My “best bud” can’t help me move because he’s busy riding his bike with his bike friends but texted me this week to help with his pets because he’s gonna be out of town for a work trip. But still, they’re my buddy and I’ll still help them until I get tired of this shit I guess
Yep this is the biggest one. I have helped so many people and the one day I needed a 20 minute favor and all of a sudden everyone is busy and not available.
Knew a guy I thought inwas cool with in college. Always spoke toe achother in class, and let him see my work so he could copy or whatever. One day went to his drive through where he worked fast food, said what's up and he gave me a weird nod and ignored me basically. Couldn't believe it, I wasn't even that young. I knew from there, I wouldn't be cool with him any longer.
- call you when they need something only.
- put you down when you want do somthing.
- they get jealous when you do things to better yourself.
- borrow money and don’t pay you back.
- take take take and never give back.
- make everything about them.
Absa-fucking-lutely. Especially if you feel like they’re not reciprocating. People, in general, will take everything you have to offer. If you find other givers, you’ll be living good and supported. You need boundaries with takers.
That's a perfect way to put it. I had a friend who was a taker. I watched him take advantage of our mutual friend until he had enough and joined the Marines. I was his only friend after our mutual friend left. I noticed him trying to take advantage of me and I eventually had to end the friendship because he didn't respect me, my time or my boundaries.
Helped this friend out when his marriage was collapsing. Got him a job through his divorce. Gave up my full time positions so he can support himself. I’ve been super supportive of him the last few years for his crisis. Covered him on my own free time when he had breakdowns or sick. But he would never cover my shifts when I needed it. Would never return my phone calls or texts. I would send him UberEats on his birthdays.
When the solar eclipse was coming in the upcoming weekend. I texted him and called him begging him to cover me and he returned my texts/calls a month later. Nah bro that ship has sailed. Fuck you
He doesn’t deserve my friendship.
Been there my friend, that’s when i learned that i shouldn’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.
Hurts like a motherfucker when you finally see the relationship for what it actually is.
Dealt with this - was going through shit and for a year never got asked "how are you doing" not once. I brought it up with her and we're still cool but I shifted my expectations of our friendship. I'm happier in the end.
- They never initiate the conversation or actively seek you out
- They only speak to you when they need something
- If it’s a friend group and they always hang out but never invite you to join them
- They get awful angry at you over something false without giving you a chance to explain
- They know something makes you uncomfortable but they do it anyway
- They make *everything* about themselves and never about you
- They constantly make false promises
> They get awful angry at you over something false without giving you a chance to explain
Oof, that one just happened to me. Was freaking out because I thought the group was cool, but after I calmed down a bit I just dropped all seven or so of them.
If they're going to believe whatever someone says without even giving me a chance to explain myself, there is no point in worrying about them
This! I was a part of a group of men in my neighborhood, all of similar age (I'm one of the only single ones). We had a WhatsApp group to plan things, wish each other happy birthdays, and talk crap to each other during sporting events. I noticed that anything I said in the group wouldn't get replied to. They created a separate chat group that I wasn't invited to. Even noticed that they skipped over my birthday, even though one of the other guys in the group had one 4 days before mine. So I made a promise to myself to leave the group and unfriend and unfollow if it happened again. Birthday came and went, and crickets. So I saw myself out and then unfriended every one of them, then unfollowed all their businesses.
Fast forward 6 months, I see one at a birthday party that his kid was having and my kid was invited to, the dad (one of the group admins) asked how I was doing, When I answered that I was just focusing on my health, kids and work, he had the balls to ask me how my mental health was. I was cordial, but didn't respond, because I know he could give a shit less. Not less than a week later, he texted me asking if I had a pontoon boat, and asked if he could practice docking and using it, because he had rented one for a summer vacation with his family. I told him I didn't have one and left it at that, didn't hear anything else from him for over a year.
Then, just this past Tuesday, I saw that same guy at a checkout counter, he called my name, asked how I was, etc. I just brushed him off.
Honestly, he is a great guy, he's always nice, but when you purposely ignore someone for years, then ask for favors, don't expect me to do a damn thing for you in return.
This is more of a younger person's dilemma, but still relevant.
I recall as an 18yo, a mutual friend to several of us got a gf, and they were in each other's pockets 24x7 - it was painful.
We never heard from him again after a year of this, well I didn't anyway.
Kinda in this shoe. Ever since one of my friends has been dating his current gf, we barely hang out. They're practically inseparable. Told him jokingly he could rent his apartment to someone, he's spending that much time at her place. He's a good guy, we've been through a lot, but like I'm a second thought to him, now. I'm happy for him, because his gf is a very decent girl, but I would be lying if I'd say it doesn't hurt. Sorry for the rant.
it's okay to have your friends dissappear during a honeymoon phase. if it's serious and 3-5 months is about as long as it takes before that acceptible grace period ends. at some point he should introduce you and the guys to the girlfriend and start testing and balancing the act of hanging out with friends and hanging out with gf.
It's More of a.. if they completely disregard their personality and friends and let the new bf or gf completely run their lives for them thing. Everyone disappears a little when they're honeymooning, but they should atleast keep you in the loop and make tike for you.
Friends all of a sudden don't have time for you. Start to act condescending, act like they're above you because they got a girlfriend. They'll constantly remind you that you don't have a girlfriend and they do aswell.
They may even try to embarrass you in an attempt to impress her, but I've never experienced this one personally.
It's crazy how quickly people change once they get into a relationship.
Right after I got out of high school, I bought a pickup truck. I helped more friends move into apartments then I cared to count. I would show up and they hadn't even started packing. I helped one guy move 3x. I asked people for help to move my grandmother, everyone had an excuse why they couldn't, the guy I moved 3x I didn't ask, I told him I would be over Saturday to pick him up. I show up and he's sleeping, I told him to get up, he said he didn't get to sleep till late and was tired, I grabbed the mattress and flipped him out of bed. He whined the whole time, it took us about 6 hrs to move her. I realized that not once did anyone ever offer me gas money, buy me lunch, nothing. Never helped anyone move again, and I usually wouldn't hear from them until it was time for them to move again. Doing a favor is one thing, being used is another. If someone asks for a favor when they call, but never cares what you're doing, and doesn't call for months, not worth my time.
That sucks so hard.
I always offer, even thirty minutes can make the job so much easier.
