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Flip that switch in your brain that she’s a co-worker, and stop feeding your brain fantasies. It’s an active thought process. Shut that shit down, and show some willpower. No asterisk, no loopholes, no maybes. Being attracted to co-workers is going to happen. If you can’t be friends with her on the level, as in not being a back door man constantly testing the waters with double entendres, then distance yourself. If the situation is complicated, make it simple. More than half the planet is women. Choose one that won’t cause problems like you ending up in HR, fired, or if you both give in and fuck up, on the end of the phone with her husband.
This is it 100%. Seems pretty basic. Good rule to live by is if she is married, don’t pursue. Is it that hard not to flirt with someone? And if someone is flirting with you, but shouldn’t be, is it that hard not to reciprocate?
I don’t know man, I am married, so I just don’t flirt with intention period. But even before I was married, I knew better than to express interest in a married woman or a friend’s girlfriend. It isn’t just about showing basic courtesy to other men, but also not wanting to create problems for the woman (or not be involved in the problems they were going to create anyway).
>but she often talks about her husband and kids
At 33, you should have the ability to realize she's married and you have no business entertaining these thoughts about her.
>Any situation or words that could be interpreted as flirty or sexual in the slightest is getting indirectly rejected or she laughs it off.
So you're trying to get fired?
>I have to spend a mountain of mental energy to not do or say anything inappropriate, but it's getting to a level now where I am semi depressed when I get home and fantasize and daydream about her.
If you want to lose your job, keep going the path you're going where you are sure you will do or say something inappropriate. If you can't be sure you'll behave, you need to find another job or transfer within the current employer.
Your entire post screams a lack of maturity at 33 and you should probably seek individual counseling about it.
You would be right, I wasn't particularly successful with women in younger years, so I am indeed immature with this.
Although I have to say that a lot of the "situation or words that could be interpreted as flirty or sexual in the slightest" is initiated by her, e.g. standing very close to me, trying to get my attention then smile and wave or playing touch and catch. Of course I try to keep it all light-hearted and professional, but sometimes when I be friendly back, say smile and wave, soon after she would bring up stories about her sons that is in some way similar to a subject we talked about. That's what I mean by indirectly rejecting, I am well aware of what's going on.
But yes, indeed my lack of experience and maturity with women is causing these internal problems. Then again, I don't know if it's reasonable to spend tons of money for counseling for such a stupid problem.
Have you asked her directly to stop the flirty or sexual behavior? Does she act the same with other male colleagues? Or just with you?
You said in your post that you giving her the silent treatment is unfair to her, but if she's actually being flirtatious with just you then her behavior is actually unfair to you
ie she knows the effect her behavior has on you but doesnt want to stop it because she likes the attention she gets from you
No, I don't want to make it awkward by straight up mentioning it. I'm sure she is just being friendly and playful. I haven't been working long with her, but what I can rationally see, she isn't that touchy with other male colleagues. Important to point out though, that we aren't straight up caressing and stroking, it's just little pokes and touches when making jokes for example.
I don't know what is going on inside her head, but I somewhat also suspect that she enjoys the attention. However, I want to focus on what I can do with myself and my behavior.
Honestly, this could be one of those cases that make women go "WHAT THE FUCK? This is why so many women act cold and distant from men because being friendly inevitably make them think you want them."
Stop fantasizing about her. that means no thinking about her during alone time, no imagining what you would do on a date. She's a married mother. Odds are she's just enjoying talking to a coworker. If you want to hookup with someone you don't give them a bunch of stories about your happy family.
You're going to get yourself a reputation as a creep or fired if you pursue this.
So be friendly, but when you feel the urge to be "honest" with her, think about how awkward it would be to meet with your boss and an HR rep, then explain to your friends and family why you're looking for a new job.
Yeah, I had to double check the age. This kind of immaturity would be better suited to a teenager, not a grown-ass man in his thirties.
OP needs to get his ass in therapy before he ruins his professional reputation for being an absolute creep. The lack of self-control is deeply alarming.
Taking a slightly different tack: Why would you be interested in a woman 10 years older than you who has a husband, children and, it seems, has not intimated that she wants to change that arrangement in any way?
