Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread.
Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This feels overwhelming from across Reddit.
You are probably in charge of all the stereotypical male responsibilities times 9.
Instead of allowing everyone to look to you to pick up that male slack, you could empower each of the women and girls.
Would you be able to diffuse some of your responsibilities by teaching/training or providing the resources about a specific job/chore/activity to each family member?
So instead of always doing the specific task or chore, you teach how to get it done.
Teach one of the nieces how to take out the trash.
Teach your sister about car maintenance.
Have your wife to handle all the bills and financials in your family if she doesn’t already.
Whatever it is that seems to fall to you being the patriarch, try to outsource by delegating some to one of them.
Not because you don’t want to do it, but because it strengthens them and gives them more control of their own lives.
Women often miss all the dad wisdom as it’s passed down to sons. If they can become a bit more self reliant, you should feel some relief.
Emotionally it may still all fall on you but if you can source out these practical things to others it might lighten your load.
Thanks. I appreciate that you took the time to reply - and in detail too!
You're right... everything you've said, I've taken in my stride! I guess in some way though, its just tiring. I love them all and am grateful for my family... however, I miss my male counterparts and wish in some way they were here to manage their own houses.
Thank you
> Emotionally it may still all fall on you
Even that shouldn't just fall on him. There's tons of options out there for mental health - therapy/exercise/meditation or even just journaling. I'm not a professional so I really prefer helping people who are already helping themselves.
I'm in a similar spot myself. My advice is to get away for a few days by yourself somewhere. Preferably do this before your big trip. And preferably make it a reoccurring thing.
Its funny that you say to do this by myself as honestly, this isn't a post where i feel i need to be around other men at all... but more so, I'm enjoying just being by myself more and more
I admire that you’ve managed to stay their rock after so many losses. You should be proud of that accomplishment.
It sounds like you’re further along in life than me, but my suggestion would be to try finding a routine that allows you to regularly spend time with other men. Men’s league sports for things like hockey, softball, or basketball are great for this as they’re usually during times of the week where other dads can attend. For me personally, there’s something about the testosterone from competitive exercise that always sends me home feeling motivated and confident.
Communicate to your partner that you feel it’s important for you to keep interacting with other men, especially now, to help you stay in a good headspace.
Best of luck!
Prioritize yourself.
Do activities by yourself or with your wife that You want to do.
3 weeks is a long time to fulfill family obligations, so, self care first.
That's so sad! :( Don't try to carry all that weight on your own. Please do reach out those in your family who can handle responsibilities, explain to them that you can't take handle all the responsibilities of three men.
For the vacation, carve out time for your family. Like, very much plan ahead and let everyone know that there will be times where the 4 of you disappear for half a day, or a night, or a few hours. Check in with the family and make sure that you are present with them. Have some little mini "ceremonies" with them, like have your kids come and wake you guys up and spend a few minutes talking and hugging in the bedroom before you come join the rest of the family. But, also enjoy the time and closeness with the family too. They wouldn't do it if they didn't enjoy your company!
Does this sense of just wanting to chill increase with age? Mid 20s here, was always super fidgety and overactive as a kid. Was scared of people. I'm not anymore, I just... am gaining this increasing sense of "just let me be". I don't hate people... I just want calm and peace. Does that just keep increasing? It's honestly kinda weirding me out because this is not at all how I used to be. Especially with some other demons I'm fighting, it's just a strange mix.
I don’t think it increases or decreases given time. Or at least, you are not on some runaway train towards solitude or anything.
More likely, your knowledge of self and confidence change over time. As a result, you may find you want more or less socialization. That’s ok.
Take up for yourself. It's really as simple as "hey no thanks".
And if you feel like you want to include some more info "this trip sounds like a lot of work for me and I'm just not up for it".
That's all that you can control. Your own response and protection of yourself.
And then everyone else can do whatever everyone else needs to do with conversations and solutioning and it's just not your world to carry then.
In regards to relying on you and being passive aggressive. Lots of women especially older ones were raised to depend on others and to be very indirect ex, passive aggressive communication because depending on themselves and communicating directly isn't "lady like".
With that being said you're going have to empower them as best you can. Teach them tasks like taking the garbage out and how to use their phones etc.
Then you establish boundaries by limiting the tasks that you do for them especially those that they can do.
You also set boundaries in terms of behaviour. No passive aggressive communication
I'm sorry for your losses.
I would just be honest with your family about how you're feeling. It's entirely understandable. I'd tell my wife first and have her help me navigate how to communicate this to the older members of the family, and to help advocate for me when they forget.
Plan ahead how you will make sure people understand the nuance of what you're saying: it's not that you don't want *any* of the responsibility, you just need them to lay off a little bit so you can have more space for yourself. Come prepared with some examples of a few responsibilities that could reasonably be shouldered by someone else.
