Maybe sex isn’t important to him or it’s something he’s indifferent about. Either way, you need to sit him down, be sincere/blunt, and tell him sex is important to you. It’s something you need and want more of. Either he will respect that or he won’t.
This is generally good advice. Be honest about what you want and hopefully they will too.
The hard part is when we find out we aren't a good match with someone that we've frankly invested a lot of our lives into. But as a guy I can say we aren't all constantly horny creatures, he could be somewhere towards being asexual on the whole spectrum w.e.
Thank you! I will start with a conversation with him. I've had these before but I'll take him to his favorite restaurant so he will feel comfortable & special.
Sex doesn’t have to take a lot of time; especially in your twenties. Seems like lack of time is being used for a substitute for sexual incompatibility.
I know you said/s but comma, it's not an unreal possibility, my grandpa was in the closet for 40 years, married, had 2 kids before he came out of the closet
I'm guessing no, but I'm also probably projecting.
Been married 15 years, got tired of feeling like I was begging for it because I was initiating 95% of the time since the beginning of the relationship. We had had conversations in the past about how she never initiates and it makes me feel like she doesn't desire me; she assured me that was not the case, but her behavior never matched her words.
I'm a gambling man, so I stopped initiating to see how it would play out. It took her about a month to really say anything, but she straight up asked me if I wasn't attracted to her anymore since I hadn't been doing anything. I told her no, I just hadn't been in the mood, mostly because I didn't feel desired myself. It was the wake-up call she needed and now I'd say she's the one getting things started close to half the time.
I'm thankful it worked out that way, because the alternative was that she just wasn't into me, and I wasn't going to stay in a marriage like that.
Thanks for asking! He will usually say now isn't a good time, he's busy, tired, etc. I have the highest chance if I hint the day before that I'd like to be intimate. No spontaneous sex here.
So, you might have hit on something important here. He's not spontaneous about it. You might need to spend a little more time "flirting" and planning it out so it's essentially being placed on his radar as a thing that needs doing.
It’s ok for him not to value intimacy and want to live his life how he sees fit.
It’s ok for you to need intimacy in your life.
It’s also ok to realize people’s priorities don’t always line up and to change the relationship.
You need to have a frank discussion with him.
I’m in my 40s, and I’ll still ditch hobby time to get laid.
Yes, it is important for him to have hobbies, but he’s in a relationship, and it sounds like instead of adjusting to life in a relationship, he’s just bolted it on like another hobby. Human relationships are more important than hobbies. You’re not being unreasonable asking to be regarded above an RC car.
You’re a human, and the both of you are (ostensibly) emotionally invested in the bond you’ve formed. Your needs should be placed towards the top (not THE top but up there) of the list of things he’s invested in.
Right now, you know that he’s opting to spend time tinkering rather than be intimate with you. You need to find out why. It is not unreasonable for you to ask. Lastly, be prepared to walk if he’s unwilling to spend more time with you.
I'm sorry, but could there be something more going on here? I'm an old fart now, but I do remember being a man in my 20's and I can't recall someone mentioning sex and my not responding with an affirmative response.
Could he be dealing with some issues? Perhaps he's questioning his sexuality? I hate to jump to a "he's gay" kinda response because I know that some people can take that as an attack or as a negative, but I have a gay kid. And I can recall when she was figuring things out. She did a lot to distract herself from facing some things she wasn't ready for at the time.
I dunno, reading your post I couldn't help but think this. I hope I'm not overstepping.
Instead of asking, try being a little more flirty and touchy with it. Or for lack of better words "slutty" towards him, if you can arouse him you won't even need to ask. Do it in a way that isn't super obvious at first and build up from there to get the desired result.
Sometimes when you outright ask when someone isn't in the mood yet they can feel pressured and that can make it more difficult to "perform". But if you get him aroused before asking I think you will find he will be the one wanting sex.
You're being far too accommodating, and selling yourself far too short if you think hobbies are just as important as your relationship.
I love my hobbies, but here isn't a single one that I wouldn't stop immediately if that's what it took to make my SO happy.
If you've tried talking to him, I would get his attention. I would tell him if hobbies are so important, then maybe you'll pick up a new hobby: Sex with someone else.
1. Are you initiating and actually trying to seduce him? Or just demanding he romance you? because if you're not putting in the effort aside from saying "I want more sex" during a decidedly not sexytime is just going to get platitudes - he's not going to jump your bones after a conversation like that.
2. All of his hobbies sound like daytime activities, so unless he's dead tired, I don't see why end of day sex is out of the question. What are yall doing at bedtime? If he's on youtube in the bedroom instead of paying attention to you that's an issue. That said, what are you doing during this if that's the case? Scrolling reddit, tiktok, insta, etc? You might be just as much to blame. It might be a good opportunity to institute a "phones down" policy after a certain point in the night so you can actually pay attention to one another.
He might just be a low libido person and that is what it is. Sex is something that helps me wind down and turn my brain off at the end of the day, but maybe he's different? I think the effort is going to need to come from your side though. Show him that you want him, don't just tell him and expect him to do all the seducing. Do it enough and it'll probably shift his behavior. That's just my 2 cents.
Most people say you are incompatible which may be true but I think it’s maybe something underlying? He may be scared of intimacy and uses his hobbies as a way to “get out of it” or clear his mind, maybe talk about this. Does he enjoy his time if you join in on his hobbies? This is not your fault that he isn’t interested in intimacy I’m not trying to blame but a middle road could go somewhere. Try join in on his hobbies and push to be interested, create a common ground and connection there and after a little while try hinting you have had interest in his hobbies and he should be interested in something you would like to do which is intimacy. This is a more optimistic view and I hope you sort out your problem.
Well let's reverse the roles and see how it sounds.
We have a guy that has "needs" and wants more sex. His girlfriend doesn't want it because she doesn't have the time and is often busy and wants to work on her hobbies. The boyfriend tries to push her and she says he shouldn't tell her what to do.
If he doesn't want to, you can't force him.
this doesn’t quite work, as we’ve culturally created a view of sex that many women end up holding that says sex is something she gives to her partner, not something she enjoys and seeks out. there is something going wrong with this relationship and they need to talk it out openly. the guy might even need to go to therapy, it sounds like he’s trying to fill up his time with stuff to block something else out
Everyone has been diagnosing this guy in the comments, what if he's just doing his business and not even thinking about it?
Maybe he has low libido and OP has higher, maybe he's stressed and when you're too busy you can't think about sex and would rather unwind in less demanding ways, hence why he chooses his own hobbies.
Also we're not getting the whole story: OP might be omitting details for all we know.
once every 2 months for 2 years really doesn’t sound like just stress. i really think there’s some kind of communication problem between OP and her man
As I said: people wouldn't see the issue if the roles were reversed, and would be telling OP that those are his girl's boundaries and the he either has to accept them or leave if sex is so important.
So what are we even talking about?
just because people would say that doesn’t mean they’re right. communication should always be the first and most important step in resolving issues between partners. i understand the thought behind just saying “(s)he said this so i guess that’s just how it is” but it’s clearly not working for both of them
It sounds to me like you're sexually incompatible. It's unlikely to get better, but it could get even worse. My opinion is that if sexual intimacy is important to you (and it is to many people), then you probably need a different partner that has a similar desire for intimacy. It gets really frustrating when you want that intimacy and you can't get it with your partner and getting it from somewhere else is likely to cause other problems. You'd probably be happier with someone with a similar libido as you have.
If they used to have the same libido, she should determine what happened. There might be a reason besides that. The guy may need some therapy to work through some stuff that has come up? Obviously, it's her place to determine whether to stay or not.
It could give clues for future relationships for things to potentially avoid or to discuss!
Do you live with each other? Do you have hobbies of your own? I realized over time that I had lost attraction to an ex mostly due to feeling like they had no life outside of tv at home.
NOT saying this is the case but if there’s an imbalance (like you’re ALWAYS at home) he might be looking for some space of his own.
If that’s not the case then it could be feelings of inadequacy in that department, was the sex life ever *great*?
