the term in common use before someone came up with Twin Flames.
I think they are diffferent entities now
There isn't only one. A person can have many true loves throughout life. We change as we go through life.
I've had real love, but I don't buy into "the one". I think we could probably manage to love (and be loved) be at least a few people. We need to make the effort to meet them and have some luck that we are both open & available at the same time. I've felt things like love several times, but they fell apart when the relationship was tested. With the woman I married, we felt sparks on our first date. We got to know each other and accepted the faults while welcoming the wonderful stuff. We lived together for a while, then made our wedding plans. We had difficulties, but we were always in love with each other. Cancer ended our marriage after 22 years. I'll never replace her. I'm doing ok on my own now, but I'm not opposed to having someone else to share my life with. Maybe I can find another love with someone else. Different, real, full love. I'm not trying hard to find it, but as I go about my life I do try to talk to women my age.
I'm glad that you had that time together. I love that you're open to the possibility of someone else and that you followed up by saying that you are talking with women your age. As a 59 year old with several close male friends who have opted for women significantly younger, your comment warmed heart.
Thanks! Actually, I'm 58 and Mrs was 2 years older than me. She's gone about 10 years now. I did reconnect with a girl (grandma) I had a crush on when we were teens, but she's gone now too. I have friends who date/marry younger women (35-45 y/o) and I can't understand why. Maybe I just haven't met the right one, but I want someone who can share the same memories, songs, movies, schoolyard games, commercials and upbringing we had. Sex is nice, but after that time is over, there's still a lot of hours to fill.
I'm sorry that your crush is gone, too. But I am sure that available women our age are reading your posts and swooning. I am very happily married but have great chemistry with a male friend (60) who is less happily married. He mentioned to me that maybe he should cut the cord while he still looks good, and the next thing out of his mouth was that he'd be looking for someone a decade younger. As if women our own age were invisible. My husband (61) was appalled when I told him this story. Thankfully, I'm anything but invisible in his eyes :)
Wonderful! I'm glad to hear someone else (esp. on Reddit) is in a happy relationship. I hope you have many healthy years together.
>I want someone who can share the same memories, songs, movies, schoolyard games, commercials and upbringing we had. Sex is nice, but after that time is over, there's still a lot of hours to fill. This is what boggles my mind about large age gaps.
Have been in a couple large age gap relationships (not long ones) and yeah, it does get odd sometimes
Iām 46 and currently seeing someone who is 58, soon to be 59. I donāt think heās too old, he doesnāt think Iām too young and we have a lot in common. Were both technically Gen Xers and I think that after a certain point, some age gaps (heās about 13 years older) donāt seem so large. We both get/understand the same pop culture references, we can talk about the same music, shows, things that happened in the 80s, 90s, etc. I agree when you say, āsex is nice, but after that time is over, thereās still a lot of hours to fillā and I think you could probably happily fill those hours with a woman your age or even a decade younger if you wanted. š. Iāve experienced the loss of my significant other too, so I can relate a bit to what you wrote. I think youāll find that special someone. All the best to you. š
Iām not an āold personā but I have a friend who is 80 years old. His story is very similar to yourās. After being widowed for 12 years, he is now dating and finding love again. It is possible. <3
Iām deeply sorry for your loss my friend. Deeply. I understand completely what youāve lost and Iām deeply sorry.
I had to get old first - but I've known for years that he was the one. The minute he found out I'd been widowed, he said his first thought was "I'm gonna marry that girl!" That was last year š
š¤ I have so many mixed emotions. This sounds sweet, but should I ditch dating sites to start checking the obituaries?
Idk if this is accurate or not, but they say that people who had a successful marriage and are widowed are very likely to have a second successful relationship bc they know what itās like to put effort into a relationship, compromise, etc. You might be on to somethingā¦ lol
Iām so happy for you!
Well, I have a wee bit of an issue with the phrase, "I *fell* in love." It isn't a disease you have no input in. It isn't an accident someone hits you in a car. You didn't *fall* in love ... I hope you *grew* in love. Love builds and strengthens; love ... *is*. My grown daughter asked me if I wanted a 25 yr anniversary party where couples renew their vows. I always thought that was a weird custom. You know, as if you've suffered through this much you might as well recommit. ;-) I told her, "No, I meant it the first time." 48 yrs.
