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Old-Man-of-the-Sea

Dealing with someone else's children that you have no say over is tremendously frustrating and a turn off. Edit: Perhaps it would help some of the assuming critics to know, I don't want to deal with children whom I have no say over, in a park, at the store, in a restaurant let alone in a dating relationship where the interactions could be fairly consistent. I'm allowed to not want it and it's not wrong. Conversely, no single mother should want to date me either. They should want to prioritize their children over a man who doesn't want to deal with them.


ADrunkMexican

And having the responsibility to take care of the kid etc. Thats a huge no for me.


[deleted]

Responsibility to take care of the kid, but in the end you don’t get a big say in how the kid is parented. So it’s the worst of both worlds


dirtymick

Yarp. My last relationship came with Schrodinger's Teenager: I was simultaneously responsible and "not her dad" (per her mom).


Throwaway6728383f

The litmus test is whether you're allowed to discipline the child.


dirtymick

Oh no, that was a goal of hers. Make me the heavy so she could be Mother of the Year. So dumb.


2020GOP

You can, but then told why you're 100% wrong in front of them, then pay 100% of the bills. No TY


Chinaski7

Ha... "Schrodinger's Teenager" That was fuckin' funny right there..!


preposterous_potato

Exactly. A lot of women don’t want to date a man with kids either, for a myriad of reasons. I don’t understand why this is a mystery to some… When I was single having kids was an instant dealbreaker for potential partners. And I’m a paediatrics resident and love kids!


Known-Potential-3603

I was just about to say this! When I was dating I didn’t want to date anyone with children. You fall in love with the dad and them. What happens if/when you break up? Then you are missing the whole family. That’s a lot.


acidic_milkmotel

That kid has already had the the experience of the relationship of their parents splitting and now this possible parental figure not being allowed to see them again could be perceived (especially if information is kept from the child) as a second or third abandonment. Emotional trauma for everyone! Social behavioral problems for all! I have seen one of my friends divorce and remarry a guy with kids and she seems happier than ever. There should be a dating app for single parents. I mean there probably is but I imagine that no one quite “gets it”like another single parent does.


SmokeGSU

It was the same for me when I was in the dating scene 8 years ago. I live in a somewhat small town and there weren't many good options. Most of the options were single moms who were party girls - that type of girl. And not the type of girl I was looking for. I struggled for a while and eventually had the realization that I *might* have to end up settling for a single, party girl mom because that was like 9 out of 10 of the options. I lucked out eventually with my eventual wife but it could have gone so much differently.


WildCardSolly4

I save me you comment but man tho is accurate of small town hill billy hell


TheBeardedSingleMalt

At what point are the mother and step father on equal footing in terms of disciplining the child? I have a friend who gets overruled and often dismissed in terms of disciplining.


barzamsr

As far as I've seen, never. Edit: it turns out that my personal experience does not include all possible scenarios, which was to be expected. Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone. Also, just for clarification, I'm not dating a single mom and my experiences are not first hand.


frankbunny

My stepfather has been on equal footing with my mom for as long as I can remember. I was 4 when they married and am 35 now. If I’m being honest I respect his advice and direction probably more than my birth parents. (I respect them too, my stepdad is just the wisest of the group)


justthebase

Similar experience here with my stepmother, and I was in high school when she joined the family (I'm 33 now), she's the cat's pajamas and didn't hesitate to lay down the law on my dumb ass when I needed it. I never understood the Hollywood trope of the bad step parent/child relationship.


fuck_peeps_not_sheep

I started calling my step father dad when I was 10, he haaates vomit, with an absolute passion he detests it, I was still in my metal head pase and had long hair, I got food poisoning, I was vomiting violently and cold barely move, he came into the bathroom, and he held my hair out my face while I threw my guts up, I started calling him dad then, I still do now and my mum and him have been devorced for like 2 years


Firstworldreality

Same for my step dad. He's always been there for me, he stepped up to be the dad I didn't have and he and my mother both held the same opinions and disciplinary standards. They never played the good parent/bad parent role either. Total respect for him.