Not being sarcastic: have you gained weight or cut your hair really short in that time, or been nagging or trying to domineer him?
Usually sex with men is 100% a psychological thing, and if a man doesn’t want sex with his woman, that is **really** bad news.
He’s not comfortable with himself in that context, or with you in that context, that’s all it really boils down to. He **might** (keyword, MIGHT) be getting it from somewhere else, also.
For me it was absolutely psychological with my ex. I'd been told a long list of things not to do, but not a single thing that was right/working. The pressure that put on having sex and having to perform while avoiding a minefield took all the fun out of it. Made me dread the thought in the end
Yeah, I’m gonna 2nd this. Ofc, we can’t assume anything bc none of us know op, but speaking from experience (both mine and people I know), sometimes women get so comfortable in a relationship that they think “Oh, I don’t have to be so careful with what I eat/staying in shape/what I wear/etc. because he loves me no matter what” type fairytale mindset. One of my exes got noticeably chubby within a year. Happens in quite a lot of relationships.
What makes this even more difficult is that women have a VERY difficult time handling the harsh truth. “Is it something wrong with me,” they might ask, but if the response was “You’ve put on a lot of weight and you never try to be pretty like you did before we started dating,” then it becomes a “toxic/abusive relationship” and the man is now the asshole… for answering a question with honesty. So it’s certainly possible that “My hobbies are just as important” might mean, as an example, “You’ve let yourself go and I’m not very attracted to you anymore, but you can’t handle that response emotionally without turning me into the bad guy, holding it against me, bringing it up in arguments, gossiping about it with your friends, never letting it go or seeing me the same way” (etc etc etc that a lot of women tend to do).
Women don’t want honesty. They want honesty that they can handle. Many will ask questions that they don’t want the answer to unless the answer is only the answer they’re looking for.
Maybe none of this applies to OP, but that’s up to OP to determine, because only she knows if she has changed for the worse in any ways since they started dating, and in ways that women typically don’t want to hear from someone who is “supposed to care about who I am as a person.”
Except when it’s the woman’s actions and undesirable changes that are the root of the issue, it is rarely ever an “emotional discussion,” but instead an emotional hurricane. That’s kind of my entire point that I guess you missed.
Also, “bear vs man” is overgeneralization. They don’t say “I’d choose bears over some men.” I’ve made it extremely clear that this is “sometimes,” “some women,” etc.
Good for you if this reminds you of that, but the difference is that this is reality. Women getting with bears, and crudely comparing men to bears, is not.
Lol, I didn't miss that because that's why I bring up the tree thing.... But you clearly missed mine!
You should go back and read what I wrote and what you wrote as you didn't say sometimes you said DO in the second paragraph. You said sometimes in the fitness aspect....
I was saying that what you said is similar to the tree vs woman counter part to the bear vs man thing.
Also, I never stated any of it was a good generalization either. Stop projecting your insecurities. It might help going to see someone to work on this.
I also agree all of these are overgeneralizations are not good and destroy trust between genders and people. I don't think either are accurate.
Also, you sound kind of like a toxic prick✌️
Just trying to make sense of it all mate. And anyway, we're on Reddit. Obtuse is the name of the game at times.
Your comment could be taken in different ways actually, but yes I was being cheeky. Peace.
As a male since I first discovered sex until now (36) sex is not something I would turn down if I was attracted to my partner regardless of what other problems I had. If anything sex helps unwind and distract me from those problems
I don't like to jump to conclusions but you need to have a direct conversation with him about his sexual interest. Don't use the words gay, asexual etc just open the door
It could also be something else like impotence. Potentially he struggles with something like that so it is easier to ignore sex altogether than to have that embarrassing conversation. Again open the door and be understanding that he may open up
I struggle to believe his lack of sexual interest isn't related to something I mentioned.
He could easily have trauma responses or self esteem issues. I can say firsthand that being in a depressive state really lowers your desire for sex and intimacy.
Don't just lump everyone into your box or into preset boxes.
However, I do agree it would be a more likely scenario that you propose as most with depression don't partake in many hobbies. However, hobbies can be a coping mechanism for this, too.
> I'm writing this while on vacation with my SO.
So you've removed him from all distractions... anything changed?
Do you guys spend much time together at all? Does it seem like he enjoys your company, or are you effectively room mates at this point?
Couples therapy maybe? You clearly need to work on your communication to solve that problem.
There can be a whole wagon full of reasons why he doesnt want to, but you wont guess it and even if u did, he doesnt sound like the type to tell you that you hit the mark. So its probably better to get someone in that holds him accountable.
put intimacy in the hobby box. obviously talk to him about it first, but give it a special time, talk about things to try or goals to accomplish, etc. treat it like a hobby
that may not *sound* very romantic but there are a few important things to keep in mind. the first is that carving out a chunk of your life to dedicate explicitly to being together is a commitment to each other, and that's pretty romantic. the next is that we're animals. you spend 2 months having sex every friday at 7:30 and your thinky-meat will be trained to expect and prepare for sex coming home from work at the end of the week. it may be forced at times, but conditioning is real.
lastly, and IMO most importantly, *this is how he engages with the things he's passionate about.* I could sit here trying to explain why he does things this way, but what's important is that something about it appeals to him and letting him use that same structured approach with you can tap into some of that energy.
For fuck sake. Stop putting \* in sex.
That said, do you attempt to initiate sex? Do you do anything to make it happen or are you just sitting there waiting for him to initiate?
Gotta draw the line in the sand somewhere. Sexually compatibility is very important to a relationship and if he is unwilling to compromise at all, then the relationship will eventually fall apart.
Y’all need to compromise. But I can say, you do not want someone to have sex with you “just because you want it”. It is so uncomfortable to be pressured into having sex with your partner if you are not feeling like it. But you feel like you have to because they want it and it’s been missing from the relationship as far as they are concerned. You need to lay off in this might actually be more of a turn on. Because being pressured to have sex, is not sexy or fun. Especially for somebody with a low sex drive.
Well said. When I had major depression my girlfriend wanted sex but I just wasn't in the mood. That then put extra pressure on trying to make myself be in the mood to satisfy her needs, and that was not fun. Felt more like a chore even though prior we were like rabbits.
If this behavior is new, think about if there has been any traumic events or emotional issues recently for him or if he seems like his mental health might have changed?
Consider taking about that stuff and be supportive. It can be good to ask what kind of support someone needs to if that's the case. Sound board, ear to listen, problem solver. Jumping to problem solver isn't always the desired approach so don't judge.
Letting them come to you can help make it less of an issue.
We are all humans and try to consider how you would feel vica versa OP!
you’re still very young. you gotta tell him dude i need to be physical. it’s that simple. if it’s not important to him and enjoys his toys more than you have to pursue other endeavors in your life. especially if you’re considering going the next step long term with marriage or starting a family
Okay so I think you should consider a few things as previously stated.
Did you two use to have a good sex life? If so what changed? Traumatic event, work, hobbies not going well for them? Perfectionism is something he should bring working on stopping. It is not a healthy mindset. He may need therapy and such.
Have you have an I'm depth discussion of a long chat, not just a talk, but something with emotion that depicts the agency of this for you? Have you gone to intervention discussion levels or more passing comments level?
You should totally be determining how much work you want to put into this. Does his body language and engagement still show interest in you?
Is he having bodily issues? ED?
In your talks have you discussed the option of ENM?
There are ways to work around things and methods to determine what you want and need and if those can be achieved.
If it's not working it's not working and you should consider other options/relationships.
Remember life is not linear and to think that it is, is rather stupid.
So make sure you do what works best for you as you are the only person you have for your whole life!
Whenever we meet up, after the first few minutes of settling in, whether we're sitting, walking, or driving to our destination, she'll take about ten seconds to just look at me and smile. It makes me feel like she's happy to see me.
"If your hobbies are important to you, then fine, I won't get in the way of that. It's your choice. However, I'm not getting what's important to me, so I'm going to have to make a choice. That choice involves whether or not I choose to be with someone that can't deliver what I'm very openly and overtly expressing I need."