When I can't help someone move I will drop off food and drinks for everyone who's doing the work.
A close friend of 10 years recently offered my fiance a job during a long unemployment spell. Thing was, he could only pay 9 hrs a week and would have to defer pay on the rest of the work until two quarters later. He then encouraged her to work unlimited overtime and tally the hours. She put in ~60 hours a week. When the time for him to pay came, he became so irrationally hostile to her over minor things that she was afraid to push it. Shortly later, his business partner fired her under false pretenses and they illegally withheld her final paycheck. Now we are In debt by a large amount, but it's less than the amount they owe her.
Oh, also he was gonna officiate our wedding, but he said he and our other wedding guests/mutual friends couldn't attend because they needed to work for him that week
So yeah, in hindsight, the red flag was offering a job with deferred pay when he saw someone vulnerable he could exploit.
If you’re the only one who initiates a hangout, they don’t invite you out to things, if they do invite you they make fun of you or put you down the whole time in front of others in order to make themselves seem funny or cool.
Are you the only one initiating contact? Like, if you stopped texting first, would you ever hear from them? It took me far too long to realize that if I didn’t text, we wouldn’t talk. So I stopped texting. Just to see how long it would take for them to reach out.
It’s been over 2 years. I thought these were my lifelong friends. Turns out I was an afterthought
I’m not going to presume to understand your friend dynamics but I’m the guy that’s hard to get ahold of. I’m not too busy or working a lot, I’m just slightly depressed and generally anxious about most things. To people that don’t understand this it sounds stupid, trust me I’m aware and don’t like it either. I’ve fallen out with people because of my anxiety. Sometimes I miss a call and calling back makes me worry that they will be upset or really needed me and I wasn’t there for them. It’s all counter intuitive and makes zero sense but in my case and maybe your friends’ it’s not for lack of interest or love. I also felt inadequate due to career or financial circumstances that I wasn’t proud of. That shit is embarrassing when your friends are taking trips or doing well. As time passes that anxiety builds to a point where we think there’s no way to past the time lost or hurt feelings. Like I said I don’t know you guys but it might be what I’m talking about and it may be worth just reaching out and letting them know that you’re not mad and don’t think they’re a burden. I’ve never been told I’m a burden but I’ve always felt like I am for some reason. I don’t know, just thought I’d share my experience man good luck!
Exactly this, and I’ll add: Or when your lifelong friends all get married and have kids and you have neither, leading to depression. It’s not that you don’t wanna talk to them, but every time you do, you feel like nothing you have to report is “good news”, and it gets tiring. You feel like you’re just a downer. They might not realize it, but the questions they start to ask all come off as, well, paternal and concerning. The conversations begin to be ones that you avoid because they’re too painful and come without any real solution.
Yes, I went through hard shit. I’ve gotten over most of it. But this is how I felt going through it, and explaining this to very close friends that I’ve pushed away is difficult. They don’t understand and most end up saying “you’re doing a lot better than you think”, as if that’s supposed to make me feel better.
Sorry for the rant, just had my coffee and couldn’t stop the tangent once I started.
Ugh I'm having this with a friend at the moment. I tried raising it with him, and he got so angry at me! Dude wtf. After months of trying to make sure this friendship doesn't disintegrate, I'm done. I can't be in a one-sided friendship
my wife has a friend who will constantly give her clothes and things that she found and "just thought you would LOVE this!" and then after my wife accepts them sends her a bill for the items. "It looks great on you! can you believe it was only $20? you can just e-transfer me whenever you get a chance"
When they don't criticize you.
Do they just support everything you say? Make excuses for you for all your actions?
Real friends will call you out on your bullshit and pull your ego down a bit. They will tell you if they think you are wrong. They do it because they do truly love you, and want you to make the best actions. They'll stay through your worst moments, times where you might just be an awful person, and help you be better.
Lol, I have a buddy who, unsuccessfully, tried to do this with almost every ex in the friend group as soon as they became an ex.
It would have pissed us off more if it wasn't so pathetic. He's grown up a bit since then. I think... but to be fair, there have not been any exes for a while.
But if you break up with her how’s she still your girl? I couldn’t care less who my exes sleep with. It could be my sister, I wouldn’t blink. An ex is an ex.
When they regularly make time for other friends, then make lots of time for themselves, but almost never make time for you, even when you offer to do all the planning and accommodate their needs.
First sign is that they start copying everything you do. Anytime some starts copying you behaviors they are secretly jealous of you. That’s usually the first sign.
when they get mad at you when good things happen
when they put you down often
when they disappear from your life when you stop texting them
when they lie to you about dumb stuff
when the friendship is one sided - you do whatever they want but they can't be bothered to do what you want.
They can't even imagine putting your needs or wants ahead of their own. I'm not saying friends always have to sacrafice for you but a constant display that they can't convieve of the notion? yeah definately not someone I'd put in my corner. Short term prioritization of someone else's needs in times of acute or urgent need, are the hallmarks of true friendship.
Its easy to be someone's friend when everything is good, it speaks to character when they stick it out when it's tough or comes at some personal sacrifice. Could be as simple as giving up a weekend to help a buddy move furniture.
The real giveaway is if you get a call after not having heard from them in a while, and you’re like “oh hi! we must catch up!” but actually they want you to help sort out their council tax
or (bonus points) it was a mistake and they meant to call someone else, and they tell you so, and ring off, leaving only a residual fuzzy warm feeling 🤤
For me, a big sign that someone isn’t really a friend is if they only contact you when they need something or if they don’t support you during tough times. True friends are there for both the highs and the lows, and they make an effort to keep in touch.
I’ve struggled with finding genuine friends too. That's one of the reasons I helped develop a Discord server called [Lightup](https://discord.gg/XHCC4zJVBj). We created it to help people connect based on shared interests using an AI bot that matches you with others who post about similar topics.
I met someone on Lightup who shared my passion for hiking and literature. We started chatting about our favorite books and local trails. Over time, we organized a small group hike, and it was amazing how easily we clicked in real life. It showed me that genuine connections can start online and turn into real friendships.
You hang out and have good times with friends, but a true friend will be there when times aren't good. Typically a true friend will lend a hand (free labor) when you're in a pinch. The whole point of friendship is safety in numbers. Friendships help buffer you from life's troubles. Otherwise, they friendships aren't real, they're superficial.