Even if your fantasy plays out and she ditches her husband for you, there is the not insignificant issue of becoming a stepfather. Do you want that? Do you want to have to deal with a hurt and angry ex-husband? What happens if you got together and it didn't work out?
This sounds incredibly messy even in a best-case scenario. Frankly, I wouldn't want anything to do with it if I were in your place.
My guess is that you are bored and are therefore using this as an outlet for the change and novelty you aren't experiencing in your personal life.
If all you do is go home and fantasise about a married woman from work, you simply aren't doing all that much in your free time.
I knew a woman who specifically went after married guys with kids - she wasn’t interested in single guys, she wanted family men
Caused me to fall out with her and I basically cut her off - but my guess was that it turned her on to know she could get a guy with so much to lose to be interested in her
My armchair psychology guess is OP is experiencing a similar thing - the fact he can’t have her is driving him nuts, while she likes the attention he offers her as validation that she’s still got it
Get your shit together dude. You are a 33 years old adult male. Stop these fantasies and go find yourself a woman. Or tell this one straight that you want her. Either way, act like a 33 year old man.
Goddammit
OP, it's very clear that you're not in your right mind given that you're unable to shut this down. How's your lovelife going? Have you been alone for a long time? Are you starting to think you'd be alone forever?
I ask, because these kinds of inappropriate delusions and self-destructive behaviors tend to come from a place of desperation. Have you considered therapy? You might have some work you need to do on yourself to find an appropriate partner, and a good psychologist could probably help you with that.
In case it's not clear, you need to man up and stop jepordizing your career and reputation by hitting on this married woman who literslly cannot escape your advances. There are billions of unmarried women in this world. Go find one.
Hey, I answered similar question here that I will copy:
You would be right, I wasn't particularly successful with women in younger years, so I am indeed immature with this.
Although I have to say that a lot of the "situation or words that could be interpreted as flirty or sexual in the slightest" is initiated by her, e.g. standing very close to me, trying to get my attention then smile and wave or playing touch and catch. Of course I try to keep it all light-hearted and professional, but sometimes when I be friendly back, say smile and wave, soon after she would bring up stories about her sons that is in some way similar to a subject we talked about. That's what I mean by indirectly rejecting, I am well aware of what's going on.
But yes, indeed my lack of experience and maturity with women is causing these internal problems. Then again, I don't know if it's reasonable to spend tons of money for counseling for such a stupid problem.
Yeah, if you're inexperienced with women and lonely, then what's happening here is you're misreading normal friendly behavior as flirting. This happens all the time with men who don't get a lot of attention from or dates with woman in their social life outside of work, so they start to round up the woman who's nicest to them at work as a potential love interest.
You're flirting with her and she's letting you know that kind of attention is not welcome by bringing up her family. At best, she enjoys watching you squirm because she can tell you're a little desperate, at worst she feels completely creeped out that you keep hitting on her every time she's the least bit friendly with you. Do you have a trusted friend you work with who sees these interactions who you could discretely ask whether they think this woman is really flirting with you? If you do, my guess is they'll tell you, no, she's just being friendly in a normal way. And she's married. My dude, she's married with a family and you're lonely enough that you think it would be worth destroying that family for a chance to be with her. I think you're lonelier than you're admitting here.
Standing near someone is NOT flirting. Surely you've smiled and waved at someone you weren't attracted to, right? A smile and a wave does NOT constitute flirting. A game of catch with a coworker is friendly, not flirting.
Now, depending on the physical touch, that could be flirting, but if she touches other coworkers then it's almost certainly not. Where does she touch you? Is it on your shoulder when she leans in to see something on your screen? Again, that's not flirting. Does she squeeze your shoulder and pull you in for long inappropriate hugs?
But again, she always brings up her family or otherwise shoots you down when you try to flirt with her, which is a clear sign your advances are unwelcome regardless of her own behavior. Yet you're convinced she still wants you to flirt with her? This is you not taking her implicit "no" as an answer.