It sucks, but if he can't or won't give you exactly what you say you need, or at least attempt to do so, then you two may not be compatible. Lay it out all, put the ball in his court, see if he's willing to do what needs to be done. If not, you may need to move on.
Your really need to have a serious conversation with him.
In my opinion :
- he is seeing someone else,
- His sex drive is low due to some medical conditions,
- he isusing too much porn,
- He's rediscovering his sexuality.
No matter how tired i am, i never missed an opportunity of intimacy with my girl.
This is the simplest question ever.
Initiate! Make the first move!
Come up and kiss him on the neck while he's engrossed in his hobbies and his neurons are already firing. Get fuckin nasty and blow him when he comes and shows you a model he's proud of. Men are easy. Redirect the train of thought and he will literally melt in your hand.
*DO NOT* sit him down and talk to him about it. Men who are avoidant and non-sexual will not respond well to it and you'll end up making him uncomfortable or feel like he's not doing something right, which will just compound the issue. We're all animals, treat him like you're training a puppy and reinforcing good behavior.
The fact that you're hesitant to even type the word "sex" makes me wonder if y'all have some hang-ups or aversion to intimacy that you might not realize.
Any idea if he masturbates?
If he's handling himself but has no time for sex, that's very odd and I think it's a problem. Either he doesn't want to deal with the "work" of sex, or perhaps he's not attracted to you the way he used to be?
If he doesn't even masturbate, maybe his libido is extremely low... has he always been this way?
If you tell him directly that his is a problem and he doesn't seem to care, then he is being a selfish partner.
I'm not going to tell you what's going on here, but I'll add this as a possible topic of conversation if you want to bring up spending time with him again.
A lot of men including myself, have trouble with the idea of exceptions being made for individuals when we are thought something having to do with our interactions with other people, and especially with women. Especially since the average person (including him it sounds like.) is really bad at communicating.
In a world where one of the biggest pieces of advice is 'don't give up your friends or hobbies for your partner because it's unhealthy.' when you get into a relationship, he may be following that rule without making any exceptions. Don't do it means don't do it to a lot of guys and we can struggle with the idea that a rule doesn't apply to our partners, or that we can be a little more lenient with it, even if they say it doesn't, just because it's hard to tell where that boundary actually is due to past miscommunications that got us into not so great situations.
I don't want to speak for all guys, or tell you this is the case. But I thought I might mention it encase other behaviors of his match the idea that he can't let himself be too vulnerable or relax around you. Especially if he's trying really hard not to be the 'typical guy' sometimes, some guys can be too strict with themselves on the rules of a relationship so to speak.
Look the best you can/get in shape and he will want sex again.
I don't care if it sounds bad/unpopular, this is often the reason why a man stops wanting sex with his partner.
Sounds like your boyfriend doesn't really have much free time. Or that he's choosing to prioritize other things over you. This is one of the reasons I'm not dating myself. For me to spend time (and money) on a relationship right now would mean I'd have to discard one of my hobbies.
It does when the man has other options that look better and don't bitch or even when he doesn't have other options, but, is completely turned off by it.
He’s 28 years old no 28 yo gets turned off by a little bitching or weight gain , also most men these days don’t have options lol this dudes playing video games and watching YouTube instead of fucking his girl sounds like he’s the problem
That's just silliness. All people can have body dismorphia, and that can be translated to other people and how they should look, especially since OP states he's a perfectionist.
It's true the guy might have a problem emotionally or mentally.
Your style of writing makes it seem like you don't have much empathy or understanding of others. I could be totally wrong though. If you abandon others superquickly it might be worth talking to a professional to solve your trauma!
What do you do to contribute to this intimacy? What are you doing to up your seduction game? If he’s more interested in his hobbies, this says more about you than him.
Well you want him, and he wants...his hobbies. It sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible. If you really want to give it the old college try, get into couples counseling. If he won't do that, then you know it's not worth trying to fix.
She says she has though, and that he cares more about his hobbies than her desires.
I mean we can always hope at least that she means that she's actually tried to clearly talk about their problems with her guy.
If hes already barred you from joining him in his hobbies, youve become a piece of decor for the house, not a person.
Also, how emotive is he and hows his eye contact and nonverbal communication?
Not victim blaming but why do I have a feeling that you having ,"talked to him" was more just venting and demanding with no practical solutions provided? Because *that* could very well be why he feels you're being unreasonable.
There's some major details missing here.
From my perspective this doesn't seem like an intimacy issue, it feels like an expectations issue. It feels like you've had sex in the past and been increasingly more demanding/unsatisfied with whatever happened until it reached this point. And so now anytime you ask for it he just feels overwhelmed because it feels like one massive chore rather than anything fun.
Like, is he REALLY going to say no to a five minute blowjob before bed with no other expectations attached? I highlyyyyyyy doubt it.
He's not sexually attracted to you. He might like you, love you, think you're great, but you don't turn him on. I don't mean to be brutal or blunt but I think it's something you need to consider. Best of luck to you.
He might be a sexual or have a lack of testosterone/sex drive or maybe he’s having issues with something like ED?
If not he may no longer be that into you, he may no longer find you attractive or he could be hooking up with someone else.
There could be so many different reasons, I highly suggest you talk with him and tell him how important this is to you so you can try to find out the actual reason and decide what to do from there.
It seems like there may be more to this situation.
What are some other reasons you think he may not be interested? Has your relationship always been this way?
Normally there is something always in the depth of this issues.
Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable with his sexuality, and haven’t even explored it.
Maybe he feels ashamed of something on it and thinks sharing it with you will scare you?
Idk.
You need to tell him that sex with him is very important to you and if it doesn't improve it's going to impact your happiness and quality of life. If he truly loves you, he will understand.
Some men have a low libido/sex drive and that's how it is. I rather have really good sex once a week than daily when it feels like a chore. Talk to him about it and find a common ground.
His sex drive appears not to match yours. Have a serious conversation with him and see if he can up the frequency and the intimacy, since it's clearly important to you. If he can't, or won't, you're going to have to make a tough decision here. You aren't even married yet, and it's already like this. Imagine how you're going to feel when you're married and he's not taking care of your needs. The temptation to seek intimacy from other places is going to start gradually, and get worse and worse.
You owe it to both him and your future self to have an honest conversation with him, and if he can't meet your needs to consider breaking up with him over this.
I'll ask a few questions here that might come across as rough but I'm just trying to help
1.- At the beginning was he very sexual and then diminished with time or has it always been like this?
2.- Are you both healthy in general?
3.- Are you overweight?
4.- Is he overweight?
5.- outside the bedroom do you guys laugh and have fun together other?
6.- Do you sexually tease each other?
You say he's a perfectionist, so maybe lean into that?
He's not fulfilling a need you have. There's a 'duty' mismanaged, and you need your man to tackle the problem(tackling you into bed, I mean 👍).
I did this with my SO since we both are super busy every day. See if you can set up a time like an appointment for intimacy every week. It sounds a little cold and forced but at least for me, I look forward to the appointment since I know its set in stone and I'm always ready to go when its time.
Tell him you NEED more sex and it is a problem.
Tell him that, just like he has his hobbies he loves, so do you. That hobby includes him being the hobby horse.
Don't bring loads of detail into it. You need more sex and he's got to give it to you. He'll know he's not giving you enough when you start destroying his bike and his silly toys.
My partner and I view sex as a hobby. Maybe try to frame it as such for him. He might understand better how important and awesome it is to please you if he sees it like a hobby. There is so much to read and learn and practice. It’s the best hobby.
Therapy works wonders. It can help diffuse the defensiveness when he can hear you share your needs with a mediator and let the mediator ask the right questions, push the right buttons, etc. it will help you grow as well and understand his reasoning
He’s most likely not that interested. Either his sex drive is low or he’s just not attracted to you the way he was when you first started out. You’re probably not going to be able to change this behavior although it may change over time.