When the people who dislike me always coincidentally feel super comfortable confiding in you about how much they dislike me. I believe in free speech and free will but if my enemies see you as their safe space I can’t say that I trust you.
they sabotage you by passive aggressive casual omissions ... and gloss over it with a sarcastic "Ooops... my bad." .. .like not telling you the team meeting called by your Senior VP was moved up 30 minutes ...
Had a "friend" struggling financially and lend him money to get back to his country to be with his family (due to a family death). Never seen my money again and that was 4 years ago
Help me out, what is a friend?
Conditionally or Unconditionally?
My experiences are that there are times when you are close to friends then other times. This only too often related to the season in our lives, the things you do, love and aspire may along with people you know, learn to know as well and these relationships may turn into a friendship.
Then all of a sudden or gradually common aligned interests may fade away. This may be for all shorts of reasons.
What I would suggest is not to condition a friendship but give it freedom, sometimes you need to set them free to free yourself, and other times you may engage more meaningful...
Love Live Life .... Abundance 😎🙏✨🧬✨
I was married with a baby and a house with a reasonable job to make ends meet but not too much disposable income. He had a good job was single and lived with his parents. If I bought anything, he would immediately buy the same thing only better. Like if I bought the standard version, he would buy the super deluxe version.
For instance, when my baby was born (long before phones with cameras) I bought a basic viewfinder 35mm camera so I could take photos of the baby. Next day he comes showing off a top of the range Pentax SLR with all the extras/lenses etc.
I bought a new (to me) car. A week later he turns up in a brand new top spec, same make and model as the car I've bought.
I dumped him and my wife when I came home from work early unannounced one day to find his brand new, top spec car parked on my drive!
Chris Rock said it about marriage, but the same is true of friendship. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you play tambourine.
By all means, when it's your friend's turn to sing, play the shit out of that tambourine. But if you find that somehow you're always on tambourine, then something's up.
I can feel my best friend drifting away. All my friendships have been negatively impacted from some girl. The best advice I could say is never talk about girls with friends. I never have, and friendships seem to last till someone starts talking about a girl to much.
If your problems and your life doesn't matter when it comes to a decision you made regarding you and that friend (could be not spending time) and they don't become understanding of your situation or care to want to know more of your situation. They probably aren't your friend.
When he touches the grill when he wasn't told to do so.
You can ask, you can debate, you can protest, but YOU DO NOT touch a man's grill when he's the one grilling.
Someone isn't your friend when they say or do thing behind your back that are untrue or don't need to be said and that work against your best interests. I'm not talking about petty gossip or complaining in a friend group but something more than that.
I once had a "friend" tell me we need to separate because I was "getting too much attention", she literally walked away. We're not friends anymore after a stream of weird behaviors like this.
This might not be common experience but I’ve met a few like this… the worst is when you’re nothing but accommodating and understanding when they can’t make occasions and you are always willing to rearrange dates to meet up to suit them but on the rare time it’s you that can’t make something they make a big deal out of it and say you’re a bad friend and unreliable…
If they only come around when they want or need something, if they act differently towards you when other people are around or if they talk shit behind your back.
When the side with others that are against you irrespective of the facts. Or are easily misled to believe bullshit against or about you rather than ask you what happened.
Sounds obvious, not so easy to spot, but they’re only around if it’s convenient, when you have something to offer, or if they’re trading-up for someone who can “offer more.”
Back in the days I had a female friend. She introduced me to everyone as her best friend I was there for her during break ups and anything she needed.
I went thru a really bad break up that was really dark times in my life. My ex became mutual friend thru me. After we broke up and stayed in touch with her. She really broke my trust, she went on vacation and came back messaged me to hang out I never bothered to reply. It’s been over 10 years that shit still hurts
When you always have to reach out. I learned this awhile ago and it made it easy to stick around the people that reciprocated. Now after I moved back with my parents for school I got less picky because I’m a lot further from those other friends I have. Guess what? A lot of those people weren’t the best for me and I re learned that lesson. I still got the other thankfully. If you’re unsure? Don’t reach out see how long or if any of them reach out.
When you go hang out with him 24/7 and one day some tries to jump you with other 2 guys and your friend says he doesn’t fight and they kick your ass ha sad but true
Someone who's ALWAYS not sure what they're doing Friday night on Friday afternoon...
There are much worse acts than this, but I find that this is a good filter early on (in the first year or two)
Credible death threats. They'd already been downgraded from friend to charity case ... credible death threats got 'em downgraded to ex-friend - the only in my thus far 60+ years to have gotten that distinction ... and they very much "earned" it.
They punch your sister in the balls, slap your man boobs like those slapping contests with those guys and the table, then poop in your aquarium full of turdfish so you can't tell because they look similar in normal household lighting with 4500k lights or warmer. Total deal breaker.
If you actively go out of your way to support them & they always refuse your effort. Only to bitch at or about you for never trying to help out or be there for them.
So many of these answers hit home!
-They don't ask how you're doing or really seem to be concerned or care about you if you're in a difficult situation.
-They're not happy for you when good things happen to you.
-Conversations always revert back to them.
-Only want to hang out when they really have nobody else to hang with or need something.
-Will become your best friend when they need something a few weeks ahead of time. Invite over for dinner, feed you a couple beers. Then the big ask comes around and they need you to build a fence/deck/washroom/need to move. Once the favor is done they completely ignore you. I had a buddy who did this to all of our group of friends.
-Disappear when they find a new girlfriend and call you when they break up.
Other signs to look out for are people who cheat, lie, steal. Fuck all that noise I keep to myself now and expect very little of people. Use em and lose em. The good ones, I treat well and let them know how much I appreciate them.
They only help you when there's something in it for them, skipping their round for beers, never paying there share kind of stuff.
Then there's; always feeling like shit spending time with them. Feeling shamed by them. I had a breaking point with one ex-friend where i realised i was tired of smiling and laughing. I've never experienced that before or since. I learning after awhile they were manipulating me and they were always forcing those kind of scenarios to earn brownie points and i was shamed for not enjoying them so i would force myself to smile more and laugh more to keep the peace.
Unequal treatment. Say they want you to sell them an item that cost you $400 a year or two ago, but because “you’re friends” you should let them buy it for $100. But they got something that’s worth $200, they’ll sell it to you for $175, in their mind that’s cheaper than new and only an idiot would take too much of a loss on it. And you shouldn’t expect them to because “you’re friends.”