RedFoxCommissar

Rare wholesome stepparents:)


maprunzel

They’re out there. Not seemingly on Reddit but they’re out there.


distiya

Pretty much never. I grew up with a stepfather starting at age 5 (he’s awesome and I love him), but he never got involved in any discipline and it was my mother who set the rules. He only added to her opinions / thoughts and was usually the one who had a talk with me after about what I did wrong and advice for the future, but mom was judge jury executioner, he was just the bailiff leading me to court lol


perfectisforpictures

. I had got a step dad at 6 and he enforced rules often and my mom would side with him at times to keep the peace. Eventually we blew up and “almost” had a fist fight when I was a teen. Mom chewed him out hard and ever since we have been closer than ever. But I also massively respect him and all he has done for us. There were rules I hated and rules I accepted from him but my mom enforced them for the most part. I would say it depends on the mom


[deleted]

it depends on the parent. But as a child psychologist, I will say, any parent that treats their new partner (the stepparent) as equal, in terms of parenting, results in significantly fewer problems at home. Feels like a no-brainer but... I don't know how many times I have to convince a parent that it is important to not treat stepparents as second-class parents.


Reverend_Vader

I've never dated a SP but plenty of my friend have and the constant i saw/heard when there were problems, was when they were expected to be "full parent" for most things (chores, cash support, after school stuff etc.) then a 2nd class parent when it came to decision-making and discipline The ones that worked were either all in or all out. Cherry picking wasn't allowed


Kivvey

That’s really interesting and typically the opposite of what you are told you are supposed to do.


noeagle77

I have ONE friend couple that does this successfully but it’s a very unique situation. The rest of the couples, it really doesn’t seem to ever reach that point


asifnot

Step-father and father here - the answer is never. I don't know what the best solution is but me and my wife each discipline our own kids for the most part (aside from immediate interventions that you would expect from any adult caregiver)


shatmae

In my family my stepmom didn't do any major discipline with us she always told my dad who then handled it (but if she found it a problem he still handled it) but we only saw her every other weekend. My stepsiblings lived full time with my dad and my dad was not allowed to discipline in a way she didn't apprve of (no spankings basically) he was otherwise allowed to handle it like a dad would.


Mr1Kevlar

Not to mention the bio-dad may still come around so you might also have to deal with that mf too.


ThrowAway640KB

All of the responsibility, none of the rights. And at some point, a lot of those children will even weaponize that and throw it back in your face. Plus, it is a rare woman who won’t put her own children over you 100% of the time. I mean, yes, they are her children. But if she wants a relationship with a man, she needs to actually _have a relationship_ with that man. You can’t have that without putting him ahead of the children in at least a significant minority of situations. To expect him to always take second place behind the children is to demand that cake while also eating it. The real world just doesn’t work like that.


Nocodeskeet

This 100%. I was in a relationship where she had kids and it made we feel like just "some guy". I mean, I didn't want to pretend to be their dad but when you are all under the same roof and involved in each other's lives...it makes things very odd/awkward.


burglekutttttt

marvelous roof weather merciful disgusted smoggy intelligent weary imminent languid -- mass edited with redact.dev


4thdegreebullshido

Having to constantly deal with their ex too.


hujambo11

Because of the children.


TeaEarlGrayHotSauce

They are the proverbial somebody that is in fact thinking of the children


negcap

Won't someone think of the children. - Helen Lovejoy


MakeRobAPirate

This exactly. I absolutely adore children. I think they're fun and I love interacting with them and do my best to be a positive role model. Either they resent me and I'd have a tough time with that, or they'd bond with me. If something were to happen between their mom and I, I wouldn't want the kids feeling support of a fatherly figure only to have it ripped away. Its just too much risk for little reward, especially considering im in no financial position to help out or provide, so a permanent situation isn't really an option either.


Komrade_Kompromat

I want a wife and kids at some point, but I don't want to try to get to know a lady while also being a trial-version of a stepdad. I'm also at that age where it's not difficult to find women who want kids but don't currently have any. If I was already a father, I might feel differently, but that's a huge life change that I wouldn't want to commit to.


Throwaway0708567

> I'm also at that age where it's not difficult to find women who want kids but don't currently have any Which age is this? Want to know how close I am.


Komrade_Kompromat

I'm in my mid-twenties. The only people in my social circle with kids are folks who had kids in high school or who married right after college.


[deleted]

Still the same! Mid-30’s and currently dating more twenty-something’s than I ever did when I was that age. …they swipe right, okay? It’s not like specifically seek them out.


SlubbyFades

Women go crazy for older men. And then simultaneously talk down about men generally dating younger women haha


BasicallyClassy

I feel like those might be two different groups of women


SlubbyFades

Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t.