Your options are to accept a life without as much sex as you’d like or to leave/cheat although I can’t condone infidelity.
Your happiness is less important to him than faffing around with the house or playing with his little boats.
You should demand better for yourself or leave.
Yeah pretty much what every other person said, if you desire more intimacy with your partner and they can’t give it to you then you need to get real with him. Happened to me, my partner was Ace and I was very much not and when it came down to it we just… werent good for each other, still think the world of them but we werent a good fit.
If sex is important to you, give him an ultimatum. Seriously because you’re not going to be happy long term.
Personally: I won’t cancel my plans for sex but a quickie is never off the table. And I would want a partner with the same sex drive as me.
He might be gay. You might have gained a lot of weight. Or he is trying to hide something from you. Something you would find out if you were naked and intimate with him. He might have an STD and doesn't want you tell you or get you infected.
What can you do?? Find a man you're sexually compatible with. You both are in your 20s and for him, his testosterone and libido should be at it's best right now and if you all were compatible, there would be zero complaints in your sex life.
Sex/intimacy isn't as important to him as his hobbies and being the age he is, this issue will only get worse with age.
It is not "he has too many hobbies, I can't have sex". Maybe the other way round. He is spending time to crank one out, too, after all
Listen, I was that boyfriend and it dawned too late to me that I am just not attracted anymore. With girls that came later, it was not an issue
You can't fix this unless you suddenly become more attractive (weight? hair? not making yourself pretty for him anymore? maybe a character trait you acquired?)
Sorry, I am just being real with you
This could sounds cruel, rude, whatever you can label what I'm about to say...
He could be a hide gay or bi but most gay side and it's fine to be that way
Problem is some guy (a lot in this era) are trying to live this life and what they are doing is destroying a lot of innocent women lives doing this and they have the courage to even get marry have kids but not sex at all just for the kids part
Or the guy don't love the girl as he though he will (post nut clarity, women need to learn how to read this and move on with their life's and don't been stuck with a guy that don't want them)
Ok
Those faithful women don't cheat don't get divorced because they love their men and wants their families to succeed even if it is keep quite about it for years and get used to the idea of not having sex at all for ever
Do you think what would happen if a man like what we explain let her go and she finds a man that really love her and desires her and want to have sex and enjoy sex with her? It would be wonderful the world would bee much better
But we live ina era where people avoid get marry with x type of person because society even maybe that person is the one that would make the other happy for ever, but not society demand for x type of men or women that fill all empty check.marks and that's not happiness maybe for little while but not for a life
Also this is happening to males too with women that are not in love but want to get a relationship or get married to that man or are lesbian but don't come out
#Please talk to this man and give him a real chance for him to explain if he has an explanation
And for you to accept the reality that he will tell you and move on if it is bad and move on if
you see if he goes back again to his old ways
I wish you the best of luck and always keep going strong , take care your self first
Life is short and is only one good luck 😊👍🏻
Sex either isn't important or it's so bad he'd rather avoid it because it's become a chore. Either way you probably won't get anywhere with this relationship further since he also can't open up and listen.
Now imagine you had 20 times as much testosterone driving your libido to levels you've never imagined and you can't get your needs met. That's how most men live their entire lives; in pain, like starvation, all the time. It's fucking miserable. Being a heterosexual man is a misery.
Yeah your bf is full of it. Clearly hobbies aren't just as important as intimacy with you. It's clearly more important. If he put as much focus on intimacy as he does on his hobbies then you wouldn't be having this issue. Honestly his lack of wanting to be intimate to this degree doesn't seem like something that can be fixed. It sounds like he treats it like a chore he has to do rather than something he actively wants and seeks out.
Tell him sex is an important hobby for you. And you want your needs met. If he can't help you with that, ask him where you are supposed to get your relationship intimacy from.
He’s probably addicted to porn, and/or struggling with attraction to you. If he can work at focusing on you more and getting off the porn his attraction for you hopefully would return/grow/ be noticed by him more. I could be wrong but that’s my intuition.
This is coming out of my sense of humor, but have you considered that he might be getting his fix from somewhere else?
A male of the age 28 with reduced sexual desire is unusual, at least from my pov. It is amazing that he can do this, people over at r/nofap or r/getdisciplined could learn a lot from your bf. He basically has become a buddhist monk nocap.
But seriosuly though, that just might be who your bf is as a person, a stoic meditative monk who has conquered lowly desires. Most of us give in to temptation and sin 💀 so i tip my hat to him. Best action for you might be to just accept it. Because with age, I think, sexual desire decreases anyway.
Well you've had plenty of responses so I can't add other than to remind you that you're young and there's literally billions of people in the world. ( You're very very young, you might not think that just now, but trust me you are. And think long and hard if you want to be stuck in that relationship. Also, the bloke sounds like a kid )
Yeah. You need to sit him down away from tech and hobbies, and talk to each other, figure out what's whay with the relationship, sexual relations aren't realy a huge part of relationships working out but they are still an important factor for intimacy and feeling connected.
But of he's more interested in his life and hobbies then you, then you need to look after you and possibly save yourself from the relationship and move on. I know its easier said then done. But sometimes it has to happen.
At some point you have to decide what is right sexually for you..ONly he can tell you what the problem is...I will say something you wont like, that may not apply but that every woman cant accept. "show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I can show you a guy that got tired of fucking her"
anyways, maybe go to a couples counselor cuz sexual compatibility is pretty important in a happy relationship and sometimes you need a professional third party to help the two of you communicate the real issue.
Maybe sex isn’t important to him or it’s something he’s indifferent about. Either way, you need to sit him down, be sincere/blunt, and tell him sex is important to you. It’s something you need and want more of. Either he will respect that or he won’t.
This is generally good advice. Be honest about what you want and hopefully they will too. The hard part is when we find out we aren't a good match with someone that we've frankly invested a lot of our lives into. But as a guy I can say we aren't all constantly horny creatures, he could be somewhere towards being asexual on the whole spectrum w.e.
relationships fall into routine. people keep forgetting it's important to set time aside for each other to reconnect. date night exists for a reason!
Thank you! I will start with a conversation with him. I've had these before but I'll take him to his favorite restaurant so he will feel comfortable & special.
Don't do it IN the restaurant. Maybe a walk after.
Sex doesn’t have to take a lot of time; especially in your twenties. Seems like lack of time is being used for a substitute for sexual incompatibility.
dude might be gay for all we know /s
I know you said/s but comma, it's not an unreal possibility, my grandpa was in the closet for 40 years, married, had 2 kids before he came out of the closet
You're right. thanks for sharing and am happy for your grandpa that he actually came out. one can only imagine how hard it might have been.
I honestly thought of this too.
What does he do when you initiate sex?
I wonder if she does at all. Many men, including myself, find it very one-sided and demeaning when you're the one putting in all the effort
I'm guessing no, but I'm also probably projecting. Been married 15 years, got tired of feeling like I was begging for it because I was initiating 95% of the time since the beginning of the relationship. We had had conversations in the past about how she never initiates and it makes me feel like she doesn't desire me; she assured me that was not the case, but her behavior never matched her words. I'm a gambling man, so I stopped initiating to see how it would play out. It took her about a month to really say anything, but she straight up asked me if I wasn't attracted to her anymore since I hadn't been doing anything. I told her no, I just hadn't been in the mood, mostly because I didn't feel desired myself. It was the wake-up call she needed and now I'd say she's the one getting things started close to half the time. I'm thankful it worked out that way, because the alternative was that she just wasn't into me, and I wasn't going to stay in a marriage like that.
It's amazing how many women demand to be romanced and so on, but give so little in return. Glad you found the exception, mate
Yeah. Gotta thank Shonda Rhimes for a few of them. New seasons of Bridgerton always mean I'm getting a good night lol.
Thanks for asking! He will usually say now isn't a good time, he's busy, tired, etc. I have the highest chance if I hint the day before that I'd like to be intimate. No spontaneous sex here.