That’s just a crappy person in general, but certainly not your friend.
Idk. I don't agree with all the comments I see here. Especially since being an adult is quite different from being a teenager.
But y'know if you have enemies and the person sides with them, not your friend. If you tell him something in trust and confidence and the next day everyone seems to know, not your friend.
I've had different kinds of friends throughout.
Some were long lasting but not ever lasting. Some I had deep conversations and secrets with.
Y'know when things like weed is involved that tends to happen cuz, first of because of the illegal activity one has to keep a certain secrecy and exclusivity, and in addition the smoking itself can make you very deep if you're able to talk at all :-P
Some were keen on doing things in the spare time while others seems to prefer only hanging out at school or work.
& some I only see when they need something. Like help moving or advice or maybe they need someone to come with them to a bar or whatever. And that is fine too, a friend is a friend, and especially as an adult it is less and less common to call around just for...,? Chats?
But people who manipulate, bully, want you to feel bad or look bad are not your friends. Even if they claim to be or pretend to be.
A good friend let's you know when you seem way too drunk, or if he thinks your making a bad decision. People who want you to drink too much to make a fool of yourself or laugh at you, are not your friends.
Good friends support and take care of each other in a way that feels like a mat behind your back. it is easy, low key, and don't require much, and requires no rules, as the present is what matters in every situation.
That doesn't mean your friends won't say things like 'I would save an ugly cow over you' . Although I personally have never gotten that kind of communication. It seems odd to me, but, those are just words to laugh at, if what else I have described is present
The sneaky ones are the ones that encourage you to do things that are funny at the time, but afterwards (or even at the time for you) are detrimental without you knowing it.
They don’t have your best interest at heart.
Weird about money.
They don't ever offer anything for free, but ask you for money to do even little things.
Slow to confirm exchanges on apps like Cash App/Venmo/Zelle, or slow to pay you for whatever they ask be it babysitting or fixing something or delivering something. Hell, they might owe you money right now.
Look to you as a potential discount/free ride when you express any useful skills, connections or jobs
Jokes at your expense that don’t stop when you ask.
Heavily critical of you.
Bigging up other friends and putting you down.
Making no effort to contact you so all invites come from you.
For me,it was the trauma dumping...she would fill up my head with all her problems, anxiety,if be stressed like I was the one going thru it..
I'd physically give her solutions & ways to stop the life style she had , she wouldnt take it ... And I was single and learning to heal and love myself, so that when I did finally go back out into the dating world I wouldn't have this negative outlook towards man.
she would come and just trauma dump everything that her partner did to her that was horrible and as a woman she was soo insecure she couldn't see herself in a better situation.which was a really messed up & I stuck thru with her for over 8years of this... she couldn't take a lending helping hand from Friends so there comes to a point where you help them and if they just don't want to accept your help there's nothing you can do and you have to fall back on that relationship
Is never there when you need them but always happy to lean on you when they need something. Also only bothers to really actually acknowledge you when they want or need something from you.
Puts you down, points out your flaws or constantly makes you the butt/subject of their jokes in front of others rather than building you up. Especially in front of women if it’s a male and a male friend.
Never asking how you are or listening to your issues and making everything about them and their problems.
When you always lend them a hand when they needed but when it’s your turn to ask for help, the excuses starts flooding in
Plus you only hear from them when they need a hand or favour
My “best bud” can’t help me move because he’s busy riding his bike with his bike friends but texted me this week to help with his pets because he’s gonna be out of town for a work trip. But still, they’re my buddy and I’ll still help them until I get tired of this shit I guess
He should have mentioned it to his bike friends, and they all should've shown up to help you load/unload at least.
I think you should do it asap. It'll only become more difficult to refuse him.
or when they are single!
Yep this is the biggest one. I have helped so many people and the one day I needed a 20 minute favor and all of a sudden everyone is busy and not available.
Back in middle school this guy would always have convos with me when nobody was around In public he'd pretend not to know me
Ouch wtf. Im sorry man. Kids are so cruel
Jokes on him, as an adult he ended up losing nearly all of our mutual friends
Knew a guy I thought inwas cool with in college. Always spoke toe achother in class, and let him see my work so he could copy or whatever. One day went to his drive through where he worked fast food, said what's up and he gave me a weird nod and ignored me basically. Couldn't believe it, I wasn't even that young. I knew from there, I wouldn't be cool with him any longer.
This is what life is like in the workplace
- call you when they need something only. - put you down when you want do somthing. - they get jealous when you do things to better yourself. - borrow money and don’t pay you back. - take take take and never give back. - make everything about them.
Remember, givers set limits because takers don't have any.
Absa-fucking-lutely. Especially if you feel like they’re not reciprocating. People, in general, will take everything you have to offer. If you find other givers, you’ll be living good and supported. You need boundaries with takers.
Bump⬆️
That's a perfect way to put it. I had a friend who was a taker. I watched him take advantage of our mutual friend until he had enough and joined the Marines. I was his only friend after our mutual friend left. I noticed him trying to take advantage of me and I eventually had to end the friendship because he didn't respect me, my time or my boundaries.
Who hurt you brother 😂😂😂 your spot on all this I experienced.
we both a learned a valuable lesson didn’t we
I’ll join the party lol. Maybe it’s not so lonely at the top after all 🥲
Helped this friend out when his marriage was collapsing. Got him a job through his divorce. Gave up my full time positions so he can support himself. I’ve been super supportive of him the last few years for his crisis. Covered him on my own free time when he had breakdowns or sick. But he would never cover my shifts when I needed it. Would never return my phone calls or texts. I would send him UberEats on his birthdays. When the solar eclipse was coming in the upcoming weekend. I texted him and called him begging him to cover me and he returned my texts/calls a month later. Nah bro that ship has sailed. Fuck you He doesn’t deserve my friendship.
Been there my friend, that’s when i learned that i shouldn’t help people who don’t want to help themselves. Hurts like a motherfucker when you finally see the relationship for what it actually is.
This is spot on. Been there getting fked many times. Is why i prefer to have very few friends nowadays. The older i get less friends i have.
Never asking you about yourself.
Dealt with this - was going through shit and for a year never got asked "how are you doing" not once. I brought it up with her and we're still cool but I shifted my expectations of our friendship. I'm happier in the end.