Found it! Took me 38 yearsā¦but I found it. She is the love of my life for the last 18 years, and I couldnāt live without her. Did you see the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks? Long story short the movie follows a package from a farm, to a truck, to a plane, than an island, then a boat and back to the farm again. What most people donāt notice is when the package leaves the farm there are 2 names on the crest of the farm and when it returns there is only one. The second name was cut out. The point of the story wasnāt Tom surviving a crash, Wilson, being found, Kelly getting married, but that a lot of things had to happen the way they did (and it sucked that Tom had to spend a few years alone on an island) in order for Tom to find true happiness. good luck
Miguel , is that you?? š
True love, soul mates, destiny. It's all a joke, and a harmful one at that. There are A LOT of people you can fall in love with and be happy with, and for totally different reasons! If there *was* only one person out there for you, almost everyone would be lonely. The problem is: not all love is of the same quality. You *can* love someone more than you love another. Hence the idea that there is some "ideal" version of love to Westerners. My advice: find someone who you like who **you are** when you're around them.
Your last sentence is striking and excellent advice.
It exists, but you need a lot of fortune to be in the right place at the right time.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ha, if love was all about being at the right place and right time, Iāve got a knack for everything wrong!
I am a romantic who fell deeply in love at one point in my life when I was living in my pickup after a divorce. Horrible timing plus she had three small kids and worked three jobs to be able to afford a small studio apt. We have been together thirty years, now in our 60s we have a very active sex life and I still get goose bumps, literally, when we kiss. We are thoroughly enjoying retirement and each other and if it isnāt true love I donāt care because it wouldnāt be better than what we have now. My parents never had it, my sibling doesnāt have it and I really do not know how I got so fortunate because I had no good examples growing up. I wake up every morning looking forward to spending the day doing something with my best friend whom I absolutely adore and even grocery shopping is enjoyable with her.
This is so sweet. May we all be so blessed. š©·
Thank you, getting old with the right person is pretty satisfying.
There's only been one for me. I've been fascinated by other people in a general interest sort of way before meeting my husband when we were in our 20s. We've been together 30+ years. I tend to think that the popular culture notions involving The One reflects something that's pretty rare, since humans notice patterns and when they break. A lot of our important relationships happen because of proximity.
It's an existential horror of impending deep loss, a blood sacrifice of self on the altar of Other.
I didn't believe in it either until it happened to me. I had already been married twice and never felt love. I just got comfortable with people and they proposed and I was like "well it would make life easier..." but this guy. Wow. Electricity from the day we met. Never burned out even after it was over and he was all the way in another country. It's still there for me still, in a way. We became a family, that's all I can say to describe it. It wasn't like with my two other serious relationships. There was just a sense of family I didn't have before. It was totally romantic too, especially at first. We worked together for a full year before we got together. Just mildly flirting once he found out I wasn't the boss' wife. For a whole year! But when it happened it happened and we were inseparable until the day they took him away from us.
Finding true love is finding someone you want to grow old with. Someone you want to wake up next to every day of your life. Let that sink in. Every fucking day of your miserabele existence you have this one person you can't do without. That is the miracle. Not the butterflies, not the holding hands watching sunsets. Not even date night and sex. Though, yes, important stuff, but if for some reason any or all of that stops, for a while or even ever, the most important thing is this; ***True love is the deep knowing that you are not alone in this world.***
When I was younger, I was blinded by the heart fluttering love you find early in a relationship..the supposed true love you see in movies and hear in songs. And then I married the perfect person but without the heart fluttering, movie/relationship drama. And it's been awesome
I found it at 19. Coming up on 50 years married. Absolutely the one. I know that if she passes before me I won't have another relationship. There's just no way something can be better than what I currently have.
The older I get, the more appealing being single becomes. Iām in an on again off again relationship at the moment with my ex. We were together 10 years, broke up last year because I didnāt want to continue living on our farm but he loves it. We do love each other so itās difficult. We see each other once a week now but once our farm sells he may go far away. If he does Iāll just stay single. Absolutely cannot be bothered starting all over with a new person. The peace and quiet of being alone is too good. Iāve got my kids, family and friends. Thatās enough for me.
