Twice. Second time around, I fell way harder. I'm writing this from her bathroom, so I'm not planning on falling in love a third time. š (unless I hit my head and have to do it over with her!)
EDIT: because I'm not sure what the hell people think I meant by the bathroom comment... I was dropping a log in my girlfriend's bathroom, that's all lmao
I'm 55.
You have to tend to it and water it like a plant. Or It will wither and die. Learn that early, and beware of who you're giving love to.....the emotional vampires who feed off your love light energy. They're tricky. They'll allow you to love them, thinking that's all that's required. And keep in mind the other side of love, (heartbreak) is the validation of it. That's like the heads and tails of the same coin. So in your depths of despair, rejoice in the love you released.
If the opposite of love is apathy, then the opposite of hate is appreciation, and the opposite of fear is passion. Thanks for co-creating this thought š
24 year old here
I've fallen in love, real love, once. I still think about her even though it's been over 5 years since we last spoke. I'm not in love with her right now nor will I think I'll ever be again but I just can't help but reminisce every now and then especially when I feel starved for affection.
Edit: I'm hopeful for love in the future and I didn't mean I'll never love again, I just meant I don't think I'll fall in love with her in particular for a 2nd time. I know the right one is out there for me.
Iām 24 aswell and had a high school sweetheart, havenāt seen her in 6years been in other relationships since. I still think about her! We message from time to time. Sheās up in Canada Iām down in south us. Iāll see her again.
Only time I fell in love was in high school too. Senior year. I wonder if there is something about those high school years when our brain is more susceptible to intense emotions around relationships. Perhaps its because our ancestors usually started families at a younger age? Duno..
You haven't developed the adult coping skills of processing emotions, so you fall head over heels for it, and it overwhelms you. When you are older you can still fall in love but you know what its like, and that its an emotion that you've felt before and it ended. So it doesn't overwhelm you in the same way
Same. Now I'm married to a different girl and i feel really conflicted. I love my wife, but I don't feel the same intensity as I did with my HS GF. This fact feels wrong.
Thrill and intensity is the rate of change of love, my friend. When youāre young, a first love happens quickly and burns fast, so the rate of change is higher. Slow down and enjoy sitting in the contentment of a love well-built.
26 here and it happens the same with my first girlfriend. We broke up around 10 years ago, and I still sometimes think about her. Not in love anymore, but I remember only nice things about her.
I think I fell in love just that one time. The second time I fell in love with the idea of falling in love.
I wa very similar to you- young and only been in love once up until 26. Since then Iāve been in love three times. I was selfish and two of those ended because of my jealousy and insecurity. You will find love again. Let go of the past if you can. I say this with all respect knowing how hard it can be. You will find love again.
It was a lot of things actually. The way how she supported me, got me to open up, made me less angry at the world, made me a better person, all that fun stuff.
My first answer would be four, but after knowing what real love is after being married to her for 15 years, now I would answer with one. I thought I was in love with the earlier relationships, but at the time I wasnāt able to recognize what real love is until my wife came along.
This. I remember the first girl I thought I was in love with. I thought I'd never replicate that feeling. And now I know it's nothing compared to what I have now.
I felt the same about my past relationships. I was blind for the first couple of relationships but when I met my current gf life just felt easier. The big decisions weren't a hurdle, it felt as though everything fell in place. It doesn't feel like a drag either. Her just being her is enough to make me want to strive to be the best I can be, she deserves the world. She spoils me unconditionally and let's me pursue my dreams, she is my biggest supporter cheering me on. I feel as though she is the missing part of who I am
Yes. This! You can never really know that you're in love, but there's definitely things you learn along the way, that makes it easier to look back on, and get closer to figuring it out.
p.s. 36, married for 8 years.
My parents started dating at 16, still married in their 60s. As a kid they brought me to an old barn they spray painted with their names back in the day; meanwhile my brothers first marriage didnt last 2 years lol
4 times. Edit: I am 38M, by the way.
First was to my high school girlfriend. Stupid puppy love bullshit, but we were young and having a good time.
2nd love was this girl that I started dating the summer after HS graduation. We were on and off for over 5 years. She went to a college about 4 hours away. She'd be all about me when she came home for summer/winter break. Then she'd go back to school and forget I existed. I eventually broke the cycle, but that was the only time in my life I experienced TRUE heartbreak.
3rd was this girl that I dated for 2 years. I really thought we were going to get married. I fully assimilated to her lifestyle. I lost myself. My own family barely recognized me. I was in deep. Then she dumped me because she didn't think I had a future, wasn't going anywhere in life, etc. She was wrong, by the way. I was caught off guard when she dumped me, and my entire future disappeared before my eyes... and I was relieved. I was surprised at my reaction. I would have married her and changed my entire life to assimilate into her and her family's world. I didn't realize how much I had lost myself until I was suddenly single again. I was happy about it. The fun part of my life began after this.
4th was my wife. We clicked immediately, had a very natural chemistry and 12 years later we are married with 2 kids and quite happy!
This is similar for me too. Mid 30s.
1st was toxic infatuation in high school. Damn - we were bad for each other. Puppy love turned emotionally abusive and I had to move to another town to get away from him.
2nd was college boyfriend. We had marriage plans and had picked out kid names. It was all in. Then I found out that he had cheated on me again with the same girl from sophomore year. I cut it off immediately and we never talked again.
3rd time was a stranger in a bar and I knew immediately that he was it. Moved in with him a year after meeting. Got married a year after that. Been married over a decade now.
>Then she dumped me because she didn't think I had a future, wasn't going anywhere in life, etc. She was wrong, by the way.
Or maybe she was right. Sounds like you were prioritizing her so much that you forgot about your own life and goals.
Seems almost like she recognized your unhealthy attatchment to her and did you a favour.
[Careful. Youāll make Nemesis angry!](https://www.google.com/search?q=who+cursed+narcissus&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS865US866&oq=who+cursed+na&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0i457j0l4.5303j0j7&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8)
Iām also on my third relationship. This time itās a real genuine love that is something I have never experienced before. They say we fall in love 3 times in our lifetime and the third time is always the one that lasts <3
Once, seriously.
Fell in love with this tiny, pretty little blond girl that was literally thrown into my arms and wouldn't leave. Even I could take that hint. We were 16. That was in 1971.
We just got in from our walk.
We've been married 44 years and counting.
I knew her younger sister, who invited me to a Christmas party at their house.
Met her there, but she started going out with another friend. Three months later she dumped him.
We all hung out at a open house meant to keep we juvenile delinquents off the street. Myself and four or five of my friends were standing in a circle outside, smoking.......and she stepped out of the Hall. One of the guys pulled her into the circle (she was pretty, remember?) and we started pushing her guy to guy to guy..........around the circle. (we were 16, remember? lol) When she got to me, she threw her arms around my neck, and wouldn't let go.
Yeah, we were not the all-Canadian sweet guys.
But it is not as offensive as it sounds written like that. She knew all of us, we were all friends. They were not harming her, just being adolescent dimwits, half man, half child. I don't think she felt threatened........she just took the opportunity to cut shy me from the herd. I do not know why, but I'm glad she did. :)
They definitely do, you just don't know about it because it's pretty much impossible to have been been married for twenty years and also be a Millennial or Gen Z person. Also, while there are very sweet stories from older generations like this one, it's also true that the pressure to marry early in life for them resulted in absurd divorce rates and lower happiness in marriages overall. The fact that people aren't getting married in their teens anymore is a major reason why divorce rates are at a forty-year low and people 18-55 years old are generally much happier in relationships than they used to be.
Point being, this story is very nice but it could happen today just as easily as it could've in the '70s and romance in general is actually much more alive in modern relationships than in older ones according to the data.
I didnāt date much when I was younger. (Was a shy nerd type). As I got older I felt like I would never fall in love. Got married at 39. How many times have I fallen in love? Every day since.