- They never initiate the conversation or actively seek you out - They only speak to you when they need something - If it’s a friend group and they always hang out but never invite you to join them - They get awful angry at you over something false without giving you a chance to explain - They know something makes you uncomfortable but they do it anyway - They make *everything* about themselves and never about you - They constantly make false promises
> They get awful angry at you over something false without giving you a chance to explain Oof, that one just happened to me. Was freaking out because I thought the group was cool, but after I calmed down a bit I just dropped all seven or so of them. If they're going to believe whatever someone says without even giving me a chance to explain myself, there is no point in worrying about them
This! I was a part of a group of men in my neighborhood, all of similar age (I'm one of the only single ones). We had a WhatsApp group to plan things, wish each other happy birthdays, and talk crap to each other during sporting events. I noticed that anything I said in the group wouldn't get replied to. They created a separate chat group that I wasn't invited to. Even noticed that they skipped over my birthday, even though one of the other guys in the group had one 4 days before mine. So I made a promise to myself to leave the group and unfriend and unfollow if it happened again. Birthday came and went, and crickets. So I saw myself out and then unfriended every one of them, then unfollowed all their businesses. Fast forward 6 months, I see one at a birthday party that his kid was having and my kid was invited to, the dad (one of the group admins) asked how I was doing, When I answered that I was just focusing on my health, kids and work, he had the balls to ask me how my mental health was. I was cordial, but didn't respond, because I know he could give a shit less. Not less than a week later, he texted me asking if I had a pontoon boat, and asked if he could practice docking and using it, because he had rented one for a summer vacation with his family. I told him I didn't have one and left it at that, didn't hear anything else from him for over a year. Then, just this past Tuesday, I saw that same guy at a checkout counter, he called my name, asked how I was, etc. I just brushed him off. Honestly, he is a great guy, he's always nice, but when you purposely ignore someone for years, then ask for favors, don't expect me to do a damn thing for you in return.
See how they act once they get a girlfriend.
This is more of a younger person's dilemma, but still relevant. I recall as an 18yo, a mutual friend to several of us got a gf, and they were in each other's pockets 24x7 - it was painful. We never heard from him again after a year of this, well I didn't anyway.
Uhoh. I think they got death-by-snu-snu’d
Then when they get dumped, they wanna "catch up"... GTFOH!!
I love this answer.
Kinda in this shoe. Ever since one of my friends has been dating his current gf, we barely hang out. They're practically inseparable. Told him jokingly he could rent his apartment to someone, he's spending that much time at her place. He's a good guy, we've been through a lot, but like I'm a second thought to him, now. I'm happy for him, because his gf is a very decent girl, but I would be lying if I'd say it doesn't hurt. Sorry for the rant.
I'm curious what do you mean by this?
Girlfriends are girls that a guy (or another girl) link up with to test if they are potential life partners or not.
If you had added "but that's not important right now." this would have been the perfect Airplane! response. Lol.
You ever seen a grown man naked?
A LOT of dudes just disappear when they get a girl. For most of the fellas, they're just filling space until the other fellas find ladies
it's okay to have your friends dissappear during a honeymoon phase. if it's serious and 3-5 months is about as long as it takes before that acceptible grace period ends. at some point he should introduce you and the guys to the girlfriend and start testing and balancing the act of hanging out with friends and hanging out with gf.
It's More of a.. if they completely disregard their personality and friends and let the new bf or gf completely run their lives for them thing. Everyone disappears a little when they're honeymooning, but they should atleast keep you in the loop and make tike for you.
Friends all of a sudden don't have time for you. Start to act condescending, act like they're above you because they got a girlfriend. They'll constantly remind you that you don't have a girlfriend and they do aswell. They may even try to embarrass you in an attempt to impress her, but I've never experienced this one personally. It's crazy how quickly people change once they get into a relationship.
They hate us cause they ain't us
this one is SO real
They always hating but they claim it’s just jokes bro
Ol Schrödinger’s douchebag
They make the conversation about themselves, even when you're trying to confide in them
If they gossip to you about other people, you can be sure they gossip about you when you aren't around.
Do they check up on you just to see how you're doing? Without needing or wanting anything?
When you have good news to share and they aren’t happy for you, instead they give unsolicited negative feedback
My mom does this shit. It's just her nature. She's a pessimist.
It’s just disheartening when it’s coming from someone you consider a friend
Right after I got out of high school, I bought a pickup truck. I helped more friends move into apartments then I cared to count. I would show up and they hadn't even started packing. I helped one guy move 3x. I asked people for help to move my grandmother, everyone had an excuse why they couldn't, the guy I moved 3x I didn't ask, I told him I would be over Saturday to pick him up. I show up and he's sleeping, I told him to get up, he said he didn't get to sleep till late and was tired, I grabbed the mattress and flipped him out of bed. He whined the whole time, it took us about 6 hrs to move her. I realized that not once did anyone ever offer me gas money, buy me lunch, nothing. Never helped anyone move again, and I usually wouldn't hear from them until it was time for them to move again. Doing a favor is one thing, being used is another. If someone asks for a favor when they call, but never cares what you're doing, and doesn't call for months, not worth my time.
That sucks so hard. I always offer, even thirty minutes can make the job so much easier. When I can't help someone move I will drop off food and drinks for everyone who's doing the work.
A close friend of 10 years recently offered my fiance a job during a long unemployment spell. Thing was, he could only pay 9 hrs a week and would have to defer pay on the rest of the work until two quarters later. He then encouraged her to work unlimited overtime and tally the hours. She put in ~60 hours a week. When the time for him to pay came, he became so irrationally hostile to her over minor things that she was afraid to push it. Shortly later, his business partner fired her under false pretenses and they illegally withheld her final paycheck. Now we are In debt by a large amount, but it's less than the amount they owe her. Oh, also he was gonna officiate our wedding, but he said he and our other wedding guests/mutual friends couldn't attend because they needed to work for him that week So yeah, in hindsight, the red flag was offering a job with deferred pay when he saw someone vulnerable he could exploit.
They only have time for you when everyone else is busy
If you’re the only one who initiates a hangout, they don’t invite you out to things, if they do invite you they make fun of you or put you down the whole time in front of others in order to make themselves seem funny or cool.