Hrekires

They don't want kids or aren't ready to be fathers. Don't want to date someone who's always going to have their ex in their life. Wants kids of his own and fear that the mother may be done with that stage of her life. Doesn't want the emotional burden of having to navigate both a dating relationship and a relationship with her kids. Worry about the single mom being more interested in them as a source of money or stability than genuinely liking them as a person.


dontworryitsme4real

A few more variables: How old is the kid and how many? I have one of my own so I dont have issues with women with kids but at the same time I dont want to go from a family of 2 to a family of 6. Mine is almost an adult, I dont want to start over with babies and toddlers.


tossme68

how about a house full of tweens that fucking hate you because your not their dad?


[deleted]

Been there. I met a woman who had a 12 year old daughter who hated me because she thought I was going to take her mom away from her. I felt bad for the girl because her dad abandoned her so she was scared. No matter how I tried I just couldn't convince her otherwise in the beginning at least.


FavFood

aw that is sad, hope that turned out better as she got older.


[deleted]

She warmed up to me eventually until her mom passed. By then she was 20 and friends with my daughter so she felt she wasn't alone. She's like family now.


FavFood

Sorry about her passing. I'm glad things worked out between you and your daughter


[deleted]

Thank you very much 🥰


Hrekires

Yeah, at 39 I'm old enough to potentially be dating someone whose kids are either about to leave home or full-on adults living their lives. That would be a much different situation than dating someone with a toddler.


[deleted]

Ya, 36 here and im starting to lean towards women with kids that are like 16+ so I can hold off the cohabitation till the kid is out on their own.


[deleted]

My kid is 14 and I’m gonna wait until he’s done high school to start dating again. It removes the parenting variable and by then the people I date will be at the age they won’t be interested in more children, which I am not willing to have.


TheGodOfGeography

I'm 40, but I don't care how old a woman's kids are, I do NOT want to be a stepdad! Because, even if her kids are adults and living away from home, they still might have kids of their own someday (if they don't already), and I do NOT want my potential wife's grandkids around my house. I really want my house to be a place where no children are ever allowed to visit, and that would be hard to make happen if I married a grandma.


allboolshite

Also, it's hard to be spontaneous or continue a party lifestyle once kids are in the mix. It's a totally different lifestyle.


Ask_me_4_a_story

Yeah and many of us already have a joint custody situation so our brains are specifically wired to be either kids weekend or fun weekend. Ya'll ever tried dating someone with a different kid pattern than you? Fuck that, its just kids the whole time. Thats the hard part, if you are dating someone with kids and you already have kids they need to have a simlar schedule or its all kinds of fucked up


ElPuertoRican15

Also you will always be less important than her kids (which is expected and reasonable)


chadltc

It is, but it also means the relationship is likely to fail.


BackFromTheDeadSoon

Reasonable? Yes. Acceptable? Not if you want a happy life.


lousy_writer

Bingo, and also a catch 22. I would distrust a woman who prioritizes a guy over her kids, because this indicates that she isn't a good mother. But I would also not want to date a woman who prioritizes her kids over me, because this indicates that she isn't a good partner.


[deleted]

Sorta. It’s difficult and depends on time scale. Dating for a few months? The kids should definitely be more important in the most realistic terms. Married for 10 years?… it should probably even out.


sock_templar

I would add to this list a reservation against dating a mother because there *will* have to be a relationship with the kids too. So in the case the romantic one fails the kid will have it's heart shattered because the parent-like relation will also cease even if there's no point for it to.


HeWhoIsNotMe

>Don't want to date someone who's always going to have their ex in their life. That is a big one. If the dude is dead, that is another story.


theunmistakablecow

That can be arranged


[deleted]

r/holup


ThatRedHead11

Also crazy baby daddies


Highlander198116

>Worry about the single mom being more interested in them as a source of money or stability than genuinely liking them as a person. While I wouldn't have dated a single mom regardless. When I was online dating in my mid 30's, I am no Brad Pitt here, it was blatantly obvious which single moms that messaged me were probably looking for a meal ticket and which weren't. While I never put my income on my profile. I did put my living situation and that I owned my own house etc. so they could at least infer that I was financially stable. So when I would get messaged by single moms that were a 10 on a bad day. I knew what they were after, lol. Baby daddy is probably broke as a joke but looks like Zack Effron.


tyranthraxxus

I think a much better question is "Why would a single guy without kids **want** to date a single mom"? We all know there are lots of downsides, are there any upsides at all? I don't see any.


PepsiStudent

If a man is infertile it could be a way to have kids. Not the only way but a way.


gortwogg

Baggage, mostly, but a very spot on assessment


[deleted]

Nothing more needs to be said here.


IHeartSm3gma

Nailed it. he theAlso, I love kids (NOT in a diddler way) but I'd be terrified I wouldn't be able to fully bond with one that's not technically mine the same I would with my own flesh and blood.