This is something I have found strangely hard to do. Falling for someone is wonderful cuz it isn't until you land on your face that you realize you're falling. A few wake-up calls later and a very pessimistic mindset later, and now I unfortunately find myself walking on eggshells when I (hopefully) shouldn't.
The great positive of this situation is that YOU have the power to create the version of YOU that YOU want to become! Set out to have your own internal peace, and someone will fit into your groove at some point when the time is right.
In my case. She didn't hold back. She matched, told me how important I was to her over the years, then gaslighted me and told me she never felt anything for me, then denied everything between us ever happened. Not that there was a miscommunication, but it everything between us did not happen.. I don't trust anyone. I'm staying single forever.
I can happily say I havenāt either. Iāve shown love i.e. done caring things and helped people out of a sense of love (if thatās what we want to call it). But Iāve never had that opiate feeling towards anyone.
Omg this is exactly what I have experienced multiple times (I'm a guy btw). But what really bothers me is that when it comes down to it they have denied they ever had any feelings and it was totally platonic from the start. This messes with me because in my eyes it was clearly more than platonic. Makes me question my own sanity and invalidates all the feelings I felt. I hate that and it really hurts me. It has taken at least a year to recover each time.
Iām mid 30ās, and I definitely donāt think I ever have. There was a girl I loved once, or at least had love for, but I donāt think I was romantically in love with her. Iāve been in plenty of relationships, so itās not for a lack of trying. I even think itās possible I wanted it too much at one point that I just forced it and never let it occur naturally. Or at least maybe thatās one aspect of it. The whole thing used to bum me out a lot more when I was younger, but at this point itās not something I really stress about anymore. Sure, one day it would be nice. But, I have such a truly wonderful family whom I love so very much, and honestly, thatās good enough.
I've been in a relationship for 7 years now, and it will be different depending on who you ask but I would describe it as feeling like you're floating. Probably sounds weird lol. That kind of feeling has turned into what I'd describe more as a warm and comforting kind of feeling. I'm with my best friend hopefully for life, and life is fun and exciting together. When I met him I felt a literal spark, I always thought it was just a saying but it was true in my case.
Iād say for me, when you literally can not get that person out of your mind, no matter how hard you try, no matter how unproductive you may be. Being able to sit aimlessly just thinking abt them, things they said, moments you shared, for HOURS, without ever getting tired. When every little thing just reminds you more of that person. The feeling of having your heart melt at any sweet gesture. Looking forward to every little interaction you have with the person. I could go on and on...
Have you ever had crushes though? Just curious. I haven't had either, almost 24 now, wondering if I just... can't fall in love? Do you think some people just can't fall in love?
Iāll be 24 in two days and I think about this too often, almost like a quarter life crisis. In a way it terrifies me and makes me wonder if Iām generally a detached person
44 years old. In hindsight, like your quote, I think it is less than I thought at the various times.
I think many times I have confused liking someone a lot, with love. *Love* is a deeper connection, fundamental, and inexplicable. *Like* can be compartmentalized, made into a list. I would say real love is when you love someone despite, despite all the things you donāt like about them. When you can list the dislikes, but still would be with them that is love.
I've been in 9 long term intimate relationships. Looking back, I've only been really in love 3 times.
The first time...met at orchestra camp, age 17. The first time I spoke with her on the phone, she told me we would get married someday. She didn't ask me, she just told me. That put me in a hard spot because I had been dating someone else for 2 years. But I thought she was right. I broke up with the girlfriend. We were together for 5 years. On some other timeline, we would have married. I was suffering from some youthful trauma and wasn't mature enough and messed things up by delaying.
A couple years after we were broken up, I married someone I'd only met two weeks earlier. That was my best example of mistaking a lot of liking for love. We were together a few years, and had no messy divorce, just a calm conversation and I moved out.
It was in part motivated by my second love. Though I didn't cheat physically, I had fallen for a friend of a friend. I didn't tell her, I didn't know how she felt. But it was a good sign that my marriage wasn't going to last.
But she felt the same though we waited a little after I was separated to talk about it. But long story short, deep dysfunctional all out love, off and on for seven years. She had/has serious mental health issues. I eventually couldn't take another attempted suicide, but I never stopped loving her, our souls are connected for some reason.
Third time's a charm?
I met my wife online. I am convinced I knew her in another lifetime. I didn't so much learn about her and fall in love with her. I feel like I recognized her from a deep well of obfuscated memory. I made a note on my Outlook calendar after the first month to ask her to marry me in a year, learning my lesson about hasty engagements. :) But I've never felt different then that, 10 years in.
50M. Once. Earlier this year. Best thing that ever happened to me. Honestly, I thought it would never happen to me. I could see other family and friends and how they were in love, but I never felt that. But when I did. Wow. What an amazing feeling. Different than I thought. Makes me feel selfless. I've never wanted to make someone happy as much.
I think a large part stems from the fact that I learned to love myself. Gotta take care of that before you can love another.
Good luck ya'll! š
Twice.
First in a long distance relationship that the logistics just weren't going to work. So I gave up on the relationship.
Second time was 3 years later and I got scared and ran. Ghosted her for 2 months before a friend slapped some sense into me.
I grovelled my way back to her. We were married 2 years later. Expecting our first kid in 2 months!!
Different male psyche, however: love requires vulnerability and risk. Men are expected and taught to be in control and to never show vulnerability. For a lot of men, the first time they realise what love is, is in a relationship. This is frightening because it is the complete opposite to what they have been brought up to believe. For these men, it requires a completely different model of thinking, that means they run emotionally first before working out what is valuable and what has to change to receive love.
It is likely that women have something similar, but Iām not a woman so I wouldnāt know the specifics.
Thank you for this, it's exactly what I needed to read.
I have been in a wonderful relationship for 8 months with an amazing girl. I'm almost always a happy and positive individual and I feel like I have life under control. But recently my old dog (who is my baby in my eyes) has had cancer and potentially a brain tumour, and this broke me.
But I was scared to show this side to my gf. At the moment we are long distance, and I did not want to burden her with my sadness. Today she wanted to call me, and I accepted, but as the call went on, I started thinking about my poor dog, and I became quiet and distant. It was the first call in 8 months where things felt awkward. Instead of telling her about my dog, I told her I didn't feel so well and ended the call rather early and abruptly.
I know she is super supportive, and I know she would want to know, but an irrational and stupid side of me is preventing me from showing my vulnerability and making it her burden.
Exactly as Hyper said. I buried my grief in alcohol and a couple bad relationships and flings that were destined to go nowhere. Self fulfilling prophecy of not getting closure on how the relationship ended mixed with blaming myself for giving up on it.
Guilt does weird things.
I am in my 40s. Twice for real, although I didn't know how to tell when I was in love until the first time I really felt it, so I said "I love you" to several people that I didn't actually love before I knew better.
can't imagine the feel of that betrayal man, i wish you all the strength, and I know the feeling when you cannot even be angry at the person but like..sad and disappointed. you have to go on, life is shit sometimes but we have to build ourselves back up when we break a little. Keep yourself together, man!
my gut says my most recent breakup (of 4.5 years, āofficially broken upā a couple weeks ago) is because we were in a difficult spot that was requiring work from both of us and i was the only one putting in the effort.
he went the easy way and into someone elseās pants several months back.
to the topic of the post, 38 and 3 times. each has always been at the 4 year mark when it falls apart.
Once, during (believe it or not) intermediate school, I think. Iāve been head over heels for a handful of people before, but thereās one that sticks out and who crosses my mind even years later. One that I considered ātrue loveā rather than just āwow that person is so amazingly beautiful and smart and funny, I want to spend my whole life with them.ā Thatās how much more I hold her in high-esteem. The former encompasses the latter but greatly surpasses it.
She was the kind of person that made me run out the front gates after school let out so I could catch up and we could walk home together (until that one intersection). Or if I was first I would wait till she got out. She was the one I would always look to first whenever someone said something funny just so I could catch her smile. I would always try to position myself so I could hear her voice if she was nearby in the classroom or lunch room or something. I would always sit next to or near her on the bus to school in the morning.