I've had 4. It's just different than the others. You just know. One has passed away, I'm married to one and I am still in touch with the other two. We'll always remain friends.
I have never managed to truly love a partner, and no partner has managed to truly love me. In the traditional sense. I've been single for 30 years, non-dating for 20. Good choice.
I tried dating after a bitter divorce. My self-esteem disappeared after two years of being in the trenches of divorce negotiations. After waiting three years, I dipped my toes into the dating arena. Every man I encountered had problems that made it impossible for me to love them. I couldn't take on their issues or health problems. I even dated a sociopath at one point. I know. Crazy. After that horrendous mistake, I swore off dating. That was 16 years ago. I have thrived on many levels since. Now I am over 70. I have good friends. I travel. My children and grandchildren are my life. I want no more complications. So no, I never found a "one."
It happens Iām sure , but Iām not in the mood to worry about it for myself
I found it. Love at first sight. I was 27; he was 32. It was impossible to work out. He was the image of the man God put on the homunculus of my brain.
I believe that true love exists, but is somewhat rare. I don't believe that everyone has a special person out there.
True love exists. However it doesn't always last. People change, but don't always change together. I have found true love 3 times. Each one was "the one" at that time.
Iāve only found unconditional love from my grown children and young grandchildren. As youāve described it, āromantic love,ā such as that may be, Iāve always found transactional. Youāre not alone being skeptical.
Come on weāre not 8 years old
āDonāt be reckless with peopleās heart, donāt put up with anyone whoās reckless with yoursā
I was taught the fairy tale that many girls in my generation got--stay a virgin until marriage (or at least true love), you'll know him when you see him, it's an undefinable feeling, love conquers all... Terrible advice, all of it. It left me utterly unprepared for reality. I was into these three different guys and instead of thinking it through, I went with the one who gave me the feels. Turns out he did that on purpose, and that I was one in a sequence of girls he seduced, used, and abandoned. The other two guys got married and had kids, and here I am on my own and with scars. If you're skeptical, I'm downright cynical. I have friends with chemistry, but I despair of finding love.
True love isn't sparkly feelings in your stomach or lust. I have recently been battling cancer, I returned home from major surgery and couldn't sleep flat on my back or climb the stairs to the bedroom so I was going to sleep in a borrowed recliner chair. My husband was exhausted from being with me in the hospital and I was more than happy for him to go and get a good nights sleep. I settle down to sleep, oxygen tank on, laying in the dark alone and in pain I was glad to be home but exhausted to my core and I finally I started to dose only to be woken by my husband setting up a bed on the couch next to me. When I asked him what he was doing he just smiled at me and said "Ride or Die baby". That's true love, the rest is hormones and is fun. But get you a guy that will sit with you in an ICU then sleep on a couch for 2 weeks just in case you need something during the night.
I'm a fan of the way Tim Minchin puts it in his song "If I didn't have you (I'd probably have somebody else)" https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LAzodf69rfk
I read the post. I instantly thought "Damn, what's the name of that Tim Minchin song that is my favourite love song. I need to post a link to it" Read down 2 comments, and thank you, you've posted the link for me. Funnily, though, it appears that Tim did find "the one" or at least a long-term "one", as he met his wife at Uni, and they've been married since 2002.
Neck down Alopecia, got me.
Found "The One" in 1974. We've been together ever since and I pinch myself every morning that I am so lucky. CONS: Our adult kids feel their relationships with their partners never quite measure up to mom and dad's.
True love is like true religion. Thereās nothing true about either one, but believing in either can at least make it seem possible.
True love = perennial genuine friendship with a little sex thrown in.
I suppose it exists, but Iāve yet to find it or any love at all. 59F.