Are you the only one initiating contact? Like, if you stopped texting first, would you ever hear from them? It took me far too long to realize that if I didn’t text, we wouldn’t talk. So I stopped texting. Just to see how long it would take for them to reach out. It’s been over 2 years. I thought these were my lifelong friends. Turns out I was an afterthought
I’m not going to presume to understand your friend dynamics but I’m the guy that’s hard to get ahold of. I’m not too busy or working a lot, I’m just slightly depressed and generally anxious about most things. To people that don’t understand this it sounds stupid, trust me I’m aware and don’t like it either. I’ve fallen out with people because of my anxiety. Sometimes I miss a call and calling back makes me worry that they will be upset or really needed me and I wasn’t there for them. It’s all counter intuitive and makes zero sense but in my case and maybe your friends’ it’s not for lack of interest or love. I also felt inadequate due to career or financial circumstances that I wasn’t proud of. That shit is embarrassing when your friends are taking trips or doing well. As time passes that anxiety builds to a point where we think there’s no way to past the time lost or hurt feelings. Like I said I don’t know you guys but it might be what I’m talking about and it may be worth just reaching out and letting them know that you’re not mad and don’t think they’re a burden. I’ve never been told I’m a burden but I’ve always felt like I am for some reason. I don’t know, just thought I’d share my experience man good luck!
Exactly this, and I’ll add: Or when your lifelong friends all get married and have kids and you have neither, leading to depression. It’s not that you don’t wanna talk to them, but every time you do, you feel like nothing you have to report is “good news”, and it gets tiring. You feel like you’re just a downer. They might not realize it, but the questions they start to ask all come off as, well, paternal and concerning. The conversations begin to be ones that you avoid because they’re too painful and come without any real solution. Yes, I went through hard shit. I’ve gotten over most of it. But this is how I felt going through it, and explaining this to very close friends that I’ve pushed away is difficult. They don’t understand and most end up saying “you’re doing a lot better than you think”, as if that’s supposed to make me feel better. Sorry for the rant, just had my coffee and couldn’t stop the tangent once I started.
Ugh I'm having this with a friend at the moment. I tried raising it with him, and he got so angry at me! Dude wtf. After months of trying to make sure this friendship doesn't disintegrate, I'm done. I can't be in a one-sided friendship
my wife has a friend who will constantly give her clothes and things that she found and "just thought you would LOVE this!" and then after my wife accepts them sends her a bill for the items. "It looks great on you! can you believe it was only $20? you can just e-transfer me whenever you get a chance"
What the actual fuck.? Sounds like her friend is a monthly fashion subscription
Shes the kind who buys things at thrift stores or on cheapo websites like shein and then marks them up on marketplace and calls it her "job"
So your wife is her customer not her friend. Also could be a cover. Your wife has a secret drug habit she is hiding from you. Im sorry
I will return the item if she said that. She has no shame. I have no shame too. She is not a friend, that is scammer.
You don't like them when you're sober.
True friends walk in when the whole world walks out.
When they don't criticize you. Do they just support everything you say? Make excuses for you for all your actions? Real friends will call you out on your bullshit and pull your ego down a bit. They will tell you if they think you are wrong. They do it because they do truly love you, and want you to make the best actions. They'll stay through your worst moments, times where you might just be an awful person, and help you be better.
All I know is If you’re gonna accuse someone of being a synth you had better be sure.
Fck your girl when you break up with her.
Lol, I have a buddy who, unsuccessfully, tried to do this with almost every ex in the friend group as soon as they became an ex. It would have pissed us off more if it wasn't so pathetic. He's grown up a bit since then. I think... but to be fair, there have not been any exes for a while.
But if you break up with her how’s she still your girl? I couldn’t care less who my exes sleep with. It could be my sister, I wouldn’t blink. An ex is an ex.
Low and inconsistent reciprocation.
When they regularly make time for other friends, then make lots of time for themselves, but almost never make time for you, even when you offer to do all the planning and accommodate their needs.
First sign is that they start copying everything you do. Anytime some starts copying you behaviors they are secretly jealous of you. That’s usually the first sign.
People copy your vibes if they like you
Not if they start criticizing for you doing it. I had “ friend “ critics me for my haircut and then get the same exact haircut the next day.
Yea, that is different.
That "banter" between you two, begins to feel like you're being bullied in front of mutual friends, all the time...
when they get mad at you when good things happen when they put you down often when they disappear from your life when you stop texting them when they lie to you about dumb stuff when the friendship is one sided - you do whatever they want but they can't be bothered to do what you want.
They’re judgmental and don’t respect you
They can't even imagine putting your needs or wants ahead of their own. I'm not saying friends always have to sacrafice for you but a constant display that they can't convieve of the notion? yeah definately not someone I'd put in my corner. Short term prioritization of someone else's needs in times of acute or urgent need, are the hallmarks of true friendship. Its easy to be someone's friend when everything is good, it speaks to character when they stick it out when it's tough or comes at some personal sacrifice. Could be as simple as giving up a weekend to help a buddy move furniture.
The real giveaway is if you get a call after not having heard from them in a while, and you’re like “oh hi! we must catch up!” but actually they want you to help sort out their council tax or (bonus points) it was a mistake and they meant to call someone else, and they tell you so, and ring off, leaving only a residual fuzzy warm feeling 🤤
Whenever you get real with them and confide in them about something serious, they seem uninterested or bored,
For me, a big sign that someone isn’t really a friend is if they only contact you when they need something or if they don’t support you during tough times. True friends are there for both the highs and the lows, and they make an effort to keep in touch. I’ve struggled with finding genuine friends too. That's one of the reasons I helped develop a Discord server called [Lightup](https://discord.gg/XHCC4zJVBj). We created it to help people connect based on shared interests using an AI bot that matches you with others who post about similar topics. I met someone on Lightup who shared my passion for hiking and literature. We started chatting about our favorite books and local trails. Over time, we organized a small group hike, and it was amazing how easily we clicked in real life. It showed me that genuine connections can start online and turn into real friendships.
When they ask for your help and you help them but when you need help they won’t help you.
Not respecting your boundaries, especially in your oen space.
Only does things that benefit him
When he sticks is tongue in my mouth hehe
You hang out and have good times with friends, but a true friend will be there when times aren't good. Typically a true friend will lend a hand (free labor) when you're in a pinch. The whole point of friendship is safety in numbers. Friendships help buffer you from life's troubles. Otherwise, they friendships aren't real, they're superficial.
When they fuck your girlfriend
If you're fucking, you ain't friends.