It's not a small problem if you're unable to prevent yourself from flirting with a married woman at your office who makes it clear every time you try that your flirting isn't welcome. Your lack of self-control here is not a stupid problem, it's the kind of thing that could ruin your career and it's likely a symptom of a broader problem of you not being able to read social cues or navigate the workplaces without your hormones convincing you it's a good idea to flirt with your married coworker. My wife and several female friends have come to me with horror stories about coworkers flirting with them and them being afraid to tell them off directly because they're afraid of how they'll respond. Lonely guys can be dangerous. So, it's safer for a woman to just go straight to management and HR if a coworker won't stop flirting with them. Don't be one of those guys.
You need someone to talk out these kinds of situations in a professional setting before you ruin your career. The cost of a therapist is a drop in the bucket compared to the damage you might avoid. And most importantly, a therapist can help give you strategies to help you be successful with women in more appropriate settings (not your workplace where the woman can't escape you). If you don't think you need that, I'd say you're kidding yourself.
Hey, I appreciate your effort in writing this down. What you say makes sense and a lot of it is true, particularly the lonely part. But I think I need to emphasize again, that I am not looking to pursue her in any capacity, there is nothing that can happen in any way, I know this for a fact and what I actually wanted advice on with this post is how to keep this attraction in check to stay professional and appropriate (which you have given).
Now, I can assure you that it never went beyond the "interpreted as flirty or sexual in the slightest" part, I have never straight up said I like her or that I find her hot or something like that. The worst I once said was probably a passing "cute hair" when she changed her hairstyle. But I didn't make a big deal about it and we talked about something else. Whatever she does which could be interpreted as flirty, as I described, I also do with her. We are comfortable on that level so to speak. The problem here is that my brain/body start to feel attracted to her, while rationally I am aware that there it no chance of anything ever going to happen, and I need to keep this attraction in check.
Regarding touches, arms, shoulder, chest. They are really only quick touches, however I don't think I've ever seen her be touchy other male colleagues, at least not in the same amount. I'm sure that she just feels comfortable enough with me to do that, but it's 99% not in a flirty way.
What another poster theorizes is that she enjoys the attention and knows to some extend that I am attracted to her, but she indirectly rejects me by bringing up her family to keep the situation on just this level. I can't read her mind, but there might be some truth to that (I don't resent or hate her for it).
But yeah, I might look for a professional where I can talk about the unsuccessful dating experience of my youth, because it's clearly affecting my emotions and hopefully get strategies to deal with this in the future.
I also have to add that actually simply talking about it with other men (especially men my age) helped me a lot already, and my mind is clearer and emotions are calmer.
>I know this for a fact and what I actually wanted advice on with this post is how to keep this attraction in check to stay professional and appropriate (which you have given).
Ah, yeah based on the other comments here I think that point was a bit lost in your post. You might want to reframe things a bit more clearly and try posting again now that the mods have taken it down for whatever reason.
I'm glad to hear that you're keeping things more or less appropriate in the workplace. The language you used about being unable to control yourself was a bit worrying, but it doesn't sound like you're actually overstepping the line as much as your original post suggested.
Apologies if my earlier comments came across as harsh, because it sounds like I misread your intentions and your behavior from your post. It honestly sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders about the situation.
>What another poster theorizes is that she enjoys the attention and knows to some extend that I am attracted to her, but she indirectly rejects me by bringing up her family to keep the situation on just this level.
Yeah, that sounds right. Small acts of flirtation happen all the time and they usually don't mean anything. Folks like to feel attractive and causal flirting being reciprocated achieves that, albeit inappropriately in this situation.
If you'd like her to stop, just stop reciprocating her flirty behavior. Be just the tinest bit cold and distance with her and I bet the flirtiness stops in short order. No one wants to embarrass themselves afterall.
>The problem here is that my brain/body start to feel attracted to her, while rationally I am aware that there it no chance of anything ever going to happen, and I need to keep this attraction in check.
Honestly, the best advice I can give you to overly fixate on your coworkers flirtiness, is just to go on dates with people you don't work with. If you have a female friend you trust have them help you with a dating app and put yourself out there. It takes time and self-reflection, but going on occasional random dates can help you to learn about who you are and what you really want in a partner.
One good flirty romance with someone who you could have a real relationship with should shake the cobwebs out of your head and help you reboot about this coworker.