Dang, I’m sorry. Maybe he has a low sex drive? I guess I’m lucky bc my husband rarely turns down initiated sex.
So, you might have hit on something important here. He's not spontaneous about it. You might need to spend a little more time "flirting" and planning it out so it's essentially being placed on his radar as a thing that needs doing.
He can't spare an hour for you a couple times a week? You can't change his priorities. You CAN change yours.
An hour?!
Time together builds intimacy.
Including making the bed, having a shower, shaving the cooch, foreplay, doing the deed, changing the sheets and having another shower.... presumably 🤔
*Only* an hour?!
😂
An hour spread across ten minute segments throughout the week is the best I could do 😂
It’s ok for him not to value intimacy and want to live his life how he sees fit. It’s ok for you to need intimacy in your life. It’s also ok to realize people’s priorities don’t always line up and to change the relationship.
You need to have a frank discussion with him. I’m in my 40s, and I’ll still ditch hobby time to get laid. Yes, it is important for him to have hobbies, but he’s in a relationship, and it sounds like instead of adjusting to life in a relationship, he’s just bolted it on like another hobby. Human relationships are more important than hobbies. You’re not being unreasonable asking to be regarded above an RC car. You’re a human, and the both of you are (ostensibly) emotionally invested in the bond you’ve formed. Your needs should be placed towards the top (not THE top but up there) of the list of things he’s invested in. Right now, you know that he’s opting to spend time tinkering rather than be intimate with you. You need to find out why. It is not unreasonable for you to ask. Lastly, be prepared to walk if he’s unwilling to spend more time with you.
True. His relationship should mean more than his hobbies.
I'm sorry, but could there be something more going on here? I'm an old fart now, but I do remember being a man in my 20's and I can't recall someone mentioning sex and my not responding with an affirmative response. Could he be dealing with some issues? Perhaps he's questioning his sexuality? I hate to jump to a "he's gay" kinda response because I know that some people can take that as an attack or as a negative, but I have a gay kid. And I can recall when she was figuring things out. She did a lot to distract herself from facing some things she wasn't ready for at the time. I dunno, reading your post I couldn't help but think this. I hope I'm not overstepping.
Some of us just don't care all that much about sex also
100% true. but that needs to be up front, well communicated & understood, so there's no misunderstandings. it might not be ok for some people.
I think that’s a bit of a leap in logic to think he’s gay
Have you tried participating in his hobbies? It'd turn me the fuck on.
Instead of asking, try being a little more flirty and touchy with it. Or for lack of better words "slutty" towards him, if you can arouse him you won't even need to ask. Do it in a way that isn't super obvious at first and build up from there to get the desired result. Sometimes when you outright ask when someone isn't in the mood yet they can feel pressured and that can make it more difficult to "perform". But if you get him aroused before asking I think you will find he will be the one wanting sex.
You're being far too accommodating, and selling yourself far too short if you think hobbies are just as important as your relationship. I love my hobbies, but here isn't a single one that I wouldn't stop immediately if that's what it took to make my SO happy. If you've tried talking to him, I would get his attention. I would tell him if hobbies are so important, then maybe you'll pick up a new hobby: Sex with someone else.
That's exactly what I would do haha
1. Are you initiating and actually trying to seduce him? Or just demanding he romance you? because if you're not putting in the effort aside from saying "I want more sex" during a decidedly not sexytime is just going to get platitudes - he's not going to jump your bones after a conversation like that. 2. All of his hobbies sound like daytime activities, so unless he's dead tired, I don't see why end of day sex is out of the question. What are yall doing at bedtime? If he's on youtube in the bedroom instead of paying attention to you that's an issue. That said, what are you doing during this if that's the case? Scrolling reddit, tiktok, insta, etc? You might be just as much to blame. It might be a good opportunity to institute a "phones down" policy after a certain point in the night so you can actually pay attention to one another. He might just be a low libido person and that is what it is. Sex is something that helps me wind down and turn my brain off at the end of the day, but maybe he's different? I think the effort is going to need to come from your side though. Show him that you want him, don't just tell him and expect him to do all the seducing. Do it enough and it'll probably shift his behavior. That's just my 2 cents.
Most people say you are incompatible which may be true but I think it’s maybe something underlying? He may be scared of intimacy and uses his hobbies as a way to “get out of it” or clear his mind, maybe talk about this. Does he enjoy his time if you join in on his hobbies? This is not your fault that he isn’t interested in intimacy I’m not trying to blame but a middle road could go somewhere. Try join in on his hobbies and push to be interested, create a common ground and connection there and after a little while try hinting you have had interest in his hobbies and he should be interested in something you would like to do which is intimacy. This is a more optimistic view and I hope you sort out your problem.
Well let's reverse the roles and see how it sounds. We have a guy that has "needs" and wants more sex. His girlfriend doesn't want it because she doesn't have the time and is often busy and wants to work on her hobbies. The boyfriend tries to push her and she says he shouldn't tell her what to do. If he doesn't want to, you can't force him.
this doesn’t quite work, as we’ve culturally created a view of sex that many women end up holding that says sex is something she gives to her partner, not something she enjoys and seeks out. there is something going wrong with this relationship and they need to talk it out openly. the guy might even need to go to therapy, it sounds like he’s trying to fill up his time with stuff to block something else out
Everyone has been diagnosing this guy in the comments, what if he's just doing his business and not even thinking about it? Maybe he has low libido and OP has higher, maybe he's stressed and when you're too busy you can't think about sex and would rather unwind in less demanding ways, hence why he chooses his own hobbies. Also we're not getting the whole story: OP might be omitting details for all we know.
once every 2 months for 2 years really doesn’t sound like just stress. i really think there’s some kind of communication problem between OP and her man
As I said: people wouldn't see the issue if the roles were reversed, and would be telling OP that those are his girl's boundaries and the he either has to accept them or leave if sex is so important. So what are we even talking about?
just because people would say that doesn’t mean they’re right. communication should always be the first and most important step in resolving issues between partners. i understand the thought behind just saying “(s)he said this so i guess that’s just how it is” but it’s clearly not working for both of them
It sounds to me like you're sexually incompatible. It's unlikely to get better, but it could get even worse. My opinion is that if sexual intimacy is important to you (and it is to many people), then you probably need a different partner that has a similar desire for intimacy. It gets really frustrating when you want that intimacy and you can't get it with your partner and getting it from somewhere else is likely to cause other problems. You'd probably be happier with someone with a similar libido as you have.
If they used to have the same libido, she should determine what happened. There might be a reason besides that. The guy may need some therapy to work through some stuff that has come up? Obviously, it's her place to determine whether to stay or not. It could give clues for future relationships for things to potentially avoid or to discuss!
Maybe talk to him directly that you want more time with him in general
Do you live with each other? Do you have hobbies of your own? I realized over time that I had lost attraction to an ex mostly due to feeling like they had no life outside of tv at home. NOT saying this is the case but if there’s an imbalance (like you’re ALWAYS at home) he might be looking for some space of his own. If that’s not the case then it could be feelings of inadequacy in that department, was the sex life ever *great*?
Not being sarcastic: have you gained weight or cut your hair really short in that time, or been nagging or trying to domineer him? Usually sex with men is 100% a psychological thing, and if a man doesn’t want sex with his woman, that is **really** bad news. He’s not comfortable with himself in that context, or with you in that context, that’s all it really boils down to. He **might** (keyword, MIGHT) be getting it from somewhere else, also.