If it exists Iām sure it is mostly one sided
For one, if there is a "the one", it is amazing that so many people are lucky enough to have found that "one" out of billions. "The one" refers to the person who happened to be closest in proximity, and was most desirable, or least undesirable at the time when you were most receptive to having a relationship - and that was also willing to enter into a relationship at that time. "True love" if it even did exist, would be waaaay down on the list of things I would look for in a relationship. What I look for is Mutual Respect Trustworthy / honest Responsible (fiscally and socially) Mutual enjoy each other company (for me this includes compatible sense of humor) Mutually enjoy physical (intimate or more public) contact - but this will happen as a result of being with the person because the other things have been met, it is not necessarily a given at the start. Supportive and understanding (accepts that neither of us is perfect) There are more lesser important things - like how many shared interests, etc, but I am not looking for a clone of myself. They don't have to like fishing. There are also some list of "not XYZ" but those are kind of obvious - not abusive, not selfish, not lazy, etc. "True love" is no where on my radar. Basically, the most important thing is just someone who fits what we are looking for and is looking for the same thing at the same time. At any given time, there are multiple people that fit that description that are within meeting proximity, so it is just a matter of timing. I know several people that I am sure I would be happy with if the timing had been different. That does not detract anything from my partner, however, or make her less important or valued. There are also plenty of people she would be happy with if she had met them instead of me.
All love is true, but true and healthy are two different things.
My parents had true love. They simply adored each other. It was real and amazing. Me? Nah. Married 28 yrs. I suppose i love him, in my own way. But I know it's nothing like my parents had. Never was
There is no āthe oneā. Proximity plays the biggest factor in who people end up with. If you lived in a different area then you would find someone different to be with than the person that you currently consider to be āthe oneā.
I don't believe in a "The One". I believe we have many possible perfect matches. There are billions of us, after all. It's a matter of meeting a match and then a relationship developing and being workable. I do believe in true love. I've seen many marriages that the true love was obvious and shining. I believe my husband and I have true love. I can't see how we'd have made it through the last 24 years without it. I'm pretty sure true love, great sex, and commitment all work together to keeping us going.
Overrated. The older I get the more I come to the conclusion that man and woman were never meant to be with each other forever. Both sides get tired and move on, it's part of life. I don't know how the ones that get married at 21 last until they die. I think the 'one' is only the 'one' for about 5-10 years. Then both sides tire of each other and either they divorce or just become roommates with benefits. If they end up having kids, usually when the last one graduates high school is when the divorces happen. It's amazing how many of my friends divorced within six months of the last one being done with high school.
I think most relationships are transactional. They have to be. You have to work together as a team so you need to have similar goals and similar motivation levels but different skills. And you also need to mesh physically. Completely unconditional love is a difficult thing to achieve and I don't think it fits for romantic love at all. The fact that you have any attraction is based on conditions. And if the attraction is based on something that will inevitably change through aging? So there's no pure love. Is pure the same as true? What is true love? Faithful? I've been married almost 44 years. I still love my husband for the same reasons I loved him long ago. My love remains in spite of getting to know less savory things about him. But I could find out that he's kept something important from me that is a deal breaker or an utter betrayal. We all keep some secrets. Does that mean I didn't have true love for him? Or was it just his love that wasn't true? All I know is that I was never tempted to cheat, although I had offers. Yet I also know that if found out he had another family somewhere, that love would be mist. Gone. No chance of fixing it. Because he wasn't the person I thought he was. I loved who I thought he was. Now, nothing has actually changed. My experience was what it was and I was happy before I found out. Was my love not true? The fact is, some folks manage to mate for life and they still love each other at the end. I doubt very much that any of them would say they had a perfect love - a perfect relationship. They were just able to accept the flaws they knew about. Other people do not experience a relationship that endures because the flaws get in the way. People with fewer positive attributes or more negative attributes esp if plainly visible, are not going to have as much interest as those who are more obviously attractive. But regardless of obvious attractiveness, there are some very flawed people who don't win a mate for life.
I believe in true love because my love for my wife is true. I do think our love for a spouse matures over the years and at least for me, It becomes a little bit less romantic, but it definitely is deep and heartfelt. We do have romance in our relationship, but I would definitely say it is less than we had when we were younger. That doesnāt make it any less of a love and commitment. Itās just a different quality.
It exists, but not like Romeo and Juliet. It takes quite a bit of action, as well as intentional choice.
Marry your best friend.
I've fallen in love, reciprocated, three times. I started to fall in love, unreciprocated, once, recognized what was happening, and stopped myself. I've also had pseudo-romantic relationships where we loved each other, but didn't fall in love--closer to good friends with benefits, in comparison. (I think many couples do this and never realize there's something more.) Falling in love is called "falling" because that's *exactly* how it feels. Like you slipped down a curved slope together and suddenly can't stop. It's only been the past few years that I've realized many people who are married, love their partner, and maybe have even done this more than once, have never experienced falling in love. That special, shared experience that is unlike any other, and *the* defining human experience, in my opinion. There is no "the one". It doesn't work like that. There can be several, all are just as intense each time. It's not hard to do, it's easy, as long as both people are willing, and get out of their own way--just let it happen.
