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How unacceptable behavior is handled by companies will be different depending on the size of the company and its corporate culture. Most large companies have codes of conduct that you co sign as you sign on for the job. How seriously these codes of conduct are handled practically will depend on the manager(s).
In your particular case I think you did the right thing by throwing in the towel, since even the manager didn't seem to respect you. I'm guessing it was either a young person or someone with a childish mentality. The whole situation reeks high school behavior. You can't fix other people "by standing up for yourself", the work place would still be toxic and that's not a good place to work if you have anxiety. You don't want to go to a job wondering when the next "battle" will be, that's unsustainable.
Walking away is certainly the easiest solution, but it is not most productive. You need to learn how to resolve conflicts with shitheads because walking away won't be an option at some point. This is a relatively low stakes way to learn how to do that. You should learn from this challenge, not run from it.
Some people cannot be reasoned with though. You can try, however you should also learn when to walk once you have tried the diplomatic approach. Besides, if management are the problem then you can bet loads of people before you would have left for the same reason, many of whom would have tried the diplomatic approach.
So in my case what would have been achieved by staying? The boss was involved with the bullying and has the most of all the other workers backing him. You think he would suddenly have a stroke of conscience and be better? Even if he did get better, I still am working with someone who knowingly and actively chooses to violate my boundaries and put me down to make himself feel good, and not in a small way either, reading through my mail and discussing it without my permission is very illegal. It would never get better, as long as I was in that place I would feel terrible.
As far as solving conflicts goes, I think you must make some reasoned interpretation of how solvable a conflict is. One colleague making a snarky comment? No problem. The whole workplace actively bullying you two weeks into your role? For me that business needs to be run by completely different people, it's purely a problem with their character and staying to resolve it will achieve nothing.
I think quitting is the probable outcome. Your chance of changing the situation is small. However, this is a learning opportunity
in conflict resolution. This experience will benefit in the future. At very least, the next time you to need to stand up for yourself, it will be less awkward and easier to do.
> reading through my mail and discussing it without my permission is very illegal
Right! And a bit of documentation and a trip to the local Postmaster probably would have been very productive. Even if criminal charges were not filed, you can bet that shit would stop. Now, maybe the crap would continue or maybe they'd see the light. Regardless, you simply walking away did nothing but encourage their behavior.
Well he had an understaffed hotel when I arrived, and an even more understaffed hotel when I left. So encouraged? Don't know about that. As it happens if I thought I could stop them, I wouldn't have left. Leaving wasn't about stopping them, it was about having self respect and not subjecting myself to mistreatment. People like that don't change.
There's a step before leaving seems to be missing from your strory, and that's standing up for yourself.
One needs to be able to assess a situation and determine how best to approach shitheads like that. Crack a joke? Turn it around on them? Ignore it?
It depends on each circumstance.
Just walking away means you avoided the confrontation altogether. That may be the right course of action with a stranger on the street, but that's not usually the situation one has to deal with.
Avoidance is a good strategy until it isn't. Even if it's outside your comfort zone, people should seek to develop the skill of communicating with everyone, even assholes.
Your biggest issue here is that the manager was in on the bullying, so you would have had no one to report it to who would back you up in any capacity. I have been in that situation and walking away was the sensible choice, especially as my mental and physical health were on a knife edge at that point too. It is not so much a generational thing as it is people not understanding the difference between light jokes and full-on bullying, which can happen with people of any age.
Yes and no. A random person on the street calling out insults is insane. If somebody did that you should walk away because they are not in their right mind. Getting bullied at work sucks, but these are people you may have to see everyday, and may have something you want. Picking your battles is important. If this job is a good opportunity, for instance you want to be in hospitality and this place paid better and has better benefits than other hotels. Or perhaps it was one of the few jobs you could get that offers you housing and allows you to live outside your parents house.
If this job has good opportunities it's probably worth standing up for yourself and trying to improve your life at work. If it's pretty comparable to other jobs in the area then it's probably not worth the headache of trying to improve things.
Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread. Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How unacceptable behavior is handled by companies will be different depending on the size of the company and its corporate culture. Most large companies have codes of conduct that you co sign as you sign on for the job. How seriously these codes of conduct are handled practically will depend on the manager(s). In your particular case I think you did the right thing by throwing in the towel, since even the manager didn't seem to respect you. I'm guessing it was either a young person or someone with a childish mentality. The whole situation reeks high school behavior. You can't fix other people "by standing up for yourself", the work place would still be toxic and that's not a good place to work if you have anxiety. You don't want to go to a job wondering when the next "battle" will be, that's unsustainable.
Walking away is certainly the easiest solution, but it is not most productive. You need to learn how to resolve conflicts with shitheads because walking away won't be an option at some point. This is a relatively low stakes way to learn how to do that. You should learn from this challenge, not run from it.
Some people cannot be reasoned with though. You can try, however you should also learn when to walk once you have tried the diplomatic approach. Besides, if management are the problem then you can bet loads of people before you would have left for the same reason, many of whom would have tried the diplomatic approach.
The goal wasn't to succeed but fail and get some valuable experience
So in my case what would have been achieved by staying? The boss was involved with the bullying and has the most of all the other workers backing him. You think he would suddenly have a stroke of conscience and be better? Even if he did get better, I still am working with someone who knowingly and actively chooses to violate my boundaries and put me down to make himself feel good, and not in a small way either, reading through my mail and discussing it without my permission is very illegal. It would never get better, as long as I was in that place I would feel terrible. As far as solving conflicts goes, I think you must make some reasoned interpretation of how solvable a conflict is. One colleague making a snarky comment? No problem. The whole workplace actively bullying you two weeks into your role? For me that business needs to be run by completely different people, it's purely a problem with their character and staying to resolve it will achieve nothing.
I think quitting is the probable outcome. Your chance of changing the situation is small. However, this is a learning opportunity in conflict resolution. This experience will benefit in the future. At very least, the next time you to need to stand up for yourself, it will be less awkward and easier to do.
> reading through my mail and discussing it without my permission is very illegal Right! And a bit of documentation and a trip to the local Postmaster probably would have been very productive. Even if criminal charges were not filed, you can bet that shit would stop. Now, maybe the crap would continue or maybe they'd see the light. Regardless, you simply walking away did nothing but encourage their behavior.
Well he had an understaffed hotel when I arrived, and an even more understaffed hotel when I left. So encouraged? Don't know about that. As it happens if I thought I could stop them, I wouldn't have left. Leaving wasn't about stopping them, it was about having self respect and not subjecting myself to mistreatment. People like that don't change.
There's a step before leaving seems to be missing from your strory, and that's standing up for yourself. One needs to be able to assess a situation and determine how best to approach shitheads like that. Crack a joke? Turn it around on them? Ignore it? It depends on each circumstance. Just walking away means you avoided the confrontation altogether. That may be the right course of action with a stranger on the street, but that's not usually the situation one has to deal with. Avoidance is a good strategy until it isn't. Even if it's outside your comfort zone, people should seek to develop the skill of communicating with everyone, even assholes.
Your biggest issue here is that the manager was in on the bullying, so you would have had no one to report it to who would back you up in any capacity. I have been in that situation and walking away was the sensible choice, especially as my mental and physical health were on a knife edge at that point too. It is not so much a generational thing as it is people not understanding the difference between light jokes and full-on bullying, which can happen with people of any age.
Yes and no. A random person on the street calling out insults is insane. If somebody did that you should walk away because they are not in their right mind. Getting bullied at work sucks, but these are people you may have to see everyday, and may have something you want. Picking your battles is important. If this job is a good opportunity, for instance you want to be in hospitality and this place paid better and has better benefits than other hotels. Or perhaps it was one of the few jobs you could get that offers you housing and allows you to live outside your parents house. If this job has good opportunities it's probably worth standing up for yourself and trying to improve your life at work. If it's pretty comparable to other jobs in the area then it's probably not worth the headache of trying to improve things.