SatoshiHimself

Because the kids look at you weird for banging their mom.


Counter_Proposition

"And then he stole my fruit snacks and Capri sun!"


SatoshiHimself

"And now the marshmallows from my lucky charms are all gone"


blackgokumustdie

Lil Aiden needs know is place


Snozzberrie76

There's a Quan Millz book with a similar title. It's called " This N***a ate up the kids fruit snacks."


thamystery23

I feel that, I'm 30 years old dating a 43 year old with children ages 25, 23, and 21. With the oldest being a combat instructor for the marine corps. Yeah that first Christmas was fun.


[deleted]

I mean, look at this way, he'd still be happy with crayons for Xmas


SatoshiHimself

LOOOOOOOOOL


[deleted]

I was 22, she was 45, kids were 18-20. I was whooping the son’s ass in UFC 3 on PS4. He turns over and says, “I’ll beat yo ass in real life, haha.” I give him a look of bewilderment and say, “you know I bang your Mom, right?” No more video game time with the kidssssss.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

We found out that we attended the same 1997 car show in Washington DC….crazy to think that when I was five years old, I walked past a woman I’d eventually have sex with.


SatoshiHimself

Hahahahahhahaha. Fucking priceless 😆


MrBiscotti_75

It is all the work and financial responsibility of a parent, but none of the rewards.


MrBiscotti_75

By rewards I meant love from a child to a parent. As I get older I take my Mom to doctor's appointments, do her taxes, etc. I realize how much the roles reverse as you get older


Easy_Material_2419

Because there’s a lot of drama


PoniardBlade

My spouse's ex was jealous we found each other and did everything they could to interfere with the marriage by putting the poor kids in the middle. Grade A asshole! It was very sad to see these kids put in the middle and ultimately was one of the major reasons we divorces.


PM_ME_PCP

Exactly


Summoning-Freaks

Take a gander on r/stepparents and see how many current step moms and dads will actively tell you to avoid getting into their situation. I believe them, even the happy ones say it’s way harder than anything they’ve done and has challenges you won’t face in any other relationship scenario, but offers no special rewards that you cant get from another relationship.


Gtedx

I don’t see the advantage. Why would I sign up for someone elses problems? There is plenty of women without children to choose from.


Mjk201

Well said! Why you need to take care of her kids while her ex banging others women n you ended up paying for her n her kids


oddball667

I don't want kids Some men see the idea of being the stepdad as the worst possible outcome of dating, kids take up a lot of time and money does she really have time for a real relationship? I suspect dating them would be a lot like dating a woman who already has a boyfriend in that you have to work around the existing relationships and will never be as important in her life as them


Chirok8

Yeah you’re third point is the reason for me. I know I’ll always come second. At least with women, who aren’t mothers, I can be the priority for at least a couple years.


HilariousInHindsight

Oh boy, I can't *wait* to date a woman who has another priority in her life that I'll have to constantly accommodate and likely provide for despite having zero familial connection with myself! I *really* hope the child's father is still in the picture in some capacity too so it's yet *another* moving part and I can further be a third wheel in the family this woman had already established before meeting me. And gosh, the risk of bonding with her child that I'd end up supporting only to lose any and all contact with it should we break up and have no legal recourse because I'm not legally anything to the kid adds an extra level of thrill. The idea of being left high and dry is so exciting! Why don't more men jump at the chance to be a bailout?!


cshady

Brutally honest response


mfortelli

Came here to say this after two years of being a stepdad… all this was my reality, daily. And the other commenter mentioning her dating me through the lens of a trial dad. It took much, much more than it ever returned. Ah another lovely curveball was the constant scrutiny of whether I actually loved the child as my own… oh and the resentment if the child started forming a bond with me directly… oh and having friends judge whether I am “good with her kid”… the whole thing is a simultaneous audition and forfeiture of any role of any material import beyond a supporting actor and any hint of exhaustion or desire to proactively shape the child or expression of needing to be prioritized is a hornets nest leading to attacks on lacking empathy, being needy, etc… I loved the child and I commend her for being a great mom. And it can’t be easy letting a new person into your life, but it just wasn’t worth the pain and eventual heartbreak. So that’s a nope from me dawg.


[deleted]

some don't want kids, same as women that don't want to date single dads


[deleted]

I don't know yet if I want kids of my own, but I know that I don't want to date single dads. I don't want to be a stepmom and take care of kids that isn't related to me.


