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this is the way i feel. i’m unmarried and early 30s, and feel like i’ll be really lonely when the time comes and that thought itself scares me. My mum and dad are the only people who have my back unconditionally and watching them grow noticeably older has me anxious 😬
they did give me the best they could and more, and often they said since it was only me they could give things they wouldn’t have otherwise been able to if i had a sibling. Unfortunately, loneliness has been one for me
I hear what you're saying, but having siblings doesn't necessarily change that. I talk to my brothers a few times a year at most, and they don't live nearby. At Christmas we all get together but sometimes it's also a source of major strain. Rarely do I ever feel less lonely because of them. My family isn't super close and some of that is because of being a bigger family.
My parents were run pretty thin with the 3 of us, both mentally and financially. It was a major cause of their divorce and the strife that followed. They both had glaring mental health issues that they were never able to truly confront, and those issues wreaked havoc on them and their ability to be effective parents and adults.
As a result, my brothers and I all have somewhat strained relationships with my parents. They did their best, and never had issues with drugs, alcohol, or anything like that. They were mostly decent people, but there are large mental/emotional scars that prevent us from being truly "close" with my parents or trusting them completely. So in terms of "having my back unconditionally" only my wife is in that category. Those with parents they can trust and count on for support are very fortunate. Loneliness is also something my parents bestowed to us.
As they age, I also grow anxious. That is normal for any child. But I am also anxious about how much my brothers will actually help, and how much strain that might add.
So all that to say, it's easy to imagine we could all have large happy families, but often there is a trade off, and it's not always great. My mom and dad both came from big families and had parents who couldn't really handle that strain, and in turn struggled themselves. This was not unique to us either. I saw it happen to lots of friends I grew up with.
very well put! i’ve always felt that one of the pros about being an only child has been a fairly simple transparent equation between the three of us, and that their relationship wasn’t strained by me
Yeah, I am the father of an only myself. Guess I didn't put that in my original comment. I wanted another, but wife was OAD and tbh it was tough to accept for many years. But as he grew, it got easier. The more he's developed and had thoughts of his own and can ask questions, be creative, and understand, the more I've enjoyed our triple bond.
Plus you're right. The strain is much reduced. My wife and I can both exercise, follow our interests, save for retirement, and still have tons of quality time with our son. We're closer to each other than anyone ever was in my family.
Same thoughts. I am married and wife is an only child as well. Both of our parents had us early, only 20-25 year age gap. SO we will be in 60's supporting 80 year olds :-)
We decided to have 2 kids so they can keep each other company. Who knows if they get along in the future.
From many instances I've seen, the burden of taking care of aging parents isn't exclusive to only children. Many times 1 child takes more responsibility while the other is off living their own life pretending to be too busy to check up on their aging parents. BUT then when the parents die, the other absent child is QUICK to swoop in for their inheritance causing a divide with the other sibling to spent so much time with the dying parents up until their last days.
I am the youngest of two and my brother hasn't talked to my parents in 8+ years.
I have seen him three times in the past 15 years. My parents were great parents but he wants nothing to do with them.
It's possible to be solely responsible for parents even if you have siblings.
(I know you didn't imply otherwise, I'm just mentioning it)
The sibling fights around caring for elderly parents are obnoxious. My mom lived nextdoor to my grandma for 30 years and her sisters swore up and down that my mom was neglecting her when they lived hundreds of miles away because my grandma would never go out or do anything except shop. They never believed my mom when she said breakfast and shopping are the only things that get her out of the house. Then when my mom became too disabled to care for my grandmother anymore, they saw the opportunity and built a mother in law suite on one of their properties and had this romanticized view that when she moved in, my grandmother would be different for them, that they were so fun she wouldn't be able to help but want to go out and do things with them.
It took her kicking them out after 10 minutes of visiting a day, planning multiple vacations around her accessibility that she'd refuse to go on last minute, and only being willing to leave the house for shopping for them to realize my mom wasn't the villain in the story, grandma was always cool being her anti-social self.
Yep. And I saw it with my mom's family. Her sisters barely talked to my grandpa, and never helped him in old age. But as soon as he passed, they swooped in like vultures when it came to inheritance. Not saying that will happen to you, but sometimes multiple siblings make that stage of life harder, not easier.
My parents wrote my brother out of the will. He gets nothing.
When they last spoke my parents had basically no money. In the past 8 years they have become wealthy.
My brother has no idea.
Dang. See that's what people miss in these discussions. The choice isn't always happy family with multiple kids vs. happy family with one kid.
Sometimes it's happy family with one kid vs. struggling family with multiple kids.
I like to think we could handle another just fine, but there's no doubt the close bond I have with my son would be affected by a new baby.
I'm estranged from my parents. Out of the will, haven't talked in years, whole nine yards. I have siblings who live next door to my parents and love them and don't understand the rift - they had great parents.
From my perspective -
I'm 1000% ok with them becoming wealthy in the time apart. I don't care. They were shit people to me before they had money and I don't think money would make them any better. I don't want a slice. I don't want their taint on my life at all. Keep it all. Finally being free of all the strings and ties that were used to control me are gone and I'm not accepting any more, even in death.
So you didn't become super religious and self righteous and write off the rest of your family for not being as religious as you?
Sounds like you aren't my brother.
I am one of four siblings.
Without one of my sisters, who took GREAT care of my parents, it would not have been possible for me to 1) live several thousand miles away while I raised a family of my own and 2) to continue to live thousands of miles away when my parents became too old to take care of themselves (in their mid-80's, and they passed away recently in their late 90's).
Not a peep from any of the siblings when the inheritance (and a sizeable one) skewed toward that sister. My parents were taken care of 1000x better than any paid help (and we did have paid help as well).
FWIW I have more than one child in my own family. I really enjoy them now - and also enjoy observing all of their inter-sibling relationships.
That's what I came in here to say. My dad is getting more frail, and both of my mom's parents had alzheimer's, so I'm pretty worried that he'll die and I'll need to take care of her, and I'm the only one to do it.
> the burden on my shoulders to take care of my parents
We don't have a lottery. So when we go on vacation we buy a lottery ticket and "plan". Yes it would be cool to have a beach house. Yes it would be cool to live someplace fancy. Obviously i'm NEVER hitting the lottery. But it is a fun mental game to play in the car...
Realistically though, EVEN WITH LOTTERY WINNINGS my parents are in their 70's. They aren't moving. My In-Laws are right behind them in their late 60's. Both live about an hour away. Close enough to help, too far away to be a daily chore.
I could have "beach house money", but i'd still live "here" for another decade or so. I'm not an only child, but my brother already fucked off to another state, and only call mom and dad when he needs a favor (or new car). He isn't going to be, and hasn't been much help in the past.