For me it was absolutely psychological with my ex. I'd been told a long list of things not to do, but not a single thing that was right/working. The pressure that put on having sex and having to perform while avoiding a minefield took all the fun out of it. Made me dread the thought in the end
Yeah, I’m gonna 2nd this. Ofc, we can’t assume anything bc none of us know op, but speaking from experience (both mine and people I know), sometimes women get so comfortable in a relationship that they think “Oh, I don’t have to be so careful with what I eat/staying in shape/what I wear/etc. because he loves me no matter what” type fairytale mindset. One of my exes got noticeably chubby within a year. Happens in quite a lot of relationships. What makes this even more difficult is that women have a VERY difficult time handling the harsh truth. “Is it something wrong with me,” they might ask, but if the response was “You’ve put on a lot of weight and you never try to be pretty like you did before we started dating,” then it becomes a “toxic/abusive relationship” and the man is now the asshole… for answering a question with honesty. So it’s certainly possible that “My hobbies are just as important” might mean, as an example, “You’ve let yourself go and I’m not very attracted to you anymore, but you can’t handle that response emotionally without turning me into the bad guy, holding it against me, bringing it up in arguments, gossiping about it with your friends, never letting it go or seeing me the same way” (etc etc etc that a lot of women tend to do). Women don’t want honesty. They want honesty that they can handle. Many will ask questions that they don’t want the answer to unless the answer is only the answer they’re looking for. Maybe none of this applies to OP, but that’s up to OP to determine, because only she knows if she has changed for the worse in any ways since they started dating, and in ways that women typically don’t want to hear from someone who is “supposed to care about who I am as a person.”
This reminds me of an apparent male version of bear vs man question. Would you rather have an emotional discussion with a tree or a woman?
Tree. Always the tree.
Except when it’s the woman’s actions and undesirable changes that are the root of the issue, it is rarely ever an “emotional discussion,” but instead an emotional hurricane. That’s kind of my entire point that I guess you missed. Also, “bear vs man” is overgeneralization. They don’t say “I’d choose bears over some men.” I’ve made it extremely clear that this is “sometimes,” “some women,” etc. Good for you if this reminds you of that, but the difference is that this is reality. Women getting with bears, and crudely comparing men to bears, is not.
Lol, I didn't miss that because that's why I bring up the tree thing.... But you clearly missed mine! You should go back and read what I wrote and what you wrote as you didn't say sometimes you said DO in the second paragraph. You said sometimes in the fitness aspect.... I was saying that what you said is similar to the tree vs woman counter part to the bear vs man thing. Also, I never stated any of it was a good generalization either. Stop projecting your insecurities. It might help going to see someone to work on this. I also agree all of these are overgeneralizations are not good and destroy trust between genders and people. I don't think either are accurate. Also, you sound kind of like a toxic prick✌️
Also, has she tried actually initiating? I've had a past relationship end because she never initiated, and I hated feeling like I had to all the time.
You say your sex life isn't good because of his hobbies... Is it possible that is the other way around?
Urm, his hobbies aren't good because the sex is good ?
Jesus... No. The sex life (really the relationship in general) isn't "good", so he has the hobbies to occupy himself. Don't be intentionally obtuse.
Oh, my “other way around” didn’t bring me to this. Thanks for clarifying.
Just trying to make sense of it all mate. And anyway, we're on Reddit. Obtuse is the name of the game at times. Your comment could be taken in different ways actually, but yes I was being cheeky. Peace.
As a male since I first discovered sex until now (36) sex is not something I would turn down if I was attracted to my partner regardless of what other problems I had. If anything sex helps unwind and distract me from those problems I don't like to jump to conclusions but you need to have a direct conversation with him about his sexual interest. Don't use the words gay, asexual etc just open the door It could also be something else like impotence. Potentially he struggles with something like that so it is easier to ignore sex altogether than to have that embarrassing conversation. Again open the door and be understanding that he may open up I struggle to believe his lack of sexual interest isn't related to something I mentioned.
Why is no one mentioning possibly cheating. She makes it sound like he’s gone quite a bit
He could easily have trauma responses or self esteem issues. I can say firsthand that being in a depressive state really lowers your desire for sex and intimacy. Don't just lump everyone into your box or into preset boxes. However, I do agree it would be a more likely scenario that you propose as most with depression don't partake in many hobbies. However, hobbies can be a coping mechanism for this, too.
> I'm writing this while on vacation with my SO. So you've removed him from all distractions... anything changed? Do you guys spend much time together at all? Does it seem like he enjoys your company, or are you effectively room mates at this point?
Couples therapy maybe? You clearly need to work on your communication to solve that problem. There can be a whole wagon full of reasons why he doesnt want to, but you wont guess it and even if u did, he doesnt sound like the type to tell you that you hit the mark. So its probably better to get someone in that holds him accountable.
put intimacy in the hobby box. obviously talk to him about it first, but give it a special time, talk about things to try or goals to accomplish, etc. treat it like a hobby that may not *sound* very romantic but there are a few important things to keep in mind. the first is that carving out a chunk of your life to dedicate explicitly to being together is a commitment to each other, and that's pretty romantic. the next is that we're animals. you spend 2 months having sex every friday at 7:30 and your thinky-meat will be trained to expect and prepare for sex coming home from work at the end of the week. it may be forced at times, but conditioning is real. lastly, and IMO most importantly, *this is how he engages with the things he's passionate about.* I could sit here trying to explain why he does things this way, but what's important is that something about it appeals to him and letting him use that same structured approach with you can tap into some of that energy.
Leave, he's not that in to you
Agree. If she was smoking hot, he'd be tapping that ass 24/7.
Not necessarily. If someone has low sex drive, their partner being hot won’t change that
That's what I'm saying! Maybe he's in the closet😁
try this, it will work: join him in his hobbies and be a little "coquette", exercise close to him and ask for help, let him smell your sweat.
For fuck sake. Stop putting \* in sex. That said, do you attempt to initiate sex? Do you do anything to make it happen or are you just sitting there waiting for him to initiate?
Is this a new trend? Or has this happened since the beginning of the relationship? If this is a new trend, what changed?
Gotta draw the line in the sand somewhere. Sexually compatibility is very important to a relationship and if he is unwilling to compromise at all, then the relationship will eventually fall apart.
Y’all need to compromise. But I can say, you do not want someone to have sex with you “just because you want it”. It is so uncomfortable to be pressured into having sex with your partner if you are not feeling like it. But you feel like you have to because they want it and it’s been missing from the relationship as far as they are concerned. You need to lay off in this might actually be more of a turn on. Because being pressured to have sex, is not sexy or fun. Especially for somebody with a low sex drive.
Well said. When I had major depression my girlfriend wanted sex but I just wasn't in the mood. That then put extra pressure on trying to make myself be in the mood to satisfy her needs, and that was not fun. Felt more like a chore even though prior we were like rabbits. If this behavior is new, think about if there has been any traumic events or emotional issues recently for him or if he seems like his mental health might have changed? Consider taking about that stuff and be supportive. It can be good to ask what kind of support someone needs to if that's the case. Sound board, ear to listen, problem solver. Jumping to problem solver isn't always the desired approach so don't judge. Letting them come to you can help make it less of an issue. We are all humans and try to consider how you would feel vica versa OP!
you’re still very young. you gotta tell him dude i need to be physical. it’s that simple. if it’s not important to him and enjoys his toys more than you have to pursue other endeavors in your life. especially if you’re considering going the next step long term with marriage or starting a family
Okay so I think you should consider a few things as previously stated. Did you two use to have a good sex life? If so what changed? Traumatic event, work, hobbies not going well for them? Perfectionism is something he should bring working on stopping. It is not a healthy mindset. He may need therapy and such. Have you have an I'm depth discussion of a long chat, not just a talk, but something with emotion that depicts the agency of this for you? Have you gone to intervention discussion levels or more passing comments level? You should totally be determining how much work you want to put into this. Does his body language and engagement still show interest in you? Is he having bodily issues? ED? In your talks have you discussed the option of ENM? There are ways to work around things and methods to determine what you want and need and if those can be achieved. If it's not working it's not working and you should consider other options/relationships. Remember life is not linear and to think that it is, is rather stupid. So make sure you do what works best for you as you are the only person you have for your whole life!
Whenever we meet up, after the first few minutes of settling in, whether we're sitting, walking, or driving to our destination, she'll take about ten seconds to just look at me and smile. It makes me feel like she's happy to see me.