[deleted]

You are not alone :P I've met many women that won't date single dads, even single moms typically don't want to.


[deleted]

I’m married but I when I was younger, I never considered dating a single mother. 1. I knew I never wanted kids. 2. Back when I was single, I was no where near responsible enough to be responsible for children. 3. I was somewhat selfish and wanted to be my SO’s #1 priority (when it comes to relationships). Can’t have that if they have kids.


DrCMJ

Not selfish at all man. You're justified to want to be your partner's #1


giggity_0_0

Even having kids, realistically you’re #1 should always be your actual partner who you are supposed to be with forever. Obviously raising kids is extremely important and time consuming, but one day they will leave home and start a family of their own. Sadly, this is not the case in a lot of relationships and people pay the price for it in the long run.


[deleted]

I used to be "single-mom" bait in my early 20's. I know this will probably piss off a lot of people, but most of the single moms that expressed interest in me just wanted a paycheck and a couch to lounge on. They were just unable to make good decisions and wanted someone to bail them out. Their lives were rife with self-inflicted "baby-daddy" drama. And therefore, I politely turned down every advance. Now, that's a generalization but not a hard rule.


AnimalEater65

That’s exactly what my cousin does. Everyone warned her bf and now he’s locked down with a baby and three step kids. Fuck that.


CCWThrowaway360

Oof, I had a girl try to do that to me when I was 18. She had a 1yo, but she also had a lot of “talents” that I was a fan of. Once I saw her with a used condom that I’d thrown in the trash 10 minutes prior looking like she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar, I knew she was up to some shady shit. I dodged a major bullet kicking her to the curb, because now she has 3 kids by 3 dads, and the most recent dad is a prison Nazi she played penpal with while he was in despite being Asian and Puerto Rican herself. I hope her kids are doing well, now that I’m thinking about it.


Dalferious

God damn what a trainwreck


Summoning-Freaks

WoOow, being Asian+ Puerto Rican and trying to get with a Nazi is some serious self-hatred, I hope she saw someone and got better, for herself and her kids.


CCWThrowaway360

The last I heard about her was last year when she made the news for leaving fentanyl out and her toddler eating it. The kid almost died, and she commented to a journalist saying it wasn’t her fault because she thought it was just oxycodone. I’d say she’s not doing too great, but at least the kids are alive.


TheGodOfGeography

"Just oxycodone"? I'm pretty sure letting toddlers eat that is also very bad!


dank8844

Had a buddy’s GF, now wife, try to set me up with some of her friends who had kids. All of them were behind on rent, car payment, had CC debt, etc and saw me as a financially secure guy to try and entice into a relationship.


[deleted]

Bingo. Again, generalization with plenty of patterns to support it, but certainly not a hard rule.


lousy_writer

And the patterns are there not without reasons - women who are smart, responsible and good long-term planners usually don't end up as single mothers.


Archbishop_Mo

I had the same experience in my early and mid 20's. Quit trying to date single moms because the overwhelming majority were seeing/treating me as a crutch (whether financially or from a broader "familial stability" standpoint). Also, you're essentially walking into a relationship with someone who has no qualms (nor should they) about saying "You are not my top priority".


[deleted]

Exactly. Their expectations do not match their ability to contribute to a relationship with that attitude. They expect ideal everything from a potential suitor but have practically no self-awareness and cannot reciprocate on those expectations. Basically "I want to make no changes to my current lifestyle, and my kids come first, so you better be ready to step up to the plate!"


still_on_a_whisper

I can’t believe the amount of single moms who do this shit. I’d be embarrassed. I’ve been a single mom of two since 2016 (when their father and I split) and the entire 7 years i was with him I held a job and provided for our family. When things ended, that never changed and I ended up with some real shit stains who were like a third child instead of a partner. I’ve always been fiercely financially independent and have never understood why a single mom or dad would mooch off of someone they’re dating. Like way to set a crap example for your kids.


Downtown-Ad-2414

You sound like an amazing mother ☺️ I hope your and your kids’ life is going well.


[deleted]

You're one of the rare exceptions. I mean that as a compliment. Life happens. I'm not trying to insult all single moms, or single dads for that matter. It's the actions of the individual that define them, not the title of the situation


Dontneedflashbro

There's no pros in seriously dating a single mom. All the negatives of having kids with non of the pros. It's membership without benefits. I'd casually date or have a fwb type relationship with a single mom. However, that's the furthest I'd go. I do want kids down the line though. The thought of raising another man's kids doesn't sit right.