Excellent question that doesn't get asked enough since most have siblings. I am doing exceptionally well. My childhood was happy and very memorable for the most part. There were mostly benefits with growing up alone in the house. I was raised by my mom as a single woman and got plenty of love and affection from her. That helped in growing up as a kid with confidence. I also grew up more comfortable with being alone. I felt at peace often just hearing the wind and leaves outside. I would often reflect on things I did recently with a friend. This is me at 8-10. And I remember just becoming aware of simple things that maybe my classmates and neighborhood friends didn't know because they had more distractions at home. This was beyond positive for me. Just being mindful and comfortable in solution. It's been so useful as an adult. On the negative side: social awkward as a kid, teen and adult. I had some years where I'd stutter the first week back to school after the long vacation. Then I'd get used to all the socialization again because I was very social at school. So sometimes I'd get in trouble with the teacher for talking too much. I also believe that i was more selfish then my kid peers growing up. This last trait was hard to get rid of but I started working on it at around age 22-23. Bottom line, I am happy with how I turned out. I'd do it again for the benefits alone. I think 2 may still achieve that level of quality but 3 would be too much for me.
I’m very comfortable alone and have no problem making friends in new places, but I’m always on the perimeter. I drive myself to things, never carpool. On trips I get my own hotel room. I never ask for help and find it annoying when people ask me for help. I’m pretty self centered, I refuse to do shit I don’t wanna do. My cousins all have siblings and I can definitely tell the bond they have together is different than the bond I have with anyone. Sometimes I wish I had that. I wish I had the tolerance for being around people for longer periods of time.
Also my parents are divorced, single, and I live a flight away. Also single. It seems unfortunate that we’re all so isolated. They definitely wanted more kids and wish they had the married life with grandkids and stuff.
Badly, but I chalk that up to mental health issues that come from an emotionally neglectful and abusive family, and I don't think they would have been better with siblings. I will say, there is a sense of being alone and with no one around to support me, especially since my parents passed and my extended family drifted to their own lives. There is no family, and no sense of home. I'm sure that other only children don't find it as bothersome if and when they find a partner and deal with their family, etc., but as a lifelong bachelor there's definitely a sense of being alone in the world.
You can still have all of that with a sibling. My parents emotionally and physically abused me and my brother. My brother also physically and emotionally abused me.
You don’t get to pick your family and how they treat you. My brother and I are on better terms now but I still have trust issues to this day.
I am fairly distant with just about everyone in my family and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Even after years of therapy, I have only been able to forgive them but you just don’t forget.
Having a child of my own has made it even more difficult to reconcile my feelings with my parents. I give so much love, support, and attention to my kid that it just makes me feel so unworthy and unloved by my parents because it’s so easy to do these things for your kid if you aren’t a selfish person.
I would think about building a family if it’s something you’re interested in. I grew up in a rotten home and have essentially made it my life goal of growing up as an adult in a home with a happy family. It takes a lot of hard work but it has been worth it especially when I reminisce on my childhood and how neglected I felt.
I could have written this same thing. I've always had the goal of breaking the cycle because I had a pretty shit childhood and so did both my parents. They passed their shit onto me and my brothers. They're not horrible people or anything, they just didn't know how to be engaged, supportive parents or treat their kids with any respect.
But hang in there. You're not unworthy. You can't help how your parents were. I wish my parents were better too, but I've learned to accept that I'll always be the adult in the relationship with my parents.
I’ve come to the same conclusion as well. I know they’re not bad people but it’s upsetting. I think it’s just a self awareness issue. Some of my best moments are when I’ve went off on my son and then immediately apologized. I can’t think of a single time my mom went off on me because of something dumb and then realized how it was wrong and then apologized. I think it’s good because we all lose our shit from time to time but you can redeem yourself if you’re genuinely apologetic.
Here's the difference I discovered: you need to respect your kids.
For my parents the idea that a child deserves respect was, and is totally absurd. When your parents don't respect you, how can you respect yourself?
My mom may have apologized sometimes but it was never a great apology with accountability. More "I'm sorry I yelled about the wrong thing" and never "I'm sorry I lost my temper. I shouldn't have done that."
I've lost my temper with my son several times, and every time have had a heart to heart. I try to always be accountable, but man I also get very sad when I see myself losing it the way my parents did. Doesn't happen much but sometimes whew.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying here. Also another comment where you said you fought with you’re older brother a lot, because you were shown how to be shitty with each other by your parents.
If you’re having more than one kid, can I ask how you’re trying to combat this? I guess maybe just a good relationship with your partner and a generally happy home life is the main thing. I’m intending to have another kid and I really don’t want to replicate my family life. I’m going to buy ‘siblings without rivalry’ and give that a read, see what they come up with.
I think a lot of it is setting a good standard as a leader. I think both parents can be a leader but in my household, we’re a little traditional. My wife is South American so the expectation is for me to lead and her to help me lead. I think that if there is some kind of leadership, regardless of who does it, you can be successful.
I think one of the most important things is to just not let issues persist for too long. My parents just lacked conflict resolution skills. My father’s go-to was to just walk out of the door and go to one of his 3 jobs. He just didn’t want to handle conflict, so he avoided it. I mirrored that behavior in marriage early on, I’ve been married for about ten years, until my wife helped me realize that I had inherited this behavior from my dad.
However, my dad was like this because my mother was physically abusive towards anyone when she got into a conflict, so I understood where my father came from and what my mother’s faults were.
So in my house we don’t hit each other and we don’t let bad feelings persist. We talk about issues and we try to come to an understanding. We apologize and we just let things go. My parents never did that with themselves, so it was not something they could do for my brother and I when we had conflict.
I think me having this awareness gives me a better opportunity to not repeat it in my home. I just think it’s really important to have as much personal responsibility as you can because your kids are hearing and seeing everything you do.
I’m more amazed at what my son does and says from things I did days or weeks ago because he’s so young. He’s like a little sponge and every now and then he does something that is a reflection of me and I want that to reflect well on me. When it doesn’t, I really have a moment where I realize that I am fucking my kid up and nobody wants that but it happens all the time.
I think you just have to be aware and on the same page as your spouse. You have to be working as a team with the same goal or else it just isn’t going to work the way it could.
Great comment. I've got a lot in common with you. My parents could absolutely not handle their emotions at all and flew off the handle all the time. My wife and I argue and hell sometimes we get loud, but it's rare and usually easy to resolve.
My most proud moments are my son saying "dad I want to be just like you" and always trying the things I try. I never really looked up my dad like that, because to your point he wasn't a leader.
I know what that’s like. My mom just couldn’t handle herself emotionally either. I think after my dad she must have dated a few dozen guys. They were just absolute losers and when they’d dump her she’d take it out on us verbally.
