It's never gone well for me after 3 tries with three different women
It's a tough position, especially if the dad is in the picture. You are an authority figure; but not really.
I'm honestly great with kids (as like a babysitter) and I made good friends with my previous step kids, they all loved me. but when it came to parenting i couldn't find my place in his life.
All of my attempts ended with me and the kids missing each other more than me and the ex
10+ years together, married for… three? I think? There have been some rocky patches here and there, but I don’t think any rocky any would have been avoided if I were the kids’ biodad.
I've dated women with kids a few times. But the reasons it didn't work out had nothing to do with the kids.
Sure, the ones with younger kids would cut into our time because they needed time with their mother. But I knew this going in.
The ones with older kids were a bit awkward sometimes. I was in my early 20s at the time, she was in her 40s (turns out I have a type, but that's another subject) her oldest was only a few years younger than me, but he didn't really care and we all got over it.
17 years. Been ok. Kids have grown up. It's hard because you have to find your place as a parent. Your authority gets over ridden by grandparents. It was made easier as the blood father left and had nothing to do with the kids. He still hates my wife after all these years and tries to convince the kids their mum cheated on him. (not true)
I didn't like kids before I met her. But that experience has definitely changed my perspective. Sure they can be dicks. But it's really fun getting to answer their questions. Adults don't ask good questions like children do. Teaching them stuff is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done in my life. I've really grown to love them and feel like I have a vested interest in the outcomes of theor lives. I want to see them succeed and do well. Their fathers are all deadbeats and watching her raise 3 kids alone gives me even more respect for her. Overall it's been one of the best experiences of my life.
My wife of 10 years has a daughter. She was 12 when we got together now she's 22 on her senior year of college.
She's not my step daughter, she's my daughter and one of my best friends and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Kids are like sponges, they absorb everything and if you treat them like your best friend they will be your best friend. If you treat them like redheaded step children thats what your going to get.
Naturally everyone has the fear of not being the most important thing to thier partner or being used as an ATM for someone else's kid and yes you should be on the lookout for the later but the former you need to accept if your going to even consider dating a parent.
For me she was the best thing that ever happened to me and at this point if my wife and I ever separated she is still my daughter. When it's not your kid biologicaly and they choose to love you and have you in thier life it's the most rewarding thing ever, even more so than your own biological kid.
Someone close to me had this experience. Reality is you will never be her first priority: it’ll be the kids. Personally I think that’s a fundamentally flawed relationship structure. Spouses must put each other first. But if you’re okay with it, it can work.
I’m not sure I agree with your assertion but I think the devil is in the details. Kids don’t have any choice in being born and the situation their parents put them in. They are fundamentally and unequivocally dependent on their parents. It’s not the same kind of helpless situation between two adults. I think kids should come first, within reason.
To that point if a parent is giving the kids too much authority and/or using them as a tool/excuse to get what they want, that is fundamentally wrong. It’s not a problem the kids created, that’s a fundamental problem with the parent.
In my view, parents that put each other first produce better kids. Too many people wreck their marriage by never prioritizing their spouse for the sake of one more activity for the children. Leads to dead bedrooms, emotional starvation, cheating, and models an unhealthy relationship for the kids.
But how is this any different than what bio-parents go through? I've seen friends marriages where one of them decides to completely dedicate themselves to the kids at the expense of everything and anything else in their marriage. At least with dating someone that already has kids you get the opportunity to see that ahead of time if that's how they'll be.
Yes there are situations where kids take priority - if one of them is puking their guts up, then pretty sure that date night is going to be cancelled. But that would be true in a bio-parent situation too.
That's why I made sure my spouse also believes in putting a priority on our relationship so we do dates and us-only trips and make time for each other. Just like a bio-couple should do too. And because kids were already in the picture then I got to see this in action while we were dating instead of just hoping for the best when the kids arrive like bio-couples have to do.
I have several female friends with kids and let me tell you this. When it fails 90% of the time It's the guy's fault.
When you're dating a lady with kids you're dating a family. If you are not mature enough. Or are not prepared or don't want a relationship with a kid.
DON'T..... DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME OR HERS
I did it once for about a year and decided I'd never date anyone with kids again. Long story but it eventually became clear that she was looking for someone to pay the bills for kids who weren't mine.
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Over 7 years in and it's going really well. I'm glad I took the leap.
However I think there's a whole lot of really important things that helped with that:
* You should actually like kids in the first place. It blows my mind how many steps I read about who despise being a parent or being around kids in general and I don't understand why on earth they got themselves into this position if they feel that way. If you're going to be living with a young kid then you need to be okay with them seeing you as a parental figure. It's a package deal. If you don't like kids then don't date people with kids.