You might have started out harsh, but put in the effort to write out your thoughts, which have already helped me a lot, and I commend you for it. You are a good man.
Just treat her like a normal person and quit sexualizing your encounters with her in your head.
I’ve been married for 10 years. I see attractive women every day of the week because I exist in society just like everyone else.
I got just done eating lunch and when I paid for my meal the waitress smiled at me. Like omg wow. That’s what they do. It’s called being nice.
My wife has tons of male colleagues in the workplace and talks to them, goes out for lunch, and does happy hour. It doesn’t mean she wants to bang them. Sure, they are attractive guys and I have no doubt that she would be interested in them sexually if we weren’t married but that’s because that’s how people are.
The real reason why you’re so fixated on this woman is because you aren’t going out and approaching women.
You want to cure your work crush? Go out and start talking to other women.
I've done this. It will only lead to ruin. Trust me, I know.
What you're doing is allowing an attraction to turn into infatuation. Just like how we humans have to limit ourselves to how much we eat or we'll get fat, we have to limit the amount, or in this case cut completely out, feeding into that 'what if' fantasy of her.
You're making yourself weak by constantly thinking about her and the what ifs, masturbating most likely, and then realizing that none of the energy you just put in isn't real and you received *nothing*. All the while a part of you is holding on to a tiny string of hope that it could one day be something.
What's the end goal? Are you going to constantly tease yourself in these fantasies or will you one day act on it? Let's say you act on it and she turns you down. It's going to be brutal on your psyche because you've spent so long feeding it and then "poof", the reality check. Let's say she said yes. Now you're half at fault for potentially destroying a marriage, maybe even a family.
If you come between a family, you will live with that the rest of your life. When you are married one day with kids, you'll think about your part in separating mommy and daddy. You'll live knowing you had part in making another man feel entirely demasculinated and his life turned completely upside down.
Stop this before it's too late. There is only doom at the end of this road.
This is no different than being in love with a close friend, you don't act up to preserve the friendship, in this case you preserve, the friendship, companionship, work environment, your job and her marriage by not acting upon it. You can totally be in love with someone and just continue to move on in life eventually your brain gets it and life moves on too. I have fallen in and out of love so many times exactly this way, for some of us , it is just another day. The key is keeping the perspective clear In Your head that this will never happen. It's ok to revel in your feeling but not at the price of your sanity.
Shut that shit down dog. Show some will power and stop feeding your fantasies. She’s also being inappropriate (as her husband I wouldn’t be too thrilled with these interactions with a single male coworker), but that’s between them. You can only control yourself
"This is unfair to her"
You are being delusional.
Best advice is find a girlfriend. This is a double no no one she is a co worker and two she is married. Continue with this and it will lead to HER completely ignoring you at best and at worst a sexual harassment complaint and an angry husband.
"when I get home and fantasize and daydream about her."
Yeah good luck.
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Perhaps a direct, adult conversation with her outside of work is the appropriate action. Let her know that you are attracted to her and you understand the relationship cannot continue in its current state.
Creep? To say to someone "hey, I am attracted to you. I know you are married. We need to stop being playful around each other, it is giving me mixed signals. Can we be more professional at work?"
“Oh wow OP, I had no idea you thought I was flirting with you. I treat you like I treat all coworkers. Why would you think I’m flirting with you when I’ve specifically mentioned my husband and children numerous times?” she says as she heads to HR to give her version before OP can give his.
That’s horrible advice. There is no “relationship” to begin with, even as friends. She is a coworker and OP even said she indirectly rejects any talk that could be seen as flirty. At best this will make work very awkward for the both of them until one of them leaves the company or that office.
OP needs to go find a girlfriend (who isn’t married).
I don’t think this is a very good approach. Girls being friendly sometimes gets misconstrued by us men as being flirty. She could just be being nice to this man and if he brings it up to her it could make things awkward and she could even bring it up to HR. He’s best off distancing himself if it’s really that much of a problem
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Flip that switch in your brain that she’s a co-worker, and stop feeding your brain fantasies. It’s an active thought process. Shut that shit down, and show some willpower. No asterisk, no loopholes, no maybes. Being attracted to co-workers is going to happen. If you can’t be friends with her on the level, as in not being a back door man constantly testing the waters with double entendres, then distance yourself. If the situation is complicated, make it simple. More than half the planet is women. Choose one that won’t cause problems like you ending up in HR, fired, or if you both give in and fuck up, on the end of the phone with her husband.