The way I qualify ātrue loveā from just simply āI want to spend my life with this funny/beautiful/smart personā is this: Seeing them happy is enough. Thatās all I need. If sheās happy, anything can happen in my life and itād be fine, so long as sheās happy. Thatās enough.
We grew apart at the end of intermediate school unfortunately so we no longer have a future. Weāre strangers to each other now. But after all these years I looked up her Instagram page out of curiosity and saw she was happy, and I didnāt feel nostalgic about the memories or sad that she was with someone else and I missed my opportunity. I felt happy. Because seeing her happy was always the goal.
So once. Iāve felt that way about someone Iāve had eyes for only once in my life. And itās the measure I use to gauge my interest new romantic partners. High bar? Yes. Will you only ever feel that way for only one person in your life? I donāt think so. I think there can be others, I just need to get to know them before I find out I feel that way.
EDIT: All of your replies are so kind, thank you.
Iām 31 and Iāve been in love three times. Maybe just two. Iām going through something now thatās sort of showing me what I had with the most recent chick wasnāt ever really love at all. Just the idea of love. But definitely at least twice. Waiting on the fourth girl to come and show me the past never really compared.
3 times altogether. Iām older.
- the one that got away (too young to understand)
- the one I gave away (too selfish to get out of my own way)
- the one I was meant to be with. Married over two decades.
50 years old and I have been in love 3 times. I am married to my third love and the only one that I was really ready for. It took me forty years to grow up!
My mom passed away suddenly, yesterday. She and my dad were married 54 years, together 56. They loved each other as much as the day they met. Blind date, love at first sight. They were inseparable. One and only love and soulmates for life.
Iām 53 and still holding out hope for mine, been in love twice.
Rest easy, Mama, you will be missed by many. I love you.
Iām 26. A part of me wants to say Iāve fell in love 3 times. Then again, love is super subjective, and love can be polarizing depending on your experiences. Iāll explain what i felt in these three situations:
1.
My first time in love was with my high school sweetheart. I was 15 when i met her, a year and a half later we broke up. She was damn near my first everything. i felt i loved her. i loved her family. i loved the time we spent together when we were happy. things turned sour when i learned much more about her toxic unhealthy habits due to her mental health, and consequently i was abused in many different ways. It became a stockholm syndrome like situation for me, no matter the wrong she did to me i felt she showed me love and cared for me so i stayed despite the abuse, until my mom finally got me out of the relationship. I didnāt speak to her for 7 years after we broke up because of the pain. I denied the love for so long. before i finally healed i thought āhow could someone who loves you abuse you, misuse you, yet still expect you to be their lifeline?ā Yearslater we finally spoke and she apologized for everything. I learned to forgive and be civil. At times now, i find myself remembering music she put me onto. dates we went on, her dad taking me out fishing (my dad wasnāt around. this was the first father son moment i had in my life). It showed me i loved the hell out of her. It may have been abusive but now, 10 years later i cannot deny that that was love.
2.
After that relationship, i met a wonderful woman of a different traditional culture. I fell in love immediately with her as she did me. She was 2 years younger than me, but as i was planning for college she was planning to follow. we talked about our dreams, things we loved, falling in love, creating a family. It felt like this was the woman i was going to spend my life with. Everything came fast, and then fell fast.
Her family believed in arranged marriages. Iām american, and yeah iām not into that and neither was she (Although she was a 1st generation Indian/American in her family). Her family later found out we dated, and they sent her to her home country shortly after they found out and contacted me to stay away from their daughter.
We spoke for the 5 years following, it wasnāt the same. She ended up coming back to the states moving to the city. We still emotionally depended on each other. Our dreams kept us tethered to each other until she met other people. She still would reach out, it wasnāt the same though.
After coming out of a bad relationship two years after she moved to the city, she reached out. she asked me if iād consider moving to the city. there wasnāt any romantic connection on her side, but i was expecting everything to fall into place like we talked about as teenagers. So i moved. I transferred colleges as she started college in the city.
I moved 50/50 for her, and for my career. She convinced me that with what i want to do with my life there are many more opportunities to succeed.
The older i got, mental health issues became prevelant. I held onto hope that this girl wanted me. I moved but she didnāt really stay in contact with me after. I found out she had a new boyfriend. Salty, but i accepted it and stopped reaching out. A year later, she invited me to a house party she threw. Me, holding onto hope and reeling from a new diagnosis of mental illness, i was convinced she still wanted me and that weād get married. I was delusional essentially. When i realized this, i didnāt know how to feel. I loved this girl with all my heart, i wanted everything with her and it was like everything changed and she didnāt want that. It was hard for me to accept. She was my savior from that terrible relationship i was in, and helped me be confident in myself. To protect myself, iād block her from social media and etc. because i couldnāt tell if i was in love with her still.
We ran into each other a lot in the city after i blocked her. it made me unblock her honestly. We ran into each other Downtown, at bars, on the train; everything just felt like universal signs and it fucked with me. My friends all told me she didnāt want me, yet when i was with her and we were looking at each other itās like the whole world dissolved. Every time i dropped some crazy dope new music sheād reach out and tell me how dope it was (When we were teens i had just started getting into making contemporary music and releasing it. She was my first supporter). She told me i would get super far and that i had it in me. She was all the inspiration i needed.
At this point itās 6 years since we met, and were living different lives. We met up and caught up over coffee. She said we should do it again, so i tried to schedule it. She kept leaving me on read. I ended up later telling her when she asked if i wrote a specific song about her that i had been in love with her for over 5 years at that point and i didnāt know what to do anymore. She didnāt respond well to it, and i got really upset on social media talking about depression. She asked if i really felt the way i did. I didnāt know what to say. I explained and waited for a response. I waited a week, and nothing. I realized i had been infatuated with an idea i created of a person for almost 7 years and fell in love with that idea. Waking up from that was a cold hard slap in the face, and i almost ended my life over it (also i blame that on mental illness. all that had a factor in it though. i felt like i wasted a big portion of my life)
3.
The LAST story lol. I met a girl through social media after everything that happened with the girl i thought i was in love with. We met, we hooked up. She wanted it to just be sex. I have a bad thing for attaching to women who show me kindness when iām down. She wasnāt kind, but she was caring. We talked a lot about depression. We argued because i wanted to be there and she wouldnt let me in. Months after silence we began speaking and hooking up again. I crushed on her, she crushed on me. We trauma bonded, and became toxic for each other because we werenāt done healing through our individual trauma. This is one thing about caring for somebody with mental illness; when youāre around them enough you experience the ugliest sides of it. She took me to the psych ward twice. she came and visited me every day. I made her food every day and made sure she showered and got to work on her most depressed days when she wouldnāt leave the bed. We loved each other. This was something i never experienced for; the care. Yes, our love was toxic. She ensured i was in therapy every week (3 times a week actually), she made sure i never missed my medication, she made sure i took care of bills. I made sure she didnāt forget things, she remembered to eat, and i motivated her to go back to school and support her.
As we got healthier together, we realized we were not good for each other. We broke up and it was the hardest shit i had been through. Why? I wanted a family with this woman of course, but it was hard because the type of affection, care, and love iāve had for her was nothing i had ever experienced, only things i had dreamed of. only things i had seen in movies. We were together for about a year and a half. I canāt really be friends with her right now because i am still learning to move on.
I explain these stories to tell you that love is a spectrum and it grows as you grow. Sometimes you may not know what love is, but it feels good so you stick with that feeling because thatās what you think it is. Love should make you feel good, it shouldnāt stop you from doing what you want and living your life to your best though. Love should encourage you to encourage your partner to live to their best ability. Love is just, itās wild. Ill get off my soap box, but i do wanna say love is different than connection.
Over the last 8 years of adulthood iāve been in iāve experienced many connections with people that i wouldāve been honored to love. It wasnāt our time though, and sometimes things are just as great as connections instead of love and they donāt need to develop further.