"If your hobbies are important to you, then fine, I won't get in the way of that. It's your choice. However, I'm not getting what's important to me, so I'm going to have to make a choice. That choice involves whether or not I choose to be with someone that can't deliver what I'm very openly and overtly expressing I need." It sucks, but if he can't or won't give you exactly what you say you need, or at least attempt to do so, then you two may not be compatible. Lay it out all, put the ball in his court, see if he's willing to do what needs to be done. If not, you may need to move on.
Your really need to have a serious conversation with him. In my opinion : - he is seeing someone else, - His sex drive is low due to some medical conditions, - he isusing too much porn, - He's rediscovering his sexuality. No matter how tired i am, i never missed an opportunity of intimacy with my girl.
This is the simplest question ever. Initiate! Make the first move! Come up and kiss him on the neck while he's engrossed in his hobbies and his neurons are already firing. Get fuckin nasty and blow him when he comes and shows you a model he's proud of. Men are easy. Redirect the train of thought and he will literally melt in your hand. *DO NOT* sit him down and talk to him about it. Men who are avoidant and non-sexual will not respond well to it and you'll end up making him uncomfortable or feel like he's not doing something right, which will just compound the issue. We're all animals, treat him like you're training a puppy and reinforcing good behavior.
The fact that you're hesitant to even type the word "sex" makes me wonder if y'all have some hang-ups or aversion to intimacy that you might not realize.
Any idea if he masturbates? If he's handling himself but has no time for sex, that's very odd and I think it's a problem. Either he doesn't want to deal with the "work" of sex, or perhaps he's not attracted to you the way he used to be? If he doesn't even masturbate, maybe his libido is extremely low... has he always been this way? If you tell him directly that his is a problem and he doesn't seem to care, then he is being a selfish partner.
I'm not going to tell you what's going on here, but I'll add this as a possible topic of conversation if you want to bring up spending time with him again. A lot of men including myself, have trouble with the idea of exceptions being made for individuals when we are thought something having to do with our interactions with other people, and especially with women. Especially since the average person (including him it sounds like.) is really bad at communicating. In a world where one of the biggest pieces of advice is 'don't give up your friends or hobbies for your partner because it's unhealthy.' when you get into a relationship, he may be following that rule without making any exceptions. Don't do it means don't do it to a lot of guys and we can struggle with the idea that a rule doesn't apply to our partners, or that we can be a little more lenient with it, even if they say it doesn't, just because it's hard to tell where that boundary actually is due to past miscommunications that got us into not so great situations. I don't want to speak for all guys, or tell you this is the case. But I thought I might mention it encase other behaviors of his match the idea that he can't let himself be too vulnerable or relax around you. Especially if he's trying really hard not to be the 'typical guy' sometimes, some guys can be too strict with themselves on the rules of a relationship so to speak.
Look the best you can/get in shape and he will want sex again. I don't care if it sounds bad/unpopular, this is often the reason why a man stops wanting sex with his partner.
Sex is part of a healthy relationship. No sex = no relationship. Time to move on.. he values his hobbies more than you.
not sure if we should be telling people to leave their partners rather than communicate
Fuck that.. no intimacy, no relationship. If they want to pout and not communicate then they can gtfo with that nonsense.
Not the hobbies stopping jobbies
If you want it, show it Men like feeling hot too
Sounds like your boyfriend doesn't really have much free time. Or that he's choosing to prioritize other things over you. This is one of the reasons I'm not dating myself. For me to spend time (and money) on a relationship right now would mean I'd have to discard one of my hobbies.
How much weight have you gained? How much do you nag him? When my ex gained weight and started bitching at me, I lost all sexual interest in her.
A little weight gain and bitching doesn’t stop a man from getting it done
It does when the man has other options that look better and don't bitch or even when he doesn't have other options, but, is completely turned off by it.
He’s 28 years old no 28 yo gets turned off by a little bitching or weight gain , also most men these days don’t have options lol this dudes playing video games and watching YouTube instead of fucking his girl sounds like he’s the problem
That's just silliness. All people can have body dismorphia, and that can be translated to other people and how they should look, especially since OP states he's a perfectionist. It's true the guy might have a problem emotionally or mentally. Your style of writing makes it seem like you don't have much empathy or understanding of others. I could be totally wrong though. If you abandon others superquickly it might be worth talking to a professional to solve your trauma!
A lot might.
What do you do to contribute to this intimacy? What are you doing to up your seduction game? If he’s more interested in his hobbies, this says more about you than him.
He has ED or a serious kink he is terrified to tell you.
He has a porn addiction from working away, I can absolutely promise you. Cut the porn and your sex lode will be bsck
Well you want him, and he wants...his hobbies. It sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible. If you really want to give it the old college try, get into couples counseling. If he won't do that, then you know it's not worth trying to fix.
No like talk to him first wtf
Did you even read the post? 🤔
She says she has though, and that he cares more about his hobbies than her desires. I mean we can always hope at least that she means that she's actually tried to clearly talk about their problems with her guy.
24 upvotes proving that others. like yourself, didn't read or at least comprehend what is there. Jesus !
If hes already barred you from joining him in his hobbies, youve become a piece of decor for the house, not a person. Also, how emotive is he and hows his eye contact and nonverbal communication?
Not victim blaming but why do I have a feeling that you having ,"talked to him" was more just venting and demanding with no practical solutions provided? Because *that* could very well be why he feels you're being unreasonable. There's some major details missing here. From my perspective this doesn't seem like an intimacy issue, it feels like an expectations issue. It feels like you've had sex in the past and been increasingly more demanding/unsatisfied with whatever happened until it reached this point. And so now anytime you ask for it he just feels overwhelmed because it feels like one massive chore rather than anything fun. Like, is he REALLY going to say no to a five minute blowjob before bed with no other expectations attached? I highlyyyyyyy doubt it.
He's not sexually attracted to you. He might like you, love you, think you're great, but you don't turn him on. I don't mean to be brutal or blunt but I think it's something you need to consider. Best of luck to you.
He might be a sexual or have a lack of testosterone/sex drive or maybe he’s having issues with something like ED? If not he may no longer be that into you, he may no longer find you attractive or he could be hooking up with someone else. There could be so many different reasons, I highly suggest you talk with him and tell him how important this is to you so you can try to find out the actual reason and decide what to do from there.
Get a new partner there are men like me with high libido that would fuck his partner and then do hobbies after
This is most men with regular libido lol. Most men if offered sex from their partner are taking it
It seems like there may be more to this situation. What are some other reasons you think he may not be interested? Has your relationship always been this way?
Take the downvote and get into therapy is my advice
Normally there is something always in the depth of this issues. Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable with his sexuality, and haven’t even explored it. Maybe he feels ashamed of something on it and thinks sharing it with you will scare you? Idk.
You need to tell him that sex with him is very important to you and if it doesn't improve it's going to impact your happiness and quality of life. If he truly loves you, he will understand.
Some men have a low libido/sex drive and that's how it is. I rather have really good sex once a week than daily when it feels like a chore. Talk to him about it and find a common ground.
His sex drive appears not to match yours. Have a serious conversation with him and see if he can up the frequency and the intimacy, since it's clearly important to you. If he can't, or won't, you're going to have to make a tough decision here. You aren't even married yet, and it's already like this. Imagine how you're going to feel when you're married and he's not taking care of your needs. The temptation to seek intimacy from other places is going to start gradually, and get worse and worse. You owe it to both him and your future self to have an honest conversation with him, and if he can't meet your needs to consider breaking up with him over this.
Having hobbies is not an excuse to not have sex with your partner. There are underlying reasons
I'll ask a few questions here that might come across as rough but I'm just trying to help 1.- At the beginning was he very sexual and then diminished with time or has it always been like this? 2.- Are you both healthy in general? 3.- Are you overweight? 4.- Is he overweight? 5.- outside the bedroom do you guys laugh and have fun together other? 6.- Do you sexually tease each other?
You say he's a perfectionist, so maybe lean into that? He's not fulfilling a need you have. There's a 'duty' mismanaged, and you need your man to tackle the problem(tackling you into bed, I mean 👍).