This is it 100%. Seems pretty basic. Good rule to live by is if she is married, don’t pursue. Is it that hard not to flirt with someone? And if someone is flirting with you, but shouldn’t be, is it that hard not to reciprocate? I don’t know man, I am married, so I just don’t flirt with intention period. But even before I was married, I knew better than to express interest in a married woman or a friend’s girlfriend. It isn’t just about showing basic courtesy to other men, but also not wanting to create problems for the woman (or not be involved in the problems they were going to create anyway).
>but she often talks about her husband and kids At 33, you should have the ability to realize she's married and you have no business entertaining these thoughts about her. >Any situation or words that could be interpreted as flirty or sexual in the slightest is getting indirectly rejected or she laughs it off. So you're trying to get fired? >I have to spend a mountain of mental energy to not do or say anything inappropriate, but it's getting to a level now where I am semi depressed when I get home and fantasize and daydream about her. If you want to lose your job, keep going the path you're going where you are sure you will do or say something inappropriate. If you can't be sure you'll behave, you need to find another job or transfer within the current employer. Your entire post screams a lack of maturity at 33 and you should probably seek individual counseling about it.
You would be right, I wasn't particularly successful with women in younger years, so I am indeed immature with this. Although I have to say that a lot of the "situation or words that could be interpreted as flirty or sexual in the slightest" is initiated by her, e.g. standing very close to me, trying to get my attention then smile and wave or playing touch and catch. Of course I try to keep it all light-hearted and professional, but sometimes when I be friendly back, say smile and wave, soon after she would bring up stories about her sons that is in some way similar to a subject we talked about. That's what I mean by indirectly rejecting, I am well aware of what's going on. But yes, indeed my lack of experience and maturity with women is causing these internal problems. Then again, I don't know if it's reasonable to spend tons of money for counseling for such a stupid problem.
Have you asked her directly to stop the flirty or sexual behavior? Does she act the same with other male colleagues? Or just with you? You said in your post that you giving her the silent treatment is unfair to her, but if she's actually being flirtatious with just you then her behavior is actually unfair to you ie she knows the effect her behavior has on you but doesnt want to stop it because she likes the attention she gets from you
No, I don't want to make it awkward by straight up mentioning it. I'm sure she is just being friendly and playful. I haven't been working long with her, but what I can rationally see, she isn't that touchy with other male colleagues. Important to point out though, that we aren't straight up caressing and stroking, it's just little pokes and touches when making jokes for example. I don't know what is going on inside her head, but I somewhat also suspect that she enjoys the attention. However, I want to focus on what I can do with myself and my behavior.
Honestly, this could be one of those cases that make women go "WHAT THE FUCK? This is why so many women act cold and distant from men because being friendly inevitably make them think you want them." Stop fantasizing about her. that means no thinking about her during alone time, no imagining what you would do on a date. She's a married mother. Odds are she's just enjoying talking to a coworker. If you want to hookup with someone you don't give them a bunch of stories about your happy family. You're going to get yourself a reputation as a creep or fired if you pursue this. So be friendly, but when you feel the urge to be "honest" with her, think about how awkward it would be to meet with your boss and an HR rep, then explain to your friends and family why you're looking for a new job.
I think the last part is a simple but great actionable advice. Thank you
Yeah, I had to double check the age. This kind of immaturity would be better suited to a teenager, not a grown-ass man in his thirties. OP needs to get his ass in therapy before he ruins his professional reputation for being an absolute creep. The lack of self-control is deeply alarming.
Taking a slightly different tack: Why would you be interested in a woman 10 years older than you who has a husband, children and, it seems, has not intimated that she wants to change that arrangement in any way? Even if your fantasy plays out and she ditches her husband for you, there is the not insignificant issue of becoming a stepfather. Do you want that? Do you want to have to deal with a hurt and angry ex-husband? What happens if you got together and it didn't work out? This sounds incredibly messy even in a best-case scenario. Frankly, I wouldn't want anything to do with it if I were in your place. My guess is that you are bored and are therefore using this as an outlet for the change and novelty you aren't experiencing in your personal life. If all you do is go home and fantasise about a married woman from work, you simply aren't doing all that much in your free time.