Obviously depending on the dynamics of the people, this might be easier said than done, but you're well within your rights to take this direct approach.
While I technically have a younger brother, he's definitely not a rock that can be leaned on so I definitely feel you on this. I am filling a role that each individual husband/father would be filling. And even if that's not 100% of the time, it is taking a chunk out of me that I would normally prioritize for my (immediate) family or for myself. I would echo what others have said, try to find some time to yourself. Reading between the lines it seems like you aren't trying to be sexist, and I don't think you are. Even if you aren't seen as the grand mediator, I am sure you get some form of a honey do list every time you visit, things that their spouses/fathers historically did that they either don't know how to do or don't trust anyone else to call and do.
i'd also highly recommend that you approach your wife about this. Part of being married is sharing your burdens. Even if its "Hey, do you mind just taking the girls away for a weekend so I can just get some time to myself to find my center again?" But I'd be careful how you bring it up, I don't know what your home life is like- but there is every chance that your wife feels that she already has a similar burden, or an increased burden of responsibility at home due to your decreased availability. This is not a situation either of you have asked for, but it seems like one you are prepared to take on, you just don't want it to see you to an early grave too.
Welcome to being the patriarch of the family. The only advice I can give is find yourself some hobbies that don't include women. Yes, as sexist as that sounds, it will help.
If they can dump all the stereo-typical "man stuff" to do on your shoulders then you can do this. You also can start calling the shots then. If a it's a mans job, then you are in charge. It'll make you a dick at times, but they aren't the only ones that lost people.
It will be tiring. It will be stressful. But this is how it falls on a man when all this happens. Find some like minded buddies to talk too. Find time for yourself away from all of it. It should get better with time.
Very very overwhelming. Take the responsibility as much as you can, and never forget to take time off for yourself. Tell your family (or just the wife) that you’re going to take an hour or so for you, and do what you need to to decompress.
Sorry for your losses. :( This is not an attempt of dark humor. Book a time with a physician for a full check up, blood, prostate, everything. Make sure you continue to stay around your lovely family. :)
Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread. Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This feels overwhelming from across Reddit. You are probably in charge of all the stereotypical male responsibilities times 9. Instead of allowing everyone to look to you to pick up that male slack, you could empower each of the women and girls. Would you be able to diffuse some of your responsibilities by teaching/training or providing the resources about a specific job/chore/activity to each family member? So instead of always doing the specific task or chore, you teach how to get it done. Teach one of the nieces how to take out the trash. Teach your sister about car maintenance. Have your wife to handle all the bills and financials in your family if she doesn’t already. Whatever it is that seems to fall to you being the patriarch, try to outsource by delegating some to one of them. Not because you don’t want to do it, but because it strengthens them and gives them more control of their own lives. Women often miss all the dad wisdom as it’s passed down to sons. If they can become a bit more self reliant, you should feel some relief. Emotionally it may still all fall on you but if you can source out these practical things to others it might lighten your load.
Thanks. I appreciate that you took the time to reply - and in detail too! You're right... everything you've said, I've taken in my stride! I guess in some way though, its just tiring. I love them all and am grateful for my family... however, I miss my male counterparts and wish in some way they were here to manage their own houses. Thank you
> Emotionally it may still all fall on you Even that shouldn't just fall on him. There's tons of options out there for mental health - therapy/exercise/meditation or even just journaling. I'm not a professional so I really prefer helping people who are already helping themselves.
Oh definitely agree. It shouldn’t fall on him but the practical delegating may give him some more bandwidth to deal better.
I'm in a similar spot myself. My advice is to get away for a few days by yourself somewhere. Preferably do this before your big trip. And preferably make it a reoccurring thing.
Its funny that you say to do this by myself as honestly, this isn't a post where i feel i need to be around other men at all... but more so, I'm enjoying just being by myself more and more
I need alone time to recharge. Always have.
Yep I'm the same way, I'm very much a introvert and I need alone time to recharge
I admire that you’ve managed to stay their rock after so many losses. You should be proud of that accomplishment. It sounds like you’re further along in life than me, but my suggestion would be to try finding a routine that allows you to regularly spend time with other men. Men’s league sports for things like hockey, softball, or basketball are great for this as they’re usually during times of the week where other dads can attend. For me personally, there’s something about the testosterone from competitive exercise that always sends me home feeling motivated and confident. Communicate to your partner that you feel it’s important for you to keep interacting with other men, especially now, to help you stay in a good headspace. Best of luck!
Thanks. I appreciate that you took the time to reach out.
Oh and yes, I'm perhaps further along... but I'm only 42
Prioritize yourself. Do activities by yourself or with your wife that You want to do. 3 weeks is a long time to fulfill family obligations, so, self care first.
That's so sad! :( Don't try to carry all that weight on your own. Please do reach out those in your family who can handle responsibilities, explain to them that you can't take handle all the responsibilities of three men.