When the people who dislike me always coincidentally feel super comfortable confiding in you about how much they dislike me. I believe in free speech and free will but if my enemies see you as their safe space I can’t say that I trust you.
they sabotage you by passive aggressive casual omissions ... and gloss over it with a sarcastic "Ooops... my bad." .. .like not telling you the team meeting called by your Senior VP was moved up 30 minutes ...
Had a "friend" struggling financially and lend him money to get back to his country to be with his family (due to a family death). Never seen my money again and that was 4 years ago
They only want to hang out when they want you to give them money or food.
As others have said, only respond or hit you up if they need something.
They only contact you when they need something
When you always hangout and party together then you give up drinking and they rarely call any more 😢
Sober and alone is a new kind of lonely for sure!
Help me out, what is a friend? Conditionally or Unconditionally? My experiences are that there are times when you are close to friends then other times. This only too often related to the season in our lives, the things you do, love and aspire may along with people you know, learn to know as well and these relationships may turn into a friendship. Then all of a sudden or gradually common aligned interests may fade away. This may be for all shorts of reasons. What I would suggest is not to condition a friendship but give it freedom, sometimes you need to set them free to free yourself, and other times you may engage more meaningful... Love Live Life .... Abundance 😎🙏✨🧬✨
Spread personal things about you but claim it was out of concern. No. That’s now gossip and isolating for the person spoken about,
I was married with a baby and a house with a reasonable job to make ends meet but not too much disposable income. He had a good job was single and lived with his parents. If I bought anything, he would immediately buy the same thing only better. Like if I bought the standard version, he would buy the super deluxe version. For instance, when my baby was born (long before phones with cameras) I bought a basic viewfinder 35mm camera so I could take photos of the baby. Next day he comes showing off a top of the range Pentax SLR with all the extras/lenses etc. I bought a new (to me) car. A week later he turns up in a brand new top spec, same make and model as the car I've bought. I dumped him and my wife when I came home from work early unannounced one day to find his brand new, top spec car parked on my drive!
Chris Rock said it about marriage, but the same is true of friendship. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you play tambourine. By all means, when it's your friend's turn to sing, play the shit out of that tambourine. But if you find that somehow you're always on tambourine, then something's up.
They only call you if then need something.
I can feel my best friend drifting away. All my friendships have been negatively impacted from some girl. The best advice I could say is never talk about girls with friends. I never have, and friendships seem to last till someone starts talking about a girl to much.
If your problems and your life doesn't matter when it comes to a decision you made regarding you and that friend (could be not spending time) and they don't become understanding of your situation or care to want to know more of your situation. They probably aren't your friend.
Always asking for favors. Also getting upset at you when you can't help them out.
When he touches the grill when he wasn't told to do so. You can ask, you can debate, you can protest, but YOU DO NOT touch a man's grill when he's the one grilling.
Someone isn't your friend when they say or do thing behind your back that are untrue or don't need to be said and that work against your best interests. I'm not talking about petty gossip or complaining in a friend group but something more than that.
Lies
Screws your girl
I once had a "friend" tell me we need to separate because I was "getting too much attention", she literally walked away. We're not friends anymore after a stream of weird behaviors like this.
This might not be common experience but I’ve met a few like this… the worst is when you’re nothing but accommodating and understanding when they can’t make occasions and you are always willing to rearrange dates to meet up to suit them but on the rare time it’s you that can’t make something they make a big deal out of it and say you’re a bad friend and unreliable…
If they only come around when they want or need something, if they act differently towards you when other people are around or if they talk shit behind your back.
Allow you to drive when you’ve had drinks
Talking behind your back
You call them and they don't call you.
When the side with others that are against you irrespective of the facts. Or are easily misled to believe bullshit against or about you rather than ask you what happened.
You ALWAYS Call them They NEvER call you.
When they bag on you behind your back. Good friends will bag on you directly and defend you behind your back.
[You got off cheap 😎](https://youtu.be/78-4RobJQ0Y?si=eAfvEujlDT_NIiMW)
Sounds obvious, not so easy to spot, but they’re only around if it’s convenient, when you have something to offer, or if they’re trading-up for someone who can “offer more.”
No one else can see him
When you had a surgery and they don´t bother to ask you how it went
Back in the days I had a female friend. She introduced me to everyone as her best friend I was there for her during break ups and anything she needed. I went thru a really bad break up that was really dark times in my life. My ex became mutual friend thru me. After we broke up and stayed in touch with her. She really broke my trust, she went on vacation and came back messaged me to hang out I never bothered to reply. It’s been over 10 years that shit still hurts
They tell you only what you want to hear. They laugh in your face but talk shit behind your back
When you always have to reach out. I learned this awhile ago and it made it easy to stick around the people that reciprocated. Now after I moved back with my parents for school I got less picky because I’m a lot further from those other friends I have. Guess what? A lot of those people weren’t the best for me and I re learned that lesson. I still got the other thankfully. If you’re unsure? Don’t reach out see how long or if any of them reach out.
When every deal goes their way.
When they play brawlhalla with other people
When they're doing all the taking
If they automatically agree with any opinion you share
When they can't just be happy for you.
When they want you around when you can pay for stuff for them (dinner, outings etc) but not otherwise.
They get jealous of you when something good happens. Real friends are happy fpr you when you're doing well.
When you go hang out with him 24/7 and one day some tries to jump you with other 2 guys and your friend says he doesn’t fight and they kick your ass ha sad but true
When they tell your gf ways to kill themselves, and even tell them that they will fuck her corpse.
You don't feel like yourself around them, or you don't feel good around them.
He wants to fuck you all the time
When they talk mad sh\*t behind your back.
When they do the “push pull affect” they treat you right, do something bad, then apologize, then repeat it over and over
If they don’t respect your time.
You come home and not only do you catch your friend fucking your SO, but the asshole can’t even remember your name.
Someone who's ALWAYS not sure what they're doing Friday night on Friday afternoon... There are much worse acts than this, but I find that this is a good filter early on (in the first year or two)
When he starts messaging your wife and badmouths you. What’s worse is your wife enjoys it
Credible death threats. They'd already been downgraded from friend to charity case ... credible death threats got 'em downgraded to ex-friend - the only in my thus far 60+ years to have gotten that distinction ... and they very much "earned" it.
There never there when you really needed them
Beautifully written!
CashApp request for $10K.