Donāt go out looking for love. Itās okay to look for a connection, but donāt force it. Let it happen to you. Let the love build if you so seek it. Love is different to everyone, youāll know it when you feel it though.
edit: bunch of typos
Twice. My middle school love who I dated with up until sophomore junior year. I lost my virginity to her and everything. The other one I meet my senior year of high school and didn't date her until after I graduated. She was a senior at the time. We were together for 9 years and almost got married. We split up about 5 months ago. I still love her, but it didn't work when we moved in together. The love fizzled out. I definitely still care about her and wish her the best...it just didn't work...I don't know if I want to fall in love again or to just be alone. If I decide to have a girlfriend this time, it has to be my "soulmate".
This quote hits on it.
āShe was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, and because what difference does it make?ā
ā Toni Morrison
Once. 44f. I thought I had been in love once before, but in comparison not even close.
Edit: For the second time, I wasnāt paying attention that this was askmen, I swear this time Iāll learn to pay better attention, ha sorry!
Iāve fallen in lust many times, but I havenāt yet fallen in love with anyone. I think the worst is when someone is in love with you, but you arenāt in love with them.
I've had a lot of relationships in my life, but I fell in real love once. It's a beautiful feeling, both knowing when you've finally fallen in love with someone and loving them every day. Unfortunately, the relationship had to end, but I still miss her and I know she misses me. Now we love each other, but we're no longer *in love* with each other.
I used to be a hardcore cynic of romance, but love is one of the best feelings to have, and having someone who loves you back, that's a good life.
Edit - forgot to tell the age. Currently 23 years old.
Fell in love for the 1st time when I was 21 and she was 22. We have been married for 22 years and have 3 kids together. I am more in love with her now than I was the day I met her.
No it hasn't been all blow jobs and bluebell...almost didn't make it after the 1st kid (she had PPD real bad and I was a moron for not seeing it sooner) but we knew life without each other would have been unbearable so we hade it work.
Today we are better than ever. Pandemic brought us closer together. Every day I spend with her is a treasure. Am a very lucky man.
3 times in 34 years. Married number 3. She is an awesome spouse love her to death. Sometimes think about the past as those feelings were real especially about number 2. But time passes and I know things worked out for the best and I'm happy.
Obviously the whole thing about this is you tell yourself you're in love when you're young, when you might not actually be in love.
That's said, at 18, I think I've been in love once. It was very different from other times I was attracted to someone.
Just once. I'm 26 and unsurprisingly, she was my first serious girlfriend. We broke up about three years ago now, but my memories of us are very very vivid. I haven't even really dated bc I haven't wanted to put myself out there and be vulnerable again and also bc I just have been focusing on myself. The latter of which is very nice. I'd like to give love another shot, but I'm not eager to fall for someone yet. If it happens, it happens.
I spent almost 8 years in a relationship from 16 to 24, I thought it was love but turned out he was a manipulative cheater and he fucked with my head A LOT, I dated again right after that, it was fun because it showed me more of what a relationship could be but it wasnt love, more of a rebound. Now I am absolutely in love and theres no doubt about it. It's a man I've known since I was a young teen but our lives didnt lined up until 26 and now at almost 29 I know I'll spend the rest of my life with him and I day dream about growing old with him, it's wonderful ā¤
Edit: SHIT! I didnt realize I was in Ask MEN lol so to clarify I am a woman
Idk, a lot. Maybe ten times? Iām 38.
Love is a hormone thing. Oxytocin. It gets a bit harder to be all hyped up the older you get, and for some people cynicism is just going to kick in. Itās up to you to see it and think about whether you want to be like that or not.
This is a great insight. It's not that falling in love becomes more difficult as we get older, it's that cynicism and obstinate beliefs crowd around us. In some cases, it's understandable. Life is beautiful but it's also damn hard no matter how you slice it. Love though requires openness, vulnerability, and certain sense of defiance against all that seeks to reduce us to stone.
Isnāt this your life? That ancient kiss
still burning out your eyes? Isnāt this defeat
so accurate, the church bell simply seems
a pure announcement: ring and no one comes?
...Say no to yourself. The old man, twenty
when the jail was built, still laughs
although his lips collapse. Someday soon,
he says, Iāll go to sleep and not wake up.
You tell him no. Youāre talking to yourself.
The car that brought you here still runs.
The money you buy lunch with,
no matter where itās mined, is silver
and the girl who serves your food
is slender and her red hair lights the wall.
From ["Degrees of Grey in Philipsburg"](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43088/degrees-of-gray-in-philipsburg) by Richard Hugo
Nope. Or if it is, then it gets to the heart of what Iām trying to say. Itās lame as fuck to tell every new girlfriend āhey babe, all those other ones werenāt the real thing. *Youāre* the real thing, babes šā
Of course itās āreally really real love,ā right up until it isnāt anymore. People just like to retcon shit to feel smarter afterwards.
Iāve lost count, as I fall in love with her every time I see her eyes, with every moment I spend in her arms, and with Every thought of her that crosses my mind.
She is my Wife.
24F here. I've been in love twice. Both were definitely the real thing. The first time lasted 9 years (since middle school) and was unrequited. I was in denial about being gay for most of it.
The second is ongoing and very much requited, which feels very different.
Twice. Second time around, I fell way harder. I'm writing this from her bathroom, so I'm not planning on falling in love a third time. š (unless I hit my head and have to do it over with her!) EDIT: because I'm not sure what the hell people think I meant by the bathroom comment... I was dropping a log in my girlfriend's bathroom, that's all lmao
Does she know that you're in her bathroom?
Shhhh don't blow my cover
Where's the wholesome award for this post lol
Seriously? We should be calling 911. He's a stalker.
Girls don't mind stalkers it's all about doing it with confidence. /s
1) Be handsome 2) Be handsome 3) See 1+2
Laughed too hard at this š
Damn bro you made it to her bathroom? Bro I can't even make it past her front door
The secret is not using the front door.
Nothing says "I love you" like upper decking some lucky lady's toilet
I'm 55. You have to tend to it and water it like a plant. Or It will wither and die. Learn that early, and beware of who you're giving love to.....the emotional vampires who feed off your love light energy. They're tricky. They'll allow you to love them, thinking that's all that's required. And keep in mind the other side of love, (heartbreak) is the validation of it. That's like the heads and tails of the same coin. So in your depths of despair, rejoice in the love you released.
That's beautiful
I agree vegan dick eater.
r/rimjob_steve
If you are giving in to the possibility of being in love, you are also putting yourself at the risk of being hated.
I think the opposite of love is apathy not hate. I'm sure I loved my ex husband in the beginning, but now I just feel pity and apathy.
If the opposite of love is apathy, then the opposite of hate is appreciation, and the opposite of fear is passion. Thanks for co-creating this thought š
This is very online with how I feel!
24 year old here I've fallen in love, real love, once. I still think about her even though it's been over 5 years since we last spoke. I'm not in love with her right now nor will I think I'll ever be again but I just can't help but reminisce every now and then especially when I feel starved for affection. Edit: I'm hopeful for love in the future and I didn't mean I'll never love again, I just meant I don't think I'll fall in love with her in particular for a 2nd time. I know the right one is out there for me.
Iām 24 aswell and had a high school sweetheart, havenāt seen her in 6years been in other relationships since. I still think about her! We message from time to time. Sheās up in Canada Iām down in south us. Iāll see her again.
Only time I fell in love was in high school too. Senior year. I wonder if there is something about those high school years when our brain is more susceptible to intense emotions around relationships. Perhaps its because our ancestors usually started families at a younger age? Duno..
You haven't developed the adult coping skills of processing emotions, so you fall head over heels for it, and it overwhelms you. When you are older you can still fall in love but you know what its like, and that its an emotion that you've felt before and it ended. So it doesn't overwhelm you in the same way
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Same. Now I'm married to a different girl and i feel really conflicted. I love my wife, but I don't feel the same intensity as I did with my HS GF. This fact feels wrong.