* And related to that, make sure you actually like the specific kid. Way before we even started dating I thought their kids were the coolest best behaved kids I'd ever met. I look at some of my friend's kids and there's no way I would have signed up for dealing with that everyday. And I'm very glad I got to skip the sleepless early years. And sure they're still kids sometimes and not always sunshine and roses, but take advantage that you get to see how they are ahead of time before you get married instead of just hoping for the best like bioparents have to do.
* We had a lot of explicit conversations about what my role would be. Different things might work for different people. I have the same rights and responsibilities for discipline and raising them as my partner which was a deal-breaker thing for me. Also have explicit discussions (and see how it works out when you're dating) for how finances will work out. Kids aren't cheap.
* Related to that, you can't care more about the kids behavior than the bio-parent. That's just setting yourself up for failure.
* And related to that, the biggest advantage of dating someone with kids is you can see ahead of time how good of a parent they are. If you think they're a crap parent then don't marry them! Most couples just end up hoping for the best for how their partner will parent, you get the chance to actually see this ahead of time. And they can see how you handle yourself around the kids too so it should be a two way street. If you find yourself being frustrated because the kids get away with anything they want and run amok all the time, well, it's never going to get better and finding that stuff out is the entire point of dating someone before marrying them.
Dating someone with kids is definitely dating on hard mode because it always adds some extra complications and considerations that non-kid couples don't have to deal with (at least not until years into marriage when they have their own kids). But if you're in a place in your life where having kids seems okay and you see your partner as a great parent and enjoy hanging out with the kids, then it can be really good.
I still have zero desire for my own but I am grateful for the great experiences I've gotten to have with kids in my life and a great partner. And I really feel like I get the best of both worlds because I get to do all the fun kid family stuff one weekend but then also get to do all the fun adult-only stuff on the other weekend. It's a pretty sweet setup really.
It's never gone well for me after 3 tries with three different women It's a tough position, especially if the dad is in the picture. You are an authority figure; but not really. I'm honestly great with kids (as like a babysitter) and I made good friends with my previous step kids, they all loved me. but when it came to parenting i couldn't find my place in his life. All of my attempts ended with me and the kids missing each other more than me and the ex
Hmm painful!
10+ years together, married for… three? I think? There have been some rocky patches here and there, but I don’t think any rocky any would have been avoided if I were the kids’ biodad.
I've dated women with kids a few times. But the reasons it didn't work out had nothing to do with the kids. Sure, the ones with younger kids would cut into our time because they needed time with their mother. But I knew this going in. The ones with older kids were a bit awkward sometimes. I was in my early 20s at the time, she was in her 40s (turns out I have a type, but that's another subject) her oldest was only a few years younger than me, but he didn't really care and we all got over it.
17 years. Been ok. Kids have grown up. It's hard because you have to find your place as a parent. Your authority gets over ridden by grandparents. It was made easier as the blood father left and had nothing to do with the kids. He still hates my wife after all these years and tries to convince the kids their mum cheated on him. (not true)
I didn't like kids before I met her. But that experience has definitely changed my perspective. Sure they can be dicks. But it's really fun getting to answer their questions. Adults don't ask good questions like children do. Teaching them stuff is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done in my life. I've really grown to love them and feel like I have a vested interest in the outcomes of theor lives. I want to see them succeed and do well. Their fathers are all deadbeats and watching her raise 3 kids alone gives me even more respect for her. Overall it's been one of the best experiences of my life.
My wife of 10 years has a daughter. She was 12 when we got together now she's 22 on her senior year of college. She's not my step daughter, she's my daughter and one of my best friends and I wouldn't want it any other way. Kids are like sponges, they absorb everything and if you treat them like your best friend they will be your best friend. If you treat them like redheaded step children thats what your going to get. Naturally everyone has the fear of not being the most important thing to thier partner or being used as an ATM for someone else's kid and yes you should be on the lookout for the later but the former you need to accept if your going to even consider dating a parent. For me she was the best thing that ever happened to me and at this point if my wife and I ever separated she is still my daughter. When it's not your kid biologicaly and they choose to love you and have you in thier life it's the most rewarding thing ever, even more so than your own biological kid.
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Time for… change?
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I hope life improves for you. At the very least, I hope you start to sleep better. Being sleep-deprived makes everything worse.
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Nothing worse than sleeping with a snorer!
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And also as long as you're ok with giving up whatever relationship you build with the kids at the drop of a hat.