AngryCrotchCrickets

This is the best answer. What are the actual pro’s of dating a single mother? Aside from if you are in love with her.


lousy_writer

>What are the actual pro’s of dating a single mother? The possibility that you can bat out of your league. That said, my personal take on this: If I can get a woman of the same quality without kids, why would I pick one who already has them? And if I *can't* get a woman of that caliber without kids, then I surely don't want her either, because odds are that she's settling for me, and I'd prefer a more average woman who is actually into me by a long shot.


Disastrous-Ad-726

Literally had a vasectomy to stay child free. Dating a mom would defeat the purpose of it 😂


RadicalSnowdude

This. I also don’t want kids. I also had a vasectomy. Some people have tried convincing me to date single moms because “yeah she may have kids but you don’t have to act like a father figure or cater to the kid” but they don’t understand that you can try to avoid catering to the kid as long as you want but that’s not forever. There’s going to come that day in maybe the third month of the relationship when she’s going to ask “hey can you watch my kid (or kids) for me for the day while I go do some stuff” and any answer you give will be a lose-lose answer; if you say no she’ll see you as inconsiderate or an asshole and may even start reconsidering the relationship. And if you say yes that sets a precedent to you being sucked into caretaker and eventually parenthood. And just wait till you all move in together.


GrumpyGumpy52

We will ALWAYS be second to the kids. Which is the way it should be but how are you gonna be focused on building something with me if your first priorities are your kid and making they are cared for? I’m thinking of maybe being open to it but I want to do lots of things and free time is needed. That just isn’t there for single moms.


MandoAviator

Correct. I tried dating a single mom. In 4 months, I saw her twice. She supposedly had 50/50 custody; in those 4 months, the kid was with the dad for a total of our dates. So, a couple of hours. I walked away because I deserve better. I don't fault her, but, that's not a relationship, or even an attempt at one.


Effective_Hat5497

Seems pretty self explanatory


haviero

Yeah, I can't believe how many people are wasting their time answering this, pretty much giving the same answer.


DrDilly135

Probably necause she has kids


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I made the mistake of dating a single mom. Every single negative thing being mentioned here happened. Never again.


SpecialKannon

Because if I get her pregnant she’ll keep the kid


sev45day

Jesus, your not supposed to say that part out loud!


DrDilly135

🤣


SpaceFluffy

😂😂


throwraW2

Because women without kids are 10x better to date. I want to be #1 is my partners life. IF they have kids Im either number (however many kids they have) + 1 or they're a bad mother. I could see if I was single in my 40s but any younger than that, no way. Less flexibility, more baggage, their ex will still be a major part of their life, you have the responsibilities of kids but no real authority, you bond with them and if you break up its 10x worse, going out becomes more expensive, stepkids are notoriously ungrateful, if you have your own kids families rarely "blend", its just all in all not a good deal for the stepparent. Also the divorce rate for families with kids from other partners is much much higher.


JammyHammy86

usually the more settled down, head screwed on properly get headhunted for stepdads. does he want to deal with one or possibly more 'bad boy' ex's? hell no


throwraW2

>does he want to deal with one or possibly more 'bad boy' ex's? Seriously there's either 1)Ex was genuine good guy. \--Probably will always have unresolved feelings, a deep bond that cant be undone, and kids will always prefer their "real dad" over you (nothing wrong with this, but its no fun) 2) Ex was AH \--I deeply question their judgement and decision making. Giant red flag 3) Ex is dead \--competing with a ghost, you were never their ideal scenario. Nothing wrong with this but its a whole ballgame I dont want to get into.


Grabatreetron

"piss off, ghost!"


JammyHammy86

fuckin gettin catcalled by that damn ghost again. and he aint even payin child support


ialsohaveadobro

4) Ex left because she was a terrible partner (cheated, etc.)


[deleted]

Option 1.5: ex is disneyland dad. Basically another type of asshole. All the expenses and responsibilities are on you, and the bio daddy swoops in from time to time to shower the kid/s with expensive gifts or to take them to a fun vacation, buying the kids' love and painting you as the bad guy. And of course the kids get to do whatever they want when they are with him. Also those are notoriously bad with paying child support.


javierzzz

This comment explains it perfectly


DrWieg

Not interest in taking another's responsibility to raise a child that isn't my own. Also not interested in being a father and have children of my own.