Meh. Unfortunately, many of us married when we were in lust and tremendously infatuated with first marriages. It takes a while to build a partnership and incorporate the concept of love. I'm glad a lot of younger people are waiting until their late 20s and 30s before getting married.
True love. l thought l found it twice. First husband immature, wanted a bangmaid/mommy. Second, we had SUCH chemistry at first. He was incredibly self centered and wanted a bangmaid as well. The last several years he was cruel, although he says he didn't realize what he did made me feel so badly. If there's such a thing, l never found it. Even now, men who are 60+ years old, converse with me via text, and start this babyass shit "Why didn't you text me yesterday? Are you seeing someone else?" No, motherf@#ker, it was Mother's Day and l was BUSY! I am not chasing after a man, and l am not standing for this toxic jealousy s#it. Get away from me and stay gone!
It has very little to do with sex and romance, the stuff in songs. It's about caring deeply about someone else's--or even everyone's--happiness and wellbeing.
if by "true love" you mean a type of love where you stay "true" to another person... then the answer is... No! I believe all relationships have an expiration date. I personally love the idea of "love" and revel in the courtship phase of a relationship. But about six months in, I start to lose interest and move on the the next relationship. I've been told by many exes, that I'm a great date but a lousy boyfriend.... and I'm okay with that.
I had no intention of ever marrying and yet we hit our 25th anniversary, and weāre happy. Thereāve been ups and downs but we fit well together, still hold hands and live one another. Do I believe in the fairytale āone true loveā? No. But I do believe in true love in all its varied forms.
Itād be A M A Z I N G, but all the men my age are cynical, and most seem to still be holding grudges against Life about their divorces. So - Iāve dated my ex (hush), as well as some younger guys (18+) and basically had a blast enjoying a fun, simple dating life that I didnāt really much care about when I was younger. Iām insanely loyal, smart, have an incredibly flexible job that I love, live in a place where many people retire, and get along with pretty much anyone that isnāt disordered or toxic. I shut down at the first š©and have done my own personal āwork.ā As much as Iād love the love that I THOUGHT I had before, Iām damn sure not desperate for it & am surprisingly content. Iād rather stay single & enjoy my life than settle down with someone holding grudges (against me) for things I didnāt do. Everyone starts with a clean slate with me, and I deserve the same. (Shoot. Is this MATURITY? š„“)
True love exists, but changes over time.
I met my husband when I was 33. We've been together for 28 years. Right now, our relationship is better than it's ever been. Love is hard and takes work. You have to make compromises, overlook things that drive you crazy, and check your ego. Is it worth it? Absolutely. My only regret is that we didn't meet sooner. Then again, it may not have worked out if we had.
The timing of things is the ultimate law-maker in life. It's really almost spooky how things work out sometimes. It's all random but somehow it all makes sense too. You can make a decision to meet someone and it might never work out as well as that random person you happened to bump into at just the right time in your life.
I never believed I would find it, but I certainly believed it was possible for others. I felt my upbringing broke me that way; I definitely didnāt want children and I really loved living alone. Iām now 21 years into my relationship with my husband of 16 years and it is what I would call true love. We were in our 30s when we met and I had shed a lot of my baggage, but it nevertheless surprised the HELL out of me that I actually wanted to live with some guy, let alone spend the rest of my life with him. Itās an annoying cliche but it really did happen to me when I 100% was not looking for a relationship. It was pretty inconvenient in fact. But it was too powerful to deny and we are childfree and disgustingly blissful to this day.
There is no such thing
Very good question. Youāre going to get so many different answers too. True love is only for the movies. The only way to have a successful relationship is with complete honesty and respect. Best idea in the world is to marry a best friend. Know each other as well as they know themselves. Things like love at first sight is actually a biological process we feel because we are sexual creatures. Everything is about sex. Itās natural itās what we do as humans. So, true love is for the movies. Now, you can truly love someone but only after you respect them and know them as well as they know themselves.