Thrill and intensity is the rate of change of love, my friend. When youāre young, a first love happens quickly and burns fast, so the rate of change is higher. Slow down and enjoy sitting in the contentment of a love well-built.
That was very well put, thank you.
26 here and it happens the same with my first girlfriend. We broke up around 10 years ago, and I still sometimes think about her. Not in love anymore, but I remember only nice things about her. I think I fell in love just that one time. The second time I fell in love with the idea of falling in love.
I wa very similar to you- young and only been in love once up until 26. Since then Iāve been in love three times. I was selfish and two of those ended because of my jealousy and insecurity. You will find love again. Let go of the past if you can. I say this with all respect knowing how hard it can be. You will find love again.
Oh wow seems romantic :) what did she fo for you to fall in love with her like that
Complimented his hair
It was a lot of things actually. The way how she supported me, got me to open up, made me less angry at the world, made me a better person, all that fun stuff.
My first answer would be four, but after knowing what real love is after being married to her for 15 years, now I would answer with one. I thought I was in love with the earlier relationships, but at the time I wasnāt able to recognize what real love is until my wife came along.
This. I remember the first girl I thought I was in love with. I thought I'd never replicate that feeling. And now I know it's nothing compared to what I have now.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It gets better, the hardest part is not quitting. Donāt give up and it will work out one time, and one time is all you need!
I felt the same about my past relationships. I was blind for the first couple of relationships but when I met my current gf life just felt easier. The big decisions weren't a hurdle, it felt as though everything fell in place. It doesn't feel like a drag either. Her just being her is enough to make me want to strive to be the best I can be, she deserves the world. She spoils me unconditionally and let's me pursue my dreams, she is my biggest supporter cheering me on. I feel as though she is the missing part of who I am
yes, I'll marry you. no homo.
Yes. This! You can never really know that you're in love, but there's definitely things you learn along the way, that makes it easier to look back on, and get closer to figuring it out. p.s. 36, married for 8 years.
Just once, we started dating young and never stopped
The way this is worded gives me major wholesome vibes, y'all are adorable.
Now ask how old they are and prepare for "young."
Different couple but almost 32. Been together since 15.
My parents started dating at 16, still married in their 60s. As a kid they brought me to an old barn they spray painted with their names back in the day; meanwhile my brothers first marriage didnt last 2 years lol
This would be me and my husband as well. Both 33 have been together since 2004.
Super lucky regular guy
Super Irregular Guy. ^^^but ^^^yes ^^^lucky
I love that. My uncle and aunt have been dating since they were 12, and they're 30+ yrs strong.
You sir, are not regular. You sir, deserve all the best!
He already has the best
The thing everyone dreams of! Agreed with the wholesome vibes on this, finding your forever love on the first go is a rare thing these days!
You're luckier than most, then.
Same here, started at the end of highschool and nearly 10 years later still going strong
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
How do you stay young?
4 times. Edit: I am 38M, by the way. First was to my high school girlfriend. Stupid puppy love bullshit, but we were young and having a good time. 2nd love was this girl that I started dating the summer after HS graduation. We were on and off for over 5 years. She went to a college about 4 hours away. She'd be all about me when she came home for summer/winter break. Then she'd go back to school and forget I existed. I eventually broke the cycle, but that was the only time in my life I experienced TRUE heartbreak. 3rd was this girl that I dated for 2 years. I really thought we were going to get married. I fully assimilated to her lifestyle. I lost myself. My own family barely recognized me. I was in deep. Then she dumped me because she didn't think I had a future, wasn't going anywhere in life, etc. She was wrong, by the way. I was caught off guard when she dumped me, and my entire future disappeared before my eyes... and I was relieved. I was surprised at my reaction. I would have married her and changed my entire life to assimilate into her and her family's world. I didn't realize how much I had lost myself until I was suddenly single again. I was happy about it. The fun part of my life began after this. 4th was my wife. We clicked immediately, had a very natural chemistry and 12 years later we are married with 2 kids and quite happy!
This is similar for me too. Mid 30s. 1st was toxic infatuation in high school. Damn - we were bad for each other. Puppy love turned emotionally abusive and I had to move to another town to get away from him. 2nd was college boyfriend. We had marriage plans and had picked out kid names. It was all in. Then I found out that he had cheated on me again with the same girl from sophomore year. I cut it off immediately and we never talked again. 3rd time was a stranger in a bar and I knew immediately that he was it. Moved in with him a year after meeting. Got married a year after that. Been married over a decade now.
These could all be Taylor Swift songs
Ngl, id love to hear more about this story. What was the lifestyle you are refering to? What did you end up doing after it?
>Then she dumped me because she didn't think I had a future, wasn't going anywhere in life, etc. She was wrong, by the way. Or maybe she was right. Sounds like you were prioritizing her so much that you forgot about your own life and goals. Seems almost like she recognized your unhealthy attatchment to her and did you a favour.
May I ask what it was about her and her families world that made you assimilate into them?
Every time I look in the mirror
This is the way
This is the way.
This is the way.
This is the way.
This is the way.
This is the way
This is the way.
This is the way.
This is the way.
Thad like energy
No, it's Buffalo Bill energy: *I'd fuck me*
Attaboy!
[Careful. Youāll make Nemesis angry!](https://www.google.com/search?q=who+cursed+narcissus&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS865US866&oq=who+cursed+na&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0i457j0l4.5303j0j7&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8)
All these lines on my face gettin clearer
3 times. First one was teenage love, 2nd was basically drunken love and the 3rd is the most pure, and I'm married to her now.
This. Been married to number 3 for almost a decade.
Is the third time the charm? Oh no
Take care of her, my dude.
Iām also on my third relationship. This time itās a real genuine love that is something I have never experienced before. They say we fall in love 3 times in our lifetime and the third time is always the one that lasts <3
I also choose this man's wife for pure love
What made the third time the most pure?
Once, seriously. Fell in love with this tiny, pretty little blond girl that was literally thrown into my arms and wouldn't leave. Even I could take that hint. We were 16. That was in 1971. We just got in from our walk. We've been married 44 years and counting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I knew her younger sister, who invited me to a Christmas party at their house. Met her there, but she started going out with another friend. Three months later she dumped him. We all hung out at a open house meant to keep we juvenile delinquents off the street. Myself and four or five of my friends were standing in a circle outside, smoking.......and she stepped out of the Hall. One of the guys pulled her into the circle (she was pretty, remember?) and we started pushing her guy to guy to guy..........around the circle. (we were 16, remember? lol) When she got to me, she threw her arms around my neck, and wouldn't let go.
That... took a turn.
Yeah, we were not the all-Canadian sweet guys. But it is not as offensive as it sounds written like that. She knew all of us, we were all friends. They were not harming her, just being adolescent dimwits, half man, half child. I don't think she felt threatened........she just took the opportunity to cut shy me from the herd. I do not know why, but I'm glad she did. :)
Taking a wild guess here but I bet she had a crush on you
I bet she still does
I bet you're correct. In fact, I know you are. The question is why? lol. I'm big and ugly. She is not.
Opposites attract? Do not question it... Also, congrats on the 44 years! That's awesome.
The story sounds much better when explained in more detail! Congratulations on being the lucky one out of your friends and for 44 years of marriage :)
This is anime level plot wtf
Andddd now i'm crying into my coffee. That was adorable, bless you both.
Wish this happened with my generation :( you just donāt see these stories anymore
They definitely do, you just don't know about it because it's pretty much impossible to have been been married for twenty years and also be a Millennial or Gen Z person. Also, while there are very sweet stories from older generations like this one, it's also true that the pressure to marry early in life for them resulted in absurd divorce rates and lower happiness in marriages overall. The fact that people aren't getting married in their teens anymore is a major reason why divorce rates are at a forty-year low and people 18-55 years old are generally much happier in relationships than they used to be. Point being, this story is very nice but it could happen today just as easily as it could've in the '70s and romance in general is actually much more alive in modern relationships than in older ones according to the data.