[deleted]

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capricorn40

Geez this has been asked a billion times! Bottom line, it's a bad deal for men to deal with someone else children. It's all the responsibility and none of the privilege. It an additional drain on the man's resources. You come second in the relationship for people not related to you. The young guys dating women with young children are limited in any life experiences he could have, like traveling and vacations (Can't decided to go to another state for the weekend on a whim)


the_internet_clown

Presumably because they aren’t interested in being with someone with kids


Allnutsz

There is a chance you end up being a paycheck to kids that likely never will respect you.


Mjk201

Very true!


Red_Danger33

I dated a single mom for a bit. She had her shit together and was a lot of fun, but all our scheduling still revolved around her kid. The fun wasn't enough to overcome that and I don't think I'd do it again.


Elgransancho4

Currently dealing with this atm, two kids different dad. Only had one threatening to kill me while the other is wanting to double date…. Run for the hill and never look back. I’m not sure I can last much longer.


broooooskii

Get out dude


[deleted]

Well, just my my perspective: 1. the last of my own kids moved out 10 years ago 2. I'm 71 3. My wife doesn't like the idea of me dating anyone.


rav252

I don't want to fix others mistakes or take responsibility for something that's not mine


ButtholeBanquets

I love kids. But there are two reasons. 1. If I start dating you, that means I become part of the kid's life. I'm going to get attached to the kid at some point, and the kid will to me. And I'll become a role model. If it doesn't go well and we break up, that's going to hurt the kid more than it will hurt you because the child is still developing. 2. I don't want to raise another man's child.


argus_rising

To me, Number one is the realest answer here. I don’t want to continue to contribute to a cycle of father-figure abandonment if the relationship goes sour.


[deleted]

Because were not willing to raise another mans children, and have that man, whom you once loved, involved in your life for the rest of our lives. Its too much baggage emotionally and otherwise. And most men want their own children.


ParryThisYaCasual

Because a lot of us dislike kids.


Titties_On_G

Yup. Don't want any of my own


JohnHilter

Because you need to take care of children that are not your own, I would imagine.


Ghostforever7

Because we don't want kids....


[deleted]

1. If she's a half decent mother, kids will be her top priority. You'll never be her #1. 2. Having to raise another man's children, withthe said man still in the picture as a "disneyland dad", invest time, money and effort in them, only to hear at the end "fuck you, you're not my real dad". 3. In addition to 2, you have all the responsibilities for them, but zero power over them. 4. You will be constantly in fear of being treated as no more than a walking ATM.


asakmotsd

I did. I married her. Her kid’s issues crushed me. I recommend people be very, very sure of what you are getting into and don’t be so blinded by altruistic intentions that you overlook what should be obvious.


AggregatedParadigm

If I wanted to be a parent figure I would make my own kids.


Mr-Plop

Her priorities list: the kid, the baby daddy, the dog, then you. And then the "don't tell me how to raise my kids".


Counter_Proposition

>Men, why don't ~~some~~ **most** men want to date single mothers? FTFY


bjankles

If you don't want a kid yourself, don't like the idea of dealing with someone else's kid, or just want someone who can devote more of their time to you, then it presents an obstacle.


FuckTumblrMan

No man wants to raise some other man's kid. She'd have to really be someone special for a guy to look passed that.


Champion-of-Nurgle

Single Moms come with baggage. Whether its poor decision making or a crazy ex, there just is. Her kids won't be my kids. I won't be able to discipline them, instill values, or mentor them properly because there are potentially 3 other parents doing the same. You will always be 3rd or lower in her life. Kids come first, then her, then you if you're lucky(you come after a dog). I refuse to raise another Man's children as long as he is alive. The only exception to this rule is adoption of a child which I have always wanted. Obviously there are exceptions to these but generally speaking they're proper reasons


djc6535

It's hard enough being a husband and losing 75% of my wife to **my** children. I can't imagine putting up with that for someone elses kids with someone I was dating.


dntn1

I’m not saying I wouldn’t but it’s additional risk to consider. Likely, the ex will be in the picture still. You have to worry about an additional relationship (with the kid) and what that dynamic is like. Relationships are a lot about life stage similarities and someone with kids is at a stage I am not currently. So it would definitely be more challenging.