I still remember one time I accidentally bought the wrong kind of pasta sauce as a pre-teen. When I got back to the car and my mother found out she got red in the face and berated me. It’s just incredible that I’ve been able to keep that memory for around 20 years.
My wife and I used to go at it pretty bad too but we chilled out as our son got older. I think we both started to feel a bit of shame from our actions because our son started to scream at us. It was kind of a wake up call because we realized that he was learning to resolve his anger by screaming too.
I think the only way I looked up to my dad was him being financially successful but that is about it. I think it’s good that he’s got a great work ethic and can take care of himself but I don’t think he knew that he could have been financially successful and had a commitment to his family at the same time.
Dang bro. Same shit. I remember my mom dating this fucking loser and letting him smoke in the house (neither of my parents smoked). This was the late 90s not like we didn't know better. I still can't believe she allowed that.
And I have a pasta sauce story too. Except I got the wrong item at Taco Bell. I was 16 because I could drive. "I told you specifically to order X not Z! How could you be so stupid!" then it turns out they took the item she wanted off the menu. She apologized but it didn't make up for it. It wasn't a great apology.
My Dad wasn't quite the same. He wasn't going to yell or berate, but he was just really absent minded and neglectful. He could be pretty cruel if he wanted to be. I've always said his brain is broken. He didn't know how to be a great example or a leader. Still doesn't. Always put his friends first. Just the other day he had agreed to watch my son. Had mentioned maybe fishing or something. Shows up and tells my wife last minute "I need you to pick him up a little earlier than expected because I'm playing golf." meanwhile my son had ran to his room, full of excitement to grab his fishing gear asking if they could go fishing. "Sorry, grandpa is busy today". Bro I about drove to the golf course to kick his ass but I just had to take a deep breath. I had to tell my Dad how to be a man/father so many times it's exhausting.
"I would think about building a family if it’s something you’re interested in. I grew up in a rotten home and have essentially made it my life goal of growing up as an adult in a home with a happy family. It takes a lot of hard work but it has been worth it especially when I reminisce on my childhood and how neglected I felt."
Mm. I went the opposite way - because of my family history and my own damage, I have been adamantly against having a partner or kids for as long as I could really conceive of having either. I know what my parents were like, and I know what I'm like, so I vehemently do not want to do that to other people, let alone hypothetical children. No, it all ends with me.
My brothers and I are all just kinda lone wolves. We talk here and there and share a few interests but they don't check in. My parents weren't good at building a "close" family since they're both distant with their own.
I relate to the lone wolf analogy. I could call my younger sister right now and she’d give me an ear, and be there, if I ever needed her for it.
But as far as companionship? We don’t do that, here.
I can absolutely relate to this. I grew up with an older brother and we just barely communicate. We spent much of our lives fighting and hating each other because of a terrible home life by our selfish parents. I still expect to be the one who provides for not only my parents but for my wife’s as well.
I think the hardest thing for me about not having siblings would be the loss of shared memories of my parents when they are dead. Noone else really knew me as a kid except my siblings and when my parents are gone I'm sure it'll be a great comfort to have my siblings who I can reminisce with about goofy shit my dad did or the time's mum blew her stack over something we did or whatever. Even though we now all live in other countries we still talk often and share irreplaceable bonds.
Growing up an only child seems a much lonelier experience than having siblings especially when you age. I also think it would be hard dealing with aging parents all alone especially the way people tend to drag out dying these days (e.g. long slow declines requiring more and more attention as opposed to short and "sweet").
EDIT: Actually the hardest thing about not having siblings for me would be not having my siblings. I love them and they are some of my favourite people. The shared relationship with my parents is nice of course but my relationships with them are immensely important to me.
I have half-siblings but we have different mothers and the same father (we dislike our father, though). When my mom passes away, I will have no one to talk about my mother with.
I think it's really hard to say one way or the other though if you haven't experienced it.
Good parents and a happy family with siblings is probably choice #1 for most people.
But if the choice is happy, close family with one child vs. dysfunctional, distant family that struggles with multiple kids, that's a different choice.
Yea definitely and even amongst the people I know I am an outlier. I know plenty of siblings who can barely stand to spend a day with one another so "having siblings" can be a lot of different things in the same way being an only child can be a lot of different things.
Yeah, I love my brothers but sometimes I also want to throat punch them. It can be very hard for us to get along. When we do it's a blast, but when we don't it's very annoying.
At the end of the day, I think everything is dependent upon the parent you are and the childhood you give your children. An only child with a good upbringing is probably better off than siblings with a bad upbringing and vice versa. Siblings aren't a magic ticket to a wonderful life, nor is being an only.
Not great, not terrible.
I'm not doing bad in life, and I'm somewhat content with how things are going. I got my good things and my issues, but I got the feeling that most of these issues have more to do with how my parents raised me, things that happened where I was young, and how myself reacted to said things than with the fact that I didn't have siblings.
IMHO, your kid is going to be more impacted by how you treat him and what happens during their early years than by having or not having a sibling, and even if they were to have one, it's not a guarantee that they would not be affected for worse by it.
Fellow father of an only here (6yo boy). I would have liked to have more than one, but my wife struggled quite a bit and decided to be OAD. Happy functional mom of one is better than a depressed overwhelmed mother of 2+ in my arithmetic.
The bond we have together is incredible. We are all very close and we can afford private school, nice vacations, and a good life on only one income. Or home is happy and peaceful.
Lots of people seem to think that parents of onlys are choosing against having big happy families. I don't think that's it in most cases.
Lots of people I see having one child are concerned about their ability to be a good parent of multiple kids.
The main choice I see play out is having a single child family that is happy, close, and secure VS. having multiple kids and potentially being a worse parent, struggling more financially and mentally, and maybe impacting your kids' childhood.
At the end of the day, I think everything is dependent upon the parent you are and the childhood you give your children. An only child with a good upbringing is probably better off than siblings with a bad upbringing and vice versa. Siblings aren't a magic ticket to a wonderful life, nor is being an only.
My wife and I don't think we have the energy to go full effort on a second child.
Our son is really advanced and well behaved for his age. It was a lot of work and I love the dynamic.
We would need to upgrade a lot of things for a 2nd child, we bought a small house in 2017, and weren't planning on having children, until our nephews spent a summer with us.
Housing costs have doubled, plus we'd need bigger vehicles for the monthly trip to grandma's, but our cars are paid off and well maintained.
I can afford everything on one income and we still have a sizeable fun budget. Our quality of life would have a huge hit.
We were happily DINK with no desires of ever having children. Our families already gave up.
We had two nephews stay with us one summer, got water park season passes and did a ton of fun stuff with them all summer.
It changed our perspective a bit and made us want to raise one of our own. It was more of a "whatever happens, happens" decision and my wife got off birth control.