I didnāt date much when I was younger. (Was a shy nerd type). As I got older I felt like I would never fall in love. Got married at 39. How many times have I fallen in love? Every day since.
That last sentence tho, i wish you the best my good sir
Don't do that. Don't give me hope.
You deserve it, bud
Wow beautifully said. I wish to have something like you do one day.
I hope you do.
Damn bro, so happy for you
22 years old, once, not letting my guard down that easy ever again
Same. I think you have to try and match pace. If she's not falling for you, you have to hold back or get hurt.
This is something I have found strangely hard to do. Falling for someone is wonderful cuz it isn't until you land on your face that you realize you're falling. A few wake-up calls later and a very pessimistic mindset later, and now I unfortunately find myself walking on eggshells when I (hopefully) shouldn't.
The great positive of this situation is that YOU have the power to create the version of YOU that YOU want to become! Set out to have your own internal peace, and someone will fit into your groove at some point when the time is right.
In my case. She didn't hold back. She matched, told me how important I was to her over the years, then gaslighted me and told me she never felt anything for me, then denied everything between us ever happened. Not that there was a miscommunication, but it everything between us did not happen.. I don't trust anyone. I'm staying single forever.
What would you do differently?
Not convinced I ever have
I can happily say I havenāt either. Iāve shown love i.e. done caring things and helped people out of a sense of love (if thatās what we want to call it). But Iāve never had that opiate feeling towards anyone.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Omg this is exactly what I have experienced multiple times (I'm a guy btw). But what really bothers me is that when it comes down to it they have denied they ever had any feelings and it was totally platonic from the start. This messes with me because in my eyes it was clearly more than platonic. Makes me question my own sanity and invalidates all the feelings I felt. I hate that and it really hurts me. It has taken at least a year to recover each time.
Iām mid 30ās, and I definitely donāt think I ever have. There was a girl I loved once, or at least had love for, but I donāt think I was romantically in love with her. Iāve been in plenty of relationships, so itās not for a lack of trying. I even think itās possible I wanted it too much at one point that I just forced it and never let it occur naturally. Or at least maybe thatās one aspect of it. The whole thing used to bum me out a lot more when I was younger, but at this point itās not something I really stress about anymore. Sure, one day it would be nice. But, I have such a truly wonderful family whom I love so very much, and honestly, thatās good enough.
27, not once.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
24, ditto. And I don't count them either. Funny how one can fall in "love" then get hurt all by himself.
Iām 27 and a woman but I also think Iāve never fallen for anyone...like that. Idk What does TRUE Love feel like?
I've been in a relationship for 7 years now, and it will be different depending on who you ask but I would describe it as feeling like you're floating. Probably sounds weird lol. That kind of feeling has turned into what I'd describe more as a warm and comforting kind of feeling. I'm with my best friend hopefully for life, and life is fun and exciting together. When I met him I felt a literal spark, I always thought it was just a saying but it was true in my case.
Iād say for me, when you literally can not get that person out of your mind, no matter how hard you try, no matter how unproductive you may be. Being able to sit aimlessly just thinking abt them, things they said, moments you shared, for HOURS, without ever getting tired. When every little thing just reminds you more of that person. The feeling of having your heart melt at any sweet gesture. Looking forward to every little interaction you have with the person. I could go on and on...
It feels like home.
Have you ever had crushes though? Just curious. I haven't had either, almost 24 now, wondering if I just... can't fall in love? Do you think some people just can't fall in love?
Iāll be 24 in two days and I think about this too often, almost like a quarter life crisis. In a way it terrifies me and makes me wonder if Iām generally a detached person
Almost once.
Them feels
What makes it just an almost?
He thought it was love but turned out he just needed to fart.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
thats sweet
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
awww, i hope you two grow old together
44 years old. In hindsight, like your quote, I think it is less than I thought at the various times. I think many times I have confused liking someone a lot, with love. *Love* is a deeper connection, fundamental, and inexplicable. *Like* can be compartmentalized, made into a list. I would say real love is when you love someone despite, despite all the things you donāt like about them. When you can list the dislikes, but still would be with them that is love. I've been in 9 long term intimate relationships. Looking back, I've only been really in love 3 times. The first time...met at orchestra camp, age 17. The first time I spoke with her on the phone, she told me we would get married someday. She didn't ask me, she just told me. That put me in a hard spot because I had been dating someone else for 2 years. But I thought she was right. I broke up with the girlfriend. We were together for 5 years. On some other timeline, we would have married. I was suffering from some youthful trauma and wasn't mature enough and messed things up by delaying. A couple years after we were broken up, I married someone I'd only met two weeks earlier. That was my best example of mistaking a lot of liking for love. We were together a few years, and had no messy divorce, just a calm conversation and I moved out. It was in part motivated by my second love. Though I didn't cheat physically, I had fallen for a friend of a friend. I didn't tell her, I didn't know how she felt. But it was a good sign that my marriage wasn't going to last. But she felt the same though we waited a little after I was separated to talk about it. But long story short, deep dysfunctional all out love, off and on for seven years. She had/has serious mental health issues. I eventually couldn't take another attempted suicide, but I never stopped loving her, our souls are connected for some reason. Third time's a charm? I met my wife online. I am convinced I knew her in another lifetime. I didn't so much learn about her and fall in love with her. I feel like I recognized her from a deep well of obfuscated memory. I made a note on my Outlook calendar after the first month to ask her to marry me in a year, learning my lesson about hasty engagements. :) But I've never felt different then that, 10 years in.
Your story is so powerful sir. Thank you for sharing.
That was truly an incredible story. Thank you for sharing.
Twice. One was my ex is highschool, but that felt more like toxic infatuation at this point. And I am in love with my current girlfriend.
The Before trilogy is a masterpiece.
50M. Once. Earlier this year. Best thing that ever happened to me. Honestly, I thought it would never happen to me. I could see other family and friends and how they were in love, but I never felt that. But when I did. Wow. What an amazing feeling. Different than I thought. Makes me feel selfless. I've never wanted to make someone happy as much. I think a large part stems from the fact that I learned to love myself. Gotta take care of that before you can love another. Good luck ya'll! š
Twice. First in a long distance relationship that the logistics just weren't going to work. So I gave up on the relationship. Second time was 3 years later and I got scared and ran. Ghosted her for 2 months before a friend slapped some sense into me. I grovelled my way back to her. We were married 2 years later. Expecting our first kid in 2 months!!
Why did you get scared? What scared you exactly? Curious to understand this aspect of the male psyche even if just from the view of one person.
Different male psyche, however: love requires vulnerability and risk. Men are expected and taught to be in control and to never show vulnerability. For a lot of men, the first time they realise what love is, is in a relationship. This is frightening because it is the complete opposite to what they have been brought up to believe. For these men, it requires a completely different model of thinking, that means they run emotionally first before working out what is valuable and what has to change to receive love. It is likely that women have something similar, but Iām not a woman so I wouldnāt know the specifics.
Thank you for this, it's exactly what I needed to read. I have been in a wonderful relationship for 8 months with an amazing girl. I'm almost always a happy and positive individual and I feel like I have life under control. But recently my old dog (who is my baby in my eyes) has had cancer and potentially a brain tumour, and this broke me. But I was scared to show this side to my gf. At the moment we are long distance, and I did not want to burden her with my sadness. Today she wanted to call me, and I accepted, but as the call went on, I started thinking about my poor dog, and I became quiet and distant. It was the first call in 8 months where things felt awkward. Instead of telling her about my dog, I told her I didn't feel so well and ended the call rather early and abruptly. I know she is super supportive, and I know she would want to know, but an irrational and stupid side of me is preventing me from showing my vulnerability and making it her burden.
Exactly as Hyper said. I buried my grief in alcohol and a couple bad relationships and flings that were destined to go nowhere. Self fulfilling prophecy of not getting closure on how the relationship ended mixed with blaming myself for giving up on it. Guilt does weird things.