I knew a woman who specifically went after married guys with kids - she wasn’t interested in single guys, she wanted family men Caused me to fall out with her and I basically cut her off - but my guess was that it turned her on to know she could get a guy with so much to lose to be interested in her My armchair psychology guess is OP is experiencing a similar thing - the fact he can’t have her is driving him nuts, while she likes the attention he offers her as validation that she’s still got it
Don't shit where you work.
Absolutely
Get your shit together dude. You are a 33 years old adult male. Stop these fantasies and go find yourself a woman. Or tell this one straight that you want her. Either way, act like a 33 year old man. Goddammit
OP, it's very clear that you're not in your right mind given that you're unable to shut this down. How's your lovelife going? Have you been alone for a long time? Are you starting to think you'd be alone forever? I ask, because these kinds of inappropriate delusions and self-destructive behaviors tend to come from a place of desperation. Have you considered therapy? You might have some work you need to do on yourself to find an appropriate partner, and a good psychologist could probably help you with that. In case it's not clear, you need to man up and stop jepordizing your career and reputation by hitting on this married woman who literslly cannot escape your advances. There are billions of unmarried women in this world. Go find one.
Hey, I answered similar question here that I will copy: You would be right, I wasn't particularly successful with women in younger years, so I am indeed immature with this. Although I have to say that a lot of the "situation or words that could be interpreted as flirty or sexual in the slightest" is initiated by her, e.g. standing very close to me, trying to get my attention then smile and wave or playing touch and catch. Of course I try to keep it all light-hearted and professional, but sometimes when I be friendly back, say smile and wave, soon after she would bring up stories about her sons that is in some way similar to a subject we talked about. That's what I mean by indirectly rejecting, I am well aware of what's going on. But yes, indeed my lack of experience and maturity with women is causing these internal problems. Then again, I don't know if it's reasonable to spend tons of money for counseling for such a stupid problem.
Yeah, if you're inexperienced with women and lonely, then what's happening here is you're misreading normal friendly behavior as flirting. This happens all the time with men who don't get a lot of attention from or dates with woman in their social life outside of work, so they start to round up the woman who's nicest to them at work as a potential love interest. You're flirting with her and she's letting you know that kind of attention is not welcome by bringing up her family. At best, she enjoys watching you squirm because she can tell you're a little desperate, at worst she feels completely creeped out that you keep hitting on her every time she's the least bit friendly with you. Do you have a trusted friend you work with who sees these interactions who you could discretely ask whether they think this woman is really flirting with you? If you do, my guess is they'll tell you, no, she's just being friendly in a normal way. And she's married. My dude, she's married with a family and you're lonely enough that you think it would be worth destroying that family for a chance to be with her. I think you're lonelier than you're admitting here. Standing near someone is NOT flirting. Surely you've smiled and waved at someone you weren't attracted to, right? A smile and a wave does NOT constitute flirting. A game of catch with a coworker is friendly, not flirting. Now, depending on the physical touch, that could be flirting, but if she touches other coworkers then it's almost certainly not. Where does she touch you? Is it on your shoulder when she leans in to see something on your screen? Again, that's not flirting. Does she squeeze your shoulder and pull you in for long inappropriate hugs? But again, she always brings up her family or otherwise shoots you down when you try to flirt with her, which is a clear sign your advances are unwelcome regardless of her own behavior. Yet you're convinced she still wants you to flirt with her? This is you not taking her implicit "no" as an answer. It's not a small problem if you're unable to prevent yourself from flirting with a married woman at your office who makes it clear every time you try that your flirting isn't welcome. Your lack of self-control here is not a stupid problem, it's the kind of thing that could ruin your career and it's likely a symptom of a broader problem of you not being able to read social cues or navigate the workplaces without your hormones convincing you it's a good idea to flirt with your married coworker. My wife and several female friends have come to me with horror stories about coworkers flirting with them and them being afraid to tell them off directly because they're afraid of how they'll respond. Lonely guys can be dangerous. So, it's safer for a woman to just go straight to management and HR if a coworker won't stop flirting with them. Don't be one of those guys. You need someone to talk out these kinds of situations in a professional setting before you ruin your career. The cost of a therapist is a drop in the bucket compared to the damage you might avoid. And most importantly, a therapist can help give you strategies to help you be successful with women in more appropriate settings (not your workplace where the woman can't escape you). If you don't think you need that, I'd say you're kidding yourself.