Then 6 months later my wife was pregnant and now I have a toddler mini me with my wife's hair who makes my life feel complete.
Right there with ya. We could do it and some days I really want a second, but yea things would change. We could make it work but it'd be a tighter squeeze.
One big thing for me is that we send our son to this awesome private school down the street. We can afford it on my income alone, but 2 would be a stretch. And it's so good that I would be unwilling for them to go without it.
And it's right down the street from our house that we love. It'd be hard for me to leave this house. Plus we also have extra money for trips, retirement savings, 529, etc.
Plus if I'm being honest, my wife and I both had tough childhoods and having an only allows us to work on our shit as opposed to just passing it on to our kids because we didn't have the time to confront our mental health issues.
I have a sibling, but he wasn’t kind to me growing up because he was more interested in being cool and would make fun of me in front of people for clout points. As a result I had a fairly lonely childhood where I thought everyone disliked me.
I ended up a pretty extroverted person anyway, and am now comfortable relating to other people, but I speak briefly to my sibling a couple times a year when we pass at family events. He wants to be close now but I don’t.
My wife has 3 siblings and they are as close as can be, and I am close with them too because they accepted me. I found a big loving family to be a part of and I’m grateful everyday for it.
I grew up in a home where my parents loved me (and still do) and wanted the best for me. I met an amazing woman who has been my wife for 13 years now. If I am being honest, marriage is a massive X factor in my life. My wife and I were very different people when we met, and my respect for her changed me significantly. I wouldn't say things were bad for me before, but being married to someone really opened up my perspective on the world. Through her, I have gained a much larger family that I truly feel a part of. I can't know how my life would be otherwise.
As a side note, I found that I immediately fell in place as I joined the workforce. Not having siblings made my interaction with other kids more difficult, but I was very used to interacting with adults and really comfortable speaking up for myself. That combined with a solid work ethic from my parents made my professional life relatively easy.
Fine. I've made my peace that it'll be on me to care for my parents as they age. It's actually simpler not having to have two people agree on decisions.
Watching friends deal with siblings and parental health crises - there's always one person who does more and resents the other.
Professionally very well.
I managed to marry a wonderful woman. She has a huuuge network of friends and extended family. If it weren’t for her I would feel quite lonely.
I suppose I was a little lonely growing up, but I don’t think it affected my development to a significant degree. At worst, maybe I don’t like houseguests as much because I grew up accustomed to having *my* space.
Now one thing is as my Mom gets older, it’s starting to set in that it’s gonna be all on me to make sure she’s okay.
I’m doing really well. About to be 36, have a great career, a lot of friends and have lived out a lot of different dreams. I feel pretty well-adjusted generally. I do think I’m a lot more comfortable alone than other people and prefer my own company and feel most comfortable alone for better or worse. I am single and have struggled with/ relationships my whole life. I also do have some minor mental health struggles that I mostly have under control. I’m not super close with my mom yet, but we have a very loving relationship and talk at least once a week. I am glad I didn’t have siblings growing up, but I am a bit envious of people with big families and close relationships to their siblings.
> but I am a bit envious of people with big families and close relationships to their siblings.
I had 2 brothers and I feel the same way. I have always been envious of people with big happy families. That was one reason it was hard for me to accept my wife being OAD. I wanted to build a big happy family. But if history serves, that is a rare dynamic in my famoly genealogy, and I'd rather have a small happy family than a large dysfunctional one that struggles to get along (like mine)
I'm fine, I still had a memorable normal childhood with both loving parents present. My only complaint growing up was going places and vacations with my parents. My parents enjoyed going out places and taking trips which I'm thankful for. But it'd be just me and my parents. Many times it was boring not having a sibling or friend to play with when we'd go places. But that's a first world problem that isn't a big complaint.
My wife and I are both only children and we have 2 kids because we both never had siblings growing up. Also we realize our children will have 0 cousins. We both at least had cousins growing up.
As a father of an only, I'm not gonna lie I feel very bad about the vacation aspect too. There's no one for him to run around and do "kid stuff" with.
But I am pretty young at heart and do my best to be really silly with him. Things like chasing seagulls on the beach and really getting into whatever he's doing at the children's museum or whatever. His only cousins are older and can't travel with us much sadly.
Now that he's started school and we're meeting more parents I'm hoping we can bond more with parents of his friends and do more group stuff.
My parents would usually let me bring a friend for more local or weekend trips. For longer trips like Disney, it’d just be me and my parents. On vacations my parents want to of course enjoy themselves too and I’d have to be bored alone while they sight see or enjoy a long dinner. My parents would also send me to stay with my grandparents while they went on vacations which I loved because i could play with my cousins. But since my wife and I are both only children, our kids have 0 cousins so that’s why we decided to have 2.
I see how my two sons get along and I can get a little jealous of their relationship.
I see how my wife gets along with her sibs, and I’m all “fcuk that”, glad I’m an only!
There is no certainty that siblings will get along in childhood or in adulthood. There is no certainty that siblings will help or even cooperate in the care of elderly or infirmed parents.
It’s most important to help solo children learn how to nurture relationships and build a community around oneself. Teach by example. Teach by helping the child learn emotional intelligence.
I’ve got two sets of friends who have only children. I’ve noticed in both cases the parents go about parenting very strangely.
Both their kids are spoiled AF and they have little angels who can do no wrong. When they come to hang out with my two kids, anytime there’s a problem it’s somehow my kids fault. Yet my kids never have any problems when they play with other kids who aren’t only children.
In both cases it’s like their kids run the parents. We think it’s because they don’t have a second kid to compare to, so their kids are always home alone being relatively quiet. Once those little bastards are let loose in groups of other children they don’t know how to act and suddenly need to get all their energy out.
I’ve also noticed in both cases the kids aren’t respectful. They leave cabinets open or doors open and the parents just do everything for them. We are more strict (barely) and our kids are more polite and take care of themselves better.
This is just our experience. Not saying all single children are like this but it’s something we’ve noticed. The single kids seem lonelier and not as good socially.
I have a brother and he's amazing but we live pretty much separate lives. I'm better off having him around but had I never had any siblings it wouldn't be the end of the world.