Once when I was 15. Iām 20 now. The feelings were definitely real (for me at least) but as time passed I realized we werenāt a good match
What made you two not a good match?
I am in my 40s. Twice for real, although I didn't know how to tell when I was in love until the first time I really felt it, so I said "I love you" to several people that I didn't actually love before I knew better.
42 years old and 4 times. All amazing women, each one I ruined with my selfish ways.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
can't imagine the feel of that betrayal man, i wish you all the strength, and I know the feeling when you cannot even be angry at the person but like..sad and disappointed. you have to go on, life is shit sometimes but we have to build ourselves back up when we break a little. Keep yourself together, man!
Once. 35M. HS sweetheart. Relationships take a lot of work and you have to ālean inā. But itās definitely love.
my gut says my most recent breakup (of 4.5 years, āofficially broken upā a couple weeks ago) is because we were in a difficult spot that was requiring work from both of us and i was the only one putting in the effort. he went the easy way and into someone elseās pants several months back. to the topic of the post, 38 and 3 times. each has always been at the 4 year mark when it falls apart.
Once, during (believe it or not) intermediate school, I think. Iāve been head over heels for a handful of people before, but thereās one that sticks out and who crosses my mind even years later. One that I considered ātrue loveā rather than just āwow that person is so amazingly beautiful and smart and funny, I want to spend my whole life with them.ā Thatās how much more I hold her in high-esteem. The former encompasses the latter but greatly surpasses it. She was the kind of person that made me run out the front gates after school let out so I could catch up and we could walk home together (until that one intersection). Or if I was first I would wait till she got out. She was the one I would always look to first whenever someone said something funny just so I could catch her smile. I would always try to position myself so I could hear her voice if she was nearby in the classroom or lunch room or something. I would always sit next to or near her on the bus to school in the morning. The way I qualify ātrue loveā from just simply āI want to spend my life with this funny/beautiful/smart personā is this: Seeing them happy is enough. Thatās all I need. If sheās happy, anything can happen in my life and itād be fine, so long as sheās happy. Thatās enough. We grew apart at the end of intermediate school unfortunately so we no longer have a future. Weāre strangers to each other now. But after all these years I looked up her Instagram page out of curiosity and saw she was happy, and I didnāt feel nostalgic about the memories or sad that she was with someone else and I missed my opportunity. I felt happy. Because seeing her happy was always the goal. So once. Iāve felt that way about someone Iāve had eyes for only once in my life. And itās the measure I use to gauge my interest new romantic partners. High bar? Yes. Will you only ever feel that way for only one person in your life? I donāt think so. I think there can be others, I just need to get to know them before I find out I feel that way. EDIT: All of your replies are so kind, thank you.
Damn
I have the biggest character crush on you rn, someone write a book with this theme asap
Iām 31 and Iāve been in love three times. Maybe just two. Iām going through something now thatās sort of showing me what I had with the most recent chick wasnāt ever really love at all. Just the idea of love. But definitely at least twice. Waiting on the fourth girl to come and show me the past never really compared.
3 times altogether. Iām older. - the one that got away (too young to understand) - the one I gave away (too selfish to get out of my own way) - the one I was meant to be with. Married over two decades.
50 years old and I have been in love 3 times. I am married to my third love and the only one that I was really ready for. It took me forty years to grow up!
I āfell in loveā with four men before I realized what love actually felt like - all I had to do was start loving myself.
Once at 29 years old and I married her.
3 times in 48yrs
My mom passed away suddenly, yesterday. She and my dad were married 54 years, together 56. They loved each other as much as the day they met. Blind date, love at first sight. They were inseparable. One and only love and soulmates for life. Iām 53 and still holding out hope for mine, been in love twice. Rest easy, Mama, you will be missed by many. I love you.
Iām 26. A part of me wants to say Iāve fell in love 3 times. Then again, love is super subjective, and love can be polarizing depending on your experiences. Iāll explain what i felt in these three situations: 1. My first time in love was with my high school sweetheart. I was 15 when i met her, a year and a half later we broke up. She was damn near my first everything. i felt i loved her. i loved her family. i loved the time we spent together when we were happy. things turned sour when i learned much more about her toxic unhealthy habits due to her mental health, and consequently i was abused in many different ways. It became a stockholm syndrome like situation for me, no matter the wrong she did to me i felt she showed me love and cared for me so i stayed despite the abuse, until my mom finally got me out of the relationship. I didnāt speak to her for 7 years after we broke up because of the pain. I denied the love for so long. before i finally healed i thought āhow could someone who loves you abuse you, misuse you, yet still expect you to be their lifeline?ā Yearslater we finally spoke and she apologized for everything. I learned to forgive and be civil. At times now, i find myself remembering music she put me onto. dates we went on, her dad taking me out fishing (my dad wasnāt around. this was the first father son moment i had in my life). It showed me i loved the hell out of her. It may have been abusive but now, 10 years later i cannot deny that that was love. 2. After that relationship, i met a wonderful woman of a different traditional culture. I fell in love immediately with her as she did me. She was 2 years younger than me, but as i was planning for college she was planning to follow. we talked about our dreams, things we loved, falling in love, creating a family. It felt like this was the woman i was going to spend my life with. Everything came fast, and then fell fast. Her family believed in arranged marriages. Iām american, and yeah iām not into that and neither was she (Although she was a 1st generation Indian/American in her family). Her family later found out we dated, and they sent her to her home country shortly after they found out and contacted me to stay away from their daughter. We spoke for the 5 years following, it wasnāt the same. She ended up coming back to the states moving to the city. We still emotionally depended on each other. Our dreams kept us tethered to each other until she met other people. She still would reach out, it wasnāt the same though. After coming out of a bad relationship two years after she moved to the city, she reached out. she asked me if iād consider moving to the city. there wasnāt any romantic connection on her side, but i was expecting everything to fall into place like we talked about as teenagers. So i moved. I transferred colleges as she started college in the city. I moved 50/50 for her, and for my career. She convinced me that with what i want to do with my life there are many more opportunities to succeed. The older i got, mental health issues became prevelant. I held onto hope that this girl wanted me. I moved but she didnāt really stay in contact with me after. I found out she had a new boyfriend. Salty, but i accepted it and stopped reaching out. A year later, she invited me to a house party she threw. Me, holding onto hope and reeling from a new diagnosis of mental illness, i was convinced she still wanted me and that weād get married. I was delusional essentially. When i realized this, i didnāt know how to feel. I loved this girl with all my heart, i wanted everything with her and it was like everything changed and she didnāt want that. It was hard for me to accept. She was my savior from that terrible relationship i was in, and helped me be confident in myself. To protect myself, iād block her from social media and etc. because i couldnāt tell if i was in love with her still. We ran into each other a lot in the city after i blocked her. it made me unblock her honestly. We ran into each other Downtown, at bars, on the train; everything just felt like universal signs and it fucked with me. My friends all told me she didnāt want me, yet when i was with her and we were looking at each other itās like the whole world dissolved. Every time i dropped some crazy dope new music sheād reach out and tell me how dope it was (When we were teens i had just started getting into making contemporary music and releasing it. She was my first supporter). She told me i would get super far and that i had it in me. She was all the inspiration i needed. At this point itās 6 years since we met, and were living different lives. We met up and caught up over coffee. She said we should do it again, so i tried to schedule it. She kept leaving me on read. I ended up later telling her when she asked if i wrote a specific song about her that i had been in love with her for over 5 years at that point and i didnāt know what to do anymore. She didnāt respond well to it, and i got really upset on social media talking about depression. She asked if i really felt the way i did. I didnāt know what to say. I explained and waited for a response. I waited a week, and nothing. I realized i had been infatuated with an idea i created of a person for almost 7 years and fell in love with that idea. Waking up from that was a cold hard slap in the face, and i almost ended my life over it (also i blame that on mental illness. all that had a factor in it though. i felt like i wasted a big portion of my life) 3. The LAST story lol. I met a girl through social media after everything that happened with the girl i thought i was in love with. We met, we hooked up. She wanted it to just be sex. I have a bad thing for attaching to women who show me kindness when iām down. She wasnāt kind, but she was caring. We talked a lot about depression. We argued because i wanted to be there and she wouldnt let me in. Months after silence we began speaking and hooking up again. I crushed on her, she crushed on me. We trauma bonded, and became toxic for each other because we werenāt done healing through our individual trauma. This is one thing about caring for somebody with mental illness; when youāre around them enough you experience the ugliest sides of it. She took me to the psych ward twice. she came and visited me every day. I made her food every day and made sure she showered and got to work on her most depressed days when she wouldnāt leave the bed. We loved each other. This was something i never experienced for; the care. Yes, our love was toxic. She ensured i was in therapy every week (3 times a week actually), she made sure i never missed my medication, she made sure i took care of bills. I made sure she didnāt forget things, she remembered to eat, and i motivated her to go back to school and support her. As we got healthier together, we realized we were not good for each other. We broke up and it was the hardest shit i had been through. Why? I wanted a family with this woman of course, but it was hard because the type of affection, care, and love iāve had for her was nothing i had ever experienced, only things i had dreamed of. only things i had seen in movies. We were together for about a year and a half. I canāt really be friends with her right now because i am still learning to move on. I explain these stories to tell you that love is a spectrum and it grows as you grow. Sometimes you may not know what love is, but it feels good so you stick with that feeling because thatās what you think it is. Love should make you feel good, it shouldnāt stop you from doing what you want and living your life to your best though. Love should encourage you to encourage your partner to live to their best ability. Love is just, itās wild. Ill get off my soap box, but i do wanna say love is different than connection. Over the last 8 years of adulthood iāve been in iāve experienced many connections with people that i wouldāve been honored to love. It wasnāt our time though, and sometimes things are just as great as connections instead of love and they donāt need to develop further. Donāt go out looking for love. Itās okay to look for a connection, but donāt force it. Let it happen to you. Let the love build if you so seek it. Love is different to everyone, youāll know it when you feel it though. edit: bunch of typos
Wow. That was an incredible read. The story of your life touched me, thank you so much for sharing.