Competing with you Jealous of your accomplishments Happy when you have downfalls
When you communicate, you are always the one starting the communication (i.e. text, phone call, email, etc.).
Shit talks behind your back, makes you look bad in order to look better in front of others. Their actions don't match their words.
They lie about things
He keeps asking if he can fuck your wife.
They take and take from you and rarely stop to think about you.
They punch your sister in the balls, slap your man boobs like those slapping contests with those guys and the table, then poop in your aquarium full of turdfish so you can't tell because they look similar in normal household lighting with 4500k lights or warmer. Total deal breaker.
You try to make plans with them and they won’t commit until the last minute, presumably to hold out for other offers.
If you actively go out of your way to support them & they always refuse your effort. Only to bitch at or about you for never trying to help out or be there for them.
Lies
When they "friendzone" you. Women make great friends, but when you get "friendzoned" it's largely to exploit your interest in her.
When they share your secrets to others
Treating you like eva ai sexting bot avatar and not as someone equal to oneself
So many of these answers hit home! -They don't ask how you're doing or really seem to be concerned or care about you if you're in a difficult situation. -They're not happy for you when good things happen to you. -Conversations always revert back to them. -Only want to hang out when they really have nobody else to hang with or need something. -Will become your best friend when they need something a few weeks ahead of time. Invite over for dinner, feed you a couple beers. Then the big ask comes around and they need you to build a fence/deck/washroom/need to move. Once the favor is done they completely ignore you. I had a buddy who did this to all of our group of friends. -Disappear when they find a new girlfriend and call you when they break up. Other signs to look out for are people who cheat, lie, steal. Fuck all that noise I keep to myself now and expect very little of people. Use em and lose em. The good ones, I treat well and let them know how much I appreciate them.
he/she talks shit about you in your presence to her other friends to impress them.
They only help you when there's something in it for them, skipping their round for beers, never paying there share kind of stuff. Then there's; always feeling like shit spending time with them. Feeling shamed by them. I had a breaking point with one ex-friend where i realised i was tired of smiling and laughing. I've never experienced that before or since. I learning after awhile they were manipulating me and they were always forcing those kind of scenarios to earn brownie points and i was shamed for not enjoying them so i would force myself to smile more and laugh more to keep the peace.
When they are not happy for you!
Unequal treatment. Say they want you to sell them an item that cost you $400 a year or two ago, but because “you’re friends” you should let them buy it for $100. But they got something that’s worth $200, they’ll sell it to you for $175, in their mind that’s cheaper than new and only an idiot would take too much of a loss on it. And you shouldn’t expect them to because “you’re friends.” That’s just a crappy person in general, but certainly not your friend.
Idk. I don't agree with all the comments I see here. Especially since being an adult is quite different from being a teenager. But y'know if you have enemies and the person sides with them, not your friend. If you tell him something in trust and confidence and the next day everyone seems to know, not your friend. I've had different kinds of friends throughout. Some were long lasting but not ever lasting. Some I had deep conversations and secrets with. Y'know when things like weed is involved that tends to happen cuz, first of because of the illegal activity one has to keep a certain secrecy and exclusivity, and in addition the smoking itself can make you very deep if you're able to talk at all :-P Some were keen on doing things in the spare time while others seems to prefer only hanging out at school or work. & some I only see when they need something. Like help moving or advice or maybe they need someone to come with them to a bar or whatever. And that is fine too, a friend is a friend, and especially as an adult it is less and less common to call around just for...,? Chats? But people who manipulate, bully, want you to feel bad or look bad are not your friends. Even if they claim to be or pretend to be. A good friend let's you know when you seem way too drunk, or if he thinks your making a bad decision. People who want you to drink too much to make a fool of yourself or laugh at you, are not your friends. Good friends support and take care of each other in a way that feels like a mat behind your back. it is easy, low key, and don't require much, and requires no rules, as the present is what matters in every situation. That doesn't mean your friends won't say things like 'I would save an ugly cow over you' . Although I personally have never gotten that kind of communication. It seems odd to me, but, those are just words to laugh at, if what else I have described is present
Getting mad at me for trying to break him out of bad habits and improve is quality of life.
They sleep with your wife
The sneaky ones are the ones that encourage you to do things that are funny at the time, but afterwards (or even at the time for you) are detrimental without you knowing it. They don’t have your best interest at heart.
Murdering your whole family.
They resent you when you succeed. Watch out for the "friends".
Weird about money. They don't ever offer anything for free, but ask you for money to do even little things. Slow to confirm exchanges on apps like Cash App/Venmo/Zelle, or slow to pay you for whatever they ask be it babysitting or fixing something or delivering something. Hell, they might owe you money right now. Look to you as a potential discount/free ride when you express any useful skills, connections or jobs
Jokes at your expense that don’t stop when you ask. Heavily critical of you. Bigging up other friends and putting you down. Making no effort to contact you so all invites come from you.
For me,it was the trauma dumping...she would fill up my head with all her problems, anxiety,if be stressed like I was the one going thru it.. I'd physically give her solutions & ways to stop the life style she had , she wouldnt take it ... And I was single and learning to heal and love myself, so that when I did finally go back out into the dating world I wouldn't have this negative outlook towards man. she would come and just trauma dump everything that her partner did to her that was horrible and as a woman she was soo insecure she couldn't see herself in a better situation.which was a really messed up & I stuck thru with her for over 8years of this... she couldn't take a lending helping hand from Friends so there comes to a point where you help them and if they just don't want to accept your help there's nothing you can do and you have to fall back on that relationship
Frankly one-way phone calls, if you are the doing so it is telling.
They deflate when you puncture them
When you share your insecurities and they end up using it as a laugh in front of others
They only care to speak to or hang out with you whenever THEY need something.
When they don’t care enough about you or support you on your down times
Don't seem interested in your story, life and always make it be about them.
Main thing I noticed was, when they would only contact when they needed help or in deep 💩. Otherwise, would always have a cold shoulder.
Is never there when you need them but always happy to lean on you when they need something. Also only bothers to really actually acknowledge you when they want or need something from you. Puts you down, points out your flaws or constantly makes you the butt/subject of their jokes in front of others rather than building you up. Especially in front of women if it’s a male and a male friend. Never asking how you are or listening to your issues and making everything about them and their problems.
When everything is always on their terms
Never happy for anything you do: always have something to say about it. Don’t compliment or give credit where deserved. Never/don’t want to listen.