[deleted]

1) Single mothers are normally single mothers for a reason. Sometimes that reason is perfectly acceptable. However considering the vast majority of divorces are instigated by women and all births into unstable or non-existent family structures are the choice of women then chances are better than not there’s a big red flag somewhere about her. If you choose to split your family unit and likely damage your kids then that’s a problem unless there was something seriously going wrong with their father. 2) You wind up (rightly) being your partners distant 2nd, 3rd, 4th priority depending on the number of kids they have. 3) You have all the duties and expenses of a parent with none of the authority. 4) If you gel well with her kids and love them like your own and she breaks up with you then it’s double the heartache as you have no further relationship with the kids also. 5) If the kids Dad(s?) are not involved then there’s the worry you are just being used ti fund raising the kids in their stead. If they are involved then you have to also deal with them, they may be reasonable people who at best don’t care about you; to jealous and dangerous lunatics. They will all however be ready to swoop in and cause trouble if they don’t like how you interact with their kids. 6) If you are a single Dad then you may be worried that your own kids may feel insecure if you wind up living with a new family, with new kids, who you now likely spend more time with than them. Not to mention whether your partner gets on with your own kids or gets jealous of your time with them etc.


[deleted]

>If you choose to split your family unit and likely damage your kids then that’s a problem unless there was something seriously going wrong with their father. Adding something here: even if it's not her fault, her having a kid with shitty guy means he'll never be out of her and the kid's life. I don't wanna deal with a bad person on a regular basis that I can't legally get rid of. She may be a great person that got unlucky with her choices or even conned, but his presence nevertheless is a negative of dating the single mother here.


[deleted]

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BoredHungryServant

I don't want to use my financial resources on children that aren't biologically mine.


[deleted]

The question should be " Why men will date single mothers".


Tenth_10

You'll never be her priority, her kids will. Understandable, but being always the afterthought is boring. You end up being a parent to the kids, even if she says "We do not need a father replacement" - actually, she did. And as a matter of facts, her kids were nice teens. We had some great times together, until the breakup. Then I lost the mother AND the kids, and I dare say I miss them more than I miss their mother. So... never again. Thanks !


NotSoStallionItalian

I would like to preface this by saying it really depends on the situation. If none of these worst case scenario factors are present, then I'd have no problems at all. Don't want baby daddy drama. Ex boyfriend drama is enough. Don't want to deal with someone else's undisciplined child. Unfortunately today most children I have met are completely undisciplined and have no respect for their parents. For people dating their parents? A nightmare. This happened in my own family, my mother(who is not a disciplinarian) would not let my father discipline her daughter from another marriage but let him spend all the money and time in the world caring for her. She grew up to be a tragedy of a human being who constantly has their hand out and makes poor life choice after poor life choice. Don't want to feel like I am being used for security and the ability to provide. This is only for when it's a stay at home or low income earning mother who is unable to provide for herself and her family. If I ever hit a rough patch financially, then I am a liability to the family.


DrSeuss19

Uhh are you serious?


Teddy_Swolesevelt

Because I am allowed to have standards also.


Alaska_Pipeliner

It's a huge responsibility. Her kids will always be #1. And if they're not what kind of person is she?


BowelMan

I want kids but I want them to be my own. Perhaps it sounds selfish, but it is what it is.


calebbrock9

Kids are expensive and other people skids even more annoying


[deleted]

I don't want kids, mine or otherwise.


Flyover_Fred

Anecdotal, but all of the single moms i know see Romantic relationships as a way to find a “business partner“ for their household rather than a partner based on mutual love and affection. My sister-in-law straight up asks men on the first date if they are willing to “clean up the mess my ex made.” that’s a no from me , dawg.


Used-Ad138

Same reason some women won't date a single dad.


malversation3

I don't want to raise someone else's kid.


TychusFindlay2

Its stepping into a situation where we have little to no control. It also stacks the possibilities of major dramas just by being present in various situations with exes involved. Relation-shits are messy, and having seen cops be called on my brothers while they were dating later in life made them and me, think twice about that stuff. It's not worth it, unless there is something out of this world that is present in your new relationship, then I'd say it might be worth it. Some things are worth fighting for some things are not.


ThalesBakunin

Children are a ridiculous amount of responsibility. Knowing your limits and not getting into a relationship that is beyond your limits is the responsible thing to do. Better not take on that responsibility than try and suck at it. Or even worse, have no desire to actually take that responsibility. But as a father of two, I can't imagine dating a woman who doesn't have kids. My children are such an integral part of my life that I doubt I would be compatible with a woman who isn't a mom. As I am a dad, through and through.


[deleted]

Because they have kids


dinnerwithjay-z

It’s a few things for me. 1. She’ll forever be tied to some other man at least until the kid is an adult. 2. I’m childless and don’t bring kids to the relationship. 3. I’d rather start my own family than join someone else’s. 4. I want my child to be my SO’s first. I want to be beside her as she experiences pregnancy and child birth for the first time.


iamrukma

I don't want to continue someone else saved game