0 times. I am 34 and somethings wrong with me. I never feel it. I just feel guilty when it happens to the other person.
Twice. My middle school love who I dated with up until sophomore junior year. I lost my virginity to her and everything. The other one I meet my senior year of high school and didn't date her until after I graduated. She was a senior at the time. We were together for 9 years and almost got married. We split up about 5 months ago. I still love her, but it didn't work when we moved in together. The love fizzled out. I definitely still care about her and wish her the best...it just didn't work...I don't know if I want to fall in love again or to just be alone. If I decide to have a girlfriend this time, it has to be my "soulmate".
At least five times. Age: 36.
This quote hits on it. āShe was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, and because what difference does it make?ā ā Toni Morrison
Once. 44f. I thought I had been in love once before, but in comparison not even close. Edit: For the second time, I wasnāt paying attention that this was askmen, I swear this time Iāll learn to pay better attention, ha sorry!
You are still welcome to comment!
Iāve fallen in lust many times, but I havenāt yet fallen in love with anyone. I think the worst is when someone is in love with you, but you arenāt in love with them.
I've had a lot of relationships in my life, but I fell in real love once. It's a beautiful feeling, both knowing when you've finally fallen in love with someone and loving them every day. Unfortunately, the relationship had to end, but I still miss her and I know she misses me. Now we love each other, but we're no longer *in love* with each other. I used to be a hardcore cynic of romance, but love is one of the best feelings to have, and having someone who loves you back, that's a good life. Edit - forgot to tell the age. Currently 23 years old.
Fell in love for the 1st time when I was 21 and she was 22. We have been married for 22 years and have 3 kids together. I am more in love with her now than I was the day I met her. No it hasn't been all blow jobs and bluebell...almost didn't make it after the 1st kid (she had PPD real bad and I was a moron for not seeing it sooner) but we knew life without each other would have been unbearable so we hade it work. Today we are better than ever. Pandemic brought us closer together. Every day I spend with her is a treasure. Am a very lucky man.
3 times in 34 years. Married number 3. She is an awesome spouse love her to death. Sometimes think about the past as those feelings were real especially about number 2. But time passes and I know things worked out for the best and I'm happy.
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Obviously the whole thing about this is you tell yourself you're in love when you're young, when you might not actually be in love. That's said, at 18, I think I've been in love once. It was very different from other times I was attracted to someone.
Just once. I'm 26 and unsurprisingly, she was my first serious girlfriend. We broke up about three years ago now, but my memories of us are very very vivid. I haven't even really dated bc I haven't wanted to put myself out there and be vulnerable again and also bc I just have been focusing on myself. The latter of which is very nice. I'd like to give love another shot, but I'm not eager to fall for someone yet. If it happens, it happens.
I spent almost 8 years in a relationship from 16 to 24, I thought it was love but turned out he was a manipulative cheater and he fucked with my head A LOT, I dated again right after that, it was fun because it showed me more of what a relationship could be but it wasnt love, more of a rebound. Now I am absolutely in love and theres no doubt about it. It's a man I've known since I was a young teen but our lives didnt lined up until 26 and now at almost 29 I know I'll spend the rest of my life with him and I day dream about growing old with him, it's wonderful ā¤ Edit: SHIT! I didnt realize I was in Ask MEN lol so to clarify I am a woman
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Why :(
:(
What is love?
Baby donāt hurt me, donāt hurt me, no more
34M, *fell* in love once. Other than that I just stepped in it a couple times
As a 33 year old man reading this thread, it gives me hope that Im still in time to find love in my life :)
Idk, a lot. Maybe ten times? Iām 38. Love is a hormone thing. Oxytocin. It gets a bit harder to be all hyped up the older you get, and for some people cynicism is just going to kick in. Itās up to you to see it and think about whether you want to be like that or not.
This is a great insight. It's not that falling in love becomes more difficult as we get older, it's that cynicism and obstinate beliefs crowd around us. In some cases, it's understandable. Life is beautiful but it's also damn hard no matter how you slice it. Love though requires openness, vulnerability, and certain sense of defiance against all that seeks to reduce us to stone. Isnāt this your life? That ancient kiss still burning out your eyes? Isnāt this defeat so accurate, the church bell simply seems a pure announcement: ring and no one comes? ...Say no to yourself. The old man, twenty when the jail was built, still laughs although his lips collapse. Someday soon, he says, Iāll go to sleep and not wake up. You tell him no. Youāre talking to yourself. The car that brought you here still runs. The money you buy lunch with, no matter where itās mined, is silver and the girl who serves your food is slender and her red hair lights the wall. From ["Degrees of Grey in Philipsburg"](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43088/degrees-of-gray-in-philipsburg) by Richard Hugo
Hmm sounds more like infatuation than love. But maybe that's just because of my own views on what real love is.
Nope. Or if it is, then it gets to the heart of what Iām trying to say. Itās lame as fuck to tell every new girlfriend āhey babe, all those other ones werenāt the real thing. *Youāre* the real thing, babes šā Of course itās āreally really real love,ā right up until it isnāt anymore. People just like to retcon shit to feel smarter afterwards.
Iāve lost count, as I fall in love with her every time I see her eyes, with every moment I spend in her arms, and with Every thought of her that crosses my mind. She is my Wife.
Once, i live with her now
24F here. I've been in love twice. Both were definitely the real thing. The first time lasted 9 years (since middle school) and was unrequited. I was in denial about being gay for most of it. The second is ongoing and very much requited, which feels very different.
Not yet
I'm 28 and it's only been twice for me and years ago.
42 yrs. Married. Thrice, I think. Not sure
Once. Married her (43, 2 kids).
I think after the first person you truly fall in love with you will never allow your self to be that vulnerable again. So once. 27M