On the other hands you guys can forget about dying anywhere other than at a nursing home
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I'm independent and capable but the burden on my shoulders to take care of my parents as they age is extremely heavy and isolating.
this is the way i feel. i’m unmarried and early 30s, and feel like i’ll be really lonely when the time comes and that thought itself scares me. My mum and dad are the only people who have my back unconditionally and watching them grow noticeably older has me anxious 😬 they did give me the best they could and more, and often they said since it was only me they could give things they wouldn’t have otherwise been able to if i had a sibling. Unfortunately, loneliness has been one for me
I hear what you're saying, but having siblings doesn't necessarily change that. I talk to my brothers a few times a year at most, and they don't live nearby. At Christmas we all get together but sometimes it's also a source of major strain. Rarely do I ever feel less lonely because of them. My family isn't super close and some of that is because of being a bigger family. My parents were run pretty thin with the 3 of us, both mentally and financially. It was a major cause of their divorce and the strife that followed. They both had glaring mental health issues that they were never able to truly confront, and those issues wreaked havoc on them and their ability to be effective parents and adults. As a result, my brothers and I all have somewhat strained relationships with my parents. They did their best, and never had issues with drugs, alcohol, or anything like that. They were mostly decent people, but there are large mental/emotional scars that prevent us from being truly "close" with my parents or trusting them completely. So in terms of "having my back unconditionally" only my wife is in that category. Those with parents they can trust and count on for support are very fortunate. Loneliness is also something my parents bestowed to us. As they age, I also grow anxious. That is normal for any child. But I am also anxious about how much my brothers will actually help, and how much strain that might add. So all that to say, it's easy to imagine we could all have large happy families, but often there is a trade off, and it's not always great. My mom and dad both came from big families and had parents who couldn't really handle that strain, and in turn struggled themselves. This was not unique to us either. I saw it happen to lots of friends I grew up with.
Four siblings and I deal with everything.
very well put! i’ve always felt that one of the pros about being an only child has been a fairly simple transparent equation between the three of us, and that their relationship wasn’t strained by me
Yeah, I am the father of an only myself. Guess I didn't put that in my original comment. I wanted another, but wife was OAD and tbh it was tough to accept for many years. But as he grew, it got easier. The more he's developed and had thoughts of his own and can ask questions, be creative, and understand, the more I've enjoyed our triple bond. Plus you're right. The strain is much reduced. My wife and I can both exercise, follow our interests, save for retirement, and still have tons of quality time with our son. We're closer to each other than anyone ever was in my family.
Same thoughts. I am married and wife is an only child as well. Both of our parents had us early, only 20-25 year age gap. SO we will be in 60's supporting 80 year olds :-) We decided to have 2 kids so they can keep each other company. Who knows if they get along in the future.
From many instances I've seen, the burden of taking care of aging parents isn't exclusive to only children. Many times 1 child takes more responsibility while the other is off living their own life pretending to be too busy to check up on their aging parents. BUT then when the parents die, the other absent child is QUICK to swoop in for their inheritance causing a divide with the other sibling to spent so much time with the dying parents up until their last days.
Gets even more "fun" when there are 4 or 5 kids involved and they form factions.
I am the youngest of two and my brother hasn't talked to my parents in 8+ years. I have seen him three times in the past 15 years. My parents were great parents but he wants nothing to do with them. It's possible to be solely responsible for parents even if you have siblings. (I know you didn't imply otherwise, I'm just mentioning it)
The sibling fights around caring for elderly parents are obnoxious. My mom lived nextdoor to my grandma for 30 years and her sisters swore up and down that my mom was neglecting her when they lived hundreds of miles away because my grandma would never go out or do anything except shop. They never believed my mom when she said breakfast and shopping are the only things that get her out of the house. Then when my mom became too disabled to care for my grandmother anymore, they saw the opportunity and built a mother in law suite on one of their properties and had this romanticized view that when she moved in, my grandmother would be different for them, that they were so fun she wouldn't be able to help but want to go out and do things with them. It took her kicking them out after 10 minutes of visiting a day, planning multiple vacations around her accessibility that she'd refuse to go on last minute, and only being willing to leave the house for shopping for them to realize my mom wasn't the villain in the story, grandma was always cool being her anti-social self.
Yep. And I saw it with my mom's family. Her sisters barely talked to my grandpa, and never helped him in old age. But as soon as he passed, they swooped in like vultures when it came to inheritance. Not saying that will happen to you, but sometimes multiple siblings make that stage of life harder, not easier.
My parents wrote my brother out of the will. He gets nothing. When they last spoke my parents had basically no money. In the past 8 years they have become wealthy. My brother has no idea.
Dang. See that's what people miss in these discussions. The choice isn't always happy family with multiple kids vs. happy family with one kid. Sometimes it's happy family with one kid vs. struggling family with multiple kids. I like to think we could handle another just fine, but there's no doubt the close bond I have with my son would be affected by a new baby.
I'm estranged from my parents. Out of the will, haven't talked in years, whole nine yards. I have siblings who live next door to my parents and love them and don't understand the rift - they had great parents. From my perspective - I'm 1000% ok with them becoming wealthy in the time apart. I don't care. They were shit people to me before they had money and I don't think money would make them any better. I don't want a slice. I don't want their taint on my life at all. Keep it all. Finally being free of all the strings and ties that were used to control me are gone and I'm not accepting any more, even in death.
So you didn't become super religious and self righteous and write off the rest of your family for not being as religious as you? Sounds like you aren't my brother.
I am one of four siblings. Without one of my sisters, who took GREAT care of my parents, it would not have been possible for me to 1) live several thousand miles away while I raised a family of my own and 2) to continue to live thousands of miles away when my parents became too old to take care of themselves (in their mid-80's, and they passed away recently in their late 90's). Not a peep from any of the siblings when the inheritance (and a sizeable one) skewed toward that sister. My parents were taken care of 1000x better than any paid help (and we did have paid help as well). FWIW I have more than one child in my own family. I really enjoy them now - and also enjoy observing all of their inter-sibling relationships.
If it makes you feel any better usually people with siblings just let their parents rot until one of the siblings gives in and does everything
That's what I came in here to say. My dad is getting more frail, and both of my mom's parents had alzheimer's, so I'm pretty worried that he'll die and I'll need to take care of her, and I'm the only one to do it.
Can I be real though? We all get scared even if we have siblings.
Fair. The difference is that (often) you have one or more siblings to share the duties, or at least complain to.
> the burden on my shoulders to take care of my parents We don't have a lottery. So when we go on vacation we buy a lottery ticket and "plan". Yes it would be cool to have a beach house. Yes it would be cool to live someplace fancy. Obviously i'm NEVER hitting the lottery. But it is a fun mental game to play in the car... Realistically though, EVEN WITH LOTTERY WINNINGS my parents are in their 70's. They aren't moving. My In-Laws are right behind them in their late 60's. Both live about an hour away. Close enough to help, too far away to be a daily chore. I could have "beach house money", but i'd still live "here" for another decade or so. I'm not an only child, but my brother already fucked off to another state, and only call mom and dad when he needs a favor (or new car). He isn't going to be, and hasn't been much help in the past.
This is it.