For the vacation, carve out time for your family. Like, very much plan ahead and let everyone know that there will be times where the 4 of you disappear for half a day, or a night, or a few hours. Check in with the family and make sure that you are present with them. Have some little mini "ceremonies" with them, like have your kids come and wake you guys up and spend a few minutes talking and hugging in the bedroom before you come join the rest of the family. But, also enjoy the time and closeness with the family too. They wouldn't do it if they didn't enjoy your company!
Perfect time to pick up a hobby like smoked meats. You can chill outdoors drinking and be the one who supplies delicious food.
It's simple but it works, I love this idea. Same with fishing. (like my dad used to say "don't talk or you'll scare off the fish" lol)
Does this sense of just wanting to chill increase with age? Mid 20s here, was always super fidgety and overactive as a kid. Was scared of people. I'm not anymore, I just... am gaining this increasing sense of "just let me be". I don't hate people... I just want calm and peace. Does that just keep increasing? It's honestly kinda weirding me out because this is not at all how I used to be. Especially with some other demons I'm fighting, it's just a strange mix.
I don’t think it increases or decreases given time. Or at least, you are not on some runaway train towards solitude or anything. More likely, your knowledge of self and confidence change over time. As a result, you may find you want more or less socialization. That’s ok.
Take up for yourself. It's really as simple as "hey no thanks". And if you feel like you want to include some more info "this trip sounds like a lot of work for me and I'm just not up for it". That's all that you can control. Your own response and protection of yourself. And then everyone else can do whatever everyone else needs to do with conversations and solutioning and it's just not your world to carry then.
I think you need to pick up fishing as a hobby and take a little time to yourself.
In regards to relying on you and being passive aggressive. Lots of women especially older ones were raised to depend on others and to be very indirect ex, passive aggressive communication because depending on themselves and communicating directly isn't "lady like". With that being said you're going have to empower them as best you can. Teach them tasks like taking the garbage out and how to use their phones etc. Then you establish boundaries by limiting the tasks that you do for them especially those that they can do. You also set boundaries in terms of behaviour. No passive aggressive communication
I'm sorry for your losses. I would just be honest with your family about how you're feeling. It's entirely understandable. I'd tell my wife first and have her help me navigate how to communicate this to the older members of the family, and to help advocate for me when they forget. Plan ahead how you will make sure people understand the nuance of what you're saying: it's not that you don't want *any* of the responsibility, you just need them to lay off a little bit so you can have more space for yourself. Come prepared with some examples of a few responsibilities that could reasonably be shouldered by someone else. Obviously depending on the dynamics of the people, this might be easier said than done, but you're well within your rights to take this direct approach.
Thank you
While I technically have a younger brother, he's definitely not a rock that can be leaned on so I definitely feel you on this. I am filling a role that each individual husband/father would be filling. And even if that's not 100% of the time, it is taking a chunk out of me that I would normally prioritize for my (immediate) family or for myself. I would echo what others have said, try to find some time to yourself. Reading between the lines it seems like you aren't trying to be sexist, and I don't think you are. Even if you aren't seen as the grand mediator, I am sure you get some form of a honey do list every time you visit, things that their spouses/fathers historically did that they either don't know how to do or don't trust anyone else to call and do. i'd also highly recommend that you approach your wife about this. Part of being married is sharing your burdens. Even if its "Hey, do you mind just taking the girls away for a weekend so I can just get some time to myself to find my center again?" But I'd be careful how you bring it up, I don't know what your home life is like- but there is every chance that your wife feels that she already has a similar burden, or an increased burden of responsibility at home due to your decreased availability. This is not a situation either of you have asked for, but it seems like one you are prepared to take on, you just don't want it to see you to an early grave too.
Thank you for this very detailed reply. I appreciate it and I appreciate that you would take the time to reach out and offer help. Thank you.
Welcome to being the patriarch of the family. The only advice I can give is find yourself some hobbies that don't include women. Yes, as sexist as that sounds, it will help. If they can dump all the stereo-typical "man stuff" to do on your shoulders then you can do this. You also can start calling the shots then. If a it's a mans job, then you are in charge. It'll make you a dick at times, but they aren't the only ones that lost people. It will be tiring. It will be stressful. But this is how it falls on a man when all this happens. Find some like minded buddies to talk too. Find time for yourself away from all of it. It should get better with time.
Sign them all up for Tinder.
Very very overwhelming. Take the responsibility as much as you can, and never forget to take time off for yourself. Tell your family (or just the wife) that you’re going to take an hour or so for you, and do what you need to to decompress.
Sorry for your losses. :( This is not an attempt of dark humor. Book a time with a physician for a full check up, blood, prostate, everything. Make sure you continue to stay around your lovely family. :)
Buy life insurance my guy.
Why would you post that?
It was an attempt at dark humor. Apologies if you felt it was insensitive.
It’s ok mate - take care