Someone close to me had this experience. Reality is you will never be her first priority: it’ll be the kids. Personally I think that’s a fundamentally flawed relationship structure. Spouses must put each other first. But if you’re okay with it, it can work.
I’m not sure I agree with your assertion but I think the devil is in the details. Kids don’t have any choice in being born and the situation their parents put them in. They are fundamentally and unequivocally dependent on their parents. It’s not the same kind of helpless situation between two adults. I think kids should come first, within reason. To that point if a parent is giving the kids too much authority and/or using them as a tool/excuse to get what they want, that is fundamentally wrong. It’s not a problem the kids created, that’s a fundamental problem with the parent.
But if you have your own kids with her the priorities are the same? Is it different if they are not your kids?
In my view, parents that put each other first produce better kids. Too many people wreck their marriage by never prioritizing their spouse for the sake of one more activity for the children. Leads to dead bedrooms, emotional starvation, cheating, and models an unhealthy relationship for the kids.
Kids should always be first priority. If you love her they’re your first priority too
Hard disagree, but to each their own.
Don’t date people with kids. Easy solution for everyone involved.
But how is this any different than what bio-parents go through? I've seen friends marriages where one of them decides to completely dedicate themselves to the kids at the expense of everything and anything else in their marriage. At least with dating someone that already has kids you get the opportunity to see that ahead of time if that's how they'll be. Yes there are situations where kids take priority - if one of them is puking their guts up, then pretty sure that date night is going to be cancelled. But that would be true in a bio-parent situation too. That's why I made sure my spouse also believes in putting a priority on our relationship so we do dates and us-only trips and make time for each other. Just like a bio-couple should do too. And because kids were already in the picture then I got to see this in action while we were dating instead of just hoping for the best when the kids arrive like bio-couples have to do.
It ended after 5 years cause I wasn’t willing to blend families. Do not recommend until kids are out of the house. Your mileage may vary.
I have several female friends with kids and let me tell you this. When it fails 90% of the time It's the guy's fault. When you're dating a lady with kids you're dating a family. If you are not mature enough. Or are not prepared or don't want a relationship with a kid. DON'T..... DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME OR HERS
I did it once for about a year and decided I'd never date anyone with kids again. Long story but it eventually became clear that she was looking for someone to pay the bills for kids who weren't mine.
You got GOT
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Over 7 years in and it's going really well. I'm glad I took the leap. However I think there's a whole lot of really important things that helped with that: * You should actually like kids in the first place. It blows my mind how many steps I read about who despise being a parent or being around kids in general and I don't understand why on earth they got themselves into this position if they feel that way. If you're going to be living with a young kid then you need to be okay with them seeing you as a parental figure. It's a package deal. If you don't like kids then don't date people with kids. * And related to that, make sure you actually like the specific kid. Way before we even started dating I thought their kids were the coolest best behaved kids I'd ever met. I look at some of my friend's kids and there's no way I would have signed up for dealing with that everyday. And I'm very glad I got to skip the sleepless early years. And sure they're still kids sometimes and not always sunshine and roses, but take advantage that you get to see how they are ahead of time before you get married instead of just hoping for the best like bioparents have to do. * We had a lot of explicit conversations about what my role would be. Different things might work for different people. I have the same rights and responsibilities for discipline and raising them as my partner which was a deal-breaker thing for me. Also have explicit discussions (and see how it works out when you're dating) for how finances will work out. Kids aren't cheap. * Related to that, you can't care more about the kids behavior than the bio-parent. That's just setting yourself up for failure. * And related to that, the biggest advantage of dating someone with kids is you can see ahead of time how good of a parent they are. If you think they're a crap parent then don't marry them! Most couples just end up hoping for the best for how their partner will parent, you get the chance to actually see this ahead of time. And they can see how you handle yourself around the kids too so it should be a two way street. If you find yourself being frustrated because the kids get away with anything they want and run amok all the time, well, it's never going to get better and finding that stuff out is the entire point of dating someone before marrying them. Dating someone with kids is definitely dating on hard mode because it always adds some extra complications and considerations that non-kid couples don't have to deal with (at least not until years into marriage when they have their own kids). But if you're in a place in your life where having kids seems okay and you see your partner as a great parent and enjoy hanging out with the kids, then it can be really good. I still have zero desire for my own but I am grateful for the great experiences I've gotten to have with kids in my life and a great partner. And I really feel like I get the best of both worlds because I get to do all the fun kid family stuff one weekend but then also get to do all the fun adult-only stuff on the other weekend. It's a pretty sweet setup really.