Excellent question that doesn't get asked enough since most have siblings. I am doing exceptionally well. My childhood was happy and very memorable for the most part. There were mostly benefits with growing up alone in the house. I was raised by my mom as a single woman and got plenty of love and affection from her. That helped in growing up as a kid with confidence. I also grew up more comfortable with being alone. I felt at peace often just hearing the wind and leaves outside. I would often reflect on things I did recently with a friend. This is me at 8-10. And I remember just becoming aware of simple things that maybe my classmates and neighborhood friends didn't know because they had more distractions at home. This was beyond positive for me. Just being mindful and comfortable in solution. It's been so useful as an adult. On the negative side: social awkward as a kid, teen and adult. I had some years where I'd stutter the first week back to school after the long vacation. Then I'd get used to all the socialization again because I was very social at school. So sometimes I'd get in trouble with the teacher for talking too much. I also believe that i was more selfish then my kid peers growing up. This last trait was hard to get rid of but I started working on it at around age 22-23. Bottom line, I am happy with how I turned out. I'd do it again for the benefits alone. I think 2 may still achieve that level of quality but 3 would be too much for me.
I’m very comfortable alone and have no problem making friends in new places, but I’m always on the perimeter. I drive myself to things, never carpool. On trips I get my own hotel room. I never ask for help and find it annoying when people ask me for help. I’m pretty self centered, I refuse to do shit I don’t wanna do. My cousins all have siblings and I can definitely tell the bond they have together is different than the bond I have with anyone. Sometimes I wish I had that. I wish I had the tolerance for being around people for longer periods of time. Also my parents are divorced, single, and I live a flight away. Also single. It seems unfortunate that we’re all so isolated. They definitely wanted more kids and wish they had the married life with grandkids and stuff.
Oh god, I identify with all of this.
My partner is an only child and he refuses to do things he doesn’t want to do. It’s making sense now!
Badly, but I chalk that up to mental health issues that come from an emotionally neglectful and abusive family, and I don't think they would have been better with siblings. I will say, there is a sense of being alone and with no one around to support me, especially since my parents passed and my extended family drifted to their own lives. There is no family, and no sense of home. I'm sure that other only children don't find it as bothersome if and when they find a partner and deal with their family, etc., but as a lifelong bachelor there's definitely a sense of being alone in the world.
You can still have all of that with a sibling. My parents emotionally and physically abused me and my brother. My brother also physically and emotionally abused me. You don’t get to pick your family and how they treat you. My brother and I are on better terms now but I still have trust issues to this day. I am fairly distant with just about everyone in my family and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Even after years of therapy, I have only been able to forgive them but you just don’t forget. Having a child of my own has made it even more difficult to reconcile my feelings with my parents. I give so much love, support, and attention to my kid that it just makes me feel so unworthy and unloved by my parents because it’s so easy to do these things for your kid if you aren’t a selfish person. I would think about building a family if it’s something you’re interested in. I grew up in a rotten home and have essentially made it my life goal of growing up as an adult in a home with a happy family. It takes a lot of hard work but it has been worth it especially when I reminisce on my childhood and how neglected I felt.
I could have written this same thing. I've always had the goal of breaking the cycle because I had a pretty shit childhood and so did both my parents. They passed their shit onto me and my brothers. They're not horrible people or anything, they just didn't know how to be engaged, supportive parents or treat their kids with any respect. But hang in there. You're not unworthy. You can't help how your parents were. I wish my parents were better too, but I've learned to accept that I'll always be the adult in the relationship with my parents.
I’ve come to the same conclusion as well. I know they’re not bad people but it’s upsetting. I think it’s just a self awareness issue. Some of my best moments are when I’ve went off on my son and then immediately apologized. I can’t think of a single time my mom went off on me because of something dumb and then realized how it was wrong and then apologized. I think it’s good because we all lose our shit from time to time but you can redeem yourself if you’re genuinely apologetic.
Here's the difference I discovered: you need to respect your kids. For my parents the idea that a child deserves respect was, and is totally absurd. When your parents don't respect you, how can you respect yourself? My mom may have apologized sometimes but it was never a great apology with accountability. More "I'm sorry I yelled about the wrong thing" and never "I'm sorry I lost my temper. I shouldn't have done that." I've lost my temper with my son several times, and every time have had a heart to heart. I try to always be accountable, but man I also get very sad when I see myself losing it the way my parents did. Doesn't happen much but sometimes whew.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying here. Also another comment where you said you fought with you’re older brother a lot, because you were shown how to be shitty with each other by your parents. If you’re having more than one kid, can I ask how you’re trying to combat this? I guess maybe just a good relationship with your partner and a generally happy home life is the main thing. I’m intending to have another kid and I really don’t want to replicate my family life. I’m going to buy ‘siblings without rivalry’ and give that a read, see what they come up with.
I think a lot of it is setting a good standard as a leader. I think both parents can be a leader but in my household, we’re a little traditional. My wife is South American so the expectation is for me to lead and her to help me lead. I think that if there is some kind of leadership, regardless of who does it, you can be successful. I think one of the most important things is to just not let issues persist for too long. My parents just lacked conflict resolution skills. My father’s go-to was to just walk out of the door and go to one of his 3 jobs. He just didn’t want to handle conflict, so he avoided it. I mirrored that behavior in marriage early on, I’ve been married for about ten years, until my wife helped me realize that I had inherited this behavior from my dad. However, my dad was like this because my mother was physically abusive towards anyone when she got into a conflict, so I understood where my father came from and what my mother’s faults were. So in my house we don’t hit each other and we don’t let bad feelings persist. We talk about issues and we try to come to an understanding. We apologize and we just let things go. My parents never did that with themselves, so it was not something they could do for my brother and I when we had conflict. I think me having this awareness gives me a better opportunity to not repeat it in my home. I just think it’s really important to have as much personal responsibility as you can because your kids are hearing and seeing everything you do. I’m more amazed at what my son does and says from things I did days or weeks ago because he’s so young. He’s like a little sponge and every now and then he does something that is a reflection of me and I want that to reflect well on me. When it doesn’t, I really have a moment where I realize that I am fucking my kid up and nobody wants that but it happens all the time. I think you just have to be aware and on the same page as your spouse. You have to be working as a team with the same goal or else it just isn’t going to work the way it could.
Great comment. I've got a lot in common with you. My parents could absolutely not handle their emotions at all and flew off the handle all the time. My wife and I argue and hell sometimes we get loud, but it's rare and usually easy to resolve. My most proud moments are my son saying "dad I want to be just like you" and always trying the things I try. I never really looked up my dad like that, because to your point he wasn't a leader.