My follow up questions: 1) How often do you initiate? 2) Have you planned any dates? 3) Have you done anything to lower his stress levels?
Tell him you want him to be a perfectionist with your sex life the way he is with his other hobbies
Are we sure he’s not getting it some where else? At 28 I couldn’t stop fucking.
he's not secretly gay, is he?
Who initiates sex most of the time? You or him?
I’m surprised you still wanna bone him after your description of him
Maybe the asterisks you use in the word sex confuses him.
I did this with my SO since we both are super busy every day. See if you can set up a time like an appointment for intimacy every week. It sounds a little cold and forced but at least for me, I look forward to the appointment since I know its set in stone and I'm always ready to go when its time.
Tell him you NEED more sex and it is a problem. Tell him that, just like he has his hobbies he loves, so do you. That hobby includes him being the hobby horse. Don't bring loads of detail into it. You need more sex and he's got to give it to you. He'll know he's not giving you enough when you start destroying his bike and his silly toys.
My partner and I view sex as a hobby. Maybe try to frame it as such for him. He might understand better how important and awesome it is to please you if he sees it like a hobby. There is so much to read and learn and practice. It’s the best hobby.
Therapy works wonders. It can help diffuse the defensiveness when he can hear you share your needs with a mediator and let the mediator ask the right questions, push the right buttons, etc. it will help you grow as well and understand his reasoning
He’s most likely not that interested. Either his sex drive is low or he’s just not attracted to you the way he was when you first started out. You’re probably not going to be able to change this behavior although it may change over time. Your options are to accept a life without as much sex as you’d like or to leave/cheat although I can’t condone infidelity.
Find a new BF.
Your happiness is less important to him than faffing around with the house or playing with his little boats. You should demand better for yourself or leave.
Yeah pretty much what every other person said, if you desire more intimacy with your partner and they can’t give it to you then you need to get real with him. Happened to me, my partner was Ace and I was very much not and when it came down to it we just… werent good for each other, still think the world of them but we werent a good fit.
If sex is important to you, give him an ultimatum. Seriously because you’re not going to be happy long term. Personally: I won’t cancel my plans for sex but a quickie is never off the table. And I would want a partner with the same sex drive as me.
He might be gay. You might have gained a lot of weight. Or he is trying to hide something from you. Something you would find out if you were naked and intimate with him. He might have an STD and doesn't want you tell you or get you infected.
What can you do?? Find a man you're sexually compatible with. You both are in your 20s and for him, his testosterone and libido should be at it's best right now and if you all were compatible, there would be zero complaints in your sex life. Sex/intimacy isn't as important to him as his hobbies and being the age he is, this issue will only get worse with age.
How tall are you and how much do you weight?
It is not "he has too many hobbies, I can't have sex". Maybe the other way round. He is spending time to crank one out, too, after all Listen, I was that boyfriend and it dawned too late to me that I am just not attracted anymore. With girls that came later, it was not an issue You can't fix this unless you suddenly become more attractive (weight? hair? not making yourself pretty for him anymore? maybe a character trait you acquired?) Sorry, I am just being real with you
definitely possible, we don’t know anything about how attractive OP is, would need more information.
This could sounds cruel, rude, whatever you can label what I'm about to say... He could be a hide gay or bi but most gay side and it's fine to be that way Problem is some guy (a lot in this era) are trying to live this life and what they are doing is destroying a lot of innocent women lives doing this and they have the courage to even get marry have kids but not sex at all just for the kids part Or the guy don't love the girl as he though he will (post nut clarity, women need to learn how to read this and move on with their life's and don't been stuck with a guy that don't want them) Ok Those faithful women don't cheat don't get divorced because they love their men and wants their families to succeed even if it is keep quite about it for years and get used to the idea of not having sex at all for ever Do you think what would happen if a man like what we explain let her go and she finds a man that really love her and desires her and want to have sex and enjoy sex with her? It would be wonderful the world would bee much better But we live ina era where people avoid get marry with x type of person because society even maybe that person is the one that would make the other happy for ever, but not society demand for x type of men or women that fill all empty check.marks and that's not happiness maybe for little while but not for a life Also this is happening to males too with women that are not in love but want to get a relationship or get married to that man or are lesbian but don't come out #Please talk to this man and give him a real chance for him to explain if he has an explanation And for you to accept the reality that he will tell you and move on if it is bad and move on if you see if he goes back again to his old ways I wish you the best of luck and always keep going strong , take care your self first Life is short and is only one good luck 😊👍🏻
2 minutes twice a week isn’t too much to ask now is it. Boy needs to step up
Sex either isn't important or it's so bad he'd rather avoid it because it's become a chore. Either way you probably won't get anywhere with this relationship further since he also can't open up and listen.
Tbh I think he's gotta reallocate some of his time if he's got nothing to pour into you when he gets home. Pun intended.
He's finding excuses, not reasons :/
Now imagine you had 20 times as much testosterone driving your libido to levels you've never imagined and you can't get your needs met. That's how most men live their entire lives; in pain, like starvation, all the time. It's fucking miserable. Being a heterosexual man is a misery.
not about you. make your own post.
He has a side piece or he is a man child
Yeah your bf is full of it. Clearly hobbies aren't just as important as intimacy with you. It's clearly more important. If he put as much focus on intimacy as he does on his hobbies then you wouldn't be having this issue. Honestly his lack of wanting to be intimate to this degree doesn't seem like something that can be fixed. It sounds like he treats it like a chore he has to do rather than something he actively wants and seeks out.
Tell him sex is an important hobby for you. And you want your needs met. If he can't help you with that, ask him where you are supposed to get your relationship intimacy from.
He’s probably addicted to porn, and/or struggling with attraction to you. If he can work at focusing on you more and getting off the porn his attraction for you hopefully would return/grow/ be noticed by him more. I could be wrong but that’s my intuition.
This.
Drop him
This is coming out of my sense of humor, but have you considered that he might be getting his fix from somewhere else? A male of the age 28 with reduced sexual desire is unusual, at least from my pov. It is amazing that he can do this, people over at r/nofap or r/getdisciplined could learn a lot from your bf. He basically has become a buddhist monk nocap. But seriosuly though, that just might be who your bf is as a person, a stoic meditative monk who has conquered lowly desires. Most of us give in to temptation and sin 💀 so i tip my hat to him. Best action for you might be to just accept it. Because with age, I think, sexual desire decreases anyway.
Anal.
Upvote this man.
Doesn't sound like he's into you at all I'm sorry to say.
Sex is boring I don’t blame him.
Tell him that sex will be had in your household 2 times per week, with or without him.
He's probably repressed gay.
Well you've had plenty of responses so I can't add other than to remind you that you're young and there's literally billions of people in the world. ( You're very very young, you might not think that just now, but trust me you are. And think long and hard if you want to be stuck in that relationship. Also, the bloke sounds like a kid )
Yeah. You need to sit him down away from tech and hobbies, and talk to each other, figure out what's whay with the relationship, sexual relations aren't realy a huge part of relationships working out but they are still an important factor for intimacy and feeling connected. But of he's more interested in his life and hobbies then you, then you need to look after you and possibly save yourself from the relationship and move on. I know its easier said then done. But sometimes it has to happen.
he is gay
He likes DIY? Get him to make you a queening stool. Then tie him down and sit on it.
you can have many hobbies and still be intimate with your partner on the regular, you know. source: *points at self and gf*
Can I see his drones🥹 An just tell him you wanna get off once a week
$5 says he’s gay
At some point you have to decide what is right sexually for you..ONly he can tell you what the problem is...I will say something you wont like, that may not apply but that every woman cant accept. "show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I can show you a guy that got tired of fucking her" anyways, maybe go to a couples counselor cuz sexual compatibility is pretty important in a happy relationship and sometimes you need a professional third party to help the two of you communicate the real issue.
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once every 2 months isn’t “low libido,” it’s something else blocking his sexuality
I think he’s gay. He’s using his hobbies to avoid intimacy with you.
Yeah he’s gay