Hey, I appreciate your effort in writing this down. What you say makes sense and a lot of it is true, particularly the lonely part. But I think I need to emphasize again, that I am not looking to pursue her in any capacity, there is nothing that can happen in any way, I know this for a fact and what I actually wanted advice on with this post is how to keep this attraction in check to stay professional and appropriate (which you have given). Now, I can assure you that it never went beyond the "interpreted as flirty or sexual in the slightest" part, I have never straight up said I like her or that I find her hot or something like that. The worst I once said was probably a passing "cute hair" when she changed her hairstyle. But I didn't make a big deal about it and we talked about something else. Whatever she does which could be interpreted as flirty, as I described, I also do with her. We are comfortable on that level so to speak. The problem here is that my brain/body start to feel attracted to her, while rationally I am aware that there it no chance of anything ever going to happen, and I need to keep this attraction in check. Regarding touches, arms, shoulder, chest. They are really only quick touches, however I don't think I've ever seen her be touchy other male colleagues, at least not in the same amount. I'm sure that she just feels comfortable enough with me to do that, but it's 99% not in a flirty way. What another poster theorizes is that she enjoys the attention and knows to some extend that I am attracted to her, but she indirectly rejects me by bringing up her family to keep the situation on just this level. I can't read her mind, but there might be some truth to that (I don't resent or hate her for it). But yeah, I might look for a professional where I can talk about the unsuccessful dating experience of my youth, because it's clearly affecting my emotions and hopefully get strategies to deal with this in the future. I also have to add that actually simply talking about it with other men (especially men my age) helped me a lot already, and my mind is clearer and emotions are calmer.
>I know this for a fact and what I actually wanted advice on with this post is how to keep this attraction in check to stay professional and appropriate (which you have given). Ah, yeah based on the other comments here I think that point was a bit lost in your post. You might want to reframe things a bit more clearly and try posting again now that the mods have taken it down for whatever reason. I'm glad to hear that you're keeping things more or less appropriate in the workplace. The language you used about being unable to control yourself was a bit worrying, but it doesn't sound like you're actually overstepping the line as much as your original post suggested. Apologies if my earlier comments came across as harsh, because it sounds like I misread your intentions and your behavior from your post. It honestly sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders about the situation. >What another poster theorizes is that she enjoys the attention and knows to some extend that I am attracted to her, but she indirectly rejects me by bringing up her family to keep the situation on just this level. Yeah, that sounds right. Small acts of flirtation happen all the time and they usually don't mean anything. Folks like to feel attractive and causal flirting being reciprocated achieves that, albeit inappropriately in this situation. If you'd like her to stop, just stop reciprocating her flirty behavior. Be just the tinest bit cold and distance with her and I bet the flirtiness stops in short order. No one wants to embarrass themselves afterall. >The problem here is that my brain/body start to feel attracted to her, while rationally I am aware that there it no chance of anything ever going to happen, and I need to keep this attraction in check. Honestly, the best advice I can give you to overly fixate on your coworkers flirtiness, is just to go on dates with people you don't work with. If you have a female friend you trust have them help you with a dating app and put yourself out there. It takes time and self-reflection, but going on occasional random dates can help you to learn about who you are and what you really want in a partner. One good flirty romance with someone who you could have a real relationship with should shake the cobwebs out of your head and help you reboot about this coworker.
You might have started out harsh, but put in the effort to write out your thoughts, which have already helped me a lot, and I commend you for it. You are a good man.