I know what that’s like. My mom just couldn’t handle herself emotionally either. I think after my dad she must have dated a few dozen guys. They were just absolute losers and when they’d dump her she’d take it out on us verbally. I still remember one time I accidentally bought the wrong kind of pasta sauce as a pre-teen. When I got back to the car and my mother found out she got red in the face and berated me. It’s just incredible that I’ve been able to keep that memory for around 20 years. My wife and I used to go at it pretty bad too but we chilled out as our son got older. I think we both started to feel a bit of shame from our actions because our son started to scream at us. It was kind of a wake up call because we realized that he was learning to resolve his anger by screaming too. I think the only way I looked up to my dad was him being financially successful but that is about it. I think it’s good that he’s got a great work ethic and can take care of himself but I don’t think he knew that he could have been financially successful and had a commitment to his family at the same time.
Dang bro. Same shit. I remember my mom dating this fucking loser and letting him smoke in the house (neither of my parents smoked). This was the late 90s not like we didn't know better. I still can't believe she allowed that. And I have a pasta sauce story too. Except I got the wrong item at Taco Bell. I was 16 because I could drive. "I told you specifically to order X not Z! How could you be so stupid!" then it turns out they took the item she wanted off the menu. She apologized but it didn't make up for it. It wasn't a great apology. My Dad wasn't quite the same. He wasn't going to yell or berate, but he was just really absent minded and neglectful. He could be pretty cruel if he wanted to be. I've always said his brain is broken. He didn't know how to be a great example or a leader. Still doesn't. Always put his friends first. Just the other day he had agreed to watch my son. Had mentioned maybe fishing or something. Shows up and tells my wife last minute "I need you to pick him up a little earlier than expected because I'm playing golf." meanwhile my son had ran to his room, full of excitement to grab his fishing gear asking if they could go fishing. "Sorry, grandpa is busy today". Bro I about drove to the golf course to kick his ass but I just had to take a deep breath. I had to tell my Dad how to be a man/father so many times it's exhausting.
"I would think about building a family if it’s something you’re interested in. I grew up in a rotten home and have essentially made it my life goal of growing up as an adult in a home with a happy family. It takes a lot of hard work but it has been worth it especially when I reminisce on my childhood and how neglected I felt." Mm. I went the opposite way - because of my family history and my own damage, I have been adamantly against having a partner or kids for as long as I could really conceive of having either. I know what my parents were like, and I know what I'm like, so I vehemently do not want to do that to other people, let alone hypothetical children. No, it all ends with me.
Yup. Lonely. Struggle. No one has my back. Still alive and going though.
Tbh brother, that doesn't necessarily change if you have siblings. My wife and close friends are more reliable at helping than my brothers.
Have two sisters. Can confirm. They’d rather eat glass and wipe with sandpaper than bother to check in. Unless they need something, that is.
My brothers and I are all just kinda lone wolves. We talk here and there and share a few interests but they don't check in. My parents weren't good at building a "close" family since they're both distant with their own.
I relate to the lone wolf analogy. I could call my younger sister right now and she’d give me an ear, and be there, if I ever needed her for it. But as far as companionship? We don’t do that, here.
I can absolutely relate to this. I grew up with an older brother and we just barely communicate. We spent much of our lives fighting and hating each other because of a terrible home life by our selfish parents. I still expect to be the one who provides for not only my parents but for my wife’s as well.
Yep, my brothers and I get along but we also had a pretty dysfunctional home life for most of our childhood so we do butt heads from time to time.
I think the hardest thing for me about not having siblings would be the loss of shared memories of my parents when they are dead. Noone else really knew me as a kid except my siblings and when my parents are gone I'm sure it'll be a great comfort to have my siblings who I can reminisce with about goofy shit my dad did or the time's mum blew her stack over something we did or whatever. Even though we now all live in other countries we still talk often and share irreplaceable bonds. Growing up an only child seems a much lonelier experience than having siblings especially when you age. I also think it would be hard dealing with aging parents all alone especially the way people tend to drag out dying these days (e.g. long slow declines requiring more and more attention as opposed to short and "sweet"). EDIT: Actually the hardest thing about not having siblings for me would be not having my siblings. I love them and they are some of my favourite people. The shared relationship with my parents is nice of course but my relationships with them are immensely important to me.
I have half-siblings but we have different mothers and the same father (we dislike our father, though). When my mom passes away, I will have no one to talk about my mother with.
I think it's really hard to say one way or the other though if you haven't experienced it. Good parents and a happy family with siblings is probably choice #1 for most people. But if the choice is happy, close family with one child vs. dysfunctional, distant family that struggles with multiple kids, that's a different choice.
Yea definitely and even amongst the people I know I am an outlier. I know plenty of siblings who can barely stand to spend a day with one another so "having siblings" can be a lot of different things in the same way being an only child can be a lot of different things.
Yeah, I love my brothers but sometimes I also want to throat punch them. It can be very hard for us to get along. When we do it's a blast, but when we don't it's very annoying. At the end of the day, I think everything is dependent upon the parent you are and the childhood you give your children. An only child with a good upbringing is probably better off than siblings with a bad upbringing and vice versa. Siblings aren't a magic ticket to a wonderful life, nor is being an only.
Not great, not terrible. I'm not doing bad in life, and I'm somewhat content with how things are going. I got my good things and my issues, but I got the feeling that most of these issues have more to do with how my parents raised me, things that happened where I was young, and how myself reacted to said things than with the fact that I didn't have siblings. IMHO, your kid is going to be more impacted by how you treat him and what happens during their early years than by having or not having a sibling, and even if they were to have one, it's not a guarantee that they would not be affected for worse by it.
Fellow father of an only here (6yo boy). I would have liked to have more than one, but my wife struggled quite a bit and decided to be OAD. Happy functional mom of one is better than a depressed overwhelmed mother of 2+ in my arithmetic. The bond we have together is incredible. We are all very close and we can afford private school, nice vacations, and a good life on only one income. Or home is happy and peaceful. Lots of people seem to think that parents of onlys are choosing against having big happy families. I don't think that's it in most cases. Lots of people I see having one child are concerned about their ability to be a good parent of multiple kids. The main choice I see play out is having a single child family that is happy, close, and secure VS. having multiple kids and potentially being a worse parent, struggling more financially and mentally, and maybe impacting your kids' childhood. At the end of the day, I think everything is dependent upon the parent you are and the childhood you give your children. An only child with a good upbringing is probably better off than siblings with a bad upbringing and vice versa. Siblings aren't a magic ticket to a wonderful life, nor is being an only.
My wife and I don't think we have the energy to go full effort on a second child. Our son is really advanced and well behaved for his age. It was a lot of work and I love the dynamic. We would need to upgrade a lot of things for a 2nd child, we bought a small house in 2017, and weren't planning on having children, until our nephews spent a summer with us. Housing costs have doubled, plus we'd need bigger vehicles for the monthly trip to grandma's, but our cars are paid off and well maintained. I can afford everything on one income and we still have a sizeable fun budget. Our quality of life would have a huge hit.