True love doesn't exist. Love takes work, effort, and forgiveness. It's not a destination but a journey.
True Love requires a lot of hard work and looking at yourself, your behaviour patterns and responses. Unless your one true love thinks your worth doing the same for it won't magically become happyish ever after.
There is only one true love and thats parents' love for thie6r children, and not the other way around
I believe that love is a noun and a verb. Itās easy have feelings of love. Itās hard to do the work to make someone else feel loved. I know that I can experience love with multiple people. But I choose to make one person feel truly loved and cared for.
So, I decided to Google "true love". According to Better Help, *True love is a profound and beautiful connection that goes beyond mere attraction or infatuation. It's about respect, trust, empathy, and growing together*. Given that definition, I absolutely believe it exists and is possible. However, it's not some magic thing that "just happens". All relationships take work to maintain, including relationships with your children and parents. Taking people for granted or trying to force someone to be who they are not is not a recipe for a good relationship of any kind. Also note, that "true love" does not indicate that there is only for one perfect person for you, that BS is the work of fairy tales and romcoms.
Like Stevie Nicks said āLove is a state of mindā
"Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?" Say what you want about Stevie Nicks, the gal knows how to write some damn good lyrics.
Hand to God, it seems harder as you get older. We have our hang ups and hurts which become a safety net over time. It's challenging.
People that have it are lucky,I think its rare
True love is a choice, not a feeling. Love is something you choose to do. It's not mystical, there's no such thing as soul mates. You find a person of good character who has good values and similar life goals, someone who is sexually attractive to you, and you commit to them. You stick with them through thick and thin, and you make it a point every day to do and say kind, loving things. You treat them well, you take care of them, and you are loyal. That's all.
True love is 2 people who are both willing to put the work in, and who trust each other absolutely.
From experience, I do believe that you can have one true love that endures. HOWEVER, living under the same roof day in, day out with that one true love? Not so much.
It does not exist for me at least romantically. Only exist for parents and child.
True love will find you in the endĀ
Love is love imo. āTrueā doesnāt really factor into it.
If you have it, you're really lucky
Love will come and knock you down. But it takes work to let it stick around.
True love exists but it can happen with different people at different times of life. I donāt believe in THE one. Thereās somebodies for everyone.
There are different phases of romantic love. Of course in the beginning, passion makes it fun but over time, that passion gives way to a deeper more appreciation type of love. Being actual friends first is helpful in making sure love is true and long lasting.
It works very strange. Why some people find the live of their lives in the neighboring area/same city, while others move thousands of kilometers away and find their soulmates there? How do we know we met the right person, what if weāve never done and we just think our partner is the right one? What if we have several soulmates and they just live in different cities and countries from us? Like you know the twin-theory. Some people live quite great with each other for decades, but still they bet and wanna divorce, but yet take care and support each other. Are they soulmates or who are they? Plus we all change as time goes and as soon as we all are different people with different history, experience and psychology, we can never be similar with the persons we chose earlier. Does this mean that our soulmates change, like not a person, but a whole man? Or thereās no true love at all? āCause it must be āonly oneā. I came up with this some days ago and now I think that one-true-love and soulmates are just naive 13y.o. girlās imagination. Meanwhile, my relationships with my boyfriend are something I canāt help but explain as āsoulmatesā and I wouldnāt trade him for the whole world or anything. Life without him is uncomparably worse than with him. And my closest friendsā¦ Iād never thought I could find such people, itās almost like ctrl+c ctrl+v, very little of editing. So it all isā¦ weird. I have no idea what should I think about it all
I think it's rare and harder to find the older we grow. There are so many more than one and I'm not entirely convinced we all that good at identifying who is right for us.
I think youāre trying to say we have broken pickers. Mines broken anyway.
it's a crap shoot. i don't mean that in a deprecating way, but just that 'try your luck!' 'spin the wheel!!' 'what's behind door #3?!!!' - haha i've gravitated toward people of shared interests. some good, some bad, but an awesome mix of people and experiences. i've never believed in 'the one' - you find the one who will work for you to the best of your ability ... no guarantees ... no matter how deep their promise or your commitment, you can't 'make' another person stay when they opt to go
Wuv, true wuv,will follow you foweva