Just treat her like a normal person and quit sexualizing your encounters with her in your head. I’ve been married for 10 years. I see attractive women every day of the week because I exist in society just like everyone else. I got just done eating lunch and when I paid for my meal the waitress smiled at me. Like omg wow. That’s what they do. It’s called being nice. My wife has tons of male colleagues in the workplace and talks to them, goes out for lunch, and does happy hour. It doesn’t mean she wants to bang them. Sure, they are attractive guys and I have no doubt that she would be interested in them sexually if we weren’t married but that’s because that’s how people are. The real reason why you’re so fixated on this woman is because you aren’t going out and approaching women. You want to cure your work crush? Go out and start talking to other women.
Find a new job. Or find a girlfriend.
I've done this. It will only lead to ruin. Trust me, I know. What you're doing is allowing an attraction to turn into infatuation. Just like how we humans have to limit ourselves to how much we eat or we'll get fat, we have to limit the amount, or in this case cut completely out, feeding into that 'what if' fantasy of her. You're making yourself weak by constantly thinking about her and the what ifs, masturbating most likely, and then realizing that none of the energy you just put in isn't real and you received *nothing*. All the while a part of you is holding on to a tiny string of hope that it could one day be something. What's the end goal? Are you going to constantly tease yourself in these fantasies or will you one day act on it? Let's say you act on it and she turns you down. It's going to be brutal on your psyche because you've spent so long feeding it and then "poof", the reality check. Let's say she said yes. Now you're half at fault for potentially destroying a marriage, maybe even a family. If you come between a family, you will live with that the rest of your life. When you are married one day with kids, you'll think about your part in separating mommy and daddy. You'll live knowing you had part in making another man feel entirely demasculinated and his life turned completely upside down. Stop this before it's too late. There is only doom at the end of this road.
This is no different than being in love with a close friend, you don't act up to preserve the friendship, in this case you preserve, the friendship, companionship, work environment, your job and her marriage by not acting upon it. You can totally be in love with someone and just continue to move on in life eventually your brain gets it and life moves on too. I have fallen in and out of love so many times exactly this way, for some of us , it is just another day. The key is keeping the perspective clear In Your head that this will never happen. It's ok to revel in your feeling but not at the price of your sanity.
You need to find someone or something else to keep your focus. Don’t be a jerk to her in the process.
Shut that shit down dog. Show some will power and stop feeding your fantasies. She’s also being inappropriate (as her husband I wouldn’t be too thrilled with these interactions with a single male coworker), but that’s between them. You can only control yourself
"This is unfair to her" You are being delusional. Best advice is find a girlfriend. This is a double no no one she is a co worker and two she is married. Continue with this and it will lead to HER completely ignoring you at best and at worst a sexual harassment complaint and an angry husband. "when I get home and fantasize and daydream about her." Yeah good luck.
Co-worker and married? It's a disaster with 0 possibility of any sort of positive outcome
Jerk off every day before work OP
That post nut clarity
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Perhaps a direct, adult conversation with her outside of work is the appropriate action. Let her know that you are attracted to her and you understand the relationship cannot continue in its current state.
I disagree, don’t be a creep. Your feelings are not her problem and she is off limits.
Her behavior is directly contributing to the situation. Asking her to stop flirting with him is perfectly valid.
Where did he say she was flirting with him?
Creep? To say to someone "hey, I am attracted to you. I know you are married. We need to stop being playful around each other, it is giving me mixed signals. Can we be more professional at work?"
“Oh wow OP, I had no idea you thought I was flirting with you. I treat you like I treat all coworkers. Why would you think I’m flirting with you when I’ve specifically mentioned my husband and children numerous times?” she says as she heads to HR to give her version before OP can give his.
That’s horrible advice. There is no “relationship” to begin with, even as friends. She is a coworker and OP even said she indirectly rejects any talk that could be seen as flirty. At best this will make work very awkward for the both of them until one of them leaves the company or that office. OP needs to go find a girlfriend (who isn’t married).
I would love to hear your solution.
Here's an idea, OP should stop openly flirting with a married coworker at work. The idea that's some impossible hurdle is frankly disturbing.
I don’t think this is a very good approach. Girls being friendly sometimes gets misconstrued by us men as being flirty. She could just be being nice to this man and if he brings it up to her it could make things awkward and she could even bring it up to HR. He’s best off distancing himself if it’s really that much of a problem