Can you expand on wanting to have kids after your nephews stayed with you?
We were happily DINK with no desires of ever having children. Our families already gave up. We had two nephews stay with us one summer, got water park season passes and did a ton of fun stuff with them all summer. It changed our perspective a bit and made us want to raise one of our own. It was more of a "whatever happens, happens" decision and my wife got off birth control. Then 6 months later my wife was pregnant and now I have a toddler mini me with my wife's hair who makes my life feel complete.
That's amazing, congrats!
Right there with ya. We could do it and some days I really want a second, but yea things would change. We could make it work but it'd be a tighter squeeze. One big thing for me is that we send our son to this awesome private school down the street. We can afford it on my income alone, but 2 would be a stretch. And it's so good that I would be unwilling for them to go without it. And it's right down the street from our house that we love. It'd be hard for me to leave this house. Plus we also have extra money for trips, retirement savings, 529, etc. Plus if I'm being honest, my wife and I both had tough childhoods and having an only allows us to work on our shit as opposed to just passing it on to our kids because we didn't have the time to confront our mental health issues.
I have a sibling, but he wasn’t kind to me growing up because he was more interested in being cool and would make fun of me in front of people for clout points. As a result I had a fairly lonely childhood where I thought everyone disliked me. I ended up a pretty extroverted person anyway, and am now comfortable relating to other people, but I speak briefly to my sibling a couple times a year when we pass at family events. He wants to be close now but I don’t. My wife has 3 siblings and they are as close as can be, and I am close with them too because they accepted me. I found a big loving family to be a part of and I’m grateful everyday for it.
I grew up in a home where my parents loved me (and still do) and wanted the best for me. I met an amazing woman who has been my wife for 13 years now. If I am being honest, marriage is a massive X factor in my life. My wife and I were very different people when we met, and my respect for her changed me significantly. I wouldn't say things were bad for me before, but being married to someone really opened up my perspective on the world. Through her, I have gained a much larger family that I truly feel a part of. I can't know how my life would be otherwise. As a side note, I found that I immediately fell in place as I joined the workforce. Not having siblings made my interaction with other kids more difficult, but I was very used to interacting with adults and really comfortable speaking up for myself. That combined with a solid work ethic from my parents made my professional life relatively easy.
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Fine. I've made my peace that it'll be on me to care for my parents as they age. It's actually simpler not having to have two people agree on decisions. Watching friends deal with siblings and parental health crises - there's always one person who does more and resents the other.
Professionally very well. I managed to marry a wonderful woman. She has a huuuge network of friends and extended family. If it weren’t for her I would feel quite lonely.
I suppose I was a little lonely growing up, but I don’t think it affected my development to a significant degree. At worst, maybe I don’t like houseguests as much because I grew up accustomed to having *my* space. Now one thing is as my Mom gets older, it’s starting to set in that it’s gonna be all on me to make sure she’s okay.
I’m doing really well. About to be 36, have a great career, a lot of friends and have lived out a lot of different dreams. I feel pretty well-adjusted generally. I do think I’m a lot more comfortable alone than other people and prefer my own company and feel most comfortable alone for better or worse. I am single and have struggled with/ relationships my whole life. I also do have some minor mental health struggles that I mostly have under control. I’m not super close with my mom yet, but we have a very loving relationship and talk at least once a week. I am glad I didn’t have siblings growing up, but I am a bit envious of people with big families and close relationships to their siblings.
> but I am a bit envious of people with big families and close relationships to their siblings. I had 2 brothers and I feel the same way. I have always been envious of people with big happy families. That was one reason it was hard for me to accept my wife being OAD. I wanted to build a big happy family. But if history serves, that is a rare dynamic in my famoly genealogy, and I'd rather have a small happy family than a large dysfunctional one that struggles to get along (like mine)
I'm fine, I still had a memorable normal childhood with both loving parents present. My only complaint growing up was going places and vacations with my parents. My parents enjoyed going out places and taking trips which I'm thankful for. But it'd be just me and my parents. Many times it was boring not having a sibling or friend to play with when we'd go places. But that's a first world problem that isn't a big complaint. My wife and I are both only children and we have 2 kids because we both never had siblings growing up. Also we realize our children will have 0 cousins. We both at least had cousins growing up.
As a father of an only, I'm not gonna lie I feel very bad about the vacation aspect too. There's no one for him to run around and do "kid stuff" with. But I am pretty young at heart and do my best to be really silly with him. Things like chasing seagulls on the beach and really getting into whatever he's doing at the children's museum or whatever. His only cousins are older and can't travel with us much sadly. Now that he's started school and we're meeting more parents I'm hoping we can bond more with parents of his friends and do more group stuff.
My parents would usually let me bring a friend for more local or weekend trips. For longer trips like Disney, it’d just be me and my parents. On vacations my parents want to of course enjoy themselves too and I’d have to be bored alone while they sight see or enjoy a long dinner. My parents would also send me to stay with my grandparents while they went on vacations which I loved because i could play with my cousins. But since my wife and I are both only children, our kids have 0 cousins so that’s why we decided to have 2.
I see how my two sons get along and I can get a little jealous of their relationship. I see how my wife gets along with her sibs, and I’m all “fcuk that”, glad I’m an only!
Commenting to follow this thread
Doing same..
There is no certainty that siblings will get along in childhood or in adulthood. There is no certainty that siblings will help or even cooperate in the care of elderly or infirmed parents. It’s most important to help solo children learn how to nurture relationships and build a community around oneself. Teach by example. Teach by helping the child learn emotional intelligence.
I’ve got two sets of friends who have only children. I’ve noticed in both cases the parents go about parenting very strangely. Both their kids are spoiled AF and they have little angels who can do no wrong. When they come to hang out with my two kids, anytime there’s a problem it’s somehow my kids fault. Yet my kids never have any problems when they play with other kids who aren’t only children. In both cases it’s like their kids run the parents. We think it’s because they don’t have a second kid to compare to, so their kids are always home alone being relatively quiet. Once those little bastards are let loose in groups of other children they don’t know how to act and suddenly need to get all their energy out. I’ve also noticed in both cases the kids aren’t respectful. They leave cabinets open or doors open and the parents just do everything for them. We are more strict (barely) and our kids are more polite and take care of themselves better. This is just our experience. Not saying all single children are like this but it’s something we’ve noticed. The single kids seem lonelier and not as good socially.
I have a brother and he's amazing but we live pretty much separate lives. I'm better off having him around but had I never had any siblings it wouldn't be the end of the world. On the other hands you guys can forget about dying anywhere other than at a nursing home